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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode as we, of

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Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. What we're

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Speaker 1: talking about today is very near and dear in my heart.

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Speaker 2: You know. I wouldn't say it's my favorite thing to

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Speaker 2: talk about, because it's not a very pleasant topic, but

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Speaker 2: it's something that really, I think strums on my heartstrings,

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Speaker 2: really follows me around for long stretches of time, and

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Speaker 2: it's something that I have begun to feel very at

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Speaker 2: peace with. And that thing is loneliness. Loneliness is something

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Speaker 2: that all of us in our twenties are going to experience.

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Speaker 2: If you're not experiencing it now, it is coming for you.

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Speaker 2: It's going to be around the corner. But what does

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Speaker 2: it actually mean to feel lonely during a time of

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Speaker 2: your life? That everybody will quickly tell you are the

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Speaker 2: best years of your life. Everyone's going to say your

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Speaker 2: twenties are way you should be most social, you'd have

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Speaker 2: the most fun, you should be meeting your forever friends.

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Speaker 2: But what if that is not your experience? Where do

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Speaker 2: we find ourselves? How do we cope? This is actually

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Speaker 2: an experience I've seen on the rise, friends, listeners, strangers

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Speaker 2: asking me, why do I feel so lonely? Why do

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Speaker 2: I feel so lonely despite having people around me, despite

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Speaker 2: being young and carefree, despite feeling like I'm doing everything

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Speaker 2: that I can to build community. And I have an

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Speaker 2: answer for you. It's so what I like to call

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Speaker 2: the loneliest chapter of your twenties. This is a specific

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Speaker 2: period that we all go through, the loneliest chapter where

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Speaker 2: regardless of how many relationships and friends we have, how

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Speaker 2: many hours we spend socializing, how often we are surrounded

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Speaker 2: with others, we still feel inexplicably lonely and emotionally isolated.

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Speaker 2: Not necessarily physically isolated, but like we are kind of

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Speaker 2: an island within it all. And this lonely chapter it's

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Speaker 2: going to hit us all at some stage. I actually

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Speaker 2: think it's a rite of passage. I think it's a

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Speaker 2: really important transition and milestone, and you know, it feels

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Speaker 2: really hard to explain, especially when you're in it, but

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Speaker 2: afterwards you kind of end up realizing that this was

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Speaker 2: something that you had to go through. Perhaps you know

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Speaker 2: you have to go through it because you were outgrowing

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Speaker 2: people and we needed to speed up that process. Maybe

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Speaker 2: because you're going through a major life change and you

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Speaker 2: need more time to reflect on your own experiences and

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Speaker 2: your own emotions. Maybe you've just seen your broader social

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Speaker 2: circle shrink and you need to kind of realize that

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Speaker 2: it's time to maybe move on from those friends, make

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Speaker 2: new friends, move into this new chapter. I don't know

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Speaker 2: what it is. I can't speak to what you're going

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Speaker 2: through personally, but I do think that it's unavoidable, and

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Speaker 2: I think that it's actually quite necessary for us to

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Speaker 2: experience this kind of sacred solitude early on in our lives,

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Speaker 2: in our twenties, all this shedding of relationships so that

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Speaker 2: we can truly know what fills our cup, We can

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Speaker 2: truly fall in love with our own company. We can

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Speaker 2: know that solitude is not scary, it's sacred, and we

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Speaker 2: can grow through it. And actually, by going through this

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Speaker 2: lonely period, we end up coming out more social and

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Speaker 2: connected than ever. And I'm going to explain why that is. So,

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Speaker 2: this is what we're talking about today. What is the

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Speaker 2: loneliest chapter of our twenties? Why? Why might you be

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Speaker 2: finding yourself there right now? Why is it completely normal?

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Speaker 2: But more importantly, why is it really valuable not to

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Speaker 2: run from this loneliness and fill up your time with

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Speaker 2: empty relationships and with destructions and with random people, and

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Speaker 2: instead invest in the relationship you have with yourself. That

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Speaker 2: is the longest relationship you are ever going to have.

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Speaker 2: There is no relationship that will outlive the relationship you

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Speaker 2: have with yourself. So let's talk about when loneliness factors

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Speaker 2: in to this equation. Let's find out together without further ado,

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Speaker 2: I want to explain exactly what is going on if

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Speaker 2: you find yourself in this period in this chapter right now,

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Speaker 2: let's get into it. A few years back, it came

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Speaker 2: across this spirituality phrase called the dark Knight of the soul,

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Speaker 2: and it just stuck with me. The concept of like

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Speaker 2: the dark Knight of the soul. It originated in Spain,

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Speaker 2: I think back in like this sixteenth century, if I've

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Speaker 2: got my history right, and it's basically used to describe

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Speaker 2: a really painful period in your life, a crisis that

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Speaker 2: completely transforms you. It creates a complete shift and how

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Speaker 2: you see the world, how you see yourself, your values,

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Speaker 2: the meaning that you apply to experiences, and it actually

