1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,520 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be 2 00:00:02,560 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my 3 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,039 Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily 4 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while 5 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:16,120 Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress 6 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,880 Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and 7 00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:22,479 Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, 8 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,400 Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,800 Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the 10 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,199 Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for 11 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:35,600 Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily 12 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,120 Speaker 1: Jay during each of my Friday podcasts. This week. We're 13 00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:42,959 Speaker 1: diving into strategies for managing your emotions. Of course, if 14 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: you want to listen to The Daily Jay every day, 15 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,560 Speaker 1: you can subscribe to Calm, So go to calm dot 16 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 1: com forward slash ja for forty percent off your membership today. 17 00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:02,319 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place that 18 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: you come to become happier, healthier and more healed. And 19 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,679 Speaker 1: I am so so grateful to you for all your 20 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:14,679 Speaker 1: incredible reviews on Spotify and on Apple. It's incredible to 21 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 1: read through them. Please please please make sure you leave 22 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,760 Speaker 1: a review. It makes the world of a difference. And 23 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:22,200 Speaker 1: I wanted to point out some of the incredible expert 24 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:25,600 Speaker 1: conversations that we've had this year in case you missed them. 25 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:29,679 Speaker 1: We had doctor Peter Rettier, who's a phenomenal expert in 26 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,720 Speaker 1: longevity scientific ways to slow down aging. I highly recommend 27 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:37,640 Speaker 1: you listen to that. We also had doctor Zach Bush 28 00:01:37,680 --> 00:01:41,560 Speaker 1: on science based approaches to healing your gut health if 29 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: that's something that you're struggling with. I also talked to 30 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,800 Speaker 1: one of your favorites, Dr Joe Dispenser in May on 31 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:52,280 Speaker 1: the twenty ninth about why stress and overthinking negatively impacts 32 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: your brain. These are just a few of the experts 33 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: that we've had so far in the last couple of months. 34 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: I highly recommend you go back and take it listen now. 35 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:04,800 Speaker 1: Today's episode is about a topic that I deeply value 36 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:10,560 Speaker 1: because I know how challenging it is when you're experiencing 37 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 1: it in your life in your mind. I've personally struggled 38 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,120 Speaker 1: with it for so many different reasons. I know so 39 00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,800 Speaker 1: many people in my life who've struggled with it for 40 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: so many different reasons, and I believe it was important 41 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,640 Speaker 1: to address with you today because I know so many 42 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:29,799 Speaker 1: of you may be going through it in your own way. Now. 43 00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:34,640 Speaker 1: Of course, I'm talking about shame and guilt, and we 44 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 1: all feel shame and guilt for different things in our life. Today, 45 00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking to you about the different 46 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,960 Speaker 1: types of experience that we have and what are the 47 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: practical steps we can take to feel better. But first 48 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,320 Speaker 1: of all, what I want to do is I want 49 00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:52,160 Speaker 1: to talk about the difference between shame and guilt. Now, 50 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:55,000 Speaker 1: Brene Brown has done some phenomenal work in this space. 51 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:58,720 Speaker 1: If you've not read her book Daring Greatly, I highly 52 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,280 Speaker 1: recommend it to understand more about this topic. In the 53 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 1: words of Brene Brown, shame is I am bad. Guilt 54 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,680 Speaker 1: is I did something bad. She goes on to say, 55 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,320 Speaker 1: how many of you, if you did something that was 56 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 1: hurtful to me, would be willing to say, I'm sorry 57 00:03:17,360 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: I made a mistake. How many of you would be 58 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: willing to do that guilt, I'm sorry I made a mistake. Shame, 59 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:31,640 Speaker 1: I'm sorry I am a mistake. I love this disconnection 60 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: because it's so subtle, but it's so very important. How 61 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 1: many of us know that the voice in our head 62 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:43,560 Speaker 1: makes us the problem. Not that we have a problem, 63 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:46,480 Speaker 1: but we are the problem. Not that we made a mistake, 64 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:49,200 Speaker 1: but we are the mistake. How many of us walk 65 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:53,840 Speaker 1: around life thinking that not that we did something wrong, 66 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,560 Speaker 1: but that we are wrong. And it's so subtle that 67 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: you might just miss it. But the inner critics voice 68 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,480 Speaker 1: will give you a clue. If you listen closely to 69 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 1: the inner critic, you'll be able to very clearly understand 70 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: whether you say things like I made a mistake or 71 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 1: I am a mistake. Now I want to go on 72 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:18,320 Speaker 1: to share the incredible worlds of Paul Ekman. He also 73 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,640 Speaker 1: said that the distinction between shame and guilt is very important, 74 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: since these two emotions may tear a person in opposite directions. 