1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:21,560 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to stuff I've never told you. I 2 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,480 Speaker 1: am Annie, and I have joined once again by Samantha, who, 3 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 1: unfortunately I surprised with my intro. I can't said, I 4 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: don't know why that made me laugh. There's a moment 5 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,840 Speaker 1: of you looking up like you were trying to remember 6 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: your name. I actually have a history of I won't 7 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,839 Speaker 1: say forgetting my name, but because I have an oddly 8 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: spelled name, UM, a lot of people look at me 9 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,240 Speaker 1: and I've been asked more than once are you sure? 10 00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: And so I had a period of my life, particularly 11 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:54,560 Speaker 1: in high school, where a teacher came up to me 12 00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:56,680 Speaker 1: and he put my tests in in front of me 13 00:00:56,720 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: and he said, Annie, I think you misspelled your name name. 14 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:04,560 Speaker 1: And I had a moment of complete panic Samantha, because 15 00:01:04,959 --> 00:01:08,400 Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, what if he's right. 16 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:11,959 Speaker 1: All of my life I've been saying my name wrong, 17 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,720 Speaker 1: but I've said it that's a thing. It is, And 18 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,399 Speaker 1: I've said on this show before, well I don't know 19 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: if that's a thing, but the self doubt certainly is. 20 00:01:20,959 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: And I said on this show before that I hate 21 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 1: the way I say my name because I feel like 22 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:29,520 Speaker 1: I say it with a question like I'm annie question, 23 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,280 Speaker 1: are we sure? Because I'm so used to get in 24 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: questioned about it. That's not what this episode is about. 25 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,800 Speaker 1: But I do think it could be an episode. I 26 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 1: think we should because I have a hard time pronouncing 27 00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 1: my own name, and I wonder if it's because I 28 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,680 Speaker 1: learned Korean first and or I'm just really bad with words. 29 00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:50,160 Speaker 1: But this is why this podcast is really fun, because 30 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 1: words are difficult for me. Fun with pronunciation. I don't 31 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: do well with the well, I'm glad you're here, uh, 32 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,320 Speaker 1: glass of the you are joining us again today, and 33 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: are our many series to distract all the things yes 34 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:11,079 Speaker 1: keep going, particularly me um looking at trauma and the 35 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,400 Speaker 1: age of me too. And we have a bit of 36 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,960 Speaker 1: a lighter episode today because when we were kind of 37 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:18,880 Speaker 1: arcing out our episodes, we knew that they were going 38 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:21,840 Speaker 1: to be difficult for us and for you, and we 39 00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:26,280 Speaker 1: wanted to have some things that we're a little bit lighter. Um. 40 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:30,280 Speaker 1: I will say that, of course I took it down 41 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 1: a dark path. I mean not to when your mindset is, 42 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:38,440 Speaker 1: oh my goodness, all these things are bad, and when 43 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: it comes to sex, there's definitely a dark side and 44 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,720 Speaker 1: a light side. Is that the word. Yeah, I feel 45 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 1: like you're in a Star Wars movie right now, and 46 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,080 Speaker 1: I don't know what those are because she doesn't. She 47 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:59,800 Speaker 1: hasn't seen them. Um, But for this our our lighter 48 00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: at eisode, UM, we're going to be talking about sex 49 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,200 Speaker 1: and society and women and how they all interact. And 50 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:13,119 Speaker 1: it's kind of a first part two. We're gonna look 51 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 1: at dating and I'm going to count on you a lot, because, 52 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:20,040 Speaker 1: as I've said before, I don't really date. Um, but Samantha, 53 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:22,639 Speaker 1: you have a lot of stories. I have stories. Um, 54 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say we might be in trouble for those 55 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:29,240 Speaker 1: episodes because I'm awful at dating honestly, may not be 56 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:34,000 Speaker 1: trouble as much as more entertaining indoor my downfall, which 57 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:40,680 Speaker 1: is also entertaining. But hey, low expectations expect Go ahead 58 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: and assume that I have some weird dates and my 59 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 1: interaction as a social person is really awkward. Just yeah, 60 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,080 Speaker 1: I love it. Yes, I don't love it as much 61 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,200 Speaker 1: as oh my gosh, I did that. They're fun stories 62 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:59,040 Speaker 1: to share. We'll say there there could be some enjoyment 63 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,800 Speaker 1: from your I mean honestly, that's like, um, one of 64 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 1: the ways that you can meet people that you have 65 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,400 Speaker 1: that commonality of this date was bad? While was your 66 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,440 Speaker 1: date bad? Or really let me see let me tell 67 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,440 Speaker 1: you about my story. Yes, and I have plenty of 68 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,640 Speaker 1: bad dating stories as well. You're not alone. I just 69 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 1: like more accidental in mine. Um, you do go onto 70 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,520 Speaker 1: accidental accidental dates A super weird all the time. I 71 00:04:23,520 --> 00:04:29,479 Speaker 1: don't mean to hints accidental. Yeah, but um, I can't 72 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 1: wait to talk about that. And if any of you 73 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:34,840 Speaker 1: listeners have fun stories or embarrassing stories, any stories you're 74 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,600 Speaker 1: willing to share about your dating experiences, and these are 75 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:41,320 Speaker 1: modern times, please send them our way. We might include them. 76 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:44,880 Speaker 1: We want to be normal, so therefore we would love 77 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,080 Speaker 1: weird interactions to make us feel normal. Yeah, please please 78 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 1: help us feel normal. Um. Some trigger warnings before we 79 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:58,440 Speaker 1: dive in. We're gonna be talking about date rape culture, UM, 80 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:02,960 Speaker 1: definition and differentiate between rape and date rape, acquaintance, rape, 81 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:07,719 Speaker 1: rape inside of marriage, body image expectation, and women's sexuality. 82 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:11,320 Speaker 1: Am I a sloot because I like sex? We're gonna 83 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: investigate that whole question, sex, toys, and the value of virginity. 84 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 1: So if any of those are triggering for you, as always, 85 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:26,480 Speaker 1: please take care of your own mental health before listening. 86 00:05:27,720 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: And we are creating a culture that perpetuates everything we're 87 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,600 Speaker 1: talking about, like how we mentioned grooming on a national scale. 88 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,880 Speaker 1: So that's why it turned into a much bigger thing 89 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: than the light episode we were planning, um again when 90 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 1: it comes to sex, especially right now in this day 91 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,840 Speaker 1: and age, as we try to redefine women's rights, redefine 92 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,320 Speaker 1: the role of women. And I say that because of 93 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 1: the administration and the atwards take we have on the 94 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:05,560 Speaker 1: laws that have been created from way back when such 95 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: as well, I won't get all of that, but I 96 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: think people understand what we're doing. And it seems like 97 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:16,919 Speaker 1: feminism has having to defend itself once again. Defend herself. 98 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:23,960 Speaker 1: We're gonna put it as a person, it's it's an entity, 99 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: um once again and what does that look like on 100 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,919 Speaker 1: a national scale? And unfortunately, right now we have to 101 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,680 Speaker 1: again redefine what assault looks like, what abuse looks like, 102 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,800 Speaker 1: what um, grape looks like. And then we shouldn't have to, 103 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,320 Speaker 1: but yet the people in charge are having to make 104 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,800 Speaker 1: us do. So I feel like, right, and this is 105 00:06:46,279 --> 00:06:52,560 Speaker 1: we're talking both culturally but also legally in this case, Yeah, 106 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:58,799 Speaker 1: I mean, it's wild to me that after Kavanaugh was confirmed, 107 00:06:58,839 --> 00:07:00,280 Speaker 1: how many friends of mine were like, I try to 108 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:03,040 Speaker 1: go get any right. Honestly, that was the first thing 109 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,640 Speaker 1: I was like, we and I've had several friends, but 110 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: we're gonna go ahead and get a new one before 111 00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,200 Speaker 1: the law changes and we can't get birth control for 112 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: a reasonable price or for preventative purposes. Yeah, right, yeah, 113 00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:21,520 Speaker 1: And that's another thing of UM, I've told you I 114 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:24,320 Speaker 1: have been too afraid to go because I had such 115 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:28,160 Speaker 1: a bad experience and I need um, Like a lot 116 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 1: of friends of mine have gone and they got prescribed 117 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:34,120 Speaker 1: like pain pills, and I need that because I had 118 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: like a panic attack last time I went. It was 119 00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:40,280 Speaker 1: incredibly painful. Um. And you're not the only one I know. UM. 120 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:45,360 Speaker 1: There's many conversations just in conversations with Caroline from the 121 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 1: previous stuff I've never told you host as well as 122 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:52,440 Speaker 1: now unladylike she and I had a very vast difference 123 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,280 Speaker 1: in experience when it came to our I U d S. 124 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 1: I literally went in. She barely gave me anything. My 125 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 1: UM kind of college which was like you'll be fine, 126 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,960 Speaker 1: and I was, And then I went running and as 127 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: where Caroline has told her experience of seeing colors and 128 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,400 Speaker 1: things are like, what is happening with you? Right? And 129 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 1: that's not to negate that the people experience that, but 130 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,160 Speaker 1: it's just the fact that there is a differentiation between 131 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 1: one and the other, and how actually it can be 132 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,520 Speaker 1: traumatizing as well because it is kind of an invasive 133 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,040 Speaker 1: process even though it's simple process. Oh yeah, I've talked 134 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:29,520 Speaker 1: about that before on a different episode. How the first 135 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,240 Speaker 1: time I went to a gynecologist he told me I 136 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 1: was pregnant and it scarred me for life. Oh my gosh, 137 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,840 Speaker 1: I can now say with certainty life and it's just 138 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,120 Speaker 1: a bad cheap pregnancy test. Um. But you know what, 139 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:45,319 Speaker 1: when it comes to sexuality, I think the reason this 140 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: again we're talking a little deeper than what we had 141 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,760 Speaker 1: intended because we when we you and I discussed it, it 142 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:54,079 Speaker 1: it was a lot of funny anecdotes about our sexuality 143 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,559 Speaker 1: or our sex life and or life thereof um. But 144 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,960 Speaker 1: now we're starting to not start do it's always been 145 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:06,520 Speaker 1: a thing where women's sexualization is almost used against them, Yes, 146 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,200 Speaker 1: and that since that's something that's come up and our 147 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:14,439 Speaker 1: previous episodes we've done around trauma, let's talk about sexualization. 148 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:19,600 Speaker 1: The American Psychological Association the APIA specifies four things that 149 00:09:19,679 --> 00:09:24,520 Speaker 1: separate sexualization from healthy sexuality. One, a person's value comes 150 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:27,440 Speaker 1: only from his or her appeal or behavior, to the 151 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:31,680 Speaker 1: exclusion of other characteristics. Two, a person is held to 152 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,680 Speaker 1: a standard that equates physical attractiveness, which is narrowly defined 153 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 1: with being sexy. Three, a person is made into a 154 00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: thing for others sexual use, rather than seen as a 155 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,760 Speaker 1: person with the capacity for independent action and decision making, 156 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:51,280 Speaker 1: and or for sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person. 157 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:57,640 Speaker 1: This is especially relevant when children are imbued with adult sexuality. Yes, 158 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:02,480 Speaker 1: and the images we see in media matter. They really do, 159 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,160 Speaker 1: especially when we're talking about kids outside of school and sleep. 160 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:10,400 Speaker 1: Children spend the most time interacting with entertainment media as 161 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,200 Speaker 1: opposed to other things that they do in their life. 162 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:18,360 Speaker 1: Sexualization and media can be revealing clothing facial expression that 163 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:21,520 Speaker 1: conveys sexual readiness. So if you think about pretty much 164 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:24,320 Speaker 1: any ad that has a what I would call a 165 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:28,120 Speaker 1: sexy woman in it, she has this face. You'll recognize 166 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,679 Speaker 1: it when you see it. Objectification is being presented as 167 00:10:31,679 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 1: an object. This is pretty common in advertising, seeing just 168 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,720 Speaker 1: a body part and there's a whole website dedicated to 169 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 1: rounding up all the quote headless women that we see. 170 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: And I'm telling you you won't be able to unsee 171 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,440 Speaker 1: that once you like start looking. It's everywhere. I don't 172 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,280 Speaker 1: want to. I don't want to see that at all, 173 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,040 Speaker 1: because I was already traumatized by some of the commercials 174 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,360 Speaker 1: that try to make hamburgers sexy. Do you remember parties 175 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,880 Speaker 1: you're talking about? Who Trump trying to put that in 176 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:05,719 Speaker 1: charge of Yeah, that's right. No, Yeah, that was scarring enough. 