1 00:00:01,639 --> 00:00:04,320 Speaker 1: There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days, which 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:06,680 Speaker 1: is fantastic. I mean, we all want to be more 3 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:11,240 Speaker 1: present and self aware, more patient, less judgmental. We discuss 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: all these themes on the podcast, but it's hard to 5 00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:17,119 Speaker 1: actually be mindful in your day to day life. That's 6 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:19,919 Speaker 1: where Calm comes in. I've been working with Calm for 7 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,640 Speaker 1: a few years now with the goal of making mindfulness 8 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,479 Speaker 1: fun and easy. Calm has all sorts of content to 9 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:29,560 Speaker 1: help you build positive habits, shift yourself talk, reframe your 10 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,720 Speaker 1: negative thoughts, and generally feel better in your daily life. 11 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: So many incredible options from the most knowledgeable experts in 12 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,520 Speaker 1: the world, along with renowned meditation teachers. You can also 13 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: check out my seven minute daily series to help you 14 00:00:43,560 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: live more mindfully each and every day. Right now, listeners 15 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,680 Speaker 1: of On Purpose get forty percent off a subscription to 16 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: Calmpremium at Calm dot com Forward slash j that's Calm 17 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 1: dot com Forward slash jay for forty percent off Calm 18 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:03,040 Speaker 1: your Mind, Change Life. We say we want those things, 19 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 1: but when we experience in reality, a lot of people 20 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: will say, Oh, they're so kind, they're so sweet, but 21 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: they're boring, and then the other person who's not kind 22 00:01:12,319 --> 00:01:16,640 Speaker 1: and sweet, they're exhilarating. It's a really weird contrast in 23 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,440 Speaker 1: how we say we want someone who's kind, we want 24 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: someone who's thoughtful, but then when we experience them reality, 25 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:25,480 Speaker 1: it's not fun. There's no chemistry, there's no spark right, 26 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,200 Speaker 1: and then we often go for the person who's not kind, 27 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:32,520 Speaker 1: not nurturing, not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is. 28 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:36,920 Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast set. Jay Shetty s. 29 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,880 Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, welcome back to you On Purpose. I'm your host, 30 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,919 Speaker 1: Jay Shetty. Thank you so much for turning up for yourself, 31 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: for turning up to the On Purpose show. I am 32 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,920 Speaker 1: so grateful that you're here with me right now now. 33 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,040 Speaker 1: If you're single and you're trying to figure out how 34 00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,840 Speaker 1: to find your person in this episode is for you. 35 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: If you're recently single and you're trying to figure out 36 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: what's going wrong, what mistakes are making This episode is 37 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,640 Speaker 1: for you. And even if you're dating someone, even if 38 00:02:13,639 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 1: you're married, but you're trying to figure out how to 39 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: deepen your connection, how to understand more. Maybe you're even 40 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:25,240 Speaker 1: questioning whether you're with the right person. This episode is 41 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,200 Speaker 1: for you. I want to dive in to some really 42 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:34,560 Speaker 1: interesting research today, and the research comes from the Pew 43 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:41,480 Speaker 1: Research Center, and it talks about what men most value 44 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,200 Speaker 1: in women and what women most value in men. 45 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 2: Now, I have to come clean with you. 46 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: To start off with, last night, my wife, my brother 47 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,880 Speaker 1: in law, and my sister in law made me watch 48 00:02:53,919 --> 00:02:57,200 Speaker 1: my first ever episode of Love Island. I think it's 49 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: season six of the USA. The of the show. I'd 50 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:05,760 Speaker 1: never watched an episode before in my life. And again, 51 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:09,480 Speaker 1: today's episode is not inspired by that by any means, 52 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 1: but it was just fascinating to me as to how, 53 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:18,120 Speaker 1: after years and years of research, technological advancement and everything else, 54 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 1: and even just seeing what works and what doesn't work, 55 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: what we focus on about other people is so limited 56 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:29,000 Speaker 1: and so limiting. And it led me to go down 57 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,239 Speaker 1: this rabbit hole when I was thinking about this episode 58 00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 1: today