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Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vandercamp. I'm a mother of five,

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Speaker 1: an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah Hartunger.

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Speaker 1: I'm a mother of three, a practicing physician and blogger.

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Speaker 1: On the side, we are two working parents who love

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Speaker 1: our careers and our families. Welcome to best of both worlds.

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Speaker 1: Here we talk about how real women manage work, family,

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Speaker 1: and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping

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Speaker 1: out long term career goals. We want you to get

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Speaker 1: the most out of life. Welcome to best of both worlds.

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Speaker 1: This is Laura. This is episode two hundred and ninety two,

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Speaker 1: airing in early March of twenty twenty three. Today's topic

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Speaker 1: is you win some, you lose some. Me talking about

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Speaker 1: kid activities in general, managing competitiveness and disappointment and anything

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Speaker 1: else along those lines. So, Sarah, I guess we should

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Speaker 1: start with an inventory of what activities your family is

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Speaker 1: currently doing. What do you have going on right now? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and we did do something similar to this at the

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Speaker 1: beginning of the school year. But if anybody else's family

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Speaker 1: is like our family, there are definitely shifts that go

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Speaker 1: on across the gear. So we figured it would make

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Speaker 1: sense to update. So currently, well, I'll give you the

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Speaker 1: start and the current. So at the beginning of the year,

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Speaker 1: Annabel was in tennis, gymnastics, and drama. They put on

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Speaker 1: a play which was awesome, so that ended and tennis

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Speaker 1: was dropped due to not liking it so much. So

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Speaker 1: now she is only in gymnastics, although it is three

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Speaker 1: times a week, so that keeps her somewhat busy. Cameron

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Speaker 1: was in tennis, soccer, and gymnastics and then also did

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Speaker 1: winter track. Track and soccer were like season events, so

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Speaker 1: they both ended. He completed both of them. He had

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Speaker 1: a good time, although they kind of conflicted of it,

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Speaker 1: so he missed some track stuff because he seemed to

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Speaker 1: prioritize soccer, and he did take a break from tennis

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Speaker 1: because when soccer and track were concurrently going, he had

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Speaker 1: like no other time. But right now, since those seasons

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Speaker 1: are over, he's just in once a week gymnastics, which

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Speaker 1: he does reluctantly a little bit, but doesn't mind. He

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Speaker 1: sees it as conditioning, I guess. And then he has

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Speaker 1: started ukulele lessons at school and we're trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out his next sport because he really does enjoy doing sports.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of downtime with no activities is not

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Speaker 1: great for him. And then Genevieve was in ballet and

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Speaker 1: gymnastics at the start of the year and she's still

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Speaker 1: in both of those just once a week, and she

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Speaker 1: now takes piano lessons at school and she's really enjoying it,

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Speaker 1: so that's super fun. Our rule of THULMB in the

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Speaker 1: family is something active and something artistic. I think yours

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Speaker 1: is active and musical. Yeah, pretty much. I mean I

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Speaker 1: almost don't want to go through the list because it's

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Speaker 1: just so long long. At the moment, you just you know,

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Speaker 1: five kids, you wind up with a lot of stuff.

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Speaker 1: Jasper is doing Science Olympiad through his high school and

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Speaker 1: also his vocal ensemble at school that's their select choir,

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Speaker 1: and then he takes voice lessons as a supplement to that.

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Speaker 1: He's doing racket sports as his PE class. They have

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Speaker 1: elective PE at his high school, which is really cool.

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Speaker 1: I think that would have massively improved my experience of

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Speaker 1: physical education if that had been more common back in

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Speaker 1: the day. And he's often taken tennis lessons. I think

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Speaker 1: we're going to do that a little bit more seriously,

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Speaker 1: like over spring and summer. It's just not really something

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Speaker 1: you feel like doing in the winter so much. Sam

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Speaker 1: this year is doing the something called TSA, which I

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Speaker 1: think stands for Technology Student Association. He's at a new

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Speaker 1: middle school this year, and so there's their first year

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Speaker 1: and they wound up kind of cleaning up at regionals,

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Speaker 1: so about fifty students are going to the state competition

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Speaker 1: from that, so that's pretty exciting. He's in a Dungeons

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Speaker 1: and Dragons club. He's in the jazz band and also

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Speaker 1: takes alto sax lessons and is doing fencing as his

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Speaker 1: physical activity thing. He also signed up to run sound

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Speaker 1: for the middle school musical, so that is going to

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Speaker 1: kind of take away from everything else for the next

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Speaker 1: few weeks. But that's all good boy Scouts as well.

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Speaker 1: Ruth is doing currently ice skating. I think that's going

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Speaker 1: to end. We're trying to find something else for her.

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Speaker 1: Trumpet lesson plus banding choir at school. She's also in

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Speaker 1: the school musical, which is the current thing that's keeping

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Speaker 1: her after school every single day right now, but that's

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Speaker 1: going to end in two weeks and then figure out

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Speaker 1: something else for her to do. Boy Alex, he's kind

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Speaker 1: of another one who likes to he needs to do

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Speaker 1: something active, so he's doing ninja karate, parkour, climbing, He's

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Speaker 1: going to start swimming lessons soon. He and Michael go

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Speaker 1: skiing at the moment on weekends, although that's going to

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Speaker 1: end pretty soon as well as it eventually becomes spring.

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Speaker 1: And Henry has been starting activities. He just started this

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Speaker 1: little karate class because he's been attending everyone else's karate classes,

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Speaker 1: so we knew all the little kicks and stuff, so

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Speaker 1: he started that. He does a music class and it's

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Speaker 1: going to be doing swimming lessons as well. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: it kind of signs like a lot, and it kind

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Speaker 1: of is. But I think we kind of share the

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Speaker 1: philosophy that it's okay for kids to have some stuff

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Speaker 1: going on because otherwise they're just often sitting around the

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Speaker 1: house on screens. And truthfully, even with the schedules, there's

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Speaker 1: still plenty of downtime time for playdates, time for just

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Speaker 1: hanging around the house playing video games, doing whatever. So

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Speaker 1: I don't think either of us, I mean, maybe with

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Speaker 1: the high school, maybe with Jaspers age group. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: you'll have to tell me, but I don't think either

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Speaker 1: of us have reached the point where it's like every

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Speaker 1: minute is blocked off and like we're definitely nowhere near

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Speaker 1: that in our family. And it's a good happy medium. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Now it's still there is still a lot of downtime,

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Speaker 1: and I think people don't necessarily see that, but if

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Speaker 1: you map it out, there is. And I think I've

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Speaker 1: even used the example of a one child, Well, Sam

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Speaker 1: had you know, before school, jazz band. One day, he

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Speaker 1: had an activity after school that I picked him up,

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Speaker 1: brought him defencing. He comes home from fencing at like

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Speaker 1: seven point fifteen, and so it's like, oh, he was

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Speaker 1: gone from seven in the morning to seven at night,

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Speaker 1: which is true, but then he still had like, you know,

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Speaker 1: an hour and a half to do because he'd done

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Speaker 1: his homework at school, or had like an hour and

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Speaker 1: a half to play video games before he had to

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Speaker 1: be you know, in his room for the night. And

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Speaker 1: it's just like, okay, yeah, there's still downtime. Like, if

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Speaker 1: you're that on a really busy day, you're still managing

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Speaker 1: ninety minutes of video gaming, I think you're you're probably good.

