WEBVTT - Why Your Relationship Checklist is Getting in Your Way & How to Stop Questioning if You are With the Right Person 0:00:01.639 --> 0:00:04.320 There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:06.680 is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:11.240 present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss 0:00:11.320 --> 0:00:13.760 all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to 0:00:13.800 --> 0:00:17.119 actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's 0:00:17.120 --> 0:00:19.919 where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:22.640 a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness 0:00:22.680 --> 0:00:25.479 fun and easy. 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We say we want those things, 0:01:03.520 --> 0:01:05.880 but when we experience in reality, a lot of people 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:09.440 will say, Oh, they're so kind, they're so sweet, but 0:01:09.480 --> 0:01:12.280 they're boring, and then the other person who's not kind 0:01:12.319 --> 0:01:16.640 and sweet, they're exhilarating. It's a really weird contrast in 0:01:16.720 --> 0:01:19.440 how we say we want someone who's kind, we want 0:01:19.480 --> 0:01:22.520 someone who's thoughtful, but then when we experience them reality, 0:01:22.560 --> 0:01:25.480 it's not fun. There's no chemistry, there's no spark right, 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:28.200 and then we often go for the person who's not kind, 0:01:28.680 --> 0:01:32.520 not nurturing, not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is. 0:01:32.760 --> 0:01:36.920 The number one health and wellness podcast set. Jay Shetty s. 0:01:41.400 --> 0:01:44.880 Hey, everyone, welcome back to you On Purpose. I'm your host, 0:01:45.000 --> 0:01:48.919 Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for turning up for yourself, 0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:52.160 for turning up to the On Purpose show. I am 0:01:52.240 --> 0:01:55.920 so grateful that you're here with me right now now. 0:01:55.920 --> 0:01:59.040 If you're single and you're trying to figure out how 0:01:59.080 --> 0:02:02.840 to find your person in this episode is for you. 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:06.160 If you're recently single and you're trying to figure out 0:02:06.480 --> 0:02:10.640 what's going wrong, what mistakes are making This episode is 0:02:10.720 --> 0:02:13.640 for you. And even if you're dating someone, even if 0:02:13.639 --> 0:02:16.280 you're married, but you're trying to figure out how to 0:02:16.320 --> 0:02:21.000 deepen your connection, how to understand more. Maybe you're even 0:02:21.120 --> 0:02:25.240 questioning whether you're with the right person. This episode is 0:02:25.560 --> 0:02:29.200 for you. I want to dive in to some really 0:02:29.280 --> 0:02:34.560 interesting research today, and the research comes from the Pew 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:41.480 Research Center, and it talks about what men most value 0:02:41.480 --> 0:02:45.200 in women and what women most value in men. 0:02:45.520 --> 0:02:46.960 Now, I have to come clean with you. 0:02:47.000 --> 0:02:51.320 To start off with, last night, my wife, my brother 0:02:51.360 --> 0:02:53.880 in law, and my sister in law made me watch 0:02:53.919 --> 0:02:57.200 my first ever episode of Love Island. I think it's 0:02:57.240 --> 0:03:01.600 season six of the USA. The of the show. I'd 0:03:01.600 --> 0:03:05.760 never watched an episode before in my life. And again, 0:03:06.360 --> 0:03:09.480 today's episode is not inspired by that by any means, 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:12.840 but it was just fascinating to me as to how, 0:03:13.080 --> 0:03:18.120 after years and years of research, technological advancement and everything else, 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:21.080 and even just seeing what works and what doesn't work, 0:03:21.720 --> 0:03:25.480 what we focus on about other people is so limited 0:03:25.720 --> 0:03:29.000 and so limiting. And it led me to go down 0:03:29.080 --> 0:03:32.239 this rabbit hole when I was thinking about this episode 0:03:32.240 --> 0:03:36.480 today and researching for the episode and asking myself, what 0:03:36.720 --> 0:03:39.840 is it that we say is most important to us 0:03:40.000 --> 0:03:43.320 in a potential partner? But then how do we get 0:03:43.360 --> 0:03:47.560 carried away with what we're attracted to? Right? Let me 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:51.000 say that again, what is the difference between what we 0:03:51.120 --> 0:03:54.400 say is important to us in a partner? And then 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:57.680 how do we get carried away with what we get 0:03:57.680 --> 0:04:03.560 attracted to. And I think what I was originally thinking 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:08.440 about was this idea that we almost know what's good 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:12.680 for us, but we want what's bad for us. Right, 0:04:12.760 --> 0:04:16.160 we know what's good for us, but we'll ignore all 0:04:16.200 --> 0:04:20.320 of that. If there's something attractive, if there's something shiny, 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:24.800 if there's something exciting, if there's something invigoring, we're willing 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:30.200 to give up all of our good common sense. Now 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:34.359 let's actually look at the research. This was what traits 0:04:34.440 --> 0:04:37.640 or characteristics do you think people in our society are 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:38.640 most attracted to? 