1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:03,760 Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 2 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:09,080 Speaker 1: the world, it is so great to have you here 4 00:00:09,480 --> 00:00:12,879 Speaker 1: back for another episode. Today's episode, though you may have 5 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:18,000 Speaker 1: already noticed, is a rerun, So over the next two weeks, 6 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,840 Speaker 1: I am putting out some of my best episodes from 7 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,959 Speaker 1: the last four years of almost NonStop podcasting as I 8 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,960 Speaker 1: just take some time away to launch my debut book, 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,560 Speaker 1: Person in Progress, A Roadmap to the Psychology of Your Twenties. 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:34,160 Speaker 1: Do not fret. I will be back on the twenty 11 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: ninth of April, but I just wanted to give my 12 00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,880 Speaker 1: book a little bit of extra love these next two 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,599 Speaker 1: weeks because it's a big deal and I'm not going 14 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: to talk about it too much. I'm sure you're just 15 00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,199 Speaker 1: here to listen to the podcast and probably sick of 16 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,920 Speaker 1: me talking about it, but I just want to say 17 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,640 Speaker 1: thank you. I want to say a huge thank you 18 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:54,200 Speaker 1: for allowing me to write this book and put it 19 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:57,200 Speaker 1: out in the world. This is only possible because of 20 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: you all. Because of you, guys, the listeners. Literally, that's it. 21 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,920 Speaker 1: That's the only reason I'm able to do this. And 22 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,920 Speaker 1: I've wanted to be an author since I was five. 23 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 1: Twenty years later, you guys made that happen for me, 24 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,959 Speaker 1: So just thank you, Thank you so much. I would 25 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,240 Speaker 1: obviously love it if you could pre order it, buy it, 26 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: gift it to a friend, but you've already done so much, 27 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,600 Speaker 1: and I just feel honored to have had this opportunity. 28 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: Most of all, I'm just really pumped for you guys 29 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: to read it. I hope that you learn something. I'm 30 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,039 Speaker 1: sure if you love the podcast, you will love Person 31 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:35,160 Speaker 1: in Progress as well. But it's a really exciting time 32 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: and the main feeling I have right now is one 33 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:41,760 Speaker 1: of gratitude. So thank you so much. Without further ado, 34 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoy this rerun of one of my 35 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: favorite all time episodes. 36 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:57,040 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 37 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,000 Speaker 2: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 38 00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:04,760 Speaker 2: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they. 39 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 1: Mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 40 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:18,640 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 41 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,680 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 42 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 1: have you here back for another episode. As we of 43 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:28,240 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Worrying about 44 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:31,120 Speaker 1: what other people think about us can take up a 45 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,040 Speaker 1: lot of mental real estate. We kind of know that 46 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:36,840 Speaker 1: we shouldn't care. We know that we are loved, We 47 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,959 Speaker 1: know that no one is really watching us that closely. 48 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,919 Speaker 1: But for some of us, it's not really a choice. 49 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 1: We are overwhelmed by this deep, persistent fear of being perceived. 50 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: We're constantly aware of those invisible judgments that others might 51 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:56,720 Speaker 1: be making, what parts of us they might not like, 52 00:02:57,360 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 1: Who we might offend if we say the wrong thing, 53 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,920 Speaker 1: who we make cringe, And it keeps us in this 54 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: place of self denial, denial of our true selves, of 55 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:13,639 Speaker 1: our potential, of our ambitions, of our authenticity. And today 56 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,600 Speaker 1: I want to talk about it because it's a fear 57 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: that is definitely not spoken about enough, despite being something 58 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:24,120 Speaker 1: that a lot of us in our twenties and beyond 59 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:28,799 Speaker 1: manage on a daily basis. Being in this decade of life, 60 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,240 Speaker 1: it comes with a lot of insecurity. For sure. You know, 61 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,120 Speaker 1: it's our first decade of adulthood and we're normally lost, 62 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,360 Speaker 1: we're lonely. Maybe we're trying to fit in, and this 63 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:42,720 Speaker 1: fear of being perceived feeds on these worries to make 64 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,160 Speaker 1: us feel even more out of place and insecure. What 65 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,320 Speaker 1: you may not know is that there is a lot 66 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: more to be said about this than just the typical 67 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: explanation that we get of social anxiety or low self confidence. 68 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: Our fear of being perceived has its roots in early 69 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:04,400 Speaker 1: experiences of social exclusion, bullying, even perfectionism, and how our 70 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:09,119 Speaker 1: brains process social and emotional information. Learning about this really 71 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,920 Speaker 1: helps us accept this reality that has kind of been 72 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: thrust on us right and with that knowledge comes power, 73 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 1: the power to kind of change the thought loop that 74 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 1: keeps us fearful and withdrawn. And when you break down 75 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:28,440 Speaker 1: the irrational and fear dependent thoughts that keep us trapped 76 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:33,320 Speaker 1: by other people's potential judgments, a huge weight is really lifted, 77 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,840 Speaker 1: and that's really what I want for you. We're also 78 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,560 Speaker 1: going to discuss three powerful mental shifts that I've used 79 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,600 Speaker 1: that are backed by research and psychology that can help 80 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,160 Speaker 1: you overcome your fear of being perceived, from playing mind 81 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,839 Speaker 1: games with your mind games to decentering the opinions of 82 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:56,040 Speaker 1: others through exposure, and also applying one of the greatest 83 00:04:56,160 --> 00:05:01,080 Speaker 1: cognitive tricks of all time to essentially stop your anxiety 84 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:05,240 Speaker 1: about other people's opinions before they even begin. There is 85 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,440 Speaker 1: so much to talk about, and I also want to 86 00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: explore what can happen when we do this. What is 87 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:17,000 Speaker 1: the reality of being free from our fear of being perceived? 