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Speaker 1: And it's true. I don't think Laura nor I have

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Speaker 1: kids that are like so passionate about any one. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know there are those outlier kids, and we had

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Speaker 1: that expert talk previously. If you have a kid that's

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Speaker 1: incredibly passionate about one specific thing and has so much

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Speaker 1: drive to be elite level in that thing, I think

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Speaker 1: it could get to the point of like all encompassing

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Speaker 1: your schedule. But I think most kids are not in

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Speaker 1: that space. I think that space gets a lot of

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Speaker 1: attention because it's interesting, but it certainly isn't the majority. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: i'd also say that we're not doing you know, the

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Speaker 1: athletic team competitions that take a long time right now.

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Speaker 1: We've also sort of moved away from that to do

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Speaker 1: more kind of sports that are individual and conditioning and

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Speaker 1: things like that, you know, and maybe that'll change in

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Speaker 1: the future of kids get interested in being competitive in

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Speaker 1: particular field. But you know, even for instance, like Jasper's

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Speaker 1: Science Olympiad competitions and Sam's TSA competitions, the kids go

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Speaker 1: with the school team, like, you don't go as the

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Speaker 1: adult like, so you just get them to the school

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Speaker 1: to get on a bus at a certain time and

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Speaker 1: pick them up when they're done. So it's kind of

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Speaker 1: a different experience well, in this episode, we wanted to

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Speaker 1: talk a little bit about sort of managing activities, Not

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Speaker 1: so much the logistics of the schedule, because that's a

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Speaker 1: topic I think we've covered before. And you know, as

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Speaker 1: we said, we'd figure out the driving schedule and you

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Speaker 1: get help with it, carpooling, you know, nanny's and after

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Speaker 1: school sitters, splitting it with your partner, like, there's all

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Speaker 1: sorts of ways to not be going crazy with that,

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Speaker 1: But more the emotional aspects of you know, any sort

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Speaker 1: of activity, which is that you win some and you

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Speaker 1: lose some, and there's always people who are better than you,

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Speaker 1: probably people who are not as good as you too,

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Speaker 1: but it's sometimes harder to see that as well. So

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Speaker 1: Sarah in terms of quitting because sometimes kids You've mentioned

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Speaker 1: that people have started activities and then not enjoyed them

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Speaker 1: so much. What is your thought about ending an activity

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Speaker 1: when you do it, what's an acceptable way to do it,

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Speaker 1: what's a good give it the old college try versus

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Speaker 1: you know it's okay, cut your losses? What do you

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Speaker 1: do in your family? Yeah, so, I mean I've had

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Speaker 1: some challenges with this at times, in particular when kids

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Speaker 1: are in two scenarios a when kids are really really

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Speaker 1: young and if they don't like to do something and

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Speaker 1: they've maybe just tried it, but I've paid for a season.

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Speaker 1: It's like a very frustrating feeling to watch all the

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Speaker 1: other four year old run around the soccer field and

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Speaker 1: your kid is like absolutely not. Like That's happened to

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Speaker 1: me multiple times with multiple different children, and I don't

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Speaker 1: love that. But then I've kind of become accepting of

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Speaker 1: the fact that when a child is that young, like

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Speaker 1: what is the point, Like there's no lesson that they're learning.

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Speaker 1: You probably it's the parent lesson that like that kid

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Speaker 1: wasn't ready for that sport, or you know, this isn't

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Speaker 1: fun for them at that at that age group, I

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Speaker 1: don't necessarily feel and I think I used to feel

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Speaker 1: like teaching sticktuitiveness is really important, and in fact, I

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Speaker 1: think it might backfire. So I've become a little different

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Speaker 1: in my approach when they're super young, although I'm quickly

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Speaker 1: not having super young kids anymore. So that's that's the

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Speaker 1: funny part about that. I guess I'd have to have

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Speaker 1: some more kids to try that out, and that's not

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Speaker 1: happening anyway. So when they're older and old enough to

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Speaker 1: understand the concept of paying for an activity or the

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Speaker 1: length of a season. My general policy is that if

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Speaker 1: you have decided to sign up for set activity, and

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Speaker 1: by the way, like when Annabel did tennis, she wanted

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Speaker 1: to do it, I want to do it. Yes, I

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Speaker 1: want to do it, like I never have put a

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Speaker 1: kid in maybe with the exception of being like, okay,

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Speaker 1: the two girls are in gymnastics at ten am, Cameron,

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Speaker 1: do you want to just do it or sit down

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Speaker 1: there and watch? And I've encouraged him to do it.

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Speaker 1: That's a very specific scenario, but in general, I'm not

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Speaker 1: like pushing anybody into any activity. So if they've chosen

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Speaker 1: to do it, I'm not thrilled if three lessons later

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Speaker 1: they're like, oh, it's hot, this is hard, I hate it.

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Speaker 1: I quit. Like that's a little hard for me to

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Speaker 1: take because it's like, you are old enough to understand

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Speaker 1: that you signed up for something. I have paid money

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Speaker 1: for something, We've committed to something, and I think you

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Speaker 1: could give it, you know, a little bit more of

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Speaker 1: a chance before deciding it's not for you. And generally

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Speaker 1: my thought is either finish the season. If it's a

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Speaker 1: sports team, finish the length of time I've paid for,

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Speaker 1: So sometimes it's month to month, great finish the month,

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Speaker 1: or like a natural cut point for a year long activity.

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Speaker 1: I don't think i'd make a kid do a whole year.

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Speaker 1: I would probably say, like by winter break, if they're

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Speaker 1: not enjoying it, that might be time to stop and

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Speaker 1: pick something else out. So I do discuss this with

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Speaker 1: them now that they're old enough to understand for the

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Speaker 1: most part, when they're signing up for something that this

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Speaker 1: is kind of like what we're expecting them to follow through,

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Speaker 1: and it's become less of an issue. I think, although

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Speaker 1: you know, anything could happen. Yeah, well, we definitely had

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Speaker 1: some resistance with swim lessons and Henry, but that's kind

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Speaker 1: of a life skill and we have a pool, so

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Speaker 1: he's got to learn. I mean, you know, that's a

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Speaker 1: safety issue, which I think he'll be better about it now.

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Speaker 1: Is just more you know, when you're a little and

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Speaker 1: he'd always be he'd be more or less okay once

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Speaker 1: he was in the water for a little bit. But

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Speaker 1: there were definitely some swim lessons, like the parent child

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Speaker 1: to gather swim lessons where he would just like refuse

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Speaker 1: to do anything, just sit there and like yell the

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Speaker 1: whole lesson. That was pretty funny, just that you could

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Speaker 1: yell that long. I guess you can if you're determined

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Speaker 1: to do so. It means there's excellent lung capacity and

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Speaker 1: you just put that into blowing bubbles kid and you'll

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Speaker 1: be great. Yeah. So with team sports, I would definitely

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Speaker 1: say see it through the season. I mean, that's just

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Speaker 1: a matter of supporting your team. I think it often

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Speaker 1: helps for kids with a same thing with adults. Like

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Speaker 1: anytime you have some commitment that you're really like unhappy

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Speaker 1: about if it's time limited, like if it's not you know,

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Speaker 1: something you've signed up for for the rest of your life,

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Speaker 1: telling yourself how much time you still have to go

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Speaker 1: with it can often keep it in perspective. So if

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Speaker 1: the commitment of every soccer game is like two hours

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Speaker 1: and you have five more on the schedule, like this

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Speaker 1: is ten hours total of your life, Like it is

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Speaker 1: not that much time, and it's more that you're making

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Speaker 1: it like this mental thing like every week being you know,

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Speaker 1: hanging over my head. It's like, well, no, just compartmentalize it.

