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Speaker 1: I'm Elliott Connie, and this is family theory.

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Speaker 2: Welcome back. Today's session is about patience, but not the quiet,

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Speaker 2: passive kind. This is the plant of patience that gets

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Speaker 2: tested when you care deeply, when you see potential, when

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Speaker 2: you know what's possible for someone you love and they're

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Speaker 2: just not seeing it yet. You're going to hear from

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Speaker 2: Gladys today, and if you've been listening, you already know

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Speaker 2: she's clear, decisive, deeply loving, and fiercely protective. In this session,

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Speaker 2: she says something that really stuck with me. She says,

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Speaker 2: I'm sitting on the outside and I'm seeing things my

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Speaker 2: little sister is doing. I know there's change, but I

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Speaker 2: also know there's a lot of immaturity. That sentence right there,

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Speaker 2: that's the tension. Gladdys isn't speaking from judgment. She's speaking

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Speaker 2: from responsibility, from showing up, from rearranging her own life,

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Speaker 2: even changing her work schedule to support her sister and

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Speaker 2: her nephew. And yet she finds herself overwhelmed, irritated, and

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Speaker 2: hurt because what she's offering doesn't seem to be landing.

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Speaker 2: She says, I don't want to coddle you when you're

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Speaker 2: not taking action. I'm trying to heal my own things,

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Speaker 2: and I don't want to take on what you're not

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Speaker 2: ready to take on for yourself. That's not anger, that's

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Speaker 2: someone reaching the edge of their emotional capacity. In this conversation,

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Speaker 2: we explore what happens when one person is ready for

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Speaker 2: clarity and structure and the other is still carrying old

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Speaker 2: behaviors into new environments. We talk about how change actually works,

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Speaker 2: why it rarely happens on our time, and why impatience

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Speaker 2: often shows up when we want more for the people

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Speaker 2: we love than they seemingly want for themselves, when we

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Speaker 2: see fear and patterns creating repetitions of pain on what

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Speaker 2: is supposed to be a new path, and we talk

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Speaker 2: about how patience doesn't mean becoming a bystander. It means

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Speaker 2: participation and figuring out how to be safely involved. It

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Speaker 2: means modeling what you hope someone else will learn, even

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Speaker 2: when it's uncomfortable. Change happens over time and everyone adapts differently.

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Speaker 2: It's important to give our loved ones time to adjust,

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Speaker 2: and also taking a moment to ourselves to adjust to

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Speaker 2: their changes and how it ultimately changes us. Let's get

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Speaker 2: into the session.

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Speaker 3: It really truly loved my little sister, and I love

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Speaker 3: the fact that you know, she's naroed down here, but

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Speaker 3: I also know that there are a lot of things

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Speaker 3: that are not being spoken on or addressed in ways

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Speaker 3: that I'm able to see it fully. I feel like

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Speaker 3: over the last week since she's been down here. In

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Speaker 3: our last session, Elliott, I said, I kind of was.

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Speaker 3: I got that the session kind of like I won't

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Speaker 3: say bothered, but I would say irritated. Irritated in a

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Speaker 3: way because I'm sitting on the outside and I'm seeing

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Speaker 3: things that my little sister's doing, and I know that

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Speaker 3: there's change, but I also know that there's a lot

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Speaker 3: of immaturity as well. It's easy for her to be

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Speaker 3: able to speak over the phone and say something, but

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Speaker 3: in actuality take full responsibility. It's been really difficult. Jacques

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Speaker 3: asked me, like, have I expressed my feelings to her?

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Speaker 3: And I said, oh, I'm very expressed, Like you know,

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Speaker 3: I definitely do. And honestly, once we got off that session, Elliott,

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Speaker 3: because I was surprised about a couple of things. I

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Speaker 3: was surprised at what she said that she would really

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Speaker 3: want to travel, she would really want to spend more

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Speaker 3: time getting to know herself. And I feel like I

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Speaker 3: actually feel like she's been doing that, like you know

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Speaker 3: what I mean. So that was kind of like, wait, what,

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Speaker 3: I know that you're tapping more into yourself, but when

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Speaker 3: you say travel, I'm like, damn, says you always traveling?

