1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:02,560 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you are listening to the 2 00:00:02,640 --> 00:00:06,240 Speaker 1: Velvet Edge podcast. This week, my guest is Dr David 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:11,240 Speaker 1: Aryan licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist. I talked 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:14,920 Speaker 1: to Dr arian about what a healthy sex life really 5 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:19,720 Speaker 1: looks like. We talked about everything from porn to losing 6 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:23,400 Speaker 1: your erection to why intercourse and orgasm are not even 7 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,880 Speaker 1: the most important parts of sex. Through our conversation, I 8 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: realized that most children and adolescents did not grow up 9 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,200 Speaker 1: talking and learning about sex, so now most adults don't 10 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,199 Speaker 1: know how to either. Dr Geryon is here to help 11 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:39,919 Speaker 1: us navigate through these topics and offer insight on how 12 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: to keep sex fun and exciting in your relationships. While 13 00:00:43,479 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: we're moving any shame or judgment from these experiences, here's 14 00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: Dr Aryan. Okay, so we'll just dive right in. So 15 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: I've spent a couple of is on your website just 16 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 1: analyzing everything. Um, so there's a lot that I learned though, actually, 17 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,880 Speaker 1: and I find this whole topic fascinating. One of the 18 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:13,480 Speaker 1: things that I read was human sexual behavior is learned behavior. 19 00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 1: It's not instinctually based as it is in most animals. 20 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,480 Speaker 1: Can you tell us more about that what does that 21 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:25,920 Speaker 1: mean learned? That's a big deal actually, and many, uh 22 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,120 Speaker 1: many people have the belief that sex is instinctual and 23 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:33,000 Speaker 1: we should just know how to do it and if 24 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,880 Speaker 1: it doesn't go, well, maybe you're just with the wrong 25 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: person or something. But that overlooks the fact that sexist 26 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: learned behavior, which means humans have to learn how to 27 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:49,800 Speaker 1: do sex, and that means there's a learning curve, and that, 28 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:54,120 Speaker 1: uh is complicated by the fact that in our culture, 29 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:59,520 Speaker 1: we don't have many very good ways to learn about sex. Right. 30 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:03,640 Speaker 1: How are people learning about sex nowadays? Sadly mostly through porn, 31 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:09,760 Speaker 1: I believe, and I say sadly because porn is not 32 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: a documentary. It's not an educational product. It's entertainment, and 33 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 1: so it's kind of like so in analogous situation would 34 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 1: be to go watch an action movie with car chase 35 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:26,919 Speaker 1: scenes and figure out, well, that's how I need to drive, right. 36 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,639 Speaker 1: But that's funny because we all know that it's ridiculous. 37 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,799 Speaker 1: Exactly know it's ridiculous because we've grown up riding in cars. 38 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: We've grown ups, and they stay on the right hand 39 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:39,200 Speaker 1: side of the road and they do the speed limit 40 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,960 Speaker 1: and if not to get a ticket. And also it's 41 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:45,440 Speaker 1: talked about and we have drivers at with sex. We 42 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,960 Speaker 1: have none of that. So most of what we need 43 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: to know to be successful adults in our culture we 44 00:02:52,840 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: learn from adults in school, in church, in family, parents 45 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 1: of friends, um uh, TV, through open discussion. But about sexuality, 46 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: it's pretty much a taboo subject. That is so true, 47 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,960 Speaker 1: it's do you say? Also, our society does little to 48 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,840 Speaker 1: prepare us for adult sexual relationships, providing children few opportunities 49 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:26,400 Speaker 1: to gain balanced and accurate information about sexuality. Adolescents, through 50 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:31,280 Speaker 1: their own ingenuity, usually figure out the mechanics of sexual intercourse, 51 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,920 Speaker 1: but without active participation in open discussions with trusted adults, 52 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:40,040 Speaker 1: it's difficult for them to develop a healthy sexual identity. 53 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 1: This can have a profound effect on their future relationships. 54 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: So what are most people developing their sexual identity around? 55 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:51,880 Speaker 1: Or are we at all well? Um? I can remember 56 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:54,560 Speaker 1: as an adolescent, I was already trying to piece it together. 57 00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: It was a puzzle. It was a mysterious puzzle, um, 58 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 1: and it wasn't It didn't feel safe to ask anybody 59 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:09,440 Speaker 1: because it was pretty clear from tacit messages in my 60 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,040 Speaker 1: family that we didn't talk about these things. My dad 61 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 1: handed me a book when I was thirteen or fourteen 62 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,479 Speaker 1: and said, read this and let me know if you 63 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:20,360 Speaker 1: have any questions. Did you ask any questions? Are you kidding? 64 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,839 Speaker 1: I had no questions. I mean, I had a million questions, 65 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 1: but it didn't feel possible to talk about it. So 66 00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:35,200 Speaker 1: we don't ever learn because we don't have those conversations. 67 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:39,279 Speaker 1: But our parents probably didn't learn either. So how what 68 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 1: would you say a healthy sexual identity even is? So 69 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,200 Speaker 1: I want to make a subtle distinction between healthy sex 70 00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:00,800 Speaker 1: and sexual health. Okay, tell me more. Okay, I don't 71 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:05,560 Speaker 1: understand healthy sex implies that someone is making a judgment. 72 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,960 Speaker 1: This is healthy, this is not. Maybe it's this action 73 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:14,600 Speaker 1: is healthy, these actions are not healthy. Or this amount 74 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:19,960 Speaker 1: of sex is healthy, this amount is nonhealthy. The trouble 75 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:27,080 Speaker 1: with that is that human sexuality is an enormously varied domain. 