WEBVTT - Taylor Hill: How to Navigate Emotional Challenges & Ways to Practice Gratitude in Lifes’ Unexpected Hard Times 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:01.920 And I tried out for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. 0:00:02.000 --> 0:00:04.240 I wanted to try out and I wanted to do this, 0:00:04.320 --> 0:00:07.560 so I went and I auditioned for it, and when 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.000 I booked it, I was shocked. She's made a huge 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:14.320 splash in the fashion industry. Toy's Secret Angel Taylor. 0:00:14.160 --> 0:00:19.400 Him, let's talk about the grief of losing a friend. 0:00:19.680 --> 0:00:21.960 I'm looking at him and I'm asking him, like you, 0:00:22.600 --> 0:00:24.160 if you need to go, wait, please let me know. 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:31.880 I will let you go. Hey, everyone, I've got some 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:35.440 huge news to share with you. In the last ninety days, 0:00:35.800 --> 0:00:39.239 seventy nine point four percent of our audience came from 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.600 viewers and listeners that are not subscribed to this channel. 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:45.640 There's research that shows that if you want to create 0:00:45.680 --> 0:00:49.120 a habit, make it easy to access. By hitting the 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:52.839 subscribe button, you're creating a habit of learning how to 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:56.960 be happier, healthier, and more healed. This would also mean 0:00:57.040 --> 0:00:59.920 the absolute world to me and help us make bet 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:03.320 that's a bigger, brighter content for you and the world. 0:01:03.640 --> 0:01:04.760 Subscribe right now. 0:01:05.080 --> 0:01:07.119 The number one health and wellness. 0:01:06.800 --> 0:01:14.480 Podcast, Jay said, Jay Sheidy s set Hey everyone, welcome 0:01:14.520 --> 0:01:17.000 back to On Purpose, the number one health and Ononness 0:01:17.040 --> 0:01:19.200 podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:22.280 of you that come back every week to listen, learn 0:01:22.400 --> 0:01:25.280 and grow. Now you know, our mission here is to 0:01:25.360 --> 0:01:29.480 help the world, help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:31.840 And the way we do that is by trying to 0:01:31.840 --> 0:01:34.760 introduce you to people who can help you foreseen heard 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:37.080 and understood. And I want you to be able to 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:40.520 relate to the experiences, the challenges, the journeys that our 0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:45.200 audience and our guests go on. And today I'm so excited, 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:47.840 I'm so grateful, and I'm really honored to be having 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:48.440 this conversation. 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:50.000 I've been really looking forward to this. 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:52.040 I've been speaking to so many friends who've been going 0:01:52.040 --> 0:01:55.240 through different challenges, and I really believe that this episode 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:57.840 is going to be a powerful and empowering one for 0:01:57.960 --> 0:02:02.320 each and every one of you. Today's guest is Taylor Hill, supermodel, 0:02:02.440 --> 0:02:06.560 content creator, actor, and philanthropist. Taylor was discovered at the 0:02:06.560 --> 0:02:09.800 age of fourteen, and Taylor's worked with fashion houses and 0:02:09.880 --> 0:02:13.200 luxury brands around the world and grace the covers of 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:17.400 many of the biggest fashion magazines, including Vogue and many 0:02:17.400 --> 0:02:20.680 many more. Taylor's life was forever changed when she became 0:02:20.760 --> 0:02:24.640 mom to her late labradoodle Tate. Their special bond together 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:28.760 inspired Taylor to create Tit and Taylor, a rapidly growing 0:02:28.880 --> 0:02:33.800 media content platform and community for pets and their humans. Today, 0:02:33.880 --> 0:02:36.920 we dive into Tate and Taylor's story. Please welcome to 0:02:36.919 --> 0:02:42.200 the show, Taylor Hill. Hello, Taylor, thank you for being here. 0:02:42.480 --> 0:02:44.760 Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited. 0:02:44.960 --> 0:02:47.560 I'm so honestly grateful to have you here. And even 0:02:47.600 --> 0:02:49.760 the few moments we've probably spent ately about half an 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.840 hour chatting, even before we started recording, and in that moment, 0:02:53.440 --> 0:02:56.480 I can already tell I completely am n sync with 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:59.160 your energy, and oh thank it's been so wonderful spending 0:02:59.200 --> 0:02:59.640 this time with you. 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:02.799 Already, I'm so excited. I'm also kind of nervous. I mean, 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:05.680 this is only, I think, like my second podcast I've 0:03:05.720 --> 0:03:09.680 ever done. So I'm happy that, you know, I get 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:10.919 to be here and I get to talk to you. 0:03:10.919 --> 0:03:14.920 You're amazing and I've obviously listened before, and it's a 0:03:14.919 --> 0:03:18.200 special it's a special listen, So thanks for letting me 0:03:18.480 --> 0:03:19.080 come and talk. 0:03:19.440 --> 0:03:22.160 No, well, thank you for trusting us, and thank you 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:24.359 for being here. But let's dive straight into it. I 0:03:24.400 --> 0:03:27.560 want to ask you. I feel like you're someone who's 0:03:27.600 --> 0:03:32.320 had such an iconic career. You are extremely well known, 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:36.320 You're brilliant and one of the best at what you 0:03:36.400 --> 0:03:41.040 do across the world, yet we may not know so 0:03:41.160 --> 0:03:44.800 much about you, and that I had so much curiosity 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:46.760 when your name came up and I was like, yeah, 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:48.360 I know exactly what that is, but I want to learn, 0:03:48.800 --> 0:03:51.480 and so I want to start asking you. What would 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:55.160 you say is your earliest childhood memory that you feel 0:03:55.160 --> 0:03:56.600 has defined who you are today. 0:03:57.040 --> 0:04:01.200 My first memory ever is my I think it was 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:06.000 my third birthday party. So I was born in Chicago 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:08.600 and I lived there until I was probably about five 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.160 years old, and then I moved to Colorado, and that's 0:04:11.240 --> 0:04:15.360 like my home and where I am from in my head, 0:04:15.400 --> 0:04:19.360 because I don't really remember Chicago, but I remember being 0:04:19.720 --> 0:04:22.360 in our backyard there and we had this little red 0:04:22.400 --> 0:04:27.000 house and it was my birthday party and all of 0:04:27.040 --> 0:04:30.040 the kids in our neighborhood were over and we were 0:04:30.080 --> 0:04:32.839 having a party and I had a pink Barbie cake 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:36.760 and I specifically remember the candle was Barbie like. It 0:04:36.760 --> 0:04:42.080 was a very intricate candle. And everyone's singing Happy Birthday, 0:04:42.080 --> 0:04:43.640 and then I'm supposed to blow out the candles and 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:48.039 then my friend he blew the candles out before I could, 0:04:48.440 --> 0:04:51.520 and I got so upset, and I was very emotional 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:52.880 and I was like kind of crying and I got 0:04:52.920 --> 0:04:54.560 so mad, and I was like, why would you do that? 0:04:54.680 --> 0:04:56.839 Oh my gosh, I was supposed to do that. And 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:58.760 then my mom's like, it's okay, we can you know, 0:04:58.839 --> 0:05:01.400 we'll light the candle again and then you can blow 0:05:01.440 --> 0:05:03.960 out the candle. And I was like, well, it's not 0:05:03.960 --> 0:05:06.480 the same. He took my wish like. I was heartbroken. 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:10.800 And I think if that says anything about me, it's 0:05:10.839 --> 0:05:17.480 just that I'm very emotional and I just sometimes when 0:05:17.480 --> 0:05:20.080 people do things that aren't so nice to others, I 0:05:20.120 --> 0:05:23.320 sometimes don't understand. I'm like, why why did you do that? 0:05:23.560 --> 0:05:27.719 So that's one of my very first first memories. But 0:05:27.839 --> 0:05:32.080 I think something that kind of helped like maybe define 0:05:32.120 --> 0:05:34.679 who I was when from a child I would say 0:05:35.839 --> 0:05:42.880 is sports. I was a gymnast from when I was nine, 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:46.320 I did ballet from when I was six, and then 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:50.760 I grew up snowboarding, and I think for me being 0:05:50.880 --> 0:05:54.279 athletic and being active really helped shape who I am 0:05:54.320 --> 0:05:58.640 because I've been you know, I've been modeling for fourteen years. 0:05:58.680 --> 0:06:02.680 I was scouted at fourteen. And I love my job 0:06:02.720 --> 0:06:06.320 and I love working and I have such a passion 0:06:06.320 --> 0:06:07.760 and a drive for it. And I think I have 0:06:07.880 --> 0:06:10.960 such a drive because of being in sports my whole 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:14.800 life and honestly being a gymnast. Not a very good gymnast, 0:06:15.200 --> 0:06:17.520 but I loved it. I had so much fun doing it, 0:06:17.560 --> 0:06:20.320 even though I wasn't. My mom's like this girl, she's 0:06:20.360 --> 0:06:24.720 not going to the Olympics. That was understood, but you know, 0:06:24.839 --> 0:06:26.719 she encouraged me to do it anyway, and she knew 0:06:26.720 --> 0:06:29.480 I had fun. And you know, it gives you sort 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:33.880 of this sense of structure, and you know, healthy competition 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:36.920 is always a little bit nice. And I love the 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:41.400 sport of gymnastics because it's very demanding in a sense 0:06:41.880 --> 0:06:44.119 and it challenges you to always be better. 0:06:44.160 --> 0:06:44.320 You know. 0:06:44.480 --> 0:06:49.200 The sort of motto of gymnastics, or what my perception 0:06:49.279 --> 0:06:51.520 of it was from doing is, you know, strive to 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:55.039 be better, strive for perfection, perfect ten, all that stuff. 0:06:55.240 --> 0:06:57.479 You'll never get there. You'll never both. Some people do, 0:06:57.560 --> 0:06:59.520 but I was never going to be a perfect ten 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:02.640 let's be hones. But you know, having the drive to 0:07:02.760 --> 0:07:05.880 like always do better always, you know, perfect this trick, 0:07:05.960 --> 0:07:08.480 perfect that flip, do this, do that, and you know, 0:07:08.720 --> 0:07:11.360 push myself it was, and push myself in something I 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:14.520 enjoyed doing kind of gave me the I have a 0:07:14.520 --> 0:07:18.160 similar headspace and my modeling career just because I love 0:07:18.240 --> 0:07:20.680 doing it and I love my job and I just 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:22.200 want to, like, I just want to keep doing it, 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:26.560 you know. So I think that's two things about me. 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:29.440 Yeah, those are great answers. Are you do you still 0:07:29.480 --> 0:07:31.320 know the person who blew that candle out? 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:34.560 I do, Yes, I do. I I hadn't seen I 0:07:34.560 --> 0:07:36.920 haven't seen him in forever. But I did go back 0:07:36.920 --> 0:07:40.240 home to my where I was born a couple times, 0:07:40.320 --> 0:07:43.160 like throughout my childhood. My my godparents and my my 0:07:43.280 --> 0:07:47.360 mom and dad's best friends. They still lived there and 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:51.240 their children were our childhood best friends. So we would 0:07:51.240 --> 0:07:54.680 spend summers together and everything, and some summers I would 0:07:54.800 --> 0:07:58.080 go back to Chicago and like see them and all that, 0:07:58.160 --> 0:07:59.840 and see the kids in the neighborhood. So I did 0:08:00.280 --> 0:08:02.960 see this boy multiple times, and he was a really 0:08:03.000 --> 0:08:04.480 good friend. It was very innocent. You know, we were 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:06.960 only maybe three years old, so he didn't know what 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:08.920 he was doing either, But I just didn't understand. 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:11.280 Does he realize now what a big moment? 0:08:11.360 --> 0:08:13.240 He probably doesn't even remember that he did that, but 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.000 I do, yea, And he probably doesn't even know what 0:08:16.000 --> 0:08:17.840 I'm talking about him. But I'm not going to say 0:08:17.840 --> 0:08:18.360 his name before. 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:22.680 Well, how was that like when the Bobbie movie came out? 0:08:22.760 --> 0:08:25.240 Was that like as Bobby always remained idol in your 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:26.120 life since that day? 0:08:26.200 --> 0:08:26.760 Or not? Really? 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:30.480 You know, I loved I loved Barbie. I have two sisters, 0:08:30.720 --> 0:08:33.240 and I actually have three siblings, So I have an 0:08:33.280 --> 0:08:36.040 older sister, a younger sister, and a younger brother. And 0:08:36.080 --> 0:08:38.280 we're all very close in age. We're all about, you know, 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:41.480 roughly one year apart from each other. So growing up, 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:45.400 we loved playing dress up. We loved Barbie, We loved toys. 0:08:45.480 --> 0:08:49.440 We loved you know, Polly Pockets, we loved Little My 0:08:49.480 --> 0:08:51.920 Little Pet Shop. You know, we had all of those things. 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:56.000 We loved all of that. And I loved the Barbie movie. 0:08:56.040 --> 0:08:57.720 I thought it was great, and I thought it was 0:08:57.720 --> 0:09:00.480 really profound, and it touched on a lot of things 0:09:00.520 --> 0:09:03.800 in a really interesting and kind of a lighthearted way. 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:07.720 So yeah, I had a childhood connection to Barbie for sure, 0:09:07.840 --> 0:09:10.800 So I loved her. And then the candle was blown out. 0:09:10.800 --> 0:09:12.320 I was I was like, how could you do that? 0:09:13.880 --> 0:09:18.080 I can see it still affects you still. What was 0:09:18.120 --> 0:09:20.800 it like, you said, of course you got scouted at fourteen? 0:09:20.840 --> 0:09:23.000 What was it like? You have siblings? I'm assuming they 0:09:23.040 --> 0:09:25.920 weren't all working at fourteen, and so when you start 0:09:25.960 --> 0:09:29.760 working at fourteen, which is a very young age, First 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:32.360 of all, what does working at fourteen as a model 0:09:32.400 --> 0:09:35.400 look like? Like? What are the hours, what are the commitments? 0:09:35.440 --> 0:09:37.600 Do you drop out of school? And then how do 0:09:37.679 --> 0:09:39.640 your siblings react to it? 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:41.280 How do your parents react to it? Like what does 0:09:41.280 --> 0:09:41.720 it look like? 0:09:41.760 --> 0:09:45.280 Because I feel, yeah, they're not working, they're not getting paid, 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:46.360 they're not traveling. 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:51.120 Yeah, it was interesting. I mean, so my mom was 0:09:51.160 --> 0:09:53.640 a hairdresser, so she worked in a salon and cut hair, 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:57.880 and you know, after having all four of us, she 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:00.400 obviously was like, I can't stand on my feet all 0:10:00.480 --> 0:10:03.240 day and take care of four young children under the 0:10:03.280 --> 0:10:05.240 age of five, So we're not going to do that anymore. 0:10:05.320 --> 0:10:08.360 And she became a stay at home mother, which I'm 0:10:08.400 --> 0:10:10.760 so grateful to have had my mom. And that's a 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:14.000 that's a job, it's work, and she was amazing at it. 0:10:14.559 --> 0:10:17.880 And you know, when I was scouted and I started 0:10:18.040 --> 0:10:21.760 traveling and you know, working as a model, it meant that, 0:10:21.840 --> 0:10:23.600 you know, I went to New York, I signed with 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:26.840 IMG when I was fourteen, and from there I went everywhere. 0:10:26.880 --> 0:10:29.320 You know, I traveled the world that you know, fourteen 0:10:29.360 --> 0:10:32.079 years old, and my mom came with me everywhere I went. 0:10:32.160 --> 0:10:34.480 You know, I did Paris Fashion Weeks, I did New 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:37.600 York Fashion Week. I went to Australia and I lived 0:10:37.600 --> 0:10:40.320 there for a month or two. You know, milan all 0:10:40.360 --> 0:10:44.320 those spaces, and she came with me everywhere. And I 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:46.599 definitely wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for 0:10:46.720 --> 0:10:49.240 my mom and her support. And I know it was 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:52.120 a difficult thing for even her to navigate. She had 0:10:52.200 --> 0:10:55.120 three other children at home, and you know, we were 0:10:55.160 --> 0:10:57.199 all trying to figure out how we were going to 0:10:57.280 --> 0:11:01.480 do this. My grandpa was a huge hell he you know, 0:11:01.520 --> 0:11:04.080 would come with me places as well, and he would 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:06.920 live with me places. He lived with me in La 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:09.480 for a bit. He traveled with me. And then when 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:12.040 my older sister was eighteen. She would travel with me 0:11:12.160 --> 0:11:14.679 and she would live with me, which wasn't much help 0:11:14.720 --> 0:11:16.640 because she was eighteen and I was seventeen, so you 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:18.920 can imagine how fun that was for us to do. 0:11:19.480 --> 0:11:21.199 But you know, my mom always wanted to make sure 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:23.720 I had somebody with me who was just like another 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:25.880 set of eyes making sure I was good and I, 0:11:25.920 --> 0:11:29.000 you know, I I could take care of myself, and 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:31.160 she made sure to teach me how to you know, 0:11:31.720 --> 0:11:34.760 read signs in an airport and this is what this means, 0:11:34.800 --> 0:11:36.080 this is how you get to your gate, and this 0:11:36.160 --> 0:11:38.760 is how you do this, and you know, don't take 0:11:38.800 --> 0:11:41.680 a car ride from a stranger, you know. So she 0:11:41.840 --> 0:11:43.840 was really really good at making sure I was able 0:11:43.920 --> 0:11:47.440 to do all of that. And then my siblings, you know, 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:51.120 I think it was really we just didn't know. You know, 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:53.560 you don't know what you don't know, and I think 0:11:53.840 --> 0:11:55.560 we didn't really know any better than it better. And 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:57.640 it was like, oh, well, this is Taylor's doing this, 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:02.120 so this is what she does now. And they were 0:12:02.679 --> 0:12:04.960 you know, nothing changed I think for them because they 0:12:05.000 --> 0:12:07.120 didn't never see me differently. They were just like, well, 0:12:07.200 --> 0:12:11.319 Taylor goes to work instead of goes to school, so whatever, 0:12:11.760 --> 0:12:14.120 you know. And I think because we were all a 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:16.840 similar age, they did have an understanding of what I 0:12:16.880 --> 0:12:17.200 was doing. 0:12:17.240 --> 0:12:17.400 You know. 0:12:17.440 --> 0:12:19.720 It's not like they were you know, really young and 0:12:19.720 --> 0:12:21.800 didn't get it or much older than me and didn't 0:12:21.840 --> 0:12:23.400 understand why I didn't want to go to school or 0:12:23.440 --> 0:12:25.920 didn't go back to college and stuff. They were kind 0:12:25.960 --> 0:12:29.000 of you know, accepting of it. And my older sister 0:12:29.080 --> 0:12:32.120 now is a photographer and a content creator herself, so 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:35.000 she really got it. You know, she gets it, and 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:37.040 she saw what I wanted to do, and you know 0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:39.240 that I loved what I was doing, so she was 0:12:39.520 --> 0:12:42.839 really helpful and supportive of that. So yeah, it was 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.640 It was definitely interesting. I look back on it and 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:47.520 I'm like, oh, wow, how did we do that? I 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:49.280 don't know, we just kind of did it. You know. 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:53.199 At the time. Was it exciting or was it scary? Well? 0:12:53.200 --> 0:12:55.320 What pots were exciting and what pots were scary? 0:12:55.440 --> 0:13:00.880 I was really excited just because I I wasn't very 0:13:00.920 --> 0:13:04.720 good at school and I didn't love being in school. 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:12.920 I was really distracted, daydreaming, kind of didn't pay attention 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:16.960 very well. I didn't learn things very easily, not very 0:13:16.960 --> 0:13:21.520 good at math, and I remember the first time being 0:13:21.559 --> 0:13:26.160 on a set and feeling so excited because I was like, 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:29.040 oh my god, I can do this instead. And once 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:31.520 I started booking more and more jobs in school became 0:13:31.559 --> 0:13:34.760 more and more difficult to keep up with. You know, 0:13:34.800 --> 0:13:37.200 we looked into so many different options. I did do 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:40.800 homeschooling for a little bit, and ultimately that was still 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:42.960 really difficult based off of how much I was working, 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:44.760 because you know, you have to put in at least 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:48.600 five to six hours a day even online school, you know, 0:13:48.640 --> 0:13:50.520 because you have to commit an hour or so for 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.520 each class. I was in different time zones, getting one 0:13:53.520 --> 0:13:55.839 on one time with my teachers to explain something to me. 0:13:55.880 --> 0:13:59.319 It was very difficult. So, you know, I tried to 0:13:59.360 --> 0:14:02.120 go back to regular high school, but you know, in 0:14:02.160 --> 0:14:07.199 Colorado they don't have these child entertainment laws like they 0:14:07.200 --> 0:14:09.400 do in California. There was no structure for me to 0:14:09.400 --> 0:14:12.240 be able to do both. So ultimately I dropped out 0:14:12.280 --> 0:14:15.240 of high school and I got my GED instead, and 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:19.160 I just I left school totally at fifteen and started 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:23.680 full time modeling at fifteen. And to me, it was 0:14:23.720 --> 0:14:27.160 really exciting because I felt like I all I would 0:14:27.200 --> 0:14:29.240 think about while I was in school, was I can't 0:14:29.240 --> 0:14:33.400 wait to get out of here. Stay in school, you 0:14:33.400 --> 0:14:36.200 know what I mean? Don't do what I do. No, 0:14:36.240 --> 0:14:39.160 I'm just kidding. I do value school. I think education 0:14:39.280 --> 0:14:40.880 is really important, but I do think that it's not 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:45.240 always for everyone, and people learn differently. And I feel 0:14:45.240 --> 0:14:47.640 like I went to sort of a school of life. 0:14:47.680 --> 0:14:49.600 I guess you could say I kind of learned by 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:52.600 doing and by seeing the world. So I have a 0:14:52.640 --> 0:14:57.280 different education than what academia maybe teaches you. So I 0:14:57.320 --> 0:14:59.800 am grateful that I got to experience some school of 0:15:00.480 --> 0:15:03.600 like a normal childhood to an extent until about fifteen. 0:15:03.840 --> 0:15:06.720 But I'm grateful I started, I left, and I was 0:15:06.800 --> 0:15:09.160 done and doing what I was doing. By fifteen, I 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.000 felt like, Okay, this is it, this is what I'm 0:15:11.040 --> 0:15:14.880 supposed to be doing. So I was just ecstatic. I 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.240 was just I was where I was meant to be. 0:15:17.400 --> 0:15:20.280 You know, it's amazing hearing your passion in drive, Like 0:15:20.320 --> 0:15:22.520 after all these years. You said you've been modeling for 0:15:22.520 --> 0:15:24.720 fourteen years, and I can feel like it's still this 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:28.560 energizing feeling. What was that transition like from that to 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:32.480 becoming a Victoria's Secret model, Like what is that journey? Like? 0:15:32.480 --> 0:15:33.720 Like what is that arc? Like? 0:15:33.720 --> 0:15:37.240 Like how hard is it to move from Paris Fashion 0:15:37.280 --> 0:15:39.400 Week and New York Fashion Week and doing runways and 0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:41.880 then going to actually be a Victoria's Secret model. 