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Speaker 2: doesn't need to be triggered by anything. It's more of

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Speaker 2: an unconscious or not even unconscious, more of an ego death,

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Speaker 2: a rethinking of who you are. Now. Some philosophers would

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Speaker 2: tell you that they actually believe it's necessary to grow

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Speaker 2: through this dark night in order to really understand yourself

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Speaker 2: and your life. And if you don't go through that,

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Speaker 2: you never actually gain self actualization, clarity, and true fulfillment. Now,

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Speaker 2: I think that the Loneliest chapter of our twenties does

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Speaker 2: the same thing, but instead of being for our perspective

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Speaker 2: and our identity, it's for our relationships. And you do

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Speaker 2: need to go through this in order to deepen how

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Speaker 2: you inevitably can with people and what you see is important.

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Speaker 2: So what does this chapter look like, what does it

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Speaker 2: kind of What are the symptoms or the signs that

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Speaker 2: you're going through this? Well, I think loneliness above or else,

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Speaker 2: but not just loneliness because of a lack of physical

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Speaker 2: relationships like your lack of people around you. You know,

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Speaker 2: it's very natural to feel lonely if you are struggling

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Speaker 2: with any friendship, you know, if you actually just don't

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Speaker 2: have friends. But I also think it's a sense of

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Speaker 2: boredom in your pre existing friendships, almost like an apathy

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Speaker 2: towards wanting to hang out with them. Is a great

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Speaker 2: desire to withdraw away or to not feel like you're

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Speaker 2: fulfilled by your current relationships. There also may be like

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Speaker 2: a heightened level of self criticism, feeling like you don't

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Speaker 2: deserve the level and the depth of the relationships that

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Speaker 2: you crave. A sense of restlessness like oh my god,

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Speaker 2: I need to be making new friends. I feel so lost,

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Speaker 2: I feel so aimless, and also some existential reflection. Being

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Speaker 2: around people is is definitely one of the best distractions

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Speaker 2: from looking straight at our thoughts, and so when being

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Speaker 2: around other people is not available as a distraction, when

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Speaker 2: it's not doing its job anymore, all those thoughts and

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Speaker 2: feelings that we have unintentionally suppressed become very loud. It's

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Speaker 2: really common, you know, for people to experience this when

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Speaker 2: they move to a new city, a new country, when

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Speaker 2: they go through a breakup, when they have their first child.

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Speaker 2: You're going through a transition that disconnects you, and that's

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Speaker 2: when you really enter the lonely chapter. The other big

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Speaker 2: indicator for me is it feels like you're writing what

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Speaker 2: I like to call the friendship roller coaster. Now we

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Speaker 2: have spoken about this on the podcast before, but this

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Speaker 2: is a term that I originated, and it basically describes how,

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Speaker 2: at one moment you might feel incredibly fulfilled and happy

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Speaker 2: and delighted by your friendships. The next moment, you're at

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Speaker 2: the bottom of the roller coaster. You're constantly feeling miserable

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Speaker 2: about your friendships, you feel at a low point, and

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Speaker 2: then you're back at the topic in and it's exhilarating

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Speaker 2: and it's anxiety inducing and it's stressful. Nothing is changing, right,

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Speaker 2: You're still in the same vehicle, you're still strapped into

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Speaker 2: the same spot. The people in the roller coaster with

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Speaker 2: you have not changed, but it's the path that you're taking.

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Speaker 2: And it really does feel like at one moment you

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Speaker 2: have so many friends and then literally the next day

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Speaker 2: nothing's changed and it feels like you have none. And

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Speaker 2: that is I think really indicative of this lonely chapter.

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Speaker 2: It's indicative that something needs to change. Sometimes I think

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Speaker 2: it also comes on slowly, right. You might wake up

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Speaker 2: one day and realize that your level of socialization, how

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Speaker 2: often you see people, the amount of quality time you

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Speaker 2: have with people has declined. Could have been a rapid descent,

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Speaker 2: especially if there was a really major life change for you,

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Speaker 2: or it could be gradual. And I like to give

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Speaker 2: the analogy of the frog in boiling water. So if

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Speaker 2: you don't know this analogy, it's kind of a sad one.

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Speaker 2: But essentially, if you put a frog in a big

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Speaker 2: what's it called pot, a big pot, a big pot

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Speaker 2: of water, and you put it over the stove and

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Speaker 2: you start to slowly boil the water, the frog actually

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Speaker 2: will not jump out, and it will end up being

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Speaker 2: burned alive, whereas if you dump a frog into a

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Speaker 2: pot of boiling water, will immediately jump out. This can

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Speaker 2: go with friendships. You might slowly see that you know,

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Speaker 2: one friend dropped off, one friend moved. You know, one

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Speaker 2: friend you don't talk to as much. One friend got

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Speaker 2: a boyfriend, so you don't talk to her as much.

