1 00:00:00,120 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: Remember this criticism doesn't help change coaching does. This is 2 00:00:06,559 --> 00:00:10,440 Speaker 1: probably my number one thing and it's what I experienced 3 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:13,440 Speaker 1: with my wife Radi that transformed how I felt about this. 4 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:16,800 Speaker 1: I found when I was in relationships that they'd be 5 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:19,160 Speaker 1: critical of how I spent my time. They'd be critical 6 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,919 Speaker 1: of whatever it may be. Radi was one of the 7 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,840 Speaker 1: first people that I ever met that didn't criticize me. 8 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,800 Speaker 1: There was coaching, there was opportunities, there was questions, there 9 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:36,879 Speaker 1: was curiosity, but there wasn't criticism. Everyone, welcome back to 10 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,000 Speaker 1: On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, 11 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:44,440 Speaker 1: where you're investing in becoming happier, healthier, and more healed. 12 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:49,640 Speaker 1: I genuinely love hearing from you when I'm walking around. 13 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,080 Speaker 1: I just finished an event in Dallas where I was 14 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,160 Speaker 1: doing a corporate speaking engagement, and so many of you 15 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,360 Speaker 1: from the audience was saying that on Purpose is a 16 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: part of your daily ritual, whether you or listening while 17 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 1: you're in the gym, or walking your dog or your commute. 18 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: It means the world to me that I get to 19 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:08,120 Speaker 1: be your workout partner, even though I don't get the 20 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:12,240 Speaker 1: benefits of the workout, but I love being your commute partner. 21 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:14,640 Speaker 1: I love being your workout partner. I love being the 22 00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,360 Speaker 1: podcast that you're dissecting with your friends. I want to 23 00:01:17,360 --> 00:01:20,039 Speaker 1: give a big shout out to everyone who's allowing me 24 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,319 Speaker 1: to be me and allowing me to be seen as well. 25 00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:25,280 Speaker 1: When I'm sitting down with someone that people may not 26 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 1: expect me to sit with, when I'm having conversations that 27 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,480 Speaker 1: people don't expect me to have, or when I'm recording 28 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 1: an episode like one of these where I'm tackling a 29 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,840 Speaker 1: difficult topic. Thank you for seeing me, thank you for 30 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:39,600 Speaker 1: hearing me out. I'm so grateful to you. And today's 31 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:44,280 Speaker 1: episode is something that I've been thinking about for a 32 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: long time. And what's really interesting about it is that 33 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,200 Speaker 1: I'm meeting so many people who keep asking me, Jay, 34 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,960 Speaker 1: I want to save my relationship, Jay, I want to 35 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,040 Speaker 1: you know, I want to stop ruining my relationship. I 36 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship based on my behavior, 37 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: based on the way I talk to my partner, the 38 00:02:05,360 --> 00:02:07,960 Speaker 1: way I talk about my partner. And we may not 39 00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:09,919 Speaker 1: say I want to save my relationship or I want 40 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,280 Speaker 1: to stop ruining it, but I think we all recognize 41 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,680 Speaker 1: that we want our relationships to be better. We want 42 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,400 Speaker 1: our relationships to improve, and we want to be in 43 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:21,160 Speaker 1: a position where we're not feeling like we're the one 44 00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:25,320 Speaker 1: taking our relationship a few steps backwards. Right, Maybe you 45 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: felt before that you said something and you're like, that 46 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,040 Speaker 1: just set me back two years, or maybe you did 47 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: something and you're like, oh, that just set us back 48 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,079 Speaker 1: a few months. I thought we were out of that place. 49 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,600 Speaker 1: I thought I was out of that place. And so 50 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,520 Speaker 1: today I want to give you some steps and strategies 51 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:47,080 Speaker 1: as to how we cause issues in our relationships and 52 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,560 Speaker 1: how we can actually better communicate them. I don't think 53 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,880 Speaker 1: having challenges and issues is abnormal. I would actually say 54 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: that it's more normal. But I think the way we 55 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,400 Speaker 1: communicate them, and the way we make our partners aware, 56 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: the way we carry that awareness, makes a big difference 57 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 1: as to how that becomes an argument and a disagreement 58 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:15,320 Speaker 1: versus a healthy discussion, a debate, or a curiosity. And 59 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:18,280 Speaker 1: I think that's what I find so fascinating about relationships 60 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:21,240 Speaker 1: is that you can have the same conversation, but one 61 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:25,320 Speaker 1: can be with affection and still be assertive, and one 62 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: can be full of argumentative, poorly articulated points of view. 63 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 1: So one of the first ways that we begin to 64 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,000 Speaker 1: ruin relationships, and if we want to save ours, what 65 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: we need to be really mindful of is don't assume 66 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: someone's behavior makes them the same as someone you were 67 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:50,640 Speaker 1: with before. Often when we see similar behavior patterns, we 68 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,520 Speaker 1: assume that the current person is doing it for the 69 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:58,840 Speaker 1: same reasons as the person we were with before. So 70 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:03,040 Speaker 1: let's say, for example, or this person goes really quiet 71 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:06,440 Speaker 1: when you have an argument. Now, your last partner went quiet, 72 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: but eventually you figured out that's because they didn't care. 73 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 1: Now with this partner, when they go quiet, you think 74 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,480 Speaker 1: they must be going quiet because they don't care. Right, 75 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,159 Speaker 1: It's very normal as humans to draw that parallel, to 76 00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,360 Speaker 1: connect the dots, to feel that's the pattern. Let me 77 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: take another example. Maybe this partner of yours, Let's say 78 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,200 Speaker 1: they always forget to take the trash out, or they 79 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:32,680 Speaker 1: forget to stock up the refrigerator when they've finished something right, 80 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 1: a daily thing that could happen. Now, your last partner 81 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: did that, and what you figured out eventually is that 82 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:42,359 Speaker 1: they were not very thoughtful, that they were not conscientious. 83 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,279 Speaker 1: And with this partner, maybe they're busy, maybe they've just 84 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,159 Speaker 1: had a lot going on. Maybe they have done it 85 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,159 Speaker 1: before and right now they're just going through a really 86 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:52,960 Speaker 1: tough time. What I find is that when we assume, 87 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,160 Speaker 1: when we believe we know why our partner is acting 88 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:02,240 Speaker 1: the way they're acting, we're basing it on previous experience. 89 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 1: Not only is this a very normal and coherent thing 90 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 1: to do, it's expected for us to do, but it 91 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: sets us up for failure because A you never get 92 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,960 Speaker 1: to know the intentions of the person you're currently with. 93 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:20,159 Speaker 1: B the last person is somewhat irrelevant and insignificant to 94 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 1: this relationship, and three you stop being curious and you 95 00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 1: come to a conclusion. Whenever we stop becoming curious with 96 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:34,240 Speaker 1: our partners and we draw conclusions without information, without insight, 97 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 1: without data, without questions, we are setting our relationship up 98 00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: to fail. We're going to struggle to save that kind 99 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: of a relationship because we've already made our mind up 100 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,360 Speaker 1: as to why someone behaves the way they do. Now, 101 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:52,760 Speaker 1: let's say it is their reason. Maybe it is their 102 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,920 Speaker 1: reason right, Maybe that is why they are behaving that way, 103 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: but it's really important to check. So in that situation, 104 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 1: it's so important to go up to someone and say, hey, 105 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,600 Speaker 1: I noticed that you've done this or done this, or 106 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,440 Speaker 1: I've noticed that you go quiet during an argument? Can 107 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: you tell me why that is? 108 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 2: Now? 109 00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,560 Speaker 1: Notice how different that is to the question we usually ask. 110 00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,880 Speaker 1: The question we usually ask is why do you go 111 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:19,000 Speaker 1: so quiet? You probably don't care? Right, that projection of 112 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:22,279 Speaker 1: the previous person not only is existing in our mind 113 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:26,200 Speaker 1: and our belief system, it's actually articulated them. You probably 114 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,320 Speaker 1: don't care. That's where you go quiet. Now what does 115 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: that do? That sets off alarm bells for them? And 116 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,760 Speaker 1: they go, well, no, no, no, I do care. I'm not 117 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,640 Speaker 1: going quiet. Why would you think that? Right? And now 118 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 1: you've started going down a route that doesn't solve the problem. 119 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:41,200 Speaker 1: The problem was they go silent. The problem wasn't that 120 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,279 Speaker 1: they go silent because they don't care. So saying to 121 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,800 Speaker 1: someone you're always so quiet, you don't care about me, 122 00:06:47,279 --> 00:06:50,040 Speaker 1: versus saying to them, I noticed and observed that you 123 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 1: often go quiet when we're having a tough discussion or 124 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:57,520 Speaker 1: having an argument. What's your reasoning? Where does that come from? 125 00:06:57,640 --> 00:06:59,960 Speaker 1: Now that person may not have an answer straight away. 126 00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,679 Speaker 1: They may not even be aware of why they go quiet. 127 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:04,919 Speaker 1: They may not even be aware that they do go 128 00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: quiet and This is what I find is so common 129 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:12,480 Speaker 1: in relationships that we don't have that awareness, we don't 130 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,560 Speaker 1: have that consciousness, and we don't recognize that. Sometimes people 131 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: are so unaware of their own behavior, and we don't 132 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: give them time, we don't give them space, we don't 133 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:26,640 Speaker 1: give them an opportunity to articulate that or become conscious. 134 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 1: So they may say I don't go quiet, and we go, yes, 135 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: you do. Here are three examples of when you quiet. Now, 136 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: what have we're done? We've put them on the defensive. 137 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,680 Speaker 1: What we've done, We've made them feel inadequate, And what 138 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,240 Speaker 1: have we done We've made them feel like they don't 139 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: know themselves. Rather than saying, well, think about it for 140 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: a certain amount time, I'd love to hear how you 141 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,160 Speaker 1: feel you deal with arguments. Notice how different that is 142 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:50,200 Speaker 1: now when we want that immediate instant response to feel better, 143 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 1: this is the question we have to ask ourselves. Are 144 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,840 Speaker 1: we trying to feel better about ourselves in the moment? 