WEBVTT - 212. The psychology of self doubt 0:00:04.480 --> 0:00:09.320 Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 0:00:09.960 --> 0:00:12.320 the podcast where we talk through some of the big 0:00:12.560 --> 0:00:16.920 life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 0:00:17.000 --> 0:00:26.880 mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show, 0:00:27.080 --> 0:00:31.520 or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, 0:00:31.560 --> 0:00:33.480 wherever you are in the world, it is so great 0:00:33.520 --> 0:00:36.479 to have you here. Back for another episode. As we, 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:40.240 of course break down the Psychology of our twenties today, 0:00:40.240 --> 0:00:42.680 I'm going to cut straight to it. Let's talk about 0:00:43.120 --> 0:00:46.760 self doubt. Let's talk about the negative beliefs that we 0:00:46.840 --> 0:00:49.200 all kind of have about ourselves that we carry through life, 0:00:49.200 --> 0:00:53.240 whether we are aware of it or not. Doubts about 0:00:53.280 --> 0:00:57.279 our worth, doubts about our talent, how deserving we are, 0:00:57.440 --> 0:01:01.320 our intelligence, just a couple just to name a few, 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:04.319 all of which end up really restricting our potential, and 0:01:04.360 --> 0:01:10.400 they manifest in indecisiveness, in procrastination, self sabotage, and disappointment. 0:01:10.760 --> 0:01:12.960 I think it's a really rude awakening when you realize 0:01:13.040 --> 0:01:17.800 that so often the person who secretly is holding us 0:01:17.800 --> 0:01:20.880 back from so many of our visions and our dreams 0:01:20.880 --> 0:01:24.120 about the future and about our lives is us. The 0:01:24.200 --> 0:01:27.880 person who is saying no is us, the person rejecting 0:01:27.959 --> 0:01:31.840 us without ever giving us a chance. Is you guessed 0:01:31.880 --> 0:01:36.040 it ourselves. It's not always conscious, nor is it our fault. 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:38.960 From a very early age, we get implanted with these 0:01:39.280 --> 0:01:43.480 false ideas of what makes us worthy and what we deserve, 0:01:43.959 --> 0:01:49.200 whether it's from our families, our childhood environment, outpeers myths 0:01:49.240 --> 0:01:52.200 that society tells us about who gets to be successful 0:01:52.200 --> 0:01:56.280 and praised versus who doesn't. Even some of the setbacks 0:01:56.320 --> 0:01:58.720 and failures that we experience pretty early on that really 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:03.560 stay with us, and these experiences become those false beliefs 0:02:03.640 --> 0:02:06.920 within us that in turn create a core part of 0:02:06.960 --> 0:02:10.520 our self concept and our self worth. And it kind 0:02:10.520 --> 0:02:13.760 of sets up this weird cycle where in order to 0:02:13.800 --> 0:02:17.560 disperse those beliefs, we have to try harder, push ourselves 0:02:17.560 --> 0:02:21.919 harder be something that we're not, and that inevitably most 0:02:21.960 --> 0:02:24.600 of the time doesn't end up working. If we are 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:26.880 never made aware of that, it can really end up 0:02:26.919 --> 0:02:31.120 putting a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting 0:02:31.120 --> 0:02:34.440 our compass, disrupting the trust that we have in ourselves. 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:37.640 I know this from my own experience as a teenager 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:40.600 and very much into my early twenties. I was so 0:02:40.760 --> 0:02:44.440 uncomfortable with who I was. I doubted about nearly every 0:02:44.480 --> 0:02:48.600 single thing that I did, from my academics to my 0:02:48.800 --> 0:02:52.960 romantic life, to my creativity to my friendships, and so 0:02:53.040 --> 0:02:55.800 I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there. 0:02:56.200 --> 0:02:59.680 Before it even begun, I was already telling myself that 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:03.440 I was going to fail. And it went right to 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:06.200 the top in terms of big decisions like not applying 0:03:06.240 --> 0:03:09.240 for jobs that I may have gotten, not applying for 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:12.480 scholarships that I may have gotten, not taking risks, but 0:03:12.560 --> 0:03:16.360 also small decisions like what would I wear to class? 