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Speaker 1: Ten hours might be you know, the amount of time

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Speaker 1: since breakfast does the amount of sleep you got last night, like,

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Speaker 1: it's not that much time. And I think, you know,

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Speaker 1: that's an adult helpful tip as well, but it can

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Speaker 1: you help children with it too. As for anything individual

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Speaker 1: in the past, we've often had people go at least

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Speaker 1: like a couple more times just to sort of make

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Speaker 1: sure it's not a spur of the moment thing that like, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 1: this was hard this one class, or you know, maybe

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Speaker 1: one other person who is in it is acting difficult

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Speaker 1: or whatever. You know, it's so try a couple more

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Speaker 1: and if three sessions later you still want to drop it,

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Speaker 1: then I think that would be acceptable. But yeah, you

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Speaker 1: don't have to do things forever. I mean, we've certainly

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Speaker 1: taken breaks from all sorts of sports, and I guess

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Speaker 1: the one thing I would say with music, the problem

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Speaker 1: and it's not fun until you're good, and so you

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Speaker 1: do kind of have to stick with it for a

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Speaker 1: while until I mean, if you're going to do it,

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Speaker 1: it's going to become more fun. The upside of the

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Speaker 1: kids doing you know, the band instruments, though, is that

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Speaker 1: it's social and then you're with a group of people,

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Speaker 1: and so that's kind of a different experience than like

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Speaker 1: sticking it out with piano lessons, which nobody is doing

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Speaker 1: at this moment. We're all in either voice or band instruments,

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Speaker 1: which you can do communally. It's, you know, just a

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Speaker 1: shout out to that idea that maybe give your kid

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Speaker 1: an instrument. Don't forget about that orchestra. Yeah, you don't

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Speaker 1: do much as I love piano, it is more of

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Speaker 1: an individual thing unless and tell your kid is good

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Speaker 1: enough to accompany people, which is going to take a

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Speaker 1: long long time. So maybe seek out something more of

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Speaker 1: an ensemble instrument, to have an extra thing that keeps

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Speaker 1: you with it. What if a kid doesn't want to

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Speaker 1: do anything? This was a question we've gotten from some listeners, right, Sarah, Yes,

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Speaker 1: I think that's actually come across a couple of times,

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Speaker 1: and I haven't run into this, but I worry about this,

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Speaker 1: and I especially worry about it kind of like in

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Speaker 1: the adolescent age group, because I've seen it in patience

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Speaker 1: from like what are you into? And the parent will

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Speaker 1: roll their eyes and be like nothing, like I can't

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Speaker 1: get them do anything. They just want their phone and

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Speaker 1: their friends. It makes me sad sometimes and then I'm like, well,

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Speaker 1: I shouldn't judge. If this kid is happy with their

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Speaker 1: phone and their friends and they have an act of

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Speaker 1: social life, then great. But then sometimes they're not happy,

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Speaker 1: and then it's like, okay, well maybe you'd be happier

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Speaker 1: if you were on the swim team or the orchestra

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Speaker 1: or like what whatever it is. So I haven't run

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Speaker 1: into this. I think I would work really hard to

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Speaker 1: find enticing things for those categories I mentioned. If my

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Speaker 1: kid didn't want to join a sports team, totally fine.

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Speaker 1: Do you want to take yoga classes? We can go together.

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Speaker 1: It will be fun. Do you want to I don't know,

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Speaker 1: like go hike, go on a hiking trip and like

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Speaker 1: walk to like train for said trip, or like do

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Speaker 1: some kind of art class, sculpting class, like something that's

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Speaker 1: a little bit out of the box. Because I hope

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Speaker 1: there would be something that would appeal to said kid,

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Speaker 1: and I guess I would say I'd hope to make

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Speaker 1: it a little bit of a project. But I haven't

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Speaker 1: run into this specifically, and I think it can be

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Speaker 1: really tough, and especially if there are mental health issues

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Speaker 1: that start to creep up. In teams that lead to

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Speaker 1: more like apathy or fear not wanting to do anything

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Speaker 1: than it could be hard to tease out what's actually

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Speaker 1: what they want and what is like underlying struggle. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: well definitely, you know, team sports are not the only

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Speaker 1: way to go, I mean, and we're, like I said,

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Speaker 1: we're not doing many of them right now. The sports

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Speaker 1: that people are doing are often more just that you

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Speaker 1: take lessons and get your own exercise or they're very different.

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Speaker 1: So like ninja classes, right, that's I'm going to do

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Speaker 1: a shout out for that. For children who are not

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Speaker 1: necessarily into basketball or something else with intense hand eye

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Speaker 1: coordination like it, you know, you can use more parts

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Speaker 1: of your body and do cool things. Or climbing that's

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Speaker 1: another one. If you have not been playing with balls

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Speaker 1: since infancy to like master the hand eye coordination and

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Speaker 1: scoring baskets and whatever that kids kind of need to

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Speaker 1: be competitive by even like late elementary school. Climbing is

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Speaker 1: something that most people have not been doing, like almost

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Speaker 1: no children have in an upper body strength, and so

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Speaker 1: you're starting from a more even playing field, and if

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Speaker 1: you happen to be brave enough to do it, then

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Speaker 1: you can go pretty far in it pretty quickly, or

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Speaker 1: just like any sort of physical activity. So yeah, it

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Speaker 1: could be run with mom at the gym. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be anything like that. I generally try to

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Speaker 1: because of that. I think we haven't necessarily run into

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Speaker 1: the idea of kids wanting to do nothing, because it

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Speaker 1: is so broad to say, well, is there anything physical

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Speaker 1: you want to do? Is there anything musical or artistic

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Speaker 1: or anything along those lines that you think might be enjoyable,

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Speaker 1: And it's more about filling the time and having kids

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Speaker 1: have fun and meet friends, and so for that, you know,

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Speaker 1: kid wants to do something like Dungeons and Dragons club

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Speaker 1: or whatever, it is, like that's totally cool. Like it's

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Speaker 1: they're staying after school, they're having fun with friends. And

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Speaker 1: so if there are people who are feeling like, oh,

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Speaker 1: my kid is in an a tame sports like, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be that. I think, you know, have

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Speaker 1: a much much broader perspective on it. They still have

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Speaker 1: the yearbook, you know. There may be I don't I

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Speaker 1: don't know, maybe there must be an event that was

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Speaker 1: specifically when I was growing up that was like I

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Speaker 1: never actually did it, but like I feel like that

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Speaker 1: was like a very social thing that people did, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, what were they actually doing? And it was

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Speaker 1: like an activity? Yeah, yeah, which is largely the point

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Speaker 1: of it as well. Let's take a quick ad break

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Speaker 1: and we'll be right back with more on you win some,

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Speaker 1: you lose some. Well, we are back talking kid activities.

