Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be
Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my
Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily
Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while
Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress
Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and
Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,
Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter
Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the
Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for
Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily
Speaker 1: Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week. We're
Speaker 1: diving into strategies for managing your emotions. Of course, if
Speaker 1: you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day,
Speaker 1: you can subscribe to Calm, So go to calm dot
Speaker 1: com forward slash ja for forty percent off your membership today.
Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place that
Speaker 1: you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. And
Speaker 1: I am so so grateful to you for all your
Speaker 1: incredible reviews on Spotify and on Apple. It's incredible to
Speaker 1: read through them. Please please please make sure you leave
Speaker 1: a review. It makes the world of a difference. And
Speaker 1: I wanted to point out some of the incredible expert
Speaker 1: conversations that we've had this year in case you missed them.
Speaker 1: We had doctor Peter Rettier, who's a phenomenal expert in
Speaker 1: longevity scientific ways to slow down aging. I highly recommend
Speaker 1: you listen to that. We also had doctor Zach Bush
Speaker 1: on science based approaches to healing your gut health if
Speaker 1: that's something that you're struggling with. I also talked to
Speaker 1: one of your favorites, Dr Joe Dispenser in May on
Speaker 1: the twenty ninth about why stress and overthinking negatively impacts
Speaker 1: your brain. These are just a few of the experts
Speaker 1: that we've had so far in the last couple of months.
Speaker 1: I highly recommend you go back and take it listen now.
Speaker 1: Today's episode is about a topic that I deeply value
Speaker 1: because I know how challenging it is when you're experiencing
Speaker 1: it in your life in your mind. I've personally struggled
Speaker 1: with it for so many different reasons. I know so
Speaker 1: many people in my life who've struggled with it for
Speaker 1: so many different reasons, and I believe it was important
Speaker 1: to address with you today because I know so many
Speaker 1: of you may be going through it in your own way. Now.
Speaker 1: Of course, I'm talking about shame and guilt, and we
Speaker 1: all feel shame and guilt for different things in our life. Today,
Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking to you about the different
Speaker 1: types of experience that we have and what are the
Speaker 1: practical steps we can take to feel better. But first
Speaker 1: of all, what I want to do is I want
Speaker 1: to talk about the difference between shame and guilt. Now,
Speaker 1: Brene Brown has done some phenomenal work in this space.
Speaker 1: If you've not read her book Daring Greatly, I highly
Speaker 1: recommend it to understand more about this topic. In the
Speaker 1: words of Brene Brown, shame is I am bad. Guilt
Speaker 1: is I did something bad. She goes on to say,
Speaker 1: how many of you, if you did something that was
Speaker 1: hurtful to me, would be willing to say, I'm sorry
Speaker 1: I made a mistake. How many of you would be
Speaker 1: willing to do that guilt, I'm sorry I made a mistake. Shame,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I am a mistake. I love this disconnection
Speaker 1: because it's so subtle, but it's so very important. How
Speaker 1: many of us know that the voice in our head
Speaker 1: makes us the problem. Not that we have a problem,
Speaker 1: but we are the problem. Not that we made a mistake,
Speaker 1: but we are the mistake. How many of us walk
Speaker 1: around life thinking that not that we did something wrong,
Speaker 1: but that we are wrong. And it's so subtle that
Speaker 1: you might just miss it. But the inner critics voice
Speaker 1: will give you a clue. If you listen closely to
Speaker 1: the inner critic, you'll be able to very clearly understand
Speaker 1: whether you say things like I made a mistake or
Speaker 1: I am a mistake. Now I want to go on
Speaker 1: to share the incredible worlds of Paul Ekman. He also
Speaker 1: said that the distinction between shame and guilt is very important,
Speaker 1: since these two emotions may tear a person in opposite directions.
