Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we, of
Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. What we're
Speaker 1: talking about today is very near and dear in my heart.
Speaker 2: You know. I wouldn't say it's my favorite thing to
Speaker 2: talk about, because it's not a very pleasant topic, but
Speaker 2: it's something that really, I think strums on my heartstrings,
Speaker 2: really follows me around for long stretches of time, and
Speaker 2: it's something that I have begun to feel very at
Speaker 2: peace with. And that thing is loneliness. Loneliness is something
Speaker 2: that all of us in our twenties are going to experience.
Speaker 2: If you're not experiencing it now, it is coming for you.
Speaker 2: It's going to be around the corner. But what does
Speaker 2: it actually mean to feel lonely during a time of
Speaker 2: your life? That everybody will quickly tell you are the
Speaker 2: best years of your life. Everyone's going to say your
Speaker 2: twenties are way you should be most social, you'd have
Speaker 2: the most fun, you should be meeting your forever friends.
Speaker 2: But what if that is not your experience? Where do
Speaker 2: we find ourselves? How do we cope? This is actually
Speaker 2: an experience I've seen on the rise, friends, listeners, strangers
Speaker 2: asking me, why do I feel so lonely? Why do
Speaker 2: I feel so lonely despite having people around me, despite
Speaker 2: being young and carefree, despite feeling like I'm doing everything
Speaker 2: that I can to build community. And I have an
Speaker 2: answer for you. It's so what I like to call
Speaker 2: the loneliest chapter of your twenties. This is a specific
Speaker 2: period that we all go through, the loneliest chapter where
Speaker 2: regardless of how many relationships and friends we have, how
Speaker 2: many hours we spend socializing, how often we are surrounded
Speaker 2: with others, we still feel inexplicably lonely and emotionally isolated.
Speaker 2: Not necessarily physically isolated, but like we are kind of
Speaker 2: an island within it all. And this lonely chapter it's
Speaker 2: going to hit us all at some stage. I actually
Speaker 2: think it's a rite of passage. I think it's a
Speaker 2: really important transition and milestone, and you know, it feels
Speaker 2: really hard to explain, especially when you're in it, but
Speaker 2: afterwards you kind of end up realizing that this was
Speaker 2: something that you had to go through. Perhaps you know
Speaker 2: you have to go through it because you were outgrowing
Speaker 2: people and we needed to speed up that process. Maybe
Speaker 2: because you're going through a major life change and you
Speaker 2: need more time to reflect on your own experiences and
Speaker 2: your own emotions. Maybe you've just seen your broader social
Speaker 2: circle shrink and you need to kind of realize that
Speaker 2: it's time to maybe move on from those friends, make
Speaker 2: new friends, move into this new chapter. I don't know
Speaker 2: what it is. I can't speak to what you're going
Speaker 2: through personally, but I do think that it's unavoidable, and
Speaker 2: I think that it's actually quite necessary for us to
Speaker 2: experience this kind of sacred solitude early on in our lives,
Speaker 2: in our twenties, all this shedding of relationships so that
Speaker 2: we can truly know what fills our cup, We can
Speaker 2: truly fall in love with our own company. We can
Speaker 2: know that solitude is not scary, it's sacred, and we
Speaker 2: can grow through it. And actually, by going through this
Speaker 2: lonely period, we end up coming out more social and
Speaker 2: connected than ever. And I'm going to explain why that is. So,
Speaker 2: this is what we're talking about today. What is the
Speaker 2: loneliest chapter of our twenties? Why? Why might you be
Speaker 2: finding yourself there right now? Why is it completely normal?
Speaker 2: But more importantly, why is it really valuable not to
Speaker 2: run from this loneliness and fill up your time with
Speaker 2: empty relationships and with destructions and with random people, and
Speaker 2: instead invest in the relationship you have with yourself. That
Speaker 2: is the longest relationship you are ever going to have.
