1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,320 Speaker 1: Chloe, and welcome to Cool People Who Did Cool Stuff, 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:07,640 Speaker 1: which is normally a show where I your host, Margaret Giltroy, 3 00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:09,840 Speaker 1: talked to you about cool people in history. But this 4 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:14,960 Speaker 1: week it's a very special holiday week. Everyone loves Thanksgiving. 5 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: There's a lot a terrible history of Thanksgiving that we're 6 00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:18,640 Speaker 1: going to get into in a little bit. This week 7 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:19,919 Speaker 1: will be a little bit different. We're going to do 8 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,520 Speaker 1: a short little bit of history, and then we're gonna 9 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,120 Speaker 1: do a little bit of fiction, because I think that's 10 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,280 Speaker 1: what I do when I don't have an entire episode, 11 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:32,000 Speaker 1: is I read you short stories because I write short stories, 12 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: and so then I can read them because I've written them. Today. 13 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:40,600 Speaker 1: My guest is very excited to be on the show, 14 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,320 Speaker 1: has never been on the show before. Is Sophie Lichtman. Sophie, 15 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 1: how are you? I'm good? I think you fiction because 16 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,760 Speaker 1: they ask you too, because I like it? Oh right? 17 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,800 Speaker 1: Is something. It has nothing to do with you know, 18 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:59,160 Speaker 1: not having time or anything like that. It's that I'm like, hey, 19 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,680 Speaker 1: can you do this thing that you're really good at 20 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:07,000 Speaker 1: that I enjoy that listeners also enjoy. Thanks. Yeah, okay, 21 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,400 Speaker 1: that that's what I'm doing. Very thankful for that, because it's, 22 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,040 Speaker 1: you know, a week of thanking for things thanks by 23 00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: I mean, let's talk about this really awesome, awesome thing. 24 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,399 Speaker 1: I can't even be serious about it. No, it's hard, 25 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,920 Speaker 1: and unfortunately I finally get to go back to my 26 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 1: roots of how I earned the name Killjoy, which was 27 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,840 Speaker 1: not by telling people about cool people, but instead by 28 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: complaining about things that people hold dear. I was so excited, Hooray, 29 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: we're gonna talk about Thanksgiving. The story of Thanksgiving is 30 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,759 Speaker 1: a lie on almost every conceivable level. The idea didn't 31 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 1: originate in North America. The first American Thanksgiving feast wasn't 32 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:51,800 Speaker 1: the pilgrims on Plymouth Rock In The colonists weren't actually 33 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,760 Speaker 1: very good to the indigenous people, even the specific nation 34 00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: that they made the treaty with. That the whole Thanksgiving 35 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: myth is built around, and the current incarnation of thanks 36 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: you mean isn't even directly related to the feast that 37 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,120 Speaker 1: they had in Plymouth rock YEP. One of the first 38 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,920 Speaker 1: days of Thanksgiving was in sixteen thirty eight English settlers 39 00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:12,840 Speaker 1: on a ship named Margaret. I literally included this part 40 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:15,360 Speaker 1: in the script because the ship was named Margaret, I 41 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:20,000 Speaker 1: mean respectfully and understand. Yeah, they showed up in Virginia 42 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,799 Speaker 1: and declared December four, six nineteen a day of Thanksgiving, 43 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,680 Speaker 1: and it was part of this Puritan idea. The idea 44 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 1: of Thanksgiving wasn't like something that they came up with 45 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:33,760 Speaker 1: once they were in North America. Puritans um famously not 46 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: fans of fun, and so they didn't or paganism, and 47 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,480 Speaker 1: they correctly assessed that all the Christian holidays were just 48 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: pagan holidays rebranded, and so they only had two holidays 49 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:50,400 Speaker 1: that really mattered to them. Days of Humiliation and Days 50 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: of Thanksgiving. I mean that sounds like, you know, an 51 00:02:55,360 --> 00:03:04,400 Speaker 1: average Wednesday for me. But okay, yeah, yeah, for some reason, 52 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: the Puritans and well, I guess I would say, you know, 53 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,960 Speaker 1: Protestant culture in American in general has forgotten about the 54 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,519 Speaker 1: first one. Not as big on the Days of Humiliation 55 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:16,040 Speaker 1: should be you know, a weekly day, you know, for 56 00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,080 Speaker 1: at least for like Congress in America or something. Yeah, 57 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,600 Speaker 1: it should be a day of humiliation each week. They 58 00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:30,160 Speaker 1: just get to, you know, make fun of some horrendous politician. Yeah. 59 00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 1: I think I didn't look a ton into it. I 60 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:37,240 Speaker 1: think it's like to humble ourselves to express humility. You know, 61 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,840 Speaker 1: I like my aversion better where you you take like 62 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,880 Speaker 1: Mitch McConnell from Senate and I'll let let you know, 63 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:49,440 Speaker 1: somebody from Congress throw things at them. Is either one 64 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:55,080 Speaker 1: it looks like a turtle. I can't remember. Yes, yes, yeah, 65 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: Like I'm like, as a matter of fact, if we're 66 00:03:57,080 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 1: being you know, factually accurate, he is, Yeah, okay, just 67 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: just checking making sure I have the right one in 68 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:06,800 Speaker 1: my head. The Thanksgiving in colonial America that we mythologized today, 69 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,360 Speaker 1: it is two years later from the set Margaret Once. 70 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: You've probably heard this story before. Have you heard of 71 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 1: these people, the Pilgrims, Sophie? I was fortunately for way 72 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: too long every I mean just an unbelievable amount of 73 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:30,400 Speaker 1: time in class in school. Unbelievable. Maybe I wasn't paying attention, 74 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,120 Speaker 1: But did you know that they didn't actually set out 75 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:37,000 Speaker 1: from England? They set out from the Netherlands. No, I mean, 76 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,280 Speaker 1: like they taught this in school. I realized it was 77 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: not a real story. And then I was like, I 78 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,839 Speaker 1: will not fact check this because funck them Like yeah, no, ya, totally, 79 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: many of them, many of the Puritans did set out 80 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,719 Speaker 1: from from England. But this other group, the separatist Puritans, 81 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,200 Speaker 1: who are the ones who get called the Pilgrims, set 82 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:58,360 Speaker 1: out from the Netherlands because they had already fled England 83 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,120 Speaker 1: and gone to and then Vilens, and then they continued 84 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,600 Speaker 1: on their way and then they came over here. And 85 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,800 Speaker 1: so those plucky Puritans, the Pilgrims, who would fucking hate 86 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,360 Speaker 1: this is the best part about it all. The Puritans 87 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: would hate that Thanksgiving Thanksgiving as a harvest feast, Like 88 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,120 Speaker 1: fundamentally it's a harvest feasts. It's a little bit weird. 