0:03:16.639 --> 0:03:19.320 Who would I speak to? And I look back at 0:03:19.360 --> 0:03:21.960 that chapter with so much I think sadness, but also 0:03:22.000 --> 0:03:25.200 empathy for that version of me who was just crippled 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:27.959 by self doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves, was 0:03:28.000 --> 0:03:31.320 so obsessed with being perfect, never believed that she would be. 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:34.519 But in the last decade, I don't want to say 0:03:34.520 --> 0:03:36.440 that I've been on a journey because that sounds so 0:03:36.880 --> 0:03:40.040 mystical and religious, But in many ways I have this 0:03:40.160 --> 0:03:42.920 journey of realizing that life is short, the world is 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:45.920 so big, people are so swept up in themselves, that 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:49.560 no one is making the rules, no one is saying 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:53.840 you can't more than you. And when you realize that, 0:03:54.200 --> 0:03:56.920 when you realize that you're in your own way, is 0:03:56.960 --> 0:03:59.200 when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and 0:03:59.240 --> 0:04:02.880 reinvent your life life and actually do things that take 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:05.760 courage that you're genuinely proud of, and actually listen to 0:04:05.800 --> 0:04:08.880 your intuition. So that is exactly what I want to 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:10.840 talk about today, when I want to hopefully teach you 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:13.960 today how to silence your self doubt. We're going to 0:04:13.960 --> 0:04:18.680 discuss the origins of those negative false beliefs, how it 0:04:18.760 --> 0:04:23.000 shows up in very invisible ways, why it can create 0:04:23.240 --> 0:04:27.360 a self fulfilling prophecy, but above all else, how we 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:32.240 can leverage the psychology, the science, our knowledge about how 0:04:32.279 --> 0:04:36.440 we motivate ourselves versus how we handicap ourselves to really 0:04:36.560 --> 0:04:41.240 push beyond our limiting beliefs. We have so much to 0:04:41.320 --> 0:04:44.760 discuss today. This episode has been on my mind for 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.920 a long time, so I'm excited to share it and 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:50.560 hopefully show you what has helped me help you learn 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:53.920 from this as well. So, without further ado, let's get 0:04:53.960 --> 0:04:58.360 into the psychology behind why we doubt ourselves and how 0:04:58.400 --> 0:05:06.800 to silence those false. When we say that we are 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:09.400 struggling with self doubt, that could mean a few things. 0:05:09.520 --> 0:05:12.560 Perhaps it's that you feel really unqualified at. 0:05:12.440 --> 0:05:16.120 Your job or at school. You doubt the position you're in. 0:05:16.160 --> 0:05:18.839 Maybe you're in a leadership role, maybe you're not. You 0:05:18.920 --> 0:05:22.120 feel insecure about your appearance. You doubt whether anyone will 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:25.320 ever find you attractive. You doubt yourself when you speak up, 0:05:25.360 --> 0:05:28.560 when you contribute, when you interact with others. Maybe you 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:33.360 compensate for that by seeking constant reassurance. When it comes 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:37.239 to making a decision about your future or even small 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:41.919 everyday decisions, you might procrastinate, not because you're lazy, not 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:45.880 because you're indecisive, because you aren't confident in your ability 0:05:45.920 --> 0:05:50.120 to choose correctly. This list could go on. Basically, it's 0:05:50.240 --> 0:05:53.760 not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, hesitating to 0:05:53.800 --> 0:05:56.000 start something new because you might not be perfect from 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:58.720 the get go, imposter syndrome. We're going to get to 0:05:58.800 --> 0:06:04.040 that later. These individual experiences are what make up what 0:06:04.080 --> 0:06:07.480 we would call self doubt. What it all boils down 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:11.520 to is a lack or a loss of trust in 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:15.440 yourself and your own abilities. Each of us has this 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:20.040 internal compass that not only guides us, but is guided 0:06:20.080 --> 0:06:24.080 by our deeply rooted beliefs about our value. And that 0:06:24.200 --> 0:06:28.120 value is what gives us confidence to forge ahead, confidence 0:06:28.160 --> 0:06:31.840 to believe in what we're doing, confidence to hold ourselves highly. 