1 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: Welcome to stuff Mom Never Told You from how Stuff 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:14,080 Speaker 1: Works dot Com. Hello, and welcome to the podcast. I'm 3 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,919 Speaker 1: Kristen and I'm Caroline, and today we're asking the question 4 00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:22,080 Speaker 1: how long should you wait to have sex? Not in 5 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:26,239 Speaker 1: terms of your first sexual experience, but in terms of 6 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: meeting someone you know if you it's This is a 7 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:38,600 Speaker 1: very common question, I think, especially in heterosexual dating relationships. 8 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,200 Speaker 1: There's a question of how long do you wait? How 9 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:43,640 Speaker 1: many dates do you wait for, or how many minutes 10 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:51,160 Speaker 1: post handshake do you wait? Because apparently we are very 11 00:00:51,159 --> 00:00:55,240 Speaker 1: concerned that if you don't wait long enough, you will 12 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,880 Speaker 1: be doomed to be single for the rest of your 13 00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: life and be called name yes mean names, We don't. Yeah. 14 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,960 Speaker 1: All the answers to these questions are pretty loaded, depending 15 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,360 Speaker 1: on depending on where people are coming from. Who are 16 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:11,199 Speaker 1: answering it? Yeah, and uh, the reason why we wanted 17 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,520 Speaker 1: to talk about this, and we'll get more in depth 18 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,720 Speaker 1: into this study. But there was some research that came 19 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: out of Cornell University in August that was published in 20 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 1: the Journal of Marriage and Family that said, and well, 21 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:28,959 Speaker 1: this was the headline at least because this was widely circulated. 22 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:33,720 Speaker 1: Not so surprisingly because the Internet loves scientific studies about sex, 23 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 1: and it said that the optimum number of days to 24 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:40,280 Speaker 1: wait was a hundred and eighty two. And then you know, 25 00:01:40,319 --> 00:01:42,800 Speaker 1: I when Christen emailed me that I responded, isn't that 26 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:46,240 Speaker 1: like half of a year? Which so you I mean, 27 00:01:46,319 --> 00:01:48,040 Speaker 1: you probably know then where I'm coming from on this 28 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: if I responded so vehement ley. So um. Even though 29 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:57,960 Speaker 1: we we don't talk in the magazine parlance too often 30 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,840 Speaker 1: in the podcast, I feel like this is one of 31 00:02:01,880 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 1: those opportunities when we do want to consult lady and gentlemen. 32 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:13,240 Speaker 1: Meg's because this is something that comes up so often 33 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 1: in magazines like Marie Claire and Cosmo and Esquire. So 34 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,919 Speaker 1: to kick things off, there was a survey that was 35 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,799 Speaker 1: commissioned by jointly by Esquire and Marie Claire to find 36 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:31,200 Speaker 1: out the differences between how long dudes and girls women, 37 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: men heterosexual wait to have sex. Right. Uh, It turns 38 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: out that the average number of dates before having sex 39 00:02:39,880 --> 00:02:44,320 Speaker 1: is three for men versus five for women. So what's 40 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,760 Speaker 1: happening there? Does does the guy go out on the 41 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: third date and like he leaves the date and hooks 42 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,400 Speaker 1: up with someone and then goes home, whereas the woman 43 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,960 Speaker 1: is waiting, like goes home and waits for two more dates. 44 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,360 Speaker 1: It's funny how these numbers never match up. Well but yeah, 45 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 1: but the whole same thing. It's like a flip flop 46 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:06,120 Speaker 1: though with waiting until marriage because of men, uh, wait 47 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:09,840 Speaker 1: for marriage to have sex versus nine percent of women. Yeah, 48 00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:12,720 Speaker 1: and or at least like men who read Esquire well, 49 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 1: yes and take surveys or men who read Marie Claire 50 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,040 Speaker 1: and here is a big no brainer. Men, according to 51 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,920 Speaker 1: the survey, were more likely to be satisfied after a 52 00:03:21,919 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: one night's stand. That's probably because statistically, men are more 53 00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: likely to reach orgasm after one night stands. There's there 54 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 1: aren't all those societal hang ups about one night stands 55 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:38,040 Speaker 1: and sexual stigmas. Uh. And while men were three times 56 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:42,200 Speaker 1: as likely to be satisfied, women were twice as likely 57 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,680 Speaker 1: to feel regret or shame after a one night's stand. 58 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: And I have a feeling that it might have something 59 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:53,680 Speaker 1: to do with this constant pondering of how long should 60 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,400 Speaker 1: you wait and what it says about you if you 61 00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: wait a certain amount of time? Right, Because you know, 62 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: there's the whole thing about out the ice cream truck 63 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 1: given away samples, cow's milk, et cetera. So let's get 64 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: into some research beyond just magazine surveys. There was a 65 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,799 Speaker 1: B y U study that came out in two thousand 66 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 1: ten that got a lot of coverage as well. Yeah, 67 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: because they basically said, you're not going to be happy 68 00:04:23,279 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: unless you wait wait for marriage. Um. They they said 69 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: that if sex happens too early, it quote overwhelms good 70 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,760 Speaker 1: decision making and keeps couples in a relationship that might 71 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,720 