Speaker 1: Make sure that you are prepared to receive what you
Speaker 1: asked God for.
Speaker 2: Oh, that is a very good one.
Speaker 3: And when I saw the title of the show, don't
Speaker 3: arrive before you get there, it made me think of
Speaker 3: this Jamaican term my mother would always say, don't be
Speaker 3: too previous, dead ass, dead ass. Hey, I'm Kadeen and
Speaker 3: I'm devoued and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 4: You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Speaker 3: Our voice and reading each other publicly as.
Speaker 2: A form of therapy.
Speaker 4: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes.
Speaker 5: Sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: We about to take Phillo talk to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 4: Story time.
Speaker 1: So this was season two of Sisters and we were
Speaker 1: dealing with quarantine and there was a young man who
Speaker 1: had booked a guest star on the show. Right, and
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say which character he played, but
Speaker 1: he booked.
Speaker 4: A guest star on the show.
Speaker 1: Long story short, he was a little overzealous because it's
Speaker 1: first time booking a guest star and we were in
Speaker 1: quarantine and he wanted to rehearse, and at the time,
Speaker 1: I had several scenes before his so I wasn't prepared
Speaker 1: to give him any time because I had to do
Speaker 1: those scenes first in the day.
Speaker 4: He wasn't used to our shooting schedule.
Speaker 1: Granted, he really wasn't used to the shooting schedule, so
Speaker 1: sch no, this is brand new, like this was this
Speaker 1: was twenty twenty, and he was getting upset because I
Speaker 1: hadn't alloted any time for us to work together. So
Speaker 1: he went to the producers, he went to the studio
Speaker 1: heads and was complaining and complaining had so I finally
Speaker 1: I made time. Once I made time, I tried to
Speaker 1: explain to him how the shooting schedule was, and he
Speaker 1: got upset because he thought I was trying to haze him.
Speaker 1: So I was like, dude, like I'm trying to give
Speaker 1: you you know what I'm saying. He's like, oh, if
Speaker 1: you're not prepared. Blah blah blah blah blah. I'm like, bro,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to explain to you where I'm at in
Speaker 1: this process. Dude slams the door, and before he slams
Speaker 1: the door, he goes see you on set, buddy.
Speaker 2: Yikes.
Speaker 4: So I'm like, all right, now, I'm a professional. Oh soo.
Speaker 1: This is a very stressful time. So I ain't had
Speaker 1: no time to even care or consider how upset he was.
Speaker 4: I didn't care. I just I had work to do.
Speaker 4: Two days go by, I do my scenes.
Speaker 1: Finally, one of the producers called me and said, Devill,
Speaker 1: I apologize for that. You know, he's not aware of
Speaker 1: the shootings here, said, don't worry about it.
Speaker 4: I got time.
Speaker 1: Now let's let's go rehearse. Me and him finally get
Speaker 1: a chance to break bread. I explained the process that
Speaker 1: we rehearse for about forty minutes.
Speaker 4: Now it's time to actually shoot the scene.
Speaker 1: When we get there, Tyler's sitting there, Deuce is there,
Speaker 1: everybody's ready.
Speaker 4: He calls action. We only get one take. We call action.
Speaker 4: He forgets every word that he was supposed to.
Speaker 2: Says, and it was your fault because.
Speaker 1: It wasn't my fault. I rehearsed with him the day
Speaker 1: before we sat down for thirty minutes. Now, the scene
Speaker 1: was only two pages. I was about to no, it
Speaker 1: was not a hefty scene.
Speaker 4: He was a guest star. He only had this two
Speaker 4: paid scene.
Speaker 1: I think he had seven lines seven lines in the
Speaker 1: two pages. But he was the one directing where the
Speaker 1: scene was going. So I couldn't even add lip to
Speaker 1: help him because there was something particular he was supposed
Speaker 1: to do in the scene, and he kept getting to
Speaker 1: that part and forgetting, forgetting, and ultimately he was replaced.
Speaker 3: I was about to say, because people about to be
Speaker 3: connecting thats over there.
Speaker 2: Y'all know you'll like to connect that.
Speaker 1: Y'all know people love to connect thats well, that's why
Speaker 1: I ain't saying what really all right? Right, because this
Speaker 1: has happened to multiple people on multiple seasons. But in
Speaker 1: any event, he was replaced. And when we get some
Speaker 1: time to come back, I'm going to break down why
Speaker 1: this story is so important to what we were talking about,
Speaker 1: especially towards the end of the year, because I want
Speaker 1: you guys to go into the top of twenty twenty
Speaker 1: four with a new insight of how you want to
Speaker 1: approach life.
Speaker 2: Love that. We'll be back all right.
Speaker 6: Karaoke time, karaoke time in the spirit of the time
Speaker 6: a year, my favorite.
Speaker 1: This is your favorite time time a year. So y'all
Speaker 1: do know that we pre record these shows. There's no
Speaker 1: secret there. But if you're watching right now, the reason
Speaker 1: why you don't see any Christmas stuff is because it's
Speaker 1: not Christmas time yet. But trust me, by the time
Speaker 1: this comes out, there will be Christmas trees everywhere around
Speaker 1: his house here.
Speaker 2: I cannot wait.
Speaker 3: Actually, in this moment, once I get through this recording
Speaker 3: session and we're like, you know, in a good space
Speaker 3: with all our family stuff, I am going to go
Speaker 3: off off.
Speaker 1: You gotta make the the house look like Christmas everywhere we.
Speaker 6: Go, where, every room, it's the most wonderful baby of
Speaker 6: the years.
Speaker 4: Sing your favorite? What's your favorite?
Speaker 2: Let us know?
Speaker 5: Go ahead, let it no, let it no, but the
Speaker 5: fire is please so baaby, let snoo.
Speaker 1: I just remixed you miss no. No, you know I
Speaker 1: don't miss no. Now, let me not say that I
Speaker 1: missed the light. Powdery snow was about easy to remove
Speaker 1: from your walkway with that frozen, dirty, nasty slushy snow
Speaker 1: that in New York after the third day of the blizzard.
Speaker 3: Do you miss digging out a parking spot, doing all
Speaker 3: the work to dig it out, get out the spot,
Speaker 3: to leave the spot, to have somebody else pulling that bitch?
Speaker 4: I don't miss that, bro at all. I don't miss
Speaker 4: it at all.
Speaker 3: All right, let's go pay some bills and we will
Speaker 3: be back and we'll get into the meat of the show.