Speaker 1: He says, Paul Ekman, the wish to relieve guilt may
Speaker 1: motivate a confession, but the wish to avoid the humiliation
Speaker 1: of shame may prevent it. How many of you have
Speaker 1: ever been caught in that mess where you want to
Speaker 1: tell someone how you feel, or you want to tell
Speaker 1: someone that you know that they're going through something or
Speaker 1: whatever it may be, but at the same time you're
Speaker 1: scared of what that comes with We get caught in
Speaker 1: the middle, and I know so many of us experience
Speaker 1: this in so many different ways. Before we we dive
Speaker 1: into the different types of guilt and how to overcome them,
Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about the different types
Speaker 1: of guilt that we experience. Using research from BioMedCentral dot com,
Speaker 1: so they ranked the percentage of all things people felt
Speaker 1: guilty about. Number one was telling lies or withholding truth
Speaker 1: and information. That's the number one thing we feel guilty about,
Speaker 1: and this comes from the category of feelings of guilt
Speaker 1: related to misconduct and mistakes being made. Now, the second
Speaker 1: thing that people felt guilty about, or the most frequently
Speaker 1: stated reasons for feeling guilty was not spending enough time
Speaker 1: with family members, not taking enough care of family members,
Speaker 1: and not being there for family members. I think we
Speaker 1: can all identify with that type of guilt, and we
Speaker 1: will be coming on to this moving forward in this podcast.
Speaker 1: The reason I'm sharing these with you is always to
Speaker 1: help you recognize that you're not alone, to help you
Speaker 1: recognize that we all have these emotions and experiences, that
Speaker 1: there is no one including me, who has perfected this,
Speaker 1: figured it out, mastered it and gets everything right. I
Speaker 1: think it's often our desire for perfection that creates so
Speaker 1: much of the guilt and shame we experience. Our desire
Speaker 1: for getting everything to line up, be perfectly balanced, be
Speaker 1: fully aligned, centered, grounded, it doesn't exist. The third thing
Speaker 1: that we most frequently state that we feel as a
Speaker 1: reason for being guilty is misbehavior towards someone or thinking
Speaker 1: bad about someone. And this comes from feelings of guilt
Speaker 1: related to other people. But this could be anyone from
Speaker 1: the person you bumped into on the street, all the
Speaker 1: way through to the person you cut off in the
Speaker 1: traffic and later on your thinking, oh, I wish I
Speaker 1: didn't do that, they didn't deserve that. It's really interesting, right,
Speaker 1: It could be anything misbehavior towards or bad thinking of someone.
Speaker 1: Maybe you said something gossipy about a friend. Maybe you
Speaker 1: said something that you wish you could take back. Maybe
Speaker 1: you shared someone's private information with someone else. Right, these
Speaker 1: are all things we feel guilty for. Rank number four
Speaker 1: was subjectively perceived responsibility for life situations, events and circumstances
Speaker 1: and death, circumstances of others not being able to help
Speaker 1: and support. Right. So this is really interesting because often
Speaker 1: something bad happens to someone and we blame it on ourselves.
Speaker 1: We think it must be my fault. Some of our
Speaker 1: friends from London were visiting la last year and one
Speaker 1: of my friends recommended that they park in a specific
Speaker 1: parking garage, which was safe and recommended, and unfortunately all
Speaker 1: of their stuff got stolen from their from that parking garage,
Speaker 1: and that friend of mine feels guilty for that reason constantly,
Speaker 1: because he takes responsibility for that event happening to those individuals. Now,
Speaker 1: of course, this can become far more extreme when it
Speaker 1: relates to people passing away not being there with them
Speaker 1: not being in there. You know a lot of people
Speaker 1: have this guilt if they've lost a family member that
Speaker 1: I should have been on the plane with them. I
Speaker 1: wish I was in the car with them. It wouldn't
Speaker 1: have happened if I didn't ask them to do this, right,
Speaker 1: We all have that guilt. So again, a very valid
Speaker 1: and genuine form of guilt. Number five neglecting someone, not
Speaker 1: taking enough care of someone, not being there for someone,
Speaker 1: Another one not achieving something, sense of failure. The next
Speaker 1: one negative self attributes or flaws. We feel guilty about
Speaker 1: them because we take responsibility for them, and then there's
Speaker 1: divorce and breakup, cheating, having affairs problems, issues in relationships
Speaker 1: and marriages, not spending enough time with children, procrastination and
Speaker 1: waste of time, being unproductive. How many of you have
Speaker 1: that where you haven't been productive, you haven't been effective,
Speaker 1: and then you feel guilty about it. You think, oh,
Speaker 1: my gosh, I could have done all of that by now,
Speaker 1: could have launched that podcast, I could have written that book.