Speaker 1: not be the best for them in the long run. 72 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,280 Speaker 1: So they looked at more than two thousand people in 73 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: their first marriages. Average age was about thirty six, and 74 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: they categorized these people as having early sex in the relationship, 75 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,320 Speaker 1: late sex so waiting a while, or having no sex 76 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 1: until marriage. And just you know, I know this is 77 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,400 Speaker 1: a b y U study, but they did have a 78 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: wide range of religious affiliations that they were looking at 79 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:58,280 Speaker 1: with these people. They found out in the study this 80 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:00,080 Speaker 1: you know, a lot of self reporting and what that. 81 00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,760 Speaker 1: But they found out that the relationships fared better the 82 00:05:02,839 --> 00:05:06,239 Speaker 1: longer people waited, with those sleeping together before a month 83 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,000 Speaker 1: showing the worst outcomes, and those who waited until marriage 84 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,840 Speaker 1: reporting better. Relationship stability and satisfaction, and better sexual quality 85 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:18,839 Speaker 1: and communication. What do you think about that? Well, I 86 00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: think there are some some good points in there, such as, uh, 87 00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:28,520 Speaker 1: giving a relationship some time to develop trust with people, 88 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: especially if you're uh the sample population or or exclusively 89 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:40,120 Speaker 1: married couples. So probably when they were looking back, these 90 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:43,839 Speaker 1: people might have been more relationship minded to begin with, 91 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: and they probably wanted to develop some emotional rapport before 92 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:54,520 Speaker 1: jumping into the sack. Um. But it's still there's still 93 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: this issue of correlation versus causation that I feel like 94 00:05:59,279 --> 00:06:03,479 Speaker 1: a lot of the rest on delaying sex seems to 95 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 1: just skip over. For instance, this was something pointed out 96 00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,360 Speaker 1: in the Economists when they were reporting on this study, 97 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,640 Speaker 1: and they said that researchers don't know why people who 98 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:16,839 Speaker 1: waited have better relationship. Maybe it's the sexual delay. Maybe 99 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:20,200 Speaker 1: it's the sort of people who want to wait are 100 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: somehow better relationship building. Maybe they have like higher emotional 101 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:27,880 Speaker 1: intelligence than people who, you know, just wait a few 102 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,480 Speaker 1: minutes until their hand shape. Um. And also, I mean, 103 00:06:31,640 --> 00:06:35,720 Speaker 1: I feel like this is telling to live. Science reported 104 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,200 Speaker 1: on the study as well, and they were interviewing one 105 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,839 Speaker 1: of the lead of searchers, and he talked about how 106 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: almost of the couples are essentially sexual. I don't know 107 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,200 Speaker 1: what essentially sexual means, but you know, I'll let listeners 108 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 1: just fill in those blanks. They said were essentially sexual 109 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: within the first or second time they went out. But quote, 110 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,160 Speaker 1: we suspect that if you ask these same couples at 111 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 1: this early stage of a relationship, do you trust this 112 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,480 Speaker 1: person to watch your pet for a weekend? Many could 113 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,840 Speaker 1: not answer this in the affirmative, meaning that they are 114 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: more comfortable letting people into their bodies than they are 115 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:16,200 Speaker 1: with them watching their cat. Okay, I take issue with 116 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 1: this quote because to me, this points out a potential 117 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: methodological flaw in this study because clearly and here I 118 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:30,760 Speaker 1: am making assumptions that the psychologists was making assumptions about 119 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:36,000 Speaker 1: how people should architect their relationships. Now, I totally see 120 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 1: where you're coming from that quote through me. Also, and 121 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: you know cats, you don't never have anybody come over 122 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,160 Speaker 1: to watch cats you anyway. Yeah, And also, it's not 123 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,400 Speaker 1: a question on the first or second date whether or 124 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,600 Speaker 1: not someone you trust someone to come over and watch 125 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,240 Speaker 1: your pets. It's more things like do you trust someone 126 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,600 Speaker 1: to sexually disclose that they have an STD or something 127 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 1: like that, or do you trust a person to wear 128 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,560 Speaker 1: a condom if you ask them to? These are the 129 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,480 Speaker 1: kinds of questions. Why are we talking about pets? Cares 130 00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 1: about pets? Yeah, I don't even have pets. I have 131 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 1: plants that I really should water more. Um. But so 132 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:14,880 Speaker 1: moving on to a different study, Christen references Cornell University 133 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,200 Speaker 1: study back all the way in August of this year. 134 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,400 Speaker 1: It said, okay, well yeah, sure, maybe wait a little, 135 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: but the issue is more about cohabitation, which I thought 136 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,400 Speaker 1: was interesting. They reviewed data from six hundred married and 137 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:32,280 Speaker 1: cohabitating couples and found that rapid sexual involvement, which sounds exciting, 138 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,440 Speaker 1: but it's just you know, getting getting sexually involved quickly, 139 00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:42,240 Speaker 1: along with