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:41.160 So what do you think. 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:46.680 Men value most in women? Number one thing that came out? 0:04:46.839 --> 0:04:51.040 What do you think it is? It was thirty five 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:56.440 percent said physical attractiveness is the most important thing they 0:04:56.520 --> 0:04:59.599 value in a woman. I'm not surprised by that, and 0:04:59.640 --> 0:05:02.120 I think think you hear that a lot, you see 0:05:02.120 --> 0:05:06.000 that a lot. I think that has led to so 0:05:06.120 --> 0:05:09.680 many challenges in our society where there's so much pressure 0:05:09.960 --> 0:05:13.680 on appearance, there's so many enhancements of appearance, like it 0:05:13.720 --> 0:05:14.920 all becomes about that. 0:05:16.200 --> 0:05:16.599 Now. 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:19.800 When women were asked what they most value in men, 0:05:20.200 --> 0:05:24.359 what do you think that was? Thirty three percent said 0:05:24.480 --> 0:05:29.080 honesty and morality. Now that's a really interesting one because 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:31.440 I think you end up watching videos on TikTok and 0:05:31.480 --> 0:05:33.960 on social media and you see everyone talking about how 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:37.039 the height is the most important thing, the back balance 0:05:37.120 --> 0:05:39.000 is the most important thing, which we'll get to in 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:42.000 a second. We're talking about who's paying on the first date. 0:05:42.320 --> 0:05:47.840 It's really interesting what cultural conversations spiral online versus what 0:05:47.920 --> 0:05:50.880 we say in a questionnaire, and I feel like there's 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:53.880 a disconnect there. I think what's really interesting to me 0:05:54.000 --> 0:05:56.679 is you could go down this list and have someone 0:05:56.720 --> 0:05:59.960 take a lot of it and then find them. Not 0:06:00.240 --> 0:06:02.960 that you find them unattractive, but they don't take this 0:06:03.120 --> 0:06:10.240 really artificial box like someone's height doesn't define the quality 0:06:10.400 --> 0:06:11.640 of your relationship. 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:13.920 It just doesn't, right. 0:06:14.279 --> 0:06:17.080 It's almost like saying I will drink a bottle of 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:21.520 water because it's taller than the other bottle, but they 0:06:21.520 --> 0:06:23.880 both have the same amount of water in it. If 0:06:23.880 --> 0:06:26.159 you have two bottles and they both have five hundred 0:06:26.200 --> 0:06:28.920 millimeters of water in it, but one's taller, one shorter, 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:33.400 you choose the taller one. But it doesn't change your 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:37.200 experience of the water. It doesn't change your experience of drinking, 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:40.039 it doesn't change the quality of the water within. And 0:06:40.080 --> 0:06:43.240 I think for so many of us who have been 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:48.200 burned in relationships, who constantly feel that we're going after 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:50.279 the wrong thing, how many of you can relate to 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:52.560 that where you keep saying, Jay, you know what, I 0:06:52.680 --> 0:06:55.720 just keep picking the wrong person. I keep tripping myself up. 0:06:55.920 --> 0:06:59.440 I know I keep making mistakes. It's because we're focusing 0:06:59.440 --> 0:07:00.799 on the taller bottle of water. 0:07:01.920 --> 0:07:04.120 So I want to ask you, what is your tall 0:07:04.200 --> 0:07:08.840 bottle of water? Right? What is that trip up for you? Right? 0:07:08.920 --> 0:07:13.880 What is that thing that keeps, like Mahamad Ali said, 0:07:13.880 --> 0:07:15.200 the pebble in your shoe? 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:15.480 Right? 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:18.560 What is that that keeps giving you that discomfort, that 0:07:18.680 --> 0:07:21.240 keeps tripping you up, that keeps making you make the 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:24.440 wrong decision because we say one thing, but then we 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:27.800 follow the other. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is 0:07:27.840 --> 0:07:30.560 not important. I think you should be attracted to your person. 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:36.360 But I think sometimes we create artificial, superficial, very limited 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:43.080 and limiting criteria that doesn't really allow us to find love. 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:46.240 And I think a lot of that criteria comes from 0:07:46.640 --> 0:07:49.920 what we were trained in, conditioned to believe was attractive 0:07:50.480 --> 0:07:53.560 when we were younger. Right when we were younger, we 0:07:53.640 --> 0:07:56.160 saw certain things on the front cover of magazines, we 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:59.720 saw certain body types in movies and TV shows, we 0:07:59.760 --> 0:08:04.360 saw certain colors of skin that were exposed to through media, 0:08:05.120 --> 0:08:09.480 and we build up desires, We built up ideas and 0:08:09.600 --> 0:08:13.920 visions of what a person should be. But I think 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:19.160 so often we're looking at criteria that doesn't impact the 0:08:19.240 --> 0:08:23.040 quality of the experience, which is bizarre. There's so many 0:08:23.040 --> 0:08:26.960 things in life where you would never assess it purely 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:33.040 based on a superficial metric that doesn't change the experience 0:08:33.880 --> 0:08:40.000 of the product. Right now, number two of what men 0:08:40.200 --> 0:08:47.920 most value in women, thirty percent said empathy, nurturing, kindness. 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:51.280 Now there's one thing I want to talk about because 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:53.240 I see this a lot. I see this with friends. 0:08:54.480 --> 0:08:59.560 When a lot of men say nurturing, they often want 0:08:59.760 --> 0:09:02.800 a mum in their partner. I'm just going to put 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:05.160 it out there. I had to say it because I 0:09:05.200 --> 0:09:10.320 think so many individuals struggle with growing up, and I 0:09:10.320 --> 0:09:12.959 think there's a lot of talk about women and daddy issues, 0:09:13.000 --> 0:09:15.080 but there's not a lot of talk about men and 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:18.840 mummy issues. And it's this idea of I want someone 0:09:18.880 --> 0:09:23.440 who is nurturing, but in a very maternal way, like 0:09:23.480 --> 0:09:25.160 I want them to take care of me. I want 0:09:25.200 --> 0:09:26.679 them to take care of the house. I want them 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.439 to do what my mom did. I want them to cook. 0:09:28.679 --> 0:09:31.360 I want them to And it's not just the gender roles, 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:34.600 but there's this false expectation. And I think what's really 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:38.760 interesting about that is a lot of people being naturally nurturing, 0:09:38.960 --> 0:09:42.240 naturally empathetic, naturally kind kind of see it as beautiful 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:44.040 because it's a way of being needed, it's a way 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:45.080 of being wanted, it's. 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:46.800 A way of being useful. 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:49.320 But I think we have to really look at that 0:09:49.480 --> 0:09:53.280 in what we desire and what the other person is 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:57.160 willing to deliver on. And again I go back to it, 0:09:57.559 --> 0:10:01.920 do we want a partner who's equal, excited and curious 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:04.400 or are we really looking for someone to take care 0:10:04.400 --> 0:10:06.360 of us? Because if we're looking for someone to take 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:09.000 care of us, it ends up leading to the relationship 0:10:09.000 --> 0:10:11.720 we don't want. We then say, oh, well they're not adventurous, 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:15.360 or well they're not interesting, or they're not passionate, and 0:10:15.400 --> 0:10:19.240 it's like, well, yeah, because they're mothering or fathering you. Right, 0:10:19.320 --> 0:10:23.679 if your partner is now your parent you're not going 0:10:23.720 --> 0:10:25.920 to find them attractive. After a while, you're not going 0:10:25.960 --> 0:10:28.199 to find them interesting. After a while, you're going to 0:10:28.240 --> 0:10:31.680 find that they're annoying you, that they're on your case, 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:35.040 that they're holding you accountable. All the things that you 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:39.440 potentially are challenged by or resenting your parents, you now 0:10:39.480 --> 0:10:42.480 project that onto your partner. So when we say things 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:46.440 like I want someone to be empathetic, nurturing, kind, let's 0:10:46.440 --> 0:10:49.600 really look at what we mean by that. And I 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:53.360 actually think here's the thing. We say we want those things, 0:10:53.840 --> 0:10:57.199 but when we experience in reality, a lot of people say, oh, 0:10:57.240 --> 0:11:02.439 they're so kind, they're so sweet, boring, right, and then 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:05.800 the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating. 