Speaker 1: Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes is a production of I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio. Welcome My Love's to the third season of
Speaker 1: Holy Human with Me Leanne Rhymes. I cannot believe we
Speaker 1: are at three seasons already, because in many ways I
Speaker 1: feel like we are just getting started, and I am
Speaker 1: so honored and appreciative of you all being here to
Speaker 1: share this incredible conversation I had with today's guest. Mel
Speaker 1: Robbins is a former lawyer turned CNN Legal analyst turned
Speaker 1: best selling author and talk show host. Mel is also
Speaker 1: one of the most widely booked public speakers in the world.
Speaker 1: Her videos have over a billion combined views a billion,
Speaker 1: which is crazy, including her ted X talk how to
Speaker 1: Stop Screwing Yourself over. I think we'd all learn a
Speaker 1: lot from that. That one has over twenty seven million
Speaker 1: views alone. Mel's books include The Global Phenomenal On, The
Speaker 1: Five Second Rule, and her latest is The High five
Speaker 1: Habit Take Control of Your Life with One simple Habit.
Speaker 1: I got so much out of this book that I
Speaker 1: actually read it twice, and I hit it off with
Speaker 1: mouth so well that we're going to break up our
Speaker 1: marathon talk into two really enlightening fun episodes. Here My
Speaker 1: Friends is Part one with the feisty and fascinating Mel Robbins.
Speaker 1: Fact I could, Hi, Mel, Hi, thank you for coming
Speaker 1: on the Holy Humid Podcast. It is truly an honor
Speaker 1: to have you. I'm very honored. Well, thank you for
Speaker 1: having me. Why are you honored because I think you're
Speaker 1: a badass? Oh? Oh, thank you, I do. It's pretty
Speaker 1: cool coming from another badass. Thank you, Thank you. I
Speaker 1: am Yeah. I'm just always just amazed at your authenticity.
Speaker 1: And it's I think that I put myself out there
Speaker 1: and in that way. I mean, this is kind of
Speaker 1: what I Why I started this podcast was to be
Speaker 1: able to connect with people on a real human level.
Speaker 1: And I just love I love your humanity and it's
Speaker 1: I think it's rare that we tell people like I
Speaker 1: love to see your humanity and it's beautiful. So thank
Speaker 1: you for being so open and sharing your humanity with everybody. Well,
Speaker 1: you know, you and I have a shared experience and
Speaker 1: that we have both either fallen into or dug holes
Speaker 1: for ourselves, and uh, the process of trying to climb
Speaker 1: out of those holes is what always leads you to
Speaker 1: both a better place in your life and to a
Speaker 1: lot of wisdom and it's not the easiest process. I mean,
Speaker 1: I personally would have rather taken a class, got a
Speaker 1: PhD uh, and avoided the mistakes that I've made in
Speaker 1: my life. But I think the humanity or the authenticity
Speaker 1: that you see is a function of the fact that
Speaker 1: I spent so many years of my life lying, pretending
Speaker 1: to be somebody I wasn't beating myself up that when
Speaker 1: I finally got to the other side of that and
Speaker 1: realized how freeing it is to accept yourself and to
Speaker 1: just be yourself, the good parts and the bad parts,
Speaker 1: and know that we're all a work in progress, it's
Speaker 1: just so much fucking easier to live your life that way.
Speaker 1: It is that there's so much energy that goes into
Speaker 1: hiding that it doesn't all the energy goes there, and
Speaker 1: then you miss out, Like what I've found is you
Speaker 1: miss out on creativity, you miss out on life, and
Speaker 1: because you've been stuffing down, you know, all of your
Speaker 1: humanity basically and keeping trying to keep this facade, and
Speaker 1: it is it's exhausting. So it's waul and everybody's doing it.
Speaker 1: Everybody's doing it, and it's not the thing that everybody
Speaker 1: wants to be doing right. No, no, I think that
Speaker 1: we um you know what, what, what I'm sure we'll
Speaker 1: get into is that most of us are simply trying
Speaker 1: to survive and we are doing the best that we
Speaker 1: can with the patterns of behavior, in the patterns of
Speaker 1: thinking and the hard wiring based on the experiences of
Speaker 1: our childhood. And I spent many, many decades of my
Speaker 1: life bringing my head against the wall, going why the
Speaker 1: funk can't I just tell the truth? Why do I
Speaker 1: have to constantly screw everything up? Why can't I change
Speaker 1: this behavior? And I now understand why I was trapped
Speaker 1: in patterns of thinking, and I was trapped in patterns
Speaker 1: of behavior that I wasn't even aware of. Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: layers to that, because you become you know, I feel
Speaker 1: like I've done and I'm sure you've been there too,
Speaker 1: Like if you've done so much work and so much expansion,
Speaker 1: and then you get to this place where you're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm thriving, and then all of a sudden, like you
Speaker 1: hit a new wall and you're like, WHOA, there's a
Speaker 1: new one. I wasn't even aware it was there. There's
Speaker 1: a there's an old pattern that I didn't even recognize
Speaker 1: until you know, eight ten years into digging into these patterns.
Speaker 1: So I think it's a lifelong thing. It's a lifelong
Speaker 1: thing that we I've learned. I've I've actually learned to
Speaker 1: enjoy it. It's like, Oh, you know, really, what's your secret?
Speaker 1: Like I'm waiting for things to be easy and fun.