89 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: That's a harvest feast. Every other culture celebrates harvest feast 90 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: around the time of the harvest, but we can't do 91 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,440 Speaker 1: anything right, so our harvest feast is at the end 92 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:31,280 Speaker 1: of November. But anyway, the Puritans fucking hate all pagan holidays, 93 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,200 Speaker 1: so they would fucking hate that their day of Thanksgiving 94 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:40,599 Speaker 1: is a fucking pagan harvest feast. Cool. So they show 95 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,160 Speaker 1: up on the Mayflower and they found Plymouth and they 96 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,440 Speaker 1: had a hard winter. They were like, I guess we'll 97 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:49,920 Speaker 1: just die. I mean, honestly, here's I'm just going back 98 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: for one second. If they had named that ship Margaret, 99 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,920 Speaker 1: maybe we would like them more. Maybe we like them more, 100 00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: that's true. Or maybe I would have had to pick 101 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 1: a different name out of that. Maybe maybe you would 102 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:09,520 Speaker 1: not be Margaret because you'd associated with that. Or May, Yeah, 103 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 1: you'd be May, You'd be Mayflower Killjoy. Yeah, Okay, not 104 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,960 Speaker 1: not a bad name. I'm not gonna lie like it. 105 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,760 Speaker 1: Kind of is a bob, I know, I know what. 106 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:23,600 Speaker 1: It's too steeped in the afromathic. I know. Wow, life 107 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:29,159 Speaker 1: could be different, I know, I know. Fortunately, according to this, 108 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 1: this myth that we all hear, the heroic indigenous people 109 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:36,159 Speaker 1: of a nearby nation, the Wampanoag, plus a plucky fellow 110 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,640 Speaker 1: name to Squantum, whom history remembers by the nickname a 111 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,600 Speaker 1: white guy gave him Squanto, who was the last surviving 112 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,320 Speaker 1: member of the patux At people, who are a subsection 113 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 1: of the Wampanoag. And they show up, especially this guy 114 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,520 Speaker 1: to Squantum, and he's like, hey, buds, here's some food 115 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:53,640 Speaker 1: and here's some knowledge. It's all going to be okay. 116 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 1: And he teaches them the basics of how not to 117 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,320 Speaker 1: die in North America, Like here's how to get maple sap, 118 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,840 Speaker 1: how to grow corn, how to catch eel. It's funny 119 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:02,840 Speaker 1: because like the first things you read are like taught 120 00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,400 Speaker 1: them how to catch fish, and then you read a 121 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: little bit more into it, it's like taught them how 122 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 1: to catch eels. And I think people were like grossed 123 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: out by the fact that people used to eat a 124 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:17,560 Speaker 1: ton of eels, and so like that Robert Evans, big 125 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:22,240 Speaker 1: big eel guy, big guy. Don't they like not know 126 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:26,800 Speaker 1: how eels reproduce? Even still, I have not looked into this, 127 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: but would not be surprised. There's a whole um historian. 128 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,920 Speaker 1: Sophie's good to continue with the story, so people pop 129 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,200 Speaker 1: back in. Okay, great, And you should also google medieval 130 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,960 Speaker 1: eel historian and come up with this guy's name, because 131 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: apparently people used to pay their taxes in medieval England 132 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,760 Speaker 1: with eels um and pay their rent with eels, and 133 00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: there was just this whole eel based system in medieval 134 00:07:55,840 --> 00:08:00,640 Speaker 1: England that no one john why probably I don't know, 135 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:05,560 Speaker 1: I don't remember names. Well, everyone should look up medieval 136 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,280 Speaker 1: evil history and listen to podcasts about it because they're 137 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:13,360 Speaker 1: very entertaining. But even despite all this help, half of 138 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,560 Speaker 1: the pilgrims died that winner, so critical support for winter 139 00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:20,360 Speaker 1: for killing half the Pilgrims. If it had killed all 140 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: of them, maybe the world would be a better place. 141 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:25,320 Speaker 1: I'm not a big This is going to come across 142 00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,560 Speaker 1: a little bit. I actually the heroes of the story 143 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:34,360 Speaker 1: are not the Pilgrims. I know, isn't that weird? So 144 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,920 Speaker 1: according to this story, next year, next harvest, the Pilgrims 145 00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,040 Speaker 1: were like, yeah, let's have a day of Thanksgiving, which 146 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,079 Speaker 1: is definitely not a pagan holiday, and we'll invite the 147 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,600 Speaker 1: indigenous people with whom we will be great friends and 148 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,720 Speaker 1: totally not try to wipe out. Except they didn't actually 149 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: call it a day of Thanksgiving back then. That just 150 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: like randomly, even though they would have called it a 151 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:57,719 Speaker 1: day of Thanksgiving, they probably didn't. The reason that to 152 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: Squantum was the surviving member of his people is because 153 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,800 Speaker 1: he had been enslaved by an English guy about seven 154 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:11,120 Speaker 1: years earlier. Basically this English quote explorer. It's so fucked up, 155 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,439 Speaker 1: like all these things are like, oh, we're off to 156 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,840 Speaker 1: go explore. But if you read all these explorers were like, look, 157 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,320 Speaker 1: we're just we're here to capture people. That's what we're doing. 