Speaker 1: Take Personal Life with Laura Felsman.
Speaker 2: Welcome everybody. This week we are entering part two of
Speaker 2: the Trauma series. Last week I had on expert trauma
Speaker 2: therapist Lauren Are to help us understand trauma better and
Speaker 2: all the ins and outs of it. This week, my
Speaker 2: friend Hailey dollar Hide joins me. She is being incredibly
Speaker 2: brave in opening up about the experiences of her life.
Speaker 2: I'm honored she chose to share such difficult parts of
Speaker 2: her story here on the podcast, and I hope everyone
Speaker 2: listens to it because I believe it's going to bring
Speaker 2: up some hopefully healthy conversations and understanding. Now, I do
Speaker 2: want to give a warning we are getting into the
Speaker 2: subject of r ape. I know the subject isn't for everyone,
Speaker 2: but it is a very important and hard conversation to have.
Speaker 2: Hailey's perspective is not only insightful, but also inspiring in
Speaker 2: one full of strength and resilience. I'm joined this week
Speaker 2: by one of my friends. This is miss Haley dollar Hide.
Speaker 2: How are you.
Speaker 1: I'm good? How are you?
Speaker 2: I'm good? I'm so excited that you decided to join
Speaker 2: me and share your story, because your story, man, it
Speaker 2: comes with a lot of bumps. Along the way, and
Speaker 2: I say bumps so lightly because it is so much
Speaker 2: more than that. But I want people to get to
Speaker 2: know you because I think beyond the fact of you
Speaker 2: being a great human being, you also have this story
Speaker 2: of inspiration in the end of everything that you've gone
Speaker 2: through to be who and where you are today, and
Speaker 2: that's a story that deserves to be told.
Speaker 1: So thank you, thanks for being here, thanks for having me.
Speaker 2: You can share these different pieces of your story and
Speaker 2: then we'll get into each one. So I'll let you
Speaker 2: start from where you want to.
Speaker 1: Start, Okay, from there, I feel like I'll always start
Speaker 1: at the very beginning, just because I view it in
Speaker 1: my head as a timeline everything. But I think when
Speaker 1: I was five or six, my parents got divorced. But
Speaker 1: up until then, everything was very normal. Leave it to Beaver,
Speaker 1: at least from my point of view. Yeah, small town
Speaker 1: in Mississippi. And then I feel like when my parents
Speaker 1: got divorced, that was the beginning of such a common
Speaker 1: tale of and especially in small towns in Mississippi. Nobody
Speaker 1: in the nineties was talking about therapy or feelings. It
Speaker 1: was all just matter of fact, and the kids were
Speaker 1: along for the ride. My mother got remarried when I
Speaker 1: was in the third grade, and I would say things
Speaker 1: were pretty normal for the first part of it, so
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Let me backtrack. They got married when I
Speaker 1: was in second grade. Okay, by the time I got
Speaker 1: to third grade, things he was just very abusive, and
Speaker 1: I've learned now as an adult that he not to
Speaker 1: spill his memes. But I think he had an abusive upbringing.
Speaker 1: And you hear that so much people that they just
Speaker 1: repeat patterns that they hated themselves, but they don't know
Speaker 1: any different. So I'm also on this grace journey right now.
Speaker 1: You have to give it to receive it. That's where
Speaker 1: I am with that, because I actually hate.
Speaker 2: This man, but you're like, I hate you, But also
Speaker 2: I do.
Speaker 1: Understand, yes, which is a really peaceful place to be.
Speaker 1: And as a Christian, you hear your whole life piece
Speaker 1: beyond all understanding, and I feel like I'm finally out
Speaker 1: of place now where none of it really makes sense,
Speaker 1: but I am so at peace. But yeah, So my
Speaker 1: stepfather growing up was just very verbally abusive, Like I
Speaker 1: was never touched or anything like that by him, and
Speaker 1: my mother did her best, but she also didn't have
Speaker 1: resources like we have now and you certainly didn't.
Speaker 2: Talk about nothing that happens in the home.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and don't air your dirty laundry, Morgan, Yes, yes,
Speaker 1: the age, Yes, and now I can't air it enough.
Speaker 1: Who wants to hear I have. I've got this new mantra.
Speaker 1: Now that's I am always going to be just who
Speaker 1: I am in the same room, because for years, Morgan,
Speaker 1: I was just somebody else everywhere I went. And it's
Speaker 1: very life giving to just be yourself all the time.
Speaker 1: There's no story to keep up, there's no shame of
Speaker 1: other I think that's also it is I grew up
Speaker 1: and realized all of this shame I carried, none of
Speaker 1: it was actually mine, you know what I mean? It
Speaker 1: was And if you have a life partner, spouse, that's
Speaker 1: in the deal of helping each other carry burdens. But
Speaker 1: outside of that, I don't really see an equation where
Speaker 1: you need to carry that deep a load of someone else's,
Speaker 1: do you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: Yeah, And especially as a child.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I always say that Boomer generation because
Speaker 1: it's always a joke about how like our grandparents raised
Speaker 1: us like millennials. But it wasn't like that. For them.
Speaker 1: It's just something about boomers where we're not talking about things.
Speaker 1: But I don't think it's because they don't want to.
Speaker 1: Really don't think they felt like they could.
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think a lot of what was ingrained into
Speaker 2: that generation was you deal with things on your own,
Speaker 2: and you have tough skin, and you don't need to
Speaker 2: bring anybody else into the picture. This can be fixed
Speaker 2: on its own. There was a lot of that just
Speaker 2: intense drive home that you don't need anybody else and
Speaker 2: if you do, you Yeah, And I think that was ingrained,
Speaker 2: not just in men, but in women. I think it
Speaker 2: was ingrained in all of them.