76 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:31,760 Speaker 1: Any sexual practice you can imagine people have done it 77 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,920 Speaker 1: and are probably doing it at this moment somewhere on 78 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:43,799 Speaker 1: the planet UM and UH. Often religions or cultures develop 79 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: UH somewhat restrictive ideas about what's healthy and what's not UM. 80 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:54,440 Speaker 1: Another thing we hear about some of these days is 81 00:05:55,440 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: UM that UH, someone is too interested in sex or 82 00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:04,600 Speaker 1: they're not interested enough, and both of those are seen 83 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,359 Speaker 1: as unhealthy. And I think it's most helpful to take 84 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:14,279 Speaker 1: out this judgment aspect because there's a lot of judgment 85 00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:18,320 Speaker 1: around sexuality our culture anyway, and in my view, it's 86 00:06:18,360 --> 00:06:25,160 Speaker 1: not helpful. UM. Instead, I want to just reach your 87 00:06:25,279 --> 00:06:38,280 Speaker 1: quote from a book that talks about sexual health principles, UM. 88 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 1: And these are guidelines that the authors developed based on 89 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:49,680 Speaker 1: some things that David Satcher, the former Surgeon General UH 90 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:53,880 Speaker 1: said and wrote some years ago, as well as some 91 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 1: work done by the World Health Organization in the World 92 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:02,840 Speaker 1: Association of dolier s were all the Association of Sexuality 93 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:08,599 Speaker 1: or something like that, but international and national UH groups 94 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: that have given a lot of thoughts, well, if we 95 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,760 Speaker 1: were going to paint a picture of sexual health, what 96 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:17,560 Speaker 1: might that look like? And this is moving away from 97 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: anal sex is not healthy and UH intercourse is healthy 98 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 1: and if you do more than eleven times of intercourse 99 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 1: in a week, you know you're an addict. Those are 100 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: judgments moving away from that, transcending that. So the first 101 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:43,040 Speaker 1: sexual health principle is consent, So healthy sex is consensual. 102 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:46,880 Speaker 1: Sexual health let's see, I fell into it. I said 103 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 1: a healthy sex. UM. When sexual activity between adults is consensual, 104 00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:03,640 Speaker 1: it contributes to sexual health. When it's not consensual, it 105 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:11,400 Speaker 1: detracts from sexual health. UM. Non exploitation is a principle. 106 00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:20,920 Speaker 1: So sexual behavior that is induced by manipulation or trickery 107 00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: or bribery or guilty or shaming does not contribute to 108 00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:30,440 Speaker 1: sexual health. So sexual health and the big picture is 109 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:35,760 Speaker 1: a sense of wellness about one sexual being and what 110 00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:41,200 Speaker 1: one is doing sexually. Another principle is protection from HIV, 111 00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:47,920 Speaker 1: sexually transmitted infections, and unintained pregnancy. So uh, and these 112 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:53,599 Speaker 1: are threats that can loom over a sexual relationship or 113 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:58,199 Speaker 1: detract from, um, the enjoyment and pleasure of that. So 114 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 1: that would also bring up communication an honesty. Yeah. And 115 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:10,040 Speaker 1: honesty is the next principle. Yeah. So it's about transparency 116 00:09:10,559 --> 00:09:20,360 Speaker 1: and UM willingness to discuss openly what what's going on, 117 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:26,640 Speaker 1: like you know, one's disease status or infection status. UM. 118 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:33,679 Speaker 1: Another sexual health principle has shared values, meaning uh that 119 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:42,080 Speaker 1: there is some UM mutuality of connection around how the 120 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:46,800 Speaker 1: world is perceived. UM. And and that can take any 121 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:52,680 Speaker 1: kind of I mean all kinds of forms. Um, it's 122 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:56,800 Speaker 1: not just about how one feels politically, but what one 123 00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:03,000 Speaker 1: values in relationship. So if kindness is a shared value, 124 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,920 Speaker 1: that's going to contribute to sexual health, for example. But 125 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:12,079 Speaker 1: that also I mean like relationship goals like is this 126 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:14,880 Speaker 1: Are we looking for a long term relationship? Are those 127 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:18,160 Speaker 1: considered values that could be a part of it? Sure, 128 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,440 Speaker 1: So if one person is looking for a long term 129 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: partner and the other person is looking for a hook up, 130 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,439 Speaker 1: there's gonna be some discrepancy there, and each person may 131 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 1: well feel uh that they're not having the most satisfactory 132 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:39,440 Speaker 1: experience that would help them feel well and whole and 133 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 1: um satisfied. Uh. In the last principle H is mutual pleasure. 134 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: So I often say to my clients who come in 135 00:10:53,720 --> 00:11:00,360 Speaker 1: with sexual difficulties, things like uh, erection problems, orgasm problems, 136 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:03,800 Speaker 1: that a part of the issue is that we put 137 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 1: so much focus on intercourse and um orgasm. So we 138 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:16,079 Speaker 1: use the word sex often to mean intercourse. I had 139 00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: sex last night means I had intercourse last night. But 140 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 1: I think it's better to to use the term sex 141 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: and sexuality to talk about the whole range of human 142 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:34,439 Speaker 1: behaviors that are about connection and pleasure. So it can 143 00:11:34,480 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: be from uh talking to flirting, to caressing, to touching, 144 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: to holding to kissing, you know, and intercourse is just 145 00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:47,920 Speaker 1: at the end of a long line of uh those things. 146 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:56,880 Speaker 1: Um and so, rather than focus on intercourse and orgasm, 147 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:00,679 Speaker 1: which places a goal, so the whole point of this 148 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,959 Speaker 1: is for both people to get off, you know. That 149 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:08,840 Speaker 1: places a kind of performance pressure on what's happening. We 150 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:14,000 Speaker 1: gotta get there so now. And sometimes when I talk 151 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:20,360 Speaker 1: to people, it becomes clear that when they are UM 152 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,680 Speaker 1: having intercourse with their partner, that there's a kind of 153 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:25,959 Speaker 1: a straining to get to the goal. I'm like, let's 154 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 1: get there. And I think that puts way too much 155 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:34,800 Speaker 1: pressure on the participants and there is therefore less pleasure. 156 00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: So I think the touchstone of great sex is shared pleasure, 157 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:48,000 Speaker 1: giving pleasure, receiving pleasure. And if that's the focus, all 158 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,880 Speaker 1: the other things are very likely to happen. Or if 159 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:55,520 Speaker 1: they don't, who cares, because it's wonderful. That's so interesting 160 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: to think about, just thinking about the intercourse and the 161 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,040 Speaker 1: ending part of it, because I do think that that's 162 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,040 Speaker 1: so true in our society. I read about you said, 163 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:07,280 Speaker 1: our society is sex obsessed. We are bombarded with sexual 164 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 1: images in the media. It's easy to think that one 165 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: should be having great sex all of the time. On 166 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: the other hand, our society has sexually repressed. Most children 167 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:20,000 Speaker 1: are not given adequate information about healthy sexuality, but they're 168 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,960 Speaker 1: left to figure it out on their own with guidance 169 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:26,880 Speaker 1: of locker room talk, romantic novels and movies, and pornography. 