Speaker 3: All right, we're back today. We're talking about not arriving
Speaker 3: before you get there. How do we avoid that? As
Speaker 3: I said in my SoundBite, nont a boy to act
Speaker 3: too previous previous meaning like, listen, slow down, You ain't
Speaker 3: there yet.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. You got some work to do.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: So, going back to your story about Homeboy, you think
Speaker 3: it was more so just in the moment. He probably
Speaker 3: just like cut nerves. Maybe he was prepared, but maybe
Speaker 3: got stage fright in that moment.
Speaker 1: No, this, I to be honest. I know he got
Speaker 1: stage fright. I know that happened. But that's also the point,
Speaker 1: right when I say don't arrive before you get there,
Speaker 1: or be prepared for what you've asked God for, it's
Speaker 1: to not skip the process of preparing yourself so that
Speaker 1: once you finally get the opportunity, you can deliver.
Speaker 4: You know, so many.
Speaker 1: People are excited about the end goal, right, they like
Speaker 1: they see something, they set goals, which setting goals is
Speaker 1: part of the process. But you can't ignore the process,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. For example, this book that
Speaker 1: I've been reading, it's called Atomic Habits, and it talks
Speaker 1: about how you have to get better one percent every day.
Speaker 1: Trying to achieve getting better one percent every day is
Speaker 1: way more sustainable than saying my goal is to get here,
Speaker 1: and once I get here, then I'm good. Because what
Speaker 1: happens is when you create habits. That's why it's called
Speaker 1: atomic habits. If you create habits that get you one
Speaker 1: percent better every day, once you reach your goal, it's
Speaker 1: easier to sustain because you've created a habit that you
Speaker 1: can live through. Right, It's like making a lifestyle change
Speaker 1: as opposed to doing a fad.
Speaker 2: Diet preparation because it's sustainable.
Speaker 1: And I feel like the young man at that time
Speaker 1: was taking a fad diet approach to how he was
Speaker 1: going to reach his goal. It's like, I want to
Speaker 1: get here, and I want to do my best performance.
Speaker 1: So it's like, dude, you didn't even read the room.
Speaker 4: See what the process is? And that's nothing I want
Speaker 4: to talk to people about.
Speaker 1: Is is also how you decide what you are going
Speaker 1: to do and take action.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 1: There's a book I read a long time ago which
Speaker 1: I started to re listen to again.
Speaker 4: It's called.
Speaker 1: Thinking like a Spy, right, Thinking like a Spy, and
Speaker 1: it has a breakdown of how you approach problems right.
Speaker 1: And it's the Dada method, right, which means you collect data,
Speaker 1: you then analyze the data, You then make a decision,
Speaker 1: and then you act.
Speaker 4: Dada right. So it's data analysis, decision action.
Speaker 1: But what happens is people don't realize that you can
Speaker 1: only apply this to a certain relationship. Relationships matter, right,
Speaker 1: And there are three types of relationships.
Speaker 4: Right. You have a zero some relationship.
Speaker 1: You have a positive some relationship in a negative some relationship,
Speaker 1: A zero some relationship is like this, there's one job opportunity.
Speaker 1: There's two people going for the one job opportunity. Somebody's
Speaker 1: gonna get it, somebody's not gonna get it. Our relationship
Speaker 1: here is zero sum, Like we can't gain anything from
Speaker 1: each other. Only one of us is going to gain
Speaker 1: access to you. That's one type of relationship. Then you
Speaker 1: have a positive some relationship, like what we have a marriage.
Speaker 1: We both have something to gain, so it's a positive
Speaker 1: some relationship. I give to you, you give to me.
Speaker 1: We hope no matter in marriage, yes. And then you
Speaker 1: have negative some relationships where ultimately you just hope you
Speaker 1: get the greater of the least thing. For example, war right,
Speaker 1: War is a negative some.
Speaker 4: Relationship, right, both sides really winning right.
Speaker 1: And what happens is once you realize you're losing more
Speaker 1: than someone else.
Speaker 4: That's what someone concedes.
Speaker 1: The first thing I want people to do is realize
Speaker 1: in relationships, what type of relationship is this.
Speaker 3: It's funny you mentioned that, because yeah, to just branch
Speaker 3: off onto relationships real quick, just something that I've learned
Speaker 3: because at this point I'm forty.
Speaker 2: My birthday is past.
Speaker 3: And one thing I was very deliberate about doing as
Speaker 3: I approach forty, because I think there's something about like
Speaker 3: milestone birthdays or like feeling like there's a new beginning
Speaker 3: a new decade that you want to do. Is it's
Speaker 3: almost like a cleansing that happens. It's an assessment of
Speaker 3: where you've been and what you've been doing, things that
Speaker 3: you've accomplished, things that you haven't. How you're going to
Speaker 3: now implement changes in your life and in your lifestyle
Speaker 3: to then achieve things that you want to achieve moving forward.
Speaker 3: And one thing I did with relationships is leave people
Speaker 3: where they are because I was very much the person
Speaker 3: that wanted to try to fix certain things and solve
Speaker 3: things and felt like if I said my piece then
Speaker 3: it would evoke change, and you know, trying to get
Speaker 3: people to see things from my lens.
Speaker 2: And I've realized that that wasn't working.
Speaker 3: And people don't owe me anything, right, I can say
Speaker 3: my piece, but no one owes me anything per se,
Speaker 3: regardless of the relationship. So I then decided I was
Speaker 3: just going to compartmentalize, you know, people, friends, family, people
Speaker 3: who I have to interact with, and just know that
Speaker 3: if I set up certain boundaries and parameters for understanding
Speaker 3: this is how this person is and I won't take
Speaker 3: offense to how they are, I can then move accordingly
Speaker 3: after my expectations are lower.
Speaker 4: So let me ask a question.
Speaker 1: Most of the relationships we have in our life are
Speaker 1: zero sum or positive some relationship right.
Speaker 4: Most of them?
Speaker 1: Of them, we would already rarely have a negative some relationship.
Speaker 1: Typically a negative some relationship would be like an enemy
Speaker 1: that you have, like if you have a neighbor that
Speaker 1: you hate, right, so most of my our relationships on
Speaker 1: that do you feel like you're putting people in categories
Speaker 1: of positive sum or zero s? And it's like, if
Speaker 1: you're in a zero some relationship, what value do you
Speaker 1: have to me to continue to maintain this relationship? You
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. When you look at a relationship,
Speaker 1: it's like is this been mutually beneficial for both of us?
Speaker 1: So how do you decide whether you put people in
Speaker 1: a zero sum or a positive sum mark in your book?
Speaker 2: You know when I really think about.
Speaker 4: It every time, every time.
Speaker 3: My nigga, I only left my notification because my chip,
Speaker 3: my mother is flying with my child.