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:45.920 At the time, it was really interesting because you know, 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:50.760 at that time, Victoria's Secret was the end of all, 0:15:50.800 --> 0:15:53.320 be all, you know what I mean. It was not 0:15:53.360 --> 0:15:55.360 to everyone, but to a lot of models it was, 0:15:56.240 --> 0:15:58.680 oh my gosh, you know the Victoria's Secret Fashion show. 0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:02.160 It gave you more of a mainstream name. I guess 0:16:02.200 --> 0:16:06.480 you were more I guess in the street, the pulse 0:16:06.520 --> 0:16:09.000 of pop culture. I guess if you were a Victoria's 0:16:09.000 --> 0:16:10.680 Secret model. Some of the most famous models in the 0:16:10.680 --> 0:16:13.240 world were victoria Secret models, you know. You know. Giselle 0:16:13.280 --> 0:16:15.760 Bunchin was like one of my favorites and I love 0:16:15.760 --> 0:16:17.160 her and look up to her. She's why I went 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:19.520 to IMG, because I was like, just how much IMG 0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:21.800 at the time she was. I don't think she still is, 0:16:21.840 --> 0:16:24.560 but when I signed with them, she was still with them, 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:26.000 so I was like, I want to be where she is. 0:16:26.040 --> 0:16:28.200 And Carly Klauss is with IMG, and I wanted to 0:16:28.240 --> 0:16:32.680 be where she was, so I I just I feel 0:16:32.680 --> 0:16:36.160 like when I went from doing you know, fashion and 0:16:37.760 --> 0:16:39.720 more commercial brands, like I did shoot a lot of 0:16:39.760 --> 0:16:42.880 for H and M and Forever twenty one and some 0:16:43.080 --> 0:16:45.680 like some of these younger maybe fashion lines that were 0:16:45.680 --> 0:16:49.080 more for you know, teenagers like myself. So I did 0:16:49.080 --> 0:16:52.160 work a lot with brands like that, and then kind 0:16:52.200 --> 0:16:55.240 of when I turned eighteen, I was switching into more 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:58.800 of you know, adult modeling, which is so crazy because 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.440 I was still so young eighteen year old, and I 0:17:01.480 --> 0:17:03.760 tried out for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show just because, 0:17:03.800 --> 0:17:06.000 you know, because why not everybody wants to do it. 0:17:06.160 --> 0:17:08.440 I wanted to try out and I wanted to do this, 0:17:08.560 --> 0:17:11.800 so I went and I auditioned for it, and when 0:17:11.800 --> 0:17:14.200 I booked it, I was shocked because I really didn't 0:17:14.240 --> 0:17:16.320 think that I would get it on the first time 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:19.199 and on the first audition, because so many people go 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:24.679 back multiple multiple times. But probably because I'd had you know, 0:17:24.920 --> 0:17:28.000 a fashion career and had been on runways since I 0:17:28.119 --> 0:17:30.679 was fourteen, I was able to sort of be in 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:32.920 the room and kind of maybe know a little bit 0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:35.439 more about what was happening, Whereas I feel like some 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:39.119 girls start modeling at eighteen sixteen, eighteen, you know, so 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:42.879 they're still new and newer. And I, even though I 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:45.080 was still really young, I had been working for four years. 0:17:45.119 --> 0:17:48.880 So I felt ready for it and I was excited 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:51.800 for it. And when I booked it, I was shocked 0:17:51.880 --> 0:17:54.520 and I was like, I can't believe I'm here right 0:17:54.560 --> 0:17:56.360 now in a way, this is happening. 0:17:56.440 --> 0:17:57.080 Like what? 0:17:57.320 --> 0:18:00.879 So that was really scary? Was it was booking it? 0:18:01.320 --> 0:18:03.439 I was like, oh, oh God, Okay, all right, this 0:18:03.480 --> 0:18:06.520 is happening. But it was an amazing thing for my career, 0:18:06.680 --> 0:18:09.879 and I'm really grateful for it. And I'm grateful, you 0:18:09.880 --> 0:18:12.200 know that I got to do that because I wouldn't 0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:14.720 be sitting here if I hadn't, you know. So I'm 0:18:15.080 --> 0:18:16.960 I'm grateful for it for sure. I keep saying that 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:17.800 I am, you know. 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:18.639 I believe it. 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:21.120 How many steps was that audition process? Like what does 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:23.720 that look like in terms of getting there? 0:18:24.280 --> 0:18:26.200 Well? And what is it like? 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:27.760 Like what do you think? I mean? It was like 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:29.399 ten years ago now, so I have to try and 0:18:29.400 --> 0:18:32.399 remember what I did. But I'm pretty sure what happened 0:18:32.520 --> 0:18:36.000 was I So I knew the casting director who was 0:18:36.000 --> 0:18:39.280 casting for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. He was casting 0:18:39.320 --> 0:18:41.040 some of the other shows that I'd walked in before, 0:18:41.080 --> 0:18:43.240 like Michael Corre's and you know, a couple of the 0:18:43.280 --> 0:18:45.960 other New York shows as well as shows in Milan 0:18:46.000 --> 0:18:49.080 in Paris, so I was familiar with him. And for 0:18:49.160 --> 0:18:51.800 the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, you go to a pre 0:18:51.840 --> 0:18:54.639 casting with him and his casting team, and you know, 0:18:54.720 --> 0:18:57.919 you do the walk, they record you, they film me, 0:18:58.040 --> 0:18:59.840 They ask you questions, where are you from, how old 0:18:59.880 --> 0:19:03.240 are you, what agency are you with, So it's just 0:19:03.320 --> 0:19:05.919 a little bit of your personality or the way you 0:19:05.960 --> 0:19:09.520 talk on video, and then they take your picture and 0:19:09.560 --> 0:19:12.080 then I guess they probably take it back to the 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:17.240 Victoria's Secret internal casting team that also does showcasting. Because 0:19:17.280 --> 0:19:19.720 when you get into the main room at the Victoria's 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:24.000 Secret headquarters, there's five or six people at a table 0:19:24.160 --> 0:19:26.280 in front of you, and then five or six people 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:29.560 behind them sitting in chairs, and they all have notepads, 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:32.080 and you know, there's a big camera and they're filming you, 0:19:32.320 --> 0:19:35.200 and you know, you do the whole like walk thing, 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:37.959 and they asked you to do it again. You do that. 0:19:38.040 --> 0:19:42.000 So I did a pre casting with the casting director directly, 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:44.560 and then I went back in for a callback, which 0:19:44.720 --> 0:19:47.879 was the main casting. So they had probably seen my 0:19:48.160 --> 0:19:50.960 tape and seen my pre casting video and thought, okay, 0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:53.400 let's request her for our main casting. So I went 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:57.320 into that, and then you know, sometimes there's another one 0:19:57.320 --> 0:20:00.159 and there's another callback, and you know, another casting you 0:20:00.160 --> 0:20:03.560 have to do. But I was working in LA, So 0:20:03.800 --> 0:20:06.200 I went to my casting and got on a flight 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:08.679 and landed in LA and got a call that I 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:12.080 booked the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. So that's what I did. 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:13.480 That's how it happened to me. 0:20:13.600 --> 0:20:14.199 Useful to know. 0:20:14.400 --> 0:20:17.159 I feel like it's like we need a picture in right, like, 0:20:17.280 --> 0:20:19.199 because if you've never done it, you just don't know 0:20:19.200 --> 0:20:21.639 what the process looks like. And you mentioned something that 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:24.040 I've heard a lot of models talk about how they 0:20:24.040 --> 0:20:26.440 went from like teen modeling to adult modeling and also 0:20:26.440 --> 0:20:29.520 when you're still a teen, and like, how was that 0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:31.800 process for you, because I've heard other people describe it 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:35.280 as like it was uncomfortable where certain poses or certain 0:20:35.320 --> 0:20:37.480 clothes or whatever. It was like I've never worn something 0:20:37.520 --> 0:20:40.000 like this, or did you feel that or was it 0:20:40.040 --> 0:20:40.760 not like that for you? 0:20:40.880 --> 0:20:42.560 Was it just kind of like you enjoyed it was fun? 0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:46.040 No, I didn't I didn't feel like that because I 0:20:46.040 --> 0:20:47.399 I was just happy to be there. I was like, 0:20:47.440 --> 0:20:49.720 I'm just happy to be here. Also, I love it, 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:52.720 like I love I loved playing dress up when I 0:20:52.800 --> 0:20:54.280 was a kid, and I'd do it for a living, 0:20:54.560 --> 0:20:56.359 So like, how can I not be just having the 0:20:56.400 --> 0:20:59.160 best time ever, you know, trying on all these clothes, 0:20:59.240 --> 0:21:01.960 doing all these things. Also I did dance. Wasn't very 0:21:01.960 --> 0:21:04.160 good at it, but I loved it, and I loved dancing, 0:21:04.240 --> 0:21:07.879 and I loved gymnastics and I love moving. And you know, 0:21:07.960 --> 0:21:09.320 if you're on the right set and you have the 0:21:09.400 --> 0:21:11.399 right team around you, and you know a lot of 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:15.960 the Victoria's Secret team from that time, I've known them 0:21:15.960 --> 0:21:18.240 for a really long time, and I have worked with 0:21:18.280 --> 0:21:20.719 a lot of the photographers in the past, and you know, 0:21:20.920 --> 0:21:24.040 it felt like a safe space. And my memory and 0:21:24.080 --> 0:21:26.760 my interpretation of that environment was that I was safe. 0:21:26.840 --> 0:21:29.720 So I felt comfortable and I was just like, this 0:21:29.800 --> 0:21:32.800 is what we're doing now, and I had the best 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:38.120 time doing it. So for me, I never felt afraid 0:21:38.119 --> 0:21:40.960 to do anything. So I just was so excited, I guess, 0:21:41.200 --> 0:21:43.280 or maybe I was just young. I was like, WHOA, 0:21:43.440 --> 0:21:45.040 I don't know, maybe A bit of both, you know. 0:21:45.280 --> 0:21:48.719 So I don't know, I never felt I never I 0:21:48.760 --> 0:21:51.919 know some people do feel that, and that's something I 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:55.159 have felt like that for sure, definitely, but maybe not 0:21:55.240 --> 0:21:57.320 in those instances and maybe not at that time, just 0:21:57.359 --> 0:22:01.399 because a combination of you know, excitement and you know, youth, 0:22:01.680 --> 0:22:05.000 never having that experience before, being excited to be there, 0:22:05.119 --> 0:22:07.320 so it kind of wiped away the fear a little bit. 0:22:07.680 --> 0:22:09.760 And maybe I was a little delusional and kind of 0:22:09.840 --> 0:22:12.400 was like, whoa, this is so cool. You know, it's 0:22:12.440 --> 0:22:15.760 like rose colored glasses a little bit. But I've been 0:22:15.760 --> 0:22:20.040 in some scenarios where I'm like, yeah, maybe not, so, you. 0:22:20.040 --> 0:22:22.879 Know, yeah, no, I think. I mean I love hearing that. 0:22:22.920 --> 0:22:24.760 I think for me, I mean I moved to La 0:22:24.920 --> 0:22:28.240 much later in life, but even for me, like as 0:22:28.240 --> 0:22:30.800 soon as I came to the United States, to me, 0:22:30.880 --> 0:22:33.320 being in the US is like living in a movie 0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:36.240 because we grew up watching American television in London, yep. 0:22:36.480 --> 0:22:38.920 And so when I first landed in New York, I 0:22:39.080 --> 0:22:42.200 visited maybe once or twice in my teens with family, 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:44.760 but I remember moving in like even when I saw 0:22:44.840 --> 0:22:47.480 like a yellow school bus or I saw like a 0:22:47.520 --> 0:22:49.760 cop car or NYPD or whatever. Like to me, it's 0:22:49.800 --> 0:22:51.800 like I've only ever seen that in a TV show 0:22:51.840 --> 0:22:54.280 or a movie, and so it's really fascinating. And then 0:22:54.280 --> 0:22:56.040 you see the Empire state. And then when I moved 0:22:56.040 --> 0:22:58.040 to LA it was the same thing. It was Wait 0:22:58.040 --> 0:23:00.000 a minute. Even now, when I'm driving down the street 0:23:00.040 --> 0:23:01.920 and there's palm trees on either side, I'm like, I'm 0:23:01.920 --> 0:23:05.359 on vacation, because yeah, in my head, like that's such 0:23:05.359 --> 0:23:08.760 a it's such an alien experience having grown up in 0:23:08.800 --> 0:23:12.400 London that you know, living in LA So I kind 0:23:12.440 --> 0:23:16.679 of have some of that youthful enthusiasm around some of 0:23:16.680 --> 0:23:18.800 these things too, because it reminds me of a time 0:23:19.040 --> 0:23:21.639 when I used to watch TV religiously and what I 0:23:21.640 --> 0:23:24.320 grew up on. So I can resonate with that feeling. 0:23:24.680 --> 0:23:26.600 Whereas someone will always be like, oh do anything La 0:23:26.680 --> 0:23:28.119 is like this or New York's like this. I'm like, 0:23:28.440 --> 0:23:29.919 to me, it just reminds me of what I saw. 0:23:29.760 --> 0:23:31.520 In the movies, like, Wow, I can't live I get 0:23:31.520 --> 0:23:31.960 to be here. 0:23:32.040 --> 0:23:32.639 Yeah, exactly. 0:23:32.720 --> 0:23:35.240 I can't believe. I never imagined a million years that 0:23:35.560 --> 0:23:37.600 my life would look this way, yea. And so I'm 0:23:37.640 --> 0:23:41.359 just taking it all in as opposed to seeing gaps 0:23:41.400 --> 0:23:42.480 and holds in it or whatever. 0:23:42.280 --> 0:23:42.719 Else you may. 0:23:42.840 --> 0:23:45.520 Yeah, there's days where I see gaps and holes, but 0:23:45.560 --> 0:23:51.119 my overarching goal and perspective is to be I'm in awe, 0:23:51.359 --> 0:23:53.080 you know, and I am still in awe, and I 0:23:53.080 --> 0:23:54.879 can't believe I'm even sitting here right now. I'm like, 0:23:54.920 --> 0:23:58.960 this is crazy. So you know, it's just I definitely 0:23:59.160 --> 0:24:02.960 that's just. I think my natural sort of energy and 0:24:03.000 --> 0:24:07.000 where I sit with things is just wow, I'm here, WHOA? 0:24:07.040 --> 0:24:10.160 How do I get here? And you know, like all 0:24:10.240 --> 0:24:13.080 humans do, every day is different. So there's definitely times 0:24:13.119 --> 0:24:16.000 where I'm just like, oh, whoa this is? You know, 0:24:16.040 --> 0:24:17.879 I don't like this. I don't like this feeling or 0:24:17.920 --> 0:24:20.720 what's happening here and what's going on there. So there's 0:24:20.760 --> 0:24:23.880 definitely both, Like I don't want, you know, the perception 0:24:23.960 --> 0:24:26.400 of me to feel like she just whatever, she has 0:24:26.440 --> 0:24:28.960 no idea what's going on, She's in a bubble, and 0:24:29.040 --> 0:24:32.480 I'm just no. I just feel. I just feel grateful, 0:24:32.640 --> 0:24:34.639 And I think the most important emotion for me to 0:24:34.640 --> 0:24:39.000 feel daily is gratitude. So just I try to remind 0:24:39.040 --> 0:24:41.640 myself where I'm at and where I came from and 0:24:41.960 --> 0:24:45.400 just be grateful to be here. So that's my genuine 0:24:45.440 --> 0:24:46.480 consensus on things. 0:24:48.400 --> 0:24:51.119 Hey everyone, it's Jay here. 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Yeah. 0:25:29.520 --> 0:25:31.400 You obviously have a hard work ethic and a drive, 0:25:31.560 --> 0:25:34.440 which is what you're talked about with sports and that discipline. 0:25:34.480 --> 0:25:38.200 Walk us through the discipline of being a Victoria Secret model. 0:25:38.280 --> 0:25:40.720 Like to die at the workout, the plan the day, 0:25:40.880 --> 0:25:41.520 like the hour? 0:25:41.560 --> 0:25:42.399 What does that look like? 0:25:42.440 --> 0:25:45.680 Because I think often again that's another thing you don't 0:25:45.720 --> 0:25:47.560 ever see. Yeah, so you don't really know. 0:25:48.000 --> 0:25:51.359 Yeah, It's so when I first started doing Victoria's Secret, 0:25:51.440 --> 0:25:53.800 I was very young, and I was very lucky because 0:25:53.800 --> 0:25:55.480 I didn't have to work out that hard and I 0:25:55.840 --> 0:25:58.080 you know, didn't have to die it because I was 0:25:58.280 --> 0:26:01.199 eighteen and you know, six feet tall, So you know, 0:26:01.320 --> 0:26:05.479 you can imagine how lucky I was in terms of 0:26:05.800 --> 0:26:08.560 that sort of stuff. But then obviously as I was 0:26:08.600 --> 0:26:11.440 starting to grow up and mature as a woman in 0:26:11.520 --> 0:26:14.520 that arena, I did have to start working out. You know, 0:26:14.600 --> 0:26:16.119 there was an air there was a time where I 0:26:16.160 --> 0:26:18.159 was like, Okay, well, if I want to be in 0:26:18.560 --> 0:26:20.920 the best shape of my life for this one really 0:26:20.920 --> 0:26:23.000 important day, then I'm going to take it. I'm going 0:26:23.040 --> 0:26:26.120 to step it up a notch. So there was some preparation. 0:26:26.320 --> 0:26:29.560 Probably when I was like twenty one to twenty two, 0:26:30.240 --> 0:26:32.760 I started you know, amping it up in terms of 0:26:32.800 --> 0:26:35.800 like the exercise and diet and stuff like that when 0:26:36.000 --> 0:26:39.080 we were training for the show. But you know, there 0:26:39.160 --> 0:26:41.800 was such a Sometimes there's such a negative connotation in 0:26:41.880 --> 0:26:45.560 terms of talking about those things because I think a 0:26:45.560 --> 0:26:49.479 lot of people have maybe an unhealthy perspective of it 0:26:49.520 --> 0:26:53.280 because Victoria's Secret wasn't inclusive and it wasn't a welcome 0:26:53.359 --> 0:26:56.359 space for everybody. You know, it was welcome for you know, 0:26:56.440 --> 0:26:59.800 women who were six feet tall and naturally slim, and 0:27:00.440 --> 0:27:02.680 you know, and then they were really fit on top 0:27:02.720 --> 0:27:05.679 of that. So if you're an outsider looking in, it 0:27:05.720 --> 0:27:08.840 looks like a really well not everybody looks like that. 0:27:09.000 --> 0:27:13.520 And I don't see myself there, yeah, fair enough. Sometimes 0:27:13.560 --> 0:27:15.679 even I didn't see myself there, you know, So I 0:27:15.720 --> 0:27:18.960 had to train hard to get there. But you know, 0:27:19.040 --> 0:27:22.359 I always tried to be as healthy as I could 0:27:22.359 --> 0:27:25.240 with it, and you know, keep a positive outlook on 0:27:25.280 --> 0:27:27.520 it for me personally in my journey. And like how 0:27:27.560 --> 0:27:30.240 I went about training for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, 0:27:30.560 --> 0:27:34.600 I sort of looked at it like maybe an athlete would. 0:27:35.320 --> 0:27:38.200 I'm not an athlete obviously, but you know, the level 0:27:38.200 --> 0:27:40.280 of training that I would do and the diets I 0:27:40.280 --> 0:27:43.280 would be on. If a footballer came in and you know, 0:27:43.440 --> 0:27:46.400 started talking about his diet, people would accept it, I think, 0:27:46.440 --> 0:27:50.639 because he is an athlete. But you know, if I 0:27:50.720 --> 0:27:52.959 come in and say how I was working out and 0:27:52.960 --> 0:27:55.600 what I was eating, because I'm a six foot tall, 0:27:55.800 --> 0:27:58.600 naturally slim woman, I think it could be you know, 0:27:58.720 --> 0:28:01.080 taken negatively and miscan strewed. But I just want to 0:28:01.359 --> 0:28:03.639 assure people that you know, I did do it healthy, 0:28:03.800 --> 0:28:05.560 like I was very healthy when I was doing it. 0:28:05.920 --> 0:28:08.480 This is my natural physique. I know that everybody doesn't 0:28:08.520 --> 0:28:10.600 look like this, and not everybody can relate to that. 0:28:10.680 --> 0:28:13.480 And that's I hear you, and I see you, and 0:28:13.520 --> 0:28:16.199 I hope you. You know, don't take anything that I 0:28:16.240 --> 0:28:19.280 say and misinterpret it and say like to look like her, 0:28:19.400 --> 0:28:22.560 I have to do this. No, don't do that. You know, 0:28:22.880 --> 0:28:24.760 do what you need to do and for you and 0:28:24.840 --> 0:28:27.480 your body. And when I was training for that, I 0:28:27.840 --> 0:28:30.520 did what I needed to do for my body. So 0:28:31.480 --> 0:28:34.280 I can get into that. I did a lot of 0:28:34.359 --> 0:28:37.000 like hit cardio training. So I had a personal trainer 0:28:37.040 --> 0:28:41.840 who's amazing, Christina. She's near and dear to my heart. 0:28:41.920 --> 0:28:45.880 She's so intelligent. She has, you know, a nutrition background 0:28:45.960 --> 0:28:47.880 as well, so she was making sure that I was 0:28:47.920 --> 0:28:50.160 eating the amount of food I should be eating for 0:28:50.200 --> 0:28:53.600 the exercise that I was doing. And so we sort 0:28:53.600 --> 0:28:56.080 of did like a mix of things. It was weightlifting. 0:28:56.200 --> 0:28:59.440 I love weightlifting. It's really fun. I also I'm a 0:28:59.480 --> 0:29:02.400 crazy person, like I love exercise. I love fitness. I 0:29:02.480 --> 0:29:05.200 like working out it's it's really it's good for my 0:29:05.280 --> 0:29:07.920 mental health. When I work out. I work out because 0:29:08.320 --> 0:29:10.160 I want to do it for my mind, not for 0:29:10.240 --> 0:29:14.320 how my body looks. So but for the Victoria's Secret 0:29:14.320 --> 0:29:16.200 Fashion job, obviously, I was training for a reason, so 0:29:16.240 --> 0:29:19.080 I did care about you know, muscle definition and all 0:29:19.120 --> 0:29:23.680 that fun stuff. So we did like you know, weight training, weightlifting. 0:29:24.640 --> 0:29:26.560 You know, it would be like interval like we would 0:29:26.720 --> 0:29:28.680 you know, sprint on a treadmill and then hold a 0:29:28.720 --> 0:29:31.520 plank kind of stuff like that. And I really liked 0:29:31.560 --> 0:29:34.320 that type of workout because it was it was you know, 0:29:34.680 --> 0:29:37.160 high energy and going from one thing to the next thing, 0:29:37.200 --> 0:29:39.760 and it was challenging, and it kind of sort of 0:29:39.760 --> 0:29:43.120 reminded me of maybe my gymnastics background and the sports 0:29:43.160 --> 0:29:45.160 I'd done before, where they're a little bit more dynamic 0:29:45.200 --> 0:29:48.200 and you're moving around a lot. And then you know, 0:29:48.280 --> 0:29:52.320 for diet, I would eat pretty healthy just I would 0:29:52.360 --> 0:29:54.360 eat like I would make sure I was gluten free though, 0:29:54.400 --> 0:29:57.440 just because I think sometimes gluten can respond in your 0:29:57.440 --> 0:29:59.680 body in a negative way. So something I know some 0:29:59.720 --> 0:30:02.520 people our gluten free around the VS Show. Be gluten 0:30:02.560 --> 0:30:06.160 free for about a month, no alcohol for about a month, 0:30:06.200 --> 0:30:08.479 and a half or so leading up to the show day, 0:30:08.640 --> 0:30:11.800 just because alcohol is never going to help you if 0:30:11.840 --> 0:30:14.680 you're trying to, like, you know, gain muscle weight. So 0:30:15.120 --> 0:30:18.520 that was my sort of goal, was muscle, not never 0:30:18.640 --> 0:30:21.840 managing or washing my weight. It was more just about, 0:30:22.160 --> 0:30:24.880 you know, making sure I was eating lean proteins. I 0:30:24.920 --> 0:30:27.440 had like protein shakes. In the morning. I would have 0:30:27.560 --> 0:30:31.360 a gluten free bagel. I would have eggs, vegetables. I 0:30:31.680 --> 0:30:36.160 ate chicken, breast, ate sweet potato, I ate sushi, rice fish, 0:30:36.320 --> 0:30:38.280 I ate all kinds of things like that, and making 0:30:38.360 --> 0:30:41.360 sure that it was enough based off of what the 0:30:41.440 --> 0:30:44.320 kind of exercise I was doing. So the trainer that 0:30:44.360 --> 0:30:47.360 would work with me on my fitness routine, she also 0:30:47.400 --> 0:30:49.920 worked with me on the food I was consuming. Hey, 0:30:50.000 --> 0:30:52.360 need to make sure you're consuming before you see me. 0:30:52.560 --> 0:30:54.600 You need to eat this amount and then we come 0:30:54.680 --> 0:30:55.800 and we're going to work out and we're going to 0:30:55.880 --> 0:30:57.479 do this, and then you go home and you have 0:30:57.520 --> 0:31:00.000 this protein shake, so we know you're getting the right 0:31:00.120 --> 0:31:04.280 nutrients that you need to fuel your body. So yeah, hopefully. 0:31:04.320 --> 0:31:06.680 Very Yeah, that was very in depth. Yeah, I know, 0:31:06.720 --> 0:31:10.520 And I asked Taylor, I genuinely asked because I do 0:31:10.560 --> 0:31:13.800 think it's an interesting thing around the discipline, and that's 0:31:13.800 --> 0:31:15.600 why I asked him from that perspective, because to me, 0:31:16.040 --> 0:31:18.800 the discipline, the work ethic, the you know, the focus, 0:31:18.880 --> 0:31:20.959 and I'm so happy that it was a healthy journey 0:31:21.200 --> 0:31:22.920 for you. And I think we're taking into account the 0:31:22.960 --> 0:31:25.520 fact that it may not be a healthy journey for everyone, 0:31:25.560 --> 0:31:28.960 and we recognized that that it can cause challenges for others. 0:31:29.040 --> 0:31:31.120 Yeah, I mean I know that time too. It was 0:31:31.120 --> 0:31:34.000 difficult for so many for women watching, and I know 0:31:34.240 --> 0:31:36.800 like the expectation that was put on women to look 0:31:36.840 --> 0:31:39.600 a certain way to I never want to feel like 0:31:40.040 --> 0:31:41.960 maybe I was a part of it and perpetuating that 0:31:42.040 --> 0:31:45.280 just because of the way it was being presented, maybe 0:31:45.400 --> 0:31:47.800 that I was just like I was just happy to 0:31:47.880 --> 0:31:49.520 be here again. I was just like, well, I'm so 0:31:49.560 --> 0:31:52.000 excited to get to be here. But I know what 0:31:52.120 --> 0:31:56.120 it meant to society. I know what people perceived it 0:31:56.160 --> 0:31:58.600 as for sure. So I do take that into account 0:31:58.600 --> 0:32:01.280 and I know that's it's a lot, and I hope 0:32:01.280 --> 0:32:04.440 people can maybe listen to me in my perspective and know, 0:32:04.520 --> 0:32:06.520 like I was trying to be I was really healthy 0:32:06.520 --> 0:32:07.760 in the way that I was trying to do this 0:32:07.840 --> 0:32:10.040 and go about this, and I never want to like 0:32:10.080 --> 0:32:13.600 perpetuate that somebody should do something or you know, work 0:32:13.640 --> 0:32:16.440 out a certain way to look like a Victoria's Secret model, 0:32:16.440 --> 0:32:19.400 because you know that's not fair and not everybody looks 0:32:19.440 --> 0:32:21.800 like used to look like that. That's not what's beautiful. 