Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show,
Speaker 1: or welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners,
Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world, it is so great
Speaker 1: to have you here. Back for another episode. As we,
Speaker 1: of course break down the Psychology of our twenties today,
Speaker 1: I'm going to cut straight to it. Let's talk about
Speaker 1: self doubt. Let's talk about the negative beliefs that we
Speaker 1: all kind of have about ourselves that we carry through life,
Speaker 1: whether we are aware of it or not. Doubts about
Speaker 1: our worth, doubts about our talent, how deserving we are,
Speaker 1: our intelligence, just a couple just to name a few,
Speaker 1: all of which end up really restricting our potential, and
Speaker 1: they manifest in indecisiveness, in procrastination, self sabotage, and disappointment.
Speaker 1: I think it's a really rude awakening when you realize
Speaker 1: that so often the person who secretly is holding us
Speaker 1: back from so many of our visions and our dreams
Speaker 1: about the future and about our lives is us. The
Speaker 1: person who is saying no is us, the person rejecting
Speaker 1: us without ever giving us a chance. Is you guessed
Speaker 1: it ourselves. It's not always conscious, nor is it our fault.
Speaker 1: From a very early age, we get implanted with these
Speaker 1: false ideas of what makes us worthy and what we deserve,
Speaker 1: whether it's from our families, our childhood environment, outpeers myths
Speaker 1: that society tells us about who gets to be successful
Speaker 1: and praised versus who doesn't. Even some of the setbacks
Speaker 1: and failures that we experience pretty early on that really
Speaker 1: stay with us, and these experiences become those false beliefs
Speaker 1: within us that in turn create a core part of
Speaker 1: our self concept and our self worth. And it kind
Speaker 1: of sets up this weird cycle where in order to
Speaker 1: disperse those beliefs, we have to try harder, push ourselves
Speaker 1: harder be something that we're not, and that inevitably most
Speaker 1: of the time doesn't end up working. If we are
Speaker 1: never made aware of that, it can really end up
Speaker 1: putting a ceiling on our potential and kind of disrupting
Speaker 1: our compass, disrupting the trust that we have in ourselves.
Speaker 1: I know this from my own experience as a teenager
Speaker 1: and very much into my early twenties. I was so
Speaker 1: uncomfortable with who I was. I doubted about nearly every
Speaker 1: single thing that I did, from my academics to my
Speaker 1: romantic life, to my creativity to my friendships, and so
Speaker 1: I really stopped myself from ever putting myself out there.
Speaker 1: Before it even begun, I was already telling myself that
Speaker 1: I was going to fail. And it went right to
Speaker 1: the top in terms of big decisions like not applying
Speaker 1: for jobs that I may have gotten, not applying for
Speaker 1: scholarships that I may have gotten, not taking risks, but
Speaker 1: also small decisions like what would I wear to class?
Speaker 1: Who would I speak to? And I look back at
Speaker 1: that chapter with so much I think sadness, but also
Speaker 1: empathy for that version of me who was just crippled
Speaker 1: by self doubt and spoke so negatively about themselves, was
Speaker 1: so obsessed with being perfect, never believed that she would be.
Speaker 1: But in the last decade, I don't want to say
Speaker 1: that I've been on a journey because that sounds so
Speaker 1: mystical and religious, But in many ways I have this
Speaker 1: journey of realizing that life is short, the world is
Speaker 1: so big, people are so swept up in themselves, that
Speaker 1: no one is making the rules, no one is saying
Speaker 1: you can't more than you. And when you realize that,
Speaker 1: when you realize that you're in your own way, is
Speaker 1: when you really get the chance to reinvent yourself and
Speaker 1: reinvent your life life and actually do things that take
Speaker 1: courage that you're genuinely proud of, and actually listen to
Speaker 1: your intuition. So that is exactly what I want to
Speaker 1: talk about today, when I want to hopefully teach you
Speaker 1: today how to silence your self doubt. We're going to
Speaker 1: discuss the origins of those negative false beliefs, how it
Speaker 1: shows up in very invisible ways, why it can create
Speaker 1: a self fulfilling prophecy, but above all else, how we
Speaker 1: can leverage the psychology, the science, our knowledge about how
Speaker 1: we motivate ourselves versus how we handicap ourselves to really
Speaker 1: push beyond our limiting beliefs. We have so much to
Speaker 1: discuss today. This episode has been on my mind for
Speaker 1: a long time, so I'm excited to share it and
Speaker 1: hopefully show you what has helped me help you learn
Speaker 1: from this as well. So, without further ado, let's get
Speaker 1: into the psychology behind why we doubt ourselves and how
Speaker 1: to silence those false. When we say that we are
Speaker 1: struggling with self doubt, that could mean a few things.
Speaker 1: Perhaps it's that you feel really unqualified at.
Speaker 2: Your job or at school. You doubt the position you're in.
Speaker 2: Maybe you're in a leadership role, maybe you're not. You
Speaker 2: feel insecure about your appearance. You doubt whether anyone will
Speaker 2: ever find you attractive. You doubt yourself when you speak up,
Speaker 2: when you contribute, when you interact with others. Maybe you
Speaker 2: compensate for that by seeking constant reassurance. When it comes
Speaker 2: to making a decision about your future or even small
Speaker 2: everyday decisions, you might procrastinate, not because you're lazy, not
Speaker 2: because you're indecisive, because you aren't confident in your ability
Speaker 2: to choose correctly. This list could go on. Basically, it's
Speaker 2: not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy enough, hesitating to
Speaker 2: start something new because you might not be perfect from
Speaker 2: the get go, imposter syndrome. We're going to get to
Speaker 2: that later. These individual experiences are what make up what
Speaker 2: we would call self doubt. What it all boils down
Speaker 2: to is a lack or a loss of trust in
Speaker 2: yourself and your own abilities. Each of us has this
Speaker 2: internal compass that not only guides us, but is guided
Speaker 2: by our deeply rooted beliefs about our value. And that
Speaker 2: value is what gives us confidence to forge ahead, confidence
Speaker 2: to believe in what we're doing, confidence to hold ourselves highly.