Speaker 1: Because vibrate, because vibrate doesn't work right, because vibrate does vibrate.
Speaker 2: I can't find my vibrator. Do you know where it is?
Speaker 4: Why would I know where your vibrate is? Why would
Speaker 4: I eat?
Speaker 3: I thought it was in my side draw and I
Speaker 3: don't don't know where it is now?
Speaker 4: But no, can we can we unpack why I would
Speaker 4: know where it is, though, I.
Speaker 2: Don't know if it's like in the sheet somewhere mixed up.
Speaker 1: I don't know, no, But I did find chocolate in
Speaker 1: the sheets this morning.
Speaker 2: You sure did.
Speaker 3: I thought, let me see another story, right, let me
Speaker 3: tell another story.
Speaker 1: Yo yo yo, real talk right. Kay likes to eat
Speaker 1: chocolate after she smokes a little bit. So last night
Speaker 1: I was smoking my weed like I typically do, and
Speaker 1: k goes, baby, can you shotgun me?
Speaker 4: So I shotgunning? Right.
Speaker 1: Shotgunning is when you smoke the smoke into her mouth,
Speaker 1: because she doesn't want to pull from the bomb, So
Speaker 1: I shotgun her right. Within about thirty seconds.
Speaker 4: Kadeen is laid back on the couch.
Speaker 1: Super low right now, mind you, she's been on her
Speaker 1: I gotta get to forty five tip. So she's sitting
Speaker 1: there while we watched Succession, and then slowly she gets up.
Speaker 4: I say, Kay, where you going? She just says, I
Speaker 4: didn't know where she's going. Right.
Speaker 1: I hear rummaging in the pantry, like we have one
Speaker 1: hundred and forty pound mouse in the pantry. Then she
Speaker 1: comes out, right, She comes out with a bulge under
Speaker 1: her robe and a little bit of chocolate by her lip. Right,
Speaker 1: mind you, I don't make it hot because I'm like,
Speaker 1: first of all, I'm watching succession. Then I'm like, not
Speaker 1: gonna argue her about her eating chocolate at two in
Speaker 1: the morning. So I'm watching succession in like every like
Speaker 1: six minutes, all I hear is.
Speaker 4: And then I see her slide it in the side
Speaker 4: of her mouth.
Speaker 1: Like the thing is, she's right handed, but she was
Speaker 1: sitting on my left side. She was so high she
Speaker 1: didn't realize that she was using her right hand and
Speaker 1: had her face away from me, but putting it in
Speaker 1: the left side of her mouth, like I couldn't see it,
Speaker 1: Like I couldn't see it. Still didn't say nothing. Right,
Speaker 1: we go in the bedroom. Right, we go in the bedroom.
Speaker 1: Now when she get high, she turned to a different
Speaker 1: type of demon. Right, we had we had a great
Speaker 1: time last night. We had a great time. That's like,
Speaker 1: mind you, I was high too, okay, so the great
Speaker 1: time was was like it was felt. But then when
Speaker 1: you have those times, in those moments that you don't
Speaker 1: necessarily remember going.
Speaker 4: To sleep, like you do you know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: I don't remember going to sleep, but I remember waking
Speaker 1: up and I remember getting out of the bed and
Speaker 1: when I look back into bed, it was just brown streaks,
Speaker 1: brown streaks like in the ball, all on my side.
Speaker 1: How that happened? So, so here's the crazy part. At first,
Speaker 1: I panicked. So I go down to the sheet and
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't remember falling to sleep. Did I
Speaker 1: not remember going to the bathroom? So I'm like, I
Speaker 1: go to smell the sheets. It's chocolate.
Speaker 3: Yo, it's chocolate like through the She's all over the sheets.
Speaker 2: My gee, so ridiculous right now, y'all so ridiculous.
Speaker 4: And then she wake up. She I said, hey, look
Speaker 4: at this, right she wake up. She looked at me,
Speaker 4: she goes, what's that? I said, what do you think
Speaker 4: it is? So then I pick up one of the
Speaker 4: little chocolate balls that's there, because she'd be having the time.
Speaker 4: So then I said, look, I put in her face
Speaker 4: and go, man, I thought you already. Yeah, how did
Speaker 4: we get here? I don't know how we got here,
Speaker 4: but I will tell you.
Speaker 3: This the perfect example of a positive some relationships.
Speaker 4: Them sheets is messed up.
Speaker 2: They are, Yeah, she's messed up, but we're done here.
Speaker 4: You got to stop getting chocolates in the minute of
Speaker 4: the night. I just need to.
Speaker 3: Stop buying them so they're not even in the house
Speaker 3: because that's one of the things I'm allergic to.
Speaker 4: Y'all have messed up with chocolate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, any sheets. She's at like ten this time around, all.
Speaker 4: On my back. Pause. Man, I'm sliding in chocolate and night.
Speaker 4: I don't even realize. Man, let me get back to
Speaker 4: what was what was you talking about?
Speaker 3: I don't even know where this falls in the episode
Speaker 3: or this could be a whole outtaker.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but I just had to tell you
Speaker 1: this story because she was wild this morning.
Speaker 2: But yes, So back to the relationship.
Speaker 3: So, when I really think about breaking down relationships to me,
Speaker 3: a positive some relationship our relationship ships that I chose
Speaker 3: to engage in because I feel like they're beneficial for
Speaker 3: both parties.
Speaker 4: I e.
Speaker 2: Friendships. Okay, so like my close.
Speaker 3: Knit circle of friends who are all of maybe five people.
Speaker 2: Those are positive.
Speaker 3: Some of course, my husband goes without saying my children
Speaker 3: go without saying.
Speaker 2: Zero.
Speaker 4: Su was the other one, Yes, zero zero.
Speaker 2: Some relationships I feel like can potentially be.
Speaker 4: Family absolutely absolutely.
Speaker 3: Like just because we family don't mean that we got
Speaker 3: to a get along hang out like that I may
Speaker 3: not fuck with you like that, I may not agree
Speaker 3: with the things you do or say, but it's like
Speaker 3: we have some sort of relationship by blood.
Speaker 1: Because we have to be in the same space to
Speaker 1: be So the reason why I'm glad you said that
Speaker 1: is because when I look at zero some relationships, for me,
Speaker 1: I look at family, and I look at employers, employees, coworkers.
Speaker 4: Yes, right, if.
Speaker 1: We're not friends and you're just an employer or an
Speaker 1: employee or an associate, then we have a zero sum relationship, right,
Speaker 1: zero some relationship. And the reason why that's important is
Speaker 1: because of what we are talking about, Right, don't arrive
Speaker 1: before you get here.