Speaker 1: I don't I don't know how you're enjoying well, easy
Speaker 1: and fun. Um. I guess maybe I'm putting the ease
Speaker 1: and the fun into the expansion and the dig getting,
Speaker 1: you know, the all of this stuff that I'm learning.
Speaker 1: For me, it's like, I think, why I enjoy? So
Speaker 1: what do you what are you constantly? What are you
Speaker 1: grappling with right now? And you're what do you mean
Speaker 1: is there a pattern of behavior? Like? What is the
Speaker 1: place where, whether you like it or not, life is
Speaker 1: trying to quote expand who you are or your consciousness?
Speaker 1: What is the experience that's testing you. Oh that's a
Speaker 1: good question. I think one of the biggest things for me.
Speaker 1: And I think maybe you can relate to this because
Speaker 1: of going, like you're saying, digging our own graves in
Speaker 1: a way of falling into them, digging our way back
Speaker 1: out of them. Um, you know, for me being in
Speaker 1: the public eye for so long, it's been it's been
Speaker 1: a challenge to remain open hearted and fully in the
Speaker 1: world when all I want to do is protect myself.
Speaker 1: I mean, just even starting this podcast took me so
Speaker 1: much us to be like, I'm going to I'm going
Speaker 1: to step fully into this other new place in my
Speaker 1: life and suck at it possibly and whatever it may be,
Speaker 1: but I'm going to try something new. And that's why
Speaker 1: I love I've loved seeing you try new things, and
Speaker 1: you try new things all the time on you know,
Speaker 1: on Instagram and share them with everyone, and it's that's
Speaker 1: where I've come to this place in my life where
Speaker 1: I'm I used to not want to try anything new
Speaker 1: because I thought I was going to fail at it
Speaker 1: and there would be the whole world watching. And now
Speaker 1: I've I'm really kind of stepping into this new place
Speaker 1: of of trying new things and it's but keeping my
Speaker 1: heart open in the process and not closing down is
Speaker 1: really my where my rub is currently. I would imagine, um,
Speaker 1: you know, just just to share a little bit when
Speaker 1: we were getting ready to you know, do this interview
Speaker 1: with you, I of course I am a professional stalker.
Speaker 1: So I start by googling, you know, like, why would
Speaker 1: you ever show up to an interview not prepared, not
Speaker 1: knowing who you're talking to or what their audiences. That's
Speaker 1: just pure laziness. And I had no idea about the
Speaker 1: controversy related to cheating and your marriage, no idea, And
Speaker 1: I share that with you because Number One, I can't
Speaker 1: even imagine what it must be like. Two have so
Speaker 1: much of your life talked about in the public eye,
Speaker 1: and I think for those of us that don't have
Speaker 1: the kind of celebrity or the reach that you have,
Speaker 1: it must feel like every day of your life you're
Speaker 1: walking back into the high school gymnasium, and even though
Speaker 1: you're forty years old, the ship that people were saying
Speaker 1: back in high school is what's kind of brought up
Speaker 1: all the time. And so I want to know how
Speaker 1: do you deal with that? Because I applaud the fact
Speaker 1: that you're now putting you're putting yourself out there and
Speaker 1: you're owning kind of what happens next, Right, that's the
Speaker 1: best way to deal with what people are saying. Right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm creating what happens, and it's how I deal with it.
Speaker 1: And maybe I mean because you're you're in that space
Speaker 1: too where people know you you you are, Yeah, You've
Speaker 1: you've become this like household name through your books and
Speaker 1: because you are so relatable, I think people really it's
Speaker 1: something that I think it's something that happened to me too,
Speaker 1: because I grew up in the public eye. People think
Speaker 1: they really know you, like you're their friends, sister, they're
Speaker 1: part of their family, and so they have a lot
Speaker 1: to say. Um, and so you know, for me, I
Speaker 1: have realized that everybody can only see through the lens
Speaker 1: in which they view life through. And that used to
Speaker 1: be like that used to be this kind of philosophical
Speaker 1: like the idea more so than it used to be
Speaker 1: embodied for me. And now I've I've really come to
Speaker 1: understand that we all are responsible for the lens in
Speaker 1: which we've be life through. And so when people when
Speaker 1: you say, I'm still walking back into that gym, you know,
Speaker 1: and I and people are still having the same conversations
Speaker 1: about me, Well, I'm sorry you still stuck there. Like
Speaker 1: that's how I feel about it. It's like because I'm
Speaker 1: not and I'm far gone and like you're you know,
Speaker 1: I'm creating I'm creating my story from here on out
Speaker 1: that yeah, that was a part of my story. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm I do own it fully. And when you take
Speaker 1: ownership of those pieces of yourself, um, you get to
Speaker 1: rewrite your story from that moment on. And that's what
Speaker 1: you know. That's what I find so beautiful about you
Speaker 1: is that you have you have owned all these pieces
Speaker 1: of your story, and you also you create art. I
Speaker 1: think you're great artists because you create art with your
Speaker 1: With the two books that you've written, the five Second Rule,
Speaker 1: in the High five Habit, You've you've created art from
Speaker 1: these deep vulnerable places in your life. And I think
Speaker 1: that's what great artists do, Like they learn the lesson
Speaker 1: and then they can go teach. Um, if you're so
Speaker 1: lucky to be able to have the platform to do that,
Speaker 1: and you have taught from these very vulnerable places, and
Speaker 1: I I wonder, like, have you ever thought I shouldn't
Speaker 1: have shared that, or like this is too vulnerable? Is
Speaker 1: there ever? Is there ever a rub anywhere for you
Speaker 1: in any part of your life? Never? Uh not with
Speaker 1: my life. But there is one uh line that I
Speaker 1: draw and I learned this the hard way, and that
Speaker 1: is I don't share anything related to my kids unless
Speaker 1: I have their permission. And there is so much amazing
Speaker 1: ship that goes on in our family that would be
Speaker 1: just incredible stories and relatable crap. And I would love
Speaker 1: to just in real time, get on with my twenty
Speaker 1: three and twenty one year old daughters and hash out
Speaker 1: all the ship going out with their friends and the
Speaker 1: boyfriends and the hookups and this and that or my
Speaker 1: son and he's like, I would love that, but that
Speaker 1: is not what they want for their lives. And I
Speaker 1: know that even if I were to disguise the story,
Speaker 1: it gets back and then impacts them. And so that's
Speaker 1: the only area I hope at some point there's a
Speaker 1: shift there, because I feel like there's our family is
Speaker 1: extraordinarily open with one another, and I think that it's
Speaker 1: one of the things that I have done extremely well,
Speaker 1: and that is I've really focused on doing my best
Speaker 1: to not grip my children with a death vice and
Speaker 1: try to make them into what I want them to be.