0:32:21.960 --> 0:32:25.520 You know, Beauty is so much more than what people 0:32:25.560 --> 0:32:27.720 were trying to make us believe it was at that time. 0:32:27.920 --> 0:32:30.160 So I just wanted to put that. 0:32:30.400 --> 0:32:32.640 I'm glad you careful as you think you made a 0:32:32.640 --> 0:32:35.200 really interesting point, though. I think what's interesting. For example, 0:32:35.280 --> 0:32:36.960 like I love watching basketball. 0:32:37.600 --> 0:32:38.720 I am I have. 0:32:38.880 --> 0:32:42.680 Nowhere near the physique of any basketball player on the planet. 0:32:42.880 --> 0:32:45.720 There's no one in my size who plays basketball in 0:32:45.840 --> 0:32:49.000 high physique, whatever else it may be. And if you 0:32:49.040 --> 0:32:51.240 saw I don't play basketball, but if I was to 0:32:51.320 --> 0:32:54.040 try and play basketball when I was younger, I was 0:32:54.080 --> 0:32:56.360 great at three pointer because I didn't need to be 0:32:56.480 --> 0:33:00.400 anyone or whatever. But it's I would never be expected 0:33:00.440 --> 0:33:00.880 to do what. 0:33:00.800 --> 0:33:01.760 Someone does on the court. 0:33:02.040 --> 0:33:05.320 It's really interesting how the industry is then projected onto 0:33:05.400 --> 0:33:07.800 people thinking they have to be that, whereas I can 0:33:07.840 --> 0:33:10.200 watch basketball knowing I never have to be that. And 0:33:10.280 --> 0:33:12.280 I think that's the part which is so interesting that 0:33:12.600 --> 0:33:16.120 it's almost like a interesting pressure that if it becomes 0:33:16.120 --> 0:33:20.160 about beauty, it sets an unfair standard. But if it's 0:33:20.160 --> 0:33:22.240 about sports, like you just said, in one sense, you 0:33:22.240 --> 0:33:24.840 were training yourself like an athlete. Yeah, but we know 0:33:24.880 --> 0:33:26.640 we I know I can't be Tom Brady or I 0:33:26.680 --> 0:33:29.200 know I can't be Lebron James neither. 0:33:29.440 --> 0:33:32.640 Yeah yeah, and I'm okay, you can't be Adriana Lima. 0:33:32.760 --> 0:33:36.600 And because that woman was amazing and Giselle, I mean, 0:33:36.640 --> 0:33:39.720 they they trained so much harder than even me. I 0:33:40.200 --> 0:33:43.600 did my best, but you know, I did what I 0:33:43.720 --> 0:33:46.200 knew I was comfortable and able and capable of doing. 0:33:46.200 --> 0:33:48.520 But they are them, and they're their own person and 0:33:48.560 --> 0:33:51.560 they trained in their own way, and I did it 0:33:51.640 --> 0:33:52.280 my way too. 0:33:52.360 --> 0:33:56.560 So yeah, no, no, no, And I hope anyone who's listening, 0:33:56.600 --> 0:33:58.240 like the reason why I wanted to open up that 0:33:58.280 --> 0:34:01.440 conversation is because it's interesting to hear from someone who 0:34:01.480 --> 0:34:03.760 just loves what they do, it's excited about it. And 0:34:03.800 --> 0:34:07.920 then naturally there's this bigger thing going on in society 0:34:07.960 --> 0:34:11.040 and culture and industry, and it's like you might just 0:34:11.080 --> 0:34:12.839 be doing your thing and not know at a time 0:34:12.920 --> 0:34:14.719 when you know, you don't realize it. How did you 0:34:14.719 --> 0:34:16.520 feel about when it stopped? And now, of course we 0:34:16.560 --> 0:34:18.560 know it's coming back. Yeah, the plan iss to be 0:34:18.560 --> 0:34:19.160 more inclusive. 0:34:19.239 --> 0:34:21.920 I'm really glad that it's coming back in a different 0:34:21.960 --> 0:34:24.520 way and from a different lens and a different perspective, 0:34:24.640 --> 0:34:28.080 because I think, you know, I'm I'm so happy I 0:34:28.120 --> 0:34:30.200 still work with Victoria's Secret and I'm you know, I've 0:34:30.239 --> 0:34:33.319 been a part of the brand for ten years and 0:34:33.719 --> 0:34:35.800 I've seen the shift that they've made and the changes 0:34:35.840 --> 0:34:37.919 that they're trying to make, and it's to me, it's 0:34:40.120 --> 0:34:41.959 a little relaxing, you know, a bit of a breath 0:34:41.960 --> 0:34:43.600 of fresh air, because now I am at a different 0:34:43.600 --> 0:34:45.719 phase in my life where, you know, maybe I don't 0:34:45.760 --> 0:34:47.759 want to work out like that anymore, you know what 0:34:47.840 --> 0:34:50.480 I mean. When I was younger, and you know, it 0:34:50.560 --> 0:34:53.880 was exciting to do so then sure I could, definitely, 0:34:54.680 --> 0:34:58.040 I was, let's do this, But you know, ten years 0:34:58.080 --> 0:35:01.960 later and also I haven't don that show, and how 0:35:01.960 --> 0:35:03.680 many years now, how long has it been since the 0:35:03.719 --> 0:35:07.120 last one, you know, so five years maybe, maybe four, 0:35:07.560 --> 0:35:12.600 maybe more, I don't know, you know, I feel when 0:35:12.640 --> 0:35:15.560 it comes back I am excited that it's going to 0:35:15.600 --> 0:35:19.920 be so so different, but also I hope that we 0:35:19.960 --> 0:35:23.520 can still maintain some of the fund some of the 0:35:23.560 --> 0:35:26.960 glamor some of the beauty, because I think reclaiming it 0:35:26.960 --> 0:35:30.120 for ourselves as women is really important, because you know, 0:35:30.160 --> 0:35:31.920 if you want to feel sexy and you want to 0:35:32.080 --> 0:35:34.200 be sexy, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, 0:35:34.320 --> 0:35:37.160 but you want to do it for yourself, not for 0:35:37.760 --> 0:35:41.319 not for the objectification of what men want, you know, so, 0:35:41.719 --> 0:35:43.800 and I think that's the difference now, and I think, 0:35:44.080 --> 0:35:47.080 you know that's definitely the goal with the Victoria's Secret 0:35:47.080 --> 0:35:51.080 Fashion Show coming back is to make sure that women 0:35:51.120 --> 0:35:53.560 are doing it. You know, we're comfortable. They asked me, 0:35:53.640 --> 0:35:56.000 you know what wings would you want to wear? And 0:35:56.080 --> 0:35:58.480 are you excited about doing this? And you know, what 0:35:58.520 --> 0:36:00.240 do you want to see when the show comes back? 0:36:00.400 --> 0:36:03.000 And I really appreciate that, you know, I value that 0:36:03.040 --> 0:36:06.000 they're asking how I feel and you know what I 0:36:06.000 --> 0:36:07.920 would like to see as a woman doing it, as 0:36:07.920 --> 0:36:10.319 a woman who's done it before, and you know, we'll 0:36:10.320 --> 0:36:14.200 probably do it again. So I'm just I'm excited that 0:36:14.360 --> 0:36:17.239 it's going to be very different, and I hope that 0:36:17.680 --> 0:36:19.560 it can be perceived in a way that's you know, 0:36:19.719 --> 0:36:23.560 not setting an unrealistic beauty standard, because that's what it 0:36:23.640 --> 0:36:26.800 one hundred percent what it was. And you know, maybe 0:36:26.880 --> 0:36:30.719 I was maybe some of that like expectation was put 0:36:30.760 --> 0:36:32.520 on me, but I didn't realize it at the time 0:36:32.560 --> 0:36:34.319 because I was so young, you know, I didn't. You 0:36:34.360 --> 0:36:36.759 don't again, you don't know what you don't know. And 0:36:37.040 --> 0:36:39.719 now that I'm twenty eight, you know, ten years later 0:36:39.719 --> 0:36:42.440 from my first show, if I look back on my 0:36:42.480 --> 0:36:44.520 first show, it's kind of like, I'm sure so many 0:36:44.560 --> 0:36:47.440 women who were at that show felt such an intense 0:36:47.480 --> 0:36:50.040 pressure to look a certain way and work out a 0:36:50.080 --> 0:36:52.839 certain way, and that's probably why some people had an 0:36:52.920 --> 0:36:56.520 unhealthy relationship with it. And maybe just the timing of 0:36:56.520 --> 0:36:59.360 my age and where I was at and where my 0:36:59.440 --> 0:37:02.200 headspace was that I got really lucky that I didn't 0:37:02.400 --> 0:37:04.560 feel any of those things. But that doesn't mean it 0:37:04.560 --> 0:37:07.239 still wasn't happening for other people, and that doesn't mean 0:37:07.239 --> 0:37:10.000 that it didn't make society or other women watching it 0:37:10.040 --> 0:37:12.440 feel that way. So like, you know, I just I 0:37:12.480 --> 0:37:15.400 hope that, well, yeah, there's definitely both. They could both 0:37:15.560 --> 0:37:18.400 sit with sit with me, so everyone. 0:37:18.120 --> 0:37:20.759 Who's listening to watching. I can definitely, I definitely hear 0:37:20.800 --> 0:37:22.840 what you're saying, and I can see how much of it. 0:37:22.840 --> 0:37:26.879 It's such a complicated it's sosplex layered topic. When it's 0:37:26.960 --> 0:37:28.840 personal but collective. 0:37:28.520 --> 0:37:32.600 It's hard to kind of verbalize and talk about something 0:37:32.640 --> 0:37:35.359 because it is very complex. So how do I put 0:37:35.360 --> 0:37:39.160 that into words? But I do see both, and they 0:37:39.320 --> 0:37:41.600 it's weird two things can be true at the same time, 0:37:41.640 --> 0:37:43.640 you know what I mean. Sometimes emotions are parallel and 0:37:43.680 --> 0:37:46.480 they're really just happening. On's happening here and once it's 0:37:46.480 --> 0:37:48.279 also happening and you're going on the same path and 0:37:48.280 --> 0:37:50.319 you're going to the same place, and you're feeling two 0:37:50.440 --> 0:37:54.000 different things at the exact same time. So I look 0:37:54.040 --> 0:37:56.040 back on it and I have new emotions that sit 0:37:56.080 --> 0:37:58.799 alongside the old ones and the joy and like the 0:37:58.840 --> 0:38:01.440 wow that I felt there, And I can see how 0:38:01.440 --> 0:38:03.440 everything happened, and I can see the heaviness, and I 0:38:03.440 --> 0:38:07.360 can understand, like I see where maybe by me talking 0:38:07.360 --> 0:38:11.040 so positively about it makes other people feel a negative 0:38:11.080 --> 0:38:13.720 way Like I I would never want to make somebody 0:38:13.719 --> 0:38:16.440 feel like that, So I have to acknowledge that and 0:38:16.480 --> 0:38:19.680 be like Okay, I know I see now like we've 0:38:19.920 --> 0:38:22.560 we were like we were the early two thousands, we 0:38:22.560 --> 0:38:24.520 were in this bubble of this thing and it popped, 0:38:24.560 --> 0:38:27.120 and now we can see clearly and I see it, 0:38:27.160 --> 0:38:28.839 so I get it. But you know, also, if I'm 0:38:28.840 --> 0:38:30.640 going to talk about my personal experience while I was 0:38:30.680 --> 0:38:32.600 in it, it was I did have a great time, 0:38:32.719 --> 0:38:35.239 and I I personally went about it and what I 0:38:35.280 --> 0:38:37.759 feel like was as healthy as I could possibly be. Like, 0:38:38.000 --> 0:38:40.000 trust me, I was eating, I was working out, I 0:38:40.040 --> 0:38:42.200 was doing I was doing all the things like I 0:38:42.200 --> 0:38:44.600 should be doing to make sure that I'm not, you know, 0:38:45.560 --> 0:38:49.319 being unhealthy and having like a negative thing that was 0:38:49.320 --> 0:38:50.920 happening in my mind and my body. 0:38:51.000 --> 0:38:53.520 So well, I really appreciate that kind of the way 0:38:53.560 --> 0:38:56.720 you've presented that because I think there's so much truth 0:38:56.760 --> 0:39:00.600 to it, and I think if anything helped just become 0:39:00.600 --> 0:39:04.040 more aware of Hey, let's try and be aware of bubbles. 0:39:04.640 --> 0:39:07.400 But by the nature of a bubble, you're not aware 0:39:07.400 --> 0:39:10.200 of it until it pops, And so when it pops, 0:39:10.200 --> 0:39:11.759 then we all become aware of it. And then all 0:39:11.800 --> 0:39:14.320 of a sudden, so it's almost like we've got to give, 0:39:15.480 --> 0:39:17.839 We've got to give ourselves grace. We've got to give 0:39:17.880 --> 0:39:20.320 others grace. We've got to give everyone time and space 0:39:20.400 --> 0:39:24.040 to kind of understand and grow and rise together. Because 0:39:24.520 --> 0:39:27.439 and this doesn't just apply to the beauty industry or 0:39:27.480 --> 0:39:30.720 the modeling industry. This applies to so many industries across 0:39:30.760 --> 0:39:33.040 the world where I think there's a need for collective 0:39:33.160 --> 0:39:35.960 grace on both sides and then and then rising together. 0:39:36.040 --> 0:39:38.040 And I love and I completely agree with you. I 0:39:38.080 --> 0:39:41.640 think you're allowed to have your own experience. I almost 0:39:41.680 --> 0:39:44.279 think about it sometimes to do with entrepreneurship too, Like 0:39:44.640 --> 0:39:46.799 a lot of people will be like, entrepreneurship is really tough, 0:39:46.840 --> 0:39:49.680 it's really hard work, and there's the hustle culture of 0:39:49.960 --> 0:39:51.880 you have to work eighteen hours a day and you 0:39:52.000 --> 0:39:53.520 have to do this, and you have to do that. 0:39:54.120 --> 0:39:56.560 And I always say to people like, if I'm completely honest, 0:39:56.600 --> 0:39:58.200 for the first two years of my career, three years 0:39:58.239 --> 0:40:00.000 of my career, I did work eighteen hours a day, 0:40:00.200 --> 0:40:02.280 and I'm really happy I did. Like it was amazing 0:40:02.360 --> 0:40:04.920 and I'm really grateful, And yes, some parts of it 0:40:04.960 --> 0:40:07.879 were unhealthy, but it allowed me to get to where 0:40:07.920 --> 0:40:10.120 I wanted to get to in order to put things 0:40:10.120 --> 0:40:13.080 in place to be more healthy. And that's my personal 0:40:13.120 --> 0:40:16.920 experience in it, and that's not right or wrong or 0:40:17.440 --> 0:40:19.440 the best way or the worst way. It's just how 0:40:19.480 --> 0:40:22.120 it's worked for me. And you could look at that 0:40:22.160 --> 0:40:23.640 and be like, oh, well, eighteen hours of the hustle 0:40:23.680 --> 0:40:26.799 culture and there's no balance, and I'm like, but it's 0:40:27.800 --> 0:40:30.560 each of us have got to find what's comfortable and 0:40:30.640 --> 0:40:32.279 natural for us, and you're allowed to have your own 0:40:32.280 --> 0:40:35.279 experience and also recognize that there's negatives within it. 0:40:35.400 --> 0:40:37.840 Yeah, because you you know, you were working those eighteen 0:40:37.840 --> 0:40:41.040 hour days and when you realize, well, maybe I shouldn't 0:40:41.040 --> 0:40:43.719 be doing that, or you have maybe this realization of 0:40:44.760 --> 0:40:46.759 maybe I should have more balance in my life, maybe 0:40:46.800 --> 0:40:49.040 I should do this. Oh okay like that, then you 0:40:49.080 --> 0:40:51.240 can maybe fix it and grow from it and change 0:40:51.280 --> 0:40:53.239 and not do that anymore. But doesn't mean that when 0:40:53.239 --> 0:40:55.840 you were doing it, you were you know, having a 0:40:55.920 --> 0:40:58.480 terrible time. Maybe you were having fun and you were 0:40:58.520 --> 0:41:01.080 just excited that you to do this work and all 0:41:01.160 --> 0:41:03.320 that stuff. And then you can look back on and 0:41:03.400 --> 0:41:05.680 be like, WHOA, I was actually some more overwhelmed than 0:41:05.719 --> 0:41:09.680 I thought I was. Oh okay, likes I That's what 0:41:09.719 --> 0:41:12.239 that was. Because sometimes you feel these things and some 0:41:12.400 --> 0:41:15.120 new emotions that you've never felt before, and you can't 0:41:15.120 --> 0:41:17.440 pinpoint what it is exactly until you hear somebody else 0:41:17.480 --> 0:41:20.200 say it, or there's a new topic of discussion where 0:41:20.200 --> 0:41:22.319 people are like, do you guys ever feel this? And 0:41:22.360 --> 0:41:24.200 then you're like, I do feel that? What is that? 0:41:24.280 --> 0:41:27.839 And then you discover oh, it's burnout? Yes, Oh see, 0:41:28.040 --> 0:41:30.040 there was never a word for it before. That's what 0:41:30.080 --> 0:41:33.960 that is. It's just like acknowledging and recognizing something and 0:41:33.960 --> 0:41:35.560 then being like, Okay, well we're not going to do 0:41:35.600 --> 0:41:38.680 that anymore. But I did do it, so you know 0:41:38.760 --> 0:41:39.520 we're not going to do that. 0:41:39.880 --> 0:41:41.719 Yeah, it's so true. I mean I think about that. 0:41:41.760 --> 0:41:46.040 When I was young, I used to have certain physical 0:41:46.120 --> 0:41:49.120 sensations or experiences in my heart space and my chest space, 0:41:49.120 --> 0:41:50.520 and I would go to the doctors. I would tell 0:41:50.560 --> 0:41:52.640 my mom and we'd go get checked out. The doctors 0:41:52.760 --> 0:41:55.319 had no clue. They were like, you're absolutely fine. Yeah, 0:41:55.360 --> 0:41:56.719 And now I look back and I'm like, oh, I 0:41:56.719 --> 0:41:59.520 had anxiety. Oh I had panicitects. I had no idea, 0:42:00.120 --> 0:42:03.200 and no one ever used that language. I saw multiple doctors, 0:42:03.280 --> 0:42:04.960 no one ever said it to me, and so I 0:42:05.040 --> 0:42:06.640 just moved on with life and got on with it, 0:42:06.680 --> 0:42:09.120 and it became better at dealing with it. And now 0:42:09.120 --> 0:42:10.480 I look back and I'm like, oh, now there's a 0:42:10.480 --> 0:42:12.360 word for it, and now we can label it and 0:42:12.360 --> 0:42:12.880 talk about it. 0:42:12.920 --> 0:42:13.759 But I didn't know then. 0:42:14.320 --> 0:42:16.520 And There's been definitely times in my life where I've 0:42:16.520 --> 0:42:19.920 been in denial, that I've been in stress or burnout, 0:42:20.120 --> 0:42:21.719 and then I look back and I'm like, oh, now 0:42:21.719 --> 0:42:24.000 I can notice it. But at that time I just 0:42:24.000 --> 0:42:26.000 needed to push through or whatever it may be. But 0:42:26.440 --> 0:42:29.560 I mean talking about this and talking about relate relevant 0:42:29.560 --> 0:42:33.400 emotional experiences. I was talking about my friend earlier, and 0:42:33.440 --> 0:42:36.239 you were talking to me about the experience you went through. 0:42:36.440 --> 0:42:39.279 You shared this on social media. You talked about the 0:42:39.320 --> 0:42:42.640 loss of Tate and the grief you've experienced, which is 0:42:42.680 --> 0:42:45.680 what's led to Tate and Taylor, which is this incredible 0:42:45.719 --> 0:42:49.680 new platform and company that's supporting so many people walk. 0:42:50.320 --> 0:42:52.960 I want to talk about what you've built and the 0:42:53.000 --> 0:42:56.640 passion and the purpose behind it, but let's talk about 0:42:57.040 --> 0:43:03.480 the grief of losing a friend, because that's really what 0:43:03.560 --> 0:43:07.239 they say, is a really dear friend walk me through 0:43:07.239 --> 0:43:10.759 those nine years and the amazing relationship you built with Tate. 0:43:10.880 --> 0:43:14.880 Yeah, Tate, Oh my angel. I got Tate when I 0:43:14.920 --> 0:43:18.120 was eighteen, so it was really kind of in the 0:43:18.160 --> 0:43:20.440 mix of all this my life changing, you know. I 0:43:21.080 --> 0:43:24.080 booked the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show not very long after 0:43:24.160 --> 0:43:28.200 I Tate came into my life and we went We 0:43:28.239 --> 0:43:31.440 walked through life together for nine years and he was 0:43:32.160 --> 0:43:37.600 my best friend. And oh gosh, it's so hard to 0:43:37.719 --> 0:43:43.439 put it into words because it's it's so it's such 0:43:43.440 --> 0:43:47.240 a unique thing to have a deep relationship with an animal, 0:43:47.480 --> 0:43:50.839 and it sounds I hope it don't sound crazy. Yeah, 0:43:50.840 --> 0:43:53.799 I gonna sound a little crazy, but like, I just 0:43:53.840 --> 0:43:58.200 feel like the love that you know, dogs and animals 0:43:58.280 --> 0:44:04.319 in general have for humans is so unconditional, you know, 0:44:04.560 --> 0:44:09.319 and they have no judgment. They don't want anything from 0:44:09.320 --> 0:44:13.520 you but your love back, and it's so pure and 0:44:13.560 --> 0:44:17.440 it's so innocent. It's almost childlike in a way, you know, 0:44:17.480 --> 0:44:20.640 when I I can only imagine, you know, when you 0:44:20.680 --> 0:44:22.960 hold a newborn baby for the first time, that immediate 0:44:22.960 --> 0:44:25.439 connection that you feel to this thing that I can't 0:44:25.480 --> 0:44:28.080 even talk get and is just a part of you. 0:44:30.560 --> 0:44:33.600 It's really special to have such a deep connection to 0:44:33.680 --> 0:44:38.000 something that literally wants nothing from you except for also 0:44:38.080 --> 0:44:41.600 the like unconditional love. So to have take com into 0:44:41.640 --> 0:44:45.480 my life at that time was so special, just because 0:44:46.040 --> 0:44:48.520 so much was changing. You know, I was growing up. 0:44:48.640 --> 0:44:51.960 I was, you know, becoming a young woman from a 0:44:52.000 --> 0:44:55.879 girl to a woman, and he was there for that. 0:44:56.000 --> 0:44:58.160 And you know, I was traveling all the time, and 0:44:58.520 --> 0:45:02.320 I was away from family, and I just had this little, tiny, 0:45:02.360 --> 0:45:06.040 innocent soul with me that just always looked at me, like, 0:45:06.280 --> 0:45:09.319 you're the best, and I love you. And Tate taught 0:45:09.320 --> 0:45:14.320 me so much. I mean, he taught me, you know, responsibility, 0:45:14.360 --> 0:45:17.640 caring for something other than myself, you know, taking care 0:45:17.719 --> 0:45:20.200 of him, you know, pouring love into him and making 0:45:20.239 --> 0:45:24.759 sure that he was good and you know even well behaved, 0:45:24.800 --> 0:45:27.680 and training him and doing all those things is showing 0:45:27.840 --> 0:45:29.640 him an act of love and making sure that he's 0:45:29.920 --> 0:45:33.480 a confident, comfortable dog he could be in any scenario. 0:45:33.480 --> 0:45:35.359 And he was the best boy. And I think he 0:45:35.400 --> 0:45:37.000 also kind of knew that I was just kind of 0:45:37.320 --> 0:45:38.359 out there winging. 0:45:38.080 --> 0:45:38.440 It a bit. 0:45:38.520 --> 0:45:40.279 He was like, oh God, this girl, this girl has 0:45:40.360 --> 0:45:41.960 no idea what she's doing. So I'm gonna have to 0:45:41.960 --> 0:45:44.399 be a good boy now. And he just I really 0:45:44.440 --> 0:45:48.640 sometimes feel like he did teach himself how to just 0:45:49.200 --> 0:45:51.759 be everywhere with me all the time. And I think 0:45:51.800 --> 0:45:53.359 that he was meant for me, and he was meant 0:45:53.400 --> 0:45:55.600 to be in my life, and I think that we 0:45:55.600 --> 0:45:58.080 were sort of made for each other and we belonged 0:45:58.120 --> 0:46:03.319 to each other. And you know, he was he was 0:46:03.360 --> 0:46:06.839 so it sounds crazy to say this about a dog, 0:46:06.880 --> 0:46:09.600 but he was so emotional, Like his eyes were so human. 0:46:09.719 --> 0:46:12.359 He could look at me and I knew what he 0:46:12.440 --> 0:46:16.640 was saying or what he was thinking, or I felt 0:46:16.680 --> 0:46:18.920 that he could feel what I was thinking or what 0:46:18.960 --> 0:46:23.080 I was feeling. And I definitely think that he also 0:46:23.120 --> 0:46:26.400 taught me a lot about you know, emotion and you 0:46:26.400 --> 0:46:30.920 know being. You know what's that saying? You know, be 0:46:31.000 --> 0:46:34.280 the person your dog thinks you are. They think you're great. 0:46:34.400 --> 0:46:39.040 You know, they're like, I love you no matter what. Yes, mom, Yes, 0:46:39.600 --> 0:46:42.879 So if that's the energy they give you, right, it's like, oh, 0:46:43.200 --> 0:46:46.440 you're the best, and it's just like am I the best? 0:46:46.920 --> 0:46:50.319 But to how something, you know, this little creature just 0:46:50.320 --> 0:46:52.319 look at you and think you're the best. It kind 0:46:52.360 --> 0:46:55.319 of makes you want to be the best, right, you know, 0:46:55.840 --> 0:46:59.200 constantly trying to grow and be better and change, and 0:46:59.640 --> 0:47:02.800 you know, nobody's perfect and no one will ever be perfect, 0:47:02.840 --> 0:47:06.120 and we're always learning and we're always growing and we're 0:47:06.120 --> 0:47:09.960 always changing. But having something to do that for and 0:47:10.160 --> 0:47:14.239 having someone to do that with is is really is 0:47:14.239 --> 0:47:16.719 It's different, you know, like it's more intentional, right, So 0:47:17.440 --> 0:47:20.120 trying to be better because Tait thinks I'm the best 0:47:20.280 --> 0:47:25.840 is a different motivation. So he definitely was there for 0:47:25.920 --> 0:47:28.160 me through, you know, so much of my life and 0:47:28.880 --> 0:47:31.560 so much of my life changing. I think from you know, 0:47:31.680 --> 0:47:36.719 eighteen to twenty seven are pretty formative years. I don't 0:47:36.760 --> 0:47:38.920 I'm not a doctor, but someone told me once that 0:47:39.040 --> 0:47:42.279 your brain stops developing a twenty five or something. So 0:47:43.000 --> 0:47:44.840 you know, he was there. Oh sorry, I hit the 0:47:44.880 --> 0:47:49.200 mic top with my hands. He was there. He was 0:47:49.239 --> 0:47:52.920 there from when I had an undeveloped brain to a 0:47:53.040 --> 0:47:55.400 developed brain. You know, he kind of just saw me 0:47:55.440 --> 0:47:59.319 through and he was He was just the best, I mean, 0:48:00.520 --> 0:48:02.600 the love of my life, I mean, my soulmate really 0:48:02.640 --> 0:48:06.000 because he just knew, you know, and I've never had 0:48:06.040 --> 0:48:09.000 a connection with any anyone like that that I've had 0:48:09.000 --> 0:48:13.440 with Tate. So I'm just I'm really grateful that he 0:48:13.520 --> 0:48:16.040 was in my life. He's the inspiration behind me even 0:48:16.040 --> 0:48:20.399 wanting to start a pet company, just because I love 0:48:20.480 --> 0:48:23.520 him so much. And I know other people have felt 0:48:23.520 --> 0:48:26.360 that before, people who've had you know, what I like 0:48:26.400 --> 0:48:28.919 to call a soul dog, they know what I'm talking about, 0:48:28.960 --> 0:48:31.720 you know, they know that feeling. And when I shared 0:48:31.719 --> 0:48:34.080 that I lost Tate, people who who'd you know, been 0:48:34.120 --> 0:48:36.239 on my journey with me and been maybe following me 0:48:36.280 --> 0:48:38.360 for a bit, no the day I got him, and 0:48:38.400 --> 0:48:40.719 maybe saw saw him on my Instagram all the time. 0:48:40.719 --> 0:48:42.319 I mean, he was probably in every single picture on 0:48:42.360 --> 0:48:44.960 my Instagram for nine years, so I feel like people 0:48:45.120 --> 0:48:48.680 felt like they knew him. And when I said when I, 0:48:48.880 --> 0:48:51.799 you know, shared that he was sick, and then when 0:48:51.840 --> 0:48:55.680 I ultimately shared that he had passed, the overwhelming amount 0:48:55.760 --> 0:48:59.839 of support and you know, messages that I got and 0:49:00.080 --> 0:49:02.719 also shared experiences that I received from I lost my 0:49:02.800 --> 0:49:05.640 soul dog ten years ago and I still think about 0:49:05.640 --> 0:49:09.000 them every single day. It made me feel It made 0:49:09.000 --> 0:49:14.120 me feel less alone and less maybe kind of strange 0:49:14.160 --> 0:49:16.520 for feeling this way about a dog, because I you know, 0:49:16.560 --> 0:49:20.160 you get both you get. I got amazing, overwhelming comments 0:49:20.160 --> 0:49:25.200 that were just overwhelmingly positive. I mean, just you know, 0:49:25.280 --> 0:49:27.239 I know what you've what you're going through. I went 0:49:27.280 --> 0:49:30.400 through this, you know. Just remember He's always with you. You know. 0:49:30.440 --> 0:49:35.000 I got messages like that that touched me so deeply 0:49:35.160 --> 0:49:38.400 and positively, and I just felt so grateful that I 0:49:38.440 --> 0:49:40.040 got those messages. But then, of course you get the 0:49:40.040 --> 0:49:42.000 flip side where people don't understand. They're like, oh, it's 0:49:42.040 --> 0:49:44.600 a dog, what's the big deal. You know, Oh, it's 0:49:44.600 --> 0:49:48.760 a dog. Move on. I'll never move on from Tate's death. 