1 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:15,556 Speaker 1: Pushkin. 2 00:00:18,276 --> 00:00:21,476 Speaker 2: What's ubsolvable? Listeners, It's me Ronald Young Junior, and I 3 00:00:21,516 --> 00:00:23,756 Speaker 2: know it's been a long time, but I'm back with 4 00:00:23,836 --> 00:00:26,316 Speaker 2: a very special treat in the form of my brand 5 00:00:26,356 --> 00:00:31,076 Speaker 2: new podcast, Wait for It. That's spelled wei ght. You 6 00:00:31,116 --> 00:00:33,476 Speaker 2: know that thing that some of us think about constantly. 7 00:00:33,716 --> 00:00:36,396 Speaker 2: I'm bringing you stories about existing as a fat person 8 00:00:36,436 --> 00:00:39,276 Speaker 2: in a world not built for you. Today, I have 9 00:00:39,316 --> 00:00:41,836 Speaker 2: a portion of the first episode, and if you like it, 10 00:00:41,956 --> 00:00:44,676 Speaker 2: I invite you to subscribe to the show wherever you listen. 11 00:00:46,196 --> 00:00:47,876 Speaker 2: Wait for It is a show about the way we 12 00:00:47,916 --> 00:00:51,636 Speaker 2: feel about our bodies. Consequently, each episode may include references 13 00:00:51,676 --> 00:00:54,756 Speaker 2: to gaining and losing weight, eating disorders, weight loss surgery, 14 00:00:54,916 --> 00:00:58,076 Speaker 2: and weight stigma. If these topics are triggering to you, 15 00:00:58,156 --> 00:01:01,196 Speaker 2: please take care while listening. We have links to support 16 00:01:01,236 --> 00:01:04,356 Speaker 2: resources for anyone who may need them in our show notes. 17 00:01:08,196 --> 00:01:08,876 Speaker 1: Wait for It. 18 00:01:11,436 --> 00:01:14,756 Speaker 2: I can't remember a time when I wasn't thinking about 19 00:01:14,796 --> 00:01:19,316 Speaker 2: my weight. I was a kid with a huge appetite, 20 00:01:19,356 --> 00:01:22,356 Speaker 2: and I remember the other kids and some adults would 21 00:01:22,356 --> 00:01:25,156 Speaker 2: always say, you keep eating like that, you're gonna get fat. 22 00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:30,436 Speaker 2: I remember in middle school pe whenever we had to 23 00:01:30,436 --> 00:01:34,196 Speaker 2: play basketball and the coach would yell out shirts for skins. 24 00:01:35,236 --> 00:01:39,836 Speaker 2: I immediately hoped to be on the shirt team. Even 25 00:01:39,836 --> 00:01:42,476 Speaker 2: in college, I remember my friends used to pinch my 26 00:01:42,556 --> 00:01:46,276 Speaker 2: nipples and then laugh when I would get upset, and 27 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:51,636 Speaker 2: at any of these individual times, I was objectively not fat, 28 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:56,276 Speaker 2: But with every incident that occurred with my body, it 29 00:01:56,396 --> 00:02:00,356 Speaker 2: firmly put weight in the forefront of my mind. I 30 00:02:00,436 --> 00:02:02,956 Speaker 2: wasn't always certain what it was to have a good body, 31 00:02:03,236 --> 00:02:05,796 Speaker 2: or even an okay body, or most of all, how 32 00:02:05,796 --> 00:02:10,356 Speaker 2: to be okay with my body. I dreamed of having 33 00:02:10,396 --> 00:02:15,356 Speaker 2: the ideal physical qualities, muscular arms. I wanted to be tall, 34 00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:19,756 Speaker 2: I wanted a beard, I wanted abs. I didn't want 35 00:02:19,756 --> 00:02:23,156 Speaker 2: to be afraid of taking my shirt off. I wanted 36 00:02:23,196 --> 00:02:30,556 Speaker 2: to be attractive, but I knew that being fat wasn't attractive, 37 00:02:31,756 --> 00:02:37,476 Speaker 2: so I didn't want to be fat. However, one day 38 00:02:38,236 --> 00:02:44,916 Speaker 2: I got fat. It happened in the last ten years. 