Speaker 2: When we experience overwhelming self doubt, it indicates that that
Speaker 2: compass is broken. It's starting between north and south. And
Speaker 2: that's what doubt is at the end of the day, indecision.
Speaker 2: You know, one moment I'm worthy, the next moment, no,
Speaker 2: I'm not. I'm talented, No I'm not. I should choose
Speaker 2: a path or maybe I should choose path A, No,
Speaker 2: path B. I'm not sure. And this compass doesn't get
Speaker 2: broken on its own. No one is born doubting themselves.
Speaker 2: If you are around children, you will see as soon
Speaker 2: as they can start crawling, how they dart forward or
Speaker 2: they climb any surface, and they never realize that they
Speaker 2: can fall, And they have this uncontrollable desire to be
Speaker 2: curious and to explore and to experiment. They never once
Speaker 2: question their instincts. As we gain greater self awareness, though
Speaker 2: obviously sometimes our doubts are for our own good, but
Speaker 2: also external forces begin to intrude, and they begin to
Speaker 2: cause us to question ourselves, starting with what always tends
Speaker 2: to be our main culprit, which is our parents and
Speaker 2: our childhood environment. I know it sounds really really obvious
Speaker 2: to say, but our early childhood years are so formative.
Speaker 2: Our brain is like this big sponge, this big canvas
Speaker 2: that is taking in everything that is thrown at it,
Speaker 2: whether that is positive or not. And there are, of
Speaker 2: course some experiences that are more significant, especially when they
Speaker 2: relate to the bond that we share with our primary caregiver,
Speaker 2: because we are, you know, biologically and naturally attuned to
Speaker 2: pay closer attention to those in which we have a
Speaker 2: secure or maybe insecure attachment to. So excessive parental criticism,
Speaker 2: for one, can cause us to really doubt ourselves from
Speaker 2: quite an early age. If you have a parent, if
Speaker 2: you still have a parent who is overly critical of you,
Speaker 2: nothing is good enough. You disappoint them, you annoy them,
Speaker 2: you don't live up to their expectations, and they let
Speaker 2: you know that beyond just kind guidance through scolding, never
Speaker 2: giving you praise, you know, even when you try your
Speaker 2: hardest to do what they want, you end up thinking,
Speaker 2: you know if this person doesn't love me for what
Speaker 2: I'm trying to do? Am I even worthy of love?
Speaker 2: Can I even trust myself? I want to please them
Speaker 2: so much, but I don't know how even when I try.
Speaker 2: This causes us to really second guess everything because we
Speaker 2: become afraid of misstepping and we begin to internalize the
Speaker 2: lack of support or the words that they say, and
Speaker 2: the seeds of self doubt are really kind of sown
Speaker 2: at that moment. This can also emerge when we are
Speaker 2: compared to siblings, for example, and we again internalize a
Speaker 2: belief that compared to them, compared to this rivalry that
Speaker 2: is set up between us, we will never measure up.
Speaker 2: We will never be good enough for our parents. They
Speaker 2: will always have a favorite, and that favorite will never
Speaker 2: be us, and that again creates self doubt. The final
Speaker 2: example I'll give of this which kind of underlines all
Speaker 2: of the previous examples, but it's basically, when there are
Speaker 2: these high expectations that we can never meet, and it's
Speaker 2: not that when we don't meet them we're still met
Speaker 2: with love. When we don't meet them, we are perhaps
Speaker 2: met with criticism, neglect, punishment, some kind of I don't
Speaker 2: know behavior or discipline that actually undermines who we are,
Speaker 2: and our sense of value does begin to weaken in
Speaker 2: response to that. In fact, according to research by the
Speaker 2: University of Nevada, a big factor that actually contributes to
Speaker 2: imposter syndrome later in life is hypocritical parents. Hypocritical parents
Speaker 2: who no matter what you did, the accolades, the achievements, fawning,
Speaker 2: trying so hard to please them, it was never good enough,
Speaker 2: and so once again your compass loses direction. That is
Speaker 2: one set of experiences that contributes to a very innate
Speaker 2: lack of belief in ourselves. But it's not just our parents.
Speaker 2: It's our peers that obviously also make up a big
Speaker 2: part of that early environment. And you know what, I
Speaker 2: don't think our peers get enough credit for some of
Speaker 2: the pain that they cause, if we can even call
Speaker 2: it credit. Next to our parents, our peers are like
Speaker 2: the biggest influence, and their influence is sometimes a not
Speaker 2: positive but b just tends to increase the older we
Speaker 2: get when we get into our teenage is the people
Speaker 2: that we are mainly concerned with impressing are our friends.