177 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 1: I'm like, why we already know this woman doesn't eat 178 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:13,199 Speaker 1: this hamwriter, she has paid a nutritionist to make sure 179 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,520 Speaker 1: she can stay thin, and that's great for her, that's 180 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,120 Speaker 1: what she wants. While I I mean, and then also 181 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:23,240 Speaker 1: we can talk about this whole actual, say social media 182 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: thing that occurred between Natalie Portman Jessica Simpson. I'm assuming 183 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:29,800 Speaker 1: you don't know, I know, but the whole Natalie Portman 184 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:31,439 Speaker 1: came out and talked about how when she was a 185 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,520 Speaker 1: child actress, she would look at all the images and 186 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 1: feel like she had to be sexualized, and she put 187 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:40,199 Speaker 1: Jessica Simpson's commercial, which I believe wasn't she one of 188 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: the ones a the hammer. Maybe I think she was 189 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,840 Speaker 1: she was and was so sexualized that she was really 190 00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,520 Speaker 1: she said she was really confused on what she was 191 00:11:48,559 --> 00:11:52,360 Speaker 1: supposed to be, which then Jessica Simpson was really upset, 192 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,960 Speaker 1: feeling like she was being called out for sexualizing something 193 00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:00,520 Speaker 1: as a child. But the whole misinterpretation was that Natalie 194 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,319 Speaker 1: Portman was confused and she was giving an example, but 195 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:06,160 Speaker 1: why she was confused as where trying to figure out 196 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:10,680 Speaker 1: between being sexualized objectively and or having your own sexuality, 197 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: which is what Jessica Simpson felt like she was doing. 198 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 1: So it's kind of this whole like then middle line 199 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 1: in this conversation what it is sexual be to be 200 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:24,000 Speaker 1: sexualized and to be sexual yea, as we were talking about. 201 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,640 Speaker 1: And then that's kind of the same thing when I 202 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:30,080 Speaker 1: talk about social media. Children have more access to porn 203 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,160 Speaker 1: on the Internet, which has now begun this whole early 204 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,800 Speaker 1: sexualization for children, and so because they have no context 205 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,680 Speaker 1: of what this porn is trying to portray, they see 206 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,800 Speaker 1: that as true sex. So when you have a conversation 207 00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: with many of teens, many kids, and I say teens, 208 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 1: you will see this misconception continue on whether it's the 209 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: whole Oh, she's saying no, but she means yes. She's 210 00:12:53,679 --> 00:12:56,000 Speaker 1: wearing sexy clothes, she's coming on to me. That means 211 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,400 Speaker 1: I can have sex with our all of these things, 212 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:02,640 Speaker 1: and both female and mil youth that I've worked with 213 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:07,160 Speaker 1: as a social worker because of what they see on pornography, 214 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 1: really are so confused about consent. They're so confused about 215 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,720 Speaker 1: the right timing. And then they also have these urges 216 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,760 Speaker 1: because of what they see, all of these sexy images 217 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,160 Speaker 1: that they don't know how to control it, and neither 218 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:25,600 Speaker 1: do they know consent and therefore move forward in violating 219 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,679 Speaker 1: other people without understanding what it is. And like you said, yeah, 220 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,800 Speaker 1: women and girls engage with a lot of media that 221 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:37,240 Speaker 1: sexualizes women. Um, and people that do engage and more 222 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,199 Speaker 1: of that stuff are more likely to ascribe a woman's 223 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:44,640 Speaker 1: value primarily to their physical appearance. And I thought of 224 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:48,840 Speaker 1: things like beauty pageants, Tardler's and tiers like Tarler's in tiers. 225 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 1: Think about that, right, I mean, if you look at 226 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:55,319 Speaker 1: most of the reality shows, if you're a child who's 227 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,280 Speaker 1: watching housewives of blah blah blah, not that they're not entertaining. 228 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: I do find them in entertaining at times, but it 229 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:03,959 Speaker 1: does have this whole persona of you need to look 230 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: a certain way, you need to compete with other women, 231 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:11,760 Speaker 1: data data DA yes, and then toys and clothing that 232 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,360 Speaker 1: these are big factors in this conversation as well, things 233 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:18,920 Speaker 1: like brats, the Brats dolls and monster high dolls that 234 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:23,080 Speaker 1: have copies, makeup, high heels, may skirts, small waist, big boobs, 235 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,400 Speaker 1: which yes, you could get in discussions like we have 236 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:28,640 Speaker 1: around dress code. I think that's been my biggest like 237 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 1: personal wrestling with this because I'm someone that does like 238 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,560 Speaker 1: to dress sexy on occasion and it's my own like 239 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:39,440 Speaker 1: healthy sexuality, but I worry about how children are perceiving 240 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: it because and it's not on me, but it's on 241 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:49,080 Speaker 1: this culture that has made my own healthy sexuality is 242 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:53,080 Speaker 1: being taken as something that is working off of like 243 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:56,120 Speaker 1: sexualization and the male gaze, you know what I mean, right, 244 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,840 Speaker 1: And that's part of again the problem being sexualized and 245 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,480 Speaker 1: being sexual And i'd, like you said at the very beginning, 246 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:06,080 Speaker 1: because I too have that moment of like, hey, I 247 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,440 Speaker 1: have lingerie, I like to wear it every now again, 248 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 1: it's not for him, it's for me, right, And that's 249 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,520 Speaker 1: when I say him I'm gonna put a quote becau 250 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:18,720 Speaker 1: isn't really for me to make myself feel better? And 251 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:20,640 Speaker 1: then at the same time, yeah, you have this whole 252 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:24,120 Speaker 1: persona that to be sexy, you need to look sexy 253 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:26,640 Speaker 1: for your man or your partner, and that's the only 254 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,560 Speaker 1: way you're valued is by taking on this claim that yes, 255 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,920 Speaker 1: I'm sexual, but I'm doing this for you as well. Right, 256 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:38,240 Speaker 1: the dichotomy of trying to be your own person and 257 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: liking yourself. But do you buy into this industry that 258 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:44,920 Speaker 1: spends so much of their time to get money from 259 00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 1: women because they work on their insecurities, which is another 260 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:54,359 Speaker 1: episode Oh my goodness. But it does relate to magazines 261 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,920 Speaker 1: and as study in two thousand and eight found that 262 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 1: across fifty eight magazines, over fifty of the ads featuring 263 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:05,440 Speaker 1: a woman in them portrayed the woman as a sexual object. However, 264 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:09,520 Speaker 1: when looking at specifically men's magazines, that number rose to 265 00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:15,160 Speaker 1: seventy six percent, which is pretty high, really high. Do 266 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,520 Speaker 1: you think it's for the lonely men to appreciate this 267 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 1: woman more so than for women to actually buy these things? No, 268 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,400 Speaker 1: maybe I'm trying to think of um, you know all 269 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:31,760 Speaker 1: I'm thinking of our old stereotypes about young boys hiding 270 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:36,320 Speaker 1: playboy definitely. I mean, and then some sitcoms you see 271 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 1: them taking Victoria's Secret magazine. Oh sure, you know what 272 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,400 Speaker 1: I'm saying. Sure, yeah, Well, by the way, there's a 273 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,880 Speaker 1: lot of photoshopping in there. Let's just put that out there. 274 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,320 Speaker 1: Sam's no to the episode. There is photoshopping involved. No 275 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,800 Speaker 1: one's perfect. In two thousand and six, the APA looked 276 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,000 Speaker 1: at the sexualization of our society and here were their 277 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:02,040 Speaker 1: key takeaways. Women and girls are more likely to be 278 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,800 Speaker 1: sexualized and objectified by our media than boys are men, 279 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 1: which I would guess is no surprise to anyone listening, 280 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,720 Speaker 1: but anyone can be sexualized. Boys are more likely to 281 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: internalize images of men being aggressive, dominant, and powerful, which 282 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,480 Speaker 1: is a compliment to sexualization when it comes to rape culture, right. 283 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 1: I mean, you kind of talked about it when we 284 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,439 Speaker 1: were talking about last uh, the last episode when you 285 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,720 Speaker 1: were bruised up, and they're like, oh, you like it rough. 286 00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:30,680 Speaker 1: This is kind of that same mentality because I've definitely 287 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,000 Speaker 1: been approached online and we're going to talk more about 288 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:37,199 Speaker 1: it about me being dominated. That is definitely a comment. 289 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 1: I'm like, what I just said, Hi, translate to I 290 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:44,639 Speaker 1: want to be dominated, Like, yeah, exactly, that's exactly it. 291 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:50,040 Speaker 1: We're teaching women like through these ads, oh, you are 292 00:17:50,119 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: objects to be used for pleasure and hey, men, the aggressive, possessive, dominant. 293 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,520 Speaker 1: If you want to be a real man and show 294 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:01,840 Speaker 1: good sexuality, you have to dominate your partner. And like 295 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,840 Speaker 1: we talked about in our episode around Terry Crews, this 296 00:18:04,920 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 1: is very damaging when it comes to men reporting sexual assault. 297 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:10,960 Speaker 1: And honestly, we could also talk about the many incidents 298 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:14,520 Speaker 1: of boys and their female teachers and or someone who 299 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,440 Speaker 1: is female that have power over another and until recently, 300 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,000 Speaker 1: it wasn't perceived as abuse and it's very underreported, even 301 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,080 Speaker 1: to the fact. One of my favorite shows, Dirty Rock, 302 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,000 Speaker 1: I appreciate it. I think it's fantastic. I think it's funny, 303 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,400 Speaker 1: but they use plot plotline where one of the main 304 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,000 Speaker 1: characters was abused as a kid by his teacher and 305 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:38,920 Speaker 1: now has a formulated relationship. And I understand that was 306 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,879 Speaker 1: supposed to be ironic, but at the same time it 307 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,240 Speaker 1: perpetuates that whole idea is that's not a big deal, 308 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,240 Speaker 1: but it should be because there's a lot of manipulation 309 00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:52,720 Speaker 1: that could be involved and or a lot of um 310 00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,480 Speaker 1: psychological trauma that we don't understand from boys because they're 311 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,600 Speaker 1: also supposed to pretend like they like it even if 312 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,680 Speaker 1: they don't, and if they don't, and if they tell, 313 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 1: then they're weak and they're not being they're not paying 314 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,840 Speaker 1: avenge of the situation, which is absurd, right because in 315 00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,760 Speaker 1: our society, men always want to have sex, yeah, which 316 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,000 Speaker 1: is unfortunate and bad. And every time I hear a 317 00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,520 Speaker 1: person grief joke, I get very angry. This whole thing 318 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:28,080 Speaker 1: sexualization and seeing this objectified version in our media leads 319 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:32,280 Speaker 1: to greater feelings of shame and anxiety about one's looks, 320 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,880 Speaker 1: increased negative mental health outcomes among teen girls. And if 321 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,080 Speaker 1: we look at girls and young women between ten to 322 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,480 Speaker 1: nineteen years over a fifty year period, rates of anorexia 323 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:47,480 Speaker 1: nervosa mirrored fashion and body image ideals. So it does 324 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:54,119 Speaker 1: impact physically mentally how we are taking care of ourselves 325 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,000 Speaker 1: are not taking care of ourselves. And if we focus 326 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: in on self esteem, the of Self Esteem Project found 327 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,960 Speaker 1: that only eleven percent of girls would call themselves beautiful, 328 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,800 Speaker 1: and concerns about their looks was enough for six out 329 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: of ten girls to avoid a fundamental life activity of 330 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:15,800 Speaker 1: ten year old girls in the US are afraid of 331 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:20,479 Speaker 1: being fat, right, I mean, I definitely understand that. I 332 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:23,359 Speaker 1: feel like I've missed out on a lot of childhood 333 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: teenage things because I feel like I was too fat 334 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,919 Speaker 1: in college activities. Even because I felt like I was 335 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,399 Speaker 1: too fat, I didn't like the way on my body looked, 336 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: and therefore I had to cover everything. I isolated myself 337 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,639 Speaker 1: and or over compensated by joking about my own body 338 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: and or race in or something that was obvious to 339 00:20:40,359 --> 00:20:43,640 Speaker 1: try to negate and try to push away from them 340 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,320 Speaker 1: hearing someone else making fun of me. Right, yeah, me too. 341 00:20:47,359 --> 00:20:52,000 Speaker 1: And I wore clothing that was huge, like hide my body. 342 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,920 Speaker 1: I did not wear jeans or pants for literally four 343 00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:00,560 Speaker 1: years really because I was associated with my body. Yeah, um, 344 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,880 Speaker 1: what is that special? Is it the comedy special? Nan? 345 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,520 Speaker 1: I don't know. I have to go back and research it. 346 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:12,720 Speaker 1: But she was. She's a comedian who refused to who 347 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 1: refused to do her special because the majority of the 348 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:21,080 Speaker 1: time she was a lesbian with you know, bigger body, 349 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,200 Speaker 1: and so her jokes were always about her body and 350 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:27,600 Speaker 1: or her sexuality, and it was so self deprecating that 351 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 1: it became damaging, and finally in this episode, she was like, 352 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,639 Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done with comedy. This is suppose you 353 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,000 Speaker 1: think you're here for a comedic comedic stand, but you're not. 354 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:39,880 Speaker 1: This is not what it is. I'm done making fun 355 00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,639 Speaker 1: of myself and putting myself down for entertainment of others. 