and researching for the episode and asking myself, what 59 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 1: is it that we say is most important to us 60 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: in a potential partner? But then how do we get 61 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 1: carried away with what we're attracted to? Right? Let me 62 00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:51,000 Speaker 1: say that again, what is the difference between what we 63 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,400 Speaker 1: say is important to us in a partner? And then 64 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,680 Speaker 1: how do we get carried away with what we get 65 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 1: attracted to. And I think what I was originally thinking 66 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: about was this idea that we almost know what's good 67 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:12,680 Speaker 1: for us, but we want what's bad for us. Right, 68 00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 1: we know what's good for us, but we'll ignore all 69 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:20,320 Speaker 1: of that. If there's something attractive, if there's something shiny, 70 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:24,800 Speaker 1: if there's something exciting, if there's something invigoring, we're willing 71 00:04:24,839 --> 00:04:30,200 Speaker 1: to give up all of our good common sense. Now 72 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,359 Speaker 1: let's actually look at the research. This was what traits 73 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: or characteristics do you think people in our society are 74 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 1: most attracted to? 75 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,160 Speaker 2: So what do you think. 76 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 1: Men value most in women? Number one thing that came out? 77 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:51,040 Speaker 1: What do you think it is? It was thirty five 78 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: percent said physical attractiveness is the most important thing they 79 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,599 Speaker 1: value in a woman. I'm not surprised by that, and 80 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 1: I think think you hear that a lot, you see 81 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: that a lot. I think that has led to so 82 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: many challenges in our society where there's so much pressure 83 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,680 Speaker 1: on appearance, there's so many enhancements of appearance, like it 84 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:14,920 Speaker 1: all becomes about that. 85 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:16,599 Speaker 2: Now. 86 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,800 Speaker 1: When women were asked what they most value in men, 87 00:05:20,200 --> 00:05:24,359 Speaker 1: what do you think that was? Thirty three percent said 88 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:29,080 Speaker 1: honesty and morality. Now that's a really interesting one because 89 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,440 Speaker 1: I think you end up watching videos on TikTok and 90 00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:33,960 Speaker 1: on social media and you see everyone talking about how 91 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,039 Speaker 1: the height is the most important thing, the back balance 92 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,000 Speaker 1: is the most important thing, which we'll get to in 93 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: a second. We're talking about who's paying on the first date. 94 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:47,840 Speaker 1: It's really interesting what cultural conversations spiral online versus what 95 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: we say in a questionnaire, and I feel like there's 96 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 1: a disconnect there. I think what's really interesting to me 97 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,679 Speaker 1: is you could go down this list and have someone 98 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: take a lot of it and then find them. Not 99 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 1: that you find them unattractive, but they don't take this 100 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 1: really artificial box like someone's height doesn't define the quality 101 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:11,640 Speaker 1: of your relationship. 102 00:06:12,279 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 2: It just doesn't, right. 103 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:17,080 Speaker 1: It's almost like saying I will drink a bottle of 104 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:21,520 Speaker 1: water because it's taller than the other bottle, but they 105 00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,880 Speaker 1: both have the same amount of water in it. If 106 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,159 Speaker 1: you have two bottles and they both have five hundred 107 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:28,920 Speaker 1: millimeters of water in it, but one's taller, one shorter, 108 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 1: you choose the taller one. But it doesn't change your 109 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,200 Speaker 1: experience of the water. It doesn't change your experience of drinking, 110 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,039 Speaker 1: it doesn't change the quality of the water within. And 111 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,240 Speaker 1: I think for so many of us who have been 112 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:48,200 Speaker 1: burned in relationships, who constantly feel that we're going after 113 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:50,279 Speaker 1: the wrong thing, how many of you can relate to 114 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 1: that where you keep saying, Jay, you know what, I 115 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,720 Speaker 1: just keep picking the wrong person. I keep tripping myself up. 116 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:59,440 Speaker 1: I know I keep making mistakes. It's because we're focusing 117 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:00,799 Speaker 1: on the taller bottle of water. 