158 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,600 Speaker 1: And so this guy was like, hey, come on, board 159 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,559 Speaker 1: my ship and we can trade. And twenty folks came 160 00:09:24,559 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: onto the ship, and then he kidnapped them and he 161 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: took them to Spain and never go on their ships, No, 162 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,240 Speaker 1: just went on. Once he was sold into slavery in Spain, 163 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,280 Speaker 1: he somehow escaped to London. He became a shipbuilder for 164 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 1: a while, or maybe apprentice with a shipbuilder, and then 165 00:09:40,679 --> 00:09:43,160 Speaker 1: eventually he was like, hey, I got an idea, we 166 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: should go back to North America and I know a 167 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,240 Speaker 1: good spot. Specifically it was the spot he was from 168 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,960 Speaker 1: because he wanted to get the funk home. And when 169 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:55,839 Speaker 1: he got home, literally everyone was dead from disease, and 170 00:09:55,920 --> 00:10:00,200 Speaker 1: so and the Wampanoag. Within a generation of this whole 171 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: like peace, love and happiness, Thanksgiving thing, the Pilgrims were 172 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,040 Speaker 1: breaking their treaties with them left and right. They were 173 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,800 Speaker 1: hanging the Wampanoag for bullshit crimes. They were stealing their food, 174 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,520 Speaker 1: they were demanding that they weren't allowed to go own guns. 175 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 1: The whole history of gun control goes real far back 176 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 1: with racism in this country. And they try to force 177 00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 1: them all to become Christian, all this ship and they 178 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,719 Speaker 1: leave them with no choice but go to war. It's 179 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:28,480 Speaker 1: called King Philip's War, the First Indian War, And that's 180 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,560 Speaker 1: not what we have time to go into today because 181 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,559 Speaker 1: this is literally just a section of me talking it 182 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,960 Speaker 1: on Thanksgiving. But but yeah, so these the people that 183 00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:39,200 Speaker 1: they were like supposedly friendly with or whatever, within a 184 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,160 Speaker 1: generation those people were like, fuck, you're trying to kill 185 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:44,760 Speaker 1: us all and had to go to war against the colonists. 186 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,720 Speaker 1: It also wasn't the first American Thanksgiving by a long shot. 187 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:53,440 Speaker 1: Some Spanish conquerors had done one consciously in fifteen sixty five. 188 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: The Virginia the Margaret people had done one a couple 189 00:10:56,160 --> 00:11:00,040 Speaker 1: of years earlier. It's not the actual story, but in 190 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,959 Speaker 1: the actual Thanksgiving we currently celebrate. Of course, a ton 191 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,440 Speaker 1: of indigenous people in North America had tons of harvest festivals, 192 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: as did fucking everybody on the planet except the Puritans, 193 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: who hated fun. So once again, the only joy I 194 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: can squeeze out of the story is the fact that 195 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,000 Speaker 1: the Puritans would be really upset about all of this. 196 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:21,160 Speaker 1: Do you want to know how how eels reproduce? Oh? 197 00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:23,320 Speaker 1: Is it known? How do eels reproduce? I know it 198 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,559 Speaker 1: was waiting. I was waiting to give you this information 199 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,640 Speaker 1: when you were going through there's nothing good here. Well, 200 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:32,360 Speaker 1: this is how eels reproduce. For example, it is known 201 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 1: that eels produce eggs. It is believed that eels reproduced 202 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:41,080 Speaker 1: through what is called external fertilization. This means that mating 203 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:45,040 Speaker 1: using sexual organs, females release eggs. Males then released sperm 204 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,080 Speaker 1: into the water, which then mixes with and fertilizes the eggs. 205 00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: So they don't actually like like, they reproduce, but they 206 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,880 Speaker 1: don't funk, is what I'm saying. I mean, you know, 207 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:59,520 Speaker 1: I don't know. I met some male eels. That seems fair. Word. 208 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: I've actually never met a mail that implies of whatever. Anyway, 209 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:10,559 Speaker 1: I guess who would be sponsoring this anti Thanksgiving episode today? Huh? 210 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,920 Speaker 1: The concept of a national day of mourning reflecting the 211 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:19,960 Speaker 1: fact that we're on stolen ground. Word, let's do it. 212 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,560 Speaker 1: I don't know why I've said words seven times this episode, 213 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: but here we are all right, and then you know 214 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:32,680 Speaker 1: who else? Has some words from our sponsors, and we 215 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:37,720 Speaker 1: are back. And the first federally recognized Thanksgiving holiday was 216 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,040 Speaker 1: made by Have you ever heard of this guy? He's 217 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 1: mostly famous for being a slaver um George Washington, that 218 00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:48,360 Speaker 1: the one with the with the wooden teeth guy. Well, 219 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:52,640 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about his teeth. Cool. Cool. He 220 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:55,439 Speaker 1: called for the you know, the American revolution all that ship. 221 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:59,959 Speaker 1: He called for the first federal official federal day of Thanksgiving. 222 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,600 Speaker 1: There have been a couple that churches had been doing 223 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,920 Speaker 1: and stuff before then, and it was to give thanks 224 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,600 Speaker 1: for winning the Revolutionary War. If you want to hear 225 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: my opinions about that war, you can listen to the 226 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:14,360 Speaker 1: episode about Public Universal Front. Except first I want to 227 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,800 Speaker 1: talk a little bit more about George Washington. Wait. Wait, 228 00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: I swear, I swear on everything. I did not read 229 00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 1: ahead and see that you had a whole thing about teeth. 230 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,440 Speaker 1: That's just the first thing that came to my mind. Yeah, 231 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: we're talking about George Washington's teeth. This is very exciting. 