Speaker 1: I have tried very hard to resist that urge and
Speaker 1: to take a step back and to um really try
Speaker 1: to help them figure out and become who they're meant
Speaker 1: to become, and The one time it really really is
Speaker 1: hard is when one of our kids has an anxiety spike.
Speaker 1: It is so triggering that I just want to swoop
Speaker 1: in and fix it. And that's actually the worst thing
Speaker 1: that you could do as a parent. Yeah, I mean, man,
Speaker 1: as a parent, thank you. You know, as a I
Speaker 1: wish all parents could be that way. And you know,
Speaker 1: my parents were challenged in that way of you know,
Speaker 1: really wanting me to be something very specific. And to
Speaker 1: hear you say that, I know my husband. I have
Speaker 1: two stepson's and my husband is so great and that
Speaker 1: way with with his kids. Um, they are very very
Speaker 1: different than him, and it's wonderful to see him support
Speaker 1: them in becoming their own individual human And you know,
Speaker 1: as as a step mom, it's uh yeah, it's it's
Speaker 1: been a ride to to not push your ideas and
Speaker 1: your views and and and just support them in their
Speaker 1: own like unique individuality. So yeah, thank you, thanks for
Speaker 1: doing that. As a parent, it's great to hear. Well,
Speaker 1: I wasn't always like that. In two thousand and eight,
Speaker 1: my kids have memories of me of coming downstairs at
Speaker 1: the ages of Okay, so two thousand now I'm gonna
Speaker 1: have to do math in real time, which is gonna
Speaker 1: be really and so they're like nine and seven. My
Speaker 1: daughters remember coming down into the kitchen and Mom is
Speaker 1: passed out from drinking herself into a coma the night before,
Speaker 1: asleep in the chair in the living room, and so
Speaker 1: they unfortunately, they remember the arguments that my husband and
Speaker 1: I used to have about money as his business was
Speaker 1: failing and the leans around the house and we were,
Speaker 1: you know, in a state of massive financial crisis, eight
Speaker 1: hundred brand in dead, about to lose the house, and
Speaker 1: so it took a lot of work to get there.
Speaker 1: My daughters also have therapists, so they get to work
Speaker 1: their ship out about me with I mean, I think
Speaker 1: it's important. I think everybody in your family needs a therapist.
Speaker 1: If you're so lucky to be able to have one.
Speaker 1: To me, that is that's absolutely amazing. Well, I want
Speaker 1: to get into your high five Habit book. Um, I
Speaker 1: find this book genius because it's simple and it's poignant,
Speaker 1: and I I loved listening to your audiobook because I
Speaker 1: felt like I was listening to a friend. And so
Speaker 1: I want if you can just break into what is
Speaker 1: the high five habit and how what point in your life, because,
Speaker 1: like I said, you created these books from from deep
Speaker 1: vulnerable points in your life. What point in your life
Speaker 1: kind of made you discover what this high five habit is?
Speaker 1: So the high five habit is like at on its face,
Speaker 1: super simple. Um, I'm on a mission to get every man, woman,
Speaker 1: child to add a high five in the mirror to
Speaker 1: the morning routine. And you're going to find out exactly why.
Speaker 1: Right after this super quick break welcome back everyone, Mel
Speaker 1: was just explaining why adding a simple high five to
Speaker 1: your morning routine can have an amazing impact on your life.
Speaker 1: And I discovered this by mistake in April. And the
Speaker 1: backdrop doesn't even matter. I just was having a moment
Speaker 1: in life where life felt extraordinarily overwhelming and I felt
Speaker 1: beaten down and lost and overwhelmed by the demands of
Speaker 1: my life. And one morning I found myself in the
Speaker 1: bathroom and I was doing my normal morning routine, which
Speaker 1: was picking myself apart as I brushed my teeth, and
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, I think it was divine intervention, I
Speaker 1: literally put my toothbrush down in a moment of sort
Speaker 1: of just I guess I felt bad for the woman
Speaker 1: I saw in the mirror because she looked scared and
Speaker 1: sad and tired and beaten down. And I just raised
Speaker 1: my hand as cheesy as it sounds, and high fived
Speaker 1: myself in the mirror. And that was it, Like that
Speaker 1: was all that happened. And you know, I'm really thankful
Speaker 1: about the fact that in that moment, I felt something shift.