118 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,120 Speaker 2: So I want to ask you, what is your tall 119 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:08,840 Speaker 2: bottle of water? Right? What is that trip up for you? Right? 120 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 1: What is that thing that keeps, like Mahamad Ali said, 121 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 1: the pebble in your shoe? 122 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:15,480 Speaker 2: Right? 123 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,560 Speaker 1: What is that that keeps giving you that discomfort, that 124 00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,240 Speaker 1: keeps tripping you up, that keeps making you make the 125 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:24,440 Speaker 1: wrong decision because we say one thing, but then we 126 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:27,800 Speaker 1: follow the other. I'm not saying that physical attractiveness is 127 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,560 Speaker 1: not important. I think you should be attracted to your person. 128 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:36,360 Speaker 1: But I think sometimes we create artificial, superficial, very limited 129 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 1: and limiting criteria that doesn't really allow us to find love. 130 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,240 Speaker 1: And I think a lot of that criteria comes from 131 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 1: what we were trained in, conditioned to believe was attractive 132 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: when we were younger. Right when we were younger, we 133 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,160 Speaker 1: saw certain things on the front cover of magazines, we 134 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 1: saw certain body types in movies and TV shows, we 135 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:04,360 Speaker 1: saw certain colors of skin that were exposed to through media, 136 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: and we build up desires, We built up ideas and 137 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 1: visions of what a person should be. But I think 138 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: so often we're looking at criteria that doesn't impact the 139 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: quality of the experience, which is bizarre. There's so many 140 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: things in life where you would never assess it purely 141 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:33,040 Speaker 1: based on a superficial metric that doesn't change the experience 142 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:40,000 Speaker 1: of the product. Right now, number two of what men 143 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 1: most value in women, thirty percent said empathy, nurturing, kindness. 144 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,280 Speaker 1: Now there's one thing I want to talk about because 145 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,240 Speaker 1: I see this a lot. I see this with friends. 146 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:59,560 Speaker 1: When a lot of men say nurturing, they often want 147 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,800 Speaker 1: a mum in their partner. I'm just going to put 148 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,160 Speaker 1: it out there. I had to say it because I 149 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:10,320 Speaker 1: think so many individuals struggle with growing up, and I 150 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,959 Speaker 1: think there's a lot of talk about women and daddy issues, 151 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,080 Speaker 1: but there's not a lot of talk about men and 152 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:18,840 Speaker 1: mummy issues. And it's this idea of I want someone 153 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:23,440 Speaker 1: who is nurturing, but in a very maternal way, like 154 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,160 Speaker 1: I want them to take care of me. I want 155 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,679 Speaker 1: them to take care of the house. I want them 156 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:28,439 Speaker 1: to do what my mom did. I want them to cook. 157 00:09:28,679 --> 00:09:31,360 Speaker 1: I want them to And it's not just the gender roles, 158 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 1: but there's this false expectation. And I think what's really 159 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: interesting about that is a lot of people being naturally nurturing, 160 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:42,240 Speaker 1: naturally empathetic, naturally kind kind of see it as beautiful 161 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 1: because it's a way of being needed, it's a way 162 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,080 Speaker 1: of being wanted, it's. 163 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 2: A way of being useful. 164 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,320 Speaker 1: But I think we have to really look at that 165 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:53,280 Speaker 1: in what we desire and what the other person is 166 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:57,160 Speaker 1: willing to deliver on. And again I go back to it, 167 00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:01,920 Speaker 1: do we want a partner who's equal, excited and curious 168 00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:04,400 Speaker 1: or are we really looking for someone to take care 169 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,360 Speaker 1: of us? Because if we're looking for someone to take 170 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,000 Speaker 1: care of us, it ends up leading to the relationship 171 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,720 Speaker 1: we don't want. We then say, oh, well they're not adventurous, 172 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 1: or well they're not interesting, or they're not passionate, and 173 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: it's like, well, yeah, because they're mothering or fathering you. Right, 174 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,679 Speaker 1: if your partner is now your parent you're not going 175 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 1: to find them attractive. After a while, you're not going 176 