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Speaker 1: Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices. I'm Erica and

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Speaker 1: I'm Mila. Happy Wednesday, you guys, y'all, are you get hydrated?

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Speaker 2: Hydrated, humping and happy today?

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Speaker 1: I am excited because we have two time best selling author,

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Speaker 1: entrepreneur mom of two, Christine Michelle Carter on the podcast.

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Speaker 3: So welcome, Hey, thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 3: And I just noticed we both have a wrist tattoo. Okay,

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Speaker 3: I love it. Oh okay, oh fabulous gus.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna I'm not I have one of those.

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Speaker 1: Yeah I do, but you said you sent us your

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Speaker 1: book a while ago.

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Speaker 2: We featured it on our Instagram.

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Speaker 1: It's part of our book club, and so we are

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Speaker 1: super excited to have you on.

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Speaker 4: And he also said us some edibles, but that was

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Speaker 4: that was very thoughtful.

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Speaker 5: I appreciate that very much.

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Speaker 3: But hemp gummies, I guess.

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Speaker 2: I was like, okay, I was like, she knows us.

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Speaker 4: Right.

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Speaker 3: I wish they were they were filled with cannabis, but

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Speaker 3: for everybody listening, they were just hemp gummies, don't I

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Speaker 3: gave them out of my book party and people were like,

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Speaker 3: do you have the real thing?

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Speaker 4: I was like, I can't give you that right, and

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Speaker 4: I and my book party trying to get right exactly

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Speaker 4: unlike us over here, like everybody, you should take drugs,

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Speaker 4: And I'm just.

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Speaker 3: I'm a big advocate for that when it comes to mothers.

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Speaker 3: But yeah, I couldn't give it away at my party

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Speaker 3: Allegedly I'm allegedly an advocate because I wink.

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Speaker 1: So you you have two books, one is mom as

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Speaker 1: Fuck and the other one is to Mommy Go to Work.

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Speaker 1: Can you tell us just a little bit about your

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Speaker 1: journey into you know, writing Mom as Fuck. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know you're you are a big advocating You speak

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Speaker 1: a lot about, you know, women feeling unsupported in the

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Speaker 1: workplace and in motherhood in general.

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Speaker 2: Being an entrepreneur.

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Speaker 1: Yourself, I'm sure you know obviously this is a very

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Speaker 1: personal experience. So tell us a little bit about you

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Speaker 1: so our listeners get to know who you are and

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Speaker 1: how you started on your journey and advocating for a

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Speaker 1: single moments.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely so. Back in two thousand and seven, I started

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Speaker 3: a retail marketing firm and the idea was to help

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Speaker 3: small businessesses reach millennial consumers. Specifically, at the time, they

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Speaker 3: were called Generation Why, and I was helping them reach

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Speaker 3: them when they were at a younger life stage. So

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Speaker 3: fast forward to today, as millennial consumers go through different

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Speaker 3: life stages, I've just become an ed for at this

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Speaker 3: point working moms. I was always an advocate for us

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Speaker 3: in the workplace, but once I became a mom, it

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Speaker 3: was like, Nope, done, I'm not going to advocate for

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Speaker 3: anything else but us as moms in every facet of that.

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Speaker 3: What it means to be a black mom, what it

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Speaker 3: means to be a single mom, what it means to

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Speaker 3: be a mom who has a side hustle, everything that

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Speaker 3: has to do with being a millennial mom. And I

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Speaker 3: a part of me having that brand that business was

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Speaker 3: that I would contribute to different publications about millennial consumers.

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Speaker 3: So I still do that obviously to this day. I

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Speaker 3: write for Parents in Time and Forbes, and written for

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Speaker 3: a huff Posts and I'm the associate editor for Modern Mom.

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Speaker 3: And then I decided that it was time for me

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Speaker 3: to kind of put my money where my mouth is.

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Speaker 3: So five years ago I started a free professional development

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Speaker 3: event for moms called mom preneur Me. So basically, we

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Speaker 3: go across the country, We did pre COVID and we

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Speaker 3: helped moms learn professional development skills to spend time with

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Speaker 3: their kids too, so they would do yoga together, they

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Speaker 3: would do bowling, they would do all kinds of fun

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Speaker 3: things pay for by brands completely free. They would get

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Speaker 3: gifts at the end. And when I was going around

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Speaker 3: the country, I was just meeting so many different women

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Speaker 3: who had the same story, who were very afraid to

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Speaker 3: climb the corporate ladder because they felt guilty for doing

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Speaker 3: so for their kid, or they were battling with a

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Speaker 3: husband and didn't want the world to know it. And

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Speaker 3: just like, all these different stories made me realize how

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Speaker 3: much were siloed as mothers, even though social media is

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Speaker 3: supposed to connect us. And I just really decided that

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Speaker 3: I had to make my mission making women feel confident

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Speaker 3: and understood and showing them that they weren't alone. And

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Speaker 3: I did that through the two books. So through mom

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Speaker 3: AF and through Kim Mommy Go to Work. Kim Mommy

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Speaker 3: Go to Work was so that women understood that the

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Speaker 3: single mothers exist everywhere and children will always try to

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Speaker 3: stop you from going to work. It doesn't mean they

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Speaker 3: hate your job, they just want to be with their mom.

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Speaker 3: And mom AF was kind of like a loose story

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Speaker 3: of what I was going through during my separation and

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Speaker 3: ultimately my divorce. So it dealt with everything with regards

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Speaker 3: to being a woman in corporate America and being the

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Speaker 3: only black woman sometimes and having a husband who was

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Speaker 3: battling an addiction, and raising these children in today's society

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Speaker 3: and edibles like it dealt with everything. So that's me.

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Speaker 1: I know a lot in your book you talk about

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Speaker 1: the idea of you know, owning your shite and like

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Speaker 1: the good and the bad and the ugly, and obviously

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Speaker 1: like our podcast is really based in all of those things.

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Speaker 2: You know, we talk about all of.

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Speaker 1: Our bad choices that we've made. And I say that

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Speaker 1: with air quotes because a lot of the bad choices

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Speaker 1: are not bad, you know, that's what society has deemed

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Speaker 1: as bad. Like even like like you said, like going

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Speaker 1: to work, leaving your child to go to work, or

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Speaker 1: you know, smoking weed or whatever it may be, having

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Speaker 1: sex and talking about it.

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Speaker 2: You know, how like how do you how do you

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Speaker 2: find your balance?

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Speaker 1: I mean you just told me that you're you contribute

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Speaker 1: to so many different things, have so many things going on,

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Speaker 1: Like how the fuck do you do it?

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Speaker 6: Like?

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Speaker 2: I need tips? Because girl, I mean I do. I

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Speaker 2: basically have two jobs.

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Speaker 1: I have, you know, my podcast, which every week is

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Speaker 1: a full on production, and then you know, I work

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Speaker 1: in beauty and so you know, and and that business

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Speaker 1: is you know, since COVID hit has affected been affected

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Speaker 1: greatly and we've had to pivot in our business as well.

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Speaker 1: How like, with all the things you have going on,

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Speaker 1: how do you find the time? How do you find

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Speaker 1: time to hang out with your kids? Also write, feel inspired.

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Speaker 5: And then encourage other moms to get with it too.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, so definitely learning time management. I also am

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Speaker 3: not dating when I was married for a really long time.

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Speaker 3: We met in college and then the year we separated,

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Speaker 3: I wrote two books. I got my business that consults

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Speaker 3: for brands, state and federally certified. I was raising our children,

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Speaker 3: we were traveling, I was thriving, and people said the

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Speaker 3: same thing, how do you do it? How do you

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Speaker 3: find the balance? All that kind of stuff. That's when

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Speaker 3: mompreneur and me really became national, and we were going

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Speaker 3: all different cities and I was like, I don't have

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Speaker 3: to focus on a guy anymore. I don't have to

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Speaker 3: spend my time pacifying somebody. I got rid of one

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Speaker 3: of my children. I had three children, like, and he

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Speaker 3: had an addiction problem on top of that. Like, I

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Speaker 3: don't have to deal with all that shit anymore. So

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Speaker 3: I have all the time under the sun to thrive,

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Speaker 3: and I didn't. I put so much time after I

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Speaker 3: got out of college focusing on his career. No one

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Speaker 3: really knew what it was like for me to thrive

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Speaker 3: as an adult and as a professional. So now it

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Speaker 3: is so shocking to people. But it's kind of like,

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Speaker 3: I'm like, I I carried his ass, Like why are

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Speaker 3: you surprised? But that's honestly, that's the biggest thing for me,

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Speaker 3: is like that's how I find the time is because

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Speaker 3: I was doing a lot of things prior, but but

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Speaker 3: people didn't see it. But I was also taking care

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Speaker 3: of him, and now it was just like it's dead

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Speaker 3: weight gone, which is pretty freaking awesome. I gotta say,

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Speaker 3: I hate to be an advocate for divorce, but every

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Speaker 3: time a woman comes I do. But every time a

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Speaker 3: woman comes to me and she has this sad, sob

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Speaker 3: story about her husband and how he won't do this

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Speaker 3: and won't do that, I'm not the whole prey on it.

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Speaker 3: Go to therapy. I'm like, well, just leave his ass like.

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Speaker 1: Prayer, right right, skip go and collect you in a dollar.

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Speaker 3: Keep it moving, you know, Like it's because you can't

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Speaker 3: change men, you know, you just you absolutely can. They

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Speaker 3: can be so freaking draining, and I find that with

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Speaker 3: dating too, I'm like, well, fuck this, I'm not doing this,

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Speaker 3: Like I'd rather just focus on myself and my children.

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Speaker 4: Happy that you're like able to be that transparent and

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Speaker 4: talk honestly about it.

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Speaker 2: I mean, like, obviously Eric and I haven't.

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Speaker 4: Been divorced, but we've both had breakups early on more

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Speaker 4: or like you know, within our relationships or in our

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Speaker 4: child's lives.

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Speaker 2: But I think you're right.

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Speaker 4: For women, we do naturally nurture and dedicate so much

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Speaker 4: to pacifying men, to appeasing them. I mean it's a

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Speaker 4: patriarchy to to you know, pretending like what, our identity

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Speaker 4: doesn't exist in order to maintain the household and the

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Speaker 4: children and a lot of times the second or third baby,

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Speaker 4: which is the man.

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Speaker 2: And I think there's also.

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Speaker 5: Like this curse because we just discussed this too, and this,

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Speaker 5: like I call.

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Speaker 4: It a curse of like this curse of having a

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Speaker 4: baby with someone and then feeling like if this doesn't

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Speaker 4: work out, my whole world is fucked.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 4: I had this plan as a little girl that I'm

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Speaker 4: gonna have a husband and a baby or two babies,

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Speaker 4: a white picket fence, and we're gonna be that's how

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Speaker 4: it's gonna work.

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna have a support system.

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Speaker 4: And I think we were drilled that so hard that

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Speaker 4: women forget that, Hey, if this partner isn't helping you succeed,

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Speaker 4: isn't supporting you, isn't it If it's not a mutual exchange,

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Speaker 4: then he's got to go. That's he's not adding to

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Speaker 4: you know, you moving forward, and it has to go

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Speaker 4: both ways.

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Speaker 3: Yeah. So when I ended up, and you guys have

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Speaker 3: read the book, when I ended up deciding to separate

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Speaker 3: from my husband, I had never said these words out

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Speaker 3: loud until I said it to him and he completely

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Speaker 3: got it. I was like, you're holding me back, and

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Speaker 3: you're you're draining me, you know, and you're in my way.

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Speaker 3: Because I had that conversation with him. After I was

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Speaker 3: supposed to speak, I came up to New York and

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Speaker 3: I my daughter and I actually had a mother daughter

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Speaker 3: speaking a gig. She was like five at the time.

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Speaker 3: Oh my god. Yeah, we had a mother daughter speaking

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Speaker 3: gig and he ended up having a seizure in the

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Speaker 3: hotel from alcohol withdrawal, and I had to speak very

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Speaker 3: quickly and leave the conference. And I felt like I

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Speaker 3: had forever tarnished my brand name because it was starting

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Speaker 3: to grow and I was dealing with somebody who was

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Speaker 3: putting me through this. So that's when I told him.

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Speaker 3: When we came back, I was like, you're holding me back,

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Speaker 3: so you either need to figure yourself out or I'm gone.

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Speaker 3: And he didn't figure himself out, so I left. But

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Speaker 3: you guys have read the book, you know, like it

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Speaker 3: wasn't as easy to just separate, Like there were moments

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Speaker 3: where I physically felt sick because of what you're saying.

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Speaker 3: Like I had this family, and I was supposed to

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Speaker 3: be this wife, and I was supposed to take care

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Speaker 3: of him. But people really don't tell you how hard

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Speaker 3: it is to truly take care of somebody, especially when

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Speaker 3: they're depressed and they don't want to take care of themselves.

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Speaker 3: There's only so much that you can do. And then

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Speaker 3: I grew up in a household that was divorced, right,

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Speaker 3: my mother's been divorced twice, And I guess there's two

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Speaker 3: sides to that coin because she was divorced twice, and

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Speaker 3: I see how much she's still a advocate for love

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Speaker 3: and she's a huge romantic and always as way for

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Speaker 3: a night in shining arm or or save her. But

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Speaker 3: at the same time, she's wildly successful, and I feel

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Speaker 3: like it took her to become wildly successful in her

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Speaker 3: fifties to finally settle down and get married for a

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Speaker 3: third time. Hopefully this one not gonna with my stepfather next.

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Speaker 3: But you know, it's just it's it's all a craps.

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Speaker 3: It's just all a craps.

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Speaker 4: I feel it's so funny how I really believe in

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Speaker 4: timing and just the universe, and this conversation couldn't be

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Speaker 4: like more on time. I feel like, I don't know,

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Speaker 4: sometimes we get messages even if you're just listening in

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Speaker 4: the car or wherever you're at, whatever time you pick

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Speaker 4: up and push this podcast, like there's always gonna be

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Speaker 4: something that you're supposed to hear at the very right.

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Speaker 3: That's God, that's saying that's good, that's God. Yeah it happened.

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Speaker 4: And I feel like when you're dealing with a partner

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Speaker 4: who's dealing with depression or addiction.

