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Speaker 1: This week's episode is sponsored by she Leaves Network behind

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Speaker 1: every Successful Woman as a tribe of other successful women

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Speaker 1: in the show Knows below. This is part of one

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Speaker 1: of this week's episode and it can be triggering for many.

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Speaker 1: As always, thank you so much for supporting the Kid

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Speaker 1: and until next time everyone later, Welcome you are now

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Speaker 1: listening tosional. Hey, Professional Home Girls. It is the Kid

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Speaker 1: of a Name from the PSG podcast, the only place

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Speaker 1: where you would hear interviews from black women an honestly

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Speaker 1: on stories that will enlightened and expand on taboo topics. Now,

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Speaker 1: my book list, so please make sure you visit the

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Speaker 1: link in the show notes below. You can connect with

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Speaker 1: the kid on Instagram at the Professional home Girl and

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Speaker 1: by supporting the PSD podcast Patreon account. To support, please

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Speaker 1: visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward slash the psc

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Speaker 1: podcast now. Please keep in mind that all of my

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Speaker 1: guests are Anonness. So let's again this week's episode. I

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Speaker 1: am super excited to speak for my guest today. She

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Speaker 1: is a motivational speaker, author and advocates a vibra for incests,

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Speaker 1: rape and domestic balance. She is here to share her

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Speaker 1: story and how she found her purpose through her pain

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Speaker 1: and I like to say thank you so much for

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Speaker 1: being a part of the show. So, so, my guests,

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Speaker 1: how are you doing? I'm doing good? How are you all?

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Speaker 1: Is cute? I am tired. We was keep king before

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Speaker 1: the call, y'all talking about how tired we were, but overall,

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Speaker 1: I really can't com plan. I took a half a

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Speaker 1: day today to go get a little face show our

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Speaker 1: prep for this conversation. And it just worked on my

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Speaker 1: business pretty much. It the same old, same off. Well,

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Speaker 1: that's really good and thank you for this opportunity. Absolutely.

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Speaker 1: Was it hard for you to write your book about

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Speaker 1: your childhood? Um, honestly no. The reason why I say

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Speaker 1: that because you know, I've always wrote it down on

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Speaker 1: a piece of paper. I always wrote it down. Almost

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Speaker 1: every day, I will write it down and say to myself,

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Speaker 1: one day this is gonna be a book. M hm.

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Speaker 1: So what were some of the reactions you received from

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Speaker 1: your family and friends once your book was published and

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Speaker 1: you became more vocal about the story. My goodness, I know,

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Speaker 1: I know they yes, they were so mad. I received

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Speaker 1: so much badglash. I started getting phone calls saying, are

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Speaker 1: you lying like that? You lying and you b I

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Speaker 1: T c H just calling me I'll come the names

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Speaker 1: and calling me, you know, telling me you'll Then I

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Speaker 1: explored and I knew what I was doing. I was

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Speaker 1: provoking men, and um, so I was that these costs

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Speaker 1: are coming from the men that sexually abuse you. It

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Speaker 1: was coming from their partners. Um, it was coming from

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Speaker 1: my family members and friends. Of the family. So we

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Speaker 1: came from Yes, I got that glass from my family member.

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Speaker 1: Like I said, um friends, some friends from the family,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't know that that would be part of

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Speaker 1: you know, breaking the sournce mm hmm. But I found

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Speaker 1: out and realized real quick. Almost remuted because of that

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Speaker 1: because it was just too much. Mm hmmm. Why do

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Speaker 1: you think that was going so hard? Like do you

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Speaker 1: think like why do you think they was the nighted? Because, Um,

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Speaker 1: I was told that my aunt said that, you know,

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Speaker 1: people were saying that she could go to jail and

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Speaker 1: and that I was telling the lie. And I really

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Speaker 1: don't know why. I guess because you know, I had

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Speaker 1: broken silence and that was released off of me and

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Speaker 1: it turned around and they didn't want that that on them,

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Speaker 1: that shame, blame and just all of that on them.

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Speaker 1: So and yeah, yeah, yeah, one really it should have

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Speaker 1: because I mean, I wasn't protected at all. I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna lie. It was very difficult for me to read

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Speaker 1: your book like it's normally it takes me like a

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Speaker 1: day to read a book, especially when there's a certain

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Speaker 1: amount of pages, not even a day of a couple

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Speaker 1: of hours. But I'm gonna trained I'm like, God, I

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Speaker 1: can't read this like it was just and I saw

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Speaker 1: kissing next to me. It was just too much for me.