39 00:02:45,476 --> 00:02:48,036 Speaker 2: It felt inevitable in a way, like the people who 40 00:02:48,036 --> 00:02:51,316 Speaker 2: said it would happen were profits. They were right about 41 00:02:51,316 --> 00:02:55,996 Speaker 2: my eating habits. I felt ashamed. I tried to cover 42 00:02:56,036 --> 00:02:57,996 Speaker 2: it up with the way that I look and dress, 43 00:02:58,276 --> 00:03:02,116 Speaker 2: even down to the smallest successory anything that draws attention 44 00:03:02,196 --> 00:03:05,516 Speaker 2: away from my weight. Even my personality feels a lot 45 00:03:05,556 --> 00:03:07,956 Speaker 2: like a performance. I feel like I have to have 46 00:03:07,996 --> 00:03:12,196 Speaker 2: a better personality than most people because I'm fat. If 47 00:03:12,196 --> 00:03:15,916 Speaker 2: I'm mean or rude or get something wrong, I know 48 00:03:15,956 --> 00:03:18,076 Speaker 2: the first thing folks are going to talk about is 49 00:03:18,116 --> 00:03:22,236 Speaker 2: my weight. So I try to be funny and kind 50 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,516 Speaker 2: and always put others at ease. I generally make an 51 00:03:25,556 --> 00:03:28,916 Speaker 2: effort to be relatable and agreeable, and a lot of 52 00:03:28,916 --> 00:03:30,836 Speaker 2: that is who I am, whether I was fat or not. 53 00:03:31,596 --> 00:03:34,596 Speaker 2: But because I'm thinking about my weight constantly, the stakes 54 00:03:34,636 --> 00:03:41,276 Speaker 2: of every social interaction feel higher to me. I was 55 00:03:41,276 --> 00:03:43,676 Speaker 2: talking with a good friend of mine, Jessica, and I 56 00:03:43,716 --> 00:03:46,396 Speaker 2: asked her to describe my personality. 57 00:03:46,836 --> 00:03:55,156 Speaker 3: Good question, really warm, outgoing, funny. I think that you 58 00:03:55,316 --> 00:04:00,996 Speaker 3: have a really high level of emotional intelligence. But I 59 00:04:00,996 --> 00:04:02,716 Speaker 3: think that sometimes that can be a blessing and a 60 00:04:02,796 --> 00:04:06,156 Speaker 3: curse because you have really you have your self awareness? 61 00:04:06,716 --> 00:04:11,716 Speaker 3: Is it spans why long? And all of that, And 62 00:04:12,276 --> 00:04:16,276 Speaker 3: with self awareness comes a lot of pain. 63 00:04:16,636 --> 00:04:19,116 Speaker 2: Yeah, with great self awareness comes great responsibility. 64 00:04:20,716 --> 00:04:22,836 Speaker 3: So you are a soulmate friend, and you are like 65 00:04:23,156 --> 00:04:25,716 Speaker 3: a lifetalk friend, and you're not afraid to be vulnerable. 66 00:04:26,236 --> 00:04:28,916 Speaker 3: You not only tolerate the things that are uncomfortable, but 67 00:04:28,956 --> 00:04:29,996 Speaker 3: you're like, let's get in it. 68 00:04:30,756 --> 00:04:32,556 Speaker 2: Just as a friend I met as an adult, not 69 00:04:32,636 --> 00:04:35,596 Speaker 2: from school, not at work, but working out together at 70 00:04:35,636 --> 00:04:38,996 Speaker 2: this group fitness gym back in twenty fifteen. We both 71 00:04:39,316 --> 00:04:42,036 Speaker 2: loved cracking jokes and we hit it off pretty quickly. 72 00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,676 Speaker 2: At the time, we were both trying to lose weight, 73 00:04:44,876 --> 00:04:47,436 Speaker 2: and we supported each other in our goals. We showed 74 00:04:47,476 --> 00:04:49,676 Speaker 2: up to work out together at the gym and bonded, 75 00:04:49,716 --> 00:04:53,196 Speaker 2: sharing details of our lives. Jess is actually a therapist 76 00:04:53,276 --> 00:04:55,676 Speaker 2: and the type of therapist you'd want to be friends with. 77 00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:59,716 Speaker 2: We often talked about weight and years ago. During those discussions, 78 00:04:59,996 --> 00:05:02,436 Speaker 2: I remember I told her my reason for wanting to 79 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:05,916 Speaker 2: lose weight. Back then, what I would always obsess about 80 00:05:05,956 --> 00:05:10,156 Speaker 2: was having a perfect moment. And that's because of like 81 00:05:10,196 --> 00:05:13,196 Speaker 2: the kind of the way that love and relationships are depicted. 