Speaker 2: There is no relationship that will outlive the relationship you
Speaker 2: have with yourself. So let's talk about when loneliness factors
Speaker 2: in to this equation. Let's find out together without further ado,
Speaker 2: I want to explain exactly what is going on if
Speaker 2: you find yourself in this period in this chapter right now,
Speaker 2: let's get into it. A few years back, it came
Speaker 2: across this spirituality phrase called the dark Knight of the soul,
Speaker 2: and it just stuck with me. The concept of like
Speaker 2: the dark Knight of the soul. It originated in Spain,
Speaker 2: I think back in like this sixteenth century, if I've
Speaker 2: got my history right, and it's basically used to describe
Speaker 2: a really painful period in your life, a crisis that
Speaker 2: completely transforms you. It creates a complete shift and how
Speaker 2: you see the world, how you see yourself, your values,
Speaker 2: the meaning that you apply to experiences, and it actually
Speaker 2: doesn't need to be triggered by anything. It's more of
Speaker 2: an unconscious or not even unconscious, more of an ego death,
Speaker 2: a rethinking of who you are. Now. Some philosophers would
Speaker 2: tell you that they actually believe it's necessary to grow
Speaker 2: through this dark night in order to really understand yourself
Speaker 2: and your life. And if you don't go through that,
Speaker 2: you never actually gain self actualization, clarity, and true fulfillment. Now,
Speaker 2: I think that the Loneliest chapter of our twenties does
Speaker 2: the same thing, but instead of being for our perspective
Speaker 2: and our identity, it's for our relationships. And you do
Speaker 2: need to go through this in order to deepen how
Speaker 2: you inevitably can with people and what you see is important.
Speaker 2: So what does this chapter look like, what does it
Speaker 2: kind of What are the symptoms or the signs that
Speaker 2: you're going through this? Well, I think loneliness above or else,
Speaker 2: but not just loneliness because of a lack of physical
Speaker 2: relationships like your lack of people around you. You know,
Speaker 2: it's very natural to feel lonely if you are struggling
Speaker 2: with any friendship, you know, if you actually just don't
Speaker 2: have friends. But I also think it's a sense of
Speaker 2: boredom in your pre existing friendships, almost like an apathy
Speaker 2: towards wanting to hang out with them. Is a great
Speaker 2: desire to withdraw away or to not feel like you're
Speaker 2: fulfilled by your current relationships. There also may be like
Speaker 2: a heightened level of self criticism, feeling like you don't
Speaker 2: deserve the level and the depth of the relationships that
Speaker 2: you crave. A sense of restlessness like oh my god,
Speaker 2: I need to be making new friends. I feel so lost,
Speaker 2: I feel so aimless, and also some existential reflection. Being
Speaker 2: around people is is definitely one of the best distractions
Speaker 2: from looking straight at our thoughts, and so when being
Speaker 2: around other people is not available as a distraction, when
Speaker 2: it's not doing its job anymore, all those thoughts and
Speaker 2: feelings that we have unintentionally suppressed become very loud. It's
Speaker 2: really common, you know, for people to experience this when
Speaker 2: they move to a new city, a new country, when
Speaker 2: they go through a breakup, when they have their first child.
Speaker 2: You're going through a transition that disconnects you, and that's
Speaker 2: when you really enter the lonely chapter. The other big
Speaker 2: indicator for me is it feels like you're writing what
Speaker 2: I like to call the friendship roller coaster. Now we
Speaker 2: have spoken about this on the podcast before, but this
Speaker 2: is a term that I originated, and it basically describes how,
Speaker 2: at one moment you might feel incredibly fulfilled and happy
Speaker 2: and delighted by your friendships. The next moment, you're at
Speaker 2: the bottom of the roller coaster. You're constantly feeling miserable
Speaker 2: about your friendships, you feel at a low point, and
Speaker 2: then you're back at the topic in and it's exhilarating
Speaker 2: and it's anxiety inducing and it's stressful. Nothing is changing, right,
Speaker 2: You're still in the same vehicle, you're still strapped into
Speaker 2: the same spot. The people in the roller coaster with
Speaker 2: you have not changed, but it's the path that you're taking.
Speaker 2: And it really does feel like at one moment you
Speaker 2: have so many friends and then literally the next day
Speaker 2: nothing's changed and it feels like you have none. And
Speaker 2: that is I think really indicative of this lonely chapter.
Speaker 2: It's indicative that something needs to change. Sometimes I think
Speaker 2: it also comes on slowly, right. You might wake up
Speaker 2: one day and realize that your level of socialization, how
Speaker 2: often you see people, the amount of quality time you
Speaker 2: have with people has declined. Could have been a rapid descent,
Speaker 2: especially if there was a really major life change for you,
Speaker 2: or it could be gradual. And I like to give
Speaker 2: the analogy of the frog in boiling water. So if
Speaker 2: you don't know this analogy, it's kind of a sad one.