0:11:06.160 --> 0:11:09.000 It's a really weird contrast in how we say we 0:11:09.040 --> 0:11:12.440 want someone who's kind, we want someone who's thoughtful, but 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:14.880 then when we experience them in reality, it's not fun. 0:11:14.920 --> 0:11:18.160 There's no chemistry, there's no spark, right, and then we 0:11:18.240 --> 0:11:21.520 often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, 0:11:21.640 --> 0:11:26.920 not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is we know 0:11:27.200 --> 0:11:30.719 we want people of high character and high value. We 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:34.000 want someone who has deep values. We want someone who 0:11:34.080 --> 0:11:40.480 has values like honesty, kindness, morality, nurturing, both in men 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.800 and women. We've seen honesty and morality top one for women, 0:11:43.840 --> 0:11:47.800 wanting in men, and empathy nurturing kindness number two in women. 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:49.000 You've got all these. 0:11:48.880 --> 0:11:51.760 Deep values that are right up then in what we want, 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:57.240 but we're so easily shifted away from our values. So 0:11:57.280 --> 0:11:59.280 you ask me, Jay, why is that? Why is it 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:01.560 that I know what it's good for me, but I 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:04.760 choose what's bad for me? How many of you can 0:12:04.800 --> 0:12:07.160 relate to that? Gee, I know what's right for me, 0:12:07.760 --> 0:12:09.880 but why do I always choose what's wrong for me? 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:14.000 It's interesting, isn't It's a trick of the mind. The 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:19.040 mind has the ability to trick you. You know what's good 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:24.760 for you, but you'll still choose what's bad for you. You 0:12:24.040 --> 0:12:27.760 know what's right for you, but you will choose what's 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:35.400 wrong for you. This happens because we become clouded. Our 0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:41.080 vision becomes blurred, and ultimately love is blind. We get 0:12:41.120 --> 0:12:46.640 blinded by the chemicals of the spark and of attraction 0:12:47.280 --> 0:12:52.520 and of lust that literally blur our vision so that 0:12:52.600 --> 0:12:57.719 we now no longer see the unfavorable elements of that individual. 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:02.080 This is true for the chemicals released during and after sex. 0:13:02.800 --> 0:13:05.280 This is true for when we first feel that chemical 0:13:05.320 --> 0:13:13.960 attraction to someone, we're actually emotionally vision impaired to notice 0:13:14.000 --> 0:13:19.560 the things about someone that actually matter. And I've partnered 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:22.319 up with Match, which I'm really excited about as their 0:13:22.360 --> 0:13:27.160 relationship advisor, because what I found is that dating apps 0:13:27.160 --> 0:13:30.920 are not the problem the challenges of what we're focused 0:13:30.960 --> 0:13:34.479 on and what we're looking at. If we don't understand 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:39.480 our values and we don't understand the other person's values 0:13:39.800 --> 0:13:43.840 and they don't understand theirs and hours, it doesn't matter 0:13:43.920 --> 0:13:47.400 how many other boxes we tick. If you're truly in 0:13:47.440 --> 0:13:51.880 this for a successful relationship, if you're truly in this 0:13:52.400 --> 0:13:57.200 for a real, deep partnership, I promise you the artificial, 0:13:57.280 --> 0:13:59.360 superficial things are not going to be the ones that 0:13:59.400 --> 0:13:59.960 make a difference. 0:14:00.400 --> 0:14:01.360 Your values are. 0:14:01.440 --> 0:14:06.959 Your knowledge, awareness, acceptance, and respect for someone's values are. 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:10.280 So I want you to head over to match dot com, 0:14:10.320 --> 0:14:14.120 forward slash j if you want to match people through 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:18.480 value systems, through a deeper value connection. Again, I'm not 0:14:18.520 --> 0:14:20.160 saying I want you to be attracted to the person. 