Speaker 1: No, Firs's honestly, I think especially for men. I feel
Speaker 1: like back to my Bravo because I love Bravo, you
Speaker 1: know that. But I was watching the Summer House, you know,
Speaker 1: the Southern Charm reunion last night and these two guys, Craig,
Speaker 1: which you might have met with Amy. I think he's
Speaker 1: been on Amy's podcast and they've done things. But then
Speaker 1: Craig and Austin they have this really great friendship, but
Speaker 1: it mimics like two girlfriends and they talk about their
Speaker 1: feelings and cry, and I was thinking, people want people
Speaker 1: to express themselves, but they were getting all this hate
Speaker 1: about it, and I'm like, I think boys actually have
Speaker 1: it worse because you're supposed to be so exterior, like
Speaker 1: on the exterior is so tough, and it's really weak
Speaker 1: to cry. But yeah, so third grade to about fourth grade.
Speaker 1: Yet we lived in this one place for one year
Speaker 1: and it wasn't that bad then where I spent the
Speaker 1: majority of my life. It was just awful all the time.
Speaker 1: It was things like I tell the story all the time,
Speaker 1: and I really am over it, and it comes up
Speaker 1: a lot because I will never forget the look on
Speaker 1: my therapist's face when I was telling him the story.
Speaker 1: But and I still to this day have a weird
Speaker 1: thing with condiments. But I had a corn dog and
Speaker 1: I put too much mustard on my plate. According to
Speaker 1: my stepfather and Morgan, he made me dump a whole
Speaker 1: jar of French Is mustard in a bowl and made
Speaker 1: me eat it with a spoon because it was too
Speaker 1: much on my plate. And if you ask my mom,
Speaker 1: like I love her, but if you ask her, her
Speaker 1: response is that we'd been telling you forever to not
Speaker 1: too much on your plate. And that's where I think
Speaker 1: the disconnect from us is she now. Granted I don't
Speaker 1: see it from a mother's standpoint. I could not. I
Speaker 1: can't imagine what that was like for her, and the
Speaker 1: guilt and like wanting to do whatever I could to
Speaker 1: make it not seem so bad. But that's not normal,
Speaker 1: and that's not a correct punishment. Shape it no matter
Speaker 1: how you want. But it was stuff like that, just
Speaker 1: he almost you would think he took joy. He was almost.
Speaker 1: He prayed on me a little bit. And my sister
Speaker 1: got a lot of it. And that is her story.
Speaker 1: So I try really hard not to speak from her
Speaker 1: experience and how she felt. But there were big moments
Speaker 1: where I will say this, the majority of my life
Speaker 1: I felt uncomfortable in my home and it was always
Speaker 1: walking on eggshells and go get the man before your
Speaker 1: stepdad gets home, and go. If I was sitting on
Speaker 1: the couch and watching a show, like eating a snack
Speaker 1: after school, and I heard somebody pull into the driveway, Morgan,
Speaker 1: I would run like a bad guy was chasing me.
Speaker 1: That was normal, It really was.
Speaker 2: It's like you lived your childhood in survival and yeah,
Speaker 2: this person had all of these rules and stipulations that
Speaker 2: it was never really safe.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you never knew what version you were gonna get.
Speaker 2: Some days it was gonna be great, and some days
Speaker 2: it was gonna be Oh, hold on, this is about
Speaker 2: to get really bad.
Speaker 1: So I think that's the hard part for my mother.
Speaker 1: And again I'm not speaking on her behalf. Can you
Speaker 1: tell I'm married to a lawyer?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Like, how can I make sure? But also I
Speaker 2: love to remind people of a lot of things when
Speaker 2: they come in this room, But one in particular is
Speaker 2: that your story is your story to tell, Yes, and
Speaker 2: your accounts of it are your story. Is there another
Speaker 2: side of that story? Always? Always yes, but it's also
Speaker 2: still your story. You were very much a part of
Speaker 2: this story, and it's yours to do with how you please?
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I am like, I'm not a prophet or anything,
Speaker 1: but I do feel a strong as an eight. I
Speaker 1: feel like that is my superpower that was I wasn't
Speaker 1: allowed to use. But I think because they say whatever
Speaker 1: your Achilles hill is so like for Enneagram aids, it's
Speaker 1: the vulnerable part of it. But ironically, when we are vulnerable,
Speaker 1: it's the most powerful thing that we can offer somebody.
Speaker 1: And so I have to I live my life by
Speaker 1: faith and nothing will stop me from doing what I
Speaker 1: can to, even if it's just like somebody understanding me
Speaker 1: a little bit better or giving someone grace a little
Speaker 1: bit better. But the hang up for my mother is
Speaker 1: it wasn't all bad. That is what she That is
Speaker 1: the heel she will die on.
Speaker 2: And I can speak from being in an abusive relationship.
Speaker 2: This is something I recently opened up about, and mine
Speaker 2: was on a different side. There was physical and emotional
Speaker 2: yours being even just on emotional, which people often just
Speaker 2: be like, what was just yelling? It was just verbal. No,
Speaker 2: you're fighting a similar battle in the sense where you
Speaker 2: are convinced of a different reality. They love to create
Speaker 2: a world where you believe that they are actually the
Speaker 2: person in the right and you are the person in
Speaker 2: the wrong. And so much of an abuser's reality is
Speaker 2: they believe everything they're doing is correct and they can't
Speaker 2: do any wrong. So that's why you walk on eggshells.
Speaker 2: That's why you never know where they stand, because it's
Speaker 2: their world and you're just living to exist in it.
Speaker 2: It's also why your mom experienced this. There's good days.
Speaker 2: You're justifying what they've told you to justify you have
Speaker 2: this warped version of reality. And so there is no
Speaker 2: blame from me to your mom, even never having known
Speaker 2: her and will probably never meet her. But there's no
Speaker 2: blame from me in the sense that she thought what
Speaker 2: was happening was normal.
Speaker 1: I've told you this before. The Enneagram like truly changed
Speaker 1: my life and for the year that I got into it,
Speaker 1: I had everybody in my family take the test and
Speaker 1: my mom is a three. And I think for her
Speaker 1: it's a sign of failure. And that's you talk about
Speaker 1: Achilles heel with with the achiever. Yeah, I mean it.
