WEBVTT - Introducing Weight For It from Ronald Young Jr.

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<v Speaker 1>Pushkin.

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<v Speaker 2>What's ubsolvable? Listeners, It's me Ronald Young Junior, and I

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<v Speaker 2>know it's been a long time, but I'm back with

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<v Speaker 2>a very special treat in the form of my brand

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<v Speaker 2>new podcast, Wait for It. That's spelled wei ght. You

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<v Speaker 2>know that thing that some of us think about constantly.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm bringing you stories about existing as a fat person

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<v Speaker 2>in a world not built for you. Today, I have

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<v Speaker 2>a portion of the first episode, and if you like it,

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<v Speaker 2>I invite you to subscribe to the show wherever you listen.

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<v Speaker 2>Wait for It is a show about the way we

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<v Speaker 2>feel about our bodies. Consequently, each episode may include references

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<v Speaker 2>to gaining and losing weight, eating disorders, weight loss surgery,

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<v Speaker 2>and weight stigma. If these topics are triggering to you,

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<v Speaker 2>please take care while listening. We have links to support

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<v Speaker 2>resources for anyone who may need them in our show notes.

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<v Speaker 1>Wait for It.

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<v Speaker 2>I can't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about

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<v Speaker 2>my weight. I was a kid with a huge appetite,

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<v Speaker 2>and I remember the other kids and some adults would

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<v Speaker 2>always say, you keep eating like that, you're gonna get fat.

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<v Speaker 2>I remember in middle school pe whenever we had to

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<v Speaker 2>play basketball and the coach would yell out shirts for skins.

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<v Speaker 2>I immediately hoped to be on the shirt team. Even

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<v Speaker 2>in college, I remember my friends used to pinch my

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<v Speaker 2>nipples and then laugh when I would get upset, and

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<v Speaker 2>at any of these individual times, I was objectively not fat,

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<v Speaker 2>But with every incident that occurred with my body, it

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<v Speaker 2>firmly put weight in the forefront of my mind. I

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<v Speaker 2>wasn't always certain what it was to have a good body,

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<v Speaker 2>or even an okay body, or most of all, how

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<v Speaker 2>to be okay with my body. I dreamed of having

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<v Speaker 2>the ideal physical qualities, muscular arms. I wanted to be tall,

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<v Speaker 2>I wanted a beard, I wanted abs. I didn't want

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<v Speaker 2>to be afraid of taking my shirt off. I wanted

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<v Speaker 2>to be attractive, but I knew that being fat wasn't attractive,

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<v Speaker 2>so I didn't want to be fat. However, one day

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<v Speaker 2>I got fat. It happened in the last ten years.

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<v Speaker 2>It felt inevitable in a way, like the people who

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<v Speaker 2>said it would happen were profits. They were right about

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<v Speaker 2>my eating habits. I felt ashamed. I tried to cover

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<v Speaker 2>it up with the way that I look and dress,

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<v Speaker 2>even down to the smallest successory anything that draws attention

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<v Speaker 2>away from my weight. Even my personality feels a lot

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<v Speaker 2>like a performance. I feel like I have to have

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<v Speaker 2>a better personality than most people because I'm fat. If

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<v Speaker 2>I'm mean or rude or get something wrong, I know

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<v Speaker 2>the first thing folks are going to talk about is

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<v Speaker 2>my weight. So I try to be funny and kind

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<v Speaker 2>and always put others at ease. I generally make an

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<v Speaker 2>effort to be relatable and agreeable, and a lot of

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<v Speaker 2>that is who I am, whether I was fat or not.

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<v Speaker 2>But because I'm thinking about my weight constantly, the stakes

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<v Speaker 2>of every social interaction feel higher to me. I was

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<v Speaker 2>talking with a good friend of mine, Jessica, and I

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<v Speaker 2>asked her to describe my personality.

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<v Speaker 3>Good question, really warm, outgoing, funny. I think that you

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<v Speaker 3>have a really high level of emotional intelligence. But I

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<v Speaker 3>think that sometimes that can be a blessing and a

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<v Speaker 3>curse because you have really you have your self awareness?

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<v Speaker 3>Is it spans why long? And all of that, And

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<v Speaker 3>with self awareness comes a lot of pain.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, with great self awareness comes great responsibility.

