1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:03,240 Speaker 1: Cool Zone Media. 2 00:00:06,600 --> 00:00:10,399 Speaker 2: Book Club book Club, book Club, book Club, book Club. 3 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,599 Speaker 3: Hello and welcome to the Cool Zone Media book Club, 4 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:18,240 Speaker 3: the only book club where you don't have to do 5 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 3: the reading because I do it for you. I'm your host, 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,640 Speaker 3: Margaret Kiljoy, and each week I bring you stories, stories 7 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:26,000 Speaker 3: about what. 8 00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 2: Well, it's different every week. That's the whole idea. It's 9 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,320 Speaker 2: not the same story every week. Although if I was 10 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,760 Speaker 2: able to read you the same story every week, no, 11 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,199 Speaker 2: even I would get bored of That does sound like 12 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:46,840 Speaker 2: it could be easier for me, the harder for everything else. Anyway, 13 00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,800 Speaker 2: this week I read a lot of Tolstoy to y'all 14 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,040 Speaker 2: over the past month or two, and I've gotten a 15 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,280 Speaker 2: lot of really positive feedback from that. And don't worry, 16 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 2: this isn't going to become the toll Stoy Cast, but 17 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,440 Speaker 2: I am going to do another week of Tolstoy because 18 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 2: people seem to like it, which makes sense. He is 19 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:10,160 Speaker 2: regarded as one of the finest writers in history or whatever. 20 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:13,759 Speaker 2: Although don't get me wrong, I think he's a good writer. 21 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,120 Speaker 2: I just you know, the fact that he was a 22 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:22,119 Speaker 2: wealthy white man is I'm very aware of when I 23 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 2: think about who gets held up as the greats. But 24 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:30,680 Speaker 2: that said, he's also really good, and I find him 25 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:34,720 Speaker 2: interesting in terms of book club type stuff, because you know, 26 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,399 Speaker 2: was an anarchist and one of the better anarchist fiction 27 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 2: writers to have ever lived. This story is a story 28 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,640 Speaker 2: about panic attacks, So if you don't want to read 29 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 2: a story about panic attacks, it doesn't use the word 30 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:54,000 Speaker 2: panic attacks, but it actually it describes them. And it's 31 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 2: called Diary of a Lunatic and it's from nineteen oh three, 32 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 2: and I hope you enjoy it. This morning I underwent 33 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:08,160 Speaker 2: a medical examination in the Government council room. The opinions 34 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 2: of the doctors were divided. They argued among themselves and 35 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 2: came at last to the conclusion that I was not mad. 36 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:18,280 Speaker 2: But this was due to the fact that I tried 37 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 2: hard during the examination not to give myself away. I 38 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,679 Speaker 2: was afraid of being sent to the lunatic asylum, where 39 00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:27,360 Speaker 2: I would not be able to go on with the 40 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,120 Speaker 2: mad undertaking I have on my hands. They pronounced me 41 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,880 Speaker 2: subject to fits of excitement and something else too, but 42 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:39,079 Speaker 2: nevertheless of sound mind. The doctors prescribed a certain treatment 43 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 2: and assured me that by following his directions, my trouble 44 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:48,440 Speaker 2: would completely disappear. Imagine all that torments me disappearing completely. Oh, 45 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 2: there is nothing I would not give to be free 46 00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:54,560 Speaker 2: from my trouble. The suffering is too great. I am 47 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,000 Speaker 2: going to tell explicitly how I came to undergo that examination, 48 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,960 Speaker 2: how I went mad, and how my madness was revealed 49 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:07,120 Speaker 2: to the outside world. Up to the age of thirty five, 50 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,520 Speaker 2: I lived like the rest of the world, and nobody 51 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:13,800 Speaker 2: had noticed any peculiarities in me. Only in my early childhood, 52 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,760 Speaker 2: before I was ten, I had occasionally been in a 53 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,919 Speaker 2: mental state similar to the present one, and then only 54 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,240 Speaker 2: at intervals, whereas now I am continually conscious of it. 55 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:27,560 Speaker 2: I remember going to bed one evening when I was 56 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 2: a child of five or six. Nurse Euphrasia, a tall, 57 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,680 Speaker 2: lean woman in a brown dress with a double chin, 58 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,720 Speaker 2: was undressing me and was just lifting me up to 59 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 2: put me into bed. I will get into bed myself, 60 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,440 Speaker 2: I said, preparing to step over the net at the bedside. 61 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 2: Lie down, Fadinka, you see Metinka is already lying quite still, 62 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,360 Speaker 2: she said, pointing with her head to my brother in 63 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,400 Speaker 2: his bed. I jumped into my bed, still holding the 64 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:59,760 Speaker 2: nurse's hand in mine. Then I let it go, stretched 65 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 2: my legs under the blanket and wrapped myself up. I 66 00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,680 Speaker 2: felt so nice and warm. I grew silent all of 67 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,920 Speaker 2: a sudden, and began thinking, I love nurse, Nurse loves me, 68 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 2: and Mitinka. I love Matinka too, and he loves me 69 00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,840 Speaker 2: and nurse and nurse loves Taras. And I love Tarras too, 70 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,799 Speaker 2: and so does Matinka. And Taras loves me, and nurse 71 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 2: and mother loves me, and nurse nurse loves mother and 72 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:27,760 Speaker 2: me and father. Everybody loves everybody, and everybody is happy. 73 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,520 Speaker 2: Suddenly the housekeeper rushed in and began to shout in 74 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,280 Speaker 2: an angry voice something about a sugar basin she could 75 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:37,720 Speaker 2: not find. Nurse got cross and said she did not 76 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 2: take it. I felt frightened. It was all so strange. 