Speaker 4: Also understanding when the moment is gonna come.
Speaker 1: It's also understanding who in your relationship group is going
Speaker 1: to help you with said goal. So a lot of
Speaker 1: times we put pressure on someone who has a zero
Speaker 1: sum relationship. Right, this is an associate, Right, this is
Speaker 1: a family member. We don't talk too often, but we
Speaker 1: know that that family member can get us to a
Speaker 1: certain place.
Speaker 4: It's not mutually beneficial, but I.
Speaker 1: Want something, So you know what we often do We
Speaker 1: pressure that person to put us in a position where
Speaker 1: we can be successful or call on him.
Speaker 4: But here's the crazy part.
Speaker 1: Since it's a zero sum relationship, that person gains nothing
Speaker 1: from telling you you're not prepared.
Speaker 4: That person a lot of times will.
Speaker 1: Say, go ahead, take the opportunity, and you know what happens,
Speaker 1: You fuck it up because you lost yourself and trying
Speaker 1: to get to the goal and not understand that there
Speaker 1: is a process to prepare yourself, or they.
Speaker 3: Don't want to put you on because you might fuck
Speaker 3: They name up in the process and they're just like,
Speaker 3: you know what, No, you can't do X y Z.
Speaker 3: So this is what has to happen, which is what
Speaker 3: I think happened a couple of times. I think to
Speaker 3: both you and I where people expected for us? I mean, granted,
Speaker 3: Deval and I feel like we're still doing the work,
Speaker 3: Like even though we have gotten to this point in life,
Speaker 3: we're still not where we want to be ultimately. However,
Speaker 3: from the outside looking in or for people who are
Speaker 3: just starting, they feel like, man, y'all are like where
Speaker 3: I want to be, So how did you get there?
Speaker 3: So they expect a sense of entitlement, particularly people who
Speaker 3: you know could be family. They expect for you to
Speaker 3: just place them in the positions. Absolutely where you are
Speaker 3: absolutely just because you're there already without having done the work,
Speaker 3: without having put in the hours, you know, without having
Speaker 3: done the research. What was it? DA DA DA.
Speaker 1: DA is data analysis, decision action. I'm going to get
Speaker 1: to that because when people get to when people get
Speaker 1: to the DADA and they really break it down to like, oh,
Speaker 1: I see why I have the issue of my life.
Speaker 3: People out here dadding just dad. They don't want an
Speaker 3: action part. They just want to They made some of
Speaker 3: the data, they made it the analysis, they decide what
Speaker 3: they want, but then they don't want to put the
Speaker 3: action to Can I.
Speaker 4: Tell you why?
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why. Let me let me finish
Speaker 1: out that thought. But I'm gonna tell you why. He'll
Speaker 1: tell you why. What I realized the young man did
Speaker 1: in that moment right arriving before he got there, he
Speaker 1: didn't realize that he and I relationship is a zero
Speaker 1: sum relationship. I gained nothing from you, I asked nothing
Speaker 1: from you. I need nothing from you, but you want
Speaker 1: something from me. Right, I'm trying my best. He didn't
Speaker 1: do any data or analysis before he decided to make
Speaker 1: a decision and act. He immediately went to the producers,
Speaker 1: not doing any data, not doing any analysis to see
Speaker 1: what the room was like. M never read the room,
Speaker 1: and he put himself in a situation where Okay, you
Speaker 1: wanted this so bad, now you got it, and the
Speaker 1: person that could have helped you navigate that you pretty
Speaker 1: much shit on me.
Speaker 4: You slammed my door, says you on set, buddy, and.
Speaker 1: A lot of And the reason why I use that
Speaker 1: as an example is because Bro, you arrived. Before you
Speaker 1: got there, you didn't do any of the necessary research.
Speaker 1: Now I'm gonna get to dada and why the last
Speaker 1: a is never done?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: Data to get data is to do what watch? Does
Speaker 1: it cost you anything to get data most of the time?
Speaker 4: No?
Speaker 2: No, it does take time, though.
Speaker 4: It takes time.
Speaker 1: But does it cost you anything tangibly no analysis to
Speaker 1: look at the data that you've already accrued? Right, Does
Speaker 1: it cost you anything to do that?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: Now you have to make a decision. I got all
Speaker 1: my data, I got my analysis. I have to make
Speaker 1: a decision based on the first two. This is what
Speaker 1: I'm going to do. Does it cost you anything to
Speaker 1: make a decision? No, But now you have to act
Speaker 1: on the decision you made, and you know what costs money. Action,
Speaker 1: Action costs money. Whenever you decide that you have to
Speaker 1: do something for your career, there is going to be
Speaker 1: a cost associated with action. Most times people get to
Speaker 1: the action and they do nothing. You know why because
Speaker 1: a lot of times they've arrived before they got there.
Speaker 1: You don't even have in place the ability to spend
Speaker 1: the money. And when I say money, i'm talking figuratively.
Speaker 1: You don't have the necessary tools to act on the
Speaker 1: decision you're about to make. And that's what happens when
Speaker 1: you arrive before you get there.
Speaker 4: If you sit down and you do the necessary data
Speaker 4: and you analyze.
Speaker 1: Once you make a decision, you have to first ask yourself,
Speaker 1: can I provide myself with the necessary steps to be
Speaker 1: successful in this action after the decision I made?
Speaker 4: And if the answer is no, that's not the.
Speaker 1: Decision for you. But a lot of times people don't
Speaker 1: do that. They move off of emotion, they make a decision,
Speaker 1: and now they're trying to perform an action without having
Speaker 1: the necessary tools to be successful in action, and they
Speaker 1: kill themselves figuratively speaking.
Speaker 2: I think to take it a step further, some people
Speaker 2: don't even do the DA part. They just desire.
Speaker 4: They just decide.
Speaker 3: They wake up and they just decide doing the due
Speaker 3: diligence and doing the work like pulling data and research
Speaker 3: and analysis sounds good, and some people may do that,
Speaker 3: but I think, especially now in this generation of and
Speaker 3: this this world of like instant gratification and microwave relationships
Speaker 3: and all that, people just decide like I want to
Speaker 3: do this, and they don't even do the data and
Speaker 3: analysis part, and then the action is questionable because they
Speaker 3: may put it into action without having a plan or
Speaker 3: the follow through isn't there, so they're not really actionable.
Speaker 4: So we're just.
Speaker 1: Moving moving no progress. We're just moving with no progress.
Speaker 2: Sorry, why you're smiling, You.