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<v Speaker 3>So you are a soulmate friend, and you are like

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<v Speaker 3>a lifetalk friend, and you're not afraid to be vulnerable.

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<v Speaker 3>You not only tolerate the things that are uncomfortable, but

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<v Speaker 3>you're like, let's get in it.

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<v Speaker 2>Just as a friend I met as an adult, not

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<v Speaker 2>from school, not at work, but working out together at

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<v Speaker 2>this group fitness gym back in twenty fifteen. We both

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<v Speaker 2>loved cracking jokes and we hit it off pretty quickly.

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<v Speaker 2>At the time, we were both trying to lose weight,

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<v Speaker 2>and we supported each other in our goals. We showed

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<v Speaker 2>up to work out together at the gym and bonded,

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<v Speaker 2>sharing details of our lives. Jess is actually a therapist

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<v Speaker 2>and the type of therapist you'd want to be friends with.

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<v Speaker 2>We often talked about weight and years ago. During those discussions,

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<v Speaker 2>I remember I told her my reason for wanting to

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<v Speaker 2>lose weight. Back then, what I would always obsess about

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<v Speaker 2>was having a perfect moment. And that's because of like

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<v Speaker 2>the kind of the way that love and relationships are depicted.

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<v Speaker 2>Like it's always thin people falling in love, you know

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<v Speaker 2>what I mean, It's always like getting ripped falling in love.

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<v Speaker 2>It's about somebody losing one hundred pounds meeting someone falling

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<v Speaker 2>in love. And I feel like for a long time

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<v Speaker 2>and even I mean I'm almost a little embarrassed to say,

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<v Speaker 2>but like to some extent today, it's always about like

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<v Speaker 2>finding that perfect moment, and the only way I can

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<v Speaker 2>get there is if I am a certain size.

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<v Speaker 3>So what happens in that moment.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm you know, I'm the right size, and you know

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<v Speaker 2>it's just like a romantic comedy, you know what I mean.

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<v Speaker 2>I just I meet the right person. I got that

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<v Speaker 2>slick new promotion at the job, you know, I'm making

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<v Speaker 2>good money. All of those are aligning, and you know

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<v Speaker 2>it's a romantic enough setting that I'm meeting this person

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<v Speaker 2>like I'm the perfect guy. I look the right way.

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<v Speaker 3>So do you feel that where you are with your

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<v Speaker 3>body and your self image aligns with you finding your person?

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<v Speaker 3>Those are mutually exclusive to you.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes.

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<v Speaker 2>In my mind, if I'm thinking about my weight, then

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<v Speaker 2>obviously others are thinking about my weight too. It's probably

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<v Speaker 2>working against me when they're assessing whether or not I'm

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<v Speaker 2>an acceptable person. And that's why I'm always trying to

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<v Speaker 2>make sure I'm giving good personality. And if I'm working

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<v Speaker 2>this hard thinking about the stakes of social interaction, then

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<v Speaker 2>you can probably imagine that for me, the romantic stakes

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<v Speaker 2>are even higher. After my last breakup, I started spiraling

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<v Speaker 2>even more about my physical qualities. I truly wondered if

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<v Speaker 2>this was happening because I'm fat. I think about weight

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<v Speaker 2>the same way I think about race. In moments of

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<v Speaker 2>rejection or exclusion, as a black person always comes up

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<v Speaker 2>in my mind. It's a regular running background anxiety in

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<v Speaker 2>my head. Did I not get the job because I'm black?

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<v Speaker 2>Are they staring at me because I'm black? What does

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<v Speaker 2>it mean that I'm the only black guy here? And

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<v Speaker 2>after a breakup, the ultimate rejection? There are similar questions,

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<v Speaker 2>but all about my weight. Would it have happened like

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<v Speaker 2>this to a smaller person? Did they give me a

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<v Speaker 2>shot because of my personality and then couldn't get over

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<v Speaker 2>how fat I was? If I weren't fat, could this

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<v Speaker 2>have gone the distance? I'm thirty nine now, and it

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<v Speaker 2>seems like everywhere I look, perfect moments are being had

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<v Speaker 2>by other people. People are finding the love of their lives,

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<v Speaker 2>getting married, buying houses, having kids. And I'm realizing I'm

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<v Speaker 2>not even talking about moments anymore. They look like seemingly

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<v Speaker 2>perfect lives, And of course I want all of those things.