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Speaker 2: I dealt with that, and I didn't.

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Speaker 4: I didn't want to talk about that a lot because

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Speaker 4: I felt like I didn't want to shade this person.

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Speaker 5: Who's my child's father.

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Speaker 4: But I think it's really hard for women to say

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Speaker 4: to not feel guilty, Like especially black women. At what

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Speaker 4: point do we say, Okay, I've tried, I've.

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Speaker 2: And I'm walking away.

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Speaker 5: Now it's up to you, Like you can't save someone.

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Speaker 2: I literally like, as much as.

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Speaker 4: I know my daughter's father is not my person same

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Speaker 4: I knew him since we were thirteen. We went you know,

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Speaker 4: junior high, high school, you know, college, go for years,

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Speaker 4: and a part of me even still to this day

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Speaker 4: feefe and it hurts, and there's a burden of like, damn,

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Speaker 4: like did I not try hard enough? Like could I

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Speaker 4: have pulled this person out of this place? Did I

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Speaker 4: not stick around long enough? And even in my like

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Speaker 4: glimpses of like like even still like wanting that in

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Speaker 4: some capacity or wanting that whatever I thought I was

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Speaker 4: supposed to have. You know, I even with him, I

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Speaker 4: see that he couldn't even acknowledge it enough to be like,

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Speaker 4: you're right, it's me, you know, even till this day,

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Speaker 4: it's like you, what did you do?

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Speaker 2: You did this? And I'm like, I can't. You know,

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Speaker 2: you have to really.

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Speaker 4: As women cut ties when it doesn't like I think

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Speaker 4: we're so programmed to not cut ties and not sore

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Speaker 4: and not to be focused on ourselves.

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Speaker 2: We're always fucking talking about.

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Speaker 3: Men all the time.

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Speaker 2: All of my friends, Yeah, had problems. Are they finding

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Speaker 2: a man? Are they getting a man? Did they leave?

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Speaker 1: Like me?

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Speaker 3: Me?

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Speaker 2: Men?

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Speaker 4: And it's like we are so we're such strong women

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Speaker 4: and we're so we're such we're dynamic if we can

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Speaker 4: just tap into that shit. And I admit I've had

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Speaker 4: a problem. I've struggled with that, you know, even till

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Speaker 4: this day. And we haven't been together for like three years.

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Speaker 4: So I just feel like, thank you for being honest

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Speaker 4: and thank you for being transparent about you know, that journey,

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Speaker 4: because a lot of women stay and then I hate

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Speaker 4: to be like on my deathbed and be like should

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Speaker 4: have what it could have?

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Speaker 3: And basically that's where I was coming from. And not

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Speaker 3: only and let me just say that everything that I

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Speaker 3: say in I interview, everything in the book, my ex

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Speaker 3: husband proved he was he really wanted me to write

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Speaker 3: and tell his story because he wanted to be able

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Speaker 3: to help somebody else who was going through it. Now

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Speaker 3: fast forward, like I wrote a part of that. I've

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Speaker 3: been writing Mama AF for a really long time, like

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Speaker 3: even while we were still happily married, and that said,

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Speaker 3: I'm gonna put you in it. And then I was like,

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Speaker 3: should I put everything? And he was like absolutely. Now

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Speaker 3: today he battles his addiction so much he has turned

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Speaker 3: into a different person. And that's another thing that could

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Speaker 3: very well happen, like the person you're with could turn

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Speaker 3: into a completely different person you don't even recognize. So

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Speaker 3: if you do choose to stay, you have to deal

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Speaker 3: with that. But not only did I try and make

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Speaker 3: it work and stay with him, I married him knowing

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Speaker 3: that he had the addiction problem. So I really I

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Speaker 3: felt like put and again this is like now hindsight

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Speaker 3: and I can, you know, give myself a little bit

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Speaker 3: of credit from how I was when I left him,

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Speaker 3: But I really think I gave it one hundred and

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Speaker 3: ten percent. If I married you knowing you.

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Speaker 2: Had a right right.

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Speaker 3: And still had children with you, So yeah, how do.

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Speaker 1: You like when how did your children because you said,

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Speaker 1: you have a five year old and you have a

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry twelve.

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Speaker 3: Nine, nine, nine year old?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, how I know, there's a lot of people that

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Speaker 1: listen that are either married or going through divorce and

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Speaker 1: maybe their partner has suffered with addiction or how how

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Speaker 1: did you have your children, you know, been able to transition? Like,

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Speaker 1: how are they how? I mean, obviously I'm sure they've

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Speaker 1: been affected. Yeah, how do you talk to them about

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Speaker 1: about it?

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Speaker 3: Yeah? And I bet they had. You know, there are

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Speaker 3: a lot of people who have because the black people,

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Speaker 3: we kind of sweep that under the rug, and a

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Speaker 3: lot of people do have addiction problems and we don't

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Speaker 3: even call it that. But even he didn't want to

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Speaker 3: admit that in his family. He comes from a family

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Speaker 3: of that and they don't want to admit it. But

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Speaker 3: with my daughter, she was about she was I think

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Speaker 3: she was five or six at the time, and we

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Speaker 3: had the I had a conversation with her that because

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Speaker 3: he couldn't even comprehend, like he was just incoherent. I

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Speaker 3: had to have the conversation with her that we were moving.

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Speaker 3: So what ended up happening was on a Friday, I

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Speaker 3: was at my wits end by Saturday, we already had

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Speaker 3: an apartment, because that's how fast I move. I don't

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Speaker 3: play games. Once. Once I had decided, I had decided.

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Speaker 3: So I went to her on that Wednesday that I

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Speaker 3: had decided. I said, we're moving, and it's because mommy

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Speaker 3: and daddy need to be separate, and it has nothing

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Speaker 3: to do with you. And I continuously to this day

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Speaker 3: reinforced that, so she realizes that I am my own

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Speaker 3: person and I had to come to that decision. For me.

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Speaker 3: It's not coming to the decision as mommy. It's coming

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Speaker 3: to the decision as Christine and what's best for Christine.

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Speaker 3: And that's I think part of the difference. My son

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Speaker 3: was so small, he didn't really care. Every now and

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Speaker 3: again he'll say, I mean and when I say every

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Speaker 3: now and again, I mean really theoradically will he say

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Speaker 3: that he wishes his father was around or his father

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Speaker 3: was there. But even through this whole coronavirus, they haven't

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Speaker 3: seen him at all. So they haven't seen him in

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Speaker 3: like what thirteen fourteen weeks and they're still happy children. Now.

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Speaker 3: My daughter is a control freak and has anxiety like

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Speaker 3: her mother, so she does try to take on the

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Speaker 3: parental role when it comes to her dad, because she

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Speaker 3: does know. I've told her that he has a problem

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Speaker 3: with alcohol, because I want her to know early, so

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Speaker 3: she does try to pacify him, and she's trying to

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Speaker 3: see him, to spend time with him, just to take

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Speaker 3: care of him. But you know, that's something I have

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Speaker 3: her in therapy for. And I recognized very early on

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Speaker 3: her anxiety triggers and her signs because I could see them.

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Speaker 3: I knew them from me. So it's just a matter

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Speaker 3: of just continuing to have like conversations with her. With

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Speaker 3: my son, it's really not that big a deal at

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Speaker 3: the moment. I imagine it will be when he's like

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Speaker 3: a teenager. But for her right now, it's just trying

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Speaker 3: to pacify her dad, right.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think too, the fact that your daughter

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Speaker 1: is nine and is in therapy, I mean that is

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Speaker 1: I commend you for that because I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of black women would not do that. First of all,

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Speaker 1: in our community, you know, we don't share, we don't

385
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:05,639
Speaker 1: tell our business people, and we can handle it internally

386
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Speaker 1: and we'll deal with it when we know we probably well,

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Speaker 1: I don't. I think me and Jamila, you we talk

388
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Speaker 1: about these issues all the time, so we are more equipped,

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Speaker 1: but for the most part, we are not equipped to

390
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Speaker 1: deal with it because we haven't dealt with our own

391
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Speaker 1: traumas from the past. So how are we going to

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Speaker 1: assist our children in these things? We need help, We

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Speaker 1: need to be able to ask for help. And you know,

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Speaker 1: you know, I started therapy. I started doing therapy probably

395
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Speaker 1: in the middle of my at the very end of

396
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Speaker 1: my relationship with my daughter's father. That was the first

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Speaker 1: time I really had ever sought out therapy, and it

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Speaker 1: helped me a lot. I wished, though, that I had

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Speaker 1: been in therapy as a child, because it would have

400
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Speaker 1: helped me. I mean, I couldn't imagine how much it

401
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,040
Speaker 1: could have helped me because I had so many like

402
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Speaker 1: even talking about my father, like the idea of my

403
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,080
Speaker 1: mom even asking me about him, I would just immediately

404
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:02,720
Speaker 1: cry on cue and she and she just didn't know

405
00:20:02,760 --> 00:20:04,480
Speaker 1: and she didn't know what to do about it, and

406
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Speaker 1: so she would just like kind of like let me

407
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Speaker 1: cry and then like we go get ice cream, and

408
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Speaker 1: then we wouldn't bring it up and.

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Speaker 2: Like until it happened again.

410
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Speaker 1: You know. Yeah, And I'm just so I am grateful

411
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Speaker 1: that therapy is becoming more and more normalized for children,

412
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Speaker 1: even like there's this, there's this, there's an app called

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Speaker 1: better Help that me and Jamila have been using. I

414
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Speaker 1: don't know if I don't know if you've heard of it,

415
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Speaker 1: and I've been I've been doing therapy now because my

416
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Speaker 1: therapist actually that I that I was seeing, uh stopped

417
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Speaker 1: taking insurance and she was like, just I couldn't afford it,

418
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Speaker 1: and so better Help. I actually had a session last night,

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Speaker 1: and it's great because like I'm able to choose my therapist.

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Speaker 1: She's a black woman, and you know, I feel like

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Speaker 1: for me that was really important. They also have therapy

422
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Speaker 1: for children as well adolescents. So if you're listening right

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Speaker 1: now and you feel like maybe your daughter, your son,

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Speaker 1: maybe you, maybe you and your husband need therapy, I

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Speaker 1: encourage you guys to check out betterhelp dot com.

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Speaker 2: It's virtual therapy. You can do it. I did it

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Speaker 2: in my room on FaceTime.

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Speaker 1: It was honestly like, even after COVID, I might not

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Speaker 1: ever go back to write therapy because there's something so

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Speaker 1: intimate about you being able to be in your place

431
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Speaker 1: of comfort and talking.

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Speaker 2: To that person and we get off the phone.

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Speaker 1: You don't have to walk out of an office, I'll

434
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Speaker 1: look at all teary eyed and shit.

435
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,040
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's like I thought it would be more awkward,

436
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,399
Speaker 4: but it's actually a little less awkward, you know, like

437
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,239
Speaker 4: just telling pulling out to a stranger and telling your

438
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,040
Speaker 4: business because it is you're in the comfort of your

439
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:36,440
Speaker 4: own home.

440
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:36,840
Speaker 2: Yeah.

441
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,639
Speaker 1: So, if you guys are interested in better help, check

442
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:40,879
Speaker 1: out the details of the episode means you.

443
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,560
Speaker 2: Me love talked about it a.

444
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:45,119
Speaker 1: Few different times, and I really, really really encourage you

445
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:48,320
Speaker 1: to get the help you need, because therapy shouldn't be

446
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:52,159
Speaker 1: this weird, scary thing, and especially for children, like especially

447
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,480
Speaker 1: when you're a child. Yeah, I mean, like she's, first

448
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,720
Speaker 1: of all, she's a girl, and girls we are we're

449
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:01,320
Speaker 1: nurturers by nature, and but at some point, though we

450
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,679
Speaker 1: have to that's already innately in us. We have to

451
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:08,399
Speaker 1: learn how and when to share that with people, regardless

452
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:12,119
Speaker 1: of if it's your family member or not. And I

453
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,879
Speaker 1: wish I would have had those tools early on. I

454
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,240
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't have wasted so much time in my last relationship. Now,

455
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,439
Speaker 1: my my ex was not an addict per se, but

456
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,440
Speaker 1: he had his own dark demons that he seemed to

457
00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,320
Speaker 1: be addicted to even to this day, like the need

458
00:22:27,359 --> 00:22:32,600
Speaker 1: to feel connected to shit that is dangerous just because.

459
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, and but all of those addictions, I'm

460
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:39,000
Speaker 3: sorry to cut you, ay, no, yeah, I mean essentially.

461
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,119
Speaker 1: It is kind of an addiction. It might not be

462
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 1: like an actual like substance substance addiction.

463
00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:46,560
Speaker 3: Right, but it's all driven by depression.

464
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:47,000
Speaker 7: You know.

465
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:52,720
Speaker 3: That's why I don't judge him for having the alcohol addiction.

466
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:56,240
Speaker 3: It's more so for not wanting to treat the depression.

467
00:22:57,040 --> 00:22:59,320
Speaker 3: And I honestly I don't judge him for that either,

468
00:22:59,359 --> 00:23:02,560
Speaker 3: but I recogniz that that's the issue, is that you're depressed,

469
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 3: you don't want to treat it, and there's nothing that

470
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,320
Speaker 3: I can do to stop your depression. Absolutely. When it

471
00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:11,760
Speaker 3: comes to my daughter, it's funny she's so vocal that

472
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,440
Speaker 3: it's in therapy that it's made her vocal around the house,

473
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,960
Speaker 3: Like she'll be like, I just need some meat time,

474
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 3: and she'll put on her aromatherapy oils and go in

475
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:25,480
Speaker 3: her room. And it helps to put names to things

476
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,880
Speaker 3: like when you are sick of being around people, if

477
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,359
Speaker 3: you want to say you want some me time, go ahead.

478
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,440
Speaker 3: By all means that means I can have some me time,

479
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,760
Speaker 3: so you go off and do that and it's funny.

480
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,720
Speaker 3: So we've had the same she's had our pediatrician since birth,

481
00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,479
Speaker 3: and our pediatrician is like, she's come to me, asking

482
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,400
Speaker 3: me questions and telling me about what her friends are doing.