Speaker 1: Know I'm smiling because you're absolutely right. Remember the two
Speaker 1: books I talked about. Atomic habits is really how you
Speaker 1: can start creating that that foundation to always go da
Speaker 1: da atomic.
Speaker 4: You see what I'm saying.
Speaker 2: So I see how you're.
Speaker 3: By doing the habits and doing that little bit getting
Speaker 3: better every single day. You're training yourself to be in
Speaker 3: the position to then yes d A d.
Speaker 1: A yes Like da da can't be something you do
Speaker 1: once you get the opportunity, because since it's not a habit,
Speaker 1: you can't you can't really formulate an idea or a
Speaker 1: plan because you haven't practiced doing da da all.
Speaker 2: The time, and the consistency won't be there absolutely.
Speaker 1: And one thing I've learned about being successful is that
Speaker 1: if you lead with your moral compass, right, if you
Speaker 1: have ideals in place, and you let your ideals drive
Speaker 1: you towards your dream, when your dream or your opportunity comes,
Speaker 1: they're rooted in your ideals. But if you're constantly chasing
Speaker 1: your dreams or your goals without ideals in place, when
Speaker 1: you get an opportunity, you have no moral.
Speaker 4: No moral compass, or foundation to fall back on.
Speaker 1: So whatever that person wants you to do, you're willing
Speaker 1: to do it, and a lot of times that leads
Speaker 1: you down a wrong path.
Speaker 4: Let's let's use people.
Speaker 1: I like to use Hollywood for example, but let's use
Speaker 1: Hollywood Sports and Fortune five hundred companies.
Speaker 5: Right.
Speaker 1: If you're in Hollywood, are you willing to take that
Speaker 1: role that you know doesn't coincide with with your lifestyle?
Speaker 4: But this is the only opportunity to have you arrived.
Speaker 1: Before you got there, you haven't made a decision about
Speaker 1: who you are personally, But Now you have an opportunity,
Speaker 1: are you willing to just forfeit everything you believe to
Speaker 1: take that role?
Speaker 4: Now you're in a sport, right, You're in a sport.
Speaker 1: You have an opportunity here, But the only way you
Speaker 1: get this opportunity is to undercut someone else.
Speaker 4: On the team.
Speaker 1: Right, Oh, I can make this block or I cannot
Speaker 1: make this block and this person get hurt, and then
Speaker 1: I can get that opportunity. You see this all the
Speaker 1: time in sports. I played at the highest level and
Speaker 1: there was a point in camp where people stopped becoming
Speaker 1: friends and comrades to help each other win, and was
Speaker 1: only concerned about getting the spot.
Speaker 4: You see what I'm saying. And they were doing things.
Speaker 1: To sabotage other people in sport. So yeah, so that
Speaker 1: they can get jobs. It happens all the time people.
Speaker 1: You have upperclassmen in college, or you have veterans in
Speaker 1: the NFL who know the playbook, who are supposed to
Speaker 1: be mentoring you through the process. Because iron sharpens iron.
Speaker 1: If I mentor you to be better, but it helps
Speaker 1: me become better, the cream will always rise to the top.
Speaker 1: That's the thought process. That's what coaches say. You know,
Speaker 1: you bring in as many guys you can to compete
Speaker 1: for one spot, and the crews will ride to the
Speaker 1: cream will rise to the top because they'll help each other, right,
Speaker 1: it'll make the team better.
Speaker 4: But a lot of times that don't happen.
Speaker 1: People get an opportunity and now it's like, freak, I
Speaker 1: haven't prepared myself to be the cream to rise to
Speaker 1: the top, So let me sabotage fortune five hundred companies,
Speaker 1: same thing. What are you willing to do to get
Speaker 1: that job? Who are you willing to sleep with? Who
Speaker 1: are you willing to backstab?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 1: And when you see the opportunity is right in front
Speaker 1: of you, if you haven't done the work, if you
Speaker 1: haven't created the habits, now you're a little nervous when
Speaker 1: you get that opportunity. So you know what you're willing
Speaker 1: to do, sabotage anything around you to maintain what you
Speaker 1: think the goal is. But you know what happens when
Speaker 1: you reach the goal. Even if you sabotage some when
Speaker 1: they reach the goal, that moment is fleeting because now
Speaker 1: you got the goal, but now you got what you
Speaker 1: lost yourself, no substenance. And that's the whole point, the
Speaker 1: whole purpose of creating atomic habits or thinking quote unquote
Speaker 1: like a spy doing the data analysis.
Speaker 4: Decision and action is to.
Speaker 1: Put yourself in a position that when you make this
Speaker 1: decision to get to where you want to get to,
Speaker 1: you know what's rooted in substance, is rooted in who
Speaker 1: you want to be when you get there, and you
Speaker 1: can maintain it when you get there if you don't
Speaker 1: do those things and you arrive before you get there.
Speaker 1: That's how that fifteen minutes of fame becomes an actual thing.
Speaker 1: How many people who we've seen become great at something
Speaker 1: but then they disappear the one hit wonders, They make
Speaker 1: a mistake, they get in trouble with the law, they
Speaker 1: hit their wife, they steal something, and it's like this
Speaker 1: person had everything and now they have nothing.
Speaker 3: It's crazy because this is something that you're reading in
Speaker 3: a book right Clearly, it's to help us adults as
Speaker 3: we try to learn to fix, to grow, to be better.
Speaker 3: And you said something interesting this morning, having children and
Speaker 3: being parents. Yes, this then reiterates to us kind of
Speaker 3: what we already know and we're doing with our boys,
Speaker 3: and it's just creating habits at home day to day lifestyle.
Speaker 4: See it, do it?
Speaker 3: Like what they live is what they learn and what
Speaker 3: we hope that they'll implement as they grow into adults,
Speaker 3: because it's so much harder to correct things and to
Speaker 3: instill habits as an adults, because we as adults try to,
Speaker 3: Like I know, I talk myself out of shit all
Speaker 3: the time all the time.
Speaker 2: But it really gave me a different perspective.
Speaker 3: When we were talking about it this morning in the bathroom,
Speaker 3: you were like, this makes me understand why it's so
Speaker 3: important for us to have habits with the boys.
Speaker 2: You know, something as simple as making their bed.
Speaker 4: Yes, like every morning.
Speaker 3: You know Jackson, some mornings, if he's running late or
Speaker 3: if he's a little tired, I'll go up to this
Speaker 3: I'm like, did you make your bed? And what he
Speaker 3: hates to do is be at the door about to
Speaker 3: go through the door to school, and I'd be like,
Speaker 3: did you make your bed? No, all right, go back
Speaker 3: up stairs and make your bed. If you late, that's
Speaker 3: your problem, because you knew you were supposed to make
Speaker 3: your bed.