0:06:32.520 --> 0:06:35.839 When we experience overwhelming self doubt, it indicates that that 0:06:35.960 --> 0:06:41.240 compass is broken. It's starting between north and south. And 0:06:41.640 --> 0:06:44.200 that's what doubt is at the end of the day, indecision. 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:46.920 You know, one moment I'm worthy, the next moment, no, 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:49.920 I'm not. I'm talented, No I'm not. I should choose 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:52.320 a path or maybe I should choose path A, No, 0:06:52.440 --> 0:06:56.159 path B. I'm not sure. And this compass doesn't get 0:06:56.200 --> 0:07:00.160 broken on its own. No one is born doubting themselves. 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:03.280 If you are around children, you will see as soon 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:06.400 as they can start crawling, how they dart forward or 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:08.760 they climb any surface, and they never realize that they 0:07:08.800 --> 0:07:12.840 can fall, And they have this uncontrollable desire to be 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.640 curious and to explore and to experiment. They never once 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:20.880 question their instincts. As we gain greater self awareness, though 0:07:20.920 --> 0:07:24.640 obviously sometimes our doubts are for our own good, but 0:07:24.720 --> 0:07:29.000 also external forces begin to intrude, and they begin to 0:07:29.120 --> 0:07:33.600 cause us to question ourselves, starting with what always tends 0:07:33.680 --> 0:07:36.480 to be our main culprit, which is our parents and 0:07:36.520 --> 0:07:40.840 our childhood environment. I know it sounds really really obvious 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:44.080 to say, but our early childhood years are so formative. 0:07:44.240 --> 0:07:49.000 Our brain is like this big sponge, this big canvas 0:07:49.000 --> 0:07:51.720 that is taking in everything that is thrown at it, 0:07:51.760 --> 0:07:54.120 whether that is positive or not. And there are, of 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:57.360 course some experiences that are more significant, especially when they 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:00.480 relate to the bond that we share with our primary caregiver, 0:08:00.640 --> 0:08:05.120 because we are, you know, biologically and naturally attuned to 0:08:05.200 --> 0:08:07.880 pay closer attention to those in which we have a 0:08:07.920 --> 0:08:13.200 secure or maybe insecure attachment to. So excessive parental criticism, 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:16.280 for one, can cause us to really doubt ourselves from 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:19.320 quite an early age. If you have a parent, if 0:08:19.320 --> 0:08:21.880 you still have a parent who is overly critical of you, 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:25.200 nothing is good enough. You disappoint them, you annoy them, 0:08:25.240 --> 0:08:28.160 you don't live up to their expectations, and they let 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:32.600 you know that beyond just kind guidance through scolding, never 0:08:32.640 --> 0:08:35.000 giving you praise, you know, even when you try your 0:08:35.000 --> 0:08:38.480 hardest to do what they want, you end up thinking, 0:08:39.120 --> 0:08:42.200 you know if this person doesn't love me for what 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:45.200 I'm trying to do? Am I even worthy of love? 0:08:45.280 --> 0:08:48.280 Can I even trust myself? I want to please them 0:08:48.360 --> 0:08:53.080 so much, but I don't know how even when I try. 0:08:53.360 --> 0:08:57.600 This causes us to really second guess everything because we 0:08:57.720 --> 0:09:02.200 become afraid of misstepping and we begin to internalize the 0:09:02.320 --> 0:09:04.600 lack of support or the words that they say, and 0:09:04.640 --> 0:09:07.439 the seeds of self doubt are really kind of sown 0:09:07.480 --> 0:09:10.560 at that moment. This can also emerge when we are 0:09:10.760 --> 0:09:15.120 