232 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,959 Speaker 1: George piece of ship Washington who statues should be treated 233 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,240 Speaker 1: exactly the same way as any Confederate statue. Have you 234 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:45,560 Speaker 1: heard about George Washington's teeth? Apparently? Oh man, so I 235 00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,960 Speaker 1: was about to say that Mr one dollar Bill himself, 236 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: And the next baragraph starts on the one dollar bill, ye, yep, 237 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,480 Speaker 1: on the one dollar bill. George Washington has a smug, 238 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,120 Speaker 1: little smile, and it's because his cheeks are a little 239 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: bit puffed up because he's wearing dentures. And in school 240 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:03,600 Speaker 1: they told us his dentures were made out of wood. 241 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:07,520 Speaker 1: That isn't true, of course it isn't. Why would they ever, 242 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:10,800 Speaker 1: why would they ever tell us anything true about these 243 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:15,319 Speaker 1: despicable fucking people that found it out? I know, because 244 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 1: then we can have complicated conversations about them. I'm not 245 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,560 Speaker 1: gonna have a complicated conversation about him. I'm gonna have 246 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,800 Speaker 1: a one sided conversation about him today. But it's like 247 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 1: you could theoretically eventually have complicated conversations about some of 248 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,440 Speaker 1: these people if you started with the fucking truth. But 249 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 1: we're gonna start with the truth, and we're gonna leave 250 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,080 Speaker 1: it there. He had a bunch of different dentures, but 251 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,960 Speaker 1: one of his sources for teeth was that he bought, 252 00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,720 Speaker 1: and the word bought gets really heavy air quotes here. 253 00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:42,240 Speaker 1: He bought teeth from the people that he enslaved. He 254 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,160 Speaker 1: his estate had over three hundred enslaved people on it, 255 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: more than a hundred personally owned by George w himself. 256 00:14:48,560 --> 00:14:51,360 Speaker 1: And it was these people that he got his dentures 257 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:58,400 Speaker 1: from while they were still alive. Jesus fuck and yeah, 258 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,080 Speaker 1: and during the revel susan a whole grip of the 259 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,000 Speaker 1: people that he thought he owned, ran the funk away 260 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:05,160 Speaker 1: and got into a British warship and escaped the fucking 261 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:08,080 Speaker 1: monster they lived with. Anyway, I feel like it's just 262 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,240 Speaker 1: hard to say the words George Washington a sentence without 263 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 1: adding the guy who ripped teeth out of living people's faces. 264 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,320 Speaker 1: And in our in our country, he's the delightful, delightful 265 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:21,160 Speaker 1: foundery with the cute little wooden teeth. I know that 266 00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:27,040 Speaker 1: we tell that story to, you know, preschool children. Yeah, 267 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: he's a he's a horror villain's he's absolutely horrible, like 268 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:38,280 Speaker 1: a yeah, Jesus Christ. Yeah uh. I mean like that 269 00:15:38,320 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: should be talked about in the same like not obviously 270 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:45,400 Speaker 1: not at scale, but like King Leopold of Belgium taking 271 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:51,200 Speaker 1: people's hands like that like this, Yeah, and there's like 272 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:55,960 Speaker 1: there's some historical questions to be people work really hard 273 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:58,040 Speaker 1: to make George Washington seems like a chill guy. There's 274 00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,000 Speaker 1: all of these articles you can find being like here's 275 00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: the daily life of someone that he enslaved and it 276 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 1: like tries to be like in their free time, they 277 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 1: blah blah blah. No, they were fucking treated like ship. 278 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:14,000 Speaker 1: One of the people people well only he only personally 279 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: owned a hundred and something of those people. The other 280 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:20,640 Speaker 1: people just lived on his estate as enslaved. Motherfucker. Yeah no, no, 281 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,640 Speaker 1: it's it's people work so fucking hard to try and 282 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,760 Speaker 1: and so like, we know that he bought teeth from people, 283 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,720 Speaker 1: and we know that he had all this ship with 284 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:33,240 Speaker 1: his teeth, but it's possible he bought people's teeth and 285 00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:37,160 Speaker 1: they went in someone else's. No, he fucking there's anyway. 286 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:42,560 Speaker 1: Whatever is a fucking horror villain. Then so he The 287 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:46,280 Speaker 1: first day of Thanksgiving was the one he suggested. But 288 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,200 Speaker 1: then it wasn't until the Civil War in eighteen sixty 289 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 1: three when Abraham Lincoln declared the current in acarnation of Thanksgiving. 290 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:59,040 Speaker 1: And I hadn't actually realized this. The current incarnation of Thanksgiving, 291 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,400 Speaker 1: the one that happened this week as you all are listening, 292 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,800 Speaker 1: was created quote with the intention to heal the wounds 293 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,720 Speaker 1: of the nation from the Civil War, and theoretically doesn't 294 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,680 Speaker 1: even have anything to like mayflower in any of that ship. 295 00:17:10,160 --> 00:17:13,840 Speaker 1: But it's just not true. That's not what people are celebrating. 296 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:17,320 Speaker 1: People are celebrating, um, the other ship. They're celebrating the 297 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:20,320 Speaker 1: Mayflower ship because no one's even fucking because that's not 298 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,199 Speaker 1: the story that we hear. We don't hear that. It 299 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,359 Speaker 1: is a dave Thanksgiving to sit down with the people 300 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: who enslave people and break bread with them. And while 301 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,119 Speaker 1: I'm just on a tear about I'm not like a 302 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:34,520 Speaker 1: big fan of US presidents as like a general, I 303 00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,800 Speaker 1: will say Abraham Lincoln not a slaver. Famously the opposite 304 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,800 Speaker 1: of that, his vice president was a slaver. But you know, 305 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:44,960 Speaker 1: and no, what he gets marks off as great is 306 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,120 Speaker 1: that they oversaw the largest mass hanging in US history 307 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,359 Speaker 1: of thirty eight members of the Dakota Nation Minnesota. Not 308 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 1: just was president during the hanging of but like personally 309 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:56,720 Speaker 1: provided the executioners with the list of names after like 310 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:59,199 Speaker 1: looking through the trial transcripts after these people have been 311 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 1: on trial for like five ten minutes each or whatever. 312 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:11,160 Speaker 1: That's where Thanksgiving comes from. And so yeah, happy thanks Giving. 313 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:16,240 Speaker 1: I felt weird coming from you. I f hate Thanksgiving. 