Speaker 2: But essentially, if you put a frog in a big
Speaker 2: what's it called pot, a big pot, a big pot
Speaker 2: of water, and you put it over the stove and
Speaker 2: you start to slowly boil the water, the frog actually
Speaker 2: will not jump out, and it will end up being
Speaker 2: burned alive, whereas if you dump a frog into a
Speaker 2: pot of boiling water, will immediately jump out. This can
Speaker 2: go with friendships. You might slowly see that you know,
Speaker 2: one friend dropped off, one friend moved. You know, one
Speaker 2: friend you don't talk to as much. One friend got
Speaker 2: a boyfriend, so you don't talk to her as much.
Speaker 2: Another friend, you know, you stopped working with them, so
Speaker 2: it's not a daily interaction, and it's kind of happening
Speaker 2: one by one, the water is slowly boiling, and then
Speaker 2: one day you just kind of realize, like, oh, this
Speaker 2: is who I was two years ago, this is who
Speaker 2: I am now, And there is a huge difference, in
Speaker 2: a huge distance, in who I see who I am,
Speaker 2: how fulfilled I feel. I was talking to my friend
Speaker 2: Sarah this the other day and how when she first
Speaker 2: moved to Sydney, her social calendar was just, oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: so intense. And she is still a relatively social person,
Speaker 2: but she was talking about how she would pack a
Speaker 2: bag for Friday and she would go and stay with
Speaker 2: friends on Friday, and she would have like her day
Speaker 2: was split into I think like five sections, four or
Speaker 2: five sections. So she had a pre morning which was
Speaker 2: like five till nine, then she had a normal morning
Speaker 2: which was like ten to twelve, and she had like
Speaker 2: afternoon which was like one to three. Then she had
Speaker 2: like dinner time, and then she had like the evening slot,
Speaker 2: and she would see a new group of people, or
Speaker 2: she would see people in every single block of time.
Speaker 2: Every single one of those blocks would be full for
Speaker 2: the whole weekend. And she was like, I just I
Speaker 2: just don't do that anymore. And she was like, I
Speaker 2: don't realize. I didn't realize when it happened, but I
Speaker 2: kind of like woke up and like that just wasn't
Speaker 2: my life. And I had that same experience where I
Speaker 2: felt like I had this awakening where I was like, Wow,
Speaker 2: I just don't socialize the way I used to. Something
Speaker 2: needs to change because I'm feeling quite lonely. This is
Speaker 2: going to sound ridiculous, but the thing that triggered it
Speaker 2: for me was brack Girl Summer. I yes, the Charlie
Speaker 2: XCX album and all the stuff that came along with that.
Speaker 2: I don't know what it was, but it reminded me
Speaker 2: of like who I perhaps was maybe four or five
Speaker 2: years ago, and how I wasn't her anymore. And it
Speaker 2: really made me take a real good look at my
Speaker 2: friendships and be like, huh, I've kind of been coasting
Speaker 2: on relate on the backs of relationships that I've had
Speaker 2: for years without making new friends. I since have, but
Speaker 2: for a long time, you know, I was just slowly
Speaker 2: adjusting to a way of life that actually felt inherently lonely,
Speaker 2: and I felt like I was very displaced in the
Speaker 2: in the reality that I've created. So why does this
Speaker 2: actually happen? What would developmental psychologists tell us about this,
Speaker 2: tell us about this transition or this huge drop. Well,
Speaker 2: what creates this experience is actually two parallel experiences. The
Speaker 2: first is the loss of old friends and the difficulty
Speaker 2: in maintaining those relationships at the same level within the
Speaker 2: changing circumstances of our twenties. And the second is difficulty
Speaker 2: in making new friends, not necessarily replacing those old friends,
Speaker 2: but just creating that same sense of belonging with new
Speaker 2: people in a similar way to the people that we
Speaker 2: previously had in our lives. Where can we find those
Speaker 2: environments and those spaces where we actually feel like we belong?
Speaker 2: So I'm going to begin by focusing on that first experience,
Speaker 2: the loss of old friends, even if they're not necessarily
Speaker 2: out of your life, we do tend to notice the
Speaker 2: further we get into this decade a distance, and I
Speaker 2: think that can be explained by three things typically occur
Speaker 2: during this period of life. First, we have splintering paths.
Speaker 2: You know, if you grew up with a group of
Speaker 2: people at the same time, you're the same age, you're
Speaker 2: going through the same experiences at the same time, so
Speaker 2: you know you are in primary school, you're in high school,
Speaker 2: you're going off to college after university, you're working those
Speaker 2: part time jobs together. You have all this time together.