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Speaker 3: Like you know. So so anyway, so when I got

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Speaker 3: off the session, I sat down with her and I said, Sis,

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Speaker 3: do you need some time? Do you need two weeks?

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Speaker 3: I said, because now you're here. And I told you

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Speaker 3: from the very beginning when you wanted to come here

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Speaker 3: three years ago, like I wanted you to be here

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Speaker 3: because I understand what's taken place. But I also need

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Speaker 3: you to understand you have a huge responsibility to.

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Speaker 4: Be better than okay and just just trying to survive

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Speaker 4: because you have all of the assets that you have

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Speaker 4: everything to be able to do what you need to do.

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Speaker 3: But I'm like, if you don't do it, then job

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Speaker 3: can't do it. And so anyway, so like I feel

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Speaker 3: like since she's been here, there's some things that have

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Speaker 3: come up within the family that she with her family

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Speaker 3: on the way here. Let me excuse me, Let me

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Speaker 3: just back up, Elliott, let me just back up. For

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Speaker 3: a year, I've been speaking to my little sister about

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Speaker 3: this move, so I was like, you know, once I

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Speaker 3: got to Boston, my little sister was not prepared at

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Speaker 3: all to move. So I was already pissed off about

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Speaker 3: that because I'm like, why are you packing while I'm here.

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Speaker 3: We've been speaking for weeks. I've been asking you certain

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Speaker 3: things like do you need help, what are you doing?

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Speaker 3: What do you what are you getting rid of? And

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Speaker 3: you're telling me you have everything completed, and then when

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Speaker 3: I'm actually here, you don't have anything, And now I

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Speaker 3: can't help you because at this point I've been trying

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Speaker 3: to get better and I wasn't feeling well, so I

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Speaker 3: can't help you with certain things. But you're not ready

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Speaker 3: when you tell people you're ready. So that started off

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Speaker 3: the trip down here, and then it also started off

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Speaker 3: for me seeing and hearing how her behavior is when

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Speaker 3: it comes to her mom and her siblings on her

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Speaker 3: side of the family and what they expect from each other,

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Speaker 3: what they don't. But everything has to do with a

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Speaker 3: lot of as far as material things, and I feel

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Speaker 3: like a lot of manipulation and that bothers me. Elliott.

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Speaker 3: It bothers me because I'm so tired of seeing broken families.

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Speaker 3: I'm so tired of brokenness. And when everybody wants to

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Speaker 3: talk about like, oh, I'm getting ready, I'm getting ready

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Speaker 3: to do certain things, I'm working on myself, what have

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Speaker 3: you. You can sit there and you can tell other people that,

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Speaker 3: but you're not doing it with the people that you

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Speaker 3: need to do it with. And it just makes me like,

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Speaker 3: there's so much over this last week that I feel

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Speaker 3: so overwhelmed with. When I hear my little sister say

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Speaker 3: things that I know are there's a lot of different emotions,

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Speaker 3: but even with her mom, like just the feeling of

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Speaker 3: just continuing to say that your mom doesn't support you.

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Speaker 3: And I have seen differently, think, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 3: I get there's things that you need from your mom,

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Speaker 3: But you can't tell me that your mom doesn't support you.

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Speaker 3: You can't say that she raised your daughter, like you

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Speaker 3: know what I mean, just even on the way to Georgia,

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Speaker 3: she sent you money, she sent you fund so for

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Speaker 3: you to say that you don't get support and then

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Speaker 3: I don't know, I don't know, but anyway, I feel

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Speaker 3: like the whole entire time now that she's been here.

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Speaker 3: She's been really secretive. I told her I would help

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Speaker 3: her out. She wants to homeschool him. I've been telling

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Speaker 3: her how to get that process to happen the first

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Speaker 3: three days that we were in Georgia. It was Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

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Speaker 3: She has a rental car. She already knows the situation

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Speaker 3: that's happening at my house right So I'm like, these

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Speaker 3: are the things that you have to take care of

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Speaker 3: if you want ya to be in school. If you

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Speaker 3: go to homeschool him, like get him in. If you

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Speaker 3: want to do it, you should send you living with us. Now.

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Speaker 3: You can be able to apply for school where we're at,

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Speaker 3: so he can go to the school with my little cousin,

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Speaker 3: so that he has some familiarity, like you know. But

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Speaker 3: if you want to homeschool him, this is what I'll do.

