1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of 2 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,480 Speaker 1: Couch Talks. My name is Kat and if your new 3 00:00:16,560 --> 00:00:19,840 Speaker 1: Couch Talks is a special bonus episode of You Need 4 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:23,080 Speaker 1: Therapy that comes out every Wednesday, where I answer questions 5 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:26,119 Speaker 1: that you guys can send straight to me and you 6 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,640 Speaker 1: can send those to Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast 7 00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:33,240 Speaker 1: dot com. And Catherine has spelled k A t h 8 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:35,919 Speaker 1: r y n. You might think that's the weird way 9 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,440 Speaker 1: to spell it. I think it's the right way to 10 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:41,320 Speaker 1: spell it. So you know what's funny is my name 11 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,360 Speaker 1: is Katherine Mary. And of course my Catherine is spelled 12 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: not the traditional way, and a lot of people get 13 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,600 Speaker 1: confused in is your name is supposed to be? Is 14 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,839 Speaker 1: it is this a type? Boat's Mary Catherine? And I'm 15 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:54,440 Speaker 1: like no. My mom and dad named me Katherine Mary 16 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:57,560 Speaker 1: because they wanted to call me by Catherine. They want 17 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,560 Speaker 1: to call me Katherine. And my dad said, well, if 18 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,760 Speaker 1: you call her Catherine, you have to name that her 19 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: first name. You can't name her something and call her 20 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 1: by her middle name, even though many people do that. 21 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:12,280 Speaker 1: I don't know that was his rules. So they flip 22 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: flop the name. So it was Katherine Mary, and like, 23 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:18,680 Speaker 1: do you know any other Katherine Mary? No, because it's 24 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:21,440 Speaker 1: Mary Katherine. But it doesn't really matter because everybody calls 25 00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:24,759 Speaker 1: me Cat now anyway. So I don't know. I've felt 26 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:26,520 Speaker 1: like that was important to share with you guys today, 27 00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,479 Speaker 1: but I did, and I shared it, and so now 28 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:30,960 Speaker 1: we're gonna move on. Um, We're gonna move on with 29 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:33,640 Speaker 1: our quick reminder that this is not therapy, even though 30 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,840 Speaker 1: I'm a therapist answering some questions. That's really what this is. 31 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,959 Speaker 1: A therapist answering questions, but not therapy. And obviously I'm 32 00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: a big supporter of of the things. So if you 33 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: want therapy, I encourage you go out and find that 34 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 1: if that's something that you have the resources to find. 35 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: And also if you are somebody who's looking for therapists 36 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 1: and wants to go to therapy and has those resources, 37 00:01:54,920 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: I like to remind you, guys to refer back to 38 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,760 Speaker 1: that you need therapy. Podcast Instagram account highlight reel on 39 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 1: the top of it where the highlights are there is 40 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,680 Speaker 1: one that says find a therapist or some of the 41 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,280 Speaker 1: longest lines, and I did a couple of slides that 42 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: give some tips and finding therapist, because I get that 43 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,040 Speaker 1: question a lot, and that's the easy way to answer it. Okay, 44 00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 1: so now we do one question a week, and they 45 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,560 Speaker 1: are anonymous questions. Well, they're not anonymous questions. Are they 46 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,720 Speaker 1: anonymous questions? There are questions that I keep the sender 47 00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:29,480 Speaker 1: anonymous from because you know, sometimes people put really personal 48 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,920 Speaker 1: info in here, and I don't think it's necessary for 49 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:34,840 Speaker 1: people to know who sent it in. I mean, if 50 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: you really wanted me to say who you were, I 51 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:40,200 Speaker 1: might consider it. But for the most part, it's a mystery. 52 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:43,640 Speaker 1: So let's get to our question today. Thank you for 53 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: sending this one in. I thought it was really good. Cat. 54 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,240 Speaker 1: I love your show, and as the show continues, I 55 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,320 Speaker 1: can tell you are growing and I love seeing you 56 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 1: on this journey. Which side of this is me? I 57 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,600 Speaker 1: like loved reading that because not only am I growing 58 00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: as a human being through my life, hosting a podcast 59 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: is weird and hard, and I am learning my own 60 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: things along the way through our guests and just through 61 00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: like this thing that people hear me on that I 62 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,200 Speaker 1: didn't never think anybody would listen to. So I appreciate that. 63 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: And now back to your email. I have a few 64 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: questions about relationships and anxious attachment. A marriage of eleven 65 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: and a half years ended this summer, and I think 66 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,920 Speaker 1: I'm ready to consider dating again. I know that my 67 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,160 Speaker 1: ex and I were stuck in the anxious avoidance trap. 68 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:30,360 Speaker 1: I've been putting in a ton of work, including reading, therapy, 69 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: and educating myself on how to stop repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. 