356 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,919 Speaker 1: Embody image to level set is the mental representation that 357 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,840 Speaker 1: we create of what we look like. And it might 358 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: be how others see you, or it might not be. 359 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,919 Speaker 1: It is influenced by all kinds of things, what we 360 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,320 Speaker 1: see in the media, our friends, our family. One of 361 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,880 Speaker 1: my uncle that he used to joke with me that 362 00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:05,400 Speaker 1: I needed to shop in the maternity ward and I'm 363 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,199 Speaker 1: sure he didn't mean it to have as much of 364 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,920 Speaker 1: a damaging impact as it did. Oh yeah, I think 365 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,960 Speaker 1: I love how family members feel like they have the 366 00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:18,200 Speaker 1: right to call you out on things when they're probably 367 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:22,639 Speaker 1: just as guilty and worse. Right, Um, I definitely had 368 00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:24,680 Speaker 1: been told, oh you can kind of fit there. You've 369 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:27,439 Speaker 1: been eating some you've been eating, haven't you You You're 370 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,320 Speaker 1: looking good. It's okay, keep going girls. These a little 371 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:34,359 Speaker 1: like nudge nudge, Great? Is that passive aggressive, I'm complimenting 372 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,200 Speaker 1: you at the same time I'm telling you you're fat. Yeah. Yes. 373 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,879 Speaker 1: And when you search body image online, almost all of 374 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:46,200 Speaker 1: the top results are women and body image. Women's help 375 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,639 Speaker 1: dot Gov has a whole page about body image, but 376 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,439 Speaker 1: research does show that it is increasingly impacting men and boys. 377 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:57,360 Speaker 1: A friend recently described this to me as the Disney 378 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:03,280 Speaker 1: princessification of superhero rows impacting men. A new report in 379 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:06,800 Speaker 1: the Atlantic found that of boys are concerned with their 380 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,040 Speaker 1: weight and physique, then ideal media is a term that 381 00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,199 Speaker 1: gets thrown around a lot, and this impacts all of us. 382 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,879 Speaker 1: But whereas women are most likely to feel pressured to 383 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,080 Speaker 1: lose weight, men are equally likely to feel pressured to 384 00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: lose weight and to gain weight via muscle at the 385 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:28,200 Speaker 1: same time. Sexualization has been linked by several studies to 386 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:33,480 Speaker 1: eating disorders, low self esteem, and depression. These are negative 387 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: mental and physical outcomes from what we're talking about, and 388 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:39,920 Speaker 1: on a personal level, I'm not sure I could ever 389 00:23:40,119 --> 00:23:45,000 Speaker 1: properly express the shame and fear I have of my body. 390 00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 1: In high school, I used to throw up every morning 391 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 1: when I saw myself in the mirror, and my parents 392 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: thought I might be pregnant um and explaying morning sickness, 393 00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 1: and eventually I ended up in the hospital. I went 394 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:02,320 Speaker 1: through several eating disorders. People are dying, are being sick 395 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,639 Speaker 1: to a certain way, right. I definitely have worked with 396 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:10,520 Speaker 1: many girls who have been hospitalized due to their illness, 397 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,919 Speaker 1: and it is an illness. I think that's one of 398 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,159 Speaker 1: the things that we need to talk about. It is 399 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,280 Speaker 1: a mental health illness that they can never be satisfied. 400 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:21,240 Speaker 1: And it's not just because of society. It is definitely 401 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,919 Speaker 1: a big attribute to them, but then their own self 402 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,080 Speaker 1: worth and control. So when we were talking about the 403 00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:29,240 Speaker 1: trauma and the loss of appetite, it is something that 404 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:33,199 Speaker 1: people can control. So it is really really scary because 405 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 1: people have died, people have ruined their um. It's just 406 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,800 Speaker 1: like they can't function, they lose their hair, they look 407 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,000 Speaker 1: gone like it's just such an unfortunate thing. I will 408 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 1: say I didn't necessarily deal with anorexia or bulimia, but 409 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,560 Speaker 1: I definitely stop eating. And even now, I mean this morning, 410 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,280 Speaker 1: you and I talked about the things that we're doing 411 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:58,919 Speaker 1: to try to combat are weight gain from the holidays 412 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:01,399 Speaker 1: and is still a big important thing. I'm like, I 413 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,119 Speaker 1: can't fit into these pants. I have to do a B, 414 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,760 Speaker 1: C and D to lose this weight quickly because I 415 00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:12,199 Speaker 1: feel like blah, yeah, essentially yes, yeah, and it's it 416 00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 1: really bothers me because, like one of my best friends 417 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,960 Speaker 1: and also my mom to a certain extent, almost always 418 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:22,040 Speaker 1: we end up talking about like weight and losing weight. Um. 419 00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,920 Speaker 1: And to this day, I still get uncomfortable when men 420 00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,480 Speaker 1: tell me they think I'm beautiful, and I'm not too 421 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,080 Speaker 1: sure why. I think it's because I feel like I'm not. 422 00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,560 Speaker 1: I'm immediately self conscious and to me, it's like a 423 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,800 Speaker 1: passing of judgment on more than looks, but also my worth, 424 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:41,240 Speaker 1: and I can't help but interpreting it as I want 425 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: to have sex with you, which then frightens me because 426 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,959 Speaker 1: I'm already thinking how can I diffuse this situation so 427 00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,960 Speaker 1: it doesn't reach that point? And I know that's a 428 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,840 Speaker 1: lot to get from what ostensibly is a compliment, right, 429 00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:54,280 Speaker 1: I mean, I have similar reaction. I think for me 430 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:55,639 Speaker 1: it has a lot to do with the fact I 431 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,520 Speaker 1: was sexualized at such a young age, and even now, 432 00:25:58,680 --> 00:26:02,320 Speaker 1: the sexualized perception an Asian woman has me on edge 433 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,520 Speaker 1: with most men I meet. I'm very, very weary when 434 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:08,080 Speaker 1: I get head on, because the majority of the time, 435 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:10,320 Speaker 1: I'm gonna say probably seventy at the time that I 436 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:15,359 Speaker 1: get hit on, it begins with where are you from? Right? No? No, 437 00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,600 Speaker 1: but where are you from? Really? And or no, no, 438 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,640 Speaker 1: where is your family from? Because I like to mess 439 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:23,000 Speaker 1: with people. I'm like, I'm from Ella j Georgia. No no, no, 440 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,320 Speaker 1: no no. But I mean, if I actually look at 441 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,440 Speaker 1: all of these things, I automatically assume it's not sincere. 442 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,479 Speaker 1: And again, it's kind of like you have a motive 443 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,760 Speaker 1: for telling me this. And I will say, even my father, 444 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,600 Speaker 1: my adoptive father, who I love and is my father, 445 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,399 Speaker 1: would tell me things about how great I am or whatever, 446 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,320 Speaker 1: and I would get so uncomfortable because I know you 447 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,119 Speaker 1: don't like it, and it it would walk away trying to 448 00:26:45,119 --> 00:26:47,720 Speaker 1: tell me. But he needs to tell me, I think, 449 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:51,639 Speaker 1: because he is a good father, trying to raise a 450 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,679 Speaker 1: self worth and within myself. But to me just automatically 451 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,840 Speaker 1: came hum manipulating me as you were saying, and or 452 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,720 Speaker 1: are this is something that I can't control and you're 453 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:08,280 Speaker 1: gonna use this against me? Right? Yeah, exactly. And when 454 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 1: your value is defined through your desirability to someone else, 455 00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,359 Speaker 1: and it's this super narrow window, UM that for a 456 00:27:15,359 --> 00:27:18,280 Speaker 1: lot of us is out of our reach. It's hard 457 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:22,040 Speaker 1: not to internalize that and turn it into failure like 458 00:27:22,119 --> 00:27:24,760 Speaker 1: we were talking about in our very first episode in 459 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:28,120 Speaker 1: the series, and to low self worth in two Feelings 460 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:31,320 Speaker 1: of Shame. And as I've said before, I'm a big 461 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:35,320 Speaker 1: cause player and kind of alluding back to what we 462 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,760 Speaker 1: were talking about. This episode has made me think a 463 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:42,719 Speaker 1: lot about how I love to dress and sexy cosplay 464 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:46,800 Speaker 1: sexy outfits, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, 465 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:50,320 Speaker 1: but it did make me think about how children might 466 00:27:50,359 --> 00:27:54,480 Speaker 1: be perceiving it and why I feel like I can 467 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:59,080 Speaker 1: only be sexy when I'm not me a k A 468 00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:04,680 Speaker 1: slut owen from um Mean Girls? Is that from Mean Girls? Yeah? 469 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:10,920 Speaker 1: She jokes, and she's like, you're you're punishing she jokes, 470 00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:13,960 Speaker 1: but you're punishing these girls for being sexy. But it's 471 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:16,080 Speaker 1: the only time they're allowed to be sexy, that it's 472 00:28:16,119 --> 00:28:20,320 Speaker 1: like sanctioned that they can do this. Um. I mean, 473 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:23,879 Speaker 1: I agree with that. It's kind of hard for me 474 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,760 Speaker 1: to dress up in general because of that. UM. You 475 00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: and I have been talking a lot about Dragon Con 476 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: and cosplay and I and I told you one of 477 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,480 Speaker 1: the reasons I don't attend these things as an Asian woman, 478 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 1: I'm scared about those who are infatuated with Asian culture 479 00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:45,200 Speaker 1: slash Sailor Moon anime and the that that automatically puts 480 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:49,120 Speaker 1: me on edge because the conversations that turn into women, 481 00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,400 Speaker 1: Asian women wanting to be this, this and this, and 482 00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,960 Speaker 1: it's all very sexualized, and it's all very to me 483 00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:58,080 Speaker 1: almost the meaning. And also you got to remember a 484 00:28:58,120 --> 00:29:01,760 Speaker 1: majority of my trauma came from in Korea, So automatically, 485 00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,960 Speaker 1: I'm just yeah, Asian culture means I'm going to get 486 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:09,040 Speaker 1: molested or sexualized in or sexually harassed. So it does. 487 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:10,880 Speaker 1: It kind of puts you in one edge. But at 488 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:13,480 Speaker 1: the same time, I do want to look sexy, but 489 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: how do I do that without feeling like I'm gonna 490 00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 1: bring on a male perspective that's going to make me 491 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,800 Speaker 1: feel gross? Right? And I mean we hear that all 492 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,719 Speaker 1: the time, what was she wearing? So of course you're 493 00:29:27,760 --> 00:29:31,920 Speaker 1: gonna start to think about it, worry about it a 494 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 1: little bit more. And it's something like Giant Con, which 495 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: has a hundred thousand people come out and a lot 496 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:42,160 Speaker 1: of them are in sexy clothing. It feels more like 497 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:45,400 Speaker 1: I can do this. I'm the only one. Right. You 498 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:47,960 Speaker 1: have a little more security in a group as well. Right. 499 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:51,080 Speaker 1: And that's not to say terrible things that happened at conventions. 500 00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,640 Speaker 1: And we'll probably the reason we've been talking about this 501 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:57,520 Speaker 1: because we're work shopping an episode perhaps around it. I'm 502 00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:02,640 Speaker 1: gonna stay for it. I'm gonna day forever. M. But 503 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:04,280 Speaker 1: in the meantime we have a little bit more for you. 504 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:05,760 Speaker 1: But first we have a quick break for a word 505 00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: from our sponsor, M, and we're back, Thank you, sponsor. So, 506 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:22,520 Speaker 1: sexualization has also been linked to sexual health, decreased use 507 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:26,480 Speaker 1: of condoms, and decreased sexual assertiveness, which is really important 508 00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:29,640 Speaker 1: when you're talking about consent. Actually, that's a great conversation 509 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:32,480 Speaker 1: in the myths of what is virginity, and I know 510 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,960 Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about that later on, but that's kind 511 00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,480 Speaker 1: of how the link. People don't expect to have sex, 512 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:41,360 Speaker 1: so therefore if they don't carry around condoms, that means 513 00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,960 Speaker 1: they're not sexually active, and then they fall into this 514 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 1: whole trap up lah, and then if they do other things, 515 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:53,440 Speaker 1: everything but sex, I'm safe, right, right? Oh? No. Study 516 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,760 Speaker 1: found that by the age of six, girls were already 517 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:59,920 Speaker 1: feeling the pressure to be sexy when shown at all 518 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 1: on a sexy, revealing outfit and wanting a fashionable, trendy outfit, 519 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:07,479 Speaker 1: of the girls said the sexy one looked more like 520 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 1: how she wanted to look, and seventy two said the 521 00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 1: sexy one was more popular for young girls and women. 522 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:18,239 Speaker 1: Sexiness is more commonly linked to popularity. I mean, if 523 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:21,680 Speaker 1: you look at Instagram, it seems like that's right, because 524 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:24,920 Speaker 1: one of the highest following is um I don't even 525 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,400 Speaker 1: know her name. Is it Kindall Dinner? Are you looking 526 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:32,080 Speaker 1: at me? I think is Kindall Jenner, who is a 527 00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:37,400 Speaker 1: part of the Kardashian Dinner family, and she was the 528 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,800 Speaker 1: highest followed or the most followed on Instagram right until 529 00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:43,960 Speaker 1: the egg. Thank God for the egg. I'm just playing. 