170 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:30,199 Speaker 1: So how has pornography changed things for us with a 171 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,040 Speaker 1: society with sex? I mean, I think this is a 172 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,920 Speaker 1: great point, just thinking about the actual intercourse and the ending, 173 00:13:36,559 --> 00:13:40,439 Speaker 1: but we missed the whole other parts of it, or 174 00:13:40,559 --> 00:13:44,760 Speaker 1: we uh if if we refer to it all, we 175 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,120 Speaker 1: call it for plug like it's kind of warn up, 176 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,760 Speaker 1: warm up. It's like somebody warming up the audience before 177 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,800 Speaker 1: the real show happens. Right, So you're saying that's actually 178 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:57,640 Speaker 1: a part of sex. Yeah, I'm actually saying that's the 179 00:13:57,679 --> 00:14:01,320 Speaker 1: real show, and of course may happen as a part 180 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:05,400 Speaker 1: of that. But I mean, you know, many people, when 181 00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:08,000 Speaker 1: you ask them about what's the greatest sext you ever had, 182 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:12,120 Speaker 1: have had enjoyed in your life, may talk about early 183 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:15,800 Speaker 1: early experiences with a partner, and maybe they didn't even 184 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:19,360 Speaker 1: have intercourse, but it was so amazing to touch each other. 185 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,200 Speaker 1: It was so amazing to kiss in that way, or 186 00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: to talk in that way. And I think as people 187 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:30,720 Speaker 1: have more sexual experience, they're attempted to rush past those 188 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 1: less dramatic things perhaps and rushed towards try to hurry 189 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:40,720 Speaker 1: towards orgasm. And I think a lot is missed with that. 190 00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,320 Speaker 1: Something big happened around two thousand, which was that was 191 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: when broadband internet became widely available in this country for 192 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:54,400 Speaker 1: the majority of people that access to fast internet, and 193 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:58,000 Speaker 1: with that comes easy and easy or access to porn. 194 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:03,240 Speaker 1: Any fourteen year old, any twelve year old, within fifteen 195 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 1: seconds can be watching porn. And um, so it's had 196 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,720 Speaker 1: several consequences. One consequence is it's freaked everybody out, all 197 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,200 Speaker 1: the grown ups, Oh my god. And it's taken the 198 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:26,440 Speaker 1: form of a moral panic, like you know, ah, well, 199 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: I got an email two days ago, the subject line 200 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: of which was porn ruined my marriage. Uh, and that's 201 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:42,320 Speaker 1: kind of a moral panic statement. Uh. I don't think 202 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: porn invaded the home and at gunpoint, and you know, um, 203 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,000 Speaker 1: somebody chose to watch it, and somebody chose not to 204 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,320 Speaker 1: talk about it, and somebody chose to think it was 205 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: true and they should try to show their love that 206 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:03,320 Speaker 1: way too. And um, so with that as a backdrop, 207 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,080 Speaker 1: everybody's seen porn and a lot of people have seen 208 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 1: a lot of it, and it's particularly troubling with young 209 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,880 Speaker 1: people who are trying to piece it together. What is 210 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: this sex thing? You know? They're trying to learn because 211 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:25,000 Speaker 1: we want to understand the world, and um so, uh, 212 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,920 Speaker 1: it's easier to turn to porn. And it's easy to 213 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: make the assumption because this looks vivid, are realistic somehow 214 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,520 Speaker 1: that it is in fact real and and there are 215 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,960 Speaker 1: some real things one can learn from watching porn. But 216 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,240 Speaker 1: how does a fourtune year old sort all that out? 217 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:48,200 Speaker 1: What's what part is real and what part is show biz? Um, 218 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:54,400 Speaker 1: probably most women don't enjoy wearing heels in bed, and uh, 219 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: most people are not infinitely and always ready for sex 220 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:03,080 Speaker 1: in public or anywhere with however, many people you know, 221 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:08,920 Speaker 1: so so much of porn is um show biz, it's 222 00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:19,240 Speaker 1: entertainment and and so it's uh, elements are um it's 223 00:17:19,280 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: my word amplified. They're they're kind of the volumes turned 224 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:27,359 Speaker 1: up on the things that are edgy or daring or 225 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:32,159 Speaker 1: something like that. Um, And a young person watching it 226 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:36,560 Speaker 1: has no way to judge how this might really fit. So, like, 227 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,920 Speaker 1: choking is a thing, you know, and people are growing 228 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 1: concerned about choking. And uh, my office partner has a 229 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:50,040 Speaker 1: client who says that he can't enjoy sex with a 230 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 1: woman unless he's choking her. Is that just because that's 231 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:57,160 Speaker 1: how he's always learned how to do it? My guess 232 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,840 Speaker 1: is that comes from watching porn and that it looks 233 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:06,560 Speaker 1: exciting there, and uh, they're grown up doing it, and 234 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,880 Speaker 1: so that must be the real thing. And maybe this 235 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,080 Speaker 1: guy tried that and got a charge from it, you know. 236 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 1: A question is was that consensual with his partners? And 237 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:23,040 Speaker 1: maybe or maybe not, we don't know. Um. And I 238 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,640 Speaker 1: think even choking could be okay if it's consensual, if 239 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,160 Speaker 1: it's if they're boundaries, if there are like a safe word, 240 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:34,440 Speaker 1: you know, if that's part of if that's part of 241 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:40,960 Speaker 1: the play of sex. Um. But again, my concern comes 242 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 1: back to how young people make sense of this, well, right, 243 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:48,000 Speaker 1: because you bring up romantic novels, So there's also like 244 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,320 Speaker 1: the movies, you know, and so the two things that 245 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 1: we're learning as we grow up are either the extreme 246 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,320 Speaker 1: of porn or the extreme of a magical movie fairy 247 00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,199 Speaker 1: tale where you don't have a job, you don't have kids, 248 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,359 Speaker 1: you don't have trauma from your past. You fall in 249 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,840 Speaker 1: love and you're making love in Italy or something you know, 250 00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:11,760 Speaker 1: which is very unrealistic to what sex can actually look like. 251 00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:15,600 Speaker 1: So where are we supposed to learn how to do 252 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:23,480 Speaker 1: it healthy, healthily? Great question? Huh. Um. I think we're 253 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,520 Speaker 1: doing a little better as a society. I mean, there 254 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:31,560 Speaker 1: are a lot of individuals and groups who are knowledgeable 255 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:37,679 Speaker 1: who are trying to offer kinds of educational opportunities. Um, 256 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:42,280 Speaker 1: but the truth is that's few and far between. Um, 257 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,560 Speaker 1: there are plenty of great books out there. When not 258 