Speaker 1: Remember this criticism doesn't help change coaching does. This is
Speaker 1: probably my number one thing and it's what I experienced
Speaker 1: with my wife Radi that transformed how I felt about this.
Speaker 1: I found when I was in relationships that they'd be
Speaker 1: critical of how I spent my time. They'd be critical
Speaker 1: of whatever it may be. Radi was one of the
Speaker 1: first people that I ever met that didn't criticize me.
Speaker 1: There was coaching, there was opportunities, there was questions, there
Speaker 1: was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism. Everyone, welcome back to
Speaker 1: On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world,
Speaker 1: where you're investing in becoming happier, healthier, and more healed.
Speaker 1: I genuinely love hearing from you when I'm walking around.
Speaker 1: I just finished an event in Dallas where I was
Speaker 1: doing a corporate speaking engagement, and so many of you
Speaker 1: from the audience was saying that on Purpose is a
Speaker 1: part of your daily ritual, whether you or listening while
Speaker 1: you're in the gym, or walking your dog or your commute.
Speaker 1: It means the world to me that I get to
Speaker 1: be your workout partner, even though I don't get the
Speaker 1: benefits of the workout, but I love being your commute partner.
Speaker 1: I love being your workout partner. I love being the
Speaker 1: podcast that you're dissecting with your friends. I want to
Speaker 1: give a big shout out to everyone who's allowing me
Speaker 1: to be me and allowing me to be seen as well.
Speaker 1: When I'm sitting down with someone that people may not
Speaker 1: expect me to sit with, when I'm having conversations that
Speaker 1: people don't expect me to have, or when I'm recording
Speaker 1: an episode like one of these where I'm tackling a
Speaker 1: difficult topic. Thank you for seeing me, thank you for
Speaker 1: hearing me out. I'm so grateful to you. And today's
Speaker 1: episode is something that I've been thinking about for a
Speaker 1: long time. And what's really interesting about it is that
Speaker 1: I'm meeting so many people who keep asking me, Jay,
Speaker 1: I want to save my relationship, Jay, I want to
Speaker 1: you know, I want to stop ruining my relationship. I
Speaker 1: feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship based on my behavior,
Speaker 1: based on the way I talk to my partner, the
Speaker 1: way I talk about my partner. And we may not
Speaker 1: say I want to save my relationship or I want
Speaker 1: to stop ruining it, but I think we all recognize
Speaker 1: that we want our relationships to be better. We want
Speaker 1: our relationships to improve, and we want to be in
Speaker 1: a position where we're not feeling like we're the one
Speaker 1: taking our relationship a few steps backwards. Right, Maybe you
Speaker 1: felt before that you said something and you're like, that
Speaker 1: just set me back two years, or maybe you did
Speaker 1: something and you're like, oh, that just set us back
Speaker 1: a few months. I thought we were out of that place.
Speaker 1: I thought I was out of that place. And so
Speaker 1: today I want to give you some steps and strategies
Speaker 1: as to how we cause issues in our relationships and
Speaker 1: how we can actually better communicate them. I don't think
Speaker 1: having challenges and issues is abnormal. I would actually say
Speaker 1: that it's more normal. But I think the way we
Speaker 1: communicate them, and the way we make our partners aware,
Speaker 1: the way we carry that awareness, makes a big difference
Speaker 1: as to how that becomes an argument and a disagreement
Speaker 1: versus a healthy discussion, a debate, or a curiosity. And
Speaker 1: I think that's what I find so fascinating about relationships
Speaker 1: is that you can have the same conversation, but one
Speaker 1: can be with affection and still be assertive, and one
Speaker 1: can be full of argumentative, poorly articulated points of view.
Speaker 1: So one of the first ways that we begin to
Speaker 1: ruin relationships, and if we want to save ours, what
Speaker 1: we need to be really mindful of is don't assume
Speaker 1: someone's behavior makes them the same as someone you were
Speaker 1: with before. Often when we see similar behavior patterns, we
Speaker 1: assume that the current person is doing it for the
Speaker 1: same reasons as the person we were with before. So
Speaker 1: let's say, for example, or this person goes really quiet
Speaker 1: when you have an argument. Now, your last partner went quiet,
Speaker 1: but eventually you figured out that's because they didn't care.