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,199 Speaker 1: to find them interesting. After a while, you're going to 177 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,680 Speaker 1: find that they're annoying you, that they're on your case, 178 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 1: that they're holding you accountable. All the things that you 179 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:39,440 Speaker 1: potentially are challenged by or resenting your parents, you now 180 00:10:39,480 --> 00:10:42,480 Speaker 1: project that onto your partner. So when we say things 181 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:46,440 Speaker 1: like I want someone to be empathetic, nurturing, kind, let's 182 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,600 Speaker 1: really look at what we mean by that. And I 183 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:53,360 Speaker 1: actually think here's the thing. We say we want those things, 184 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,199 Speaker 1: but when we experience in reality, a lot of people say, oh, 185 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:02,439 Speaker 1: they're so kind, they're so sweet, boring, right, and then 186 00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:05,800 Speaker 1: the other person who's not kind and sweet, they're exhilarating. 187 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,000 Speaker 1: It's a really weird contrast in how we say we 188 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,440 Speaker 1: want someone who's kind, we want someone who's thoughtful, but 189 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,880 Speaker 1: then when we experience them in reality, it's not fun. 190 00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:18,160 Speaker 1: There's no chemistry, there's no spark, right, and then we 191 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 1: often go for the person who's not kind, not nurturing, 192 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:26,920 Speaker 1: not empathetic. What I'm getting at here is we know 193 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,719 Speaker 1: we want people of high character and high value. We 194 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: want someone who has deep values. We want someone who 195 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:40,480 Speaker 1: has values like honesty, kindness, morality, nurturing, both in men 196 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 1: and women. We've seen honesty and morality top one for women, 197 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 1: wanting in men, and empathy nurturing kindness number two in women. 198 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,000 Speaker 2: You've got all these. 199 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:51,760 Speaker 1: Deep values that are right up then in what we want, 200 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:57,240 Speaker 1: but we're so easily shifted away from our values. So 201 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 1: you ask me, Jay, why is that? Why is it 202 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,560 Speaker 1: that I know what it's good for me, but I 203 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,760 Speaker 1: choose what's bad for me? How many of you can 204 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,160 Speaker 1: relate to that? Gee, I know what's right for me, 205 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:09,880 Speaker 1: but why do I always choose what's wrong for me? 206 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: It's interesting, isn't It's a trick of the mind. The 207 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 1: mind has the ability to trick you. You know what's good 208 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:24,760 Speaker 1: for you, but you'll still choose what's bad for you. You 209 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,760 Speaker 1: know what's right for you, but you will choose what's 210 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:35,400 Speaker 1: wrong for you. This happens because we become clouded. Our 211 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:41,080 Speaker 1: vision becomes blurred, and ultimately love is blind. We get 212 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:46,640 Speaker 1: blinded by the chemicals of the spark and of attraction 213 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: and of lust that literally blur our vision so that 214 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:57,719 Speaker 1: we now no longer see the unfavorable elements of that individual. 215 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:02,080 Speaker 1: This is true for the chemicals released during and after sex. 216 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: This is true for when we first feel that chemical 217 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:13,960 Speaker 1: attraction to someone, we're actually emotionally vision impaired to notice 218 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:19,560 Speaker 1: the things about someone that actually matter. And I've partnered 219 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,319 Speaker 1: up with Match, which I'm really excited about as their 220 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: relationship advisor, because what I found is that dating apps 221 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,920 Speaker 1: are not the problem the challenges of what we're focused 222 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:34,479 Speaker 1: on and what we're looking at. If we don't understand 223 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:39,480 Speaker 1: our values and we don't understand the other person's values 224 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,840 Speaker 1: and they don't understand theirs and hours, it doesn't matter 225 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:47,400 Speaker 1: how many other boxes we tick. If you're truly in 226 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:51,880 Speaker 1: this for a successful relationship, if you're truly in this 227 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: for a real, deep partnership, I promise you the artificial, 228 00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:59,360 Speaker 1: superficial things are not going to be the ones that 229 00:13:59,400 --> 00:13:59,960 Speaker 1: make a difference. 