314 00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,400 Speaker 1: It's ship the idea of getting together with your family 315 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,840 Speaker 1: or friends or chosen family or whatever you're into, and 316 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:27,320 Speaker 1: like literally giving thanks That's cool, although it is worth 317 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:30,399 Speaker 1: knowing that the idea of Thanksgiving was literally this idea 318 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,240 Speaker 1: of erasing all of the other holidays that almost every 319 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:38,560 Speaker 1: culture had naturally um set in front of them. Personally, 320 00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:43,360 Speaker 1: I dislike that people post the same picture of their crusty, dusty, 321 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,640 Speaker 1: musty ass food all day. I don't want to see 322 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,639 Speaker 1: your plate. I've seen it. I know what you're eating. 323 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:53,359 Speaker 1: We're all forced to eat it or choose not to 324 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:57,120 Speaker 1: eat it because it's bad. We got it, all right, 325 00:18:57,440 --> 00:19:02,280 Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, fucking sweet potatoes with mashed potatoes and your 326 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:06,320 Speaker 1: fucking dry ass meat, like, we got it. And I 327 00:19:06,359 --> 00:19:08,679 Speaker 1: say this as a vegan, but one of the cringest 328 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:10,879 Speaker 1: things is when vegans act as if the problem with 329 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 1: Thanksgiving is um the meat that's being eaten, as compared 330 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:25,880 Speaker 1: to the colonization. Am it's a symptom? Yeah totally yeah. Yeah. Anyways, 331 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,720 Speaker 1: which brings us to what we're really going to talk 332 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,200 Speaker 1: about today, which is something unrelated to any of that, 333 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,800 Speaker 1: which is a short story. But first, do you know 334 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,159 Speaker 1: what else is a short story? Is it the story 335 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:45,600 Speaker 1: of products? A show. Yeah, I like having a show, Sophie. 336 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:49,320 Speaker 1: Do you like having shows? I like you having this show. Well, 337 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,800 Speaker 1: then I guess it's a good thing that we are sponsored. 338 00:19:52,280 --> 00:20:00,439 Speaker 1: Cool in a complicated way. Here's some ads, and we 339 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: are back. And the story I'm going to read today 340 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:06,440 Speaker 1: is a retelling of a story that my father told 341 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:09,440 Speaker 1: me when I was younger. Uh. It is the last 342 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 1: story in the book that I've been hawking at the 343 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:13,760 Speaker 1: end of every single fucking episode as long as you've 344 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: been listening to this podcast called we Won't be here Tomorrow. 345 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:21,399 Speaker 1: And so shout out to my dad for writing a 346 00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,960 Speaker 1: story that I then stole and to my own words, 347 00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: and I'm now reading to you. It's called the thirty 348 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:30,720 Speaker 1: seven Marble Steps. I grew up near the foothills of Appalachia. 349 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,080 Speaker 1: And there's something to these forests. The trees themselves aren't old, 350 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,080 Speaker 1: but the mountains are old. The mountains are old and 351 00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:38,159 Speaker 1: battered and smoothed over. And what is a forest but 352 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 1: the outbursting of life come up from the land. The 353 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,840 Speaker 1: trees themselves are not old, but the forests are old 354 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,840 Speaker 1: because these mountains are old. I grew up near the 355 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,200 Speaker 1: foothills of Appalachia, and I remember when the Blair Witch 356 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,399 Speaker 1: Project came out, set close to where I lived, and 357 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,600 Speaker 1: it it didn't surprise anyone, like, yeah, the movie is 358 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,760 Speaker 1: a work of fiction. But there's still something to these 359 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:59,119 Speaker 1: mountains and these forests. There's still something there, something that 360 00:20:59,119 --> 00:21:02,000 Speaker 1: that movie drew from. My father told me this story 361 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,760 Speaker 1: when I was a kid. He told me the story 362 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:05,800 Speaker 1: under the bows and the stars, and it's not something 363 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,439 Speaker 1: I'll ever forget. The next day, he took me to 364 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 1: the place it happened. He took me to the marble steps. 365 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,359 Speaker 1: There are thirty seven marble steps in the middle of 366 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,240 Speaker 1: the forest, far from any road. The steps climbed steep 367 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,159 Speaker 1: and twisted up from a seasonal creek up to a 368 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,320 Speaker 1: tiny concrete foundation peppered with stones. There's no house there anymore. 369 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:27,720 Speaker 1: There is, however, a crack in the foundation. The crack 370 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,879 Speaker 1: is narrow and long, and underneath there's nothing, not soil, 371 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,040 Speaker 1: not rock, just nothing. You shine your flashlight through that 372 00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: crack and you see nothing. You slide your skinny arm 373 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,119 Speaker 1: through that crack and you feel nothing. You drop a 374 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:41,480 Speaker 1: coin through that crack and you hear nothing. I tried 375 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 1: all those things. There was a house on that foundation, 376 00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:47,760 Speaker 1: years ago, years before my father was born, probably before 377 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,040 Speaker 1: his mother was born, maybe before her mother came over 378 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:53,800 Speaker 1: from the Old Country fleeing persecution. I couldn't tell you 379 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,919 Speaker 1: when exactly there was a house on that foundation. It 380 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,560 Speaker 1: doesn't make sense, for there have ever been one, not 381 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,840 Speaker 1: out there's no road, not out where. Whoever built it 382 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,399 Speaker 1: had to carry marble and concrete on their back or 383 00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,640 Speaker 1: on the backs of animals. I can't tell you why 384 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,320 Speaker 1: there was a house. I can only tell you that 385 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: there was one. I can tell you about the woman 386 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,679 Speaker 1: who lived there, too. I can tell you that she 387 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 1: didn't have a name, that she didn't need a name. 388 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,480 Speaker 1: Names are not for yourself, there are for other people. 389 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,480 Speaker 1: You live alone in a house in the woods, the 390 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,280 Speaker 1: top of the marble steps, and you don't need a name, 391 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,800 Speaker 1: because no one calls you anything. The people from the 392 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,400 Speaker 1: nearby town, they just called her the woman who lived 393 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:32,720 Speaker 1: in the woods. This woman lived alone, and she was ageless, 394 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,800 Speaker 1: like all women who live alone. Learning that one myself, 395 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:44,400 Speaker 1: it's been been nice. Bonus say, yeah, she lived only 396 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,040 Speaker 1: five miles or so from that nearby town. That town 397 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,640 Speaker 1: has gone now too. It probably had a name, though 398 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:52,199 Speaker 1: I don't know it. The woman lived close enough that 399 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,480 Speaker 1: people hiking or hunting in the forest saw the smoke 400 00:22:54,560 --> 00:22:56,800 Speaker 1: from her chimney and saw the lights in her windows. 