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Speaker 3: I went into work Elliott and I told my bosses

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Speaker 3: that I switched my schedule. I will now work from

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Speaker 3: three to eleven eleven because I want to make sure

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Speaker 3: that Jasmine has all the support that she can have

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Speaker 3: with jazz Are. So I like, I'll take care of

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Speaker 3: jazz Are during the morning so that you can get rest.

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Speaker 3: You work overnight. How are you going to properly do

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Speaker 3: the things that you want to do if you're not

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Speaker 3: getting rest. I already see you're everywhere everywhere, and nothing

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Speaker 3: is getting complete. So I tell her that I'm going

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Speaker 3: to change my schedule. Elliott, there's just so much she

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Speaker 3: doesn't I don't know. It's it's weird. I haven't had

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Speaker 3: this type of interaction with her in the sense of

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Speaker 3: your right now here and you're living where you want

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Speaker 3: to live. You're acting towards people like my mother, my aunt,

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Speaker 3: the family members in the house. You know everybody here,

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Speaker 3: but now that you're here, you're acting like you can't

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Speaker 3: we're oppressing you, or we're not supporting you, like you know,

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Speaker 3: when we're just asking you, how can we be of assistant?

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Speaker 3: We see where you need assistance, we know where you

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Speaker 3: need assistance, And now that you're here, you're now shutting

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Speaker 3: down with us. And I don't know how not to

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Speaker 3: speak on important matters like this, So I've just stepped

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Speaker 3: all the way back, and so it's been very Her

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Speaker 3: and my energy have not meshed at all because I'm like,

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Speaker 3: you're avoiding things that needs to happen, and I don't

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Speaker 3: know how to talk about it. So I'm like, if

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Speaker 3: you feel like you need to be in your own space,

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Speaker 3: like they're like, if you feel like whatever the cases

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Speaker 3: you need, then you need and on the outside whenever

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Speaker 3: you're ready to ask or say like cis, I'm here,

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Speaker 3: but I'm not going to stand here and coddle you

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Speaker 3: when you're showing me you're not even taking action in

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Speaker 3: just the simplest things of just being ready prepared for

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Speaker 3: the things that we've been speaking on, and now it's here.

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Speaker 3: I don't know, and I don't want to take on

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Speaker 3: what me and myself and I like, I'm I'm trying

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Speaker 3: to heal with Elijah. I don't want to take on

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Speaker 3: things that you're not ready to take on for yourself,

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Speaker 3: So why should I be a part? And that's why

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Speaker 3: I said with this session, it's a great session, But

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Speaker 3: if I can't speak to you after the session and

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Speaker 3: tell you how I feel without you just being dismissive

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Speaker 3: and shutting down and being like, oh well, I don't

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Speaker 3: want to hear about this and walk away like what

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Speaker 3: am I doing right now? What do we do? I

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Speaker 3: don't know if it made sense.

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Speaker 2: No, it does make sense, and I do have several questions,

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Speaker 2: what was the reason, Like, what is Jasmine trying to

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Speaker 2: accomplish in her life by moving to Georgia.

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Speaker 3: From the very beginning, it was to be able to

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Speaker 3: have a better environment for my nephew. When she saw

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Speaker 3: him here three years ago, she well, let me just

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Speaker 3: say this, her mom's already from Georgia, so there's been

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Speaker 3: talks in the family that they wanted to move down here. However,

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Speaker 3: when she saw Jazzier here three years ago, she has

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Speaker 3: been on like, no, I got to get down there

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Speaker 3: because of his Like, the environment for him is so

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Speaker 3: much better, and I feel so much better. So that's

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Speaker 3: what I've always.

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Speaker 5: Thought, like.

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Speaker 3: And and then over time I know it has to

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Speaker 3: do with family up there too in Boston, but that's family,

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Speaker 3: so you're never not going to be away from family

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Speaker 3: with distance. Wise, so yes, Jasmine wanted to be here

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Speaker 3: for her and her son to have a different life.

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Speaker 2: And from your perspective, what would you like to see

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Speaker 2: Jasmine doing that she's not currently doing.