Speaker 1: I should have done that, I should have done this,
Speaker 1: and then it never happens. That's what's really interesting about
Speaker 1: guilt is that guilt blocks growth. Guilt can be used
Speaker 1: as a launch pad, it can be used as a
Speaker 1: great incentive for change, which I'll come on to in
Speaker 1: a moment. But at the same time, guilt blocks growth.
Speaker 1: If we just grow guilt, right, if we keep just
Speaker 1: growing a sense of guilt, it will block our growth
Speaker 1: because we get so negative about who we are, what
Speaker 1: we do, how we behave, and we feel we have
Speaker 1: missed so much time, we have missed so many opportunities
Speaker 1: that we now feel that we can't turn it around.
Speaker 1: It's almost like negative math working against us. It's like
Speaker 1: we're like ten zero, right, We're losing ten zero in
Speaker 1: the world of guilt, and now we're like, well, even
Speaker 1: if I do one thing, it will still be ten
Speaker 1: to one. I'm so far away, that's what it feels like.
Speaker 1: You're like ten goals down. Then it continues with unfavorable
Speaker 1: health or self indulgence. We guilt ourselves of what we
Speaker 1: eat and if we do or don't work out. And
Speaker 1: it's really interesting, right, those are the top categories of
Speaker 1: guilt that we as humans experience, and I think all
Speaker 1: of us could agree that we've all experienced them at
Speaker 1: one point or another. So now that we understand the
Speaker 1: difference between guilt and shame, I want to focus in
Speaker 1: on the different types of guilt that we experience in
Speaker 1: our lives and what we can do about it. Remember,
Speaker 1: guilt is I'm sorry I made a mistake. Shame is
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I am a mistake. And I want to
Speaker 1: shift us away from believing that we are a mistake
Speaker 1: or that we ourselves as an entity, are wrong, are lost.
Speaker 1: We say things like I am a failure. No, I
Speaker 1: have experienced failure. And that's what I want you to
Speaker 1: do with the inner critic in your mind. I want
Speaker 1: you to start making that switch where instead of every
Speaker 1: time you catch yourself saying I am a failure, I
Speaker 1: am a mistake, start replacing it with I have experienced failure.
Speaker 1: I failed at this, this particular event failed. I think
Speaker 1: it's important to start disconnecting your identity from an emotion
Speaker 1: and a statement. Right. The mistake we make is when
Speaker 1: we mesh together our identity with a word, we start
Speaker 1: to identify with that word, and that becomes a belief.
Speaker 1: Once that becomes a belief, it becomes a repetitive habit
Speaker 1: in our lives, and then it feels like normal. It's
Speaker 1: almost like when someone says something in your head think well,
Speaker 1: I'm a loser anyway. So what's the point. Right, So
Speaker 1: once you start creating that distance, Now, how do you
Speaker 1: start creating that distance? You ask? The first way is
Speaker 1: to what you're in a dialogue and make that difference.
Speaker 1: The second is to recognize and go back to when
Speaker 1: you have felt guilty. Reflect and write down the top
Speaker 1: three times or even one time that you have experienced
Speaker 1: guilt and shame and when it really started leaning into shame.
Speaker 1: And now, in hindsight, I want you to look back
Speaker 1: and recognize, is it true that you have also been
Speaker 1: not responsible in certain challenges. Is it true that you've
Speaker 1: also won as well as lost and failed in different things.
Speaker 1: Is it true that there is more diversity in your
Speaker 1: experience then there is consistency. Is it true that if
Speaker 1: you think you are a mistake, that you've also got
Speaker 1: certain things right and done things well and made people
Speaker 1: feel good. Noticing this discrepancy is what helps you accept that, yes,
Speaker 1: I have made mistakes, but I am not a mistake,
Speaker 1: and even repeating that, recognizing and accepting. Remember, we're not
Speaker 1: shunning our mistakes. We're not trying to push them away.
Speaker 1: We're not trying to pretend that they didn't happen. We're
Speaker 1: not trying to be in denial. We're accepting they happened.
Speaker 1: We're accepting we made them. But we won't accept that
Speaker 1: we are them. We're not going to accept that we're
Speaker 1: defined by them, because our life shows us that we
Speaker 1: have a bit of both. We've all won and failed,
Speaker 1: we've all been stuck and focused, We've all made mistakes
Speaker 1: and got things right. Please recognize that now. The first
Speaker 1: type of guilt that we experienced that I want to
Speaker 1: talk about today is guilt over a past mistake. How
Speaker 1: many of you replay your past mistakes in your mind.