Speaker 2: I forgot. I saw a meme or something.
Speaker 1: That says there's another book that I'm about to read.
Speaker 1: The name of the book is called make your bed
Speaker 1: the things that can change your life and maybe the world.
Speaker 1: So it's funny you use that analogy because it's small
Speaker 1: things like that, yes, that people don't realize it. It
Speaker 1: becomes a habit.
Speaker 2: It's so simple.
Speaker 1: It's simple, and those small habits you can create will
Speaker 1: help you not to arrive before you get there, because
Speaker 1: if you think about that, don't arrive before you get there.
Speaker 4: Arriving is a mental space. I've arrived, but.
Speaker 3: You have.
Speaker 4: Exactly no, seriously, seriously, something is Oh.
Speaker 1: My gosh, I forgot the name of the philosopher who
Speaker 1: said it. But most people have an idea of who
Speaker 1: they want to be. They have an idea of who
Speaker 1: they want to be, and in their mind, most people
Speaker 1: have created that idea of who they are, and they
Speaker 1: feel like they are that person. But most people don't
Speaker 1: put in the work to be the person that they
Speaker 1: think they are. And you know what happens to those people.
Speaker 1: They get disappointed because they expect everyone else to see
Speaker 1: them as the person they think they are, but they
Speaker 1: still haven't put in the work to become that person.
Speaker 2: Fraud. Yes, people can see through that. They totally can
Speaker 2: see through that.
Speaker 3: So it's funny that you mentioned habits and all that,
Speaker 3: because I saw this the other day and I sent
Speaker 3: it to Jackson's like a screenshot, And of course I'm
Speaker 3: sure when he received the text message, he probably rolled
Speaker 3: his eyes, like, okay, mom, but listen, we're trying to
Speaker 3: raise good, rounded humans, it says. Studies said is making
Speaker 3: your bed makes you two hundred and six percent more
Speaker 3: likely to become a millionaire.
Speaker 2: Socio Economist.
Speaker 3: Randall Bell studied the habits of highly successful successful people
Speaker 3: and discovered that making your bed each morning can increase
Speaker 3: your chances of becoming a millionaire. He explains that habits
Speaker 3: formed right our lives and it's what makes everything up.
Speaker 3: Also found that rich people tend to read thirty minutes
Speaker 3: a day and wake up three hours before their workday
Speaker 3: officially begins. He states that making your bed quote unquote
Speaker 3: puts your mind into a productive state of mind first
Speaker 3: thing in the morning, making it a positive habit to attain.
Speaker 1: That's why Jackson roll his ours. Yeah, but you're absolutely right.
Speaker 1: But you're right, and I'm just like, it's just creating
Speaker 1: a habit.
Speaker 2: It's a habit to make it, get out of the bed,
Speaker 2: make it. Used to make my bus.
Speaker 4: It's funny you say that, what do I do first
Speaker 4: thing when I get out of bed? Go work out? After? Yeah,
Speaker 4: you do, You're right, I'll go work out.
Speaker 1: That's that's becomes your habit.
Speaker 4: That's my habit.
Speaker 1: Like I've adopted that over the past four months when
Speaker 1: we decided to get in better shape. Yes, and I've
Speaker 1: noticed I don't even have to work out as long
Speaker 1: as I used to. I work out thirty five to
Speaker 1: forty minutes, sometimes a little bit longer. But my body
Speaker 1: looks way better than it did a couple of years
Speaker 1: ago because that thirty five to forty minutes every single
Speaker 1: day has become my habit. And in the toping Habits,
Speaker 1: they explain that even a molecule, when you attach to
Speaker 1: another molecule, it just starts to grow. Like atoms, they
Speaker 1: grow exponentially. It's just like the days, right, one percent
Speaker 1: better every day, that one percent over time. Wow, over
Speaker 1: the course of a year, you've gotten three hundred and
Speaker 1: sixty five percent better than what you were when you
Speaker 1: started in the year.
Speaker 4: That's a lot of accomplishment that you don't see daily.
Speaker 3: And when you fall off track, what do you feel
Speaker 3: you feel lost? Yes, you feel like, damn, I'm you know,
Speaker 3: not myself. I don't feel right, you know. These past
Speaker 3: couple of days, I've been dealing with a lot, just
Speaker 3: family wise, and I feel like that already has thrown me.
Speaker 2: It threw me off.
Speaker 3: My mental state has been in shambles, and I'm like, damn,
Speaker 3: I just I can't get my footing again. And I
Speaker 3: realized too in that too, I haven't worked out for
Speaker 3: like the past three days, you know. So between that
Speaker 3: and not working out, I'm like, I'm off of a
Speaker 3: routine that I had set and I've had in place
Speaker 3: all summer. And that's why I probably feel like shit. Absolutely,
Speaker 3: I've fallen off the bandwagon a little bit. But I'm
Speaker 3: getting back on now, getting it toge, I'm getting it together.
Speaker 3: By the time you listen to this, I'm gonna be
Speaker 3: holly jolly and promise you that.
Speaker 1: Trouble, Yes, put in some you know, trouble always comes
Speaker 1: with the facts and stats. She sure does, But she
Speaker 1: put in a fixed in growth mindset. Already have my
Speaker 1: moment of truth too, So okay. But the idea of
Speaker 1: and growth mindsets was developed by psychologists Carol Dweck. People
Speaker 1: with a fixed mindset believe that their intelligence, creativity, and
Speaker 1: moral character are static and cannot be changed. They believe
Speaker 1: that whatever success they have is due to their inherent
Speaker 1: intelligence or ability. People with a fixed mindset will have
Speaker 1: avoid failure at all costs to look good in front
Speaker 1: of others.
Speaker 4: Remember when I talked.
Speaker 1: About some of those athletes who, to avoid failure, will
Speaker 1: sabotage other people in order to look good in front
Speaker 1: of others. But that doesn't help you become successful. That's
Speaker 1: a perfect example. People with a growth mindset believe that
Speaker 1: they can change and grow. They see failure as an
Speaker 1: opportunity to learn and try something new. If you listen
Speaker 1: to Kobe Bryant, right, God rest his soul. He's been
Speaker 1: saying for a long time, and no one's really been listening.
Speaker 1: They didn't really start to pay attention until he passed away.