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:50,359 Speaker 1: everybody reads books, Um, there's a lot of fumbling around 259 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:57,280 Speaker 1: in the dark, frankly literally and figuratively. And uh, it's 260 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:01,960 Speaker 1: possible to learn a lot that way and finding a 261 00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:09,960 Speaker 1: um that's my word, a partner with whom one has 262 00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:15,400 Speaker 1: respect and trust and there's kindness and uh. The ability 263 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:20,200 Speaker 1: are are are the willingness to explore talking about what 264 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:26,159 Speaker 1: they're doing together. People can teach each other, people can learn. UM. 265 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:30,320 Speaker 1: I often use a metaphor of what if we could 266 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,960 Speaker 1: learn to talk about sex the way we already know 267 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 1: how to talk about food, you know, and food is 268 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,320 Speaker 1: like driving. We've talked, we've heard it talked about, we've 269 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:43,440 Speaker 1: talked about all our lives. We've been around people and 270 00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:46,560 Speaker 1: discussing the food, what they want to eat, how it tastes, 271 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,840 Speaker 1: you know, all of that. And uh, if you're going 272 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,480 Speaker 1: to a special meal with your special person, you know, 273 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,840 Speaker 1: you go to a nice place, you talk about the food, 274 00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,840 Speaker 1: You look at it, you taste it, you smell it, 275 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:03,200 Speaker 1: you share it, you talk about it afterwards, talk about 276 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,040 Speaker 1: the experience. What if we could talk about sex that way, 277 00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,959 Speaker 1: because it's essential experience as well. I really like it 278 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:16,000 Speaker 1: when you touch me this way or that's nice touch. 279 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:20,080 Speaker 1: What if you move your hand a little more slowly, 280 00:21:21,119 --> 00:21:28,160 Speaker 1: are you know, give feedback of various kinds um or two? Uh, 281 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:33,080 Speaker 1: talk about the sexual interaction the next day. You know, 282 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: last night was great and what I really liked was 283 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:41,480 Speaker 1: X And what was it like for you? You know, 284 00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:46,080 Speaker 1: which is kind of a way adults can learn to 285 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:52,119 Speaker 1: share together and learn what went well and clarify what 286 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:58,280 Speaker 1: went not so well and change and grow. Too many 287 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:01,919 Speaker 1: couples find some kind of sexual pattern that kind of 288 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 1: works and they stick with that forever, which is a 289 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:12,080 Speaker 1: recipe for boredom. We're also meant you're talking about communicating 290 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:15,720 Speaker 1: about sex though, since and since we've never or most 291 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,680 Speaker 1: of us have never done that. I know I didn't 292 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,960 Speaker 1: grow up in a house doing that, So how do 293 00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:21,920 Speaker 1: we learn how to talk about it? I feel like 294 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: if I even tried to say half of the things 295 00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 1: are saying to a partner, I would feel so awkward. Okay, 296 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 1: well does feel awkward? Yeah? You know, doing a new 297 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,760 Speaker 1: thing is guaranteed to feel feel awkward and we're not 298 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,880 Speaker 1: going to be good at it or graceful. I think 299 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,400 Speaker 1: about learning to ski, for example, I was not graceful. 300 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:42,800 Speaker 1: You know, learning to walk we fall down a lot, right, 301 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 1: So it's going to feel awkward, and the challenges to 302 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:52,439 Speaker 1: have the courage and maybe the trust two try it 303 00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 1: with someone who's also willing to try it as an experiment. 304 00:22:57,359 --> 00:23:01,560 Speaker 1: What if we talked more about what we do together? Uh? 305 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 1: And so we can learn by doing um. There are 306 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: some podcasts UM. The only one I can think of 307 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:15,600 Speaker 1: right now by name is done by Esther Perel p 308 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: E r E L. And she has UM. I don't 309 00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:24,399 Speaker 1: know a lot of different segments, but she's very articulate 310 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,679 Speaker 1: and very comfortable talking about sexuality. Do you know the 311 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,679 Speaker 1: name of the podcast? I don't. I could google her 312 00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:41,840 Speaker 1: name E. S. T. E. R. Um And, and her 313 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,560 Speaker 1: books are great to read. Her first book is called 314 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:51,480 Speaker 1: Mating in Captivity, which is a great title, and she 315 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:58,080 Speaker 1: talks about the challenge of being in a settled relationship 316 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:02,200 Speaker 1: in which safety and security are very important, and yet 317 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:07,680 Speaker 1: keeping the erotic spark alive, which often relies upon uncertainty 318 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:12,800 Speaker 1: and what's going to happen next for that charge um 319 00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,320 Speaker 1: And she's very articulate in talking about that. And her 320 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:22,880 Speaker 1: second book is called um I Can't Remember the tidle 321 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,880 Speaker 1: of It. It's about infidelity, and it's the best book 322 00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:29,600 Speaker 1: about infidelity I've read. Uh And she gives lots and 323 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:34,760 Speaker 1: lots of case examples. So she's a good storyteller. There's 324 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,720 Speaker 1: probably a growing number of podcasts that are just about sexuality. 325 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,080 Speaker 1: Talking about this, Yeah, as you think it's interesting, it's 326 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,440 Speaker 1: you know, you look for that safety and the ability 327 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:47,280 Speaker 1: to communicate with For me, I would need to feel 328 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,879 Speaker 1: safe and like I was in a relationship where we 329 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: both had that goal like you're saying, but exactly like 330 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 1: what you said, The exciting part of sex sometimes is 331 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,600 Speaker 1: the uncertainty, and it's the newness, and it's you know, 332 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: a new partner and on all of those things, How 333 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:09,560 Speaker 1: would you communicate in a in a new situation like that? Well, 334 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:13,880 Speaker 1: it's harder when you know the person less, well, unless 335 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:21,000 Speaker 1: there's kind of a a a charge of openness. You 336 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:24,560 Speaker 1: know how, Sometimes if you're on a plane going across 337 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:28,200 Speaker 1: the country, you might tell some things to the person 338 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:32,119 Speaker 1: city next to you wouldn't tell your friends. And the 339 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 1: thing is you're not gonna see them again. It's kind 340 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:40,119 Speaker 1: of that's a kind of a safety anonymity. So in 341 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:46,240 Speaker 1: a hook up, that kind of thing could occur. I think, um, uh, 342 00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:51,280 Speaker 1: it's tricky though, um because on the one hand, we 343 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:55,359 Speaker 1: kind of divorce and by way I mean culturally, we 344 00:25:55,480 --> 00:26:01,240 Speaker 1: kind