compared to siblings, for example, and we again internalize a 0:09:15.160 --> 0:09:20.000 belief that compared to them, compared to this rivalry that 0:09:20.120 --> 0:09:22.679 is set up between us, we will never measure up. 0:09:23.440 --> 0:09:25.680 We will never be good enough for our parents. They 0:09:25.720 --> 0:09:29.240 will always have a favorite, and that favorite will never 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:33.440 be us, and that again creates self doubt. The final 0:09:33.559 --> 0:09:36.240 example I'll give of this which kind of underlines all 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:39.200 of the previous examples, but it's basically, when there are 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:42.880 these high expectations that we can never meet, and it's 0:09:42.920 --> 0:09:44.920 not that when we don't meet them we're still met 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:47.160 with love. When we don't meet them, we are perhaps 0:09:47.200 --> 0:09:54.000 met with criticism, neglect, punishment, some kind of I don't 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:59.679 know behavior or discipline that actually undermines who we are, 0:10:00.040 --> 0:10:03.480 and our sense of value does begin to weaken in 0:10:03.520 --> 0:10:06.480 response to that. In fact, according to research by the 0:10:06.559 --> 0:10:09.680 University of Nevada, a big factor that actually contributes to 0:10:09.880 --> 0:10:16.680 imposter syndrome later in life is hypocritical parents. Hypocritical parents 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:20.920 who no matter what you did, the accolades, the achievements, fawning, 0:10:21.040 --> 0:10:23.240 trying so hard to please them, it was never good enough, 0:10:23.679 --> 0:10:28.320 and so once again your compass loses direction. That is 0:10:28.480 --> 0:10:33.000 one set of experiences that contributes to a very innate 0:10:33.320 --> 0:10:36.400 lack of belief in ourselves. But it's not just our parents. 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:39.640 It's our peers that obviously also make up a big 0:10:39.679 --> 0:10:42.679 part of that early environment. And you know what, I 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:45.040 don't think our peers get enough credit for some of 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:46.960 the pain that they cause, if we can even call 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:50.280 it credit. Next to our parents, our peers are like 0:10:50.320 --> 0:10:55.280 the biggest influence, and their influence is sometimes a not 0:10:55.400 --> 0:10:58.640 positive but b just tends to increase the older we 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.120 get when we get into our teenage is the people 0:11:01.120 --> 0:11:04.520 that we are mainly concerned with impressing are our friends. 0:11:05.360 --> 0:11:08.120 The way that I could go on about the impact 0:11:08.200 --> 0:11:11.800 of childhood bullying on adult self esteem. This episode would 0:11:11.800 --> 0:11:15.560 be hours long because it's not spoken about. We often 0:11:15.720 --> 0:11:18.560 tend to think of, you know, once we leave that environment, 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:21.959 once we leave school behind, once we leave our bullies behind, 0:11:22.559 --> 0:11:24.520 Oh my gosh, we can kind of wash our hands 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:26.800 of this. We're done, we can move forward. All of 0:11:26.840 --> 0:11:32.360 those negative emotional reactions disappear. But if you went through 0:11:32.360 --> 0:11:36.720 that ten fifteen years ago, during that really really vulnerable 0:11:36.800 --> 0:11:40.280 period that we all go through, you know, during that 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:46.080 really formative period, it's not like those experiences of being bullied, 0:11:46.240 --> 0:11:52.559 of being excluded, of being you know, socially, physically, verbally. 