0:49:49.239 --> 0:49:54.600 My grief will change, for sure. My perspective of his 0:49:55.360 --> 0:50:00.000 death will change, and it has even since I lost him. 0:50:00.160 --> 0:50:08.319 You know, I it's devastating and it's heartbreaking, and you know, 0:50:08.480 --> 0:50:11.200 to anyone who's felt that, I know that feels like 0:50:11.560 --> 0:50:15.040 and don't let anybody rush you. You know, some people 0:50:15.080 --> 0:50:18.799 don't understand it's just because this is a dog and 0:50:18.880 --> 0:50:22.680 you know, not a person. It doesn't mean that they 0:50:22.680 --> 0:50:25.719 don't deserve the same amount of time and space and 0:50:25.840 --> 0:50:30.840 energy you would give to grieving anything else. So I 0:50:30.840 --> 0:50:34.879 would just say, you know, take your time, and you're 0:50:34.880 --> 0:50:38.920 not alone. And it's not a fun thing to go 0:50:38.960 --> 0:50:45.200 through at all. So I think I'll always miss Tate. 0:50:45.320 --> 0:50:47.279 You know, I don't see how I can't, you know. 0:50:47.320 --> 0:50:52.040 And I think to say to get over something is 0:50:52.280 --> 0:50:54.800 such a harsh way of saying it because I'll probably 0:50:54.800 --> 0:50:58.959 never get over it. I'll never really get over losing Tate. 0:51:00.200 --> 0:51:03.160 I can heal from it, and I can find, you know, 0:51:04.160 --> 0:51:06.960 peace with it, But those are two completely different things. 0:51:07.000 --> 0:51:10.600 Getting over it? How do you get over that? 0:51:10.719 --> 0:51:10.960 You know? 0:51:11.360 --> 0:51:14.200 It does? It's not something that it's not an object 0:51:14.239 --> 0:51:16.000 in my way, it's he's a part of me and 0:51:16.040 --> 0:51:22.280 he's no longer here. So yeah, I definitely think losing 0:51:22.280 --> 0:51:25.880 a pet is tough. And you know, losing one that 0:51:25.920 --> 0:51:28.600 you have such a deep, strong connection with that's been 0:51:28.640 --> 0:51:32.120 with you for so many things with no expectation from 0:51:32.120 --> 0:51:33.680 you other than just they want to be there with 0:51:33.719 --> 0:51:36.759 you is that's a tough loss and a tough thing 0:51:36.880 --> 0:51:39.520 to work through. 0:51:39.800 --> 0:51:43.600 So thank you for sharing that. I mean, I like 0:51:43.640 --> 0:51:46.120 I was saying to you. I've had two friends recently 0:51:46.200 --> 0:51:49.719 who've both lost pets that they were dogs that they 0:51:49.760 --> 0:51:52.680 were close to for many, many years, and I've been 0:51:52.680 --> 0:51:55.400 talking to them and when this opportunity came up to 0:51:55.400 --> 0:51:57.560 talk to you, I was thinking about you, and then 0:51:57.600 --> 0:52:00.560 thinking about them, and I can't wait to share this 0:52:00.560 --> 0:52:05.520 conversation with them because it's I don't think there's anyone 0:52:05.560 --> 0:52:08.160 who has a pet that they're deeply close to that 0:52:08.360 --> 0:52:11.560 sees it as a loss that's different of any kind. 0:52:11.680 --> 0:52:13.280 And why would you when that. 0:52:13.160 --> 0:52:15.759 Person has been there with you through all these experiences 0:52:16.239 --> 0:52:18.400 walk us through, Like what is it like when you 0:52:18.480 --> 0:52:20.919 get that caller, you have that meeting with the vet 0:52:21.040 --> 0:52:23.799 or the doctor that goes this is the condition that 0:52:23.920 --> 0:52:26.080 Tate hasn't please tell us a bit about the condition 0:52:26.200 --> 0:52:30.000 and that experience, because I feel like, to me, when 0:52:30.000 --> 0:52:33.440 I think about grief and loss, it's like that point 0:52:33.480 --> 0:52:36.480 in the journey is so pivotal to everything that comes 0:52:36.520 --> 0:52:38.920 after it because it's like the first time it really 0:52:39.320 --> 0:52:42.720 hits you that this may not last. 0:52:42.920 --> 0:52:46.920 Yeah, and also it can dictate your journey and how 0:52:46.920 --> 0:52:50.280 you grieve and why you're grieving. So Tate was diagnosed 0:52:50.320 --> 0:52:54.359 with T cell and foma, and you know, he was 0:52:54.520 --> 0:53:00.759 acting strangely, probably less than a month before his diagnosis. 0:53:01.400 --> 0:53:03.919 It was little things, very subtle things, and almost things 0:53:03.920 --> 0:53:08.520 that were already kind of things that he had been 0:53:08.520 --> 0:53:10.120 doing before, but they were just a little bit more 0:53:10.120 --> 0:53:12.200 frequent or a little bit more extreme, and I was like, well, 0:53:12.200 --> 0:53:15.400 that's really weird. So Tate had a very sensitive stomach. 0:53:15.480 --> 0:53:18.080 He would always sometimes I don't want to say the 0:53:18.120 --> 0:53:21.080 word throw up, but sorry guys, So if you're triggered 0:53:21.080 --> 0:53:24.160 by that. He would throw up his food sometimes, and 0:53:24.400 --> 0:53:26.600 he like it didn't always like sit well with him. 0:53:26.640 --> 0:53:29.520 And he he had, like you know, already had like 0:53:30.400 --> 0:53:34.880 digestion problems from when he was a puppy, but probably 0:53:34.920 --> 0:53:39.439 a couple of weeks before his cancer diagnosis, he was 0:53:39.480 --> 0:53:43.279 still throwing up food. He was like drinking water excessively, 0:53:43.360 --> 0:53:45.319 like drinking a lot of water, like he seemed very, 0:53:45.400 --> 0:53:48.720 very thirsty. And then when I ultimately was like, okay, 0:53:48.719 --> 0:53:54.080 something is really really wrong, it was incontinence. So he 0:53:54.160 --> 0:53:56.560 was peeing in the bed at night, which was he 0:53:56.640 --> 0:53:58.480 never did that. He was such a good boy. I 0:53:58.520 --> 0:54:02.759 was like, he would never do this intentionally. So I 0:54:02.800 --> 0:54:04.440 took him to the doctor and I was like, something 0:54:04.480 --> 0:54:08.080 is wrong. He's you know, it's not strange or abnormal 0:54:08.120 --> 0:54:10.640 that he's throwing up his food, but it's strange that 0:54:10.719 --> 0:54:13.200 he threw up water yesterday, and it's strange that he 0:54:13.280 --> 0:54:15.560 peed in the bed. And I don't think that those 0:54:15.560 --> 0:54:18.800 are normal things. So you know, they're doing blood tests. 0:54:18.920 --> 0:54:22.279 His calcium levels are off. I don't remember in what way, 0:54:22.400 --> 0:54:25.399 just because honestly, it's all a bit of a blur 0:54:25.520 --> 0:54:28.400 because it's it was a very emotional time. So but 0:54:28.440 --> 0:54:31.759 I do remember his calcium levels. There was something wrong there. 0:54:31.840 --> 0:54:33.960 So they did another test that was a bit more 0:54:33.960 --> 0:54:37.640 of a deep dive into that. They were like, okay, yeah, 0:54:37.640 --> 0:54:40.880 this is a problem. We should probably do an X ray. So, 0:54:41.600 --> 0:54:44.080 you know, that was a week ago. So now it's 0:54:44.120 --> 0:54:47.560 a week later, and you know, getting these appointments and 0:54:47.600 --> 0:54:49.680 like seeing the doctors, you know, it's just sometimes not 0:54:49.680 --> 0:54:54.319 always easy, even in dogs, even you know, in veterinary circumstances, 0:54:54.320 --> 0:54:57.200 it's weirdly sometimes similar to human doctors. You know, it's 0:54:57.239 --> 0:55:00.279 just getting these appointments and getting into sea it's like, well, 0:55:00.280 --> 0:55:02.440 something is wrong. Can we just do this now? Why 0:55:02.440 --> 0:55:04.719 are we sitting here and waiting? He doesn't feel good, 0:55:04.800 --> 0:55:09.520 So we go in for the x ray, and you know, 0:55:09.880 --> 0:55:14.080 sure enough, they find a mass in his shoulder and 0:55:14.200 --> 0:55:16.200 his lymph node near his shoulder, and they're like, okay, 0:55:16.200 --> 0:55:19.600 well we think it's lymphoma. So you know, you need 0:55:19.640 --> 0:55:23.000 to take him to an oncologist, and you know, these 0:55:23.040 --> 0:55:27.080 are the oncologists that we recommend. I'm calling every hospital 0:55:27.080 --> 0:55:29.600 in New York that I possibly can to see. You know, 0:55:29.680 --> 0:55:32.920 who can I take him to right away? Everyone was, 0:55:33.080 --> 0:55:36.000 you know, this was maybe May. Everyone was like, our 0:55:36.040 --> 0:55:39.319 next appointment isn't until June sixteenth. Our next appointment isn't 0:55:39.400 --> 0:55:42.440 until July sixteenth. I'm like, okay, well, my dog was 0:55:42.440 --> 0:55:45.279 just diagnosed with cancer, or what they think to be 0:55:45.520 --> 0:55:48.400 is cancer. I can't imagine that he can wait until 0:55:48.520 --> 0:55:52.279 June or July. And I don't really know what to 0:55:52.320 --> 0:55:57.040 do next. So he starts getting worse, and he's not 0:55:57.200 --> 0:56:00.279 eating anymore, and he has no appetite and he can't 0:56:00.360 --> 0:56:04.279 keep even water down. So my husband actually takes him 0:56:04.280 --> 0:56:07.440 to the vet. I'm out of town when this is happening, 0:56:08.040 --> 0:56:11.719 and she says, he's in a really bad state. He's 0:56:11.800 --> 0:56:14.400 severely dehydrated. You need to take him to the emergency 0:56:14.480 --> 0:56:18.840 room right now, and they'll check him into the ICU 0:56:19.080 --> 0:56:21.319 and then maybe then he'll be seen by an oncologist. 0:56:21.440 --> 0:56:23.560 And I was like, why didn't you tell me that before? 0:56:24.320 --> 0:56:25.839 Oh my god, I would have done that a week ago, 0:56:25.960 --> 0:56:28.480 even though he wasn't in a state of emergency. He 0:56:28.560 --> 0:56:31.920 has we think he has cancer. We think he has 0:56:31.960 --> 0:56:35.840 tell tea cell and foma that's very aggressive. So we 0:56:37.320 --> 0:56:41.879 my husband takes him to the emergency room, and sure 0:56:41.960 --> 0:56:44.360 enough they do. They check him into the ICU. He's, 0:56:44.760 --> 0:56:48.440 you know, very severely dehydrated, he's very weak, he hasn't 0:56:48.440 --> 0:56:51.439 eaten in like two days, and he's on a wait 0:56:51.440 --> 0:56:57.040 list to see an oncologist that day. And well, remembering 0:56:57.080 --> 0:56:58.800 all this is hard because I wasn't in town. This 0:56:58.960 --> 0:57:02.320 was happening, and I get the calls that Tates in 0:57:02.360 --> 0:57:05.399 the emergency room, Tates in the ICU. I'm not there, 0:57:06.560 --> 0:57:08.920 petrified I'm going to lose him, and I'm not going 0:57:09.000 --> 0:57:16.080 to be there. And he's seen by the oncologists. They 0:57:16.080 --> 0:57:18.720 do all the tests, they do all the scans. Yes, 0:57:18.760 --> 0:57:24.360 he does have T cell lymphoma. It's throughout his entire body. 0:57:24.720 --> 0:57:29.240 He has multiple you know, masses on multiple lymph nodes. 0:57:30.160 --> 0:57:36.160 And he definitely doesn't have much much more time left. 0:57:38.760 --> 0:57:42.240 So I get home as soon as I can. I'm 0:57:42.720 --> 0:57:46.640 in the I see you with him, and you know, 0:57:46.760 --> 0:57:51.200 all this is happening days before our wedding. Actually, I 0:57:51.240 --> 0:57:54.800 was in the hospital with him on a Monday, and 0:57:54.920 --> 0:57:57.800 on Thursday, I was meant to fly back home to 0:57:57.960 --> 0:58:01.120 Colorado to get married. And I'm in New York in 0:58:01.160 --> 0:58:04.360 the hospital, in the icy with Tate, and you know, 0:58:04.400 --> 0:58:06.600 I'm looking at him and I'm asking him, like, if 0:58:06.680 --> 0:58:08.920 you if you need to go, wait, please let me know, 0:58:09.160 --> 0:58:11.080 like I will let you go, you know, Like I 0:58:11.160 --> 0:58:14.960 don't want to make him do anything that he doesn't 0:58:14.960 --> 0:58:17.080 want to do, because sometimes I feel like when you're 0:58:17.120 --> 0:58:19.880 dealing with a sick animal, we can be quite selfish. 0:58:19.920 --> 0:58:21.720 And I want him to be there, and I want 0:58:21.760 --> 0:58:24.000 him to be okay, and I want him to be 0:58:24.040 --> 0:58:26.080 at my wedding and all these things that I want, 0:58:26.120 --> 0:58:29.600 But what about him. He doesn't feel good, he's sick, 0:58:29.640 --> 0:58:32.960 he's in the hospital. So Tate was at the Animal 0:58:32.960 --> 0:58:36.000 medical Center in New York, the Shworsman Animal Medical Center, 0:58:36.600 --> 0:58:38.960 And a lot of what we do at TIT and 0:58:38.960 --> 0:58:41.640 Taylor is I have a whole cancer like a fuck 0:58:41.680 --> 0:58:45.000 cancer merch collection line where one hundred percent of the 0:58:45.000 --> 0:58:49.040 profit that we make goes back to a fund that 0:58:49.040 --> 0:58:51.600 they have at the Animal Medical Center called the Buddy Fund. 0:58:52.280 --> 0:58:56.720 And what the Buddy Fund does is help subsidize the 0:58:56.800 --> 0:58:59.840 cost or cover the cost in total of chemotherapy and 0:59:00.160 --> 0:59:03.880 cancer treatments and pets. It's an incredible program and it's 0:59:03.960 --> 0:59:07.400 an incredible hospital and a part of my journey and 0:59:07.480 --> 0:59:10.520 story with Tate, so much of it has to do 0:59:10.680 --> 0:59:14.800 with the amazing the oncology department at the Animal Medical 0:59:14.840 --> 0:59:18.840 Center is amazing. They're the largest nonprofit hospital in the world, 0:59:19.440 --> 0:59:23.120 and they they have so many amazing programs there. They're 0:59:23.160 --> 0:59:26.760 teaching hospital, so it's a really it's a great place. 0:59:26.840 --> 0:59:29.120 Tate was in the best hands when he was there, 0:59:29.280 --> 0:59:32.320 and while even though I was going through something quite 0:59:32.360 --> 0:59:34.760 emotional and a turbulent time of is he going to 0:59:34.800 --> 0:59:37.000 make it to one of the most special days of 0:59:37.000 --> 0:59:40.240 my life and or is he not? I I had 0:59:40.280 --> 0:59:44.040 an amazing doctor there. She was so supportive. She was 0:59:44.040 --> 0:59:46.440 about to get married. She was, you know, getting married 0:59:46.440 --> 0:59:48.400 a week after me. So she was I have a 0:59:48.440 --> 0:59:50.280 dog and she was like, I can't She's like, I 0:59:50.280 --> 0:59:52.440 can't imagine what you're feeling right now. I mean she's 0:59:52.480 --> 0:59:54.400 at She's like, I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. 0:59:54.440 --> 0:59:57.520 You know, getting married, your dog in the hospital, this 0:59:57.600 --> 1:00:00.520 is your baby, and you know you're he might not 1:00:00.600 --> 1:00:05.320 be there. So the team that the oncology team was 1:00:05.800 --> 1:00:09.440 so amazing with Tate and with me. They did everything 1:00:09.440 --> 1:00:12.400 in their power. They're like, well, we think we should start, 1:00:12.520 --> 1:00:15.280 you know, the chop protocol, which is what he started, 1:00:15.480 --> 1:00:20.120 and he started responding to it really positively. So I'm 1:00:20.320 --> 1:00:23.480 you know, there's a small segue cut back to you know, 1:00:23.520 --> 1:00:26.360 I'm looking at Tate. I'm like, please tell me, like, 1:00:26.440 --> 1:00:28.600 do you want to fight this? Like are you gonna 1:00:28.640 --> 1:00:31.160 stick it out? You don't have to do that, you 1:00:31.160 --> 1:00:32.720 don't have to come. I know I want you to, 1:00:32.840 --> 1:00:36.160 but I need to do what's best for you. And 1:00:36.280 --> 1:00:39.400 after I you know, said this to him, he it's 1:00:39.480 --> 1:00:42.919 you know, he's going in to have a feeding tube 1:00:42.920 --> 1:00:44.920 put in because he's not eating and he's about to 1:00:44.960 --> 1:00:46.720 start the chop protocol. They want to make sure he 1:00:46.720 --> 1:00:49.200 has nutrients in his body, so they put a feeding 1:00:49.200 --> 1:00:53.000 tube in so that they can start giving administering, you know, 1:00:53.080 --> 1:00:59.000 nutrients to him. And immediately flipped. He went from looking 1:00:59.160 --> 1:01:02.840 like he was on st doorstep to Tate. He was 1:01:02.880 --> 1:01:07.280 wagging his tail, he was energetic, he was you know, 1:01:07.360 --> 1:01:09.840 doing it. He was him. I was like, it was 1:01:09.880 --> 1:01:12.360 the next day, and this was Wednesday. I'm supposed to 1:01:12.400 --> 1:01:16.560 leave Thursday for the wedding. I was my mind was blown. 1:01:16.600 --> 1:01:18.800 I was like, oh my god, I can't believe it. 1:01:18.840 --> 1:01:21.880 I was like, Tater, are you lying to me right now? 1:01:21.880 --> 1:01:23.520 What are you doing? What is this? All of a 1:01:23.560 --> 1:01:26.960 sudden he knew, he knew he wanted to be there. 1:01:27.000 --> 1:01:28.840 I asked him. I was like, do you what do 1:01:28.880 --> 1:01:31.520 you need? What do you want? They, you know, put 1:01:31.520 --> 1:01:34.080 the feeding to him in they're administering his first dose 1:01:34.120 --> 1:01:36.800 of the chop protocol, and you know, he's able to 1:01:37.040 --> 1:01:39.280 get some nutrients in his body. He's a different dog. 1:01:40.120 --> 1:01:42.240 I'm like, Okay, this dog wants to fight this for me. 1:01:42.320 --> 1:01:45.880 He wants to pull through right now, so he does 1:01:45.920 --> 1:01:49.440 make it to the wedding. It was an amazing, beautiful 1:01:49.440 --> 1:01:51.280 experience to be able to share that with him, because 1:01:51.360 --> 1:01:54.400 literally every person who he's ever loved and who has 1:01:54.440 --> 1:02:00.160 ever loved Tate was there and they got to they 1:02:00.200 --> 1:02:03.200 got to say goodbye to him, you know. As not 1:02:03.240 --> 1:02:06.480 to sound morbid, but it is. It's in a way 1:02:06.600 --> 1:02:11.120 sort of cancer and dogs is it's not curable. They 1:02:11.160 --> 1:02:14.560 don't live much longer than maybe a year, you know, 1:02:14.720 --> 1:02:17.840 sometimes in some cases too, like it's different, you know, 1:02:17.960 --> 1:02:21.880 you they treat dogs to live the best quality of 1:02:21.880 --> 1:02:23.360 life if they can, for the rest of their lives, 1:02:23.440 --> 1:02:25.400 until they get to a point where it's okay, well 1:02:26.440 --> 1:02:30.280 it's their time. So it was a way for people 1:02:30.320 --> 1:02:32.120 to say goodbye to him because we knew he wouldn't 1:02:32.160 --> 1:02:34.360 be around for much longer. We didn't know how much longer, 1:02:34.400 --> 1:02:38.960 but it wasn't going to be much longer. And it 1:02:39.000 --> 1:02:43.520 was really special. You know, my best friend from my childhood, 1:02:43.600 --> 1:02:45.439 someone I've known since I was five years old, he 1:02:45.840 --> 1:02:48.640 was what did I call him, oh, my man of honor, 1:02:49.200 --> 1:02:52.200 and he walked him down the aisle and it was 1:02:52.280 --> 1:02:55.880 really special, and you know, people were crying and everyone 1:02:55.960 --> 1:02:58.240 was hugging Tate and kissing Tate and just it was 1:02:58.320 --> 1:03:00.920 so special for me to be able to see and 1:03:00.960 --> 1:03:03.840 feel the love for him, knowing what he had gone 1:03:03.880 --> 1:03:06.080 through and what we were going through, and it felt 1:03:06.080 --> 1:03:09.640 like it really felt like a miracle that he made 1:03:09.640 --> 1:03:13.040 it there and that he was there that day. So 1:03:13.160 --> 1:03:15.600 then you know, we get back to New York and 1:03:15.960 --> 1:03:20.240 he's you know, he's on maybe number two or three 1:03:20.320 --> 1:03:25.840 of his doses. It's a sixteen week process, and we 1:03:25.840 --> 1:03:29.720 were probably only on like week two and so because 1:03:29.720 --> 1:03:33.120 he had t cell lymphoma, it's a it's very aggressive 1:03:33.200 --> 1:03:36.920 and it adapts in the body really quickly, and you know, 1:03:37.040 --> 1:03:42.360 since Tate had tumors throughout his entire body, we didn't 1:03:42.400 --> 1:03:45.200 know how he would respond to it. He was nine 1:03:45.240 --> 1:03:50.560 years old, so he was older, but he wasn't old old, 1:03:50.600 --> 1:03:52.400 I guess. So the doctors were like, well, we're not 1:03:52.440 --> 1:03:55.480 really sure. He's nine. It's old, but he's still energetic. 1:03:55.480 --> 1:03:58.160 He's still quite youthful. Like we're gonna kind of play 1:03:58.160 --> 1:04:01.600 it by your and see how this goes. And then 1:04:02.080 --> 1:04:05.160 it was we were we were in New York for 1:04:05.240 --> 1:04:08.960 maybe about a week ten days or so, and he 1:04:09.040 --> 1:04:12.040 started to get really really bad again, really bad. We 1:04:12.120 --> 1:04:16.160 take him back to the emergency room. They you know, 1:04:16.280 --> 1:04:20.240 he's back in the ICU and they're doing all the 1:04:20.280 --> 1:04:22.680 blood work and the tests and you know, checking on him, 1:04:22.760 --> 1:04:30.200 and he the cancer in his body had adapted to 1:04:30.320 --> 1:04:33.640 the to the chemotherapy treatments and it was attacking his 1:04:33.720 --> 1:04:41.040 kidneys now and essentially, you know, his doctor said, if 1:04:41.080 --> 1:04:47.000 he doesn't pass from the cancer, he'll pass from kidney failure. So, right, 1:04:47.080 --> 1:04:49.560 now we're in a position where there's not much more 1:04:49.760 --> 1:04:52.480 we can do, and he's not comfortable. He's in a 1:04:52.520 --> 1:04:56.440 lot of pain. He's very sick. She said, it's completely 1:04:56.520 --> 1:04:58.440 up to you, and I can't tell you what to do. 1:04:58.520 --> 1:05:01.040 All I can tell you is where he at, what 1:05:01.280 --> 1:05:05.680 hit the health. The condition of his health right now 1:05:05.760 --> 1:05:08.880 is not good. So you know, we ultimately have to 1:05:08.880 --> 1:05:12.280 come to to the decision to let Tate go because 1:05:12.640 --> 1:05:15.080 I don't want him to live like that. But so selfish, 1:05:15.160 --> 1:05:18.240 you know, I think to try to keep treating him 1:05:18.240 --> 1:05:24.240 when he's Yeah, he's not. He shouldn't. He shouldn't be, 1:05:24.360 --> 1:05:29.720 you know. So we were able to make an appointment 1:05:29.760 --> 1:05:33.920 with the doctor that does humane euthanization in home so 1:05:33.960 --> 1:05:38.360 that Tate could be with me, my husband, and we 1:05:38.360 --> 1:05:41.959 were in our home together and we got to hold him, 1:05:42.120 --> 1:05:44.920 and you know, he didn't have to go back to 1:05:44.920 --> 1:05:48.880 the hospital because going there was it was a scary 1:05:48.920 --> 1:05:51.080 thing for Mike could tell it was stressful because that's 1:05:51.120 --> 1:05:52.760 where they would take him away from me. And I 1:05:52.840 --> 1:05:54.560 knew he wanted to be with me. He was very 1:05:54.600 --> 1:05:57.080 attached to me, so I didn't want to have to 1:05:57.080 --> 1:05:59.800 take him back there. I didn't want him to have 1:05:59.840 --> 1:06:04.360 to pass in that environment, not to speak negative. It 1:06:04.360 --> 1:06:07.520 wasn't a negative space at all. It was actually very happy. 1:06:07.560 --> 1:06:10.040 It was a very beautiful space. The doctors were amazing there, 1:06:10.040 --> 1:06:14.000 and it was it was both. It was tough because 1:06:14.040 --> 1:06:16.160 it was what we were going through was so difficult, 1:06:16.160 --> 1:06:19.600 but they were so they were so amazing there. They 1:06:19.600 --> 1:06:22.800 were so positive, their energy was so great. So it 1:06:22.840 --> 1:06:24.800 wasn't that it was a dark, scary place. It's just 1:06:24.880 --> 1:06:27.800 I wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible. And 1:06:27.880 --> 1:06:30.160 I know that by him walking in there, he was 1:06:30.200 --> 1:06:32.440 like he would be like, oh no, like I'm in 1:06:32.480 --> 1:06:34.680 this place again. They're going to take me away from you, mom. 1:06:34.720 --> 1:06:36.320 So I didn't want to bring him back there, and 1:06:36.440 --> 1:06:39.160 I have to, you know, his last moments be in 1:06:39.200 --> 1:06:40.560 a place where he didn't know what was going to 1:06:40.560 --> 1:06:44.600 happen to him. So we did it at home and 1:06:45.360 --> 1:06:49.680 it was really special that I got to hold him 1:06:49.840 --> 1:06:52.320 and you know, come for him and be with him. 1:06:52.320 --> 1:06:54.160 That was the most important thing to me. I was 1:06:54.320 --> 1:06:57.760 I absolutely have to be there, like I have to 1:06:57.800 --> 1:07:00.520 be there. And I think he knew and I think 1:07:00.520 --> 1:07:03.440 he wanted me to be there, and he waited so 1:07:03.480 --> 1:07:05.520 that we could do we could do it together and 1:07:05.560 --> 1:07:16.960 we could be together. And it's it's a tough thing, 1:07:17.040 --> 1:07:23.160 you know, like having to, you know, witness someone die 1:07:23.520 --> 1:07:30.320 is not fun, especially him, you know, for me, he 1:07:30.600 --> 1:07:37.600 was he was everything to me. And just based off 1:07:37.640 --> 1:07:40.560 of that experience that I have with him, I know 1:07:40.640 --> 1:07:43.120 so many people probably have felt that way, have been 1:07:43.120 --> 1:07:47.840 in a similar situation, and I know it's it's really 1:07:47.880 --> 1:07:56.000 hard going through that. So I'm grateful for the way 1:07:56.040 --> 1:08:00.920 that everything happened with me with Tate. It's so crazy. 