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Speaker 1: You win some, you lose some. How we sort of

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Speaker 1: manage the emotional aspect of activities and what kids want

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Speaker 1: to do. So let's get to the topic of disappointment.

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Speaker 1: So there's various types of disappointment that can come with activities. Sarah,

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Speaker 1: what what have you seen? Okay? So I divide disappointment

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Speaker 1: up into two categories. One is either like not making

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Speaker 1: a team or getting a really small part in a play,

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Speaker 1: and then the other one is being on a team

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Speaker 1: that is terrible. So let's do one at a time.

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Speaker 1: So we have dealt with the not making a team before.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to go into specifics. And here is

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Speaker 1: where like this becomes difficult because I was reading some

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Speaker 1: bloggers who were talking about how, like one wrote in particular,

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to name her here, but about how

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Speaker 1: she was frustrated that like her kids are She said mediocre,

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Speaker 1: but that's not to me what they are the more average.

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Speaker 1: Her kids are average, and it looks to her like

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Speaker 1: everybody else's kids are amazing and they're making State and

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Speaker 1: they're making the Olympics and whatever, and people don't talk

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Speaker 1: about the failures. Not I think for me, it's not

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Speaker 1: because I don't want to talk about failures, Like I'd

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Speaker 1: be happy to talk about my kids failures, but I

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Speaker 1: don't think my kids want me talking about their failures.

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Speaker 1: And so past a certain age, you're just not going

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Speaker 1: to go into specifics about the things that don't work

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Speaker 1: out well. So I wish I could like talk about

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Speaker 1: it more. But here's to say, I've had kids that

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Speaker 1: didn't make various things, and generally it's been taken fairly well.

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Speaker 1: Usually we try to prepa hair kids if they're trying

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Speaker 1: out for something for that possibility, like remember they only

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Speaker 1: keep a select number, and you haven't been practicing this much,

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Speaker 1: or you're one of the younger ones. And then if

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Speaker 1: they don't make it, often we make an offer to

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Speaker 1: help them with skills, and sometimes said children take up

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Speaker 1: on that offer, and other times they absolutely are not

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Speaker 1: open to any criticism but kind of just move on,

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Speaker 1: and so either way, I think that's that's been okay.

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Speaker 1: I do think there's a place for encouraging kids to

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Speaker 1: try things that don't have any cuts, like if they

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Speaker 1: want to do a sport, as we said, individual lessons

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Speaker 1: or like track and cross country are like infamous for

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Speaker 1: just like letting anybody who wants to participate on the team,

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Speaker 1: Like maybe you won't compete in every meet, but you'll

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Speaker 1: get to train with everybody. And in a play, I'm

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Speaker 1: actually really grateful that, like, so the only kid who's

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Speaker 1: done much drama in the family has been Annabelle, but

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Speaker 1: her the teachers have always been like small parts are

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Speaker 1: really really important to the play, Like the ensemble can

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Speaker 1: like make the vibe of the play, and so that's

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Speaker 1: no one has minded getting smaller parts because they still

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Speaker 1: see it as a really important contribution and a really

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Speaker 1: important learning opportunity and it is still really intense and

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Speaker 1: they get to do a lot. So that part's been fine,

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Speaker 1: and I think emphasizing like you know, in a play,

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Speaker 1: there's going to be very few people that have smaller

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Speaker 1: parts and a big support of cast and everybody is

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Speaker 1: learning and everybody's important. So that's been our approach so far.

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Speaker 1: What about you with that type of disappointment. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean we've talked with various kids. I mean that the

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Speaker 1: biggest upside of any activity. I mean again, unless you're

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Speaker 1: going to the Olympics, which let's face it, we're not,

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Speaker 1: nobody is like you know, it's like a couple of people.

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Speaker 1: The biggest upside of any activity is the social group,

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Speaker 1: right that it gives you a group of kids that

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Speaker 1: you are hanging out with in a constructive manner. Every

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Speaker 1: relationship is built on frequency, so the more you are

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00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:48,000
Speaker 1: seeing people, the closer you will be with them, the

429
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,359
Speaker 1: more likely then you have people to sit with at

430
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,359
Speaker 1: lunch and people who want to do play dates on

431
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:56,320
Speaker 1: the weekend and anything else like that. So even if

432
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,560
Speaker 1: you have a small part in the play, you are

433
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,879
Speaker 1: still with the group. You are getting to know the

434
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,400
Speaker 1: other drama kids and hanging out with them and having

435
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,240
Speaker 1: a good time with them. If you are not generally

436
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 1: representing a team in competition, you are still getting to

437
00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:12,200
Speaker 1: hang out with everyone and go spend your time doing

438
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,919
Speaker 1: the events and all that and getting to know the

439
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,200
Speaker 1: people as well. So it's as long as you're focused

440
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,800
Speaker 1: on that as the benefit, then I think it's fine.

441
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 1: I totally agree that parntal constructive suggestions may not be

442
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:29,359
Speaker 1: taken or helpful. So this is years ago, so I

443
00:22:29,359 --> 00:22:32,160
Speaker 1: feel like I can speak about this now because it's

444
00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 1: not a current situation. So many years ago Sam did wrestling,

445
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,679
Speaker 1: and it was when he first started. He was like

446
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:45,760
Speaker 1: in first grade, and he won frequently, like he won

447
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:50,239
Speaker 1: pretty much all his matches because he was a six

448
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 1: year old boy who's like calm and methodical, like he

449
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,080
Speaker 1: didn't get disappointed if he lost, but he so, you know,

450
00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:57,840
Speaker 1: because that he was just very focused on getting through

451
00:22:57,840 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 1: the match, doing what he's supposed to do, and so

452
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,399
Speaker 1: he would win because a lot of little six year

453
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:03,560
Speaker 1: old boys are like bouncing all over the place. They

454
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:07,320
Speaker 1: can't focus for a mat anyway. So he'd went. But

455
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 1: of course, after a year or two, a lot of

456
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,560
Speaker 1: the other kids were in pretty serious wrestling programs, so

457
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,560
Speaker 1: they would be doing wrestling camps, they would be doing

458
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,920
Speaker 1: year round wrestling, they would be have a private coach

459
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,520
Speaker 1: who would like work with them on stuff, and so

460
00:23:19,680 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: I would, you know, it got a lot harder and

461
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:24,640
Speaker 1: he would start to lose, and so I'd ask him,

462
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 1: you know, like, well we could do that, like do

463
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,520
Speaker 1: you want to do here's wrestling camps? Would you like

464
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,120
Speaker 1: to go to these? Like, you know, do you want

465
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,880
Speaker 1: to do these the summer wrestling program, do you want

466
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,720
Speaker 1: to do the you know a coach whatever? And he's like, no, no,

467
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,760
Speaker 1: it's not that he enjoyed losing, but I think he

468
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: just he didn't want to do any of these things

469
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,400
Speaker 1: that I was suggesting either. And so you know, none

470
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:48,000
Speaker 1: of us were all that thrilled about going out to

471
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,240
Speaker 1: meets in rural Pennsylvania at eight am on Saturday, so

472
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:54,560
Speaker 1: that kind of went the wayside. We left it after

473
00:23:54,760 --> 00:24:00,239
Speaker 1: a few years. So you know, it's it may not

474
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,879
Speaker 1: be helpful. I go back to Our Our Guest a

475
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,520
Speaker 1: few episodes ago, a year or tow ago at this point,

476
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:12,480
Speaker 1: but talking about for kids, especially as they get older,

477
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 1: what you as a parent can offer are food, hugs, rides,

478
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:25,280
Speaker 1: and tuition, and really that should be it. And that's challenging.