70 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 1: My ultimate goal is to be an earned secure That 71 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 1: being said, I'm interested in dating someone who is avoidant 72 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 1: but also putting in the work to improve himself. Should 73 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:47,360 Speaker 1: I stay away from dating and avoidant because old habits 74 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,640 Speaker 1: are hard to break? Also, he knows I have an 75 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,000 Speaker 1: anxious attachment style, but isn't aware of the fact that 76 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:54,920 Speaker 1: I consciously hold back a bit. So I don't repeat 77 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: old patterns. Do I tell him that I am consciously 78 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 1: working to have a healthy relations and ship with him? Okay, 79 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,720 Speaker 1: So I love this question. I love this email for 80 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,400 Speaker 1: so many reasons. Let's talk about it. So let's first 81 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 1: talk about what this earned secure thing is that she's 82 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,240 Speaker 1: speaking of. If you are new to attachment, we have 83 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: a whole episode of multiple episodes. The first episode ever 84 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,800 Speaker 1: and then one of the most popular episodes is attachment 85 00:04:20,839 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 1: to point. Oh, and that was in the probably first 86 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:26,080 Speaker 1: ten episodes that we did. Gives a lot of info 87 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:29,160 Speaker 1: on attachment. Now, what is this earned secure thing that 88 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,159 Speaker 1: she's talking about. So with modern attachment, there are a 89 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,840 Speaker 1: couple of main attachment styles, which of course we talk 90 00:04:34,920 --> 00:04:38,240 Speaker 1: about a lot on the podcast. You have secure and 91 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:42,200 Speaker 1: then you have these two main insecure types anxious and avoidant. Now, 92 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,359 Speaker 1: for those of you who have identified or think that 93 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,560 Speaker 1: you've identified that you lean more on the insecure side 94 00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:50,400 Speaker 1: of attachment, you don't have to panic, because there's a 95 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,960 Speaker 1: thing called earned secure earn secure attachment is when you 96 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: don't have an initial secure attachment style, you kind of 97 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,320 Speaker 1: create that on your own. You create and develop a 98 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:03,840 Speaker 1: more secure attachment style through allowing yourself to find safe 99 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,039 Speaker 1: and healthy adult relationships. Now, this doesn't have to be 100 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,840 Speaker 1: a romantic partner at all. In fact, most of the 101 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,839 Speaker 1: time it's it's not. Um. We can develop an earned 102 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: secure attachment with friendships, with mentorships, and especially a therapeutic relationship. Now, 103 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:23,360 Speaker 1: and earned secure attachment is found by finding and creating 104 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,000 Speaker 1: and developing what it's called a secure base. So a 105 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,359 Speaker 1: secure base is something that usually is modeled by a 106 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,360 Speaker 1: primary caregiver, but it's basically a human You can rely 107 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,400 Speaker 1: on someone you can find a foundation with and relationally 108 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:39,440 Speaker 1: be messy and also know that they will always be 109 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:43,640 Speaker 1: there as a therapist. I model that consistency for a 110 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:47,200 Speaker 1: lot of people, and I model that through showing up 111 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,320 Speaker 1: every week when I say I'm gonna show up. I 112 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:53,600 Speaker 1: model that through like allowing somebody to tell me they're messy, weird, strange, 113 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: crazy parts of their story and and still committing to 114 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 1: to stay in that therapeutic relationship with them. I model 115 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,400 Speaker 1: that by like not leaving or not repeating those old 116 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,839 Speaker 1: patterns and allowing it to be safe to show up. Now, 117 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,600 Speaker 1: it takes time. These things don't just happen overnight. It's 118 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:10,600 Speaker 1: not just like, oh, that's a therapist, she's my my 119 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:14,640 Speaker 1: secure base now. No, you develop a relationship. And that's 120 00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:18,200 Speaker 1: why I take such a relational approach to therapy, because 121 00:06:18,839 --> 00:06:23,160 Speaker 1: it takes time to create intimacy, and a therapeutic relationship 122 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,880 Speaker 1: is an intimate relationship, and we don't just jump into 123 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,320 Speaker 1: feeling super comfortable with each other in the first five minutes. 