75 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,800 Speaker 1: He says, Paul Ekman, the wish to relieve guilt may 76 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:36,120 Speaker 1: motivate a confession, but the wish to avoid the humiliation 77 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,760 Speaker 1: of shame may prevent it. How many of you have 78 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:43,040 Speaker 1: ever been caught in that mess where you want to 79 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,279 Speaker 1: tell someone how you feel, or you want to tell 80 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,159 Speaker 1: someone that you know that they're going through something or 81 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 1: whatever it may be, but at the same time you're 82 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:54,240 Speaker 1: scared of what that comes with We get caught in 83 00:04:54,279 --> 00:04:57,720 Speaker 1: the middle, and I know so many of us experience 84 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: this in so many different ways. Before we we dive 85 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,080 Speaker 1: into the different types of guilt and how to overcome them, 86 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,960 Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about the different types 87 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:12,760 Speaker 1: of guilt that we experience. Using research from BioMedCentral dot com, 88 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 1: so they ranked the percentage of all things people felt 89 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:22,840 Speaker 1: guilty about. Number one was telling lies or withholding truth 90 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:29,520 Speaker 1: and information. That's the number one thing we feel guilty about, 91 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,000 Speaker 1: and this comes from the category of feelings of guilt 92 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:38,080 Speaker 1: related to misconduct and mistakes being made. Now, the second 93 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:41,280 Speaker 1: thing that people felt guilty about, or the most frequently 94 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:45,640 Speaker 1: stated reasons for feeling guilty was not spending enough time 95 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 1: with family members, not taking enough care of family members, 96 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 1: and not being there for family members. I think we 97 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:58,960 Speaker 1: can all identify with that type of guilt, and we 98 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:03,000 Speaker 1: will be coming on to this moving forward in this podcast. 99 00:06:03,839 --> 00:06:06,720 Speaker 1: The reason I'm sharing these with you is always to 100 00:06:06,720 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 1: help you recognize that you're not alone, to help you 101 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:13,880 Speaker 1: recognize that we all have these emotions and experiences, that 102 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,800 Speaker 1: there is no one including me, who has perfected this, 103 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,560 Speaker 1: figured it out, mastered it and gets everything right. I 104 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,919 Speaker 1: think it's often our desire for perfection that creates so 105 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: much of the guilt and shame we experience. Our desire 106 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:31,120 Speaker 1: for getting everything to line up, be perfectly balanced, be 107 00:06:31,279 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: fully aligned, centered, grounded, it doesn't exist. The third thing 108 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:41,000 Speaker 1: that we most frequently state that we feel as a 109 00:06:41,040 --> 00:06:46,880 Speaker 1: reason for being guilty is misbehavior towards someone or thinking 110 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,000 Speaker 1: bad about someone. And this comes from feelings of guilt 111 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,480 Speaker 1: related to other people. But this could be anyone from 112 00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:56,960 Speaker 1: the person you bumped into on the street, all the 113 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,599 Speaker 1: way through to the person you cut off in the 114 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,039 Speaker 1: traffic and later on your thinking, oh, I wish I 115 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:04,840 Speaker 1: didn't do that, they didn't deserve that. It's really interesting, right, 116 00:07:04,839 --> 00:07:08,159 Speaker 1: It could be anything misbehavior towards or bad thinking of someone. 117 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: Maybe you said something gossipy about a friend. Maybe you 118 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: said something that you wish you could take back. Maybe 119 00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: you shared someone's private information with someone else. Right, these 120 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,880 Speaker 1: are all things we feel guilty for. Rank number four 121 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: was subjectively perceived responsibility for life situations, events and circumstances 122 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:33,680 Speaker 1: and death, circumstances of others not being able to help 123 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,920 Speaker 1: and support. Right. So this is really interesting because often 124 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: something bad happens to someone and we blame it on ourselves. 125 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:45,120 Speaker 1: We think it must be my fault. Some of our 126 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 1: friends from London were visiting la last year and one 127 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,640 Speaker 1: of my friends recommended that they park in a specific 128 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:58,160 Speaker 1: parking garage, which was safe and recommended, and unfortunately all 129 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:01,560 Speaker 1: of their stuff got stolen from their from that parking garage, 130 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,760 Speaker 1: and that friend of mine feels guilty for that reason constantly, 131 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: because he takes responsibility for that event happening to those individuals. Now, 132 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,280 Speaker 1: of course, this can become far more extreme when it 133 00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 1: relates to people passing away not being there with them 134 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,440 Speaker 1: not being in there. You know a lot of people 135 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 1: have this guilt if they've lost a family member that 136 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:27,680 Speaker 1: I should have been on the plane with them. I 137 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:30,000 Speaker 1: wish I was in the car with them. It wouldn't 138 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:33,000 Speaker 1: have happened if I didn't ask them to do this, right, 139 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:37,440 Speaker 1: We all have that guilt. So again, a very valid 140 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:41,520 Speaker 1: and genuine form of guilt. Number five neglecting someone, not 141 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: taking enough care of someone, not being there for someone, 142 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:50,439 Speaker 1: Another one not achieving something, sense of failure. The next 143 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:55,280 Speaker 1: one negative self attributes or flaws. We feel guilty about 144 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:58,320 Speaker 1: them because we take responsibility for them, and then there's 145 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:04,720 Speaker 1: divorce and breakup, cheating, having affairs problems, issues in relationships 146 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 1: and marriages, not spending enough time with children, procrastination and 147 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,160 Speaker 1: waste of time, being unproductive. How many of you have 148 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 1: that where you haven't been productive, you haven't been effective, 149 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,000 Speaker 1: and then you feel guilty about it. You think, oh, 150 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 1: my gosh, I could have done all of that by now, 151 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,880 Speaker 1: could have launched that podcast, I could have written that book. 152 00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:22,720 Speaker 1: I should have done that, I should have done this, 153 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: and then it never happens. That's what's really interesting about 154 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:31,160 Speaker 1: guilt is that guilt blocks growth. Guilt can be used 155 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,199 Speaker 1: as a launch pad, it can be used as a 156 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,520 Speaker 1: great incentive for change, which I'll come on to in 157 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 1: a moment. But at the same time, guilt blocks growth. 