Speaker 1: Maybe it was in a relationship, and you think to yourself, well,
Speaker 1: if I didn't do that, they'd still be here. If
Speaker 1: I did do that, they'd still be here. I ruined
Speaker 1: that I messed that up. I had such a good
Speaker 1: thing going. But maybe if I just didn't open my mouth,
Speaker 1: maybe if I didn't set those boundaries, maybe if I
Speaker 1: didn't push so hard. We all experience guilt over past mistakes,
Speaker 1: and sometimes these guilts get so deep rooted that they
Speaker 1: start to impact all of our lives afterwards, they start
Speaker 1: to impact everything. What ends up happening is that when
Speaker 1: you feel guilt over a past mistake, you now reflect
Speaker 1: and project that guilt onto new people at work, new
Speaker 1: people in your relationships, friends, anyone that comes across your way.
Speaker 1: And so it's so important to address this. It's so
Speaker 1: important to accept it. It's so important to focus in
Speaker 1: on it. If there's a guilt over a past mistake,
Speaker 1: if you can, if the person is alive and accessible
Speaker 1: when you prepare or when you feel prepared, the best
Speaker 1: thing you can do is actually reach out and try
Speaker 1: and solve it right. If you have done something that
Speaker 1: you don't feel proud about. If you feel you've done
Speaker 1: something that you don't feel represents who you are, and
Speaker 1: there's a pass mistake that is haunting you or lurking
Speaker 1: there behind you, it's important that you can reach out
Speaker 1: and set the record straight. And that's a really beautiful
Speaker 1: thing to be able to do. So now let's say
Speaker 1: that you are going to reach out. I think it's
Speaker 1: really important that you prepare before you do. Often we
Speaker 1: have this knee jerk reaction to just pick up the
Speaker 1: phone and say I'm sorry, you know, and we're not
Speaker 1: thinking about how it may affect the other person. We're
Speaker 1: not thinking about what it may mean for us. And
Speaker 1: often if the person is not accessible or or you
Speaker 1: may actually in your preparation realize I don't think talking
Speaker 1: to them directly is going to do any good. It's
Speaker 1: important to check in with yourself and share that apology.
Speaker 1: You may share that apology energetically, you may share that
Speaker 1: apology as a healing practice. If you don't feel that
Speaker 1: person is accessible or you may not be connected to
Speaker 1: them anymore. And I remember when I was on my tour,
Speaker 1: I met so many people who would say to me
Speaker 1: they haven't spoken to someone they love for years now,
Speaker 1: if you remember, if you did come to my tour,
Speaker 1: and if you didn't, I hope you will come to
Speaker 1: our next event. But at my tour, I encourage people
Speaker 1: to call people that they hadn't spoken to for whatever
Speaker 1: challenge they'd been going through personally. It could have been
Speaker 1: a couple of years, it could have been ten years.
Speaker 1: And everyone who made that call it wasn't a fairy
Speaker 1: tale ending because that wasn't the goal. The goal was
Speaker 1: that that person had the courage to sit in the discomfort,
Speaker 1: to share how they truly felt because it was healing
Speaker 1: to them and they felt the other person needed to
Speaker 1: hear it too. We had people calling up ex partners
Speaker 1: saying I'm sorry for how I dealt with the divorce.
Speaker 1: I'm not asking for you back, but I want you
Speaker 1: to know I love and appreciate you. We had people
Speaker 1: reaching out and saying you're my brother, I love you,
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that we fell out two years ago.
Speaker 1: We had people saying I'm sorry that this event got
Speaker 1: in the way of our friendship, and whether the person
Speaker 1: on the other side was amicable or reciprocal. What I
Speaker 1: found is that the person who shared it felt the
Speaker 1: most healed and the person who received it found some
Speaker 1: solace in it. The second thing that you can do
Speaker 1: with guilty of a past mistake is change your behavior
Speaker 1: in the future. This is the best remedy for yourself
Speaker 1: and others. The only way you make yourself feel better
Speaker 1: about the past is by doing better in the future.
Speaker 1: Let me say that again, the only way you make
Speaker 1: yourself feel better about the past is by doing better
Speaker 1: in the future. You can't make yourself feel good about
Speaker 1: the past if you continue to behave badly in the future.