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Speaker 3: I want her to be present, And.

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Speaker 2: How would you love to be with being present? What

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Speaker 2: would you see her doing that would tell you this

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Speaker 2: is her being present?

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Speaker 3: Because school has started down here, Elliott. So whatever you're

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Speaker 3: going to plan to do with him, whether it's going

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Speaker 3: to be homeschool or if it's going to be school,

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Speaker 3: be present and get him acclimated. Like that's right now.

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Speaker 3: That's my biggest thing from the very beginning. I told

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Speaker 3: her that she went to the school districts the other

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Speaker 3: day what I had said to her. She went actually

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Speaker 3: to speak to the school. They told her pretty much

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Speaker 3: the same thing that my family has been saying. Because

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Speaker 3: my family there's many kids that have gone to school,

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Speaker 3: like from my family here, so they started school here.

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Speaker 3: It is a good school district, and my nephew has

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Speaker 3: an IEP, so it's even better for him if he

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Speaker 3: gets into this school district that he can probably stay

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Speaker 3: regardless of if she moves to her apartment, that would

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Speaker 3: be out of our district. Right, So we tell her this,

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Speaker 3: she goes to the school, they tell her the same

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Speaker 3: exact thing, and there's still no movement of what needs

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Speaker 3: to be taken care of. But she'll get up, she's

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Speaker 3: on the phone, or she'll zone out for a while

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Speaker 3: as far as the present structured, because he needs that, Elliott,

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Speaker 3: he needs that, and when he has that, it's easier

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Speaker 3: for her to be able to do what she wants

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Speaker 3: to do. It's my biggest thing for me is that

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Speaker 3: you're here. We've been speaking about this for years. I've

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Speaker 3: been taking care of children for years. Of course, I'm

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Speaker 3: gonna help you. I must support you. But if you

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Speaker 3: tell me you want me to do something, I'm gonna

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Speaker 3: put my all into it. And I'm gonna expect the

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Speaker 3: same from you. More so because I knew you loved

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Speaker 3: your son, but you just don't know how to do

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Speaker 3: it right now, and you need help. And so in

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Speaker 3: me offering help, in you saying you need help, I'm

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Speaker 3: here and I'm telling you how I can help you,

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Speaker 3: and like in giving you information, and now you're upset

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Speaker 3: with me and you don't want to talk to me,

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Speaker 3: or you shut down with me. But my major thing

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Speaker 3: is for her to get done, her settled, and everything

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Speaker 3: outside that, it's oh, I got to wait till I move.

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Speaker 3: You are already moved. You're here. You're just waiting to

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Speaker 3: get into your apartment, like you know what you mean.

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Speaker 3: But even if you're in your apartment, I already know

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Speaker 3: how you live. Shit follows you no matter where you're at.

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Speaker 3: I know how communication is if she's upset about something,

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Speaker 3: she's just shut down. And I know it very well

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Speaker 3: because this is the same thing she doesn't like about

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Speaker 3: my dad. But there's so much alike in this manner.

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Speaker 3: They just shut down and then they don't talk for

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Speaker 3: however long, and then when they come back, it's like, oh, hi,

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Speaker 3: like you know. And but now it's different because now

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Speaker 3: you're in my face for sleeping right next to each other,

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Speaker 3: like you you're going to plan to be here, You're

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Speaker 3: going to be twenty minutes away from me. Of course,

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Speaker 3: anything I want to be able to do to help

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Speaker 3: you act with me. And one thousand percent here How

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Speaker 3: old is j seven? What grade? He's in second grade?

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Speaker 3: And he has optism? First of all, all children learn

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Speaker 3: at their own speed. My nephew is brilliant. I know

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Speaker 3: that what he's just with me, like in visiting over

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Speaker 3: the years. All he needs is structure like any other kid.

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Speaker 3: He's seven, he's active. I'm happy that he's here because

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Speaker 3: I have my little cousin that's here, who's six years old.

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Speaker 3: She's a miracle baby because she was born braindead but

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Speaker 3: she thrives. These two are so perfect to be able

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Speaker 3: to go through through their time together. Like you know,

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Speaker 3: so I feel like everything is here and everything that

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Speaker 3: Giane Jasmine needs is here, right, It's just more so

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Speaker 3: of getting her to move without feeling like you're threatened

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Speaker 3: or Oh, I don't feel like all of these things.