158 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,920 Speaker 1: If we just grow guilt, right, if we keep just 159 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:47,559 Speaker 1: growing a sense of guilt, it will block our growth 160 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:52,679 Speaker 1: because we get so negative about who we are, what 161 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,560 Speaker 1: we do, how we behave, and we feel we have 162 00:09:55,720 --> 00:10:00,000 Speaker 1: missed so much time, we have missed so many opportunities 163 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:02,520 Speaker 1: that we now feel that we can't turn it around. 164 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:06,120 Speaker 1: It's almost like negative math working against us. It's like 165 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: we're like ten zero, right, We're losing ten zero in 166 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 1: the world of guilt, and now we're like, well, even 167 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,640 Speaker 1: if I do one thing, it will still be ten 168 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,280 Speaker 1: to one. I'm so far away, that's what it feels like. 169 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: You're like ten goals down. Then it continues with unfavorable 170 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,800 Speaker 1: health or self indulgence. We guilt ourselves of what we 171 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:29,440 Speaker 1: eat and if we do or don't work out. And 172 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,920 Speaker 1: it's really interesting, right, those are the top categories of 173 00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 1: guilt that we as humans experience, and I think all 174 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: of us could agree that we've all experienced them at 175 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,520 Speaker 1: one point or another. So now that we understand the 176 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,760 Speaker 1: difference between guilt and shame, I want to focus in 177 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,280 Speaker 1: on the different types of guilt that we experience in 178 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,360 Speaker 1: our lives and what we can do about it. Remember, 179 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,960 Speaker 1: guilt is I'm sorry I made a mistake. Shame is 180 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,760 Speaker 1: I'm sorry I am a mistake. And I want to 181 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:01,280 Speaker 1: shift us away from believing that we are a mistake 182 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:07,200 Speaker 1: or that we ourselves as an entity, are wrong, are lost. 183 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: We say things like I am a failure. No, I 184 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,080 Speaker 1: have experienced failure. And that's what I want you to 185 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,040 Speaker 1: do with the inner critic in your mind. I want 186 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 1: you to start making that switch where instead of every 187 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,800 Speaker 1: time you catch yourself saying I am a failure, I 188 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 1: am a mistake, start replacing it with I have experienced failure. 189 00:11:26,880 --> 00:11:31,199 Speaker 1: I failed at this, this particular event failed. I think 190 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 1: it's important to start disconnecting your identity from an emotion 191 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 1: and a statement. Right. The mistake we make is when 192 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,560 Speaker 1: we mesh together our identity with a word, we start 193 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:50,840 Speaker 1: to identify with that word, and that becomes a belief. 194 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:54,440 Speaker 1: Once that becomes a belief, it becomes a repetitive habit 195 00:11:54,559 --> 00:11:58,120 Speaker 1: in our lives, and then it feels like normal. It's 196 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,240 Speaker 1: almost like when someone says something in your head think well, 197 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,800 Speaker 1: I'm a loser anyway. So what's the point. Right, So 198 00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:07,440 Speaker 1: once you start creating that distance, Now, how do you 199 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:10,600 Speaker 1: start creating that distance? You ask? The first way is 200 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,840 Speaker 1: to what you're in a dialogue and make that difference. 201 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:18,120 Speaker 1: The second is to recognize and go back to when 202 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 1: you have felt guilty. Reflect and write down the top 203 00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 1: three times or even one time that you have experienced 204 00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:31,800 Speaker 1: guilt and shame and when it really started leaning into shame. 205 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: And now, in hindsight, I want you to look back 206 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:40,160 Speaker 1: and recognize, is it true that you have also been 207 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:45,559 Speaker 1: not responsible in certain challenges. Is it true that you've 208 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 1: also won as well as lost and failed in different things. 209 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:54,320 Speaker 1: Is it true that there is more diversity in your 210 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:59,480 Speaker 1: experience then there is consistency. Is it true that if 211 00:12:59,559 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 1: you think you are a mistake, that you've also got 212 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,360 Speaker 1: certain things right and done things well and made people 213 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:11,200 Speaker 1: feel good. Noticing this discrepancy is what helps you accept that, yes, 214 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,840 Speaker 1: I have made mistakes, but I am not a mistake, 215 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:18,560 Speaker 1: and even repeating that, recognizing and accepting. Remember, we're not 216 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 1: shunning our mistakes. We're not trying to push them away. 217 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,760 Speaker 1: We're not trying to pretend that they didn't happen. We're 218 00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,440 Speaker 1: not trying to be in denial. We're accepting they happened. 