1 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:05,760 Speaker 1: Hey, can I ask you? Can I ask you a question? 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,040 Speaker 1: When we were back in elementary school, because we go 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: way back, would you have ever thought that one day 4 00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:14,560 Speaker 1: I would have a podcast? 5 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:15,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? 6 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,320 Speaker 3: No, I would not say that I foresaw a future. 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:18,680 Speaker 2: For you, Johnny. 8 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:22,040 Speaker 1: Did you just say I didn't foresee a future for 9 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,640 Speaker 1: you or I didn't foresee that future for you? 10 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:26,720 Speaker 3: Oh, I'm at that future. 11 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: Did you really think I didn't have a future at all? 12 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: I was a good eater, stayed out of trouble, pretty 13 00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:42,800 Speaker 1: good at tether Ball, Remember from gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan 14 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: Goldstein and this is Heavyweight today's episode another roadside attraction. 15 00:00:54,720 --> 00:01:04,399 Speaker 1: Right after the break growing up, I spent a lot 16 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,840 Speaker 1: of time in bookstores. At twelve, it was the science 17 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: fiction section that called to me. At fourteen, the poetry section. 18 00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:15,920 Speaker 1: At fifteen, it was the biographies, so I could chart 19 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: the progress I was making towards greatness. If you're like me, 20 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 1: the mere act of being in a bookstore fills you 21 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,039 Speaker 1: with the kind of wonder and overwhelm that comes with 22 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,320 Speaker 1: looking at the stars at night. You feel the vastness, 23 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,679 Speaker 1: You feel your mortality. How much of this can I 24 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: possibly read in a lifetime, you ask, gazing at the shelves, 25 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:42,360 Speaker 1: and yet there's also this feeling of coziness. Books grant 26 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,160 Speaker 1: you access to the secret lives and thoughts of people 27 00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,920 Speaker 1: you'll never meet, but whom you grow to care about 28 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,480 Speaker 1: as you would close friends. And so in this spirit, 29 00:01:51,960 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 1: I present you a book in three chapters. Chapter one, Stephanie, So, 30 00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:02,560 Speaker 1: I grew. 31 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 4: Up in this little town outside of Austin called Dripping Springs. 32 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 4: We all call it Dripping Dripping for short, dripping. There's 33 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:14,040 Speaker 4: a spring that drips. It's a very conservative religious town. 34 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,520 Speaker 4: When I was growing up, this was a tiny town, 35 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,720 Speaker 4: like going out to people's land to hang out in 36 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:22,280 Speaker 4: the woods. 37 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:26,400 Speaker 1: As a teenager growing up in Dripping, there really wasn't 38 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,840 Speaker 1: much to do. So Stephanie started going to church multiple 39 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:32,200 Speaker 1: times a week and reading all the books she could 40 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 1: get her hands on. Church and books became her two 41 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:40,360 Speaker 1: great loves, and the two coexisted peacefully for years until 42 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:43,560 Speaker 1: the day her beloved church decided to ban one of 43 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:49,799 Speaker 1: her beloved books, Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale. 44 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 4: The reason it was they were trying to get it 45 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 4: banned was one scene in the book, maybe two paragraphs long, 46 00:02:56,960 --> 00:03:00,160 Speaker 4: and it is explicit, and it is an assault scene, 47 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,519 Speaker 4: and their reasoning was that young boys would be aroused. 48 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:06,720 Speaker 4: Nobody had read the book who was trying to get 49 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 4: a banned. I took it upon myself to write a 50 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:18,040 Speaker 4: speech like a manifesto against the censorship of The Handmaid's Tale. 51 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,639 Speaker 1: At her high school, Stephanie went from classroom to classroom 52 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,720 Speaker 1: reading her essay, and. 53 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:29,239 Speaker 4: Scott the church very very, very mad, and they became convinced, 54 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,640 Speaker 4: some of the leaders, that I was more or less 55 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,840 Speaker 4: being taken over by the devil. 56 00:03:36,080 --> 00:03:39,080 Speaker 1: The angrier of the church got, the more Stephanie started 57 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,680 Speaker 1: to realize that she didn't agree with a lot of 58 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:42,800 Speaker 1: what the church believed. 59 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,800 Speaker 4: I got into a pretty big argument about homosexuality in 60 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,560 Speaker 4: the Bible at the church, and at the time I 61 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 4: did not know that I wasn't straight, but I knew. 62 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 5: That I didn't agree with the church. 63 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:03,160 Speaker 4: I was questioning everything I'd ever known about religion and God, 64 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:09,640 Speaker 4: and I started having panic attacks multiple times a day. 65 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: It was during this uncertain period of searching that while 66 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:17,479 Speaker 1: out driving in her neighborhood, Stephanie noticed something new. A 67 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:21,200 Speaker 1: small house surrounded by lush gardens and a pond and 68 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:25,760 Speaker 1: most strikingly, atop the house's roof sat large scale replicas 69 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,479 Speaker 1: of books. 70 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 4: It felt like it fell out of the sky. I 71 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,040 Speaker 4: just remember when the sign went up. 72 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,920 Speaker 1: I was very curious, what did the sign say? 73 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 5: Another roadside attraction? 74 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,920 Speaker 1: Another roadside attraction, It turned out, was a bookstore tucked 75 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:53,000 Speaker 1: within a tiny house. Stephanie began to frequent it regularly, 76 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:57,479 Speaker 1: spending her babysitting money on Salinger and Vonnegut and Poe. 77 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,800 Speaker 1: There were no other bookstores in Dripping Springs at the 78 00:04:59,839 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: t barely any stores at all. It was as if 79 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,400 Speaker 1: the bookstore appeared in answer to some secret wish Stephanie 80 00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:06,840 Speaker 1: had made. 81 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:13,120 Speaker 4: It almost felt like magical realism, felt like opening a 82 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:16,839 Speaker 4: curtain and going into another world, and like the moment 83 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,640 Speaker 4: I stepped inside, it just felt like, I don't know, 84 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:22,719 Speaker 4: it just felt like I belonged there. I never felt 85 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:26,760 Speaker 4: like I fit in, And I think it was the 86 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 4: only place that I didn't feel judged, and it was 87 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:34,440 Speaker 4: the only place that I didn't feel panicked. It felt 88 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,120 Speaker 4: like a chapel almost. 89 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:42,320 Speaker 1: There was always incense burning inside and music playing there 90 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,560 Speaker 1: reminded Stephanie of the kind you'd hear in a spa 91 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:48,040 Speaker 1: It all added to the feeling of dreaminess, and I 92 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 1: would always. 93 00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 4: Kind of like shuffle past the register back to the 94 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,880 Speaker 4: fiction section, which was behind the comic books. All the 95 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,600 Speaker 4: books were wrapped in plastic. Practically, even if they were 96 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:02,760 Speaker 4: like a dollar, it was all empty. I think I 97 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,520 Speaker 4: can recall maybe one time when someone else was in 98 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 4: there besides me and the owner. 