230 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,360 Speaker 2: Your values are. 231 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:06,959 Speaker 1: Your knowledge, awareness, acceptance, and respect for someone's values are. 232 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:10,280 Speaker 1: So I want you to head over to match dot com, 233 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:14,120 Speaker 1: forward slash j if you want to match people through 234 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:18,480 Speaker 1: value systems, through a deeper value connection. Again, I'm not 235 00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 1: saying I want you to be attracted to the person. 236 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: I want you to think they're fun. I want you 237 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: to be excited, But I want us to pivot and 238 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 1: shift our mindset on for a moment, deprioritizing the things 239 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 1: that society, media, parents, and friends have told us to overvalue, 240 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: and shift more emphasis onto the things we've been made 241 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: to undervalue, like honesty, kindness, connection, empathy, these deep values 242 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:54,960 Speaker 1: that are so critical to the success of a relationship. Right, 243 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,760 Speaker 1: And we do this with everything right, There'll be debates 244 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 1: constantly between iPhone and Android users, people saying like, oh, well, 245 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,360 Speaker 1: Android is more customizable, iPhones more the slickness, and again 246 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: we follow brand and it's true, right, like Android does 247 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 1: have and Samsung phones do have more functionality, but we 248 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:20,400 Speaker 1: choose something that we think has a certain brand or whatever. 249 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 2: It may be. 250 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,440 Speaker 1: And it's interesting how when you start doing that in love, 251 00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:28,840 Speaker 1: it has far bigger ramifications than with technology. 252 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:29,720 Speaker 2: Right. 253 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,000 Speaker 1: Number two of what women want in men, twenty three 254 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:38,560 Speaker 1: percent said professional financial success. And I want to call 255 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,160 Speaker 1: out this has caused a lot of stress and pressure 256 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,360 Speaker 1: for a lot of friends, a lot of good men, 257 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:50,040 Speaker 1: because I think we're again living in a society where 258 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 1: people are exposed to a world online of fast cars, jewelry. 259 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,240 Speaker 1: You've got their high flying life and it can become 260 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:05,200 Speaker 1: quite intimidating and quite challenging for people to think they 261 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,600 Speaker 1: have to live up to that. And I know a 262 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,440 Speaker 1: lot of good, hard working, honest men that are trying 263 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,320 Speaker 1: their best, that are passionate about what they do, that 264 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:18,480 Speaker 1: care about what they do, but they're being undervalued. And 265 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: I always like sharing this because to me, it makes 266 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 1: a huge difference. When I met Rady, materially, I didn't 267 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:30,440 Speaker 1: have anything, and Raddi chose to be with me at 268 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: a time when I was still trying to pay off 269 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,000 Speaker 1: my student debt and I didn't even have a job, 270 00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:43,080 Speaker 1: and I don't even thought she knew if I would 271 00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:47,600 Speaker 1: ever get anywhere externally to a certain level. But I 272 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,280 Speaker 1: think the point was I had someone who believed in 273 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:55,960 Speaker 1: me and saw that I wanted to grow. And I 274 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,760 Speaker 1: think I want to point that out here. Which comes 275 00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:02,160 Speaker 1: third for women, which is nineteen percent ambition and leadership 276 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:08,280 Speaker 1: women wanting in men, is that I truly believe that 277 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: ambition is something that is better to look for than 278 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,320 Speaker 1: already achieved financial success. Someone who already has financial success 279 00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:21,480 Speaker 1: may want to pivot, They may even want to quit 280 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,240 Speaker 1: their job to try something. By the way, someone else 281 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,200 Speaker 1: who hasn't made it, Especially when you met someone young. 282 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,119 Speaker 2: They need to have time. 283 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:34,240 Speaker 1: And if that person feels pressure rather than believe, chances 284 00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:36,760 Speaker 1: are they'll buckle. Now, the other thing I'd like to 285 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,720 Speaker 1: point out is whether you're a man or woman. These 286 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:41,399 Speaker 1: are all themes that I think are across the board 287 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,600 Speaker 1: for me. If you're looking for someone who's ambitious, you've 288 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:48,800 Speaker 1: also got to understand from a value point of view, 289 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,800 Speaker 1: what that trade is. So if you want someone ambitious, 290 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,399 Speaker 1: chances are they won't be available all the time. 291 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:55,280 Speaker 2: Right. 