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Speaker 3: I tell you, Elliott, I just was really surprised by

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Speaker 3: just a lot of things with you hearing with our

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Speaker 3: session asking her, I want to say.

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Speaker 2: Something about that, but I really need your help. So

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Speaker 2: can you help me?

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Speaker 3: Anderson?

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Speaker 2: But I want to tell you specifically what I need

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Speaker 2: your help with you. You are a very very clear

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Speaker 2: and decisive person. Are you okay with me calling you that?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 2: And it seems to me that your sister is not

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Speaker 2: as clear nor decisive. Yes, And I hear your frustration

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Speaker 2: because I also think you're a very passionate person. And

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Speaker 2: as a result of you loving your sister and loving

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Speaker 2: your nephew, you want them to achieve certain things in

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Speaker 2: a very passionate way. Would you agree with that?

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Speaker 4: Yes?

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Speaker 2: Okay, So, given that those few things are true, I

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Speaker 2: need your help because this process will take time. Whenever

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Speaker 2: someone moves into a new environment, they always bring their

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Speaker 2: old behaviors into that new environment, always every time, So

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Speaker 2: your brain because you're so clear and you're so decisive.

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Speaker 2: Your brain is like, what the hell are you doing?

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Speaker 2: You're in this new environment. We've been talking about this

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Speaker 2: for years. Why are you behaving in the old way?

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Speaker 2: And the reason, Gladys is because that is exactly what

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Speaker 2: human beings do. And I agree. I want her to

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Speaker 2: make certain changes in her life. I want her to

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Speaker 2: prioritize what's good for her son. I want her to

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Speaker 2: learn how to be appreciative of her mother. I want

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Speaker 2: her to reconnect with who she is and start making

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Speaker 2: more mature decisions. But the first step in that process

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Speaker 2: is people always bring their old behaviors into new environments.

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Speaker 2: That's just how humans adjust. So I need two things

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Speaker 2: from you. The first thing I need is your patience,

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Speaker 2: and the second thing I need is your participation, because

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Speaker 2: you're gonna help be Like I hate to use this word, well,

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Speaker 2: I don't hate to it might not be the right R,

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Speaker 2: but you're gonna help model for Jasmine what direct communication

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Speaker 2: looks like, and what assertiveness looks like, and what taken

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Speaker 2: on challenges head on looks like, because those are things

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Speaker 2: you do naturally, and for whatever reason, Jasmine doesn't. But

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Speaker 2: there's going to be a learning curve on her way

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Speaker 2: to those things, and you're expecting immediacy, like hey, you

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Speaker 2: moved to Atlanta, let's go like, come on, let's do it.

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Speaker 2: But that's not how change works. There's not a whole

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Speaker 2: lot that you've said that I like, disagree with or

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Speaker 2: want to argue with. I just want you to understand

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Speaker 2: it's a process, and that process is drastically impacted in

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Speaker 2: a negative way without Gladys's participation.

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Speaker 3: Understand.

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Speaker 2: So what do you think about me saying.

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Speaker 3: That, appreciate your honesty and I understand I share so much,

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Speaker 3: or my siblings like you know what I mean, and

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Speaker 3: I share my struggles. They've seen me struggle, they've seen

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Speaker 3: me great adversity, like you know, thank you for telling me. Sorry,

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Speaker 3: that's received. I just feel like my themes are hurt

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Speaker 3: because this is not like this is not one of

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Speaker 3: the first time that you know, my sister stopped speaking

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Speaker 3: to me, and she didn't speak to me until my

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Speaker 3: Dee was until I met him three years ago, So

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Speaker 3: it was the first time I have never spoke to

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Speaker 3: her for three years. No matter how much I try to

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Speaker 3: speak on it or speak about it, it's something that

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Speaker 3: she learned and connect with. So I don't want to

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Speaker 3: happen now because I already know how she is. But

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Speaker 3: at the same time, I just want to honor myself,

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Speaker 3: like I don't appreciate your attitude, you know, appreciate your behavior.