Speaker 2: The experiences are very parallel. You could spend the ages
Speaker 2: of like two to like twenty two in the exact
Speaker 2: same environment, doing the exact same thing as someone else,
Speaker 2: then seeing splinter, and you no longer have those parallel
Speaker 2: experiences in the parallel environments. You no longer have the
Speaker 2: convenience of seeing others at school, or seeing others at
Speaker 2: a part time job, or seeing others you know studying
Speaker 2: with each other at university. There is no longer the
Speaker 2: ease and the convenience of maintaining a long term friendship
Speaker 2: with someone who you've been really close to for a
Speaker 2: whole lot of time. This can also be precipitated by
Speaker 2: being life change. You know, people do move, people have children,
Speaker 2: People experience a whole crazy different amalgamation of life experiences.
Speaker 2: They're not all going to be the same. So sometimes
Speaker 2: if someone's priorities and complete path in life is suddenly directed,
Speaker 2: we can't always keep up and the relationship falls by
Speaker 2: the wayside. Finally, and this is a huge one, especially
Speaker 2: in our I would say mid to late twenties, is
Speaker 2: that we get life partners, or we get partners, A
Speaker 2: lot of us start to take dating a lot more seriously.
Speaker 2: It's a big transition, I would say, or a big
Speaker 2: distinction between people who are in emerging adulthood versus full
Speaker 2: blown adulthood. It's the prioritization of partnership. So I say
Speaker 2: this a lot actually, and I this is a very
Speaker 2: deep belief of mine. I think that your friends are
Speaker 2: the most important relationship between like eighteen and twenty six,
Speaker 2: But then after twenty six, about fifty percent of us start,
Speaker 2: or a large majority of us really start, you know,
Speaker 2: putting our partner as the most important relationship until you
Speaker 2: know we have kids. So that is how I see
Speaker 2: like our relationship priorities changing over the course of our life.
Speaker 2: If you're in your twenties, you might be smack bang
Speaker 2: in the middle of that transition, the transition towards partnership.
Speaker 2: And if you don't have a partner but your friends do,
Speaker 2: it can feel like you're left out. It's interesting because,
Speaker 2: according to research done by the University of Kansas, we
Speaker 2: lose an average of two friends per year in our
Speaker 2: mid to late twenties. And that carries on into our thirties.
Speaker 2: I think it's a combination of all these factors, of
Speaker 2: all these different lifestyle shifts and changes and environments and
Speaker 2: situations and contexts and blah blah blah that all combine
Speaker 2: to make friendship during this decade a lot harder. Now
Speaker 2: when it comes to making new friends. We've already spoken
Speaker 2: about this, but you know, you're no longer in environments
Speaker 2: that make friendship convenient and that are effortlessly social. The
Speaker 2: number one way that people make new friends in adulthoods
Speaker 2: is through work. Even that that's not effortly social, it's
Speaker 2: just that you're close by to someone and you're in
Speaker 2: the trenches together, so it's easy to form a relationship
Speaker 2: those environments. You've got to remember when we were kids,
Speaker 2: and when we were teenagers, and when we were in
Speaker 2: our early twenties. There are a lot more of those
Speaker 2: environments available to us. Here's another really interesting insight. The
Speaker 2: most valuable factor for predicting whether a friendship will take
Speaker 2: place between two people. According to researchers, this is the
Speaker 2: number one factor that they cite. It's familiarity. Familiarity followed
Speaker 2: by similarity and proximity. But essentially what they will say
Speaker 2: to you is that if you want new connections and
Speaker 2: you want new friendships, the more familiar you are with someone,
Speaker 2: the more bond did you feel. And what does familiarity
Speaker 2: require above or else. It's time. It's time, something that
Speaker 2: we have less and less of the older we get
Speaker 2: and the more our day is split into quadrants and
Speaker 2: pieces and quld reports and you know everything. Just everyone
Speaker 2: wants a piece. We have less time devoted to friendships,
Speaker 2: but time is the crucial element. Jeffrey Hall, he's an
Speaker 2: expert in the psychology of friendship, and he studied four
Speaker 2: hundred and fifty individuals over the course of I think
Speaker 2: six months to a year, and he found that it
Speaker 2: took about forty five hours of being in the presence
Speaker 2: of another person's company for you to consider that they
Speaker 2: are no longer an acquaintance but a friend. To move
Speaker 2: from casual friend to a meaningful friendship took fifty hours
Speaker 2: over a three month period, and to move into the
Speaker 2: inner close friendship circle it took another one hundred hours.