479
00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:29,000
Speaker 1: Like if you do have expertise in an area that

480
00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 1: it could be relevant and helpful, but often that you

481
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 1: should channel into finding good programs and coaches and such

482
00:24:39,119 --> 00:24:42,479
Speaker 1: who then they are giving more of the feedback and

483
00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:46,479
Speaker 1: advice while you are providing the food, hugs, rides, and tuition.

484
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,760
Speaker 1: So you know, kids are their own people. You have

485
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:54,080
Speaker 1: to deal with that. I almost wonder if if he

486
00:24:54,119 --> 00:24:55,959
Speaker 1: had been a little older and his friends had been

487
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,480
Speaker 1: the one to tell him about the camp and the coaches, like,

488
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,359
Speaker 1: he would have been like, oh, yeah, I'm doing that, mom.

489
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,720
Speaker 1: But because it came from you, like or parents, it's like,

490
00:25:05,359 --> 00:25:07,800
Speaker 1: I don't know, Yeah, our kids they're not always into

491
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:10,600
Speaker 1: our suggestions and that's okay. They're their own people, yes,

492
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 1: exactly their own people. What about a team that loses,

493
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:17,159
Speaker 1: so yeah, this is a this could be rough. Yeah,

494
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:20,120
Speaker 1: and this I don't mind sharing this because I mean

495
00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,680
Speaker 1: to no fault of his own. Cameron was on a

496
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,679
Speaker 1: soccer team that had a wonderful coach. They were fantastic.

497
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:28,880
Speaker 1: This was are like it's called the Optimist League. It's

498
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,919
Speaker 1: fairly I would say, it's fairly serious as things go,

499
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:36,000
Speaker 1: and meaning like they had practices multiple times a week,

500
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 1: games multiple times a week, but you know, everybody makes

501
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:41,199
Speaker 1: the team, and his team just happened to be filled

502
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,439
Speaker 1: with very inexperienced players. It turns out there may be

503
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,920
Speaker 1: a thing where like the veteran coaches kind of pick

504
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:49,719
Speaker 1: the players they know, so it might not have been

505
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,239
Speaker 1: entirely random. And I think this team did like an

506
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,399
Speaker 1: amazing job, but man did they lose. They lost and

507
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 1: lost and lost, and it can get frustrating, I think

508
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 1: for kids. And actually I think the kids took it

509
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 1: better than a few of the parents. There were some

510
00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,480
Speaker 1: parents that got really intense about like ref calls and stuff,

511
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 1: and at one point my husband actually had to gently

512
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:11,880
Speaker 1: like put a message into our group What's up Chat

513
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,199
Speaker 1: that was like, remember, like the kids are doing it

514
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: for fun. We want to teach them good sportsmanship. We

515
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 1: want to teach them to overall respect the ref's calls,

516
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,679
Speaker 1: et cetera, and to really focus on compliment And the

517
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:25,120
Speaker 1: coach did so amazing with this, really complimenting the kids

518
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: on anything that went well during a losing game, like

519
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,320
Speaker 1: oh yeah, who cares we lost, but like we scored

520
00:26:30,359 --> 00:26:33,760
Speaker 1: two goals against this, like tough defense and like this

521
00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,200
Speaker 1: kid got their first goal and you know you block

522
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:41,359
Speaker 1: that shot. So focusing on the little wins, not taking

523
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 1: the outcome of any kid event too. Seriously, Yeah, I

524
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:48,720
Speaker 1: think those are been like nampus and making sure the

525
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,440
Speaker 1: parents can rein it in and remember why we're all

526
00:26:51,480 --> 00:26:55,679
Speaker 1: there have been the big things for us. Yeah, we

527
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,400
Speaker 1: briefly wound up on the other side of that with

528
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 1: a soccer experience that one of my children randomly got on,

529
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,520
Speaker 1: like the really good team that many of the kids

530
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 1: have been playing together for a long time, with a

531
00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:09,719
Speaker 1: set coach that was you know, came in to do it,

532
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: and it was it was just funny because yeah, they

533
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,720
Speaker 1: won every game, which was quite fun for my kid,

534
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 1: but it was probably not so fun if you're on

535
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,240
Speaker 1: the other side of that. There are people who figure

536
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:25,360
Speaker 1: out ways to make youth leagues work for them and

537
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,000
Speaker 1: it's not always random. But yes, good to be, good

538
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:33,760
Speaker 1: to be you know, philosophical about all these things. I

539
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:35,439
Speaker 1: would say one one thing to keep in mind if

540
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:37,520
Speaker 1: your kid is kind of bored with an activity because

541
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:41,119
Speaker 1: it isn't challenging enough, then I think there might be

542
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 1: a as a parent, you can step in and suggest

543
00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,120
Speaker 1: other things, like, you know, would you like to audition

544
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: for this select ensemble? Right if the school band, choir

545
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,119
Speaker 1: orchestra is maybe not quite as up there and we

546
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 1: haven't necessarily had this experience because they're they're pretty good,

547
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:02,040
Speaker 1: but definitely seen this. You know, if it's a music

548
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:05,359
Speaker 1: program that isn't serious at a school, like looking around

549
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,919
Speaker 1: your community for something else that the kid can do,

550
00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:09,840
Speaker 1: as opposed to saying well this is just what it is.

551
00:28:09,920 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 1: You know, they might lose more interest if they aren't

552
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: around peers if they are taking it seriously. So that's

553
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:18,080
Speaker 1: I think that's somewhere that a parent could step in.

554
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:20,560
Speaker 1: That's a little bit beyond the food rides, hug tuition

555
00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:22,760
Speaker 1: saying you know, I'll pay tuition and rides to get

556
00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,639
Speaker 1: you somewhere better if you are willing to do that,

557
00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 1: and I'll help you look into it. So just an

558
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:33,120
Speaker 1: idea there. And yeah, well we already talked a little

559
00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:38,000
Speaker 1: bit about the idea of comparison and competitiveness of kids. Yeah,

560
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,320
Speaker 1: I guess, And just in general, I mean kids have

561
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:46,040
Speaker 1: to navigate their own way in life and anything. School

562
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,480
Speaker 1: activity is all part of this that you're figuring out

563
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 1: how to set a goal, to take the steps toward it.