of divorce sex from feeling from emotion, And yet 345 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:06,880 Speaker 1: the act of being sexually intimate with someone pretty surely 346 00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:11,959 Speaker 1: if we show up with our whole self um involves 347 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:16,080 Speaker 1: and engages us at an emotional level. We we may 348 00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:22,160 Speaker 1: feel vulnerable and uh so how do we navigate that? 349 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:24,520 Speaker 1: And most of us want to keep some guard up 350 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:30,040 Speaker 1: and yet the most amazing sex is when the guard 351 00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:34,360 Speaker 1: can go down, when it feels safe enough or it's 352 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:39,240 Speaker 1: somehow exciting enough that we've thrown caution to the winds 353 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:43,760 Speaker 1: in a way and allowed ourselves to really show up 354 00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:50,479 Speaker 1: emotionally and physically kind of without our energy shield up. 355 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:54,520 Speaker 1: What are your thoughts on Well, I'll have two parts 356 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,480 Speaker 1: of this question. One thing that I've really noticed in 357 00:26:56,520 --> 00:27:00,959 Speaker 1: society with women that bothers me is this new sense 358 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: of quote unquote owning your sexuality. You know, women are 359 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,800 Speaker 1: trying to take their power back in that world. But 360 00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:12,600 Speaker 1: to me, what I see that translated as is um 361 00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:15,600 Speaker 1: having a lot of partners or just feeling like you don't. 362 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,919 Speaker 1: And I have no judgment to any number of partners, 363 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,760 Speaker 1: whatever it is for that person. But instead of actually 364 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,919 Speaker 1: owning your sexuality and finding all of the things you 365 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,919 Speaker 1: just described, you know, the intimate parts of that um, 366 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:32,520 Speaker 1: it seems like there's this craze for the one night 367 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:38,080 Speaker 1: stands or just overly sexualized situations. What are your thoughts 368 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 1: on that? Well, maybe that's a step, what do you mean, 369 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 1: Maybe that's a part of a journey. Maybe that's not 370 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:51,119 Speaker 1: the destination, and we don't know, and there are people 371 00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,359 Speaker 1: who go through life and have five thousand partners, say 372 00:27:54,920 --> 00:28:00,800 Speaker 1: one time, and I don't feel comfortable making a judgment 373 00:28:00,840 --> 00:28:03,560 Speaker 1: about that. That's not how I want to be. That 374 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:07,640 Speaker 1: work for me, Maybe it works for that person. I'm 375 00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:13,640 Speaker 1: hoping those exchanges were all consensual, mutually pleasurable, and so 376 00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:21,360 Speaker 1: nobody loses with that. Um. You know, I think we 377 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:25,879 Speaker 1: learned by making approximations. What I mean is learned. But 378 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,680 Speaker 1: we learned best by trial and error, and we learned 379 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,000 Speaker 1: best of all by error that whoop's not gonna do 380 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:39,480 Speaker 1: that again. That didn't work out right? Um, And I 381 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 1: think most of us learned by making successive approximations. We 382 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:46,440 Speaker 1: try stuff, we take another step, Well, this isn't going 383 00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:50,360 Speaker 1: so well. What if I try talking more, and I 384 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:55,160 Speaker 1: try talking more and it goes better, Well, I might 385 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:58,680 Speaker 1: do more of that. You know, we usually respond to 386 00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,959 Speaker 1: positive reinforcement. If something works well, we tend to do 387 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:10,560 Speaker 1: more of it. Um. So I think it's possible to 388 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,720 Speaker 1: perhaps have a moral panic feeling about oh my goodness, 389 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:23,120 Speaker 1: you know, everybody's having all these partners in h But 390 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:27,880 Speaker 1: I think that's a little um. Well, the word hysterical 391 00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:32,720 Speaker 1: comes to mind, it's a little over the top. Um. 392 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:37,200 Speaker 1: I think people are trying to find their way, and uh, 393 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 1: more power to everybody who's trying to find it. And 394 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:44,280 Speaker 1: I don't know how to judge and tell them how 395 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:47,520 Speaker 1: they should do it, right, I like that no judgment. 396 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,040 Speaker 1: So it's really about going back to your that checklist 397 00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,920 Speaker 1: that you mentioned at the beginning of it, to listening 398 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:57,840 Speaker 1: to yourself and answering those questions. Let's talk about because 399 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:01,840 Speaker 1: your main practice is is mostly with couples dealing with 400 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:08,760 Speaker 1: sex in the relationships. Uh, there's a combination of couples 401 00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:17,560 Speaker 1: and individuals. So sometimes people come with UM, um sexual 402 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,000 Speaker 1: I don't like the word dysfunction, sexual disappointments of one 403 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:27,760 Speaker 1: kind or another um, And uh, so there's that, but 404 00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:30,120 Speaker 1: there's also I see a lot of couples. So what's 405 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 1: the what are the top things you see couples struggling 406 00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:44,240 Speaker 1: with nowadays with sex in their relationships? UM. I think 407 00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 1: it's that many people are struggling with knowing how to 408 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:55,280 Speaker 1: even talk about it with their partners, and um, so 409 00:30:55,400 --> 00:30:59,120 Speaker 1: that makes everything worse. Something that could be that's a 410 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,640 Speaker 1: minor difficult salty, so to speak. If it can't be 411 00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:08,160 Speaker 1: talked about can easily metastasize into a big difficulty. Uh. 412 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,840 Speaker 1: And I think a common thing that happens is that 413 00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:15,640 Speaker 1: people avoid sex. So there's a lot of talk these 414 00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: days about low desire that are no sex marriages. Uh. 415 00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,440 Speaker 1: I think much of that is attributable to people run 416 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:29,920 Speaker 1: into some kind of difficulty. They get their feelings hurt, 417 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,360 Speaker 1: or they get disappointed in some way, or something's not 418 00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:38,120 Speaker 1: working well, and they feel unable to talk about it, 419 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:42,560 Speaker 1: and so they tend to pull back and and to 420 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:47,160 Speaker 1: be avoided. So if a man, for example, loses his 421 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:52,240 Speaker 1: erection one time, uh, that's a pretty emotional thing for 422 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:56,680 Speaker 1: most men, and most men don't talk to each other 423 00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,640 Speaker 1: about these things. I was talking to a guy last 424 00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 1: night who's a professional man who's in his fifties. He's 425 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,440 Speaker 1: kind of on top of his game, and he lost 426 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:09,280 Speaker 1: his erection a couple of weeks ago, and it's like, 427 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:15,400 Speaker 1: oh my god, you know, and uh, he's still a 428 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 1: couple of weeks later, struggling with his confidence are his 429 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:24,240 Speaker 1: You know, I've always been able to rely on this, 430 00:32:24,440 --> 00:32:29,600 Speaker 1: But what does this mean? Who? You know? It goes deep. Uh. 431 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:33,280 Speaker 1: But when people are unable to talk about things that 432 00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:38,120 Speaker 1: cuts off well, first it isolates the person and then 433 00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:43,480 Speaker 1: it cuts off possible avenues of learning and growth. Uh. 434 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: And people do turn to the internet and do lots 435 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:50,720 Speaker 1: of searching, and there's some useful stuff on the internet. 