483
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,679
Speaker 3: And she's like, can you believe that? But that's the

484
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:49,240
Speaker 3: kind of relationship and communication that I've built, And therapy

485
00:23:49,359 --> 00:23:50,240
Speaker 3: is also helping.

486
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 2: Damn, I didn't.

487
00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:57,359
Speaker 4: I didn't realize how much like therapy just really stimulates

488
00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:01,120
Speaker 4: the need, like the exercise of talking about out your feelings, right,

489
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:02,840
Speaker 4: I didn't even realize, like that's the thing, Like even

490
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,960
Speaker 4: you saying that story about your mama brings something up

491
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,560
Speaker 4: and you would just immediately cry. I remember, like my

492
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,919
Speaker 4: parents bringing up certain things and I just was like,

493
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,240
Speaker 4: don't say one more thing to me, I'm gonna cry.

494
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,920
Speaker 4: And then not wanting to be vulnerable in front of

495
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,959
Speaker 4: even my parents, not even wanting to cry, not even

496
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:19,560
Speaker 4: want to be like I feel this way, not even

497
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,720
Speaker 4: to myself, like I would may go on my room

498
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 4: and just cry, but then not even being able to identify,

499
00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:27,760
Speaker 4: you know, really just dig deep into those feelings and

500
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:30,880
Speaker 4: then express them and to the point where I'm thirty two,

501
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:35,439
Speaker 4: and I'm literally crying all the fucking time. I am.

502
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:36,720
Speaker 2: I'm crying all the time. I can cry on a

503
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 2: drop of a hat.

504
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:38,720
Speaker 3: A world has gotten to where to go.

505
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:42,720
Speaker 4: Yeah, And I'm just like, you're not work this out, girl,

506
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,320
Speaker 4: You're not You're not twelve year old girl anymore. You know,

507
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 4: Like I get even with certain friends, my closest friends, certain.

508
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,800
Speaker 2: Conversations even my not closest.

509
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,600
Speaker 5: Friends come up, and I'm like, I'm gonna cry. I

510
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,440
Speaker 5: don't want to cry, and I'm getting uncomfortable.

511
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:57,520
Speaker 4: I'm sweating, you know what I mean, Because it's just

512
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,960
Speaker 4: like my own insecurities, my own fears, my own shit.

513
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:04,520
Speaker 4: But you're making like this conversation is just so true

514
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,600
Speaker 4: because it's like and that's true, Like with the better

515
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 4: help with your kids getting therapy, there doesn't have to

516
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 4: be some traumatic situation to happen. It doesn't have to

517
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,359
Speaker 4: be divorced on the rise, it doesn't have to be

518
00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:14,840
Speaker 4: some you know, first.

519
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,680
Speaker 3: Of all, growing up as a traumatic situation.

520
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 1: Okay, like there's going to be just puberty and right, like,

521
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:24,719
Speaker 1: what's happening to my body?

522
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:25,680
Speaker 2: Who am I? Why?

523
00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,360
Speaker 3: Am I? Why? Mel all of a sudden, Right, why

524
00:25:28,359 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 3: do my friends act this way? Why are they doing things?

525
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,639
Speaker 3: Should I be doing the things that they're doing. That's

526
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,080
Speaker 3: what I'm dealing with, right, And.

527
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,760
Speaker 4: Then this this layer of social media and this other

528
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,479
Speaker 4: shit that we even experience growing up, this is a

529
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:40,879
Speaker 4: whole different season.

530
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,360
Speaker 2: And so like hell yeah.

531
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:44,159
Speaker 3: Right, like.

532
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:49,080
Speaker 5: I'm I I need to do more therapy.

533
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 4: I need to talk about my feelings more because I'm

534
00:25:52,119 --> 00:25:54,440
Speaker 4: trying to heal things that I didn't even realize I

535
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:55,880
Speaker 4: need to be healed until.

536
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, at thirty two. And that's crazy.

537
00:25:58,480 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 3: But can I tell you, I love that you say

538
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:05,040
Speaker 3: that you recognize your triggers, because it wasn't until somebody

539
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:08,840
Speaker 3: told me to watch Sleepless in Seattle that I realized

540
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:10,800
Speaker 3: one of I've never seen the movie before.

541
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,160
Speaker 2: Ryan, Yeah, yeah, let me write that down.

542
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,000
Speaker 3: Gonna get Sleepless in Seattle. That's a good movie. But

543
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:20,280
Speaker 3: I had never realized that one of my triggers is

544
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:24,359
Speaker 3: chick flicks. Like after I watch a chick flick, I ball,

545
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:28,200
Speaker 3: not while the movie is on, but afterwards, I ball uncontrollably.

546
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:33,240
Speaker 3: Because I don't want to admit that love and romance

547
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,879
Speaker 3: matters to me. I won't even admit that to myself,

548
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:38,240
Speaker 3: and then sometimes after I watch it, I'm like, just

549
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,160
Speaker 3: go ahead and cry, and I'll get the cry out

550
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,520
Speaker 3: and I'll realize how much I miss being in love

551
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,400
Speaker 3: and having romance. And I think it does stem from

552
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,680
Speaker 3: the fact that my mother is so into like the

553
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 3: her writing to me right, needing a man like that

554
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 3: completes and rounds out her life, and I so don't

555
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,359
Speaker 3: want to be like that that I push those feelings

556
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,480
Speaker 3: down and then you put a chick flick on one

557
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 3: and then I'm a mess.

558
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 2: Oh my god, that is me? Are you mean? Do

559
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 2: I he? Honest to God? Like I don't care these nagas.

560
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:09,119
Speaker 2: I don't mean.

561
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,560
Speaker 4: Like a year ago, I tried on my girlfriend's engagement

562
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,280
Speaker 4: ring just because that's what girls do, and literally, as soon.

563
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 2: As it hit the base in my finger, okay, I

564
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,840
Speaker 2: just started crying. I was like, what is happening.

565
00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,199
Speaker 4: I didn't even think it was gonna I didn't even

566
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:24,920
Speaker 4: feel like I was feeling no type of way.

567
00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:26,200
Speaker 2: I just want to try the ring on, see what

568
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,680
Speaker 2: I look like, go to a rock, And.

569
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,439
Speaker 4: Suddenly I was just like, I'm about to cry, you guys,

570
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:34,040
Speaker 4: and they're like the person I feel like, what what is?

571
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 2: Who are you?

572
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:35,760
Speaker 3: You do want to be married?

573
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:41,320
Speaker 2: I was like, I guess, oh my god, who are you?

574
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,560
Speaker 2: Oh my god? That makes me think of I'll never forget.

575
00:27:44,640 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 1: Like I was in my friends my girlfriend's wedding, Nisha,

576
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,800
Speaker 1: and it was during a time where like I wasn't

577
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 1: happy at all in my relationship, and but I was

578
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:58,360
Speaker 1: engaged and watching their like I just remember watching they

579
00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:00,160
Speaker 1: had like the montage of their whole love.

580
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 2: Story, and I was fucking miserable.

581
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:09,320
Speaker 1: I wanted to like, I was so sad at the wedding.

582
00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:12,280
Speaker 1: I was, Yeah, I was so sad. I was like

583
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:16,400
Speaker 1: mad at them for loving each other, right, I was like,

584
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,720
Speaker 1: how can they find love? They only know each other

585
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:22,520
Speaker 1: for like one year and they're getting married. Meanwhile, I've known,

586
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: I've been with this school.

587
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:28,720
Speaker 2: We don't have a love story like this.

588
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:32,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, so yeah, I know, yeah, I could see I

589
00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,640
Speaker 1: could see how those those it could be triggering for sure.

590
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

591
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,760
Speaker 4: And even like you said, you don't date, you're focusing

592
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,160
Speaker 4: in your career, Like I admire that too, because don't

593
00:28:42,200 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 4: let us get in love interest.

594
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,360
Speaker 2: We were getting distracted like a motherfucker.

595
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,400
Speaker 3: And that's what they do. And it's just such like

596
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,360
Speaker 3: so my everything again, everything that happened in the book

597
00:28:51,480 --> 00:28:53,560
Speaker 3: loosely happened in one way or another. My sister and

598
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,280
Speaker 3: brother made me set up a Bumble profile and I

599
00:28:57,320 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 3: was like, it's nothing but trash out here, and they're like,

600
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 3: you're swiping too fast. I said, but why do I

601
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,240
Speaker 3: have to take the time to think about if I

602
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 3: actually like you shouldn't be a gut reaction. So I'm

603
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,680
Speaker 3: like steady, like no, no, no. So then somebody was like,

604
00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:12,600
Speaker 3: go to match because it's more serious. Okay. I paid

605
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:15,440
Speaker 3: thirty nine ninety nine to be on that for four minutes.

606
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:19,600
Speaker 3: I literally deleted the app four minutes after I signed

607
00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:21,040
Speaker 3: up for it because I was like, it's the same

608
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:23,640
Speaker 3: fools that are on Bumble, they just paying for it.

609
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,520
Speaker 3: I was so angry. But that's the thing. I'm like,

610
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:28,760
Speaker 3: why do I have to spend the time get telling

611
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 3: you about myself, then you ultimately finding out what I do,

612
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 3: and you asking me for some type of hookup or

613
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,880
Speaker 3: asking me to help you with your writing. It's just

614
00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:39,840
Speaker 3: like there are too many different factors for me to consider,

615
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 3: and then you're definitely not gonna be around my kids,

616
00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:47,200
Speaker 3: Like absolutely not so this in this season in my life,

617
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:48,720
Speaker 3: I'm not focusing on that.

618
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:52,800
Speaker 4: Even for me, like now that I'm dating someone kind

619
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,000
Speaker 4: of seriously, I'm really like I tell Erica like I

620
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 4: was supposed to go to his house late and then

621
00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:58,040
Speaker 4: he asked.

622
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:00,080
Speaker 5: He told me he was hungry, and I was like,

623
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 5: are you want me to pick you up something?

624
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:08,600
Speaker 4: And he said yes, And I was pissed like this,

625
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,160
Speaker 4: and I'm like, which, this is a part of it,

626
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 4: Like people care for you, you care back. It's very bad,

627
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,760
Speaker 4: I know, right, And I'm just like, after being in

628
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:20,920
Speaker 4: such a draining relationship for so long where someone was

629
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:27,959
Speaker 4: depressed and abusive and mean, I'm like, after that, I

630
00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:31,360
Speaker 4: was like, never the fuck again. You're never gonna trick me.

631
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:34,440
Speaker 4: You're never gonna get me to be all acting crazy

632
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,720
Speaker 4: because I feel like my DNA was intertwined with this

633
00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 4: person to the fact to the point where I knew something.

634
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,920
Speaker 4: I knew all the flaws and I knew I couldn't

635
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,560
Speaker 4: help them, and I still was comfortable in the pain.

636
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:51,440
Speaker 4: And even even now untangling that that comfort, this comfort

637
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 4: in this terrible place is the strangest mind fuck for me,

638
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 4: Like I need there. This is why I'm in therapy

639
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:02,200
Speaker 4: because untangling that what I'm connecting to something that's so

640
00:31:02,560 --> 00:31:04,880
Speaker 4: abusive is like I had to look at myself and

641
00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:06,680
Speaker 4: the mayor like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

642
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:08,840
Speaker 4: You have some real shit you need to deal with,

643
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,440
Speaker 4: because if this is what you're missing and this is

644
00:31:11,480 --> 00:31:15,600
Speaker 4: what feels comfortable to you, this is this is a problem. Yeah,

645
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 4: And like to the point where I'm moving, I'm trying

646
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 4: to move forward. And because I do, I like, I

647
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 4: want to be in love and be married and shit

648
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 4: without you know, dropping off food and stuff. But also

649
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:28,800
Speaker 4: I'm just like I have to really come out of

650
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,719
Speaker 4: untangle that to be able to accept someone else and

651
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:35,560
Speaker 4: see a healthy, a healthy you know, relationship and see

652
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:38,240
Speaker 4: how it looks and give myself that way. Because when

653
00:31:38,280 --> 00:31:40,840
Speaker 4: I finally cut that shit off, I was like, don't

654
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:42,680
Speaker 4: even say relationships.

655
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 2: To me, Like even when Erica, when you you've been saying.

656
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 5: Boyfriend lately, I realize it triggers me, Like.

657
00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 2: I have type of.

658
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:56,440
Speaker 4: Show shut the fuck up, right, we're bad bitches for

659
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 4: life long forever.

660
00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:02,720
Speaker 3: It's so funny because we are, we are so alike.

661
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 3: I remember that it was it wasn't triggering me for

662
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,880
Speaker 3: me to see the kids because obviously you've had a

663
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,120
Speaker 3: child with the person you're talking about, and I have too.

664
00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:16,160
Speaker 3: But it took me some time to not have everybody

665
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:18,600
Speaker 3: talk trash about my ex husband. I was like, you

666
00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:20,520
Speaker 3: know what, that doesn't help you. Guys got to give

667
00:32:20,560 --> 00:32:23,680
Speaker 3: me time to heal and never say never. You don't

668
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,520
Speaker 3: know if I'm not going to get back with him,

669
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,080
Speaker 3: Just give me time to make my own decisions. And

670
00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:30,680
Speaker 3: that I remember that pissed my father off because of

671
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:33,200
Speaker 3: everything that it was going on through the separation, and

672
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,280
Speaker 3: I was like, but still at the end of the day,

673
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:37,720
Speaker 3: you know that is the person that I'm married. I

674
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 3: was just like you, I would rather be. I was

675
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:44,240
Speaker 3: comfortable in the pain. I'm not there anymore. And it's

676
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 3: funny when I talk about him now with the kids.

677
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 3: I finally allowed myself to heal, to talk about him

678
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,520
Speaker 3: like when we were growing up and how he was

679
00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 3: and how he laughs and all of that, and give

680
00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:57,800
Speaker 3: the kids great memories of their father, because it's hard,

681
00:32:57,880 --> 00:33:00,400
Speaker 3: like they're never gonna see the lighter side to him.

682
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 3: They barely remember that. My son doesn't remember it at all,

683
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,920
Speaker 3: my daughter barely does. They're only going to remember this

684
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,720
Speaker 3: guy that they see now, which.