530 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: I'm sure she's a great girl. I don't know anything 531 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:50,560 Speaker 1: about her, but all honesty, this perception of her being 532 00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,800 Speaker 1: sexy and her being able to be a model, and 533 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:56,320 Speaker 1: her being able to make money off her looks has 534 00:31:56,360 --> 00:32:00,840 Speaker 1: been her whole thing, and people and people sponsored them 535 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:06,440 Speaker 1: or specifically because they know they have this giant following. Yeah, 536 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:11,000 Speaker 1: and back when I worked primarily in YouTube, and I'm 537 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,320 Speaker 1: going to preface this and say it has changed a lot, 538 00:32:14,320 --> 00:32:18,160 Speaker 1: but when I first started, there was a like an 539 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:23,640 Speaker 1: official suggestion to show cleavage in your thumbnails that you'd 540 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:27,040 Speaker 1: use on YouTube videos because they got more clicks. Now 541 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:30,280 Speaker 1: it's opposite, they punish you for doing that. Another thing 542 00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:32,880 Speaker 1: that we talked about in our cosmetic surgery episode is 543 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:35,520 Speaker 1: how middle and high schoolers are more likely to get 544 00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:41,600 Speaker 1: cosmetic surgery these days, especially as a graduation gift. Uh yeah, 545 00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:43,840 Speaker 1: And I found a couple of studies and think pieces 546 00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:47,760 Speaker 1: that suggested sexualization has negatively impacted our ability to have 547 00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:52,680 Speaker 1: friendships women cutting off other women, um cutting them down 548 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,760 Speaker 1: over their looks, viewing each other as competitors. For men, 549 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:59,000 Speaker 1: are platonic relationships between men and women, where in a 550 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:01,880 Speaker 1: heteronormous ends anyway, one person is always in the back 551 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:05,200 Speaker 1: of their head thinking sex could come from this. I 552 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:08,760 Speaker 1: have a friend who super subscribes to this belief that 553 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:14,960 Speaker 1: there's no in her mind, somebody in a platonic man 554 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:18,600 Speaker 1: woman friendship is willing to have sex with the other person. 555 00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,080 Speaker 1: Maybe they don't want to, but they're like, you know, well, 556 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,480 Speaker 1: today you just met one of my really close guy 557 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:27,520 Speaker 1: friends who has been my friend for over many years, 558 00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:31,960 Speaker 1: origenerally with at that um. But there definitely it wasn't 559 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,040 Speaker 1: so much us, it was everyone else around us that 560 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:36,880 Speaker 1: was thinking, are you guys. You guys aren't living with 561 00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:38,920 Speaker 1: each other, You guys are good for each other. Why 562 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,000 Speaker 1: aren't you dating? You should be dating. And we were 563 00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:44,000 Speaker 1: very happy for the fact that we were close friends, 564 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:45,800 Speaker 1: and I still call him one of my best friends 565 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,680 Speaker 1: to the day, and his wife think goodness is also 566 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:51,240 Speaker 1: a good friend. So none of that weirdness. But I 567 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:55,280 Speaker 1: will say it's such a weird phenomenon to have someone 568 00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:56,800 Speaker 1: in the back of your head telling you what you 569 00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:00,160 Speaker 1: should fill. Yeah, but that's a whole different factor as 570 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,960 Speaker 1: we Also we were talking about the competitiveness between women 571 00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:06,800 Speaker 1: the housewives earlier. That's kind of the whole spain who 572 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 1: not necessarily from men, but who looks better, who looks younger, 573 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:13,799 Speaker 1: who has more? Who it does more, I guess because 574 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:17,200 Speaker 1: it's such a weird thing that every woman needs to 575 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 1: outshine other women because apparently that's the only competition that's 576 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,000 Speaker 1: sarcastic by the way, and also I want to say 577 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:28,720 Speaker 1: I have plenty of male friendships that I truly believe 578 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,680 Speaker 1: very very platonic and very wonderful. And I know I 579 00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:34,839 Speaker 1: have a bad track record, but I also feel like 580 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 1: I I do have those friendships and they can't exist. 581 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:42,280 Speaker 1: But the point being, I can totally see the argument 582 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:48,799 Speaker 1: that this sexualization aspect does impact friendships. Also, again, just 583 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,719 Speaker 1: like the example that I gave with my friend, there's 584 00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:54,520 Speaker 1: an expectation of beyond us who are in this relationship 585 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: that it should be for the reason other than it 586 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,080 Speaker 1: makes sense that they're together rather than single, right And 587 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,200 Speaker 1: I we talked about this in our fan fiction episode, 588 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:05,880 Speaker 1: and I could go. I think I could give a 589 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 1: lecture on fiction, on man fiction, and on why there's 590 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,799 Speaker 1: so many romances in our media. And it's because when 591 00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,320 Speaker 1: you introduce a woman and a man into a situation, 592 00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:22,160 Speaker 1: they can't just be friends. Because that's what we've creators 593 00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:26,239 Speaker 1: and producers have said forever, like, there's never just a 594 00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:29,040 Speaker 1: man and a woman that are friends. They always end 595 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,040 Speaker 1: up together. Therefore, if you add a woman into the situation, 596 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:34,239 Speaker 1: because we all know that the main character has got 597 00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:36,880 Speaker 1: to be a man, then people are always going to 598 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,040 Speaker 1: be expecting them to end up together. So they put 599 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:41,960 Speaker 1: a man as the best friend, and then there's romance. 600 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:44,600 Speaker 1: I guess that's how Friends ended up having all the 601 00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:46,880 Speaker 1: characters date each other, whether it made sense or not, 602 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:50,200 Speaker 1: because they can't just be friends. I told you that. 603 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:53,759 Speaker 1: That's one of my biggest pet peeves as far as 604 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:57,160 Speaker 1: L G B, t q I and homophobia. This whole 605 00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:00,120 Speaker 1: thing plays into the ma sho men don't share their feeling, 606 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:03,080 Speaker 1: don't hug other men thing out of fear being labeled 607 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:07,640 Speaker 1: as a homosexual or effeminate um. And that also plays 608 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:13,680 Speaker 1: into the the bromance. Oh conversation, I really want to 609 00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:18,399 Speaker 1: talk about that soon. I'll help you. I'll be here 610 00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:23,200 Speaker 1: for that in the studio right here. And another thing 611 00:36:23,600 --> 00:36:26,280 Speaker 1: that we wanted to talk about is the Lolito effects. 612 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:30,800 Speaker 1: So you you know a lot more. You knew a 613 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:34,719 Speaker 1: lot more off the bat about this, and I knew 614 00:36:34,719 --> 00:36:36,960 Speaker 1: about it once you explained it to me. But so 615 00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:39,680 Speaker 1: if we look at Roy Moore, GOP nominee for Senate, 616 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,680 Speaker 1: accused of pursuing women in their teams while he was 617 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:46,400 Speaker 1: in his thirties, that's kind of a modern day and 618 00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,879 Speaker 1: this happens all the time, right, example of the lolit effects. Right, 619 00:36:49,920 --> 00:36:54,880 Speaker 1: So the loally effect. So when we're talking about the 620 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,520 Speaker 1: Lolito effect, where we would loosely define what we're talking 621 00:36:58,560 --> 00:37:02,880 Speaker 1: about by referencing the no voll Lolita by Vladimir Nobukov, 622 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:07,640 Speaker 1: who's protagonists obsess about a twelve year old who he 623 00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:12,879 Speaker 1: calls a nymphet or the nymphet. And if you are 624 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:16,600 Speaker 1: a if you were or are an English major, you 625 00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,960 Speaker 1: already know about this book and about the people say 626 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:23,080 Speaker 1: this is their favorite book. I understand it is a 627 00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:26,759 Speaker 1: well written book, but so was The Butterfly that pell 628 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:29,520 Speaker 1: Butterfly was a great book by him too, By the way, 629 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:33,439 Speaker 1: I wanted to find an alternative, but um, I think 630 00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:38,360 Speaker 1: everything about this book makes me angry, and I don't 631 00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:42,680 Speaker 1: care how many English majors, sorry guys, love it. The 632 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: term is often used as a reference as to a 633 00:37:45,000 --> 00:37:48,200 Speaker 1: young female who seduces older men. So when we're talking 634 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:52,560 Speaker 1: about R. Kelly, he is a prime example of saying 635 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,360 Speaker 1: these younger women who he has power over are suited 636 00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:57,960 Speaker 1: seeing him, which, by the way, has been an argument 637 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:02,600 Speaker 1: four years about why a fourteen year old or twelve 638 00:38:02,719 --> 00:38:05,440 Speaker 1: year old can have a consent because they seduced me. 639 00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:07,120 Speaker 1: And I'm a forty year old man, and they have 640 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:09,480 Speaker 1: power over me, which is amazing. You can be a 641 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,279 Speaker 1: president that you don't have a power over fourteen year 642 00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:17,719 Speaker 1: old right, which is problematic um because perpetrators try to 643 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,920 Speaker 1: use this as a justification of wrongdoing. That's what I see, 644 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,759 Speaker 1: and I've heard on many occasions, like I said, where 645 00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,480 Speaker 1: finders will say she acted older than she was and 646 00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:30,440 Speaker 1: she came on to me. Let's be very clear and 647 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:35,439 Speaker 1: just a quick reminder, miners cannot consent. That is law. 648 00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:39,279 Speaker 1: Let's just automatically put that out there, because one of 649 00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,680 Speaker 1: the things that made me so angry and what I've 650 00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:47,080 Speaker 1: seen beyond anything else, is this whole idea that a fourteen, fifteen, 651 00:38:47,120 --> 00:38:52,879 Speaker 1: sixteen year old who came on to year old we're 652 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:58,319 Speaker 1: trying to seduce them. Let's be again, and you and 653 00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,840 Speaker 1: I talked about the fact that Daddy is use and 654 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:03,360 Speaker 1: that's the whole conversation that we can have, which is 655 00:39:03,400 --> 00:39:07,640 Speaker 1: also a really gross term as well, about how we're 656 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:12,080 Speaker 1: seeking out approval in older men, and if you really 657 00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:15,359 Speaker 1: want to put it in a real conversation, I think 658 00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:18,759 Speaker 1: older men take advantage of that situation because between a 659 00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:21,480 Speaker 1: fourteen year old and a twenty five year old. I'm 660 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,759 Speaker 1: going to blame the twenty five year old. This is 661 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:27,239 Speaker 1: what I talk about when we hear about the nymphete. 662 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,200 Speaker 1: It has been an old term and an old excuse 663 00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:36,920 Speaker 1: to abuse young women essentially. Yeah, and something else that 664 00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:39,279 Speaker 1: we need to talk about is the hyper sexualization of 665 00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,640 Speaker 1: girls of color and that tends to come with the 666 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:46,160 Speaker 1: belief that they will not perform well academically. And to 667 00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:50,160 Speaker 1: be clear, hyper sexualization is when a combination of multiple 668 00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:55,240 Speaker 1: sexualized attributes are present. Black women, Latino women, spicy latinas, 669 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:57,400 Speaker 1: the finish around Asian women like you were talking about 670 00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:02,320 Speaker 1: Middle Eastern belly dancers. Women of color are hyper sexualized 671 00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:04,719 Speaker 1: intermedia and in our society, and this has led to 672 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:09,319 Speaker 1: a long dark past of rape, for serialization and trafficking. 673 00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:13,799 Speaker 1: And like I said before about the Asian fetish, which 674 00:40:13,840 --> 00:40:16,920 Speaker 1: is the people I try to avoid. Um, it's definitely 675 00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:19,560 Speaker 1: at the forethought of when I consider going on date 676 00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:21,839 Speaker 1: with someone. I think I have that as part of 677 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:25,640 Speaker 1: my profile. So you've ever seen my profile that if 678 00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:28,840 Speaker 1: a your first question is where am I from or be? 679 00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:31,279 Speaker 1: Your second question is will I dress up as an 680 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,480 Speaker 1: anime character? Please don't talk to me like it literally 681 00:40:34,719 --> 00:40:37,880 Speaker 1: is something on my profile because I've had some random 682 00:40:37,920 --> 00:40:41,640 Speaker 1: requests Oh my gosh, Like I haven't had any dick pics. 683 00:40:43,239 --> 00:40:47,480 Speaker 1: I definitely had weird Asian fetish requests. It's a wild 684 00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:49,600 Speaker 1: world out there. I can't wait to learn more about it. 685 00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:51,600 Speaker 1: I mean. And on top of that, if you look 686 00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:57,280 Speaker 1: at the women of color who are sexual life, that's lower. 687 00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,600 Speaker 1: I think you and I talked about the whole racial 688 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:03,399 Speaker 1: day being phenomenon and that white women are the end goal, 689 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:08,439 Speaker 1: and then the women of color are like, Okay, yeah, 690 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:11,200 Speaker 1: but that's kind of that's over sexualization of you want 691 00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:15,200 Speaker 1: something pure and chase as whereas women of color are 692 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:20,000 Speaker 1: probably more sexual and deviant and therefore impure. Yeah that 693 00:41:20,080 --> 00:41:24,120 Speaker 1: I mean again another whole other conversation. Yeah, there's a lot, 694 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,640 Speaker 1: there's a lot of play here. Another thing is a 695 00:41:26,719 --> 00:41:29,720 Speaker 1: lot of studies have shown that the sexier you dress, 696 00:41:30,120 --> 00:41:33,440 Speaker 1: no matter your gender, the more likely you are to 697 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:38,400 Speaker 1: be viewed as incompetent. And it's a trap because, as 698 00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:41,280 Speaker 1: I've said before, we don't respect women in our culture. 699 00:41:41,520 --> 00:41:44,200 Speaker 1: And if your value is in your desirability towards men, 700 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:46,960 Speaker 1: but the more desirable a k a. Sexy you are 701 00:41:47,000 --> 00:41:51,000 Speaker 1: the less competently you are viewed. You're seen as an 702 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:55,880 Speaker 1: object whose only worth is defined by someone else. That's 703 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,440 Speaker 1: a mirage of power, but that is not real power. 