Speaker 1: Was that there was like, Kobe, do you love winning
Speaker 1: more than you hate losing? And he said, I don't
Speaker 1: think about winning and losing. And they were like, what
Speaker 1: do you mean. You're a five time champion. You cared
Speaker 1: a lot about winning? He said, no, I cared about
Speaker 1: the process of getting better. If I continue to get better,
Speaker 1: I will win but if I only focus on winning
Speaker 1: and then I lose, then what does that mean? Does
Speaker 1: that mean all of the work that I put in
Speaker 1: counted for nothing? No, if I lost, there's a lesson
Speaker 1: in that. So I look at the losses and say
Speaker 1: why did I lose? That's an opportunity to get better.
Speaker 1: So he never goes into any game thinking what if
Speaker 1: I win or what if I lose? Because if you
Speaker 1: think about it as well, if you go into a
Speaker 1: game thinking about winning and losing, it creates an anxiety
Speaker 1: sure that if you lost, you failed, as opposed to saying, well,
Speaker 1: if I lost, I can learn something from this loss.
Speaker 1: So now the game isn't as big to you because
Speaker 1: there's not as much a stake because you're not worried
Speaker 1: about the wins and the losses.
Speaker 4: You're worried about what you can learn regardless.
Speaker 2: Of whether you win or lose soroduct.
Speaker 4: Yes, but that's a growth mindset, right.
Speaker 1: That mindset is not stuck in the static idea that
Speaker 1: you either win and you're a champion or you lose
Speaker 1: and you suck.
Speaker 4: No, it's what can I learn from either one? That's
Speaker 4: a growth mindset.
Speaker 1: Someone who's always thinking about growing is not thinking so linearly.
Speaker 1: You know, they're thinking like, well, well there's a way
Speaker 1: I can learn, or there's a way I can adapt,
Speaker 1: you know, and also knowing that this isn't the end
Speaker 1: and a loss.
Speaker 3: It's interesting when I look at the fixed mindset, because
Speaker 3: it's some people believe in their inherent people tell intelligence
Speaker 3: and ability. There's some people, and I'll use you as
Speaker 3: an example because you're the closest to me, but you're
Speaker 3: also someone who I've never witnessed having the kind of
Speaker 3: work ethic and ambition and drive just naturally that you have.
Speaker 3: And that's where I struggle sometimes too. So where I
Speaker 3: may have the intelligence or the ability, I struggle with
Speaker 3: the consistency and the work ethic part of it.
Speaker 2: So what do you think is something that people lack?
Speaker 2: Is it just something innate that people lack?
Speaker 3: Because you say sometimes you can't understand why, for example,
Speaker 3: someone sees a goal, want something and won't put the
Speaker 3: steps in action to do it, or won't put the
Speaker 3: work in action in you know what I'm I trying
Speaker 3: to say, won't put the work in to achieve this goal.
Speaker 3: What do you think is missing between someone like you
Speaker 3: and someone like me?
Speaker 4: Wow, that's a that's a deep question. This is what
Speaker 4: I will say. I will mindsets are completely different.
Speaker 1: Right. You have in innate ability to be present in
Speaker 1: the moment all the time, and you can realize when
Speaker 1: it's like we should enjoy this moment. That's a positive.
Speaker 1: A lot of times I miss moments because I'm always
Speaker 1: thinking ahead. Let me ask you a questions to riddle
Speaker 1: what's always about to come?
Speaker 4: But never arrives?
Speaker 2: What's always about to come? It never arrives. My mind
Speaker 2: went dirty real quick.
Speaker 4: No, I don't know what tomorrow. It's always about to
Speaker 4: come and never arrives to me. And this is my mindset.
Speaker 1: Success is tomorrow, right, I'm always working towards it, but
Speaker 1: it never gets here, which means I'll never arrive before
Speaker 1: I get there because in my mind, I've never gotten there.
Speaker 1: I'm always working to get there. And the way I
Speaker 1: view it is that there's no level of success that
Speaker 1: I can achieve. It's going to make me settle, you know,
Speaker 1: like there's no there's no. I don't care if I
Speaker 1: win an Oscar. I don't care if I win a
Speaker 1: Super Bowl. I don't care if I am which is yes,
Speaker 1: because just just as in life, success tomorrow never really
Speaker 1: ever comes. It's just always tomorrow, so you always have
Speaker 1: something to work towards. And a lot of times it
Speaker 1: does leave me feeling like, so my life is going
Speaker 1: to just be compiled of work. But that's why I
Speaker 1: have a partner who can say, slow down, taking this
Speaker 1: moment right now, Just taking this moment right now. You know,
Speaker 1: there has to be a balance. This one thing we're
Speaker 1: talking about is only one aspect of life. It is
Speaker 1: not the be all and end all that comes to life.
Speaker 1: This is one aspect and I'm just talking about reaching
Speaker 1: a level of success you can be proud of. But
Speaker 1: there's also something said about having the balance to sit
Speaker 1: in that and be aware of where you are and
Speaker 1: be grateful, you know what I'm saying. And every mindset
Speaker 1: doesn't come Every mindset comes with a pro in the
Speaker 1: con right that I would say that to My con
Speaker 1: is that I never feel satisfied, so I never rejoice
Speaker 1: in a success.
Speaker 4: I'm always worried about when what tomorrow is going to bring.
Speaker 4: But you help me, you know see that?
Speaker 1: Yeah, So with that mindset comes a lot You look
Speaker 1: at like Kobe, They say Kobe was restless, right, Kobe's wrestling.
Speaker 1: He's always working on something, and then he was done
Speaker 1: with basketball. He was trying to win the Oscar and
Speaker 1: ended up winning an Oscar, right, And it's just like, well,
Speaker 1: I'm not just a basketball player, I'm a creator.
Speaker 3: Right, you know, Like, yeah, you're right that that actually
Speaker 3: is so you and I guess that's why we work
Speaker 3: well together too in that circumstance, right absolutely, because I'm
Speaker 3: always I'm literally just like, y'all feel good right now?
Speaker 2: Let me sit in this for the moment, enjoy this.
Speaker 3: I mean, when you booked your your role and sisters
Speaker 3: and then you got your spin off, it was almost
Speaker 3: like a all right, well what's next? Like okay, so
Speaker 3: how do I get you know, my own film and
Speaker 3: how do I? And I was like, do you understand
Speaker 3: that you're on two shows number one shows on bt
Speaker 3: BRO And.
Speaker 4: I appreciate you for pointing that out.
Speaker 3: I do, I do, But I say, You're also like Kadeen,
Speaker 3: you say you want to do this, yeah, but are
Speaker 3: you putting in the action in place to do that?
Speaker 3: Are you getting in the gym? Are you making calls?
Speaker 3: Are you doing the content? And then it's like okay,
Speaker 3: accountability partner.