685
00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 2: Is not who he was.

686
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 3: I would who not who? Right, God forbid he passed away.

687
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:14,080
Speaker 3: I wouldn't want them to remember him like that.

688
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,760
Speaker 1: What was the turning point for you where you realized

689
00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:18,680
Speaker 1: that you were past it?

690
00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:22,280
Speaker 2: Like? Was there some specific or was it the time

691
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:22,880
Speaker 2: in the hotel?

692
00:33:23,040 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 3: Yeah? It was a time in the hotel because that

693
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:29,040
Speaker 3: year he had had seven seizures and one year and

694
00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 3: he couldn't even remember it, and you would tell him

695
00:33:31,240 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 3: and he wouldn't remember it. And he also had issues

696
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 3: with his family. Who I can I his parents. I

697
00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,360
Speaker 3: cannot stand to this day where on the seventh seizure,

698
00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:41,480
Speaker 3: I told him you're not coming home. You stay in

699
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:45,280
Speaker 3: that hospital until you're well, and they signed his release

700
00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:47,760
Speaker 3: forms and took him out because to them, it's not

701
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 3: that big a deal.

702
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:52,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, that not that big a deal is a big deal,

703
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:53,320
Speaker 2: you know.

704
00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:56,800
Speaker 1: You know when I was talking to my therapist yesterday,

705
00:33:56,880 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 1: she was asking me if I still felt like we

706
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:02,600
Speaker 1: and me and her we went to on a little

707
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,360
Speaker 1: trip this last week, and I was telling her that

708
00:34:04,400 --> 00:34:08,560
Speaker 1: I still feel tethered in some capacity to this person.

709
00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 1: I'm always worried about him, like it's not that I

710
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,319
Speaker 1: love I do love, I'll always love him, but like

711
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:14,560
Speaker 1: I'm not I don't want to be with him, but

712
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:17,800
Speaker 1: I'm always worried about him, worried if he's about his safety,

713
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 1: specifically worried about his mental state, and like, how at

714
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:25,640
Speaker 1: what point am I gonna like.

715
00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:27,359
Speaker 2: Let go of that?

716
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:29,719
Speaker 1: And it's like, how do you do that when you

717
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:33,239
Speaker 1: share a human with someone? Because it's not even it

718
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:37,120
Speaker 1: is about some of it is like my my like

719
00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 1: letting go of whatever that those last final pieces of

720
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,839
Speaker 1: whatever that relationship is. But a lot of it has

721
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:47,360
Speaker 1: to do with like not wanting my daughter to experience that,

722
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:51,120
Speaker 1: and like not wanting her to feel hurt by his

723
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,480
Speaker 1: mental state or her to feel hurt by anything that

724
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:57,080
Speaker 1: could potentially happen to him because of the lack of

725
00:34:57,120 --> 00:35:00,799
Speaker 1: safety that he and the people that he has around him. Like,

726
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,840
Speaker 1: how have you been able to kind of like separate that.

727
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,319
Speaker 3: So that'll never go I honestly don't think that'll ever

728
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:10,839
Speaker 3: go away, because I thought you were gonna say, trying

729
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:12,920
Speaker 3: to hold onto a part of the relationship, but no,

730
00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:16,720
Speaker 3: I'm with you. I feel the same way. I don't.

731
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,839
Speaker 3: I could give a shit, especially because I don't get

732
00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,320
Speaker 3: child support. I could give a shit about what happens

733
00:35:21,360 --> 00:35:24,399
Speaker 3: to that man as a man. But what I am

734
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,240
Speaker 3: so concerned about is, like I said, what my daughter

735
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:29,960
Speaker 3: goes through or what my son could go through because

736
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,360
Speaker 3: it is a vicious cycle in his family. His father

737
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:34,399
Speaker 3: was the same way to him, and I don't want

738
00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:36,440
Speaker 3: my son to become an alcoholic and I don't want

739
00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 3: my daughter to be taking care of a grown man.

740
00:35:39,719 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 3: And I mean, it all goes back. I guess to

741
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:44,279
Speaker 3: my anxiety, and I have to tell myself, what is

742
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:47,480
Speaker 3: the absolute worst that could happen? And I always go

743
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:50,240
Speaker 3: to a place like te says, like she's like I always

744
00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:51,879
Speaker 3: go to a place of death, and I'm like one

745
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:56,480
Speaker 3: step from that. I'm always like severely injured. But I

746
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:59,560
Speaker 3: have to remind myself, like the worst that could happen is,

747
00:35:59,719 --> 00:36:02,520
Speaker 3: you know my daughter, She'll always come to me with

748
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:06,760
Speaker 3: her problems, so I can I can block something really

749
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,520
Speaker 3: bad from happening, I think with my daughter and my son.

750
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,680
Speaker 3: But it's it's I'm never gonna stop worrying about it.

751
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:15,160
Speaker 3: It's just I got to stop thinking about the worst

752
00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:18,520
Speaker 3: possible thing happening as a result of that I know.

753
00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:23,560
Speaker 1: I know, I've I've been like plagued by it lately.

754
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: I've been like seeing signs of like telling you me

755
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:27,560
Speaker 1: and I'm like, Yo.

756
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,120
Speaker 2: There's a crows. Black crows are following me.

757
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:33,880
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I've seen them everywhere, And like my

758
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:39,000
Speaker 1: boyfriend was like, uh, you're tripping, Like you need to

759
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:41,239
Speaker 1: look up the meaning black crows. They don't always mean death,

760
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,400
Speaker 1: they don't always mean negativity. And I was like, yeah, nigga, no,

761
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:47,160
Speaker 1: But like I know, I was like, I know how

762
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:51,320
Speaker 1: it makes to that when I see them and they're

763
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:53,960
Speaker 1: literally following me. They were circling my house yesterday. I

764
00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:55,680
Speaker 1: just don't know if I'm noticing more than ever. But

765
00:36:55,719 --> 00:36:57,279
Speaker 1: then there was a moment the other day and I

766
00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I have to like I've decided that

767
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:04,560
Speaker 1: I'm going to combat this with so much light that

768
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:06,600
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to give it any more power

769
00:37:06,719 --> 00:37:09,080
Speaker 1: because it's starting to like take over and I'm starting

770
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:12,160
Speaker 1: to be fearful that something negative is going to happen

771
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:14,279
Speaker 1: to him. And I know a lot of that is

772
00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:16,360
Speaker 1: based in fear because of our past relationship, because of

773
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,120
Speaker 1: the decisions that he's made in our relationship. He wanted

774
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:21,520
Speaker 1: me to feel like he was the leader and I

775
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 1: could trust him. But time and time again, his leadership failed,

776
00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 1: and therefore it always does. I don't trust your leadership,

777
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,480
Speaker 1: you know, And like, even to this day, he's always

778
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:33,360
Speaker 1: you have to trust me.

779
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:37,000
Speaker 6: I'm like, maybe you don't realize your track record is poor,

780
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:42,440
Speaker 6: but I think, like I'm glad that you said that

781
00:37:42,920 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 6: you don't know if it ever does, because and because

782
00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:47,360
Speaker 6: I really felt that way too, Like I don't know

783
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,800
Speaker 6: if I'll ever not worry about how.

784
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 2: This affects you.

785
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,520
Speaker 3: It's probably just the severity of how much you worry

786
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:55,399
Speaker 3: about it, but I think you're always worry about it.

787
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:58,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, And like now that I'm dating someone else, I'm

788
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 1: like also feeling like like is.

789
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 2: This unfair to him?

790
00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:02,920
Speaker 6: You know?

791
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:06,799
Speaker 1: Is this unfair to him that I'm still in some capacity?

792
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:09,240
Speaker 1: I get like the other day he saw my whole

793
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:11,640
Speaker 1: mood shift based on an interaction that I had with

794
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,360
Speaker 1: a man that I used to love, And I'm like,

795
00:38:14,400 --> 00:38:15,640
Speaker 1: how does that make him feel?

796
00:38:15,719 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 3: Like? Is pay?

797
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:21,040
Speaker 2: Because like, clearly this man still affects.

798
00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:23,719
Speaker 1: Me in some capacity, and these are things that I'm

799
00:38:23,719 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 1: now having to, like, you know, honor and adjust and

800
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:30,200
Speaker 1: think about now that I am in a relationship. But

801
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:34,839
Speaker 1: it's more so I worry. It's not about the relationship

802
00:38:34,920 --> 00:38:37,400
Speaker 1: or the fact that it's over. It's really like I

803
00:38:37,400 --> 00:38:39,880
Speaker 1: don't want to have to tell my daughter something like

804
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,440
Speaker 1: I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow and

805
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:43,520
Speaker 1: be like, so, daddy, you know what I mean?

806
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 2: Like yes, And then so I told and I told

807
00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,680
Speaker 2: him that too. I was like, they're gonna make me.

808
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:51,239
Speaker 1: You're gonna make me have this conversation with her, like

809
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,279
Speaker 1: you because sometimes I'd be like, nigga, do you want

810
00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:55,560
Speaker 1: to die? Right?

811
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,400
Speaker 8: And I haven't seizures in a year, I will do

812
00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:00,640
Speaker 8: you think it's gonna add to your lunch? Like I

813
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,480
Speaker 8: don't understand, Like I just I don't want to have

814
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:06,279
Speaker 8: to have that conversation like that's just yet one more

815
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,719
Speaker 8: way that I will have felt hurt by you, Like

816
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:10,239
Speaker 8: can you.

817
00:39:10,239 --> 00:39:12,160
Speaker 2: Just get this right?

818
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:14,400
Speaker 4: I'm just I think it's just like let me be

819
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 4: frea not having you don't have control.

820
00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:18,560
Speaker 2: You don't have That's what it is.

821
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:22,320
Speaker 3: And that's what anxiety is. You can't control things exactly.

822
00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:24,399
Speaker 4: And I feel like this is like I think there's

823
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:28,640
Speaker 4: no heartbreak like or no breakup like the breakup of

824
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:31,560
Speaker 4: the person you share a child with and usually your

825
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:33,400
Speaker 4: first child with, or you know what I mean, like

826
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:36,960
Speaker 4: because my thing is not like a care about his

827
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 4: health there as well being, but also like I'm judging

828
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:40,600
Speaker 4: myself for caring.

829
00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 2: I'm like, want to shake the shit out of me

830
00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:47,040
Speaker 2: and I can't, and that that that makes me sad.

831
00:39:47,520 --> 00:39:48,279
Speaker 2: It makes me sad.

832
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:50,960
Speaker 4: I know all the facts, I know this person is this, this,

833
00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,040
Speaker 4: and that this person does not honor me, does not

834
00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:56,360
Speaker 4: respect me, and there's still some fucking shit inside of

835
00:39:56,400 --> 00:39:57,879
Speaker 4: me that really gives a fuck.

836
00:39:58,520 --> 00:40:00,760
Speaker 2: And I think it is because I thought.

837
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:03,239
Speaker 4: I don't have this family and they're like, you know,

838
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:06,000
Speaker 4: I'm like, why did you have to fucking why.

839
00:40:05,840 --> 00:40:08,000
Speaker 2: Can't you just grow the fuck up like everybody else's

840
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,759
Speaker 2: man who had a kid? But did they No? I mean,

841
00:40:10,800 --> 00:40:12,240
Speaker 2: I don't know, but I'm just that's.

842
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:17,880
Speaker 3: Because because you never realize how many people are in

843
00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:22,239
Speaker 3: shitty relationships. Because once I got divorced, everybody wanted to

844
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:24,799
Speaker 3: tell me about how they hated their husband. People were like,

845
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:27,719
Speaker 3: I can't wait till he dies because then I'm not

846
00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaker 3: kidding you, it's crazy. It was not until I got

847
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:34,000
Speaker 3: divorced that people who I thought had fabulous marriages they

848
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:37,120
Speaker 3: cannot stand their husband. So don't believe that hype, do not.

849
00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:43,920
Speaker 4: I saw my parents have like a long, crazy, fighting,

850
00:40:44,440 --> 00:40:47,120
Speaker 4: cheating relationship like till this day they're married and who

851
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:49,960
Speaker 4: knows what the fuck they're doing, but like crazy, And

852
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:52,200
Speaker 4: I always felt like my mom was just like.

853
00:40:53,960 --> 00:40:57,040
Speaker 5: Just like couldn't couldn't do without him.

854
00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:58,360
Speaker 2: She would just pass out.

855
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:00,719
Speaker 4: And faint if this nigga left, Like no matter what

856
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:04,239
Speaker 4: he did, she stayed and stayed and stayed, even if

857
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:06,319
Speaker 4: it was even if it was just craziness and the

858
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:08,359
Speaker 4: chaos in the house. And my whole thing was like,

859
00:41:08,719 --> 00:41:10,799
Speaker 4: I do not want to be this person. I do

860
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:12,960
Speaker 4: not want to depend on someone so bad that like,

861
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 4: no matter what, I won't leave them. And then you

862
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:18,000
Speaker 4: know what I think I'm I'm kind of like I'm

863
00:41:18,080 --> 00:41:19,479
Speaker 4: kind of battling with the.

864
00:41:19,400 --> 00:41:20,839
Speaker 5: Feeling of like I'm not her.

865
00:41:21,080 --> 00:41:25,120
Speaker 4: I left, but I'm still hurting really badly from the

866
00:41:25,120 --> 00:41:26,560
Speaker 4: disappointment of this person.

867
00:41:27,320 --> 00:41:35,040
Speaker 7: I'm gonna cry again, Oh lord.

868
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:34,680
Speaker 2: I'm always crying this month.

869
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:39,840
Speaker 4: He's crying as you But you know, I feel like

870
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 4: I feel like that's what something like a lot of

871
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:44,960
Speaker 4: moms deal with, you know, a lot of just holding

872
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,840
Speaker 4: on to something and loving someone so hard that you

873
00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:51,000
Speaker 4: just you almost have to learn to live with it,

874
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:54,200
Speaker 4: learn to like give it space and live with the

875
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,239
Speaker 4: fact that you're going to love someone that may not.

876
00:41:57,719 --> 00:41:58,359
Speaker 2: Love you back.

877
00:41:59,000 --> 00:41:59,320
Speaker 3: Yeah.