Speaker 1: Now with this partner, when they go quiet, you think
Speaker 1: they must be going quiet because they don't care. Right,
Speaker 1: It's very normal as humans to draw that parallel, to
Speaker 1: connect the dots, to feel that's the pattern. Let me
Speaker 1: take another example. Maybe this partner of yours, Let's say
Speaker 1: they always forget to take the trash out, or they
Speaker 1: forget to stock up the refrigerator when they've finished something right,
Speaker 1: a daily thing that could happen. Now, your last partner
Speaker 1: did that, and what you figured out eventually is that
Speaker 1: they were not very thoughtful, that they were not conscientious.
Speaker 1: And with this partner, maybe they're busy, maybe they've just
Speaker 1: had a lot going on. Maybe they have done it
Speaker 1: before and right now they're just going through a really
Speaker 1: tough time. What I find is that when we assume,
Speaker 1: when we believe we know why our partner is acting
Speaker 1: the way they're acting, we're basing it on previous experience.
Speaker 1: Not only is this a very normal and coherent thing
Speaker 1: to do, it's expected for us to do, but it
Speaker 1: sets us up for failure because A you never get
Speaker 1: to know the intentions of the person you're currently with.
Speaker 1: B the last person is somewhat irrelevant and insignificant to
Speaker 1: this relationship, and three you stop being curious and you
Speaker 1: come to a conclusion. Whenever we stop becoming curious with
Speaker 1: our partners and we draw conclusions without information, without insight,
Speaker 1: without data, without questions, we are setting our relationship up
Speaker 1: to fail. We're going to struggle to save that kind
Speaker 1: of a relationship because we've already made our mind up
Speaker 1: as to why someone behaves the way they do. Now,
Speaker 1: let's say it is their reason. Maybe it is their
Speaker 1: reason right, Maybe that is why they are behaving that way,
Speaker 1: but it's really important to check. So in that situation,
Speaker 1: it's so important to go up to someone and say, hey,
Speaker 1: I noticed that you've done this or done this, or
Speaker 1: I've noticed that you go quiet during an argument? Can
Speaker 1: you tell me why that is?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: Notice how different that is to the question we usually ask.
Speaker 1: The question we usually ask is why do you go
Speaker 1: so quiet? You probably don't care? Right, that projection of
Speaker 1: the previous person not only is existing in our mind
Speaker 1: and our belief system, it's actually articulated them. You probably
Speaker 1: don't care. That's where you go quiet. Now what does
Speaker 1: that do? That sets off alarm bells for them? And
Speaker 1: they go, well, no, no, no, I do care. I'm not
Speaker 1: going quiet. Why would you think that? Right? And now
Speaker 1: you've started going down a route that doesn't solve the problem.
Speaker 1: The problem was they go silent. The problem wasn't that
Speaker 1: they go silent because they don't care. So saying to
Speaker 1: someone you're always so quiet, you don't care about me,
Speaker 1: versus saying to them, I noticed and observed that you
Speaker 1: often go quiet when we're having a tough discussion or
Speaker 1: having an argument. What's your reasoning? Where does that come from?
Speaker 1: Now that person may not have an answer straight away.
Speaker 1: They may not even be aware of why they go quiet.
Speaker 1: They may not even be aware that they do go
Speaker 1: quiet and This is what I find is so common
Speaker 1: in relationships that we don't have that awareness, we don't
Speaker 1: have that consciousness, and we don't recognize that. Sometimes people
Speaker 1: are so unaware of their own behavior, and we don't
Speaker 1: give them time, we don't give them space, we don't
Speaker 1: give them an opportunity to articulate that or become conscious.
Speaker 1: So they may say I don't go quiet, and we go, yes,
Speaker 1: you do. Here are three examples of when you quiet. Now,
Speaker 1: what have we're done? We've put them on the defensive.