292 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:59,320 Speaker 1: You can't have someone ambitious and available. It doesn't work 293 00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:02,480 Speaker 1: that way. And I think a lot of us will 294 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,880 Speaker 1: want someone who's ambitious, but then we'll say why they're 295 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:09,480 Speaker 1: not available? Right, We'll say we want someone who's successful. 296 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 1: But then we're saying, well, why are they not, why 297 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,040 Speaker 1: they're not messaging me, why they're not available this weekend, 298 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,840 Speaker 1: why they're not up for hanging out, And it's like, well, 299 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,320 Speaker 1: they're not living spontaneous, they're living structured. So we always 300 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: have to understand the value that we want in someone. 301 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 1: How does that value show up in reality. I think 302 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:31,960 Speaker 1: we almost have these very one dimensional views of values, right, 303 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,160 Speaker 1: Our one dimensional view of ambition is our someone who 304 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,000 Speaker 1: has goals, someone who has dreams, but then we want 305 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,720 Speaker 1: them to have dreams. But then we want them to 306 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,600 Speaker 1: never work on their dreams because we want them to 307 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,840 Speaker 1: be around. Right. It doesn't add up, and I think 308 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,639 Speaker 1: we can have these very limited and limiting views of 309 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:51,720 Speaker 1: what a true goal looks like. Now, the third thing 310 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,440 Speaker 1: that men look for a woman, twenty two percent said intelligence. 311 00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,040 Speaker 1: And again, by the way, I am calling out all 312 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,600 Speaker 1: sides of it because it's so interesting to me. I 313 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,520 Speaker 1: have a lot of incredibly successful female friends who are 314 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,959 Speaker 1: doing amazing entrepreneurs, building incredible companies, doing phenomenal stuff, and 315 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:14,520 Speaker 1: they actually feel like their intelligence is intimidating. They feel 316 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: like their ambition is intimidating, and a lot of them 317 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:22,480 Speaker 1: feel like they have to kind of lower themselves or 318 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 1: lower their standards, or make themselves feel less smart, less thoughtful, less, 319 00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:33,480 Speaker 1: you know, less accomplished in order to attract someone. Let 320 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: me say this, your partner who cares about you, who 321 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,800 Speaker 1: values you, will admire your success. Now. I think there's 322 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:46,080 Speaker 1: a difference also between admiring and being a fan, and 323 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:50,919 Speaker 1: I think admiration is healthier than fandom. I think if 324 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: someone's a big fan of yours. It's hard to be 325 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: a partner, and sometimes we say, oh, my partner's my 326 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,240 Speaker 1: number one fan. I want to be their number fan. 327 00:19:58,280 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 1: I mean, to be honest, I'd probably even say I'm 328 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: rather number one fan. And maybe I should take back 329 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,720 Speaker 1: my statement now because I'm like, yeah, I am a 330 00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,960 Speaker 1: rather these number one fan. What am I talking about? 331 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: But I think the idea that there's an admiration for 332 00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,840 Speaker 1: what you do and there's a respect for what you do, 333 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: but you have to have that back for them whatever 334 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,160 Speaker 1: they decide to be or whatever they decide to do. 335 00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 1: And so if you are someone who feels like your 336 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:28,280 Speaker 1: success intimidates people, or your success, you know, makes people 337 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:33,560 Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable, chances are you're just speaking to the wrong 338 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:36,920 Speaker 1: people because you shouldn't have to play down your success. 339 00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:42,440 Speaker 1: I know someone who constantly started to play down their 340 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,720 Speaker 1: success whenever they were around someone to date them. They 341 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 1: complained about their life, they did all those things, and 342 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,800 Speaker 1: then someone left them because they said they were too negative. 