704 00:41:58,840 --> 00:42:01,279 Speaker 1: You know what. I don't understand that because when you 705 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:05,239 Speaker 1: look at some of the sexualized horn and all of that, 706 00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:09,560 Speaker 1: women like librarians and teachers who actually don't dress that 707 00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:13,960 Speaker 1: sexy are are automatically sexualized. It's kind of this whole 708 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:20,800 Speaker 1: thing of like wanting to corrupt I guess a power figure, 709 00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,000 Speaker 1: and that could be a whole other conversation about male 710 00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:30,960 Speaker 1: female dominance or whatever you're edifice rex complex, oh my gosh. 711 00:42:31,000 --> 00:42:35,000 Speaker 1: On top of that, sexualization impact concentration and the ability 712 00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:38,480 Speaker 1: to perform task and one study, participants were given ten 713 00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:41,160 Speaker 1: minutes to take a math test in either a swimsuit 714 00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:44,560 Speaker 1: or a sweater. The test results while in the swimsuit 715 00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:48,840 Speaker 1: were way worse for the female participants, but not for 716 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:52,319 Speaker 1: the male participants. For the women, comparing themselves to the 717 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:55,400 Speaker 1: beauty standard in their head got in the way of 718 00:42:55,400 --> 00:43:01,439 Speaker 1: them concentrating on the math problems. Other studies on young 719 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:04,640 Speaker 1: girls show that those that report higher levels of internalized 720 00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:07,960 Speaker 1: sexualization are more likely to spend time on their physical 721 00:43:07,960 --> 00:43:14,239 Speaker 1: appearance as opposed to their academic requirements. US interesting study. Yeah, yeah, 722 00:43:14,239 --> 00:43:17,640 Speaker 1: I was looking at um getting ready for like a 723 00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:21,000 Speaker 1: trivia thing or a test, and you have like ten 724 00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:25,279 Speaker 1: minutes to prepare something. Um, and the girls who showed 725 00:43:25,360 --> 00:43:29,040 Speaker 1: higher level levels of sexualization were more likely to spend 726 00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:32,200 Speaker 1: time putting on makeup as opposed to studying or preparing 727 00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:35,120 Speaker 1: for what they were about to do. According to the study, 728 00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:41,799 Speaker 1: I'm a genius because genius, And yeah, I got no 729 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,359 Speaker 1: problem with putting on makeup. But it is like when 730 00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,920 Speaker 1: you think about how much time and money goes into it, 731 00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,960 Speaker 1: you know what. So I also bartend on the side. 732 00:43:49,960 --> 00:43:53,799 Speaker 1: I have like ten jobs. Everybody have ten jobs. When 733 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:56,800 Speaker 1: it comes to bartending, I do dress up a little 734 00:43:56,840 --> 00:44:01,120 Speaker 1: more and make sure that I'm a little more personable 735 00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:04,000 Speaker 1: and flirty in order to get more money. So that 736 00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:09,399 Speaker 1: makes sense. Yeah, And all of this helps nurture so 737 00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:13,200 Speaker 1: called rape culture and does and its most destructive form 738 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:17,239 Speaker 1: results in sexual assaults and abuse and sex trafficking. And 739 00:44:17,239 --> 00:44:19,880 Speaker 1: if you want some depressing numbers on that one and 740 00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:22,279 Speaker 1: twenty million girls around the globe have been victims of 741 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:25,760 Speaker 1: forced sexual acts and rape in the US around eleven 742 00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:27,759 Speaker 1: percent of high school girls report that they have been 743 00:44:27,800 --> 00:44:31,799 Speaker 1: raped and again, and this is one of the most 744 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:35,480 Speaker 1: underreported things, especially in high school and middle school. I'm 745 00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:39,520 Speaker 1: gonna put that in there, and honestly, some elementary schools, um, 746 00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:44,719 Speaker 1: they don't even understand what rape is, right, and yeah, 747 00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:48,120 Speaker 1: but keep going. Yeah. One of the main reasons young 748 00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:49,920 Speaker 1: women give for not coming forward when it comes to 749 00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:52,560 Speaker 1: sexual assault is that they did not think it was 750 00:44:52,920 --> 00:44:56,600 Speaker 1: serious enough. And it's one of the reasons I didn't 751 00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:59,879 Speaker 1: come forward. And that and the fear of not being 752 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:04,840 Speaker 1: leaves everything we're talking about laze into that, right, So 753 00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:08,880 Speaker 1: let's talk about my masturbation. Okay, yeah, cool, let's do this. 754 00:45:10,000 --> 00:45:13,200 Speaker 1: I'm ready talking about women, society and sex. I didn't 755 00:45:13,239 --> 00:45:15,560 Speaker 1: know women could masturbate till I was in college. It 756 00:45:15,600 --> 00:45:17,200 Speaker 1: makes it kind of sad for you. I'm not gonna lie. 757 00:45:17,280 --> 00:45:20,920 Speaker 1: It was a bummer. I I literally remember exactly the 758 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:24,720 Speaker 1: moment we were playing never Have I Ever, and I thought, 759 00:45:25,080 --> 00:45:28,520 Speaker 1: you know what, this will be funny. And then everyone 760 00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:31,239 Speaker 1: was like, what did it become awkward? Did you make 761 00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:35,400 Speaker 1: things awkward? I usually do, that's what we're friend. I 762 00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:39,080 Speaker 1: thought you could only get sexual pleasure with a partner, 763 00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,800 Speaker 1: probably a man. Well, for me, masturbation was something I 764 00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:45,960 Speaker 1: knew about in the age of five, if not earlier. 765 00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:48,640 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna say five as an estimate. I think 766 00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:51,560 Speaker 1: because of that, the shame factor remained for me well 767 00:45:51,640 --> 00:45:54,880 Speaker 1: until after college. Part of that due to my religious 768 00:45:54,920 --> 00:45:57,200 Speaker 1: upbringing and the fact that you're you're not supposed to 769 00:45:57,200 --> 00:45:59,480 Speaker 1: have sexual thoughts and for women, you're not supposed to 770 00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:03,160 Speaker 1: be sexual and general. And now as a late thirty something, 771 00:46:04,440 --> 00:46:07,360 Speaker 1: I see this is a great way of avoiding bad 772 00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:11,319 Speaker 1: dating situations. And it's so much more time efficient just 773 00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:15,440 Speaker 1: to be real and and now let's get this done. Yeah. 774 00:46:15,800 --> 00:46:21,200 Speaker 1: I had to do a lot of research recently on 775 00:46:21,280 --> 00:46:28,120 Speaker 1: the history of dialders, and so until the twentieth century, 776 00:46:28,160 --> 00:46:33,080 Speaker 1: physicians and men at large in Europe in the United 777 00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:36,839 Speaker 1: States thought women did not experience sexual desire pleasure like 778 00:46:37,160 --> 00:46:41,560 Speaker 1: legitimately thought scientifically they don't. That's how they exercise demons 779 00:46:41,680 --> 00:46:46,080 Speaker 1: was by masturbating women. Historically, well, that's why the dildo 780 00:46:46,160 --> 00:46:51,279 Speaker 1: was invented because of tired male physician fingers. Back in 781 00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:55,080 Speaker 1: the eighteen and early sex stories for women were actually 782 00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:57,799 Speaker 1: more commonly talked about and advertised but it was under 783 00:46:57,840 --> 00:47:01,440 Speaker 1: euphonistic names, and they started to be more commonly sold 784 00:47:01,440 --> 00:47:03,960 Speaker 1: in the sixties is what they really were under the 785 00:47:04,040 --> 00:47:06,400 Speaker 1: name of what they really were. That's when we see 786 00:47:06,480 --> 00:47:09,080 Speaker 1: all of this anxiety around them build up and around 787 00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:12,799 Speaker 1: the female liberation that they were associated with. If you 788 00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,759 Speaker 1: think about it, even now, we sometimes call them massagers. 789 00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:19,439 Speaker 1: We call them in the state of Georgia of senity laws. 790 00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:23,040 Speaker 1: Until like two years ago, very recent you could not 791 00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:26,520 Speaker 1: sell sex stories. You could sell novelty items from marital 792 00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:29,800 Speaker 1: aids because marital aids, because you had to be in 793 00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:33,560 Speaker 1: a relationship. Ladies, if you're gonna want this thing, I 794 00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,560 Speaker 1: will say I did help a girl who had just 795 00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:40,160 Speaker 1: gotten married and couldn't quite understand, well not quite understand, 796 00:47:40,160 --> 00:47:42,360 Speaker 1: but couldn't quite get there with her husband, and we 797 00:47:42,440 --> 00:47:44,400 Speaker 1: bought a sex way for her for her and her 798 00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:49,399 Speaker 1: husband to enjoy together. But she needed that for her pleasure, right, 799 00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:52,200 Speaker 1: And yeah, totally use them for marital aids. If we 800 00:47:52,280 --> 00:47:54,879 Speaker 1: look at something like Fifty Shades of Gray, which did 801 00:47:55,200 --> 00:47:57,600 Speaker 1: so much to bring awareness to six stories, it was 802 00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:01,680 Speaker 1: in the context of a man using them on a woman. 803 00:48:02,160 --> 00:48:05,480 Speaker 1: Even the name sex toy makes women's pleasure sound like 804 00:48:05,640 --> 00:48:09,960 Speaker 1: it's a childish pursuit. Advertising for sex toys when you 805 00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:12,719 Speaker 1: do see them, it often does shy away from the 806 00:48:12,719 --> 00:48:17,240 Speaker 1: fact that women could use them by themselves, terrifying almost 807 00:48:17,239 --> 00:48:20,040 Speaker 1: trying to reassure men you're not going to be replaced 808 00:48:20,120 --> 00:48:25,279 Speaker 1: dudes calling them Mary delaides things like that, And the 809 00:48:25,320 --> 00:48:28,680 Speaker 1: first male designers up dildos thought women just wanted longer 810 00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:33,680 Speaker 1: penises longer, yeah, longer, as they made dildos much longer 811 00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:39,839 Speaker 1: than like an average male penis. No, no, men are 812 00:48:40,000 --> 00:48:43,480 Speaker 1: obsessed with penis like I mean, honestly, it's not about 813 00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:46,560 Speaker 1: the size, It's about the motion and the ocean. Am 814 00:48:46,560 --> 00:48:51,640 Speaker 1: I right? Ladies? Huh okay, can't we get a rim shot? 815 00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:57,120 Speaker 1: Ever since me too. We're perfectly able to talk about 816 00:48:57,160 --> 00:49:00,279 Speaker 1: women being assaulted, raped or harassed, and this aim of 817 00:49:00,320 --> 00:49:03,120 Speaker 1: women being preyed on sexually by men, but we still 818 00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:06,000 Speaker 1: can't talk about women being able to have sexual agency 819 00:49:06,040 --> 00:49:08,719 Speaker 1: and find pleasure on their own. That's still so uncomfortable 820 00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:11,000 Speaker 1: for us. The whole reason I did this research is 821 00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:16,279 Speaker 1: because of the o say sex toy um that won 822 00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:19,400 Speaker 1: an award at this year's CS and then the awarders 823 00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:25,920 Speaker 1: are sended because quote, it was probably obscene, profane, are immoral. 824 00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:28,839 Speaker 1: I like that that's being labeled for a sex toy, 825 00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:32,560 Speaker 1: literally something that is supposed to be only done with 826 00:49:32,600 --> 00:49:35,520 Speaker 1: a man. If you want to talk about morality according 827 00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,279 Speaker 1: to the Bible, which right, that's where morality has to 828 00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:40,960 Speaker 1: come from. That or the law which in the US 829 00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:44,359 Speaker 1: kind of based it on the Bible. They do, even 830 00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:46,920 Speaker 1: though in theory we have separation of church and state. Yes, 831 00:49:47,120 --> 00:49:51,480 Speaker 1: but apparently we don't care. Nope. And you can even 832 00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:54,280 Speaker 1: take this argument as it pertains to healthcare. The idea 833 00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:58,280 Speaker 1: that erectile dysfunction pills are covered by insurance and money 834 00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:04,640 Speaker 1: is thrown studies looking into rectile dysfunction. Birth control, on 835 00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:07,880 Speaker 1: the other end, is so regulated that you'd be astounded 836 00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:12,000 Speaker 1: at how recently we've even started looking at the female 837 00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:15,680 Speaker 1: body and other ways of birth control, right, I mean, 838 00:50:15,880 --> 00:50:18,240 Speaker 1: when you talk about Plan B, that's such a taboo 839 00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:21,400 Speaker 1: statement in itself, and then you and I are talking 840 00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:24,680 Speaker 1: about getting birth control before it gets taken away from us. 841 00:50:25,880 --> 00:50:30,080 Speaker 1: Yeahthing happened, as well as the fact that it just 842 00:50:30,239 --> 00:50:33,919 Speaker 1: recently became a thing as being preventative. I don't quite 843 00:50:33,960 --> 00:50:36,640 Speaker 1: understand that because how is it not preventive if you 844 00:50:36,719 --> 00:50:39,319 Speaker 1: if you don't if you want less abortion, I know, 845 00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:44,680 Speaker 1: don't conceive. I guess that's the whole absentence thing, which 846 00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:48,120 Speaker 1: by the way, is ridiculous, right, And that's a whole 847 00:50:48,640 --> 00:50:52,359 Speaker 1: conversation around um, because I have a lot of friends 848 00:50:52,400 --> 00:50:56,720 Speaker 1: that are very Catholic and that it is viewed in 849 00:50:56,719 --> 00:50:58,960 Speaker 1: in their religion, or at least in there, because I 850 00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:03,760 Speaker 1: know different churches are more or less liberal or whatever. 851 00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:07,359 Speaker 1: But um, I come from a very conservative town, and um, 852 00:51:07,400 --> 00:51:10,080 Speaker 1: I know that bird control was seen as like a 853 00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:13,600 Speaker 1: boarding right. And I've definitely had discussions with friends of 854 00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:17,760 Speaker 1: mine who say that any kind of hormones that prevent 855 00:51:17,880 --> 00:51:22,560 Speaker 1: anything or kill off sperm, as they would say, is abortion, 856 00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:24,920 Speaker 1: and therefore they don't believe in it, in which my 857 00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,640 Speaker 1: face does if you can see my faces, and what 858 00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:31,000 Speaker 1: the hell? Mode? Yeah, And I have to be like, 859 00:51:31,000 --> 00:51:35,640 Speaker 1: you're a reasonably college educated woman, what right? What the hell? 860 00:51:35,719 --> 00:51:39,520 Speaker 1: Most should be a snapchat filter? Who can work on that? 861 00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:42,759 Speaker 1: I want money for it? Okay? Well, okay, so we'll 862 00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,600 Speaker 1: work on it and then we'll sell it for for 863 00:51:44,719 --> 00:51:49,920 Speaker 1: top dollar. So I guess we're going to embarrass ourselves 864 00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:52,120 Speaker 1: even more because we're talking about sex toys, we're talking 865 00:51:52,160 --> 00:51:54,360 Speaker 1: about preventatives. So if we're not going to have sex, 866 00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:57,680 Speaker 1: but we feel sexual sex toys is in this but 867 00:51:57,719 --> 00:52:01,040 Speaker 1: the next best option, yeah right. Um, And I will 868 00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:06,080 Speaker 1: say before I talk about that, very briefly, I was 869 00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:12,239 Speaker 1: prescribed birth control at fourteen for migraines, you know what 870 00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,160 Speaker 1: I think. And then there was the yeas that was 871 00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:22,239 Speaker 1: prescribed for acne. Yes, but I did experience very negative 872 00:52:22,480 --> 00:52:26,520 Speaker 1: side effects extremely and so I haven't used it since. 