1:08:00.960 --> 1:08:07.120 They know, like they know these spiritual beings. I think 1:08:07.440 --> 1:08:10.240 animals they are more spiritual than us. They have so 1:08:10.400 --> 1:08:13.160 much more. They have different types of consciousness, I think 1:08:13.200 --> 1:08:17.400 than people do. He knew what I needed and he 1:08:17.520 --> 1:08:21.559 knew how I needed him to go, and he really 1:08:21.560 --> 1:08:27.320 did that for me. And it was really even though 1:08:27.320 --> 1:08:30.400 it was really tough, it was really also beautiful at 1:08:30.400 --> 1:08:32.600 the same time to be able to hold him in 1:08:32.600 --> 1:08:34.680 his last moments and he was there for me for 1:08:34.800 --> 1:08:37.040 every single moment, and I got to be there for 1:08:37.160 --> 1:08:39.920 him in this moment. He didn't feel fear, he didn't 1:08:39.960 --> 1:08:44.759 feel pain, he was I held him in my arms 1:08:44.760 --> 1:08:46.960 and I was you know, we were just I got 1:08:46.960 --> 1:08:50.320 to hold him, so he was very I know, he 1:08:50.400 --> 1:08:54.000 was comfortable, and I felt that with him, and that's 1:08:54.040 --> 1:08:55.920 why I wanted to be there, so I just could 1:08:55.960 --> 1:09:01.000 make sure that he felt nothing but comfort and no 1:09:01.200 --> 1:09:05.000 pain and just happiness and love like you can feel 1:09:05.040 --> 1:09:12.080 my love. So that's sort of you know, the story 1:09:12.080 --> 1:09:15.000 of Tate and his illness and his cancer and what 1:09:15.040 --> 1:09:18.040 you know, sort of what we went through. And you know, 1:09:19.600 --> 1:09:23.320 treating cancer is so expensive, even with insurance, and you know, 1:09:23.439 --> 1:09:27.320 part of why the Buddy Fund is something that we're 1:09:27.360 --> 1:09:30.639 so passionate about and why I feel like I want 1:09:30.680 --> 1:09:34.400 Tate and Taylor as a brand to be really cause 1:09:34.479 --> 1:09:37.800 driven and have an initiative and have a purpose and 1:09:37.840 --> 1:09:41.240 have a reason behind it is because of, you know, 1:09:41.280 --> 1:09:43.320 what I went through with Tate. I started building Tate 1:09:43.360 --> 1:09:45.960 and Taylor with him, not knowing that any of this 1:09:46.000 --> 1:09:49.839 would happen, and then before we even got to launch 1:09:50.320 --> 1:09:53.720 and start the company publicly, I lost him, and it 1:09:54.120 --> 1:09:56.439 shifted sort of a lot of the drive and some 1:09:56.560 --> 1:10:02.559 of the purpose that we have and having to decide 1:10:02.600 --> 1:10:08.200 between having a financial burden and being in a place 1:10:08.200 --> 1:10:10.080 where you may or may not be able to financially 1:10:10.080 --> 1:10:13.160 care for your pet and those last precious moments, the 1:10:13.160 --> 1:10:15.200 ones that even I know I got to have a Tait. 1:10:15.720 --> 1:10:20.679 Those last few weeks with him were the best weeks 1:10:20.840 --> 1:10:23.679 ever in my memory of my life with him, because 1:10:24.240 --> 1:10:26.200 he got to come to my wedding. He was back 1:10:26.200 --> 1:10:28.599 to himself for a little bit. These like special little 1:10:28.680 --> 1:10:31.240 things and times that we shared together. They were so 1:10:32.080 --> 1:10:34.920 important in how I was able to heal going forward 1:10:34.960 --> 1:10:37.920 once I did lose him. So I think being able 1:10:37.920 --> 1:10:40.240 to help support people who are going through this with 1:10:40.280 --> 1:10:45.320 their pets and go through cancer and that journey and 1:10:45.360 --> 1:10:48.320 that path and what that looks like is something I 1:10:48.439 --> 1:10:52.400 really I have such a passion for and something I 1:10:52.439 --> 1:10:55.120 really want to be able to help because I went 1:10:55.160 --> 1:10:56.680 through all of this with him, and I know what 1:10:56.720 --> 1:10:59.160 that feels like, and I know what that pain is 1:10:59.200 --> 1:11:02.519 and how out what that weight feels like, and what 1:11:02.520 --> 1:11:06.200 the grief feels like. How can I be there for 1:11:06.400 --> 1:11:08.439 other people and how can I help other people who 1:11:08.439 --> 1:11:10.320 are going through this so they never have to think 1:11:10.360 --> 1:11:13.800 about that? And that's why we picked the Buddy Fund, 1:11:13.920 --> 1:11:16.000 just because of the experience that I had with Tate 1:11:16.080 --> 1:11:18.800 at AMC and so many people I know so many 1:11:18.800 --> 1:11:23.040 people who've who've had that experience, and you know, I 1:11:23.040 --> 1:11:27.880 spoke with Tate's on collegist, doctor Rachel Lordhal, and you know, 1:11:27.920 --> 1:11:29.720 we posted it on the Tate and Taylor Instagram and 1:11:29.760 --> 1:11:31.160 I got a couple of comments that were, like, I 1:11:31.200 --> 1:11:34.000 love doctor Rachel. She was there for me with with 1:11:34.040 --> 1:11:37.679 my with my dog, and you know, she's amazing, and 1:11:37.800 --> 1:11:41.759 so people feel people feel it from them from that place, 1:11:41.840 --> 1:11:47.400 and that fund is so impactful because when you're going 1:11:47.400 --> 1:11:50.200 through something like that, to have to worry about whether 1:11:50.280 --> 1:11:52.400 or not you can afford care and whether or not 1:11:52.479 --> 1:11:56.080 you can even get those extra that extra time and 1:11:56.160 --> 1:11:58.639 just see how they're even going to respond to treatment. 1:11:59.680 --> 1:12:01.160 I mean, I can't even I don't even want to. 1:12:02.080 --> 1:12:04.200 Nobody wants to have to go there and make that decision. 1:12:04.520 --> 1:12:07.519 So I got so much support when I lost Tate, 1:12:07.560 --> 1:12:08.960 and I just want to do everything I can to 1:12:08.960 --> 1:12:11.840 support others because I know other people go through this 1:12:11.880 --> 1:12:14.240 and there are people in that position, and it breaks 1:12:14.280 --> 1:12:16.640 my heart to even think that somebody would have to 1:12:16.680 --> 1:12:23.280 go through Yeah, I just I can't. It's hard to 1:12:23.439 --> 1:12:25.840 verbalize that pain, and I because I can, I can 1:12:25.880 --> 1:12:29.120 so clearly visualize what that feeling could be and having 1:12:29.160 --> 1:12:32.439 to make that decision, and I got to make it 1:12:32.640 --> 1:12:35.600 when I did with Tate, and I'm I'm I'm so 1:12:35.680 --> 1:12:38.559 grateful that I was able to do that. And I 1:12:38.600 --> 1:12:40.920 just want to be able to share to like give 1:12:40.960 --> 1:12:43.240 that back, give that time, give it to others, Like 1:12:43.320 --> 1:12:49.280 how can I help give people more time with their soulmates? 1:12:49.560 --> 1:12:51.360 I guess Taylor. 1:12:51.439 --> 1:12:55.439 Thank you so much for opening up so intimately about 1:12:55.479 --> 1:13:01.759 that journey. And I remember seeing the beautiful and amazing 1:13:01.760 --> 1:13:05.440 pictures and memories you shared with Tay on social media, 1:13:06.800 --> 1:13:10.360 but to hear the actual journey behind it. Just thank 1:13:10.400 --> 1:13:12.720 you so much for being so open and giving. And 1:13:13.240 --> 1:13:21.040 I'm very confident that. I mean, I haven't lost a 1:13:21.080 --> 1:13:22.720 pet or a dog, and I don't know what that 1:13:22.760 --> 1:13:25.240 feels like. But even just sitting here listening to you, 1:13:25.320 --> 1:13:28.519 I know that anyone who has, or anyone who may 1:13:28.600 --> 1:13:31.519 do so in the future, will have this to turn 1:13:31.560 --> 1:13:35.200 to as a way of connecting with and to humanize 1:13:35.240 --> 1:13:39.559 their experience and also validate their experience of how deeply 1:13:39.600 --> 1:13:42.519 they love this friend in their life. And I wanted 1:13:42.560 --> 1:13:45.839 to ask you what would you two questions? 1:13:45.880 --> 1:13:46.439 What would you. 1:13:49.040 --> 1:13:53.280 For anyone who is grieving the loss of a pet, friend, 1:13:53.320 --> 1:13:55.880 a dog, like, what would you want them to know 1:13:56.240 --> 1:14:00.320 about the grieving process? And the second question is if 1:14:00.320 --> 1:14:03.240 someone has a friend or family member that's going through it, 1:14:03.600 --> 1:14:06.280 what would you like them to know in order to 1:14:06.280 --> 1:14:08.080 offer help or support to that person. 1:14:08.280 --> 1:14:11.280 I would say, if you're going through if you're going 1:14:11.280 --> 1:14:14.720 through this loss and you're you know, coping with this 1:14:14.920 --> 1:14:22.040 type of grief, I think patience, Just be patient with yourself. 1:14:23.080 --> 1:14:26.839 Feel it. You know, grief is like an ocean. Sometimes 1:14:26.840 --> 1:14:29.880 it's relentless, Sometimes it's calm. Sometimes the waves are huge 1:14:29.920 --> 1:14:33.639 and crashing. Sometimes it's completely still and beautiful and peaceful, 1:14:33.720 --> 1:14:37.879 and you know you're able to just float. So wherever 1:14:38.000 --> 1:14:42.760 you're at, where whatever your ocean is doing, just feel it, 1:14:42.840 --> 1:14:47.880 because one moment it'll feel really calm and you'll feel 1:14:47.960 --> 1:14:50.920 a sense of perspective, maybe a sense of peace, and 1:14:50.960 --> 1:14:52.960 then there'll be a memory, or you'll be in a 1:14:53.000 --> 1:14:55.560 situation where it brings something back up and then the 1:14:55.600 --> 1:14:58.840 waves come crashing in and you know that's okay. Sometimes 1:14:59.479 --> 1:15:03.560 you know, I'm I'm almost a year till to the 1:15:03.640 --> 1:15:07.800 day that I lost Hat and I'm not fully healed yet, 1:15:07.840 --> 1:15:09.960 and I think that's going to take maybe a couple 1:15:10.000 --> 1:15:12.200 more years to even feel like I can say I'm 1:15:12.240 --> 1:15:16.640 healed from that. I don't think I can ever. I 1:15:16.640 --> 1:15:19.599 don't think anyone ever necessarily moves on. And I think 1:15:19.640 --> 1:15:23.559 if they hear the words move on, don't take that, 1:15:24.800 --> 1:15:27.639 let that roll right off you, because that's not what 1:15:27.760 --> 1:15:30.760 maybe they mean to move on you. You may never 1:15:30.840 --> 1:15:34.680 move on. But to heal is different. You know, to 1:15:34.880 --> 1:15:38.599 heal a wound that so it no longer opens is 1:15:38.720 --> 1:15:41.080 a different thing. And I would say to make sure 1:15:41.080 --> 1:15:43.479 that you're doing the steps and taking care of yourself 1:15:43.479 --> 1:15:46.160 and the way you need to to heal, because it 1:15:46.240 --> 1:15:48.799 is a wound. You know, how would you go about 1:15:49.400 --> 1:15:51.920 if you broke your arm? You know, you would go 1:15:52.000 --> 1:15:54.760 to the doctor. You would you know, set it in 1:15:54.800 --> 1:15:56.479 a cast. You would do all these steps to make 1:15:56.479 --> 1:15:59.519 sure your arm could work again. So I think that 1:15:59.640 --> 1:16:04.080 losing someone is sort of it's it's a wound, it's 1:16:04.160 --> 1:16:07.080 in it's an internal wounds, it's a part, it's it 1:16:07.240 --> 1:16:10.320 breaks something in our spirit. So it's not something you 1:16:10.360 --> 1:16:13.000 can see, but it's something that needs addressing. It's something 1:16:13.040 --> 1:16:16.920 that needs help. It needs time. You know, however, you 1:16:17.120 --> 1:16:19.600 need to do that and whatever your process looks like 1:16:19.720 --> 1:16:25.320 to deal with healing just and if you don't know 1:16:25.360 --> 1:16:27.920 how to do that, I think talking to someone, I 1:16:27.960 --> 1:16:32.640 think anyone. It doesn't even have to be a therapist, 1:16:32.840 --> 1:16:34.160 you know, because I know a lot of people like 1:16:34.160 --> 1:16:35.960 to say go to therapy people. Some people don't have 1:16:36.000 --> 1:16:39.840 access to therapy yet, and that's okay, but talking about it, 1:16:39.960 --> 1:16:41.880 you know, if there's someone you can relate to, if 1:16:41.920 --> 1:16:44.160 you can find anyone in your life who will listen 1:16:44.160 --> 1:16:48.519 and help help you grieve, and you know, talk talk 1:16:48.560 --> 1:16:52.040 through it with you, writing about it, talking to yourself 1:16:52.080 --> 1:16:54.920 about it, if you if you prefer writing or journaling, 1:16:55.080 --> 1:16:57.200 or I think there's a couple of different ways to 1:16:57.240 --> 1:17:00.000 get started in terms of well, I don't even know 1:17:00.080 --> 1:17:01.880 how to heal? What does that mean? Taylor? Where do 1:17:01.920 --> 1:17:05.000 I start? What's the process? Look like? It's different for everyone? 1:17:05.080 --> 1:17:09.360 But I think you know, knowledge is power and learning, 1:17:09.400 --> 1:17:11.200 and if you don't know where to start, you can 1:17:11.240 --> 1:17:13.959 talk to someone and maybe ask a couple of questions, 1:17:14.080 --> 1:17:18.080 or ask yourself questions, or write things out and start 1:17:18.120 --> 1:17:20.640 really small and start there and then hopefully, you know, 1:17:20.720 --> 1:17:24.920 you can start growing on that and expanding on Okay, well, 1:17:25.080 --> 1:17:27.320 I this is what it means to heal, this is 1:17:27.560 --> 1:17:29.280 this is my process, this is how I'm going to 1:17:29.360 --> 1:17:31.960 do this, and you know, find the tools that work 1:17:32.000 --> 1:17:34.720 for you and or create the tools that work for you. 1:17:34.800 --> 1:17:38.439 Who knows, it's different for everybody. It's different for everybody. 1:17:38.520 --> 1:17:41.200 So however that looks like to you, whatever that feels 1:17:41.200 --> 1:17:44.760 like to you, as long as you're you're doing what 1:17:45.080 --> 1:17:47.600 you need to do to ultimately heal from it, I 1:17:47.640 --> 1:17:50.599 think that's a really a really great place to start, 1:17:50.800 --> 1:17:54.920 is just to start thinking about it from there. Don't 1:17:54.960 --> 1:17:58.559 worry about moving on or getting over it, or if 1:17:58.600 --> 1:18:01.320 the emotions are stronger sometimes in others, if they can 1:18:01.360 --> 1:18:03.760 be really unexpected, you know it can it hits you 1:18:03.840 --> 1:18:07.000 like a wave some days, and that's okay, feel it, 1:18:07.080 --> 1:18:10.000 sit there, right about it, think about it. I mean, 1:18:10.040 --> 1:18:11.360 if you want to ignore it for a little bit, 1:18:11.400 --> 1:18:13.160 you can, but you know, make sure you're always coming 1:18:13.200 --> 1:18:15.680 back to it and acknowledging it and addressing it, and 1:18:15.720 --> 1:18:18.920 then you can sort of like let it go and 1:18:18.960 --> 1:18:20.559 be like, Okay, I see you, I hear you, I 1:18:20.560 --> 1:18:24.479 feel you. We're gonna acknowledge that emotion and then we 1:18:24.520 --> 1:18:26.519 can let it go, and then I think that's like, 1:18:26.600 --> 1:18:30.080 those are really good ways to kind of start healing. 1:18:31.000 --> 1:18:31.880 Thank you for sharing that. 1:18:32.200 --> 1:18:35.520 And I loved what you were saying about people discovering 1:18:35.560 --> 1:18:39.280 their own tools, discovering their own way, not feeling like 1:18:39.320 --> 1:18:43.040 there has to be a set formula, and even listening 1:18:43.080 --> 1:18:46.080 to this conversation. And I do think I've been encouraging 1:18:46.120 --> 1:18:47.400 a lot of my friends to reach out to other 1:18:47.400 --> 1:18:50.800 people who've gone through similar experiences, because not that your 1:18:50.840 --> 1:18:57.080 healing will look the same, but that it feels necessary 1:18:57.200 --> 1:19:01.040 to sit with other people who you feel see you here, 1:19:01.160 --> 1:19:05.240 you understand you. And my friend told me something beautiful 1:19:05.240 --> 1:19:08.200 about grief that I don't think i'll ever forget. They 1:19:08.240 --> 1:19:12.080 said to me that grief is like a stone, and 1:19:12.720 --> 1:19:16.519 you carry it in your pocket and you'll always notice it, 1:19:16.640 --> 1:19:21.120 you'll feel it, you know it's there. But as time 1:19:21.200 --> 1:19:25.160 goes on, you get stronger, and so as you get stronger, 1:19:25.320 --> 1:19:27.320 it's not that the stone goes away. It's just that 1:19:27.360 --> 1:19:30.680 it gets lighter, and so it's lighter to carry. But 1:19:30.760 --> 1:19:33.000 it doesn't mean it's going away. You didn't move on, 1:19:33.200 --> 1:19:36.040 you didn't have to get over it. It doesn't disappear 1:19:36.120 --> 1:19:38.680 or it doesn't get smaller, it stays the same. You 1:19:38.760 --> 1:19:42.280 just get stronger, so the stone gets lighter. And I 1:19:42.360 --> 1:19:48.080 really appreciated that idea around grief because it sat true 1:19:48.080 --> 1:19:50.240 with me that it didn't have to go away. 1:19:50.880 --> 1:19:52.200 I didn't have to let go of it. 1:19:52.479 --> 1:19:55.080 I didn't have to forget about it, and that it 1:19:55.120 --> 1:19:57.680 would always be there. But just as I grow and 1:19:57.680 --> 1:20:00.439 as I strengthen and as I become more resilient, it 1:20:00.479 --> 1:20:04.120 becomes lighter and doesn't weigh on me in the same 1:20:04.120 --> 1:20:07.320 way as the heavy feeling of grief can in the beginning. Yeah, 1:20:07.960 --> 1:20:10.280 and so yeah. 1:20:09.960 --> 1:20:10.280 Thank you. 1:20:10.600 --> 1:20:14.960 I mean it sounds like you know, you shared with 1:20:15.040 --> 1:20:18.280 me before that there was something you wanted to share 1:20:18.320 --> 1:20:22.679 with our community here that you hadn't shared before. And 1:20:24.400 --> 1:20:27.760 when you mentioned it to me, there's something beautiful, you said, 1:20:27.800 --> 1:20:30.240 and it was this idea of how Tate has actually 1:20:30.280 --> 1:20:33.000 been with you through. 1:20:35.160 --> 1:20:36.920 Another loss in your life. 1:20:37.000 --> 1:20:41.519 And that's a journey that you haven't shared before. Could 1:20:41.520 --> 1:20:45.360 you walk us through how Tate was your best friend through. 1:20:45.200 --> 1:20:45.920 That journey too. 1:20:46.800 --> 1:20:53.240 So about three years ago, I had a miscarriage and 1:20:55.400 --> 1:21:03.200 I've I've never spoken about it before except for obviously 1:21:03.200 --> 1:21:07.559 two people in my life. And you know, my family 1:21:07.600 --> 1:21:12.519 knows and my close friends know, and I've shared it 1:21:12.560 --> 1:21:15.600 with you know, some people, and I do think, you know, 1:21:15.720 --> 1:21:18.479 talking about it is an important thing, but you know, 1:21:18.479 --> 1:21:20.760 I've never publicly spoken about it or said that I 1:21:20.800 --> 1:21:25.080 went through that. And you know, I kind of made 1:21:25.120 --> 1:21:29.080 the decision that I since I'm you know, talking about Tate, 1:21:29.120 --> 1:21:32.880 and I'm you know, starting this business based off of 1:21:33.840 --> 1:21:36.360 the love that we have for each other and how 1:21:36.360 --> 1:21:38.880 I want to be there for people. He was there 1:21:38.920 --> 1:21:41.640 for me in so many ways, and how can I, 1:21:41.680 --> 1:21:44.880 you know, share that without sharing something that I went 1:21:44.920 --> 1:21:47.320 through that he was there for me for and in 1:21:47.560 --> 1:21:52.519 grieving his loss, I'm grieving the shared experiences we've had 1:21:52.600 --> 1:21:56.679 and learning how to cope cope with something without him 1:21:56.800 --> 1:21:59.600 when he was there for me through that time in 1:21:59.640 --> 1:22:05.440 my life. I had. It was a really strange circumstance 1:22:05.520 --> 1:22:11.120 under which I had my miscarriage. I had an IUD. 1:22:11.840 --> 1:22:14.160 I had it for about three years, so I obviously, 1:22:14.240 --> 1:22:16.960 you know, I wasn't actively trying to get pregnant. I 1:22:17.000 --> 1:22:19.200 didn't want to get pregnant at all. I was you know, 1:22:19.280 --> 1:22:25.160 engaged to my husband, and you know, we were not 1:22:25.320 --> 1:22:27.880 planning on starting a family probably for you know, for 1:22:27.920 --> 1:22:30.599 a while. So I wasn't in the headspace at all 1:22:30.680 --> 1:22:36.280 to to be pregnant. And you know, I'm not really 1:22:36.280 --> 1:22:40.000 sure how it happens, because I don't I don't know 1:22:40.000 --> 1:22:42.760 how that works. I'm not a doctor, and I I 1:22:42.760 --> 1:22:45.479 didn't understand it, and sometimes I still don't under understand it, 1:22:45.960 --> 1:22:49.439 because you know, I'm pretty sure I could be wrong 1:22:49.439 --> 1:22:51.400 on this. I probably should have looked it up before 1:22:51.560 --> 1:22:54.000 I came in here so I could say exactly. But 1:22:55.600 --> 1:22:58.479 it's a really small percentage, like a small chance of 1:22:58.680 --> 1:23:01.080 getting pregnant on an IUD. It's like less than one 1:23:01.120 --> 1:23:03.280 percent or something like that, which is still you know, 1:23:03.439 --> 1:23:05.439 still a chance, like it can still happen, of course, 1:23:05.520 --> 1:23:09.000 but you it's some crazy things happened to someone in there. 1:23:09.160 --> 1:23:12.640 It's like that'll never happen to me. It happened to me. 1:23:12.720 --> 1:23:17.639 I got pregnant on an IUD, and I was shocked 1:23:18.240 --> 1:23:21.120 and I was sad. I didn't want to be pregnant. 1:23:21.160 --> 1:23:24.040 I wasn't ready to be pregnant. I didn't understand what 1:23:24.120 --> 1:23:26.519 it meant to be pregnant with an IUD. I didn't 1:23:26.520 --> 1:23:29.280 know what that meant. I didn't know what my journey 1:23:29.280 --> 1:23:31.479 with this pregnancy would look like. I was so scared. 1:23:31.600 --> 1:23:38.160 I was terrified. And also it was still during COVID, 1:23:38.360 --> 1:23:41.960 so my husband was in he wasn't able to be 1:23:42.000 --> 1:23:45.200 with me. He was in London and he was you know, 1:23:45.280 --> 1:23:47.519 kind of not allowed to travel into the US. So 1:23:48.280 --> 1:23:51.439 I I've found he was with me in the beginning 1:23:51.479 --> 1:23:54.640 of COVID, in the pandemic, but because he's British, you know, 1:23:54.840 --> 1:23:58.360 he was on an ESTA and they were getting people 1:23:58.960 --> 1:24:01.920 out on tourists visas, so his exception to fly out 1:24:02.040 --> 1:24:04.720 was so he didn't overstay his ESTA, because that's the 1:24:04.800 --> 1:24:06.680 last thing we wanted. We were, you know, planning on 1:24:06.680 --> 1:24:09.920 getting married, like we can't get marks on, you know, 1:24:09.960 --> 1:24:13.000 all that stuff. So he left the country because he 1:24:13.080 --> 1:24:17.040 had to, and so then we were separated and we 1:24:17.040 --> 1:24:19.519 were no longer able to be together. Probably I don't 1:24:19.560 --> 1:24:22.559 think I saw him for maybe another couple of months 1:24:22.560 --> 1:24:27.800 after that. So he he wasn't with me when I 1:24:27.840 --> 1:24:31.559 found out I was pregnant, and that was really hard 1:24:31.560 --> 1:24:34.200 for both of us because all you want to do 1:24:34.800 --> 1:24:38.439 when you're going through something like that, as shocking and 1:24:38.560 --> 1:24:40.479 unexpected as it was for the both of us, is 1:24:40.520 --> 1:24:42.600 to be there with each other. You know, I know 1:24:42.680 --> 1:24:46.080 he wanted more than anything in the world to hold 1:24:46.120 --> 1:24:47.840 my hand, like tell me it's going to be okay, 1:24:48.040 --> 1:24:51.160 Like hold me, and you know that's all I wanted 1:24:51.200 --> 1:24:55.960 to and I couldn't be with him. And Tate was 1:24:55.960 --> 1:24:58.880 with me though, you know he was. We were together, 1:24:59.000 --> 1:25:02.479 and I'm so great that I had him physically to 1:25:02.560 --> 1:25:05.439 be there with me physically. You know, my husband was 1:25:05.439 --> 1:25:08.600 there for me in every way that he possibly could be, 1:25:09.080 --> 1:25:14.560 but I had the physical connection that that holding, that comforting, 1:25:14.600 --> 1:25:16.240 you know, that's something that you need in that space. 1:25:16.280 --> 1:25:19.000 I it was breaking both of our hearts that we 1:25:19.040 --> 1:25:21.519 didn't have that you know, couldn't do that, and I 1:25:21.560 --> 1:25:24.680 think it both gave us like comfort knowing that I 1:25:24.680 --> 1:25:27.559 had take with me for that. You know, I had 1:25:27.560 --> 1:25:30.840 to go to my doctor's appointments alone. I you know, 1:25:31.520 --> 1:25:34.120 went in to make sure that I didn't have and 1:25:34.200 --> 1:25:38.639 what's called an ectopic pregnancy, which is when the embryo 1:25:38.680 --> 1:25:43.200 attaches itself in the fillipian tube. My pregnancy was in 1:25:43.240 --> 1:25:46.160 my uterus, so it was viable, it was technically healthy, 1:25:46.320 --> 1:25:50.360 but the circumstances in the environment on which I got 1:25:50.680 --> 1:25:55.040 which I conceived was a bit of a turbulent environment. 1:25:55.320 --> 1:25:57.760 So you know, my doctor said, we don't really know 1:25:57.800 --> 1:25:59.680 what's going to happen here, because you know, you can 1:25:59.720 --> 1:26:03.160 see in an environment where your body is telling you 1:26:03.160 --> 1:26:05.760 you shouldn't be pregnant because of the IUD, because of 1:26:05.800 --> 1:26:09.439 the hormones the idea is putting into your body. And 1:26:10.040 --> 1:26:13.839 also if we remove it, then you know we're changing 1:26:13.880 --> 1:26:17.080 again the environment on which you conceived. So you know, 1:26:17.640 --> 1:26:21.920 it's we don't know fifty to fifty of whether or 1:26:21.960 --> 1:26:28.600 not you're gonna you know, carry this out. So it 1:26:28.680 --> 1:26:30.519 was really just a waiting game to see if it 1:26:30.560 --> 1:26:34.120 would stick or not. And I was given a couple 1:26:34.120 --> 1:26:38.280 of markers of you know, come back at about six 1:26:38.320 --> 1:26:42.120 and a half weeks and we can do internal ultrasound 1:26:42.200 --> 1:26:44.920 and you know, check everything out and see how it's going. 1:26:45.439 --> 1:26:47.800 So you know, I'm I'm waiting another week or so. 1:26:47.840 --> 1:26:51.200 I go back in they do the internal ultrasound or 1:26:51.680 --> 1:26:56.760 able to like hear a heartbeat, and you know, at 1:26:56.760 --> 1:26:59.640 this point, I'm like, oh my gosh, like what is 1:26:59.640 --> 1:27:01.800 happening to me? This is so crazy. I'm going through 1:27:01.800 --> 1:27:05.439 all these things. I have a photo, I have the 1:27:06.000 --> 1:27:08.760 picture you know of the ultrasound, like that's so great. 1:27:08.880 --> 1:27:10.599 It was like this big you know what I mean. 1:27:11.160 --> 1:27:16.240 And so I'm at a place in my life where okay, 1:27:16.240 --> 1:27:18.559 maybe I wasn't planning to get pregnant, and I wasn't 1:27:19.240 --> 1:27:22.360 I wasn't ultimately excited about it. At first. I was scared, 1:27:22.520 --> 1:27:27.320 not excited. I was shocked, I was confused, I was 1:27:27.400 --> 1:27:31.800 feeling fear. I wasn't feeling joy. But at the same time, 1:27:31.880 --> 1:27:34.120 I'm going to marry this person. I'm in love with 1:27:34.160 --> 1:27:36.519 this person. I want to have a family with this person. 1:27:37.120 --> 1:27:43.639 I'm twenty was I twenty five or was I twenty four? 1:27:43.760 --> 1:27:46.599 I think I was twenty five. I'm twenty five. That's 1:27:46.640 --> 1:27:50.240 still young. But you know it's I feel somewhat ready 1:27:50.280 --> 1:27:52.680 if I was to have a child. Okay, So I'm 1:27:52.680 --> 1:27:54.640 going to start getting in the headspace now of I 1:27:54.640 --> 1:27:57.719 think I'm gonna if this pregnancy sticks around, like I'm 1:27:57.920 --> 1:28:01.160 gonna have a child, Okay, Oh gosh. So it's like 1:28:01.160 --> 1:28:04.400 I'm coming to so many different so many terms of 1:28:04.479 --> 1:28:07.800 acceptance here where I'm just like, okay, but I can't 1:28:07.800 --> 1:28:09.840 get too excited because we don't know what's going to happen. 1:28:09.880 --> 1:28:12.000 I have to pass all of these milestones to make 1:28:12.040 --> 1:28:13.719 sure if this is going to be a healthy pregnancy 1:28:13.800 --> 1:28:18.439 or not. So I get to about roughly nine weeks, 1:28:18.600 --> 1:28:21.639 and you know, she's like, okay, well we're getting closer. 1:28:22.080 --> 1:28:25.040 You know, she's optimistic that this could be happening. You know, 1:28:25.240 --> 1:28:29.080 usually it's about twelve to fourteen weeks when you start 1:28:29.120 --> 1:28:34.040 telling people. So I'm like, oh my god, it's getting closer, 1:28:34.120 --> 1:28:38.559 like maybe this is going to happen. And I'm starting 1:28:38.600 --> 1:28:42.559 to accept that this is going to happen. It's still 1:28:42.600 --> 1:28:45.200 really early though, so of course not too excited. I'm 1:28:45.240 --> 1:28:50.160 not at that that check mark yet. And then I 1:28:50.320 --> 1:28:56.920 start spotting, but it was it was like it wasn't 1:28:56.920 --> 1:28:59.240 bright red, it wasn't blood yet. And so then the 1:28:59.240 --> 1:29:01.360 doctor was like, well that it's normal. Sometimes that happens, 1:29:01.360 --> 1:29:04.240 you know, there's spotting with pregnancy. It's just your body adjusting. 