145 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: Is that why we're arguing? Or are we trying to 146 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,760 Speaker 1: solve the root of the issue. And I find that 147 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:05,400 Speaker 1: those two questions will very quickly let you decipher whether 148 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:07,680 Speaker 1: you're going to win or whether you're going to lose. 149 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:10,120 Speaker 1: If you're trying to figure out how to solve the 150 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:12,920 Speaker 1: real problem, you are always going to win. If you're 151 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,360 Speaker 1: trying to feel better in the moment, you are likely 152 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:19,320 Speaker 1: to create more long term issues. Please use that check 153 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: in question. My wife, Radi's cookbook is launching on February 154 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,800 Speaker 1: twenty seventh. It's called Joyful and will help you cook 155 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: plant based dishes effortlessly. I'm so excited for her recipes 156 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 1: to be in your hands so you can make them 157 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:35,920 Speaker 1: in your home for the people you love the most, 158 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: and it would mean the. 159 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 2: World to me. 160 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 1: If you go to joy f U l lBook dot 161 00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:45,760 Speaker 1: com to pre order now for an exclusive video and 162 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:49,760 Speaker 1: the daily wellness guide for free made by Radi. Again, 163 00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:55,640 Speaker 1: that's Joyful book dot com, joy f U l lBook 164 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: dot com and you get your free daily wellness guide 165 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:06,839 Speaker 1: made by now. Point number two. Don't fill in uncertainties mentally. 166 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,120 Speaker 1: This is often similar to the first idea, but now 167 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,080 Speaker 1: it's not based on someone you dated in the past. 168 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,360 Speaker 1: It's based on your own imagination. So don't fill in 169 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:20,880 Speaker 1: uncertainties mentally. We project our insecurities onto someone else. I'll 170 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:24,000 Speaker 1: give an example. Let's say you just got your hair done, 171 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,319 Speaker 1: or let's say you just tried a new hairstyle, or 172 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 1: let's say you bought a new top or skirt, or 173 00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: you bought a new pair of jeans, or you bought 174 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:36,199 Speaker 1: whatever it is, right, and this applies to everyone of 175 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:39,440 Speaker 1: all genders. And you're hoping that when you walk through 176 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:41,959 Speaker 1: the door or when you're ready for date night, your 177 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: partner's going to say, you look amazing, you look great. Oh, 178 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: I love that new fit on you. I love that 179 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,000 Speaker 1: new jacket on you, and you're waiting for it, whatever 180 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,559 Speaker 1: it may be. You're waiting for that compliment. Now they 181 00:09:51,559 --> 00:09:54,520 Speaker 1: don't say it, and in your head do you start thinking, Oh, 182 00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:57,520 Speaker 1: they don't think I'm cute anymore, they're not attracted to 183 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,280 Speaker 1: me anymore, or maybe the hair doesn't look good. I 184 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 1: was wrong, Oh I should have told their address. So 185 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: I didn't want to try this out. Maybe they're attracted 186 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: to someone else, Maybe they're not into me anymore. Right, So, 187 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 1: what we've done is we had an expectation that we 188 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 1: never communicated based on something that we thought about. We 189 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,920 Speaker 1: now when that expectation is not met, we are filling 190 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:25,400 Speaker 1: that space between our expectation and what we received with 191 00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:30,720 Speaker 1: mental chatter based on our insecurities. There is no fact there, 192 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: there is no checking there again, and what does that do. 193 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:39,000 Speaker 1: It starts to paint a narrative about your relationship that 194 00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:43,200 Speaker 1: is only based on your imagination, your opinion. So you're 195 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,280 Speaker 1: now painting a whole narrative about how someone feels about 196 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: you without even knowing anything, based on a inaction. The 197 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,439 Speaker 1: idea is they didn't say anything and that has made 198 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:59,160 Speaker 1: you think something. Notice how we wouldn't allow that to 199 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,440 Speaker 1: happen to our friend. If our friend did that, we'd say, 200 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:04,320 Speaker 1: well that you don't know if that's true, Like, hey, 201 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,959 Speaker 1: your hair does look good, and you know, hey, I 202 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,720 Speaker 1: didn't even notice that you had your head done right. 203 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,760 Speaker 1: I've got so much going on. Maybe they missed out. 204 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 1: But when it comes to our own lives, we just assume. 