77 00:04:41,839 --> 00:04:44,200 Speaker 2: A cold horror came over me, and I hid myself 78 00:04:44,279 --> 00:04:46,760 Speaker 2: under the blanket. But I felt no better. In the 79 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 2: darkness under the blanket, I thought of a boy who 80 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:52,320 Speaker 2: had got a thrashing one day in my presence, of 81 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,480 Speaker 2: his screams, and of the cruel face Foka made when 82 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 2: he was beating the boy. Then you won't do it anymore, 83 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,400 Speaker 2: you won't, he rep and went on beating. I won't, 84 00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 2: said the boy, and Folka kept on repeating over and over, 85 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,800 Speaker 2: you won't, you won't, and did not cease to strike 86 00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:12,080 Speaker 2: the boy. That was when my madness came over me 87 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,000 Speaker 2: for the first time. I burst into sobs, and they 88 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 2: could not quiet me for a long while. The tears 89 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 2: and despair of that day were the first signs of 90 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:24,360 Speaker 2: my present trouble. I well remember the second time my 91 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 2: madness seized me. It was when aunt was telling us 92 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,880 Speaker 2: about Christ. She told us his story and got up 93 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,720 Speaker 2: to leave the room, but we held her back. Tell 94 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,920 Speaker 2: us more about Jesus Christ. We said, I must go. 95 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 2: She replied, no, tell us more, please, Matinka insisted, and 96 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 2: she repeated all she had said before. She told us 97 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:48,080 Speaker 2: how they crucified him, how they beat and martyred him, 98 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 2: and how he went on praying and did not blame them. Auntie, 99 00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 2: Why did they torture him? They were wicked? Wasn't he God? 100 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:59,920 Speaker 2: Be still? It is nine o'clock. Don't you hear the clock? Strake? 101 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,920 Speaker 2: Why did they beat him? He had forgiven them? 102 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: Then? 103 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 2: Why did they hit him? Did it hurt him, Aunty? 104 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 2: Did it hurt? Be quiet? I say, I am going 105 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:12,360 Speaker 2: to the dining room to have tea now, but perhaps 106 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,159 Speaker 2: it never happened. Perhaps he was not beaten by them. 107 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:20,159 Speaker 2: I am going, no, Aunty, don't go. And again my 108 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:24,039 Speaker 2: madness took possession of me. I sobbed, and sobbed, and 109 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:29,279 Speaker 2: began knocking my head against the wall. Such had been 110 00:06:29,279 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 2: the fits of my madness in my childhood. But after 111 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 2: I was fourteen, from the time the instincts of sex 112 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,960 Speaker 2: awoke and I began to give way to vice, my 113 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,799 Speaker 2: madness seemed to have passed, and I was a boy 114 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 2: like other boys, just as happens with all of us, 115 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,720 Speaker 2: who are brought up on rich over abundant food, and 116 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 2: are spoiled and made effeminate because we never do any 117 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 2: physical work, and are surrounded by all possible temptations which 118 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 2: excite our sensual desire when in the company of other 119 00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:59,760 Speaker 2: children similarly spoiled. So I had been taught vice by 120 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 2: other boys of my age, and I indulged in it. 121 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,080 Speaker 2: As time passed, other vices came to take the place 122 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,919 Speaker 2: of the first. I began to know women, and so 123 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,960 Speaker 2: I went on living up to the time I was 124 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:14,680 Speaker 2: thirty five, looking out for all kinds of pleasures and 125 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:18,040 Speaker 2: enjoying them. I had a perfectly sound mind then, and 126 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,320 Speaker 2: never a sign of madness. Those twenty years of my 127 00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:24,800 Speaker 2: normal life passed without leaving any special record on my memory. 128 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,880 Speaker 2: And now it is only with great effort of mind 129 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:31,360 Speaker 2: and with utter disgust, that I can concentrate my thoughts 130 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 2: upon that time. Like all boys of my set who 131 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,040 Speaker 2: were of sound mind, I entered school, passed on to 132 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 2: the university, and went through a course of law studies. 133 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,800 Speaker 2: Then I entered the State service for a short time, 134 00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 2: married and settled down in the country, educating, if our 135 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,040 Speaker 2: way of bringing up children can be called educating my children, 136 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,240 Speaker 2: looking after the land, and filling the post of a 137 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 2: justice of the peace. It was when I had been 138 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,360 Speaker 2: married ten years that one of those attacks acts of 139 00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 2: madness I suffered from in my childhood made its appearance again. 140 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,080 Speaker 2: My wife and I had saved up money from her 141 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 2: inheritance and from some government bonds of mine which I 142 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,880 Speaker 2: had sold, and we decided that with that money we 143 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:17,080 Speaker 2: would buy another estate. I was naturally keen to increase 144 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 2: our fortune, and to do it in the shrewdest way 145 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,640 Speaker 2: better than anyone else would manage it. I went about 146 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,240 Speaker 2: inquiring what estates were to be sold and used to 147 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:29,600 Speaker 2: read all the advertisements in the papers. What I wanted 148 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 2: was to buy an a state, the produce or timber 149 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,600 Speaker 2: of which would cover the cost of purchase, and then 150 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,960 Speaker 2: I would have the estate practically for nothing. I was 151 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:41,000 Speaker 2: looking out for a fool who did not understand business, 152 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 2: and there came a day when I thought I had 153 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,000 Speaker 2: found one. In a state with large forests attached to 154 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,280 Speaker 2: it was to be sold in the pensa government. To 155 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,199 Speaker 2: judge by the information I had received, the proprietor of 156 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,480 Speaker 2: the state was exactly the imbecile I wanted, and I 157 00:08:56,559 --> 00:08:59,240 Speaker 2: might expect the forests to cover the price asked for 158 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,439 Speaker 2: the whole estate. I got my things ready and was 159 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,079 Speaker 2: soon on my way to the estate I wished to inspect. 160 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 2: We had first to go by train. I had taken 161 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 2: my manservant with me, then by coach, with relays of 162 00:09:12,679 --> 00:09:16,560 Speaker 2: horses at various stations. The journey was very pleasant, and 163 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 2: my servant, a good natured youth, liked it as much 164 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,640 Speaker 2: as I did. We enjoyed the new surroundings and the 165 00:09:22,679 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 2: new people. Having now only about two hundred miles more 166 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,640 Speaker 2: to drive, we decided to go on without stopping except 167 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 2: to change horses at stations. Night came on and we 168 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 2: were still driving. I had been dozing, but presently I awoke, 169 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 2: seized with a sudden fear, as often happens in such 170 00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,840 Speaker 2: a case. I was so excited that I was thoroughly awake, 171 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 2: and it seemed as if sleep were gone forever. Why 172 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 2: am I driving? Where am I going? I suddenly asked myself. 