564
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,560
Speaker 1: And you know, in life there isn't always going to

565
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:03,600
Speaker 1: be a straightforward path, and so having somebody guide you

566
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:08,240
Speaker 1: completely through things is not always helpful. I mean it

567
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:11,160
Speaker 1: may be in the short term in that you are

568
00:29:12,240 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 1: you get the benefit of of somebody who has done

569
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,200
Speaker 1: this before showing you what to do, and that can

570
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:21,680
Speaker 1: be cool in its own way, but as a life skill,

571
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: I mean I think about this all the time. With

572
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,959
Speaker 1: something like writing books as a career, people are like, well,

573
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,240
Speaker 1: what should I do in order to make my career

574
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:32,440
Speaker 1: writing books? I'm like, well, it's not like there's a

575
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 1: you know, do this major in college and then you

576
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,479
Speaker 1: get this job exactly out of college, which you know

577
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,960
Speaker 1: is a set thing you can do, and then you

578
00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,000
Speaker 1: I mean, people don't even get that, Like getting a

579
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,760
Speaker 1: literary agent is its own like sort of lottery lottery

580
00:29:46,800 --> 00:29:49,400
Speaker 1: process more or less, and you know that you have

581
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:52,600
Speaker 1: to figure that out. And I don't know anyway, there

582
00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,240
Speaker 1: is a lot of having to understand what are the steps,

583
00:29:56,320 --> 00:30:00,720
Speaker 1: looking around, talking to other people. And so I think

584
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,560
Speaker 1: the more you let kids direct what they are doing

585
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,760
Speaker 1: and figure out on their own that they want to

586
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 1: improve and how to improve, and then you support whatever

587
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:15,040
Speaker 1: they ask for, that the better you are. So that's

588
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 1: what I've tried to see my role as. So you know,

589
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:20,200
Speaker 1: I've Tuger recently, like Jasper asked to take voice lessons

590
00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:22,960
Speaker 1: and so we went and found him a teacher, and

591
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,800
Speaker 1: now he is doing that, and I think that's really

592
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 1: cool that he, you know, saw that some of the

593
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:31,520
Speaker 1: more skilled singers in his choir were doing that, and

594
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:33,600
Speaker 1: he thought, that's what I want to do in order

595
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 1: to be up there as well. And I had another thought,

596
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 1: which is that what kids actually choose to do out

597
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:42,680
Speaker 1: of the realm of options is so arbitrary. Like I

598
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 1: was just reflecting back on like, you know, I was

599
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:47,000
Speaker 1: playing violin and cheerleading, and I don't do either of

600
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,400
Speaker 1: those things today. Be kind of funny if I did, well,

601
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:54,800
Speaker 1: not the violin part, but cheerleading. And yet, like what

602
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,960
Speaker 1: do you take away from activities? You take away like

603
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: some degree of persistence you take away kind of like

604
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:01,920
Speaker 1: learn how to learn and learning how to practice. You

605
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:03,520
Speaker 1: take away how to be part of a team and

606
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,720
Speaker 1: work with others. And there are like so so many

607
00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:10,440
Speaker 1: different ways you can do those things. Most don't involve

608
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 1: going to the Olympics, as we mentioned, And so probably

609
00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:17,560
Speaker 1: like providing all the options and then leaving well enough

610
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:21,440
Speaker 1: alone is like makes the most sense, because like, what

611
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:24,440
Speaker 1: are you really going to do anyway? Yeah, exactly, probably

612
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:28,720
Speaker 1: not much of it, although I'm still singing, so yeah,

613
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:31,760
Speaker 1: but we wanted to take a brief foray into competition

614
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 1: sort of between children, that sometimes kids can get very competitive,

615
00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:42,360
Speaker 1: both with other kids and their own siblings too, which

616
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 1: is the weird place where you see it the most.

617
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:49,200
Speaker 1: Have you had any experience with kids being like really

618
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:54,040
Speaker 1: competitive in anything, yet? I think it helps that the

619
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:58,080
Speaker 1: age and gender and interests facing of my kids has

620
00:31:58,120 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: not led to a lot of overlap. You asked if

621
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 1: my sister and I were competitive, I would say not terribly,

622
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:07,520
Speaker 1: because we did both play piano, but then I like

623
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,920
Speaker 1: kind of shifted more to violin and singing and my

624
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 1: cheerleading stuff, and like she didn't do any of those things,

625
00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:15,520
Speaker 1: and she got really really good at piano and was

626
00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 1: more artistic. Like we just kind of like found our

627
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:21,480
Speaker 1: own lanes, and I generally see my kids doing that

628
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:25,040
Speaker 1: as well. I definitely have seen some families, like again

629
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 1: looking back at patients, where they're like, oh, they all

630
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 1: play golf, and I'm like that must be hard, Like

631
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: what if one of them's like really good and the

632
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 1: other ones aren't as good? So I guess, I mean,

633
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:39,000
Speaker 1: I think it's helpful if people have not the same

634
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 1: interest in a family, But that's not always something you

635
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 1: can help. Or maybe the younger siblings are really really

636
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:48,480
Speaker 1: inspired by a successful older sibling. So I mean this

637
00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 1: is hard. Yeah, I was doing a little bit of

638
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:53,440
Speaker 1: research on this just to see what was out there.

639
00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:56,720
Speaker 1: I mean the general consense is be very you know,

640
00:32:57,240 --> 00:33:00,440
Speaker 1: a that you want to compliment everyone on how hard

641
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 1: they are working, so understanding that the outcomes may be

642
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:10,520
Speaker 1: different for the same amount of effort put in various things.

643
00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: And so if one child is really struggling to get

644
00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,440
Speaker 1: a good grade in English and the other is acing it,

645
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:22,360
Speaker 1: just to be aware that both may be working very hard,

646
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: and to make sure that you are complimenting all of

647
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:29,960
Speaker 1: their hard work to getting what they are doing. Making

648
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:34,280
Speaker 1: sure that you don't give people labels, so you don't

649
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:36,800
Speaker 1: have one kid who's the athletic one, one who's the

650
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 1: smart one, one who's the artsy one. That's not helpful

651
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:44,200
Speaker 1: because everyone has their own things. So even if you're

652
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,600
Speaker 1: doing it a sense of like, oh, you know, Joe,

653
00:33:46,640 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 1: he's so musical. We always love hear the Joe's you

654
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 1: know in his music, Like maybe Joe then wants to

655
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:53,880
Speaker 1: try fencing or hot climbing, and Joe thinks, well, I

656
00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 1: shouldn't because I'll never be good at it because I'm

657
00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,960
Speaker 1: the musical one and my brother's the artist, the athletic one.

658
00:33:59,040 --> 00:34:03,920
Speaker 1: So be very careful never to label kids like that.

659
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:09,720
Speaker 1: But that also, sibling rivalry isn't the end of the world.

660
00:34:10,239 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: It is preparation for the real world. So even if

661
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:20,719
Speaker 1: as long as it's not incredibly negative and toxic in

662
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,239
Speaker 1: your house, that as long as you are being positive

663
00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:25,239
Speaker 1: and showing that you know there are great things and

664
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: celebrating everyone's wins, there are going to be situations where

665
00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:35,560
Speaker 1: your colleague is better than you at something and you

666
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,640
Speaker 1: are just going to have to deal with that, or

667
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,040
Speaker 1: you've got a sharp elbowed other colleague who wants that

668
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,479
Speaker 1: promotion as much as you do and you are going

669
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:45,040
Speaker 1: to have to Only one of you is going to

670
00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:46,719
Speaker 1: get it, and you're going to have to deal with that.