Speaker 1: It doesn't work that way. We can't change the past.
Speaker 1: We can't solve the past. We can't edit the past.
Speaker 1: But when we edit the present, we create the future
Speaker 1: that we've really wont right. We can't edit the past,
Speaker 1: and we live in the past just kind of doing
Speaker 1: mental exercises trying to figure it out. But it doesn't
Speaker 1: work that way. And I want you to recognize with
Speaker 1: all of this guilt and shame that if you experience
Speaker 1: a sense of guilt, it just shows that you're reflective.
Speaker 1: I always feel that way. I experienced guilt and I've
Speaker 1: started to recognize that it just shows that I care.
Speaker 1: It just shows that I'm reflective. It it shows that
Speaker 1: I'm allowing myself to question myself. I'm allowing myself to
Speaker 1: not think that everything I do is right and perfect
Speaker 1: and wonderful, and I think that that's a great quality.
Speaker 1: It's shame that we want to shift away from, and
Speaker 1: guilt if if it's not taken care of, will very
Speaker 1: easily grow into shame. And so while shame is unhealthy,
Speaker 1: guilt is something we have to deal with. It's showing
Speaker 1: us what we need to heal, but it's also showing
Speaker 1: us that we're reflective, introspective beings. So I don't want
Speaker 1: you to guilt yourself for feeling guilt. I want you
Speaker 1: to feel heard and seen and understood. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to guilt yourself for feeling that way. The second
Speaker 1: type of guilt is guilt because of how someone made
Speaker 1: you feel. Now, this may be guilt where you didn't
Speaker 1: see any involvement, You didn't see or feel any responsibility,
Speaker 1: but someone came back at you and told you. Someone
Speaker 1: may have told you, hey, you said this to me
Speaker 1: and it made me feel this way. You did this
Speaker 1: and it made me feel this way, and now you're
Speaker 1: feeling guilty because of how they've expressed that to you,
Speaker 1: and in this opportunity, it's always important to acknowledge the
Speaker 1: person's feelings. It's always important to acknowledge that there is
Speaker 1: some truth in how that person feels, even if that
Speaker 1: wasn't your intent, even if that's not what you were
Speaker 1: trying to do. And I think often this guilt can
Speaker 1: lead to more guilt if we actually shun the other
Speaker 1: person away, if we act as if it doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: that's not what we were trying to do, we go
Speaker 1: into defensive mode. What ends up happening is we actually
Speaker 1: make them feel worse, and we make ourselves feel worse
Speaker 1: in the long run. So acknowledging that there is some truth,
Speaker 1: there is some reality to that person's emotions and feelings
Speaker 1: is important. The second step is recognizing what is your
Speaker 1: part and what may have been misconstrued by them. I
Speaker 1: think it's so important to recognize that there are always
Speaker 1: always two sides to that story, right, there are always
Speaker 1: we look at everything from our subjective lens. Often I'll
Speaker 1: sit down and think where do I have this viewpoint from?
Speaker 1: Why do I have this vantage point? And I'll recognize
Speaker 1: there's so many biases in why I even said that
Speaker 1: all got there right. There's so many biases happening every
Speaker 1: single day of why I even said something, why I
Speaker 1: got to that point, why I made it in the
Speaker 1: way that I made everything else. When you start becoming
Speaker 1: aware of that, you can actually better explain it. The
Speaker 1: other day, Rady called me up and she had a
Speaker 1: really urgent question for me, and I was really tired.
Speaker 1: I hadn't eaten all day, and I said to it,
Speaker 1: I said, RADI, if I respond right now, I'm not
Speaker 1: going to give you my best answer. Do you mind
Speaker 1: if I just get something to eat first, I'll tell
Speaker 1: you straight away. And that was me protecting myself from
Speaker 1: behaving in a way that I would later feel guilty about,
Speaker 1: or from having her have to tell me that, hey,
Speaker 1: I didn't like the way you spoke to me, and
Speaker 1: then I would defend myself and be like, oh, but
Speaker 1: I was tired. You don't even understand. You didn't even
Speaker 1: ask how I was, when actually the truth is, by
Speaker 1: being reflective, I can actually preempt that. Now, let's say
Speaker 1: your situation is a bit more serious than that. I
Speaker 1: think it's important that you own your part, but you
Speaker 1: don't own all of it. You recognize your involvement, you
Speaker 1: recognize your part, but you accept that there are other
Speaker 1: reasons as well. Now, if you're on the receiving end
Speaker 1: of that and you're like, well, I want that person
Speaker 1: to accept all responsibility, I think often that even if
Speaker 1: it feels that way, and by the way, there are
Speaker 1: situations where it is just the other person's action and
Speaker 1: it is just the other person's behavior, like you don't
Speaker 1: actually you weren't old enough, you wann't thoughtful enough, you
Speaker 1: wren't wise enough. Like that is real. And in that situation,
Speaker 1: you're not taking responsibility for the experience or the event.
