WEBVTT - 8 Steps to Save Any Relationship & Stop Ruining It 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:06.200 Remember this criticism doesn't help change coaching does. This is 0:00:06.559 --> 0:00:10.440 probably my number one thing and it's what I experienced 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:13.440 with my wife Radi that transformed how I felt about this. 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:16.800 I found when I was in relationships that they'd be 0:00:16.840 --> 0:00:19.160 critical of how I spent my time. They'd be critical 0:00:19.200 --> 0:00:20.919 of whatever it may be. Radi was one of the 0:00:20.960 --> 0:00:23.840 first people that I ever met that didn't criticize me. 0:00:24.000 --> 0:00:26.800 There was coaching, there was opportunities, there was questions, there 0:00:26.840 --> 0:00:36.879 was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism. Everyone, welcome back to 0:00:37.080 --> 0:00:40.000 On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:44.440 where you're investing in becoming happier, healthier, and more healed. 0:00:45.159 --> 0:00:49.640 I genuinely love hearing from you when I'm walking around. 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:53.080 I just finished an event in Dallas where I was 0:00:53.120 --> 0:00:56.160 doing a corporate speaking engagement, and so many of you 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:58.360 from the audience was saying that on Purpose is a 0:00:58.360 --> 0:01:01.120 part of your daily ritual, whether you or listening while 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:03.680 you're in the gym, or walking your dog or your commute. 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:06.000 It means the world to me that I get to 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:08.120 be your workout partner, even though I don't get the 0:01:08.160 --> 0:01:12.240 benefits of the workout, but I love being your commute partner. 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:14.640 I love being your workout partner. I love being the 0:01:14.680 --> 0:01:17.360 podcast that you're dissecting with your friends. I want to 0:01:17.360 --> 0:01:20.039 give a big shout out to everyone who's allowing me 0:01:20.080 --> 0:01:22.319 to be me and allowing me to be seen as well. 0:01:22.360 --> 0:01:25.280 When I'm sitting down with someone that people may not 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:28.200 expect me to sit with, when I'm having conversations that 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:30.480 people don't expect me to have, or when I'm recording 0:01:30.480 --> 0:01:33.160 an episode like one of these where I'm tackling a 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:35.840 difficult topic. Thank you for seeing me, thank you for 0:01:35.920 --> 0:01:39.600 hearing me out. I'm so grateful to you. And today's 0:01:39.880 --> 0:01:44.280 episode is something that I've been thinking about for a 0:01:44.280 --> 0:01:48.760 long time. And what's really interesting about it is that 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:52.200 I'm meeting so many people who keep asking me, Jay, 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:56.960 I want to save my relationship, Jay, I want to 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:00.040 you know, I want to stop ruining my relationship. I 0:02:00.040 --> 0:02:03.200 feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship based on my behavior, 0:02:03.280 --> 0:02:05.280 based on the way I talk to my partner, the 0:02:05.360 --> 0:02:07.960 way I talk about my partner. And we may not 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:09.919 say I want to save my relationship or I want 0:02:09.919 --> 0:02:12.280 to stop ruining it, but I think we all recognize 0:02:12.400 --> 0:02:15.680 that we want our relationships to be better. We want 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:18.400 our relationships to improve, and we want to be in 0:02:18.440 --> 0:02:21.160 a position where we're not feeling like we're the one 0:02:21.800 --> 0:02:25.320 taking our relationship a few steps backwards. Right, Maybe you 0:02:25.440 --> 0:02:27.320 felt before that you said something and you're like, that 0:02:27.440 --> 0:02:30.040 just set me back two years, or maybe you did 0:02:30.080 --> 0:02:31.840 something and you're like, oh, that just set us back 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.079 a few months. I thought we were out of that place. 