873 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,080 Speaker 1: I will say I've had issues with birth control where 874 00:52:30,080 --> 00:52:33,120 Speaker 1: I was laid out because I was experiencing vertigo so 875 00:52:33,200 --> 00:52:36,080 Speaker 1: badly that I could not sit up and I had 876 00:52:36,080 --> 00:52:37,759 Speaker 1: to be like this, this is not working. This is 877 00:52:37,760 --> 00:52:41,080 Speaker 1: not working. And I've had to go through one, two, three, 878 00:52:41,239 --> 00:52:43,960 Speaker 1: four different forms before I figured out watch which one 879 00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:48,240 Speaker 1: I liked. Yeah, yeah, it's a it could be a difficult, 880 00:52:48,320 --> 00:52:53,720 Speaker 1: intimidating process. But and as we were the minute, like hey, 881 00:52:53,760 --> 00:53:00,919 Speaker 1: it's fine, you got this control. But if we look 882 00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:04,320 Speaker 1: at sex toys by sex toys, which is why I 883 00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:06,080 Speaker 1: don't want to talk to none, keep going back to 884 00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:11,200 Speaker 1: sex toys. So when I got my first vibrator, I 885 00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:14,600 Speaker 1: was in college and I was about to move to China, 886 00:53:15,080 --> 00:53:16,680 Speaker 1: and I had already been there for eight months, but 887 00:53:16,719 --> 00:53:19,239 Speaker 1: it came back to the United States to graduate make 888 00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:22,840 Speaker 1: some arrangements, moved back to China, and some of my 889 00:53:22,920 --> 00:53:28,080 Speaker 1: best expat lady friends in China very strongly recommended getting 890 00:53:28,080 --> 00:53:30,400 Speaker 1: a vibrator while I was in the US. In their words, 891 00:53:30,520 --> 00:53:33,759 Speaker 1: I would not be having much sex, if any, while 892 00:53:33,800 --> 00:53:36,919 Speaker 1: I was in China, and vibrators weren't hard to come by. 893 00:53:36,960 --> 00:53:38,640 Speaker 1: I don't know if this is true, but that is 894 00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:40,440 Speaker 1: what they told me, and they said it was a 895 00:53:40,480 --> 00:53:44,560 Speaker 1: lot of conviction. And I was at a party and 896 00:53:44,640 --> 00:53:47,440 Speaker 1: with a little liquid courage. This is in the United 897 00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:49,319 Speaker 1: States before I go back to China. I asked some 898 00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:51,560 Speaker 1: of the women who were at the party, who I 899 00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:55,720 Speaker 1: didn't know very well, by the way, for their recommendations, 900 00:53:55,840 --> 00:54:01,600 Speaker 1: and they had so many, so many cocommendations. And at 901 00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:03,880 Speaker 1: the time, I was the only women in my in 902 00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:07,000 Speaker 1: my dorm, so it was five stories. I'm the only woman. 903 00:54:07,840 --> 00:54:13,000 Speaker 1: Georgia Tech was Georgia Tech dudes um And there was 904 00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:16,760 Speaker 1: an insurrection, which is a six toy shop which sounds 905 00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:19,000 Speaker 1: like a sex toy does. And it was across the 906 00:54:19,000 --> 00:54:22,520 Speaker 1: street and it had this blue and pink blinking light 907 00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,160 Speaker 1: that kept me up all night. I remember when my 908 00:54:25,239 --> 00:54:27,799 Speaker 1: parents moved me in. My dad was like, what is that? 909 00:54:27,960 --> 00:54:30,879 Speaker 1: And I was shying to like, oh nothing, man, don't 910 00:54:30,920 --> 00:54:32,720 Speaker 1: worry about that. You should be like, it's a candy 911 00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:37,040 Speaker 1: store next, you know, just Atlanta. Don't worry about it. 912 00:54:37,120 --> 00:54:40,359 Speaker 1: There's lights around. And that's where I went, and the 913 00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:44,360 Speaker 1: male salesman followed me around the entire time, a new vary, uncomfortable, 914 00:54:45,000 --> 00:54:47,920 Speaker 1: exactly how you should have this experience? Right? I got 915 00:54:47,960 --> 00:54:52,080 Speaker 1: a blue in a shaped thing called devolved. Well you 916 00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:55,480 Speaker 1: remember this clearly, I do remember. God. I was like, 917 00:54:55,840 --> 00:54:59,440 Speaker 1: I've never been before. I mean, I get it. It 918 00:54:59,560 --> 00:55:01,879 Speaker 1: is play on d loved like you don't need love. 919 00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:05,480 Speaker 1: And when I checked out, he made it. He put 920 00:55:05,520 --> 00:55:07,960 Speaker 1: the batteries in and he made me like hold it 921 00:55:07,960 --> 00:55:09,799 Speaker 1: and showed that it worked because you can't return them, 922 00:55:09,800 --> 00:55:13,799 Speaker 1: you know, and I blushed so hard. Demonstrated it for you. 923 00:55:14,160 --> 00:55:18,200 Speaker 1: He made me like say, yes, it works. Okay, okay, 924 00:55:18,520 --> 00:55:20,560 Speaker 1: none of that makes sense, but as like a like 925 00:55:20,600 --> 00:55:24,400 Speaker 1: a sells approach that you can't complain about it. Yeah, 926 00:55:24,440 --> 00:55:27,960 Speaker 1: but that's still creepy. Oh man, um and for me 927 00:55:28,760 --> 00:55:32,160 Speaker 1: as a sexually repressed religious girl, I actually didn't have 928 00:55:32,200 --> 00:55:34,480 Speaker 1: one until my twenties and it was actually given to 929 00:55:34,520 --> 00:55:37,480 Speaker 1: me by a roommate. It was brand new, so don't 930 00:55:37,480 --> 00:55:40,480 Speaker 1: worry about that if you, if you need to know, 931 00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:44,240 Speaker 1: UM And that was the only one I had for years. 932 00:55:44,760 --> 00:55:46,719 Speaker 1: Obviously it was a good one. I was happy with it, 933 00:55:47,000 --> 00:55:51,520 Speaker 1: and then I discovered the wonderful, wonderful world of online shopping. 934 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,839 Speaker 1: I think the only sex store I had actually gone 935 00:55:53,840 --> 00:55:56,719 Speaker 1: to was in Paris, in the red light district, and 936 00:55:56,920 --> 00:56:00,000 Speaker 1: when which I was accompanied by an adorable gay boy 937 00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,640 Speaker 1: who was dismayed I had never been to one before. 938 00:56:02,719 --> 00:56:04,840 Speaker 1: He had to take me there and I was like, okay, 939 00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:07,799 Speaker 1: And to be honest, I don't really remember it. It 940 00:56:07,880 --> 00:56:10,359 Speaker 1: was so I was so embarrassed. It kind of turned 941 00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:14,960 Speaker 1: into a blur. And uh, definitely I've been since I 942 00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:17,880 Speaker 1: kind of told you the story about the married girl 943 00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:20,759 Speaker 1: who was trying to help and get a sex way. 944 00:56:20,800 --> 00:56:23,759 Speaker 1: But even then, I mean, even now, even though I'm 945 00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:27,320 Speaker 1: very open about sex and more willing to explore or 946 00:56:27,360 --> 00:56:30,040 Speaker 1: talk about it because I think it's important, it still 947 00:56:30,080 --> 00:56:32,840 Speaker 1: it still feels really uncomfortable to go into a building 948 00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:36,839 Speaker 1: with all of those darkened windows. If you think there's 949 00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:40,520 Speaker 1: a couple of stores here that seemed to both sexualized 950 00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:43,360 Speaker 1: Asian people, you know what I'm talking about, as well 951 00:56:43,440 --> 00:56:45,680 Speaker 1: as trying to make it fancy. But I'm like, no, 952 00:56:45,800 --> 00:56:49,200 Speaker 1: I can't, I can't. That's everything I'm against in some 953 00:56:49,280 --> 00:56:51,080 Speaker 1: type of way of form. But I'm surely that's some 954 00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:56,480 Speaker 1: nice things. But honestly, online shopping has been my sex 955 00:56:56,719 --> 00:57:03,080 Speaker 1: toy saving grace. Think's Internet. Thanks Internet, It's for providing 956 00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:05,279 Speaker 1: all the good things I need without having to go 957 00:57:05,360 --> 00:57:07,919 Speaker 1: into a darkened store where a man has to show 958 00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:11,520 Speaker 1: me how to use it right. Well, and I've told 959 00:57:11,600 --> 00:57:14,640 Speaker 1: you before I move on briefly that recently one of 960 00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:20,360 Speaker 1: my favorite memories very embarrassing, but I enjoy it. Me 961 00:57:20,440 --> 00:57:22,920 Speaker 1: and a group of my best friends went to a 962 00:57:22,920 --> 00:57:26,880 Speaker 1: Harry Potter party and I was dressed like to the 963 00:57:27,000 --> 00:57:30,800 Speaker 1: nines and my Harry Harry Potter her money kind of outfit. 964 00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:36,400 Speaker 1: And there's a lot of drinking involved and it my 965 00:57:36,480 --> 00:57:38,800 Speaker 1: friend had just broken up with her boyfriend whom she 966 00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:42,200 Speaker 1: was very much in love with, very miserable, and she 967 00:57:42,280 --> 00:57:46,720 Speaker 1: wanted to go to a get purchased sex story and 968 00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:52,400 Speaker 1: past the man she vomited inside the store. And I 969 00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:55,760 Speaker 1: have a picture of me dressed as her money inside 970 00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:59,480 Speaker 1: a sex store, like comforting my friend. And it's one 971 00:57:59,480 --> 00:58:02,400 Speaker 1: of my favorite pictures ever. And you're about to get 972 00:58:02,520 --> 00:58:06,560 Speaker 1: so many emails from random guys saying, send me that picture. 973 00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:12,840 Speaker 1: It's really it's top nuts, it's stop nutch. But anyway, 974 00:58:13,200 --> 00:58:15,240 Speaker 1: something else we wanted to bring into this conversation around 975 00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:20,800 Speaker 1: this embarrassing conversation as we admit to things virginity. But 976 00:58:21,360 --> 00:58:26,200 Speaker 1: I will say right at the top, defining virginity is difficult, 977 00:58:26,200 --> 00:58:29,600 Speaker 1: and I wouldn't say there is one definition. It's mostly 978 00:58:29,600 --> 00:58:33,120 Speaker 1: been defined as penetrative penis and vagina sex, but that 979 00:58:33,280 --> 00:58:35,600 Speaker 1: is changing, not only because it's extremely narrow, but it 980 00:58:35,640 --> 00:58:38,200 Speaker 1: also loves out l G B t q I folks. 981 00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:41,200 Speaker 1: And we discussed in our Bad Sex episode how some 982 00:58:41,280 --> 00:58:45,040 Speaker 1: young folks think of it as their first orgasm. And 983 00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:47,320 Speaker 1: just to be clear, there is no medical definition for this, 984 00:58:47,760 --> 00:58:49,720 Speaker 1: you know what. And I find it really interesting a 985 00:58:49,760 --> 00:58:52,840 Speaker 1: lot of youngsters, I'm gonna say that as an old person, 986 00:58:53,440 --> 00:58:56,880 Speaker 1: would not classify anal sex as sex, and this is 987 00:58:56,920 --> 00:59:03,240 Speaker 1: kind of their loophole of staying of virgin which is um, Yeah, 988 00:59:03,400 --> 00:59:05,560 Speaker 1: that's not correct. Now, we're not going to say that 989 00:59:05,560 --> 00:59:10,040 Speaker 1: that's the same definition of at least it it's not 990 00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:13,640 Speaker 1: you're not a virgin, you've had a storm of sex, 991 00:59:13,720 --> 00:59:17,400 Speaker 1: which I think is the problematic point of what sex 992 00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:21,160 Speaker 1: is and why people don't talk about it, because you know, 993 00:59:21,200 --> 00:59:23,280 Speaker 1: what we need to talk about anal sex and how 994 00:59:24,480 --> 00:59:26,640 Speaker 1: it can or it can be used in a nice 995 00:59:26,640 --> 00:59:29,280 Speaker 1: way or an awful way, and you should have the 996 00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:31,800 Speaker 1: choice either way. But that's another story. So I'm gonna 997 00:59:31,800 --> 00:59:37,400 Speaker 1: stop now. Yeah, And something that I've brought up a 998 00:59:37,440 --> 00:59:41,120 Speaker 1: lot recently is the fact that we teach women and 999 00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:45,520 Speaker 1: young girls that having sex will be painful the first time, 1000 00:59:45,520 --> 00:59:48,560 Speaker 1: like you should expect it to hurt, that you should 1001 00:59:48,600 --> 00:59:51,400 Speaker 1: expect to plead, which used to be the test to 1002 00:59:51,400 --> 00:59:54,880 Speaker 1: tell if a woman was a virgin if she bled, 1003 00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:57,959 Speaker 1: And sometimes that will happen, sometimes it won't. In either case, 1004 00:59:58,040 --> 01:00:01,320 Speaker 1: the bleeding is usually very minimal. UM. Some women will 1005 01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:04,439 Speaker 1: so stitches into their vaginas to make sure that they 1006 01:00:04,520 --> 01:00:08,120 Speaker 1: bleed so someone will think they're a virgin. UM. Someone 1007 01:00:08,160 --> 01:00:13,000 Speaker 1: would use artificial hymen's that bleed red die bleed in quotes, 1008 01:00:13,440 --> 01:00:18,520 Speaker 1: um or cosmetic surgery called hymenoplasty, which some countries have 1009 01:00:18,640 --> 01:00:23,400 Speaker 1: labeled as female genital mutilation. Some women won't go to 1010 01:00:23,520 --> 01:00:26,600 Speaker 1: a guidecologist because they don't want to quote lose their 1011 01:00:26,680 --> 01:00:29,840 Speaker 1: virginity there um or ride a bike. They won't put 1012 01:00:29,840 --> 01:00:33,440 Speaker 1: it tampons in. It's fantastic all those urban legends about 1013 01:00:33,720 --> 01:00:36,800 Speaker 1: there are so many, so many, like I know all 1014 01:00:36,840 --> 01:00:38,840 Speaker 1: of these. I just sat and really thought about all 1015 01:00:38,880 --> 01:00:41,200 Speaker 1: of them. That you have a friend of a friend 1016 01:00:41,200 --> 01:00:43,720 Speaker 1: who sat on a bike and she lost her virginity. 1017 01:00:43,760 --> 01:00:46,120 Speaker 1: You know, like, wait, what that help? I think then 1018 01:00:46,160 --> 01:00:49,520 Speaker 1: as a child is terrifying. I'll never ride a bike again. 1019 01:00:50,200 --> 01:00:54,680 Speaker 1: But why And it's such a strange concept to me, 1020 01:00:54,840 --> 01:01:01,280 Speaker 1: tying virginity to virtue, like sacrificing a virgin to lose 1021 01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:05,960 Speaker 1: your virginity, or he took her virginity, gave it up, 1022 01:01:06,160 --> 01:01:09,280 Speaker 1: pop your cherry deflowered. All these things are negative and 1023 01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,360 Speaker 1: a lot of them are kind of violent, and it's 1024 01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:14,840 Speaker 1: definitely dismissive of an experience for a woman that should 1025 01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:18,959 Speaker 1: be something on her own, be prized if it wants, 1026 01:01:19,040 --> 01:01:22,760 Speaker 1: if they wanted to be and or whatever. Right, and 1027 01:01:22,800 --> 01:01:25,520 Speaker 1: then we could also look at things like purity balls, 1028 01:01:25,560 --> 01:01:27,960 Speaker 1: which are these big parties where young girls pledge their 1029 01:01:28,040 --> 01:01:32,640 Speaker 1: virginity to their fathers, which I find very weird, but 1030 01:01:32,720 --> 01:01:37,600 Speaker 1: okay until a suitable husband comes along. My niece's mother 1031 01:01:37,760 --> 01:01:40,920 Speaker 1: asked me to come to her purity ceremony and I refused, 1032 01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,200 Speaker 1: and it caused some trauma. I said, I would talk 1033 01:01:43,240 --> 01:01:46,160 Speaker 1: to her about sex anytime, but I am not willing 1034 01:01:46,200 --> 01:01:49,760 Speaker 1: to go to a purity ball. I have never participated 1035 01:01:49,840 --> 01:01:52,560 Speaker 1: in in these, but it was interesting to see that 1036 01:01:52,640 --> 01:01:57,240 Speaker 1: families saw this as a middle class celebration um as 1037 01:01:57,280 --> 01:02:01,360 Speaker 1: of virtue and virginity was a profitable currency, which was 1038 01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:03,520 Speaker 1: a thing way back when, and which is why they 1039 01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:06,920 Speaker 1: pretended or tried to prove that they were a virgin. 1040 01:02:07,400 --> 01:02:10,640 Speaker 1: And there's this almost unseid understanding sex is dirty and 1041 01:02:10,680 --> 01:02:13,600 Speaker 1: lower class and ignorant, which isn't true because if you 1042 01:02:13,640 --> 01:02:17,600 Speaker 1: really think about the conversations or when you talk about 1043 01:02:17,600 --> 01:02:20,360 Speaker 1: women having sex, so she's she's a home, she she 1044 01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:22,000 Speaker 1: gave it up to this guy, or she did this 1045 01:02:22,080 --> 01:02:24,760 Speaker 1: to this guy, And it's usually a lot to do 1046 01:02:24,920 --> 01:02:28,480 Speaker 1: with some type of socioeconomic status as well. Um and 1047 01:02:28,520 --> 01:02:32,000 Speaker 1: I mean conservative groups still only believe in teaching absinence, 1048 01:02:32,280 --> 01:02:35,440 Speaker 1: which leaves a lot of important questions unanswered. And I 1049 01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:37,960 Speaker 1: think that's part of the reason, is that if you're 1050 01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:41,920 Speaker 1: a good girl, if you're truly a middle class girl 1051 01:02:41,960 --> 01:02:44,000 Speaker 1: with the virtue or up a middle class of virtue, 1052 01:02:44,440 --> 01:02:46,520 Speaker 1: you won't need to know about sex because you're not 1053 01:02:46,520 --> 01:02:49,920 Speaker 1: going to have sex and until it's right. Yeah, that's 1054 01:02:49,920 --> 01:02:56,360 Speaker 1: a good point. And uh, another point of Annie not 1055 01:02:56,480 --> 01:03:02,080 Speaker 1: knowing anything about culture unless it's marvel at it related. 1056 01:03:02,360 --> 01:03:05,160 Speaker 1: Isn't the bachelor right now in virgin Okay, now this 1057 01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:08,040 Speaker 1: I have no idea. Reality shows are not my thing. 1058 01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:10,640 Speaker 1: Oh is the heat that would be a bachelor not 1059 01:03:10,680 --> 01:03:15,880 Speaker 1: the bachelored? Okay. Um. It caused a big stir on 1060 01:03:15,920 --> 01:03:18,760 Speaker 1: Twitter because people are mad. They're like, why don't keep 1061 01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:21,680 Speaker 1: calling him a virgin? Isn't this this is a negative? 1062 01:03:22,520 --> 01:03:27,240 Speaker 1: It's perpetuating negative stereotypes about virginity. I mean, that's the 1063 01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:29,000 Speaker 1: thing that is the other part that I think we 1064 01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:32,480 Speaker 1: need to think talk about is virginity. And if that's 1065 01:03:32,520 --> 01:03:34,520 Speaker 1: something that you believe in and that's something that you 1066 01:03:34,560 --> 01:03:37,840 Speaker 1: hold true, that's not a bad thing either. Like you 1067 01:03:37,960 --> 01:03:40,880 Speaker 1: do you and if you feel that you want to 1068 01:03:40,880 --> 01:03:43,480 Speaker 1: be in a healthy place before you have sex. That's amazing. 1069 01:03:43,880 --> 01:03:47,040 Speaker 1: Please do that, Please do that. So in no way 1070 01:03:47,040 --> 01:03:50,040 Speaker 1: are we negating the fact that virginity can be a 1071 01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:51,920 Speaker 1: good thing or is a good thing. But also we 1072 01:03:51,960 --> 01:03:55,360 Speaker 1: want to put on the fact that people who stressed 1073 01:03:55,400 --> 01:03:59,400 Speaker 1: that as an important is also misleading. Yeah, as if 1074 01:03:59,400 --> 01:04:03,720 Speaker 1: it's the is it, it's your identifier, which is can 1075 01:04:03,800 --> 01:04:09,680 Speaker 1: be unfortunate, right. Yeah. I think that this timeline we 1076 01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:12,479 Speaker 1: have is very stressful to a lot of people because 1077 01:04:12,480 --> 01:04:14,120 Speaker 1: they feel like by this age, I should have done 1078 01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:18,680 Speaker 1: this and it. Yes, I think it's much more important 1079 01:04:18,720 --> 01:04:20,280 Speaker 1: to be in a healthy place to be with someone 1080 01:04:20,320 --> 01:04:24,680 Speaker 1: you like. Forget about that timeline other terms like popping 1081 01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:28,040 Speaker 1: the cherry, breaking the hymen. That is not how it works. 1082 01:04:28,880 --> 01:04:31,880 Speaker 1: But it is an incredibly enduring myth, so much so 1083 01:04:31,960 --> 01:04:34,960 Speaker 1: that the Sweetest Association for Sexuality Education started using the 1084 01:04:35,040 --> 01:04:38,640 Speaker 1: term vaginal corona as an alternative to hyman in two 1085 01:04:38,640 --> 01:04:44,240 Speaker 1: thousand and nine because people misunderstand it so much. And 1086 01:04:44,320 --> 01:04:47,720 Speaker 1: I remember when I was in Europe in college and 1087 01:04:47,760 --> 01:04:52,560 Speaker 1: I was living with mostly Belgium university students, but some Spanish, French, British, German, 1088 01:04:53,320 --> 01:04:56,880 Speaker 1: all kinds people from all over and they all reported 1089 01:04:56,920 --> 01:05:01,600 Speaker 1: a very different experience and expectation around Loo seeing your virginity, 1090 01:05:02,400 --> 01:05:05,640 Speaker 1: mostly that it wasn't a big deal, probably wasn't great, 1091 01:05:05,960 --> 01:05:08,400 Speaker 1: Maybe you wouldn't even remember it, as opposed to here 1092 01:05:08,400 --> 01:05:10,680 Speaker 1: in the u S where we build up this whole 1093 01:05:10,760 --> 01:05:13,840 Speaker 1: losing your virginity thing to be immagical once in a 1094 01:05:13,880 --> 01:05:17,680 Speaker 1: lifetime experience. That just puts more pressure on something that 1095 01:05:17,840 --> 01:05:21,920 Speaker 1: is already full of pressure. International listeners, please right in 1096 01:05:22,000 --> 01:05:23,880 Speaker 1: and let us know if that If that is the case, 1097 01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:26,840 Speaker 1: this is just what I heard anecdotally from people I 1098 01:05:26,880 --> 01:05:30,320 Speaker 1: was living with for a long time. When people would 1099 01:05:30,320 --> 01:05:32,160 Speaker 1: ask me when I lost my virginity, I would go 1100 01:05:32,200 --> 01:05:35,880 Speaker 1: through these mental hoops to not define what I had 1101 01:05:35,920 --> 01:05:39,320 Speaker 1: been through as losing my virginity. Oh yeah, well, I'm 1102 01:05:39,320 --> 01:05:42,520 Speaker 1: pretty much Liz Lemon from Dirty Rog, in which she 1103 01:05:42,680 --> 01:05:46,040 Speaker 1: awkwardly jokes she jokes about being mid twenties, which was 1104 01:05:46,320 --> 01:05:50,680 Speaker 1: myself as well, and losing it awkwardly, Oh, it sounds 1105 01:05:50,680 --> 01:05:52,400 Speaker 1: like you would to fit in with my European friends. 1106 01:05:52,440 --> 01:05:55,080 Speaker 1: That that's exactly what they were telling me. Was probably 1107 01:05:55,080 --> 01:05:57,320 Speaker 1: pretty bad. You don't know what you're doing here in experience, 1108 01:05:57,360 --> 01:05:59,400 Speaker 1: I was gonna say that, wasn't it didn't necessarily hurt, 1109 01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:02,920 Speaker 1: but at the same not like, is this it? I'm 1110 01:06:02,960 --> 01:06:07,360 Speaker 1: gonna go back to that vibrator my friend gave me. Okay, 1111 01:06:07,360 --> 01:06:11,240 Speaker 1: all right, guys. On the flip side of this Madonna 1112 01:06:11,240 --> 01:06:14,720 Speaker 1: horror situation, yeah, is the horror or the slut um 1113 01:06:15,000 --> 01:06:17,800 Speaker 1: shaming is so prevalent and it leads to things like 1114 01:06:17,880 --> 01:06:21,640 Speaker 1: revenge posts when an ex post news or suggestive pictures 1115 01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:23,680 Speaker 1: on social media, and this could cost someone their job, 1116 01:06:24,080 --> 01:06:28,200 Speaker 1: can lead to self harming and suicidal ideation. Um, yeah, 1117 01:06:28,200 --> 01:06:29,880 Speaker 1: it's any news I don't think makes me so angry 1118 01:06:29,920 --> 01:06:33,120 Speaker 1: when people are like, well, she shouldn't have said it. Yeah, 1119 01:06:33,120 --> 01:06:35,880 Speaker 1: well you shouldn't have posted it, right. Cool. We talked 1120 01:06:35,880 --> 01:06:38,680 Speaker 1: about in our Sexism and Language episode how so many 1121 01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:42,640 Speaker 1: words in the English language went from meaning women of 1122 01:06:42,760 --> 01:06:47,840 Speaker 1: power to essentially prostitute, because how else could a woman 1123 01:06:47,880 --> 01:06:53,920 Speaker 1: have any power in her vagina? Yes, well, recently a 1124 01:06:54,160 --> 01:06:56,960 Speaker 1: slutty vegan opened near us, and it got both of 1125 01:06:57,040 --> 01:07:00,960 Speaker 1: us thinking about all this weirdness around that words. But like, 1126 01:07:01,720 --> 01:07:05,800 Speaker 1: you should be ashamed that you like it, like hid 1127 01:07:05,880 --> 01:07:09,560 Speaker 1: how much you like get strange. There's also an egxcelet 1128 01:07:09,560 --> 01:07:12,760 Speaker 1: in Vegas too, that is a similar marketing campaign. I 1129 01:07:12,760 --> 01:07:16,600 Speaker 1: guess it seems like it's trying to make food sexy, 1130 01:07:17,120 --> 01:07:20,720 Speaker 1: which then again goes to perpetuate. Is this a thing 1131 01:07:20,840 --> 01:07:24,880 Speaker 1: that we want to sell something? Does it sell better 1132 01:07:25,000 --> 01:07:28,920 Speaker 1: because they're sexy, slutty? Whatever? And you you can control that. 1133 01:07:29,000 --> 01:07:31,240 Speaker 1: I mean, when it comes to slut shaming, let's talk 1134 01:07:31,240 --> 01:07:35,120 Speaker 1: about enjoying sex and the misconception that women's orgasm isn't important, 1135 01:07:35,600 --> 01:07:39,640 Speaker 1: which let's all agree this is a sham. Traditionally, women's 1136 01:07:39,640 --> 01:07:43,640 Speaker 1: sexuality is about procreating, and as someone who has no 1137 01:07:43,760 --> 01:07:47,880 Speaker 1: desire for children, that's me. That is not my objective. 1138 01:07:48,480 --> 01:07:54,560 Speaker 1: And I like sex. I mean, I'm gonna be very 1139 01:07:54,560 --> 01:07:57,760 Speaker 1: honest and tell you I start becoming fairly frustrated and 1140 01:07:57,840 --> 01:08:00,240 Speaker 1: feel like I'm missed out on quite a lot because 1141 01:08:00,240 --> 01:08:04,000 Speaker 1: I waited so late and having sex and and actually 1142 01:08:04,040 --> 01:08:06,560 Speaker 1: having good sex. Let's say that, and I will state 1143 01:08:06,600 --> 01:08:11,160 Speaker 1: that I absolutely again I enjoy sex and uh went 1144 01:08:11,240 --> 01:08:14,520 Speaker 1: without it long enough. I mean, I'm now I'm just 1145 01:08:15,120 --> 01:08:17,840 Speaker 1: now I'm too awkward to do the hook up thing 1146 01:08:18,120 --> 01:08:21,640 Speaker 1: because I don't know how to do that, and there 1147 01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:24,759 Speaker 1: are days I just need someone, as I'd like to say, 1148 01:08:24,920 --> 01:08:28,679 Speaker 1: just someone to lay on me. That's my stratement. And 1149 01:08:28,920 --> 01:08:31,360 Speaker 1: as a strong woman, we've come far along when it 1150 01:08:31,360 --> 01:08:33,920 Speaker 1: comes to understanding our own pleasures and ability to state 1151 01:08:33,920 --> 01:08:36,640 Speaker 1: what we want. But I think we don't exercise that 1152 01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:40,719 Speaker 1: as a conversation enough. Um. I think when it comes 1153 01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:46,519 Speaker 1: to really wanting to pleasure ourselves. And I will say 1154 01:08:46,520 --> 01:08:48,760 Speaker 1: for me, part of that is also hoping that the 1155 01:08:48,760 --> 01:08:53,960 Speaker 1: partner also feels pleasure by me, obviously, but to have 1156 01:08:54,120 --> 01:08:56,760 Speaker 1: that conversation of like, I don't actually like this, I 1157 01:08:56,800 --> 01:08:59,320 Speaker 1: do actually like this. I don't want you to do 1158 01:08:59,479 --> 01:09:03,240 Speaker 1: with that ever again with that conversation or actually stopping. No, no, nope, 1159 01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:06,440 Speaker 1: you can't do that. You know what I mean. And 1160 01:09:07,120 --> 01:09:10,519 Speaker 1: let's talk about DJ Kalen. Let you know what I mean. 1161 01:09:10,680 --> 01:09:13,320 Speaker 1: I'm want to say, hey, man, you need to learn 1162 01:09:13,360 --> 01:09:16,760 Speaker 1: to play pleasure a woman because your wife deserves it. 1163 01:09:16,840 --> 01:09:19,840 Speaker 1: So being dumb, you had to explain this to me, 1164 01:09:19,960 --> 01:09:22,160 Speaker 1: So maybe explain it to your listeners who might not. 1165 01:09:22,280 --> 01:09:24,880 Speaker 1: I will say. DJ Khaled was it on an interview 1166 01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:28,160 Speaker 1: at a radio station in which he talked about oral sex, 1167 01:09:28,240 --> 01:09:30,200 Speaker 1: and yes he gets the oral sex from his wife, 1168 01:09:30,479 --> 01:09:34,080 Speaker 1: but he doesn't give oral sex to his wife because 1169 01:09:34,080 --> 01:09:38,320 Speaker 1: he feels like he doesn't have to. He's the man, right, 1170 01:09:38,479 --> 01:09:42,000 Speaker 1: And I think everybody kind of lost their mind about that, 1171 01:09:42,320 --> 01:09:44,800 Speaker 1: including Nicki Minaj. She puts that in her like one 1172 01:09:44,800 --> 01:09:46,439 Speaker 1: of her rep songs. She's like, I'm done with you 1173 01:09:46,680 --> 01:09:49,360 Speaker 1: because you refuse to pleasure your wife. I mean, that 1174 01:09:49,520 --> 01:09:52,599 Speaker 1: is a conversation. If you want a good marriage this 1175 01:09:52,680 --> 01:09:54,840 Speaker 1: day and time, it should be equal in all things, 1176 01:09:54,880 --> 01:10:00,240 Speaker 1: and that includes sex. And I know that I have 1177 01:10:00,320 --> 01:10:04,559 Speaker 1: some friends who don't like receiving oral sex for whatever reason, 1178 01:10:05,479 --> 01:10:09,840 Speaker 1: um whether they get too self conscious or whatever it is. 1179 01:10:09,920 --> 01:10:12,720 Speaker 1: But if if it is something you like, then that 1180 01:10:12,760 --> 01:10:15,040 Speaker 1: should be a part of a healthy relationship, right and 1181 01:10:15,120 --> 01:10:16,920 Speaker 1: not because he thinks he's the man and he doesn't 1182 01:10:16,920 --> 01:10:21,440 Speaker 1: have to exactly. Another thing that we need to talk about, unfortunately, 1183 01:10:21,520 --> 01:10:25,760 Speaker 1: is honor killings. Almost always, this is a situation where 1184 01:10:25,760 --> 01:10:27,800 Speaker 1: a man is killing a woman for bringing him and 1185 01:10:28,040 --> 01:10:32,479 Speaker 1: or his family and her family usually dishonor maybe the 1186 01:10:32,479 --> 01:10:35,639 Speaker 1: woman falls for someone the family doesn't approve of, maybe 1187 01:10:35,640 --> 01:10:39,040 Speaker 1: she leaves her abusive husband. About one thousand women a 1188 01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:43,000 Speaker 1: year died this way in Pakistan, about five thousand worldwide, 1189 01:10:43,280 --> 01:10:46,519 Speaker 1: and appens in the US too, And it's absolutely terrifying. 1190 01:10:46,840 --> 01:10:49,680 Speaker 1: It deserves its own whole episode, but I wanted to 1191 01:10:49,680 --> 01:10:52,639 Speaker 1: include it here because it does illustrate how we view 1192 01:10:52,640 --> 01:10:58,879 Speaker 1: women and their agency. And they're right and that honor 1193 01:10:59,080 --> 01:11:02,599 Speaker 1: is again a currency for the family, and I think 1194 01:11:02,840 --> 01:11:08,760 Speaker 1: that's an important conversation about how women's virtue is not 1195 01:11:08,840 --> 01:11:13,639 Speaker 1: necessarily about the woman, but it's about the family, which 1196 01:11:13,680 --> 01:11:16,639 Speaker 1: is an absurd idea in itself. UM. And we can 1197 01:11:16,640 --> 01:11:21,040 Speaker 1: also talk about semicide, which has been the newest label 1198 01:11:21,160 --> 01:11:24,800 Speaker 1: for men killing women because the women refused to do 1199 01:11:24,840 --> 01:11:27,200 Speaker 1: what they want essentially and or make them mad or 1200 01:11:27,280 --> 01:11:29,479 Speaker 1: upset however you want to say it, which is part 1201 01:11:29,520 --> 01:11:32,960 Speaker 1: of that as well. Yeah, and if we look at 1202 01:11:33,560 --> 01:11:35,680 Speaker 1: the l g B t q I community on our 1203 01:11:35,760 --> 01:11:38,720 Speaker 1: violence is on the rise when it comes to UH, 1204 01:11:39,320 --> 01:11:43,080 Speaker 1: particularly gay men, but the whole community. So it is 1205 01:11:43,120 --> 01:11:51,080 Speaker 1: something that is frightening and we should definitely come back 1206 01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:55,200 Speaker 1: and revisit that topic. But we have a little bit 1207 01:11:55,200 --> 01:11:56,720 Speaker 1: more for you, but first we have one more quick 1208 01:11:56,720 --> 01:12:06,960 Speaker 1: break for word from our sponsor m H and we're back, 1209 01:12:07,200 --> 01:12:12,840 Speaker 1: Thank you, sponsor, And we're back with UM. A depressing 1210 01:12:13,360 --> 01:12:16,280 Speaker 1: topic but one that is necessary, and it is rape 1211 01:12:16,280 --> 01:12:19,599 Speaker 1: culture because society sex and women, you've got to talk 1212 01:12:19,600 --> 01:12:23,120 Speaker 1: about rape culture. A survey conducted by the United States 1213 01:12:23,120 --> 01:12:26,280 Speaker 1: Department of Justice from two thousand looking into sexual victimization 1214 01:12:26,320 --> 01:12:29,479 Speaker 1: of college women, found that less than five percent of 1215 01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:33,080 Speaker 1: rapes experienced by the women participating have been reported. Less 1216 01:12:33,120 --> 01:12:35,479 Speaker 1: than five percent, and the number one reason they gave 1217 01:12:35,560 --> 01:12:38,599 Speaker 1: for not reporting is not believing the crime was serious 1218 01:12:38,680 --> 01:12:41,280 Speaker 1: or bad enough. Going back to what we said earlier, 1219 01:12:41,400 --> 01:12:44,519 Speaker 1: which is taught to us women or people who are 1220 01:12:44,640 --> 01:12:48,760 Speaker 1: victims children as well, that this is actually true. You 1221 01:12:48,800 --> 01:12:52,160 Speaker 1: need to calm down. It's not like you got murdered. Yeah, 1222 01:12:52,320 --> 01:12:55,479 Speaker 1: it's not as bad as this other thing. Um. And 1223 01:12:55,600 --> 01:13:01,320 Speaker 1: the media, the media is so key and perpetuating this 1224 01:13:01,920 --> 01:13:06,160 Speaker 1: pop culture rewards both persistence and passiveness when it comes 1225 01:13:06,160 --> 01:13:09,439 Speaker 1: to men with women, like the nice guy who quote 1226 01:13:09,960 --> 01:13:13,160 Speaker 1: deserves it or is entitled to it. Yeah, like if 1227 01:13:13,160 --> 01:13:15,240 Speaker 1: they bought you a nice fancy then or treated you nice, 1228 01:13:15,320 --> 01:13:17,639 Speaker 1: that means you need to put out also a gross term. 1229 01:13:17,640 --> 01:13:20,080 Speaker 1: I want to say that it is um. And then 1230 01:13:20,080 --> 01:13:23,800 Speaker 1: there's this whole thing of women as sexual gatekeepers, a 1231 01:13:23,920 --> 01:13:25,760 Speaker 1: virgin in the streets, but a freak in the bed, 1232 01:13:26,040 --> 01:13:29,640 Speaker 1: that type of thing. Jokes about men with tiny penises 1233 01:13:29,760 --> 01:13:32,519 Speaker 1: are bad at pleasing women equates to their worth as 1234 01:13:32,560 --> 01:13:36,200 Speaker 1: well doing the nice guy thing of treating women like people. 1235 01:13:36,880 --> 01:13:39,439 Speaker 1: The woman thinking this is a friendship, Oh my god, 1236 01:13:39,520 --> 01:13:41,840 Speaker 1: that's me, and the nice guy thinking this lack of 1237 01:13:41,840 --> 01:13:45,360 Speaker 1: sex after doing everything right. It's a judgment on his 1238 01:13:45,479 --> 01:13:50,880 Speaker 1: masculinity and an adequateness, and that is tied to his value. 1239 01:13:51,000 --> 01:13:53,160 Speaker 1: And I would love the five. I roll up on 1240 01:13:53,240 --> 01:13:56,400 Speaker 1: some men's profiles who say, I know you don't want 1241 01:13:56,400 --> 01:13:59,080 Speaker 1: the nice guy. This is me, so you might as well, Like, 1242 01:13:59,320 --> 01:14:05,200 Speaker 1: is so self approcating. I'm a nice guy, but I'm 1243 01:14:05,200 --> 01:14:06,800 Speaker 1: really angry you won't choose me. And I'm like, I 1244 01:14:06,800 --> 01:14:09,599 Speaker 1: don't think you're as nice as you think you are. Yes, 1245 01:14:09,840 --> 01:14:13,599 Speaker 1: oh yes, um, things like friend zone or forty year 1246 01:14:13,600 --> 01:14:16,400 Speaker 1: old virgin. If we look at those things defining men's 1247 01:14:16,439 --> 01:14:19,360 Speaker 1: value as their ability to quote land a hot woman 1248 01:14:19,439 --> 01:14:22,800 Speaker 1: in their lives, women always end up with jerks in 1249 01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:26,320 Speaker 1: these things, a k someone who is not the nice guy, 1250 01:14:26,479 --> 01:14:28,880 Speaker 1: because we have to be more forgiving. And these mean 1251 01:14:28,880 --> 01:14:31,880 Speaker 1: guys are probably nice, but for the men, you definitely 1252 01:14:31,920 --> 01:14:36,920 Speaker 1: deserve that hot girl who was the whole catch. Great job, 1253 01:14:36,960 --> 01:14:39,920 Speaker 1: great seems of humor. All that things right, Yes, yes, 1254 01:14:40,120 --> 01:14:44,280 Speaker 1: who definitely exists? That's you right, that's what I heard, 1255 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:48,920 Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. She doesn't exist. Um, as long 1256 01:14:48,960 --> 01:14:51,799 Speaker 1: as women are afraid men will kill them or violence 1257 01:14:51,840 --> 01:14:56,160 Speaker 1: will ensue, they say polite nose, which are misinterpreted as maybes, 1258 01:14:56,200 --> 01:14:59,000 Speaker 1: and we punish women for their sexuality but tell men 1259 01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:02,200 Speaker 1: they're entitled to it. As long as that's going on, 1260 01:15:02,280 --> 01:15:05,360 Speaker 1: this is going to continue. We make jokes about men 1261 01:15:05,400 --> 01:15:09,200 Speaker 1: who are sexually inexperienced and unsatisfying and about women being loose, 1262 01:15:10,040 --> 01:15:15,560 Speaker 1: so we're punishing the opposite of we're creating the situation. 1263 01:15:16,400 --> 01:15:20,200 Speaker 1: And also, yeah, lack of access to birth control, abortion services, 1264 01:15:20,240 --> 01:15:23,439 Speaker 1: lack of sex said, and a little line item called 1265 01:15:23,560 --> 01:15:28,280 Speaker 1: pregnancy white makers a little nervous. That's how I trapped 1266 01:15:28,320 --> 01:15:30,280 Speaker 1: my men. I'm just playing. I'm just playing. I just 1267 01:15:30,360 --> 01:15:33,840 Speaker 1: love that stigma though that I would I would get 1268 01:15:33,920 --> 01:15:38,360 Speaker 1: pregnant and snare you. And I'm like, no, no, that 1269 01:15:38,439 --> 01:15:40,840 Speaker 1: sounds like a lot of a lot of work and 1270 01:15:40,880 --> 01:15:43,400 Speaker 1: a lot of pain and probably a lot of money 1271 01:15:43,960 --> 01:15:48,919 Speaker 1: sacrificing all of that for you. Yeah. Um, hypothetical guy, 1272 01:15:49,320 --> 01:15:52,760 Speaker 1: hypothetical man out there. I really can't stress enough that 1273 01:15:52,800 --> 01:15:55,040 Speaker 1: we are perpetuating a cycle where and no one is happy. 1274 01:15:55,080 --> 01:15:58,080 Speaker 1: Men think they're entitled to sex. Women are faced with 1275 01:15:58,360 --> 01:16:01,919 Speaker 1: multitude of obstacles that in their way for them wanting 1276 01:16:01,960 --> 01:16:04,519 Speaker 1: it and or enjoying sex. They're at a violence, loss 1277 01:16:04,520 --> 01:16:06,920 Speaker 1: of reputation or job, lack of birth control or access 1278 01:16:06,960 --> 01:16:10,479 Speaker 1: to reprotective health that might lead to pregnancy, followed up 1279 01:16:10,479 --> 01:16:14,120 Speaker 1: with lack of access to abortion. We get called withholding. 1280 01:16:14,439 --> 01:16:17,559 Speaker 1: We might not want to be withholding or cold. We 1281 01:16:17,640 --> 01:16:21,120 Speaker 1: have all of this stuff that impacts our sexual agency 1282 01:16:21,360 --> 01:16:25,240 Speaker 1: or lack thereof. Again fan fiction. That's why I always 1283 01:16:25,240 --> 01:16:28,160 Speaker 1: wrote male characters, because I didn't have to worry about 1284 01:16:28,200 --> 01:16:30,760 Speaker 1: any of that stuff. With a male character I was. 1285 01:16:30,800 --> 01:16:32,680 Speaker 1: I didn't even realize that's why I was doing it, 1286 01:16:32,800 --> 01:16:35,400 Speaker 1: but that's why I was doing easier way to do it. Yeah, 1287 01:16:35,439 --> 01:16:38,599 Speaker 1: And I think it's so hilarious that if we don't 1288 01:16:38,600 --> 01:16:43,680 Speaker 1: have sex, we're withholding. Maybe I'm just tired, right, you know, 1289 01:16:44,320 --> 01:16:46,840 Speaker 1: um and kind of to bring about the whole rape 1290 01:16:46,840 --> 01:16:50,320 Speaker 1: culture um and trying to identify exactly what that looks like. 1291 01:16:50,560 --> 01:16:52,200 Speaker 1: I do kind of want to talk about the disease 1292 01:16:52,200 --> 01:16:57,360 Speaker 1: and sorry incident um in which we're talking about society's 1293 01:16:57,360 --> 01:17:01,280 Speaker 1: expectation on women and um and what it looks like 1294 01:17:01,280 --> 01:17:04,080 Speaker 1: to be at tease or being called to tease, and 1295 01:17:04,160 --> 01:17:06,800 Speaker 1: a zeas and sorry incident, it's kind of what I 1296 01:17:06,840 --> 01:17:09,760 Speaker 1: saw more than anything else. First of all, let me 1297 01:17:09,800 --> 01:17:12,360 Speaker 1: go ahead and say that everyone, anyone has the right 1298 01:17:12,400 --> 01:17:14,120 Speaker 1: to change their mind and when it comes to what 1299 01:17:14,160 --> 01:17:17,800 Speaker 1: they want to do physically and emotionally. If I changed 1300 01:17:17,840 --> 01:17:19,519 Speaker 1: my mind in the middle of the actual act of 1301 01:17:19,600 --> 01:17:22,040 Speaker 1: having sex, and the overall reaction should be to stop, 1302 01:17:23,240 --> 01:17:26,280 Speaker 1: no question. I remember there was a lot of confusion 1303 01:17:26,280 --> 01:17:29,120 Speaker 1: with this accusation of a zeas and sorry versus the 1304 01:17:29,160 --> 01:17:32,320 Speaker 1: Harvey Weinstein incident. I think that is partly due to 1305 01:17:32,360 --> 01:17:34,880 Speaker 1: the fact that many women have gone through similar incidents 1306 01:17:34,960 --> 01:17:37,719 Speaker 1: as the woman with I'm sorry dead, which then makes 1307 01:17:37,760 --> 01:17:41,880 Speaker 1: individuals question was a victim too. So you have the 1308 01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:46,000 Speaker 1: Harvey wind Steine incidents where it was forceful rape essentially 1309 01:17:46,439 --> 01:17:51,040 Speaker 1: and or some type of violence were involved and threat um. 1310 01:17:51,160 --> 01:17:55,200 Speaker 1: And it also comes down to the fact that they 1311 01:17:55,520 --> 01:17:58,600 Speaker 1: it was actually said by one of the female correspondents 1312 01:17:58,640 --> 01:18:01,000 Speaker 1: when it came to as ease and sorry, that this 1313 01:18:01,160 --> 01:18:05,400 Speaker 1: was just a bad date essentially. Um. But if you 1314 01:18:05,479 --> 01:18:08,880 Speaker 1: look at it that deeper, it's a little different. Uh. 1315 01:18:09,360 --> 01:18:12,280 Speaker 1: I think even myself, I mean quicktics he's bad behavior 1316 01:18:12,360 --> 01:18:17,719 Speaker 1: as just bad experiences or even giving into prolonged sexual 1317 01:18:17,720 --> 01:18:20,639 Speaker 1: experience just to get it over with and not because 1318 01:18:20,640 --> 01:18:25,160 Speaker 1: I wanted. Um. I think the bigger question is why 1319 01:18:25,240 --> 01:18:27,320 Speaker 1: have we allowed this to be a state of being. 