401 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,320 Speaker 1: Sometimes people even saw her herself wandering the four wrist. 402 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,439 Speaker 1: They saw her hair pinned up in a bun in 403 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,439 Speaker 1: the summer and under hats and hoods in the winter. 404 00:23:05,119 --> 00:23:08,920 Speaker 1: They saw her gaze, alternatively blank and fierce. Sometimes they 405 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,440 Speaker 1: heard her sing. It went like this. She walked paths 406 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,159 Speaker 1: through the woods, sometimes down even to the road alongside 407 00:23:15,200 --> 00:23:17,240 Speaker 1: the town. She had a stick in one hand and 408 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,560 Speaker 1: a burlap sack and the other bad man, bad man, 409 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:23,919 Speaker 1: braise the bones, she sang as she beat bushes with 410 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:28,560 Speaker 1: the stick, A good whack, a good thump against the branches. Bugbear, bugbear, 411 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:32,920 Speaker 1: boil the bra Animals, all kinds of animals would run 412 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: out from the bushes and the brambles right into her sack. Rabbits, groundhogs, snakes, possums, raccoons, mice, 413 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 1: birds and lizards. Every creature under the sun, and every 414 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,240 Speaker 1: creature that hides from the sun would run right towards 415 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,359 Speaker 1: her and into that sack. Once it was good and full, 416 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:51,159 Speaker 1: she twists the end closed, lifted like it weighed nothing, 417 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,680 Speaker 1: and beat the bag with a stick until the squirming 418 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:56,600 Speaker 1: stopped and the crying stopped and everything inside was dead 419 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,520 Speaker 1: or willing to pretend. She'd throw that bag over her 420 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,760 Speaker 1: shoulder and walk away whistling. Now instead of singing that 421 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,720 Speaker 1: same tune. I know the tune. I could hum it 422 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:06,919 Speaker 1: to you, but I don't know how to write it. 423 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,119 Speaker 1: So maybe that tune will die out one day and 424 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 1: maybe we'll all be the safer when it does. Or 425 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,760 Speaker 1: I'll record an audiobook version and y'all are stuck knowing it. Well, 426 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:17,720 Speaker 1: it's a podcast, so you can sing it now. Ha ha, 427 00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:26,200 Speaker 1: Why miss, we've been doing that's one okay. Anyway, It's 428 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,800 Speaker 1: just funny when you when you write stuff and you 429 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: like write it for being written, you know. Anyway, dogs 430 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 1: went missing sometimes around that town. Cats to lambs, and 431 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,359 Speaker 1: calves and chickens, never children. One reason people in the 432 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,040 Speaker 1: town put up with that woman as long as they 433 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,639 Speaker 1: did is that whenever a kid went missing, they'd wind 434 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:46,800 Speaker 1: up back at home right in their crib, not crying 435 00:24:47,359 --> 00:24:50,879 Speaker 1: the blood of berries, tinting their lips. One day, a 436 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,359 Speaker 1: little girl not yet seven years old got swept away 437 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:57,399 Speaker 1: by the river surely she drowned. The parents thought, the 438 00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,880 Speaker 1: whole town thought. That night walked up to her own 439 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,439 Speaker 1: house wearing a burlap dress, her hair brushed, and braided, 440 00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 1: her belly full. She didn't say a word about what happened, 441 00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,359 Speaker 1: but everyone knew that the lady with the bag and 442 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,680 Speaker 1: the stick was watching out. It went like that for years, 443 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,880 Speaker 1: for generations. Was it the same woman? No one could 444 00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:20,000 Speaker 1: tell Bruno. Bruno baked the bread, She sang, boatman, boatman, 445 00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,800 Speaker 1: based the bear a good whack of good thump, and 446 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:24,920 Speaker 1: she had the animals, and off she went on her way, 447 00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,160 Speaker 1: never said a word to a soul. This was fine, 448 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:29,840 Speaker 1: and this was good, and no one in town thought 449 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,600 Speaker 1: too hard on it until one day it wasn't fine. 450 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:36,439 Speaker 1: It wasn't good. People mostly want to let each other alone, 451 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,639 Speaker 1: and that woman wasn't hurting anyone. A boy came up 452 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,359 Speaker 1: in that town, and he became a man while he 453 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:43,960 Speaker 1: was at school in a nearby city, And when he 454 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,520 Speaker 1: came back as a man, he decided he wasn't going 455 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,680 Speaker 1: to be the sort to just let people alone. John 456 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,920 Speaker 1: was his name, at least as I haven't Big John. 457 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,280 Speaker 1: They called him because there were an awful lot of John's, 458 00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,680 Speaker 1: and this John was the tallest. One day in early March, 459 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,439 Speaker 1: John was walking home from the mill. The sun was 460 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,520 Speaker 1: near to set, and the wind was something wild, and 461 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,840 Speaker 1: a little bit of snow was being thrown here and there. 462 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,240 Speaker 1: He saw the woman, and he heard the woman, and 463 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,080 Speaker 1: he saw a cat run into her bag, and he 464 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: decided enough was enough. He waited until she was far 465 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:16,439 Speaker 1: enough distant, and then he followed her off through the 466 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,240 Speaker 1: woods up to that seasonal creek. Most people they took 467 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: one look at that house up on the top of 468 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 1: those marble steps perched down over the gully, and they 469 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,400 Speaker 1: went right back the way they came. Big John, though, 470 00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 1: he waited until the woman went into the house. Then 471 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,800 Speaker 1: he climbed each of those steps himself. Smoke was pouring 472 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:36,840 Speaker 1: out the chimney, and lamp light flickered through the unshuttered windows, 473 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,920 Speaker 1: and Big John went up to one of those windows 474 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,840 Speaker 1: and looked inside. The woman was there, and she had 475 00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,680 Speaker 1: the sack over one shoulder, and she went up to 476 00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:47,280 Speaker 1: the middle of the bare concrete floor, and she tapped 477 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:51,720 Speaker 1: her sticks seven