0:02:34.320 --> 0:02:36.600 I thought I was out of that place. And so 0:02:36.720 --> 0:02:40.520 today I want to give you some steps and strategies 0:02:41.160 --> 0:02:47.080 as to how we cause issues in our relationships and 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:51.560 how we can actually better communicate them. I don't think 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:54.880 having challenges and issues is abnormal. I would actually say 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:57.560 that it's more normal. But I think the way we 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:00.400 communicate them, and the way we make our partners aware, 0:03:00.440 --> 0:03:04.720 the way we carry that awareness, makes a big difference 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:09.280 as to how that becomes an argument and a disagreement 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:15.320 versus a healthy discussion, a debate, or a curiosity. And 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:18.280 I think that's what I find so fascinating about relationships 0:03:18.320 --> 0:03:21.240 is that you can have the same conversation, but one 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:25.320 can be with affection and still be assertive, and one 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:31.160 can be full of argumentative, poorly articulated points of view. 0:03:31.440 --> 0:03:34.240 So one of the first ways that we begin to 0:03:34.280 --> 0:03:38.000 ruin relationships, and if we want to save ours, what 0:03:38.120 --> 0:03:41.400 we need to be really mindful of is don't assume 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:45.920 someone's behavior makes them the same as someone you were 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:50.640 with before. Often when we see similar behavior patterns, we 0:03:50.800 --> 0:03:54.520 assume that the current person is doing it for the 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:58.840 same reasons as the person we were with before. So 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:03.040 let's say, for example, or this person goes really quiet 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:06.440 when you have an argument. Now, your last partner went quiet, 0:04:06.840 --> 0:04:09.200 but eventually you figured out that's because they didn't care. 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:12.080 Now with this partner, when they go quiet, you think 0:04:12.480 --> 0:04:15.480 they must be going quiet because they don't care. Right, 0:04:15.520 --> 0:04:19.159 It's very normal as humans to draw that parallel, to 0:04:19.240 --> 0:04:22.360 connect the dots, to feel that's the pattern. Let me 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:26.080 take another example. Maybe this partner of yours, Let's say 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:28.200 they always forget to take the trash out, or they 0:04:28.240 --> 0:04:32.680 forget to stock up the refrigerator when they've finished something right, 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:35.760 a daily thing that could happen. Now, your last partner 0:04:35.800 --> 0:04:38.320 did that, and what you figured out eventually is that 0:04:38.880 --> 0:04:42.359 they were not very thoughtful, that they were not conscientious. 0:04:42.920 --> 0:04:46.279 And with this partner, maybe they're busy, maybe they've just 0:04:46.320 --> 0:04:48.159 had a lot going on. Maybe they have done it 0:04:48.160 --> 0:04:50.159 before and right now they're just going through a really 0:04:50.160 --> 0:04:52.960 tough time. What I find is that when we assume, 0:04:53.400 --> 0:04:58.160 when we believe we know why our partner is acting 0:04:58.200 --> 0:05:02.240 the way they're acting, we're basing it on previous experience. 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:05.040 Not only is this a very normal and coherent thing 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:08.839 to do, it's expected for us to do, but it 0:05:09.000 --> 0:05:12.520 sets us up for failure because A you never get 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:14.960 to know the intentions of the person you're currently with. 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:20.159 B the last person is somewhat irrelevant and insignificant to 0:05:20.240 --> 0:05:25.520 this relationship, and three you stop being curious and you 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:29.520 come to a conclusion. Whenever we stop becoming curious with 0:05:29.520 --> 0:05:34.240 our partners and we draw conclusions without information, without insight, 0:05:34.360 --> 0:05:38.520 without data, without questions, we are setting our relationship up 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:43.680 to fail. We're going to struggle to save that kind 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:47.200 of a relationship because we've already made our mind up 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:50.360 as to why someone behaves the way they do. Now, 0:05:50.440 --> 0:05:52.760 let's say it is their reason. Maybe it is their 0:05:52.800 --> 0:05:55.920 reason right, Maybe that is why they are behaving that way, 0:05:56.080 --> 0:05:59.240 but it's really important to check. So in that situation, 0:05:59.800 --> 0:06:02.440 it's so important to go up to someone and say, hey, 0:06:02.560 --> 0:06:05.600 I noticed that you've done this or done this, or 0:06:05.600 --> 0:06:08.440 I've noticed that you go quiet during an argument? Can 0:06:08.480 --> 0:06:09.520 you tell me why that is? 0:06:09.839 --> 0:06:10.000 Now? 0:06:10.040 --> 0:06:12.560 Notice how different that is to the question we usually ask. 0:06:12.600 --> 0:06:14.880 The question we usually ask is why do you go 0:06:14.960 --> 0:06:19.000 so quiet? You probably don't care? Right, that projection of 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:22.279 the previous person not only is existing in our mind 0:06:22.400 --> 0:06:26.200 and our belief system, it's actually articulated them. You probably 0:06:26.240 --> 0:06:28.320 don't care. That's where you go quiet. Now what does 0:06:28.360 --> 0:06:30.200 that do? That sets off alarm bells for them? And 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:31.760 they go, well, no, no, no, I do care. I'm not 0:06:31.760 --> 0:06:34.640 going quiet. Why would you think that? Right? And now 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:38.520 you've started going down a route that doesn't solve the problem. 