88 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,600 Speaker 1: So much becomes possible. I just think it's something that 89 00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,640 Speaker 1: a lot of us can't even imagine, but I kind 90 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:24,599 Speaker 1: of want to show you what that might look like. 91 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:27,359 Speaker 1: So there is a lot to unpack in this episode, 92 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,480 Speaker 1: and I know from hearing from all of you that 93 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 1: this is not uncommon in the slightest. So for all 94 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:36,800 Speaker 1: of you who are managing this, dealing with this, this 95 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: episode is for you to get that clarity, to feel seen, 96 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,200 Speaker 1: to know the psychology, and of course to overcome it. 97 00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,840 Speaker 1: So without further ado, let's get into how you can 98 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:58,560 Speaker 1: overcome your fear of being perceived. Our fear of being 99 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: perceived really comes down to this irrational anxiety around being 100 00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:07,480 Speaker 1: observed and scrutinized by others. It's kind of in the name, really, 101 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,960 Speaker 1: but this fear is also known as scopophobia, and that 102 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: comes from the Greek word scope to be examined, and 103 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:19,559 Speaker 1: of course phobia to fear anytime something contains the word 104 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 1: phobia in it, we know that what's really happening below 105 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 1: the surface is anxiety. There is a dysregulated response to 106 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:34,320 Speaker 1: a persistent, irrational thought or worry. You might say, you know, okay, scopophobia, Yeah, 107 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,400 Speaker 1: it has its own name, But isn't this just social anxiety? 108 00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,479 Speaker 1: And you would be totally right for thinking that. The 109 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,760 Speaker 1: fear of being perceived and social anxiety often go hand 110 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 1: in hand. But this is more than simply a social 111 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:53,159 Speaker 1: phobia around wanting to avoid being seen by others. It's 112 00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 1: also a specific phobia, and specific phobias surround an extreme 113 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 1: fear of a specific situation that poses little to no 114 00:07:02,080 --> 00:07:06,359 Speaker 1: danger but makes people really, really anxious. The thing is, 115 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: your fear of being perceived can be isolated to just 116 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 1: a single environment, like you may have no trouble public speaking, 117 00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: hosting parties, even being seen by strangers on the street, 118 00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:21,679 Speaker 1: but when it comes to dating, you are incredibly fearful 119 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,559 Speaker 1: of what people might think of you on your first 120 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:28,240 Speaker 1: date or on dating apps, so you avoid those situations altogether. 121 00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 1: That's a specific trigger for your phobia of being perceived. 122 00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,720 Speaker 1: Or you may be really confident in every other setting 123 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,920 Speaker 1: other than in the workplace or at the gym. That's 124 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: why this fear can be very specific in nature. It's 125 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 1: at this point that it's probably important to note that 126 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: there are kind of two versions or two varieties to 127 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: our fear of being perceived. There is the fear of 128 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: being physically perceived taking up space being seen by others, 129 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,200 Speaker 1: which is probably the most common. And then there is 130 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: the fear of being emotionally perceived, which has more to 131 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,760 Speaker 1: do with being seen deeply and intimately by someone else 132 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:11,520 Speaker 1: on a more kind of feeling space level. It's less common, 133 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: but it's still a really difficult reality to believe that 134 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,960 Speaker 1: if anyone were to truly see you and your character 135 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,720 Speaker 1: and to know you, they probably wouldn't want to be 136 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:24,280 Speaker 1: around you anymore. Physical like, our fear of physical perception 137 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: is more around people making assumptions. Oftentimes, though they kind 138 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:34,959 Speaker 1: of go hand in hand, because perception alone isn't scary, right, 139 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:38,240 Speaker 1: It's the judgment that comes next, and that is where 140 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 1: kind of the emotional element comes in. It's not that 141 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: we kind of think that someone looking at us is 142 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,960 Speaker 1: inherently dangerous, that their eyes are going to like burn 143 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: holes in our skin, even if it might feel that way. 144 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:57,640 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's what we know comes second. People make instantaneous 145 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: and snap calls around they think someone is like within 146 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: seconds or minutes, and perception is not objective. There is 147 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:13,120 Speaker 1: not one clear way of seeing everything and everyone. It's objective, 148 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,920 Speaker 1: so we can't control what they think about us, whether 149 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:19,400 Speaker 1: that is correct or not, and that is often what 150 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:23,120 Speaker 1: is really at the root of this experience. We don't 151 00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:27,679 Speaker 1: actually fear the act of being perceived physically. We fear 152 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:31,960 Speaker 1: being judged, and we fear the unknowns that are contained 153 00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 1: in those judgments. And here is where we kind of 154 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,720 Speaker 1: return to that distinction between fear and anxiety. Fear is 155 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:43,200 Speaker 1: for the present and anxiety is for the possibility. That's 156 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,640 Speaker 1: where all the fun is in for our anxiety, right 157 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 1: Our anxiety likes to try to figure things out that 158 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 1: we may never know, and that unknown is so scary. 159 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,079 Speaker 1: We catastrophize based on the worst case scenario rather than 160 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 1: what is most likely, which is that people pay lot 161 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 1: more attention to themselves than anyone else. Most people are 162 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:07,760 Speaker 1: actually fairly kind with their judgments, and even if they aren't, 163 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,120 Speaker 1: we're still going to be okay. We can survive someone 164 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:15,320 Speaker 1: not liking us based on limited information. We can survive 165 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,960 Speaker 1: someone not liking us based on their own insecurities because 166 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: it's not about us anymore. But let's kind of track 167 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:24,440 Speaker 1: back for a second, because there is something crucial I've 168 00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:28,720 Speaker 1: missed here. That is, what is it exactly about those 169 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:33,000 Speaker 1: invisible judgments that are so scary for people with the 170 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,000 Speaker 1: fear of being perceived? Yes, so it is the fact 171 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,960 Speaker 1: that it is an unknown which our anxiety thrives on. 172 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 1: But it also is a little bit more than that. 173 00:10:42,679 --> 00:10:47,200 Speaker 1: Social judgment holds a lot of power because of our innate, 174 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:52,040 Speaker 1: ingrained fear of social disapproval. We don't want others not 175 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,480 Speaker 1: to like us. We don't want them to think that 176 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,440 Speaker 1: there's something wrong with us. We don't want them to 177 00:10:57,520 --> 00:11:00,320 Speaker 1: walk away from meeting us or hanging out out and 178 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,600 Speaker 1: go and say terrible things that might ruin our reputation 179 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,800 Speaker 1: or destroy certain relationships. This is really the case for 180 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,840 Speaker 1: a few reasons. Firstly, we kind of fear other's opinions 181 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: out of a need to protect our self esteem and 182 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,240 Speaker 1: to continue to validate ourselves. We don't want people not 183 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: to like us because that might hurt our sense of 184 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,800 Speaker 1: self worth. I think we all know what it's like 185 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:29,160 Speaker 1: to be confronted with an ugly truth about what someone 186 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,440 Speaker 1: else really thinks about us. If it's a former friend 187 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:37,120 Speaker 1: calling you cringe an x, thinking that you're lame or unattractive, 188 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,560 Speaker 1: you know, some aurshole on the internet, from school, whatever. 