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Speaker 1: So I can only imagine how hard it or besides

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Speaker 1: you experiencing, if I can only imagine how hard it

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Speaker 1: is for somebody to say that you're lying about all

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Speaker 1: these years of abuse, you know, all the years of abuse. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it was, you know, Um, it was very yes, that

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Speaker 1: because there's a lot of trauma to go through from

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Speaker 1: the age of five until you know, I hate domestic violence,

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Speaker 1: and that's just a lot of trauma. And a lot

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Speaker 1: of people have said that, you know, some people have said,

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Speaker 1: you know, maybe you've just gone through so much and

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Speaker 1: I just it's just break my heart reading it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it broke my heart what you've gone through. Mean to

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Speaker 1: you like you were failed, you were not protected. Where

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Speaker 1: we're where were your people? Yo? That's one of my

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Speaker 1: questions I have. I was like, where what was the

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Speaker 1: growing ups? Like? Where was everybody yet? Because it's just

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Speaker 1: I just really couldn't just wrap my mind around how

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Speaker 1: you were just taking away by these men and they

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Speaker 1: just had their way, Like I really just don't even

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Speaker 1: understand how that was even possible. Uh, because my aunt

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Speaker 1: Chie didn't know about the the first two men and everything.

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Speaker 1: I bothered you, and people say, why didn't you say something?

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Speaker 1: Because I always feel like that's the number one question

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Speaker 1: people ask survivors, which I feel like it's kind of insensitive. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it bothers me a lot. And also you was you

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Speaker 1: was a child, right, I was a child, and when

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Speaker 1: I did say something, when I did speak up and

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Speaker 1: speak out at the age of five, I was not protected.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't believed, and I was just failed. So my

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Speaker 1: voice muted then from not being protected and not getting

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Speaker 1: the help that I needed when the proof was there.

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Speaker 1: So yes, when it comes to sexual abuse with their families,

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Speaker 1: why do you think it's kept us a secret? I

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Speaker 1: think it's kept as a secret because you know, some

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Speaker 1: of them have gone through it themselves and right, and

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Speaker 1: you know, bringing that back up and oh this happened

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Speaker 1: to her, Oh we couldn't say that, you know, I

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Speaker 1: guess you know how it is in certain communities, especially

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Speaker 1: in the black community. What happens in the family stays

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Speaker 1: in the family, with those dark secrets and everything. So

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Speaker 1: that's what I feel, you know. I had done an

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Speaker 1: interview with um My first guest, she shared her family

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Speaker 1: history of molestation, and then I had the privilege of

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Speaker 1: interview or her mom. And it's literally a generational curse

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Speaker 1: because they went through the same three things within their

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Speaker 1: families and outside their families, which was like yeah, right,

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Speaker 1: and it speaking. I love speaking to older women, So

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Speaker 1: when I had to test speak to her mom, I'm

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Speaker 1: just like wow, Like it's just it's just so heartbreaking

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Speaker 1: how people want to protect these people that's causing harm

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Speaker 1: which can later grow into a possibility of them causing

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Speaker 1: her right, And it's very sick, man, I mean people

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Speaker 1: do that. I mean, it's something's happened to my mom's

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Speaker 1: whales old. You're right, some of the things that are

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Speaker 1: like a generational thing, it's like a generational paris to

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Speaker 1: recycle that has to be broken and everything. And my

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Speaker 1: mom says she wasn't you know, she never told anybody

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Speaker 1: because she was scared mm hmm. And I don't know

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Speaker 1: if it happened to my grandmother, but um said it

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Speaker 1: happened to her. And I want this stuff to stop. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: did it happen to your mom by somebody in the family.

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Speaker 1: She said, it didn't happened to from like a few uncles,

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Speaker 1: a few family members, and just people in in the

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Speaker 1: community her growing up and everything. And you know, it's

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Speaker 1: like I said, she said, she never told anybody. She

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Speaker 1: never said anything. And I know when you have conversations

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Speaker 1: with your mom, because now you're a mom, I know,

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Speaker 1: it has to be a point where you look at

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Speaker 1: look at your mom as a woman, and you probably

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Speaker 1: had to, like you start to really understand some of

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Speaker 1: the things that she went through in the way that

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Speaker 1: she was with her children. What do you mean, Because

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Speaker 1: I feel like when I was reading reading your story,

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Speaker 1: it's so easy for people be like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: why was this girl not protected by her mom? Or

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Speaker 1: how was this girl able? Why was this girl um

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Speaker 1: in these situations that her mom was there. But then

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Speaker 1: when you started diving more into your mom and you

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Speaker 1: spoke about how she had a mental illness, and then

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Speaker 1: you get in the backstory about how you know your

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Speaker 1: mom was also it's a survivor of sexual abuse. It's

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Speaker 1: like things are starting to add up and she didn't

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Speaker 1: have a fair shot, right, right, That's right, that's true

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Speaker 1: because um, I actually had to read edit my book

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Speaker 1: because I didn't know some of the things that I

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Speaker 1: know nim about my mom until I started, like you said,

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Speaker 1: diving diving deep in and talking to my mom and