671
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:50,400
Speaker 1: And so it's not that dissimilar from you as a

672
00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,000
Speaker 1: junior and your sibling as a sophomore both being in

673
00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,840
Speaker 1: that golf tournament and you are competing in the exact

674
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:59,960
Speaker 1: same thing, and so it goes it's kind of a

675
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:03,120
Speaker 1: preparation for life. I just realized my husband and his

676
00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,640
Speaker 1: brother had a ton of overlap, and they were like

677
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:09,360
Speaker 1: just two years apart. Both ran track, both did basketball,

678
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 1: and I think mostly they like inspired each other like

679
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,960
Speaker 1: and they would go for weekend runs together as a

680
00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:17,920
Speaker 1: signed by their cross country coach or whatever. So I

681
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,440
Speaker 1: guess you know that seemed to work out. Okay, they

682
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:24,719
Speaker 1: picked wildly different careers, but they had similar interests and

683
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,920
Speaker 1: were known for similar things in high school, so it

684
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,120
Speaker 1: can work. Yeah, yeah, although I do I think a

685
00:35:30,120 --> 00:35:33,120
Speaker 1: lot of families, kids often do wind up choosing a lane. Like,

686
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:35,239
Speaker 1: even if they are sort of interested in the same

687
00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 1: thing as one of their siblings, they may decide to

688
00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:40,720
Speaker 1: focus on something else just to have their own space,

689
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:43,839
Speaker 1: just because everyone wants to be their own person, even

690
00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:46,120
Speaker 1: if you, as the parent, do not need to label

691
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:48,680
Speaker 1: each person as you know, she's my violinist, she's my

692
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:52,319
Speaker 1: piano player, she's my and so forth. So switching to

693
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:56,680
Speaker 1: the question segment here, I'll direct this one to Sarah

694
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 1: because I think she knows more the one who this

695
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:02,920
Speaker 1: is for a long time listener says that as camp

696
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:07,040
Speaker 1: registrations begin, she is impressed by Sarah's ability to wean

697
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:10,120
Speaker 1: herself off social media. She wants to do the same. However,

698
00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:13,880
Speaker 1: she learns about so many things in her school, her camp,

699
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:17,400
Speaker 1: her community, information and activity for her kids through social media.

700
00:36:17,440 --> 00:36:19,160
Speaker 1: For instance, she would not have known to check the

701
00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 1: camp's web page for information about registration if she hadn't

702
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:25,200
Speaker 1: gotten the prompt on Facebook that like, hey, we're opening

703
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,840
Speaker 1: up for registration like here. If you're following that camp's

704
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,600
Speaker 1: web page, you know, then you go on. So how

705
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:33,839
Speaker 1: do you manage to get the information you need to

706
00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:37,239
Speaker 1: manage kids' schedule and activity is without social media. She

707
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,560
Speaker 1: says she's also found that buy nothing groups have been

708
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:42,200
Speaker 1: a lifesaver for obtaining and getting rid of baby and

709
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:44,440
Speaker 1: kid gear, and she's not sure how she can do

710
00:36:44,480 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 1: that without being on Facebook. Well, I guess my first

711
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,600
Speaker 1: comment would be Facebook has been around since what like

712
00:36:50,640 --> 00:36:52,959
Speaker 1: two thousand and five or so, and people probably found

713
00:36:52,960 --> 00:36:55,160
Speaker 1: other ways before that, so it's not the only way.

714
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,360
Speaker 1: But my main answer is, I do think there's a

715
00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:01,000
Speaker 1: regional component to this, because I found out from somebody

716
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: else that, like, in her community, like every activity has

717
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 1: a Facebook page and that's all they use. And so

718
00:37:05,440 --> 00:37:07,320
Speaker 1: if that's the reality for you, then I think I

719
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,160
Speaker 1: would just have a Facebook account that was just that.

720
00:37:09,480 --> 00:37:11,600
Speaker 1: It would just be like my kids sports page is

721
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 1: period the end, like nothing else, so that would be

722
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 1: what I would do. I haven't had to do that

723
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:19,839
Speaker 1: at all because where I live, people tend to use

724
00:37:19,920 --> 00:37:23,319
Speaker 1: What's Up for almost everything, with the exception of a

725
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: couple things that use an app called stack Team, which

726
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:29,440
Speaker 1: like is random, but like my kid's soccer uses it

727
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,800
Speaker 1: and ballet uses it, so it must be like popular

728
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:35,279
Speaker 1: down here. What's Up I find super easy because I

729
00:37:35,320 --> 00:37:36,960
Speaker 1: don't have it on alert, so I can just look

730
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:39,560
Speaker 1: at it when I want to. And yet you know,

731
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,439
Speaker 1: you get all your soccer information or your kids, all

732
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,759
Speaker 1: our kids classes and stuff like that the school, like

733
00:37:44,840 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 1: everything's there. Every once in a while someone will send

734
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,680
Speaker 1: me something on like the community Facebook page that I

735
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:54,880
Speaker 1: didn't see, but I honestly I've never missed anything like concerning,

736
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:57,080
Speaker 1: and I guess I use word of mouth a lot,

737
00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 1: Like if I'm at a birthday party, I'm like, so,

738
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:00,920
Speaker 1: what's everybody doing for camp? And talk about it and

739
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:03,680
Speaker 1: then we share and I find out that way. And

740
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 1: since I tend to plan ahead for things, I never

741
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,719
Speaker 1: feel like I missed out on something, so I do

742
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,040
Speaker 1: think again, if there's a regional component to this. If

743
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:15,520
Speaker 1: you're somewhere where everything is Facebook, then join Facebook just

744
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:17,640
Speaker 1: for that, and then you're still not really using social

745
00:38:17,680 --> 00:38:19,600
Speaker 1: media if that's the only groups that you are part of,

746
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:24,040
Speaker 1: and if not, then you may have other options like

747
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:27,279
Speaker 1: we have here. Yeah, I would say try to use

748
00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:30,120
Speaker 1: social media in a very limited manner if it's not

749
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:32,160
Speaker 1: going to work, to have it completely out of your life,

750
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 1: because there's a huge gap between checking Facebook two times

751
00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:40,319
Speaker 1: a week to see, you know, what's on your buy

752
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:42,239
Speaker 1: nothing group, or if you're trying to put something out

753
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:43,879
Speaker 1: on the buy nothing group, you may have to check

754
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,279
Speaker 1: it for the next day to make sure that it's

755
00:38:45,280 --> 00:38:47,880
Speaker 1: out the door. But like, you don't then have to

756
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,919
Speaker 1: stay on Facebook for hours every day because you did

757
00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,680
Speaker 1: that right, Like, you can use it for what you

758
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:56,400
Speaker 1: are intending to do with it and then move on

759
00:38:56,760 --> 00:38:58,520
Speaker 1: to the rest of your life. So I don't know,

760
00:38:58,600 --> 00:39:00,640
Speaker 1: set if you are things you want to check in on,

761
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,480
Speaker 1: like set a timer for something like ten to fifteen

762
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:06,359
Speaker 1: minutes and then stop. It's I think where people have