0:11:53.120 --> 0:11:56.280 I don't like the term abuse, but yeah, bullied, those 0:11:56.320 --> 0:12:01.719 experiences don't necessarily go away. And you know, fifteen years old, 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:04.760 you might still hear those voices in your head when 0:12:04.800 --> 0:12:07.480 you're trying something new, or when you're going for a 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:10.480 promotion at work, when you're trying to push beyond your 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:14.000 own limits and extend yourself, because those voices were just 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:17.599 so loud during a time when your self concept was 0:12:17.640 --> 0:12:21.439 being formed. You know, being bullied, whether that is physical 0:12:21.520 --> 0:12:24.760 or verbal or social or you know, exclusion, that has 0:12:24.800 --> 0:12:28.960 been shown to quite literally change the brain due to 0:12:29.000 --> 0:12:33.280 an increased exposure to the stress hormone cortisol during that 0:12:33.440 --> 0:12:38.360 period during our adolescence, where our neurons are wiring and 0:12:38.760 --> 0:12:42.840 rewiring quite rapidly. What that basically means is that the 0:12:42.880 --> 0:12:45.280 brain of someone who was bullied versus the brain of 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:49.640 someone who wasn't are going to look very different, specifically 0:12:49.720 --> 0:12:54.319 in the regions that process danger in our environment, specifically 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:58.840 in our emotional brain circuits like the amygdala that processes fear, 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:02.319 and the areas of our brain that process a specific 0:13:02.440 --> 0:13:06.360 kind of pain called social pain, the pain that follows 0:13:06.400 --> 0:13:11.960 experiences of rejection, of loss, of ostracism. When they looked 0:13:11.960 --> 0:13:15.360 at the long term consequences of this, people bullied as 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:21.800 children showed heightened levels of social anxiety, heightened levels of perfectionism, 0:13:22.200 --> 0:13:25.880 and of course self doubt during that time. I think 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:28.000 we can all kind of remember this. We really really 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:30.560 care about what others think about us. We really care 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:34.400 about whether we have enough friends, We really care about 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:37.240 what the cool girl a cool guy like, whether they 0:13:37.240 --> 0:13:40.720 think that we're also cool like. It's just this constant 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:44.880 social anxiety that is buzzing below the surface, and when 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:48.320 people around you drill away at your confidence, whether that 0:13:48.440 --> 0:13:52.480 is teasing, whether that is you know, criticizing you, whether 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:56.880 that is slight comments about your grades, your clothes. You 0:13:56.960 --> 0:14:00.360 lose that innate trust you have in yourself, and you 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:03.120 lose that kind of innate trust you have in your value, 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:07.079 and you withdraw. You shelter yourself away from potentially being 0:14:07.160 --> 0:14:11.080 hurt again or being bruised again by these same people, 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:14.080 are these same experiences. And the way that you shelter 0:14:14.160 --> 0:14:17.360 yourself is by no longer showing up, by no longer 0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:20.280 putting yourself out there. Because what this has taught you 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.320 is that when you do that, you open yourself up 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.880 to the potential to be hurt, to the potential to 0:14:24.920 --> 0:14:29.720 be excluded or isolated or criticized, and you don't You 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:32.280 don't want to endure that. It's painful. So the easiest 0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:34.600 way to not endure that is to not ever put 0:14:34.640 --> 0:14:38.800 yourself out there. This is because I think one aspect 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:41.400 of self doubt we haven't spoken on yet is that 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:43.400 it really is a form of self protection. It is 0:14:43.400 --> 0:14:48.280 a psychological defense mechanism because it shields us from potentially 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:53.000 negative outcomes or emotional pain by being extremely cautious, by 0:14:53.080 --> 0:14:57.240 asking us to double check, by asking us to play 0:14:57.280 --> 0:15:00.920 it safe and to keep oursel in a place of 0:15:01.040 --> 0:15:04.800 comfort rather than discomfort. You know, kids are so cruel 0:15:04.880 --> 0:15:07.000 and it's quite sad to think that, despite