219 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,760 Speaker 1: We're accepting we made them. But we won't accept that 220 00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: we are them. We're not going to accept that we're 221 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,200 Speaker 1: defined by them, because our life shows us that we 222 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,520 Speaker 1: have a bit of both. We've all won and failed, 223 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 1: we've all been stuck and focused, We've all made mistakes 224 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:52,520 Speaker 1: and got things right. Please recognize that now. The first 225 00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:55,839 Speaker 1: type of guilt that we experienced that I want to 226 00:13:55,840 --> 00:14:00,440 Speaker 1: talk about today is guilt over a past mistake. How 227 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:05,320 Speaker 1: many of you replay your past mistakes in your mind. 228 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,199 Speaker 1: Maybe it was in a relationship, and you think to yourself, well, 229 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,640 Speaker 1: if I didn't do that, they'd still be here. If 230 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:18,079 Speaker 1: I did do that, they'd still be here. I ruined 231 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,120 Speaker 1: that I messed that up. I had such a good 232 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,840 Speaker 1: thing going. But maybe if I just didn't open my mouth, 233 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,560 Speaker 1: maybe if I didn't set those boundaries, maybe if I 234 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: didn't push so hard. We all experience guilt over past mistakes, 235 00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: and sometimes these guilts get so deep rooted that they 236 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:42,320 Speaker 1: start to impact all of our lives afterwards, they start 237 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,640 Speaker 1: to impact everything. What ends up happening is that when 238 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,400 Speaker 1: you feel guilt over a past mistake, you now reflect 239 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 1: and project that guilt onto new people at work, new 240 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 1: people in your relationships, friends, anyone that comes across your way. 241 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 1: And so it's so important to address this. It's so 242 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:04,640 Speaker 1: important to accept it. It's so important to focus in 243 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 1: on it. If there's a guilt over a past mistake, 244 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:11,239 Speaker 1: if you can, if the person is alive and accessible 245 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 1: when you prepare or when you feel prepared, the best 246 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: thing you can do is actually reach out and try 247 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,200 Speaker 1: and solve it right. If you have done something that 248 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: you don't feel proud about. If you feel you've done 249 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: something that you don't feel represents who you are, and 250 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,720 Speaker 1: there's a pass mistake that is haunting you or lurking 251 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,880 Speaker 1: there behind you, it's important that you can reach out 252 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,560 Speaker 1: and set the record straight. And that's a really beautiful 253 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 1: thing to be able to do. So now let's say 254 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000 Speaker 1: that you are going to reach out. I think it's 255 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,400 Speaker 1: really important that you prepare before you do. Often we 256 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,560 Speaker 1: have this knee jerk reaction to just pick up the 257 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: phone and say I'm sorry, you know, and we're not 258 00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:54,240 Speaker 1: thinking about how it may affect the other person. We're 259 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:56,800 Speaker 1: not thinking about what it may mean for us. And 260 00:15:56,880 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 1: often if the person is not accessible or or you 261 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,920 Speaker 1: may actually in your preparation realize I don't think talking 262 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,920 Speaker 1: to them directly is going to do any good. It's 263 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: important to check in with yourself and share that apology. 264 00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: You may share that apology energetically, you may share that 265 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:18,640 Speaker 1: apology as a healing practice. If you don't feel that 266 00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:21,320 Speaker 1: person is accessible or you may not be connected to 267 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,400 Speaker 1: them anymore. And I remember when I was on my tour, 268 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 1: I met so many people who would say to me 269 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,920 Speaker 1: they haven't spoken to someone they love for years now, 270 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:33,080 Speaker 1: if you remember, if you did come to my tour, 271 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:34,720 Speaker 1: and if you didn't, I hope you will come to 272 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,040 Speaker 1: our next event. But at my tour, I encourage people 273 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 1: to call people that they hadn't spoken to for whatever 274 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,680 Speaker 1: challenge they'd been going through personally. It could have been 275 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:45,240 Speaker 1: a couple of years, it could have been ten years. 276 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,600 Speaker 1: And everyone who made that call it wasn't a fairy 277 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,040 Speaker 1: tale ending because that wasn't the goal. The goal was 278 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:57,880 Speaker 1: that that person had the courage to sit in the discomfort, 279 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,920 Speaker 1: to share how they truly felt because it was healing 280 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,600 Speaker 1: to them and they felt the other person needed to 281 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,240 Speaker 1: hear it too. We had people calling up ex partners 282 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,240 Speaker 1: saying I'm sorry for how I dealt with the divorce. 283 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,240 Speaker 1: I'm not asking for you back, but I want you 284 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,680 Speaker 1: to know I love and appreciate you. We had people 285 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,639 Speaker 1: reaching out and saying you're my brother, I love you, 286 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,960 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that we fell out two years ago. 287 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:21,320 Speaker 1: We had people saying I'm sorry that this event got 288 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 1: in the way of our friendship, and whether the person 289 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,680 Speaker 1: on the other side was amicable or reciprocal. What I 290 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,760 Speaker 1: found is that the person who shared it felt the 291 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,800 Speaker 1: most healed and the person who received it found some 292 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,600 Speaker 1: solace in it. The second thing that you can do 293 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 1: with guilty of a past mistake is change your behavior 294 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:45,760 Speaker 1: in the future. This is the best remedy for yourself 295 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,639 Speaker 1: and others. The only way you make yourself feel better 296 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: about the past is by doing better in the future. 297 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: Let me say that again, the only way you make 298 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:59,200 Speaker 1: yourself feel better about the past is by doing better 299 00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,280 Speaker 1: in the future. You can't make yourself feel good about 300 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:06,840 Speaker 1: the past if you continue to behave badly in the future. 