878
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:01,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, and not the way that you want. And I

879
00:42:01,680 --> 00:42:03,920
Speaker 2: think it's like a morning you have to mourn it.

880
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:06,319
Speaker 2: You have to you have to cry, you have to

881
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:08,400
Speaker 2: cry it out, you have to release it. You can't.

882
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,000
Speaker 1: And that's the thing too, like us talking about like

883
00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:14,279
Speaker 1: black women that were always so strong, and it's like, yeah,

884
00:42:14,360 --> 00:42:17,040
Speaker 1: and that's great, but like when do we get the

885
00:42:17,080 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 1: space to not be, you know, and to feel it

886
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:22,520
Speaker 1: and to mourn it and to cry and to scream

887
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:27,800
Speaker 1: and to just you know, not feel like we failed.

888
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:30,760
Speaker 2: It was all our fault. We didn't try hard enough,

889
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:31,080
Speaker 2: you know.

890
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:34,560
Speaker 3: I mean, because like I said, I was deciding by

891
00:42:34,640 --> 00:42:36,520
Speaker 3: a Saturday where I was living. I was taking the

892
00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,120
Speaker 3: kids around to see apartments. I was going to steamroll

893
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:42,400
Speaker 3: it and go full steam ahead. And my aunt told me,

894
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 3: she was like, can you just for me, just stop

895
00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:47,720
Speaker 3: for a moment and feel it and mourn and grieve.

896
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 3: And I did, Like I had to sit and mourn

897
00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,920
Speaker 3: the fact that the person that I when he was

898
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:56,839
Speaker 3: a good person, when he had his ups like, that

899
00:42:56,880 --> 00:43:00,920
Speaker 3: person had died. Basically he had completely turned into somebody

900
00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:03,640
Speaker 3: I didn't know. So that's why I also think if

901
00:43:03,640 --> 00:43:06,360
Speaker 3: something happens to him now, I'm not as attached to

902
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,680
Speaker 3: that person because alcohol, addiction and depression can really turn

903
00:43:10,760 --> 00:43:13,239
Speaker 3: you into a completely different person. So that's not the

904
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:16,239
Speaker 3: person I'm married. I had to mourn the death, and

905
00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:19,120
Speaker 3: it was painful to mourn the death of the person

906
00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:22,319
Speaker 3: that I had married while they are still alive, right, I.

907
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,439
Speaker 2: Know, because memories are a motherfucker man.

908
00:43:24,520 --> 00:43:26,719
Speaker 1: They will just pop up and you will hold on

909
00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 1: to them so hard. Those moments where you're like, I

910
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:31,839
Speaker 1: I saw the best part of you.

911
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:35,360
Speaker 2: What happened? What happened to that moment where we've made

912
00:43:35,400 --> 00:43:37,200
Speaker 2: those vows where we said we.

913
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,440
Speaker 3: Made these people, we made these little people.

914
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:41,759
Speaker 2: We made these people. You look in my eyes.

915
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:43,879
Speaker 1: You said you were going to promise, you promise you're

916
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:46,120
Speaker 1: gonna protect us. You promise you we're gonna fight for us.

917
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:47,719
Speaker 1: You promise you're gonna show up for us.

918
00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:52,000
Speaker 3: Right, and it's like now left for these big hands,

919
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:59,680
Speaker 3: big Fea leave me at the house of home during COVID.

920
00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:05,040
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, wow, what's your sign?

921
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:06,760
Speaker 3: Christine Gemini?

922
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:08,440
Speaker 5: Oh what's your birthday?

923
00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:09,719
Speaker 3: June fourteenth?

924
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:12,920
Speaker 2: Oh my god, same as my baby daddy and Trump.

925
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:17,040
Speaker 1: I know, I know when you said Gemini, I knew

926
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:18,200
Speaker 1: you were gonna say June fourteenth.

927
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:19,799
Speaker 2: I don't know why not that you remind.

928
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,960
Speaker 3: Me of him? Oh okay, funny.

929
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:30,200
Speaker 2: He's actually very intelligent. He's just you know, troubled. So

930
00:44:30,520 --> 00:44:32,520
Speaker 2: I saw I saw that.

931
00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:37,000
Speaker 1: You know, you've obviously you've explored and written so many

932
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: different things about you know, motherhood and what I was

933
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:45,320
Speaker 1: reading this article today that you had written recently about

934
00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:49,319
Speaker 1: infertility in the black community, and it really struck me

935
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,719
Speaker 1: because I think, like me and Jamila have talked about like,

936
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:55,920
Speaker 1: you know, we're in our thirties now, and like the

937
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:58,839
Speaker 1: idea of freezing your eggs is like this big thing

938
00:44:58,920 --> 00:45:02,440
Speaker 1: amongst friends. Lot of our friends don't have kids, and

939
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:04,400
Speaker 1: you know, people are starting to have children later and

940
00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:07,160
Speaker 1: later because women, you know, we're our careers are taking

941
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:12,200
Speaker 1: off and you know, our priorities have changed, and you know,

942
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:14,319
Speaker 1: oftentimes like I'll laugh and be like I don't need

943
00:45:14,320 --> 00:45:16,640
Speaker 1: to freeze my egg like I'm a shit work. I'm good,

944
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:19,319
Speaker 1: but like I don't actually know that to be true

945
00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:22,360
Speaker 1: for sure, right.

946
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:21,360
Speaker 6: And.

947
00:45:22,840 --> 00:45:23,719
Speaker 2: Also like.

948
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:27,239
Speaker 1: When I was reading an article I was, I was

949
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:31,200
Speaker 1: really what struck me the most was like the idea

950
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:35,920
Speaker 1: that and I find because I'm Mexican too, like the

951
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:39,719
Speaker 1: stigma around like like Latino Latino people, Latino people is

952
00:45:39,719 --> 00:45:42,680
Speaker 1: that like we just are baby making machines, right, Like

953
00:45:42,719 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 1: we just pop them out like every six months. And

954
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:50,920
Speaker 1: the same with black the same with the Black community

955
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:53,400
Speaker 1: that we you know, because we just keep having kids

956
00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:57,919
Speaker 1: that we can't afford, right, have all these children welfare, right,

957
00:45:58,000 --> 00:46:01,799
Speaker 1: and but no, no one really talks about you know,

958
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:05,720
Speaker 1: women that want to have children that really they can't

959
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 1: or that have had issues and the shame that goes

960
00:46:09,719 --> 00:46:13,160
Speaker 1: along with even talking about it amongst especially in the

961
00:46:13,200 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 1: black community. I feel like it's way more normal and

962
00:46:15,840 --> 00:46:17,799
Speaker 1: like I hear white women talk about the shit like

963
00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:18,879
Speaker 1: they're ordering.

964
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:22,840
Speaker 3: Coffee hello, and men and men there's a lot of

965
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:25,360
Speaker 3: shame with men too. And I'm a mom, prenured me

966
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,839
Speaker 3: my team when somebody wrote about that, like the infertility

967
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:32,440
Speaker 3: that men experience. But you're right, like among the white community.

968
00:46:32,520 --> 00:46:36,279
Speaker 3: It's it's no big deal, like it's almost it's almost

969
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:40,160
Speaker 3: and again this is it's now an employee benefit, so

970
00:46:40,320 --> 00:46:40,719
Speaker 3: it's a.

971
00:46:40,719 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 2: Designer it's almost like, well, it's an employee benefit.

972
00:46:44,320 --> 00:46:48,319
Speaker 3: So so basically, if somebody wants to explore freezing their

973
00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:54,920
Speaker 3: eggs or fertility options, that is now an available company benefit. Wow,

974
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:58,000
Speaker 3: because they have made it so mainstream.

975
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:00,440
Speaker 1: It's literally like, well, you can't have you can't have

976
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:02,600
Speaker 1: a baby naturally, It's fine, we can design one for.

977
00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:06,960
Speaker 3: You, but that's or do your career. You're going to

978
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 3: become a manager, senior manager, then let's put a baby

979
00:47:10,080 --> 00:47:12,120
Speaker 3: in there and then we'll keep going on our career

980
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:15,879
Speaker 3: like it's now a planned part of your career.

981
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:20,600
Speaker 2: Right, And it's just crazy. I mean I think too.

982
00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:22,400
Speaker 1: I mean, when I was reading the article I was,

983
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:24,560
Speaker 1: I took aid.

984
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:26,160
Speaker 2: It said.

985
00:47:28,360 --> 00:47:31,279
Speaker 1: Said only eight percent of black women seek medical health

986
00:47:31,320 --> 00:47:34,680
Speaker 1: to get pregnant, compared to fifteen percent of white women.

987
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:37,880
Speaker 1: But it can also be attributed to the historical belief

988
00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:42,279
Speaker 1: that infertility doesn't exist within the black community. The black

989
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 1: woman has forever The black woman as forever fertile is

990
00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 1: a notion held over from slavery. And I didn't even

991
00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:54,120
Speaker 1: realize how deep, how deep that is. And it makes

992
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:59,040
Speaker 1: total sense because yeah, like we had the children, we

993
00:47:59,080 --> 00:48:02,000
Speaker 1: also took care of so many people's children, like we

994
00:48:02,000 --> 00:48:06,759
Speaker 1: were wet nurses, like we just we almost are like

995
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 1: considered just the care taker, and therefore we must be

996
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,080
Speaker 1: able to bear children as well.

997
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:16,840
Speaker 3: Exactly. You know what drives me crazy, informal duelers. You

998
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:19,440
Speaker 3: know what drives me crazy is we are these maternal

999
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:25,600
Speaker 3: essence beings on the planet. Yeah, we're so unappreciated. It's

1000
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:31,120
Speaker 3: it's wild, It's absolutely wild. We're raising children from our communities,

1001
00:48:31,320 --> 00:48:34,960
Speaker 3: our friends, kids, our families, kids, other races. We are

1002
00:48:35,080 --> 00:48:39,960
Speaker 3: these caring, nurturing our men, these caring, nurturing beings, and

1003
00:48:40,040 --> 00:48:42,960
Speaker 3: yet we are so unappreciated. What is the to me?

1004
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:46,439
Speaker 3: It just it blows my mind the dichotomy there.

1005
00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:49,880
Speaker 2: And they wonder where the angry black women right exactly?

1006
00:48:50,440 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 3: How about you respect the fact that I just gave

1007
00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:57,440
Speaker 3: you a fucking caprice son. How about that? How about

1008
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:59,200
Speaker 3: I just worked eight hours and now you're asking me

1009
00:48:59,239 --> 00:49:02,399
Speaker 3: to play roadblocks with you. I don't feel like it.

1010
00:49:03,840 --> 00:49:04,920
Speaker 3: My daughter, every day.

1011
00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 4: I found myself like snapping and my daughter's like, like,

1012
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:14,960
Speaker 4: don't call me crazy, right, talking to me like a

1013
00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:17,520
Speaker 4: chick on the street, right, right exactly.

1014
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:22,000
Speaker 1: I was even thinking about, you know, the idea, the

1015
00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:26,080
Speaker 1: controversy that surrounded like Beyonce's pregnancies, right, like and like

1016
00:49:26,239 --> 00:49:29,960
Speaker 1: the and the secret the secretness of it all and

1017
00:49:30,040 --> 00:49:33,520
Speaker 1: the seculation of whether or not she had them, and

1018
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:37,799
Speaker 1: like really so much judgment within our community against her,

1019
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:41,279
Speaker 1: like the idea that she can't have kids, like.

1020
00:49:41,280 --> 00:49:44,560
Speaker 2: The superwoman woman who was you know, down all these

1021
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:47,360
Speaker 2: amazing things. Hat she also she can't have it.

1022
00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:50,360
Speaker 4: But but do you think it was the black community

1023
00:49:50,840 --> 00:49:55,399
Speaker 4: putting that sigma on the charade that we thought took

1024
00:49:55,440 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 4: place of the pretend pregnancy. Do you think had had

1025
00:50:00,560 --> 00:50:04,279
Speaker 4: We're definitely speculating, right because we don't know Yeah, okay,

1026
00:50:04,280 --> 00:50:06,480
Speaker 4: we don't know if Blue Ivy she carried her or whatever.

1027
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:10,719
Speaker 4: But like, do you think has she been like, hey,

1028
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:15,840
Speaker 4: I'm super robot Queen Beyonce, and I am having trouble

1029
00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,160
Speaker 4: getting pregnant. Like I think I think our community would

1030
00:50:19,160 --> 00:50:19,960
Speaker 4: have been more receptive.

1031
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:20,960
Speaker 2: I think it should.

1032
00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:24,480
Speaker 4: It could have been a very like a turning point

1033
00:50:24,520 --> 00:50:27,560
Speaker 4: for this conversation in our community. Had she been willing

1034
00:50:27,880 --> 00:50:32,799
Speaker 4: to maybe express before Lemonade that she had miscarriages, that hey,

1035
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:35,520
Speaker 4: I can dance and sing and backflip and I could,

1036
00:50:35,719 --> 00:50:36,880
Speaker 4: you know, do all these things.

1037
00:50:36,920 --> 00:50:38,319
Speaker 2: But I'm struggling here.

1038
00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:40,280
Speaker 4: I think that's why for me, like I love Beyonce,

1039
00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:42,439
Speaker 4: don't come for me be high.

1040
00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:46,640
Speaker 3: Look. I was about to say, wait, pause, disclaimer, which

1041
00:50:46,760 --> 00:50:50,840
Speaker 3: won't do because I have a picture Beyonce is Mona

1042
00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:57,239
Speaker 3: Lisa in my office right, But I think, but but

1043
00:50:57,320 --> 00:50:59,960
Speaker 3: you know what, as much as I say that would

1044
00:51:00,400 --> 00:51:05,600
Speaker 3: absolutely drives me crazy about Beyonce and have been being

1045
00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:10,000
Speaker 3: her fan since she was sixteen, is she is a

1046
00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:13,520
Speaker 3: business and she is a brand, and you're absolutely right

1047
00:51:13,520 --> 00:51:15,400
Speaker 3: we have no right to know that information. But what

1048
00:51:15,520 --> 00:51:19,440
Speaker 3: she will always do first and foremost is protect her brand.