82 00:05:13,716 --> 00:05:16,796 Speaker 2: Like it's always thin people falling in love, you know 83 00:05:16,836 --> 00:05:19,236 Speaker 2: what I mean, It's always like getting ripped falling in love. 84 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,916 Speaker 2: It's about somebody losing one hundred pounds meeting someone falling 85 00:05:21,956 --> 00:05:24,316 Speaker 2: in love. And I feel like for a long time 86 00:05:25,036 --> 00:05:27,596 Speaker 2: and even I mean I'm almost a little embarrassed to say, 87 00:05:27,596 --> 00:05:30,316 Speaker 2: but like to some extent today, it's always about like 88 00:05:30,436 --> 00:05:33,356 Speaker 2: finding that perfect moment, and the only way I can 89 00:05:33,396 --> 00:05:37,116 Speaker 2: get there is if I am a certain size. 90 00:05:37,316 --> 00:05:38,836 Speaker 3: So what happens in that moment. 91 00:05:41,076 --> 00:05:43,636 Speaker 2: I'm you know, I'm the right size, and you know 92 00:05:44,396 --> 00:05:46,356 Speaker 2: it's just like a romantic comedy, you know what I mean. 93 00:05:46,396 --> 00:05:49,516 Speaker 2: I just I meet the right person. I got that 94 00:05:50,116 --> 00:05:53,516 Speaker 2: slick new promotion at the job, you know, I'm making 95 00:05:53,556 --> 00:05:56,276 Speaker 2: good money. All of those are aligning, and you know 96 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,796 Speaker 2: it's a romantic enough setting that I'm meeting this person 97 00:05:59,116 --> 00:06:01,716 Speaker 2: like I'm the perfect guy. I look the right way. 98 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:08,036 Speaker 3: So do you feel that where you are with your 99 00:06:08,196 --> 00:06:12,956 Speaker 3: body and your self image aligns with you finding your person? 100 00:06:13,596 --> 00:06:15,196 Speaker 3: Those are mutually exclusive to you. 101 00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:15,956 Speaker 1: Yes. 102 00:06:19,156 --> 00:06:22,596 Speaker 2: In my mind, if I'm thinking about my weight, then 103 00:06:22,676 --> 00:06:26,996 Speaker 2: obviously others are thinking about my weight too. It's probably 104 00:06:27,036 --> 00:06:29,956 Speaker 2: working against me when they're assessing whether or not I'm 105 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:33,876 Speaker 2: an acceptable person. And that's why I'm always trying to 106 00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:38,276 Speaker 2: make sure I'm giving good personality. And if I'm working 107 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,956 Speaker 2: this hard thinking about the stakes of social interaction, then 108 00:06:41,956 --> 00:06:45,316 Speaker 2: you can probably imagine that for me, the romantic stakes 109 00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:54,276 Speaker 2: are even higher. After my last breakup, I started spiraling 110 00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:58,436 Speaker 2: even more about my physical qualities. I truly wondered if 111 00:06:58,476 --> 00:07:02,556 Speaker 2: this was happening because I'm fat. I think about weight 112 00:07:02,676 --> 00:07:05,596 Speaker 2: the same way I think about race. In moments of 113 00:07:05,636 --> 00:07:10,276 Speaker 2: rejection or exclusion, as a black person always comes up 114 00:07:10,276 --> 00:07:13,996 Speaker 2: in my mind. It's a regular running background anxiety in 115 00:07:14,036 --> 00:07:16,316 Speaker 2: my head. Did I not get the job because I'm black? 