189 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,920 Speaker 1: When someone makes a snig comment about your looks, about 190 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 1: any feature of you, that really hurts. And we want 191 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:51,160 Speaker 1: to avoid that hurt and we want to avoid the 192 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: damage that it does to our self esteem, So we 193 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,080 Speaker 1: begin to fear those judgments as a way to avoid them. 194 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:00,960 Speaker 1: But let's dissect that even further. If someone doesn't like you, 195 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,760 Speaker 1: then what well for our anxious mind. If people don't 196 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 1: like us, they think we're unattractive, annoying, whatever. Your primary 197 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:15,120 Speaker 1: insecurity is around being perceived, we worry that as a 198 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:21,280 Speaker 1: secondary consequence of that, we will lose really valuable relationships 199 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,920 Speaker 1: or opportunities for connection. That's a really primal instinct you 200 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,640 Speaker 1: have going on there. You don't want to be left 201 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,560 Speaker 1: out of the group. You want to avoid isolation and 202 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: loneliness at all costs, because our ancient brain knows that 203 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:38,200 Speaker 1: could harm us in the long run. Basically, this is 204 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,600 Speaker 1: our fear of rejection kind of working in tandem with 205 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:47,160 Speaker 1: our desire for social acceptance and belonging. But actually that 206 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:51,160 Speaker 1: ends up driving a wedge between us and other people anyways, 207 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:56,240 Speaker 1: because we end up, you know, letting this fear drive 208 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 1: us to self isolate, drive us to not put ourselves 209 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,800 Speaker 1: out there, to not really connect with people, Which means 210 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 1: that although our fear of being perceived might in our 211 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:11,920 Speaker 1: brains be protecting us from being embarrassed, from being excluded, 212 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:17,280 Speaker 1: from being teased or mocked, and therefore protect our social relationships, 213 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:22,760 Speaker 1: actually it's having the counter effect, and it's meaning that 214 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,679 Speaker 1: we tend to close ourselves off from those opportunities anyways. 215 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: It's like, if you begin to expect that people won't 216 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 1: like you or will immediately think the worst of you, 217 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:37,000 Speaker 1: why give them the power to even do that when 218 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:39,560 Speaker 1: you can stop that from happening in the first place 219 00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:43,120 Speaker 1: by never showing up. You can't be perceived if you're 220 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,959 Speaker 1: not present. And so we tend to reduce our anxiety 221 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:51,040 Speaker 1: and our fear by reducing exposure to the trigger, which 222 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,199 Speaker 1: is other people or situations where we think we might 223 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,320 Speaker 1: be uncomfortable. I think we know all too well that 224 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:02,000 Speaker 1: this avoidance typically backfires, as avoidance always does when it 225 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 1: comes to phobic behavior or anxiety. The less exposure you have, 226 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: the more power your fear has, because it begins to 227 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,280 Speaker 1: make everything seem worse in your brain and you have 228 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:18,520 Speaker 1: no lived experience to prove otherwise. Like in this example, right, 229 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,360 Speaker 1: you believe that if people could perceive you, they would 230 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,520 Speaker 1: say something mean or cruel, or would think that you 231 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,720 Speaker 1: were embarrassing, and that would result in them not liking you, 232 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,720 Speaker 1: bowd mouthing you, having a negative judgment. The outcome of 233 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 1: that is super scary. You can't handle that possibility, and 234 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 1: so you never let it be the case. But in 235 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,160 Speaker 1: your efforts to reduce your anxiety, which is a totally 236 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: natural thing to do, because anxiety obviously makes us uncomfortable, 237 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:54,280 Speaker 1: we actually never question or give ourselves the opportunity to 238 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:59,480 Speaker 1: disprove this irrational hypothetical. Worse than that, we never give 239 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 1: ourselves the opportunity to prove to ourselves that we are 240 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,920 Speaker 1: capable of feeling judged and pushing forwards anyway. We never 241 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,760 Speaker 1: get to prove to ourselves that we are bigger than 242 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,560 Speaker 1: what someone may or may not think. We can experience 243 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,880 Speaker 1: our worst fear and we can survive it, and we 244 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:21,240 Speaker 1: cannot just survive, but it can fuel us, and it 245 00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: can make us bigger and better, and in some ways 246 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:28,400 Speaker 1: it actually reduces the initial fear that we had. So 247 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: what are the consequences of this? Well, I've kind of 248 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 1: seen it in myself, to be honest, in the past, 249 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:38,440 Speaker 1: I remember self abandoning a lot, denying my true self 250 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:42,360 Speaker 1: kind of the opportunity to be vibrant and present, because 251 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:46,280 Speaker 1: the fear was louder than my impulse to express myself 252 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: and made me very very small and very very sad. 253 00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: At first. I remember this very clearly, like I'd be 254 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:57,360 Speaker 1: really excited to i don't know, post a picture online, 255 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 1: or to express my opinion, or go to this party 256 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: and talk to people, or even just like create something 257 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:07,480 Speaker 1: cool and interesting and share it, and then this fear 258 00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:11,560 Speaker 1: would infiltrate and make all those positive feelings and all 259 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:14,640 Speaker 1: that anticipation it would wilt it. It would make it 260 00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:17,760 Speaker 1: really really small, and you push down the parts of 261 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,480 Speaker 1: you that you think are too much or that stick 262 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: out a little bit too much. You avoid situations that 263 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:27,960 Speaker 1: you probably would have enjoyed, and you deny yourself opportunities 264 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,960 Speaker 1: because a lot of opportunities do come with perception. The 265 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:38,400 Speaker 1: more successful you become. The more passionate you become, more 266 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,360 Speaker 1: people begin to notice you. And of course, if you 267 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:45,400 Speaker 1: can't handle that perception, whyever put yourself in a position 268 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: where you could be praised or you could be seen. 269 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: I think simply put the desire to fit in and 270 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:57,680 Speaker 1: the paralyzing fear of being disliked. It undermines our ability 271 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,479 Speaker 1: to pursue the lives who want to create. The hypothetical 272 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:04,840 Speaker 1: views of people you don't