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Speaker 1: having that conversation with her and finding out, you know,

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Speaker 1: that a lot of the things that happened to me

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Speaker 1: has happened to my mom and which created mental illness

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Speaker 1: from the trauma that she you know, suffered and endured

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Speaker 1: all that, um, trauma. And it's just because trauma causes

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Speaker 1: mental illness. Yeah, mental illness. I mean, you know, it's

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Speaker 1: really an evil spirit mm hmm and um, and it

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Speaker 1: missed with my mom and it tends to have like

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Speaker 1: mental illness like bipolar and schizophrenic and things. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I can only imagine, you know. I don't want to

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Speaker 1: up ahead, but I know you were sharing the story

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Speaker 1: in your book how she went to prison, because it's

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Speaker 1: like she kind of like black that was cutting cutting

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Speaker 1: her guy frown up right? She did, No, she she did.

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Speaker 1: But I just felt like, um, they sent her to

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Speaker 1: the priest when he was beating on her. He should

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Speaker 1: have been the one to have gone to prison, you know,

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Speaker 1: she didn't. She was failed by the system being as

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Speaker 1: well because he beat her with a broom into the broom,

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Speaker 1: broken half on her, and so she started she snapped,

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Speaker 1: and she blanked out and just started cutting him up.

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Speaker 1: And she spent years in prison. And I was taken

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Speaker 1: from my mom again. You know what I was growing up.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if you had chances to my story,

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Speaker 1: but I was a physically abutied child, and I remember

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Speaker 1: seeing my mom getting beat up on by men and stuff.

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Speaker 1: So how did that make you feel? Because you have

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Speaker 1: seen in your childhood like some crazy situations where, like

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Speaker 1: I know, it had to like scare the ship out

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Speaker 1: of you. Yeah it did. I I just felt so

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Speaker 1: so hurd. I wanted to protect my mama, but it

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Speaker 1: was nothing that I could do because I was a

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Speaker 1: child and and seeing watch your beat and jumped on

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Speaker 1: by me, and it just really hurt. Yeah. I can

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Speaker 1: only imagine. I mean I experienced it that part too,

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Speaker 1: because I only imagine how it made you feel, Like,

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Speaker 1: how did that make you feel? For me? I I'm

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Speaker 1: looking back at it now. I was definitely like frightened.

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Speaker 1: Like I don't think I ever seen like from when

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Speaker 1: I've never seen people like you see people fighting, neighborhood whatever.

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Speaker 1: But you know, sometimes it would be it won't be

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Speaker 1: as brutal as what I see. It happened to my

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Speaker 1: mom's UK point where you see blood, you know, right,

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Speaker 1: So I think that now that I'm older, I because

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Speaker 1: we don't have a relationship, but I know I think

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Speaker 1: that now that I'm older and i'm you know, I'm

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Speaker 1: a woman. I'm not telling you more like I do

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Speaker 1: understand why she is the way that she is because

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Speaker 1: of the things that she's been through in her past.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't give it an excuse for how she treated me,

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Speaker 1: but it makes it more I can process it better,

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Speaker 1: if that makes sense. Right. So I know that you

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Speaker 1: are a survivor of incests. Would you say that that's

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Speaker 1: pretty common within your family? Would you say that's pretty

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Speaker 1: common with them our community? Yes, it's pretty common. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it happens a lot and crazy and um, it's just

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Speaker 1: some six stuff that your own family member is doing

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Speaker 1: to you and your cousins with his cousins, uncles, brothers.

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Speaker 1: So you know, it's just it's just some six stuff

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Speaker 1: and it's not okay. And I feel like you would

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Speaker 1: think by now that people would speak just a little

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Speaker 1: bit more about it or do you think it's starting

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Speaker 1: to people are starting to share more like on it.

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Speaker 1: I think they are starting. She had more light on

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Speaker 1: it um and there are a lot of sport groups

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Speaker 1: on Facebook for like you know, INSISTS support groups, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of people are breaking the silence on INSISTS

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Speaker 1: and shedding the light and talking about it. And also

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Speaker 1: in your book, you spoke about your cousin who died

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Speaker 1: from AIDS and that one of your cousins used to

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Speaker 1: have sex with her as well. Yes, growing up, but

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Speaker 1: he would have um sex with her, coming and at

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Speaker 1: the house and have sex with her. She was a

250
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Speaker 1: she was just a young kid herself, and he was

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Speaker 1: old enough to know, but not to do those things

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Speaker 1: that he needs to her, manipulate her and have sex

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Speaker 1: with her. And yes, And also I thought it was

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Speaker 1: like it was also heartbreaking that read about how she

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Speaker 1: u how she died right she um got gang raped

256
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Speaker 1: by some guys and from Greenwood, Mississippi, and they ended

257
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Speaker 1: eats and and she just it's just say, you know,

258
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Speaker 1: the things that she went through. I went through a