205 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:14,640 Speaker 1: And by the way, we do this in multiple relationships, 206 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,480 Speaker 1: not just romantic ones. At work, your boss doesn't say 207 00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: you did well at work, straight away, we're like, oh, 208 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 1: I'm not getting promoted, I'm getting fired. Right, they didn't 209 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:24,560 Speaker 1: talk about me at lunch. I saw them talk about 210 00:11:24,559 --> 00:11:27,600 Speaker 1: someone else. And all of a sudden, we're assuming, and 211 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,959 Speaker 1: we're filling the gaps in with our own mental insecurity 212 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:35,000 Speaker 1: and mental chatter. So all of that being said, what 213 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:37,240 Speaker 1: do we do. Imagine you sat down with your partner 214 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,560 Speaker 1: and said to them in the car. Usually what happens 215 00:11:40,559 --> 00:11:43,320 Speaker 1: in the car is you're then silent with them because 216 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,839 Speaker 1: they didn't say anything. You're upset with them. They're wondering 217 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: what's going on with you? And they're like, hey, I 218 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,720 Speaker 1: thought we were excited about tonight. What's going on? And 219 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:52,600 Speaker 1: you're like, oh, nothing, it doesn't matter. And they're like, no, no, no, 220 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 1: tell me what happened. And you're like, oh, it doesn't matter. 221 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,360 Speaker 1: And then you're like, god, you just never noticed me anymore. 222 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,000 Speaker 1: I feel like you don't love me anymore. Right, you 223 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,200 Speaker 1: make a statement that is so overarching that then they go, no, 224 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,440 Speaker 1: of course I love you. I think you're beautiful, and 225 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 1: they're like when Then you're like, well, why didn't you 226 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,760 Speaker 1: tell me? Then? Right now, the conversation sounds irrational. You know, 227 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,400 Speaker 1: you sound irrational, but you got to stick to it, right, 228 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,800 Speaker 1: You got to stick to your irrationality because you've gone 229 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: down that road. Now, let's talk about how that conversation 230 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,719 Speaker 1: could have been handled differently. Maybe you say to them, hey, 231 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,240 Speaker 1: I want to share with you. And this is a 232 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,760 Speaker 1: tool that I love in coaching and it also comes 233 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,600 Speaker 1: up in therapy is talking to someone about the expectation 234 00:12:27,679 --> 00:12:29,960 Speaker 1: you had and how you feel. So saying to your partner, hey, 235 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: so I came down with the expectation that I felt 236 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,560 Speaker 1: like I looked great and I wanted to do that 237 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,560 Speaker 1: for you. And when you didn't tell me that I 238 00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,880 Speaker 1: looked beautiful, I felt like maybe you didn't like what 239 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 1: I was wearing, and I just wanted to hear how 240 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,560 Speaker 1: you felt about it. I just wanted to hear your thoughts. 241 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,640 Speaker 1: And then your party gets to say, you know what, actually, 242 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,079 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I've just had so much on a 243 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:53,640 Speaker 1: work right now at a really crazy day. I'm really 244 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 1: excited for date night, but I wasn't in the zone. 245 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:58,280 Speaker 1: Or they get to say, hey, you know what, actually 246 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 1: I'm not sure I loved that jacket, but I love 247 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,760 Speaker 1: it for you. And now you've got to realize that 248 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,720 Speaker 1: that's what a good, healthy conversation looks like. Right. You 249 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,199 Speaker 1: don't want your partner to lie to you and say 250 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,000 Speaker 1: that they love your new hair or love whatever it is, 251 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 1: just to make you feel better. But sometimes we pressurize 252 00:13:11,559 --> 00:13:13,840 Speaker 1: our partners, and we pressurize the people in our lives 253 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,240 Speaker 1: to tell us they love everything we do because we're 254 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,520 Speaker 1: not open to that feedback. We're not opening curious to 255 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,400 Speaker 1: what they actually think. So I want you to again 256 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:26,240 Speaker 1: check check before you fill the gaps with your insecurities. Now, 257 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,800 Speaker 1: point number three, how do you save any relationship and 258 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,120 Speaker 1: stop ruining it based on your past. One of the 259 00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,360 Speaker 1: biggest mistakes we make, or the way we ruin relationships 260 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,559 Speaker 1: is we all have a long list of needs. They 261 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:42,200 Speaker 1: may be compliments, It may be reassurance. It may be 262 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,960 Speaker 1: advice on our new startup. It may be investment advice, 263 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,960 Speaker 1: maybe money advice. It may be advice on dealing with 264 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 1: our parents. Often, the way I see it is, especially 265 00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:55,360 Speaker 1: when I'm coaching clients and working with people, a lot 266 00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:59,560 Speaker 1: of people want their partner to be their therapist, their coach, 267 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:04,559 Speaker 1: their business partner, and their friend. Sometimes even their mom 268 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,160 Speaker 1: and their dad. Right, a lot of us want our 269 00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,280 Speaker 1: partners to be our therapists, our coaches, our business partners, 270 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,640 Speaker 1: our friends, and potentially even act like our parents. 271 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 2: Sometimes. Now, what does that do? 272 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:18,720 Speaker 1: First of all, no one has the ability to be 273 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: all of those and second of all, even those people 274 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,520 Speaker 1: don't have the ability to be those things perfectly. 275 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:24,000 Speaker 2: Right. 