even care about, let alone know, 273 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:10,120 Speaker 1: take on more power than our own intentions and our 274 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 1: own dreams. It's really interesting because, as one person put 275 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,720 Speaker 1: it to me, it's kind of like you put a 276 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 1: wall between you and the world, and you both resent 277 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: that wall, but you also rely on it at the 278 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:28,680 Speaker 1: same time. At an extreme, our fear of being perceived 279 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:33,399 Speaker 1: can cause us to panic and experienced heightened levels of 280 00:17:33,440 --> 00:17:40,359 Speaker 1: social anxiety, terror, dread, shortness of breath, shaking, the urge 281 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:43,199 Speaker 1: to go and hide, you know. And it's often in 282 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,720 Speaker 1: response to specific situations like being introduced to people, being 283 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,040 Speaker 1: in large group settings where you feel like you're one out, 284 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,520 Speaker 1: being the center of attention. So a question I've definitely 285 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 1: asked myself, and I'm sure you may have as well. 286 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,800 Speaker 1: Why do some people have this fear and others don't? 287 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:06,800 Speaker 1: There are people who are just not afraid in the 288 00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: slightest to exist as their fullest and truer selves, and 289 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: we really admire them for that. I'm sure we always have. 290 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:19,080 Speaker 1: We all have someone in mind right now. Maybe it's 291 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,800 Speaker 1: like a pop culture figure like a Chapel Row, or 292 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:27,000 Speaker 1: like a performer or an idol of ours, or even 293 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: a friend who just seriously has no just doesn't have 294 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:36,600 Speaker 1: that war, doesn't have that war between them and the world. 295 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:40,160 Speaker 1: So why exactly is it the case that we do? 296 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,359 Speaker 1: Where does this fear, Where does this worry of being 297 00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:51,879 Speaker 1: perceived truly come from? Firstly, our fear of being perceived 298 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,600 Speaker 1: is really closely linked to, of course, social anxiety and 299 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,200 Speaker 1: anxiety in general, as most social and specific phobias are. 300 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,720 Speaker 1: What I really want people to know is that social 301 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:06,760 Speaker 1: anxiety is more than just shyness, It's more than just introversion. 302 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: It's actually a complex difference in how our brains are 303 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:15,960 Speaker 1: reacting to our environment, including social interactions, and specifically how 304 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: they're wired to absorb this information and the meaning that 305 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,119 Speaker 1: they apply to it. Mainly, social anxiety and with its 306 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:27,199 Speaker 1: Scopophobia is attributed to a dysfunction in the hippocampus, the amygdala, 307 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,440 Speaker 1: and the areas of our brain that process emotion, meaning 308 00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,840 Speaker 1: that there is a lot more activity in those specific regions, 309 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 1: making us feel more attuned to small moments, small cues 310 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:44,240 Speaker 1: that that are kind of seen through like a fearful lens. 311 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,720 Speaker 1: That's the easiest way to put it. There are a 312 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:51,639 Speaker 1: lot of neural mechanisms that are simply different between people 313 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 1: with social anxiety and people with scripophobia and people without it, 314 00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:02,960 Speaker 1: and those neural mechanisms are caused by both genetics and 315 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,240 Speaker 1: our environment. But I think it's important that we acknowledge 316 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:09,720 Speaker 1: the neural and biological mechanisms controlling this fear at the 317 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:14,080 Speaker 1: very top of this, because especially when maybe we encounter 318 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: someone who just doesn't quite understand where our fear comes from, 319 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:20,800 Speaker 1: they really need to know, and I hope that they 320 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,639 Speaker 1: do know that a lot of it is not really 321 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: within our choice. It's not something that we have opted into. Actually, 322 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,399 Speaker 1: it's the way that we are built. It's why we 323 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:36,240 Speaker 1: also kind of see people who care so little about others' 324 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: opinions and they possess zero self awareness because they don't 325 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:45,120 Speaker 1: have that same neural makeup and that those same kind 326 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:49,400 Speaker 1: of cross activations between different regions of their brains. That mean, 327 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: when they see a social situation, when they see the 328 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 1: potential for being judged, their fear centers kind of light up. 329 00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:59,359 Speaker 1: They are hyper aware there is none of that going on. 330 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,600 Speaker 1: And it's kind of like the opposite side of the 331 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,719 Speaker 1: coin here, like it's equally as confronting to see someone 332 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:13,040 Speaker 1: who genuinely doesn't care to a fault. But scopophobia can 333 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:17,439 Speaker 1: also arise from something really upsetting or traumatic that has 334 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,919 Speaker 1: happened at some point in your life, especially during childhood, 335 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:27,919 Speaker 1: especially around bullying, exclusion, isolation, public humiliation. Those events and 336 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:33,520 Speaker 1: situations can be actually quite shocking and very intense, and 337 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:37,280 Speaker 1: so they leave a lifelong imprint and they cause behavioral 338 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:41,119 Speaker 1: and emotional changes. Actually, in some forty to sixty percent 339 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:45,600 Speaker 1: of cases of scopophobia, people are able to trace their 340 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:50,639 Speaker 1: fear back to a catalyst event or a specific time 341 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:53,959 Speaker 1: in their lives when they were really going through it, 342 00:21:54,000 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: when they were really socially ostracized or isolated. Situations can 343 00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 1: make us increasingly hyper aware, firstly of how others see us, 344 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:10,240 Speaker 1: because we're trying to anticipate a situation where our biggest 345 00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,879 Speaker 1: fears could be realized. Again, we already know what this 346 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,680 Speaker 1: feels like. We didn't like it, and so we try 347 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:20,399 Speaker 1: and avoid anything that reminds us of a previous time 348 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: when we were judged, when we were bullied, when we 349 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,240 Speaker 1: were excluded. And I do want to highlight bullying as 350 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,560 Speaker 1: an example here because it's definitely one that resonates with 351 00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,680 Speaker 1: me a lot, as like a kid who was bullied. 