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.200 The problem was they go silent. The problem wasn't that 0:06:41.240 --> 0:06:44.279 they go silent because they don't care. So saying to 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.800 someone you're always so quiet, you don't care about me, 0:06:47.279 --> 0:06:50.040 versus saying to them, I noticed and observed that you 0:06:50.080 --> 0:06:54.120 often go quiet when we're having a tough discussion or 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:57.520 having an argument. What's your reasoning? Where does that come from? 0:06:57.640 --> 0:06:59.960 Now that person may not have an answer straight away. 0:07:00.240 --> 0:07:02.679 They may not even be aware of why they go quiet. 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:04.919 They may not even be aware that they do go 0:07:05.080 --> 0:07:08.200 quiet and This is what I find is so common 0:07:08.200 --> 0:07:12.480 in relationships that we don't have that awareness, we don't 0:07:12.520 --> 0:07:16.560 have that consciousness, and we don't recognize that. Sometimes people 0:07:16.600 --> 0:07:20.040 are so unaware of their own behavior, and we don't 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:23.760 give them time, we don't give them space, we don't 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:26.640 give them an opportunity to articulate that or become conscious. 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:28.760 So they may say I don't go quiet, and we go, yes, 0:07:28.800 --> 0:07:31.320 you do. Here are three examples of when you quiet. Now, 0:07:31.360 --> 0:07:33.240 what have we're done? We've put them on the defensive. 0:07:33.720 --> 0:07:35.680 What we've done, We've made them feel inadequate, And what 0:07:35.680 --> 0:07:37.240 have we done We've made them feel like they don't 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.400 know themselves. Rather than saying, well, think about it for 0:07:40.440 --> 0:07:42.640 a certain amount time, I'd love to hear how you 0:07:42.680 --> 0:07:46.160 feel you deal with arguments. Notice how different that is 0:07:46.200 --> 0:07:50.200 now when we want that immediate instant response to feel better, 0:07:50.640 --> 0:07:52.960 this is the question we have to ask ourselves. Are 0:07:52.960 --> 0:07:55.840 we trying to feel better about ourselves in the moment? 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:58.560 Is that why we're arguing? Or are we trying to 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:00.760 solve the root of the issue. And I find that 0:08:00.880 --> 0:08:05.400 those two questions will very quickly let you decipher whether 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:07.680 you're going to win or whether you're going to lose. 0:08:08.120 --> 0:08:10.120 If you're trying to figure out how to solve the 0:08:10.120 --> 0:08:12.920 real problem, you are always going to win. If you're 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:15.360 trying to feel better in the moment, you are likely 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:19.320 to create more long term issues. Please use that check 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:24.200 in question. My wife, Radi's cookbook is launching on February 0:08:24.240 --> 0:08:27.800 twenty seventh. It's called Joyful and will help you cook 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:31.360 plant based dishes effortlessly. I'm so excited for her recipes 0:08:31.400 --> 0:08:33.480 to be in your hands so you can make them 0:08:33.559 --> 0:08:35.920 in your home for the people you love the most, 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:37.240 and it would mean the. 0:08:37.120 --> 0:08:37.720 World to me. 0:08:37.960 --> 0:08:42.320 If you go to joy f U l lBook dot 0:08:42.360 --> 0:08:45.760 com to pre order now for an exclusive video and 0:08:45.880 --> 0:08:49.760 the daily wellness guide for free made by Radi. Again, 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:55.640 that's Joyful book dot com, joy f U l lBook 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:59.320 dot com and you get your free daily wellness guide 0:08:59.520 --> 0:09:06.839 made by now. Point number two. Don't fill in uncertainties mentally. 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:10.120 This is often similar to the first idea, but now 0:09:10.120 --> 0:09:12.080 it's not based on someone you dated in the past. 