116 00:07:16,316 --> 00:07:17,956 Speaker 2: Are they staring at me because I'm black? What does 117 00:07:17,996 --> 00:07:21,356 Speaker 2: it mean that I'm the only black guy here? And 118 00:07:21,596 --> 00:07:25,636 Speaker 2: after a breakup, the ultimate rejection? There are similar questions, 119 00:07:25,996 --> 00:07:28,836 Speaker 2: but all about my weight. Would it have happened like 120 00:07:28,876 --> 00:07:30,796 Speaker 2: this to a smaller person? Did they give me a 121 00:07:30,836 --> 00:07:33,396 Speaker 2: shot because of my personality and then couldn't get over 122 00:07:33,436 --> 00:07:36,796 Speaker 2: how fat I was? If I weren't fat, could this 123 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:43,436 Speaker 2: have gone the distance? I'm thirty nine now, and it 124 00:07:43,476 --> 00:07:46,876 Speaker 2: seems like everywhere I look, perfect moments are being had 125 00:07:46,916 --> 00:07:50,236 Speaker 2: by other people. People are finding the love of their lives, 126 00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:55,236 Speaker 2: getting married, buying houses, having kids. And I'm realizing I'm 127 00:07:55,276 --> 00:07:58,476 Speaker 2: not even talking about moments anymore. They look like seemingly 128 00:07:58,556 --> 00:08:03,396 Speaker 2: perfect lives, And of course I want all of those things. 129 00:08:03,876 --> 00:08:06,876 Speaker 2: I think I deserve all of those things. But right 130 00:08:06,956 --> 00:08:12,956 Speaker 2: now I'm really talking about something a little smaller. I 131 00:08:12,996 --> 00:08:15,036 Speaker 2: remember one time I was sitting in the backyard with 132 00:08:15,076 --> 00:08:17,956 Speaker 2: some friends and I was eating potato chips or something 133 00:08:17,996 --> 00:08:20,396 Speaker 2: with crumbs, and I got some in my beard and 134 00:08:20,436 --> 00:08:23,156 Speaker 2: on my shirt, and I was kind of a mess. 135 00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:26,916 Speaker 2: My then girlfriend came over, laughing and confirmed, saying, you're 136 00:08:27,116 --> 00:08:29,796 Speaker 2: kind of a mess. She wiped the crumbs out of 137 00:08:29,796 --> 00:08:31,636 Speaker 2: my beard. Then she kissed me on the side of 138 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:35,716 Speaker 2: my forehead and put her arm around my shoulders. I 139 00:08:35,756 --> 00:08:40,356 Speaker 2: felt the best I'd felt in a long time, and 140 00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:44,436 Speaker 2: often I think about that moment. We broke up two 141 00:08:44,516 --> 00:08:54,276 Speaker 2: months later. I think breaking up marred the perfection of 142 00:08:54,316 --> 00:08:57,476 Speaker 2: that moment. But at the time I had some hope 143 00:08:57,836 --> 00:09:00,796 Speaker 2: because at that moment, I felt loved in a way 144 00:09:00,836 --> 00:09:04,156 Speaker 2: that I don't feel like I often get to feel loved. 145 00:09:04,916 --> 00:09:07,516 Speaker 2: I wasn't certain that anyone knew would love me again 146 00:09:07,796 --> 00:09:11,356 Speaker 2: as a fat man. Am I even an eligible bachelor. 147 00:09:12,516 --> 00:09:12,796 Speaker 1: Again? 