Speaker 1: All she hears is I lost motherhood. I failed And I.
Speaker 2: Feel that this relation about this marriage I feel at
Speaker 2: my kids. All she's hearing is that on repeat.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and she can't accept that. That's very it's and
Speaker 1: I think that is important to say. That is harder
Speaker 1: for her to accept than me because I have like
Speaker 1: such little three in me. I'm not competitive, I'm not
Speaker 1: win or lose. I'm like, let's play to have fun.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I think for her because I didn't, and
Speaker 1: this is what I was telling you earlier, I think
Speaker 1: because I didn't come to her with a lot of things.
Speaker 1: Her question is why didn't you come to me, and
Speaker 1: why didn't you? And my answer is and always will be.
Speaker 1: I was a child. That is the role I choose
Speaker 1: to play with my children is letting them know always,
Speaker 1: no matter what it is, I can handle it, Like
Speaker 1: we will get through this together. You were never alone.
Speaker 1: And honestly, Morgan, that wasn't something I could verbalize or
Speaker 1: even understand until last year. So I went therapy Cat
Speaker 1: that does a podcast with Amy. I didn't even know
Speaker 1: Amy at the time, and I had been going to Cat.
Speaker 1: I went every Tuesday for an entire year, and there
Speaker 1: were so many things that just being allowed to have
Speaker 1: this is non biased the right word. She had no
Speaker 1: dog in any of us.
Speaker 2: Yes, that's the role that a therapist is supposed to
Speaker 2: provide you. It's an unbiased perspective of your experiences instead
Speaker 2: of getting like half of one biased view and half
Speaker 2: of another and piecing them together.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and like back to echo what I said earlier
Speaker 1: about burdens and shame and things that we carry. That's
Speaker 1: not even John, my husband's job, Like he can be
Speaker 1: there for me, but that's a lot for somebody to carry.
Speaker 1: And I talked about losing my virginity with Kat and
Speaker 1: it was in that it was weird because I have
Speaker 1: you seen Firefly Lanes?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay, So there was about six months where I would
Speaker 1: watch these shows or movies and I felt so like
Speaker 1: God was trying to talk to me through them, because
Speaker 1: like the it would be like so random how I'd
Speaker 1: start watching it. And I was watching Firefly Lane and
Speaker 1: when Catherine is it.
Speaker 2: Katheryne Nigel, Katherine Heigel say, yeah, her character as.
Speaker 1: A child was she lost her virginity and it felt
Speaker 1: consensual based on the knowledge we had. Yeah the time
Speaker 1: at twenty years ago and I was watching, I just
Speaker 1: started bawling, crying, and my husband was like, okay, like
Speaker 1: it's not that sad, and I'm like no, Like John,
Speaker 1: I'm having this epiphany that it changed the entire trajectory
Speaker 1: of my life Morgan from that very first time, and
Speaker 1: it all so like the practice I what is it
Speaker 1: like the practice I preach? I guess that the tool
Speaker 1: I've been given in therapy is to just go all
Speaker 1: the way, like retrace all the steps until you get
Speaker 1: to the root. And so I was fifteen and my
Speaker 1: it was my friend's older brother who was eighteen with
Speaker 1: a girlfriend, and he had just finished high school, so
Speaker 1: he was like getting ready to go play ball at
Speaker 1: a community college or something, and we were drinking Zema's,
Speaker 1: remember those with like you remember za with a jolly
Speaker 1: rancher down in the bottom. And I was much younger
Speaker 1: than all of these girls, and I remember everything about it.
Speaker 1: I remember like being excited, but I also remember thinking
Speaker 1: like we were about to start dating, and it was
Speaker 1: this thing. I was such a virgin that I had
Speaker 1: never even worn a tampon. Wow, wow, And I remember
Speaker 1: when I could choice. Yeah, Like I was terrified to
Speaker 1: use a tampon. And I remember coming home and I
Speaker 1: had spotted because we're going I had no proper information
Speaker 1: to even know that was normal, and my sister at
Speaker 1: the time had already gone to college. I was in
Speaker 1: the house all alone, and in my mind it was like, yay,
Speaker 1: I'm not pregnant because I just started my period. And
Speaker 1: I remember going to the bathroom when I got home
Speaker 1: using a tampon and thinking, well, what does it matter now?
Speaker 1: And I was so afraid to tell anyone that I
Speaker 1: just never did. But in my mind, with all the
Speaker 1: religious trauma that I discovered later was I felt damaged,
Speaker 1: Like I remember thinking it doesn't matter now because I've
Speaker 1: already lost my virginity. So it's like the seal is
Speaker 1: already broken.
Speaker 2: And can I point out that it shouldn't have ever
Speaker 2: been a it doesn't matter now, Like that's a product
Speaker 2: that your body needed, Yeah, that you should have known
Speaker 2: was okay to use, and it didn't mean anything like
Speaker 2: that was something that was a matter of your health.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that you had.
Speaker 2: To blur the lines between the two.
Speaker 1: It's just heartbreaking. But it stayed blurred for years. I
Speaker 1: don't know if I ever I'm not kidding. I was
Speaker 1: sitting in Kat's room at therapy that day just it
Speaker 1: hit me like a stack of bricks, Like it was
Speaker 1: like I was finally seeing the real reality of it.
Speaker 1: And just my very first therapist told me this would happen.
Speaker 1: But just we worked on inner child stuff a lot,
Speaker 1: and he was like, there's going to be a day
Speaker 1: where your current self catches up and I think I'm
Speaker 1: finally there, which is great, Like on inside Out.
Speaker 2: Riley, we made it. I made it parton.