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Speaker 1: lot of things that I went through, you know, with

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Speaker 1: the grown me and having six with a kid, with

261
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Speaker 1: the rape. But my family, of course, some of them

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Speaker 1: say it's not I willingly gave it up, and I

263
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Speaker 1: was just being fast and that I wasn't raped or

264
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Speaker 1: I wasn't listed, but I was, and so was my

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Speaker 1: cousin that passed away. Do you feel like you're also

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Speaker 1: sharing her story the more you share your story, Yes, yes,

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Speaker 1: because I talked a lot it more. Yes, And she

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Speaker 1: wasn't protected and she didn't get the help that she

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Speaker 1: knew it mm hmm. I also feel like because something

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Speaker 1: the South to him, we was keeaking about that before

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Speaker 1: our conversation. I've growing up. I also feel like a

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Speaker 1: lot of older people didn't say anything when they would

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Speaker 1: see young girls for older man because that was very

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Speaker 1: common when I was growing up, and it was very

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Speaker 1: common to when I was growing up. No, they weren't.

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Speaker 1: And you're the same age group, which is so crazy

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Speaker 1: to me because people would see you out and I'm

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Speaker 1: not saying nothing, right, I don't know why, but that

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Speaker 1: mentality that they had, in the mentality that they have

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Speaker 1: that is not okay for a grown man to have,

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Speaker 1: you know, a child with him. Are nobody's asking questions.

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Speaker 1: Some people just don't care that. Some people just don't care. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so before you're moving with your aunt, what was it

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Speaker 1: like growing up with your mom? Because I know you're

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Speaker 1: the oldest had a fourth siblings and she had to

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Speaker 1: at sixteen. She had me at sixteen years old, and

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Speaker 1: it was like, I remember fine days, you know with

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Speaker 1: my mom, and I really I remember a little bit

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Speaker 1: because um I was little. I just remember me being

290
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Speaker 1: happy and a stand apartment complex and that was pretty

291
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Speaker 1: much it because I was taken like when I was five,

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Speaker 1: so I really can't remember like so much. I remember

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Speaker 1: certain things and certain things I don't remember, but I

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Speaker 1: just remember that my mom used to take me to

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Speaker 1: the store and I just used to love being with

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Speaker 1: my mom. I always wanted to be with my mom.

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Speaker 1: And I know at the age of five and six,

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Speaker 1: you and your siblings were split up. We got spleep

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Speaker 1: up because of the fight she had with the nigga

300
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Speaker 1: that was beating her up. I because I don't know

301
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Speaker 1: if it was because I was, you know, raped, and

302
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Speaker 1: I saw my mom she couldn't take care of us,

303
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Speaker 1: like knowing that my mom was battling her own them

304
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Speaker 1: to illnesses. And she was a kid. She was a kid, right,

305
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Speaker 1: She was a kid with a kid is sixteen, so

306
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Speaker 1: she wasn't ready for any kids and she didn't have

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Speaker 1: that guidance and that you know, their role model that

308
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Speaker 1: um back in the days, that mentality that the old

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Speaker 1: folks had had that they have them is just just

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Speaker 1: missed up. So h you know, I don't blame my

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Speaker 1: mom for anything. I don't follow her, and I'll tell

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Speaker 1: my aunt, I don't blame her. I don't. I'll just

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Speaker 1: say I wasn't protected. I blame the men and everything,

314
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Speaker 1: and the men. You know my mom's in as well.

315
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Speaker 1: And you were raped that five years old by man

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Speaker 1: that was in his thirties at your grandmother's house. At

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Speaker 1: that age, did you know what was happening to you? No,

318
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Speaker 1: I didn't know what rate was. I didn't understand what

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00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,080
Speaker 1: it was. And I just knew that that man was

320
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Speaker 1: on me and that he shouldn't have been on me

321
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Speaker 1: and inside of me. I didn't know what the word

322
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Speaker 1: rate meant. I had never heard of it before. And

323
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Speaker 1: how did he know that you were left behind? Because

324
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,480
Speaker 1: I know everybody else and your family went to your

325
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,879
Speaker 1: great grandmother's house across the street, across the railroad, right

326
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:31,520
Speaker 1: across the railroad trade. Um he was still there. So

327
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Speaker 1: when my grandmother and I believe my aunt was there, um,

328
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,159
Speaker 1: they was a friend of the family. Yes, he was

329
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,560
Speaker 1: a friend of the family. So he stayed there, so

330
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Speaker 1: he knew what he was gonna do. He didn't leave,

331
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Speaker 1: He stayed there, stayed while standing up and a kid,

332
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Speaker 1: you know how hard it is to try to fight

333
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,199
Speaker 1: your sleep, so you sleep, and so you just fall asleep,

334
00:20:53,280 --> 00:20:56,840
Speaker 1: even if you're trying to fight it. And so when

335
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:58,600
Speaker 1: I want to sleep, next thing I know, I felt

336
00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:02,640
Speaker 1: something body on top of me with his hand over

337
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:06,040
Speaker 1: my mouth, you know, stripping my clothes off and him

338
00:21:06,119 --> 00:21:13,560
Speaker 1: forcing himself in me. Yeah. Yeah, I mean I was girl,

339
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,040
Speaker 1: and I was reading that part. I was just like,

340
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, Like I'm surprised nobody didn't try to Like, well,

341
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:19,679
Speaker 1: I think you said your uncle trying to beat him

342
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,560
Speaker 1: up or something, or yes, my mom said my uncle

343
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: tries to beat him up. And but I just don't understand.

344
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,800
Speaker 1: You know, why he didn't get locked up because he

345
00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:31,440
Speaker 1: said that he didn't do it, but the proof was there. Yeah,

346
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:36,399
Speaker 1: you have to learn how to rewalk. You have to

347
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:42,000
Speaker 1: learn how to rewalk again. Yeah, and you said that

348
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,240
Speaker 1: they were trying to lock your mom up. I'm just

349
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:45,960
Speaker 1: so confused. Why did they try to lock him up?

350
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:49,680
Speaker 1: Because the evidence was there. The evidence was there. My

351
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,920
Speaker 1: mom said that they said that nobody I guess nobody

352
00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:59,400
Speaker 1: was watching me are that. I don't know what they're saying,

353
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,680
Speaker 1: that it was my mom on phone or what they're saying,

354
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,639
Speaker 1: but the proof and the evidence was there. I was

355
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,119
Speaker 1: My mom said, I was so damaged down there. The

356
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,280
Speaker 1: doctor said that I wouldn't even be able to have kids,

357
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 1: that I was so damaged. Mm hmm. And torn. I mean,

358
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:18,600
Speaker 1: I can imagine you're five years old, Oh my god.

359
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,120
Speaker 1: And you also say you ran into him at piece

360
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:23,679
Speaker 1: of Hood, ran into him at piece of Hood. As

361
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,879
Speaker 1: I got older, and I asked them, why did he

362
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,360
Speaker 1: do that to me? He said, I didn't do nothing

363
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,160
Speaker 1: to you. I don't know why y'all folks keep telling

364
00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:35,159
Speaker 1: you that I didn't do nothing. But you know, you

365
00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:39,920
Speaker 1: know when somebody does something to you, you you know, yes,

366
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,159
Speaker 1: you were not. Certain things you just do not forget,

367
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:50,240
Speaker 1: especially being touched mm hmm. And because you also described

368
00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 1: like like you remember physical things about Lafe. He had

369
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,920
Speaker 1: like a scratch or something about this or something, and

370
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:57,879
Speaker 1: you're just not gonna ever forget. Right, he has a

371
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 1: scar above his eye. He had that scar and when

372
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: I've seen that, man, I I started panicking, but I

373
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:10,200
Speaker 1: had the courage enough to ask him those things. Why

374
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 1: did he do what he did to me? And he

375
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,000
Speaker 1: said he did not do that and he doesn't know why.

376
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,680
Speaker 1: But I know he did what he did to me,

377
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:22,320
Speaker 1: and he did it and he just walked away. He

378
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:27,040
Speaker 1: sat down and he ate pieces. Wow like it was

379
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 1: nothing like, it was nothing like, it was nothing my

380
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,040
Speaker 1: mind and locked up in praising all those years when

381
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:41,000
Speaker 1: he should have been in praising all those years. Um hmm.

382
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,840
Speaker 1: Looking back, what were some things that you know that's

383
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:49,680
Speaker 1: changed about you? That I don't let my past get

384
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,160
Speaker 1: to me. I don't you know. I have moments where

385
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,520
Speaker 1: I worked down and cry, but I I don't stay

386
00:23:55,560 --> 00:24:01,800
Speaker 1: stuck in the past. I am doing things. I'm talking

387
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 1: to people and I am just trying to lital wife. Right,

388
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 1: What did you know about you that changed? Looking back

389
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 1: when he was five years old after the assault, because

390
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,520
Speaker 1: you remember, I remember you kept saying how he was

391
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,600
Speaker 1: like happy and you was just like you just like

392
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:24,480
Speaker 1: to have fun. So what changed about you after that?

393
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,720
Speaker 1: The moment that he raped me, the moment like when

394
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,639
Speaker 1: the emulance right there, when the emulance came. There was

395
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,800
Speaker 1: a shift in my brain. I never forget that shift.

396
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 1: My brain went from I went the kid is playful

397
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:46,520
Speaker 1: little kids to this press. I of course I didn't

398
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,000
Speaker 1: know what the press was, but I knew I was

399
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:51,560
Speaker 1: sad um and there was a shift in my brain

400
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 1: that I became someone else. I shout, I literally shut down.

401
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:02,280
Speaker 1: I just shut down completely. So, and that has been

402
00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:05,119
Speaker 1: with me for a long time. And I'm just now

403
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:12,119
Speaker 1: you know, myself, and I'm thirty three years old and

404
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:16,320
Speaker 1: I'm just now, you know, just moving forward and not

405
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:20,280
Speaker 1: being stuck in the past. So I was shocked all

406
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,240
Speaker 1: all that trauma that happened to me, all those things

407
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:26,320
Speaker 1: that he did to me, you know, changed my life.

408
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:31,520
Speaker 1: It really changed me. Mm hmm. Do you think that

409
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:36,200
Speaker 1: you should have received counselor after you were I felt

410
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:38,920
Speaker 1: like I should have now, I do, you know? Of course,

411
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:43,360
Speaker 1: and mag me and I didn't know nothing about right,

412
00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:46,440
Speaker 1: So I felt like, yes, I needed count. I feel

413
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:50,479
Speaker 1: like I needed therapy. I needed I didn't have any support.

414
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,920
Speaker 1: I didn't I didn't do it. I didn't have any support.

415
00:25:55,040 --> 00:26:01,320
Speaker 1: And being taken away and I know it's gonna cut

416
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:05,400
Speaker 1: some people, but I was just on a I'm gonna

417
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 1: be a co author in his latest book, and we

418
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 1: were talking and when I was adopted by my aunt

419
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:17,120
Speaker 1: and the abuse it didn't stop. It never stopped. Yeah,

420
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:20,680
Speaker 1: because one of her boyfriends started to have sex with you.

421
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:24,200
Speaker 1: And he was thirty. Well before that, I was sixty.

422
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:26,600
Speaker 1: I was six when my aunt got me. I say

423
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,000
Speaker 1: five or six when it happened, but I believe I

424
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,119
Speaker 1: was five when I was raised. I believe I was

425
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,440
Speaker 1: six when my aunt adopted me, and my laby brother

426
00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 1: and her son who's down the seas. He started to me,

427
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 1: touching me and oh, I know she's gonna hear this podcast,

428
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:49,040
Speaker 1: and um, but it's the truth of a name, right,

429
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:57,200
Speaker 1: And I say, I've always said insist. But as memories

430
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,119
Speaker 1: come back to me every day, I have, you know,

431
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 1: vivid dream that I have flashbacks. And I thought I

432
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,480
Speaker 1: was gonna, you know, be safe, but I wasn't because

433
00:27:08,520 --> 00:27:13,240
Speaker 1: I was put in the hand of another pedophile and

434
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,280
Speaker 1: and he started doing those things to me. He started

435
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 1: fundling it in my panties, and he started placing my

436
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:24,120
Speaker 1: foot on his penis till he masturbated and doing those things.

437
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,800
Speaker 1: But my voice was muted, and I was scared, and

438
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:31,639
Speaker 1: I was scared to speak out ever again because I

439
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:36,000
Speaker 1: never wanted said on me that if I told somebody,

440
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:39,720
Speaker 1: I would be called a liar again when I knew

441
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 1: I told the truth. Mm hmm. And I think it's

442
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:47,040
Speaker 1: only natural. I think it's only natural for you to

443
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:50,560
Speaker 1: feel that you're gonna feel safe with another, like with

444
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,159
Speaker 1: your aunt. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that,

445
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,320
Speaker 1: because you honestly thought that Who would have thought that

446
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:59,399
Speaker 1: that would have happened at your aunt's house that you'd

447
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:04,639
Speaker 1: probably been going into for those five years or six years, right,

448
00:28:05,119 --> 00:28:08,520
Speaker 1: you always had a good time over there, right, like

449
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,639
Speaker 1: because we will be at my great grandmother's house. So

450
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:16,800
Speaker 1: it's just family together, is you know how family got together?

451
00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:23,920
Speaker 1: Get together and everything. But um, it just oh and

452
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,719
Speaker 1: that's that's actually the first time I've ever said their

453
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,040
Speaker 1: own podcast ever, the first time I've ever said it.

454
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,160
Speaker 1: It's how I guess I'm trying to ask you because

455
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:36,639
Speaker 1: like you know, I've been through like a lot of

456
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,160
Speaker 1: things that's like very traumatizing. And when I was a child,

457
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:44,200
Speaker 1: and you know, I didn't notice, but like uh, memory block,

458
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 1: it is real and like I realized when I was

459
00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:51,120
Speaker 1: going through therapy that I had I guess as a

460
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,680
Speaker 1: chow and I got older, I blocked certain things that

461
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,320
Speaker 1: happened to me, so I don't remember unless I see

462
00:28:56,400 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 1: something or if something reminds me of that incident, I'm like, oh,

463
00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:01,280
Speaker 1: my God, does not forget that? Like, do you ever

464
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 1: go through that? Because I can only imagine the certain

465
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 1: thing that you have to block out of your memory

466
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,960
Speaker 1: for you to push forward. Yes, I yes, a lot

467
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:14,000
Speaker 1: um because there's a lot of things that were blocked

468
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 1: out and then come up until I got o way

469
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,760
Speaker 1: later on in my teenage, even in like my twenty years.

470
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:26,720
Speaker 1: And actually there was a moment today that I've seen

471
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:31,600
Speaker 1: a house that reminded me of a house, you know,

472
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:36,440
Speaker 1: And yeah, that moment right there, I hadn't been thinking

473
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 1: about that, but when I seen in that house that

474
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:42,240
Speaker 1: it reminded me of the same house where I had

475
00:29:42,360 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 1: been where one of the men had been taking me

476
00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:48,480
Speaker 1: to and having six for me. This is the grandson,

477
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 1: right the corner store, the owner. Yes, that's the corner store,

478
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 1: the neighborhood, the candy store. Grandson. He had been taking

479
00:29:56,760 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 1: me to like different people houses to have six to me.

480
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:06,040
Speaker 1: And I actually seen a house today and I had

481
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:12,280
Speaker 1: a flashback. Mm hmmre My, y'all, you were eleven years

482
00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:14,560
Speaker 1: old and this man was in his thirties and he

483
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 1: would come to your own house and sneak you out

484
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 1: the window, stink me out the window. He would knock

485
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:22,360
Speaker 1: and pick at the window. Sometimes I can feel him,

486
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:28,080
Speaker 1: like at the window, I felt somebody. I felt something, yes,

487
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 1: like that black shadow was there. Oh my god, Oh

488
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,560
Speaker 1: my god. Yeah. And it's just like for me and

489
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,000
Speaker 1: I think this was like I'm just like, you know,

490
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:42,400
Speaker 1: especially when it comes up black and brown kids, because

491
00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:45,240
Speaker 1: like I just feel like they're just not protected as

492
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:47,880
Speaker 1: they should being so much happened to us that people

493
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 1: just like, well, why didn't you say nothing? Are you

494
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 1: sure it was physical abuse? And it's like why would

495
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 1: I lie? Like you don't have nothing right, you know

496
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,320
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. And it makes me so angry because

497
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:02,480
Speaker 1: like in your book, you spoke about how you know

498
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:06,040
Speaker 1: your aunt Regedary, so there was proof or these people

499
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,920
Speaker 1: like we spoke about earlier, people will see you with

500
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 1: these different men. And I'm pretty sure you was displaying

501
00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 1: some of the signs of a child that's been sexually abused.

502
00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 1: So it's just like, why is nobody protecting these kids? Right?

503
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,720
Speaker 1: Why was nobody saying anything? Why I was nobody because

504
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,640
Speaker 1: it was there, people were seeing it. People just never

505
00:31:26,800 --> 00:31:29,680
Speaker 1: said anything about it. And I guess they did not

506
00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,360
Speaker 1: expect me to get to the age I am now.

507
00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:35,440
Speaker 1: I'm thirty three. I spoke out when I was starting

508
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: one to say something, but I guess they wanted me

509
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 1: to stay muted for the rest of my life. And

510
00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:51,239
Speaker 1: but nobody ever said anything. It was there. And there

511
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 1: was also a situation where he took you to the

512
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 1: motel and the police was called and they almost they

513
00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:01,400
Speaker 1: find you. Yes, that right, because he had placed me

514
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:04,280
Speaker 1: in between the mattress and the box spring. I was

515
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: just that little. I was about a pencil size when

516
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 1: it'side zero in clothes and I was eleven years old.

517
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,240
Speaker 1: Came there looking for me, knocking at the door, and

518
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,240
Speaker 1: I said, it wasn't nobody but the grace of God,

519
00:32:19,320 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 1: because he had placed the Roman one of his friends names,

520
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:26,040
Speaker 1: and so in case if the police had come looking

521
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: for me, they wouldn't know what room to find me in.

522
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,160
Speaker 1: M he was just about the house sex for me.

523
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 1: The only thing kept him from having sex for me,

524
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:41,440
Speaker 1: was the police knocking at that door? What made the

525
00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:44,840
Speaker 1: police lift up the mattress. One of the polices looked

526
00:32:44,920 --> 00:32:47,000
Speaker 1: under the bed. You know, people always look under the bed.