Speaker 2: The way that I could go on about the impact
Speaker 2: of childhood bullying on adult self esteem. This episode would
Speaker 2: be hours long because it's not spoken about. We often
Speaker 2: tend to think of, you know, once we leave that environment,
Speaker 2: once we leave school behind, once we leave our bullies behind,
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, we can kind of wash our hands
Speaker 2: of this. We're done, we can move forward. All of
Speaker 2: those negative emotional reactions disappear. But if you went through
Speaker 2: that ten fifteen years ago, during that really really vulnerable
Speaker 2: period that we all go through, you know, during that
Speaker 2: really formative period, it's not like those experiences of being bullied,
Speaker 2: of being excluded, of being you know, socially, physically, verbally.
Speaker 2: I don't like the term abuse, but yeah, bullied, those
Speaker 2: experiences don't necessarily go away. And you know, fifteen years old,
Speaker 2: you might still hear those voices in your head when
Speaker 2: you're trying something new, or when you're going for a
Speaker 2: promotion at work, when you're trying to push beyond your
Speaker 2: own limits and extend yourself, because those voices were just
Speaker 2: so loud during a time when your self concept was
Speaker 2: being formed. You know, being bullied, whether that is physical
Speaker 2: or verbal or social or you know, exclusion, that has
Speaker 2: been shown to quite literally change the brain due to
Speaker 2: an increased exposure to the stress hormone cortisol during that
Speaker 2: period during our adolescence, where our neurons are wiring and
Speaker 2: rewiring quite rapidly. What that basically means is that the
Speaker 2: brain of someone who was bullied versus the brain of
Speaker 2: someone who wasn't are going to look very different, specifically
Speaker 2: in the regions that process danger in our environment, specifically
Speaker 2: in our emotional brain circuits like the amygdala that processes fear,
Speaker 2: and the areas of our brain that process a specific
Speaker 2: kind of pain called social pain, the pain that follows
Speaker 2: experiences of rejection, of loss, of ostracism. When they looked
Speaker 2: at the long term consequences of this, people bullied as
Speaker 2: children showed heightened levels of social anxiety, heightened levels of perfectionism,
Speaker 2: and of course self doubt during that time. I think
Speaker 2: we can all kind of remember this. We really really
Speaker 2: care about what others think about us. We really care
Speaker 2: about whether we have enough friends, We really care about
Speaker 2: what the cool girl a cool guy like, whether they
Speaker 2: think that we're also cool like. It's just this constant
Speaker 2: social anxiety that is buzzing below the surface, and when
Speaker 2: people around you drill away at your confidence, whether that
Speaker 2: is teasing, whether that is you know, criticizing you, whether
Speaker 2: that is slight comments about your grades, your clothes. You
Speaker 2: lose that innate trust you have in yourself, and you
Speaker 2: lose that kind of innate trust you have in your value,
Speaker 2: and you withdraw. You shelter yourself away from potentially being
Speaker 2: hurt again or being bruised again by these same people,
Speaker 2: are these same experiences. And the way that you shelter
Speaker 2: yourself is by no longer showing up, by no longer
Speaker 2: putting yourself out there. Because what this has taught you
Speaker 2: is that when you do that, you open yourself up
Speaker 2: to the potential to be hurt, to the potential to
Speaker 2: be excluded or isolated or criticized, and you don't You
Speaker 2: don't want to endure that. It's painful. So the easiest
Speaker 2: way to not endure that is to not ever put
Speaker 2: yourself out there. This is because I think one aspect
Speaker 2: of self doubt we haven't spoken on yet is that
Speaker 2: it really is a form of self protection. It is
Speaker 2: a psychological defense mechanism because it shields us from potentially
Speaker 2: negative outcomes or emotional pain by being extremely cautious, by
Speaker 2: asking us to double check, by asking us to play
Speaker 2: it safe and to keep oursel in a place of
Speaker 2: comfort rather than discomfort. You know, kids are so cruel
Speaker 2: and it's quite sad to think that, despite all of
Speaker 2: us being so young at the time, we were capable
Speaker 2: of doing this, you know, send me long term damage
Speaker 2: to how we see ourselves and the world because of
Speaker 2: that childhood cruelty and the impact that this has on
Speaker 2: our selves. Doubt is definitely heightened when you already have
Speaker 2: innate personality traits like perfectionism, or you're a sensitive soul,
Speaker 2: or you have a high baseline level for anxiety. You know,
Speaker 2: if you are a sensitive kid, I'll go back to
Speaker 2: that example like I was, like, I'm sure many of
Speaker 2: us weren't. These things can be incredibly hard to forget.
Speaker 2: And also our memory is often more attuned to negative experiences.
Speaker 2: We have a negativity bias. So if you're still feeling
Speaker 2: like you're reliving the trauma from a childhood bully or
Speaker 2: a teenage bully, I honestly think that that is quite
Speaker 2: a valid thing for you to be experiencing. I think
Speaker 2: that those experiences don't disappear as fast is most people
Speaker 2: would lead us to believe. Another thing that really causes
Speaker 2: us to get buried in self doubt, especially the older
Speaker 2: we get, especially when we are in our late teenage
Speaker 2: years early twenties, are toxic or chaotic relationships when it
Speaker 2: comes to love. I know it sounds so obvious, but
Speaker 2: you know that is where we are most vulnerable. And
Speaker 2: so when we trust somebody or when we really want
Speaker 2: them to return our attention and our affection, and that
Speaker 2: turns around and becomes insults or they reject us, so
Speaker 2: they treat us like we're too much, that we're second best.
Speaker 2: That does some real emotional damage. And we talked about
Speaker 2: this on last week's episode on Red Flags. There was
Speaker 2: a twenty nineteen study that we referenced that showed how
Speaker 2: negative romantic experiences play a role in the development of
Speaker 2: our sense of self esteem, and our self esteem is
Speaker 2: a primary contributing factor to our sense of self doubt.