Speaker 1: I know, it's just it's brutal, but it changed so
Speaker 1: much for me and it affected every single It was
Speaker 1: like I couldn't I think that was the day I
Speaker 1: put my armor on, like when you learn about so
Speaker 1: I started my Enneagram journey. In therapy and in any
Speaker 1: agram world, they call it your adaptive self, like the
Speaker 1: day that you became this way, and some people believe
Speaker 1: it's the day you're born, and some people believe lots
Speaker 1: of other things. But if you have a really traumatic
Speaker 1: which we all have trauma, but if you have as
Speaker 1: especially traumatic situation in your life, it can be altering.
Speaker 1: And I feel like that is that's a pivotal moment
Speaker 1: for my journey because I felt the heaviness of carrying
Speaker 1: and not to throw men under the bus, But that
Speaker 1: was the day I really realized the heaviness of carrying
Speaker 1: a man's shame. And because the only reason I couldn't
Speaker 1: tell anybody is because he had a girlfriend, remember, So
Speaker 1: then it was like, Okay, this is just how it works,
Speaker 1: and I can be this, I can call girl, and
Speaker 1: so sex from then on was very not heavy for me.
Speaker 2: We're about to get into really one of the hardest
Speaker 2: probably moments in your life. And not that any of
Speaker 2: these are even a little bit easy. What I know
Speaker 2: with that information and hearing the theme of all these
Speaker 2: stories is they all involve a guy that's older than you.
Speaker 1: Every second one of them.
Speaker 2: That was supposed to be either a leader or have
Speaker 2: the ability to take care of you, or have the
Speaker 2: wisdom of an older adult.
Speaker 1: Like.
Speaker 2: I don't want to call them authority figures because they're not.
Speaker 1: But that was my version of what it. That was
Speaker 1: my idea of what they shouldn't have been.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and all of them are, and we're gonna get
Speaker 2: into that, but I'm going to let you head into
Speaker 2: this kind of last piece of Yeah.
Speaker 1: So in college, I went to a friend's someone I
Speaker 1: thought was a friend, and we were drinking and playing games.
Speaker 1: It was cranberry juice and vodka. I'll never forget it.
Speaker 1: And I was not a first time ever to drink
Speaker 1: college person. And still to this day I can drink
Speaker 1: vodka all night long and not get like hammer drunk.
Speaker 1: I don't know what it is. Would give me one
Speaker 1: like spritzer and I'm telling dirty drugs to the preacher. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but I had one drink and then the next thing
Speaker 1: I remember, do you remember galchery pants?
Speaker 2: I do remember Galucha pants.
Speaker 1: And we wouldn't wear panties with them because they were
Speaker 1: like so thin. You would have a nasty pantyline that
Speaker 1: comes up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then.
Speaker 1: This is another trend I hope that never comes back, which.
Speaker 2: I also hope galuchos.
Speaker 1: Thanks never say. Honestly, I could deal with those if
Speaker 1: but the clear bras straps.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, those are bad too.
Speaker 1: We would wear these like silky lacy cameusls with no
Speaker 1: like just wear the strap of fra yeah, because they
Speaker 1: weren't even comfortable. If you had like spray tea, you're
Speaker 1: just unlocked with these. And yeah, but that's what I
Speaker 1: was wearing. And I remember waking up and I was
Speaker 1: not a part of something like I was in the
Speaker 1: middle of sex, and my straps were broken and my
Speaker 1: pants were not even off, like it was like they
Speaker 1: were so stretchy, like he just went up my pant leg.
Speaker 1: And if that's too much, just.
Speaker 2: You, I want you to share your story as you feel.
Speaker 1: I woke up and I remember feeling like my mind
Speaker 1: was there, but my body was like just completely unable
Speaker 1: to move, so similar to I don't know if you've
Speaker 1: ever had anesthesia or just like what I like when
Speaker 1: I had a C section, I compared it to that,
Speaker 1: just very not like heavy. And then when I finally
Speaker 1: got up. He said, if you tell anybody, I'll never
Speaker 1: talk to you again. And I got my stuff and
Speaker 1: I left. And this was in Oxford, Mississippi. I went
Speaker 1: to Ole, miss and the square closes like during the week.
Speaker 1: It shuts down during the week at midnight, and on
Speaker 1: weekends it used to be until two am. Where I
Speaker 1: was these condos like right off the square. And I
Speaker 1: walked with my shoes in my hand, my brough broken,
Speaker 1: and I was still so disoriented that I called the
Speaker 1: first person you want to talk about? God. I called
Speaker 1: the first person that had been saved in my cell phone,
Speaker 1: who was a girl named Angela that I had met
Speaker 1: just a few weeks before in the dorm. She's from
Speaker 1: Atlanta and she's an a. So I clicked on it
Speaker 1: and she had just so happened to be up going
Speaker 1: to the shower in the dorm and saw my call
Speaker 1: and she was like, where are you? And I couldn't read.
Speaker 1: I was spelling out the name of a store on
Speaker 1: the square. So she said, oh my God, I'm coming
Speaker 1: to get you and she I got in the car
Speaker 1: with her and she could tell like something was very wrong,
Speaker 1: and I said, I think I might have just been raped.
Speaker 1: I'm not sure. And she took me to the university
Speaker 1: police and they were like, we can't help her because
Speaker 1: it didn't happen on campus, but this is what you
Speaker 1: should do. So they were very nice, but it was
Speaker 1: like not in their jurisdiction or whatever. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 1: So she took me. Maybe they suggested she'd take me
Speaker 1: to the hospital. I can't remember, but we ended up
Speaker 1: at the hospital and Morgan, this is like a second
Speaker 1: layer of it. The nurses in there were following it's
Speaker 1: called a rape kit, so like they have this protocol
Speaker 1: that they have to follow, and so first my body
Speaker 1: like went into shock and they had to wrap me
Speaker 1: and all of these heated blankets and so I don't
Speaker 1: know if that was part of the drug or just
Speaker 1: like the trauma of it.