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:21.640 I want you to think they're fun. I want you 0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:23.800 to be excited, But I want us to pivot and 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:30.680 shift our mindset on for a moment, deprioritizing the things 0:14:30.720 --> 0:14:35.680 that society, media, parents, and friends have told us to overvalue, 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:40.800 and shift more emphasis onto the things we've been made 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:49.560 to undervalue, like honesty, kindness, connection, empathy, these deep values 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:54.960 that are so critical to the success of a relationship. Right, 0:14:55.800 --> 0:14:58.760 And we do this with everything right, There'll be debates 0:14:58.840 --> 0:15:03.960 constantly between iPhone and Android users, people saying like, oh, well, 0:15:04.440 --> 0:15:08.360 Android is more customizable, iPhones more the slickness, and again 0:15:08.400 --> 0:15:12.320 we follow brand and it's true, right, like Android does 0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:15.960 have and Samsung phones do have more functionality, but we 0:15:16.080 --> 0:15:20.400 choose something that we think has a certain brand or whatever. 0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:20.520 It may be. 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.440 And it's interesting how when you start doing that in love, 0:15:25.400 --> 0:15:28.840 it has far bigger ramifications than with technology. 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:29.720 Right. 0:15:30.760 --> 0:15:34.000 Number two of what women want in men, twenty three 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:38.560 percent said professional financial success. And I want to call 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:42.160 out this has caused a lot of stress and pressure 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:45.360 for a lot of friends, a lot of good men, 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:50.040 because I think we're again living in a society where 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:56.400 people are exposed to a world online of fast cars, jewelry. 0:15:56.720 --> 0:16:00.240 You've got their high flying life and it can become 0:16:00.360 --> 0:16:05.200 quite intimidating and quite challenging for people to think they 0:16:05.200 --> 0:16:07.600 have to live up to that. And I know a 0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:11.440 lot of good, hard working, honest men that are trying 0:16:11.520 --> 0:16:14.320 their best, that are passionate about what they do, that 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:18.480 care about what they do, but they're being undervalued. And 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:22.120 I always like sharing this because to me, it makes 0:16:22.120 --> 0:16:26.320 a huge difference. When I met Rady, materially, I didn't 0:16:26.360 --> 0:16:30.440 have anything, and Raddi chose to be with me at 0:16:30.480 --> 0:16:33.280 a time when I was still trying to pay off 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:37.000 my student debt and I didn't even have a job, 0:16:37.880 --> 0:16:43.080 and I don't even thought she knew if I would 0:16:43.120 --> 0:16:47.600 ever get anywhere externally to a certain level. But I 0:16:47.640 --> 0:16:50.280 think the point was I had someone who believed in 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:55.960 me and saw that I wanted to grow. And I 0:16:56.000 --> 0:16:58.760 think I want to point that out here. Which comes 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:02.160 third for women, which is nineteen percent ambition and leadership 0:17:02.280 --> 0:17:08.280 women wanting in men, is that I truly believe that 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:14.960 ambition is something that is better to look for than 0:17:15.480 --> 0:17:19.320 already achieved financial success. Someone who already has financial success 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:21.480 may want to pivot, They may even want to quit 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.240 their job to try something. By the way, someone else 0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:27.200 who hasn't made it, Especially when you met someone young. 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:29.119 They need to have time. 0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:34.240 And if that person feels pressure rather than believe, chances 0:17:34.240 --> 0:17:36.760 are they'll buckle. Now, the other thing I'd like to 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:38.720 point out is whether you're a man or woman. These 0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:41.399 are all themes that I think are across the board 0:17:42.240 --> 0:17:45.600 for me. If you're looking for someone who's ambitious, you've 0:17:45.640 --> 0:17:48.800 also got to understand from a value point of view, 0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:51.800 what that trade is. So if you want someone ambitious, 0:17:51.920 --> 0:17:54.399 chances are they won't be available all the time. 0:17:55.119 --> 0:17:55.280 Right. 