Speaker 1: You're saying taking responsibility for the future you want to build.
Speaker 1: I think this is a really subtle difference. I want
Speaker 1: to point out that if you're not at fault, you
Speaker 1: never accept responsibility for the fault or the event or
Speaker 1: whatever happened. You accept responsibility for the future you want
Speaker 1: to build and create. That's one of the things that
Speaker 1: coaching focuses on is that coaching is not telling you
Speaker 1: to take responsibility for the mistakes that happened to you,
Speaker 1: or the issue or the abuse you received with a trauma.
Speaker 1: That would be so unhealthy to tell someone to do that.
Speaker 1: That is not what we're saying to do here. What
Speaker 1: I'm saying is you're saying, I want to live a
Speaker 1: great life from now and I went through this, I
Speaker 1: experienced this, this happened to me. But I'm going to
Speaker 1: take charge of where I want to go. Another step
Speaker 1: here is to recognize what parts of it you're willing
Speaker 1: to take responsibility for, as opposed to just feeling guilty
Speaker 1: because of how they're making you feel. I also want
Speaker 1: to recommend in all of this process that therapy is
Speaker 1: such a powerful form. I partnered with Better Help several
Speaker 1: times on the podcast. We had some really phenomenal conversations
Speaker 1: with so many individuals who are dealing with different challenges
Speaker 1: and showed how therapy can be powerful for that. I
Speaker 1: highly highly recommend that because it can be really really
Speaker 1: important to do that. Therapy is a great safe space
Speaker 1: to reflect on these things so that you don't lead
Speaker 1: to more negative behaviors towards yourself or unhealthy ideas towards
Speaker 1: yourself at the same time being able to grow. Now.
Speaker 1: The other guilt that we experience is what I mentioned earlier,
Speaker 1: the guilt for not making time for others right the
Speaker 1: guilt or the feeling of letting someone else down. And again,
Speaker 1: going back to our earlier principle, make time now, Make
Speaker 1: time now. If you feel guilty about not giving someone
Speaker 1: time before, make time now now. You may say, they
Speaker 1: don't want to spend time with me anymore, jay I
Speaker 1: lost them. They're not around anymore. Make time for the
Speaker 1: next person, Make time for other people. Make time for
Speaker 1: people who've always made time for you. Go out there
Speaker 1: and make that change. Don't be selfish and just want
Speaker 1: to make it for that person that you can't get back.
Speaker 1: Make it for another person and know that you're doing
Speaker 1: it for that reason. Know then be aware that, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm making time because I recognize that happened in the past.
Speaker 1: I now want to make time for people I care about.
Speaker 1: This second point is really important, and I want you
Speaker 1: to write this down because I think it's often missed.
Speaker 1: Recognize what your priorities were when you didn't make time
Speaker 1: for the people you wanted to make time for. What's
Speaker 1: really interesting is once we start living with a benefit,
Speaker 1: we get we forget why it was our focus. Let
Speaker 1: me explain to you. Let's say a parent works really
Speaker 1: hard to put food on the table and provide for
Speaker 1: their family. Now, when they may not be financially as unstable,
Speaker 1: they may look back and think, oh my gosh, all
Speaker 1: those years I just spent working. I wish I had
Speaker 1: spent time with the kids. But the truth is it
Speaker 1: wasn't plausible, Like it wasn't possible for them to do that.