99 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:13,359 Speaker 1: The owner. The owner was a quiet, stoic man, always 100 00:06:13,400 --> 00:06:16,560 Speaker 1: seated behind the counter, always the only one on duty. 101 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 1: He became a source of fascination for Stephanie. 102 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 4: I admired him in a way because I just thought, like, 103 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:27,960 Speaker 4: anyone who has the guts to open a bookstore like 104 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,400 Speaker 4: this in a little town off this little road must 105 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:33,159 Speaker 4: be interesting. 106 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,520 Speaker 1: Did you ever speak to him? 107 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:36,120 Speaker 5: Not really. 108 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,640 Speaker 4: I would like put my book up on the counter 109 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 4: and put my money up, and then like run out. 110 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 5: I felt so. 111 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:48,520 Speaker 4: Nervous, but not in a bad way, crush like but 112 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 4: not romantic. I don't know if he knows, like how 113 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:01,960 Speaker 4: important that was to me, just to have these little 114 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 4: moments of peace. 115 00:07:03,839 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 5: I don't know, It's hard to explain. It just felt. 116 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,040 Speaker 4: It was a thing at a time where I really 117 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:13,680 Speaker 4: needed to feel like there was going to be a 118 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,040 Speaker 4: world outside of the one I was living in, where 119 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 4: I was going to be able to live a life 120 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:23,080 Speaker 4: separate from my hometown. It made me feel like the 121 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:30,800 Speaker 4: world was bigger and that there was something beyond what 122 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:31,800 Speaker 4: I was going through. 123 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,960 Speaker 1: Stephanie visited the bookstore all through the summer of her 124 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: sixteenth year, and then one day, without warning or notice, 125 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 1: another roadside attraction just vanished. 126 00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 4: Drove by and there was like a closed sign in 127 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:52,600 Speaker 4: the window, and just remember being like devastated. 128 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,360 Speaker 5: It was so. 129 00:07:54,840 --> 00:08:00,160 Speaker 4: Fleeting, it was just like it's gone. 130 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 1: Stephanie's now in her mid thirties, she's gotten beyond the 131 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 1: world of dripping springs. In fact, she just recently moved 132 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,480 Speaker 1: to la to pursue a career as a writer, but 133 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,440 Speaker 1: she continues to think about the little bookstore that served 134 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,120 Speaker 1: as her teenage refuge and about the man who opened it. 135 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 1: Did you get the guy's name? No, you don't even 136 00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 1: know his name. 137 00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 5: I don't know his name. 138 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: What did he look like? 139 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:28,240 Speaker 4: M It's sort of like when you have a dream 140 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,040 Speaker 4: and you you see someone, but you just see like 141 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 4: a figure. 142 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 5: That's my memory of him. 143 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,600 Speaker 1: Who was this man who opened a perfect place in 144 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:46,840 Speaker 1: a tiny town, who carefully placed each book in a 145 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,800 Speaker 1: plastic sleeve to keep it safe. 146 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 4: What led him to opening the bookstore? Why was it 147 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:57,200 Speaker 4: open and closed so quickly? I just want to know, 148 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,640 Speaker 4: like why dripping? Like why this little tiny town. 149 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:04,920 Speaker 1: Because she doesn't know the owner's name, Stephanie has tried 150 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,760 Speaker 1: googling the store over the years, but nothing much ever 151 00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,520 Speaker 1: comes up in the process, though she's realized that the 152 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:15,160 Speaker 1: name Another Roadside Attraction is the title of a book 153 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,040 Speaker 1: by Tom Robbins, an author she's come to love as 154 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:18,480 Speaker 1: an adult. 155 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:21,160 Speaker 5: And then I thought, maybe we have the same taste 156 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,280 Speaker 5: in literature. 157 00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:26,199 Speaker 1: The only other clue Stephanie's research has turned up is 158 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 1: an old business listing. It shows the store's address, she says, 159 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: but not much else. She pulls the page up. 160 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:33,520 Speaker 2: To share with me. 161 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,840 Speaker 5: Wait, there's a name here. 162 00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 1: And in so doing, Stephanie notices something at the bottom 163 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:44,240 Speaker 1: of the page. What is it? 164 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 2: Check? 165 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:46,680 Speaker 5: And there's an old phone number. 166 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 2: Two. 167 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,920 Speaker 1: Have you ever tried phoning the phone number? 168 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:50,040 Speaker 5: I haven't. 169 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:51,800 Speaker 1: Well, you know what we got to do? 170 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 5: Huh are you going to find him? 171 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 1: Well, we have to, gues I mean, I don't know. 172 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,840 Speaker 1: I'll try to. But why don't we try to phone 173 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: that number. Okay, okay, here we go, nervous. Hello, Hello, 174 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,720 Speaker 1: I'm not sure that I have the right phone number. 175 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:17,200 Speaker 1: I'm looking for someone who is the owner of a 176 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,319 Speaker 1: bookstore called Another Roadside Attraction. 177 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,480 Speaker 2: Nope, nope, sorry, you got the throwing number. 178 00:10:24,559 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 1: Is your name, Chepe number? Okay, okay, thank you so much. 179 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,640 Speaker 1: He was giving me the bums rush he was. 180 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,439 Speaker 5: He sounded like a Texan. 181 00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 1: And so, with our one lead deader than Texas buzzard bait, 182 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,440 Speaker 1: I let Stephanie go, telling her that once I'm able 183 00:10:45,440 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: to learn more, I'll be back in touch. But I 184 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,200 Speaker 1: won't be back in touch for another year and a 185 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,720 Speaker 1: half because, as it turns out, the story of Another 186 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: Roadside Attraction would prove to be far more complicated than 187 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: any I could have imagined. After Stephanie and I dialed 188 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 1: that wrong number, I found an address for Chat and 189 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,640 Speaker 1: sent him a letter, but I never got a response. 190 00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,280 Speaker 1: So I kept digging, and in the process I found 191 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:19,720 Speaker 1: Another Roadside Attractions old business registration. It was there that 192 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,559 Speaker 1: I learned the store was actually listed under two names, Chats, 193 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,679 Speaker 1: but also his wife, Pam's. I figured that through Pam 194 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: I'd be able to reach chat. So I found a 195 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,480 Speaker 1: mailing address for Pam and sent a letter to her 196 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:38,079 Speaker 1: home explaining the situation. And this time I received a response, 197 00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 1: an email with the subject line the story behind Another 198 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: roadside Attraction. But the email wasn't from Pam. It was 199 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:52,440 Speaker 1: from a woman named Megan Hi. Megan wrote, where do 200 00:11:52,600 --> 00:12:14,080 Speaker 1: I begin? Chapter two? Megan, Hello, this is Megan Hi. 201 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:15,640 Speaker 1: This is Jonathan Goldstein. 