1049
00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 3: So back, I always say, like, what drove me crazy

1050
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:26,919
Speaker 3: about her? When she was doing Deja Vu and did

1051
00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:30,080
Speaker 3: I Am Sausha? Fearce was like, why are you making

1052
00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:35,040
Speaker 3: these cutesy songs when you're engaged or you're married and

1053
00:51:35,120 --> 00:51:37,839
Speaker 3: you're really going through struggles and you're going through relationship

1054
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,680
Speaker 3: issues and I feel like you're still singing about upgrade

1055
00:51:40,719 --> 00:51:43,919
Speaker 3: you Like I need you to be relatable and then

1056
00:51:44,040 --> 00:51:45,920
Speaker 3: she came out with Beyonce, and then she came out

1057
00:51:45,960 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 3: with Lemonade, and I was like, thank you God.

1058
00:51:48,320 --> 00:51:49,480
Speaker 4: Likely well, I.

1059
00:51:49,400 --> 00:51:52,160
Speaker 1: Mean, unfortunately in her defense, not that I know you

1060
00:51:52,280 --> 00:51:53,760
Speaker 1: Beyonce at all, but she's.

1061
00:51:53,600 --> 00:51:54,480
Speaker 2: Been doing this a long time.

1062
00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 1: She's been a brand, No, but she has she's been

1063
00:51:58,520 --> 00:52:02,400
Speaker 1: She started this when she was a child. Essentially, people, yeah,

1064
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:04,759
Speaker 1: white people told her what she was allowed to do

1065
00:52:05,120 --> 00:52:08,120
Speaker 1: and how she was allowed to show up and the thing,

1066
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:12,360
Speaker 1: and like imagine like how many deals that she couldn't

1067
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,920
Speaker 1: she wouldn't have gotten had she had had a lemonade

1068
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:17,120
Speaker 1: in two thousand and.

1069
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:19,439
Speaker 2: Four, you know what I mean? Yeah, and I get

1070
00:52:19,440 --> 00:52:21,880
Speaker 2: all that. I think. I think honestly, her sister was

1071
00:52:21,920 --> 00:52:23,560
Speaker 2: really took made her brave.

1072
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:27,560
Speaker 3: I loved her. I'm reading this.

1073
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:31,200
Speaker 1: And I also love but I also say, like you know,

1074
00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:34,719
Speaker 1: you said, going back to the pregnancy and whether or

1075
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:39,600
Speaker 1: not whatever, how how it had she been open enough,

1076
00:52:39,800 --> 00:52:41,840
Speaker 1: it would have you know, opened up the conversation.

1077
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:45,040
Speaker 2: But like that's the problem is that we don't.

1078
00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,200
Speaker 1: She didn't feel safe doing that, she didn't feel encouraged

1079
00:52:48,280 --> 00:52:51,040
Speaker 1: enough to do that, she didn't feel empowered enough to

1080
00:52:51,080 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 1: do that.

1081
00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:52,840
Speaker 2: Even being fucking Beyonce.

1082
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:55,600
Speaker 3: If that wasn't you think she would? But do you think?

1083
00:52:55,640 --> 00:52:57,200
Speaker 3: But that's what goes back to my point, like, I

1084
00:52:57,239 --> 00:52:59,680
Speaker 3: don't know that she would like it took her so

1085
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:02,360
Speaker 3: long to even address the fact that people were talking

1086
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:04,839
Speaker 3: about her daughter's hair when my kid was running around

1087
00:53:04,840 --> 00:53:06,360
Speaker 3: with the same hair, and I wrote an article for

1088
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:09,000
Speaker 3: Harper's Bizarre about it, like I'm always I am in

1089
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:11,560
Speaker 3: a different position. I guess as a person. I don't

1090
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:14,040
Speaker 3: think that Beyonce would ever be in that position to

1091
00:53:14,200 --> 00:53:16,640
Speaker 3: just be like, look, this is my daughter's head, Get

1092
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:17,200
Speaker 3: the fuck off.

1093
00:53:18,640 --> 00:53:22,319
Speaker 4: I feel like, now, now, after all these years, she

1094
00:53:22,719 --> 00:53:24,279
Speaker 4: is coming into herself and.

1095
00:53:24,239 --> 00:53:27,080
Speaker 2: She's like, I'm rich, bitch, I'm gonna talk to my

1096
00:53:27,160 --> 00:53:27,680
Speaker 2: black ship.

1097
00:53:27,960 --> 00:53:30,160
Speaker 4: I'm gonna say, yeah, there's a there's a million billion

1098
00:53:30,200 --> 00:53:31,200
Speaker 4: dollars in the elevator.

1099
00:53:31,239 --> 00:53:31,960
Speaker 3: Fuck y'all right.

1100
00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:34,600
Speaker 4: But it's taken for her to be so long I'm

1101
00:53:34,640 --> 00:53:36,920
Speaker 4: there forty to be like, okay, fuck it, let me

1102
00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:38,839
Speaker 4: be me and you know what, And I respect that

1103
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:41,799
Speaker 4: because we don't know her existence and she has been

1104
00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:42,720
Speaker 4: doing the ship for forever.

1105
00:53:42,800 --> 00:53:46,239
Speaker 5: She probably was programmed to be a low key robot's.

1106
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:47,879
Speaker 3: The juvenile industry and navigating fear.

1107
00:53:48,440 --> 00:53:50,160
Speaker 5: At any point this could be taken away.

1108
00:53:50,480 --> 00:53:55,480
Speaker 3: Yeah, God, bless your Beyonce.

1109
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:55,960
Speaker 5: Making bringing her out of the closet.

1110
00:53:56,239 --> 00:53:59,120
Speaker 1: But I use that as an example of, like, you know,

1111
00:53:59,239 --> 00:54:03,279
Speaker 1: black women not feeling safe enough or comfortable enough to

1112
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:07,319
Speaker 1: talk openly and discuss, you know, their issues, whether it's

1113
00:54:07,360 --> 00:54:10,760
Speaker 1: about you know, infertility, whether it's about you know, whatever,

1114
00:54:10,840 --> 00:54:16,000
Speaker 1: it is, therapy, all those things. And you know, white

1115
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:19,759
Speaker 1: women feeling very empowered by so.

1116
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:22,480
Speaker 2: Many of my white friends growing up, like would.

1117
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:25,920
Speaker 1: Brag about going to therapy like, oh yeah, my therapist

1118
00:54:26,160 --> 00:54:28,319
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, and I'd be like, bitch, we're talking

1119
00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:29,760
Speaker 1: about this out loud.

1120
00:54:29,520 --> 00:54:32,360
Speaker 2: Like, and it just became normal.

1121
00:54:32,640 --> 00:54:35,640
Speaker 1: It was normalized to discussed your feelings, normalized to talk

1122
00:54:35,680 --> 00:54:39,480
Speaker 1: about your vagina, normalized to talk about you know, your whatever.

1123
00:54:39,560 --> 00:54:42,239
Speaker 1: And especially and don't even get me started and as

1124
00:54:42,239 --> 00:54:46,200
Speaker 1: far as black men talking about infertility, because they would never,

1125
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:47,120
Speaker 1: never take accountability.

1126
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:49,239
Speaker 2: It's not me, it's not me. My shit work, my

1127
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:50,799
Speaker 2: shit work, right right right.

1128
00:54:51,040 --> 00:54:53,799
Speaker 3: And but you know what, in contrast to that, to

1129
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:56,000
Speaker 3: that very point, you got Britney Spears who lost her

1130
00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:58,400
Speaker 3: damn mind and she has two kids and it's okay

1131
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:00,120
Speaker 3: for her to lose her mind and lose her kids

1132
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:04,160
Speaker 3: and on Instagram and be crazy, and Beyonce could never

1133
00:55:04,239 --> 00:55:05,160
Speaker 3: do that.

1134
00:55:05,640 --> 00:55:09,960
Speaker 1: Well, child services would be at Beyonce's house if she

1135
00:55:10,080 --> 00:55:11,160
Speaker 1: was making these dance videos.

1136
00:55:11,200 --> 00:55:13,839
Speaker 4: I don't think Brittany has her kids because she's she's

1137
00:55:13,840 --> 00:55:16,279
Speaker 4: fully full time dedicated to dancing in the living room.

1138
00:55:17,560 --> 00:55:18,560
Speaker 2: But nobody says, but.

1139
00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:21,400
Speaker 4: You know what, that's so true, not even just Brittany,

1140
00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:26,279
Speaker 4: who's clearly gone left field. And what's the other, uh,

1141
00:55:26,360 --> 00:55:29,520
Speaker 4: the other white chick who's like a pop singer who

1142
00:55:29,640 --> 00:55:31,480
Speaker 4: they she overdose on heroin and then she.

1143
00:55:31,600 --> 00:55:36,200
Speaker 3: Like some heroin and then like six months later, hosted

1144
00:55:36,239 --> 00:55:37,359
Speaker 3: an award show or some ship.

1145
00:55:37,560 --> 00:55:41,080
Speaker 2: Nobody's so ship. Demian's fun not to say you gotta bed.

1146
00:55:41,400 --> 00:55:46,080
Speaker 3: You know she's struggling truth, struggling a drug.

1147
00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:49,520
Speaker 4: Whitney so damn bad Whitney's they're dragging her in her death.

1148
00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:53,920
Speaker 4: We do not have the same privilege to be to

1149
00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:56,480
Speaker 4: fuck up, to be parents and fun up, to be

1150
00:55:56,719 --> 00:56:00,280
Speaker 4: to exist in fuck up. It doesn't exist. We can

1151
00:56:00,320 --> 00:56:03,000
Speaker 4: barely smoke weed and have kids and talk about sex.

1152
00:56:03,000 --> 00:56:05,840
Speaker 4: I mean we can, We're not Beyonce, but it's just

1153
00:56:05,880 --> 00:56:09,400
Speaker 4: this stigma that we can only be one way, and

1154
00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:09,879
Speaker 4: that's right.

1155
00:56:10,040 --> 00:56:12,800
Speaker 2: If we fuck it up, we're done. That's how reputation

1156
00:56:12,960 --> 00:56:13,279
Speaker 2: for life.

1157
00:56:13,320 --> 00:56:17,320
Speaker 3: We can only play the supporting role. We cannot have lives, full, full,

1158
00:56:18,520 --> 00:56:21,240
Speaker 3: holistic lives. We have to be the supporting girl.

1159
00:56:21,760 --> 00:56:22,480
Speaker 2: Right.

1160
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,720
Speaker 4: I even feel bad because I didn't really think about

1161
00:56:24,719 --> 00:56:27,279
Speaker 4: infertility because obviously it's not something that I personally have

1162
00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:29,280
Speaker 4: dealt with, and I don't have a lot of friends

1163
00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:32,920
Speaker 4: who have per se like close friends, but I do have.

1164
00:56:33,120 --> 00:56:35,000
Speaker 4: My best friend is the same age as me. She's

1165
00:56:35,000 --> 00:56:37,480
Speaker 4: about to be thirty three, and she's like obsessed with

1166
00:56:37,640 --> 00:56:39,719
Speaker 4: wanting a family and having a baby, and like me

1167
00:56:39,800 --> 00:56:42,400
Speaker 4: and me and our other friend have friends like kids.

1168
00:56:42,719 --> 00:56:44,520
Speaker 5: Everybody's starting to have kids, and like her whole thing

1169
00:56:44,600 --> 00:56:45,239
Speaker 5: is like, where's my.

1170
00:56:45,239 --> 00:56:47,520
Speaker 2: Kid, where's my baby, where's my husband.

1171
00:56:47,600 --> 00:56:50,000
Speaker 4: I'm like, chill out, chill out, like I think about

1172
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:51,600
Speaker 4: I mean, know, if my thirty five, I'm just gonna

1173
00:56:51,600 --> 00:56:53,759
Speaker 4: do with a friend, I'm gonna freeze my eggs. I'm like, girl,

1174
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,719
Speaker 4: shut the fuck up. And the truth is I'm a bitch.

1175
00:56:56,760 --> 00:56:58,719
Speaker 4: I'll be like, guess some white people shit, you want

1176
00:56:58,760 --> 00:57:00,840
Speaker 4: to freeze your eggs. But you're thirty two and a half.

1177
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:04,799
Speaker 3: Chill, You're funny. I'm so busy mothering everybody, you know,

1178
00:57:04,920 --> 00:57:07,600
Speaker 3: my best friend. So I'm like, I want that experience

1179
00:57:07,680 --> 00:57:11,640
Speaker 3: for you, and you would make wonderful and I do.

1180
00:57:11,680 --> 00:57:13,399
Speaker 3: I do it. I do want.

1181
00:57:13,480 --> 00:57:14,840
Speaker 1: I want you to, but I don't want you to

1182
00:57:14,920 --> 00:57:16,560
Speaker 1: worry about it. And I just feel like it's just

1183
00:57:16,560 --> 00:57:16,960
Speaker 1: not funny.

1184
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:17,880
Speaker 2: It's easy for you to.

1185
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:19,320
Speaker 1: Say I can as you have a kid.

1186
00:57:19,320 --> 00:57:21,960
Speaker 2: Exactly and what she says, and I understand that. And

1187
00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:24,800
Speaker 2: then now at thirty two, I'm like, hmm, do.

1188
00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:26,200
Speaker 4: I want to kid? I guess, shit, I guess I

1189
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:28,520
Speaker 4: gotta got I got a three three years to decide,

1190
00:57:28,560 --> 00:57:30,320
Speaker 4: and shit, because that's what the doctor tells you. You got

1191
00:57:30,400 --> 00:57:32,400
Speaker 4: to be by thirty five. Your shit's getting old.

1192
00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:35,880
Speaker 3: And my doctor told me at twenty nine. So that's

1193
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 3: why I pretty much wrote the article. Was not because

1194
00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:41,480
Speaker 3: I was experiencing fertility, but both times were a challenge

1195
00:57:41,520 --> 00:57:43,240
Speaker 3: for me. So with my nine year old, I had

1196
00:57:43,280 --> 00:57:47,400
Speaker 3: proclamshaw and I was and basically I was in labor

1197
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:50,240
Speaker 3: from a Wednesday to a Sunday. I was having attractions.