Speaker 1: They needed to work hard in order to pay for
Speaker 1: the bills in order to take care of their family
Speaker 1: at that moment in time. And I feel we forget
Speaker 1: the priorities when we get a result. Right now that
Speaker 1: you have the time, or now that that parent has
Speaker 1: the time or has the financial space to have more
Speaker 1: time with the kids, they now guilt themselves. But the
Speaker 1: truth is you didn't before. So it's so important to
Speaker 1: recognize what your prior authorities were at the time and
Speaker 1: why they existed, because I think for so many people
Speaker 1: we missed that, right, We miss that, We don't recognize
Speaker 1: that actually at that point, if we would have spent
Speaker 1: time with that person, then maybe we would have lost
Speaker 1: that on a lot more, or maybe we would have
Speaker 1: had really bad anxiety, or maybe we would have had
Speaker 1: a lot of other issues. Right, think about what would
Speaker 1: have been lost if you completely shifted over because sometimes
Speaker 1: we have this nostalgic view in our mind of oh,
Speaker 1: it could have been like this, it should have been
Speaker 1: like this, But we often are beating ourselves up when
Speaker 1: we never deserved that. We don't deserve that, So recognize
Speaker 1: why you focused on what you focused when you did.
Speaker 1: The next type of guilt, which is really interesting, is
Speaker 1: the guilt of not having pain, or the guilt of
Speaker 1: having privilege, or the guilt of safety and security. It's
Speaker 1: really fascinating to me that people who grew up in
Speaker 1: well or safety often feel guilt for having that. It's real.
Speaker 1: I've actually sat down and spoken to people who feel
Speaker 1: guilty that their parents were successful. They feel guilty that
Speaker 1: they didn't have to think about survival. They feel guilty
Speaker 1: that they had privilege growing up. And if you've experienced that,
Speaker 1: it's important to share that with others, because again, it's
Speaker 1: a guilt that you carry that is valid. And often
Speaker 1: these people don't feel like that guilt is valid. They think, oh, well,
Speaker 1: how can I feel guilty because I have everything? But
Speaker 1: then I feel guilty for having it right because I
Speaker 1: can see that other people don't have it. What I've
Speaker 1: seen people in this space beautifully do is that they
Speaker 1: try and share it with others. They try and do
Speaker 1: philanthropic work, charity work, support work, they try and do
Speaker 1: healing work. It's so powerful to see people who realized
Speaker 1: that the privilege they received was to be turned into purpose,
Speaker 1: The privilege they received was to be taken as a
Speaker 1: responsibility to help help other people and to share it
Speaker 1: with as many people as they could. I think it's
Speaker 1: also important that you build something of your own and
Speaker 1: people may not perceive it that way, but you try
Speaker 1: your best to do that. And the final one I
Speaker 1: wanted to address was guilt from having got through something
Speaker 1: difficult when others didn't, often known as survival guilt. This
Speaker 1: can be really, really tough when you think you got
Speaker 1: through something and other people didn't. But it's a beautiful
Speaker 1: opportunity again to help others through their journey, to share
Speaker 1: your healing, to share your pain. And I think the
Speaker 1: biggest challenge with guilt is we feel like our guilt
Speaker 1: is not valid. We feel like somewhere deep inside of
Speaker 1: us we shouldn't have that feeling. But the truth is,
Speaker 1: the more we share it, the more we talk to others,
Speaker 1: the more we express it. To therapists, to coaches, to
Speaker 1: friends to family members. The more we create safe, vulnerable
Speaker 1: spaces to share these things, the healthier our society becomes
Speaker 1: because we realize that everyone is deal with something, but
Speaker 1: helping people through their journey, helping someone who's a couple
Speaker 1: of years behind you on the journey is a beautiful
Speaker 1: and powerful step to take in your own healing. I
Speaker 1: really hope that this helps you today. I want to
Speaker 1: thank you for listening. As always, I appreciate you letting
Speaker 1: me riff on some of these topics that are so important,
Speaker 1: and I hope there's one insight you take away from
Speaker 1: today that transforms your relationship with Sham and Gil. Thank
Speaker 1: you for listening. Make sure you leave a review, make
Speaker 1: sure you share this episode with someone who could use it.
Speaker 1: And I can't wait for you to come back next
Speaker 1: week or tomorrow or later today for another one. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Sometimes life feels like a roller coaster.
Speaker 1: One minute we're rocketing upwards, the next we're heading straight down.