301 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,720 Speaker 1: It doesn't work that way. We can't change the past. 302 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:12,720 Speaker 1: We can't solve the past. We can't edit the past. 303 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 1: But when we edit the present, we create the future 304 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,359 Speaker 1: that we've really wont right. We can't edit the past, 305 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,520 Speaker 1: and we live in the past just kind of doing 306 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,359 Speaker 1: mental exercises trying to figure it out. But it doesn't 307 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,800 Speaker 1: work that way. And I want you to recognize with 308 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: all of this guilt and shame that if you experience 309 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:36,520 Speaker 1: a sense of guilt, it just shows that you're reflective. 310 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 1: I always feel that way. I experienced guilt and I've 311 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,760 Speaker 1: started to recognize that it just shows that I care. 312 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,040 Speaker 1: It just shows that I'm reflective. It it shows that 313 00:18:46,119 --> 00:18:50,520 Speaker 1: I'm allowing myself to question myself. I'm allowing myself to 314 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:53,000 Speaker 1: not think that everything I do is right and perfect 315 00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:56,280 Speaker 1: and wonderful, and I think that that's a great quality. 316 00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,920 Speaker 1: It's shame that we want to shift away from, and 317 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,640 Speaker 1: guilt if if it's not taken care of, will very 318 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:10,160 Speaker 1: easily grow into shame. And so while shame is unhealthy, 319 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,119 Speaker 1: guilt is something we have to deal with. It's showing 320 00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:16,240 Speaker 1: us what we need to heal, but it's also showing 321 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,560 Speaker 1: us that we're reflective, introspective beings. So I don't want 322 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:22,840 Speaker 1: you to guilt yourself for feeling guilt. I want you 323 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 1: to feel heard and seen and understood. I don't want 324 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:28,480 Speaker 1: you to guilt yourself for feeling that way. The second 325 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,760 Speaker 1: type of guilt is guilt because of how someone made 326 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,920 Speaker 1: you feel. Now, this may be guilt where you didn't 327 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: see any involvement, You didn't see or feel any responsibility, 328 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,040 Speaker 1: but someone came back at you and told you. Someone 329 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,520 Speaker 1: may have told you, hey, you said this to me 330 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,959 Speaker 1: and it made me feel this way. You did this 331 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: and it made me feel this way, and now you're 332 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,920 Speaker 1: feeling guilty because of how they've expressed that to you, 333 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:54,359 Speaker 1: and in this opportunity, it's always important to acknowledge the 334 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:59,280 Speaker 1: person's feelings. It's always important to acknowledge that there is 335 00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:03,280 Speaker 1: some truth in how that person feels, even if that 336 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,879 Speaker 1: wasn't your intent, even if that's not what you were 337 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 1: trying to do. And I think often this guilt can 338 00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,200 Speaker 1: lead to more guilt if we actually shun the other 339 00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,680 Speaker 1: person away, if we act as if it doesn't matter, 340 00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,199 Speaker 1: that's not what we were trying to do, we go 341 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,800 Speaker 1: into defensive mode. What ends up happening is we actually 342 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:22,040 Speaker 1: make them feel worse, and we make ourselves feel worse 343 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:25,679 Speaker 1: in the long run. So acknowledging that there is some truth, 344 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:31,040 Speaker 1: there is some reality to that person's emotions and feelings 345 00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:36,320 Speaker 1: is important. The second step is recognizing what is your 346 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 1: part and what may have been misconstrued by them. I 347 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,960 Speaker 1: think it's so important to recognize that there are always 348 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,639 Speaker 1: always two sides to that story, right, there are always 349 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,320 Speaker 1: we look at everything from our subjective lens. Often I'll 350 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,160 Speaker 1: sit down and think where do I have this viewpoint from? 351 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,960 Speaker 1: Why do I have this vantage point? And I'll recognize 352 00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,000 Speaker 1: there's so many biases in why I even said that 353 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:05,000 Speaker 1: all got there right. There's so many biases happening every 354 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,000 Speaker 1: single day of why I even said something, why I 355 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:09,159 Speaker 1: got to that point, why I made it in the 356 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,080 Speaker 1: way that I made everything else. When you start becoming 357 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:14,159 Speaker 1: aware of that, you can actually better explain it. The 358 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: other day, Rady called me up and she had a 359 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,840 Speaker 1: really urgent question for me, and I was really tired. 360 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 1: I hadn't eaten all day, and I said to it, 361 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 1: I said, RADI, if I respond right now, I'm not 362 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,160 Speaker 1: going to give you my best answer. Do you mind 363 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,240 Speaker 1: if I just get something to eat first, I'll tell 364 00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:30,840 Speaker 1: you straight away. And that was me protecting myself from 365 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 1: behaving in a way that I would later feel guilty about, 366 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,600 Speaker 1: or from having her have to tell me that, hey, 367 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,639 Speaker 1: I didn't like the way you spoke to me, and 368 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:40,399 Speaker 1: then I would defend myself and be like, oh, but 369 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,199 Speaker 1: I was tired. You don't even understand. You didn't even 370 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: ask how I was, when actually the truth is, by 371 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:48,920 Speaker 1: being reflective, I can actually preempt that. Now, let's say 372 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,320 Speaker 1: your situation is a bit more serious than that. I 373 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 1: think it's important that you own your