1320 01:18:28,400 --> 01:18:30,960 Speaker 1: I think this also reiterates the feeling of guilt for 1321 01:18:31,080 --> 01:18:33,559 Speaker 1: not having sex, whether it's because we think we owe 1322 01:18:33,600 --> 01:18:35,880 Speaker 1: it because they bought me a fancy meal or there's 1323 01:18:36,000 --> 01:18:38,920 Speaker 1: nice and they deserved this right like they earned it somehow, 1324 01:18:39,240 --> 01:18:42,120 Speaker 1: not because I want to or because we don't want 1325 01:18:42,160 --> 01:18:45,400 Speaker 1: to seem like a teeth and I know, ay, this 1326 01:18:45,479 --> 01:18:47,960 Speaker 1: is something you talked about before, feeling guilty for not 1327 01:18:48,040 --> 01:18:52,120 Speaker 1: wanting to actually have sex. And I think that's the incident. 1328 01:18:52,240 --> 01:18:54,760 Speaker 1: What came down to with azeas I'm sorry, was the 1329 01:18:54,800 --> 01:18:58,679 Speaker 1: fact that she kept saying no, but he kept going, 1330 01:18:58,760 --> 01:19:00,599 Speaker 1: and so she finally just let it oh and let 1331 01:19:00,640 --> 01:19:05,439 Speaker 1: it happen essentially, and and that became well, that was 1332 01:19:05,479 --> 01:19:08,439 Speaker 1: just many of us have experienced that. That's just a 1333 01:19:08,479 --> 01:19:12,920 Speaker 1: bad day. I mean, come on, just just get on 1334 01:19:13,040 --> 01:19:15,559 Speaker 1: with it. This is a part of your decision. You 1335 01:19:15,600 --> 01:19:17,639 Speaker 1: went home with him. You knew what he was about, 1336 01:19:17,680 --> 01:19:19,040 Speaker 1: you knew what he was trying to do, and you 1337 01:19:19,080 --> 01:19:21,200 Speaker 1: didn't fight him off, which I know we're going to 1338 01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:24,280 Speaker 1: have that conversation later on. And again for her, she 1339 01:19:24,320 --> 01:19:27,360 Speaker 1: didn't report because she felt guilty that this was something 1340 01:19:27,360 --> 01:19:33,040 Speaker 1: that she had to do and so therefore wasn't his fault. Yeah, 1341 01:19:33,160 --> 01:19:35,400 Speaker 1: the guilt of not wanting to have sex in my 1342 01:19:35,479 --> 01:19:37,640 Speaker 1: last relationship was probably one of the main things that 1343 01:19:37,760 --> 01:19:41,719 Speaker 1: destroyed it on both Like on my end, I felt 1344 01:19:42,240 --> 01:19:45,519 Speaker 1: all the time guilty. Before we wrap up the section 1345 01:19:46,280 --> 01:19:51,240 Speaker 1: on rape culture intersectional aside, I was recently listening to 1346 01:19:51,360 --> 01:19:55,839 Speaker 1: coverage on Donald Trump's wall and there was a montage 1347 01:19:55,840 --> 01:19:59,920 Speaker 1: of his supporters describing why they wanted the wall, why 1348 01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:03,720 Speaker 1: they supported it, and almost all of them said they 1349 01:20:03,720 --> 01:20:07,839 Speaker 1: didn't want their daughter, their wife, their mother to get 1350 01:20:08,080 --> 01:20:12,000 Speaker 1: raped or one of the women interviewed said, I don't 1351 01:20:12,000 --> 01:20:15,160 Speaker 1: want to get raped. Um, I am so tired of 1352 01:20:15,160 --> 01:20:18,800 Speaker 1: hearing this for multiple reasons. If we look at just 1353 01:20:18,960 --> 01:20:22,760 Speaker 1: the data, there's nothing to support this fear unless you 1354 01:20:22,760 --> 01:20:25,680 Speaker 1: want to be real and discuss colonization, conquest, and rape 1355 01:20:25,680 --> 01:20:27,840 Speaker 1: of women as a war tactic, and the fact that 1356 01:20:27,880 --> 01:20:30,519 Speaker 1: women are yes, viewed as property, something that you can 1357 01:20:30,600 --> 01:20:34,000 Speaker 1: use in war, that's different. But if we're looking at this, 1358 01:20:34,320 --> 01:20:37,519 Speaker 1: there is no data. There is data to suggest we 1359 01:20:37,600 --> 01:20:41,400 Speaker 1: already have a problem with sexual assault and rape see 1360 01:20:41,479 --> 01:20:45,880 Speaker 1: the term rape culture, and we aren't doing anything about it. 1361 01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:48,519 Speaker 1: The women and young girls, MN and boys in our 1362 01:20:48,560 --> 01:20:51,599 Speaker 1: life need protection from their husband's, father's, teachers, priest, other 1363 01:20:51,720 --> 01:20:55,360 Speaker 1: American men and women. And I know it's all politics, 1364 01:20:55,920 --> 01:21:01,320 Speaker 1: it's easy scapegoat scary thing, but it makes me so angry. 1365 01:21:01,600 --> 01:21:04,840 Speaker 1: I mean, this happened before the Civil War, where they 1366 01:21:05,000 --> 01:21:09,479 Speaker 1: use ex slaves as predators for no reason other than 1367 01:21:09,600 --> 01:21:12,760 Speaker 1: they needed predators. And so let's go ahead and use 1368 01:21:13,120 --> 01:21:17,639 Speaker 1: these people of color, right exactly. Yeah. And I just 1369 01:21:18,920 --> 01:21:22,880 Speaker 1: if you want to protect women, if you're serious about it, 1370 01:21:24,040 --> 01:21:26,640 Speaker 1: start in our own borders. I mean, you can go 1371 01:21:26,680 --> 01:21:30,400 Speaker 1: as simple as start within families. Yeah. And then on 1372 01:21:30,439 --> 01:21:33,280 Speaker 1: a similar note, we hear something something kind of the 1373 01:21:33,320 --> 01:21:37,080 Speaker 1: same when it comes to policing the bathrooms, especially when 1374 01:21:37,080 --> 01:21:40,160 Speaker 1: it comes to trans people, something like, oh, I don't 1375 01:21:40,160 --> 01:21:42,280 Speaker 1: want my little girl to get molested in the bathroom 1376 01:21:42,400 --> 01:21:47,160 Speaker 1: by a trans person. Again, we have a problem. It 1377 01:21:47,320 --> 01:21:50,200 Speaker 1: is not that, it is not that and That's what 1378 01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:55,360 Speaker 1: makes me realize people don't understand what trans people, trans community, 1379 01:21:55,360 --> 01:21:58,200 Speaker 1: what they're about. It's not about trying to be something else, 1380 01:21:58,240 --> 01:22:00,080 Speaker 1: it is trying to be who they really should have 1381 01:22:00,080 --> 01:22:03,760 Speaker 1: been to begin with. And I know I probably don't 1382 01:22:03,800 --> 01:22:05,320 Speaker 1: have to say this to our audience, but there is 1383 01:22:05,360 --> 01:22:08,599 Speaker 1: no data to back up that that isn't concerned none 1384 01:22:08,680 --> 01:22:12,599 Speaker 1: at all. This is a political move as old as 1385 01:22:12,680 --> 01:22:15,760 Speaker 1: time women interviewed his property. Men in power, mostly my 1386 01:22:15,920 --> 01:22:20,760 Speaker 1: white men don't want anyone decreasing the value of their 1387 01:22:20,800 --> 01:22:24,240 Speaker 1: property or going back to desirability youth and how we 1388 01:22:24,360 --> 01:22:27,639 Speaker 1: value women and girls or don't, or as a way 1389 01:22:27,640 --> 01:22:30,679 Speaker 1: to further punish a marginalized group, imprisoning or launching black 1390 01:22:30,680 --> 01:22:33,360 Speaker 1: man for having sex or even being suspected of having 1391 01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:35,760 Speaker 1: sex or not even but it's a great way to 1392 01:22:35,760 --> 01:22:39,280 Speaker 1: wave up a crowd of men into violence with white women. Actually, 1393 01:22:39,680 --> 01:22:42,120 Speaker 1: I just read today about the Liam Neeson isn't in 1394 01:22:42,320 --> 01:22:45,120 Speaker 1: blaming black men in general after he found out a 1395 01:22:45,120 --> 01:22:47,679 Speaker 1: friend of his had been accosted by a black man, 1396 01:22:48,240 --> 01:22:49,800 Speaker 1: which makes me really sad because I really did like 1397 01:22:49,920 --> 01:22:53,280 Speaker 1: Liam Neeson. And I'm sure there may be more context, 1398 01:22:53,320 --> 01:22:55,360 Speaker 1: but that in itself tells you once again. Even in 1399 01:22:55,400 --> 01:22:59,320 Speaker 1: today's society, we're quick to say, oh, yeah, that minority, 1400 01:22:59,520 --> 01:23:03,240 Speaker 1: they're dead, only the bad people be afraid of them, 1401 01:23:03,360 --> 01:23:07,280 Speaker 1: instead of working on the problem within our own community. 1402 01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:10,479 Speaker 1: Um yeah, women's bodies are reserved for those in power, 1403 01:23:10,640 --> 01:23:14,240 Speaker 1: and those in power legislate those bodies. And that's a 1404 01:23:14,240 --> 01:23:16,599 Speaker 1: whole other thing when making decisions about what women can 1405 01:23:16,600 --> 01:23:19,559 Speaker 1: and cannot do with their bodies. But anyway, I'm very 1406 01:23:19,560 --> 01:23:22,879 Speaker 1: tired of hearing all of that. Um, we have enough problems. 1407 01:23:22,960 --> 01:23:25,600 Speaker 1: Don't make up fake ones that start working on the 1408 01:23:25,640 --> 01:23:28,439 Speaker 1: real thing. Well, well they've already made up the fake one. 1409 01:23:29,040 --> 01:23:36,360 Speaker 1: Build the wall, right, yeah, yes, and we have We 1410 01:23:36,479 --> 01:23:40,839 Speaker 1: have a little bit of advice for you, some resources. Um. 1411 01:23:41,000 --> 01:23:44,799 Speaker 1: One one thing that would be great on a more 1412 01:23:44,800 --> 01:23:51,120 Speaker 1: institutional level, but also personally, more research, um, particularly more 1413 01:23:51,160 --> 01:23:56,479 Speaker 1: inclusive research education, particularly sex education. Be mindful of your media, 1414 01:23:56,479 --> 01:23:59,720 Speaker 1: and especially the media we let our children consume. So 1415 01:23:59,880 --> 01:24:01,360 Speaker 1: I to find the things that you like about your body. 1416 01:24:01,400 --> 01:24:04,000 Speaker 1: If you're ever feeling negative, try to think of some 1417 01:24:04,080 --> 01:24:06,519 Speaker 1: things like, you know what, maybe I don't like my thighs, 1418 01:24:06,520 --> 01:24:09,040 Speaker 1: but I do like this other thing. You know. What's 1419 01:24:09,080 --> 01:24:11,280 Speaker 1: best is to sit with your friends and have a 1420 01:24:11,280 --> 01:24:15,599 Speaker 1: conversation about why this is silly. Yes, yeah, reach out 1421 01:24:15,600 --> 01:24:18,559 Speaker 1: to your support group. I always suggest that a couple 1422 01:24:18,560 --> 01:24:21,719 Speaker 1: of places are working on combating sexualization of young girls, 1423 01:24:21,760 --> 01:24:25,120 Speaker 1: like the Gina Davis Institute on Gender and Media, Spark 1424 01:24:25,320 --> 01:24:28,599 Speaker 1: s p A r K for Every Girl, Campaign Together 1425 01:24:28,640 --> 01:24:33,360 Speaker 1: for Girls, the End Trafficking Project. So there are some 1426 01:24:34,240 --> 01:24:37,120 Speaker 1: things that you can look up or support if this 1427 01:24:37,200 --> 01:24:40,559 Speaker 1: is something that you're really passionate about. And as always, 1428 01:24:40,600 --> 01:24:44,120 Speaker 1: as we end these episodes, please feel free to reach 1429 01:24:44,120 --> 01:24:48,160 Speaker 1: out to us with your stories, um or if you 1430 01:24:48,240 --> 01:24:50,840 Speaker 1: have any questions, if you need resources in your area, 1431 01:24:50,880 --> 01:24:52,720 Speaker 1: we're very happy to help you as well as if 1432 01:24:53,040 --> 01:24:55,519 Speaker 1: you have resources, we'd love to hear that. We want 1433 01:24:55,720 --> 01:24:58,439 Speaker 1: more and more and more resources. Yeah. Or if you're 1434 01:24:59,040 --> 01:25:01,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes people have written in and their community is doing 1435 01:25:01,160 --> 01:25:03,920 Speaker 1: something really interesting but I've never heard it before. That's great. 1436 01:25:04,000 --> 01:25:07,040 Speaker 1: We'd love to share that stuff as well. UM for 1437 01:25:07,120 --> 01:25:11,080 Speaker 1: the D and D fact that the episode to end 1438 01:25:11,080 --> 01:25:16,360 Speaker 1: on our self care bit so I'm carrying around a 1439 01:25:16,520 --> 01:25:22,080 Speaker 1: torso and my bag of holding. You're you have a 1440 01:25:22,200 --> 01:25:27,559 Speaker 1: you have a torso? Yeah? Concerned, I love, truly concerned 1441 01:25:27,600 --> 01:25:29,920 Speaker 1: to anyone who hasn't played D n D. I love 1442 01:25:29,960 --> 01:25:33,280 Speaker 1: how weird that statement must sound. You know that's the 1443 01:25:33,360 --> 01:25:36,280 Speaker 1: weird statement, right, I know, it's strang Okay, okay, keep going. 1444 01:25:36,400 --> 01:25:39,280 Speaker 1: So bag of holding, like if you've seen Harry Potter, 1445 01:25:39,360 --> 01:25:41,600 Speaker 1: it's like Hermiones bag or she can fit all that 1446 01:25:41,640 --> 01:25:44,000 Speaker 1: stuff in there. It's like a little bag, but it 1447 01:25:44,040 --> 01:25:46,400 Speaker 1: can fit a ton of stuff and have a Torso. 1448 01:25:47,240 --> 01:25:52,000 Speaker 1: So what happened was our party was questioning this guy 1449 01:25:52,600 --> 01:25:56,439 Speaker 1: and he wasn't being cooperative. And while this was happening, 1450 01:25:56,439 --> 01:25:58,280 Speaker 1: while we were questioning him, we were attacked by a 1451 01:25:58,280 --> 01:26:03,599 Speaker 1: basilisk like you are, and we wanted to we weren't 1452 01:26:03,640 --> 01:26:09,040 Speaker 1: none questioning him, so we were gonna, you know, put 1453 01:26:09,080 --> 01:26:13,280 Speaker 1: him in the bag of holding. Uh, but he he 1454 01:26:13,400 --> 01:26:16,599 Speaker 1: got turned to stone unfortunately, and his arms and legs 1455 01:26:16,600 --> 01:26:18,920 Speaker 1: were kind of because the batilist he looked in the 1456 01:26:18,960 --> 01:26:24,080 Speaker 1: eye turned him to stone. So I wanted to put 1457 01:26:24,160 --> 01:26:27,599 Speaker 1: him in my bag of holding. And also to any 1458 01:26:27,640 --> 01:26:30,640 Speaker 1: nerds out there, he was in stone because if you 1459 01:26:30,640 --> 01:26:32,720 Speaker 1: put a living creature in the bag of holding, they 1460 01:26:32,800 --> 01:26:35,080 Speaker 1: die in ten minutes. But he was stoned, so he 1461 01:26:35,120 --> 01:26:38,920 Speaker 1: was going to be fine, but uh, we couldn't fit 1462 01:26:39,000 --> 01:26:44,040 Speaker 1: him in because his arms and legs, so we broke 1463 01:26:44,120 --> 01:26:46,640 Speaker 1: off his arms and legs. I'm starting to think this 1464 01:26:46,680 --> 01:26:48,640 Speaker 1: is just like a Choose your Adventure book that you 1465 01:26:48,640 --> 01:26:52,479 Speaker 1: guys are reading out loud with some dice something like that, 1466 01:26:52,479 --> 01:26:55,720 Speaker 1: that's too far. But yeah, we broke off his arms 1467 01:26:55,720 --> 01:26:57,280 Speaker 1: and legs and put him in my bag of holding. 1468 01:26:57,280 --> 01:26:59,160 Speaker 1: He's still in there. We've mostly forgotten abou him, but 1469 01:26:59,160 --> 01:27:01,840 Speaker 1: occasionally I remember or oh, yeah, there was a Torso 1470 01:27:01,960 --> 01:27:04,960 Speaker 1: in here, stone Torso. But if we ever like turn 1471 01:27:05,040 --> 01:27:10,719 Speaker 1: him not into stone, he's gonna awake screaming, bleeding. Probably 1472 01:27:11,000 --> 01:27:13,320 Speaker 1: I'm going to bleed. I don't know if you does 1473 01:27:13,400 --> 01:27:15,920 Speaker 1: it like okay, Well, I don't know the physics of 1474 01:27:16,000 --> 01:27:20,200 Speaker 1: breaking off magically breaking off stone arm that turns back 1475 01:27:20,240 --> 01:27:23,439 Speaker 1: into human. I don't know, but maybe we'll find out. 1476 01:27:23,920 --> 01:27:26,280 Speaker 1: I feel like after your stuff, I have no real 1477 01:27:26,360 --> 01:27:29,760 Speaker 1: good facts to add because mine is not in depth. 1478 01:27:33,360 --> 01:27:35,599 Speaker 1: I can't talk about Peaches being in a bag. I mean, 1479 01:27:35,640 --> 01:27:38,960 Speaker 1: that's not a thing, but I will talk about my 1480 01:27:39,000 --> 01:27:43,719 Speaker 1: dog all day. Again, mine doesn't hold a candle to yours, 1481 01:27:44,040 --> 01:27:49,479 Speaker 1: but whatever, um I will say. If anyone that would 1482 01:27:49,479 --> 01:27:52,599 Speaker 1: like to meet Peaches, please be aware she gets so 1483 01:27:52,640 --> 01:27:55,719 Speaker 1: excited and wants to impress you so much that she peace. 1484 01:27:56,160 --> 01:27:57,880 Speaker 1: I think she did that with you first time, didn't 1485 01:27:57,880 --> 01:28:01,080 Speaker 1: she Yeah? And I was like, and then I figured 1486 01:28:01,080 --> 01:28:04,120 Speaker 1: out what was happening. And apparently this is not a 1487 01:28:04,120 --> 01:28:06,240 Speaker 1: new thing for a lot of dogs. So I try 1488 01:28:06,280 --> 01:28:09,240 Speaker 1: to get her to meet people outside, but she still 1489 01:28:09,240 --> 01:28:13,599 Speaker 1: pieces everywhere. I don't quite understand it. I guess again, 1490 01:28:13,920 --> 01:28:16,760 Speaker 1: they get so excited. And to be fair myself, when 1491 01:28:16,800 --> 01:28:18,639 Speaker 1: I get really excited about something and if I already 1492 01:28:18,640 --> 01:28:20,960 Speaker 1: need to be is over, I'm just playing. I'm just 1493 01:28:22,240 --> 01:28:25,400 Speaker 1: kind of kind of but yeah, that's her thing as 1494 01:28:25,400 --> 01:28:27,679 Speaker 1: well as the fact like she's also going to try 1495 01:28:27,680 --> 01:28:30,519 Speaker 1: to eat your face because she's gonna jump towards your face, 1496 01:28:30,880 --> 01:28:32,280 Speaker 1: and I wanted to eat your face is more of 1497 01:28:32,320 --> 01:28:35,519 Speaker 1: like smell your face to see what she can see 1498 01:28:35,520 --> 01:28:38,320 Speaker 1: in your face, like food and if you have beard, 1499 01:28:38,439 --> 01:28:40,680 Speaker 1: oh my god, she's gonna start looking at your beard 1500 01:28:40,680 --> 01:28:42,439 Speaker 1: because she knows you got fit food hidden in there. 1501 01:28:44,200 --> 01:28:47,920 Speaker 1: You know, that's just facts. That's just facts. So if 1502 01:28:47,960 --> 01:28:50,040 Speaker 1: you ever meet my dog, be prepared for all of 1503 01:28:50,080 --> 01:28:55,040 Speaker 1: those things. Yeah. Yeah, what a way to impress someone. 1504 01:28:56,240 --> 01:28:59,639 Speaker 1: What about you, listeners, what are you doing for self care. 1505 01:28:59,720 --> 01:29:02,920 Speaker 1: Do you have any questions for us about all of this, 1506 01:29:03,680 --> 01:29:06,200 Speaker 1: If so, please send them our way. We're thinking about 1507 01:29:06,240 --> 01:29:08,559 Speaker 1: doing a Q and A episode if enough of you 1508 01:29:08,680 --> 01:29:11,280 Speaker 1: right in, and also maybe an in person meet up 1509 01:29:11,320 --> 01:29:13,400 Speaker 1: where you can talk to us about all of these things, 1510 01:29:13,960 --> 01:29:15,360 Speaker 1: UM and D and D. I'll talk about D and 1511 01:29:15,439 --> 01:29:18,040 Speaker 1: D all day and I just I just want to 1512 01:29:18,040 --> 01:29:20,040 Speaker 1: hang out with people so I can say I have friends. 1513 01:29:21,240 --> 01:29:23,920 Speaker 1: I say, look, mom, see I have friends. This is 1514 01:29:23,960 --> 01:29:26,600 Speaker 1: all approved to your mom. Ye have friends in my 1515 01:29:26,680 --> 01:29:32,200 Speaker 1: living room with peaches, eating beggie chips, watching Parson Rick 1516 01:29:32,240 --> 01:29:35,920 Speaker 1: all day long, repeatedly. That was very specific. But I 1517 01:29:35,920 --> 01:29:43,640 Speaker 1: believe that you don't do I don't do that. Perhaps perhaps, 1518 01:29:44,520 --> 01:29:47,000 Speaker 1: but if you would like to your email as you can. 1519 01:29:47,080 --> 01:29:49,599 Speaker 1: Our email is mom Stuff and has stuff works dot com. 1520 01:29:49,680 --> 01:29:52,400 Speaker 1: You can also find us on Twitter at mom Stuff 1521 01:29:52,400 --> 01:29:54,920 Speaker 1: Podcasts and on Instagram at Stuff I've Never Told You. 1522 01:29:55,320 --> 01:30:00,080 Speaker 1: Thanks as always to our producer Andrew, and thanks to 1523 01:30:00,240 --> 01:30:07,360 Speaker 1: you for listening. M