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:15.360 It's based on your own imagination. So don't fill in 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:20.880 uncertainties mentally. We project our insecurities onto someone else. I'll 0:09:20.880 --> 0:09:24.000 give an example. Let's say you just got your hair done, 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:27.319 or let's say you just tried a new hairstyle, or 0:09:27.400 --> 0:09:30.520 let's say you bought a new top or skirt, or 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:33.040 you bought a new pair of jeans, or you bought 0:09:33.080 --> 0:09:36.199 whatever it is, right, and this applies to everyone of 0:09:36.240 --> 0:09:39.440 all genders. And you're hoping that when you walk through 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:41.959 the door or when you're ready for date night, your 0:09:41.960 --> 0:09:44.920 partner's going to say, you look amazing, you look great. Oh, 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:46.640 I love that new fit on you. I love that 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:49.000 new jacket on you, and you're waiting for it, whatever 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:51.559 it may be. You're waiting for that compliment. Now they 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:54.520 don't say it, and in your head do you start thinking, Oh, 0:09:54.559 --> 0:09:57.520 they don't think I'm cute anymore, they're not attracted to 0:09:57.520 --> 0:10:00.280 me anymore, or maybe the hair doesn't look good. I 0:10:00.320 --> 0:10:02.400 was wrong, Oh I should have told their address. So 0:10:02.440 --> 0:10:05.160 I didn't want to try this out. Maybe they're attracted 0:10:05.200 --> 0:10:08.000 to someone else, Maybe they're not into me anymore. Right, So, 0:10:08.080 --> 0:10:12.320 what we've done is we had an expectation that we 0:10:12.400 --> 0:10:16.400 never communicated based on something that we thought about. We 0:10:16.600 --> 0:10:20.920 now when that expectation is not met, we are filling 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:25.400 that space between our expectation and what we received with 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:30.720 mental chatter based on our insecurities. There is no fact there, 0:10:30.760 --> 0:10:34.040 there is no checking there again, and what does that do. 0:10:34.640 --> 0:10:39.000 It starts to paint a narrative about your relationship that 0:10:39.160 --> 0:10:43.200 is only based on your imagination, your opinion. So you're 0:10:43.240 --> 0:10:46.280 now painting a whole narrative about how someone feels about 0:10:46.320 --> 0:10:51.360 you without even knowing anything, based on a inaction. The 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:54.439 idea is they didn't say anything and that has made 0:10:54.520 --> 0:10:59.160 you think something. Notice how we wouldn't allow that to 0:10:59.160 --> 0:11:01.440 happen to our friend. If our friend did that, we'd say, 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:04.320 well that you don't know if that's true, Like, hey, 0:11:04.320 --> 0:11:05.959 your hair does look good, and you know, hey, I 0:11:06.000 --> 0:11:07.720 didn't even notice that you had your head done right. 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:09.760 I've got so much going on. Maybe they missed out. 0:11:10.400 --> 0:11:12.480 But when it comes to our own lives, we just assume. 0:11:12.559 --> 0:11:14.640 And by the way, we do this in multiple relationships, 0:11:14.720 --> 0:11:17.480 not just romantic ones. At work, your boss doesn't say 0:11:17.480 --> 0:11:19.720 you did well at work, straight away, we're like, oh, 0:11:19.760 --> 0:11:22.800 I'm not getting promoted, I'm getting fired. Right, they didn't 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:24.560 talk about me at lunch. I saw them talk about 0:11:24.559 --> 0:11:27.600 someone else. And all of a sudden, we're assuming, and 0:11:27.640 --> 0:11:30.959 we're filling the gaps in with our own mental insecurity 0:11:30.960 --> 0:11:35.000 and mental chatter. So all of that being said, what 0:11:35.080 --> 0:11:37.240 do we do. Imagine you sat down with your partner 0:11:37.280 --> 0:11:40.560 and said to them in the car. Usually what happens 0:11:40.559 --> 0:11:43.320 in the car is you're then silent with them because 0:11:43.320 --> 0:11:45.839 they didn't say anything. You're upset with them. They're wondering 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:47.160 what's going on with you? And they're like, hey, I 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:49.720 thought we were excited about tonight. What's going on? And 0:11:49.760 --> 0:11:52.600 you're like, oh, nothing, it doesn't matter. And they're like, no, no, no, 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:54.840 tell me what happened. And you're like, oh, it doesn't matter. 0:11:54.840 --> 0:11:57.360 And then you're like, god, you just never noticed me anymore. 