173 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 2: It was not that I disliked the idea of buying 174 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,960 Speaker 2: an estate at a bargain, but it seemed at that 175 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 2: moment so senseless a journey to such a faraway place, 176 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,560 Speaker 2: and as if I were going to die there away 177 00:10:02,559 --> 00:10:08,200 Speaker 2: from home. I was overcome with terror. My servant, Sergius, awoke, 178 00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 2: and I took advantage of the fact to talk to him. 179 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:15,000 Speaker 2: I began to remark upon the scenery around us. He 180 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 2: had also a good deal to say of the people 181 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:20,000 Speaker 2: at home, of the pleasure of the journey, and it 182 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,520 Speaker 2: seemed strange to me that he could talk so gaily. 183 00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,679 Speaker 2: He appeared so pleased with everything and in such good spirits, 184 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,520 Speaker 2: whereas I was annoyed with it all. Still, I felt 185 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:33,720 Speaker 2: more at ease when I was talking with him, along 186 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,960 Speaker 2: with my feelings of restlessness and my secret horror. However, 187 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 2: I was fatigued as well, and longed to break the 188 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:44,679 Speaker 2: journey somewhere. It seemed to me my uneasiness would cease 189 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,839 Speaker 2: if only I could enter a room have tea in 190 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:52,280 Speaker 2: what I desired most of all, sleep. We were approaching 191 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 2: the town Arzamas. Don't you think we had better stop 192 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,960 Speaker 2: here and have a rest? Why not? It's an excellent ida. 193 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,599 Speaker 2: How far are we from the town, I asked the 194 00:11:02,679 --> 00:11:08,199 Speaker 2: driver another seven miles. The driver was a quiet, silent man. 195 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,720 Speaker 2: He was driving rather slowly and wearily. We drove on. 196 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,120 Speaker 2: I was silent, but I felt better, looking forward to 197 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:19,200 Speaker 2: a rest and hoping to feel the better for it. 198 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,200 Speaker 2: We drove on and on in the darkness, and the 199 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:25,360 Speaker 2: seven miles seemed to have no end. At last we 200 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,880 Speaker 2: reached the town. It was sound asleep in that early hour. 201 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:32,280 Speaker 2: First came the small houses, piercing the darkness, and as 202 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,720 Speaker 2: we passed them, the noise of our jingling bells and 203 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:38,400 Speaker 2: trotting of our horses seemed louder. In a few places 204 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,880 Speaker 2: the houses were large and white, but I did not 205 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 2: feel less dejected for seeing them. I was waiting for 206 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,800 Speaker 2: the station and the Samovar, and longed to lie down 207 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 2: and rest. At last, we approached a house with pillars 208 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 2: in front of it. The house was white, but it 209 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,440 Speaker 2: seemed to me to be very melancholy. I felt even 210 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,040 Speaker 2: frightened at its aspect, and stepped slowly out of the carriage. 211 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:05,120 Speaker 2: Sergius was busying himself with our luggage, taking what we 212 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:08,040 Speaker 2: needed for the night, running about and stepping heavily on 213 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:12,600 Speaker 2: the doorsteps. The sound of his brisk tread increased my weariness. 214 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 2: I walked in and came into a small passage. A 215 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:20,400 Speaker 2: man received us. He had a large spot on his cheek, 216 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 2: and that spot filled me with horror. He asked us 217 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 2: into a room, which was just an ordinary room. My 218 00:12:27,320 --> 00:12:31,080 Speaker 2: uneasiness was growing. Could we have a room to rest in? 219 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,480 Speaker 2: I asked, Oh, yes, I have a very nice bedroom 220 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:40,640 Speaker 2: at your disposal, a square room, newly whitewashed. The fact 221 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,560 Speaker 2: of the little room being square was, I remember it 222 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:47,880 Speaker 2: so well most painful to me. It had one window 223 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 2: with a red curtain, a table of birchwood, and a 224 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 2: sofa with a curved back and arms. Sergius boiled the 225 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,640 Speaker 2: water in the samovar and made us tea. I put 226 00:12:57,679 --> 00:13:00,240 Speaker 2: a pillow on the sofa in the meantime and lay down. 227 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,000 Speaker 2: I was not asleep. I heard Sergey as busy with 228 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,000 Speaker 2: the samovar and urging me to have the tea. I 229 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 2: was afraid to get up from the sofa, afraid of 230 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,480 Speaker 2: driving away sleep, and just to be sitting in that 231 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 2: room seemed awful. I did not get up, but fell 232 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:19,120 Speaker 2: into a sort of doze. When I started up out 233 00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:20,959 Speaker 2: of it, nobody was in the room and it was 234 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:24,360 Speaker 2: quite dark. I woke up the very same sensation I 235 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 2: had the first time, and knew sleep was gone. Why 236 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 2: am I here? Where am I going? Just as I am? 237 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,760 Speaker 2: I must be forever. Neither the Pensa nor any other 238 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,440 Speaker 2: estate will add or take anything away from me. As 239 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 2: for me, I am unbearably weary of myself. I want 240 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:48,200 Speaker 2: to go to sleep, to forget, and I cannot. I 241 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:52,040 Speaker 2: cannot get rid of self, just like we can't get 242 00:13:52,120 --> 00:14:10,280 Speaker 2: rid of these advertisers. And we're back. I went out 243 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 2: into the passage. Sergius was sleeping there on a narrow bench, 244 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,680 Speaker 2: his hand hanging down beside it. He was sleeping soundly, 245 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:20,160 Speaker 2: and the man with the spot on his cheek was 246 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:23,320 Speaker 2: also asleep. I thought by going out of the room 247 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:26,840 Speaker 2: to get away from what was tormenting me, But it 248 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,960 Speaker 2: followed me and made everything seem dark and dreary. My 249 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 2: feeling of horror, instead of leaving me, was increasing. What nonsense, 250 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,480 Speaker 2: I said to myself, Why am I so dejected? What 251 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:44,600 Speaker 2: am I afraid of? You are afraid of me? I 252 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 2: heard the voice of death. I am here, I shuddered, Yes, death, 253 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 2: death will come. It will come, and ought not to come. 254 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,240 Speaker 2: Even in facing actual death, I would certainly not feel 255 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,720 Speaker 2: anything of what I feel now. Then it would be 256 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:04,400 Speaker 2: simply fear, whereas now it was more than that. I 257 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:08,160 Speaker 2: was actually seen feeling the approach of death, and along 258 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,720 Speaker 2: with it I felt that death ought not to exist. 