436 00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,000 Speaker 1: There's also some not useful stuff on the internet, and like, 437 00:32:54,240 --> 00:33:01,479 Speaker 1: what what do you mean by that? Well, example is 438 00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:11,320 Speaker 1: there are websites that are designed to help men stop masturbating. 439 00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:17,520 Speaker 1: One of them is called no fap dot com. Fap 440 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:21,960 Speaker 1: is the sound that guys sometimes make as they, oh 441 00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:26,280 Speaker 1: my God, touch themselves fa fa fap. So, I mean 442 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:28,600 Speaker 1: it's kind of a ridiculous, right, It's not like a 443 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:34,040 Speaker 1: professional site, but it comes out of the sexual addiction 444 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:39,200 Speaker 1: framework sees it as kind of the moral fightaling and 445 00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: so we gotta nipt this in the bud and stop it. Um. 446 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:48,720 Speaker 1: I don't think that's accurate information, and it's it's judgmental 447 00:33:48,960 --> 00:34:01,600 Speaker 1: and shaming. And um masturbation is also a a natural act. Uh. 448 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:11,200 Speaker 1: There are sonograms of um uh male and female infants 449 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:16,520 Speaker 1: in utero touching their genitals and as the baby floats 450 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:21,160 Speaker 1: around the amniotic fluid. The most commonplace the limbs touched 451 00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:27,840 Speaker 1: is the mouth, and the second most commonplace is the genitials. So, um, 452 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:32,280 Speaker 1: babies in utero are responding to pleasure, and this felt 453 00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:34,439 Speaker 1: good to touch my mouth, It felt good to touch 454 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:40,520 Speaker 1: my gentiles, and it happens more frequently. Um uh. And 455 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:45,880 Speaker 1: so to build a culture of shame around the sense 456 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:50,880 Speaker 1: of pleasure one can get by touching oneself, I think 457 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: it just makes people feel bad about themselves and it 458 00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:59,279 Speaker 1: doesn't contribute to sexual health. So but again, would that 459 00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:03,319 Speaker 1: be a situation in a relationship where the conversation would 460 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:07,400 Speaker 1: be open that those things were happening or do you 461 00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:09,800 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying? Because I think it can become 462 00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:12,919 Speaker 1: such a secret and it's such a separate life from 463 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 1: a relationship that couldn't that cause strain on the sex 464 00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,640 Speaker 1: in the relationship? Yeah? And I would say about that 465 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:23,879 Speaker 1: is that masturbation is not the problem. It's not communicating 466 00:35:23,920 --> 00:35:29,000 Speaker 1: about nor nor communicating about sexual needs and wants, nor 467 00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,480 Speaker 1: communicating about how things are going between the two partners 468 00:35:33,680 --> 00:35:39,160 Speaker 1: or however many partners are. Um. And it's easy to 469 00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:44,360 Speaker 1: demonize masturbation, and of course it's porn's fault, and so 470 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:48,640 Speaker 1: we're back to the moral panic again. Um. But I 471 00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:57,400 Speaker 1: think it's based on we have a cultural fear of sex. Um. 472 00:35:57,560 --> 00:36:00,359 Speaker 1: Years ago to conference, I was speaking with a person 473 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:04,000 Speaker 1: who comes from Australia and she was saying, what were 474 00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:07,759 Speaker 1: just you know, comparing notes about sex in American sex 475 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,319 Speaker 1: in Australia, And at one point she said, you know, 476 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,240 Speaker 1: we're lucky in Australia. We got the convicts. You guys 477 00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:17,200 Speaker 1: got the Puritans. And I think that's right, and they're 478 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:21,239 Speaker 1: alive and well inside all of us, most of us 479 00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:29,040 Speaker 1: at least. And um, so, I guess over the years 480 00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:33,720 Speaker 1: and working with sexual issues with people, I've developed a 481 00:36:33,840 --> 00:36:42,480 Speaker 1: kind of a nose for recognizing when there's shame or 482 00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:54,040 Speaker 1: judgment or anti pleasure sex negative um assumptions being made, 483 00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:58,760 Speaker 1: and um, if we can find a way around those 484 00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:03,880 Speaker 1: things on much better people can learn to talk with 485 00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:07,960 Speaker 1: each other. UM. I often say to folks that you know, 486 00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:12,759 Speaker 1: all all the adult problem solving skills you already have 487 00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:17,400 Speaker 1: developed can work in this arena too. You know, you 488 00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,920 Speaker 1: can figure out what you're gonna do for a vacation, 489 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,040 Speaker 1: you can figure out your budget, you can figure out 490 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:24,080 Speaker 1: how to raise your kids. You can figure out lots 491 00:37:24,080 --> 00:37:28,719 Speaker 1: of things by using your problem solving skills. Well, guess, 492 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:33,520 Speaker 1: what that works in the sexual arena also, so I 493 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:38,799 Speaker 1: want people to feel empowered that this is not some 494 00:37:38,880 --> 00:37:44,040 Speaker 1: kind of dark art that only uh uh, those who 495 00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:48,640 Speaker 1: have been initiated can possibly get. But then anybody can 496 00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:54,120 Speaker 1: learn just to say a bit more about what they're feeling, 497 00:37:54,239 --> 00:37:59,239 Speaker 1: what they want, what they're experiencing. That doesn't mean we 498 00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:05,160 Speaker 1: get it right automatically, but it's often more likely that 499 00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:07,120 Speaker 1: we will get what we want if we can find 500 00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:11,080 Speaker 1: a way to talk about it. So essentially, a healthy 501 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:15,719 Speaker 1: relationship around sex in your relationship mostly involves communication. It 502 00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:21,120 Speaker 1: sounds like, yeah, communication of all kinds with words is 503 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:26,400 Speaker 1: really important, but also with touch, with all the nonverbal 504 00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:30,279 Speaker 1: ways in which we express ourselves that were not even 505 00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:33,759 Speaker 1: aware of. And you and I may not even be 506 00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:39,360 Speaker 1: aware of what we're tuning in. What are our The 507 00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,880 Speaker 1: part of our brain that tunes into these things is 508 00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:46,960 Speaker 1: picking up. I mean, you're looking at me as I'm speaking, 509 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,879 Speaker 1: I'm looking at you. So just that says a lot, 510 00:38:50,320 --> 00:38:55,680 Speaker 1: you know that we that may go unremarked, but yet 511 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:59,520 Speaker 1: is a part of communication. So I often have a 512 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:03,840 Speaker 1: couple uh I take these two chairs fut in the 513 00:39:03,880 --> 00:39:06,799 Speaker 1: middle of the room, has them face each other to 514 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:09,799 Speaker 1: speak together, which in and of itself could feel kind 515 