Speaker 1: What we've done, We've made them feel inadequate, And what
Speaker 1: have we done We've made them feel like they don't
Speaker 1: know themselves. Rather than saying, well, think about it for
Speaker 1: a certain amount time, I'd love to hear how you
Speaker 1: feel you deal with arguments. Notice how different that is
Speaker 1: now when we want that immediate instant response to feel better,
Speaker 1: this is the question we have to ask ourselves. Are
Speaker 1: we trying to feel better about ourselves in the moment?
Speaker 1: Is that why we're arguing? Or are we trying to
Speaker 1: solve the root of the issue. And I find that
Speaker 1: those two questions will very quickly let you decipher whether
Speaker 1: you're going to win or whether you're going to lose.
Speaker 1: If you're trying to figure out how to solve the
Speaker 1: real problem, you are always going to win. If you're
Speaker 1: trying to feel better in the moment, you are likely
Speaker 1: to create more long term issues. Please use that check
Speaker 1: in question. My wife, Radi's cookbook is launching on February
Speaker 1: twenty seventh. It's called Joyful and will help you cook
Speaker 1: plant based dishes effortlessly. I'm so excited for her recipes
Speaker 1: to be in your hands so you can make them
Speaker 1: in your home for the people you love the most,
Speaker 1: and it would mean the.
Speaker 2: World to me.
Speaker 1: If you go to joy f U l lBook dot
Speaker 1: com to pre order now for an exclusive video and
Speaker 1: the daily wellness guide for free made by Radi. Again,
Speaker 1: that's Joyful book dot com, joy f U l lBook
Speaker 1: dot com and you get your free daily wellness guide
Speaker 1: made by now. Point number two. Don't fill in uncertainties mentally.
Speaker 1: This is often similar to the first idea, but now
Speaker 1: it's not based on someone you dated in the past.
Speaker 1: It's based on your own imagination. So don't fill in
Speaker 1: uncertainties mentally. We project our insecurities onto someone else. I'll
Speaker 1: give an example. Let's say you just got your hair done,
Speaker 1: or let's say you just tried a new hairstyle, or
Speaker 1: let's say you bought a new top or skirt, or
Speaker 1: you bought a new pair of jeans, or you bought
Speaker 1: whatever it is, right, and this applies to everyone of
Speaker 1: all genders. And you're hoping that when you walk through
Speaker 1: the door or when you're ready for date night, your
Speaker 1: partner's going to say, you look amazing, you look great. Oh,
Speaker 1: I love that new fit on you. I love that
Speaker 1: new jacket on you, and you're waiting for it, whatever
Speaker 1: it may be. You're waiting for that compliment. Now they
Speaker 1: don't say it, and in your head do you start thinking, Oh,
Speaker 1: they don't think I'm cute anymore, they're not attracted to
Speaker 1: me anymore, or maybe the hair doesn't look good. I
Speaker 1: was wrong, Oh I should have told their address. So
Speaker 1: I didn't want to try this out. Maybe they're attracted
Speaker 1: to someone else, Maybe they're not into me anymore. Right, So,
Speaker 1: what we've done is we had an expectation that we
Speaker 1: never communicated based on something that we thought about. We
Speaker 1: now when that expectation is not met, we are filling
Speaker 1: that space between our expectation and what we received with
Speaker 1: mental chatter based on our insecurities. There is no fact there,
Speaker 1: there is no checking there again, and what does that do.
Speaker 1: It starts to paint a narrative about your relationship that
Speaker 1: is only based on your imagination, your opinion. So you're
Speaker 1: now painting a whole narrative about how someone feels about
Speaker 1: you without even knowing anything, based on a inaction. The
Speaker 1: idea is they didn't say anything and that has made
Speaker 1: you think something. Notice how we wouldn't allow that to
Speaker 1: happen to our friend. If our friend did that, we'd say,
Speaker 1: well that you don't know if that's true, Like, hey,
Speaker 1: your hair does look good, and you know, hey, I
Speaker 1: didn't even notice that you had your head done right.
Speaker 1: I've got so much going on. Maybe they missed out.
Speaker 1: But when it comes to our own lives, we just assume.