276 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: Our parents aren't perfect, our friends aren't perfect. A business 277 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: partner's not perfect. Even a therapist and a coach are 278 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:32,960 Speaker 1: not perfect. So not only is it impossible for even 279 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,440 Speaker 1: those professions to play those roles perfectly, we're now expecting 280 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:43,480 Speaker 1: one person to perfectly play five roles that are individually 281 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:48,240 Speaker 1: extremely difficult. A therapist takes years of training, coaches take 282 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: years of great training right, businesses take years of great practice, 283 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,800 Speaker 1: a friend takes years to build, and parents, of course, 284 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,120 Speaker 1: I mean that can take decades to get right. But 285 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 1: it's really fascinating that we have a long list of 286 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,880 Speaker 1: needs and we want our partner to not only be 287 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 1: able to play one of them, we want them to 288 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,920 Speaker 1: be able to adapt. And by the way, I didn't 289 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,120 Speaker 1: even say partner yet, we want them to be our 290 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: husband or our wife, right, we want them to play 291 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,760 Speaker 1: that role too, and we want them to be a 292 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: perfect dad or mom or parent or whatever it may be. 293 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,400 Speaker 1: So just think about how many roles we're expected to play, 294 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: and maybe your partner is the person who expects it 295 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 1: of you, And think about how many roles you're expecting 296 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,400 Speaker 1: your partner to play. So here's how I want you 297 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,560 Speaker 1: to think about it. I love this tool, and I 298 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: recommend doing it right now. I want you to write 299 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: down everything you love doing and everything you love feeling. 300 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,200 Speaker 1: So you may say I love going to watch basketball. 301 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:47,200 Speaker 1: You may say I love feeling reassured. Right, what are 302 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,600 Speaker 1: the things that you want from other people? 303 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:49,800 Speaker 2: Now? 304 00:15:49,840 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: First of all, I'm going to remind you I want 305 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 1: you to do those things with yourself. I am going 306 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: to double down on the solitude point. Take yourself to 307 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,840 Speaker 1: a basketball game, give yourself compliments, reassure yourself. 308 00:15:58,840 --> 00:15:59,280 Speaker 2: For sure. 309 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,760 Speaker 1: There are other episodes on that, and Eight Rules of 310 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 1: Love dives deeply into that in chapter one. But in 311 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:05,960 Speaker 1: this episode, I want to talk to you about this 312 00:16:06,040 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 1: idea of have a list of things that you really 313 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,240 Speaker 1: want to feel and do in life, and I want 314 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: you to write the name of a different person next 315 00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:17,560 Speaker 1: to each of those. So for basketball, you're like, all right, yeah, 316 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,680 Speaker 1: my friend loves basketball, great, Okay, I want to go 317 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,440 Speaker 1: watch dance performances or which one of my friends loves dance? 318 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 2: Okay? 319 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: Perfect, Okay. I want to feel confident and reassured. Okay, 320 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: which one of my friends makes me feel that way, 321 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,200 Speaker 1: or maybe my sister makes me feel that way. Okay, great, 322 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 1: now I want to feel complimented. Oh I don't get 323 00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,640 Speaker 1: compliments from anyone actually, or I'm going to compliment myself first, 324 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,320 Speaker 1: but I would love to receive them from my partner. 325 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 1: So what you do is you start finding different people 326 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,200 Speaker 1: in your life that play different roles, some for business advice, 327 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 1: some for life advice, some to just hear your pains, 328 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 1: whatever it may be. And the beauty of that is 329 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: you start recognizing that you have so many other people 330 00:16:56,040 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: in your circle. And if you start recognizing you don't 331 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: have people in your circle, you are now very accountable 332 00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,320 Speaker 1: to go and build those relationships. When we don't want 333 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: to be accountable for building these relationships, we make our 334 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 1: partners accountable to fill that gap that ruins relationships rather 335 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,199 Speaker 1: than going I love my sister for this, I love 336 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,919 Speaker 1: my mom for this, I love my partner for this, 337 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,240 Speaker 1: I love this for this, whatever it may be, right 338 00:17:22,920 --> 00:17:26,360 Speaker 1: finding people like, for example, my wife loves high intensity workouts. 339 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,720 Speaker 1: I really don't like high intensity workouts, and if my 340 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,320 Speaker 1: wife wanted to do that with me, I wouldn't be 341 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:32,360 Speaker 1: able to keep up with her, I wouldn't be able 342 00:17:32,359 --> 00:17:35,000 Speaker 1: to fulfill that need. Right there are something she wants 343 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,399 Speaker 1: to talk to her sister around. I wants to talk 344 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,760 Speaker 1: to her best friend about. I wants to talk to 345 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,040 Speaker 1: her mom about that isn't interesting. Like her mum and 346 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,359 Speaker 1: her will talk about what they eat every day and 347 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,439 Speaker 1: what they're making for food and all the rest of it, 348 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,359 Speaker 1: and that's awesome, but I'm not the person to had 349 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,280 Speaker 1: that conversation. Similarly, I may want to have a certain 350 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: conversation about a topic which is about how we present, 351 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,719 Speaker 1: how we feel and what we think about, and that 352 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 1: may not be the conversation that I'm having with her. 353 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:58,919 Speaker 2: I'm having it with one of my friends. 