part, but you 374 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: don't own all of it. You recognize your involvement, you 375 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:02,040 Speaker 1: recognize your part, but you accept that there are other 376 00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:04,080 Speaker 1: reasons as well. Now, if you're on the receiving end 377 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:05,760 Speaker 1: of that and you're like, well, I want that person 378 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,639 Speaker 1: to accept all responsibility, I think often that even if 379 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,200 Speaker 1: it feels that way, and by the way, there are 380 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,040 Speaker 1: situations where it is just the other person's action and 381 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: it is just the other person's behavior, like you don't 382 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:22,879 Speaker 1: actually you weren't old enough, you wann't thoughtful enough, you 383 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,600 Speaker 1: wren't wise enough. Like that is real. And in that situation, 384 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,439 Speaker 1: you're not taking responsibility for the experience or the event. 385 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 1: You're saying taking responsibility for the future you want to build. 386 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,760 Speaker 1: I think this is a really subtle difference. I want 387 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:41,320 Speaker 1: to point out that if you're not at fault, you 388 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:46,080 Speaker 1: never accept responsibility for the fault or the event or 389 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: whatever happened. You accept responsibility for the future you want 390 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 1: to build and create. That's one of the things that 391 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,639 Speaker 1: coaching focuses on is that coaching is not telling you 392 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,280 Speaker 1: to take responsibility for the mistakes that happened to you, 393 00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 1: or the issue or the abuse you received with a trauma. 394 00:23:02,359 --> 00:23:04,680 Speaker 1: That would be so unhealthy to tell someone to do that. 395 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:07,240 Speaker 1: That is not what we're saying to do here. What 396 00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:09,000 Speaker 1: I'm saying is you're saying, I want to live a 397 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 1: great life from now and I went through this, I 398 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:14,560 Speaker 1: experienced this, this happened to me. But I'm going to 399 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,720 Speaker 1: take charge of where I want to go. Another step 400 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:23,320 Speaker 1: here is to recognize what parts of it you're willing 401 00:23:23,359 --> 00:23:26,400 Speaker 1: to take responsibility for, as opposed to just feeling guilty 402 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:29,159 Speaker 1: because of how they're making you feel. I also want 403 00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,840 Speaker 1: to recommend in all of this process that therapy is 404 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,159 Speaker 1: such a powerful form. I partnered with Better Help several 405 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,560 Speaker 1: times on the podcast. We had some really phenomenal conversations 406 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,959 Speaker 1: with so many individuals who are dealing with different challenges 407 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,280 Speaker 1: and showed how therapy can be powerful for that. I 408 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:49,200 Speaker 1: highly highly recommend that because it can be really really 409 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:54,320 Speaker 1: important to do that. Therapy is a great safe space 410 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,920 Speaker 1: to reflect on these things so that you don't lead 411 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,840 Speaker 1: to more negative behaviors towards yourself or unhealthy ideas towards 412 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:04,359 Speaker 1: yourself at the same time being able to grow. Now. 413 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,200 Speaker 1: The other guilt that we experience is what I mentioned earlier, 414 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:09,720 Speaker 1: the guilt for not making time for others right the 415 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:14,240 Speaker 1: guilt or the feeling of letting someone else down. And again, 416 00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: going back to our earlier principle, make time now, Make 417 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,720 Speaker 1: time now. If you feel guilty about not giving someone 418 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:22,679 Speaker 1: time before, make time now now. You may say, they 419 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,240 Speaker 1: don't want to spend time with me anymore, jay I 420 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:28,520 Speaker 1: lost them. They're not around anymore. Make time for the 421 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:31,600 Speaker 1: next person, Make time for other people. Make time for 422 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:34,680 Speaker 1: people who've always made time for you. Go out there 423 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,880 Speaker 1: and make that change. Don't be selfish and just want 424 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:39,640 Speaker 1: to make it for that person that you can't get back. 425 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,320 Speaker 1: Make it for another person and know that you're doing 426 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,680 Speaker 1: it for that reason. Know then be aware that, hey, 427 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:47,760 Speaker 1: I'm making time because I recognize that happened in the past. 428 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,720 Speaker 1: I now want to make time for people I care about. 429 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:52,520 Speaker 1: This second point is really important, and I want you 430 00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:54,600 Speaker 1: to write this down because I think it's often missed. 431 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,800 Speaker 1: Recognize what your priorities were when you didn't make time 432 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,639 Speaker 1: for the people you wanted to make time for. What's 433 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:06,639 Speaker 1: really interesting is once we start living with a benefit, 434 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:10,119 Speaker 1: we get we forget why it was our focus. Let 435 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:14,600 Speaker 1: me explain to you. Let's say a parent works really 436 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:18,480 Speaker 1: hard to put food on the table and provide for 437 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,920 Speaker 1: their family. Now, when they may not be financially as unstable, 438 00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:25,479 Speaker 1: they may look back and think, oh my gosh, all 439 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,719 Speaker 1: those years I just spent working. I wish I had 440 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:31,240 Speaker 1: spent time with the kids. But the truth is it 441 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 1: wasn't plausible, Like it wasn't possible for them to do that. 442 00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,000 Speaker 1: They needed to work hard in order to pay for 443 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,960 Speaker 1: the bills in order to take care of their family 444 00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,600 Speaker 1: at that moment in time. And I feel we forget 445 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:45,879 Speaker 1: the priorities when we get a result. Right now that 446 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,080 