763
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:10,400
Speaker 1: trouble with social media is when it becomes an automatic

764
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,640
Speaker 1: thing that you do with your time, like it's the

765
00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,840
Speaker 1: first place you go when you have time you're in line,

766
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,520
Speaker 1: or time that you know after your kids went to bed,

767
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:19,160
Speaker 1: like what am I doing with myself? And here you

768
00:39:19,200 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 1: are scrolling around on various social media pages. Then it

769
00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:24,440
Speaker 1: can consume a lot of time that you might have

770
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:27,640
Speaker 1: preferred to use for something else. If you have a

771
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: specific reason you are going on it to look at

772
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,640
Speaker 1: something and then to get off, it can be a

773
00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:36,960
Speaker 1: lot less toxic. So I think using it in that way,

774
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 1: in a very limited fashion and seeing if you can

775
00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,360
Speaker 1: do that, Like if you are able to set a

776
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:45,360
Speaker 1: timer for ten minutes three times a week and confine

777
00:39:45,400 --> 00:39:48,680
Speaker 1: all your social media to that, you're good, right, Like,

778
00:39:48,719 --> 00:39:51,600
Speaker 1: that's totally fine. If you find that you cannot do

779
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 1: that and you cannot get yourself away from the soul

780
00:39:54,680 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 1: sucking downside that every time you go to your neighborhood

781
00:39:57,640 --> 00:39:59,640
Speaker 1: buy nothing group, next thing you know, you're looking through

782
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:02,400
Speaker 1: all your old high school classmates and seeing what cars

783
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:05,239
Speaker 1: they're driving or whatever like that, then you may have

784
00:40:05,280 --> 00:40:08,960
Speaker 1: to take more drastic measures and have a yard sale

785
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:12,439
Speaker 1: instead of doing a buy nothing group or something like that.

786
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:14,920
Speaker 1: So Love of the Week, Sarah, what do you have

787
00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:18,880
Speaker 1: this week? Well, it got a race. So I'm trying

788
00:40:18,880 --> 00:40:21,239
Speaker 1: to remember when I sent you. Oh yeah, it was

789
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:26,880
Speaker 1: working in airports, because oh okay, it's like something comes

790
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:28,640
Speaker 1: over me when I get there early and I have

791
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:30,239
Speaker 1: like an hour and there's like nothing else to do,

792
00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:31,359
Speaker 1: and I know I'm going to like read and watch

793
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,920
Speaker 1: TV on the plane, but the airport is like, okay,

794
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,640
Speaker 1: I've Internet for sixty minutes, Like what can I do.

795
00:40:35,680 --> 00:40:37,480
Speaker 1: I'm usually like such a machine and I love it,

796
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:39,080
Speaker 1: and like I like the white noise of the people

797
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:41,080
Speaker 1: all around me. And maybe like usually I've gotten something

798
00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,480
Speaker 1: caffeinated and that helped too. But yeah, I really enjoy

799
00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:47,880
Speaker 1: working in an airport. I find it almost impossible to

800
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:51,440
Speaker 1: work in an airport. I work on the plane. On

801
00:40:51,480 --> 00:40:54,279
Speaker 1: the plane, I am a machine. Like from the time

802
00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:56,319
Speaker 1: I can pull out my computer until the end of

803
00:40:56,360 --> 00:40:59,640
Speaker 1: the flight, I can crank out all sorts of STUF

804
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:02,480
Speaker 1: because they're zero distractions. I mean if I'm by myself,

805
00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:06,560
Speaker 1: I mean with kids, it's a totally different matter. But yeah,

806
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 1: because then I don't usually have the Internet on my computer,

807
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:13,280
Speaker 1: and so I'm writing drafts of stuff or editing things,

808
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:16,000
Speaker 1: and I can get through a lot, you know, in

809
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:18,319
Speaker 1: a short period of time. But when I'm in the

810
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:21,319
Speaker 1: airport itself, it's like they're making announcements, like people are

811
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:26,040
Speaker 1: going past you. Our internet Philadelphia is pretty crappy, and

812
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:29,480
Speaker 1: I try not to get there that early anyway, So it's, uh, yeah,

813
00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,880
Speaker 1: I never find myself able to work in airports. Huh.

814
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:33,960
Speaker 1: I think on the plane, I like it. Really, I'm

815
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:37,120
Speaker 1: either tired or like slightly anxious, so I don't work well.

816
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,440
Speaker 1: So and I think I like back, I thrive on,

817
00:41:39,440 --> 00:41:43,600
Speaker 1: like the background noise. Okay, interesting, interesting, So I guess

818
00:41:43,680 --> 00:41:48,080
Speaker 1: mine's going to be my Stanley. I was influenced, Like,

819
00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:52,200
Speaker 1: speaking of influencer stuff, I was influenced to bias Stanley,

820
00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:54,879
Speaker 1: although actually it was between you know, it was people

821
00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,759
Speaker 1: in my real life who influenced me. So Sarah, I

822
00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:01,239
Speaker 1: have another friend who has a large Stanley. She does

823
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 1: in order to work from home and not have to

824
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:06,640
Speaker 1: leave her office right that to get something to drink.

825
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:08,920
Speaker 1: She is a giant Stanley to get her through the afternoon,

826
00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:12,439
Speaker 1: so no one sees her. But yeah, it's you know, nice,

827
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:16,640
Speaker 1: keeps my water cold. I like the straw. That's the upside.

828
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:18,719
Speaker 1: I think the straw and the cold part makes it

829
00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:22,680
Speaker 1: a more attractive proposition to drink your water. So yeah,

830
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:24,600
Speaker 1: I totally drink more when I have that with me.

831
00:42:24,760 --> 00:42:30,320
Speaker 1: So I'm sure other options would also work. But yes,

832
00:42:30,480 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: there are probably many companies who make insulated thermoces all cups, yeah,

833
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:40,080
Speaker 1: called tall cups with straws, so you can avail yourself

834
00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:42,640
Speaker 1: of any of those. The Stanley itself was totally just

835
00:42:42,920 --> 00:42:44,440
Speaker 1: be part of the cool clubs. If they want to

836
00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:49,000
Speaker 1: sponsor us, we are here that we both drink out

837
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:52,520
Speaker 1: of the Stanley mugs. People, so get on it, get

838
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,800
Speaker 1: on it all right. Well, this has been best of

839
00:42:54,920 --> 00:42:58,080
Speaker 1: both worlds. We've been talking, you win some, you lose some,

840
00:42:58,239 --> 00:43:00,880
Speaker 1: just to look at kids' activities and how to manage

841
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 1: some of the more emotional aspects of it. We will

842
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:05,759
Speaker 1: be back next week with more on making work and

843
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:10,480
Speaker 1: life fit together. Thanks for listening. You can find me

844
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:14,520
Speaker 1: Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at the Underscore

845
00:43:14,600 --> 00:43:18,560
Speaker 1: Shoebox on Instagram, and you can find me Laura at

846
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:21,880
Speaker 1: Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the best of

847
00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:25,640
Speaker 1: both worlds podcasts. Please join us next time for more

848
00:43:25,680 --> 00:43:27,800
Speaker 1: on making work and life work together.