Speaker 1: And by the way, we do this in multiple relationships,
Speaker 1: not just romantic ones. At work, your boss doesn't say
Speaker 1: you did well at work, straight away, we're like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not getting promoted, I'm getting fired. Right, they didn't
Speaker 1: talk about me at lunch. I saw them talk about
Speaker 1: someone else. And all of a sudden, we're assuming, and
Speaker 1: we're filling the gaps in with our own mental insecurity
Speaker 1: and mental chatter. So all of that being said, what
Speaker 1: do we do. Imagine you sat down with your partner
Speaker 1: and said to them in the car. Usually what happens
Speaker 1: in the car is you're then silent with them because
Speaker 1: they didn't say anything. You're upset with them. They're wondering
Speaker 1: what's going on with you? And they're like, hey, I
Speaker 1: thought we were excited about tonight. What's going on? And
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, nothing, it doesn't matter. And they're like, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: tell me what happened. And you're like, oh, it doesn't matter.
Speaker 1: And then you're like, god, you just never noticed me anymore.
Speaker 1: I feel like you don't love me anymore. Right, you
Speaker 1: make a statement that is so overarching that then they go, no,
Speaker 1: of course I love you. I think you're beautiful, and
Speaker 1: they're like when Then you're like, well, why didn't you
Speaker 1: tell me? Then? Right now, the conversation sounds irrational. You know,
Speaker 1: you sound irrational, but you got to stick to it, right,
Speaker 1: You got to stick to your irrationality because you've gone
Speaker 1: down that road. Now, let's talk about how that conversation
Speaker 1: could have been handled differently. Maybe you say to them, hey,
Speaker 1: I want to share with you. And this is a
Speaker 1: tool that I love in coaching and it also comes
Speaker 1: up in therapy is talking to someone about the expectation
Speaker 1: you had and how you feel. So saying to your partner, hey,
Speaker 1: so I came down with the expectation that I felt
Speaker 1: like I looked great and I wanted to do that
Speaker 1: for you. And when you didn't tell me that I
Speaker 1: looked beautiful, I felt like maybe you didn't like what
Speaker 1: I was wearing, and I just wanted to hear how
Speaker 1: you felt about it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts.
Speaker 1: And then your party gets to say, you know what, actually,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I've just had so much on a
Speaker 1: work right now at a really crazy day. I'm really
Speaker 1: excited for date night, but I wasn't in the zone.
Speaker 1: Or they get to say, hey, you know what, actually
Speaker 1: I'm not sure I loved that jacket, but I love
Speaker 1: it for you. And now you've got to realize that
Speaker 1: that's what a good, healthy conversation looks like. Right. You
Speaker 1: don't want your partner to lie to you and say
Speaker 1: that they love your new hair or love whatever it is,
Speaker 1: just to make you feel better. But sometimes we pressurize
Speaker 1: our partners, and we pressurize the people in our lives
Speaker 1: to tell us they love everything we do because we're
Speaker 1: not open to that feedback. We're not opening curious to
Speaker 1: what they actually think. So I want you to again
Speaker 1: check check before you fill the gaps with your insecurities. Now,
Speaker 1: point number three, how do you save any relationship and
Speaker 1: stop ruining it based on your past. One of the
Speaker 1: biggest mistakes we make, or the way we ruin relationships
Speaker 1: is we all have a long list of needs. They
Speaker 1: may be compliments, It may be reassurance. It may be
Speaker 1: advice on our new startup. It may be investment advice,
Speaker 1: maybe money advice. It may be advice on dealing with
Speaker 1: our parents. Often, the way I see it is, especially
Speaker 1: when I'm coaching clients and working with people, a lot
Speaker 1: of people want their partner to be their therapist, their coach,
Speaker 1: their business partner, and their friend. Sometimes even their mom
Speaker 1: and their dad. Right, a lot of us want our
Speaker 1: partners to be our therapists, our coaches, our business partners,
Speaker 1: our friends, and potentially even act like our parents.
Speaker 2: Sometimes. Now, what does that do?