Speaker 2: Probably a mixture of both.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so all of that happen. I'm in there and
Speaker 1: these two it was like Tweedlede and Tweedledum. These women
Speaker 1: were arguing over who was going to do this and
Speaker 1: what do we do. It was like they were reading
Speaker 1: instructions of a puzzle and like scraping under your fingernail
Speaker 1: and touching areas and you're influorescent lighting.
Speaker 2: And you're already scared. You already don't know what just
Speaker 2: happened to you in a way, and you're freaking out
Speaker 2: and you're stuck and you're being proked and yeah.
Speaker 1: And you're thinking of the magnitude of it's all happening
Speaker 1: so fast, and you still haven't even wrapped your mind
Speaker 1: around like whether or not you want to tell anybody,
Speaker 1: And now, like it was just a lot. And because
Speaker 1: I wasn't a minor, they said I had the choice
Speaker 1: to call my mom. I was eighteen, and I did
Speaker 1: call my mom. She and my sister came to the rescue,
Speaker 1: and then we went straight to the police station and
Speaker 1: they were That was another part, like at this point
Speaker 1: I had never spoken about sex in any form with
Speaker 1: my mom, and she sat in the room with me
Speaker 1: and a man stranger that was the police officer or
Speaker 1: the detective or whatever, and I had to like really
Speaker 1: go into detail and I couldn't say that. I had
Speaker 1: to say like penis vagina, which at eighteen was still
Speaker 1: like horribly embarrassing in front of your mom. And so
Speaker 1: they waited until after four pm to arrest him, because
Speaker 1: if they had done it before before he wouldn't have
Speaker 1: had to spend the night. He came from a prominent family,
Speaker 1: which to this day nothing has ever. We did go
Speaker 1: to trial and I got ripped to shreds in front
Speaker 1: of a grand jury, and it was like, I just
Speaker 1: want to be done with this because Morgan. Nobody took
Speaker 1: my side in this, no one. It was like around
Speaker 1: rush time, like with sororities and stuff. And some people
Speaker 1: were like, oh, she just did this for that, you
Speaker 1: blamed now. And I always tell people that this was
Speaker 1: not a moral hangover at this point in my sex
Speaker 1: life and my sex journey. If I was gonna cry rape,
Speaker 1: I would have done it before this, I mean. And
Speaker 1: the Dean of Old Mess had written me like an
Speaker 1: absent excuse, like I could take a leave and I
Speaker 1: didn't have a ding against my credits or anything. And
Speaker 1: I took some time, but I never saw a therapist.
Speaker 1: I never saw it. We never spoke of it again.
Speaker 1: Then I find out, so when you're doing the rape kit,
Speaker 1: they give you essentially a plan B pill, you take it,
Speaker 1: you start your period, it's it's done. And I had
Speaker 1: started a heavy period, and so I just you didn't
Speaker 1: think much of it. But then I found out I
Speaker 1: was pregnant, and that was terrifying, and so I made
Speaker 1: the decision to have an abortion, which I honestly thought
Speaker 1: I would never ever tell anyone really did and I
Speaker 1: can honestly say a big part of me died that day,
Speaker 1: and not because of what like maybe pro lifers might think.
Speaker 1: I just felt numb to everything. At that point. It
Speaker 1: was like, Okay, I'm not gonna have anyone that wants
Speaker 1: to be in this space with me. There is no
Speaker 1: place to talk about it. I have to make I
Speaker 1: really became tough as damn nails that day. It was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: from this point forward, that's it. We're not talking about
Speaker 1: this again. It's over. And if it is out of sight,
Speaker 1: it is out of mind, and we're never going to
Speaker 1: go there. And it wasn't until I started dating John,
Speaker 1: my husband, now, who I could tell was different than
Speaker 1: people I had dated in the past, But it came
Speaker 1: up because we were excited to start our own family
Speaker 1: and I was having some issues and I was It
Speaker 1: was like, abruptly, all this guilt came out of nowhere.
Speaker 1: So it was like a volcano that was just sitting
Speaker 1: there waiting. My therapist says, it's like champagne. You shake
Speaker 1: it up and then you wait forever to pop it.
Speaker 1: You just need to slowly Coca cola bottle or whatever.
Speaker 1: So I told John and he sat with me in it,
Speaker 1: and I was very worried about how he was gonna
Speaker 1: judge it. And it honestly wasn't until I started relationships
Speaker 1: with my children outside of diapers when this whole like
Speaker 1: Rover versus Wade stuff came up. It brought up some
Speaker 1: people take to social media too loudly, and it was
Speaker 1: people that I really have relationships with and I know,
Speaker 1: and they were saying really awful things. And it always
Speaker 1: shocks me when women because my stance on that is
Speaker 1: always no woman, like, not a single one, it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter for what reason, wants to be there. So let's
Speaker 1: rally from woman to woman. Hey, let me just be
Speaker 1: there for you, because I know this can't be easy.
Speaker 1: And I realized that a lot of my friends didn't know.
Speaker 1: They weren't doing it to be in my face. And honestly,
Speaker 1: a lot of people I've talked to about it since
Speaker 1: then see it in a different perspective because I'm like,
Speaker 1: I didn't want to be there, but I also didn't
Speaker 1: want the other option.
Speaker 2: You were faced with an impossible decision.
Speaker 1: And you were truly damned if you do. And damn you.
Speaker 2: Didn't even want to be in the first place, asked
Speaker 2: to be in. You didn't want to be faced with
Speaker 2: that type and you even took every step that you
Speaker 2: were supposed to take.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it was wild just to think. Thinking about the
Speaker 1: magnitude of that alone is wild to me now because
Speaker 1: I have two daughters and I just cannot fathom. So
Speaker 1: this is the part I was telling you. My therapist
Speaker 1: was saying, You'll run in like your current self, will
Speaker 1: hit your younger self, and you'll catch up. But then
Speaker 1: there will be these parts with your children that you
Speaker 1: will be awakened unexpectedly because you see so much of
Speaker 1: them in you. And so I knew that was coming,
Speaker 1: but I didn't know it was coming until it really
Speaker 1: got here. And I started thinking about my youngest friends,
Speaker 1: my youngest daughter, Francis. She is so much Honestly, both
Speaker 1: of our kids are such a good blend between the
Speaker 1: two of us. But Francis loves her daddy the way
Speaker 1: that I did, and I think about how devastated she
Speaker 1: would be morgan if he just left and didn't ever
Speaker 1: talk to her again or treated her poorly.