1198
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:53,760
Speaker 3: And then with my son when he was born. My

1199
00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:56,520
Speaker 3: blood pressure shot to two thirty and I could feel

1200
00:57:56,560 --> 00:57:58,880
Speaker 3: nerves in my brain. And the neurologists came in and said,

1201
00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:01,520
Speaker 3: a woman of your age we having children And I

1202
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:02,479
Speaker 3: was twenty nine.

1203
00:58:02,600 --> 00:58:06,800
Speaker 4: Wait, so I had preclamcia, So this age in preclamsia

1204
00:58:07,080 --> 00:58:08,040
Speaker 4: have relation.

1205
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,360
Speaker 3: Those were two different pregnants. Okay, No, those are two

1206
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:11,000
Speaker 3: different pregnants.

1207
00:58:11,040 --> 00:58:13,560
Speaker 4: But even if your blood pressure was high with your

1208
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:15,480
Speaker 4: second that means that was proclamsia too.

1209
00:58:15,600 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 3: No, they didn't tell me that. They didn't diagnose it

1210
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:21,560
Speaker 3: its proclampsit the second time, of course, not because you're black.

1211
00:58:21,640 --> 00:58:22,760
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say that sounds right.

1212
00:58:23,120 --> 00:58:26,560
Speaker 3: Basically, they gave me, basically a cat scan, told me

1213
00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:28,480
Speaker 3: I was fine, and then instaid a woman of my

1214
00:58:28,520 --> 00:58:30,200
Speaker 3: age shouldn't be having any more children.

1215
00:58:30,560 --> 00:58:35,400
Speaker 4: Wow, wow, Yeah, and we never we don't really consider

1216
00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:37,560
Speaker 4: also the fact that you know, freezing eggs is a

1217
00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:40,800
Speaker 4: very expensive process and it's not very accessible.

1218
00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:42,680
Speaker 1: You know IVF And when I was reading an article

1219
00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:44,520
Speaker 1: it can be up to twelve thousand dollars a year,

1220
00:58:44,600 --> 00:58:48,120
Speaker 1: and like, we don't want to talk about what black

1221
00:58:48,120 --> 00:58:51,439
Speaker 1: women and women of color get paid annually, right, And

1222
00:58:51,480 --> 00:58:54,080
Speaker 1: the idea that if we ever before we even can

1223
00:58:54,120 --> 00:58:57,400
Speaker 1: even possibly even afford that, we're probably well into our

1224
00:58:57,440 --> 00:59:01,040
Speaker 1: late thirties, right, you know, especially if we're not married

1225
00:59:01,080 --> 00:59:02,520
Speaker 1: and we want to do this on our own and

1226
00:59:02,520 --> 00:59:04,760
Speaker 1: we don't have someone contributing to that.

1227
00:59:04,920 --> 00:59:08,680
Speaker 2: It's like these conversations just they just don't.

1228
00:59:08,840 --> 00:59:11,440
Speaker 1: They don't happen, like I have never Like I have

1229
00:59:11,520 --> 00:59:14,200
Speaker 1: one friend who she's black, and she actually did go

1230
00:59:14,240 --> 00:59:18,280
Speaker 1: through IBF and she was there, like I felt like

1231
00:59:18,320 --> 00:59:20,720
Speaker 1: she was almost ashamed to talk about it, you know,

1232
00:59:20,920 --> 00:59:22,560
Speaker 1: and because it feels and I get it.

1233
00:59:22,560 --> 00:59:23,920
Speaker 2: It's not even just being black.

1234
00:59:23,960 --> 00:59:26,880
Speaker 1: I think as women, we feel like we this is

1235
00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:30,080
Speaker 1: our like civic duty, like we must be able to

1236
00:59:30,120 --> 00:59:32,960
Speaker 1: do this, and if not, somehow we're less then we're

1237
00:59:33,000 --> 00:59:33,600
Speaker 1: less than a.

1238
00:59:33,560 --> 00:59:35,360
Speaker 3: Woman, yeah, less than human?

1239
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:39,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, So I think normalizing the conversations like white

1240
00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:41,840
Speaker 1: people do, like literally, like they are excited about their

1241
00:59:41,880 --> 00:59:44,880
Speaker 1: IVF treatments, right, they're excited to tell us me about

1242
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:46,080
Speaker 1: like what they're.

1243
00:59:45,880 --> 00:59:48,960
Speaker 3: There is tell them, you know, and it's it's funny.

1244
00:59:49,000 --> 00:59:53,200
Speaker 3: So the article that you're referencing, I interviewed Kimrie who

1245
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:56,200
Speaker 3: was on Single Parents or I can't remember what the

1246
00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,360
Speaker 3: show was called, but I know her from being on

1247
00:59:58,400 --> 01:00:01,320
Speaker 3: the MINDI Project. She was when Mindy was dating the

1248
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:03,800
Speaker 3: white guy. She was his ex wife, and I think

1249
01:00:03,840 --> 01:00:07,920
Speaker 3: she's absolutely gorgeous. She has sent me all these photos

1250
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:09,920
Speaker 3: of her doing IVF and she was like, and make

1251
01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:12,640
Speaker 3: sure you shared with everybody. And it's expensive. And she's

1252
01:00:12,640 --> 01:00:15,400
Speaker 3: an actress, she's a working actress, and she's still like,

1253
01:00:15,880 --> 01:00:20,360
Speaker 3: it's expensive, it's painful. There's for some reason we don't

1254
01:00:20,360 --> 01:00:23,120
Speaker 3: talk about it as black women. Please, like, educate as

1255
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:25,280
Speaker 3: many Black women as you can about it.

1256
01:00:25,720 --> 01:00:27,560
Speaker 2: That's amazing, that's so cool.

1257
01:00:28,040 --> 01:00:30,479
Speaker 1: Well, I'm grateful because I'm grateful that I stumbled upon

1258
01:00:30,480 --> 01:00:34,480
Speaker 1: that article because I really I never even thought about

1259
01:00:34,480 --> 01:00:37,840
Speaker 1: it in the perspective of, you know, the shame surrounding

1260
01:00:37,840 --> 01:00:42,040
Speaker 1: it as black women, and you know, the stigma of

1261
01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:44,400
Speaker 1: the fact, like the stigma that follows us that we

1262
01:00:44,480 --> 01:00:48,479
Speaker 1: are just these fertile, myrtle women, you know, and that's

1263
01:00:48,520 --> 01:00:51,400
Speaker 1: just not It's not always the case, and we should be.

1264
01:00:51,360 --> 01:00:52,960
Speaker 2: Able to talk about it and normalize it.

1265
01:00:55,040 --> 01:00:58,480
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm stressed up.

1266
01:01:00,800 --> 01:01:03,440
Speaker 3: I'm like, oh god, now I feel bad.

1267
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:05,640
Speaker 2: I need to free some eggs.

1268
01:01:06,000 --> 01:01:08,320
Speaker 4: And you know what else, people don't really to discuss

1269
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,200
Speaker 4: which I guess is the same can go.

1270
01:01:10,120 --> 01:01:12,920
Speaker 5: And it's not infertility, but like early menopause.

1271
01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:16,439
Speaker 4: I have a friend, a friend of a friend who

1272
01:01:16,520 --> 01:01:19,040
Speaker 4: just was like, you know, she's like thirty nine or

1273
01:01:19,080 --> 01:01:21,440
Speaker 4: in her forties, and she was like, her period started

1274
01:01:21,440 --> 01:01:24,000
Speaker 4: getting less and less. And I was like, did you

1275
01:01:24,040 --> 01:01:25,720
Speaker 4: want to have kids? And she was like, I wanted

1276
01:01:25,760 --> 01:01:30,680
Speaker 4: the option, you know, And it's just like just again,

1277
01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:33,040
Speaker 4: one of those things I had even dawned. I mean,

1278
01:01:33,080 --> 01:01:35,840
Speaker 4: what if my period just started to slim up? You know,

1279
01:01:36,760 --> 01:01:39,200
Speaker 4: just so many things that we're not discussing in that

1280
01:01:39,360 --> 01:01:40,880
Speaker 4: you know, a lot of us are dealing with and

1281
01:01:40,920 --> 01:01:43,480
Speaker 4: we're not really recognizing, and.

1282
01:01:43,440 --> 01:01:45,120
Speaker 3: A lot of things that I feel like we are

1283
01:01:45,240 --> 01:01:49,120
Speaker 3: still praying on. And it's not that I'm not a

1284
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:51,760
Speaker 3: woman of faith. I just think that in twenty twenty,

1285
01:01:51,800 --> 01:01:54,400
Speaker 3: with all of the resources and all of the community

1286
01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:57,960
Speaker 3: that we have available to us that women in previous

1287
01:01:57,960 --> 01:02:00,600
Speaker 3: generations didn't have and all you did have was faith

1288
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,840
Speaker 3: in your neighbor, that we should do a little bit

1289
01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:06,360
Speaker 3: more than leverage faith and.

1290
01:02:06,240 --> 01:02:08,680
Speaker 5: Like a fertility ceremony right and.

1291
01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:12,960
Speaker 3: Whole faith in like such a high regard. It's funny

1292
01:02:13,000 --> 01:02:15,480
Speaker 3: that so that article you're talking about the infertility one.

1293
01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:17,840
Speaker 3: People were talking about how family members were telling them

1294
01:02:17,840 --> 01:02:20,200
Speaker 3: to pray on it. And then I wrote another piece

1295
01:02:21,080 --> 01:02:24,280
Speaker 3: which is kind of related, about the fact that a

1296
01:02:24,360 --> 01:02:26,840
Speaker 3: lot of women nowadays are turning back to a lot

1297
01:02:26,880 --> 01:02:29,760
Speaker 3: of women of color are turning back to being brujas

1298
01:02:29,800 --> 01:02:34,120
Speaker 3: and and women who are more spiritual than religious in

1299
01:02:34,200 --> 01:02:38,120
Speaker 3: a very specific faith. And the backlash that I received

1300
01:02:38,120 --> 01:02:42,000
Speaker 3: from older black women and mothers about that article. How

1301
01:02:42,120 --> 01:02:45,520
Speaker 3: dare you say that products like candles and oils and

1302
01:02:45,560 --> 01:02:48,600
Speaker 3: whatnot can replace Jesus. I didn't say that.

1303
01:02:48,880 --> 01:02:49,600
Speaker 1: I hear that.

1304
01:02:49,800 --> 01:02:50,080
Speaker 4: Girl.

1305
01:02:50,760 --> 01:02:54,280
Speaker 5: I went to my cousin's house, sorry to interrupt.

1306
01:02:53,840 --> 01:02:56,600
Speaker 2: You, and you know you didn't know my cousin's getting

1307
01:02:56,600 --> 01:02:57,000
Speaker 2: hairit it.

1308
01:02:57,040 --> 01:02:58,520
Speaker 5: I was now with this other girl that.

1309
01:02:58,640 --> 01:03:02,240
Speaker 4: Was there, and she has some some sage, so I

1310
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:03,240
Speaker 4: just pick up the stage.

1311
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:03,960
Speaker 2: I'm talking.

1312
01:03:04,160 --> 01:03:06,520
Speaker 5: I start lighting this sage and you know, I'm thinking

1313
01:03:06,560 --> 01:03:09,200
Speaker 5: I'm doing a good deed for the room. I started

1314
01:03:09,240 --> 01:03:10,160
Speaker 5: saging everybody.

1315
01:03:10,240 --> 01:03:13,720
Speaker 2: The girl was like, a no, I don't do all that.

1316
01:03:13,800 --> 01:03:14,880
Speaker 2: I was like, oh, you're allergic.

1317
01:03:15,400 --> 01:03:16,760
Speaker 5: She was like, I believe in Jesus.

1318
01:03:16,880 --> 01:03:19,960
Speaker 2: I was like, girl, Jesus made stage.

1319
01:03:21,640 --> 01:03:25,400
Speaker 3: Mean my daughter's like out bad spirits. Like she's like,

1320
01:03:25,400 --> 01:03:26,880
Speaker 3: it's the first of the month. We got to clean

1321
01:03:26,880 --> 01:03:29,439
Speaker 3: the house. We got a sage. I want the juju out,

1322
01:03:29,640 --> 01:03:34,400
Speaker 3: send your daughter to me. Right, we hold on the

1323
01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:35,360
Speaker 3: faith way too much.

1324
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:40,280
Speaker 4: Is a blindly blindly And my my biggest thing is

1325
01:03:40,280 --> 01:03:43,760
Speaker 4: like I you know, I respect everybody's faith or whatever path.

1326
01:03:43,800 --> 01:03:46,800
Speaker 5: I feel like all paths to God, whatever path you want.

1327
01:03:46,680 --> 01:03:54,000
Speaker 4: To take, Judaism, bodyism, whatever it is, that's that's ours.

1328
01:03:58,640 --> 01:04:02,800
Speaker 4: But like for especially for black people, my biggest thing was,

1329
01:04:03,480 --> 01:04:05,280
Speaker 4: first of all, I didn't grow up religious. My dad

1330
01:04:05,360 --> 01:04:07,480
Speaker 4: was like a white man made up Jesus. He made

1331
01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:09,520
Speaker 4: him white, and all the black people believed it. That

1332
01:04:09,720 --> 01:04:11,600
Speaker 4: was what I That's what I got as a child,

1333
01:04:11,680 --> 01:04:13,280
Speaker 4: to the point where I was when I did think

1334
01:04:13,320 --> 01:04:13,800
Speaker 4: I wanted to be.

1335
01:04:13,840 --> 01:04:15,680
Speaker 5: Christian, he was like, I don't feel comfortable with this.

1336
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,200
Speaker 2: I was like, Jesus said, I'm in the youth group

1337
01:04:18,440 --> 01:04:21,880
Speaker 2: and I'm in church camp, and he was pissed.