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Speaker 2: Well, Gues, believe me when I tell you we will

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Speaker 2: get there, but it's going to have to be more

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Speaker 2: than one session, and it's gonna have to be a

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Speaker 2: little bit of time of her being in Georgia. I

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Speaker 2: understand change doesn't happen like that. And I think the

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Speaker 2: very first thing, like Gladys, it's not hard to notice

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Speaker 2: that you're a very passionate, loving, wise person and you

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Speaker 2: want your sister to learn from you, learn from your mistakes,

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Speaker 2: learn from these things. And I also believe that there's

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Speaker 2: been some hurt between you and your sister, and I

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Speaker 2: think that you have every right and in fact, you

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Speaker 2: deserve to be able to process that hurt. But the

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Speaker 2: first thing she needs is a sister. She needs warmth

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Speaker 2: and care from you first, and then I promise you

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Speaker 2: we'll do all of those other things. Yes that okay, yes, yess,

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Speaker 2: you're the very best. So the first thing I want

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Speaker 2: you to do is build a relationship with like a

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Speaker 2: sisterly relationship, and within that container we will address the

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Speaker 2: past hurts, and within that container, change will start to happen.

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Speaker 2: Because I think you have every right to we have

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Speaker 2: a process through them with her. Yes, it has to

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Speaker 2: be within the context of a sixth dearly relations Thank you, Elliot,

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Speaker 2: Glad you're the best.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 2: As we close out this session, I want to speak

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Speaker 2: directly to anyone listening who felt their chest tightened during

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Speaker 2: this conversation, feeling the anxiety caused by what is and

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Speaker 2: what we wish would hurry up and change. Anxiety often

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Speaker 2: comes from fixation. We lock into one thought they should

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Speaker 2: be further along. Why aren't they doing what we already

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Speaker 2: talked about? What if nothing changes? And when we get

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Speaker 2: stuck in that loop, we lose our ability to ask

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Speaker 2: a different question. That's why at the end of every

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Speaker 2: episode I leave you with several questions and yes, insert

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Speaker 2: a shameless plug right here. It's also why I wrote

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Speaker 2: change your questions, change your future, because the questions you

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Speaker 2: ask yourself determine the direction your mind goes next. If

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Speaker 2: you keep asking why are they like this? You will

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Speaker 2: stay stuck in frustration, and honestly, those types of questions

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Speaker 2: create a barrier preventing you from seeing small changes. So instead,

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Speaker 2: if you ask what does patients look like? Without me

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Speaker 2: abandoning myself, now you've opened a door in this session.

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Speaker 2: Gladys didn't need to love less, she didn't need to

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Speaker 2: care less. She needed permission to slow the timeline without

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Speaker 2: shutting down her heart, and to understand that people don't

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Speaker 2: shed old behaviors just because the scenery changes. So, as

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Speaker 2: you sit with this conversation, here are a few questions

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Speaker 2: you might ask yourself when anxiety or impatience shows up.

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Speaker 2: What am I expecting to happen in meeting that actually

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Speaker 2: requires time? Is my anxiety rooted in my ideas and

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Speaker 2: my hopes? Or am I acknowledging the true reality of

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Speaker 2: someone else's decisions? Am I reacting to what's happening now

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Speaker 2: or to a fear of what I think might repeat?

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Speaker 2: What part of this situation is within my control and

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Speaker 2: what part isn't. How can I participate in change without

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Speaker 2: carrying responsibility that isn't mine? What have I been asking

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Speaker 2: myself repeatedly that I can replace with a better.

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Speaker 3: Question right now?

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Speaker 2: Sometimes the most powerful shift doesn't come from pushing harder.

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Speaker 2: It comes from pausing long enough to ask something nat

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Speaker 2: change your questions, change the outcome. Thank you for listening.

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Speaker 2: We'll keep working through this together for you. Next week.

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Speaker 5: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey,

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Speaker 5: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM,

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Speaker 5: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you

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Speaker 5: can also send me a text message to nine seven

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Speaker 5: two four two six two six four zero.

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Speaker 1: Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black

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Speaker 1: Effect podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendale Seppe.

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Speaker 1: It's produced by Jack Queis Thomas and the executive producer

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Speaker 1: Dolly S.

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Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does

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Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to

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Speaker 1: specific concern or questions you may have.