124 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,039 Speaker 1: Sometimes it takes longer than others. But for somebody with 125 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:36,479 Speaker 1: an insecure attachment. That is what we are doing, is 126 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 1: we're creating a space where you feel okay to come 127 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 1: and be with me. And you might think I'm judging you, 128 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:44,880 Speaker 1: and you might think I'm gonna fire you, and you 129 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,600 Speaker 1: might think X y Z. But you get to think 130 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 1: that and be nervous about that, and then talk about 131 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,480 Speaker 1: that and see that the old story doesn't have to repeat. 132 00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,120 Speaker 1: It's a very cool thing to be a part of. 133 00:06:54,400 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: Very very cool. Now, this person is asking if she 134 00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:08,520 Speaker 1: should allow herself to date someone who has an avoidant 135 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: attachment but they're working on themselves, and if she feels 136 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 1: like she should disclose how she feels inside, really really 137 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:19,680 Speaker 1: great questions. Now, Historically, an avoidant and anxiously attached person 138 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,200 Speaker 1: are going to have a hard time developing a healthy relationship. 139 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: And also the level of healthy want in a relationship 140 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:31,000 Speaker 1: is up to you. So I can't really answer this completely, 141 00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 1: not just because that's how I roll on these episodes, 142 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,720 Speaker 1: if you guys have got on, but because like it's relative. 143 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:38,960 Speaker 1: It's like what level of health and what do you 144 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,120 Speaker 1: want that might be different than what I want or 145 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:44,240 Speaker 1: what I think is right if and it really hard 146 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,600 Speaker 1: to point, like tell someone you shouldn't date that person, 147 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,400 Speaker 1: or you should date that person, or what whatever it is. 148 00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: Um that should always be the person's choice. But I 149 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,040 Speaker 1: do think it would be beneficial to talk more about 150 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: why you do want to date this person versus why 151 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,640 Speaker 1: you don't think you want to date them, more why 152 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,640 Speaker 1: you think it might be a bad idea, Like, I 153 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: think it would be powerful for you to have that 154 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 1: dialogue with another human being outside of the relationship, or 155 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,679 Speaker 1: with yourself or just through a journaling prompt or something 156 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: like that. Now, with any relationship, there's a risk. There's 157 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 1: always risk, and to be honest, most people don't know 158 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,640 Speaker 1: their partner's attachment styles in the beginning, so you kind 159 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,360 Speaker 1: of have like a I don't know a head start. 160 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 1: It's something that you figure out through dating and getting 161 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 1: to know someone. And also some people with when attachments 162 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 1: can actually look very secure in the beginning because they 163 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,200 Speaker 1: can show up as very present and very engaged. And 164 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:36,120 Speaker 1: then when it becomes intimate and when it becomes something 165 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:41,079 Speaker 1: that actually does involve somebody needing somebody or somebody having 166 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: expectations of somebody and getting close to somebody, that's when 167 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:48,439 Speaker 1: the shift really happens. When like the vulnerability pops up. 168 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:50,800 Speaker 1: And that's why I think it's important to say there's 169 00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:55,080 Speaker 1: a huge difference in someone who's authentically working on themselves 170 00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 1: someone that just says they're working on themselves. Someone has 171 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,679 Speaker 1: no insight, in someone who doesn't they know that they 172 00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:04,360 Speaker 1: have any issues, and then somebody who knows that they 173 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,320 Speaker 1: have some stuff to work on but is just like 174 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: choosing not to. And it's hard to really know that 175 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:12,880 Speaker 1: about the other person. The only person that truly, truly, truly, truly, 176 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,319 Speaker 1: for a hundred percent knows which one of those categories 177 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: they lie in is the person themselves. And then we 178 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:21,079 Speaker 1: also need to look at the fact that even if 179 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,840 Speaker 1: someone has a secure attachment style, that doesn't mean everything 180 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 1: is going to go the way you want it to. Again, 181 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,520 Speaker 1: there's always risk. There always is risk. Now do insecure 182 00:09:30,559 --> 00:09:34,880 Speaker 1: attachment styles make things more challenging, And there is an 183 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: added risk that dating someone with an avoidant attachment style 184 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: when you have an anxious one, will provide you with 185 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:44,920 