Speaker 1: First of all, no one has the ability to be
Speaker 1: all of those and second of all, even those people
Speaker 1: don't have the ability to be those things perfectly.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Our parents aren't perfect, our friends aren't perfect. A business
Speaker 1: partner's not perfect. Even a therapist and a coach are
Speaker 1: not perfect. So not only is it impossible for even
Speaker 1: those professions to play those roles perfectly, we're now expecting
Speaker 1: one person to perfectly play five roles that are individually
Speaker 1: extremely difficult. A therapist takes years of training, coaches take
Speaker 1: years of great training right, businesses take years of great practice,
Speaker 1: a friend takes years to build, and parents, of course,
Speaker 1: I mean that can take decades to get right. But
Speaker 1: it's really fascinating that we have a long list of
Speaker 1: needs and we want our partner to not only be
Speaker 1: able to play one of them, we want them to
Speaker 1: be able to adapt. And by the way, I didn't
Speaker 1: even say partner yet, we want them to be our
Speaker 1: husband or our wife, right, we want them to play
Speaker 1: that role too, and we want them to be a
Speaker 1: perfect dad or mom or parent or whatever it may be.
Speaker 1: So just think about how many roles we're expected to play,
Speaker 1: and maybe your partner is the person who expects it
Speaker 1: of you, And think about how many roles you're expecting
Speaker 1: your partner to play. So here's how I want you
Speaker 1: to think about it. I love this tool, and I
Speaker 1: recommend doing it right now. I want you to write
Speaker 1: down everything you love doing and everything you love feeling.
Speaker 1: So you may say I love going to watch basketball.
Speaker 1: You may say I love feeling reassured. Right, what are
Speaker 1: the things that you want from other people?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: First of all, I'm going to remind you I want
Speaker 1: you to do those things with yourself. I am going
Speaker 1: to double down on the solitude point. Take yourself to
Speaker 1: a basketball game, give yourself compliments, reassure yourself.
Speaker 2: For sure.
Speaker 1: There are other episodes on that, and Eight Rules of
Speaker 1: Love dives deeply into that in chapter one. But in
Speaker 1: this episode, I want to talk to you about this
Speaker 1: idea of have a list of things that you really
Speaker 1: want to feel and do in life, and I want
Speaker 1: you to write the name of a different person next
Speaker 1: to each of those. So for basketball, you're like, all right, yeah,
Speaker 1: my friend loves basketball, great, Okay, I want to go
Speaker 1: watch dance performances or which one of my friends loves dance?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Perfect, Okay. I want to feel confident and reassured. Okay,
Speaker 1: which one of my friends makes me feel that way,
Speaker 1: or maybe my sister makes me feel that way. Okay, great,
Speaker 1: now I want to feel complimented. Oh I don't get
Speaker 1: compliments from anyone actually, or I'm going to compliment myself first,
Speaker 1: but I would love to receive them from my partner.
Speaker 1: So what you do is you start finding different people
Speaker 1: in your life that play different roles, some for business advice,
Speaker 1: some for life advice, some to just hear your pains,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. And the beauty of that is
Speaker 1: you start recognizing that you have so many other people
Speaker 1: in your circle. And if you start recognizing you don't
Speaker 1: have people in your circle, you are now very accountable
Speaker 1: to go and build those relationships. When we don't want
Speaker 1: to be accountable for building these relationships, we make our
Speaker 1: partners accountable to fill that gap that ruins relationships rather
Speaker 1: than going I love my sister for this, I love
Speaker 1: my mom for this, I love my partner for this,
Speaker 1: I love this for this, whatever it may be, right
Speaker 1: finding people like, for example, my wife loves high intensity workouts.
Speaker 1: I really don't like high intensity workouts, and if my
Speaker 1: wife wanted to do that with me, I wouldn't be
Speaker 1: able to keep up with her, I wouldn't be able
Speaker 1: to fulfill that need. Right there are something she wants
Speaker 1: to talk to her sister around. I wants to talk
Speaker 1: to her best friend about. I wants to talk to
Speaker 1: her mom about that isn't interesting. Like her mum and
Speaker 1: her will talk about what they eat every day and
Speaker 1: what they're making for food and all the rest of it,
Speaker 1: and that's awesome, but I'm not the person to had
Speaker 1: that conversation. Similarly, I may want to have a certain
Speaker 1: conversation about a topic which is about how we present,
Speaker 1: how we feel and what we think about, and that
Speaker 1: may not be the conversation that I'm having with her.