Speaker 2: When we were younger, we had that time to invest
Speaker 2: in friendship, shared experiences, core memories. But now that time
Speaker 2: is filled with work, chores, just being tired. I was
Speaker 2: also speaking to a friend about this the other day
Speaker 2: about how if you move cities or you move countries,
Speaker 2: people often have their established social circles. It's very hard
Speaker 2: to kind of find your way in. So if you
Speaker 2: are the expat, the new person in town, you're also
Speaker 2: going to I think, particularly struggle. It's interesting because I'm
Speaker 2: seeing a lot of friends of mine and a lot
Speaker 2: of people that I knew from union in high school, like,
Speaker 2: all moving to London or moving to Europe or New
Speaker 2: Zealand or the US, and they all end up finding
Speaker 2: each other again because they already have that pre established
Speaker 2: sense of familiarity. So all of this goes to say,
Speaker 2: if you're experiencing this period of writing the friendship roller coaster,
Speaker 2: if you are entering or in the midst of the
Speaker 2: loneliest chapter of your twenties, you are not alone as
Speaker 2: a whole developmental transitionary shift occurring in your life. That
Speaker 2: is meaning that your day and your weeks and your
Speaker 2: months feel a lot more devoid of a sense of
Speaker 2: connection and a sense of being seen. We're all going
Speaker 2: to go through it at least once, maybe even more
Speaker 2: and I want to talk about where to next, because
Speaker 2: what's really important to state is that this is actually
Speaker 2: a chapter. It is not permanent, it is not the
Speaker 2: rest of the story, and each of us will get
Speaker 2: through it. We are meant to get through it. There
Speaker 2: is something brighter on the other side. There is a
Speaker 2: reprioritization of certain relationships, There is a reaching out. There
Speaker 2: is basically a conclusion to this chapter that I want
Speaker 2: you to find, and something better that comes after it.
Speaker 2: So we are going to talk about all of that
Speaker 2: and more after this shortbreak. It is my belo that
Speaker 2: I've said many many times, but I really wanted to
Speaker 2: come across that loneliness is actually not a curse. It's
Speaker 2: not a disease. It's more than that. It's an emotional cueue,
Speaker 2: it is a physical cue. It is an instinctual, evolutionary queue.
Speaker 2: The same way that we experience hunger and thirst as
Speaker 2: indicators that we are in need of something, we also
Speaker 2: experience loneliness. So take it as a sign from your
Speaker 2: body and a sign from your mind that it's simply
Speaker 2: just a need that is not fulfilled and that you
Speaker 2: do need to reach out when you can also learn
Speaker 2: to be lonely and to you turn that into a skill.
Speaker 2: You importantly are no longer reliant on relationships that don't
Speaker 2: fulfill you because solitude is no longer a punishment. The
Speaker 2: psychologist Carl Jung actually believed that solitude could almost be medicinal,
Speaker 2: could almost be healing, because it led to de personal
Speaker 2: growth and self actualization, especially in a world that is
Speaker 2: full full of so many interactions, full of so much noise,
Speaker 2: so much stimulus, so much information coming in. When do
Speaker 2: you get a time to yourself? When was the last
Speaker 2: time you had a time to yourself where there wasn't
Speaker 2: something in front of your face or in your ears,
Speaker 2: or you know, something that you were interacting with. Solitude
Speaker 2: provides us with that space. Being alone gives you a
Speaker 2: chance to reflect on who you are, on your goals.