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Speaker 2: Another friend, you know, you stopped working with them, so

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Speaker 2: it's not a daily interaction, and it's kind of happening

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Speaker 2: one by one, the water is slowly boiling, and then

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Speaker 2: one day you just kind of realize, like, oh, this

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Speaker 2: is who I was two years ago, this is who

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Speaker 2: I am now, And there is a huge difference, in

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Speaker 2: a huge distance, in who I see who I am,

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Speaker 2: how fulfilled I feel. I was talking to my friend

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Speaker 2: Sarah this the other day and how when she first

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Speaker 2: moved to Sydney, her social calendar was just, oh my gosh,

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Speaker 2: so intense. And she is still a relatively social person,

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Speaker 2: but she was talking about how she would pack a

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Speaker 2: bag for Friday and she would go and stay with

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Speaker 2: friends on Friday, and she would have like her day

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Speaker 2: was split into I think like five sections, four or

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Speaker 2: five sections. So she had a pre morning which was

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Speaker 2: like five till nine, then she had a normal morning

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Speaker 2: which was like ten to twelve, and she had like

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Speaker 2: afternoon which was like one to three. Then she had

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Speaker 2: like dinner time, and then she had like the evening slot,

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Speaker 2: and she would see a new group of people, or

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Speaker 2: she would see people in every single block of time.

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Speaker 2: Every single one of those blocks would be full for

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Speaker 2: the whole weekend. And she was like, I just I

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Speaker 2: just don't do that anymore. And she was like, I

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Speaker 2: don't realize. I didn't realize when it happened, but I

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Speaker 2: kind of like woke up and like that just wasn't

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Speaker 2: my life. And I had that same experience where I

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Speaker 2: felt like I had this awakening where I was like, Wow,

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Speaker 2: I just don't socialize the way I used to. Something

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Speaker 2: needs to change because I'm feeling quite lonely. This is

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Speaker 2: going to sound ridiculous, but the thing that triggered it

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Speaker 2: for me was brack Girl Summer. I yes, the Charlie

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Speaker 2: XCX album and all the stuff that came along with that.

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Speaker 2: I don't know what it was, but it reminded me

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Speaker 2: of like who I perhaps was maybe four or five

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Speaker 2: years ago, and how I wasn't her anymore. And it

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Speaker 2: really made me take a real good look at my

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Speaker 2: friendships and be like, huh, I've kind of been coasting

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Speaker 2: on relate on the backs of relationships that I've had

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Speaker 2: for years without making new friends. I since have, but

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Speaker 2: for a long time, you know, I was just slowly

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Speaker 2: adjusting to a way of life that actually felt inherently lonely,

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Speaker 2: and I felt like I was very displaced in the

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Speaker 2: in the reality that I've created. So why does this

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Speaker 2: actually happen? What would developmental psychologists tell us about this,

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Speaker 2: tell us about this transition or this huge drop. Well,

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Speaker 2: what creates this experience is actually two parallel experiences. The

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Speaker 2: first is the loss of old friends and the difficulty

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Speaker 2: in maintaining those relationships at the same level within the

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Speaker 2: changing circumstances of our twenties. And the second is difficulty

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Speaker 2: in making new friends, not necessarily replacing those old friends,

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Speaker 2: but just creating that same sense of belonging with new

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Speaker 2: people in a similar way to the people that we

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Speaker 2: previously had in our lives. Where can we find those

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Speaker 2: environments and those spaces where we actually feel like we belong?

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Speaker 2: So I'm going to begin by focusing on that first experience,

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Speaker 2: the loss of old friends, even if they're not necessarily

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Speaker 2: out of your life, we do tend to notice the

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Speaker 2: further we get into this decade a distance, and I

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Speaker 2: think that can be explained by three things typically occur

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Speaker 2: during this period of life. First, we have splintering paths.

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Speaker 2: You know, if you grew up with a group of

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Speaker 2: people at the same time, you're the same age, you're

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Speaker 2: going through the same experiences at the same time, so

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Speaker 2: you know you are in primary school, you're in high school,

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Speaker 2: you're going off to college after university, you're working those

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Speaker 2: part time jobs together. You have all this time together.

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Speaker 2: The experiences are very parallel. You could spend the ages

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Speaker 2: of like two to like twenty two in the exact

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Speaker 2: same environment, doing the exact same thing as someone else,

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Speaker 2: then seeing splinter, and you no longer have those parallel

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Speaker 2: experiences in the parallel environments. You no longer have the

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Speaker 2: convenience of seeing others at school, or seeing others at

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Speaker 2: a part time job, or seeing others you know studying

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Speaker 2: with each other at university. There is no longer the

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Speaker 2: ease and the convenience of maintaining a long term friendship

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Speaker 2: with someone who you've been really close to for a

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Speaker 2: whole lot of time. This can also be precipitated by

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Speaker 2: being life change. You know, people do move, people have children,

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Speaker 2: People experience a whole crazy different amalgamation of life experiences.