0:11:57.400 --> 0:11:59.000 I feel like you don't love me anymore. Right, you 0:11:59.040 --> 0:12:02.200 make a statement that is so overarching that then they go, no, 0:12:02.240 --> 0:12:04.440 of course I love you. I think you're beautiful, and 0:12:04.440 --> 0:12:05.760 they're like when Then you're like, well, why didn't you 0:12:05.800 --> 0:12:09.760 tell me? Then? Right now, the conversation sounds irrational. You know, 0:12:09.920 --> 0:12:12.400 you sound irrational, but you got to stick to it, right, 0:12:12.400 --> 0:12:14.800 You got to stick to your irrationality because you've gone 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:17.280 down that road. Now, let's talk about how that conversation 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:19.719 could have been handled differently. Maybe you say to them, hey, 0:12:19.800 --> 0:12:21.240 I want to share with you. And this is a 0:12:21.280 --> 0:12:23.760 tool that I love in coaching and it also comes 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:27.600 up in therapy is talking to someone about the expectation 0:12:27.679 --> 0:12:29.960 you had and how you feel. So saying to your partner, hey, 0:12:30.000 --> 0:12:33.920 so I came down with the expectation that I felt 0:12:33.920 --> 0:12:35.560 like I looked great and I wanted to do that 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:38.560 for you. And when you didn't tell me that I 0:12:38.600 --> 0:12:42.880 looked beautiful, I felt like maybe you didn't like what 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:44.400 I was wearing, and I just wanted to hear how 0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:46.560 you felt about it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts. 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:48.640 And then your party gets to say, you know what, actually, 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:51.079 I'm so sorry. I've just had so much on a 0:12:51.160 --> 0:12:53.640 work right now at a really crazy day. I'm really 0:12:53.679 --> 0:12:56.160 excited for date night, but I wasn't in the zone. 0:12:56.800 --> 0:12:58.280 Or they get to say, hey, you know what, actually 0:12:58.320 --> 0:13:00.240 I'm not sure I loved that jacket, but I love 0:13:00.280 --> 0:13:02.760 it for you. And now you've got to realize that 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:05.720 that's what a good, healthy conversation looks like. Right. You 0:13:05.720 --> 0:13:07.199 don't want your partner to lie to you and say 0:13:07.240 --> 0:13:09.000 that they love your new hair or love whatever it is, 0:13:09.080 --> 0:13:11.520 just to make you feel better. But sometimes we pressurize 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:13.840 our partners, and we pressurize the people in our lives 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:16.240 to tell us they love everything we do because we're 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:18.520 not open to that feedback. We're not opening curious to 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:21.400 what they actually think. So I want you to again 0:13:21.600 --> 0:13:26.240 check check before you fill the gaps with your insecurities. Now, 0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:28.800 point number three, how do you save any relationship and 0:13:28.840 --> 0:13:32.120 stop ruining it based on your past. One of the 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:35.360 biggest mistakes we make, or the way we ruin relationships 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:38.559 is we all have a long list of needs. They 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:42.200 may be compliments, It may be reassurance. It may be 0:13:42.960 --> 0:13:46.960 advice on our new startup. It may be investment advice, 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:48.960 maybe money advice. It may be advice on dealing with 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:52.520 our parents. Often, the way I see it is, especially 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:55.360 when I'm coaching clients and working with people, a lot 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:59.560 of people want their partner to be their therapist, their coach, 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:04.559 their business partner, and their friend. Sometimes even their mom 0:14:04.600 --> 0:14:07.160 and their dad. Right, a lot of us want our 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:10.280 partners to be our therapists, our coaches, our business partners, 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:13.640 our friends, and potentially even act like our parents. 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:16.080 Sometimes. Now, what does that do? 0:14:16.880 --> 0:14:18.720 First of all, no one has the ability to be 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.160 all of those and second of all, even those people 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:23.520 don't have the ability to be those things perfectly. 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:24.000 Right. 0:14:24.000 --> 0:14:26.440 Our parents aren't perfect, our friends aren't perfect. A business 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:28.880 partner's not perfect. Even a therapist and a coach are 0:14:28.920 --> 0:14:32.960 not perfect. So not only is it impossible for even 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:37.440 those professions to play those roles perfectly, we're now expecting 0:14:37.520 --> 0:14:43.480 one person to perfectly play five roles that are individually 0:14:43.560 --> 0:14:48.240 extremely difficult. A therapist takes years of training, coaches take 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:52.800 years of great training right, businesses take years of great practice, 0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:56.800 a friend takes