all of 0:15:07.080 --> 0:15:10.000 us being so young at the time, we were capable 0:15:10.080 --> 0:15:12.640 of doing this, you know, send me long term damage 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:15.680 to how we see ourselves and the world because of 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:18.960 that childhood cruelty and the impact that this has on 0:15:19.000 --> 0:15:22.720 our selves. Doubt is definitely heightened when you already have 0:15:22.720 --> 0:15:27.120 innate personality traits like perfectionism, or you're a sensitive soul, 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:30.800 or you have a high baseline level for anxiety. You know, 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:32.480 if you are a sensitive kid, I'll go back to 0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:35.360 that example like I was, like, I'm sure many of 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:39.720 us weren't. These things can be incredibly hard to forget. 0:15:39.920 --> 0:15:43.920 And also our memory is often more attuned to negative experiences. 0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:47.640 We have a negativity bias. So if you're still feeling 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:51.000 like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:54.440 a teenage bully, I honestly think that that is quite 0:15:54.480 --> 0:15:57.000 a valid thing for you to be experiencing. I think 0:15:57.040 --> 0:16:00.880 that those experiences don't disappear as fast is most people 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:04.480 would lead us to believe. Another thing that really causes 0:16:04.560 --> 0:16:06.880 us to get buried in self doubt, especially the older 0:16:06.920 --> 0:16:09.160 we get, especially when we are in our late teenage 0:16:09.200 --> 0:16:14.760 years early twenties, are toxic or chaotic relationships when it 0:16:14.800 --> 0:16:17.240 comes to love. I know it sounds so obvious, but 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:20.480 you know that is where we are most vulnerable. And 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:24.200 so when we trust somebody or when we really want 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:27.560 them to return our attention and our affection, and that 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:30.480 turns around and becomes insults or they reject us, so 0:16:30.520 --> 0:16:33.600 they treat us like we're too much, that we're second best. 0:16:34.280 --> 0:16:37.360 That does some real emotional damage. And we talked about 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:40.680 this on last week's episode on Red Flags. There was 0:16:40.680 --> 0:16:44.200 a twenty nineteen study that we referenced that showed how 0:16:44.400 --> 0:16:48.600 negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:51.400 our sense of self esteem, and our self esteem is 0:16:51.440 --> 0:16:55.280 a primary contributing factor to our sense of self doubt. 0:16:55.960 --> 0:16:58.920 This makes a lot of sense for anyone who has 0:16:59.000 --> 0:17:01.560 unfortunately had an ex experience with someone you cared about 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:04.000 or who you liked has been the same person to 0:17:04.000 --> 0:17:07.399 break down your confidence. You really end up losing trust 0:17:07.400 --> 0:17:10.439 in yourself because you feel like, how could I have 0:17:10.480 --> 0:17:14.240 been so wrong about someone? Even though it's not your fault. 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:17.639 It all comes back to this was a choice for me. 0:17:17.680 --> 0:17:20.280 I chose someone who was going to maybe treat me 0:17:20.440 --> 0:17:24.360 like this, or what if what they're saying is true. 0:17:24.440 --> 0:17:27.520 If I really like them, there must be something good 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:30.080 about them. They must know something about me that I don't. 0:17:31.040 --> 0:17:35.960 So it's those early romantic relationships, even our recent romantic relationships, 0:17:36.600 --> 0:17:40.760 that can once again really furrow into our brain and 0:17:40.840 --> 0:17:44.000 make us doubt almost everything that we choose to do. 0:17:45.000 --> 0:17:48.760 Beyond that, we also have experiences of failure and of setbacks, 0:17:48.840 --> 0:17:50.840 and you know, our twenties are right for them because 0:17:51.359 --> 0:17:53.040 it is definitely one of the first times. It is 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:55.480 the first time that we are truly independent, and we 