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Speaker 2: They're not all going to be the same. So sometimes

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Speaker 2: if someone's priorities and complete path in life is suddenly directed,

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Speaker 2: we can't always keep up and the relationship falls by

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Speaker 2: the wayside. Finally, and this is a huge one, especially

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Speaker 2: in our I would say mid to late twenties, is

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Speaker 2: that we get life partners, or we get partners, A

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Speaker 2: lot of us start to take dating a lot more seriously.

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Speaker 2: It's a big transition, I would say, or a big

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Speaker 2: distinction between people who are in emerging adulthood versus full

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Speaker 2: blown adulthood. It's the prioritization of partnership. So I say

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Speaker 2: this a lot actually, and I this is a very

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Speaker 2: deep belief of mine. I think that your friends are

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Speaker 2: the most important relationship between like eighteen and twenty six,

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Speaker 2: But then after twenty six, about fifty percent of us start,

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Speaker 2: or a large majority of us really start, you know,

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Speaker 2: putting our partner as the most important relationship until you

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Speaker 2: know we have kids. So that is how I see

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Speaker 2: like our relationship priorities changing over the course of our life.

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Speaker 2: If you're in your twenties, you might be smack bang

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Speaker 2: in the middle of that transition, the transition towards partnership.

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Speaker 2: And if you don't have a partner but your friends do,

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Speaker 2: it can feel like you're left out. It's interesting because,

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Speaker 2: according to research done by the University of Kansas, we

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Speaker 2: lose an average of two friends per year in our

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Speaker 2: mid to late twenties. And that carries on into our thirties.

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Speaker 2: I think it's a combination of all these factors, of

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Speaker 2: all these different lifestyle shifts and changes and environments and

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Speaker 2: situations and contexts and blah blah blah that all combine

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Speaker 2: to make friendship during this decade a lot harder. Now

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Speaker 2: when it comes to making new friends. We've already spoken

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Speaker 2: about this, but you know, you're no longer in environments

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Speaker 2: that make friendship convenient and that are effortlessly social. The

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Speaker 2: number one way that people make new friends in adulthoods

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Speaker 2: is through work. Even that that's not effortly social, it's

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Speaker 2: just that you're close by to someone and you're in

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Speaker 2: the trenches together, so it's easy to form a relationship

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Speaker 2: those environments. You've got to remember when we were kids,

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Speaker 2: and when we were teenagers, and when we were in

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Speaker 2: our early twenties. There are a lot more of those

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Speaker 2: environments available to us. Here's another really interesting insight. The

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Speaker 2: most valuable factor for predicting whether a friendship will take

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Speaker 2: place between two people. According to researchers, this is the

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Speaker 2: number one factor that they cite. It's familiarity. Familiarity followed

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Speaker 2: by similarity and proximity. But essentially what they will say

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Speaker 2: to you is that if you want new connections and

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Speaker 2: you want new friendships, the more familiar you are with someone,

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Speaker 2: the more bond did you feel. And what does familiarity

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Speaker 2: require above or else. It's time. It's time, something that

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Speaker 2: we have less and less of the older we get

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Speaker 2: and the more our day is split into quadrants and

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Speaker 2: pieces and quld reports and you know everything. Just everyone

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Speaker 2: wants a piece. We have less time devoted to friendships,

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Speaker 2: but time is the crucial element. Jeffrey Hall, he's an

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Speaker 2: expert in the psychology of friendship, and he studied four

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Speaker 2: hundred and fifty individuals over the course of I think

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Speaker 2: six months to a year, and he found that it

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Speaker 2: took about forty five hours of being in the presence

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Speaker 2: of another person's company for you to consider that they

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Speaker 2: are no longer an acquaintance but a friend. To move

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Speaker 2: from casual friend to a meaningful friendship took fifty hours

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Speaker 2: over a three month period, and to move into the

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Speaker 2: inner close friendship circle it took another one hundred hours.

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Speaker 2: When we were younger, we had that time to invest

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Speaker 2: in friendship, shared experiences, core memories. But now that time

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Speaker 2: is filled with work, chores, just being tired. I was

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Speaker 2: also speaking to a friend about this the other day

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Speaker 2: about how if you move cities or you move countries,

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Speaker 2: people often have their established social circles. It's very hard

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Speaker 2: to kind of find your way in. So if you

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Speaker 2: are the expat, the new person in town, you're also

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Speaker 2: going to I think, particularly struggle. It's interesting because I'm

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Speaker 2: seeing a lot of friends of mine and a lot

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Speaker 2: of people that I knew from union in high school, like,

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Speaker 2: all moving to London or moving to Europe or New

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Speaker 2: Zealand or the US, and they all end up finding

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Speaker 2: each other again because they already have that pre established

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Speaker 2: sense of familiarity. So all of this goes to say,

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Speaker 2: if you're experiencing this period of writing the friendship roller coaster,

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Speaker 2: if you are entering or in the midst of the

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Speaker 2: loneliest chapter of your twenties, you are not alone as

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Speaker 2: a whole developmental transitionary shift occurring in your life. That

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Speaker 2: is meaning that your day and your weeks and your

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Speaker 2: months feel a lot more devoid of a sense of

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Speaker 2: connection and a sense of being seen. We're all going

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Speaker 2: to go through it at least once, maybe even more

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Speaker 2: and I want to talk about where to next, because

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Speaker 2: what's really important to state is that this is actually

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Speaker 2: a chapter. It is not permanent, it is not the

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Speaker 2: rest of the story, and each of us will get

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Speaker 2: through it. We are meant to get through it. There

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Speaker 2: is something brighter on the other side. There is a

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Speaker 2: reprioritization of certain relationships, There is a reaching out. There

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Speaker 2: is basically a conclusion to this chapter that I want

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Speaker 2: you to find, and something better that comes after it.