354 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,600 Speaker 1: Take a list of everything you want to do and 355 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: everything you want to feel, and find people. It may 356 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,200 Speaker 1: be your friend who loves adventure vacations, your friend who 357 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 1: loves music concerts. Right like expanding that social network to 358 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 1: feel that social strength. Point number four is something I 359 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,680 Speaker 1: repeat in my book, but I still feel it needs 360 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,560 Speaker 1: to be reseaid because it needs to be refined in 361 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,120 Speaker 1: order to have a healthy relationship, in order to save 362 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,359 Speaker 1: a relationship, in order to know whether a relationship is 363 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,600 Speaker 1: going to last you have to ask yourself three questions. 364 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,800 Speaker 1: Do I like their personality? What I mean by that 365 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,240 Speaker 1: is if you ask someone what they like to do, 366 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,320 Speaker 1: they may say they like traveling. Now, you may like 367 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 1: traveling too, But the question is do you like their 368 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,479 Speaker 1: personality and how they talk about traveling. So if they 369 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 1: were like, well, where have you been, and you're like, oh, well, 370 00:18:42,359 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 1: last year, I just went to one place and they're like, 371 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,280 Speaker 1: only one place I went to like seven last year, like, 372 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:50,160 Speaker 1: come on, their personality is ego and arrogance. In that moment, 373 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,879 Speaker 1: of course, I'm using a very simple example. Their personality 374 00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,520 Speaker 1: is and that they like to travel. You may say, oh, 375 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,720 Speaker 1: they like to travel, We're they're same. No, they just 376 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:00,119 Speaker 1: demonstrated to you that they have pride and eed go 377 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,000 Speaker 1: around how they travel. 378 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 2: Do you like that? 379 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,360 Speaker 1: That's what you're thinking about when you're thinking about personality. 380 00:19:05,760 --> 00:19:09,879 Speaker 1: The second question is do you respect their values? This 381 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:13,800 Speaker 1: is a really critical one because when I say do 382 00:19:13,800 --> 00:19:16,439 Speaker 1: you respect someone's values, that means you don't want to 383 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 1: change them. If you respects someone's values, it means you 384 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: don't have to value what they value, and you're not 385 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,440 Speaker 1: expecting your partner to value what you value. You want 386 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:28,960 Speaker 1: them to respect what you value. I love that one 387 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,800 Speaker 1: of my wife's values is she loves healthy eating. 388 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:32,840 Speaker 2: I respect that. 389 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:36,000 Speaker 1: I value it for myself too, but I respect it 390 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:40,320 Speaker 1: first in her. I respect that to her, her workout 391 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,520 Speaker 1: is a non negotiable for me, even though I respect that. 392 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,520 Speaker 1: Sometimes my workout is negotiable because of how much I 393 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:49,879 Speaker 1: have going on and some other priorities that I have. 394 00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: So I can't expect her to devaluate because I may 395 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,280 Speaker 1: devalue it sometimes, and she can't expect me to value 396 00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,440 Speaker 1: it to the same level as hers. 397 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,040 Speaker 2: We have to resc respect each other's values. 398 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: And what I find so often is we actually want 399 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,760 Speaker 1: our partners to value what we value. We want them 400 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:09,120 Speaker 1: to like what we like, which isn't really the case 401 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,280 Speaker 1: for a good relationship. And finally, do we want to 402 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,159 Speaker 1: help people towards their goals or do we want to 403 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,960 Speaker 1: change their goals? You will ruin a relationship if you 404 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,440 Speaker 1: want to change someone's values, or if you want them 405 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,119 Speaker 1: to value what you value. They should respect what you value, 406 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,480 Speaker 1: but you can't force them to value it, and you 407 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,400 Speaker 1: can't force them to change their goals. If you think 408 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:28,639 Speaker 1: your partner isn't ambitious enough. If you think your partner 409 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,359 Speaker 1: isn't something else enough, whatever it is that they're not 410 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,800 Speaker 1: enough of, it's going to be very unlikely that they 411 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:41,359 Speaker 1: make a drastic, drastic change. So point number five, this 412 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:45,840 Speaker 1: is probably my number one thing, and it's what I 413 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:49,879 Speaker 1: experienced with my wife Radi that transformed how I felt 414 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:56,440 Speaker 1: about this. Remember, this criticism doesn't help change coaching does. 415 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:00,679 Speaker 1: I found when I was in relationships that a lot 416 00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,080 Speaker 1: of people were very critical. They'd be critical of how 417 00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:05,679 Speaker 1: I spent my time, They'd be critical of what I 418 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:07,760 Speaker 1: like doing, They'd be critical of what I was wearing, 419 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,480 Speaker 1: whatever it may be. Now, Radi may sometimes do that, 420 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:13,720 Speaker 1: but Radi was one of the first people that I 421 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:17,639 Speaker 1: ever met that didn't criticize me about my habits, about 422 00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:22,680 Speaker 1: my way of living, about my approach. There was coaching, 423 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:26,000 Speaker 1: there was opportunities, there was questions, there was curiosity, but 424 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,000 Speaker 1: there wasn't criticism. I find a lot of us who 425 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,920 Speaker 1: ruin relationships, and if you want to save a relationship, 426 00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:34,639 Speaker 1: remove criticism. So many of us will go up to 427 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 1: our partners and go, why do you always do this? 428 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:37,439 Speaker 1: Why do you never do this? 429 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:37,880 Speaker 2: Right? 