202 00:12:16,200 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 6: Hi. 203 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 3: Jonathan. 204 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:20,440 Speaker 1: Megan's a close friend of Pam's, and wrote me back 205 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,640 Speaker 1: on Pam's behalf. In my letter, I'd asked how I 206 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: could get in touch with Chet. I wanted to ask 207 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: him about the magical appearance and sudden disappearance of his bookstore, 208 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:34,840 Speaker 1: but Megan corrected me on this point. The bookstore was 209 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:39,320 Speaker 1: not Chet's. She said it was Pam's. That place was 210 00:12:39,360 --> 00:12:43,480 Speaker 1: her baby. Over several emails and a long phone call, 211 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: Megan would tell me the story of another roadside Attraction. 212 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:51,040 Speaker 1: In her telling, it's the story of Pam, a chronicle 213 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:54,800 Speaker 1: of her dream and its loss. Megan says she wishes 214 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,760 Speaker 1: she had a happier story to share, but it turns 215 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,960 Speaker 1: out that five years ago, died by suicide. Megan begins 216 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: the story many years earlier, back when she first met Pam. 217 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,800 Speaker 1: Megan was only twenty one at the time and Pam 218 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: about a decade older. The two worked as bank tellers together. 219 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,839 Speaker 3: It was a funny little bank, you know. 220 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 6: It was a single wide trailer that had been rocked in. 221 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,719 Speaker 6: We didn't wear shoes, you know. We would go back 222 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,720 Speaker 6: behind the teller line and not put shoes on, and 223 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,600 Speaker 6: sometimes we would walk out into the rest of the 224 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:27,760 Speaker 6: bank without shoes on. 225 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,160 Speaker 1: Megan was raised in Dripping Springs by strict religious parents, 226 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,640 Speaker 1: and so it was very conservative. Pam, on the other hand, 227 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: was the kind of person who didn't mind rocking the boat. 228 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,720 Speaker 1: She was unlike anyone Megan had ever met. 229 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:44,080 Speaker 3: She was just really punk. 230 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,640 Speaker 6: She always wore sort of long, kind of hippie dresses 231 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:50,320 Speaker 6: with tribal patterns on them and a lot of dark 232 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,000 Speaker 6: velvets and embroidered you know, things that you might see 233 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,719 Speaker 6: women wearing. It a Tom Petty concert. 234 00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:01,319 Speaker 1: As different as they were, though and Meghan became friends. 235 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:06,520 Speaker 1: Megan endeared herself with imitations of their coworkers, Debbie's southern drawl, 236 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:11,040 Speaker 1: Cheryl's obsession with pens. She cracked Pam up and she. 237 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:13,560 Speaker 6: Had this laugh where she would shoot smoked, so it 238 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,559 Speaker 6: was a very unique laugh for one thing. And then 239 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 6: she would bend forward and kick her foot, and that's 240 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,120 Speaker 6: when you knew you really got her, was when she 241 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 6: did that. 242 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 1: To Stephanie's question about how the bookstore came to be, 243 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,640 Speaker 1: Megan explains that when Pam was younger, she spent many 244 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: years working in bookstores. It was her dream to open 245 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 1: one of her own someday. Megan remembered the bookstore fondly, 246 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 1: the little fish ponds on the porch, the garden in 247 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 1: the back, the incense burning inside. 248 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,400 Speaker 6: It was almost like a little tropical oasis with this 249 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:52,280 Speaker 6: tiny little cave of a bookstore, and she just always 250 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 6: was trying to make it a. 251 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 3: More enjoyable and more welcoming place to visit. 252 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,960 Speaker 1: So, if, like Megan says, Pam was the one behind 253 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: the bookstore, why was it that Stephanie doesn't remember ever 254 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: seeing her there. Why was it only ever chat behind 255 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,360 Speaker 1: the counter? According to Megan, Pam had to work at 256 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: the bank to provide the cash flow necessary to keep 257 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 1: the bookstore afloat, And while she was at the bank, 258 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,640 Speaker 1: Chet was living her dream in her beloved bookstore, surrounded 259 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:24,920 Speaker 1: by her beloved books. 260 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:29,080 Speaker 6: She loved everything about books. She loved the way they smelled, 261 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,800 Speaker 6: the way they felt. She loved organizing them on a bookshelf, 262 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,480 Speaker 6: and I swear sometimes. 263 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 3: It was a meditation to just hold them. 264 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 6: Sometimes when she would show them to me, she'd just 265 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:43,600 Speaker 6: kind of press them for a second before ever describing them. 266 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:50,400 Speaker 6: Her favorite book is Barbaricing Salver's Poisonwood Bible. She had 267 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 6: her favorite authors, and of course another roadside attraction. The 268 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 6: name of the bookstore is an allusion to her her 269 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 6: favorite author, Tom Robbins. 270 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:02,640 Speaker 3: I believe yeah her life. 271 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,080 Speaker 1: To the question of why the bookstore had closed so abruptly. 272 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: It seems that in spite of how hard Pam worked, 273 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 1: she couldn't afford to keep it operating. 274 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 6: She was immensely proud of it, and it was such 275 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:25,000 Speaker 6: a painful experience for her to lose. 276 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,720 Speaker 1: It, And that was just the beginning of her losses. 277 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:31,560 Speaker 1: The store's closing happened among a slew of other tragedies 278 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:32,480 Speaker 1: in Pam's life. 279 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 6: It's hard to remember what came first, because it was 280 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,080 Speaker 6: really just a whirlwind of loss for her. Her father 281 00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:42,960 Speaker 6: was very ill, and then pretty soon after that, her 282 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 6: younger brother, he went in to have an absess looked at, 283 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,360 Speaker 6: and it turned out he had cancer all. 284 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,200 Speaker 3: Over his body. At that point, already. 285 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,120 Speaker 1: Her younger brother died, her father died, and then Pam's 286 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,560 Speaker 1: mom fell very ill. 287 00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 6: And Pam's the only one left to deal with that, 288 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:07,600 Speaker 6: and she felt helpless and scared and small, and I 289 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,359 Speaker 6: just remember there being a tone in her voice that 290 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:11,800 Speaker 6: had never heard before. 291 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,560 Speaker 1: And the person who should have been there to support her, 292 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: her husband, Chat, was instead pulling away. Pam related to 293 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,679 Speaker 1: Megan a story about a Thanksgiving dinner from around that time. 294 00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,840 Speaker 6: She got drunk on red wine because she was sad 295 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,080 Speaker 6: and drank a little too much red wine, and so 296 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,040 Speaker 6: when she went to go back in to get something, 297 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,200 Speaker 6: with her wine glass in her hands, she ran into 298 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:36,000 Speaker 6: the sliding glass door and cut her head. She was bleeding, 299 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,560 Speaker 6: and she turned around with an astonished look on her face, 300 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 6: and one of her friends ran to help her, and 301 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 6: Chet stood there with what she described as a disgusted 302 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 6: look on his face, and she said that was. 303 00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,760 Speaker 3: The moment she knew that their relationship was over. 304 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:56,080 Speaker 1: Shortly after that, Chet and Pam divorced, and Chet left town, 305 00:17:56,520 --> 00:18:01,040 Speaker 1: leaving Pam alone. She'd lost chat, her family and her dream. 