0:17:55.320 --> 0:17:59.320 You can't have someone ambitious and available. It doesn't work 0:17:59.359 --> 0:18:02.480 that way. And I think a lot of us will 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:04.880 want someone who's ambitious, but then we'll say why they're 0:18:04.880 --> 0:18:09.480 not available? Right, We'll say we want someone who's successful. 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.639 But then we're saying, well, why are they not, why 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:16.040 they're not messaging me, why they're not available this weekend, 0:18:16.040 --> 0:18:17.840 why they're not up for hanging out, And it's like, well, 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:21.320 they're not living spontaneous, they're living structured. So we always 0:18:21.400 --> 0:18:24.200 have to understand the value that we want in someone. 0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.520 How does that value show up in reality. I think 0:18:27.560 --> 0:18:31.960 we almost have these very one dimensional views of values, right, 0:18:31.960 --> 0:18:34.160 Our one dimensional view of ambition is our someone who 0:18:34.200 --> 0:18:37.000 has goals, someone who has dreams, but then we want 0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:38.720 them to have dreams. But then we want them to 0:18:38.760 --> 0:18:40.600 never work on their dreams because we want them to 0:18:40.640 --> 0:18:43.840 be around. Right. It doesn't add up, and I think 0:18:43.880 --> 0:18:46.639 we can have these very limited and limiting views of 0:18:46.680 --> 0:18:51.720 what a true goal looks like. Now, the third thing 0:18:51.800 --> 0:18:55.440 that men look for a woman, twenty two percent said intelligence. 0:18:56.200 --> 0:18:59.040 And again, by the way, I am calling out all 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:01.600 sides of it because it's so interesting to me. I 0:19:01.600 --> 0:19:04.520 have a lot of incredibly successful female friends who are 0:19:04.560 --> 0:19:09.959 doing amazing entrepreneurs, building incredible companies, doing phenomenal stuff, and 0:19:10.040 --> 0:19:14.520 they actually feel like their intelligence is intimidating. They feel 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:18.320 like their ambition is intimidating, and a lot of them 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:22.480 feel like they have to kind of lower themselves or 0:19:22.520 --> 0:19:28.520 lower their standards, or make themselves feel less smart, less thoughtful, less, 0:19:29.119 --> 0:19:33.480 you know, less accomplished in order to attract someone. Let 0:19:33.480 --> 0:19:36.800 me say this, your partner who cares about you, who 0:19:36.920 --> 0:19:40.800 values you, will admire your success. Now. I think there's 0:19:40.800 --> 0:19:46.080 a difference also between admiring and being a fan, and 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:50.919 I think admiration is healthier than fandom. I think if 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:54.000 someone's a big fan of yours. It's hard to be 0:19:54.040 --> 0:19:56.480 a partner, and sometimes we say, oh, my partner's my 0:19:56.560 --> 0:19:58.240 number one fan. I want to be their number fan. 0:19:58.280 --> 0:19:59.800 I mean, to be honest, I'd probably even say I'm 0:19:59.840 --> 0:20:04.040 rather number one fan. And maybe I should take back 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:05.720 my statement now because I'm like, yeah, I am a 0:20:05.760 --> 0:20:07.960 rather these number one fan. What am I talking about? 0:20:07.760 --> 0:20:11.080 But I think the idea that there's an admiration for 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:14.840 what you do and there's a respect for what you do, 0:20:14.920 --> 0:20:17.000 but you have to have that back for them whatever 0:20:17.040 --> 0:20:19.160 they decide to be or whatever they decide to do. 0:20:20.000 --> 0:20:23.440 And so if you are someone who feels like your 0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:28.280 success intimidates people, or your success, you know, makes people 0:20:28.280 --> 0:20:33.560 feel uncomfortable, chances are you're just speaking to the wrong 0:20:33.600 --> 0:20:36.920 people because you shouldn't have to play down your success. 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:42.440 I know someone who constantly started to play down their 0:20:42.480 --> 0:20:44.720 success whenever they were around someone to date them. They 0:20:44.720 --> 0:20:47.520 complained about their life, they did all those things, and 0:20:47.560 --> 0:20:49.800 then someone left them because they said they were too negative. 