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Speaker 2: So we are going to talk about all of that

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Speaker 2: and more after this shortbreak. It is my belo that

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Speaker 2: I've said many many times, but I really wanted to

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Speaker 2: come across that loneliness is actually not a curse. It's

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Speaker 2: not a disease. It's more than that. It's an emotional cueue,

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Speaker 2: it is a physical cue. It is an instinctual, evolutionary queue.

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Speaker 2: The same way that we experience hunger and thirst as

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Speaker 2: indicators that we are in need of something, we also

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Speaker 2: experience loneliness. So take it as a sign from your

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Speaker 2: body and a sign from your mind that it's simply

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Speaker 2: just a need that is not fulfilled and that you

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Speaker 2: do need to reach out when you can also learn

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Speaker 2: to be lonely and to you turn that into a skill.

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Speaker 2: You importantly are no longer reliant on relationships that don't

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Speaker 2: fulfill you because solitude is no longer a punishment. The

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Speaker 2: psychologist Carl Jung actually believed that solitude could almost be medicinal,

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Speaker 2: could almost be healing, because it led to de personal

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Speaker 2: growth and self actualization, especially in a world that is

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Speaker 2: full full of so many interactions, full of so much noise,

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Speaker 2: so much stimulus, so much information coming in. When do

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Speaker 2: you get a time to yourself? When was the last

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00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,800
Speaker 2: time you had a time to yourself where there wasn't

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Speaker 2: something in front of your face or in your ears,

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Speaker 2: or you know, something that you were interacting with. Solitude

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00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,040
Speaker 2: provides us with that space. Being alone gives you a

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Speaker 2: chance to reflect on who you are, on your goals.

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Speaker 2: It can bring greater self awareness personal development. You also

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00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,600
Speaker 2: gain something else really valuable, which is the ability to

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Speaker 2: tolerate discomfort instead of going back to shit people. I

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Speaker 2: see a lot of people who have, if I'm being honest,

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Speaker 2: not great friends, really terrible friends who they actually don't

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Speaker 2: like and who are quite awful to them, But they

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00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:00,840
Speaker 2: continue to feel this really intense obligation and loyalty to

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Speaker 2: them because they are the only thing that is between

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Speaker 2: them and loneliness. And when you are scared of loneliness,

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Speaker 2: you will accept, you know, the hell that you know,

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Speaker 2: over that uncertainty and over that discomfort. People try a

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Speaker 2: lot of ways to get comfortable with discomfort. They try

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Speaker 2: I spars, they try extreme sports, extreme meditation. But who

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00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:28,479
Speaker 2: would have thought that just sitting with a lonely feeling

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00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:32,680
Speaker 2: is another way to reap the same rewards and to actually,

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Speaker 2: and I'm going to say this, make you less attached

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Speaker 2: to the people who don't deserve your attachment. I'm not

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Speaker 2: saying that it means that you need to withdraw or

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Speaker 2: that you need to deliberately isolate yourself. I mean that

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Speaker 2: when you have a sense of allegiance with your loneliness,

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Speaker 2: when you feel like it is your friend rather than

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Speaker 2: your enemy, you are not scared to choose the solitary,

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Speaker 2: lonely path if it looks better than the one in

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Speaker 2: which you have you know, crap people around you, in

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00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 2: which you are being mistreated, in which you are being

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00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 2: poorly treated, I guess as well. So that was a

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00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:13,200
Speaker 2: really important lesson for me to learn, especially I used

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00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,879
Speaker 2: to have a real intense fear of loneliness. I used

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00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 2: to be really scared of what it would mean to

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00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 2: be ostracized, be isolated. It made me feel unlovable to

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00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 2: not be around people all the time. It made me

395
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:26,679
Speaker 2: feel like I was forgettable, and that led me to

396
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,960
Speaker 2: really stay in situations that I didn't deserve to be in.

397
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Speaker 2: But after a breakup, actually quite a few years ago,

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Speaker 2: around six years ago, I went and spent some time

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00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:40,600
Speaker 2: with my grandma. Now, my grandma has the most amazing

400
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:44,399
Speaker 2: beautiful house in the Gold Coast in Queensland and Australia.