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<v Speaker 2>I think I deserve all of those things. But right

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<v Speaker 2>now I'm really talking about something a little smaller. I

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<v Speaker 2>remember one time I was sitting in the backyard with

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<v Speaker 2>some friends and I was eating potato chips or something

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<v Speaker 2>with crumbs, and I got some in my beard and

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<v Speaker 2>on my shirt, and I was kind of a mess.

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<v Speaker 2>My then girlfriend came over, laughing and confirmed, saying, you're

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<v Speaker 2>kind of a mess. She wiped the crumbs out of

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<v Speaker 2>my beard. Then she kissed me on the side of

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<v Speaker 2>my forehead and put her arm around my shoulders. I

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<v Speaker 2>felt the best I'd felt in a long time, and

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<v Speaker 2>often I think about that moment. We broke up two

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<v Speaker 2>months later. I think breaking up marred the perfection of

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<v Speaker 2>that moment. But at the time I had some hope

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<v Speaker 2>because at that moment, I felt loved in a way

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<v Speaker 2>that I don't feel like I often get to feel loved.

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<v Speaker 2>I wasn't certain that anyone knew would love me again

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<v Speaker 2>as a fat man. Am I even an eligible bachelor.

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<v Speaker 1>Again?

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<v Speaker 2>I don't remember when I started thinking like this. I

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<v Speaker 2>do see reinforcing evidence all around me. On the TV

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<v Speaker 2>show The Bachelor, every dude that's selected is either thin

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<v Speaker 2>or incredibly in shape, and comments are made about how

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<v Speaker 2>attractive their bodies are on Love is Blind, despite that

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<v Speaker 2>they're actively taking physical attraction out of the equation. Initially,

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<v Speaker 2>the contestants are always trying to figure out how hot

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<v Speaker 2>their potential mate is, or in some cases, how thin

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<v Speaker 2>their potential mate is. And don't even get me started

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<v Speaker 2>on The Biggest Loser, a show that spent years sending

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<v Speaker 2>the message that life didn't even start until you lost

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<v Speaker 2>the weight. From getting ripped, ads with most issues of

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<v Speaker 2>Men's Health magazine to video Vixen's swimsuit models, and the

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<v Speaker 2>countless ads preaching the effectiveness of whatever new weight loss

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<v Speaker 2>method is that can be imagined up. Nearly every popular

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<v Speaker 2>piece of media we consume reinforces the message that we're

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<v Speaker 2>all supposed to be thin at the bare minimum. You

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<v Speaker 2>could be anything you want to be, just don't be fat.

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<v Speaker 2>And as a fat person, I hear this messaging loud

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<v Speaker 2>and clear. Fat folks are seen for their non sexual qualities,

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<v Speaker 2>hence me trying to have a perfect personality. They don't

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<v Speaker 2>get to be just hot. And if I don't get

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<v Speaker 2>to be hot, how will I ever get my moment?

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<v Speaker 2>How could I ever become the perfect man? Having the

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<v Speaker 2>perfect moment? A lot of my adult life has been

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<v Speaker 2>spent waiting, Waiting for everyone not to be paying attention

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<v Speaker 2>before I take my shirt off and get into the pool,

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<v Speaker 2>Waiting for the flight attendant to surreptitiously hand me a

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<v Speaker 2>seatbelt extender, Waiting until I lose a few pounds before

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<v Speaker 2>I buy new clothes. Just a lot of waiting. It's

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<v Speaker 2>felt like waiting to be perfect before I truly start

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<v Speaker 2>to live. This show not only tells the stories of

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<v Speaker 2>those waiting, but of those who can't keep the weight

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<v Speaker 2>off their minds. I'm Ronald Young Jr. And this is

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<v Speaker 2>wait for It, waiting.

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<v Speaker 1>Waiting for it, Wait for it, wait waiting, wait for it.

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<v Speaker 2>All right, folks, if you want to hear the rest

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<v Speaker 2>of the episode, subscribe to Wait for It. That's w

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<v Speaker 2>E I g h T. The entire first episode is

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<v Speaker 2>now available for you to hear, So go subscribe now

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<v Speaker 2>wherever you listen.