Speaker 1: It wasn't a big thing, it wasn't like life fucking altering.
Speaker 1: In that moment, I just felt this little energy shift.
Speaker 1: And if you pay attention and you develop a skill
Speaker 1: of being present to the energy and your body, you
Speaker 1: can tell when you're on edge. You can tell when
Speaker 1: you're sort of neutral and grounded in your body. You
Speaker 1: can tell when you're excited and energized. Your energy in
Speaker 1: your nervous system does not lie. And what happened when
Speaker 1: I high five myself. The first thing that I noticed
Speaker 1: is I noticed that I went from uh kind of
Speaker 1: dreading and feeling overwhelmed to a little switch of feeling Okay,
Speaker 1: knock it off, mel you got a roof over your head.
Speaker 1: Stop sucking bitching, get out there and deal with your stuff.
Speaker 1: Like just sort of like the kind of energy that
Speaker 1: I needed in that moment. And so the next morning,
Speaker 1: I did it again, and I did it again, and
Speaker 1: I started to notice bigger things. I started to notice
Speaker 1: that I was looking forward to it. I started to
Speaker 1: notice that my mood was shifting. I started to notice
Speaker 1: that I was feeling a little bit more optimistic, a
Speaker 1: little bit more energized. And you know, there's a lot
Speaker 1: of big ship happening that was very overwhelming, and yet
Speaker 1: this tiny little habit of just high fiving the mirror,
Speaker 1: sending myself into the day with this little kind of
Speaker 1: high five in the mirror to the woman that I
Speaker 1: was staring back at. It was changing the way that
Speaker 1: I saw myself. It was changing the way that I
Speaker 1: felt about my day. It was so hard to describe
Speaker 1: just how profound it was. And then one morning, I
Speaker 1: literally just snap a photo. I stick it on Instagram,
Speaker 1: on my stories. I don't even say, hey, guys, try this.
Speaker 1: I literally, I've got my retainer in for God's sakes. Like,
Speaker 1: if I had known that was going to be the photo,
Speaker 1: I'm vain enough that I probably would have picked a
Speaker 1: different one. And within an hour, a hundred people from
Speaker 1: around the world had posted photos of them high fiving
Speaker 1: themselves back. And I'm like, oh, whoa, Okay, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: and then the story started to roll in. And so
Speaker 1: this is what my thing is. I love making a
Speaker 1: difference in the lives of real people. And I think
Speaker 1: most of us are silently struggling, whether we feel lonely,
Speaker 1: or we feel lost, or we feel disconnected, or we
Speaker 1: feel scared, or we're just languishing the sense that you've
Speaker 1: got the law and you can't quite put your finger
Speaker 1: on it. And what I started to here in people's
Speaker 1: stories that were coming in is that there was this
Speaker 1: overwhelming sense for people. And I don't know if it's
Speaker 1: the pandemic. I don't know if it's just modern life.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just that these are the
Speaker 1: kinds of folks that follow me online. But I think
Speaker 1: it's very universal to just feel lost right now, you know,
Speaker 1: especially two years into this unprecedented pandemic where everybody's nervous
Speaker 1: system has been flipped into a state of fight or flight.
Speaker 1: There is no way, unless you are a Buddhist monk,
Speaker 1: that you are relaxed right now. You're not even aware
Speaker 1: that the way that a fridge that needs to get
Speaker 1: serviced is humming in the background, that your nervous system
Speaker 1: is bracing. It's bracing for news that flights are canceled
Speaker 1: or the kids aren't going back, or that your sister
Speaker 1: in law now has it, or that it's going to
Speaker 1: be another fucking variant like something we have lived through
Speaker 1: so much, unlike sustained uncertainty, that everybody's nervous system is
Speaker 1: now flipped into on edge mode. And we're not built
Speaker 1: to live like this. We are built to flip between
Speaker 1: being on edge and being at rest and being uh,
Speaker 1: you know, anxious versus being calm and confident. And so
Speaker 1: I took on a year and a half long research
Speaker 1: project with the millions of people that follow me, and
Speaker 1: what we can conclusively say is that if you add
Speaker 1: a high five to your morning routine, it will take
Speaker 1: you less than five days to have a neurological, chemical,
Speaker 1: and physiological change in your body that boost your confidence,
Speaker 1: that boost your mood, that gives you a little bit
Speaker 1: more energy, and most importantly helps you reconnect and build
Speaker 1: a partnership with yourself. Wow, that's really profound. Five days.
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't know, there's not many pills that
Speaker 1: can say I can help you in five is I mean,
Speaker 1: what I'll happy help you in like two hours. Have
Speaker 1: you actually have you tried that? Have you actually tried
Speaker 1: I haven't tried an academy. I have not tried ketamine therapy.
Speaker 1: But my my husband and I have done guided m
Speaker 1: d m A therapy, both of us for childhood trauma.
Speaker 1: And it has been absolutely the most profound thing I've
Speaker 1: ever done. Um. I once heard somebody say, and I
Speaker 1: can't remember who it is that you know, trauma gets
Speaker 1: stored in your nervous system, your body, and your brain.