Speaker 1: you have the time, or now that that parent has 447 00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:52,160 Speaker 1: the time or has the financial space to have more 448 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: time with the kids, they now guilt themselves. But the 449 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:57,960 Speaker 1: truth is you didn't before. So it's so important to 450 00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 1: recognize what your prior authorities were at the time and 451 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:05,640 Speaker 1: why they existed, because I think for so many people 452 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 1: we missed that, right, We miss that, We don't recognize 453 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,080 Speaker 1: that actually at that point, if we would have spent 454 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,080 Speaker 1: time with that person, then maybe we would have lost 455 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,600 Speaker 1: that on a lot more, or maybe we would have 456 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,960 Speaker 1: had really bad anxiety, or maybe we would have had 457 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:23,400 Speaker 1: a lot of other issues. Right, think about what would 458 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,960 Speaker 1: have been lost if you completely shifted over because sometimes 459 00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:32,480 Speaker 1: we have this nostalgic view in our mind of oh, 460 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,440 Speaker 1: it could have been like this, it should have been 461 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:38,880 Speaker 1: like this, But we often are beating ourselves up when 462 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:43,119 Speaker 1: we never deserved that. We don't deserve that, So recognize 463 00:26:43,119 --> 00:26:45,520 Speaker 1: why you focused on what you focused when you did. 464 00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:49,800 Speaker 1: The next type of guilt, which is really interesting, is 465 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,359 Speaker 1: the guilt of not having pain, or the guilt of 466 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,080 Speaker 1: having privilege, or the guilt of safety and security. It's 467 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,560 Speaker 1: really fascinating to me that people who grew up in 468 00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:05,600 Speaker 1: well or safety often feel guilt for having that. It's real. 469 00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,080 Speaker 1: I've actually sat down and spoken to people who feel 470 00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:11,679 Speaker 1: guilty that their parents were successful. They feel guilty that 471 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:15,400 Speaker 1: they didn't have to think about survival. They feel guilty 472 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,000 Speaker 1: that they had privilege growing up. And if you've experienced that, 473 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:26,880 Speaker 1: it's important to share that with others, because again, it's 474 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: a guilt that you carry that is valid. And often 475 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,840 Speaker 1: these people don't feel like that guilt is valid. They think, oh, well, 476 00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:33,399 Speaker 1: how can I feel guilty because I have everything? But 477 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,359 Speaker 1: then I feel guilty for having it right because I 478 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:38,760 Speaker 1: can see that other people don't have it. What I've 479 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:42,200 Speaker 1: seen people in this space beautifully do is that they 480 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: try and share it with others. They try and do 481 00:27:45,560 --> 00:27:48,439 Speaker 1: philanthropic work, charity work, support work, they try and do 482 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:52,560 Speaker 1: healing work. It's so powerful to see people who realized 483 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,960 Speaker 1: that the privilege they received was to be turned into purpose, 484 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:58,960 Speaker 1: The privilege they received was to be taken as a 485 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:02,159 Speaker 1: responsibility to help help other people and to share it 486 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 1: with as many people as they could. I think it's 487 00:28:04,119 --> 00:28:07,680 Speaker 1: also important that you build something of your own and 488 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,000 Speaker 1: people may not perceive it that way, but you try 489 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,240 Speaker 1: your best to do that. And the final one I 490 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:16,040 Speaker 1: wanted to address was guilt from having got through something 491 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:22,719 Speaker 1: difficult when others didn't, often known as survival guilt. This 492 00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,920 Speaker 1: can be really, really tough when you think you got 493 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:27,680 Speaker 1: through something and other people didn't. But it's a beautiful 494 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 1: opportunity again to help others through their journey, to share 495 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,080 Speaker 1: your healing, to share your pain. And I think the 496 00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:37,840 Speaker 1: biggest challenge with guilt is we feel like our guilt 497 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:41,280 Speaker 1: is not valid. We feel like somewhere deep inside of 498 00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:43,320 Speaker 1: us we shouldn't have that feeling. But the truth is, 499 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:46,120 Speaker 1: the more we share it, the more we talk to others, 500 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 1: the more we express it. To therapists, to coaches, to 501 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,280 Speaker 1: friends to family members. The more we create safe, vulnerable 502 00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 1: spaces to share these things, the healthier our society becomes 503 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,400 Speaker 1: because we realize that everyone is deal with something, but 504 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 1: helping people through their journey, helping someone who's a couple 505 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,040 Speaker 1: of years behind you on the journey is a beautiful 506 00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:13,200 Speaker 1: and powerful step to take in your own healing. I 507 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,960 Speaker 1: really hope that this helps you today. I want to 508 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:18,960 Speaker 1: thank you for listening. As always, I appreciate you letting 509 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:22,880 Speaker 1: me riff on some of these topics that are so important, 510 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:25,479 Speaker 1: and I hope there's one insight you take away from 511 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 1: today that transforms your relationship with Sham and Gil. Thank 512 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 1: you for listening. Make sure you leave a review, make 513 00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,080 Speaker 1: sure you share this episode with someone who could use it. 514 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,400 Speaker 1: And I can't wait for you to come back next 515 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,600 Speaker 1: week or tomorrow or later today for another one. Thank 516 00:29:39,600 --> 00:29:51,959 Speaker 1: you so much. Sometimes life feels like a roller coaster. 