259 00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 2: My entire being was conscious of the necessity of the 260 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,480 Speaker 2: right to live and at the same time of the 261 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:22,440 Speaker 2: inevitability of dying. This inner conflict was causing me unbearable pain. 262 00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 2: I tried to shake off the horror. I found a 263 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 2: half burnt candle in a brass candlestick and lighted it. 264 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,080 Speaker 2: The candle with its red flame, burnt down until it 265 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,400 Speaker 2: was not much taller than the low candlestick. The same 266 00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:39,240 Speaker 2: thing seemed to be repeated over and over. Nothing lasts. 267 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 2: Life is not all is death, but death ought not 268 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 2: to exist. I tried to turn my thoughts to what 269 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 2: had interested me before, to the estate I was to buy, 270 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:53,160 Speaker 2: and to my wife. Far from being a relief, there 271 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:56,720 Speaker 2: seemed nothing to me now. To feel my life doomed 272 00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:59,200 Speaker 2: to be taken from me was a terror, shutting out 273 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:03,080 Speaker 2: any other thought. I must try to sleep, I decided. 274 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,360 Speaker 2: I went to bed, But the next instant I jumped up, 275 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:12,200 Speaker 2: seized with horror. A sickness overcame me, a spiritual sickness, 276 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:16,520 Speaker 2: not unlike the physical uneasiness preceding actual illness, but in 277 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,840 Speaker 2: the spirit, not in the body. A terrible fear similar 278 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 2: to the fear of death. When mingled with the recollections 279 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,880 Speaker 2: of my past life, developed into a horror, as if 280 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,720 Speaker 2: life were departing. Life and death were flowing into one another. 281 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,320 Speaker 2: An unknown power was trying to tear my soul into pieces, 282 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,800 Speaker 2: but could not bend it. Once more, I went out 283 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,200 Speaker 2: into the passage to look at the two men asleep. 284 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 2: Once more, I tried to go to sleep. The horror 285 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,480 Speaker 2: was always the same, now red, now white and square. 286 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 2: Something was tearing within, but could not be torn apart. 287 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:57,520 Speaker 2: A torturing sensation, an arid hatred deprived me of every 288 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 2: spark of kindly feeling, dull and steady hatred against myself 289 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:06,840 Speaker 2: and against that which had created me. What did create me? 290 00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: God? 291 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,439 Speaker 2: We say, God? What if I tried to pray? I 292 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,080 Speaker 2: suddenly thought I had not said a prayer for more 293 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:18,359 Speaker 2: than twenty years and had no religious sentiment. Although just 294 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 2: for formality's sake, I fasted and partook of the communion 295 00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 2: every year, and began saying prayers, God forgive me, our Father, 296 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:32,040 Speaker 2: our lady. I was composing new prayers, crossing myself, bowing 297 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 2: to the earth, looking around me, all the while, for 298 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,960 Speaker 2: fear I might be discovered in my devotional attitude. The 299 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,879 Speaker 2: prayer seemed to divert my thoughts from the previous terror, 300 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,280 Speaker 2: but it was more the fear of being seen by 301 00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:46,399 Speaker 2: somebody that did it. I went to bed again, but 302 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,679 Speaker 2: the moment I shut my eyes, the very same feeling 303 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 2: of terror made me jump up. I could not stand 304 00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:55,000 Speaker 2: it any longer. I called the hotel servant, roused Sergius 305 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,720 Speaker 2: from his sleep, ordered him to harness the horses to 306 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:01,600 Speaker 2: the carriage, and we were soon driving on once more. 307 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,920 Speaker 2: The open air and the drive made me feel much better, 308 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:07,960 Speaker 2: but I realized that something new had come into my 309 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,119 Speaker 2: soul and had poisoned the life I had lived up 310 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:15,720 Speaker 2: to that hour. We reached our destination in the evening. 311 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 2: The whole day long, I remained struggling with despair and 312 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,919 Speaker 2: finally conquered it. But a horror remained in the depth 313 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 2: of my soul. It was as if a misfortune had 314 00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:28,359 Speaker 2: happened to me, and although I was able to forget 315 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:30,840 Speaker 2: it for a while, it remained at the bottom of 316 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:35,280 Speaker 2: my soul, and I was entirely dominated by it. The 317 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,480 Speaker 2: manager of the estate, an old man, received us in 318 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,720 Speaker 2: a very friendly manner, though not exactly with a great joy. 319 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 2: He was sorry that the estate was to be sold. 320 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:49,640 Speaker 2: The clean little rooms with upholstered furniture, a new shining 321 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 2: Samovar on the tea table, nice large cups honey served 322 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,880 Speaker 2: with the tea. Everything was pleasant to see. I began 323 00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:01,360 Speaker 2: questioning him about the estate without any interest, as if 324 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,920 Speaker 2: I were repeating a lesson learned long ago and nearly forgotten. 325 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:09,720 Speaker 2: It was so uninteresting, But that night I was able 326 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:13,080 Speaker 2: to go to sleep without feeling miserable. I thought this 327 00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,880 Speaker 2: was due to having said my prayers again before going 328 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:21,120 Speaker 2: to bed. After that incident, I resumed my ordinary life, 329 00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:24,280 Speaker 2: but the apprehension that this horror would again come upon 330 00:19:24,359 --> 00:19:27,800 Speaker 2: me was continual. I had to live my usual life 331 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,399 Speaker 2: without any respite, not giving way to my thoughts, just 332 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:34,320 Speaker 2: like a schoolboy who repeats by habit and without thinking 333 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 2: the lesson learned by heart. That was the only way 334 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:40,159 Speaker 2: to avoid being seized again by the horror and the 335 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 2: despair I had experienced in Arzamis. I had returned safe 336 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 2: home for my journey. I had not bought the estate, 337 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:51,639 Speaker 2: I had not enough money. My life at home seemed 338 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,080 Speaker 2: to be just as it had always been, save for 339 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,879 Speaker 2: my having taken to sane prayers into going to church. 340 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:00,600 Speaker 2: But now when I recollect that time, I see that 341 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,120 Speaker 2: I only imagined my life to be the same as before. 