1:29:04.320 --> 1:29:07.840 So oh, we'll just keep an eye on it. In 1:29:07.920 --> 1:29:11.840 about a week goes by, and and then I start 1:29:11.880 --> 1:29:16.559 seeing what looks like fresh blood and that's this, you know, 1:29:16.600 --> 1:29:18.200 that's what she told me to look out for. And 1:29:18.240 --> 1:29:21.760 that's like kind of the early signs and of what 1:29:22.040 --> 1:29:25.960 ultimately will be a miscarriage, so that starts happening, and 1:29:26.000 --> 1:29:31.200 you know, I'm I'm alone in my house, and you know, 1:29:31.439 --> 1:29:34.519 at least I have tate with me, and I call 1:29:34.600 --> 1:29:38.160 my husband and you know, I'm just devastated because I 1:29:38.200 --> 1:29:40.000 know that this is about to happen to me. And 1:29:40.080 --> 1:29:43.640 we're both crying and he's I could just tell he 1:29:43.920 --> 1:29:52.360 was so heartbroken that he couldn't be there. I think 1:29:52.400 --> 1:29:55.400 that was really painful for him too, you know, for 1:29:55.479 --> 1:29:59.000 both of us. And I've never spoken about it either, 1:29:59.120 --> 1:30:02.120 so like to the sixth done, so I I have 1:30:02.280 --> 1:30:05.240 with my family. So this is also new for me 1:30:05.320 --> 1:30:12.759 to do this. It's like reprocessing again. I'm going through 1:30:14.080 --> 1:30:19.840 the physical reaction of having the miscarriage. And it takes 1:30:19.840 --> 1:30:21.960 some time, like you know, what's happening. While it's happening, 1:30:21.960 --> 1:30:23.760 it doesn't just like happen and then it's done like 1:30:23.760 --> 1:30:27.080 it's It takes a long time. It can be painful. 1:30:27.760 --> 1:30:31.759 It feels like a period cramps, but like your worst 1:30:31.800 --> 1:30:36.919 period cramps you've ever had, and you know, ultimately it passes. 1:30:36.960 --> 1:30:39.640 And I have to make all these doctors, doctor's appointments. 1:30:39.720 --> 1:30:44.200 I I have to, you know, make sure everything's Okay, 1:30:44.280 --> 1:30:48.000 make sure I'm healthy and all that. So, you know, 1:30:48.200 --> 1:30:50.920 right after dealing with with this loss, you have to 1:30:50.960 --> 1:30:54.360 click into this motive I have to do all these things, 1:30:54.400 --> 1:30:56.040 and I have to make sure I do this, and 1:30:56.160 --> 1:30:58.559 I do that, and logistics of getting to the doctor 1:30:58.640 --> 1:31:02.160 and like making sure and checking and making sure it 1:31:02.200 --> 1:31:06.600 was clean and everything that needed to pass past. So 1:31:08.240 --> 1:31:11.040 you know, I kind of went into take care of 1:31:11.040 --> 1:31:19.799 it mode, and I just remember feeling so confused because 1:31:22.160 --> 1:31:24.880 it was really just like a rollercoaster of emotion of 1:31:26.160 --> 1:31:29.360 I didn't I didn't even know. I didn't even want this. 1:31:29.760 --> 1:31:34.599 I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't planning on having a child. 1:31:34.680 --> 1:31:38.200 I was doing to the best of my ability. You know, 1:31:38.240 --> 1:31:40.559 the IUD is one of the best forms of birth control, 1:31:40.600 --> 1:31:44.000 one of the most efficient forms of birth control, and 1:31:44.520 --> 1:31:49.880 you know, I I was very confused. I was like, 1:31:49.920 --> 1:31:53.519 why is this happening? This is so wild. I can't believe. 1:31:54.200 --> 1:31:59.040 I can't believe this. I didn't I didn't want to 1:31:59.680 --> 1:32:05.280 miss be pregnant. And then okay, I make past a 1:32:05.280 --> 1:32:07.600 couple of checkpoints and I'm starting to feel a little like, 1:32:07.640 --> 1:32:09.519 oh gosh, it's going to happen. I'm starting to process 1:32:09.560 --> 1:32:14.120 emotions of coming to terms with this, like you do 1:32:14.160 --> 1:32:17.280 get excited. I wasn't allowing myself to get fully excited 1:32:17.400 --> 1:32:19.559 or to like be too optimistic about it. I tried 1:32:19.560 --> 1:32:21.639 to stay as neutral as I possibly could, but it's 1:32:21.960 --> 1:32:25.040 it's difficult. You know, you can't you can't control some 1:32:25.120 --> 1:32:27.080 of these things. I mean, this is what I'm feeling. 1:32:27.160 --> 1:32:30.599 So you know, I was like, Okay, well, oh my gosh, 1:32:30.680 --> 1:32:33.400 like is this happening? Like whoa? So then there's a 1:32:33.439 --> 1:32:36.679 little bit of excitement, and then you know, some joy 1:32:36.720 --> 1:32:42.400 because like I want a family, I'm excited to have children, 1:32:42.120 --> 1:32:45.360 and then I lose the pregnancy. You know, it was 1:32:45.400 --> 1:32:50.000 early still like when I lost it, so I wasn't 1:32:50.080 --> 1:32:54.040 luckily fully in the headspace of, oh my god, this 1:32:54.120 --> 1:32:58.160 is one hundred percent happening. So in terms of the timeline, 1:32:58.200 --> 1:33:00.800 I am really grateful that I hadn't come to terms 1:33:00.800 --> 1:33:03.719 with it yet. But I was still really confused because 1:33:03.760 --> 1:33:07.160 I was like whoa, processing this emotion of feeling like 1:33:08.040 --> 1:33:10.360 I don't even want this to maybe this is happening, 1:33:10.400 --> 1:33:14.679 and feeling some excitement and maybe some joy and then lost. 1:33:14.760 --> 1:33:18.719 It was so strange and it was just all the things. 1:33:18.920 --> 1:33:21.680 You know, It was really just two things can be 1:33:21.720 --> 1:33:24.960 true at once. Kind of a thing where you feel 1:33:24.960 --> 1:33:31.960 these emotions that are one is honestly even with some 1:33:32.080 --> 1:33:37.160 time and some space now and some perspective relief. Wow, 1:33:37.200 --> 1:33:40.240 the timing wasn't right. You know, everything happens for a reason. 1:33:40.520 --> 1:33:43.400 I wasn't ready to be a mother, I wasn't ready 1:33:43.400 --> 1:33:48.800 to have a child. I'm absolutely devastated. I'm not a 1:33:48.840 --> 1:33:51.400 mother and I don't have a child. Well, that makes 1:33:51.439 --> 1:33:53.280 no sense. How can you feel both of those things? 1:33:53.360 --> 1:33:55.720 I don't know. They both sit once it's on this 1:33:55.800 --> 1:33:57.320 set of my brain and once it's on this side 1:33:57.320 --> 1:33:59.400 of the brain, and they fight with each other. And 1:33:59.439 --> 1:34:02.040 I don't And it took me a really long time 1:34:02.080 --> 1:34:05.840 to understand how to deal with that. I don't know 1:34:05.960 --> 1:34:08.720 how to talk about this. How do I make this 1:34:08.800 --> 1:34:15.200 make sense? And I think in terms of you know, miscarriages, 1:34:15.240 --> 1:34:18.160 sometimes they don't make sense, not it doesn't make any sense. 1:34:18.240 --> 1:34:20.439 And I think a lot of women go through that. 1:34:20.520 --> 1:34:24.000 I think it's something like one in three women experience miscarriage, 1:34:24.320 --> 1:34:30.040 so and some women multiple and some women who've never 1:34:30.360 --> 1:34:33.479 had one, like myself. You know, when I first got pregnant. 1:34:33.479 --> 1:34:37.200 It's like this, you have this sort of you don't 1:34:37.240 --> 1:34:40.200 know that that's a possibility, right, So it's it's like, oh, 1:34:40.520 --> 1:34:42.519 it can be really exciting. And I think a lot 1:34:42.520 --> 1:34:44.320 of women when they get pregnant for the first time 1:34:44.439 --> 1:34:48.960 feel excited and optimistic and hopeful and oh my god, 1:34:48.960 --> 1:34:50.880 I'm going to have a child right away. So the 1:34:50.920 --> 1:34:55.719 blow of a miscarriage is so devastating. Wait a minute, 1:34:55.720 --> 1:34:59.679 what I didn't what happened? I thought I was having 1:34:59.680 --> 1:35:03.080 a try Everyone has a baby. How do people have babies? 1:35:03.200 --> 1:35:07.280 Like this is crazy? How is this happening? To be 1:35:07.400 --> 1:35:10.519 pregnant is such a complicated thing. It's so wild, the 1:35:10.520 --> 1:35:13.720 fact that we can even get pregnant, you know. And 1:35:14.200 --> 1:35:19.240 I think it really helped me feel less alone, knowing 1:35:19.280 --> 1:35:22.040 that it was something that was quite common and that 1:35:22.120 --> 1:35:27.040 a lot of women do go through it, and it 1:35:27.200 --> 1:35:32.679 just it. But then you know something that I felt 1:35:33.200 --> 1:35:35.280 that was difficult to hear in the very beginning that 1:35:35.400 --> 1:35:39.200 being said, when I did very first lose my pregnancy, 1:35:39.240 --> 1:35:42.120 it was like, well, you know, don't worry, this happens 1:35:42.160 --> 1:35:44.160 to a lot of people. You're not alone. It was like, 1:35:45.040 --> 1:35:47.000 I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to hear. 1:35:47.120 --> 1:35:50.080 This happens all the time, like you know, I was 1:35:50.439 --> 1:35:53.200 so upset. I was like, what do you mean? So 1:35:53.520 --> 1:35:55.960 I shouldn't feel upset that this happened to me, because 1:35:56.000 --> 1:36:01.360 it happens to a lot of people. So I'm trying. Sorry, 1:36:01.360 --> 1:36:04.200 I'm trying to articulate, and it's a very difficult thing 1:36:04.320 --> 1:36:07.799 to articulate, specifically because I think it is very intricate 1:36:07.800 --> 1:36:11.800 and it can be very difficult and complicated to speak 1:36:11.840 --> 1:36:16.839 about something like that. So because there's so many powerful, 1:36:16.920 --> 1:36:20.320 really you know, strong emotions that are happening in your 1:36:20.320 --> 1:36:25.200 physical body and in your emotional self as well. So 1:36:25.439 --> 1:36:28.000 I was always torn with they're trying to help me 1:36:28.080 --> 1:36:30.559 by saying this, but it didn't help me to hear that. 1:36:31.160 --> 1:36:33.640 So if I'm saying that now three years later, I 1:36:33.680 --> 1:36:36.800 do have perspective and it did eventually become helpful to 1:36:36.840 --> 1:36:41.240 hear I'm not alone. One in three women have miscarriages. 1:36:41.280 --> 1:36:44.840 This happens to people. It's going to be okay. If 1:36:44.880 --> 1:36:49.240 someone's listening and they're not ready to hear that, I 1:36:49.360 --> 1:36:54.320 feel that I've been there, like, no, this sucks. It 1:36:54.560 --> 1:36:56.880 sucks that one in three women go through it. It 1:36:57.080 --> 1:36:58.760 sucks that it's something that we have to deal with. 1:36:58.800 --> 1:37:01.680 Sometimes you need to hear that, you know. So I've 1:37:02.120 --> 1:37:04.000 been in a place and I've been in positions where 1:37:04.040 --> 1:37:07.520 I needed to feel both like I'm mad, I'm confused, 1:37:07.560 --> 1:37:09.559 why is this happening to me? Why is my body 1:37:09.600 --> 1:37:14.120 doing this? I felt a sense of failure. I felt 1:37:14.120 --> 1:37:17.760 a sense of betrayal of my own body, of my 1:37:17.800 --> 1:37:21.200 own self. I felt like and I wanted to feel 1:37:21.240 --> 1:37:23.200 those things. I didn't want to hear, Well, it happens 1:37:23.240 --> 1:37:27.080 to one in three women. I'm like, I'm mad at myself. 1:37:27.280 --> 1:37:29.240 Like it's okay, It's okay to be mad at yourself. 1:37:29.240 --> 1:37:32.000 You don't have to get over it right away and 1:37:32.200 --> 1:37:34.439 accept that it happens to one in three women. So 1:37:36.200 --> 1:37:39.479 wherever you're at in you know your journey of dealing 1:37:39.479 --> 1:37:45.599 with these emotions and processing. You know, I've felt those things. 1:37:45.600 --> 1:37:49.720 I've been angry, I've felt confused, I felt relief, I 1:37:49.840 --> 1:37:54.000 felt pain, and none of it made any sense. I 1:37:54.040 --> 1:37:57.120 was like, what how do I how do I deal 1:37:57.160 --> 1:38:00.519 with this? And again, you know, it's it goes back 1:38:00.560 --> 1:38:02.800 to sort of something similar and when I lost Tate, 1:38:02.880 --> 1:38:06.559 I just sort of started talking to people. I spoke 1:38:06.600 --> 1:38:08.439 to one of my best friends in the whole world, 1:38:08.479 --> 1:38:13.240 and I with the day it happened, I just sobbed 1:38:13.320 --> 1:38:19.280 to her and she held me, you know, and you 1:38:19.320 --> 1:38:22.559 know she experienced this loss as well, not shortly after me. 1:38:23.439 --> 1:38:28.960 And I think that when I knew she was going 1:38:28.960 --> 1:38:32.519 through what I had been through, and she held me 1:38:32.600 --> 1:38:35.240 and I held her and we were talking about it 1:38:35.280 --> 1:38:37.720 with each other. I think that's when I got to 1:38:37.760 --> 1:38:41.360 a place when I was starting ready to hear this 1:38:41.439 --> 1:38:43.920 happens to one in three women, and then I wanted 1:38:43.920 --> 1:38:46.839 to learn about it more and understand the technical reasons 1:38:46.880 --> 1:38:49.839 why this happens. And you know, it's not my fault. 1:38:50.680 --> 1:38:53.960 My body didn't fail me. You know, it wasn't a 1:38:54.000 --> 1:38:57.880 viable pregnancy, it wasn't healthy, it wasn't meant to happen. 1:38:58.360 --> 1:39:02.320 I don't I'll never really know why it happened. It 1:39:02.360 --> 1:39:05.000 could be a multitude of things. I got priden on 1:39:05.040 --> 1:39:08.599 an iud you know, that's probably number one reason why 1:39:08.600 --> 1:39:12.040 I didn't come come to fruition. So you know, I 1:39:12.120 --> 1:39:15.280 did have some things to ground me in my grief 1:39:15.320 --> 1:39:18.240 of Okay, well, this happened because of this reason. Some 1:39:18.360 --> 1:39:21.679 women don't get that answer, and they don't know why, 1:39:21.800 --> 1:39:24.800 and maybe it happens them a lot later in their pregnancies. 1:39:24.840 --> 1:39:27.680 And there's so many different levels and variations of what 1:39:27.720 --> 1:39:30.160 it means to have a miscarriage, and so many different 1:39:30.280 --> 1:39:33.559 variables and versions of what a miscarriage looks like and 1:39:33.640 --> 1:39:37.559 what a miscarriage feels like. To those people, all I 1:39:37.600 --> 1:39:41.960 can say is my own personal experience and all the 1:39:42.000 --> 1:39:44.920 things I was feeling during that time, and know that, 1:39:46.160 --> 1:39:51.920 you know, three years later, I have so much more perspective, 1:39:51.960 --> 1:39:56.720 and I've given myself so much time to heal from that, 1:39:57.520 --> 1:40:02.559 and it no longer feels like an open, gaping wound. 1:40:03.160 --> 1:40:08.559 It feels like a scar. It's definitely still with me. 1:40:08.760 --> 1:40:11.840 There's a mark there. It happened to me. It's more 1:40:11.840 --> 1:40:14.479 of a you know, another mark on my spirit maybe, 1:40:14.479 --> 1:40:21.680 But I have perspective from it, I have healing from it. 1:40:21.760 --> 1:40:24.080 I really feel like I gave myself a lot of 1:40:24.120 --> 1:40:28.960 time to feel everything I know I needed to feel 1:40:29.000 --> 1:40:32.719 for myself. And I think it's important for other women 1:40:32.760 --> 1:40:37.880 to hear from others that it's something that we go through. 1:40:39.160 --> 1:40:43.639 And I didn't know if I would ever publicly talk 1:40:43.680 --> 1:40:46.479 about it. But you know, I lost Tate and I'm 1:40:46.520 --> 1:40:48.920 talking about grief and he was such a huge part 1:40:49.040 --> 1:40:51.559 of my journey and my life and he helped me 1:40:51.600 --> 1:40:54.120 deal with grief and he's been a huge part of 1:40:54.160 --> 1:40:56.920 you know, my mental health and being there for me. 1:40:57.000 --> 1:40:59.639 And I think there's something there with you know, having 1:40:59.640 --> 1:41:02.840 that can to an animal and mental health and what 1:41:02.880 --> 1:41:05.479 they can do for our mental health. I mean, there's 1:41:05.880 --> 1:41:09.320 therapy dogs for a reason and horse therapy, and there's 1:41:09.320 --> 1:41:11.760 a reason why people connect to animals so strongly, and 1:41:11.800 --> 1:41:13.880 there's something there and there's something that's healing and being 1:41:13.920 --> 1:41:17.800 around them, you know, and he was such a huge 1:41:17.800 --> 1:41:20.920 part of that healing, and in losing him, it did 1:41:21.120 --> 1:41:24.719 it did hurt me in that area that previous injury 1:41:25.280 --> 1:41:28.080 in my spirit that I had from the miscarriage. It 1:41:28.200 --> 1:41:32.640 was someone that was with me so closely and so 1:41:32.720 --> 1:41:36.800 deeply for something so difficult is no longer here. I 1:41:36.800 --> 1:41:40.400 can no longer hold him, and you know, feel comforted 1:41:40.400 --> 1:41:43.600 from the wave of emotions that maybe come back from 1:41:44.360 --> 1:41:48.880 having this, having the miscarriage, So you know, it's it's 1:41:48.920 --> 1:41:53.080 all connected, and you know, sometimes it can be painful 1:41:53.200 --> 1:41:56.680 and it can be hurtful and even though it's a 1:41:57.439 --> 1:41:59.840 it is a scar on me now and it's what 1:42:00.080 --> 1:42:03.519 I feel healed and I feel optimistic and I've I've 1:42:03.560 --> 1:42:06.880 grown a lot from it, and you know, do you 1:42:06.920 --> 1:42:08.960 feel like I've kind of come out on the other 1:42:09.040 --> 1:42:12.599 side of going through that. It's still a tender spot, 1:42:12.600 --> 1:42:14.240 you know what I mean. It's like if it's poked, 1:42:14.280 --> 1:42:17.120 it kind of hurts. It's like, oh, that was that's 1:42:17.200 --> 1:42:19.439 from that, you know, you know, I can only I 1:42:19.680 --> 1:42:21.599 have never I've never broken a bone, crazy enough as 1:42:21.640 --> 1:42:23.840 it is, so I can imagine it's maybe similar to 1:42:23.840 --> 1:42:25.759 if you break a bone in your body, it's still 1:42:26.160 --> 1:42:29.400 hurts maybe later in life, and you feel aches and 1:42:29.400 --> 1:42:31.760 pains and all of these things. So it's it's an 1:42:31.800 --> 1:42:34.800 injury that I've feel like my spirit's endured and it's 1:42:34.800 --> 1:42:38.639 still there, but I've really worked through it and worked 1:42:38.680 --> 1:42:41.920 through healing, and I think there's a light at the 1:42:42.040 --> 1:42:45.920 end of the tunnel in terms of if you're going 1:42:46.000 --> 1:42:50.719 through through that. It takes time, and who knows. Maybe 1:42:50.760 --> 1:42:53.000 now I maybe I think I'm heeled, and I'm maybe 1:42:53.040 --> 1:42:57.480 fully not. I don't know. I feel confident and comfortable 1:42:57.600 --> 1:42:59.960 enough to speak about it, so maybe that's a layer 1:43:00.160 --> 1:43:03.160 and a step towards, like towards healing. Maybe we're never 1:43:03.200 --> 1:43:07.280 fully done healing and growing from things. I mean, we're 1:43:07.360 --> 1:43:09.800 never done growing. We grow forever, never and never until 1:43:09.840 --> 1:43:12.720 the day we die. So it might evolve and it 1:43:12.760 --> 1:43:16.840 might change going forward, and you know, it might continue 1:43:16.880 --> 1:43:19.519 and shift, and I can maybe look back on where 1:43:19.520 --> 1:43:22.120 I'm at today and think I still had some work 1:43:22.160 --> 1:43:23.640 to do and I wasn't aware of it yet. So 1:43:24.520 --> 1:43:26.679 you know, we'll kind of we'll see where it goes. 1:43:26.720 --> 1:43:28.240 But you know, kind of where I'm at now is 1:43:28.360 --> 1:43:33.560 this is the headspace that I'm in. I feel comfortable 1:43:33.640 --> 1:43:36.679 and you know, confident enough to sort of talk about 1:43:36.720 --> 1:43:39.759 it and talk about you know, what happened and share 1:43:39.800 --> 1:43:43.920 it and hope that others can maybe connect with it 1:43:44.040 --> 1:43:49.760 and feel not alone. I know it's it can feel isolating, 1:43:49.840 --> 1:43:51.680 especially if there's no one in your life that's been 1:43:51.720 --> 1:43:53.280 through it and you don't feel like you have somebody 1:43:53.280 --> 1:43:57.040 to connect to. So hopefully it just helps. And I 1:43:57.040 --> 1:43:58.880 feel like that's kind of why I wanted to share 1:43:58.920 --> 1:44:01.960 that was just because you know, the many layers of 1:44:02.000 --> 1:44:05.720 grief and in my loss, I've felt lost before, and 1:44:05.760 --> 1:44:09.639 I lost someone that went through me, through that loss 1:44:09.680 --> 1:44:12.920 with me, So I kind of just wanted to touch 1:44:12.920 --> 1:44:15.080 on both of those things just because I know they 1:44:15.080 --> 1:44:17.679 can be It's something that a lot of people go through, 1:44:17.680 --> 1:44:20.320 losing a pet, losing a loved one, and then obviously, 1:44:20.680 --> 1:44:24.360 you know, losing a pregnancy and going through a miscarriage. 1:44:24.400 --> 1:44:28.800 And so thank you for the courage and bravery to 1:44:28.840 --> 1:44:31.439 share that with us here today for the first time 1:44:31.479 --> 1:44:36.479 publicly beyond friends and family. And when I was listening 1:44:36.520 --> 1:44:40.360 to Taylor, I was just thinking, like, I appreciate just 1:44:40.640 --> 1:44:44.559 the level of complexity and layers that you're willing to 1:44:44.960 --> 1:44:48.080 kind of look at this from, whether it's personally, others, everyone. 1:44:48.160 --> 1:44:50.240 I mean, I was saying to you that I've had 1:44:51.000 --> 1:44:55.040 multiple friends in the last two to three years who've 1:44:55.080 --> 1:45:00.840 all experienced a miscarriage, and I to them and I'll 1:45:00.840 --> 1:45:07.400 hear from them, and I see so much just stress, 1:45:07.439 --> 1:45:15.479 overwhelmed pressure, self degradation, like you know, just negative self 1:45:15.520 --> 1:45:17.960 talk like there's it's it's it's one of the hardest 1:45:18.000 --> 1:45:20.120 things to go through. Even if everyone goes through as 1:45:20.160 --> 1:45:23.160 you say, not everyone, but so many people go through it, 1:45:23.160 --> 1:45:26.080 it doesn't make it any easier. And often actually, like 1:45:26.120 --> 1:45:27.920 you said, it makes you so lonely that you don't 1:45:27.920 --> 1:45:31.479 want to talk to anyone about it, and it's it's 1:45:31.520 --> 1:45:34.080 not comforting to know other people have gone through it. 1:45:34.160 --> 1:45:37.200 And I wonder, in that lonely phase, like what was 1:45:37.280 --> 1:45:40.240 it that did help you? And even when your friend 1:45:40.280 --> 1:45:42.760 went through it, what allowed you to be there for 1:45:42.840 --> 1:45:45.559 each other in a way that was comforting and helpful 1:45:45.720 --> 1:45:49.920 rather than felt uncomfortable and unhealthy. 1:45:51.120 --> 1:45:55.320 I needed to be alone. I need to like, I 1:45:55.360 --> 1:46:00.680 needed to feel it, I needed to in it. I 1:46:00.680 --> 1:46:05.840 didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want 1:46:06.600 --> 1:46:09.599 people want to be there for you. And that's really 1:46:09.680 --> 1:46:12.360 special and that's really helpful, but I didn't want people 1:46:12.400 --> 1:46:16.120 to be there for me yet. I wasn't ready for 1:46:16.160 --> 1:46:18.439 people to be like, oh, I'm so sorry, or you know, 1:46:19.439 --> 1:46:21.519 because people don't know what to say sometimes when it 1:46:21.560 --> 1:46:25.200 comes to grief or loss. Sometimes I don't know what 1:46:25.240 --> 1:46:29.439 to say either. I have no idea on how to 1:46:29.479 --> 1:46:35.400 react to some things, still having experienced my own version 1:46:35.400 --> 1:46:42.240 of grief. How do you be there for somebody? It's 1:46:42.800 --> 1:46:45.960 a difficult thing. I mean, I didn't know how I 1:46:46.080 --> 1:46:49.479 needed well, I didn't know what I needed from people. 1:46:52.080 --> 1:46:55.000 I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to 1:46:55.000 --> 1:46:57.200 be alone. I didn't want anyone to know because I 1:46:57.240 --> 1:46:59.760 didn't want people to talk to me about it or 1:46:59.760 --> 1:47:01.760 say things to me, because I just wasn't ready to 1:47:01.800 --> 1:47:08.240 hear it yet. And the way that I think I 1:47:08.320 --> 1:47:12.160 told people that were really really close to me. Really 1:47:12.439 --> 1:47:15.920 my husband obviously knew because it happened to him too, 1:47:17.040 --> 1:47:21.640 and my two best friends knew. And the way that 1:47:21.720 --> 1:47:24.400 I feel like they were there for me because they 1:47:24.439 --> 1:47:29.559 didn't know what to say. They didn't say anything. They 1:47:29.560 --> 1:47:33.840 were there for me physically. They held me, they let 1:47:33.880 --> 1:47:37.720 me cry. I just sat there and I cried and 1:47:37.760 --> 1:47:41.040 said nothing and they just held my hand and were 1:47:41.080 --> 1:47:43.880 like just sat there with me and like let me cry. 1:47:44.400 --> 1:47:46.920 They didn't ask me questions. They didn't ask me how 1:47:46.960 --> 1:47:52.680 I felt. They didn't ask they didn't say anything to me, like, 1:47:53.760 --> 1:47:56.679 they didn't say everything happens for a reason, don't worry, 1:47:56.760 --> 1:47:59.040 like you'll feel one day, da da da. They didn't 1:47:59.080 --> 1:48:02.160 go into that because they know me so well, they 1:48:02.200 --> 1:48:05.639 probably knew that I didn't want to hear that yet. 1:48:05.960 --> 1:48:09.680 They just were there and they listened when I was 1:48:09.720 --> 1:48:13.200 ready to talk. And then because I wasn't ready. They 1:48:13.320 --> 1:48:16.880 just let me emote and they just let me cry 1:48:17.600 --> 1:48:23.240 and they cried, and I could tell because I was hurt. 1:48:23.400 --> 1:48:27.760 They were hurt. You know. When I finally got to 1:48:27.840 --> 1:48:30.880 my husband and we were together, he just held me. 1:48:31.479 --> 1:48:34.000 We both cried and he just held me, and you know, 1:48:34.120 --> 1:48:36.320 I held him too, because I think that's another thing, 1:48:36.439 --> 1:48:40.120 is another layer on top of it is even though 1:48:40.120 --> 1:48:43.479 it physically happened to me and emotionally it was something 1:48:43.479 --> 1:48:48.639 that I experienced, it was it was an individual experience 1:48:48.680 --> 1:48:51.519 to myself. Emotionally, it's something that it's a loss that 1:48:51.760 --> 1:48:54.880 happened to him as well. He also thought potentially he 1:48:54.880 --> 1:48:58.519 would be having a child, So we were both grieving something. 1:48:58.560 --> 1:49:02.000 We were both grieving the loss of this. We were 1:49:02.040 --> 1:49:05.639 both feeling this weird sense of relief at the same 1:49:05.680 --> 1:49:08.720 time and then immediately guilty because we felt relief, and 1:49:08.760 --> 1:49:13.280 then immediately anger because we felt guilt. And you know 1:49:13.280 --> 1:49:16.519 what I mean, It's just it's relentless, these emotions. When 1:49:16.520 --> 1:49:19.160 it's fresh, you know, you feel literally every single one 1:49:19.160 --> 1:49:21.760 that's on the rainbow. Of all the colors we felt, 1:49:21.960 --> 1:49:26.439 we felt all of them. And I think when it 1:49:26.520 --> 1:49:28.439 was the very beginning I think for me, it was 1:49:28.520 --> 1:49:33.080 just holding the people holding me, you know, being in 1:49:33.320 --> 1:49:35.880 just being in the space with me. They didn't have 1:49:35.920 --> 1:49:38.679 to say anything if they didn't know what to say, 1:49:38.880 --> 1:49:46.719 you know, and when we did sort of start talking 1:49:46.720 --> 1:49:52.920 about it, we first started saying, this sucks. I can't 1:49:52.920 --> 1:49:54.519 believe this is happening. 1:49:56.080 --> 1:49:56.320 You know. 1:49:56.400 --> 1:50:00.760 It was if I was feeling angry, then they would 1:50:00.800 --> 1:50:04.799 be angry with me. If I was if I was sad, 1:50:04.840 --> 1:50:08.799 then they were sad with me. So it was amazing. 1:50:08.840 --> 1:50:11.719 They were amazing at being there for me in those ways. 1:50:12.720 --> 1:50:16.280 And you know, I think it is difficult to know 1:50:16.840 --> 1:50:18.679 what to say and how to be there for someone, 1:50:18.800 --> 1:50:23.080 but I think following them and how they're reacting is 1:50:23.120 --> 1:50:26.120 also really good. Like taking the cue from how they're 1:50:26.200 --> 1:50:29.160 responding is a good way to respond back to someone. 1:50:30.320 --> 1:50:33.200 And you know, checking in, you know, my friends that 1:50:33.280 --> 1:50:36.479 knew checked in with me, how are you feeling today? 