401
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:49,040
Speaker 2: It is like a jungle oasis next to the beach

402
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,159
Speaker 2: up in the hills. We have our own gardens, we

403
00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:56,600
Speaker 2: have there's chickens, there's baby quails, there's kangaroos, there's bridges

404
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,280
Speaker 2: and streams. It's glorious. And I spent a lot long

405
00:24:00,359 --> 00:24:04,080
Speaker 2: amount of time in that house just with her, really

406
00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:08,119
Speaker 2: healing after a breakup where I felt like I couldn't

407
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:12,359
Speaker 2: trust myself to continue to be around people who I

408
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,240
Speaker 2: knew were bad for me because I was constantly going

409
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,679
Speaker 2: to choose them over myself. And in that time, it

410
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,680
Speaker 2: was hard, It was really really difficult but I rewired

411
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,880
Speaker 2: and I reprogrammed part of my personality, and I would

412
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,399
Speaker 2: say my social blueprint that craved any form of a

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00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:32,240
Speaker 2: validation from being around people, any form of it, even

414
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,960
Speaker 2: when it came at my own expense. There is a

415
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 2: very little promised in life. But I think, yes, loneliness

416
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,920
Speaker 2: is one of those things. But the other thing is change.

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00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 2: It can't stay like this forever. And so whilst you

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Speaker 2: are on this lonely chapter, I really want you to

419
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,280
Speaker 2: get the most out of it that you can. As

420
00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:51,720
Speaker 2: Carl Jung said, you know, it might actually be one

421
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 2: of the biggest gifts to have a moment alone, to

422
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:57,640
Speaker 2: have a moment where you're not scared to be alone.

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00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,840
Speaker 2: So this is how I want you to Actually, I'm

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00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,399
Speaker 2: not going to say enjoy the moment, but receive the

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00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:08,880
Speaker 2: gift from the lonely moment. Firstly, acknowledge your feelings. Please

426
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:13,719
Speaker 2: don't bury them. You will feel terrible at times. It

427
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 2: isn't comfortable because humans aren't meant to be alone forever.

428
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:20,200
Speaker 2: But the people who miss out on the lesson from

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Speaker 2: this period, those who avoid ever feeling that feeling at all,

430
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:27,479
Speaker 2: they do seek comfort in destruction, and that is a

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00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 2: form of avoidance, which means that we actually continue to

432
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:34,040
Speaker 2: sustain the unhealthy and fearful relationship we have with loneliness,

433
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:39,080
Speaker 2: which is a perfectly helpful human emotion. Psychologists and more importantly,

434
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:43,680
Speaker 2: researchers who study our unique emotional approaches to loneliness. They've

435
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,639
Speaker 2: actually found that people who view this emotion as an

436
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:50,920
Speaker 2: opportunity for self discovery rather than something to escape from,

437
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,800
Speaker 2: they find a lot of meaning. It feels less like

438
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 2: isolation and more like personal space. But they also become

439
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,840
Speaker 2: more clear and more focused on their goals. Here's another

440
00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 2: amazing benefit for you if you're going through this right now.

441
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,160
Speaker 2: According to a twenty twenty study that looked at our

442
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,280
Speaker 2: perceptions of loneliness and the interactions or the correlation with

443
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:19,520
Speaker 2: emotional intelligence amongst young adults, having a mature grasp on

444
00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 2: loneliness makes you more emotionally intelligent. It means that your

445
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:29,400
Speaker 2: ability to name, identify, appropriately respond to your own emotions

446
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,679
Speaker 2: and then also identify those emotions in other people and

447
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 2: have a successful response make people feel like you relate

448
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 2: to them and that you care about them. Your ability

449
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,439
Speaker 2: to do that improves, like no tomorrow. That is what

450
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 2: we're gaining despite what we feel like we're missing, we're

451
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:51,360
Speaker 2: actually gaining a more keen social and emotional ability. The

452
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:54,040
Speaker 2: second way that I think you can really help yourself

453
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 2: through this period is to firstly take a social media detox.

454
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:00,520
Speaker 2: You know, I'm not trying to say say that this

455
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,760
Speaker 2: loneliness is like the best thing ever and that you

456
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,919
Speaker 2: need to be happy about it all the time. It

457
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,240
Speaker 2: actually does still feel quite painful, So don't make that

458
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,359
Speaker 2: experience more painful than it has to be. Take a break,

459
00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 2: take a step back, disconnect from social media. Everythink your

460
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:18,520
Speaker 2: relationship with it and whether it is contributing to your

461
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,920
Speaker 2: fear of missing out and meaning that you are only

462
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,520
Speaker 2: focusing on your experiences in comparison to what others look like.

463
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:28,280
Speaker 2: I think that you'll find that the answer is yes,

464
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,960
Speaker 2: and when you have less opportunities to engage in that comparison,

465
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 2: the joy comes back. Romanticize the experiences that you have

466
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,720
Speaker 2: on your own as well. I have a friend who

467
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:43,600
Speaker 2: does date nights with themselves. Once a month. They go

468
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,440
Speaker 2: to an Italian restaurant, They order a glass of wine,

469
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 2: and they bring their journal and they answer a series

470
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:51,879
Speaker 2: of five questions. You know what am I proud of

471
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,680
Speaker 2: myself for what do I want in the next month,

472
00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,400
Speaker 2: What is something that I'm going through? How am I feeling?