343 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,760 Speaker 1: Now this person wasn't negative at all. So just imagine 344 00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:59,040 Speaker 1: that for a second. You're a positive, high functioning, high performer. Then, 345 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:03,320 Speaker 1: in order to make yourself more relatable. You start talking 346 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 1: about your bad experiences and what's going wrong, and then 347 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,399 Speaker 1: that person leaves you, not because you're intimidating, but because 348 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:17,199 Speaker 1: they see you as uninteresting and complaining and negative. And 349 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,760 Speaker 1: so I think you don't want to become someone you're not. 350 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:26,160 Speaker 1: And there's this beautiful quote that I read from Arlin 351 00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:29,560 Speaker 1: was here the other day on Twitter, and it said 352 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:34,120 Speaker 1: be yourself so that the people looking for you can 353 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:39,840 Speaker 1: find you. And I think that's what that patience needs 354 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:44,160 Speaker 1: to be. That I don't have to make myself smaller 355 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,640 Speaker 1: in order to have a big experience of love. 356 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 2: I don't have. 357 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: To make myself less significant in order to find a 358 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,720 Speaker 1: significant other. Let me say that again, you don't have 359 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:04,160 Speaker 1: to make yourself less significant to find a significant other 360 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:11,120 Speaker 1: because a significant other will recognize your significance and celebrate it. 361 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:13,000 Speaker 2: Now, I want to go down this list. 362 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: For you so you know. So what women value most 363 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 1: in men? Nineteen percent said strength and toughness, eighteen percent 364 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:24,480 Speaker 1: said hard work, good work ethic, eleven percent said physical attractiveness, 365 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: eleven percent said empathy, nurturing kindness, nine percent said loyalty, dependability, 366 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:34,960 Speaker 1: eight percent said intelligence, five percent said being family oriented, 367 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:40,760 Speaker 1: and five percent said politeness respectfulness. Notice how a relationship 368 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: is made up of loyalty, politeness, respectfulness, but those only 369 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:56,119 Speaker 1: make up fourteen percent of respondents fourteen percent, versus strength 370 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,760 Speaker 1: and toughness at nineteen percent. And by the way, I 371 00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:01,560 Speaker 1: think we all look at people like, how can how 372 00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 1: can you think that? But but well, this trick is 373 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:06,440 Speaker 1: played on all of us. We all fall for it. 374 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,680 Speaker 1: And so I want us to be really careful when 375 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: you're next meeting someone. Don't write them off because they're 376 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,760 Speaker 1: boring and they're polite and respectful. Because there's a part 377 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:21,840 Speaker 1: of us that gets excitement, and it's the tension and 378 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,880 Speaker 1: the stress that feels positive in the beginning when you're 379 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:29,080 Speaker 1: playing guessing games and you're checking in, and I've talked 380 00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:33,400 Speaker 1: about this example before, this idea of this stress and excitement. 381 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:37,239 Speaker 1: When someone's playing hard to get there's the excitement of 382 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:40,000 Speaker 1: I got their number. The stress is what should I 383 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:44,120 Speaker 1: message them? The excitement is, oh, I just messaged them. 384 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,200 Speaker 1: The stress is when will they message back? The excitement 385 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,640 Speaker 1: is I'm so excited we're going out on a date. 386 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: The stress is all they were hot and cold, and 387 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:56,320 Speaker 1: that creates positive tension in the beginning, but really it's 388 00:23:56,400 --> 00:24:00,199 Speaker 1: not what we're looking for. It's exhausting. And what this 389 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,479 Speaker 1: study says men are looking for in women, nine percent 390 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:08,960 Speaker 1: said hard work, eight percent said professional financial success, seven 391 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:13,400 Speaker 1: percent of loyalty dependent ability, seven percent of competence, ability, 392 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,760 Speaker 1: six percent sat independence and self reliance, five percent of 393 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:22,639 Speaker 1: strength and toughness, five percent of politeness, respectfulness, and five 394 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,040 Speaker 1: percent said ability to multitask. What I'm realizing is we're 395 00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:31,080 Speaker 1: looking for love in all the wrong places. And usually 396 00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,480 Speaker 1: we think of wrong places as oh, am I in 397 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 1: the right bar Am I in the right restaurant? Am 398 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 1: I on the right app right? That kind of thing. 