1:50:37.160 --> 1:50:38.439 You know, And then if I didn't want to talk 1:50:38.479 --> 1:50:40.200 about they were like, okay, let me know when you 1:50:40.240 --> 1:50:45.439 are ready, you know, so just you know, they were 1:50:45.520 --> 1:50:48.280 checking in, you know, making sure. And then you know, 1:50:49.400 --> 1:50:53.960 my best friend, she who she experienced us as well. 1:50:54.080 --> 1:50:57.840 She continues to check in with me. You know, this 1:50:57.920 --> 1:51:00.400 is three years later and we still talk about it. 1:51:00.400 --> 1:51:02.800 Oh my gosh, Like, can you believe it? You would 1:51:02.800 --> 1:51:05.800 have a three year old. I'm like, I know, And 1:51:05.840 --> 1:51:08.000 it's just we we get to have these moments together 1:51:08.080 --> 1:51:12.519 of we would both have a three year old right now. 1:51:12.640 --> 1:51:15.519 That's and we think about that and we deal with 1:51:15.520 --> 1:51:17.320 that and we grieve them. We grieve the loss of 1:51:17.360 --> 1:51:21.479 that potential and that direction and life, you know, that 1:51:21.960 --> 1:51:27.839 thread that didn't happen in this path. So female friendships 1:51:27.880 --> 1:51:31.679 are incredible and they're beautiful, and I think it's really 1:51:31.680 --> 1:51:35.640 important for women to have women in their life that 1:51:35.720 --> 1:51:37.280 they can they can go to and they can talk 1:51:37.320 --> 1:51:39.280 to you about these things because we can relate to 1:51:39.320 --> 1:51:42.200 each other in other ways that I think, you know, 1:51:42.280 --> 1:51:46.800 I couldn't get from my husband, and being able to 1:51:46.840 --> 1:51:50.519 go to her was so special and really helpful. So 1:51:51.960 --> 1:51:55.960 I just I think also have patience with yourself, and 1:51:56.800 --> 1:52:00.000 if you know someone who's going through that, have patience 1:52:00.439 --> 1:52:06.160 with them because it's a rollercoaster. And you know, she 1:52:06.360 --> 1:52:09.160 was my friend, she was going through this too, and 1:52:09.360 --> 1:52:13.719 I was feeling emotions and I was feeling heartbroken because 1:52:13.720 --> 1:52:17.320 I know because she was heartbroken, so I was feeling 1:52:17.400 --> 1:52:19.759 emotions as well, and I just have to be patient 1:52:19.840 --> 1:52:25.120 because it's happening to her so at her pace, at 1:52:25.160 --> 1:52:28.080 her time, when she's ready, when she wants to hear, 1:52:28.560 --> 1:52:32.040 when she wants to talk about it, we can. And 1:52:32.080 --> 1:52:36.720 we both kind of just we both shared that understanding 1:52:36.760 --> 1:52:37.280 with each other. 1:52:37.920 --> 1:52:42.040 Something powerful, really powerful that you said was I wasn't 1:52:42.080 --> 1:52:45.360 ready for someone to be there for me yet. And 1:52:45.439 --> 1:52:49.640 I think that's such a really remarkable insight. As I 1:52:49.640 --> 1:52:53.200 was listening to I was thinking, often when we see 1:52:53.240 --> 1:52:59.200 people who are struggling, because their struggle causes us discomfort, 1:52:59.520 --> 1:53:02.320 we want to it for them. And so if I'm 1:53:02.320 --> 1:53:03.920 speaking to a friend who is like, oh, you know, 1:53:04.080 --> 1:53:06.720 my friend's going through this, and my partner's going through this, 1:53:06.800 --> 1:53:11.360 and they're spiraling, and we're so uncomfortable with their discomfort 1:53:11.520 --> 1:53:14.240 that we want to fix it to relieve our own discomfort, 1:53:14.960 --> 1:53:18.559 not realizing that that person may need to feel and 1:53:18.720 --> 1:53:21.599 experience all of it and to let it all out 1:53:21.600 --> 1:53:24.920 in their own way. And I love what you just 1:53:24.960 --> 1:53:29.160 said of I just wasn't ready for someone to be 1:53:29.280 --> 1:53:33.519 there for me yet, And I think that's a great 1:53:33.560 --> 1:53:35.880 note for all of us to ask ourselves, like am 1:53:35.920 --> 1:53:37.840 I ready for someone to be there for me yet? 1:53:38.200 --> 1:53:40.280 And if I'm trying to help someone, are they truly 1:53:40.320 --> 1:53:44.960 ready for me to be there for them? And one 1:53:44.960 --> 1:53:47.640 of the things that I've seen and you mentioned as 1:53:47.640 --> 1:53:51.080 well when we were talking, this idea about how there's 1:53:51.080 --> 1:53:54.639 so much pressure also on the couple. So there's you're 1:53:54.680 --> 1:54:00.600 both individually dealing with loss and grief. There's like a 1:54:00.680 --> 1:54:05.400 dynamic that you go through with each other because you're 1:54:05.400 --> 1:54:08.760 both at different spaces of healing, You're both at different timelines, 1:54:08.840 --> 1:54:12.240 the waves come differently. It's affected both of you, but 1:54:12.320 --> 1:54:14.000 then you're both trying to be there for each other. 1:54:14.040 --> 1:54:19.280 Like it's quite a unique relations it's quite a unique situation. 1:54:20.720 --> 1:54:24.160 Walk us through how you navigated that overwhelming pressure and 1:54:24.200 --> 1:54:27.920 feeling together as well, and what did it take to reconnect? 1:54:27.960 --> 1:54:31.880 And I mean, I don't even think it's finding normalcy. 1:54:32.000 --> 1:54:34.800 It's like evolving. But what does that look like? 1:54:35.440 --> 1:54:40.520 I mean, my husband is so kind, he's so he's 1:54:40.640 --> 1:54:47.480 very he's very gentle, he's very he's very understanding. He 1:54:48.160 --> 1:54:51.320 knows I'm an emotional person. He knows I feel things deeply, 1:54:53.160 --> 1:55:01.320 like heavily, and he knows that I was distraught. You know, 1:55:01.520 --> 1:55:06.680 he could see that I was. I'm even I'm even 1:55:07.120 --> 1:55:11.720 feeling it now, you know, just all these different things 1:55:11.760 --> 1:55:17.440 all at the same time, and he's a supportive partner 1:55:17.560 --> 1:55:23.600 to me. And I think what was really helpful for 1:55:23.760 --> 1:55:27.680 us was, you know, I think he had a really 1:55:27.720 --> 1:55:36.560 great understanding and he's he was so wonderful during those 1:55:36.640 --> 1:55:42.160 times for me. He I think for him, he understood, Okay, 1:55:42.320 --> 1:55:46.120 this is something that he's like, Okay, I'm I'm feeling. 1:55:47.080 --> 1:55:49.880 I also can't speak for him obviously, because this these 1:55:49.960 --> 1:55:52.840 this this is his. These are his feelings and his 1:55:52.920 --> 1:55:56.280 journey as well. So I'm as I'm saying this, it's 1:55:56.320 --> 1:56:00.920 more just like collectively what you know, we both went through. 1:56:01.160 --> 1:56:05.720 It was the shared experience that I'm touching on and 1:56:05.800 --> 1:56:09.400 things that he did say and express to me. So 1:56:10.280 --> 1:56:12.240 you know, I felt that he had a really great 1:56:12.320 --> 1:56:17.720 understanding of, you know, the equal amount of heartbreak of loss. 1:56:17.760 --> 1:56:19.480 You know, he was feeling that too, and we got 1:56:19.480 --> 1:56:22.320 we had a shared experience in that, and I think 1:56:22.360 --> 1:56:26.760 he also a really great understanding of this is physically 1:56:26.840 --> 1:56:31.879 happening to her as well as it is emotionally happening. 1:56:31.880 --> 1:56:36.200 To her, he knew it would take me longer to 1:56:37.840 --> 1:56:42.320 gain perspective, to start my healing process, to you know, 1:56:43.160 --> 1:56:47.800 be able to adjust or you know, process my emotions, 1:56:47.880 --> 1:56:50.520 just because I think, you know, he said to me, 1:56:50.600 --> 1:56:52.760 you know, whatever I feel like i'm feeling, I know 1:56:52.880 --> 1:56:56.800 you're feeling a tenfolds. I know what you are going 1:56:56.840 --> 1:57:01.760 through is a physical reaction in your body of change, 1:57:01.880 --> 1:57:06.440 and then the change of becoming pregnant, the change of 1:57:07.320 --> 1:57:12.120 losing that pregnancy, the emotional change from all of those things. 1:57:13.000 --> 1:57:15.760 So for us, it was really helpful that he was 1:57:15.800 --> 1:57:23.040 super understanding, and you know, he's really great at navigating 1:57:23.040 --> 1:57:29.760 emotion as well. And I think it was helpful for 1:57:29.920 --> 1:57:33.920 me when he talked about it with me, when he 1:57:33.960 --> 1:57:38.720 would say things like today is the day it happened, 1:57:38.920 --> 1:57:42.200 and he's reminding me and he's the one talking about it. 1:57:42.200 --> 1:57:44.600 It makes me feel less alone that he still remembers it, 1:57:44.640 --> 1:57:48.080 that he still carries it with him, because sometimes, you know, 1:57:50.680 --> 1:57:54.360 just because it's we've had some time and we've had 1:57:54.400 --> 1:57:57.839 some distance, I know I carry this with me forever. 1:57:58.080 --> 1:58:00.960 You know, I know I will, because this happened to 1:58:01.040 --> 1:58:05.040 me in more ways than one, and I worry sometimes 1:58:05.120 --> 1:58:08.160 you know or I did that, Well, maybe he won't 1:58:08.560 --> 1:58:10.480 feel that way, like maybe he'll move on fast, or 1:58:10.480 --> 1:58:13.120 maybe he'll forget about it, maybe all these things and 1:58:13.120 --> 1:58:18.040 and then you feel sad and you know, different emotions 1:58:18.080 --> 1:58:19.760 around that, and like, I know that that can be 1:58:19.840 --> 1:58:23.160 really complicated in a dynamic of loss of their moving on. 1:58:23.400 --> 1:58:26.160 Oh they're forgetting about this, they're not talking about this anymore. 1:58:26.720 --> 1:58:29.160 So for me, what was really helpful is because I 1:58:29.240 --> 1:58:32.120 know that he went through this too. I love that 1:58:32.160 --> 1:58:34.480 he checks in with me. I love that he talks 1:58:34.480 --> 1:58:36.840 about it with me. I love that he also says 1:58:36.880 --> 1:58:40.120 things like can you believe we would maybe have had 1:58:40.120 --> 1:58:43.160 a three year old? Oh? My god, do you think 1:58:43.160 --> 1:58:49.920 about that too? It made me feel so seen, like 1:58:50.040 --> 1:58:54.200 so heard, and that he sees me all the time. 1:58:54.440 --> 1:58:59.440 You know, he sees when people We've been married for 1:58:59.440 --> 1:59:03.000 almost a year now, so he sees when people make 1:59:03.040 --> 1:59:05.120 comments like, oh, when you guys gonna have kids? Or 1:59:05.360 --> 1:59:07.960 are you thinking about having kids? And people ask you know, 1:59:08.400 --> 1:59:11.320 it's a harmless question, and I understand why people ask it, 1:59:11.320 --> 1:59:14.720 and it's it's I'm not angry that people ask that question. 1:59:14.760 --> 1:59:17.200 I think it's part of society. You know, people want 1:59:17.200 --> 1:59:19.240 to talk about it. You know, people are excited about 1:59:19.240 --> 1:59:21.800 having starting families. If we want to start a family, 1:59:21.840 --> 1:59:24.160 which we do, and we've spoken with our friends that 1:59:24.200 --> 1:59:25.640 we would want to have a family one day. So 1:59:25.680 --> 1:59:28.280 I understand why they're asking us those questions. But not 1:59:28.360 --> 1:59:32.560 everybody knows that I went through this, and at that time, 1:59:32.600 --> 1:59:34.720 I mean, now maybe everybody everybody will know I went 1:59:34.720 --> 1:59:37.280 through this way. I wasn't ready for everybody to know 1:59:37.320 --> 1:59:39.360 that I was going through this, and I had to 1:59:39.440 --> 1:59:46.560 deal with those questions internally, and it was painful to 1:59:46.600 --> 1:59:49.600 hear those questions. You know, people would make comments because 1:59:49.600 --> 1:59:51.800 a lot of my friends had babies during COVID, and 1:59:51.880 --> 1:59:55.800 everyone was like, oh, you know, everyone had all these babies, 1:59:55.880 --> 1:59:59.240 you know, during COVID, and everyone was getting pregnant and 1:59:59.320 --> 2:00:02.480 I did and I was pregnant and I didn't have 2:00:02.560 --> 2:00:04.800 a baby. So I would hear comments like that. I 2:00:04.840 --> 2:00:07.640 would hear things like that. Oh. Also people assume that 2:00:07.680 --> 2:00:09.280 maybe I have had a kid and they just don't 2:00:09.320 --> 2:00:11.480 know yet. Oh did you have a kid? Were you 2:00:11.520 --> 2:00:14.200 one of those girls during COVID that had a kid. 2:00:14.240 --> 2:00:17.440 And I'm like, god, I know what you mean. When 2:00:17.440 --> 2:00:21.120 you're saying that, but you have no idea. No, I'm not. 2:00:21.200 --> 2:00:25.840 I guess I'm not. So he would sort of see 2:00:25.880 --> 2:00:28.560 me and like see that I was dealing with that 2:00:28.680 --> 2:00:34.200 internally and trying to process socializing and you know, navigating 2:00:34.240 --> 2:00:40.080 these comments because it's nobody's fault that they're asking it, 2:00:40.160 --> 2:00:43.640 you know, it's it's just normal, it's just life, right, 2:00:43.720 --> 2:00:47.200 So I have to I do have to grow from this. 2:00:47.320 --> 2:00:49.200 I have to be able to handle this. I have 2:00:49.240 --> 2:00:50.680 to be able to talk about this again. I do 2:00:50.760 --> 2:00:54.720 have to be able to be okay. And I wasn't 2:00:54.760 --> 2:00:57.160 always okay. And I think he saw that I wasn't 2:00:57.160 --> 2:00:59.800 always okay, and I could tell that he was hurt 2:00:59.800 --> 2:01:01.960 when I was hurt. I could tell that he he 2:01:02.120 --> 2:01:05.280 was feeling what I was feeling, you know. And I 2:01:05.280 --> 2:01:07.640 also shared it with him too, because people can't read 2:01:07.680 --> 2:01:10.240 your mind. You know. This is my partner, this is 2:01:10.240 --> 2:01:14.879 my life partner. This is the person that I decided 2:01:14.920 --> 2:01:17.520 that I want to spend life with and do life with. 2:01:17.600 --> 2:01:20.360 So I have to do life with them, right, So 2:01:20.400 --> 2:01:23.680 I have to make a point to share Today I'm 2:01:23.720 --> 2:01:29.480 feeling extra bad because it's the week of my miscarriage. 2:01:29.480 --> 2:01:31.840 It's the anniversary week. I'm not going to feel good 2:01:31.840 --> 2:01:34.840 this week. You know, I say that, I expressed that 2:01:34.960 --> 2:01:37.280 he cannot read my mind. He has no idea what 2:01:37.280 --> 2:01:41.040 I'm feeling unless I'm saying it. So, you know, I 2:01:41.440 --> 2:01:45.400 it's a two way street that I share with him 2:01:45.640 --> 2:01:48.360 and that he sees me and he understands me. So 2:01:48.720 --> 2:01:53.360 and he does. He's really great at understanding how I emote. 2:01:53.480 --> 2:01:57.440 You know, my tells my you know, physical things that 2:01:57.480 --> 2:01:59.920 maybe I do, or he's like, she's nervous, she's up 2:02:00.120 --> 2:02:02.560 that I could tell she's holding back tears right now. 2:02:03.600 --> 2:02:06.720 He helps remove me from the said situation, you know, 2:02:07.040 --> 2:02:10.800 So learning each other and sharing with each other, and 2:02:10.880 --> 2:02:13.720 he knows those things and he's been able to learn 2:02:13.760 --> 2:02:15.440 those things because I've shared them with him and I've 2:02:15.440 --> 2:02:18.320 shown him and told him, and vice versa. He's shared 2:02:18.320 --> 2:02:21.160 with me and told me and shown me how I 2:02:21.200 --> 2:02:23.600 can care and love and be there for him. So 2:02:24.880 --> 2:02:31.560 I think just for a couple in this scenario, however, 2:02:31.800 --> 2:02:34.960 you're dealing with the loss of a pregnancy or a child, 2:02:34.960 --> 2:02:36.920 because I know people can see in many different ways 2:02:37.440 --> 2:02:40.000 and there's a lot of stress in starting a family 2:02:40.040 --> 2:02:43.480 on multiple different types of relationships and partners and spouses 2:02:43.480 --> 2:02:45.240 and how you're going about it and how you're dealing 2:02:45.240 --> 2:02:48.040 with and what you're going through and you know what 2:02:48.080 --> 2:02:51.920 you're doing with each other and how you're your journey 2:02:51.920 --> 2:02:56.720 with with that is is unique to you, to your 2:02:56.960 --> 2:03:00.000 both of your situations, and the way that you guys 2:03:00.680 --> 2:03:04.600 communicate with each other is important. And learning each other 2:03:04.640 --> 2:03:09.200 and asking for something is there's no there's nothing wrong 2:03:09.240 --> 2:03:11.760 with asking for something and then they're able to adjust 2:03:11.800 --> 2:03:14.800 and do that for you. So I feel like that's 2:03:14.920 --> 2:03:18.480 something that I've learned as well, is being open and 2:03:18.520 --> 2:03:22.040 making sure I'm sharing. And you know, he's really great 2:03:22.040 --> 2:03:25.400 at just innately because we've known each other and we're 2:03:25.960 --> 2:03:29.160 we're we love each other's he's good at, you know, 2:03:29.160 --> 2:03:31.160 knowing and figuring out those little things that I do 2:03:31.240 --> 2:03:35.160 for himself and just seeing me. But also I've shared 2:03:35.200 --> 2:03:37.800 a lot with him, and he listens and he adapts 2:03:37.840 --> 2:03:40.160 and he changes for those things for me and does 2:03:40.200 --> 2:03:45.360 those things for me. So I think that communication is 2:03:45.760 --> 2:03:50.120 probably the number one most important thing and also the 2:03:50.120 --> 2:03:53.200 most difficult thing. I know. Communicating is so difficult. How 2:03:53.280 --> 2:03:55.280 do you be vulnerable? How do you share these things? 2:03:55.680 --> 2:03:57.360 Am I ready to talk about this. I want to 2:03:57.360 --> 2:04:00.280 say this, and you know, I don't know. I think, 2:04:00.360 --> 2:04:04.600 just say it and ask for it and communicate it, 2:04:04.640 --> 2:04:08.720 because again, you know, they may have no idea that 2:04:08.720 --> 2:04:10.160 that's even going on in your head and they have 2:04:10.200 --> 2:04:12.240 something completely different going on in their head. 2:04:13.560 --> 2:04:13.760 Yeah. 2:04:13.880 --> 2:04:17.400 No, it's so true, and I appreciate you sharing that 2:04:17.480 --> 2:04:21.200 because I think a lot of people are both dealing 2:04:21.240 --> 2:04:22.800 with the grief and then they're dealing with the loss 2:04:22.800 --> 2:04:25.360 of the relationship they had and the one they thought 2:04:25.360 --> 2:04:27.600 they were going to have when they had a child 2:04:27.640 --> 2:04:31.040 together as well, and so communications at the core and 2:04:31.080 --> 2:04:33.320 the heart of all of that, because it's so multi 2:04:33.400 --> 2:04:37.040 layed and so complex, Taylor, as I was listening to you, 2:04:37.080 --> 2:04:39.160 and I asked this question very sensitively, and I ask 2:04:39.280 --> 2:04:43.800 it in order to hopefully help people who are listening. 2:04:43.520 --> 2:04:44.800 As well, like where. 2:04:46.440 --> 2:04:50.240 How do you rEFInd the confidence to want to think 2:04:50.280 --> 2:04:52.440 about a family again and try again? Because and I 2:04:52.480 --> 2:04:56.480 ask it very sincerely and sensitively thinking about people listening 2:04:56.480 --> 2:04:59.000 who are like I don't think I can ever Tryga, 2:04:59.080 --> 2:05:02.080 because it was so pain and that's generally a human 2:05:02.120 --> 2:05:04.320 reaction to pain. If it was so painful, I can't 2:05:04.360 --> 2:05:07.120 go there again, Yet I have this desire to have 2:05:07.160 --> 2:05:10.320 a family, Like, how for you do you know when 2:05:10.360 --> 2:05:12.840 you're ready to think about it again even or open 2:05:12.920 --> 2:05:13.680 up to the idea. 2:05:14.600 --> 2:05:18.960 I know I want one. I don't think i've I 2:05:18.960 --> 2:05:21.480 don't think i'm very I haven't. I don't know actually 2:05:21.520 --> 2:05:25.920 if I've confronted that for myself. You know, I don't 2:05:25.960 --> 2:05:30.360 think i've I've gone there where. One day I'm going 2:05:30.440 --> 2:05:34.080 to be trying to have a family and you know, 2:05:34.240 --> 2:05:36.480 maybe that stick is going to say pregnant. Is it 2:05:36.520 --> 2:05:38.800 going to bring back all these emotions? And how am 2:05:38.800 --> 2:05:42.040 I going to deal with that again? Oh gosh, I 2:05:42.080 --> 2:05:43.920 have no idea because you know, I'm not there yet. 2:05:43.960 --> 2:05:47.880 I'm still not ready for a child and and I'm 2:05:47.880 --> 2:05:49.840 not ready to think about it, and I'm not ready 2:05:49.880 --> 2:05:51.880 to start having a family, and I don't know when 2:05:51.920 --> 2:05:54.840 that is. And you know a lot of people who've 2:05:54.840 --> 2:05:57.280 had children are like, you'll never know. The timing's never 2:05:57.360 --> 2:06:01.920 right all this stuff and everyone's journey is different, and 2:06:02.320 --> 2:06:07.320 that I have no plan. I have no timeline of 2:06:07.360 --> 2:06:10.600 when I'm going to start a family, when I'm going 2:06:10.680 --> 2:06:12.040 to do that, how I'm going to do it? I 2:06:12.680 --> 2:06:15.320 don't know and I also have no idea what I'm 2:06:15.320 --> 2:06:17.840 about to confront when I start trying again. You know, 2:06:18.440 --> 2:06:20.280 is it going to be really easy? Am I going? 2:06:20.600 --> 2:06:23.520 Is it going to be fine? Did this scenario happen 2:06:23.600 --> 2:06:26.800 to me simply because of the IUD? Or well I 2:06:26.880 --> 2:06:30.760 experience this again because you know, a pregnancy is a 2:06:30.800 --> 2:06:34.000 new organism in your body. It's like a technically I 2:06:34.040 --> 2:06:36.040 don't know it's I could only I think of it 2:06:36.080 --> 2:06:39.120 maybe as almost like a bacteria. That's like it's introducing 2:06:39.160 --> 2:06:42.560 like a new thing inside of your body. And a 2:06:42.600 --> 2:06:44.920 miscarriage is a rejection of that, your body being like 2:06:44.960 --> 2:06:47.160 that shouldn't be here, what is this? This is new? 2:06:47.280 --> 2:06:50.680 And sometimes it takes time to a job. Your body 2:06:50.720 --> 2:06:52.640 has to be like, oh, that's what that is. So 2:06:52.680 --> 2:06:54.720 maybe it takes a couple of tries, and you know 2:06:54.880 --> 2:06:58.000 that's why your body is doing that. I don't know 2:06:58.040 --> 2:07:01.120 why my body did that. Probably the most likely, if 2:07:01.240 --> 2:07:03.480 doctors are listening, they'll probably be like, oh, it's the IUD. 2:07:03.720 --> 2:07:06.360 That's why I was like, Okay, okay, fine, that's why. 2:07:06.400 --> 2:07:10.920 But I guess I'll sort of I maybe I'll be 2:07:10.960 --> 2:07:13.240 able to speak on that more when I'm in the 2:07:13.480 --> 2:07:17.120 headspace of actively trying or if and when I do 2:07:17.200 --> 2:07:18.920 have a child, like to be able to touch on 2:07:19.000 --> 2:07:22.120 that again. But I think I'm nervous, you know, I 2:07:22.560 --> 2:07:26.800 do have fears about getting to that stage in my life, 2:07:26.840 --> 2:07:29.160 and I'm worried about what I'm going to start feeling 2:07:29.240 --> 2:07:33.520 when I am pregnant again. I want to enjoy the process. 2:07:33.600 --> 2:07:36.280 I want to be you know, excited, I want to 2:07:36.320 --> 2:07:38.920 feel all of those things. But unfortunately, because of what 2:07:38.960 --> 2:07:40.680 I've I went through, I know that in the beginning 2:07:40.680 --> 2:07:43.200 I won't. I'll feel fear. I'm going to be afraid. 2:07:43.720 --> 2:07:45.800 I know I'm going to be scared. I know I'm 2:07:45.800 --> 2:07:50.320 going to have like anxiety about it until who knows when, 2:07:50.320 --> 2:07:54.600 maybe the entire pregnancy. I don't know, But I know 2:07:54.680 --> 2:07:58.360 I've been through this before. I I know I can 2:07:58.960 --> 2:08:02.160 handle this. I'm stronger because of this. If it happens 2:08:02.200 --> 2:08:06.960 to me again, I'm going to be okay. You know, 2:08:07.280 --> 2:08:10.800 look at how far I've come, look at what I 2:08:11.040 --> 2:08:14.560 how I handled this, like what we went through like. 2:08:15.440 --> 2:08:19.240 I have confidence in that at least, But I also 2:08:19.880 --> 2:08:22.320 I have no idea what that is going to look 2:08:22.400 --> 2:08:24.760 like for me until I start doing that, or until 2:08:24.760 --> 2:08:29.360 it happens. So you know, I would I would say 2:08:29.400 --> 2:08:34.040 for me, how I can rationalize it is I'm stronger 2:08:34.040 --> 2:08:38.160 because of this I've handled I've been through this this thing, 2:08:38.240 --> 2:08:42.960 and I've I've dealt with something that was really difficult 2:08:43.400 --> 2:08:47.400 for me personally to go through and I came out 2:08:47.840 --> 2:08:51.320 the other side. Whether or not I'm fully done yet, 2:08:51.400 --> 2:08:53.720 we don't know. We'll we'll figure it out when we 2:08:53.800 --> 2:08:56.320 get there. But right now, all I can say is 2:08:57.560 --> 2:09:01.560 I feel confident that I'm I know I'm gonna be okay. 2:09:01.560 --> 2:09:03.280 No matter what, I'm going to be okay. I can 2:09:03.320 --> 2:09:06.000 get through anything. I can do this. Like I have 2:09:06.040 --> 2:09:09.400 a great support in my husband and my family and 2:09:09.480 --> 2:09:12.160 my friends. They were all there for me. They showed 2:09:12.200 --> 2:09:15.000 their love and support. I was there for me. I 2:09:15.040 --> 2:09:17.640 was there for myself. I showed up, you know. So 2:09:17.960 --> 2:09:19.680 I know I can show up for myself. I know 2:09:19.760 --> 2:09:22.080 I can be there. I know I can pick myself 2:09:22.080 --> 2:09:25.360 back up again and start walking and make it, you know, 2:09:25.640 --> 2:09:30.640 make those steps towards healing again. So we're resilient as people, 2:09:30.720 --> 2:09:34.200 as humans, and having faith in our resilience and in 2:09:34.240 --> 2:09:38.920 our strength and in our ability to find healing and 2:09:39.000 --> 2:09:42.360 find growth. I think we forget and we doubt ourselves 2:09:42.400 --> 2:09:45.120 sometimes that we can do that, we can do, we 2:09:45.160 --> 2:09:45.960 can get through that. 2:09:47.160 --> 2:09:48.600 Thank you for such an honest answer. 2:09:48.640 --> 2:09:50.760 I feel like I feel like a lot of people 2:09:51.080 --> 2:09:52.880 will be able to resonate and connect with that, this 2:09:52.960 --> 2:09:55.720 idea of I don't know, let's see when I get 2:09:55.720 --> 2:09:57.600 that done, even if I'm ready to answer that question. 2:09:57.640 --> 2:09:59.960 And I think I think people listening to that will 2:10:00.200 --> 2:10:03.360 a sense of relief because I think that naterally, again, 2:10:03.440 --> 2:10:05.040 like you said, when you go through it, you have 2:10:05.040 --> 2:10:07.040 to get into tactical mode of how do we make 2:10:07.080 --> 2:10:09.440 sure it's done and clean and everything's okay? And then 2:10:09.440 --> 2:10:11.360 we get into okay, how do I start? And it's 2:10:11.720 --> 2:10:14.720 you almost don't give yourself that space. So thank you 2:10:14.760 --> 2:10:18.640 so much for giving everyone space by even having that answer. 2:10:18.680 --> 2:10:20.560 It's really beautiful and powerful to hear. 2:10:21.080 --> 2:10:21.360 Taylor. 2:10:21.400 --> 2:10:24.560 You've been so gracious and kind with your time today, 2:10:24.560 --> 2:10:27.520 with your energy, with your soul, like I really feel 2:10:27.560 --> 2:10:29.800 like you've led us in which is so kind. I 2:10:29.840 --> 2:10:34.240 really hope you feel we've honored Tait and given a 2:10:34.320 --> 2:10:36.480 chance for you to express your love for Tate and 2:10:36.560 --> 2:10:39.360 also honored your experiences. 2:10:39.600 --> 2:10:45.680 And you know, I feel like with your whole career 2:10:45.720 --> 2:10:46.160 and everything. 