0:20:50.240 --> 0:20:53.760 Now this person wasn't negative at all. So just imagine 0:20:53.800 --> 0:20:59.040 that for a second. You're a positive, high functioning, high performer. Then, 0:20:59.280 --> 0:21:03.320 in order to make yourself more relatable. You start talking 0:21:03.320 --> 0:21:08.160 about your bad experiences and what's going wrong, and then 0:21:08.200 --> 0:21:12.399 that person leaves you, not because you're intimidating, but because 0:21:12.400 --> 0:21:17.199 they see you as uninteresting and complaining and negative. And 0:21:17.280 --> 0:21:21.760 so I think you don't want to become someone you're not. 0:21:22.560 --> 0:21:26.160 And there's this beautiful quote that I read from Arlin 0:21:26.480 --> 0:21:29.560 was here the other day on Twitter, and it said 0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:34.120 be yourself so that the people looking for you can 0:21:34.240 --> 0:21:39.840 find you. And I think that's what that patience needs 0:21:39.880 --> 0:21:44.160 to be. That I don't have to make myself smaller 0:21:45.320 --> 0:21:48.640 in order to have a big experience of love. 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:49.560 I don't have. 0:21:49.520 --> 0:21:54.800 To make myself less significant in order to find a 0:21:54.840 --> 0:21:58.720 significant other. Let me say that again, you don't have 0:21:58.920 --> 0:22:04.160 to make yourself less significant to find a significant other 0:22:05.080 --> 0:22:11.120 because a significant other will recognize your significance and celebrate it. 0:22:11.600 --> 0:22:13.000 Now, I want to go down this list. 0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:14.760 For you so you know. So what women value most 0:22:14.800 --> 0:22:19.560 in men? Nineteen percent said strength and toughness, eighteen percent 0:22:19.640 --> 0:22:24.480 said hard work, good work ethic, eleven percent said physical attractiveness, 0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:30.560 eleven percent said empathy, nurturing kindness, nine percent said loyalty, dependability, 0:22:31.119 --> 0:22:34.960 eight percent said intelligence, five percent said being family oriented, 0:22:35.240 --> 0:22:40.760 and five percent said politeness respectfulness. Notice how a relationship 0:22:40.800 --> 0:22:47.800 is made up of loyalty, politeness, respectfulness, but those only 0:22:47.920 --> 0:22:56.119 make up fourteen percent of respondents fourteen percent, versus strength 0:22:56.160 --> 0:22:59.760 and toughness at nineteen percent. And by the way, I 0:22:59.760 --> 0:23:01.560 think we all look at people like, how can how 0:23:01.560 --> 0:23:04.080 can you think that? But but well, this trick is 0:23:04.119 --> 0:23:06.440 played on all of us. We all fall for it. 0:23:06.960 --> 0:23:08.680 And so I want us to be really careful when 0:23:08.680 --> 0:23:13.200 you're next meeting someone. Don't write them off because they're 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:16.760 boring and they're polite and respectful. Because there's a part 0:23:16.800 --> 0:23:21.840 of us that gets excitement, and it's the tension and 0:23:21.880 --> 0:23:25.880 the stress that feels positive in the beginning when you're 0:23:25.920 --> 0:23:29.080 playing guessing games and you're checking in, and I've talked 0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:33.400 about this example before, this idea of this stress and excitement. 0:23:34.040 --> 0:23:37.239 When someone's playing hard to get there's the excitement of 0:23:37.359 --> 0:23:40.000 I got their number. The stress is what should I 0:23:40.080 --> 0:23:44.120 message them? The excitement is, oh, I just messaged them. 0:23:44.160 --> 0:23:47.200 The stress is when will they message back? The excitement 0:23:47.320 --> 0:23:49.640 is I'm so excited we're going out on a date. 0:23:49.680 --> 0:23:52.000 The stress is all they were hot and cold, and 0:23:52.040 --> 0:23:56.320 that creates positive tension in the beginning, but really it's 0:23:56.400 --> 0:24:00.199 not what we're looking for. It's exhausting. And what this 0:24:00.280 --> 0:24:04.479 study says men are looking for in women, nine percent 0:24:04.520 --> 0:24:08.960 said hard work, eight percent said professional financial success, seven 0:24:09.000 --> 0:24:13.400 percent of loyalty dependent ability, seven percent of competence, ability, 0:24:14.000 --> 0:24:17.760 six percent sat independence and self reliance, five percent of 0:24:17.840 --> 0:24:22.639 strength and toughness, five percent of politeness, respectfulness, and five 0:24:22.720 --> 0:24:27.040 percent said ability to multitask. What I'm realizing is we're 0:24:27.080 --> 0:24:31.080 looking for love in all the wrong places. And usually 0:24:31.080 --> 0:24:33.480 we think of wrong places as oh, am I in 0:24:33.520 --> 0:24:35.800 the right bar Am I in the right restaurant? Am 0:24:35.840 --> 0:24:38.720 I on the right app right? That kind of thing. 0:24:39.119 --> 0:24:40.800 And what I'm saying is, actually we're looking for it 0:24:40.800 --> 0:24:44.119 in the wrong places because we're looking at criteria that 0:24:44.280 --> 0:24:49.080