148 00:09:12,836 --> 00:09:15,996 Speaker 2: I don't remember when I started thinking like this. I 149 00:09:16,076 --> 00:09:19,076 Speaker 2: do see reinforcing evidence all around me. On the TV 150 00:09:19,156 --> 00:09:22,156 Speaker 2: show The Bachelor, every dude that's selected is either thin 151 00:09:22,356 --> 00:09:25,236 Speaker 2: or incredibly in shape, and comments are made about how 152 00:09:25,236 --> 00:09:29,076 Speaker 2: attractive their bodies are on Love is Blind, despite that 153 00:09:29,116 --> 00:09:33,156 Speaker 2: they're actively taking physical attraction out of the equation. Initially, 154 00:09:33,716 --> 00:09:36,036 Speaker 2: the contestants are always trying to figure out how hot 155 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:39,636 Speaker 2: their potential mate is, or in some cases, how thin 156 00:09:39,876 --> 00:09:42,636 Speaker 2: their potential mate is. And don't even get me started 157 00:09:42,676 --> 00:09:45,676 Speaker 2: on The Biggest Loser, a show that spent years sending 158 00:09:45,756 --> 00:09:49,396 Speaker 2: the message that life didn't even start until you lost 159 00:09:49,836 --> 00:09:53,916 Speaker 2: the weight. From getting ripped, ads with most issues of 160 00:09:53,956 --> 00:09:58,276 Speaker 2: Men's Health magazine to video Vixen's swimsuit models, and the 161 00:09:58,356 --> 00:10:01,996 Speaker 2: countless ads preaching the effectiveness of whatever new weight loss 162 00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:05,436 Speaker 2: method is that can be imagined up. Nearly every popular 163 00:10:05,476 --> 00:10:09,716 Speaker 2: piece of media we consume reinforces the message that we're 164 00:10:09,756 --> 00:10:14,636 Speaker 2: all supposed to be thin at the bare minimum. You 165 00:10:14,676 --> 00:10:19,036 Speaker 2: could be anything you want to be, just don't be fat. 166 00:10:21,116 --> 00:10:23,836 Speaker 2: And as a fat person, I hear this messaging loud 167 00:10:23,836 --> 00:10:27,556 Speaker 2: and clear. Fat folks are seen for their non sexual qualities, 168 00:10:27,716 --> 00:10:30,796 Speaker 2: hence me trying to have a perfect personality. They don't 169 00:10:30,876 --> 00:10:34,476 Speaker 2: get to be just hot. And if I don't get 170 00:10:34,476 --> 00:10:36,476 Speaker 2: to be hot, how will I ever get my moment? 171 00:10:37,076 --> 00:10:39,996 Speaker 2: How could I ever become the perfect man? Having the 172 00:10:40,036 --> 00:10:47,796 Speaker 2: perfect moment? A lot of my adult life has been 173 00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:51,356 Speaker 2: spent waiting, Waiting for everyone not to be paying attention 174 00:10:51,436 --> 00:10:53,476 Speaker 2: before I take my shirt off and get into the pool, 175 00:10:53,996 --> 00:10:56,636 Speaker 2: Waiting for the flight attendant to surreptitiously hand me a 176 00:10:56,676 --> 00:11:00,316 Speaker 2: seatbelt extender, Waiting until I lose a few pounds before 177 00:11:00,356 --> 00:11:06,036 Speaker 2: I buy new clothes. Just a lot of waiting. It's 178 00:11:06,036 --> 00:11:10,076 Speaker 2: felt like waiting to be perfect before I truly start 179 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:14,436 Speaker 2: to live. This show not only tells the stories of 180 00:11:14,476 --> 00:11:17,916 Speaker 2: those waiting, but of those who can't keep the weight 181 00:11:18,076 --> 00:11:25,356 Speaker 2: off their minds. I'm Ronald Young Jr. And this is 182 00:11:26,396 --> 00:11:28,596 Speaker 2: wait for It, waiting. 183 00:11:29,276 --> 00:11:39,116 Speaker 1: Waiting for it, Wait for it, wait waiting, wait for it. 184 00:11:43,756 --> 00:11:45,156 Speaker 2: All right, folks, if you want to hear the rest 185 00:11:45,196 --> 00:11:47,876 Speaker 2: of the episode, subscribe to Wait for It. That's w 186 00:11:48,116 --> 00:11:51,356 Speaker 2: E I g h T. The entire first episode is 187 00:11:51,356 --> 00:11:54,036 Speaker 2: now available for you to hear, So go subscribe now 188 00:11:54,236 --> 00:11:55,156 Speaker 2: wherever you listen.