399 00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:40,800 Speaker 1: And what I'm saying is, actually we're looking for it 400 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:44,119 Speaker 1: in the wrong places because we're looking at criteria that 401 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:49,080 Speaker 1: doesn't define the quality of a relationship right. For example, 402 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:53,080 Speaker 1: if you want to know whether a movie is good 403 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:57,600 Speaker 1: or not, you look on Rotten Tomatoes or IMDb. If 404 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,480 Speaker 1: you want to know whether a car insurance so something 405 00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,040 Speaker 1: is good, you'll ask a friend or family member what 406 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,840 Speaker 1: they use. You go to the specific criteria to measure something, 407 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:10,879 Speaker 1: but you wouldn't say, oh, I want to know if 408 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:14,000 Speaker 1: a movie is good, I'm going to look at. 409 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,280 Speaker 2: The height of the actors and the cast. Right. 410 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:20,600 Speaker 1: Literally, you wouldn't do that because it doesn't impact the 411 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,639 Speaker 1: quality of the movie. That is literally how ridiculous it 412 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:25,960 Speaker 1: is to say, I'm going to look at this person's height. Now, 413 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,960 Speaker 1: I keep picking on the hight thing because it was 414 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: big on that episode of Love Island yesterday. 415 00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,119 Speaker 2: But and I'm not mad at that. I'm not. 416 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: Again, like, I get it, we're attracted to certain things. 417 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 1: But I want you to really understand the correlation between 418 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:42,480 Speaker 1: what you're attracted to in a healthy relationship, Like that 419 00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:47,040 Speaker 1: element that criteria is not going to change the quality 420 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:51,480 Speaker 1: of your relationship. It's not going to change the experience 421 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:53,440 Speaker 1: of your relationship. 422 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:55,920 Speaker 2: Now, I really want you to go. 423 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 1: Check out match dot com, forward slash Ja to understand 424 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: and your values, select your values, and be matched with 425 00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:07,679 Speaker 1: people based on your values, because I think that, like 426 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:11,480 Speaker 1: I said, so many of us forget our values very quickly. 427 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:15,000 Speaker 1: And I think that's because they've been talked about in 428 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,000 Speaker 1: this very theoretical way. It's kind of like an idea 429 00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:21,040 Speaker 1: that we have. We've never seen them. We don't put 430 00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 1: them at the center of connection. We kind of put 431 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,639 Speaker 1: all the other stuff of like personality and attractiveness above 432 00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:32,119 Speaker 1: it when values are truly what it's about in a 433 00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:35,000 Speaker 1: long term relationship. And so I would love for you 434 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:38,680 Speaker 1: to go and become more familiarized with values. I'd love 435 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,960 Speaker 1: for you to check out my book Eight Rules of Love, 436 00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:46,040 Speaker 1: which focuses deeply on understanding someone values and them understanding 437 00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:49,639 Speaker 1: yours as being the core and central part of a 438 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:53,200 Speaker 1: healthy relationship. And I want to thank you all again 439 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,119 Speaker 1: for listening today, for connecting here. 440 00:26:55,840 --> 00:26:57,480 Speaker 2: I really hope this episode helps you. 441 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,320 Speaker 1: I hope it serves and supports you, and I can't 442 00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:03,360 Speaker 1: wait for you to listen to more episodes and on purpose, 443 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,399 Speaker 1: share this with a friend, pass it along. 444 00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:08,800 Speaker 2: Thank you so much for listening. I'm always in your 445 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,919 Speaker 2: corner and I'm forever rooting for you. 446 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:15,040 Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check 447 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:19,000 Speaker 1: out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, 448 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,639 Speaker 1: where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in 449 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:27,399 Speaker 1: therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. 450 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,119 Speaker 1: If you're trying to figure out that space right now, 451 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,399 Speaker 1: you won't want to miss this conversation. 452 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:37,160 Speaker 2: If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard 453 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,760 Speaker 2: to argue it actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold 454 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:42,480 Speaker 2: hands as you're having the conversation. 455 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:43,560 Speaker 1: It's so lovely.