306 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 1: She didn't seem to ever recover from that. 307 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,520 Speaker 6: I mean, when I met her, she was sarcastic and 308 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,680 Speaker 6: kind of had a dark sense of humor. But after 309 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 6: all of the loss that she sustained, it became like 310 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:17,680 Speaker 6: a deep synicism, you know, and it just got deeper 311 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,760 Speaker 6: and deeper, and she would describe it as the dark, 312 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:24,359 Speaker 6: slimy hole, with me trying to convince her that everything 313 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,560 Speaker 6: could be okay and her trying to. 314 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,280 Speaker 2: Convince me that it couldn't. 315 00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,080 Speaker 3: And that went on for ten years. 316 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: For ten years, Megan tried to be a positive force 317 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,879 Speaker 1: in Pam's life. She was young and in over her head, 318 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: but she'd go over to help fix things around the 319 00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:44,000 Speaker 1: house or to mow the lawn. She'd spend time with Pam, 320 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:47,840 Speaker 1: watching movies or listening to music with her. Pam tried 321 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,760 Speaker 1: going on a few days. She tried therapy briefly, nothing 322 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:52,520 Speaker 1: seemed to help. 323 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,359 Speaker 3: I can say that I was frustrated at certain points. 324 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:01,560 Speaker 6: That my attempts to bring her some kind of peace 325 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:02,280 Speaker 6: never worked. 326 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,240 Speaker 3: But it wasn't a frustration with her. 327 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,879 Speaker 6: And then, you know, sometimes there are frustrations involved with 328 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,760 Speaker 6: a person who is very depressed. Sometimes she would speak 329 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 6: harshly to me, and I remember telling her one time, 330 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 6: you know, spending time with you can sometimes feel like 331 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:22,040 Speaker 6: cuddling up porcupine, And she immediately apologized. She knew what 332 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,600 Speaker 6: I was talking about, and I said, I know, you 333 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,600 Speaker 6: don't have to apologize. 334 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,240 Speaker 3: I just need you to know I'm on your team. 335 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,640 Speaker 1: On top of everything else, Pam had lived her whole 336 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,200 Speaker 1: life with a degenerative eye disease, which meant that as 337 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:40,160 Speaker 1: time went on, her great love reading was becoming increasingly difficult. 338 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,760 Speaker 1: She bought a kindle so as her eyesight worsened, she 339 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,919 Speaker 1: could keep increasing the font size. In the lead up 340 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,760 Speaker 1: to the twenty sixteen election, it was on her kindle 341 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,440 Speaker 1: that Pam read massive amounts of news. It provided her 342 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:57,080 Speaker 1: with further confirmation of the thing she already knew. The 343 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: world was a terrible place to be. Pam stopped leaving 344 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,679 Speaker 1: the house, spending most of her time shut in a 345 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 1: warning that from here Pam's story deals very explicitly with 346 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,600 Speaker 1: the topic of suicide. Take care when listening. 347 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:18,400 Speaker 6: For many years, she wasn't open about her desire to die, 348 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 6: but there came a time where she felt like she 349 00:20:22,359 --> 00:20:25,639 Speaker 6: couldn't not be honest about it anymore, and she started 350 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:26,439 Speaker 6: telling her friends. 351 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:29,840 Speaker 1: There was a progression to the way Pam talked about 352 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,199 Speaker 1: taking her own life. Initially, she spoke of it in 353 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,479 Speaker 1: an abstract. 354 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 6: Way, I just can't believe the world is the way 355 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 6: it is. Who wants to live in a world like this? 356 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:41,280 Speaker 6: And then it was I really don't think I can 357 00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:45,560 Speaker 6: do this much longer. And then it became I'm not 358 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,840 Speaker 6: going to do this anymore. And so for a couple 359 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:51,600 Speaker 6: of years she worked on getting her affairs in order. 360 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,920 Speaker 3: She figured out how she was going to do it. 361 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: Pam did extensive research online about the best way to 362 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:01,520 Speaker 1: take her own life. She was methought, inner planning. She 363 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,000 Speaker 1: talked to an attorney, and took care of her banking. 364 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:07,840 Speaker 1: She didn't want to cause any unnecessary logistical stress after 365 00:21:07,920 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 1: she was gone. 366 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,959 Speaker 6: And of course everyone was saying, we love you and 367 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,879 Speaker 6: we want you here, and you just stick around. 368 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 1: You know, did you feel like she meant it? 369 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,719 Speaker 6: I knew she meant it, But I also knew that 370 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,439 Speaker 6: she was scared, and I thought I was hoping that 371 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 6: the fear would keep her around long enough for there 372 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 6: to be something that would come along that would be 373 00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:32,200 Speaker 6: the thing that would pull her out of that hole. 374 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,359 Speaker 3: I think I found the journal here. 375 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,439 Speaker 1: While on the phone with me. Megan had been searching 376 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 1: the house for a journal Pam was keeping around this time. 377 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:46,080 Speaker 6: October twenty seventh of twenty fifteen, so this was a 378 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:51,160 Speaker 6: couple of years before she passed. Like everything else I've 379 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,119 Speaker 6: ever written, this will just be a rambling, incoherent mess. 380 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 6: But at the urging of a couple friends, I'm going 381 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,240 Speaker 6: to try to put my thoughts during this final time 382 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,000 Speaker 6: to paper. I want to be very clear that this 383 00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 6: is the most well thought out thing I've ever done 384 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:08,560 Speaker 6: in my life, the most sensible, logical, and rational. There 385 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:12,159 Speaker 6: are those that will disagree with that. Looking at you, friend, 386 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 6: I won't say her name. I do not yet have 387 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,000 Speaker 6: an actual exit date set. I kind of want to 388 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,800 Speaker 6: stay through the election just for its epic train rep value. 389 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,160 Speaker 3: I'm thinking roughly a year or so from now. 390 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,240 Speaker 1: Megan reads me another journal entry from roughly a year 391 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,680 Speaker 1: and a half later, on. 392 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:35,359 Speaker 6: February nineteenth of twenty seventeen. She says, still here, but 393 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:38,960 Speaker 6: wrapping things up. Still no doubt, but some occasional fear, 394 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:40,920 Speaker 6: mostly about failing. 