352 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:35,119 Speaker 1: I know, I always say that I think children like 353 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: that actually end up becoming quite interesting people because they 354 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:42,200 Speaker 1: learn to not I guess, not rely on the external 355 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 1: validation of others. But it can also make us go 356 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:50,840 Speaker 1: the complete opposite way, where that external validation of others 357 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,879 Speaker 1: becomes all we can think about. If you went through 358 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,080 Speaker 1: childhood knowing what it felt like to be teased constantly, 359 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: to have those whispers kind of follow you around on 360 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:04,760 Speaker 1: in person, and then you tried your hardest to avoid 361 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,600 Speaker 1: that experience by wearing the clothes that made you fit in, 362 00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:10,840 Speaker 1: by staying out of the way, by appeasing your bullies, 363 00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: and still finding that you couldn't escape it. That pain 364 00:23:17,359 --> 00:23:20,680 Speaker 1: is not something that you easily forget, and so even 365 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 1: as you age, it doesn't go away. Memories like that 366 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,879 Speaker 1: are interesting because from an evolutionary perspective, they're meant to 367 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 1: help us, but they also contribute to trauma and PTSD, 368 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:35,320 Speaker 1: and in a paper published in twenty eleven, research has 369 00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:40,680 Speaker 1: showed that harmful painful memories typically actually have greater recall 370 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: than positive memories from around the same time. So it's 371 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: not like you can just forget and move on. That's 372 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:50,160 Speaker 1: like saying, oh, can you please forget what your best 373 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,680 Speaker 1: friend's name is? Can you forget what your first day 374 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:55,520 Speaker 1: of school was like? Can you forget your graduation? Can 375 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,440 Speaker 1: you forget the many times that you didn't feel like 376 00:23:57,480 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 1: you belong? Can you forget the way that people's judge 377 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,000 Speaker 1: made you feel? Of course we can't. It's ingrained in us. 378 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:08,120 Speaker 1: It's a permanent kind of fixture of our past and 379 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 1: in some ways, of our identity. The behaviors surrounding our 380 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:18,439 Speaker 1: fear of being perceived, scrutinized, judged are actually based on 381 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 1: this understanding. They become defensive based on previous experiences. The 382 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:26,359 Speaker 1: possibility of going through that situation once more is so 383 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,840 Speaker 1: confronting that we learn what we need to do to 384 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:32,399 Speaker 1: avoid it from happening, and often how we avoid it 385 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: from happening is to just avoid social situations. We've kind 386 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: of already talked about how that can sustain this fear 387 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 1: of being perceived even longer. But you know, if it's 388 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,600 Speaker 1: all you're trying to do to survive, if it makes 389 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,800 Speaker 1: you feel better in the moment, sometimes it's hard not 390 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,080 Speaker 1: to do those things. It's hard not to you know, 391 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:00,920 Speaker 1: both deeply crave social approval and also be deeply terrified 392 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: of it. I hope that explanation makes some sense. I 393 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 1: also read a really fascinating article from disability rights activist 394 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:11,879 Speaker 1: that people with physical disabilities are also more likely to 395 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 1: have a deep rooted fear of being perceived because of 396 00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:19,680 Speaker 1: again past experiences of being mocked, being pointed at, feeling 397 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,720 Speaker 1: those eyes on them in public wherever they go, that 398 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:27,080 Speaker 1: constant recognition that you're being watched or that people have 399 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,520 Speaker 1: these private thoughts about you. I just that would be 400 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,040 Speaker 1: so much to manage. It would just be exhausting and 401 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,480 Speaker 1: very very loud. The final thing that we have to 402 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:43,960 Speaker 1: briefly discuss here is actually perfectionism, which you may be 403 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,520 Speaker 1: surprised to hear it come up in this kind of episode. 404 00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,160 Speaker 1: But what we know about the fear of being perceived 405 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,719 Speaker 1: and what we know about perfectionism actually confirms that they 406 00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 1: are related in some very intuitive ways. Perfectionist set extremely 407 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:04,439 Speaker 1: high standards for themselves, and they are often preoccupied with 408 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: avoiding mistakes, either social in nature, maybe academic, whatever it 409 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,200 Speaker 1: is that they are primarily fixated on. But this also 410 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:19,080 Speaker 1: causes them to become quite obsessed by flaws or imperfections 411 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,640 Speaker 1: that they believe will be noticed and criticized by others. 412 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:27,680 Speaker 1: The desire to appear perfect can create a very intense 413 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:32,600 Speaker 1: anxiety about being in the spotlight, even if being in 414 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,359 Speaker 1: the spotlight is just being around other people, feeling like 415 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:40,320 Speaker 1: their eyes are on you, feeling like you have their attention, 416 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:44,919 Speaker 1: feeling like they are going to find that thing that 417 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:49,320 Speaker 1: you already know is wrong with you. Actually, this really 418 00:26:49,359 --> 00:26:53,439 Speaker 1: interesting article published in Psychology Today, which I feel like 419 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,560 Speaker 1: by now you guys know, is my favorite place for 420 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,000 Speaker 1: sources on this. Actually it was published earlier this year, 421 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: and it he notes that a fear of judgment or 422 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:06,199 Speaker 1: disapproval from others is actually the primary contributing factor to 423 00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:10,120 Speaker 1: people managing perfectionism and it's also one of the primary 424 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: contributing factors to people with scopophobia. So in terms of, 425 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 1: like if you were to make an organizational chart or 426 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:22,080 Speaker 1: I guess, like a way of categorizing different things that 427 00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:25,440 Speaker 1: we can be going through mentally, different fears, different conditions, 428 00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:31,640 Speaker 1: different whatever. Scopophobia and perfectionism and a fear of judgment, 429 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:36,080 Speaker 1: all of those three things sit very very closely together. 430 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:41,400 Speaker 1: They're probably only delineated by like a few percentiles. Let's 431 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:43,880 Speaker 1: take a step back, though, because we've kind of been 432 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:48,679 Speaker 1: circling around this question for the entire episode. But why 433 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:53,639 Speaker 1: does it even really matter? Why do people's opinions really matter? 