Speaker 2: This makes a lot of sense for anyone who has
Speaker 2: unfortunately had an ex experience with someone you cared about
Speaker 2: or who you liked has been the same person to
Speaker 2: break down your confidence. You really end up losing trust
Speaker 2: in yourself because you feel like, how could I have
Speaker 2: been so wrong about someone? Even though it's not your fault.
Speaker 2: It all comes back to this was a choice for me.
Speaker 2: I chose someone who was going to maybe treat me
Speaker 2: like this, or what if what they're saying is true.
Speaker 2: If I really like them, there must be something good
Speaker 2: about them. They must know something about me that I don't.
Speaker 2: So it's those early romantic relationships, even our recent romantic relationships,
Speaker 2: that can once again really furrow into our brain and
Speaker 2: make us doubt almost everything that we choose to do.
Speaker 2: Beyond that, we also have experiences of failure and of setbacks,
Speaker 2: and you know, our twenties are right for them because
Speaker 2: it is definitely one of the first times. It is
Speaker 2: the first time that we are truly independent, and we
Speaker 2: don't have the safety net of our parents, or our
Speaker 2: teachers or of school to catch us. So our moves,
Speaker 2: our behaviors, they're all our own, and sometimes it just
Speaker 2: doesn't go our way, and that causes us to retreat
Speaker 2: and doubt the compass. There will be times in which
Speaker 2: we did our best, we did what we thought was right,
Speaker 2: and it did not go according to plan. We all
Speaker 2: have them. I remember a few instances like this. One
Speaker 2: was when I went for this scholarship at my University,
Speaker 2: thought I did great, didn't get it, got knocked back,
Speaker 2: and that was something that I ended up being really
Speaker 2: grateful for. But that's a story for another time. And
Speaker 2: another example I was thinking of was when I worked
Speaker 2: really hard on this assignment and it was like one
Speaker 2: of my first assignments at UNI and I got a
Speaker 2: fifty five percent. That is a small setback in the
Speaker 2: scheme of things. I could not tell you what the
Speaker 2: paper was about. I could not tell you the opening sentence.
Speaker 2: I could not tell you like anything to do with
Speaker 2: that paper. But I remember that I got that grade,
Speaker 2: and that grade made me question everything about who I
Speaker 2: thought I was. I thought that I was smart. I
Speaker 2: thought that you know that I was ambitious. I thought
Speaker 2: that I was adaptable. In this kind of proved me otherwise,
Speaker 2: and how could I trust my judgment now? It really
Speaker 2: didn't help that I was in this competitive atmosphere. Everyone
Speaker 2: seemed to be doing so well, everyone was succeeding. It
Speaker 2: was just me who couldn't couldn't keep up, and I
Speaker 2: wanted to kind of prove that I deserve to be there.
Speaker 2: And obviously, in my mind, when I got that fifty
Speaker 2: five percent, I proved the opposite, I proved to myself
Speaker 2: that I did not deserve to be there. In the
Speaker 2: months after that, I remember actually this really specific instance
Speaker 2: of writing this other essay and going back and forth
Speaker 2: and back and forth on the opening line, almost feeling
Speaker 2: like I was going to cry, feeling paralyzed by this paper,
Speaker 2: like is this good? I think it is. I think
Speaker 2: this is good, But how can I tell? Because I
Speaker 2: thought that my last paper was good and I was wrong.
Speaker 2: And this leads back to imposter syndrome. You want to
Speaker 2: know something really ironic but also quite quite funny. I
Speaker 2: find it funny at least my very first episode of
Speaker 2: this podcast on imposter syndrome. That was over three years ago,
Speaker 2: and I don't think I have gotten any better at
Speaker 2: dealing with it despite all the years of work that
Speaker 2: I've done. Impostera syndrome is rooted in a lot of
Speaker 2: that doubt that comes from a lot of those really
Speaker 2: core memories, in core experiences. And no matter how much
Speaker 2: you prove to yourself that you deserve your successes, your achievements,
Speaker 2: no matter how far you push yourself, how much you do,
Speaker 2: how much you achieve, you are constantly followed by this
Speaker 2: fear that one day, the people around you or the
Speaker 2: people that matter, are going to realize that you are
Speaker 2: a fraud. You are waiting for this other shoe to drop,
Speaker 2: despite the fact that you are probably really accomplished and
Speaker 2: really deserving. But because you don't trust your own assessments.
Speaker 2: You can have all the evidence in the world, all
Speaker 2: the praise, all the promotions, everything, and you will still
Speaker 2: feel like you tricked somebody. You will still feel like
Speaker 2: somebody made a mistake or you just got lucky. The
Speaker 2: problem with imposta syndrome is that the experience of doing
Speaker 2: well at something does not change your beliefs. That thought
Speaker 2: still nags in the back of your head. You know
Speaker 2: what gives me the right to be here. The more
Speaker 2: you accomplished, the you know, the more you actually feel
Speaker 2: like a fraud, the more you feel like you've tricked
Speaker 2: even more people. It's as though you can't internalize your
Speaker 2: experience of success. At the end of the day, it's
Speaker 2: self doubt. It's never feeling good enough, it's never feeling
Speaker 2: like you have the right to be where you are.
Speaker 2: That imposter syndrome can push us to one end of
Speaker 2: the spectrum where we are so focused on overachieving and
Speaker 2: pushing ourselves harder and harder that we end up burning out.
Speaker 2: We end up not being able to achieve anything that
Speaker 2: we want to because we are so exhausted. And on
Speaker 2: the other hand, it can also push us to the
Speaker 2: other end of the spectrum, where we self sabotage or
Speaker 2: we self handicap. There is this quote that perfectly summarizes
Speaker 2: this for me. People never rise above the opinions of themselves.
Speaker 2: That is so harsh, but it is so true, and
Speaker 2: it is exactly what I mean by self handicapping and
Speaker 2: self sabotaging. If your opinion is that you are undeserving,
Speaker 2: that you don't know what you're doing, that you are
Speaker 2: out of place, people know you're a fraud, you're not
Speaker 2: good enough. The list goes on. When the chance comes
Speaker 2: for you to prove otherwise and to step into a
Speaker 2: version of you that shows yourself that those beliefs are wrong,
Speaker 2: it is so uncomfortable and it contradicts so many of
Speaker 2: your beliefs that you self handicap. Self handicapping is a
Speaker 2: behavioral response to feeling uncertain about our abilities, where we
Speaker 2: unconsciously find an outside source to blame for our behaviors
Speaker 2: that protect us from feeling inadequate. You know, if you're
Speaker 2: already going to fail, why not fail on your own terms?
Speaker 2: To avoid the imp habarrassment of putting yourself out there?
Speaker 2: Why apply for that job you are objectively a perfect for.
Speaker 2: If you believe you're going to be rejected, why post
Speaker 2: that photo or put yourself out there online? If you
Speaker 2: know people are already going to laugh at it? Why
Speaker 2: ask that person on a date when you know they'll
Speaker 2: say no. Why not just save yourself the awkwardness? You
Speaker 2: know it shows up in so many ways. Hopefully you
Speaker 2: get what I'm what I'm getting at. Self doubt, when uncontained,
Speaker 2: causes us to unconsciously limit ourselves and limit our by
Speaker 2: our potential by letting sometimes life changing opportunities pass us
Speaker 2: by and not acting because we can't possibly think that
Speaker 2: they'd be for somebody like us. The other way that
Speaker 2: this manifests is in indecisiveness, which some people would actually
Speaker 2: argue is a form of self sabotage or a form
Speaker 2: of self handicapping, an unconscious form of that. You know,
Speaker 2: indecisiveness involves very much overthinking and over analyzing our decisions
Speaker 2: before we make them. Perhaps to the point that we
Speaker 2: never do. Obviously, it's a good thing to think through
Speaker 2: your decisions. It's good to have some healthy level of
Speaker 2: skepticism and humility, otherwise we do via too far into
Speaker 2: the path of arrogance. But if we are actually just
Speaker 2: scared to fail, or if we are actually just scared
Speaker 2: of making the wrong decision because we don't trust our
Speaker 2: ability to meet the demands of this new chapter, of
Speaker 2: this new opportunity, we are actually self abandoning before we
Speaker 2: even gave ourselves a chance. And it's devastating that we
Speaker 2: are the ones who said no throughout indecisiveness before anybody
Speaker 2: else could. We were our kind of biggest enemies in
Speaker 2: those moments, without perhaps even realizing it, because in our
Speaker 2: mind we were just trying to make the right decision.
Speaker 2: We were just trying to really weigh up all the
Speaker 2: pros and cons. But actually that analysis per hour analysis
Speaker 2: is a way of making sure that we never have
Speaker 2: to push past the discomfort of proving our self doubts wrong.
Speaker 2: It's interesting because people might call these kinds of individuals lazy,
Speaker 2: or we might, you know, call them procrastinators, because at
Speaker 2: face value, maybe that's what it looks like, but underneath
Speaker 2: it all is this belief system that has become rotten
Speaker 2: by insecurity that is invisible to everyone around us, and
Speaker 2: is you know, the voice of that is our inner critic.
Speaker 2: The voice of that is this very loud, nagging sound
Speaker 2: at our head, of like, you can't do that, you're
Speaker 2: not good at You're not good enough. Imagine everything that
Speaker 2: could go wrong. Imagine when somebody, somebody important, is going
Speaker 2: to realize that you've lied, that you're a fraud, that
Speaker 2: you can't perform. Knowing what this may be costing us,
Speaker 2: you know, our dream life, a rich life, love, friendship, money, opportunities,
Speaker 2: what do we do about it? How do we silence
Speaker 2: that voice that in a critic, that self doubt. I
Speaker 2: have so many tips for you, so many tips coming up,
Speaker 2: including the power of a persona, the power of an
Speaker 2: alter ego, why we need exposure to failure, and why
Speaker 2: we should be doubting our self doubts, all of that
Speaker 2: and more after this short break. Knowing that we have
Speaker 2: negative doubts about ourselves is one thing. I think, addressing
Speaker 2: them is a whole other beast, because we are essentially
Speaker 2: now tasked with undoing a whole belief system, one which
Speaker 2: the evidence would tell us has been around for many,
Speaker 2: many years, probably longer than we have been aware of it.
Speaker 2: So let's break down how we can kind of regain
Speaker 2: control over your self doubt. Firstly, really go behind your
Speaker 2: negative thoughts and your negative self beliefs and ask what
Speaker 2: are you actually afraid of? What are your doubts supposedly
Speaker 2: warning you of? What are they protecting you from? What
Speaker 2: is this fear trying to tell you? Like we said before,
Speaker 2: you know, self doubt is a form of self protection.
Speaker 2: It's saying, you know, failure in this circumstance is scary.
Speaker 2: Judgment is scary, and we don't want to be exposed
Speaker 2: to that. So let's play it safe. And what I
Speaker 2: want you to do is almost like a pro con
Speaker 2: analysis of what it would mean to listen to those
Speaker 2: self doubts and live with the fear, or to live
Speaker 2: in spite of it. Let me give you an example.
Speaker 2: Say you're thinking of moving it to a new city,
Speaker 2: but you've been going back and forth on it for
Speaker 2: the last six months. You're doubting yourself. You know, can
Speaker 2: I do this alone? Am I the kind of person
Speaker 2: who does these things? Will I have to return in
Speaker 2: six months and admit that I failed, that I couldn't
Speaker 2: find a job, that I couldn't adapt, that I couldn't
Speaker 2: make new friends. What are people going to think of me?
Speaker 2: Some days you think you can do it, and other
Speaker 2: days you don't think you can. You experience that really
Speaker 2: awful drop in self confidence, and so you hold off
Speaker 2: making the decision. But you feel like you're doing something
Speaker 2: because you're constantly analyzing and trying to essentially determine do
Speaker 2: I believe in myself enough to do this? What you
Speaker 2: might actually be afraid of? What might be fueling this
Speaker 2: self doubt? Is actually more complex. You're not just scared
Speaker 2: of failing, but you are scared of what others think.
Speaker 2: You're scared of proving to yourself that you're not capable.
Speaker 2: You're scared of loneliness. You're scared of your ability to
Speaker 2: tolerate change and uncertainty. But what is the worst thing
Speaker 2: that uncertainty or loneliness or change or transition can really
Speaker 2: do to you? Truly? You'll feel uncomfortable, yes, but you
Speaker 2: also won't grow. It might be hard, it will take courage,
Speaker 2: but any years time you'll look back and think, I'm
Speaker 2: so glad that I did this now, and those memories
Speaker 2: are going to last for a long time. When you
Speaker 2: actually go behind yourself doubt, behind why you question your
Speaker 2: ability to do something, and you look at what fears
Speaker 2: are holding up that belief, you realize that what your
Speaker 2: self doubt is trying to protect you from is not
Speaker 2: as scary as what it is protecting you from not doing,
Speaker 2: If that makes sense. The same goes for things that
Speaker 2: work or uni professionally in your career. What are you
Speaker 2: actually afraid of? What are your self doubts trying to
Speaker 2: protect you from by not going for that promotion, by
Speaker 2: not applying for that job, by not you know, starting
Speaker 2: your own business or creating something you are putting yourself
Speaker 2: out there. Is it embarrassment? Is it being seen and
Speaker 2: perceived by others? Is it failure? Is it proving to
Speaker 2: yourself what you always thought that you don't deserve it? Anyways? Again, firstly,
Speaker 2: those fears are probably ninety nine percent of the time
Speaker 2: not going to happen. You're not going to embarrass yourself,
Speaker 2: You're not going to be perceived by others in a
Speaker 2: negative way that it's going to harm you. But if
Speaker 2: they do, is it worse than never trying at all
Speaker 2: is the fear of the possibility of something bad happening
Speaker 2: worth the opportunity of something really good happening. That can
Speaker 2: be hard to put into practice, by the way, I
Speaker 2: absolutely understand. But one of the ways that I do
Speaker 2: it is by personifying my self doubt and speaking directly
Speaker 2: to it with compassion and gratitude. I know this sounds
Speaker 2: really silly, but just try it. Say to yourself doubt, like, Hey,
Speaker 2: I really appreciate you looking out for me. That is
Speaker 2: so nice of you. Thank you so much for anticipating
Speaker 2: those things. I really appreciate all the extra work that
Speaker 2: you're doing. But I've got it from here. I'm gonna
Speaker 2: do it anyways, and we can revisit later on. We'll
Speaker 2: circle back. The thing to remember is that you are
Speaker 2: your self doubts. You own them. They come from you,
Speaker 2: and so you can say no to them as well.
Speaker 2: You can say, yeah, no, I actually don't believe that. Sorry,
Speaker 2: actually no, Like that's probably not going to happen, So
Speaker 2: thank you for that thought. You're wrong. Moving on, the
Speaker 2: other thing that really helps me with this and helps
Speaker 2: me put things into perspective is to remind myself that
Speaker 2: other people, people that I admire pretty much have the
Speaker 2: same internal self skepticism and doubts as me. It's very
Speaker 2: easy to compare ourselves to the people around us, these
Speaker 2: incredibly successful people, and kind of believe that the only
Speaker 2: reason they have what we dream of is because they
Speaker 2: were always confident in their ability to do so, or
Speaker 2: that everything has worked out for them, that they have
Speaker 2: none of these self doubts, when actually so many of
Speaker 2: the greats, so many of the people we really admire,
Speaker 2: have had setbacks, They have had crippling doubts that they
Speaker 2: have had to overcome to be who they are now.
Speaker 2: The person I always think of when it comes to
Speaker 2: this is Simone Biles. The Olympics are coming up. She's
Speaker 2: a great example. She is the most decorated gymnast, the
Speaker 2: most one of the most accomplished Olympians in history, and
Speaker 2: a few years back she gave this interview saying that
Speaker 2: there had been so many times when she didn't think
Speaker 2: that she was good enough, when she was so hypercritical
Speaker 2: of her performance, that, in her words, she couldn't remember
Speaker 2: a day where she didn't cry. We each come to
Speaker 2: our dreams and our desires and our plans with doubts.
Speaker 2: Even those who you would never believe would falter or
Speaker 2: for one second think that they weren't great because they
Speaker 2: are the best, imposter syndrome still strikes them down. It's
Speaker 2: like the natural equalizer. And when you realize that even
Speaker 2: these incredible athletes, incredible people, have these feelings, you also
Speaker 2: begin to realize that maybe the only difference between them
Speaker 2: and maybe the people who aren't on that podium, maybe us,
Speaker 2: is that they didn't let that fear at the root
Speaker 2: of their self doubt overwhelm them. Here's the other reason
Speaker 2: why I think having these kinds of realistic idols and
Speaker 2: seeing these examples and hearing them speak about it is
Speaker 2: so helpful for soothing our self doubts. It really helps
Speaker 2: us ask the question, you know, why not me, Why
Speaker 2: can't I have that? Why can't I be her? Why
Speaker 2: can't I dream big or take the chances that they have?
Speaker 2: Because we have the same self doubts. They've just found
Speaker 2: a place for them. They've set the example, they have
Speaker 2: proven that it's possible, and now it's kind of your turn.
Speaker 2: Maybe you don't want to be an Olympic gymnast, but
Speaker 2: you know, whatever it is, that you are striving towards.
Speaker 2: There is an example of somebody in that professional in
Speaker 2: your career who has experienced the most crippling form of
Speaker 2: self doubt and pushed beyond it. And I want us
Speaker 2: to just sit for a second and really ponder that question.
Speaker 2: Whatever it is that your self doubt is keeping you
Speaker 2: back from why not you? And I want you to
Speaker 2: give me at least three reasons. Chances are you can't
Speaker 2: because your fear and your self doubt is not actually rational.
Speaker 2: It's just kind of betting on you listening to it
Speaker 2: blindly and obeying what it's telling you to do, being indecisive.
Speaker 2: It's betting on you not taking risks. It's betting on
Speaker 2: you playing it safe when actually, when you really drill
Speaker 2: down into it, the reasons to not do something are
Speaker 2: often a lot less persuasive than the reasons to do something.
Speaker 2: Here's how we counteract that. Make a persona for yourself.
Speaker 2: Create a version of you. Visualize a character that would
Speaker 2: do all the things that you believe that you can't.
Speaker 2: Base that persona off of the people you admire who
Speaker 2: did what you dream to do, even if they're fictional.
Speaker 2: Base that persona off of your ideal vision of your
Speaker 2: future self, or your idols or your wildest dreams, and
Speaker 2: give them a name. And then the question is between
Speaker 2: doubting yourself and doing the thing, whatever it is. Ask yourself, Okay,
Speaker 2: what would my persona do? What would this version of me,
Speaker 2: who is everything I want to be, who is all
Speaker 2: the great parts of everybody else that I love and
Speaker 2: I admire? What would they take the risks? You know,
Speaker 2: they wouldn't think twice. Would they put themselves out there?
Speaker 2: Of course they would. Would they wear this weird outfit?
Speaker 2: Of course they would? And there you go. They are
Speaker 2: the justification for doing all the things that you maybe
Speaker 2: wouldn't do otherwise. Be like, you know, well, I wasn't
Speaker 2: going to take that solo trip, but Patricia, my alter ego,
Speaker 2: made me. She wanted me to go, so I guess
Speaker 2: I have to go. I wasn't going to apply for
Speaker 2: that promotion or ask that person out, but you know,
Speaker 2: Ronaldo would do it, and I've got to, you know,
Speaker 2: do it for Ronaldo. I've got to do it for
Speaker 2: this alter ego. I've got to be this version and
Speaker 2: vision of me that I believe in and that is
Speaker 2: possible become that persona, become this alter ego, you know,
Speaker 2: make them responsible for the things that you were scared
Speaker 2: to do. The benefits of this are amazing. Greater performance,
Speaker 2: greater confidence, more will power, quicker decision making. In psychology,
Speaker 2: it's called the Batman effect, and the reason it works
Speaker 2: is because it allows us to separate ourselves from all
Speaker 2: the negative beliefs, our past, our memories, whatever is holding
Speaker 2: us back, and it projects only the best parts of
Speaker 2: ourselves onto this. You know, I don't want to say false,
Speaker 2: this fantasy version of us. It kind of rains in
Speaker 2: the undesirable feelings that are holding us back. Through this
Speaker 2: very effective form of self distancing. When I want to
Speaker 2: stop getting in my own way, I think about what
Speaker 2: Gemma with a G would do. She wouldn't think about
Speaker 2: other's opinions before her own. Gemma with the G is
Speaker 2: totally confident, totally self aware. She wouldn't doubt herself before
Speaker 2: she expressed what she was feeling. She wouldn't stop herself
Speaker 2: saying yes to cool things or going places where she
Speaker 2: knew no one. That's what Gemma with a G would do,
Speaker 2: and I want to do right by her. So try
Speaker 2: this persona alter ego tip for just a week, apply
Speaker 2: it where necessary, and see if it changes anything. It's
Speaker 2: almost like thinking from a place of your ideal self
Speaker 2: rather than your scared self, rather than your doubting self.
Speaker 2: If your self doubt is especially linked to fascination and indecisiveness,
Speaker 2: I would also say train yourself to not do things
Speaker 2: perfectly every time. Treat failure like an assignment almost and
Speaker 2: just do go to the gym. Even if you don't
Speaker 2: end up working out right. You still went. You still
Speaker 2: made a decision to go wear an outfit, even if
Speaker 2: you know it doesn't look great, just for like a
Speaker 2: couple of hours. Put your hand up to host that event,
Speaker 2: or to go to that wrong club, or anything that
Speaker 2: means you will show up, even if you don't show
Speaker 2: up perfectly, Because what matters most is just being decisive
Speaker 2: and doing that is what we are trying to train
Speaker 2: ourselves into. You are allowed to make mistakes, you don't
Speaker 2: have to do it perfectly. That's okay, and you build
Speaker 2: up this tolerance for failure. And failure is often the
Speaker 2: thing that our self doubt is most scared of. It's
Speaker 2: like when you do cold water plunges right, it feels
Speaker 2: so terrible at the beginning, but soon you begin to
Speaker 2: relax into it and realize that this actually isn't that scary,
Speaker 2: This actually isn't dangerous. My brain is just trying to
Speaker 2: convince me that it is to protect me. This also
Speaker 2: doesn't give us time to get stuck in the analysis
Speaker 2: loop of do I do it? Do I not? Am
Speaker 2: I deserving? Am I not? Because our assignment is to
Speaker 2: disregard those things and just do that. It's that simple,
Speaker 2: Make it that simple, Just do it. Oh my god,
Speaker 2: hopefully I don't get sued by Nike for using their
Speaker 2: phrase that was completely accidental. But again, ask the question,
Speaker 2: what are you truly afraid of? Get behind those fears
Speaker 2: and is there a chance that your doubts are incorrect?
Speaker 2: That is the final part of this My final tip
Speaker 2: for this episode. Question what your brain is trying to
Speaker 2: convince you is fact, and remember that if your doubts
Speaker 2: came from you, there is a possibility that they might
Speaker 2: be biased or maybe wrong. A lot of the time
Speaker 2: they are based on this incorrect or faulty evidence. You know,
Speaker 2: this faulty evidence from our past experiences that incorrectly made
Speaker 2: us assume that we weren't worthy. We weren't valuable, we
Speaker 2: weren't talented, we weren't intelligent, And because those doubts are
Speaker 2: actually originating from inside of you, they are have an
Speaker 2: internal origin. Once again, you can choose to say, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't think that's right. I'm just going
Speaker 2: to choose to not believe this today. I'm going to
Speaker 2: choose to not believe that I don't deserve this. I'm
Speaker 2: going to believe that there wasn't a mistake, that I
Speaker 2: didn't just get lucky, that I'm here for a reason,
Speaker 2: because that belief and my self doubt are both coming
Speaker 2: from me, and they both have the capacity to be true.
Speaker 2: So I'm going to do it anyways. I'm going to
Speaker 2: be myself anyways. I'm going to show up anyways some
Speaker 2: final reminders, because you know, I love to close my
Speaker 2: episodes out with a little pep talk to hype you
Speaker 2: guys up, to get you to apply what I'm hoping
Speaker 2: you've learned. Please remember that most of us don't just
Speaker 2: explode right out the gate. Most of us do spend
Speaker 2: some time doubting our own abilities in some capacity. The
Speaker 2: difference is whether you let that define your reality or
Speaker 2: you let it just be a thought. It can be
Speaker 2: hard when your in a critic is loud, but once again,
Speaker 2: your inner critic is your own voice. You and your
Speaker 2: inner critic are one and the same, so you are
Speaker 2: actually able to replace those beliefs with a better and
Speaker 2: more real understanding of who you are, which is someone
Speaker 2: who is competent, confident, a risk taker, willing to bet
Speaker 2: on themselves, someone who learns from setbacks, and who, if
Speaker 2: you've made it this far, is obviously deeply committed to
Speaker 2: becoming your best self. So don't let yourself be to
Speaker 2: blame for I guess holding you back. Don't you get
Speaker 2: to the end of your life and realize that nobody
Speaker 2: ever actually said no or turned you away or turned
Speaker 2: you down. You did it before they even had the chance,
Speaker 2: so you never really put yourself in the running. I
Speaker 2: don't want that to be your reality. So I'm giving
Speaker 2: you a big hug through the microphone and a big
Speaker 2: you can fucking do it, because you can. You absolutely can.
Speaker 2: Your self doubt do not control you. And as always,
Speaker 2: I just really hope that you enjoyed this episode. At
Speaker 2: the least, I hope that you learned something new about yourself,
Speaker 2: about your life, or about your psychology. As always, if
Speaker 2: you feel like there is somebody in your life who
Speaker 2: could benefit from this, please feel free to share with them.
Speaker 2: Make sure that you are following along for new episodes.
Speaker 2: I just got to say, we've got some amazing ones
Speaker 2: coming out soon. I am so excited for next week's episode,
Speaker 2: in particular, maybe it's already out by the time you're
Speaker 2: listening to this, but listen to that one next if
Speaker 2: that is the case. And if you could give us
Speaker 2: a five star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, that
Speaker 2: also really helps the show to go and reach a
Speaker 2: new audience. If you enjoyed this episode, if you have feedback,
Speaker 2: and more importantly, if you have a topic suggestion something
Speaker 2: about the psychology of your twenties that we have not
Speaker 2: yet covered, I would love to hear from you. Make
Speaker 2: sure that you are following along at that psychology podcast
Speaker 2: or you can follow me at Gemma Spake. And until
Speaker 2: next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself,
Speaker 2: and we will talk soon.