Speaker 2: I'm having it with one of my friends.
Speaker 1: Take a list of everything you want to do and
Speaker 1: everything you want to feel, and find people. It may
Speaker 1: be your friend who loves adventure vacations, your friend who
Speaker 1: loves music concerts. Right like expanding that social network to
Speaker 1: feel that social strength. Point number four is something I
Speaker 1: repeat in my book, but I still feel it needs
Speaker 1: to be reseaid because it needs to be refined in
Speaker 1: order to have a healthy relationship, in order to save
Speaker 1: a relationship, in order to know whether a relationship is
Speaker 1: going to last you have to ask yourself three questions.
Speaker 1: Do I like their personality? What I mean by that
Speaker 1: is if you ask someone what they like to do,
Speaker 1: they may say they like traveling. Now, you may like
Speaker 1: traveling too, But the question is do you like their
Speaker 1: personality and how they talk about traveling. So if they
Speaker 1: were like, well, where have you been, and you're like, oh, well,
Speaker 1: last year, I just went to one place and they're like,
Speaker 1: only one place I went to like seven last year, like,
Speaker 1: come on, their personality is ego and arrogance. In that moment,
Speaker 1: of course, I'm using a very simple example. Their personality
Speaker 1: is and that they like to travel. You may say, oh,
Speaker 1: they like to travel, We're they're same. No, they just
Speaker 1: demonstrated to you that they have pride and eed go
Speaker 1: around how they travel.
Speaker 2: Do you like that?
Speaker 1: That's what you're thinking about when you're thinking about personality.
Speaker 1: The second question is do you respect their values? This
Speaker 1: is a really critical one because when I say do
Speaker 1: you respect someone's values, that means you don't want to
Speaker 1: change them. If you respects someone's values, it means you
Speaker 1: don't have to value what they value, and you're not
Speaker 1: expecting your partner to value what you value. You want
Speaker 1: them to respect what you value. I love that one
Speaker 1: of my wife's values is she loves healthy eating.
Speaker 2: I respect that.
Speaker 1: I value it for myself too, but I respect it
Speaker 1: first in her. I respect that to her, her workout
Speaker 1: is a non negotiable for me, even though I respect that.
Speaker 1: Sometimes my workout is negotiable because of how much I
Speaker 1: have going on and some other priorities that I have.
Speaker 1: So I can't expect her to devaluate because I may
Speaker 1: devalue it sometimes, and she can't expect me to value
Speaker 1: it to the same level as hers.
Speaker 2: We have to resc respect each other's values.
Speaker 1: And what I find so often is we actually want
Speaker 1: our partners to value what we value. We want them
Speaker 1: to like what we like, which isn't really the case
Speaker 1: for a good relationship. And finally, do we want to
Speaker 1: help people towards their goals or do we want to
Speaker 1: change their goals? You will ruin a relationship if you
Speaker 1: want to change someone's values, or if you want them
Speaker 1: to value what you value. They should respect what you value,
Speaker 1: but you can't force them to value it, and you
Speaker 1: can't force them to change their goals. If you think
Speaker 1: your partner isn't ambitious enough. If you think your partner
Speaker 1: isn't something else enough, whatever it is that they're not
Speaker 1: enough of, it's going to be very unlikely that they
Speaker 1: make a drastic, drastic change. So point number five, this
Speaker 1: is probably my number one thing, and it's what I
Speaker 1: experienced with my wife Radi that transformed how I felt
Speaker 1: about this. Remember, this criticism doesn't help change coaching does.
Speaker 1: I found when I was in relationships that a lot
Speaker 1: of people were very critical. They'd be critical of how
Speaker 1: I spent my time, They'd be critical of what I
Speaker 1: like doing, They'd be critical of what I was wearing,
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Now, Radi may sometimes do that,
Speaker 1: but Radi was one of the first people that I
Speaker 1: ever met that didn't criticize me about my habits, about
Speaker 1: my way of living, about my approach. There was coaching,
Speaker 1: there was opportunities, there was questions, there was curiosity, but
Speaker 1: there wasn't criticism. I find a lot of us who
Speaker 1: ruin relationships, and if you want to save a relationship,
Speaker 1: remove criticism. So many of us will go up to
Speaker 1: our partners and go, why do you always do this?