0:17:55.520 --> 0:17:57.719 don't have the safety net of our parents, or our 0:17:57.760 --> 0:18:00.840 teachers or of school to catch us. So our moves, 0:18:00.880 --> 0:18:03.280 our behaviors, they're all our own, and sometimes it just 0:18:03.320 --> 0:18:05.960 doesn't go our way, and that causes us to retreat 0:18:05.960 --> 0:18:09.320 and doubt the compass. There will be times in which 0:18:09.359 --> 0:18:11.800 we did our best, we did what we thought was right, 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.800 and it did not go according to plan. We all 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:17.520 have them. I remember a few instances like this. One 0:18:17.640 --> 0:18:20.399 was when I went for this scholarship at my University, 0:18:20.560 --> 0:18:23.200 thought I did great, didn't get it, got knocked back, 0:18:24.400 --> 0:18:25.919 and that was something that I ended up being really 0:18:25.960 --> 0:18:28.560 grateful for. But that's a story for another time. And 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:30.840 another example I was thinking of was when I worked 0:18:30.840 --> 0:18:32.719 really hard on this assignment and it was like one 0:18:32.760 --> 0:18:34.680 of my first assignments at UNI and I got a 0:18:34.720 --> 0:18:37.800 fifty five percent. That is a small setback in the 0:18:37.840 --> 0:18:39.679 scheme of things. I could not tell you what the 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:42.560 paper was about. I could not tell you the opening sentence. 0:18:42.560 --> 0:18:44.959 I could not tell you like anything to do with 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:48.080 that paper. But I remember that I got that grade, 0:18:49.000 --> 0:18:52.320 and that grade made me question everything about who I 0:18:52.359 --> 0:18:55.000 thought I was. I thought that I was smart. I 0:18:55.040 --> 0:18:57.720 thought that you know that I was ambitious. I thought 0:18:57.720 --> 0:19:00.879 that I was adaptable. In this kind of proved me otherwise, 0:19:01.440 --> 0:19:04.480 and how could I trust my judgment now? It really 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:07.439 didn't help that I was in this competitive atmosphere. Everyone 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:11.000 seemed to be doing so well, everyone was succeeding. It 0:19:11.040 --> 0:19:14.560 was just me who couldn't couldn't keep up, and I 0:19:14.600 --> 0:19:17.120 wanted to kind of prove that I deserve to be there. 0:19:17.160 --> 0:19:20.359 And obviously, in my mind, when I got that fifty 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:23.920 five percent, I proved the opposite, I proved to myself 0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:27.119 that I did not deserve to be there. In the 0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:30.840 months after that, I remember actually this really specific instance 0:19:30.920 --> 0:19:34.919 of writing this other essay and going back and forth 0:19:35.000 --> 0:19:38.240 and back and forth on the opening line, almost feeling 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:42.080 like I was going to cry, feeling paralyzed by this paper, 0:19:42.119 --> 0:19:44.560 like is this good? I think it is. I think 0:19:44.560 --> 0:19:46.240 this is good, But how can I tell? Because I 0:19:46.280 --> 0:19:49.199 thought that my last paper was good and I was wrong. 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:53.080 And this leads back to imposter syndrome. You want to 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:56.280 know something really ironic but also quite quite funny. I 0:19:56.320 --> 0:19:59.240 find it funny at least my very first episode of 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:02.800 this podcast on imposter syndrome. That was over three years ago, 0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:07.600 and I don't think I have gotten any better at 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:09.720 dealing with it despite all the years of work that 0:20:09.720 --> 0:20:14.560 I've done. Impostera syndrome is rooted in a lot of 0:20:14.600 --> 0:20:17.440 that doubt that comes from a lot of those really 0:20:18.560 --> 0:20:23.040 core memories, in core experiences. And no matter how much 0:20:23.200 --> 0:20:27.680 you prove to yourself that you deserve your successes, your achievements, 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:30.920 no matter how far you push yourself, how much you do, 0:20:31.080 --> 0:20:34.919 how much you achieve, you are constantly followed by this 0:20:35.000 --> 0:20:38.000 fear that one day, the people around you or the 0:20:38.000 --> 0:20:39.880 people that matter, are going to realize that you are 0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:43.119 a fraud. You are waiting for this other shoe to drop, 0:20:43.240 --> 0:20:46.679 despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and 0:20:46.760 --> 0:20:51.120 really deserving. But because you don't trust your own assessments. 