527
00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 1: That's the first place they looked, and they were about

528
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,160
Speaker 1: to leave, and I said it was nobody but God,

529
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:59,560
Speaker 1: because people usually does not look under a mattress, right right,

530
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:03,000
Speaker 1: ever known anybody to pull up a mattress to see

531
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:08,560
Speaker 1: if somebody is under a mattress because the he had

532
00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:12,320
Speaker 1: to cover on the bed and everything, and it had

533
00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 1: to there was nobody but God because that's where he's

534
00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 1: The police found me at the Pope. They said they

535
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:22,040
Speaker 1: were leaving and one officer said hold on, and he

536
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,720
Speaker 1: lifted up the mattress and there I was under the mattress.

537
00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 1: He told the man told me not to say anything,

538
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,880
Speaker 1: just lie air and by steell. So what hap the

539
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:36,080
Speaker 1: wa y'all went to the police. Yeah, so what happened?

540
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,960
Speaker 1: Why was the police station? Well, we went to the

541
00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:41,120
Speaker 1: police station. He was already there because I was taken

542
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 1: to the hospital, you know, examine rape, kid nunn and

543
00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:48,320
Speaker 1: everything in thena So the police station they questioned me

544
00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 1: and asked me if he had sex for me. I

545
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 1: told him no, but he was about to have six

546
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:54,400
Speaker 1: for me. And they said since he did not have

547
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:58,720
Speaker 1: sex for me, they could not keep him, and so

548
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:03,640
Speaker 1: he was let go. They found a pure strength of hair. Um,

549
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:09,160
Speaker 1: you know, he had been on me, his body, on

550
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 1: my body, and and they let him go. They released him.

551
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: I don't understand how was that even possible when y'all

552
00:34:19,719 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: not related at all, and you you were supposed to

553
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,680
Speaker 1: be at school, so something should have been done right right.

554
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 1: Nothing was done. Nothing was no chart is or wherever

555
00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:33,080
Speaker 1: praised on him. And my aunt said, she always told

556
00:34:33,120 --> 00:34:36,000
Speaker 1: me to leave that man alone. But I was just

557
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:38,320
Speaker 1: a kid and he was a grown man. I was

558
00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:43,279
Speaker 1: eleven years old, and he was in his starities and

559
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,480
Speaker 1: and it's now in my authorities and he was already

560
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 1: in his storities. Yeah, that's crazy. And he also gave

561
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 1: you an STV at eleven, Yes, he gave me. I

562
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 1: ended up with trick among his se ever times, several

563
00:35:01,480 --> 00:35:04,279
Speaker 1: times I ended up with it, not knowing what it was.

564
00:35:04,440 --> 00:35:08,719
Speaker 1: I just knew that I just kept you know, I

565
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:13,560
Speaker 1: just kept burning. My vagina just kept burning. And oh,

566
00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:16,439
Speaker 1: I was taken to the doctor and I was told

567
00:35:16,480 --> 00:35:18,640
Speaker 1: that I had triggered my ongers. I didn't know what

568
00:35:18,760 --> 00:35:21,759
Speaker 1: these things were. Of course, that you're eleven years old,

569
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,000
Speaker 1: I don't even think you probably even go through puberty,

570
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:27,239
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And that's crazy because I

571
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:30,239
Speaker 1: went through. My cycle started when I was eleven years old.

572
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:33,359
Speaker 1: I don't know if it was me and had been

573
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:35,480
Speaker 1: my body had been tampered with, and I don't know

574
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:39,239
Speaker 1: if it was thrown off balanced I went. But I

575
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:45,480
Speaker 1: started my cycle at eleven years and um, he was

576
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,160
Speaker 1: having sex to me when I was eleven years old,

577
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:53,640
Speaker 1: so from the age of five and the insects six.

578
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 1: And then when I was nine, one of my Auntie's

579
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:03,280
Speaker 1: bold friends started having sex to me and he passed away.

580
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:06,239
Speaker 1: And then when I was seven years old. You know

581
00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,799
Speaker 1: this man that we're talking about now, he's started having

582
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 1: sex for me and he rupture my anes and he

583
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:18,160
Speaker 1: just did all kind of horrible things to my body.

584
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,720
Speaker 1: And I thought maybe him being caught that would stop

585
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,520
Speaker 1: him from, you know, missing with me. I thought maybe

586
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:29,160
Speaker 1: someone would say something, somebody would press charges on this man,

587
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:35,480
Speaker 1: but nobody didn't. And my dad said he didn't know

588
00:36:35,560 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 1: any of this was going on. Because he would have

589
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:41,279
Speaker 1: pressed charges and people in jail, and I believe my

590
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:44,680
Speaker 1: dad that he would have, but I just felt like

591
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:47,680
Speaker 1: my dad gave up on me when I got pregnant

592
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:52,040
Speaker 1: and did not abort my baby. Just concludes part one

593
00:36:52,160 --> 00:36:55,080
Speaker 1: of this week's episode. If you have any questions, comments,

594
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 1: and concerns, please make sure to email me at Hello

595
00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,560
Speaker 1: at the PhD podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone,

596
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:02,600
Speaker 1: Laver