434 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,560 Speaker 1: And I know we talked about social disapproval, I know, 435 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,879 Speaker 1: we talked about belonging. I know we talked about perfectionism, 436 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:03,600 Speaker 1: about rejection, But truly, how life changing is the opinion 437 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:06,880 Speaker 1: of someone we may never speak to again. How life 438 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,359 Speaker 1: changing is that? What does that really have to do 439 00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,680 Speaker 1: with us? How is that really going to hurt us? 440 00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,920 Speaker 1: What is it about those judgments that feel so important 441 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,560 Speaker 1: to us? Because you know, if you wouldn't invite someone 442 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:21,600 Speaker 1: into your house, why do we let them into our head? 443 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,159 Speaker 1: The burden of this sphere is kind of thrust so 444 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:29,880 Speaker 1: heavily onto us. Whilst the people who you know are 445 00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:32,600 Speaker 1: judging us, maybe not judging us, they kind of just 446 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: get to go along their merry way. They never know 447 00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:38,200 Speaker 1: what we're feeling, what we're changing, how we're hiding to 448 00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:42,320 Speaker 1: be less seen. And it's costing you your life. And 449 00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:44,960 Speaker 1: when I say your life, I mean it's costing you 450 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 1: your freedom, your potential, it's costing you joy, relationships, opportunities, 451 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,560 Speaker 1: even if it's not something that you're consciously choosing. So 452 00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 1: what we really need to discuss is how we can 453 00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,200 Speaker 1: break through that wall that is keeping us separated. I'm 454 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:05,360 Speaker 1: a confident, self assured, liberated life where the opinions of 455 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:07,560 Speaker 1: others kind of glide off us. They don't take up 456 00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: as much mental real estate. And I really want to 457 00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,280 Speaker 1: help you with that. So I'm going to give you 458 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,600 Speaker 1: three powerful exercises and mental shifts that you can try 459 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:22,160 Speaker 1: today to overcome your fear of being perceived. After this shortbreak, 460 00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:30,480 Speaker 1: stay with us. Our fear of being perceived is built 461 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:35,560 Speaker 1: on a foundation of irrational thoughts. As most anxious patterns are. 462 00:29:36,040 --> 00:29:39,920 Speaker 1: The irrational thoughts associated with our scopophobia sound like this, 463 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:45,280 Speaker 1: Everyone is constantly judging me. People will remember every awkward 464 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:48,200 Speaker 1: thing that I do. If they don't like me, my 465 00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,720 Speaker 1: life is over. If they don't think I'm funny, charming, 466 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:55,160 Speaker 1: good looking, they'll tell everyone and I'll lose all my friends. 467 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,520 Speaker 1: If these people at the party judge me, no one 468 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: will speak to me anymore. These beliefs have probably helped 469 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,800 Speaker 1: you in the past stay away from situations that you 470 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:11,320 Speaker 1: thought were threatening or made you uncomfortable. But now they're 471 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: just not useful anymore. And you know that because you're 472 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: listening to this episode. The easiest way to deal with 473 00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:22,560 Speaker 1: anxious thoughts like these is not to try and suppress them, 474 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:26,200 Speaker 1: ignore them, or even overthink your way out of them. 475 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,600 Speaker 1: It's to play the game, the game of hypothetical that 476 00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:34,120 Speaker 1: your anxiety is so great at every time you think 477 00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,400 Speaker 1: that someone is judging you tell yourself that they are 478 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:41,400 Speaker 1: actually admiring you, because why can't that be the case? 479 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:45,960 Speaker 1: What makes either of those scenarios more likely than the other. 480 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:50,680 Speaker 1: The fear based scenario feels more likely because we're used 481 00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,800 Speaker 1: to thinking that it's true. But is it? You know? 482 00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,040 Speaker 1: You might think, well, based on past experiences, it is, 483 00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,760 Speaker 1: But how many more times have people been able to 484 00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,240 Speaker 1: perceive you and really loved your outfit or thought that 485 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:07,880 Speaker 1: you were really interesting, or loved your smile and just 486 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 1: not said anything. How many more times have people just 487 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:15,080 Speaker 1: not noticed you at all, never thought about you again, 488 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 1: the same way that you have noticed people or not 489 00:31:18,320 --> 00:31:22,160 Speaker 1: noticed people and never thought about them again. There is 490 00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:26,640 Speaker 1: this idea in psychology that we pay more attention to 491 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:31,320 Speaker 1: the situations that already confirm bias. For us, the bias 492 00:31:31,320 --> 00:31:34,600 Speaker 1: and this situation is everyone is judging me, but it 493 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,760 Speaker 1: actually means that we don't see the full spectrum of 494 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:40,000 Speaker 1: all the other times, and that hasn't been the case. 495 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:44,400 Speaker 1: It doesn't matter you know whether that person is judging 496 00:31:44,440 --> 00:31:47,320 Speaker 1: you or not. If you get into the habit of 497 00:31:47,440 --> 00:31:49,880 Speaker 1: playing mind games. With your mind games, it can be 498 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:53,120 Speaker 1: as simple as hearing that thought pop up, visualizing it 499 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:56,640 Speaker 1: and having a laugh at yourself, like that's so funny, 500 00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:58,960 Speaker 1: What a funny piece of false news. My brain is 501 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,840 Speaker 1: trying to tell me. I have no evidence to suggest 502 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:04,520 Speaker 1: that in this moment that person is judging me more 503 00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: than they are admiring me, more than they think that 504 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,880 Speaker 1: I am cool or funny or lovely. So that is 505 00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:14,239 Speaker 1: our first mental shift recognizing that you may think you 506 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:17,120 Speaker 1: know what's running through someone's head, but maybe you don't. 507 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,280 Speaker 1: And as always, quite frankly, it's none of your business. 508 00:32:21,000 --> 00:32:24,560 Speaker 1: That's their problem. And what kind of a sad, frustrating 509 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,200 Speaker 1: life it would be if this person were to be 510 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,640 Speaker 1: judging you, not really knowing you, and if for their 511 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,640 Speaker 1: whole life all they do is just see the worst 512 00:32:32,640 --> 00:32:36,200 Speaker 1: in someone, If that is what that person's reality is, 513 00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:42,840 Speaker 1: how miserable would that be? How just plain dark to 514 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,000 Speaker 1: see someone existing and to just have your mind immediately 515 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:50,320 Speaker 1: find something to scrutinize. What I'm trying to get at 516 00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,120 Speaker 1: is that it says a lot more about them, and 517 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,280 Speaker 1: they have a lot of bigger things to worry about 518 00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:57,840 Speaker 1: than what you may or may not be doing, because 519 00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:02,880 Speaker 1: their their head is probably a really dark, insecure place, 520 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:06,960 Speaker 1: and what a sad reality for them. I also find 521 00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 1: it useful, if I'm still being met with the persistent 522 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,600 Speaker 1: thought that they're judging me, that they don't like me, 523 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 1: to instead give that to just kind of look at 524 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:23,120 Speaker 1: that hypothetical assessment and instead of being like, I'm going 525 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:29,600 Speaker 1: to internalize their potential hatred of me, their potential disgust 526 00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:32,520 Speaker 1: or embarrassment of me. I'm going to assume that that's 527 00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:36,280 Speaker 1: what they're feeling and that's fine, and then I'm just 528 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:40,240 Speaker 1: going to flood them with unconditional love. In my mind, 529 00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: I'm going to look at this person, I'm going to 530 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,560 Speaker 1: perceive think about this person, and I'm just going to 531 00:33:46,720 --> 00:33:52,600 Speaker 1: imagine just shooting, like just literally covering them in this 532 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:57,239 Speaker 1: big blanket of empathy and love from me. And it 533 00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:00,160 Speaker 1: really does help you be like, I don't know, I 534 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:02,840 Speaker 1: guess in my mind, I'm just like, it helps you 535 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 1: see that this person might be thinking the worst in 536 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:10,960 Speaker 1: you and still going beyond not caring, being so defiant, 537 00:34:11,360 --> 00:34:14,880 Speaker 1: that you still decide to give them love, and you 538 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,960 Speaker 1: still decide to give them empathy for what they're going through. 