cohabitation, affects the long term relationship quality. And 140 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,959 Speaker 1: they found that couples who do move rapidly into sexual relationships, 141 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,560 Speaker 1: more than a third of them reported having sex within 142 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 1: one month of starting the relationships. So this is sort 143 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:54,640 Speaker 1: of this is their their audiences, is who they're looking at. 144 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,120 Speaker 1: They found that women and men definitely had a different 145 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 1: view of what it means to get in evolved sexually 146 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:05,480 Speaker 1: with someone quickly. Yeah, but with this sample population, UH, 147 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:11,559 Speaker 1: women tended to view an early entry into sexual relationships 148 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:16,880 Speaker 1: as being negatively associated with marital quality UM and the 149 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:21,640 Speaker 1: researchers also thought from this that perhaps women see early 150 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:25,760 Speaker 1: sexual activity as having a greater symbolic value as to 151 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:31,000 Speaker 1: the relationship commitment. You start doing it, this means you're 152 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,800 Speaker 1: for real disease in a bigger way. Whereas for the men, 153 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:39,200 Speaker 1: the speed of entry into sect the sexual relationship was 154 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:46,599 Speaker 1: completely unrelated to their perception of overall relationship and marital quality. 155 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,640 Speaker 1: And again, I think that that might have something to 156 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 1: do with this constant question of this timeline that we 157 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,520 Speaker 1: are supposed to follow, although no one knows what the 158 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:01,960 Speaker 1: timeline is UM. But I think it's worth talking about 159 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:07,120 Speaker 1: this Cornell study because there are all these nuances within 160 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:11,840 Speaker 1: it in terms of how these couples all had children together, 161 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,400 Speaker 1: they were all living together. The bottom line of the 162 00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:21,079 Speaker 1: relationship highlighted living together more so than jumping into bed together, 163 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: you know, in the first month. But the headlines and 164 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: the reporting that came out on it all said, hey, everybody, 165 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: just wait a hundred and eighty two days. Women, you 166 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,599 Speaker 1: will hate yourself if you don't wait a hundred and 167 00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:36,440 Speaker 1: eighty two days to sleep with him, and he's gonna 168 00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,920 Speaker 1: not want to stick around. You better put that sex 169 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,920 Speaker 1: calendar up on your wall. Check off exactly a hundred 170 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:44,320 Speaker 1: and eighty two days. Maybe we should start, you know, 171 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:48,319 Speaker 1: selling two day sex calendar and then have a ribbon 172 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,079 Speaker 1: that you can cut, oh at the end of it 173 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: and confetti. Yeah, or maybe it looks like a a 174 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 1: thong string. But I like, I like this discussion that 175 00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:02,120 Speaker 1: the study is having about cohabitation because they say that 176 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: it's cohabitation that drives the association between relationship quality and 177 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,719 Speaker 1: relationship tempo. They did point to early sexual activity as 178 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: being linked to subsequent cohabitation and less satisfying marriages. Kind 179 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 1: of the idea that if you have sex really fast 180 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 1: and maybe in in because they said that in a 181 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,120 Speaker 1: woman's mind that's sort of an indicator of relationship commitment 182 00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:29,640 Speaker 1: and all this stuff. So if you have sex early on, 183 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 1: you feel like you have this foundation of commitment and 184 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,200 Speaker 1: then well, well let's just move in together. Well wait 185 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: a second though, back up, because also we've got to 186 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 1: remember the child care aspect of this. Indeed, maybe this 187 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,640 Speaker 1: was something that Amanda has pointed out over on slate, 188 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: maybe there should have been more of an examination into 189 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: birth control practices because perhaps the reason why they're moving 190 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:55,000 Speaker 1: in together is because, uh, they were practicing sex in 191 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,400 Speaker 1: some way that would have allowed a pregnancy to happen, 192 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,600 Speaker 1: and now there's a baby, and so now they have 193 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:02,040 Speaker 1: to move together. Yeah. Yeah, so they're looking at how 194 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 1: this early cohabitation, you know, people start feeling trapped and 195 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,880 Speaker 1: then they're not as satisfied in their either relationship or 196 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:11,040 Speaker 1: their marriage that happens later. So there's a lot of 197 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 1: moving parts. Yeah, And I will say that there was 198 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,560 Speaker 1: an interview with Sharon Sassler, who was the lead author 199 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:21,120 Speaker 1: of the study, which was called the Tempo of Sexual 200 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,880 Speaker 1: Activity and Later Relationship Quality, which I like to call 201 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,319 Speaker 1: out just because I like the idea of the tempo 202 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,560 Speaker 1: of sexual activity, like there's a metronome. She brought up 203 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:34,119 Speaker 1: a good point though, in an interview about this research, 204 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,000 Speaker 1: saying that, um, they wanted to look into whether quote, 205 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:43,280 Speaker 1: sexual dependencies had replaced emotional compatibility. And I think that 206 