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:12,920 Speaker 1: of uncomfortable a lot of times. I mean, I'm just 516 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,200 Speaker 1: thinking about that in relationships I've been in, if I 517 00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:18,640 Speaker 1: was facing them, it would be intimidating because I'm not 518 00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,480 Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. The connection that feels very 519 00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:28,239 Speaker 1: intimate to me. It is. Eye contact is intense. Yeah, 520 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 1: and so but that's part of communication. And um I 521 00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 1: often notice I don't want to ask couples to face 522 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,000 Speaker 1: each other in mike eye contact for a minute. That's 523 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:44,000 Speaker 1: something softens maybe have been kind of blustering about this 524 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,799 Speaker 1: or that and you're doing it wrong. And then but 525 00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:49,719 Speaker 1: then I have them like eye contact and often a 526 00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:53,319 Speaker 1: lot of that melts away and they can speak from 527 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:59,000 Speaker 1: a deeper level that's more vulnerable, that's more real, and 528 00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:06,720 Speaker 1: that's more intimate. Um So, Yes, communication is important. Uh, 529 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:09,360 Speaker 1: it's vital, and there's a whole range of it that 530 00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:12,239 Speaker 1: we may not be paying a lot of attention to. Yeah, 531 00:40:12,239 --> 00:40:15,359 Speaker 1: the non verbals I never thought about that either. I'm 532 00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:18,600 Speaker 1: sure when you're frustrated you do certain things, right, is 533 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,760 Speaker 1: it those kind of things or what are the non verbals? 534 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,960 Speaker 1: So you know what it feels like when a friend 535 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:29,359 Speaker 1: or a partner comes home or you see them and 536 00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:33,560 Speaker 1: they smile when they see you, always meaning oh, it's 537 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,640 Speaker 1: great to see you. Or if they're stressed and they 538 00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:39,879 Speaker 1: don't smile, it feels very different, you know, or can 539 00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:47,680 Speaker 1: feel very different. Um. You know, we can't really um 540 00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:53,080 Speaker 1: uh program our non verbals. Uh. They're just they just are, 541 00:40:53,320 --> 00:40:56,600 Speaker 1: they just are. They're like I forget how many but 542 00:40:57,280 --> 00:41:00,759 Speaker 1: dozens of pairs of tiny muscles in the face. So 543 00:41:00,960 --> 00:41:05,040 Speaker 1: faces are so expressive, and we notice these things, but 544 00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:09,759 Speaker 1: we don't notice that we notice oft times. Um, but 545 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:16,000 Speaker 1: in an intimate relationship, those facial expressions can learn large. 546 00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,719 Speaker 1: Like sometimes I hear somebody say it feels like you 547 00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,600 Speaker 1: don't like me anymore, But as they talk, it turns 548 00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:27,240 Speaker 1: out the partner is really stressed, already scared about something, 549 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:31,640 Speaker 1: or worried about money or working. You know. Um. But 550 00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:37,560 Speaker 1: without adding the words to clarify the nonverbals, it can 551 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:41,000 Speaker 1: be it can remain ambiguous because we cannot. We don't 552 00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:45,839 Speaker 1: always read them correctly, and most of us are prone 553 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:50,400 Speaker 1: to taking things personally as well. Does it actually matter 554 00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:55,640 Speaker 1: how many times a week you're having sex? What tell 555 00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,319 Speaker 1: me more about that? Because there is such a I 556 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:00,239 Speaker 1: feel like there is such a big way in a 557 00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:05,160 Speaker 1: relationship on that, right. I guess it's a societal Yeah. 558 00:42:05,200 --> 00:42:11,440 Speaker 1: I think it's just a very superficial measurement that you 559 00:42:11,520 --> 00:42:15,560 Speaker 1: know itself, doesn't I don't think mean a lot. Uh. 560 00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:18,800 Speaker 1: It depends on what you want, depends on what both 561 00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:26,440 Speaker 1: partners in the couple want. Um and Uh. I think 562 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:30,359 Speaker 1: most couples face the challenge of one person may have 563 00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:34,439 Speaker 1: a higher level of desire than the other. Uh. And 564 00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:38,400 Speaker 1: it's not all men, it's about fifty fifty in my experience. 565 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:42,279 Speaker 1: And how does that couple figure out how to navigate that? 566 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:48,680 Speaker 1: You know? Um, I think affection is really important, physical affection, 567 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:54,360 Speaker 1: And when sex isn't going well between a couple, many 568 00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:58,600 Speaker 1: people pull away from even being physically affectionate because they 569 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:03,919 Speaker 1: don't want to UM have misunderstanding, like the partner thinks 570 00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:08,880 Speaker 1: they're proposing sex and really they're just feeling friendly, and 571 00:43:08,960 --> 00:43:12,279 Speaker 1: so they avoid the show of friendliness and and so 572 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:23,560 Speaker 1: the relationship can become starved of that exchange of affection. UM. 573 00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:26,920 Speaker 1: So I think if sex is more than just intercourse, 574 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:31,640 Speaker 1: if it's all the ways that have some level of 575 00:43:31,640 --> 00:43:39,920 Speaker 1: erotic charge that a couple interacts. It can be um, um, 576 00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:43,520 Speaker 1: just making eye contact. It can be you know, a 577 00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:48,279 Speaker 1: touch of the cheek, or you look great today, or uh, 578 00:43:49,239 --> 00:43:51,040 Speaker 1: can I give you a hug? Or would you give 579 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:54,719 Speaker 1: me a hug? Or um? Or do you want to 580 00:43:54,719 --> 00:43:58,879 Speaker 1: play together? Which some couples used to refer to being 581 00:43:59,239 --> 00:44:02,160 Speaker 1: sexual to other And I like that term. I think 582 00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:06,480 Speaker 1: sex is the way adults play together. I like that. 583 00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:09,200 Speaker 1: I never thought of it that way. Yeah, it takes 584 00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:13,200 Speaker 1: a lot of the pressure off. It just sounds fun. Yes, yes, yes, yes, 585 00:44:13,960 --> 00:44:17,880 Speaker 1: So I think too often sex can feel like a 586 00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:22,600 Speaker 1: chore or a test you can flunk, and both of 587 00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:25,719 Speaker 1: those are awful feelings. And so again it can lead 588 00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:30,120 Speaker 1: to avoidance. Test you can flunk. What do you mean? Well, 589 00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:34,560 Speaker 1: I heard a story the other day in which a 590 00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,480 Speaker 1: couple was on vacation. They've been married for thirty years 591 00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:48,400 Speaker 1: and I love each other very much, and um, so 592 00:44:49,239 --> 00:44:54,160 Speaker 1: they were gonna have sex and uh that was clear um. 593 00:44:54,200 --> 00:44:59,320 Speaker 1: And then the female partner made a comment, Uh, show 594 00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:02,359 Speaker 1: me how you're an not like so and so who 595 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:05,319 Speaker 1: was a friend, a mutual friend of theirs who had 596 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:10,680 Speaker 1: come out recently as gay. And maybe that was a joke. 597 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:19,600 Speaker 1: But the male person just became incredibly anxious. He just 598 00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:23,840 Speaker 1: became overwhelmed with anxiety. He couldn't function sexually, and he 599 00:45:23,920 --> 00:45:27,520 Speaker 1: felt ashamed and guilty, and she got upset. And I 600 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:38,960 Speaker 1: mean it was just a mess. Um, But it was about, um, 601 00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:40,919 Speaker 1: how do we get here? How do we get Why 602 00:45:40,920 --> 00:45:45,520 Speaker 1: am I telling this story? What was the question I said? 603 00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:50,760 Speaker 1: Now I can't remember. Um, you said something about the test, 604 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:55,680 Speaker 1: the test that felt like a test, and he knew 605 00:45:55,680 --> 00:45:59,120 Speaker 1: he was going to funk it. Yeah. Often, I also 606 00:45:59,200 --> 00:46:02,640 Speaker 1: have worked with several couples, more than several, in which 607 00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:08,960 Speaker 1: the female partner the male partner has what's called delayed ejaculation. 