473
00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:02,240
Speaker 2: Like a genuine check And they really look forward to

474
00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:05,000
Speaker 2: this date with themselves once a month. I have another

475
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 2: friend who does regular solo trips, another friend who goes

476
00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 2: on daily walks in different neighborhoods, and that's like her

477
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,719
Speaker 2: alone time just for her, and she's like, it's like

478
00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 2: the best time of my day, which I love. Another

479
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,480
Speaker 2: friend of mine has a tadar list, and I actually

480
00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 2: have one of these as well. It is like a

481
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:27,240
Speaker 2: folder in my phone, like an album of things that

482
00:28:27,280 --> 00:28:30,280
Speaker 2: I've experienced when I was on my own that only

483
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,399
Speaker 2: I got to enjoy in that moment. Something that I

484
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:34,960
Speaker 2: put in there the other day was like I saw

485
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 2: these like, oh my god, this huge mass of bees

486
00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 2: like pollinating these poppies. And sometimes when you see beautiful

487
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 2: things like that, your first inclination is to be like,

488
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 2: oh my god, who can I show? Who can I tell?

489
00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 2: And I was like, wait, I am having this experience

490
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:54,400
Speaker 2: on my own, and that is actually really beautiful, So

491
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 2: I'm just gonna obviously I've just shared it with you,

492
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,560
Speaker 2: so I get the irony and hypocrisy what I'm about

493
00:29:00,600 --> 00:29:04,720
Speaker 2: to say, but sometimes really appreciating that your own company

494
00:29:04,760 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 2: and your own experience of something is worthwhile in itself

495
00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 2: means that you're no longer afraid to experience those things

496
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,360
Speaker 2: by yourself. You've got to see the romance in it.

497
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:18,280
Speaker 2: Sometimes that is the best mindset shift is to instead

498
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 2: of seeing like a danger or a torture, is to

499
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:24,200
Speaker 2: be like, how can I make this beautiful and lovely

500
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,720
Speaker 2: and special? I start a new hobby as well. Now

501
00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:29,560
Speaker 2: this one is like should have been number one at

502
00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 2: my list. I started a ceramics class like almost four

503
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,200
Speaker 2: months ago now that I've continued to do. But the

504
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:40,240
Speaker 2: reason I did it was because I was like, every

505
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 2: you know, thing that I do for fun is with

506
00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,000
Speaker 2: other people, and I'm feeling actually quite detached from myself,

507
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 2: and so I know that when those other people aren't around,

508
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,840
Speaker 2: I'm going to feel very lonely. So I want to

509
00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:53,080
Speaker 2: do something that is just for me, and I sign

510
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 2: up for this class. I think it was like three

511
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:57,720
Speaker 2: hundred dollars, which a lot of money up front, but

512
00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 2: then it pays itself forward and it has been one

513
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,360
Speaker 2: of the best things for my mental health and for

514
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,560
Speaker 2: my feelings of isolation during this time in my life.

515
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,600
Speaker 2: I've also made a lot of friends through it. It

516
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,920
Speaker 2: started off as a solo practice and has actually become

517
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,560
Speaker 2: something upon which I've built community. You know, I have

518
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,720
Speaker 2: a friend from Ireland who was doing the course with me.

519
00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:21,280
Speaker 2: I've got like, you know, the woman who sits across

520
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:22,920
Speaker 2: from me. I'm not going to say their names because

521
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 2: they might not want me talking about them on this podcast,

522
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:28,120
Speaker 2: but this woman who sits across me is like fifty

523
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 2: and last week she brought me in honey. And all

524
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,640
Speaker 2: of that came from not being afraid to do something alone,

525
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,600
Speaker 2: even if it felt lonely, and finding that there were

526
00:30:37,640 --> 00:30:40,160
Speaker 2: these other people who were doing the same thing, who

527
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:42,400
Speaker 2: were also looking for connection, and we found it in

528
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,000
Speaker 2: each other. If it is the case that you're the

529
00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,840
Speaker 2: root of your loneliness, chapter and the root of your

530
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,000
Speaker 2: loneliness at this point is a deficit of good people,

531
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:53,960
Speaker 2: try and build a routine in which you will see

532
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 2: the same people. So this is, you know, the ceramics

533
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,800
Speaker 2: course is one of those things where every Tuesday I

534
00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:01,000
Speaker 2: know that I'm going to see these people and that

535
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:03,680
Speaker 2: we're forming a bond and that we feel like we

536
00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:06,960
Speaker 2: belong together and we can share this experience. If you

537
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 2: have opportunities to interact with the same people at the

538
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,240
Speaker 2: same time, like if you go to the same gym

539
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,120
Speaker 2: class every week, you go to the same local cafes,

540
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 2: you go to the same art class every week, you'll

541
00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 2: naturally create that familiarity and have that time investment that

542
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 2: we can see is really important for building new friendships.