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 1: that's that's a good way to to maybe think about 207 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:52,120 Speaker 1: this whole waiting game that so often comes up. It's 208 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: not so much a timeline thing. Perhaps but thinking about 209 00:12:55,280 --> 00:13:00,679 Speaker 1: sexual dependency versus emotional compatibility. But more on that later 210 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:05,760 Speaker 1: because at long last, in August of two thousand ten, 211 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:10,520 Speaker 1: actually before obviously, this Cornell study came out, UH University 212 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: of Iowa study found that guess what, early sex does 213 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 1: not doom relationships. Hey hey again, take your tape falling down? Um? Yeah, 214 00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:29,160 Speaker 1: they found it. While relationship quality might be higher for 215 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,360 Speaker 1: people who waited until things were serious rather than those 216 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,320 Speaker 1: people who hooked up, the sex itself, they say, is 217 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:37,280 Speaker 1: not to blame for the disparity. And this goes back 218 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,280 Speaker 1: to something that Kristen touched on earlier about maybe it's 219 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:44,240 Speaker 1: just your personality type. Like if people who just are 220 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,959 Speaker 1: not wanting a relationship or maybe are not good at 221 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:51,559 Speaker 1: serious relationships, maybe these are the people who are hooking up. 222 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,880 Speaker 1: So if you get somebody together, to get two people together, 223 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 1: one who's just in for the hookup and one who 224 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: actually is pursuing a serious relationship, well that's doomed to 225 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 1: fail no matter when those two people have sex. So 226 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,439 Speaker 1: it's it's they're saying, it's more maybe just about your 227 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:08,760 Speaker 1: personal drive when you want to have sex, whether you 228 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:13,960 Speaker 1: want a relationship. So sociologist Anthony Pike, who was the 229 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:18,720 Speaker 1: researcher with that University of Iowa study, said, Okay, so 230 00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:23,360 Speaker 1: our findings indicate that it's not so much this sex 231 00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: issue that we are constantly getting hung up on, but 232 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,640 Speaker 1: more something to do with people and the actual relationships 233 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:37,200 Speaker 1: between people. So he suggested that what was affecting relationship quality, 234 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 1: at least according to their data, was that unmarried couples 235 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 1: in those with children had lower relationship quality, and couples 236 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: with positive ties to each other's relatives had higher relationship quality. 237 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,720 Speaker 1: But again, i mean, there's so many correlation causation issues 238 00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,560 Speaker 1: still even in that, because when you boil it down 239 00:14:55,600 --> 00:15:01,160 Speaker 1: to individual relationships, um, you know, I'm sure that you 240 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,960 Speaker 1: can slice it and dice it so many different ways. 241 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: I mean, I'm sure the couples with children are just 242 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:11,000 Speaker 1: very tired. Sure, there's like their parents listening or not 243 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:14,760 Speaker 1: was shaking their fists at their iPod. But it was 244 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:23,760 Speaker 1: still refreshing to see some empirical acknowledgement that hey, maybe 245 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,720 Speaker 1: we should think not so much about the length of time, 246 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: but rather what people not just guys, because let's not 247 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:35,200 Speaker 1: let's not do minutis service and say every straight guy 248 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:39,600 Speaker 1: just wants to have sex with anyone at any point 249 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: and does not care about waiting at all. I think 250 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,320 Speaker 1: that that's a reductionists as much as it is that 251 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,960 Speaker 1: every woman wants to play the game according to the 252 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 1: book the Rules and wait like eight years or something 253 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:56,280 Speaker 1: because we're terrified and insecure and and scared that if 254 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,480 Speaker 1: we have sex then no one's really gonna like us 255 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,720 Speaker 1: at the end of a day. And um, I don't know, 256 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: I mean, I feel like to this whole the fear 257 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,320 Speaker 1: of I mean because also, let me just say this, 258 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,000 Speaker 1: if you want to wait to have sex or just 259 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,560 Speaker 1: not have sex at all, that's completely fine. The problem 260 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:19,760 Speaker 1: is constantly putting the onus, particularly on women. And this 261 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:23,080 Speaker 1: does focus particularly on heterosexual women. There were no studies 262 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:28,640 Speaker 1: that we found looking into any gay populations whatsoever. Um, 263 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:35,560 Speaker 1: and always it was this fear of too soon sex relationships, 264 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 1: reminding me of how especially for women, it's that whole 265 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:44,680 Speaker 1: fear of say, having too many sexual partners, like does 266 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,080 Speaker 1: my body look okay? It's all of these all these 267 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 1: hang ups that are I feel like I keeps saying 268 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:53,080 Speaker 1: hang ups, Um, but there's so much wrapped up in 269 00:16:53,120 --> 00:16:58,360 Speaker 1: this question exactly. Yeah, what what You're worried that society 270 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: will think about you, what the man will say about you, Like, oh, 271 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,880 Speaker 1: I feel pressured to have sex because you know, he's 272 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:05,439 Speaker 1: a man. He wants me to have sex with him, 273 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 1: but then the whole life will But then if I 274 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,360 Speaker 1: do have sex with him, he won't actually like me. Well, 275 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,560 Speaker 1: and then on the opposite sides, on either side of 276 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,400 Speaker 1: that spectrum, you have, well, hey, what if I would 277 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,440 Speaker 1: like to have sex and I just want to have sex, okay, 278 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:24,200 Speaker 1: then you are deemed a loose woman. Uh. And then 279 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,960 Speaker 1: if you don't want to have sex at all, and 280 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:29,800 Speaker 1: you are a virgin, and you're an adult virgin, then 281 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,560 Speaker 1: they're all the things that come with that too. Of people, 282 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:38,040 Speaker 1: you know, the people saying that maybe you're too prudish man. 283 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,960 Speaker 1: Maybe it is a hundred and eighty two days. I 284 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: don't know if if there, if they it would be 285 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 1: simpler if there was some kind of magic number. And no, 286 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,959 Speaker 1: I'm not saying eighty two days is it, but for 287 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:51,960 Speaker 1: some people it might be. I mean, I think that's 288 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,159 Speaker 1: the moral of the story is Yeah, it could be. 289 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:57,960 Speaker 1: I mean, I I personally think with my personal relationships 290 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:01,359 Speaker 1: that waiting a little it. And you know what, again, 291 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: I don't know what that time frame is, but waiting 292 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:05,719 Speaker 1: a little bit to the point where you feel like 293 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,159 Speaker 1: you're comfortable with the person. And this is I'm talking 294 00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:14,119 Speaker 1: about relationship stuff, relationshippinus, not like just hooking up or whatever, 295 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,320 Speaker 1: Like that's a totally different game. I'm talking about Like 296 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:18,600 Speaker 1: I'm talking about like, when I feel like I've met 297 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,920 Speaker 1: someone that I really want to have a relationship with, 298 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,760 Speaker 1: I think it's better to wait however long you feel 299 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,600 Speaker 1: as appropriate to learn about the person, trust the person, 300 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:32,840 Speaker 1: whether it's to watch your cats or not. Um, just 301 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:35,080 Speaker 1: feel like, okay, well yeah I wanna you know, I 302 00:18:35,359 --> 00:18:37,080 Speaker 1: feel like I know this person and have a foundation 303 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:41,520 Speaker 1: because in my experience, you know, dumb things can happen 304 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 1: when you build a relationship just on the sex foundation 305 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 1: and not on the knowing the person foundation. Right, Because 306 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:53,359 Speaker 1: like Saster was talking about that sexual dependency versus emotional compatibility, 307 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:59,120 Speaker 1: and you know what I'm going to I'm gonna theorize 308 00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: without any like data in front of my face to 309 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:06,159 Speaker 1: back this up. I would say that finding the emotional 310 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,200 Speaker 1: compatibility is much harder to find than some kind of 311 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: sexual compatibility or sexual dependency. So if you are a 312 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:19,480 Speaker 1: relationship minded then yeah, you don't want to confuse the 313 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:21,879 Speaker 1: two and you don't want to set yourself up with 314 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:27,520 Speaker 1: unrealistic expectations. But it also is not helping us that 315 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:33,320 Speaker 1: the magazines that a lot of women are reading and 316 00:19:33,359 --> 00:19:39,359 Speaker 1: that is dispensed on the internet to younger, single straight 317 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 1: people is just keeping us in this tail spin. Yeah. 318 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,919 Speaker 1: And it's framing it in as sort of a respect 319 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,160 Speaker 1: a self respect will he respect you kind of issue? Yeah, 320 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:55,119 Speaker 1: And it's all about and the onus again, it is 321 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,840 Speaker 1: all on the woman. Yeah. So this is from Cosmo, 322 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: as everybody knows, my favorite magazine. So, um Cosme. I 323 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,960 Speaker 1: talked to relationship expert Ryan C. Browning. I don't know 324 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,720 Speaker 1: what that means, um, but the decision here was you 325 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,040 Speaker 1: should wait because quote, once you give up the goods, 326 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,440 Speaker 1: you lose the upper hand in the dating power dynamics. 327 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:20,840 Speaker 1: So if you have sex too soon, he's not under 328 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:27,560 Speaker 1: your spell anymore. Oh man, Well that's too bad, because 329 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 1: you know what I want is a relationship that is 330 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:35,360 Speaker 1: based completely on power. Uh yeah. He Browning also goes 331 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,920 Speaker 1: on to say that you know what, sex also creates 332 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 1: a false sense of intimacy, so you crave commitment, you 333 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,800 Speaker 1: dumb women. Yeah, but that's also hey, you know what, 334 00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:50,400 Speaker 1: let's not strip away intimacy from sex either. That's another 335 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:54,680 Speaker 1: form of moralizing, saying that there's nothing good that can 336 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:59,920 Speaker 1: come from a sexual relationship as well. Um and Browning 337 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:03,679 Speaker 1: also wants you to say no because men loves a 338 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:05,640 Speaker 1: challenge and if you do, the sex will be better 339 00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,480 Speaker 1: and you'll trust your feelings more because early sex can 340 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,439 Speaker 1: make you overlook red flags. Now, yes, does all of 341 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:17,040 Speaker 1: that oxytocin released in your brain promote feelings of bonding 342 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,960 Speaker 1: with someone who maybe if you haven't known them that long, 343 00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:24,960 Speaker 1: like maybe you are building bridges to nowhere? Sure, that 344 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,440 Speaker 1: can happen, but it's also let's let's keep in mind 345 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,680 Speaker 1: self awareness that can happen. But moving on from Cosmo, 346 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:36,560 Speaker 1: let's go to Marie Claire Our things over there. Well, 347 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,080 Speaker 1: this this fantastic sex and the single guy call him 348 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,359 Speaker 1: also tells people to wait, but he he frames it 349 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: in more of like a guys need to stop pressuring 350 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,879 Speaker 1: girls into sex kind of thing. Yeah, women, it was 351 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:51,800 Speaker 1: it was like, women stop spoiling men with sex when 352 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,520 Speaker 1: they want it. I really love because we should train 353 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,520 Speaker 1: them like dogs. Yeah, because he was saying, okay, so, 354 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,879 Speaker 1: why why are these guys pressuring girls and to have 355 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,920 Speaker 1: sex early on in the relationship, and he cites things 356 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 1: like their upbringing maybe they never learned to treat women 357 00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:09,440 Speaker 1: with respect. Side note to pick on my roommate. My roommate, 358 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,920 Speaker 1: who is a dude, does think it's important to wait 359 00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:16,679 Speaker 1: if he's getting into a relationship. And he cited his 360 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,480 Speaker 1: deeply ingrained respect for women that he learned from his mama. 361 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,119 Speaker 1: That's nice. So but yeah, so anyway, moving on, Okay, 362 00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:27,320 Speaker 1: so he also talks about, like, you know, other women 363 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,520 Speaker 1: being spoiled by other women, like Kristen said, like, possibly 364 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: the dude who's pressuring you to have sex has been 365 00:22:32,359 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 1: quote unquote rewarded by other women giving into his pressure. Yeah, 366 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:40,240 Speaker 1: I mean and I and I I'm not going to 367 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:45,800 Speaker 1: say that those kinds of cultural influences in certain circles 368 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,879 Speaker 1: don't exist. But also here's something sex and a single 369 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,399 Speaker 1: guy call um writer at Marie Claire like, maybe he 370 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,760 Speaker 1: doesn't want a relationship. It could be as simple as that. 371 00:22:56,119 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: Also as simple for a female who does not want 372 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,040 Speaker 1: a relationship, or I should say woman. Sometimes people get 373 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 1: annoyed and I say female instead of woman and now 374 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:12,399 Speaker 1: heading over to the New Yorker of the online x 375 00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:17,000 Speaker 1: y sites ask men dot com. Uh, they break it 376 00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 1: down like this. Basically, they offer a handy guide for 377 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,159 Speaker 1: guys out there who want to determine whether or not 378 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,920 Speaker 1: women are worth keeping around based on how long she 379 00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:34,119 Speaker 1: waits to um to have sexual intercourse and guess what. Okay, 380 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,880 Speaker 1: listen up, gals and guys. If she waits six months, 381 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 1: about that hundred and eighty two days, ask men says, 382 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:44,879 Speaker 1: you'll think it's amazing because you're desperate. She's a keeper 383 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,399 Speaker 1: because she's rational and doesn't jump into things. Do we 384 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,119 Speaker 1: do we even need to follow that up with a 385 00:23:52,119 --> 00:23:54,800 Speaker 1: witty equip I don't think so. But let's just jump 386 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:58,560 Speaker 1: down to a first night fling questions to ask yourself, man, 387 00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,040 Speaker 1: does she do this all the time? Or is it 388 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:05,479 Speaker 1: that women are becoming more aggressive? I want to break 389 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:09,720 Speaker 1: the ballpoint pen that I'm holding in my hand again. 390 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,440 Speaker 1: Let me reiterate to everyone out there, wait, as long 391 00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:17,240 Speaker 1: as you want to have sex, don't have sex at all. 392 00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:23,280 Speaker 1: Have sex the first time you meet someone safely. But wow, 393 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,800 Speaker 1: that kind of advice, it's doing a disservice to all 394 00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:32,960 Speaker 1: of us because it's creating false continually creating false expectations 395 00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:39,600 Speaker 1: and ignoring um any like kind of healthy relationship psychology. 396 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,119 Speaker 1: But since we've been, uh, you know, kind of giving 397 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: these magazines a hard time, I will say Glamour dot 398 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 1: com offered a decently nuanced perspective on the question. This 399 00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,720 Speaker 1: was in their Smitten blog from two thousand and eight, 400 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,639 Speaker 1: and and the writer talks about, how, uh, in the past, 401 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: I've usually been the super slow girl in college. I 402 00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,880 Speaker 1: waited four months with my sophomore year boyfriend and then 403 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:12,320 Speaker 1: two months with my senior year boyfriend. And then she says, 404 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:14,399 Speaker 1: by the time I met my current boyfriend, I was 405 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:19,160 Speaker 1: twenty eight. And here's the part where I was like, hey, 406 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,840 Speaker 1: all right, here we go. I was twenty eight and 407 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:25,920 Speaker 1: more confident, comfortable, and head over heels form we slept 408 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:28,760 Speaker 1: together on the third date. All right, But that I 409 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,920 Speaker 1: think that point where she's talking about she was more 410 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,439 Speaker 1: confident and comfortable. She knew herself, she knew what she wanted, 411 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,320 Speaker 1: and the time that she waited, whether it was the 412 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:41,000 Speaker 1: third date or the fourth month, the hundred and eighty 413 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:46,400 Speaker 1: second day, it would not probably matter because she knew 414 00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:50,640 Speaker 1: herself well enough to to throw all of this ridiculous 415 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:53,840 Speaker 1: advice out the window. Yeah, I mean that's exactly what 416 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:58,879 Speaker 1: we're saying, Like, whatever feels appropriate for you and the 417 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: person that you're with. I mean, you know yourself, are 418 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,399 Speaker 1: you do you want to get to know this person? 419 00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,840 Speaker 1: Do you feel already comfortable with this person? Does it 420 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,960 Speaker 1: not matter? You know? Like you were, you were a woman, 421 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: you're a grown up. You can make this choice for yourself, 422 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:16,880 Speaker 1: and you're a man too. Again, It's like, I think 423 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,440 Speaker 1: it's I think it's wrong too to assume that the 424 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:25,440 Speaker 1: guys are just light years, you know, away from where 425 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:30,040 Speaker 1: we stand on this issue. And also too, Hey, guess 426 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: what if you meet somebody and they're pressuring you and 427 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:38,640 Speaker 1: not respecting things like consent and sexual safety and all 428 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:44,280 Speaker 1: of that, get out, Just get out and leave find 429 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:49,120 Speaker 1: somebody better. Okay, I think I think we've answered this question. 430 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,680 Speaker 1: How long should you wait to have sex? Caroline? As 431 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,960 Speaker 1: long as you feel is appropriate for you and your partner. 432 00:26:56,480 --> 00:27:00,840 Speaker 1: There you go, and don't let society shame you otherwise 433 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,200 Speaker 1: for waiting too long, for not waiting long enough. I'm 434 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,400 Speaker 1: gonna say arbitrary question. As long as you got yourself 435 00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: in check, your relationship in check, and safety in check, 436 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 1: there we go. I'm not gonna judge you, Caroline, Are 437 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,000 Speaker 1: you going to judge them? No? Good, I don't know. 438 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:24,399 Speaker 1: It's no judgment zone here, tiny closet sized studio. So 439 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: I am very curious to here what people have to 440 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:32,840 Speaker 1: say about this. And again also uh from not in 441 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:37,200 Speaker 1: a sexual listeners out there too, like why I mean, 442 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,639 Speaker 1: is this just something that that straight people are totally 443 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,320 Speaker 1: hung up on that is like not so much of 444 00:27:43,400 --> 00:27:47,080 Speaker 1: an issue in gay communities or have researchers just once 445 00:27:47,119 --> 00:27:52,320 Speaker 1: again overlooked entire populations of sexually active people. Very curious 446 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:54,879 Speaker 1: to hear people's thoughts on this, on waiting, let us 447 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:56,879 Speaker 1: know what you think. Are we being too lais a 448 00:27:57,000 --> 00:28:01,119 Speaker 1: fair about the whole thing? Um? Let us know all 449 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,440 Speaker 1: of your thoughts. Mom Stuff at Discovery dot com is 450 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:04,840 Speaker 1: where you can send them, and of course you can 451 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,160 Speaker 1: head over to our Facebook page and leave a comment 452 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:12,040 Speaker 1: there or tweet us at Mom's Stuff podcast. But before 453 00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:15,399 Speaker 1: we jump into a listener mail, we have a quick 454 00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:20,399 Speaker 1: word on behalf of our friends at Netflix who helped 455 00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:25,160 Speaker 1: make this podcast possible, so you know today we talked 456 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:28,560 Speaker 1: about this whole issue of how long should you wait? 457 00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:31,160 Speaker 1: Should you wait? Does it matter? What difference does it make? 458 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:33,119 Speaker 1: How do you feel? Who have you slept with? Yeah? What? 459 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:38,360 Speaker 1: What's what's your deal? Well, so I think to help 460 00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:40,760 Speaker 1: you put your issues in perspective, you can head over 461 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,840 Speaker 1: to Netflix dot com because they were so kind to 462 00:28:43,880 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: bring us today's episode of Sminty and try watching Chasing Amy, 463 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: which shows what can happen when you might get a 464 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:56,240 Speaker 1: little judge with someone's sexual past. But you're in luck 465 00:28:56,320 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: because not only should you head over to Netflix dot com, 466 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,600 Speaker 1: but as a new member and a Sminty listener, you 467 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,480 Speaker 1: can get a free thirty day trial membership. Just go 468 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,720 Speaker 1: to Netflix dot com slash mom, which is our very 469 00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 1: special you are l and sign up and be sure 470 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,320 Speaker 1: to use that you are L so that they know 471 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:16,200 Speaker 1: that Kristen and I sent you over there. The thirty 472 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:18,400 Speaker 1: day free trial won't be around forever, though, so you 473 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,560 Speaker 1: need to head over to Netflix dot com slash mom 474 00:29:21,600 --> 00:29:24,560 Speaker 1: as soon as possible to sign up today. And of course, 475 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:28,640 Speaker 1: these movie titles are subject availability, so check out their 476 00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:32,560 Speaker 1: selection when you get over there. Now back to Listener mail, 477 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,560 Speaker 1: we have a couple of letters here on our episode 478 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:41,640 Speaker 1: about why are breasts different sizes, particularly like in like 479 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,360 Speaker 1: individual breasts on our body, one bigger than the other 480 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:46,920 Speaker 1: or smaller than the other. Howe however you want to 481 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:50,760 Speaker 1: look at it. So I've got an email here from Adam, 482 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,680 Speaker 1: who I'm gonna go ahead and say is one of 483 00:29:52,680 --> 00:29:56,000 Speaker 1: our superstar listeners because he is traveling around the world 484 00:29:56,200 --> 00:29:59,880 Speaker 1: and listens to our podcast. Sent us some woolen hat 485 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: that are colorful and very warm on her heads, and um, 486 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:08,000 Speaker 1: he checks in with us from time to time, and 487 00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,080 Speaker 1: he checked in with us about this podcast, and he said, 488 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:14,120 Speaker 1: I listened to your podcast on a day when I 489 00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:19,160 Speaker 1: found a guanabanna sour sop. Guanabana is the type of fruit. 490 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,320 Speaker 1: It's shaped like a heart. My left breast is bigger 491 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,840 Speaker 1: than my right, and it has been ever since puberty. 492 00:30:25,200 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: Others say it's not very noticeable, but when I have 493 00:30:27,440 --> 00:30:29,959 Speaker 1: seen myself in the mirror in a picture, it seems 494 00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: like a colossal imperfection to me. Over the years, I've 495 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:37,560 Speaker 1: gotten more and more comfortable with my body. The heart 496 00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:41,360 Speaker 1: shaped fruit I mentioned above is interesting because it raises 497 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:45,320 Speaker 1: a question of whether imperfections sometimes cover up our superpower 498 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:49,960 Speaker 1: in my case, a big heart. Thanks for the great 499 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:53,960 Speaker 1: podcast as always, and thank you Adam, and safe travels 500 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:58,040 Speaker 1: to you. And this here email is from Nicole. She said, 501 00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,160 Speaker 1: I'm twenty four years old and grew up is you 502 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,800 Speaker 1: did in a world without the internet and clever podcast 503 00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:05,880 Speaker 1: that spilled the beans on all those apparently untouchable topics 504 00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:08,920 Speaker 1: of girlhood. I wish I had heard the term hypertrophy 505 00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:12,480 Speaker 1: before twenty minutes ago. Alas when I hit grade eight 506 00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: and my right breast practically exploded overnight, it was not 507 00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,240 Speaker 1: a good scene For about a year. My family kept 508 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,959 Speaker 1: it under wraps literally for a span. But when I 509 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,600 Speaker 1: stayed an age appropriate A on my left and then 510 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,880 Speaker 1: balloon to a B, then C, and eventually a double 511 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:30,600 Speaker 1: D on my right, we made some formal inquiries. Early 512 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,680 Speaker 1: into grade nine, I was granted an insurance covered single 513 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 1: sided breast reduction because my spine was actually being pulled 514 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: out of line from the imbalance calling causing a load 515 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,520 Speaker 1: of back problems. I don't remember what story I told 516 00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,080 Speaker 1: my friends, but it wasn't the truth. For a long 517 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: time before the surgery, however, we found a miracle band 518 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,840 Speaker 1: aid fix I called them out plants. You briefly mentioned 519 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,880 Speaker 1: these special inserts in your podcast, but I thought I 520 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:56,520 Speaker 1: would take a few minutes to tell you about these 521 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,920 Speaker 1: suckers firsthand. There are two main kinds. The first is 522 00:32:00,040 --> 00:32:04,000 Speaker 1: the soft skin like Nipolis silicone breastpiece, weighted and textured 523 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,239 Speaker 1: like a real boob. This one is for daily use 524 00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:09,840 Speaker 1: and slips discreetly into a specialty braw a voila, a 525 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,880 Speaker 1: nice even rack. But there is no but there is 526 00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:15,560 Speaker 1: a no water clause, and so the second outplant becomes 527 00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,400 Speaker 1: important and much firmer, much more rubbery triangle of treated 528 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,080 Speaker 1: silicone for swimming. It looked and felt less natural, so 529 00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:24,880 Speaker 1: it was tempting to cheat and use the other one. 530 00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 1: But maybe the technology on boobs has developed in the 531 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,880 Speaker 1: last ten years. They were a godsend to my awkward 532 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,959 Speaker 1: and sadly ashamed younger self, and I know that similar 533 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,240 Speaker 1: products are used daily now by women who have undergone 534 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:41,280 Speaker 1: breast surgery for a different reason, namely mystectomy. So there 535 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,520 Speaker 1: you have it, she says, tales from the Underwire. So 536 00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:47,400 Speaker 1: thank you, Nicole. I'm that's a good story, and thanks 537 00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:50,280 Speaker 1: to everyone who has sent us their stories. Mom stuff 538 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:52,800 Speaker 1: at Discovery dot com is where you can send your letters, 539 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: and you can tweet us at mom Stuff Podcast and 540 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:58,200 Speaker 1: find us on Facebook as well, and you can check 541 00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,040 Speaker 1: out our tumbler log It's stuff Mom Never Told You 542 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:05,840 Speaker 1: dot tumbler dot com. And if you'd like to get 543 00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:07,640 Speaker 1: smarter during the week, you should head over to our 544 00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:13,760 Speaker 1: website it's how stuff works dot com for more on 545 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: this and thousands of other topics. Does it how stuff 546 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 1: works dot com.