2:10:46.160 --> 2:10:48.360 It's almost like I find that, you know, when you've 2:10:48.360 --> 2:10:50.360 been modeling from such a young age and you've been 2:10:50.360 --> 2:10:53.000 in the public eye, like so much of your career 2:10:53.040 --> 2:10:57.720 becomes about your looks, your age, your you know, those 2:10:57.760 --> 2:11:02.040 things become big and as you transform and evolve as 2:11:02.040 --> 2:11:05.360 a human too, as you're starting you know, Titan Taylor, 2:11:05.480 --> 2:11:08.720 and you're starting a company, or you started a company 2:11:08.760 --> 2:11:11.880 that's doing all this incredible purposeful work and you built 2:11:11.880 --> 2:11:14.760 a content platform and a platform where people can find 2:11:14.800 --> 2:11:19.280 amazing products, amazing services, amazing partnerships for their pets and 2:11:19.320 --> 2:11:20.520 their dogs and everything else. 2:11:20.640 --> 2:11:22.760 Like, walk us through. 2:11:22.720 --> 2:11:26.240 How you see that evolution for yourself of coming from 2:11:26.280 --> 2:11:28.560 an indust in a space that is defined by these 2:11:28.560 --> 2:11:31.160 external things of looks and age and fitness and everything, 2:11:31.200 --> 2:11:33.280 and then finding your path through that. 2:11:33.440 --> 2:11:37.200 Now, yeah, I think, you know, they really play such 2:11:37.200 --> 2:11:39.720 a big role with each other. I think why I 2:11:39.960 --> 2:11:42.120 even wanted to start Tate and Taylor and start a 2:11:42.160 --> 2:11:45.400 business and be in the pet space. Obviously, I have 2:11:45.440 --> 2:11:47.520 a huge passion for animals and dogs, Like this is 2:11:47.560 --> 2:11:49.880 so much more to me than just a company. I'm 2:11:50.200 --> 2:11:52.520 doing this because this is absolutely, one hundred percent. Like 2:11:52.600 --> 2:11:54.480 the thing I love most in the world is my 2:11:54.640 --> 2:11:57.720 dog Tait and my dog Salem. I have now too, 2:11:57.880 --> 2:12:03.200 and they're just so incredible and amazing and they change. 2:12:03.680 --> 2:12:06.320 They've changed my life in so many ways. And even 2:12:06.400 --> 2:12:09.200 Salem now has impack in my life and so many 2:12:09.200 --> 2:12:11.280 different ways than Tate did. And I'm so excited about 2:12:11.320 --> 2:12:13.080 the journey and the life that I'm going to live 2:12:13.120 --> 2:12:15.160 with him and the things he's about to teach me 2:12:15.640 --> 2:12:18.960 and show me. And I don't think I would even 2:12:19.000 --> 2:12:23.080 be able to know how to do that and build 2:12:23.080 --> 2:12:25.880 something with intention and purpose if I hadn't had my 2:12:26.000 --> 2:12:31.640 career before. You know, I started modeling when I was fourteen. 2:12:32.000 --> 2:12:36.120 I don't have a traditional education in that sense, but 2:12:36.640 --> 2:12:41.480 I've learned so much from my job and from working 2:12:41.560 --> 2:12:43.760 at a young age and traveling the world and having 2:12:43.760 --> 2:12:47.160 so many experiences. I feel like I learned by doing, 2:12:47.800 --> 2:12:51.400 and you know, by being able to see how things work, 2:12:51.480 --> 2:12:56.120 and you know, people producing fashion collections and watching them 2:12:56.160 --> 2:12:58.600 make the clothes on me to walking in the fashion 2:12:58.600 --> 2:13:02.000 show and seeing how things are done is really interesting. 2:13:02.040 --> 2:13:04.960 And being a part of a photo shoot and all 2:13:05.000 --> 2:13:07.200 the different areas and everyone has a different job and 2:13:07.200 --> 2:13:09.680 seeing how it all comes together and how everybody works 2:13:09.680 --> 2:13:12.760 and all the puzzle pieces kind of like you know, 2:13:13.240 --> 2:13:15.360 as I'm sure you know, it's just like it's interesting 2:13:15.360 --> 2:13:18.520 and there's a lot of different layers to what goes 2:13:18.840 --> 2:13:21.560 into something like a photo shoot or you know, a 2:13:21.640 --> 2:13:24.760 campaign or a video or a movie or you know, 2:13:25.480 --> 2:13:28.480 a fashion show. And it was really fun and exciting 2:13:28.480 --> 2:13:30.680 for me to witness and see those things and do 2:13:30.800 --> 2:13:35.920 those things. And you know, I think modeling has been 2:13:36.400 --> 2:13:39.160 it is a lot about It is about physically what 2:13:39.240 --> 2:13:41.560 I look like. One hundred percent, like I'm a model 2:13:41.600 --> 2:13:44.400 because of how I look. I know that. So it's 2:13:44.440 --> 2:13:47.640 an interesting thing to go from. You know, I'm here 2:13:47.680 --> 2:13:49.720 because of how I look, but also I feel like, 2:13:49.920 --> 2:13:53.160 after a certain extent, I'm still here because of who 2:13:53.240 --> 2:13:59.200 I am, and I'm still hearing people continue hopefully to 2:13:59.280 --> 2:14:01.520 work with me because we have fun together and we 2:14:01.560 --> 2:14:03.840 build relationships and they get to know me, and it 2:14:03.880 --> 2:14:07.320 becomes more than just this you know, surface transaction of 2:14:07.600 --> 2:14:10.240 she looks a certain way, she fits the bill physically 2:14:10.280 --> 2:14:12.600 of what we're looking for, so we're going to book her. 2:14:12.640 --> 2:14:16.680 I think after fourteen years, you know, you start knowing 2:14:16.720 --> 2:14:20.720 people and establishing relationships and becoming friends with people in 2:14:20.720 --> 2:14:22.520 the industry, and then people want to work with you 2:14:22.600 --> 2:14:24.680 because they like you, they like hanging out with you. 2:14:25.400 --> 2:14:27.280 It's like a lot of industries, you know what I mean. 2:14:27.320 --> 2:14:29.000 The more you are in it, the more you do it, 2:14:29.000 --> 2:14:32.040 the more friends you make, the more connections you feel 2:14:32.080 --> 2:14:34.800 like you have with people, and the less it becomes 2:14:34.880 --> 2:14:37.560 about how you look, and it becomes a lot about 2:14:37.560 --> 2:14:41.800 who you are actually. Like the my interpretation of my 2:14:41.880 --> 2:14:44.680 career in modeling, I feel like it's been with people 2:14:44.720 --> 2:14:46.640 that I enjoy working with, and I get to work 2:14:46.640 --> 2:14:48.520 with them again and again and again, and I love that. 2:14:48.960 --> 2:14:51.440 I love that I now know so many people in 2:14:51.480 --> 2:14:53.240 the industry. And every time I get a call sheet, 2:14:53.400 --> 2:14:55.760 not every time, but I get these call sheets and 2:14:55.760 --> 2:14:57.080 I see who's going to be on set and I'm like, 2:14:57.120 --> 2:14:59.760 oh my god, I haven't seen this person and you know, 2:15:00.040 --> 2:15:02.080 however many years, and I'm so excited to work with 2:15:02.120 --> 2:15:05.800 them again and do that. So to me, it's maybe 2:15:05.800 --> 2:15:09.280 it starts off that way, and modeling is about the 2:15:09.320 --> 2:15:12.600 way that I look and how I physically am, But 2:15:12.640 --> 2:15:15.240 then I think it becomes a lot deeper than that. So, 2:15:16.120 --> 2:15:19.360 you know, people establishing those connections with me as like 2:15:20.200 --> 2:15:23.720 taught me how to to grow and you know, and 2:15:24.000 --> 2:15:27.880 change and just they've taught me so much about life 2:15:27.920 --> 2:15:30.840 and different different backgrounds and different people and different things. 2:15:30.840 --> 2:15:33.840 So you know, I learned so much from it and 2:15:33.880 --> 2:15:37.720 I've grown so much from it, and you know, wanting 2:15:37.760 --> 2:15:40.400 to start my own business. I feel like I'm able 2:15:40.440 --> 2:15:43.280 to do that because of everything that I've done in 2:15:43.840 --> 2:15:47.040 my modeling career and I really just I see them 2:15:47.160 --> 2:15:51.000 so much a part of each other, and I want 2:15:51.040 --> 2:15:53.440 to be in the pet space and have this this 2:15:53.560 --> 2:15:56.400 business because it's something that I also love to do, 2:15:56.560 --> 2:15:59.120 Like I love my job, I love modeling, and I 2:15:59.160 --> 2:16:01.760 really believe in pursuing things that you love to do. 2:16:02.400 --> 2:16:05.960 And you know, maybe I won't be a model forever. 2:16:06.080 --> 2:16:09.640 I have no idea because it's it's not a very 2:16:09.680 --> 2:16:12.840 consistent lifestyle. As much as I love it, I'm you 2:16:12.920 --> 2:16:15.160 never know. I you know, I just got a text 2:16:15.160 --> 2:16:18.720 message today that I'm going to Paris on Thursday. So 2:16:19.240 --> 2:16:21.800 you know, maybe if when I do start trying to 2:16:21.800 --> 2:16:23.800 have a family, and if I have a family and 2:16:23.840 --> 2:16:27.680 my family is growing and growing and growing, or you know, 2:16:27.760 --> 2:16:30.640 I have all these hopes and dreams, have a big family, 2:16:31.320 --> 2:16:34.160 it'll be more difficult to do my modeling career to 2:16:34.200 --> 2:16:37.520 the extent that I'm doing it now. And I also 2:16:37.640 --> 2:16:40.320 love dogs, and I love my dog, and I love, 2:16:41.200 --> 2:16:44.680 you know, animals, and I love that people love their animals. 2:16:44.760 --> 2:16:48.880 And I wanted to create something that I wish existed 2:16:49.240 --> 2:16:52.240 with my life and my journey and path with Tate. 2:16:52.840 --> 2:16:57.160 And I'm creating something that I really want and need 2:16:57.200 --> 2:17:01.119 with Salem, my my new dog now that I rescued, 2:17:01.160 --> 2:17:03.640 and because we're going through so many different things and 2:17:03.680 --> 2:17:07.200 I'm so excited to, you know, have be able to 2:17:07.200 --> 2:17:09.720 build on the experience I've had from modeling and apply 2:17:09.800 --> 2:17:13.360 it to what I'm doing now with Titan Taylor and 2:17:13.400 --> 2:17:16.720 build something with purpose, build something with you know, meaning 2:17:17.000 --> 2:17:19.760 something that I'm passionate about doing, something that I love. 2:17:20.000 --> 2:17:25.119 It's it's my lifestyle. It's you know, I'm that crazy 2:17:25.160 --> 2:17:26.840 dog lady that every time I see a dog on 2:17:26.840 --> 2:17:29.360 the street, I'm like, hello, how are you nice to 2:17:29.400 --> 2:17:31.720 meet you? What's your name? I just I love dogs 2:17:31.760 --> 2:17:35.240 and I love animals in general too, So I really 2:17:35.240 --> 2:17:38.600 think that dogs are connectors. And I've met a lot 2:17:38.600 --> 2:17:41.840 of people and had so many amazing interesting conversations because 2:17:41.879 --> 2:17:44.680 of our dogs. If you're out walking your dog and 2:17:44.680 --> 2:17:46.400 people stop you, Oh my god, what kind of dog 2:17:46.440 --> 2:17:48.400 is that? Oh my god, you're so beautiful? Is you know, 2:17:48.440 --> 2:17:50.120 are they a boy or are they a girl? What's 2:17:50.160 --> 2:17:52.720 their name? And and the next thing you know, you're 2:17:52.720 --> 2:17:55.960 having a full blown conversation with a complete and total stranger. 2:17:56.440 --> 2:17:58.760 But I feel like I'm in a safe space. You know. 2:17:58.959 --> 2:18:03.120 It's it's really interesting. And I as a shy I 2:18:03.160 --> 2:18:06.160 started out really shy and kind of an introverted person. 2:18:06.680 --> 2:18:09.440 Having Tate, everybody loved him. People were like, oh my god, 2:18:09.440 --> 2:18:12.400 that's the cutest dog I've ever seen. And I had 2:18:12.440 --> 2:18:14.680 to open up. I had to have conversations with people, 2:18:14.720 --> 2:18:16.480 and he helped me do that, and he helped me 2:18:16.520 --> 2:18:21.320 connect with people. And you know, someone that works with 2:18:21.360 --> 2:18:23.680 me on Tate and Taylor. I met through Tate in 2:18:23.720 --> 2:18:27.000 my building, you know, because we had like a doggy 2:18:27.080 --> 2:18:29.640 play date group chat in the building and she invited 2:18:29.720 --> 2:18:32.080 us and you know, our dogs were playing and we 2:18:32.120 --> 2:18:36.320 connected and now she's helping me, you know, build Bill 2:18:36.360 --> 2:18:38.600 Tate and Taylor. So I love dogs. I think that 2:18:38.760 --> 2:18:42.360 there's there are just amazing and and they're connectors, and 2:18:42.840 --> 2:18:45.440 it's something that I love so much and find so 2:18:45.520 --> 2:18:48.560 much joy in. And I hope that people, you know, 2:18:48.879 --> 2:18:52.320 receive that and see that and are excited about it, 2:18:52.360 --> 2:18:55.760 because you know, I'm really passionate about how I take 2:18:55.800 --> 2:18:58.520 care of my dog and the love I want to 2:18:58.560 --> 2:19:00.320 give him. I want to give give him the best 2:19:00.320 --> 2:19:02.880 life possible. Because they're not with us forever is you know, 2:19:03.280 --> 2:19:06.280 I know very well, and I want to cherish every 2:19:06.320 --> 2:19:08.880 single second I possibly can with them. And I know 2:19:08.920 --> 2:19:11.760 so many pet pet people and people who have pets 2:19:11.800 --> 2:19:15.120 want that as well. And you know, there's definitely a 2:19:15.200 --> 2:19:20.480 lack of community. I think in the pet industry there 2:19:20.600 --> 2:19:23.240 is community, but there's not like a place. I feel 2:19:23.240 --> 2:19:26.560 like there wasn't a place to go for information to 2:19:26.600 --> 2:19:28.840 connect to other people. And I really hope to build 2:19:28.879 --> 2:19:31.680 that and grotate and tailor into something where people feel 2:19:31.680 --> 2:19:33.879 like this is happening to me and I don't know 2:19:33.879 --> 2:19:36.440 what to do. Maybe we can help you figure that out. 2:19:36.760 --> 2:19:39.000 So that's sort of the intention in doing what we're doing. 2:19:39.080 --> 2:19:44.039 You know, we have the online store, We're like curating products, 2:19:44.040 --> 2:19:47.520 We're looking for amazing founders and brands and people who 2:19:47.560 --> 2:19:50.520 are doing innovative things in the pet space with whether 2:19:50.560 --> 2:19:53.680 that's treats that are with really great quality, we have 2:19:53.760 --> 2:19:56.600 women owned businesses. I love the idea of supporting women 2:19:56.680 --> 2:20:00.879 and you know, young cool entrepreneurs or is doing really 2:20:00.879 --> 2:20:04.320 interesting things and maybe helping do that together and giving 2:20:04.360 --> 2:20:06.720 them a space and a platform to showcase and talk 2:20:06.760 --> 2:20:09.400 about their product and why it's great and and why 2:20:09.440 --> 2:20:13.560 it's different, and you know, help them sort of just 2:20:13.600 --> 2:20:16.360 like share what they're doing with the world. Because there's 2:20:16.400 --> 2:20:19.600 so many passionate, you know entrepreneurs out there who are 2:20:19.640 --> 2:20:23.160 starting these companies in the pet space and they're so 2:20:23.400 --> 2:20:26.360 dedicated and they have just as much passion and love 2:20:26.400 --> 2:20:28.640 as I do for their dogs, and and they've gone 2:20:28.680 --> 2:20:30.959 through something it's completely different than maybe I've gone through 2:20:30.959 --> 2:20:34.080 with Tate, you know. So it's really interesting people to 2:20:34.120 --> 2:20:37.760 speak with businesses and speak with you know, founders about 2:20:38.120 --> 2:20:40.959 why they started their company, what their goal, and what 2:20:41.000 --> 2:20:43.080 their mission and their drive is, why they're doing what 2:20:43.080 --> 2:20:46.320 they're doing, you know, challenges they've faced as women in 2:20:46.320 --> 2:20:51.080 the industry, as you know, just an entrepreneur, being an 2:20:51.240 --> 2:20:54.160 entrepreneur in general, there's there's so many things that you 2:20:54.240 --> 2:20:56.800 know we would we want to touch on in in 2:20:56.840 --> 2:21:00.360 that space that I think there's just I felt it 2:21:00.400 --> 2:21:02.320 wasn't there when I was going through that with Tait, 2:21:02.440 --> 2:21:04.520 you know, and I really want to create that for 2:21:04.640 --> 2:21:08.320 people and bring people together and have it be fun 2:21:08.520 --> 2:21:12.200 and you know, really easy and exciting, you know, to 2:21:12.320 --> 2:21:15.039 care and like find cool products and great and things 2:21:15.040 --> 2:21:17.720 at work that you know we like for our pets. 2:21:17.720 --> 2:21:22.680 So yeah, that's a really powerful stop. No, it's a 2:21:22.760 --> 2:21:26.480 really powerful intention and powerful mission. And it's it's so 2:21:26.640 --> 2:21:28.959 clear and evident, and I feel like you're going to 2:21:29.000 --> 2:21:33.039 revolutionize the pet space. It's it's it's obvious that your 2:21:33.360 --> 2:21:35.920 driving passion is true. And a couple of lessons I 2:21:35.959 --> 2:21:37.920 took away just listening to you. One was this idea. 2:21:37.959 --> 2:21:40.280 I think we live in a world where when we 2:21:40.360 --> 2:21:43.760 discover something we're passionate about, we like to discount our 2:21:43.800 --> 2:21:46.039 past experience and make it seem like, oh. 2:21:45.959 --> 2:21:47.039 Now I've found it. 2:21:47.600 --> 2:21:50.040 Whatever I did before was kind of like it was there, 2:21:50.080 --> 2:21:50.680 but now. 2:21:50.520 --> 2:21:51.039 I found it. 2:21:51.040 --> 2:21:53.800 And what I love hearing about from you, and I 2:21:53.959 --> 2:21:57.560 definitely resonate with what you said, it's like, actually every 2:21:57.600 --> 2:22:03.279 stage of your career unlocks the opportunity, the ability, the ideas, 2:22:03.320 --> 2:22:06.160 the resources, the connectivity to do the next thing. And 2:22:06.240 --> 2:22:08.039 I think if anyone out there is right now you're listening, 2:22:08.080 --> 2:22:09.680 and you're going to hate my job, I hate where 2:22:09.680 --> 2:22:09.959 I am. 2:22:10.160 --> 2:22:11.280 I don't like what I'm doing. 2:22:11.640 --> 2:22:13.959 I promise you there's some skill or some lesson or 2:22:14.000 --> 2:22:16.560 some person or some contact that you met through that 2:22:16.560 --> 2:22:19.280 that could help you build the next part of yourself 2:22:19.600 --> 2:22:22.759 and overall your business. 2:22:22.360 --> 2:22:23.119 And your venture. 2:22:23.160 --> 2:22:27.080 In this direction you've gone in is truly a journey 2:22:27.120 --> 2:22:31.840 of pain to purpose, of passion to purpose, of using 2:22:31.840 --> 2:22:34.920 your platform for a purpose. And I think that it's 2:22:34.959 --> 2:22:38.120 such a beautiful example that so many of us, no 2:22:38.160 --> 2:22:40.360 matter what our pains are, what our stresses are, what 2:22:40.400 --> 2:22:43.800 our challenges are, that we can transform them into an 2:22:43.840 --> 2:22:45.800 offering to help other people who are going through the 2:22:45.800 --> 2:22:46.400 same time. 2:22:47.160 --> 2:22:51.440 Yeah, building a brand with intention, I think, and with 2:22:52.040 --> 2:22:55.039 a purpose to give back and help, I think is 2:22:55.080 --> 2:22:57.640 really important and something that especially in the PET space, 2:22:57.680 --> 2:23:01.240 I felt was lacking because there's so many areas I 2:23:01.240 --> 2:23:04.040 would love to tap into out, you know, just beyond 2:23:04.120 --> 2:23:10.280 the cancer funding and maybe even cancer research and getting 2:23:10.280 --> 2:23:13.400 into that and understanding why and how and you know, 2:23:13.840 --> 2:23:16.720 and as well as rescue. You know, we work with 2:23:16.840 --> 2:23:21.320 rescue organizations and my Salem, my dog, Salem, is a 2:23:21.360 --> 2:23:24.720 rescue and and that's an experience that he's been teaching 2:23:24.760 --> 2:23:28.000 me about and something that I want. I want to 2:23:28.959 --> 2:23:32.480 make a change and make an impact in. I think 2:23:32.520 --> 2:23:35.120 for me with Titan Taylor, the most important thing about 2:23:35.400 --> 2:23:38.879 this business is using it to make make an impact 2:23:39.040 --> 2:23:42.400 and do good things with it, and and use it 2:23:42.440 --> 2:23:45.920 to help people and help others and help dogs, you know, 2:23:46.120 --> 2:23:49.600 help people who have dogs or you know, hopefully animals 2:23:49.640 --> 2:23:52.600 pets in general. We'll get there one day. Well, if 2:23:52.680 --> 2:23:54.360 you have an iguana, great, maybe we will be able 2:23:54.400 --> 2:23:56.200 to help you with that. I don't know, who knows 2:23:56.200 --> 2:23:57.920 where it's going to go. That's what's so exciting. It's 2:23:57.920 --> 2:24:00.560 so new and it's so fresh, and right now we're 2:24:00.600 --> 2:24:04.640 dogs right now. So I'm obviously talking about dogs because 2:24:05.280 --> 2:24:08.959 that's what we are doing currently. I do have the 2:24:09.040 --> 2:24:11.800 hope and the optimism and the intention to want to 2:24:11.840 --> 2:24:15.640 do as much as I possibly can. But you know, 2:24:16.520 --> 2:24:18.840 I'm going to focus on one thing and then we 2:24:18.920 --> 2:24:21.280 can start growing from there and building on top of that. 2:24:21.480 --> 2:24:25.959 So in the pet space, there's just so much that 2:24:26.040 --> 2:24:28.840 I want to do and so much I want to accomplish, 2:24:28.840 --> 2:24:31.600 and I want to be able to build something that 2:24:32.480 --> 2:24:36.119 helps most importantly and that does give back, and that 2:24:36.240 --> 2:24:39.039 does have a drive and does have a cause, because 2:24:39.600 --> 2:24:41.080 there is a drive and there is a cause, and 2:24:41.080 --> 2:24:42.920 there is a reason behind everything that I'm doing, and 2:24:42.959 --> 2:24:47.000 its Tait. It's dedicated to him. It's dedicated to everything 2:24:47.040 --> 2:24:49.320 he taught me, the love I know he has for me, 2:24:49.720 --> 2:24:52.840 the love I have for him, and it's for everyone 2:24:52.879 --> 2:24:55.000 who's ever felt that way about a dog or a 2:24:55.000 --> 2:24:57.400 pet in their life. It's a dedication to that. It's 2:24:57.440 --> 2:25:00.840 a dedication to that feeling and knowing you want to 2:25:00.840 --> 2:25:03.600 take care of something, you love something so deeply. So 2:25:03.680 --> 2:25:06.440 do we We know that feeling, We understand that, and 2:25:06.560 --> 2:25:08.680 we want to make something and build something with you 2:25:08.800 --> 2:25:13.880 that is impactful and meaningful and helpful and connective and 2:25:14.320 --> 2:25:17.880 hopefully we can you know, build a great community and 2:25:18.680 --> 2:25:22.120 have incredible resources for people. So you know, we're this 2:25:22.200 --> 2:25:24.720 is just the beginning of our of our journey with it, 2:25:24.760 --> 2:25:27.000 and I'm really really excited about it. 2:25:27.080 --> 2:25:28.920 So well, congratulations Taylor. 2:25:29.000 --> 2:25:32.080 And we end every episode of On Purpose with a 2:25:32.200 --> 2:25:34.360 fast five, which you have to be answered in one 2:25:34.400 --> 2:25:36.480 word to one sentence maximum. 2:25:36.760 --> 2:25:39.600 I talk a lot before. We might have noticed from that. 2:25:40.000 --> 2:25:44.640 Yes, So, Taylor Hill, these are your final five. Question 2:25:44.680 --> 2:25:47.000 one is what is the best advice you've ever heard 2:25:47.120 --> 2:25:47.680 or received? 2:25:48.080 --> 2:25:50.760 Best advice is do what you love and the rest 2:25:50.800 --> 2:25:52.400 will come. My dad told me that. 2:25:53.520 --> 2:25:54.400 Great answer, all right. 2:25:54.480 --> 2:25:57.080 Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever 2:25:57.120 --> 2:25:57.960 heard or received? 2:25:58.440 --> 2:26:03.200 Maybe if you ignore it, it'll go away or something. Yeah, 2:26:03.240 --> 2:26:04.720 that's absolutely not true. 2:26:05.840 --> 2:26:06.400 Good answer. 2:26:06.720 --> 2:26:10.879 Question number three, what's the first thing you do every 2:26:10.920 --> 2:26:12.800 morning and the last thing you do every night? 2:26:13.200 --> 2:26:15.800 Well, I'm really not a morning person. So first thing 2:26:15.800 --> 2:26:18.560 in the morning, I'm like, why am I awake? What's 2:26:18.600 --> 2:26:22.240 that alarm? Why what's happening? I'm very disoriented first thing 2:26:22.280 --> 2:26:27.880 in the morning, and I think I drink coffee. I 2:26:27.920 --> 2:26:30.040 need I need to have a cup of coffee. I'm 2:26:30.080 --> 2:26:33.680 not a morning person. And then at night, I love 2:26:34.520 --> 2:26:38.640 snuggling with my dog, kissing Salem and in the past, 2:26:38.959 --> 2:26:42.880 you know, kissing Tate, having our good night cuddles. You know, 2:26:43.200 --> 2:26:45.560 if I'm at home with my husband, this is more 2:26:45.600 --> 2:26:49.040 than one sentence. I've already failed, you know, saying good 2:26:49.120 --> 2:26:52.240 night and you know, having time, like you know, our 2:26:52.360 --> 2:26:55.199 connection with him. 2:26:55.959 --> 2:27:02.280 Question number four, what's something you learned lately? Something a 2:27:02.360 --> 2:27:04.959 skill that you picked up, a lesson that you learned recently. 2:27:05.640 --> 2:27:08.240 Not that recent, but lately I've been learning how to 2:27:08.280 --> 2:27:12.480 cook and doing it better, cooking more and being better 2:27:12.520 --> 2:27:13.840 at it. But that's taken time. 2:27:14.680 --> 2:27:15.640 Nice it does. 2:27:16.959 --> 2:27:19.360 Fifth and final question, If you could create one law 2:27:19.840 --> 2:27:22.400 that everyone in the world had to follow, what would 2:27:22.400 --> 2:27:22.680 it be? 2:27:23.400 --> 2:27:28.840 Always grow, you know, always change, like be willing to 2:27:28.879 --> 2:27:31.520 grow and change. I don't know how to apply that 2:27:31.560 --> 2:27:34.560 as a law, but I think growth is so important, 2:27:34.600 --> 2:27:39.240 and you know, acknowledging past mistakes and growing and changing 2:27:39.280 --> 2:27:41.440 from them is really important. Something I'm still learning and 2:27:41.480 --> 2:27:43.400 trying to do. But I think if we can all 2:27:44.400 --> 2:27:46.240 work on that and do that, maybe the world could 2:27:46.240 --> 2:27:47.000 be a better place. 2:27:47.280 --> 2:27:48.959 Absolutely well, sir Taylor. 2:27:49.040 --> 2:27:51.480 Hell everyone, Taylor, thank you so much for sharing your heart, 2:27:51.520 --> 2:27:56.640 your soul, your beautiful experiences. Thank you for being so 2:27:56.720 --> 2:27:59.000 open and honest with our community, and everyone's been listening 2:27:59.080 --> 2:28:01.959 and watching. I know that this would have affected you. 2:28:02.000 --> 2:28:03.840 I know you are friends and family who've been through 2:28:03.840 --> 2:28:06.560 some of these experiences that Taylor shared with us. Please 2:28:06.600 --> 2:28:09.640 pass this episode onto them, maybe even sit and listen 2:28:09.640 --> 2:28:12.039 to it with them and hold them through it. I 2:28:12.040 --> 2:28:13.920 would love you to use this episode as a way 2:28:14.000 --> 2:28:17.720 of having some of those uncomfortable, difficult conversations. And of 2:28:17.760 --> 2:28:20.039 course check out Tate and Taylor. Can't wait for you 2:28:20.120 --> 2:28:23.000 to give your dogs all the love that they deserve. 2:28:23.240 --> 2:28:25.000 And I want to say a big thank you again 2:28:25.040 --> 2:28:27.320 to Taylor for her presence, love and energies. 2:28:27.360 --> 2:28:29.880 Thank you very much, happy to have been here. Thank you. 2:28:30.640 --> 2:28:33.440 If you love this episode, you will also love my 2:28:33.600 --> 2:28:38.000 interview with Kendall Jenna on setting boundaries to increase happiness 2:28:38.280 --> 2:28:40.360 and healing. You're in a child You. 2:28:40.320 --> 2:28:42.520 Could be reading something that someone is saying about you 2:28:42.560 --> 2:28:44.520 and being like, that is so unfair because that's not 2:28:44.560 --> 2:28:47.439 who I am and that really gets to me sometimes. 2:28:47.440 --> 2:28:49.240 But then looking at myself in the mirror and being like, 2:28:49.280 --> 2:28:51.760 but I know who I am. Why does anything else matter?