1338
01:04:21,960 --> 01:04:26,880
Speaker 4: But what I never understood was like, how can black

1339
01:04:26,920 --> 01:04:29,680
Speaker 4: people so blindly accept this white Jesus and this book

1340
01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:33,360
Speaker 4: that was literally used to manipulate us to believe that

1341
01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:37,040
Speaker 4: we should be working for free and stolen and abused

1342
01:04:37,120 --> 01:04:40,480
Speaker 4: and raped. You can't give me this book and make

1343
01:04:40,560 --> 01:04:43,640
Speaker 4: me feel cool with it. As much as a lot

1344
01:04:43,640 --> 01:04:45,720
Speaker 4: of those stories obviously are rooted in some other shit,

1345
01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:49,880
Speaker 4: and they've been whitewashed extremely, most of those those stories

1346
01:04:49,880 --> 01:04:52,640
Speaker 4: took place in Africa. Let's be clear. Hair of Woule

1347
01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:57,040
Speaker 4: ain't no white person, you know. I just one time

1348
01:04:57,080 --> 01:04:59,160
Speaker 4: I got high on Easter and I went to church

1349
01:04:59,280 --> 01:05:02,800
Speaker 4: and all there's all these beautiful black people braids and locks,

1350
01:05:02,800 --> 01:05:05,880
Speaker 4: wearing all white and singing and praising.

1351
01:05:05,640 --> 01:05:06,560
Speaker 2: And I was just so high.

1352
01:05:06,600 --> 01:05:08,440
Speaker 5: I was like, this seems like brainwashery.

1353
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:11,720
Speaker 4: It's usually like a white Jesus somewhere in the in

1354
01:05:11,760 --> 01:05:15,960
Speaker 4: the in the ability, and everybody's crying and dancing, and

1355
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:20,360
Speaker 4: I'm all about. I'm all about like your energy being

1356
01:05:20,400 --> 01:05:22,960
Speaker 4: channeled wherever you want. I feel like that's very powerful.

1357
01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:26,840
Speaker 4: It's just like manifesting. However, it creaked me the fuck out.

1358
01:05:26,920 --> 01:05:28,439
Speaker 4: I was like, get me out of here right now.

1359
01:05:28,840 --> 01:05:30,920
Speaker 4: And it was because I just felt like it was

1360
01:05:31,000 --> 01:05:34,920
Speaker 4: just this deep brainwashery of America, you know, like just

1361
01:05:34,920 --> 01:05:38,760
Speaker 4: like American ministries want to go to Africa and these

1362
01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,240
Speaker 4: rural places.

1363
01:05:40,040 --> 01:05:43,440
Speaker 3: And what do they call it when they go missions mission.

1364
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:47,800
Speaker 4: Mission everybody and recruit them like nahn, leave them alone with.

1365
01:05:47,800 --> 01:05:50,640
Speaker 2: Their son God and whatever that works for them.

1366
01:05:50,920 --> 01:05:53,160
Speaker 4: Like if you believe in whatever you believe in, cool,

1367
01:05:53,280 --> 01:05:56,000
Speaker 4: but you don't have to press it on everybody else. Yeah,

1368
01:05:56,600 --> 01:05:59,480
Speaker 4: that's my feelings on black men, the church, in the

1369
01:05:59,480 --> 01:06:00,000
Speaker 4: black communit.

1370
01:06:02,040 --> 01:06:03,160
Speaker 3: We've covered so much.

1371
01:06:04,680 --> 01:06:08,520
Speaker 1: Well I'm gonna I'm gonna wrap it up, and because

1372
01:06:08,520 --> 01:06:10,280
Speaker 1: I know you have to go, but I just wanted

1373
01:06:10,280 --> 01:06:12,600
Speaker 1: to ask you one question that I think you know

1374
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:15,720
Speaker 1: people listening. I know there's a lot of moms and women,

1375
01:06:16,040 --> 01:06:18,400
Speaker 1: but I think generally a lot of our listeners are

1376
01:06:18,480 --> 01:06:22,080
Speaker 1: moms that you know, want to start businesses and they

1377
01:06:22,120 --> 01:06:25,520
Speaker 1: want to be entrepreneurs, and they don't know where to

1378
01:06:25,560 --> 01:06:27,600
Speaker 1: start or how to start, or how to feel supported

1379
01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:28,640
Speaker 1: or where to get help.

1380
01:06:29,200 --> 01:06:32,480
Speaker 2: Like what advice would you give to women.

1381
01:06:34,200 --> 01:06:37,439
Speaker 1: Moms who want to start businesses but don't really know

1382
01:06:38,560 --> 01:06:41,080
Speaker 1: how to start, like as far as like how to

1383
01:06:41,120 --> 01:06:42,760
Speaker 1: find the balance between the two?

1384
01:06:43,520 --> 01:06:46,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, Jesus, I would say follow me because that's what

1385
01:06:46,640 --> 01:06:46,880
Speaker 3: I mean.

1386
01:06:48,320 --> 01:06:49,680
Speaker 2: Time management is on there.

1387
01:06:50,520 --> 01:06:53,080
Speaker 3: Time management is on there, but there are a variety

1388
01:06:53,120 --> 01:06:56,000
Speaker 3: of different resources. You know, mompreneur me. We have free

1389
01:06:56,080 --> 01:06:58,440
Speaker 3: content that will help you with that. It's a network

1390
01:06:58,480 --> 01:07:00,720
Speaker 3: of other women who are just like you, who are

1391
01:07:00,760 --> 01:07:03,120
Speaker 3: thinking about starting their own business or have their own

1392
01:07:03,120 --> 01:07:05,800
Speaker 3: side hustle. My good friend out there with you guys

1393
01:07:05,840 --> 01:07:08,640
Speaker 3: in La Nef for Terry Pleasy of Single Moms Planet

1394
01:07:08,680 --> 01:07:11,640
Speaker 3: does a great job of creating resources for mothers who

1395
01:07:11,680 --> 01:07:14,600
Speaker 3: want to start their own business. Another fabulous Black mom.

1396
01:07:15,440 --> 01:07:17,200
Speaker 3: And then I would say, just make sure you pick

1397
01:07:17,280 --> 01:07:19,760
Speaker 3: something that you would do even if you weren't paid

1398
01:07:19,800 --> 01:07:22,400
Speaker 3: for it, because then you'll really be dedicated to it

1399
01:07:22,440 --> 01:07:26,040
Speaker 3: and very passionate about it. And I constantly get asked

1400
01:07:26,040 --> 01:07:28,560
Speaker 3: that question. I constantly hear from women that they want

1401
01:07:28,600 --> 01:07:31,040
Speaker 3: to start businesses but don't know where to start it,

1402
01:07:31,160 --> 01:07:33,400
Speaker 3: or don't feel like the market is saturated, then don't

1403
01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:36,240
Speaker 3: have a place. And I always say, think about the

1404
01:07:36,360 --> 01:07:38,640
Speaker 3: first thing that you've done as an entrepreneur, which has

1405
01:07:38,680 --> 01:07:41,840
Speaker 3: become a mother, and how you've learned leadership skills from that,

1406
01:07:41,960 --> 01:07:44,320
Speaker 3: and how you've learned to delegate, and how you've learned

1407
01:07:44,360 --> 01:07:47,520
Speaker 3: time management from that, And don't tell me that you

1408
01:07:47,560 --> 01:07:52,080
Speaker 3: can't be an entrepreneur, because it's been statistically proven that matrescence,

1409
01:07:52,080 --> 01:07:56,240
Speaker 3: which is the psychological part of you, the part of

1410
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:58,360
Speaker 3: your life that turns you into a mother. The brain

1411
01:07:58,760 --> 01:08:02,880
Speaker 3: actual development of it just designed to make you a

1412
01:08:02,880 --> 01:08:04,640
Speaker 3: better leader in the workplace. All the things that you

1413
01:08:04,760 --> 01:08:07,040
Speaker 3: learn and all the things that you happen when you

1414
01:08:07,080 --> 01:08:09,800
Speaker 3: become a mother. So there's no reason why it's actually

1415
01:08:09,800 --> 01:08:12,160
Speaker 3: the best time for you to become an entrepreneur or

1416
01:08:12,200 --> 01:08:15,160
Speaker 3: to pursue a passion project is after you become a mom.

1417
01:08:15,840 --> 01:08:17,519
Speaker 2: You know what, I feel like you should be able

1418
01:08:17,520 --> 01:08:18,880
Speaker 2: to put mother on LinkedIn.

1419
01:08:21,360 --> 01:08:24,360
Speaker 1: Like I think that there's a lot of time job,

1420
01:08:24,439 --> 01:08:27,000
Speaker 1: full time job. There's a lot of skills that are involved.

1421
01:08:27,120 --> 01:08:31,680
Speaker 1: There's a lot of education like fast track education, low

1422
01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:37,200
Speaker 1: key and I'm like, yo, put thath.

1423
01:08:36,120 --> 01:08:39,920
Speaker 3: The but you know, specialist. But there are some really

1424
01:08:39,960 --> 01:08:43,040
Speaker 3: great companies that I know a couple off the top

1425
01:08:43,080 --> 01:08:46,280
Speaker 3: of my head that are basically like firms that put

1426
01:08:46,360 --> 01:08:49,360
Speaker 3: mothers in jobs where people need those kinds of skills

1427
01:08:49,680 --> 01:08:53,040
Speaker 3: and not skills like babysitting. I'm talking about the core

1428
01:08:53,160 --> 01:08:56,120
Speaker 3: leadership and professional development skills that you get. And those

1429
01:08:56,160 --> 01:08:59,280
Speaker 3: companies specialized in finding and recruiting moms.

1430
01:09:00,160 --> 01:09:00,839
Speaker 2: That's amazing.

1431
01:09:01,400 --> 01:09:06,400
Speaker 1: Well, you guys definitely check out Christine and all of

1432
01:09:06,080 --> 01:09:08,839
Speaker 1: her Her page is full of resources. She has amazing

1433
01:09:08,920 --> 01:09:15,320
Speaker 1: articles on her book, her books to our listeners.

1434
01:09:15,080 --> 01:09:16,640
Speaker 2: Where they can find you exactly.

1435
01:09:16,360 --> 01:09:20,320
Speaker 3: What find you So Christine Michelle Carter dot com has

1436
01:09:20,720 --> 01:09:23,280
Speaker 3: most of my articles, links to mom Prenore and me,

1437
01:09:23,520 --> 01:09:29,920
Speaker 3: my social media sites, everything videos Christine Michelle Carter dot com.

1438
01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:32,599
Speaker 2: Dope, Dope, dope, Well, thank you so much for coming on.

1439
01:09:32,760 --> 01:09:38,320
Speaker 4: Thank you you you We're twins soul.

1440
01:09:39,360 --> 01:09:42,200
Speaker 1: Right, Jamila cried, So now you can never get rid

1441
01:09:42,240 --> 01:09:45,560
Speaker 1: of her, like hello.

1442
01:09:45,439 --> 01:09:48,719
Speaker 3: Yes, you must, you must, you must.

1443
01:09:49,200 --> 01:09:51,280
Speaker 5: Yes, I'm going to pull you out when we come.

1444
01:09:51,360 --> 01:09:52,400
Speaker 2: We're gonna, we're gonna go out.

1445
01:09:52,439 --> 01:09:56,479
Speaker 4: Have you been a stadium, Well that used to be.

1446
01:09:57,040 --> 01:09:59,439
Speaker 3: But wait now I'm feeling old. Now I'm feeling old

1447
01:09:59,439 --> 01:10:01,639
Speaker 3: because I'm like, I think you're talking about No, you're

1448
01:10:01,640 --> 01:10:03,439
Speaker 3: not talking about dream well love, You're talking about stating,

1449
01:10:03,439 --> 01:10:06,240
Speaker 3: which is a cross like diagonal when you get off

1450
01:10:06,240 --> 01:10:10,840
Speaker 3: of fifty. Yes, I have long way of saying yes,

1451
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:11,479
Speaker 3: I have a.

1452
01:10:11,600 --> 01:10:13,720
Speaker 2: Wonderful two dollars Tuesday. I don't know if that's still

1453
01:10:13,720 --> 01:10:14,360
Speaker 2: going because.

1454
01:10:14,160 --> 01:10:14,560
Speaker 4: Of covid O.

1455
01:10:14,640 --> 01:10:15,200
Speaker 3: I don't know.

1456
01:10:15,560 --> 01:10:17,960
Speaker 2: Maybe by the time I get there because just long.

1457
01:10:18,400 --> 01:10:22,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, I love a good strip club. Me too,

1458
01:10:23,120 --> 01:10:23,479
Speaker 3: me too.

1459
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:25,840
Speaker 2: They always have good food too, so we all know

1460
01:10:25,880 --> 01:10:26,519
Speaker 2: that's important.

1461
01:10:28,520 --> 01:10:31,360
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, girl, I appreciate you all right

1462
01:10:31,439 --> 01:10:33,400
Speaker 3: for having me on guys, and you guys.

1463
01:10:33,280 --> 01:10:35,439
Speaker 1: Know where to find us at Good Mom's Underscore Bad

1464
01:10:35,520 --> 01:10:38,360
Speaker 1: Choices on Insta, on Instagram.

1465
01:10:37,880 --> 01:10:41,200
Speaker 4: Or sorry, Good Momsbad Choices dot com. Sign up for

1466
01:10:41,240 --> 01:10:43,600
Speaker 4: a newsletter. If you like us, if you're listening.

1467
01:10:43,800 --> 01:10:47,080
Speaker 2: Please subscribe, Please review and rate us. It matters.

1468
01:10:48,960 --> 01:10:49,360
Speaker 5: That's it.

1469
01:10:49,800 --> 01:10:50,759
Speaker 2: I'm join our Patreon.

1470
01:10:51,160 --> 01:10:53,639
Speaker 1: We have a lot of extra bonus episodes there, extra

1471
01:10:53,720 --> 01:10:56,439
Speaker 1: content that you won't see on our Instagram or on

1472
01:10:56,479 --> 01:10:59,640
Speaker 1: any of the Apple or whatever podcast platforms, and that

1473
01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:02,759
Speaker 1: is Patreon dot com backslash.

1474
01:11:02,320 --> 01:11:06,800
Speaker 2: Good Moms, Bad Choices, have a wonderful week and we'll

1475
01:11:06,880 --> 01:11:07,920
Speaker 2: cap next time.

1476
01:11:08,520 --> 01:11:20,519
Speaker 7: Bye bye bye.

1477
01:11:20,400 --> 01:11:21,400
Speaker 3: And of course