years to build, and parents, of course, 0:14:56.840 --> 0:15:00.120 I mean that can take decades to get right. But 0:15:00.160 --> 0:15:02.360 it's really fascinating that we have a long list of 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:05.880 needs and we want our partner to not only be 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:07.200 able to play one of them, we want them to 0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:08.920 be able to adapt. And by the way, I didn't 0:15:08.920 --> 0:15:11.120 even say partner yet, we want them to be our 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:13.400 husband or our wife, right, we want them to play 0:15:13.440 --> 0:15:15.760 that role too, and we want them to be a 0:15:15.760 --> 0:15:18.320 perfect dad or mom or parent or whatever it may be. 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:21.400 So just think about how many roles we're expected to play, 0:15:21.920 --> 0:15:23.640 and maybe your partner is the person who expects it 0:15:23.680 --> 0:15:27.240 of you, And think about how many roles you're expecting 0:15:27.240 --> 0:15:29.400 your partner to play. So here's how I want you 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:31.560 to think about it. I love this tool, and I 0:15:31.600 --> 0:15:33.640 recommend doing it right now. I want you to write 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:38.400 down everything you love doing and everything you love feeling. 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:42.200 So you may say I love going to watch basketball. 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:47.200 You may say I love feeling reassured. Right, what are 0:15:47.200 --> 0:15:49.600 the things that you want from other people? 0:15:49.640 --> 0:15:49.800 Now? 0:15:49.840 --> 0:15:51.240 First of all, I'm going to remind you I want 0:15:51.240 --> 0:15:53.160 you to do those things with yourself. I am going 0:15:53.200 --> 0:15:55.960 to double down on the solitude point. Take yourself to 0:15:56.000 --> 0:15:58.840 a basketball game, give yourself compliments, reassure yourself. 0:15:58.840 --> 0:15:59.280 For sure. 0:16:00.040 --> 0:16:01.760 There are other episodes on that, and Eight Rules of 0:16:01.760 --> 0:16:04.480 Love dives deeply into that in chapter one. But in 0:16:04.520 --> 0:16:05.960 this episode, I want to talk to you about this 0:16:06.040 --> 0:16:09.240 idea of have a list of things that you really 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:12.240 want to feel and do in life, and I want 0:16:12.240 --> 0:16:15.360 you to write the name of a different person next 0:16:15.400 --> 0:16:17.560 to each of those. So for basketball, you're like, all right, yeah, 0:16:17.560 --> 0:16:19.680 my friend loves basketball, great, Okay, I want to go 0:16:19.840 --> 0:16:22.440 watch dance performances or which one of my friends loves dance? 0:16:22.480 --> 0:16:22.680 Okay? 0:16:22.720 --> 0:16:26.560 Perfect, Okay. I want to feel confident and reassured. Okay, 0:16:26.560 --> 0:16:27.920 which one of my friends makes me feel that way, 0:16:27.960 --> 0:16:30.200 or maybe my sister makes me feel that way. Okay, great, 0:16:30.600 --> 0:16:33.240 now I want to feel complimented. Oh I don't get 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:35.640 compliments from anyone actually, or I'm going to compliment myself first, 0:16:35.680 --> 0:16:37.320 but I would love to receive them from my partner. 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:40.080 So what you do is you start finding different people 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:44.200 in your life that play different roles, some for business advice, 0:16:44.680 --> 0:16:48.080 some for life advice, some to just hear your pains, 0:16:48.320 --> 0:16:52.080 whatever it may be. And the beauty of that is 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:56.000 you start recognizing that you have so many other people 0:16:56.040 --> 0:16:58.440 in your circle. And if you start recognizing you don't 0:16:58.480 --> 0:17:02.720 have people in your circle, you are now very accountable 0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:06.320 to go and build those relationships. When we don't want 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:09.800 to be accountable for building these relationships, we make our 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:14.840 partners accountable to fill that gap that ruins relationships rather 0:17:14.920 --> 0:17:17.199 than going I love my sister for this, I love 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:18.919 my mom for this, I love my partner for this, 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:22.240 I love this for this, whatever it may be, right 0:17:22.920 --> 0:17:26.360 finding people like, for example, my wife loves high intensity workouts. 