Speaker 1: Remember the traumatic experience, whether the trauma trauma can be
Speaker 1: positive or negative. But most of us, you know, talk
Speaker 1: about the negative traumatic experiences, but the negative traumatic experiences
Speaker 1: are recorded in your nervous system. And I once heard
Speaker 1: somebody say, if you didn't talk yourself into the trauma,
Speaker 1: you will not be able to talk yourself out of it.
Speaker 1: That you need a corresponding physical interruption to smooth out
Speaker 1: the disruption that was caused by that event. And so
Speaker 1: what m d m A did for me and for
Speaker 1: my husband, because it suppresses the amygdala, so that when
Speaker 1: you take it, especially in that setting with a therapist
Speaker 1: guiding you and with a particular intention and a protocol
Speaker 1: from maps is that it suppresses the amygdala, so you
Speaker 1: don't have a terrifying fear response to it. You can
Speaker 1: open up your heart and revisit experiences and not have
Speaker 1: that like high nervous system response, so that you can
Speaker 1: again smooth out your nervous system in relation to the memory.
Speaker 1: You can give your brain a chance to slot the
Speaker 1: memories back into the proper long term memory place. And
Speaker 1: it is game changing. That's amazing. Let's get to hear
Speaker 1: because I've actually been thinking about you mentioned kedemy and
Speaker 1: I've done some research and ketamine and m DMA and
Speaker 1: different different therapies UM, and I've loved me. I would
Speaker 1: do a long The one thing I don't want to
Speaker 1: do is ayahuasca because I'm not with a bunch of strangers.
Speaker 1: I don't need to to have an hallucinogenic thing with
Speaker 1: terrifying frogs and monkeys. I feel realize that, oh I
Speaker 1: can get myself through anything. That's the big thing I
Speaker 1: got out of this. I feel you're so hard on
Speaker 1: that one. I Well, what I find really interesting about
Speaker 1: the High five is that you know we are very um,
Speaker 1: we're very literate in this language of judgment in our head,
Speaker 1: right and so, and we're not very literate in the
Speaker 1: language of compassion self compassion, and I think we were
Speaker 1: when we try to talk to people and ourselves about
Speaker 1: the self compassion piece, it's like, well, how do I begin?
Speaker 1: How do I start? And how do I start to
Speaker 1: have this conversation and change the script? And the great
Speaker 1: thing about the High five is like, for me, when
Speaker 1: I listen to you talk, it's like, Oh, that's that's
Speaker 1: the thing that starts to change the script and then
Speaker 1: we can go from there. But you're right, you have
Speaker 1: to have a different experience um in place of of
Speaker 1: the negative. You can't just start I found you can't
Speaker 1: just dive into like oh I'm gonna be now compassionate
Speaker 1: to myself. There has to be this physical process. And
Speaker 1: that's what I love about this High five is like
Speaker 1: it's so simple and it starts a different conversation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like the power in it and there's there's a tremendous
Speaker 1: amount of um. You know, we've we've simplified it. So
Speaker 1: it's still entertaining research in the book. But I think
Speaker 1: the thing that makes sense at a common sense level
Speaker 1: is for most of us, we have been so horrible
Speaker 1: to ourselves for decades, like you're resting. Default is to say, oh,
Speaker 1: you fucked up, Oh you did that wrong. Oh you're
Speaker 1: not as pretty as Oh you're never gonna amount to.
Speaker 1: Oh your next book won't be this, Oh that you
Speaker 1: screwed that up. Oh this person hates you like you're
Speaker 1: just You don't even realize how relentless the beat down is.
Speaker 1: There's this cognitive distidance because you're so used to hearing it.
Speaker 1: It's almost like, you know, if you really stop and
Speaker 1: think about it, it's either your mother or your father
Speaker 1: or some other caregiver's voice, or there was a traumatic
Speaker 1: experience that locked some type of criticism into your mind.
Speaker 1: And brains are designed to learn patterns, and so you
Speaker 1: know you didn't mean to, but you just adopted the
Speaker 1: same way your mom was hard on yourself, you're now
Speaker 1: hard on you, the same way your dad was hard
Speaker 1: on you. You're now hard on you. It's what's familiar,
Speaker 1: so you keep repeating it. And when you repeat it
Speaker 1: so much, you don't even realize, Like, I had no
Speaker 1: idea how hard I was myself, Like I here I am,
Speaker 1: you know, I've I've I've reinvented myself. I've clawed my
Speaker 1: way out of the first hole. I have built a business.
Speaker 1: I've paid back the eight d grand in debt, I've
Speaker 1: gotten the lanes off the house. I have, you know,
Speaker 1: helped millions of people. When I looked in the mirror,
Speaker 1: I saw a person who I hated. I saw all
Speaker 1: the things that I had done wrong in my life.
Speaker 1: I saw all the things that I wasn't doing, and
Speaker 1: I saw the major gap between me and the people
Speaker 1: that I, at the time thought were better than me.
Speaker 1: And that's what I focused on. You know, I once
Speaker 1: I recently had a friend say, you're the most successful
Speaker 1: person I know who's just as miserable as she is
Speaker 1: successful because you you have been so hard on yourself.
Speaker 1: And he was right. He was right. And and it
Speaker 1: isn't until this, this simple habit of raising your hand
Speaker 1: and high fiving yourself that it kind of broke everything open.