395 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,199 Speaker 1: Pam always said that she didn't want to die at 396 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,919 Speaker 1: the house for fear it might scare her dog and cat. 397 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,720 Speaker 1: So on the weekends, in what came to feel like 398 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,159 Speaker 1: a fire drill, she'd ask Megan to come over to 399 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,320 Speaker 1: pet set, and. 400 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,359 Speaker 6: She would kind of make it seem like I needed 401 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,480 Speaker 6: to stay with the animals because maybe she wasn't going 402 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,159 Speaker 6: to be coming back. But then we would just spend 403 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:02,760 Speaker 6: time together and that weekend would go by and there 404 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,159 Speaker 6: would be other weekends, you know. 405 00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 3: So then when the weekend of July. 406 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 6: Thirty first, twenty seventeen came along, it was the same story. 407 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,040 Speaker 3: You know, I need you to come stay with the animals. 408 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:15,359 Speaker 6: The only difference this time was she wanted to go 409 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,040 Speaker 6: to the store and buy some food and stuff for 410 00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:23,480 Speaker 6: me for the weekend, and while we were there, she 411 00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:28,240 Speaker 6: went down the aisle where the adult diapers and things 412 00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:30,480 Speaker 6: like that are. This is the level of research that 413 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:33,119 Speaker 6: she had apparently done. She knew what was going to 414 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:37,399 Speaker 6: happen in the moments after she stopped breathing, and she 415 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,080 Speaker 6: did not want to make any extra work for anybody. 416 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 3: She didn't say anything to me. 417 00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:46,200 Speaker 6: She just got a big package of adult diapers and 418 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:49,000 Speaker 6: brought them back over to me, and she kind of 419 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,119 Speaker 6: mumbled to herself, fourteen bucks and. 420 00:23:51,080 --> 00:23:53,600 Speaker 3: I'm only ever going to wear one of them. And 421 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:54,680 Speaker 3: I had to think. 422 00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,040 Speaker 6: Quickly because I knew that I couldn't respond with like 423 00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:01,920 Speaker 6: surprise or like discussed or anything like that, because she 424 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,359 Speaker 6: would It would really upset her. She'd already told me, 425 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,639 Speaker 6: if you go against me on any of this, I 426 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,800 Speaker 6: will take it as a betrayal of our friendship. And 427 00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,640 Speaker 6: so I said, well, I guess you could just put 428 00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:14,720 Speaker 6: several of them on at once. 429 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:16,199 Speaker 5: She laughed. 430 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 6: She did the kick forward, bend over laugh and I 431 00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 6: almost cried. I had to turn around because I hadn't 432 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:23,200 Speaker 6: seen her do it in a while. 433 00:24:29,040 --> 00:24:31,960 Speaker 1: After the grocery store, just like usual, they spent the 434 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:36,119 Speaker 1: evening at Pam's watching movies that night, one of Pam's favorites, 435 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 1: Night Mother. In it, Sissy's BASIC's character explains to her 436 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,080 Speaker 1: mom why she wants to kill herself and ultimately she does. 437 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,280 Speaker 1: Megan slept over in the next day. Pam hugged her 438 00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,200 Speaker 1: goodbye and walked out of the house. 439 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,920 Speaker 6: You know, I was supposed to wait to hear from her, 440 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,679 Speaker 6: and it was the police that I heard from On 441 00:24:56,680 --> 00:25:00,679 Speaker 6: I think it was Sunday afternoon and they asked me, 442 00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:05,720 Speaker 6: do you know why we're here? And I said, is 443 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:14,720 Speaker 6: Pam dead? And they said yes. She ended up picking 444 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,960 Speaker 6: this hotel called the knights In Hotel. 445 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,399 Speaker 1: Pam chose a ground floor room so that it would 446 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,119 Speaker 1: be easier to carry your body out. She left one 447 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,160 Speaker 1: hundred dollars tip for the hotel staff. 448 00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 6: And I know that the last thing that she did 449 00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:34,600 Speaker 6: from the history on her kindle was watched the Peter 450 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:39,840 Speaker 6: Gabriel music video for Salisbury Hill, you know, and it 451 00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:45,440 Speaker 6: says They've come to take me home, and my heart 452 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:53,480 Speaker 6: going boom boom boom. 453 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,639 Speaker 1: Megan received my letter because she's now living in Pam's house. 454 00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,560 Speaker 1: Pam left it to her, and along with the house 455 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:03,040 Speaker 1: came the shoves and shelves of books, inside thousands of 456 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:06,359 Speaker 1: them with little notes explaining which ones Megan should read 457 00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:10,359 Speaker 1: and why. Among them was the journal. Stuck to the 458 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:14,439 Speaker 1: cover was a small burned orange postead that read from Megan. 459 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,080 Speaker 1: Megan reads me the final entry. 460 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,600 Speaker 3: On seven nine seventeen. 461 00:26:22,680 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 6: She writes, my darling, sweet Megan, I hope this is 462 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,080 Speaker 6: all not too much of a burden for you, and 463 00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,280 Speaker 6: I hope this gives you a little financial freedom. 464 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,000 Speaker 3: Try to have some joy and fun. 465 00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,439 Speaker 6: Quote Listen, being dead is not worse than being alive. 466 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,400 Speaker 6: It is different, though you could say the view is larger. 467 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 6: End quote. And that's from the Poison Wood Bible. You've 468 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,320 Speaker 6: been a good friend to me, Megan, maybe the best 469 00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,640 Speaker 6: friend I've ever had. I love you, honey. I don't 470 00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,640 Speaker 6: have any more words of my own, so I will 471 00:26:54,760 --> 00:27:00,000 Speaker 6: end this with more of Barbara King's solvers quote Liten 472 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,600 Speaker 6: and slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. 473 00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:06,840 Speaker 3: You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. 474 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 6: You will forgive, and remember think of the vine that 475 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:15,280 Speaker 6: curls from the small square plot that was once my heart. 476 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,880 Speaker 6: That is the only marketer you need. Move on, walk 477 00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:25,800 Speaker 6: forward into the light. And then she wrote love Always, Pam. 478 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 6: And then there's just tons of pages behind that that 479 00:27:29,080 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 6: are blank. 480 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:40,399 Speaker 5: Sorry, that just hurts me heart. 481 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,440 Speaker 1: After speaking with Megan, I reached back out to Stephanie 482 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 1: to relate what I learned. 483 00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,960 Speaker 7: I don't even know this woman, and I just feel 484 00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:50,200 Speaker 7: for her deeply, and I feel for. 485 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,639 Speaker 5: Everyone around her. 486 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:58,000 Speaker 7: It's about it's almost exactly one year of me losing 487 00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:08,200 Speaker 7: someone to suicide. 