Speaker 1: Why do you never do this?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: The words always never are not factual. They're subjective. We
Speaker 1: always say things like, oh, you need to stop doing this,
Speaker 1: Can you just stop? Like why do you do this? Right,
Speaker 1: it's criticism. Oh I really don't like it when you
Speaker 1: do that. Oh I really don't appreciate that. Right, there's
Speaker 1: so much criticism, and criticism puts someone on the defensive.
Speaker 1: It makes someone feel less than, It makes someone feel inadequate.
Speaker 1: It completely makes someone feel like you don't believe they
Speaker 1: can change. Now you may say, oh no, no, my
Speaker 1: partner's tough, they know they can change. No, I promise you.
Speaker 1: I promise you. You can discourage, dishearten, and put someone
Speaker 1: in a disconnect from change just through criticism.
Speaker 2: Think about children.
Speaker 1: All of us have a little child in us that
Speaker 1: was criticized too much, that heard too much negativity growing up,
Speaker 1: that was told there, we won't be anything. And when
Speaker 1: we hear that from our partner, gosh, there's that trigger. Right,
Speaker 1: That's what triggers, is that little self inside of you.
Speaker 1: So you may say, no, my partner's grown, they can
Speaker 1: handle it. I promise you. No matter how emotionally intelligent
Speaker 1: or how emotionally aware someone is, if they are criticized
Speaker 1: about something, it takes them right back there. And what
Speaker 1: does criticism do. It makes someone act out like a child.
Speaker 1: It makes them go right back to that, and now
Speaker 1: they're going to behave in a childlike way, or actually
Speaker 1: rather a childish way, and now it's harder for them
Speaker 1: to change rather than in an adult way. If you
Speaker 1: said to them, hey, what's blocking you? What are you
Speaker 1: struggling with right now? I've noticed that there's.
Speaker 2: Something on your mind. What's going on? Talk to me.
Speaker 1: I'm up for it, let's discuss it. That kind of
Speaker 1: approach is more of a coach approach than a criticism approach, saying, hey, look,
Speaker 1: I've noticed that it's been hard for you to get
Speaker 1: around to this or get around to that, like.
Speaker 2: What's going on? Talk to me?
Speaker 1: And often you'll find that that person, and this is
Speaker 1: zero point six, they don't know how to open up
Speaker 1: because they see opening up as a weakness. And then
Speaker 1: we see that as like, oh, my partner doesn't want
Speaker 1: to open up. My partner doesn't want to talk about
Speaker 1: their feelings. Well, guess what chances are because they're scared
Speaker 1: that if they share how they feel, it makes them
Speaker 1: appear weak. There's something known as the John Wayne syndrome
Speaker 1: or the hero complex, and it's something that stops people
Speaker 1: from responding effectively and they're ability to engage in challenging
Speaker 1: conversations or even challenging tasks. And it comes from the
Speaker 1: idea that people believe they need to be bulletproof, or
Speaker 1: they need to be perfect, or they need to be
Speaker 1: fully stoic or strong. There's a line that was said
Speaker 1: by John Wayne that kind of coined this, never apologize, mister,
Speaker 1: it's a sign of weakness.
Speaker 2: John Wayne.
Speaker 1: Under direction, John Ford said this phrase as Captain Nathan
Speaker 1: Brittles in the nineteen forty nine Western she wore a
Speaker 1: yellow ribbon. I'll say it again, never apologize, mister, or
Speaker 1: it's a sign of weakness. Notice how that sets in
Speaker 1: itself an idea that, oh, if I apologize, it makes
Speaker 1: me look weak. And I know my partner doesn't like
Speaker 1: weakness because they expect me to be perfect and strong,
Speaker 1: and so I won't go there. This has kind of
Speaker 1: penetrated itself through society where we find that men are
Speaker 1: often given this again, they're also given the criticism that
Speaker 1: not only do they not open up, that men don't
Speaker 1: like to open up. This rhetoric, this narrative creates a
Speaker 1: reality where men then struggle to open up, and you know,
Speaker 1: people will say things like I don't know what he's
Speaker 1: thinking because he never tells me what's going on. And
Speaker 1: I Village did a study where they found forty two
Speaker 1: percent of women have a hard time getting their partner
Speaker 1: to share their feelings, and when that happens, they often
Speaker 1: feel shut out and misunderstood. What I've really found is
Speaker 1: that people are scared of rejection and not being received.