times, tap tap tap, tap, tap tap tap. 478 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,800 Speaker 1: She tapped her stick seven times, and she stepped back 479 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:56,760 Speaker 1: and she waited, and a trap door was there where 480 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,119 Speaker 1: nothing had been, And she reached down and grabbed the 481 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: iron rung and pulled it up, and Big John heard 482 00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:04,760 Speaker 1: a wailing, a keening from within. He couldn't describe it 483 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,480 Speaker 1: better than that in all the years he tried in 484 00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:13,840 Speaker 1: human and animal demonic. The woman up ended the sack. Animals, 485 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:18,359 Speaker 1: including that cat, tumbled out down into the darkness. Soon after, 486 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,320 Speaker 1: far worse sounds came from that trap door, and the 487 00:27:21,359 --> 00:27:24,040 Speaker 1: woman smiled and cooed like she was tending a pet, 488 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,280 Speaker 1: and she closed that trap door. She tapped on it 489 00:27:27,359 --> 00:27:30,840 Speaker 1: seven times with her stick. Tap tap, tap, tap, tap 490 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:35,160 Speaker 1: tap tap. The trap door was gone. On the wall. 491 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,479 Speaker 1: Hung up with the coats and the cloaks were animal 492 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 1: collars and tags, dozens of them. Big John had seen enough, 493 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,760 Speaker 1: and he turned to go, but snuck in one last 494 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:46,920 Speaker 1: look and saw the woman at her stove, singing again, 495 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:49,439 Speaker 1: cooking what looked and smelled for all the world like 496 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,240 Speaker 1: vegetable soup. Big John snuck down those stairs as quietly 497 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,840 Speaker 1: and carefully as he could, but as soon as he 498 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:56,680 Speaker 1: reached the path by the creek, he ran all the 499 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:59,520 Speaker 1: way back to town. Five miles He ran and when 500 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,360 Speaker 1: he showed a at the sheriff's house. He was panting 501 00:28:01,359 --> 00:28:03,679 Speaker 1: and sweating and pale and just worn out, and his 502 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:06,199 Speaker 1: body was just about to give up on him. He 503 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,480 Speaker 1: knocked on that door, tap tap tap, The sheriff answered 504 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:14,600 Speaker 1: the woman. He said the cats, He said the dogs. 505 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:17,480 Speaker 1: He told the sheriff what he'd seen, And of course 506 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:19,320 Speaker 1: the sheriff didn't believe him about the trap door, and 507 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,800 Speaker 1: he didn't believe him about the vegetable soup, but he 508 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:25,680 Speaker 1: believed him about the animal collars. Everyone in town knew 509 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:27,919 Speaker 1: that the woman stole pets and live stock, anything with 510 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,480 Speaker 1: fur feathers that was small enough to fit into her sack. 511 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,560 Speaker 1: Everyone knew it, but no one had admitted it, because 512 00:28:33,560 --> 00:28:36,119 Speaker 1: if they'd admitted it, they would have had to do something. 513 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,880 Speaker 1: But here was Big John standing at the doorstep of authority, 514 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,320 Speaker 1: and that authority decided to finally admit to himself what 515 00:28:42,400 --> 00:28:45,960 Speaker 1: he already knew. It wasn't yet late, just past dinner, 516 00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,600 Speaker 1: and the sheriff rounded up his posse and headed into 517 00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,360 Speaker 1: the forest with guns and lanterns, ready to find the 518 00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:54,800 Speaker 1: woman and bring her to justice. Big John, though he 519 00:28:54,920 --> 00:28:57,440 Speaker 1: stayed at home. He'd used up all his nerve for 520 00:28:57,480 --> 00:29:00,800 Speaker 1: that night, maybe for the rest of time. Now this 521 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:02,560 Speaker 1: is where you expect the story to go all wrong, 522 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:05,000 Speaker 1: and it will, but doesn't go wrong the way that 523 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,479 Speaker 1: it might have. The sheriff climbed the thirty seven steps, 524 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:11,280 Speaker 1: his posse following. He showed up at the woman's door, 525 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 1: banging with the handle of his revolver on the wood. Bang, bang, bang. 526 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:19,480 Speaker 1: The woman answered, and the sheriff arrested her, and the 527 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 1: posse tore apart the cabin looking for contraband. They found 528 00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:25,560 Speaker 1: the dog collars and the cat collars, and that was enough. 529 00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:29,200 Speaker 1: But they found nothing else besides hot barley soup on 530 00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 1: the stove, flavored strong with garlic and wild onion. No bones, 531 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:36,560 Speaker 1: no midden, no trap door, no basement at all. Big 532 00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:40,200 Speaker 1: John had been seeing things. They marched the woman five 533 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:42,440 Speaker 1: miles back to the sheriff's office and locked her into 534 00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,920 Speaker 1: the town's one holding cell. And by then it was 535 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,240 Speaker 1: the middle of the night, and the woman was steel 536 00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:51,160 Speaker 1: faced and unbroken. You have to feed her, the woman said, 537 00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,920 Speaker 1: feed who. The sheriff asked, someone has to feed her? 538 00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:56,960 Speaker 1: The woman said, someone must go up there and feed 539 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:00,000 Speaker 1: my daughter. You don't have a daughter. The sheriff said, 540 00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:02,960 Speaker 1: and that was that, and the woman was sent to 541 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:05,440 Speaker 1: the city for trial, and no one thought much about 542 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: her again, because what is a prison but a place 543 00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:10,239 Speaker 1: to put those who wish to forget those who make 544 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:14,360 Speaker 1: you uncomfortable? What is a prison but the bbolivion. A 545 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,800 Speaker 1: week later, Big John was walking home in the evening 546 00:30:16,800 --> 00:30:19,480 Speaker 1: out along that road when he heard a terrible thing, 547 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,880 Speaker 1: a wrenching, a scream of wood and steel, and a 548 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,040 Speaker 1: scream of animal throats, and a scream of emptiness and horror. 