Speaker 2: It can bring greater self awareness personal development. You also
Speaker 2: gain something else really valuable, which is the ability to
Speaker 2: tolerate discomfort instead of going back to shit people. I
Speaker 2: see a lot of people who have, if I'm being honest,
Speaker 2: not great friends, really terrible friends who they actually don't
Speaker 2: like and who are quite awful to them, But they
Speaker 2: continue to feel this really intense obligation and loyalty to
Speaker 2: them because they are the only thing that is between
Speaker 2: them and loneliness. And when you are scared of loneliness,
Speaker 2: you will accept, you know, the hell that you know,
Speaker 2: over that uncertainty and over that discomfort. People try a
Speaker 2: lot of ways to get comfortable with discomfort. They try
Speaker 2: I spars, they try extreme sports, extreme meditation. But who
Speaker 2: would have thought that just sitting with a lonely feeling
Speaker 2: is another way to reap the same rewards and to actually,
Speaker 2: and I'm going to say this, make you less attached
Speaker 2: to the people who don't deserve your attachment. I'm not
Speaker 2: saying that it means that you need to withdraw or
Speaker 2: that you need to deliberately isolate yourself. I mean that
Speaker 2: when you have a sense of allegiance with your loneliness,
Speaker 2: when you feel like it is your friend rather than
Speaker 2: your enemy, you are not scared to choose the solitary,
Speaker 2: lonely path if it looks better than the one in
Speaker 2: which you have you know, crap people around you, in
Speaker 2: which you are being mistreated, in which you are being
Speaker 2: poorly treated, I guess as well. So that was a
Speaker 2: really important lesson for me to learn, especially I used
Speaker 2: to have a real intense fear of loneliness. I used
Speaker 2: to be really scared of what it would mean to
Speaker 2: be ostracized, be isolated. It made me feel unlovable to
Speaker 2: not be around people all the time. It made me
Speaker 2: feel like I was forgettable, and that led me to
Speaker 2: really stay in situations that I didn't deserve to be in.
Speaker 2: But after a breakup, actually quite a few years ago,
Speaker 2: around six years ago, I went and spent some time
Speaker 2: with my grandma. Now, my grandma has the most amazing
Speaker 2: beautiful house in the Gold Coast in Queensland and Australia.
Speaker 2: It is like a jungle oasis next to the beach
Speaker 2: up in the hills. We have our own gardens, we
Speaker 2: have there's chickens, there's baby quails, there's kangaroos, there's bridges
Speaker 2: and streams. It's glorious. And I spent a lot long
Speaker 2: amount of time in that house just with her, really
Speaker 2: healing after a breakup where I felt like I couldn't
Speaker 2: trust myself to continue to be around people who I
Speaker 2: knew were bad for me because I was constantly going
Speaker 2: to choose them over myself. And in that time, it
Speaker 2: was hard, It was really really difficult but I rewired
Speaker 2: and I reprogrammed part of my personality, and I would
Speaker 2: say my social blueprint that craved any form of a
Speaker 2: validation from being around people, any form of it, even
Speaker 2: when it came at my own expense. There is a
Speaker 2: very little promised in life. But I think, yes, loneliness
Speaker 2: is one of those things. But the other thing is change.
Speaker 2: It can't stay like this forever. And so whilst you
Speaker 2: are on this lonely chapter, I really want you to
Speaker 2: get the most out of it that you can. As
Speaker 2: Carl Jung said, you know, it might actually be one
Speaker 2: of the biggest gifts to have a moment alone, to
Speaker 2: have a moment where you're not scared to be alone.
Speaker 2: So this is how I want you to Actually, I'm
Speaker 2: not going to say enjoy the moment, but receive the
Speaker 2: gift from the lonely moment. Firstly, acknowledge your feelings. Please
Speaker 2: don't bury them. You will feel terrible at times. It
Speaker 2: isn't comfortable because humans aren't meant to be alone forever.
Speaker 2: But the people who miss out on the lesson from
Speaker 2: this period, those who avoid ever feeling that feeling at all,
Speaker 2: they do seek comfort in destruction, and that is a
Speaker 2: form of avoidance, which means that we actually continue to
Speaker 2: sustain the unhealthy and fearful relationship we have with loneliness,
Speaker 2: which is a perfectly helpful human emotion. Psychologists and more importantly,
Speaker 2: researchers who study our unique emotional approaches to loneliness. They've
Speaker 2: actually found that people who view this emotion as an
Speaker 2: opportunity for self discovery rather than something to escape from,
Speaker 2: they find a lot of meaning. It feels less like
Speaker 2: isolation and more like personal space. But they also become
Speaker 2: more clear and more focused on their goals. Here's another
Speaker 2: amazing benefit for you if you're going through this right now.
Speaker 2: According to a twenty twenty study that looked at our
Speaker 2: perceptions of loneliness and the interactions or the correlation with
Speaker 2: emotional intelligence amongst young adults, having a mature grasp on
Speaker 2: loneliness makes you more emotionally intelligent. It means that your
Speaker 2: ability to name, identify, appropriately respond to your own emotions
Speaker 2: and then also identify those emotions in other people and
Speaker 2: have a successful response make people feel like you relate
Speaker 2: to them and that you care about them. Your ability
Speaker 2: to do that improves, like no tomorrow. That is what
Speaker 2: we're gaining despite what we feel like we're missing, we're
Speaker 2: actually gaining a more keen social and emotional ability. The
Speaker 2: second way that I think you can really help yourself
Speaker 2: through this period is to firstly take a social media detox.
Speaker 2: You know, I'm not trying to say say that this
Speaker 2: loneliness is like the best thing ever and that you
Speaker 2: need to be happy about it all the time. It
Speaker 2: actually does still feel quite painful, So don't make that
Speaker 2: experience more painful than it has to be. Take a break,
Speaker 2: take a step back, disconnect from social media. Everythink your
Speaker 2: relationship with it and whether it is contributing to your
Speaker 2: fear of missing out and meaning that you are only
Speaker 2: focusing on your experiences in comparison to what others look like.
Speaker 2: I think that you'll find that the answer is yes,
Speaker 2: and when you have less opportunities to engage in that comparison,
Speaker 2: the joy comes back. Romanticize the experiences that you have
Speaker 2: on your own as well. I have a friend who
Speaker 2: does date nights with themselves. Once a month. They go
Speaker 2: to an Italian restaurant, They order a glass of wine,
Speaker 2: and they bring their journal and they answer a series
Speaker 2: of five questions. You know what am I proud of
Speaker 2: myself for what do I want in the next month,
Speaker 2: What is something that I'm going through? How am I feeling?
Speaker 2: Like a genuine check And they really look forward to
Speaker 2: this date with themselves once a month. I have another
Speaker 2: friend who does regular solo trips, another friend who goes
Speaker 2: on daily walks in different neighborhoods, and that's like her
Speaker 2: alone time just for her, and she's like, it's like
Speaker 2: the best time of my day, which I love. Another
Speaker 2: friend of mine has a tadar list, and I actually
Speaker 2: have one of these as well. It is like a
Speaker 2: folder in my phone, like an album of things that
Speaker 2: I've experienced when I was on my own that only
Speaker 2: I got to enjoy in that moment. Something that I
Speaker 2: put in there the other day was like I saw
Speaker 2: these like, oh my god, this huge mass of bees
Speaker 2: like pollinating these poppies. And sometimes when you see beautiful
Speaker 2: things like that, your first inclination is to be like,
Speaker 2: oh my god, who can I show? Who can I tell?
Speaker 2: And I was like, wait, I am having this experience
Speaker 2: on my own, and that is actually really beautiful, So
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna obviously I've just shared it with you,
Speaker 2: so I get the irony and hypocrisy what I'm about
Speaker 2: to say, but sometimes really appreciating that your own company
Speaker 2: and your own experience of something is worthwhile in itself
Speaker 2: means that you're no longer afraid to experience those things
Speaker 2: by yourself. You've got to see the romance in it.
Speaker 2: Sometimes that is the best mindset shift is to instead
Speaker 2: of seeing like a danger or a torture, is to
Speaker 2: be like, how can I make this beautiful and lovely
Speaker 2: and special? I start a new hobby as well. Now
Speaker 2: this one is like should have been number one at
Speaker 2: my list. I started a ceramics class like almost four
Speaker 2: months ago now that I've continued to do. But the
Speaker 2: reason I did it was because I was like, every
Speaker 2: you know, thing that I do for fun is with
Speaker 2: other people, and I'm feeling actually quite detached from myself,
Speaker 2: and so I know that when those other people aren't around,
Speaker 2: I'm going to feel very lonely. So I want to
Speaker 2: do something that is just for me, and I sign
Speaker 2: up for this class. I think it was like three
Speaker 2: hundred dollars, which a lot of money up front, but
Speaker 2: then it pays itself forward and it has been one
Speaker 2: of the best things for my mental health and for
Speaker 2: my feelings of isolation during this time in my life.
Speaker 2: I've also made a lot of friends through it. It
Speaker 2: started off as a solo practice and has actually become
Speaker 2: something upon which I've built community. You know, I have
Speaker 2: a friend from Ireland who was doing the course with me.
Speaker 2: I've got like, you know, the woman who sits across
Speaker 2: from me. I'm not going to say their names because
Speaker 2: they might not want me talking about them on this podcast,
Speaker 2: but this woman who sits across me is like fifty
Speaker 2: and last week she brought me in honey. And all
Speaker 2: of that came from not being afraid to do something alone,
Speaker 2: even if it felt lonely, and finding that there were
Speaker 2: these other people who were doing the same thing, who
Speaker 2: were also looking for connection, and we found it in
Speaker 2: each other. If it is the case that you're the
Speaker 2: root of your loneliness, chapter and the root of your
Speaker 2: loneliness at this point is a deficit of good people,
Speaker 2: try and build a routine in which you will see
Speaker 2: the same people. So this is, you know, the ceramics
Speaker 2: course is one of those things where every Tuesday I
Speaker 2: know that I'm going to see these people and that
Speaker 2: we're forming a bond and that we feel like we
Speaker 2: belong together and we can share this experience. If you
Speaker 2: have opportunities to interact with the same people at the
Speaker 2: same time, like if you go to the same gym
Speaker 2: class every week, you go to the same local cafes,
Speaker 2: you go to the same art class every week, you'll
Speaker 2: naturally create that familiarity and have that time investment that
Speaker 2: we can see is really important for building new friendships.
Speaker 2: We also have a full episode on making new friends
Speaker 2: in your twenties because gosh, is it not hard And
Speaker 2: I'm totally in the same boat with you when it
Speaker 2: comes to this, So if you search that in Spotify
Speaker 2: or Apple, you will find it. And finally, don't neglect
Speaker 2: perfectly healthy friendships. I know that it can feel difficult
Speaker 2: when we're going through this lonely chapter to look around
Speaker 2: and be like, oh my god, I just feel miserable.
Speaker 2: No one understands me. I don't have the relationships that
Speaker 2: I want. Actually sit with yourself for ten minutes. Maybe
Speaker 2: it's not the relationship, not the people, it's the type
Speaker 2: of relationship you have with them. So maybe they don't
Speaker 2: need to be completely blacked out kicked out of your life.
Speaker 2: The relationship isn't over, It just needs to be redefined.
Speaker 2: So focus on those healthy friendships. Focus on those people,
Speaker 2: even if you're not quite friends with them yet, who
Speaker 2: you do really want in your life and who you
Speaker 2: really like and who you really enjoy, and try and
Speaker 2: spend more time with them. Put more energy into the
Speaker 2: good people, the kind people, the lovely people, the ones
Speaker 2: who make you feel that spark and that energy and
Speaker 2: that joy compared to relationships which are just continuing to
Speaker 2: fail you and leave you feeling quite quite worthless. My
Speaker 2: final reminder to sum up this episode, this is normal.
Speaker 2: This is totally normal. And what it's going to allow
Speaker 2: you to do is reconnect with yourself. It's going to
Speaker 2: give you the motivation to make better friends, to be
Speaker 2: a better friend, to chase connection and good conversation. And
Speaker 2: I think it's also an important point for your future
Speaker 2: self to feel grateful for where they are at. And
Speaker 2: if that doesn't make sense, I just think that you know,
Speaker 2: in five years time, three years time, two years time,
Speaker 2: after you have exited the loneliest chapter of your twenties,
Speaker 2: you are going to look back at where you are
Speaker 2: now and you will be in a better place and
Speaker 2: you'll say Oh my god, I get why I needed
Speaker 2: to go through that, because there were all these new
Speaker 2: relationships and friendships waiting for me on the other side,
Speaker 2: waiting for me to discover them, and waiting for me
Speaker 2: to discover the peace and the happiness in my solitude
Speaker 2: that has made me a better person in my relationships.
Speaker 2: So I hope this has been comforting. I hope this
Speaker 2: has taught you something. I hope you know that you
Speaker 2: are going to be okay and that new relationships will
Speaker 2: come into your life so long as you focus on
Speaker 2: the relationship you have with yourself first until next time.
Speaker 2: If you enjoyed this episode, send it to a friend,
Speaker 2: Send it to someone who you really want to get
Speaker 2: to know, who needs to hear this, who you care
Speaker 2: about who might be going through the same thing. Make
Speaker 2: sure that you are following along on either Apple Podcasts
Speaker 2: or Spotify. And if you are listening on Apple podcasts,
Speaker 2: I do have a small request if you can leave
Speaker 2: us a five star review, that would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 2: Make sure that you are also following us on Instagram
Speaker 2: because if you have follow ups to this episode, if
Speaker 2: you want to vote on what episodes come out next,
Speaker 2: you want to see when we have live events, when
Speaker 2: things are announced, that is where you will get all
Speaker 2: of that information. And until next time, my lovely puddlings,
Speaker 2: stay safe, stay kind, be gentle to yourself, especially during
Speaker 2: this lonely chapter, and we will talk very very soon,