0:20:51.560 --> 0:20:53.560 You can have all the evidence in the world, all 0:20:53.560 --> 0:20:58.040 the praise, all the promotions, everything, and you will still 0:20:58.080 --> 0:21:01.199 feel like you tricked somebody. You will still feel like 0:21:01.400 --> 0:21:04.679 somebody made a mistake or you just got lucky. The 0:21:04.840 --> 0:21:08.520 problem with imposta syndrome is that the experience of doing 0:21:08.520 --> 0:21:12.920 well at something does not change your beliefs. That thought 0:21:13.080 --> 0:21:15.320 still nags in the back of your head. You know 0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:18.560 what gives me the right to be here. The more 0:21:18.600 --> 0:21:20.960 you accomplished, the you know, the more you actually feel 0:21:20.960 --> 0:21:23.119 like a fraud, the more you feel like you've tricked 0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:26.880 even more people. It's as though you can't internalize your 0:21:26.920 --> 0:21:30.040 experience of success. At the end of the day, it's 0:21:30.040 --> 0:21:32.760 self doubt. It's never feeling good enough, it's never feeling 0:21:32.840 --> 0:21:35.400 like you have the right to be where you are. 0:21:36.440 --> 0:21:39.040 That imposter syndrome can push us to one end of 0:21:39.080 --> 0:21:41.800 the spectrum where we are so focused on overachieving and 0:21:41.840 --> 0:21:45.680 pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burning out. 0:21:45.760 --> 0:21:48.520 We end up not being able to achieve anything that 0:21:48.560 --> 0:21:51.719 we want to because we are so exhausted. And on 0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:54.080 the other hand, it can also push us to the 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:57.359 other end of the spectrum, where we self sabotage or 0:21:57.400 --> 0:22:01.840 we self handicap. There is this quote that perfectly summarizes 0:22:01.880 --> 0:22:07.000 this for me. People never rise above the opinions of themselves. 0:22:07.760 --> 0:22:10.479 That is so harsh, but it is so true, and 0:22:10.520 --> 0:22:14.399 it is exactly what I mean by self handicapping and 0:22:14.440 --> 0:22:18.440 self sabotaging. If your opinion is that you are undeserving, 0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:20.439 that you don't know what you're doing, that you are 0:22:20.480 --> 0:22:22.560 out of place, people know you're a fraud, you're not 0:22:22.640 --> 0:22:26.359 good enough. The list goes on. When the chance comes 0:22:26.359 --> 0:22:28.720 for you to prove otherwise and to step into a 0:22:28.800 --> 0:22:32.919 version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs are wrong, 0:22:33.600 --> 0:22:37.080 it is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of 0:22:37.119 --> 0:22:41.879 your beliefs that you self handicap. Self handicapping is a 0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:45.479 behavioral response to feeling uncertain about our abilities, where we 0:22:46.359 --> 0:22:51.280 unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors 0:22:51.880 --> 0:22:55.440 that protect us from feeling inadequate. You know, if you're 0:22:55.480 --> 0:22:59.119 already going to fail, why not fail on your own terms? 0:22:59.119 --> 0:23:02.400 To avoid the imp habarrassment of putting yourself out there? 0:23:02.440 --> 0:23:05.679 Why apply for that job you are objectively a perfect for. 0:23:06.560 --> 0:23:10.280 If you believe you're going to be rejected, why post 0:23:10.280 --> 0:23:13.159 that photo or put yourself out there online? If you 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:15.120 know people are already going to laugh at it? Why 0:23:15.200 --> 0:23:17.400 ask that person on a date when you know they'll 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:21.720 say no. Why not just save yourself the awkwardness? You 0:23:21.760 --> 0:23:25.199 know it shows up in so many ways. Hopefully you 0:23:25.200 --> 0:23:29.040 get what I'm what I'm getting at. Self doubt, when uncontained, 0:23:29.640 --> 0:23:33.960 causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our by 0:23:34.200 --> 0:23:39.240 our potential by letting sometimes life changing opportunities pass us 0:23:39.240 --> 0:23:43.199