549 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:34,160 Speaker 1: Then nothing, nothing happened except from then on children from 550 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,000 Speaker 1: that town. They weren't returned with berry juice on their 551 00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:40,160 Speaker 1: lips when they went missing. When children went missing, they 552 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:44,040 Speaker 1: stayed missing. And now there's a concrete foundation peppered with 553 00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,440 Speaker 1: stones and a crack in it, and nothing on the 554 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,680 Speaker 1: other side. And people don't camp there much, and people 555 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,840 Speaker 1: don't build towns there no more. And that forest is old, 556 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:55,200 Speaker 1: and no one knows how those marble steps got there, 557 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:59,400 Speaker 1: and no one knows much of anything anymore. There's no 558 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:02,080 Speaker 1: moral to us, to be sure. I'm not here saying 559 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,600 Speaker 1: that you've got to let the little evils go on 560 00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,520 Speaker 1: address so that you don't let out the big evil. 561 00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:08,320 Speaker 1: I'm not even saying what was in that basement was evil, 562 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,080 Speaker 1: not for sure. I'm not saying it was right what 563 00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,080 Speaker 1: happened to that woman? And neither am I saying it's 564 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,480 Speaker 1: okay to steal cats and feed them to monsters. I'm 565 00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:19,120 Speaker 1: just saying it happened. I'm just telling you about the 566 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:22,440 Speaker 1: thirty seven marble steps and that foundation and that crack 567 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:28,600 Speaker 1: that goes off to nowhere. That's what I got. I 568 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:29,959 Speaker 1: was like, I was waiting to see if you were 569 00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: going to do more song. Yeah. I wonder if you 570 00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,560 Speaker 1: get in trouble for accidentally singing things on podcasts but 571 00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:46,520 Speaker 1: you're not supposed to. I'll just never sing again anywhere, honestly. 572 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 1: Um yeah, suck you the man we work for. Like, 573 00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:03,200 Speaker 1: I'm like, eat it, oh man, I love that story. 574 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,000 Speaker 1: You told that story at a book signing event that 575 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:09,400 Speaker 1: I went to of yours, and it's it's so cool 576 00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:11,720 Speaker 1: and it's so cool that it got passed down from 577 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: your dad too. It's, uh, it's cool people who did 578 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,720 Speaker 1: cool stuff in my in my book, and my dad 579 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,560 Speaker 1: is definitely cool people. I'll go ahead and say that 580 00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 1: I got lucky in the dad lottery. He he made 581 00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:29,960 Speaker 1: that story up because there are Okay, that the one 582 00:32:30,080 --> 00:32:33,280 Speaker 1: thing about lying to kids one that story scared the 583 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:35,040 Speaker 1: hell out of me when I was little, right, but 584 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:37,440 Speaker 1: everything scared the hell out of me. But he called 585 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,640 Speaker 1: them the marble steps, and they're not marble. There's there's 586 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: real steps in the woods near where he grew up, 587 00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:46,800 Speaker 1: where he had taken us to go camping, and but 588 00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:53,280 Speaker 1: they're concrete steps with marbles in them, imbedded into them. 589 00:32:53,320 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: And so for most of my young life I believed 590 00:32:56,640 --> 00:32:59,640 Speaker 1: that marble as a construction material meant concrete with marbles 591 00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:04,240 Speaker 1: in it, because the marble steps create with marbles. That 592 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:06,880 Speaker 1: makes absolute sense. Also, I feel it would be really 593 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,640 Speaker 1: cool to have, like like I actually think that'd be 594 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,120 Speaker 1: a really cool design. I know. Yeah, there were cool steps, 595 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,120 Speaker 1: and I don't know what the hell they were doing there. 596 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,680 Speaker 1: They were far away from anything. There was no road, 597 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,320 Speaker 1: just some concrete steps with marbles in them in the 598 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: middle of nowhere, up to a pad with a crack 599 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:31,680 Speaker 1: in it. Apparently, So, maybe my dad didn't write the story. 600 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,800 Speaker 1: Maybe he's big John your conspiracy theory, which means it 601 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,720 Speaker 1: must be time pressed to end this episode. Yeah, that's 602 00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:40,760 Speaker 1: that is a that is fair. There should be a 603 00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:43,960 Speaker 1: big red button that actually all podcasts, someone should be 604 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,680 Speaker 1: able to press a red button as soon as they 605 00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: start talking about conspiracy theories. We do. We do have 606 00:33:48,440 --> 00:33:51,520 Speaker 1: something to announce, though. What do we have to announce? 607 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:53,960 Speaker 1: Is it the fact that I'm going to be a 608 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:57,720 Speaker 1: guest on a Behind the Bastard's live show. It is 609 00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:02,520 Speaker 1: that we're doing a live stream virtual show thing like 610 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:06,920 Speaker 1: we did uh gosh, I don't know many months ago 611 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:11,200 Speaker 1: with prop for Behind the Bastards, and that will be 612 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:16,239 Speaker 1: happening on December eight, and you can purchase tickets at 613 00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:20,400 Speaker 1: moment house dot co slash b t B if you 614 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:23,880 Speaker 1: so desire, I'll also link that. But if you so desire, 615 00:34:24,640 --> 00:34:27,400 Speaker 1: that is happening, and then that people can ask us 616 00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:31,200 Speaker 1: questions even though you and I are just the uh 617 00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:35,320 Speaker 1: the victims of that what you call guests of Behind 618 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:40,120 Speaker 1: the Bastards. Uh, I don't know. I was gonna say, 619 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:48,440 Speaker 1: I've been stockholmed a little too long. Well, I believe 620 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:51,319 Speaker 1: that people in the audience can ask us questions. So 621 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,960 Speaker 1: when you purchase your ticket, there'll be like a prompt 622 00:34:54,000 --> 00:34:57,280 Speaker 1: to submit a question that you can be for Robert, 623 00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,799 Speaker 1: could be for Margaret, be for me, It could be 624 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,560 Speaker 1: for all of us, could be you know whatever, whatever 625 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,520 Speaker 1: your heart desires, and we may or may not choose 626 00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: your question. Um. Also, Robert is going to be writing 627 00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 1: a script behind the Bastard script for that event and 628 00:35:11,080 --> 00:35:14,000 Speaker 1: it should be a good all time. And if you 629 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,520 Speaker 1: can't make it at six pm on December, do not 630 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,239 Speaker 1: worry because this event is available on demand for one 631 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,319 Speaker 1: week past the time of livestream. Yeah, did I do 632 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,799 Speaker 1: the thing? You did the thing? We did the thing. 633 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:30,520 Speaker 1: We did it. We're so good at our jobs. Amazing, iconic, legendary. 634 00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:37,000 Speaker 1: The episodes over Cool People Who Did Cool Stuff is 635 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:39,960 Speaker 1: a production of cool Zone Media. For more podcasts and 636 00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:43,239 Speaker 1: cool Zone Media, visit our website cool zone media dot com, 637 00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:45,640 Speaker 1: or check us out on the I Heart Radio app, 638 00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:48,560 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.