Speaker 1: But in reality, even coasters let us coast sometimes so
Speaker 1: we can catch our breath, and in life we can
Speaker 1: learn to create more of that smooth sailing. It all
Speaker 1: comes down to finding the middle path. The next seven
Speaker 1: minutes are about equanimity and the value of returning to center.
Speaker 1: I'm Jy Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now let's
Speaker 1: begin to get centered here by tapping into the breath.
Speaker 1: Take a big breath in and release a big breath out,
Speaker 1: really filling yourself up and letting it all go, coming
Speaker 1: in to the present and settling with focus. Just like that.
Speaker 1: So when I was young, I played a lot of soccer,
Speaker 1: or as I called it back in London football, and
Speaker 1: I had this coach who said something I'll never forget.
Speaker 1: He told us, when you win, celebrate for a night,
Speaker 1: but then get back to training. And when you lose,
Speaker 1: cry for a night, but then get back to training.
Speaker 1: He was a monk and didn't know it. And really
Speaker 1: that's how we should approach all of life. When something
Speaker 1: amazing happens, it's easy to want to hang out in
Speaker 1: that space and we should enjoy it, but too often
Speaker 1: we try to cling to that feeling. It's the same
Speaker 1: when negative things happen and we let ourselves wallow instead,
Speaker 1: we're better off if we find our way back to center.
Speaker 1: When I studied as a monk, our teachers would emphasize equanimity,
Speaker 1: which is kind of a fancy way to say composure
Speaker 1: and evenness of temper. We were encouraged to experience an
Speaker 1: emotion but then come back to a steady state of calm.
Speaker 1: I like to think of equanimity as the balance point
Speaker 1: on a seesaw, neither up nor down. But often we
Speaker 1: experience life as a series of highs and lows, which
Speaker 1: can make things feel out of control or unstable. It's
Speaker 1: like we're constantly feeling these big swings. One day we're
Speaker 1: over the moon, the next we're down in the dumps.
Speaker 1: I've also noticed that many of us feel pressure to
Speaker 1: be happy all the time, and when we don't feel
Speaker 1: that way, it's like we're somehow failing. Equanimity helps with
Speaker 1: both of these issues. First, it allows us to access
Speaker 1: skillness and withstand the pull of our emotions. When it
Speaker 1: comes to the roller coaster of life, we don't have
Speaker 1: to say they strapped into the ride. We can step
Speaker 1: back and watch the cargo by observing we can still
Speaker 1: feel happiness and sadness, but they're not driving us, and
Speaker 1: in turn, hopefully life won't be so unsettled. We can
Speaker 1: focus on feeling peaceful instead of positive What I mean
Speaker 1: is that we can release the pressure to feel joyful
Speaker 1: all the time, and ironically that actually results in a
Speaker 1: more positive feeling. When we learn how to return to center,
Speaker 1: we're calmer and less reactive, and while life is swirling
Speaker 1: around us, we can rest in the eye of the storm.
Speaker 1: With that in mind, let's work on our equanimity as
Speaker 1: we turn to our meditation. First, get a little more
Speaker 1: comfortable wherever you are, relaxing your body and tuning in
Speaker 1: to yourself. Find something to anchor you in the present,
Speaker 1: whether it's your breath, a sensation in your body, or
Speaker 1: a point of contact with the ground. See if you
Speaker 1: can rest gently here, leaning in to this calm center.
Speaker 1: Remember the goal here is to be more peaceful and
Speaker 1: less reactive, to step outside the swirl. Of course, your
Speaker 1: mind may start to wonder, thoughts or emotions may start
Speaker 1: to tugget you. You may even feel like you're getting
Speaker 1: caught on a roller coaster. If that happens, see if
Speaker 1: you can get off the ride watching your thoughts or
Speaker 1: emotions fly past without allowing them to whisk you away.
Speaker 1: Then always come back to center. And now let's open
Speaker 1: this up. As you go through life, do you often
Speaker 1: oscillate between high and low or do you feel pressure
Speaker 1: to chase positivity? What could you do to embrace equanimity
Speaker 1: in your day today? Can you make a point of
Speaker 1: trying to return to center. I know this might not
Speaker 1: always be easy, so have compassion for yourself. Whenever you
Speaker 1: do experience a big swing, you can always come back
Speaker 1: here to this session to help you find your center again.
Speaker 1: Thanks for being here today. I can't wait to see
Speaker 1: you tomorrow.