342 00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:07,280 Speaker 2: The fact was I merely continued what I had previously started, 343 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 2: and was running with the same speed on rails already laid. 344 00:20:11,480 --> 00:20:15,400 Speaker 2: But I did not undertake anything new, even in those 345 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,959 Speaker 2: things which I had already taken in hand. My interest 346 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 2: had diminished. I was tired of everything and was growing 347 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 2: very religious. My wife noticed this and was often vexed 348 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,120 Speaker 2: with me for it. No new fit of distress occurred 349 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,879 Speaker 2: while I was at home, but one day I had 350 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:35,600 Speaker 2: to go unexpectedly to Moscow, where a lawsuit was pending. 351 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 2: In the train, I entered into conversation with a landowner 352 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,280 Speaker 2: from Kharkov. We were talking about the management of estates, 353 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:47,240 Speaker 2: about bank business, about the hotels in Moscow and the theaters. 354 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 2: We both decided to stop at the Moscow Court in 355 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:54,880 Speaker 2: the Mayasankaya Street and go that evening to the opera 356 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,639 Speaker 2: to faust. When we arrived, I was shown into a 357 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,960 Speaker 2: small room, the heavy smell of the passage being still 358 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:06,359 Speaker 2: in my nostrils. The porter brought in my portmanteau, and 359 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,679 Speaker 2: the amid lighted the candle, the flame of which burned 360 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 2: up brightly and then flickered, as it usually does. In 361 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,320 Speaker 2: the room next to mine, I heard somebody coughing, probably 362 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:19,119 Speaker 2: an old man. The maid went out, and the porter 363 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:22,240 Speaker 2: asked whether I wished him to open my bag. In 364 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:25,600 Speaker 2: the Meanwhile, the candle flame had flared up, throwing its 365 00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:28,840 Speaker 2: light on the blue wallpaper with yellow stripes on the partition, 366 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,720 Speaker 2: on the shabby table, on the small sofa in front 367 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,840 Speaker 2: of it, on the mirror hanging on the wall and 368 00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,800 Speaker 2: on the window. I saw what the small room was like, 369 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:40,800 Speaker 2: and suddenly felt the horror of the arazemas night awakening 370 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:44,440 Speaker 2: within me. My God, must I stay here for the night? 371 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:48,520 Speaker 2: How can I? I thought? Will you kindly unfasten my bag? 372 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,520 Speaker 2: I said to the porter to keep him longer in 373 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,240 Speaker 2: the room, And now I'll dress quickly and go to 374 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,280 Speaker 2: the theater, I said to myself. When the bag had 375 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 2: been untied, I said to the porter, please tell the 376 00:22:00,359 --> 00:22:02,600 Speaker 2: gentleman in number eight, the one who came with me, 377 00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 2: then I shall be ready presently, and ask him to 378 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,760 Speaker 2: wait for me. The porter left, and I began to 379 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:12,240 Speaker 2: dress in haste, afraid to look at the walls. But 380 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 2: what nonsense, I said to myself. Why am I frightened 381 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:17,919 Speaker 2: like a child. I am not afraid of ghosts. To 382 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,159 Speaker 2: be afraid of ghosts is nothing to what I was 383 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:23,360 Speaker 2: afraid of. But what is it? Absolutely nothing? I am 384 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:28,119 Speaker 2: only afraid of myself. Nonsense. I slipped into a cold, rough, 385 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 2: starched shirt, stuck in the studs, put on evening dress 386 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,359 Speaker 2: and new boots, and went to call for the Kharkoff landowner, 387 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:40,119 Speaker 2: who was ready. We started for the opera house. He 388 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:42,560 Speaker 2: stopped on the way to have his hair curled, while 389 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:44,960 Speaker 2: I went to a French hair dresser to have mine cut, 390 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 2: where I talked a little to the frenchwoman in the 391 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:51,240 Speaker 2: shop and bought a new pair of gloves. Everything seemed 392 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:54,480 Speaker 2: all right. I had completely forgotten the oblong room in 393 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 2: the hotel and the walls. I enjoyed the faust performance 394 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,400 Speaker 2: very much, and when it was over, my companion proposed 395 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,800 Speaker 2: that we should have supper. This was contrary to my habits, 396 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,399 Speaker 2: but just at that moment I remembered the walls in 397 00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:14,119 Speaker 2: my room and accepted. We returned home after one I 398 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:16,919 Speaker 2: had two glasses of wine, an unusual thing for me, 399 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,680 Speaker 2: in spite of which I was feeling quite at ease. 400 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,320 Speaker 2: But the moment we entered the passage with the lowered 401 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,280 Speaker 2: lamp lighting it, the moment I was surrounded by the 402 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 2: peculiar smell of the hotel, I felt a cold shudder 403 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,240 Speaker 2: of horror running down my back. But there was nothing 404 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 2: to be done. I shook hands with my new friend 405 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:41,120 Speaker 2: and stepped into my room. I had a frightful night, 406 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 2: much worse than the night in Arsamis, and it was 407 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,120 Speaker 2: not until dawn when the old man in the room 408 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:51,200 Speaker 2: next was coughing again that I fell asleep, and then 409 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:53,680 Speaker 2: not in my bed, but after getting in and out 410 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,840 Speaker 2: of it many times on the sofa, I suffered the 411 00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:02,000 Speaker 2: whole night unbearably. Once more, my soul and my body 412 00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:06,000 Speaker 2: were tearing themselves apart. Within me, the same thoughts came again. 413 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:09,199 Speaker 2: I am living, I have lived up till now. I 414 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:11,359 Speaker 2: have the right to live. But all around me is 415 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 2: death and destruction. Then why live? Why not die? Why 416 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,280 Speaker 2: not kill myself immediately? 417 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:16,440 Speaker 1: No? 418 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:19,320 Speaker 2: I could not. I am afraid. Is it better to 419 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:21,639 Speaker 2: wait for death to come when it will? No, that 420 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:24,160 Speaker 2: is even worse, and I am also afraid of that. 421 00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,359 Speaker 2: Then I must live. But for what? In order to die? 422 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,880 Speaker 2: I could not get out of that circle. I took 423 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 2: a book and began reading. For a moment it made 424 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,000 Speaker 2: me forget my thoughts. But then the same questions and 425 00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 2: the same horror came again. I got into bed, lay 426 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,000 Speaker 2: down and shut my eyes. That made the horror worse. 