539 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,200 Speaker 1: And that act of being the bigger person makes you 540 00:34:23,480 --> 00:34:27,400 Speaker 1: realize that this person is not inherently better than you, 541 00:34:27,719 --> 00:34:32,480 Speaker 1: not inherently doesn't inherently know more than you, their opinion 542 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:36,680 Speaker 1: doesn't inherently mean more than yours because you're still here 543 00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:42,160 Speaker 1: showing this great generous gift of loving them, despite the 544 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:45,360 Speaker 1: fact that they could be really cruel to you in 545 00:34:45,400 --> 00:34:49,240 Speaker 1: their mind. If that isn't working, I have another mental 546 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:53,120 Speaker 1: shift of view, and it's called the yes and shift, 547 00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:56,839 Speaker 1: and no it's not the Arianagrande song, but honestly, it's 548 00:34:56,880 --> 00:35:00,200 Speaker 1: kind of a similar theme. The thing about anxious thought 549 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:03,600 Speaker 1: is that they feel quite real because they are like 550 00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:08,879 Speaker 1: almost identical to a real fear, but they're incomplete, they 551 00:35:08,920 --> 00:35:12,640 Speaker 1: aren't fully formed, and that's what causes them to feel 552 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:17,040 Speaker 1: so scary. This is the example I always give. It's 553 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,960 Speaker 1: like if you were to walk into a house and 554 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,640 Speaker 1: it looks like a house from the outside, but the 555 00:35:22,719 --> 00:35:26,040 Speaker 1: kitchen and the bedroom had no walls. You'd feel really 556 00:35:26,160 --> 00:35:29,160 Speaker 1: exposed in a house like that. And the same goes 557 00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:32,360 Speaker 1: for an anxious thought. When you walk into an anxious 558 00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:36,240 Speaker 1: thought and it's not entirely complete or real, you feel 559 00:35:36,280 --> 00:35:40,480 Speaker 1: exposed to the possibilities that could fill those gaps, like 560 00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:45,520 Speaker 1: being ostracized, being criticized. Here's how we overcome that. We 561 00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,480 Speaker 1: overcome that by filling in those gaps ourselves before we 562 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:52,959 Speaker 1: let our anxiety do it for us, using our yes 563 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:55,680 Speaker 1: and method. So, say you're at a party and you 564 00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,840 Speaker 1: think someone is smirking at you or your behavior, or 565 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:01,120 Speaker 1: cringing at you talking to their friends about you. In 566 00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:03,840 Speaker 1: your brain, everything is probably a light and alive and 567 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,960 Speaker 1: rushing and scary and freaky, and you're probably thinking, they 568 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:10,359 Speaker 1: don't like me. Now, what I want you to do 569 00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:13,000 Speaker 1: here is except that, yeah, maybe they don't like you. 570 00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:15,880 Speaker 1: And then I want you to add an end onto 571 00:36:15,920 --> 00:36:20,800 Speaker 1: that sentence, they don't like me, and I'll be okay anyways. 572 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,920 Speaker 1: They don't like me, and I know my friends love me, 573 00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:27,759 Speaker 1: so I'm not too fussed by that they don't like me, 574 00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:32,320 Speaker 1: and I'll never see them again, so really that's fine 575 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 1: by me. Don't let your fear grab onto that emptiness, 576 00:36:38,360 --> 00:36:43,239 Speaker 1: that unknown space, that uncertainty, and spiral, because if you 577 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:46,400 Speaker 1: let your fear take over the end, it will sound 578 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:48,880 Speaker 1: something like they don't like me, and that means that 579 00:36:48,960 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 1: everyone at this party doesn't like me, and that means 580 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:54,680 Speaker 1: that maybe I should leave. So you kind of get 581 00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:57,399 Speaker 1: where that ends up taking you. It takes you into 582 00:36:57,440 --> 00:37:00,719 Speaker 1: a place of withdrawal and isolation. Mean you never face 583 00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,120 Speaker 1: the fear. But what we really need to do is 584 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:06,520 Speaker 1: condition our mind to make peace with our fear of 585 00:37:06,560 --> 00:37:10,400 Speaker 1: being perceived by replacing the worst case scenario that we 586 00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:15,400 Speaker 1: so quickly jump to with a reaffirming statement or conclusion 587 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:19,719 Speaker 1: that really builds us up that decenters the opinion of 588 00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,839 Speaker 1: this other person, and that makes us feel confident in 589 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:28,360 Speaker 1: whatever circumstance is about to occur. Our final mental shift 590 00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:31,120 Speaker 1: that we're going to discuss, I've come to call the 591 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:35,800 Speaker 1: mastery shift, and it's based on principles of exposure therapy 592 00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:40,920 Speaker 1: that are very often used to desensitize people with phobia 593 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:42,640 Speaker 1: from their fears, and it's used for things like a 594 00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:45,440 Speaker 1: fear of snakes, a fear of planes, fear of bees, 595 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,719 Speaker 1: and we can use it for a fear of being perceived. 596 00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:52,000 Speaker 1: So this is what I want you to do. I 597 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:55,399 Speaker 1: want you to make a list of ten things that 598 00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:59,720 Speaker 1: your fear of being perceived is preventing you from doing. 599 00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,560 Speaker 1: And I want you to order that list from the 600 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:05,400 Speaker 1: thing that you are most afraid to do, that you 601 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:09,200 Speaker 1: cannot even imagine doing in a million years, to the 602 00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:13,040 Speaker 1: thing you feel a little bit worried about but you 603 00:38:13,080 --> 00:38:17,080 Speaker 1: could try tomorrow with enough support, with enough affirmations, with 604 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:20,120 Speaker 1: a really good dose of confidence. So I'll give you 605 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:22,880 Speaker 1: some examples of what could be on that list, Starting 606 00:38:22,920 --> 00:38:26,760 Speaker 1: really small. It could be recording like a short video 607 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:30,439 Speaker 1: of yourself talking about a topic and watching it back. 608 00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:32,680 Speaker 1: It could be posting something you really want to post 609 00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,240 Speaker 1: on social media on a private account, Wearing an outfit 610 00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,719 Speaker 1: that's bright or more out there than usual on public transport, 611 00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:42,480 Speaker 1: wearing something that you know that you're shy to wear, 612 00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:45,800 Speaker 1: Offering to give a small speech at a friend's birthday, 613 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:48,040 Speaker 1: planning an event where you're going to be the center 614 00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:51,480 Speaker 1: of attention, like a birthday party, going up to a 615 00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:55,160 Speaker 1: group at a party who you don't know, and introducing yourself, 616 00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:59,360 Speaker 1: doing a huge presentation at work. What we want to 617 00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:03,000 Speaker 1: do is to small start with those really small things, 618 00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:07,040 Speaker 1: like posting something on a private Instagram, even if it's 619 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:10,319 Speaker 1: like for twenty four hours, post a story, post a 620 00:39:10,320 --> 00:39:13,200 Speaker 1: story to your close friends, just something really really small. 