488 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,600 Speaker 1: Megan isn't in touch with Chet, nor does she know 489 00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:17,680 Speaker 1: anyone who is. She says is split from Pam was 490 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,720 Speaker 1: pretty complete, but she sends me some photos of the 491 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,760 Speaker 1: two of them from around Pam's house. Pam and chat 492 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,120 Speaker 1: on their wedding day, Pam and Shed on vacation in Mexico, 493 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:30,720 Speaker 1: his arm around her waist. Once I know what Ched 494 00:28:30,800 --> 00:28:33,640 Speaker 1: looks like, I'm able to locate him among the dozens 495 00:28:33,680 --> 00:28:37,320 Speaker 1: of Facebook profiles bearing the same name, and from there 496 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:41,040 Speaker 1: I find an email address. So I write the stoic 497 00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:44,840 Speaker 1: man behind the bookstore counter, the man Stephanie's been wondering 498 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 1: about for two decades, and he responds with his own 499 00:28:49,560 --> 00:29:09,360 Speaker 1: version of the story of another roadside Attraction, Chapter three. 500 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:10,480 Speaker 2: Chet. 501 00:29:14,360 --> 00:29:18,760 Speaker 1: No, Hi, Chet, this is Jonathan Goldstein speaking Nothing. 502 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:21,240 Speaker 2: Nice to meet you. Finally, how nice to talk to you. 503 00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 1: When I first reached out to Chet by email, I 504 00:29:24,440 --> 00:29:27,760 Speaker 1: mentioned Pam's death. It turned out that my telling him 505 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:30,560 Speaker 1: was the first he was learning of it. I'm crying 506 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,840 Speaker 1: as I write this. Chet responded, we were married for 507 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,840 Speaker 1: nearly ten years. That news has hit me very hard. 508 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:39,280 Speaker 1: Give me a few days and I will get back 509 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:43,120 Speaker 1: to you. It's now been about a week. Chet asks 510 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:45,440 Speaker 1: me to tell him what I know about the circumstances 511 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: surrounding Pam's death, and so I do, explaining it was 512 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,200 Speaker 1: a suicide. And as I speak, Chet is silent. 513 00:30:00,160 --> 00:30:02,560 Speaker 2: I haven't seen her. I hadn't seen her since I 514 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,560 Speaker 2: left Dripping Springs when I divorced her in two thousand 515 00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:10,160 Speaker 2: and five. SO called her once about a couple of 516 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:13,960 Speaker 2: months or so after I left, and she wasn't very 517 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,760 Speaker 2: happy with me. So I knew that didn't make any 518 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:21,360 Speaker 2: sense trying to call her again. I loved them dearly. 519 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 2: I mean, I can't even put in words. I can't 520 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:28,959 Speaker 2: even put in words how much I love her. 521 00:30:30,360 --> 00:30:33,760 Speaker 1: Like Megan, Check begins the story of another roadside attraction 522 00:30:34,240 --> 00:30:36,880 Speaker 1: with the story of Pam how she first entered his 523 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,320 Speaker 1: life in nineteen ninety seven. 524 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 2: The way Pam and I met was about as happenstance 525 00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,520 Speaker 2: as it gets. When I first moved to Austin, I 526 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,360 Speaker 2: wanted to go out check out Sixth Street. Now Sixth 527 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 2: Street if you don't know anything about it is a 528 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,880 Speaker 2: big place that a lot of the UT students hang 529 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,880 Speaker 2: out at. It's a big college town here again. 530 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:00,760 Speaker 1: So Check got a beer on Sixth Street and started 531 00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:03,240 Speaker 1: chatting with a guy at the bar. But after a 532 00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,160 Speaker 1: while they began to feel out of place, too old 533 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:07,800 Speaker 1: among the student crowd, and. 534 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:09,680 Speaker 2: I noticed two women walking across the street, going in 535 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:11,880 Speaker 2: the opposite direction, so I yelled to them because they 536 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:13,160 Speaker 2: looked like they were around their age. 537 00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,920 Speaker 1: The two women were Pam and a friend of hers. 538 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:19,000 Speaker 1: It was their first time on Sixth Street. Two the 539 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:21,560 Speaker 1: group all headed to a club together and Pam and 540 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:23,280 Speaker 1: Chat got to talking. 541 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:26,440 Speaker 2: And we wound up talking until the bar closed. We 542 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,120 Speaker 2: wound up going to a hotel room. We wound up 543 00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:31,120 Speaker 2: talking there till about four thirty in the morning. She 544 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,720 Speaker 2: was very easy to talk to you. I didn't feel 545 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:35,600 Speaker 2: like I had to try to impress her, and she 546 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 2: didn't feel like she had to do that with me. 547 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:38,200 Speaker 2: It was really natural. 548 00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,560 Speaker 1: Chet called Pam the next day, and very soon after 549 00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,920 Speaker 1: that they started dating. Eight months later, he moved to 550 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,800 Speaker 1: Dripping Springs to be with her, and a month after 551 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,840 Speaker 1: that they were married. So it was a bit of 552 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:56,760 Speaker 1: a whirlwind. Yes, yes, Chet says he knew immediately that 553 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:59,840 Speaker 1: this relationship with Pam was destined to be different than 554 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,640 Speaker 1: anything he'd experienced before. 555 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:04,320 Speaker 2: I think we all had this void in our lives 556 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,360 Speaker 2: where we get into relationships and they're really nice, we 557 00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:09,719 Speaker 2: fall in love, but we're always missing something. And I 558 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 2: was like, well, that person's just not feeling this void. 559 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,720 Speaker 2: And then they go to another relationship. You're no, they 560 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,520 Speaker 2: filled that void, but now they're missing this. Fams seemed 561 00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,200 Speaker 2: to come into my life and I came into her 562 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,600 Speaker 2: life at a point where we were able to fill 563 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,800 Speaker 2: that void for each other, the void I've always looked 564 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:27,720 Speaker 2: to have filled. She did it. She did right in there, 565 00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 2: and it was like a glove. Even though she and 566 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,840 Speaker 2: I were polar opposite in a lot of way. We 567 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:35,200 Speaker 2: didn't like the same music, didn't like the same foods, 568 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:38,360 Speaker 2: didn't like the same dress, didn't let me that one 569 00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 2: aspect of our relationship outweighed it all. We had a 570 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,000 Speaker 2: great rapport. 571 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,560 Speaker 1: And an important part of that rapport was their shared 572 00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:48,600 Speaker 1: love of books. 573 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:50,680 Speaker 2: The title of the book of her favorite book was 574 00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:55,000 Speaker 2: Barbara King Salver's book The Poison Wood Bible, right right, 575 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:57,640 Speaker 2: and I read that book and I swear to God 576 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,600 Speaker 2: I fell in love and that it now my favorite 577 00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,320 Speaker 2: book as well, even though her favorite author was Tom Robbins. 578 00:33:03,680 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 1: Right, and isn't the bookstore named after named. 579 00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:09,560 Speaker 2: After the title to his books that was her favorite author. 580 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:11,280 Speaker 2: Was her idea to come up with a title. I 581 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:16,000 Speaker 2: thought it was brilliant, Huh. Pam was an avid reader. 582 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,720 Speaker 2: When I say avid reader, I'm talking about three books 583 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:22,280 Speaker 2: a week, easy, sometimes more. Absolutely love books, and we 584 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,400 Speaker 2: would find ourselves going to the store all the time 585 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:25,400 Speaker 2: to buy books. 