427 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:49,200 Speaker 2: God had created things as they are. But why they say, 428 00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:50,919 Speaker 2: don't ask pray? 429 00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:51,880 Speaker 1: Well? 430 00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 2: I did pray. I was praying now, just as I 431 00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 2: did at Arzamas. At that time I had prayed simply 432 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 2: like a child. Now my prayers had a definite MEAs 433 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:04,719 Speaker 2: if thou exist, reveal thy existence to me? To what 434 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,479 Speaker 2: end am I created? What am I? I was bowing 435 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,680 Speaker 2: to the earth, repeating all the prayers I knew, composing 436 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:15,040 Speaker 2: new ones, and I was adding each time, reveal thy 437 00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:18,840 Speaker 2: existence to me. I became quiet, waiting for an answer, 438 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,600 Speaker 2: But no answer came, as if there were nothing to answer. 439 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,000 Speaker 2: I was alone, alone with myself and was answering my 440 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 2: own questions in place of him who would not answer. 441 00:25:28,560 --> 00:25:31,600 Speaker 2: What am I created for to live in a future life? 442 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:35,119 Speaker 2: I answered? Then, why this uncertainty and torment? I cannot 443 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,440 Speaker 2: believe in future life? I did believe when I asked, 444 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:42,520 Speaker 2: but not with my whole soul. Now I cannot cannot. 445 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 2: If thou didst exist, thou wouldst reveal it to me 446 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,680 Speaker 2: to all men. But thou dost not exist, And there 447 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 2: is nothing true but distress. But I cannot accept that 448 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:56,359 Speaker 2: I rebelled against it. I implored him to reveal his 449 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:59,399 Speaker 2: existence to me. I did all that everybody does, but 450 00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,280 Speaker 2: he did not reveal himself to me. Ask and it 451 00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 2: shall be given unto you, I remembered, and I began 452 00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:07,640 Speaker 2: to entreat. In doing so, I felt no real comfort, 453 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:12,320 Speaker 2: but just sircease of despair. Perhaps it was not entreaty 454 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:15,520 Speaker 2: on my part, but only denial of him. You retreat 455 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:18,000 Speaker 2: a step from him, and he goes from you a mile. 456 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,359 Speaker 2: I did not believe in him, and yet here I 457 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:24,919 Speaker 2: was entreating him, but he did not reveal himself. I 458 00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:27,640 Speaker 2: was balancing my accounts with him. I was blaming him. 459 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 2: I simply did not believe. But do you know what 460 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,520 Speaker 2: you can believe in, dear listener. You can believe that 461 00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:37,960 Speaker 2: there are ads in this show. You can't believe anything 462 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,600 Speaker 2: about the ads, but you can believe that they're there 463 00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:44,360 Speaker 2: unless you have cooler zone media. And then, like our 464 00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:48,280 Speaker 2: hero of today's story, you will cry out to the 465 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:53,600 Speaker 2: advertisers and say, prove that thou dost exist. And yet 466 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,640 Speaker 2: the advertisers will not answer because you have cooler zone 467 00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:10,200 Speaker 2: medium and you don't get to hear them. And we're 468 00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:13,680 Speaker 2: back the next day. I used all my endeavors to 469 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:16,840 Speaker 2: get through my affairs somehow during the day in order 470 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:19,120 Speaker 2: to be saved from another night in the hotel room. 471 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,320 Speaker 2: Although I had not finished everything. I left for home 472 00:27:22,359 --> 00:27:26,000 Speaker 2: in the evening that night at Moscow brought a still 473 00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,920 Speaker 2: greater change into my life, which had been changing ever 474 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,120 Speaker 2: since the night at Arzamis. I was now paying less 475 00:27:32,119 --> 00:27:35,280 Speaker 2: attention to my affairs and grew more and more indifferent 476 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,520 Speaker 2: to everything around me. My health was also getting bad. 477 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 2: My wife urged me to consult a doctor. To her, 478 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,840 Speaker 2: my continual talk about God and religion was a sign 479 00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:48,399 Speaker 2: of ill health. Whereas I knew I was ill and 480 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,600 Speaker 2: weak because of the unsolved questions of religion and of God. 481 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:54,760 Speaker 2: I was trying not to let that question dominate my 482 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:59,040 Speaker 2: mind and continued living amid the old, unaltered conditions, filling 483 00:27:59,119 --> 00:28:03,200 Speaker 2: up my time within cessant occupations. On Sundays and feast days, 484 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,760 Speaker 2: I went to church. I even fasted, as I had 485 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:08,480 Speaker 2: begun to do since my journey to Penza, and did 486 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,680 Speaker 2: not cease to pray. I had no faith in my prayers, 487 00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,720 Speaker 2: but somehow I kept the demand note in my possession 488 00:28:14,760 --> 00:28:17,639 Speaker 2: instead of tearing it up, and was always presenting it 489 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,800 Speaker 2: for payment. Although I was aware of the impossibility of 490 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,560 Speaker 2: getting paid, I did it just on the chance. I 491 00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:27,280 Speaker 2: occupied my days not with the management of the estate. 492 00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:30,080 Speaker 2: I felt disgusted with all business because of the struggle 493 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:34,040 Speaker 2: it involved, but with the reading of papers, magazines, and novels, 494 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:38,040 Speaker 2: and with card playing for small stakes. The only outlet 495 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:41,239 Speaker 2: for my energy was hunting. I had kept that up 496 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:45,960 Speaker 2: from habit, having been fond of this sport all my life. 497 00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,160 Speaker 2: One day in winter, a neighbor of mine came with 498 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 2: his dogs to hunt wolves. Having arrived at the meeting place, 499 00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:54,920 Speaker 2: we put on snow shoes to walk over the snow 500 00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:59,120 Speaker 2: and move rapidly along. The hunt was unsuccessful. The wolves 501 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,560 Speaker 2: contrived to escape through the stockade. As I became aware 502 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:05,200 Speaker 2: of that from a distance, I took the direction of 503 00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,480 Speaker 2: the forest to follow the fresh track of a hare. 504 00:29:08,320 --> 00:29:11,080 Speaker 2: This led me far away into a field. There I 505 00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:14,240 Speaker 2: spied the hair, but he had disappeared before I could fire. 506 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:16,960 Speaker 2: I turned to go back and had to pass a 507 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:20,600 Speaker 2: forest of huge trees. The snow was deep, the snow 508 00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:23,840 Speaker 2: shoes were sinking in, and the branches were entangling me. 509 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 2: The wood was getting thicker and thicker. I wondered where 510 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:31,520 Speaker 2: I was, for the snow had changed all the familiar places. 