621 00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:15,919 Speaker 1: Wear that outfit where like the thing that you would 622 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:20,279 Speaker 1: never wear, and once you can get through that situation 623 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:25,759 Speaker 1: without feeling truly ghastly or anxious, you move on to 624 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:30,440 Speaker 1: the next. We want to build up your tolerance basically 625 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:35,319 Speaker 1: to being seen, maybe being heard, being watched, perhaps even 626 00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,120 Speaker 1: being judged. By showing you that a rarely is the 627 00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:42,280 Speaker 1: worst case scenario going to be the one that happens 628 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:46,600 Speaker 1: b even if it is repeat after me, you will 629 00:39:46,640 --> 00:39:52,440 Speaker 1: be okay. You will be okay, And finally, it starts 630 00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:56,160 Speaker 1: to show you the possibility of a life without the 631 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:59,359 Speaker 1: fear of being perceived being the only thing that is 632 00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:04,799 Speaker 1: motivating you. Finally, in one bonus shift that has helped 633 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,759 Speaker 1: me immenseally in the past few years. They didn't really 634 00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:10,040 Speaker 1: have a name for let's call it the ideal self 635 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:13,600 Speaker 1: to shift is really focused on tuning into what do 636 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:17,040 Speaker 1: you actually want? I think one of the consequences of 637 00:40:17,080 --> 00:40:19,480 Speaker 1: a fear of being perceived that we haven't spoken about 638 00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,719 Speaker 1: is that we are always thinking about how to be 639 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:27,160 Speaker 1: less offensive to others, what they might expect from us, 640 00:40:27,239 --> 00:40:31,440 Speaker 1: how to make us likable based on their tastes, their views, 641 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:36,080 Speaker 1: their ideals. It's hugely aligned with people pleasing, but it 642 00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:38,799 Speaker 1: also disconnects us from what we need ourselves and who 643 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:41,680 Speaker 1: we want to be because it's all about making others happy. 644 00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:46,800 Speaker 1: Deprioritize the thoughts of others, just for five minutes. What 645 00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:51,000 Speaker 1: do you think about yourself? What do you think about yourself? 646 00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 1: And is that good enough for you such that in 647 00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:58,480 Speaker 1: five years time you would be okay with still being 648 00:40:58,520 --> 00:41:04,080 Speaker 1: this version of you. I really want you to sit 649 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:07,560 Speaker 1: with that for a second. If no one else was around, 650 00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,960 Speaker 1: who would you be, would you like this version of you? 651 00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:14,360 Speaker 1: How would you dress? How would you go about your 652 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:18,640 Speaker 1: daily life? What is your potential? And what's stopping you 653 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:22,320 Speaker 1: from being those things? Right now now, I want you 654 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:25,920 Speaker 1: to think about what things you'd like to change, and 655 00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:29,560 Speaker 1: I want you to kind of decide which of those 656 00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:31,719 Speaker 1: things that you are hell bent on changing or you 657 00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:35,400 Speaker 1: think would make you happy are based on what you 658 00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,759 Speaker 1: think other people expect from you and what you need 659 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,919 Speaker 1: to change for their approval. And then I also want 660 00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:44,839 Speaker 1: you to acknowledge what you want to change because you 661 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,200 Speaker 1: want to What do you want to change for your life? 662 00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:52,640 Speaker 1: The life that is yours? And when you look at 663 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,920 Speaker 1: those two columns of things that you feel you need 664 00:41:55,920 --> 00:41:58,040 Speaker 1: to change or you need to be, and you see 665 00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,800 Speaker 1: the things that you feel you need to be for others, 666 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:01,879 Speaker 1: and you see the things that you feel the need 667 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:04,640 Speaker 1: to be and you want to be for yourself. Any 668 00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:08,800 Speaker 1: time you find yourself focusing too much on that left 669 00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:12,799 Speaker 1: hand column, I want you to shift back to the 670 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:17,000 Speaker 1: right concentrate all of your energy on that second column. 671 00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:20,360 Speaker 1: What I want for me, the life I want for me, 672 00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:24,200 Speaker 1: the person I can become with that this fear and 673 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:26,680 Speaker 1: keep it as a reminder for when you're worrying or 674 00:42:26,719 --> 00:42:30,359 Speaker 1: obsessing over what someone does or doesn't think about you. 675 00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:34,440 Speaker 1: Because you are the center of all your experiences, of 676 00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:37,960 Speaker 1: your whole universe. You're the one that matters here, and 677 00:42:38,000 --> 00:42:40,759 Speaker 1: I want you to be fiercely devoted to being your 678 00:42:40,800 --> 00:42:44,120 Speaker 1: truest self, even if it feels selfish or like you're 679 00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:48,439 Speaker 1: disappointing others. This is a muscle. Healing from our fear 680 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:52,200 Speaker 1: of being perceived is a muscle. It's a skill, and 681 00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:54,320 Speaker 1: it's one of the greatest skills we can learn because 682 00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:58,200 Speaker 1: it will transform your life. Please hear me when I 683 00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:01,160 Speaker 1: say this. It's hard, it feels on natural when you 684 00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:04,520 Speaker 1: have been in this fearful state for so long, but 685 00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:09,200 Speaker 1: just the sense of freedom that you're one day going 686 00:43:09,239 --> 00:43:12,359 Speaker 1: to have makes it so worth it. I really don't 687 00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:15,759 Speaker 1: think that you need to be this fearful for the 688 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,160 Speaker 1: rest of your life, even if you feel like right 689 00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:21,800 Speaker 1: now this fear is protecting you, or that it's useful 690 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,560 Speaker 1: or it's helpful. I think you kind of know that 691 00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,480 Speaker 1: it's no longer the case because you're here and you're 692 00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,680 Speaker 1: listening to this episode and you want to change your life, 693 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:32,920 Speaker 1: and I think that that is something that once you 694 00:43:32,960 --> 00:43:36,920 Speaker 1: are committed to, once you deprioritize the opinions of others, 695 00:43:37,320 --> 00:43:41,920 Speaker 1: once you find the mental shift, the mental game that 696 00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:45,560 Speaker 1: works for you, it all becomes possible. So thank you 697 00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:48,640 Speaker 1: so much for listening to today's episode. I do really 698 00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:51,320 Speaker 1: hope that you enjoyed it. I hope that you learned something. 699 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,839 Speaker 1: I hope that you can take something away. I hope 700 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:56,160 Speaker 1: that you can get rid of your fear of being perceived, 701 00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,799 Speaker 1: you can toss it out, that you can just look 702 00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:01,480 Speaker 1: at other people as just other people doing their own 703 00:44:01,520 --> 00:44:03,879 Speaker 1: thing the same way that you're doing your own thing, 704 00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,920 Speaker 1: and really do the things, do the adventures, do the 705 00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:12,279 Speaker 1: experiences that scare you and that have always scared you 706 00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,360 Speaker 1: because of what others might think, and hopefully now you 707 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:17,319 Speaker 1: don't care. So if there is someone that you know 708 00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:20,200 Speaker 1: who you think might need to hear this episode, please 709 00:44:20,320 --> 00:44:22,680 Speaker 1: feel free to share it with them, Share it online, 710 00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,440 Speaker 1: share it on Instagram. You can also DM me if 711 00:44:25,520 --> 00:44:30,000 Speaker 1: you have additional thoughts, feelings, I don't know, hypotheticals, you 712 00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:33,560 Speaker 1: can DM me at that psychology podcast. We're also taking 713 00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,360 Speaker 1: episode suggestions at the moment, and make sure that you 714 00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:39,920 Speaker 1: are following along on Spotify or Apple and give us 715 00:44:39,920 --> 00:44:42,960 Speaker 1: a five star review if you enjoyed this episode. Until 716 00:44:43,040 --> 00:44:46,480 Speaker 1: next time, stay gentle, be kind to yourself, and we 717 00:44:46,560 --> 00:44:48,399 Speaker 1: will be talking very very soon.