586 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,920 Speaker 1: Unlike Megan, Chet doesn't talk about another roadside attraction as 587 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:33,040 Speaker 1: a lifelong dream of PAMs so much as a project 588 00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:37,360 Speaker 1: he initiated. He explains it this way. After being deployed 589 00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:40,720 Speaker 1: to Grenada and Beirut with the Marines, Chet returned home 590 00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:44,960 Speaker 1: suffering from PTSD. He'd always worked in restaurants, but his 591 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:47,400 Speaker 1: doctor told him he needed a break from the stress. 592 00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,400 Speaker 1: So when he arrived in Dripping Springs, he was at 593 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:53,560 Speaker 1: a loss for what to do. At first, he tried 594 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,040 Speaker 1: building a model railroad set. 595 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,040 Speaker 2: After I finished a model train thing, I just I 596 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 2: got bored, and that's when I threw the idea her. Hey, 597 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:03,880 Speaker 2: how about if I build you a bookstore. We don't 598 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,239 Speaker 2: have to go out and buy you books anymore. I 599 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:09,799 Speaker 2: just wanted to do whatever I could do to make 600 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:10,360 Speaker 2: her happy. 601 00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 1: In Megan's telling, the store was a monument to Pam's 602 00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:18,200 Speaker 1: love of reading. In Chet's telling, it was a monument 603 00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:28,560 Speaker 1: to his love of Pam. Did Pam ever feel frustrated 604 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:31,640 Speaker 1: that she didn't get to work in the bookstore more? 605 00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:34,760 Speaker 2: No, not really. She was glad that I had something 606 00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:37,040 Speaker 2: to do, and that was more for pamlet the bookstore 607 00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,399 Speaker 2: was just a place where she could get any book 608 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,359 Speaker 2: she wants to read when she wants to read. 609 00:34:42,200 --> 00:34:45,279 Speaker 1: Chedd explains how Pam liked working at the bank, liked 610 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:48,399 Speaker 1: her boss and the customers, and of course she must 611 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:51,800 Speaker 1: have loved seeing Megan every day because, according to Chad, 612 00:34:52,239 --> 00:34:55,200 Speaker 1: Pam did not need the money. This is a very 613 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: different story than the one Megan presented of a woman 614 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,280 Speaker 1: single handedly trying to keep her living bookstore in the black. 615 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:05,759 Speaker 2: Her mother was a financial genius, Emily was a millionaire, 616 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:07,680 Speaker 2: but you wouldn't know it to meet her. I didn't 617 00:35:07,680 --> 00:35:08,480 Speaker 2: know it when I met her. 618 00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:12,600 Speaker 1: Speaking with ched and Megan is like reading two different authors, 619 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,800 Speaker 1: each with their own take on the same beloved main character. 620 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:19,800 Speaker 1: I wonder if the truth lies somewhere between both their takes. 621 00:35:20,400 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 1: Although Pam's dream had been to have her own bookstore, 622 00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:27,360 Speaker 1: maybe that dream evolved over time. Maybe another roadside attraction 623 00:35:27,719 --> 00:35:29,960 Speaker 1: came to be a place she valued for the refuge 624 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:38,080 Speaker 1: it offered someone she loved. Ched was the one who 625 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:42,000 Speaker 1: built the bookstore. He added the deck, repaired the termite damage, 626 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:45,960 Speaker 1: and constructed the shelves encounter. Each day, he opened the 627 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:48,120 Speaker 1: store at ten in the morning and closed it at 628 00:35:48,200 --> 00:35:51,439 Speaker 1: nine at night. Cheed was there all day every day. 629 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:54,640 Speaker 1: He maintained the garden and the fish ponds, and kept 630 00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,480 Speaker 1: a recliner behind the counter where he could watch football 631 00:35:57,560 --> 00:35:59,920 Speaker 1: on a little TV when there weren't any customers. Or 632 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:04,360 Speaker 1: Chet only stepped away from another roadside attraction when his 633 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:08,040 Speaker 1: marriage to pam ended. Was there anything working against you? 634 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:11,279 Speaker 1: Guys like that just sort of ended up, you know, 635 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:13,880 Speaker 1: being destructive or lead to a divorce. 636 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:21,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, Demila had some vices. That's do well, but these 637 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:24,279 Speaker 2: vices were becoming dangerous. She drank it off a lot. 638 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,600 Speaker 2: She was a wine drinker, but she drank other things 639 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,239 Speaker 2: as well. There was a like it didn't habit there. 640 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:33,160 Speaker 2: So initially they weren't a big issue with me. The 641 00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:35,520 Speaker 2: positive in our relationship fore outweighed any of that. 642 00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:40,760 Speaker 1: But Chet says, as Pamela's tragedies stacked up, her vices 643 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:41,360 Speaker 1: grew worse. 644 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:45,080 Speaker 2: After the deaths of her family. These things began to increase, 645 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:46,840 Speaker 2: and that's what it began to get difficult. 646 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:49,439 Speaker 1: He says that when he tried to talk to Pam 647 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:52,160 Speaker 1: about cutting back, she refused to engage. 648 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:54,920 Speaker 2: Demilo was very strong willed. You couldn't get her to 649 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,440 Speaker 2: do anything. She didn't want to do, period, period. And 650 00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:01,120 Speaker 2: it was clear to me at one point that there 651 00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:02,799 Speaker 2: was nothing more I can say or do that was 652 00:37:02,800 --> 00:37:06,400 Speaker 2: going to help this issue, you know. And my fear 653 00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:10,520 Speaker 2: was that I would wake up one day and find 654 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:14,080 Speaker 2: her lying in bed next to me dead, and that 655 00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:17,160 Speaker 2: there was not trying to blame that on me. 656 00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,000 Speaker 1: Why did you think that you would be blamed? 657 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:24,480 Speaker 2: Well, I don't know if you know or not, but 658 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,120 Speaker 2: Pema and I are an interracial couple. I'm black, she's white, 659 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:32,279 Speaker 2: and Derby Springs is an all white town. There are 660 00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:34,160 Speaker 2: no bide. I was the only blined person that lived there. 661 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:37,640 Speaker 2: And a lot of the reason why I heard through 662 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,919 Speaker 2: the Great Vie from other regular customers, why we weren't 663 00:37:39,920 --> 00:37:44,000 Speaker 2: getting as much business as we should have because people 664 00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:45,799 Speaker 2: didn't like to come, didn't want to do business with 665 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:47,480 Speaker 2: us because we were in a racial couple. 666 00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,000 Speaker 1: Jess says there had been one other black person in town, 667 00:37:51,360 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 1: a woman who worked at the gas station, but she'd 668 00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:56,760 Speaker 1: moved away because you couldn't take the kinds of things 669 00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:57,879 Speaker 1: people would say to her. 670 00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,600 Speaker 2: Did. I used to have people come to my storre 671 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:02,480 Speaker 2: just say to my face. You know, it was insane. 672 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:04,600 Speaker 1: What would they say to your face? 673 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:08,200 Speaker 2: Oh? I had a woman come in once. She called me. 674 00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:10,399 Speaker 2: It was in Christmas time. It was just about five 675 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:12,680 Speaker 2: o'clock in the evening. Some was just going down and 676 00:38:12,760 --> 00:38:14,560 Speaker 2: she called and asked for a certain book and I said, yes, 677 00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:15,960 Speaker 2: we have it. She says, okay, I'll be on my 678 00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:17,960 Speaker 2: way there. And when you open the front order of 679 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:19,799 Speaker 2: the bookstore, you see the front kind of right there 680 00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:22,480 Speaker 2: to your right. I'm looking right at you, and she 681 00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:24,440 Speaker 2: looks at me, and she didn't even come inside. And 682 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:27,080 Speaker 2: it was clear to me she was sloppy, drunk. You know, 683 00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,279 Speaker 2: her eyes were bloodshot. You can smell the alcohol in 684 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:34,120 Speaker 2: her breath. She goes, what are you doing here? And 685 00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:35,960 Speaker 2: you can tell by the way she said it what 686 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,520 Speaker 2: she meant. And then she just closes the door and 687 00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:39,880 Speaker 2: walks right back out again. 688 00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:48,160 Speaker 1: All those books carefully wrapped in plastic weren't enough to 689 00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 1: keep the world of dripping springs from encroaching. Moments like 690 00:38:52,160 --> 00:38:55,360 Speaker 1: these were what colored Chets fear, what made him worry 691 00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,920 Speaker 1: that he might be the one blamed if Pam died. 692 00:38:58,440 --> 00:38:59,960 Speaker 2: And I can see it easily happened because these sort 693 00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:02,960 Speaker 2: things happen all the time in this country. Yeah, you know, 694 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:04,560 Speaker 2: they were just going to say all this white guys 695 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:07,480 Speaker 2: wanted to take her money because she's a millionaire. I mean, 696 00:39:07,480 --> 00:39:08,879 Speaker 2: there are so many ways they can try to put 697 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,400 Speaker 2: it all together and say I had something to do 698 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,520 Speaker 2: with it. So and I tried to explain that to 699 00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:17,560 Speaker 2: her and those exact words, and it just didn't seem 700 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:20,560 Speaker 2: to click. I just couldn't watch her kill herself anymore. 701 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,360 Speaker 2: Let's just put it that way. And that's when I realized, 702 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:26,239 Speaker 2: you know, my life's at risk, my freedom's at risk. 703 00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:30,200 Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore. I have to get out 704 00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:33,239 Speaker 2: of her. It was the hardest decision I ever had 705 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,239 Speaker 2: to make my life, because I promised her that I 706 00:39:35,239 --> 00:39:37,919 Speaker 2: would never leave her. And I still suffer from having 707 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,880 Speaker 2: made that decision, even though I stand by the reasons 708 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:42,520 Speaker 2: I was forced to make that decision. I wish I 709 00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,440 Speaker 2: had made another one. And I say these things because 710 00:39:45,560 --> 00:39:47,440 Speaker 2: I'm trying to come off to saying, is Pam's a 711 00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:50,160 Speaker 2: bad person? She's not. It did nothing bad at all, 712 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,960 Speaker 2: nothing nothing, you know. I just I was forced to 713 00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,520 Speaker 2: make a decision that I have to do with my 714 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:58,879 Speaker 2: freedom versus my love for her, and my freedom won out. 715 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:03,840 Speaker 1: Hearing all this, I recall the story Megan told me 716 00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:07,320 Speaker 1: about Pam getting drunk on red wine and cutting her face. 717 00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:10,759 Speaker 1: That looked Chat had given her. Maybe it wasn't one 718 00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:14,160 Speaker 1: of disgust, but rather the look of a man realizing 719 00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:24,920 Speaker 1: the impossible situation he was trapped in after the divorce. 720 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:30,280 Speaker 1: Chat like Pam never had another serious relationship, never anything 721 00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,279 Speaker 1: long term, never anything real. 722 00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:36,799 Speaker 2: I've always in my back on my mind, had it 723 00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:38,279 Speaker 2: in me that I was gonna jump up in and 724 00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,000 Speaker 2: see if I can find her and talk to her. 725 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:43,560 Speaker 2: I guess in a way, I was kind of reserving myself, 726 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,160 Speaker 2: saving myself for one day maybe running into her again 727 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:50,400 Speaker 2: and having things get back together again. And when I 728 00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:54,040 Speaker 2: read that that shit, I felt like, Okay, well that's 729 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,480 Speaker 2: never going to happen. Time to move on. 730 00:41:04,400 --> 00:41:07,279 Speaker 1: At the end of our call, I tell Chet about Stephanie, 731 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:09,560 Speaker 1: the person who set me off down this path to 732 00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:13,400 Speaker 1: begin with. Chet tells me he remembers her, the teenager 733 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:16,480 Speaker 1: who came in all the time that summer. Back when 734 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,960 Speaker 1: I spoke with Megan, I told her about Stephanie too. 735 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:21,440 Speaker 1: She said Pam would have been moved to know what 736 00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:24,400 Speaker 1: the store had meant to her. In spite of Pam's 737 00:41:24,440 --> 00:41:27,640 Speaker 1: passing five years ago, Megan says she still speaks to 738 00:41:27,680 --> 00:41:28,400 Speaker 1: her all the time. 739 00:41:28,920 --> 00:41:32,240 Speaker 6: I talked to her immediately and was like, see, people 740 00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:34,600 Speaker 6: loved you, You made a difference. You really did do 741 00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:37,600 Speaker 6: something that made life better for someone else. 742 00:41:46,719 --> 00:41:47,640 Speaker 5: Should I open it? 743 00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:51,120 Speaker 1: So yeah, I'd ask Megan if there might be something 744 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:54,200 Speaker 1: in Pam's house she could send to Stephanie a keepsake 745 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:58,320 Speaker 1: to prove the bookstore had once existed, And so Megan 746 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:14,680 Speaker 1: mailed Stephanie an envelope male ASMR. Stephanie pulls out an 747 00:42:14,680 --> 00:42:19,319 Speaker 1: old bookmark with maroon lettering. It reads, used, unused and 748 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:33,560 Speaker 1: unique books. Another roadside attraction. Oh Wow, in a bookstore, 749 00:42:33,880 --> 00:42:37,680 Speaker 1: you'll find page after page, book after book of people 750 00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:40,759 Speaker 1: trying to make meaning, trying to parse through feelings you 751 00:42:40,840 --> 00:42:44,359 Speaker 1: thought were yours. Alone like you, These books tell us 752 00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:48,120 Speaker 1: I too have felt trapped, I too have felt hopeless. 753 00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:52,160 Speaker 1: A bookstore is where you can seek refuge from the world, 754 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:55,439 Speaker 1: but if you're lucky, it can also offer a way 755 00:42:55,480 --> 00:42:59,279 Speaker 1: into it. Stephanie's writing a solo show while shopping around 756 00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:03,160 Speaker 1: TV scripts in la In a small way, She's carrying 757 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:06,520 Speaker 1: on the legacy of that strange little bookstore that appeared 758 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,080 Speaker 1: out of nowhere and felt as though it had shown 759 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:12,080 Speaker 1: up just in time and just for her. 760 00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:10,200 Speaker 8: Now that the Ferniters returned to its goodwill home, now 761 00:44:10,239 --> 00:44:15,040 Speaker 8: that the last month's rent is scheming with the damage 762 00:44:15,120 --> 00:44:21,120 Speaker 8: to Posle, take this moment to do so, if we 763 00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:22,480 Speaker 8: meant it, if we. 764 00:44:22,560 --> 00:44:32,160 Speaker 5: Talk felt around for far too from things that accidentally to. 765 00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:40,040 Speaker 1: This episode of Heavyweight was produced by senior producer Khaleila 766 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:44,319 Speaker 1: Holt and me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Moheiney Micguger. Our 767 00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:48,600 Speaker 1: Supervising producer is Stevie Lane. Production help from Domiano Marquetti. 768 00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:53,720 Speaker 1: Special thanks to Emily Condon, Sonia Dosani, Lauren Silverman, Caitlin Kenny, 769 00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:58,640 Speaker 1: Brendan Klinkenberg, and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode 770 00:44:58,680 --> 00:45:01,760 Speaker 1: with original music by Chris Dean, Fellows, John K. Sampson, 771 00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:05,480 Speaker 1: Michael Hurst, and Bobby Lord. Additional music credits can be 772 00:45:05,480 --> 00:45:09,480 Speaker 1: found on our website, gimletmedia dot com slash Heavyweight. Our 773 00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:12,600 Speaker 1: theme song is by The Weaker Thans courtesy of Epitaph Records. 774 00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:15,480 Speaker 1: Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight or email us at 775 00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,560 Speaker 1: Heavyweight at gimletmedia dot com. We'll be back with a 776 00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:20,520 Speaker 1: new episode after Thanksgiving.