430 00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: The words always never are not factual. They're subjective. We 431 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: always say things like, oh, you need to stop doing this, 432 00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: Can you just stop? Like why do you do this? Right, 433 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 1: it's criticism. Oh I really don't like it when you 434 00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,680 Speaker 1: do that. Oh I really don't appreciate that. Right, there's 435 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:57,960 Speaker 1: so much criticism, and criticism puts someone on the defensive. 436 00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 1: It makes someone feel less than, It makes someone feel inadequate. 437 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 1: It completely makes someone feel like you don't believe they 438 00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:11,159 Speaker 1: can change. Now you may say, oh no, no, my 439 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,959 Speaker 1: partner's tough, they know they can change. No, I promise you. 440 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:20,080 Speaker 1: I promise you. You can discourage, dishearten, and put someone 441 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,679 Speaker 1: in a disconnect from change just through criticism. 442 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:24,720 Speaker 2: Think about children. 443 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:26,800 Speaker 1: All of us have a little child in us that 444 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:31,440 Speaker 1: was criticized too much, that heard too much negativity growing up, 445 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,560 Speaker 1: that was told there, we won't be anything. And when 446 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,240 Speaker 1: we hear that from our partner, gosh, there's that trigger. Right, 447 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,199 Speaker 1: That's what triggers, is that little self inside of you. 448 00:22:40,560 --> 00:22:42,440 Speaker 1: So you may say, no, my partner's grown, they can 449 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 1: handle it. I promise you. No matter how emotionally intelligent 450 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,520 Speaker 1: or how emotionally aware someone is, if they are criticized 451 00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,520 Speaker 1: about something, it takes them right back there. And what 452 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 1: does criticism do. It makes someone act out like a child. 453 00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,760 Speaker 1: It makes them go right back to that, and now 454 00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,800 Speaker 1: they're going to behave in a childlike way, or actually 455 00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:03,760 Speaker 1: rather a childish way, and now it's harder for them 456 00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,240 Speaker 1: to change rather than in an adult way. If you 457 00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:08,639 Speaker 1: said to them, hey, what's blocking you? What are you 458 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:12,800 Speaker 1: struggling with right now? I've noticed that there's. 459 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,639 Speaker 2: Something on your mind. What's going on? Talk to me. 460 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:17,600 Speaker 1: I'm up for it, let's discuss it. That kind of 461 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:22,160 Speaker 1: approach is more of a coach approach than a criticism approach, saying, hey, look, 462 00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,880 Speaker 1: I've noticed that it's been hard for you to get 463 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:26,560 Speaker 1: around to this or get around to that, like. 464 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 2: What's going on? Talk to me? 465 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,280 Speaker 1: And often you'll find that that person, and this is 466 00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 1: zero point six, they don't know how to open up 467 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 1: because they see opening up as a weakness. And then 468 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,359 Speaker 1: we see that as like, oh, my partner doesn't want 469 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:40,520 Speaker 1: to open up. My partner doesn't want to talk about 470 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:44,159 Speaker 1: their feelings. Well, guess what chances are because they're scared 471 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,160 Speaker 1: that if they share how they feel, it makes them 472 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 1: appear weak. There's something known as the John Wayne syndrome 473 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:56,800 Speaker 1: or the hero complex, and it's something that stops people 474 00:23:56,960 --> 00:24:02,920 Speaker 1: from responding effectively and they're ability to engage in challenging 475 00:24:02,920 --> 00:24:06,399 Speaker 1: conversations or even challenging tasks. And it comes from the 476 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:09,359 Speaker 1: idea that people believe they need to be bulletproof, or 477 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:11,560 Speaker 1: they need to be perfect, or they need to be 478 00:24:12,040 --> 00:24:16,320 Speaker 1: fully stoic or strong. There's a line that was said 479 00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:20,119 Speaker 1: by John Wayne that kind of coined this, never apologize, mister, 480 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 1: it's a sign of weakness. 481 00:24:22,359 --> 00:24:23,080 Speaker 2: John Wayne. 482 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:29,159 Speaker 1: Under direction, John Ford said this phrase as Captain Nathan 483 00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:32,440 Speaker 1: Brittles in the nineteen forty nine Western she wore a 484 00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: yellow ribbon. I'll say it again, never apologize, mister, or 485 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:39,239 Speaker 1: it's a sign of weakness. Notice how that sets in 486 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,960 Speaker 1: itself an idea that, oh, if I apologize, it makes 487 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 1: me look weak. And I know my partner doesn't like 488 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,159 Speaker 1: weakness because they expect me to be perfect and strong, 489 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,439 Speaker 1: and so I won't go there. This has kind of 490 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:54,560 Speaker 1: penetrated itself through society where we find that men are 491 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,840 Speaker 1: often given this again, they're also given the criticism that 492 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,440 Speaker 1: not only do they not open up, that men don't 493 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,600 Speaker 1: like to open up. This rhetoric, this narrative creates a 494 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:07,479 Speaker 1: reality where men then struggle to open up, and you know, 495 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,560 Speaker 1: people will say things like I don't know what he's 496 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,440 Speaker 1: thinking because he never tells me what's going on. And 497 00:25:12,720 --> 00:25:16,560 Speaker 1: I Village did a study where they found forty two 498 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,600 Speaker 1: percent of women have a hard time getting their partner 499 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,439 Speaker 1: to share their feelings, and when that happens, they often 500 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:26,280 Speaker 1: feel shut out and misunderstood. What I've really found is 501 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,520 Speaker 1: that people are scared of rejection and not being received. 