Speaker 2: Yeah, or something happened to her in the capacity that
Speaker 2: did when you were eighteen, or something happened in the
Speaker 2: capacity that did when you were dealing with the first guy,
Speaker 2: that something happened, Like in all of those scenarios, you
Speaker 2: can't possibly fathom.
Speaker 1: No, And like my mom and I act, my mom
Speaker 1: came in town last weekend and it actually didn't end well.
Speaker 1: We touch base on some things, and her reality of
Speaker 1: it is much different than mine. But the problem that
Speaker 1: I face with that relationship with her is and maybe
Speaker 1: and honestly she probably feels the same way about me,
Speaker 1: but her unwillingness to extend grace to something that she
Speaker 1: disagrees with, you know what I mean?
Speaker 2: I think for you, Haley, unfortunately, and it shouldn't be.
Speaker 2: But I think unfortunately a lot of the things that
Speaker 2: you've dealt with are probably a lot of things that
Speaker 2: people don't know how to give grace to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I agree, I mean.
Speaker 2: It's and I's tricky. So unfortunately, like it should not.
Speaker 1: Be that way. It shouldn't be conditional, it.
Speaker 2: Shouldn't and you shouldn't be able, You should be able
Speaker 2: to talk about each of these scenarios, in each parts
Speaker 2: of these stories and say this is what happened to me,
Speaker 2: and somebody just be like that's horrible and that should
Speaker 2: have never happened to you, instead of it being I
Speaker 2: see it this way, this is another side of it.
Speaker 2: The facts are laid out, this is the fact.
Speaker 1: And honestly that was what that was. Like the aha
Speaker 1: moment for me in therapy is when my very first therapy,
Speaker 1: John Evans, He's was the door opener to changing my life.
Speaker 1: But he looked at me and said, it's really not normal.
Speaker 1: That's really bad.
Speaker 2: None of those are normal.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what I mean. Like he was like, you
Speaker 1: need to face that because I think I had tried
Speaker 1: for so long to justify it. You know what else
Speaker 1: he told me to remove from my vocabulary is the
Speaker 1: word just I just. It's just a like nothing is just.
Speaker 2: Because just I learned this too five years ago. It's
Speaker 2: because you're trying to justify everything. Don't justify it. It
Speaker 2: is what it is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it is exactly what it is.
Speaker 2: And then it's a filler word.
Speaker 1: You don't even need it. You do not need it,
Speaker 1: especially in the hardest habit of mine was when someone
Speaker 1: would compliment me whatever it is, and it's oh, it's
Speaker 1: just they could always be better. I mean, everything could
Speaker 1: always be better, but everything could also be worse.
Speaker 2: So when you finally entered therapy, gosh, a year and
Speaker 2: a half meet now.
Speaker 1: I started therapy in twenty twenty.
Speaker 2: Okay, but still all of these are long after. But
Speaker 2: I didn't go every week until recently. Recently, Yeah, but
Speaker 2: still this is long after. Oh, all of these events
Speaker 2: up until then? How were you coping? How were you dealing?
Speaker 1: Not another Bravo reference. Not well, bitch, she's from New
Speaker 1: York and shooting Derenda. No, I was not doing well
Speaker 1: at all. Like I Teresa Judaice flipped the table at
Speaker 1: anything that didn't settle with me correctly, I just lashed out.
Speaker 1: I think that's the best way to sum it up.
Speaker 1: And I didn't understand this was the big thing that
Speaker 1: was so life giving to me with Enneagram. From my
Speaker 1: perspective was the only perspective, and it was very much.
Speaker 1: I would have done it this way, and because she didn't,
Speaker 1: it's wrong.
Speaker 2: Hey, I bet my guess is that you were trying
Speaker 2: to take your power back.
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm sure I'm sure there's like a whole science
Speaker 1: behind this.
Speaker 2: Because having not to the point ever talked about it,
Speaker 2: ever worked through any of that. But you were finally
Speaker 2: in a safe space with your husband and you had
Speaker 2: your family and things were good. You probably felt, Okay,
Speaker 2: I figured this out, and I do feel like I
Speaker 2: have my power now.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I don't think I got my power until like recently.
Speaker 2: No, but you probably thought you did. Oh yeah, So
Speaker 2: you're saying in a safe space, you weren't in survival anymore.
Speaker 2: You weren't fighting someone all the time, you weren't on
Speaker 2: eggs shells. I don't think we realize the drastic change
Speaker 2: that happens when you're no longer living on eggs shells.
Speaker 1: That alone, Yeah, you're almost in eggs shells, like waiting
Speaker 1: for eggs shells literally, I mean.
Speaker 2: And to not be in that state, you're like, Okay,
Speaker 2: so I want everything to go my way. For so
Speaker 2: long nothing went my way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, nobody listened.
Speaker 2: Nobody listened, so you thought what you were doing, you
Speaker 2: went the other extreme. If there's something I've recognized in
Speaker 2: traumatic events of our lives, we often go the direct
Speaker 2: opposite because we want so much of the different and
Speaker 2: then you somehow, when you start to heal and grow
Speaker 2: and get better, you find your way in the middle. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and that's probably where you are now, which is truly
Speaker 2: where the power lies.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's great. It really is so great to just
Speaker 1: feel so light. I saw this quote like recently and
Speaker 1: it says she was set free when she realized the
Speaker 1: cage was her own thoughts. And that was really profound
Speaker 1: for me because everything I did was always based off
Speaker 1: of someone else's sign off. How is this going to
Speaker 1: make them? Look, how is this going to make them feel?