608 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:12,719 Speaker 1: It's kind of the opposite of premature ejaculate, meaning it 609 00:46:12,760 --> 00:46:14,480 Speaker 1: can take a long time to come, or he may 610 00:46:14,520 --> 00:46:20,120 Speaker 1: not come with intercourse. And I've worked with several cases 611 00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:23,520 Speaker 1: in which the female partner is convinced that the male 612 00:46:23,560 --> 00:46:26,520 Speaker 1: partner does not love her because she does not ejaculate. 613 00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:34,560 Speaker 1: And so we we're so programmed to think that guys 614 00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:37,880 Speaker 1: will just do that all the time, and programmed to 615 00:46:37,920 --> 00:46:42,040 Speaker 1: think that erections never fail and then Superman, and but 616 00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:48,920 Speaker 1: erections are very fragile. Well, so here's the physiology of interrection. 617 00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:55,040 Speaker 1: The capillaries in the penis, those blood vessels are lined 618 00:46:55,320 --> 00:47:01,719 Speaker 1: with a layer of smooth muscle cells and um, so, 619 00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:06,280 Speaker 1: smooth muscle cells are different than the fibrous muscle cells 620 00:47:06,320 --> 00:47:09,920 Speaker 1: we have. These are under conscious control. When you mean 621 00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:14,080 Speaker 1: conscious control. I can decide to flex my bicell yes, 622 00:47:14,200 --> 00:47:18,799 Speaker 1: I cannot decide to relax my smooth muscle cells. They're 623 00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:23,000 Speaker 1: not under conscious control. And it's the relaxation of those 624 00:47:23,040 --> 00:47:26,000 Speaker 1: smooth muscle cells in the lining of those blood vessels 625 00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:30,680 Speaker 1: that allows blood to flow into and engorge the penis, 626 00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:39,680 Speaker 1: which makes an erection. Anxiety, criticism, worry, fear, anything can 627 00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:44,960 Speaker 1: disrupt the relaxation of those smooth muscle cells. They clamp down, 628 00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:48,799 Speaker 1: you know, because oh my gosh, there's an emergency. Push 629 00:47:48,840 --> 00:47:51,719 Speaker 1: the blood out of the penis. The erection goes away. 630 00:47:52,239 --> 00:47:59,200 Speaker 1: So relaxation is key two. A strong erection, So that 631 00:47:59,239 --> 00:48:02,720 Speaker 1: could be from anything in life, not at all related 632 00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:06,280 Speaker 1: to what's happening in the moment. Yeah, there could be 633 00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:12,240 Speaker 1: a scary noise, right, but what a pressure that is? Like? Mentally, 634 00:48:12,320 --> 00:48:17,200 Speaker 1: if you can't control what's happening, is it ever too 635 00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:19,480 Speaker 1: late to change the way we think about sex, like, 636 00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:21,440 Speaker 1: are you ever just too old to not get it? 637 00:48:23,880 --> 00:48:29,480 Speaker 1: Old dogs can learn nature. And when you talk with 638 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:35,320 Speaker 1: couples who have, um, I've been together a long time 639 00:48:35,440 --> 00:48:40,680 Speaker 1: and they have a great sexual relationship together, it's different 640 00:48:40,719 --> 00:48:43,759 Speaker 1: every time it's new. How is it different every time 641 00:48:43,760 --> 00:48:46,880 Speaker 1: if you've been together for let's say twenty five years, 642 00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:51,000 Speaker 1: even because there's always more to learn, there's always more 643 00:48:51,040 --> 00:48:56,880 Speaker 1: to learn about each other or about sex both. Yes. 644 00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:03,160 Speaker 1: So this comes from an article. It's called the Components 645 00:49:03,200 --> 00:49:08,520 Speaker 1: of Optimal Sexuality, A Portrait of Great Sex. So Peggy 646 00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:13,200 Speaker 1: Klein Platts, who's a psychologist and sex therapist in Ottawa, Canada, 647 00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:18,000 Speaker 1: wrote this article, and uh she interviewed a lot of 648 00:49:18,040 --> 00:49:23,799 Speaker 1: people who were selected because they said they had experienced 649 00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:29,240 Speaker 1: great sex and they enjoy sex. And she specifically looked 650 00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:34,520 Speaker 1: for people of all ages and of all sexual orientations, 651 00:49:34,640 --> 00:49:37,600 Speaker 1: and some of whom were b D s M practitioners, 652 00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:41,080 Speaker 1: So a really wide range of people who were willing 653 00:49:41,120 --> 00:49:46,759 Speaker 1: to talk about what they UH enjoyed about their sexual experience. 654 00:49:47,520 --> 00:49:55,720 Speaker 1: And so she um analyzed these interviews and UH sorted 655 00:49:55,760 --> 00:50:01,120 Speaker 1: out what uh uh component came up again and again 656 00:50:01,120 --> 00:50:07,840 Speaker 1: in these interviews so here um the major components of 657 00:50:07,880 --> 00:50:12,359 Speaker 1: great sex. The first one is being present, focused and 658 00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:17,920 Speaker 1: in your body. The second is connection feeling the lines. 659 00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:26,359 Speaker 1: The third is deep sexual and erotic intimacy, which really 660 00:50:26,400 --> 00:50:31,640 Speaker 1: means an erotic charge and and an ability to share 661 00:50:31,719 --> 00:50:37,760 Speaker 1: that or communicate that or enjoy that together. The fourth 662 00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:45,880 Speaker 1: one is extraordinary communication heightened empathy. The fifth is authenticity 663 00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:54,120 Speaker 1: being genuine. The six is experiences of transcendence, bliss, peace, 664 00:50:54,719 --> 00:51:04,040 Speaker 1: transformation or healing. How the seventh is exploration, interpersonal risk 665 00:51:04,120 --> 00:51:08,719 Speaker 1: taking and fun, and the eighth is vulnerability and surrender. 666 00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:17,000 Speaker 1: And she identified two minor components of great sex. The 667 00:51:17,080 --> 00:51:21,640 Speaker 1: first is intense physical sensation and orgasm, and the second 668 00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:26,160 Speaker 1: one is lust, desire, chemistry or attraction. So in our 669 00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:33,000 Speaker 1: cultural narrative about this, we we think these minor components 670 00:51:33,560 --> 00:51:38,320 Speaker 1: are yet wow, and they're in the picture for sure. 671 00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:42,279 Speaker 1: But to these people that she interviewed, and it was 672 00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:45,360 Speaker 1: a pretty large number, I can't remember how many exactly 673 00:51:47,600 --> 00:51:51,200 Speaker 1: those were, of lesser importance. Was way more important was 674 00:51:52,320 --> 00:51:54,640 Speaker 1: the sense of trust, the sense of safety, the sense 675 00:51:54,680 --> 00:51:57,680 Speaker 1: of connection, being in the present moment, not knowing what's 676 00:51:57,680 --> 00:52:03,040 Speaker 1: going to happen next, being a little risky, play fun 677 00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:09,720 Speaker 1: those things so you can make a lifetime of that. Yeah. Wow, 678 00:52:10,000 --> 00:52:12,880 Speaker 1: I think that's a good place to end. Thank you 679 00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:19,120 Speaker 1: so much. For more about Dr Yerrian's practice, published work, 680 00:52:19,160 --> 00:52:23,319 Speaker 1: and recommended reads, visit David Yerian dot com. That's d 681 00:52:23,560 --> 00:52:27,239 Speaker 1: A v I D y A r I A n 682 00:52:27,760 --> 00:52:30,960 Speaker 1: dot com. This is Kelly Henderson and you've been listening 683 00:52:30,960 --> 00:52:34,600 Speaker 1: to the Velvet's Edge podcast. I truly believe that every 684 00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:37,080 Speaker 1: one of us has a little velvet and a little edge, 685 00:52:37,400 --> 00:52:39,840 Speaker 1: so it's so important to remember that to be strong, 686 00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:42,960 Speaker 1: you must be soft too. Thank you so much for 687 00:52:43,000 --> 00:52:45,920 Speaker 1: sharing in those stories with me. You can follow Velvet's 688 00:52:45,960 --> 00:52:49,120 Speaker 1: Edge on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as well as velvet's 689 00:52:49,160 --> 00:52:51,520 Speaker 1: Edge dot com. If you have it yet, go to 690 00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:55,839 Speaker 1: Apple Podcast and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. Join 691 00:52:55,960 --> 00:53:00,799 Speaker 1: me every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, beauty, and relationships. 692 00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:01,960 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening.