WEBVTT - Divorced AF 0:00:20.040 --> 0:00:22.960 Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and 0:00:23.040 --> 0:00:29.960 I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday, you guys, y'all, are you get hydrated? 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:33.280 Hydrated, humping and happy today? 0:00:33.600 --> 0:00:38.840 I am excited because we have two time best selling author, 0:00:39.680 --> 0:00:45.440 entrepreneur mom of two, Christine Michelle Carter on the podcast. 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:48.800 So welcome, Hey, thank you so much for having me. 0:00:48.880 --> 0:00:52.080 And I just noticed we both have a wrist tattoo. Okay, 0:00:52.440 --> 0:00:56.160 I love it. Oh okay, oh fabulous gus. 0:00:56.280 --> 0:00:57.639 I'm not gonna I'm not I have one of those. 0:00:57.680 --> 0:01:01.400 Yeah I do, but you said you sent us your 0:01:01.520 --> 0:01:02.960 book a while ago. 0:01:03.040 --> 0:01:04.880 We featured it on our Instagram. 0:01:04.880 --> 0:01:07.320 It's part of our book club, and so we are 0:01:07.360 --> 0:01:09.440 super excited to have you on. 0:01:10.400 --> 0:01:13.080 And he also said us some edibles, but that was 0:01:13.240 --> 0:01:14.560 that was very thoughtful. 0:01:14.600 --> 0:01:16.000 I appreciate that very much. 0:01:16.400 --> 0:01:17.920 But hemp gummies, I guess. 0:01:18.160 --> 0:01:20.680 I was like, okay, I was like, she knows us. 0:01:22.520 --> 0:01:22.720 Right. 0:01:23.680 --> 0:01:26.440 I wish they were they were filled with cannabis, but 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:30.360 for everybody listening, they were just hemp gummies, don't I 0:01:30.400 --> 0:01:32.360 gave them out of my book party and people were like, 0:01:32.400 --> 0:01:33.520 do you have the real thing? 0:01:34.680 --> 0:01:38.000 I was like, I can't give you that right, and 0:01:37.840 --> 0:01:41.120 I and my book party trying to get right exactly 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:43.920 unlike us over here, like everybody, you should take drugs, 0:01:43.920 --> 0:01:47.039 And I'm just. 0:01:46.080 --> 0:01:49.560 I'm a big advocate for that when it comes to mothers. 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:52.200 But yeah, I couldn't give it away at my party 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:56.160 Allegedly I'm allegedly an advocate because I wink. 0:01:58.200 --> 0:02:01.840 So you you have two books, one is mom as 0:02:01.840 --> 0:02:06.040 Fuck and the other one is to Mommy Go to Work. 0:02:06.160 --> 0:02:08.120 Can you tell us just a little bit about your 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:11.799 journey into you know, writing Mom as Fuck. I mean, 0:02:11.800 --> 0:02:14.720 I know you're you are a big advocating You speak 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:18.560 a lot about, you know, women feeling unsupported in the 0:02:18.600 --> 0:02:20.640 workplace and in motherhood in general. 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:22.280 Being an entrepreneur. 0:02:21.800 --> 0:02:24.840 Yourself, I'm sure you know obviously this is a very 0:02:24.840 --> 0:02:27.960 personal experience. So tell us a little bit about you 0:02:28.120 --> 0:02:30.320 so our listeners get to know who you are and 0:02:30.360 --> 0:02:33.560 how you started on your journey and advocating for a 0:02:33.720 --> 0:02:34.760 single moments. 0:02:35.000 --> 0:02:39.000 Absolutely so. Back in two thousand and seven, I started 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:42.160 a retail marketing firm and the idea was to help 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:47.200 small businessesses reach millennial consumers. Specifically, at the time, they 0:02:47.200 --> 0:02:51.600 were called Generation Why, and I was helping them reach 0:02:51.680 --> 0:02:53.720 them when they were at a younger life stage. So 0:02:53.840 --> 0:02:57.240 fast forward to today, as millennial consumers go through different 0:02:57.280 --> 0:03:02.560 life stages, I've just become an ed for at this 0:03:02.720 --> 0:03:06.200 point working moms. I was always an advocate for us 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:08.560 in the workplace, but once I became a mom, it 0:03:08.639 --> 0:03:11.040 was like, Nope, done, I'm not going to advocate for 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:15.000 anything else but us as moms in every facet of that. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:16.760 What it means to be a black mom, what it 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:18.560 means to be a single mom, what it means to 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:21.240 be a mom who has a side hustle, everything that 0:03:21.360 --> 0:03:24.600 has to do with being a millennial mom. And I 0:03:25.440 --> 0:03:28.680 a part of me having that brand that business was 0:03:28.760 --> 0:03:33.120 that I would contribute to different publications about millennial consumers. 0:03:33.200 --> 0:03:36.280 So I still do that obviously to this day. I 0:03:36.320 --> 0:03:39.560 write for Parents in Time and Forbes, and written for 0:03:39.560 --> 0:03:42.600 a huff Posts and I'm the associate editor for Modern Mom. 0:03:43.440 --> 0:03:46.760 And then I decided that it was time for me 0:03:46.840 --> 0:03:48.600 to kind of put my money where my mouth is. 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:54.600 So five years ago I started a free professional development 0:03:54.640 --> 0:03:57.520 event for moms called mom preneur Me. So basically, we 0:03:57.560 --> 0:04:00.240 go across the country, We did pre COVID and we 0:04:00.360 --> 0:04:04.440 helped moms learn professional development skills to spend time with 0:04:04.520 --> 0:04:06.480 their kids too, so they would do yoga together, they 0:04:06.520 --> 0:04:09.120 would do bowling, they would do all kinds of fun 0:04:09.120 --> 0:04:11.960 things pay for by brands completely free. They would get 0:04:11.960 --> 0:04:14.600 gifts at the end. And when I was going around 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:16.320 the country, I was just meeting so many different women 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:18.800 who had the same story, who were very afraid to 0:04:18.800 --> 0:04:21.600 climb the corporate ladder because they felt guilty for doing 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:23.839 so for their kid, or they were battling with a 0:04:23.920 --> 0:04:26.200 husband and didn't want the world to know it. And 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:29.320 just like, all these different stories made me realize how 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:32.160 much were siloed as mothers, even though social media is 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:35.560 supposed to connect us. And I just really decided that 0:04:36.120 --> 0:04:39.200 I had to make my mission making women feel confident 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:41.840 and understood and showing them that they weren't alone. And 0:04:41.880 --> 0:04:44.040 I did that through the two books. So through mom 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:46.440 AF and through Kim Mommy Go to Work. Kim Mommy 0:04:46.480 --> 0:04:49.800 Go to Work was so that women understood that the 0:04:49.880 --> 0:04:52.920 single mothers exist everywhere and children will always try to 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:54.520 stop you from going to work. It doesn't mean they 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:56.679 hate your job, they just want to be with their mom. 0:04:57.240 --> 0:05:00.640 And mom AF was kind of like a loose story 0:05:00.800 --> 0:05:03.440 of what I was going through during my separation and 0:05:03.520 --> 0:05:07.599 ultimately my divorce. So it dealt with everything with regards 0:05:07.640 --> 0:05:09.880 to being a woman in corporate America and being the 0:05:09.920 --> 0:05:13.279 only black woman sometimes and having a husband who was 0:05:13.320 --> 0:05:17.440 battling an addiction, and raising these children in today's society 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:22.560 and edibles like it dealt with everything. So that's me. 0:05:22.880 --> 0:05:24.960 I know a lot in your book you talk about 0:05:25.040 --> 0:05:29.120 the idea of you know, owning your shite and like 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:31.960 the good and the bad and the ugly, and obviously 0:05:32.000 --> 0:05:35.279 like our podcast is really based in all of those things. 0:05:35.360 --> 0:05:37.040 You know, we talk about all of. 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:40.640 Our bad choices that we've made. And I say that 0:05:40.800 --> 0:05:43.719 with air quotes because a lot of the bad choices 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:47.000 are not bad, you know, that's what society has deemed 0:05:47.040 --> 0:05:50.080 as bad. Like even like like you said, like going 0:05:50.120 --> 0:05:53.560 to work, leaving your child to go to work, or 0:05:53.680 --> 0:05:56.520 you know, smoking weed or whatever it may be, having 0:05:56.560 --> 0:05:58.000 sex and talking about it. 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:03.440 You know, how like how do you how do you 0:06:03.520 --> 0:06:04.800 find your balance? 0:06:04.839 --> 0:06:08.240 I mean you just told me that you're you contribute 0:06:08.279 --> 0:06:10.600 to so many different things, have so many things going on, 0:06:10.760 --> 0:06:14.560 Like how the fuck do you do it? 0:06:17.240 --> 0:06:17.360 Like? 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:21.279 I need tips? Because girl, I mean I do. I 0:06:21.480 --> 0:06:22.680 basically have two jobs. 0:06:22.680 --> 0:06:25.400 I have, you know, my podcast, which every week is 0:06:25.400 --> 0:06:28.520 a full on production, and then you know, I work 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:32.000 in beauty and so you know, and and that business 0:06:32.120 --> 0:06:35.720 is you know, since COVID hit has affected been affected 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:39.480 greatly and we've had to pivot in our business as well. 0:06:40.040 --> 0:06:42.760 How like, with all the things you have going on, 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:45.200 how do you find the time? How do you find 0:06:45.279 --> 0:06:49.159 time to hang out with your kids? Also write, feel inspired. 0:06:48.640 --> 0:06:51.159 And then encourage other moms to get with it too. 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:57.360 Yeah, yeah, so definitely learning time management. I also am 0:06:57.360 --> 0:07:00.560 not dating when I was married for a really long time. 0:07:01.040 --> 0:07:05.360 We met in college and then the year we separated, 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:09.840 I wrote two books. I got my business that consults 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:14.160 for brands, state and federally certified. I was raising our children, 0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:18.520 we were traveling, I was thriving, and people said the 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:19.680 same thing, how do you do it? How do you 0:07:19.680 --> 0:07:21.480 find the balance? All that kind of stuff. That's when 0:07:21.480 --> 0:07:23.760 mompreneur and me really became national, and we were going 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:26.640 all different cities and I was like, I don't have 0:07:26.640 --> 0:07:28.720 to focus on a guy anymore. I don't have to 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:31.560 spend my time pacifying somebody. I got rid of one 0:07:31.600 --> 0:07:34.440 of my children. I had three children, like, and he 0:07:34.520 --> 0:07:36.480 had an addiction problem on top of that. Like, I 0:07:36.480 --> 0:07:39.000 don't have to deal with all that shit anymore. So 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:41.760 I have all the time under the sun to thrive, 0:07:42.720 --> 0:07:45.320 and I didn't. I put so much time after I 0:07:45.360 --> 0:07:47.960 got out of college focusing on his career. No one 0:07:48.040 --> 0:07:49.960 really knew what it was like for me to thrive 0:07:50.080 --> 0:07:52.880 as an adult and as a professional. So now it 0:07:53.000 --> 0:07:55.560 is so shocking to people. But it's kind of like, 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:58.200 I'm like, I I carried his ass, Like why are 0:07:58.240 --> 0:08:03.040 you surprised? But that's honestly, that's the biggest thing for me, 0:08:03.200 --> 0:08:05.280 is like that's how I find the time is because 0:08:05.360 --> 0:08:07.880 I was doing a lot of things prior, but but 0:08:07.920 --> 0:08:10.960 people didn't see it. But I was also taking care 0:08:11.000 --> 0:08:13.840 of him, and now it was just like it's dead 0:08:13.840 --> 0:08:17.040 weight gone, which is pretty freaking awesome. I gotta say, 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:20.720 I hate to be an advocate for divorce, but every 0:08:20.720 --> 0:08:23.760 time a woman comes I do. But every time a 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:26.200 woman comes to me and she has this sad, sob 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:28.840 story about her husband and how he won't do this 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:31.600 and won't do that, I'm not the whole prey on it. 0:08:31.680 --> 0:08:34.520 Go to therapy. I'm like, well, just leave his ass like. 0:08:35.679 --> 0:08:42.760 Prayer, right right, skip go and collect you in a dollar. 0:08:44.440 --> 0:08:48.040 Keep it moving, you know, Like it's because you can't 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:51.040 change men, you know, you just you absolutely can. They 0:08:51.040 --> 0:08:54.040 can be so freaking draining, and I find that with 0:08:54.160 --> 0:08:56.640 dating too, I'm like, well, fuck this, I'm not doing this, 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:59.480 Like I'd rather just focus on myself and my children. 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:02.720 Happy that you're like able to be that transparent and 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:04.000 talk honestly about it. 0:09:04.040 --> 0:09:06.600 I mean, like, obviously Eric and I haven't. 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:10.800 Been divorced, but we've both had breakups early on more 0:09:10.880 --> 0:09:13.720 or like you know, within our relationships or in our 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:14.560 child's lives. 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:15.760 But I think you're right. 0:09:15.800 --> 0:09:19.680 For women, we do naturally nurture and dedicate so much 0:09:19.760 --> 0:09:23.360 to pacifying men, to appeasing them. I mean it's a 0:09:23.360 --> 0:09:27.280 patriarchy to to you know, pretending like what, our identity 0:09:27.320 --> 0:09:30.040 doesn't exist in order to maintain the household and the 0:09:30.120 --> 0:09:33.240 children and a lot of times the second or third baby, 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:33.960 which is the man. 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:35.880 And I think there's also. 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:37.920 Like this curse because we just discussed this too, and this, 0:09:38.120 --> 0:09:39.000 like I call. 0:09:38.920 --> 0:09:41.720 It a curse of like this curse of having a 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:45.960 baby with someone and then feeling like if this doesn't 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:49.040 work out, my whole world is fucked. 0:09:49.440 --> 0:09:49.640 You know. 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:51.600 I had this plan as a little girl that I'm 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:54.680 gonna have a husband and a baby or two babies, 0:09:54.679 --> 0:09:57.720 a white picket fence, and we're gonna be that's how 0:09:57.720 --> 0:09:58.200 it's gonna work. 0:09:58.200 --> 0:09:59.360 I'm gonna have a support system. 0:09:59.600 --> 0:10:02.680 And I think we were drilled that so hard that 0:10:03.600 --> 0:10:08.440 women forget that, Hey, if this partner isn't helping you succeed, 0:10:08.559 --> 0:10:11.480 isn't supporting you, isn't it If it's not a mutual exchange, 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:15.960 then he's got to go. That's he's not adding to 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:18.520 you know, you moving forward, and it has to go 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:19.440 both ways. 0:10:19.720 --> 0:10:22.040 Yeah. So when I ended up, and you guys have 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:26.280 read the book, when I ended up deciding to separate 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:28.960 from my husband, I had never said these words out 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:31.640 loud until I said it to him and he completely 0:10:31.679 --> 0:10:35.320 got it. I was like, you're holding me back, and 0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:38.760 you're you're draining me, you know, and you're in my way. 0:10:39.280 --> 0:10:42.959 Because I had that conversation with him. After I was 0:10:43.000 --> 0:10:46.240 supposed to speak, I came up to New York and 0:10:46.320 --> 0:10:48.520 I my daughter and I actually had a mother daughter 0:10:48.559 --> 0:10:51.800 speaking a gig. She was like five at the time. 0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:54.760 Oh my god. Yeah, we had a mother daughter speaking 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:58.680 gig and he ended up having a seizure in the 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:03.959 hotel from alcohol withdrawal, and I had to speak very 0:11:04.080 --> 0:11:07.520 quickly and leave the conference. And I felt like I 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:11.280 had forever tarnished my brand name because it was starting 0:11:11.320 --> 0:11:13.920 to grow and I was dealing with somebody who was 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:15.600 putting me through this. So that's when I told him. 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:18.000 When we came back, I was like, you're holding me back, 0:11:18.040 --> 0:11:21.120 so you either need to figure yourself out or I'm gone. 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:24.040 And he didn't figure himself out, so I left. But 0:11:24.160 --> 0:11:26.320 you guys have read the book, you know, like it 0:11:26.360 --> 0:11:28.800 wasn't as easy to just separate, Like there were moments 0:11:28.840 --> 0:11:31.959 where I physically felt sick because of what you're saying. 0:11:32.520 --> 0:11:34.559 Like I had this family, and I was supposed to 0:11:34.559 --> 0:11:36.199 be this wife, and I was supposed to take care 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.400 of him. But people really don't tell you how hard 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:41.520 it is to truly take care of somebody, especially when 0:11:41.520 --> 0:11:44.280 they're depressed and they don't want to take care of themselves. 0:11:44.280 --> 0:11:46.559 There's only so much that you can do. And then 0:11:46.559 --> 0:11:48.640 I grew up in a household that was divorced, right, 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:51.959 my mother's been divorced twice, And I guess there's two 0:11:52.120 --> 0:11:54.800 sides to that coin because she was divorced twice, and 0:11:54.840 --> 0:11:58.080 I see how much she's still a advocate for love 0:11:58.160 --> 0:12:00.280 and she's a huge romantic and always as way for 0:12:00.320 --> 0:12:02.800 a night in shining arm or or save her. But 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:06.839 at the same time, she's wildly successful, and I feel 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:09.840 like it took her to become wildly successful in her 0:12:09.840 --> 0:12:13.080 fifties to finally settle down and get married for a 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:16.840 third time. Hopefully this one not gonna with my stepfather next. 0:12:17.520 --> 0:12:20.360 But you know, it's just it's it's all a craps. 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:21.680 It's just all a craps. 0:12:23.240 --> 0:12:25.680 I feel it's so funny how I really believe in 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:30.680 timing and just the universe, and this conversation couldn't be 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.000 like more on time. I feel like, I don't know, 0:12:33.040 --> 0:12:35.160 sometimes we get messages even if you're just listening in 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:37.199 the car or wherever you're at, whatever time you pick 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.839 up and push this podcast, like there's always gonna be 0:12:39.880 --> 0:12:41.719 something that you're supposed to hear at the very right. 0:12:41.760 --> 0:12:44.400 That's God, that's saying that's good, that's God. Yeah it happened. 0:12:45.040 --> 0:12:48.400 And I feel like when you're dealing with a partner 0:12:48.440 --> 0:12:50.600 who's dealing with depression or addiction. 0:12:51.320 --> 0:12:53.240 I dealt with that, and I didn't. 0:12:53.559 --> 0:12:55.680 I didn't want to talk about that a lot because 0:12:55.720 --> 0:12:59.120 I felt like I didn't want to shade this person. 0:12:58.960 --> 0:13:00.400 Who's my child's father. 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:04.920 But I think it's really hard for women to say 0:13:04.960 --> 0:13:08.240 to not feel guilty, Like especially black women. At what 0:13:08.400 --> 0:13:13.920 point do we say, Okay, I've tried, I've. 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:15.240 And I'm walking away. 0:13:15.400 --> 0:13:18.040 Now it's up to you, Like you can't save someone. 0:13:18.120 --> 0:13:19.760 I literally like, as much as. 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:22.880 I know my daughter's father is not my person same 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.080 I knew him since we were thirteen. We went you know, 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:28.320 junior high, high school, you know, college, go for years, 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:30.680 and a part of me even still to this day 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:36.440 feefe and it hurts, and there's a burden of like, damn, 0:13:36.440 --> 0:13:38.600 like did I not try hard enough? Like could I 0:13:38.679 --> 0:13:41.640 have pulled this person out of this place? Did I 0:13:41.720 --> 0:13:44.440 not stick around long enough? And even in my like 0:13:44.559 --> 0:13:48.400 glimpses of like like even still like wanting that in 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:51.280 some capacity or wanting that whatever I thought I was 0:13:51.280 --> 0:13:55.800 supposed to have. You know, I even with him, I 0:13:55.840 --> 0:13:59.679 see that he couldn't even acknowledge it enough to be like, 0:14:00.080 --> 0:14:02.880 you're right, it's me, you know, even till this day, 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:04.960 it's like you, what did you do? 0:14:05.080 --> 0:14:07.120 You did this? And I'm like, I can't. You know, 0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:08.480 you have to really. 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:11.560 As women cut ties when it doesn't like I think 0:14:11.600 --> 0:14:14.200 we're so programmed to not cut ties and not sore 0:14:14.320 --> 0:14:16.440 and not to be focused on ourselves. 0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:18.199 We're always fucking talking about. 0:14:19.080 --> 0:14:20.080 Men all the time. 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:22.680 All of my friends, Yeah, had problems. Are they finding 0:14:22.720 --> 0:14:24.320 a man? Are they getting a man? Did they leave? 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:24.640 Like me? 0:14:25.000 --> 0:14:25.080 Me? 0:14:25.160 --> 0:14:25.440 Men? 0:14:25.880 --> 0:14:28.480 And it's like we are so we're such strong women 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:31.360 and we're so we're such we're dynamic if we can 0:14:31.520 --> 0:14:34.040 just tap into that shit. And I admit I've had 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.720 a problem. I've struggled with that, you know, even till 0:14:36.720 --> 0:14:38.920 this day. And we haven't been together for like three years. 0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:41.680 So I just feel like, thank you for being honest 0:14:41.720 --> 0:14:44.640 and thank you for being transparent about you know, that journey, 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:48.360 because a lot of women stay and then I hate 0:14:48.360 --> 0:14:50.360 to be like on my deathbed and be like should 0:14:50.400 --> 0:14:51.000 have what it could have? 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:53.640 And basically that's where I was coming from. And not 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:55.880 only and let me just say that everything that I 0:14:56.080 --> 0:14:59.240 say in I interview, everything in the book, my ex 0:14:59.320 --> 0:15:02.800 husband proved he was he really wanted me to write 0:15:02.880 --> 0:15:05.000 and tell his story because he wanted to be able 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.440 to help somebody else who was going through it. Now 0:15:07.480 --> 0:15:10.080 fast forward, like I wrote a part of that. I've 0:15:10.120 --> 0:15:12.520 been writing Mama AF for a really long time, like 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:15.520 even while we were still happily married, and that said, 0:15:15.520 --> 0:15:17.200 I'm gonna put you in it. And then I was like, 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:20.160 should I put everything? And he was like absolutely. Now 0:15:20.360 --> 0:15:23.440 today he battles his addiction so much he has turned 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:26.440 into a different person. And that's another thing that could 0:15:26.600 --> 0:15:28.800 very well happen, like the person you're with could turn 0:15:28.880 --> 0:15:31.720 into a completely different person you don't even recognize. So 0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.120 if you do choose to stay, you have to deal 0:15:34.160 --> 0:15:37.040 with that. But not only did I try and make 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.480 it work and stay with him, I married him knowing 0:15:39.720 --> 0:15:42.280 that he had the addiction problem. So I really I 0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:45.440 felt like put and again this is like now hindsight 0:15:45.600 --> 0:15:47.400 and I can, you know, give myself a little bit 0:15:47.400 --> 0:15:49.320 of credit from how I was when I left him, 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:51.120 But I really think I gave it one hundred and 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:53.040 ten percent. If I married you knowing you. 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:54.600 Had a right right. 0:15:55.000 --> 0:15:58.760 And still had children with you, So yeah, how do. 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:02.160 You like when how did your children because you said, 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:04.120 you have a five year old and you have a 0:16:04.320 --> 0:16:05.320 I'm sorry twelve. 0:16:05.160 --> 0:16:06.440 Nine, nine, nine year old? 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:08.920 Yeah, how I know, there's a lot of people that 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:11.960 listen that are either married or going through divorce and 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:15.720 maybe their partner has suffered with addiction or how how 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:19.880 did you have your children, you know, been able to transition? Like, 0:16:19.960 --> 0:16:22.080 how are they how? I mean, obviously I'm sure they've 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:25.720 been affected. Yeah, how do you talk to them about 0:16:26.160 --> 0:16:26.640 about it? 0:16:27.120 --> 0:16:28.720 Yeah? And I bet they had. You know, there are 0:16:28.720 --> 0:16:30.600 a lot of people who have because the black people, 0:16:30.640 --> 0:16:32.960 we kind of sweep that under the rug, and a 0:16:33.040 --> 0:16:34.800 lot of people do have addiction problems and we don't 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.680 even call it that. But even he didn't want to 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:39.760 admit that in his family. He comes from a family 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:41.320 of that and they don't want to admit it. But 0:16:41.560 --> 0:16:45.920 with my daughter, she was about she was I think 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:49.360 she was five or six at the time, and we 0:16:49.400 --> 0:16:52.320 had the I had a conversation with her that because 0:16:52.320 --> 0:16:55.560 he couldn't even comprehend, like he was just incoherent. I 0:16:55.560 --> 0:16:57.960 had to have the conversation with her that we were moving. 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:02.160 So what ended up happening was on a Friday, I 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:05.600 was at my wits end by Saturday, we already had 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:08.520 an apartment, because that's how fast I move. I don't 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:11.880 play games. Once. Once I had decided, I had decided. 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:14.480 So I went to her on that Wednesday that I 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:17.640 had decided. I said, we're moving, and it's because mommy 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:19.919 and daddy need to be separate, and it has nothing 0:17:19.920 --> 0:17:22.440 to do with you. And I continuously to this day 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:26.639 reinforced that, so she realizes that I am my own 0:17:26.680 --> 0:17:28.960 person and I had to come to that decision. For me. 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:32.000 It's not coming to the decision as mommy. It's coming 0:17:32.000 --> 0:17:35.480 to the decision as Christine and what's best for Christine. 0:17:36.320 --> 0:17:38.560 And that's I think part of the difference. My son 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:42.000 was so small, he didn't really care. Every now and 0:17:42.040 --> 0:17:44.040 again he'll say, I mean and when I say every 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:46.600 now and again, I mean really theoradically will he say 0:17:46.720 --> 0:17:49.040 that he wishes his father was around or his father 0:17:49.160 --> 0:17:53.240 was there. But even through this whole coronavirus, they haven't 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:55.040 seen him at all. So they haven't seen him in 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:59.960 like what thirteen fourteen weeks and they're still happy children. Now. 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:03.320 My daughter is a control freak and has anxiety like 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:05.439 her mother, so she does try to take on the 0:18:05.520 --> 0:18:07.760 parental role when it comes to her dad, because she 0:18:08.119 --> 0:18:09.960 does know. I've told her that he has a problem 0:18:10.000 --> 0:18:13.120 with alcohol, because I want her to know early, so 0:18:13.160 --> 0:18:15.919 she does try to pacify him, and she's trying to 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:17.920 see him, to spend time with him, just to take 0:18:18.000 --> 0:18:21.080 care of him. But you know, that's something I have 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:24.399 her in therapy for. And I recognized very early on 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.760 her anxiety triggers and her signs because I could see them. 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:30.320 I knew them from me. So it's just a matter 0:18:30.359 --> 0:18:33.600 of just continuing to have like conversations with her. With 0:18:33.680 --> 0:18:36.880 my son, it's really not that big a deal at 0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:38.679 the moment. I imagine it will be when he's like 0:18:38.680 --> 0:18:43.280 a teenager. But for her right now, it's just trying 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:45.360 to pacify her dad, right. 0:18:45.960 --> 0:18:48.080 I mean, I think too, the fact that your daughter 0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:51.280 is nine and is in therapy, I mean that is 0:18:51.920 --> 0:18:53.960 I commend you for that because I think a lot 0:18:54.000 --> 0:19:00.119 of black women would not do that. First of all, 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:02.160 in our community, you know, we don't share, we don't 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:05.639 tell our business people, and we can handle it internally 0:19:05.760 --> 0:19:09.800 and we'll deal with it when we know we probably well, 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:12.879 I don't. I think me and Jamila, you we talk 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:15.080 about these issues all the time, so we are more equipped, 0:19:15.119 --> 0:19:17.159 but for the most part, we are not equipped to 0:19:17.240 --> 0:19:19.480 deal with it because we haven't dealt with our own 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:21.840 traumas from the past. So how are we going to 0:19:22.640 --> 0:19:25.199 assist our children in these things? We need help, We 0:19:25.240 --> 0:19:28.040 need to be able to ask for help. And you know, 0:19:29.119 --> 0:19:33.680 you know, I started therapy. I started doing therapy probably 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:37.840 in the middle of my at the very end of 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:40.320 my relationship with my daughter's father. That was the first 0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:43.119 time I really had ever sought out therapy, and it 0:19:43.200 --> 0:19:45.080 helped me a lot. I wished, though, that I had 0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:47.879 been in therapy as a child, because it would have 0:19:47.920 --> 0:19:50.159 helped me. I mean, I couldn't imagine how much it 0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:52.040