517 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:57,160 Speaker 1: One minute we're rocketing upwards, the next we're heading straight down. 518 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:02,840 Speaker 1: But in reality, even coasters let us coast sometimes so 519 00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:06,600 Speaker 1: we can catch our breath, and in life we can 520 00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:11,240 Speaker 1: learn to create more of that smooth sailing. It all 521 00:30:11,280 --> 00:30:15,400 Speaker 1: comes down to finding the middle path. The next seven 522 00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:20,760 Speaker 1: minutes are about equanimity and the value of returning to center. 523 00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 1: I'm Jy Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Now let's 524 00:30:26,840 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 1: begin to get centered here by tapping into the breath. 525 00:30:32,120 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: Take a big breath in and release a big breath out, 526 00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:49,959 Speaker 1: really filling yourself up and letting it all go, coming 527 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:58,160 Speaker 1: in to the present and settling with focus. Just like that. 528 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,400 Speaker 1: So when I was young, I played a lot of soccer, 529 00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:07,400 Speaker 1: or as I called it back in London football, and 530 00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: I had this coach who said something I'll never forget. 531 00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:15,240 Speaker 1: He told us, when you win, celebrate for a night, 532 00:31:15,800 --> 00:31:18,880 Speaker 1: but then get back to training. And when you lose, 533 00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:22,320 Speaker 1: cry for a night, but then get back to training. 534 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,320 Speaker 1: He was a monk and didn't know it. And really 535 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,160 Speaker 1: that's how we should approach all of life. When something 536 00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:33,560 Speaker 1: amazing happens, it's easy to want to hang out in 537 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:37,640 Speaker 1: that space and we should enjoy it, but too often 538 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,240 Speaker 1: we try to cling to that feeling. It's the same 539 00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:46,000 Speaker 1: when negative things happen and we let ourselves wallow instead, 540 00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:50,280 Speaker 1: we're better off if we find our way back to center. 541 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:55,520 Speaker 1: When I studied as a monk, our teachers would emphasize equanimity, 542 00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:59,000 Speaker 1: which is kind of a fancy way to say composure 543 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:04,320 Speaker 1: and evenness of temper. We were encouraged to experience an 544 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:09,480 Speaker 1: emotion but then come back to a steady state of calm. 545 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:13,000 Speaker 1: I like to think of equanimity as the balance point 546 00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:17,640 Speaker 1: on a seesaw, neither up nor down. But often we 547 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:22,240 Speaker 1: experience life as a series of highs and lows, which 548 00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:26,560 Speaker 1: can make things feel out of control or unstable. It's 549 00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:30,960 Speaker 1: like we're constantly feeling these big swings. One day we're 550 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,800 Speaker 1: over the moon, the next we're down in the dumps. 551 00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:38,200 Speaker 1: I've also noticed that many of us feel pressure to 552 00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:41,560 Speaker 1: be happy all the time, and when we don't feel 553 00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:47,040 Speaker 1: that way, it's like we're somehow failing. Equanimity helps with 554 00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:51,600 Speaker 1: both of these issues. First, it allows us to access 555 00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:56,720 Speaker 1: skillness and withstand the pull of our emotions. When it 556 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,719 Speaker 1: comes to the roller coaster of life, we don't have 557 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:02,960 Speaker 1: to say they strapped into the ride. We can step 558 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:08,480 Speaker 1: back and watch the cargo by observing we can still 559 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:13,640 Speaker 1: feel happiness and sadness, but they're not driving us, and 560 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:19,520 Speaker 1: in turn, hopefully life won't be so unsettled. We can 561 00:33:19,560 --> 00:33:23,960 Speaker 1: focus on feeling peaceful instead of positive What I mean 562 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: is that we can release the pressure to feel joyful 563 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:32,400 Speaker 1: all the time, and ironically that actually results in a 564 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:37,280 Speaker 1: more positive feeling. When we learn how to return to center, 565 00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:42,760 Speaker 1: we're calmer and less reactive, and while life is swirling 566 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:46,680 Speaker 1: around us, we can rest in the eye of the storm. 567 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:52,240 Speaker 1: With that in mind, let's work on our equanimity as 568 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:57,200 Speaker 1: we turn to our meditation. First, get a little more 569 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:03,160 Speaker 1: comfortable wherever you are, relaxing your body and tuning in 570 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:11,320 Speaker 1: to yourself. Find something to anchor you in the present, 571 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:20,680 Speaker 1: whether it's your breath, a sensation in your body, or 572 00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:27,600 Speaker 1: a point of contact with the ground. See if you 573 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:35,000 Speaker 1: can rest gently here, leaning in to this calm center. 574 00:34:41,680 --> 00:34:48,080 Speaker 1: Remember the goal here is to be more peaceful and 575 00:34:48,239 --> 00:35:02,040 Speaker 1: less reactive, to step outside the swirl. Of course, your 576 00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:09,960 Speaker 1: mind may start to wonder, thoughts or emotions may start 577 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:16,200 Speaker 1: to tugget you. You may even feel like you're getting 578 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:24,319 Speaker 1: caught on a roller coaster. If that happens, see if 579 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:30,000 Speaker 1: you can get off the ride watching your thoughts or 580 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:36,960 Speaker 1: emotions fly past without allowing them to whisk you away. 581 00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:56,200 Speaker 1: Then always come back to center. And now let's open 582 00:35:56,280 --> 00:36:01,080 Speaker 1: this up. As you go through life, do you often 583 00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:07,440 Speaker 1: oscillate between high and low or do you feel pressure 584 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:17,279 Speaker 1: to chase positivity? What could you do to embrace equanimity 585 00:36:17,880 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 1: in your day today? Can you make a point of 586 00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:33,400 Speaker 1: trying to return to center. I know this might not 587 00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:38,359 Speaker 1: always be easy, so have compassion for yourself. Whenever you 588 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:43,239 Speaker 1: do experience a big swing, you can always come back 589 00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:47,960 Speaker 1: here to this session to help you find your center again. 590 00:36:49,000 --> 00:36:51,879 Speaker 1: Thanks for being here today. I can't wait to see 591 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:52,520 Speaker 1: you tomorrow.