543
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:32,200
Speaker 2: We also have a full episode on making new friends

544
00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,600
Speaker 2: in your twenties because gosh, is it not hard And

545
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,160
Speaker 2: I'm totally in the same boat with you when it

546
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,600
Speaker 2: comes to this, So if you search that in Spotify

547
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:45,640
Speaker 2: or Apple, you will find it. And finally, don't neglect

548
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:51,200
Speaker 2: perfectly healthy friendships. I know that it can feel difficult

549
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,280
Speaker 2: when we're going through this lonely chapter to look around

550
00:31:54,360 --> 00:31:57,480
Speaker 2: and be like, oh my god, I just feel miserable.

551
00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:01,520
Speaker 2: No one understands me. I don't have the relationships that

552
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:06,200
Speaker 2: I want. Actually sit with yourself for ten minutes. Maybe

553
00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:09,840
Speaker 2: it's not the relationship, not the people, it's the type

554
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 2: of relationship you have with them. So maybe they don't

555
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,000
Speaker 2: need to be completely blacked out kicked out of your life.

556
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:19,440
Speaker 2: The relationship isn't over, It just needs to be redefined.

557
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 2: So focus on those healthy friendships. Focus on those people,

558
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,760
Speaker 2: even if you're not quite friends with them yet, who

559
00:32:25,800 --> 00:32:28,120
Speaker 2: you do really want in your life and who you

560
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 2: really like and who you really enjoy, and try and

561
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 2: spend more time with them. Put more energy into the

562
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 2: good people, the kind people, the lovely people, the ones

563
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,120
Speaker 2: who make you feel that spark and that energy and

564
00:32:43,120 --> 00:32:48,200
Speaker 2: that joy compared to relationships which are just continuing to

565
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 2: fail you and leave you feeling quite quite worthless. My

566
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:57,240
Speaker 2: final reminder to sum up this episode, this is normal.

567
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:01,160
Speaker 2: This is totally normal. And what it's going to allow

568
00:33:01,200 --> 00:33:03,840
Speaker 2: you to do is reconnect with yourself. It's going to

569
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:06,680
Speaker 2: give you the motivation to make better friends, to be

570
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:11,080
Speaker 2: a better friend, to chase connection and good conversation. And

571
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 2: I think it's also an important point for your future

572
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 2: self to feel grateful for where they are at. And

573
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:21,640
Speaker 2: if that doesn't make sense, I just think that you know,

574
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:25,040
Speaker 2: in five years time, three years time, two years time,

575
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,000
Speaker 2: after you have exited the loneliest chapter of your twenties,

576
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:30,280
Speaker 2: you are going to look back at where you are

577
00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,719
Speaker 2: now and you will be in a better place and

578
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:34,480
Speaker 2: you'll say Oh my god, I get why I needed

579
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 2: to go through that, because there were all these new

580
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:40,200
Speaker 2: relationships and friendships waiting for me on the other side,

581
00:33:40,280 --> 00:33:43,360
Speaker 2: waiting for me to discover them, and waiting for me

582
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 2: to discover the peace and the happiness in my solitude

583
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:50,480
Speaker 2: that has made me a better person in my relationships.

584
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 2: So I hope this has been comforting. I hope this

585
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:55,920
Speaker 2: has taught you something. I hope you know that you

586
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 2: are going to be okay and that new relationships will

587
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,400
Speaker 2: come into your life so long as you focus on

588
00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:06,400
Speaker 2: the relationship you have with yourself first until next time.

589
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:08,880
Speaker 2: If you enjoyed this episode, send it to a friend,

590
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:11,120
Speaker 2: Send it to someone who you really want to get

591
00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 2: to know, who needs to hear this, who you care

592
00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:17,279
Speaker 2: about who might be going through the same thing. Make

593
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:20,000
Speaker 2: sure that you are following along on either Apple Podcasts

594
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:22,840
Speaker 2: or Spotify. And if you are listening on Apple podcasts,

595
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:25,080
Speaker 2: I do have a small request if you can leave

596
00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:28,000
Speaker 2: us a five star review, that would be greatly appreciated.

597
00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:31,959
Speaker 2: Make sure that you are also following us on Instagram

598
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:34,920
Speaker 2: because if you have follow ups to this episode, if

599
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,640
Speaker 2: you want to vote on what episodes come out next,

600
00:34:38,000 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 2: you want to see when we have live events, when

601
00:34:40,200 --> 00:34:42,520
Speaker 2: things are announced, that is where you will get all

602
00:34:42,560 --> 00:34:46,600
Speaker 2: of that information. And until next time, my lovely puddlings,

603
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:52,160
Speaker 2: stay safe, stay kind, be gentle to yourself, especially during

604
00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:55,919
Speaker 2: this lonely chapter, and we will talk very very soon,