Speaker 1: more data to support your anxious attachment. It's kind of 186 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: like food for the wound, because our attachment wounds, like 187 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,080 Speaker 1: are anxious or if we're insecure, our insecure attachments come 188 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:55,600 Speaker 1: out of these attachment wounds. Now, what I mean by 189 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: like the food for the wound. What I mean by 190 00:09:57,679 --> 00:10:00,280 Speaker 1: that is, if you have an anxious leaning attachment style, 191 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,760 Speaker 1: you are someone who has been given hope essentially, and 192 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,400 Speaker 1: it's been stolen or taken away. So when you're in 193 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,880 Speaker 1: a relationship, there's often a tendency to run towards the 194 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,960 Speaker 1: relationship or partner and somewhat cling to them because you 195 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,320 Speaker 1: know that they can leave at any moment. There's not 196 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 1: a settling point. We always are operating with this high 197 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 1: vibration because we have to be ready for them to leave, 198 00:10:21,760 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 1: so we can convince them to stay or just prepare 199 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,080 Speaker 1: for them to leave, one or the other. There's a 200 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,240 Speaker 1: tendency to lean in a lot because in quotes, people 201 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,040 Speaker 1: always leave well. An avoidant is notorious for leaving in there, 202 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:36,240 Speaker 1: notorious for leaving before they can be left as well, 203 00:10:36,280 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: before somebody can really see them, and then leave them. 204 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,800 Speaker 1: Even though this doesn't look like an anxious tendency, it 205 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: looks most of the time like they don't really care. 206 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,199 Speaker 1: It is done from an anxious which is different from 207 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:50,199 Speaker 1: your anxious attachment of feeling anxious, from a fear of 208 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 1: abandonment and rejection, and well, this is what I mean 209 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,840 Speaker 1: by it feeds the story of the anxious leaning person. 210 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,560 Speaker 1: I did everything I could and they still left. I'll 211 00:10:58,559 --> 00:11:01,840 Speaker 1: never be good enough, or maybe it's I always mess 212 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,720 Speaker 1: things up and it feeds that wound because you have 213 00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:09,200 Speaker 1: data to support your theory essentially or your story. So 214 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,800 Speaker 1: there's that. So I just want to say, like, there's 215 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: always risk and there's not a right and wrong answer, 216 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,199 Speaker 1: and this could work out, it might not work out, 217 00:11:17,679 --> 00:11:20,120 Speaker 1: but I think that there's power and knowing what you're 218 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,800 Speaker 1: getting yourself into, Like, oh, I know that there's risk, 219 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 1: and I know there's elevated risk, and I might still 220 00:11:25,679 --> 00:11:28,199 Speaker 1: choose to to stay in this just because I would 221 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,480 Speaker 1: like to see. That might come with some heartbreak, it 222 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,280 Speaker 1: might come with more data to support your wound, and 223 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,440 Speaker 1: it might not. Like we don't really know for sure, 224 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: especially if this person is genuinely working on themselves. This 225 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,480 Speaker 1: might be a great thing for both of you. We 226 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:47,199 Speaker 1: don't know, but what we can do is pay attention 227 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,760 Speaker 1: to ourselves and how we feel every step of the way. 228 00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:53,679 Speaker 1: What I know about healthy relationships is there's one no rush, 229 00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 1: So you don't have to figure this out a percent. 230 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,920 Speaker 1: Right Now you can like lean in and kind of 231 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,319 Speaker 1: put your toes in and you don't have to jump 232 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,280 Speaker 1: into a full fledged relationship. You can get to know 233 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,800 Speaker 1: this person and really see what happens when vulnerability shows 234 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,680 Speaker 1: up inside of this relationship. Which kind of brings me 235 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,559 Speaker 1: to the other part of your question. Do I tell 236 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 1: him I'm working on having a healthy relationship with him 237 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,120 Speaker 1: or not? And this is where I'm gonna answer this 238 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: a little differently because normally I don't ever just say 239 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:26,240 Speaker 1: yes or no, but like yes, communication and relationships is 240 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,040 Speaker 1: always a yes. When we can talk about our feelings 241 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,079 Speaker 1: and our experiences and our expectations, real intimacy is born 242 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:35,240 Speaker 1: and that's what we want now. At the same time, 243 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:39,040 Speaker 1: is this scary, Yes? This is also involved risk. Yes, 244 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,559 Speaker 1: a lot of risk. We're talking about a lot of 245 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:45,200 Speaker 1: risk today. This is the epitome of vulnerability. Right. It 246 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,680 Speaker 1: is uncertain what will come of the conversations that you 247 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,200 Speaker 1: have with this person around your work and your development 248 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,200 Speaker 1: and and you and your relationship with this person, But 249 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,840 Speaker 1: it also creates a space for a deep and intimate 250 00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,360 Speaker 1: relationship to be born. And it sounds like that's what 251 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,200 Speaker 1: you're looking for. Now, the thing is, I'm not trying 252 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,240 Speaker 1: to be a Debbie downer. I'm just trying to be realistic. 253 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:10,160 Speaker 1: Here is someone with an avoidant attachment doesn't like feelings 254 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 1: like you. Feelings are a lot like real feelings are 255 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,959 Speaker 1: suffocating and scary, and vulnerability can be a turn off 256 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: and looked at as a weakness because how they've survived 257 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,280 Speaker 1: is not having to do that. They've survived by zipping 258 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:27,200 Speaker 1: up their emotions, zipping up their feelings. If I don't 259 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,960 Speaker 1: have feelings, then I don't have to present somebody with 260 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 1: a need. And if I don't have to present somebody 261 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,800 Speaker 1: with a need, I can't get let down. I can't 262 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,720 Speaker 1: be told I'm too much. I can't be told somebody 263 00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: doesn't have time for me. I can't be told that 264 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 1: somebody doesn't love me, because one nobody's really seeing me 265 00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:47,760 Speaker 1: into I'm not asking for anything. So there is that part. However, 266 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,160 Speaker 1: if your relationship ends because you wanted to have a 267 00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:56,040 Speaker 1: vulnerable conversation about how to create healthy communication and expectations, 268 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 1: then I think that's probably a good thing. This person 269 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,479 Speaker 1: wouldn't be breaking up with you or ending this relationship 270 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,319 Speaker 1: because they don't like you. It would be because they 271 00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 1: don't want or they don't have the capacity to have 272 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,680 Speaker 1: the kind of relationship that you long for. And that 273 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 1: is something that gets so confused. So it's so so confused. 274 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,560 Speaker 1: It's like, Oh, I showed up with the fullness of 275 00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,720 Speaker 1: me and I really leaned in, and then they didn't 276 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,160 Speaker 1: want me anymore. No, no, no, no, It's not that 277 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,920 Speaker 1: they didn't want you. It's that they didn't want the 278 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:30,240 Speaker 1: feelings that come with true connection and vulnerability. That felt 279 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,200 Speaker 1: like too much. That has nothing to do with who 280 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: you are as a human. That has to do with 281 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,040 Speaker 1: their capacity for emotions. So I really want you guys 282 00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:40,400 Speaker 1: to hear that part. So it's kind of a win 283 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,640 Speaker 1: win here for you. You build intimacy or you break 284 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,480 Speaker 1: up because the person is incapable of or unwilling to 285 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:51,360 Speaker 1: build intimacy. Boom. Okay, Well you don't want that relationship 286 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,640 Speaker 1: if it has to be like unless like dumbed down emotionally. 287 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 1: So it's better for you to know. And what we 288 00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,120 Speaker 1: also know is that and we just did a podcast 289 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 1: on this last week healing heartbreak. Heartbreak is one of 290 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:04,880 Speaker 1: the hardest, most challenging things ever to get through. It sucks. 291 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:08,400 Speaker 1: It sucks so bad and it will not kill you, 292 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:12,400 Speaker 1: and risking it is what gets us the thing that 293 00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 1: we want and long for sometimes the most in our lives. 294 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,680 Speaker 1: So the risk and also the reward is great. So 295 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 1: I hope that helps answer your question. I hope that 296 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,400 Speaker 1: gives you some food for thought to think about what 297 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: you want to do and how you want to move forward. Again, 298 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:29,280 Speaker 1: there's no right or wrong answer for most of this. 299 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: It's more along the lines of right or wrong answer 300 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,080 Speaker 1: for you and what you're looking for and what you 301 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:38,400 Speaker 1: have capacity for right now and where you are relationally 302 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,040 Speaker 1: and emotionally. So thanks for bringing that question. I always 303 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: love to talk about attachment, so you know, I get 304 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: super excited about these emails. Anyway, that kind of does 305 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: it for us today. I hope you have the Wednesday 306 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,720 Speaker 1: or whatever day it is that you need to have, 307 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,880 Speaker 1: and I will be back talking to you guys on 308 00:15:56,040 --> 00:15:56,680 Speaker 1: Monday morning.