502 00:25:29,840 --> 00:25:32,159 Speaker 1: They don't want to be seen as weak. They're scared 503 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,680 Speaker 1: that they may be criticized in the future. So here's 504 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,280 Speaker 1: how it's going down in someone's mind. They say sorry, 505 00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:40,440 Speaker 1: or they express that, hey, I'm really struggling with this, 506 00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:43,520 Speaker 1: and now they feel that you're going to use it 507 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,000 Speaker 1: in another argument where it's like, look, you can even 508 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,120 Speaker 1: deal with that, Now you can't deal with this. They're 509 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:52,639 Speaker 1: scared of that weakness being exposed and re exposed again 510 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 1: and again and again. Our partners want to know that 511 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,199 Speaker 1: we're happy with them. Our partners want to know that 512 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,159 Speaker 1: we're pleased with them. Our partners want to know what 513 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:02,520 Speaker 1: they get right. You may say we're adults, they should 514 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,240 Speaker 1: know it. Come on, they don't need to hear it. 515 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,119 Speaker 1: I promise you. We're all children inside. We all have 516 00:26:07,119 --> 00:26:09,960 Speaker 1: a little child inside of still wanting us to know that. Hey, 517 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:13,040 Speaker 1: I'm really proud of you. Hey, I really appreciate you. 518 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,639 Speaker 1: And you may think that sounds patronizing, but I promise 519 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:16,720 Speaker 1: you need it as well. 520 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:17,879 Speaker 2: I'm proud of you. 521 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: I see you, I really appreciate you. I really notice 522 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,679 Speaker 1: in love when you do that. Thank you for doing that. 523 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,000 Speaker 1: And I know you struggle with this, and I'm happy 524 00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,240 Speaker 1: to figure out with you and understand why. That's how 525 00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:34,120 Speaker 1: you talk to someone you love, not criticism, and point 526 00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:40,240 Speaker 1: number seven. Criticism often is linked with comparison. Sometimes we 527 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,800 Speaker 1: don't criticize directly, we criticize indirectly, which comes in the 528 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:44,840 Speaker 1: form of comparison. 529 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,040 Speaker 2: Oh did you see what they did? Oh my gosh, 530 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,480 Speaker 2: their vacation looked amazing. Oh my god. Did you see 531 00:26:49,520 --> 00:26:52,119 Speaker 2: the ring that he got a Wow, that's incredible. Oh 532 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:52,480 Speaker 2: my god. 533 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,640 Speaker 1: Did you see what she did for them on Valentine's say, 534 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: Oh that was beautiful. 535 00:26:56,560 --> 00:26:58,679 Speaker 2: Oh my god. Did you see what they did for 536 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:00,080 Speaker 2: his birthday? Oh? 537 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,520 Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. Right, we've all said things like that. 538 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:06,560 Speaker 1: There's a passive aggression of comparison. We are trying to 539 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:10,280 Speaker 1: make our partner get the message, and then a partner goes, oh, 540 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:11,000 Speaker 1: is that what you wanted? 541 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:12,600 Speaker 2: We're like, no, no, no, nothing like that. Right. 542 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:18,160 Speaker 1: Comparison pushes people away. It pushes people away because again 543 00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:20,720 Speaker 1: you've made your partner for more and more inadequate. And 544 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 1: number eight, this is a definite no no. If you 545 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,320 Speaker 1: want to save your relationship, stop doing this. Don't put 546 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,800 Speaker 1: them down in public. I've heard people say things as 547 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,480 Speaker 1: a joke, Oh, he doesn't know what he's doing in 548 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: his life right now. You know everyone struggles in that area. 549 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,160 Speaker 1: You say these statements that you think people can handle. Again, 550 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:38,879 Speaker 1: we keep saying, oh, yeah, they're an adult, they can 551 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,320 Speaker 1: deal with it. With our little child inside that remembers 552 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,719 Speaker 1: when we were ridiculed in public. It's going to make 553 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:47,480 Speaker 1: that person quieter, it's going to make them open up less. 554 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,520 Speaker 1: Oh he never opens up. He's not in touch with 555 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:54,720 Speaker 1: his feelings. Those statements push someone away. I'm sending you 556 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:57,120 Speaker 1: lots of love. I hope that this helps you save 557 00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,199 Speaker 1: your relationship. I hope it stops you from ruining a 558 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:04,199 Speaker 1: good one, and I hope it helps you build conscious communication. 559 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. Please do leave a review. 560 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:09,840 Speaker 1: It means the world. It makes a huge difference. I 561 00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:11,560 Speaker 1: know so many of you have been talking about so 562 00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,680 Speaker 1: many of the episodes recently. There's been amazing bars around 563 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:18,440 Speaker 1: the conversations the solos. Share this with a friend, Share 564 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,920 Speaker 1: this with a friend who you know may be struggling. 565 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:23,240 Speaker 1: Sending you a lot of love. Thank you so much.