511 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,720 Speaker 2: Suddenly I realized that I had lost my way. How 512 00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:37,680 Speaker 2: should I get home or reach the hunting party. Not 513 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:41,280 Speaker 2: a sound to guide me I was tired and bathed 514 00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,400 Speaker 2: in perspiration. If I stopped, I would probably freeze to death. 515 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:50,160 Speaker 2: If I walked on, my strength would forsake me. I shouted, 516 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:54,080 Speaker 2: but all was quiet and no answer came. I turned 517 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,080 Speaker 2: in the opposite direction, which was wrong again, and looked 518 00:29:57,120 --> 00:30:00,760 Speaker 2: round nothing but the wood on every hand. I could 519 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,400 Speaker 2: not tell which was east or west. I turned back again, 520 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,520 Speaker 2: but could hardly move a step. I was frightened and stopped. 521 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,320 Speaker 2: The horror I had experienced in Narsamis and in Moscow 522 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,560 Speaker 2: seized me again, only a hundred times greater. My heart 523 00:30:16,640 --> 00:30:19,840 Speaker 2: was beating, my hands and feet were shaking. Am I 524 00:30:19,920 --> 00:30:24,480 Speaker 2: to die here? I don't want to? Why death? What 525 00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,960 Speaker 2: is death? I was about to ask again to reproach God, 526 00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:31,080 Speaker 2: when suddenly I felt I must not. I ought not. 527 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,440 Speaker 2: I had not the right to present any account to him. 528 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:37,080 Speaker 2: He had said all that was necessary, and the fault 529 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:40,280 Speaker 2: was wholly mine. I began to implore his forgiveness, and 530 00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,880 Speaker 2: I felt disgusted with myself. The horror, however, did not 531 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,680 Speaker 2: last long. I stood still one moment, plucked up courage 532 00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:50,240 Speaker 2: and took the direction which seemed to be the right one, 533 00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,760 Speaker 2: And it was actually soon out of the wood. I 534 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:55,920 Speaker 2: had not been far from its edge when I lost 535 00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,760 Speaker 2: my way. As I came out on the main road, 536 00:30:58,840 --> 00:31:01,520 Speaker 2: my hands and feet were still shaking, and my heart 537 00:31:01,560 --> 00:31:04,840 Speaker 2: was beating violently, but my soul was full of joy. 538 00:31:05,480 --> 00:31:08,120 Speaker 2: I soon found my party, and we all returned home together. 539 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,520 Speaker 2: I was not quite happy, but I knew there was 540 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:13,760 Speaker 2: a joy within me. But I knew there was a 541 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:17,120 Speaker 2: joy within me which I would understand later on, and 542 00:31:17,160 --> 00:31:20,600 Speaker 2: that joy proved real. I went to my study to 543 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:24,120 Speaker 2: be alone and prayed, remembering my sins and asking for forgiveness. 544 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,840 Speaker 2: They did not seem to be numerous, but when I 545 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:29,000 Speaker 2: thought of what they were, they were hateful to me. 546 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,680 Speaker 2: Then I began to read the scriptures. The Old Testament 547 00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:37,320 Speaker 2: I found incomprehensible but enchanting, the New touching and into meekness. 548 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,240 Speaker 2: But my favorite reading was now the lives of the saints. 549 00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:44,280 Speaker 2: They were consoling to me, offering example which seemed more 550 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 2: and more possible to follow. Since that time, I have 551 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:50,360 Speaker 2: grown even less interested in the management of affairs and 552 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:54,360 Speaker 2: in family matters. These things even became repulsive to me. 553 00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:58,080 Speaker 2: Everything was wrong in my eyes. I did not quite 554 00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,560 Speaker 2: realize why they were wrong, But I knew that the 555 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,880 Speaker 2: things of which my whole life had consisted now counted 556 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,280 Speaker 2: for nothing. This was plainly revealed to me again on 557 00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:10,560 Speaker 2: the occasion of the projected purchase of an estate which 558 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:14,400 Speaker 2: was for sale in our neighborhood on very advantageous terms. 559 00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,800 Speaker 2: I went to inspect it. Everything was very satisfactory, the 560 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:21,480 Speaker 2: more so because the peasants on that estate had no 561 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:25,240 Speaker 2: land of their own beyond their vegetable gardens. I grasped 562 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:27,680 Speaker 2: at once that in exchange for the right of using 563 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,440 Speaker 2: the landowner's pasture grounds, they would do all the harvesting 564 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,600 Speaker 2: for him, And the information I was given proved that 565 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,680 Speaker 2: I was right. I saw how important that was, and 566 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,720 Speaker 2: was pleased, as it was in accordance with my old 567 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,840 Speaker 2: habits of thought. But on my way home I met 568 00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,480 Speaker 2: an old woman who asked her way, and I entered 569 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:49,480 Speaker 2: into a conversation with her, during which she told me 570 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:53,040 Speaker 2: about her poverty. On returning home, when telling my wife 571 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:57,120 Speaker 2: about the advantages the estate afforded, all at once I 572 00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:01,360 Speaker 2: felt ashamed and disgusted. I said I was not going 573 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:03,760 Speaker 2: to buy that estate, for its profits were based on 574 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:07,280 Speaker 2: the sufferings of the peasants. I was struck at that 575 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,920 Speaker 2: moment with the truth of what I was saying, the 576 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,600 Speaker 2: truth of the peasants having the same desire to live 577 00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:16,600 Speaker 2: as ourselves, of there being our equals, are brethren, the 578 00:33:16,720 --> 00:33:20,920 Speaker 2: children of the Father, as the Gospel says. But unexpectedly, 579 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,560 Speaker 2: something which had been gnawing within me for a long 580 00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 2: time became loosened and was torn away, and something new 581 00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:31,000 Speaker 2: seemed to be borne instead. My wife was vexed with 582 00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:34,240 Speaker 2: me and abused me, but I was full of joy. 583 00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:38,000 Speaker 2: This was the first sign of my madness. My utter 584 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:42,000 Speaker 2: madness began to show itself about a month later. This 585 00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:45,080 Speaker 2: began by my going to church. I was listening to 586 00:33:45,120 --> 00:33:48,160 Speaker 2: the mass with great attention and with a faithful heart, 587 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,520 Speaker 2: when I was suddenly given a wafer, after which every 588 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:54,719 Speaker 2: one began to move forward to kiss the cross, pushing 589 00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:57,840 Speaker 2: each other on all sides. As I was leaving church, 590 00:33:57,880 --> 00:34:01,160 Speaker 2: beggars were standing on the steps. It became instantly clear 591 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:04,120 Speaker 2: to me that this ought not to be, and in 592 00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:07,880 Speaker 2: reality was not. But if this is not, there is 593 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:10,640 Speaker 2: no death and no fear, and nothing