Speaker 1: And you know, here's why this works. You already said it,
Speaker 1: you're a genius. It's because it's a physical action. Your
Speaker 1: brain and your eyeballs are watching you high five yourself,
Speaker 1: and so you are demonstrating, through the action of high
Speaker 1: fiving your own reflection that you believe in yourself, that
Speaker 1: you forgive yourself, that you're going to try your best today,
Speaker 1: and that no matter what, you have your own back.
Speaker 1: So even on your worst mornings, even on those mornings
Speaker 1: where you wake up and you've drank a bottle of
Speaker 1: wine last night and you didn't do what you said
Speaker 1: you were gonna do, and you blew off the gym
Speaker 1: and you're already bitched at your kids, if you can
Speaker 1: high five yourself, it's not a congratulation for screwing up.
Speaker 1: It's a I see you, yesterday was hard, Today is
Speaker 1: going to be better. And so it's a it's a
Speaker 1: demonstration of kind, nous, of compassion, of support, and that
Speaker 1: is a skill that we all need to develop. And
Speaker 1: you know, by god, I just happened to figure out
Speaker 1: a little hack that you can add to your morning
Speaker 1: routine that will help you build that skill. Well, I
Speaker 1: mean it's a yes, it's a little hack, but there's
Speaker 1: can you go into the science a little bit on why?
Speaker 1: And like, I also found it so interesting how you
Speaker 1: know this is a high five is something that we've
Speaker 1: been giving each other forever, like since we can remember,
Speaker 1: and like and how that's already programmed into us and
Speaker 1: what it means. Can you just dive into that a
Speaker 1: little bit because I found it cool. This is really cool. Um. Like,
Speaker 1: the first thing that's really cool is that we're not
Speaker 1: really teaching you anything new. When you add a high
Speaker 1: five to your morning routine, we're unlocking programming that's in
Speaker 1: your brain associated with supporting other people, and we're just
Speaker 1: going to aim it back at you to override decades
Speaker 1: of self criticism and self hay dred. And so when
Speaker 1: you give somebody a high five, Land, what does it
Speaker 1: mean when you go and high five somebody? Great job,
Speaker 1: like you're kicking ass, you know, yeah, I see you?
Speaker 1: Yeah this together? Yeah. Have you ever high fived anybody
Speaker 1: and thought you hate you? Yes? No, No, You've never
Speaker 1: high five somebody and said I hope you lose. May
Speaker 1: the next article they write about you be terrible. You know,
Speaker 1: like it's just like you just it's not even possible
Speaker 1: for your brain to think something negative because the wiring
Speaker 1: with the physical action is a thousand percent positive. And
Speaker 1: this is true for absolutely everybody, and so it's it's
Speaker 1: that's one reason why it works. The other reason why
Speaker 1: this works is because your brain doesn't know the difference
Speaker 1: between you high fiving me or you Land high fiving
Speaker 1: Land's reflection in the mirror. So your brain automatically not
Speaker 1: only grabs the positive programming, but it also gives you
Speaker 1: a drip of dopamine, which boost your mood, and it
Speaker 1: also triggers your nervous system to give you a jolt
Speaker 1: of celebratory energy. And that's why when you high five
Speaker 1: yourself in the mirror, you'll either laugh or your smile.
Speaker 1: And it's also why, even though it feels kind of
Speaker 1: stupid and corny, you can't deny the fact that your
Speaker 1: mood has changed from when you stepped in the bathroom
Speaker 1: too when you leave the bathroom because of the damn
Speaker 1: high five. And it's what it's doing physiologically. And on
Speaker 1: that note, we're going to cut away for a super
Speaker 1: quick break, but we'll be right back with more. Mel Robbins,
Speaker 1: Welcome back. Mel and I were just talking about the
Speaker 1: powerful impact the simple act of high fiving your reflection
Speaker 1: can have. I've found when I when I started doing
Speaker 1: this myself, I've found that at the beginning, there was
Speaker 1: there was a real sense of vulnerability of looking myself
Speaker 1: in the eye and I'll cry not thinking about it.
Speaker 1: There was like there were there was sadness and tears.
Speaker 1: And because I think at first for me at least,
Speaker 1: because I think that it's I recognized how little I
Speaker 1: actually look at myself in the mirror. I don't know
Speaker 1: for me like i've I've avoided mirrors. I don't even
Speaker 1: like mirrors half the time. I think probably a lot
Speaker 1: of people can relate to that because when I look
Speaker 1: at myself, what comes up is I'm gonna judge like
Speaker 1: you're saying, what happened to you, I'm gonna judge every
Speaker 1: single thing about myself. And to look at myself in
Speaker 1: the mirror with this sense of I see you, I've
Speaker 1: got you, I love you. Um, the first thing that
Speaker 1: brought up for me was just like grief. Yeah, say
Speaker 1: more about the grief, because this is the universal experience
Speaker 1: people have. Fifty amount and women, based in our research,
Speaker 1: cannot or will not look at themselves in the mirror
Speaker 1: because they are Yeah, they're either sad about where they
Speaker 1: are or disgusted by where they are, or feel ashamed
Speaker 1: and haven't forgived themselves. There's so much shame there, I
Speaker 1: think for a lot of people, and the grief for
Speaker 1: me is that there's a lot of grief around spending
Speaker 1: almost four decades of my life. I mean, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: say it's been that long now, because I've last several
Speaker 1: years have been about showing up for myself in these
Speaker 1: new ways, um, but about spending decades where I have looked,
Speaker 1: I've avoided the mirror, you know, and to be able
Speaker 1: to finally come and experience myself in an new ay
Speaker 1: with compassion and love, there's grief for all those years
Speaker 1: that I wasn't able to do that. That is the
Speaker 1: most beautiful explanation of why this is such a profound
Speaker 1: thing to add to your morning routine. I had the
Speaker 1: exact same experience. The reason why I did so many
Speaker 1: things that I regretted is because I didn't feel seen
Speaker 1: or heard or loved. The reason why I cheated in
Speaker 1: my best was because I didn't feel those things in
Speaker 1: my relationship. And what I've come to learn as a
Speaker 1: fifty three year old woman is that I also did
Speaker 1: not feel those things for myself, and so I was
Speaker 1: constantly seeking either away to themb the pain, or I
Speaker 1: was seeking a new relationship that would make me feel
Speaker 1: seen and heard and validated. But what I was really
Speaker 1: dealing with was a deep sense of emptiness inside. And
Speaker 1: what's happened by being able to stand and look at
Speaker 1: myself in the mirror, something I couldn't do for decades
Speaker 1: either because of all the regret is I don't even
Speaker 1: see my face anymore. I just see a human being
Speaker 1: who I care about and who I am cheering and
Speaker 1: rooting for. I see a woman who's trying her best.
Speaker 1: And that's what has allowed me to finally forgive myself
Speaker 1: for the things that I did that I used to
Speaker 1: say I wish I could change. If I could do anything,
Speaker 1: i'd take away the pain that I caused. But I
Speaker 1: wouldn't change the things that I did because I needed
Speaker 1: those things to actually find my way here. I agree
Speaker 1: with you, and I I know I've I've said in
Speaker 1: the past, Um, what is coming up for you? No,
Speaker 1: I'm crying. I'm crying right now. I know. I know.
Speaker 1: Um yeah, No, I I think it's beautiful, Like it's
Speaker 1: there's a lot of a lot of grace that I
Speaker 1: feel that is coming up in this conversation and that
Speaker 1: I'm learning how to give myself. And um, yeah, I'm so.
Speaker 1: I'm like I'm hormonal today, but it is. It's not
Speaker 1: just oh my god, I'm going to break the mood here.
Speaker 1: My I literally have been menopausal for two years, have
Speaker 1: not had my period. My fucking daughters have been home.
Speaker 1: Oh that will do it. I just got my period.
Speaker 1: I was like, are you kidding me? I'm around two
Speaker 1: twenty year olds. For two years I have had nothing,
Speaker 1: and now it's time I've got my camp once again.
Speaker 1: Go ahead. No, I was gonna say, I'm I'm in
Speaker 1: the middle of ovdulating right now, and I'm like, this
Speaker 1: is what happens to me when I ovulate, And it's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's I learning your cycle and your hormones. This is
Speaker 1: another place of where I'm learning compassion for myself because
Speaker 1: it's like I'm I get angry, frustrated and all the things,
Speaker 1: and I think every woman out there can understand, and
Speaker 1: it's it's I think what you're seeing is the compassion
Speaker 1: that I'm learning to give myself. And it's like, like
Speaker 1: I said earlier, it's kind of it's been this mental
Speaker 1: construct and these you know, it's been in my head
Speaker 1: and it hasn't been I haven't been able to quite
Speaker 1: drop that into my body. And it's it's now new
Speaker 1: for me to be able to love myself, and it changes,
Speaker 1: it changes everything. And you know, the thing that I um,
Speaker 1: I was surprised by when I started practicing the skill
Speaker 1: of being compassionate and kind to myself and forgiving of
Speaker 1: myself and understanding and being supportive of myself is um
Speaker 1: how it doesn't like make it arrogant. It just lifts
Speaker 1: up your entire experience of life. And you know, I
Speaker 1: understand the grief too, because it's only when you start
Speaker 1: to crack this open and practice the opposite of what
Speaker 1: you have been doing in terms of practicing being kind,
Speaker 1: practicing being supported, practicing seeing yourself and caring for yourself,
Speaker 1: you know in a very emotional way that you realize
Speaker 1: what an asshole you've been and how much pain you've
Speaker 1: been in and why you've been drinking so much and
Speaker 1: running so fast and trying to prove to the world
Speaker 1: that no, no, no, no, no no no, I'm not
Speaker 1: like I'm actually a good person when you didn't feel
Speaker 1: like one. And so being able to align how you
Speaker 1: want to feel about yourself, which is that I am
Speaker 1: a good person and I do matter with how you
Speaker 1: treat and speak to yourself is the ultimate superpower. And
Speaker 1: you know, being a mom, you know, having daughters, it's
Speaker 1: been one of the challenges is watching how they speak
Speaker 1: to themselves, watching how hard they are on themselves. They
Speaker 1: clearly picked it up for me from society. Everybody does.
Speaker 1: And I love that they have the chance two intervene
Speaker 1: and learn how to treat themselves differently at this age,
Speaker 1: rather than waiting another three decades, which is how long
Speaker 1: it took me. Yeah, I mean, I even feel like
Speaker 1: at thirty nine, I feel like I'm doing pretty good.
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, I'm I'm doing this pretty young, actually
Speaker 1: very yeah, And I that's what I love. I think
Speaker 1: what you're tapping into right now to about the next
Speaker 1: generation is hopefully that just happens earlier and earlier. Um.
Speaker 1: And you know, I'm sure as a mom, that's gonna
Speaker 1: be incredibly challenging to see what they have picked up
Speaker 1: from you that now you're shifting for yourself and you're like, wait, wait, wait,
Speaker 1: don't get too hooked into that pattern. We can shift that.
Speaker 1: And I'm sure that's got to be incredibly challenging. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, like I I, um, it's hard not to
Speaker 1: blame everything bad that happens on your kid on some
Speaker 1: fault of your own. And I don't think there's any
Speaker 1: parent on the planet that doesn't do something to traumatize
Speaker 1: or screw their kids up. So it's really like, I
Speaker 1: don't it's not possible, because there's a big difference between
Speaker 1: knowing that you're loved and feeling that you're loved. And
Speaker 1: a lot of times we do things and we rely
Speaker 1: on the fact that our kids know that we've love
Speaker 1: them right, even though we treat them with disrespect or
Speaker 1: bully them or manipulate them emotionally to do things they
Speaker 1: don't want to do. When you start to consider that,
Speaker 1: it's a whole different ball game. If what you aim
Speaker 1: to do is to make somebody feel loved, not know
Speaker 1: that they're loved, but feel loved, you show up differently
Speaker 1: because people process that differently. You know, if you whether
Speaker 1: you're talking about love languages or you're just talking about
Speaker 1: somebody's needs and how they like to express themselves, making
Speaker 1: somebody feel loved looks very different human by human. Wow,
Speaker 1: that is that is super profound. Actually not actually when
Speaker 1: it is profound, because I just I literally before we
Speaker 1: got on here, I'm working with this doctor right now.
Speaker 1: This is absolutely wonderful. And she had me take the
Speaker 1: love language tests and I've taken it in the past,
Speaker 1: but it's shifted, and yeah, it's shifts it for me.
Speaker 1: Mine are now acts of service where I think in
Speaker 1: the past it used to be more of words of
Speaker 1: affirmation and so now mine our acts of service. I
Speaker 1: joke that it's like, Okay, I'm exhausted more these days,
Speaker 1: so I really love when people take care of me
Speaker 1: and do things that I need. Um. But yeah, I
Speaker 1: know it's it's amazing that you just said that, because
Speaker 1: that has been at the forefront of my mind this morning,
Speaker 1: and that shift is yeah, that just blew my mind
Speaker 1: right now. I was like, wow, if you could if
Speaker 1: we could only look at our relationships in that way
Speaker 1: of and with ourselves of not just not just saying.
Speaker 1: And this is something that I've been playing with for myself,
Speaker 1: is you know, showing showing up for myself and you
Speaker 1: know that that high five is showing up for ourselves
Speaker 1: every day. I was listening to something the other day
Speaker 1: and someone was mentioning Mary Oliver the poet was asked
Speaker 1: how she showed up to write, how she was able
Speaker 1: to write all these great poems, and she said, because
Speaker 1: I kept my appointment, and that helped me so so
Speaker 1: um deeply, because I'm I've realized the shifts in my
Speaker 1: life are happening daily now and to a level where it's, um,
Speaker 1: it's it's a quickening, and it's because I'm keeping my appointment.
Speaker 1: And that's what I love. You know. With the high five,
Speaker 1: it's like, it's such a simple appointment to keep. And
Speaker 1: if we start there, then what other appointments are we
Speaker 1: going to keep with ourselves? And that's you know, and
Speaker 1: not only not only with ourselves but with those we love.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like, how am I showing up for myself?
Speaker 1: But then also like how am I keeping my appointment
Speaker 1: with those important relationships around me in my life? And
Speaker 1: you know, when you're saying to make people feel loved,
Speaker 1: not just not just having them mentally understand that that
Speaker 1: just kind of and all the things that I've been
Speaker 1: coming up and flowing through my life, that just yeah,
Speaker 1: that was perfect. So thanks. I'm sure everybody else got
Speaker 1: something out of that, but I don't care. I just
Speaker 1: got something. Will also make sure make sure that you
Speaker 1: answer the question what makes you feel loved? Yes, because
Speaker 1: other people can't read your mind in your body language,
Speaker 1: and you're nervous, and so it's only through asking my husband,
Speaker 1: my kids, my you know, colleagues, my friends, what makes
Speaker 1: you feel supported or loved? All Right, my friends, that's
Speaker 1: where we're gonna wrap part one of my wonderful conversation
Speaker 1: with the very wise Mel Robbins. Be sure to tune
Speaker 1: into the second half, where we'll more deeply dive into
Speaker 1: showing up in relationships for ourselves and the polarizing role
Speaker 1: of medication within the self help space. It's a fascinating
Speaker 1: discussion and I know you'll take away time of tools
Speaker 1: from it, so I'll see then. In the meantime, please
Speaker 1: share this episode with anyone in your life who might
Speaker 1: benefit from its message, and be sure to leave me
Speaker 1: a comment or rating wherever you're listening. I love getting
Speaker 1: your feedback. Until we connect on the next Holy Human
Speaker 1: take care of one another. Bye. Holy Human with Me
Speaker 1: Leanne Rhymes is a production of I Heart Radio. You'll
Speaker 1: find Holy Human with Leanne Rhymes on the I Heart app,
Speaker 1: Apple podcast or wherever you get the podcast that matter
Speaker 1: most to you.