0:17:26.400 --> 0:17:28.720 I really don't like high intensity workouts, and if my 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:30.320 wife wanted to do that with me, I wouldn't be 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.360 able to keep up with her, I wouldn't be able 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:35.000 to fulfill that need. Right there are something she wants 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:36.399 to talk to her sister around. I wants to talk 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:37.760 to her best friend about. I wants to talk to 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:40.040 her mom about that isn't interesting. Like her mum and 0:17:40.080 --> 0:17:42.359 her will talk about what they eat every day and 0:17:42.400 --> 0:17:44.439 what they're making for food and all the rest of it, 0:17:44.440 --> 0:17:46.359 and that's awesome, but I'm not the person to had 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:50.280 that conversation. Similarly, I may want to have a certain 0:17:50.280 --> 0:17:53.840 conversation about a topic which is about how we present, 0:17:54.040 --> 0:17:55.719 how we feel and what we think about, and that 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:57.520 may not be the conversation that I'm having with her. 0:17:57.560 --> 0:17:58.919 I'm having it with one of my friends. 0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:01.600 Take a list of everything you want to do and 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:03.600 everything you want to feel, and find people. It may 0:18:03.600 --> 0:18:06.200 be your friend who loves adventure vacations, your friend who 0:18:06.240 --> 0:18:10.520 loves music concerts. Right like expanding that social network to 0:18:10.600 --> 0:18:14.720 feel that social strength. Point number four is something I 0:18:14.760 --> 0:18:17.680 repeat in my book, but I still feel it needs 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:20.560 to be reseaid because it needs to be refined in 0:18:20.680 --> 0:18:23.120 order to have a healthy relationship, in order to save 0:18:23.160 --> 0:18:25.359 a relationship, in order to know whether a relationship is 0:18:25.400 --> 0:18:27.600 going to last you have to ask yourself three questions. 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:30.800 Do I like their personality? What I mean by that 0:18:31.000 --> 0:18:33.240 is if you ask someone what they like to do, 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:35.320 they may say they like traveling. Now, you may like 0:18:35.400 --> 0:18:37.920 traveling too, But the question is do you like their 0:18:37.960 --> 0:18:40.479 personality and how they talk about traveling. So if they 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:42.320 were like, well, where have you been, and you're like, oh, well, 0:18:42.359 --> 0:18:43.960 last year, I just went to one place and they're like, 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:46.280 only one place I went to like seven last year, like, 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:50.160 come on, their personality is ego and arrogance. In that moment, 0:18:50.200 --> 0:18:53.879 of course, I'm using a very simple example. Their personality 0:18:53.920 --> 0:18:55.520 is and that they like to travel. You may say, oh, 0:18:55.520 --> 0:18:57.720 they like to travel, We're they're same. No, they just 0:18:57.800 --> 0:19:00.119 demonstrated to you that they have pride and eed go 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:01.000 around how they travel. 0:19:01.040 --> 0:19:02.600 Do you like that? 0:19:02.600 --> 0:19:05.360 That's what you're thinking about when you're thinking about personality. 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:09.879 The second question is do you respect their values? This 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:13.800 is a really critical one because when I say do 0:19:13.800 --> 0:19:16.439 you respect someone's values, that means you don't want to 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:19.480 change them. If you respects someone's values, it means you 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:22.080 don't have to value what they value, and you're not 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:25.440 expecting your partner to value what you value. You want 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:28.960 them to respect what you value. I love that one 0:19:28.960 --> 0:19:31.800 of my wife's values is she loves healthy eating. 0:19:31.840 --> 0:19:32.840 I respect that. 0:19:33.000 --> 0:19:36.000 I value it for myself too, but I respect it 0:19:36.080 --> 0:19:40.320 first in her. I respect that to her, her workout 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:44.520 is a non negotiable for me, even though I respect that. 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:47.520 Sometimes my workout is negotiable because of how much I 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:49.879 have going on and some other priorities that I have. 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:55.240 So I can't expect her to devaluate because I may 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:58.280 devalue it sometimes, and she can't expect me to value 0:19:58.280 --> 0:19:59.440 it to the same level as hers. 0:19:59.440 --> 0:20:01.040 We have to resc respect each other's values. 0:20:01.080 --> 0:20:03.040 And what I find so often is we actually want 0:20:03.080 --> 0:20:05.760 our partners to value what we value. We want them 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:09.120 to like what we like, which isn't really the case 0:20:09.160 --> 0:20:12.280