Speaker 1: All the while, I'm not taking in any consideration of
Speaker 1: like how the person living inside his body feels, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean? And sometimes being selfish gets poopooed,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I think more people need there's a
Speaker 1: great way to be selfish.
Speaker 2: You can still be a good person and be selfish. Yeah,
Speaker 2: I think we've associated it with really bad things. And
Speaker 2: don't get me wrong, there are very selfish bad people
Speaker 2: in the world. Yes, But you can selfishly want the
Speaker 2: best for yourself. You can selfishly want to make yourself
Speaker 2: happy and selfishly deserved to feel safe. Yeah, all of
Speaker 2: those things are technically considered selfish.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we should come up with a word.
Speaker 2: There should be ad but technically, yeah, and the technicality
Speaker 2: of the way people view the world. All of those
Speaker 2: things are selfish. But what you were actually doing was
Speaker 2: caring for yourself for the first time in a really
Speaker 2: long time.
Speaker 1: And people that know you one way. This is something
Speaker 1: I always call it my friend cleanse. I went through
Speaker 1: a major divorce with friends when I left Mississippi to
Speaker 1: come here. Around that time is when I started evolving
Speaker 1: and branching out into even just politics. Like I can
Speaker 1: remember believing one thing always because that's just like what
Speaker 1: everybody in my hometown leaves, but I remember coming into
Speaker 1: my own decision because I landed there. Yeah, and just
Speaker 1: things like that. Even church is a big thing for me.
Speaker 1: I am closer to God than I've ever been and
Speaker 1: I very rarely go to church. And that's just my journey.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that people can't find that same relationship
Speaker 1: going every Sunday, But yeah, You've just had.
Speaker 2: Multiple moments of your life that have shaped who you
Speaker 2: are in this moment right now, which for you probably
Speaker 2: feels like the best version of yourself.
Speaker 1: If I had to guess, yeah, and I will say
Speaker 1: the one thing I can, without a doubt stand on
Speaker 1: is knowing the difference between forcing and trying. And that's
Speaker 1: something I tell my girls every day because anytime organ
Speaker 1: even down to an Instagram post, any time in my
Speaker 1: life I have ever forced something, it has not been
Speaker 1: successful for me. And when I just finally gave up
Speaker 1: the forcing and was like, I'll try this and I'm
Speaker 1: not going to just give up because it's hard. But
Speaker 1: when I am just authentically who I am, it's great.
Speaker 2: Things always work out in that way. And they also
Speaker 2: work out exactly how they're supposed to do in that capacity.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know they do.
Speaker 2: I have learned. I did want to ask you to
Speaker 2: I mentioned the fact that all of these events in
Speaker 2: your life involved men. When you met your now husband,
Speaker 2: what was that like?
Speaker 1: Crazy? Like? I worked for his dad. His dad is
Speaker 1: not alive anymore, but he was a cinematographer and at
Speaker 1: the time I was trying to pursue music in Nashville,
Speaker 1: that ship is sailed. I was on American Idol and
Speaker 1: all that. It was like in between time of moving
Speaker 1: to Nashville and still being in Mississippi, his dad hired
Speaker 1: me his craft services or a Mississippi tourism commercial and
Speaker 1: when the commercial shoot was over, we had what they
Speaker 1: call a rat party, and it happened to be my birthday,
Speaker 1: and so John's dad threw a big party at his
Speaker 1: house and John came and I met him. He looks
Speaker 1: like nobody I've ever dated. He acts like he had
Speaker 1: at the time. His funny because like, we didn't have
Speaker 1: Instagram then, or if we did, it was so new
Speaker 1: when kids did, but we had Facebook. And his Facebook
Speaker 1: said so it said Missipy State and then it said
Speaker 1: MC Class of twenty ten. I was like, this guy
Speaker 1: is older than me. He's still in his undergrad Like,
Speaker 1: what a loser. It took you seventeen years to graduate
Speaker 1: undergrad And then come to find out he's just like
Speaker 1: lawyer at this prestigious law firm. He graduated law school.
Speaker 1: He was just a ding dong and didn't know how
Speaker 1: Facebook worked because MSSI B College has a missib College
Speaker 1: and they have a missis Be College School of Law.
Speaker 1: And he put on his Facebook that he graduated miss
Speaker 1: By College. But that's you see what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: I was like, that's how you know? John. I wasn't
Speaker 1: after you for anything because I thought you were like
Speaker 1: a loser, actually, but we were hot and heavy in
Speaker 1: the beginning and it was really fun. I think both
Speaker 1: of us knew, like I knew after the first time
Speaker 1: I hung out with him. I told my girlfriends. I
Speaker 1: was like, I'm going to marry him. They're like, Haley, really,
Speaker 1: And I was like, nope, I'm telling you, I'm going
Speaker 1: to marry him. But you didn't have.
Speaker 2: Any like fearful of this was it? Because there was
Speaker 2: something about him that felt.
Speaker 1: I really did just know. And maybe but I also too,
Speaker 1: Morgan didn't look past like Friday.
Speaker 2: Night, but you thought you were gonna marry him.
Speaker 1: But if I really sat down and thought about it,
Speaker 1: I'll say this, I felt there was a difference. But
Speaker 1: if I didn't end up marrying him, it would have.
Speaker 2: Been like.
Speaker 1: I can't say that because it probably would have. It
Speaker 1: was just something always kept me coming back. But I
Speaker 1: didn't invest too much into anything. But that's what That's
Speaker 1: a better way of saying it. Like I had always
Speaker 1: had balls drop, so putting all of the eggs in
Speaker 1: a basket or whatever. It was fun to say, but
Speaker 1: like I wasn't disappointed if it didn't happen, because that
Speaker 1: was what I was so used to.
Speaker 2: You were so used to that it could just fall and
Speaker 2: be like, okay, whatever'll square one. Yes, Okay.