Speaker 1: They don't want to be seen as weak. They're scared
Speaker 1: that they may be criticized in the future. So here's
Speaker 1: how it's going down in someone's mind. They say sorry,
Speaker 1: or they express that, hey, I'm really struggling with this,
Speaker 1: and now they feel that you're going to use it
Speaker 1: in another argument where it's like, look, you can even
Speaker 1: deal with that, Now you can't deal with this. They're
Speaker 1: scared of that weakness being exposed and re exposed again
Speaker 1: and again and again. Our partners want to know that
Speaker 1: we're happy with them. Our partners want to know that
Speaker 1: we're pleased with them. Our partners want to know what
Speaker 1: they get right. You may say we're adults, they should
Speaker 1: know it. Come on, they don't need to hear it.
Speaker 1: I promise you. We're all children inside. We all have
Speaker 1: a little child inside of still wanting us to know that. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm really proud of you. Hey, I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1: And you may think that sounds patronizing, but I promise
Speaker 1: you need it as well.
Speaker 2: I'm proud of you.
Speaker 1: I see you, I really appreciate you. I really notice
Speaker 1: in love when you do that. Thank you for doing that.
Speaker 1: And I know you struggle with this, and I'm happy
Speaker 1: to figure out with you and understand why. That's how
Speaker 1: you talk to someone you love, not criticism, and point
Speaker 1: number seven. Criticism often is linked with comparison. Sometimes we
Speaker 1: don't criticize directly, we criticize indirectly, which comes in the
Speaker 1: form of comparison.
Speaker 2: Oh did you see what they did? Oh my gosh,
Speaker 2: their vacation looked amazing. Oh my god. Did you see
Speaker 2: the ring that he got a Wow, that's incredible. Oh
Speaker 2: my god.
Speaker 1: Did you see what she did for them on Valentine's say,
Speaker 1: Oh that was beautiful.
Speaker 2: Oh my god. Did you see what they did for
Speaker 2: his birthday? Oh?
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Right, we've all said things like that.
Speaker 1: There's a passive aggression of comparison. We are trying to
Speaker 1: make our partner get the message, and then a partner goes, oh,
Speaker 1: is that what you wanted?
Speaker 2: We're like, no, no, no, nothing like that. Right.
Speaker 1: Comparison pushes people away. It pushes people away because again
Speaker 1: you've made your partner for more and more inadequate. And
Speaker 1: number eight, this is a definite no no. If you
Speaker 1: want to save your relationship, stop doing this. Don't put
Speaker 1: them down in public. I've heard people say things as
Speaker 1: a joke, Oh, he doesn't know what he's doing in
Speaker 1: his life right now. You know everyone struggles in that area.
Speaker 1: You say these statements that you think people can handle. Again,
Speaker 1: we keep saying, oh, yeah, they're an adult, they can
Speaker 1: deal with it. With our little child inside that remembers
Speaker 1: when we were ridiculed in public. It's going to make
Speaker 1: that person quieter, it's going to make them open up less.
Speaker 1: Oh he never opens up. He's not in touch with
Speaker 1: his feelings. Those statements push someone away. I'm sending you
Speaker 1: lots of love. I hope that this helps you save
Speaker 1: your relationship. I hope it stops you from ruining a
Speaker 1: good one, and I hope it helps you build conscious communication.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. Please do leave a review.
Speaker 1: It means the world. It makes a huge difference. I
Speaker 1: know so many of you have been talking about so
Speaker 1: many of the episodes recently. There's been amazing bars around
Speaker 1: the conversations the solos. Share this with a friend, Share
Speaker 1: this with a friend who you know may be struggling.
Speaker 1: Sending you a lot of love. Thank you so much.