is being torn 594 00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,160 Speaker 2: asunder within me. And I am not afraid of any 595 00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:16,839 Speaker 2: calamity which may come at that moment, the full light 596 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:19,279 Speaker 2: of the truth was kindled in me, and I grew 597 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 2: into what I am. 598 00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:20,440 Speaker 1: Now. 599 00:34:21,080 --> 00:34:23,960 Speaker 2: If all this horror does not necessarily exist around me, 600 00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:27,719 Speaker 2: then it certainly does not exist within me. I distributed 601 00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,200 Speaker 2: on the spot all of the money I had among 602 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,360 Speaker 2: the beggars in the porch, and I walked home instead 603 00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 2: of driving in my carriage as usual, and all the 604 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:43,200 Speaker 2: way I talked with the peasants the end. And I 605 00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:45,680 Speaker 2: hope you all are satisfied with this Tolstoy thing, because 606 00:34:45,680 --> 00:34:49,279 Speaker 2: that is the single most Christian anarchist thing I will 607 00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:53,480 Speaker 2: probably ever read in my life. Like, oh, you have 608 00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:57,200 Speaker 2: a panic disorder and you don't know what it's called. Well, 609 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:03,080 Speaker 2: the answer is to hate ca capitalism, and like, yeah, 610 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:06,600 Speaker 2: I don't know fair but the things that I Okay, 611 00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:08,720 Speaker 2: there's a couple things I find really interesting in this story. 612 00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:12,839 Speaker 2: The first section, I feel like I'm reading Lovecraft, like 613 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,200 Speaker 2: who is not a very good person? Because it has 614 00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:18,440 Speaker 2: this like I was filled with disgust at the spot 615 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,560 Speaker 2: on the man's cheek And then also the fact that 616 00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:25,320 Speaker 2: was what drives him to madness is like the shape 617 00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:30,560 Speaker 2: of the room, the feeling of a geometry is starting 618 00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,840 Speaker 2: to drive him mad. And if that ain't love crafting, 619 00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:36,319 Speaker 2: I don't know what is. But it's also relatable as 620 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:39,440 Speaker 2: someone who has had panic disorder stuff at various points 621 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,400 Speaker 2: in my life. The reason I realized I was going 622 00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:46,080 Speaker 2: to read this story is because this shape of I 623 00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:50,279 Speaker 2: think everything in my life is completely different now because 624 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:53,279 Speaker 2: I had a panic attack is so relatable to me, 625 00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,919 Speaker 2: and specifically because I didn't have the language around panic 626 00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:58,719 Speaker 2: attacks when I first started having them, and it just 627 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:02,240 Speaker 2: was like, I need to change everything about my life 628 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:07,720 Speaker 2: so that I never experienced that feeling again. And instead 629 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:09,600 Speaker 2: of becoming an anti capitalist because I was already an 630 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:13,120 Speaker 2: anti capitalist, what I did is good therapy. But you know, 631 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:15,960 Speaker 2: to each their own, okay. And then the other thing 632 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,080 Speaker 2: I found really fascinating about the story. I was talking 633 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,239 Speaker 2: on a recent episode, maybe it was last episode, about 634 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:26,520 Speaker 2: how this structure of stories where the thing happens like 635 00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:31,080 Speaker 2: three times before it gets solved, is repeated again. Here. 636 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,600 Speaker 2: You know, this is a story of three different panic attacks, 637 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:38,200 Speaker 2: but in the third one it's solved, and it solved, 638 00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:42,840 Speaker 2: I mean ironically, it's like solved by like coming to 639 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:49,560 Speaker 2: terms with well trusting himself. Right, He's like all right. 640 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:53,000 Speaker 2: Instead of being afraid, I'm just picking a direction and going. 641 00:36:54,000 --> 00:36:56,879 Speaker 2: I like that. The only thing the fear is fear 642 00:36:56,920 --> 00:37:01,279 Speaker 2: itself and discourse. The two things that are certain in 643 00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:04,120 Speaker 2: this world are death and discourse, but both are to 644 00:37:04,120 --> 00:37:09,320 Speaker 2: be avoided anyway. That's completely unrelated. I just like talking 645 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:13,160 Speaker 2: trash on discourse. That's the end of the episode. What 646 00:37:13,239 --> 00:37:16,759 Speaker 2: do I have to plug? I have to plug that. 647 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:21,239 Speaker 2: I have a substack newsletter and it's usually free, comes 648 00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:23,200 Speaker 2: out once a week, and I talk about all the 649 00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,839 Speaker 2: things that are on my mind. And sometimes I tell 650 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:29,600 Speaker 2: more personal stories and those ones are for paid subscribers, 651 00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:35,919 Speaker 2: but you can subscribe. Also go, I don't know, become 652 00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:40,120 Speaker 2: an anti capitalist, also don't Okay, the other thing I 653 00:37:40,160 --> 00:37:41,960 Speaker 2: forgot to talk about, Oh, I said, the episode's over, 654 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:44,440 Speaker 2: but then Margaret's still talking. Imagine that somebody talks for 655 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,560 Speaker 2: a living is still talking. Okay, So there is another 656 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,439 Speaker 2: part that I forgot to flag or whatever point out, 657 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:54,040 Speaker 2: like right at the beginning, this old timey idea of 658 00:37:54,160 --> 00:38:00,360 Speaker 2: associating like richness with effeminacy, effemasy, being late you like 659 00:38:00,400 --> 00:38:03,080 Speaker 2: as a man, and I hate it so much. I 660 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,040 Speaker 2: hate it so much, and I run across it all 661 00:38:05,080 --> 00:38:08,480 Speaker 2: the time in old radical literature, because there's this idea 662 00:38:09,120 --> 00:38:11,560 Speaker 2: that like, if you're not a working man working with 663 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:14,279 Speaker 2: your hands, then you've been made soft by being rich 664 00:38:14,600 --> 00:38:17,520 Speaker 2: and woman like. And the reason I hate that is 665 00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:22,040 Speaker 2: not because the aristocracy isn't made soft by the lives 666 00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:25,759 Speaker 2: that they lead, but that is so not gendered, like 667 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:31,080 Speaker 2: women's work is invisibilized through all of that, you know, 668 00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:38,200 Speaker 2: and I don't like it. Sorry, Tolstoy, You're canceled. Canceling 669 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:42,440 Speaker 2: the dead. That's what I'm gonna call this show. Okay, 670 00:38:42,640 --> 00:38:44,799 Speaker 2: I clearly am rambling. I will talk to you all 671 00:38:44,800 --> 00:38:46,040 Speaker 2: next week. Bye. 672 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:49,920 Speaker 1: It Could Happen Here as a production of cool Zone Media. 673 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:52,640 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from cool Zone Media, visit our website 674 00:38:52,719 --> 00:38:54,920 Speaker 1: cool zonemedia dot com, or check us out on the 675 00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:58,400 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. 676 00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:01,520 Speaker 1: You can find sources for Could Happen Here, updated monthly 677 00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:05,200 Speaker 1: at coolzoneeda dot com slash sources. Thanks for listening.