Speaker 1: So we dated and it was rock and then once
Speaker 1: it started getting serious, it got right because then later
Speaker 1: I found out that he was like he had just
Speaker 1: gotten out of a bad relationship also, but he told
Speaker 1: me later that it was he was so rude to
Speaker 1: me and so uncommittal was because he felt it too,
Speaker 1: and he was scared to this be the last person
Speaker 1: he dates, and he wanted to get that single out
Speaker 1: of his system. But yeah, things I really liked about John.
Speaker 1: Every guy had ever dated before it had come from
Speaker 1: essentially a leave it to Beaver family, and it was
Speaker 1: always so hard for them to relate or understand me
Speaker 1: because everything had been just so easy. And while John
Speaker 1: didn't have such a traumatic childhood, he grew up with
Speaker 1: an alcoholic father who ended up dying in a house
Speaker 1: fire from alcohol, like felt passed out. Like John knows
Speaker 1: family drama well, and.
Speaker 2: He had empathy, I would imagine for your experiences, just
Speaker 2: as you had empathy for his.
Speaker 1: Yes, which is funny because John's an enneagram five and
Speaker 1: that is like that's the main thing they lack is empathy,
Speaker 1: which is funny because he was such a softie for me.
Speaker 1: But now he is my best friend still. I told
Speaker 1: him just two days ago he saved my life and
Speaker 1: he didn't even know it, and he's like, you've saved mine,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I know that sounds so cliche, but
Speaker 1: he is genuinely the only thing in my life ever
Speaker 1: that is just solid as a rock and stable, consistent.
Speaker 2: I've always said it and I will continue to say it.
Speaker 2: Consistency is so sexy.
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I know you never.
Speaker 2: Realize it until it happens. You're like, yeah, okay, whenever
Speaker 2: you want, I got it.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I would love to sit here and talk with you
Speaker 2: all day, and we totally could. There's two things I
Speaker 2: want to ask you before we end this and wrap
Speaker 2: this up. But what do you feel like for you
Speaker 2: in your life now having all of these moments, What's
Speaker 2: something you wish you would have known maybe when you
Speaker 2: were going through any of these experiences that maybe you
Speaker 2: I can look back now and be like, I wish
Speaker 2: I would have had that information, or I wish I
Speaker 2: would have been able to.
Speaker 1: Do this, probably that I wasn't broken. I think that's
Speaker 1: another like common feeling from all of this, like from
Speaker 1: the beginning, like the dad, the stepdad, the sex, all
Speaker 1: of it was that it was somehow a product of me,
Speaker 1: like I was broken or I was damaged, or I
Speaker 1: was constantly trying to swim out of just really dark
Speaker 1: holes that I thought I caused and you didn't and
Speaker 1: I didn't.
Speaker 2: But in the moment, in all of these moments, you're
Speaker 2: probably feeling.
Speaker 1: That way because that was one of the first So
Speaker 1: like in this inner child thing, we did, my therapist
Speaker 1: like close your eyes and go back to your very
Speaker 1: first memory, and I was like, okay, and I like
Speaker 1: went somewhere faster than I would have imagined had he
Speaker 1: had asked me that on the spot later and he
Speaker 1: was like, now you're you and she's her, what are
Speaker 1: you going to say to her? And I was like,
Speaker 1: everything's gonna be okay. Just it's all Internet. That sounds
Speaker 1: so like cheeky or not cheeky, but something that should
Speaker 1: be on a sign it Bucky's chowchke. That's the word
Speaker 1: I was looking for.
Speaker 2: But the inner child often does want very simple things
Speaker 2: very much. You're gonna be okay. They want to hug,
Speaker 2: they want safety. They don't need these big, elaborate things.
Speaker 2: They just need to be seen.
Speaker 1: And heard, reassured. Yeah and yeah, so that's it.
Speaker 2: I'd like to point out too, because we got so
Speaker 2: much into so much of your past, but like you
Speaker 2: today is incredibly successful. You have a job that you love,
Speaker 2: you found your way back into the music industry and
Speaker 2: a different capacity. You have a husband that you love
Speaker 2: is your rock, as you said, you have daughters that
Speaker 2: you love, a life that you love. I think so
Speaker 2: much of your story is a testament to there's always light,
Speaker 2: it's just finding it and finding the right time and
Speaker 2: space for it. And you're also a testament that truly
Speaker 2: you can get through anything, you really can.
Speaker 1: You can.
Speaker 2: And it's a reminder of when if you are in
Speaker 2: your darkest, deepest moments, right now, there is a light.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And Haley's had multiple of these moments where she had
Speaker 2: to find the light and you did.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So I would I always end episodes with whether it's
Speaker 2: a piece of motivation, advice, inspiration, however you want to
Speaker 2: go in that direction. But all of these things in
Speaker 2: your life where you are now, however you want to
Speaker 2: leave us, the floor is yours.
Speaker 1: I love to say, when you give up trying to
Speaker 1: fit in, you find where you belong and it's really
Speaker 1: a beautiful place to be.
Speaker 2: I love that. Thank you for being here, Thank you
Speaker 2: for sharing such difficult parts of your story. But also
Speaker 2: you're truly an inspiration and what you've been through where
Speaker 2: you are now that I'm happy you've chosen to use
Speaker 2: your voice same this story and I know that's really
Speaker 2: hard some days though too.
Speaker 1: No, yeah, for sure, but I agree. Thank you.
Speaker 2: Thanks for being here. Friends. I hope this episode came
Speaker 2: with some takeaways and maybe even some more understanding of
Speaker 2: our fellow humans. If you want to follow Haley, her
Speaker 2: instagram is at Haley dollar Hide. I'll put it in
Speaker 2: the description too, so it's easy to click. The next
Speaker 2: few weeks, we will be diving into the subject of
Speaker 2: disabilities with some very special guests. I'll talk to you
Speaker 2: all then