Speaker 4: You see.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you're my accountability partner to make sure that I
Speaker 1: settle and stay aware in these moments and celebrate them,
Speaker 1: but also be thankful. Be thankful to God, be thankful
Speaker 1: to the universe, be thankful to all the people around
Speaker 1: me who have helped me, because you can't do any
Speaker 1: of this by yourself. And a lot of times and
Speaker 1: you have that mindset that you don't want to arrive
Speaker 1: before you get there, you're always working.
Speaker 4: You forget to thank the people that helped you get there. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and that's not fair.
Speaker 1: And people working at thankless jobs after a while, they're
Speaker 1: not going to want to work there because it goes
Speaker 1: back to what we talked about. If this is a
Speaker 1: zero sum relationship with all he wants to do is
Speaker 1: gain access to more things and doesn't nurture the relationships
Speaker 1: that exist in helping him gain those things, he's going
Speaker 1: to lose those relationships. And when he loses those relationships,
Speaker 1: he'll lose access to gaining those things.
Speaker 4: So there's a balance. There's always a balance, all right.
Speaker 3: I love that, all right, y'all. So we are about
Speaker 3: to get into some ads. Take a quick break, pull
Speaker 3: up some listener letters. See what y'all talk about this week?
Speaker 3: All right, we'll be back.
Speaker 2: All right, we're back. Let's dive right into the first
Speaker 2: listener letter. Hey Gnatinian Devell.
Speaker 3: I've been following and listening since I stumble on your
Speaker 3: YouTube page almost four years ago.
Speaker 2: I'm a big gage.
Speaker 4: Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 3: This time i'm writing in Oh this is my first
Speaker 3: time writing in because I really don't know how to
Speaker 3: handle this current situation. I've found myself in My husband
Speaker 3: and I have been married for almost four years now.
Speaker 3: We had our first baby two years ago. We're helping
Speaker 3: raise my godchild. It was a lot of change, very fast.
Speaker 3: Ever since we met five years ago, we've both struggled
Speaker 3: with figuring out our career paths. I was a chef,
Speaker 3: but I knew it couldn't work in the kitchen and
Speaker 3: have a family the way I wanted. I struggled with
Speaker 3: completing my master's degree because life be life in But
Speaker 3: by the grace of God, I have finally found my
Speaker 3: career path. I'm a culinary teacher. For my husband, it
Speaker 3: has also been a struggle. Like de Val, his dream
Speaker 3: was football, but unfortunately it didn't work out. Since leaving
Speaker 3: his hometown and relocating for our relationship. He hasn't been
Speaker 3: able to find the right career for him. We would
Speaker 3: both love for him to have a career where he
Speaker 3: can have a healthy work life balance so we can
Speaker 3: grow our family, and where he doesn't always dread going
Speaker 3: to work. So my question is mostly for Kadeen. How
Speaker 3: did you support, motivate, influence de Val when he was
Speaker 3: on the road to discovering his career. I always knew
Speaker 3: whatever I ended up doing for my career would be
Speaker 3: related to cooking, But for him, it's not so clear.
Speaker 3: I don't know how to help. Thanks for reading. Much
Speaker 3: love from Texas. It's funny, she says questions for me,
Speaker 3: but I think it's also for you because you've been
Speaker 3: in that position. The good thing about Deval, which is
Speaker 3: almost spiraling right from what we spoke about, was Deval
Speaker 3: has literally always been self motivated, ambitious, work ethic like
Speaker 3: on other relentless, unyielding. Whatever it is that he wants
Speaker 3: to do, he puts his mind to it, he puts
Speaker 3: in the action. He does the Dada process pretty much
Speaker 3: topped with atomic habits and all that.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: So it's been good to watch that but anything that
Speaker 3: he's done, no matter how outlandish. In the moment that
Speaker 3: idea was, I'm like, babe's whatever you want to do,
Speaker 3: how we're going to do it?
Speaker 2: What do you need me for?
Speaker 3: So I think just being enthusiastic about his spirit of
Speaker 3: wanting to do something with something that helps both of
Speaker 3: us because it helped you feel supported in those moments,
Speaker 3: and it was like your dream became my dream the
Speaker 3: same way my dreams became yours. The difference I think
Speaker 3: here with your husband in Deval is that Devao's livelihood
Speaker 3: was not wrapped up in football, football some means to
Speaker 3: an end.
Speaker 1: That was.
Speaker 4: Difference.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so Deval always wanted to be an actor.
Speaker 3: Remember if you read the book or if you heard
Speaker 3: the story, we were on the bed first date, what
Speaker 3: do you want to do?
Speaker 2: I want to do that?
Speaker 3: What's that Martin's on TV? I want to be an actor.
Speaker 3: So he knew that that's what he wanted to do.
Speaker 3: So football once it was over, it was almost like,
Speaker 3: all right, finally I'm done. I got my little nest egg.
Speaker 3: Now I can really just put the pedal to the
Speaker 3: metal to become an actor. So for me to answer
Speaker 3: your question, it was just relentless, unyielding support of whatever
Speaker 3: it was that he wanted to do, and really giving
Speaker 3: him the space and the grace to do that and
Speaker 3: to learn, because I do. We're building businesses. Some thing's worked,
Speaker 3: something's failed. But one thing you never did was squander
Speaker 3: away money or make me feel like like everything was
Speaker 3: in vain, Like everything had a purpose.
Speaker 2: It was deliberate.
Speaker 3: You did the data, you do the analysis, you decided,
Speaker 3: and then the action, like literally the walking talking.
Speaker 4: That was it. Dad, Yes, I'm your daddy. He always.
Speaker 2: Chime in.
Speaker 1: I'll say this though, him creating habits for me, creating
Speaker 1: habits and doing things a certain way allowed me the
Speaker 1: space to be creative because once a movement or an
Speaker 1: action becomes a habit, you don't have to think about
Speaker 1: it anymore. And once you create positive habits that create
Speaker 1: positive influences in your life, you no longer have to
Speaker 1: think about doing those things, which frees your mind. Right,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna wake up, I'm gonna workout, I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: my bed, I'm gonna eat probably, I'm going to be
Speaker 1: on time for meetings. I'm like simple small habits that
Speaker 1: just become second nature. Now it's like well, I've done
Speaker 1: all of that. I have some freedom to think about
Speaker 1: how I want to curate my life. This is the
Speaker 1: hardest part, I think for a lot of men. The
Speaker 1: reason why I'm saying men is because she's asking. As
Speaker 1: a wife, a lot of times we feel put in
Speaker 1: a box. Right, I want to live a certain way,
Speaker 1: but I also want to be able to be a
Speaker 1: spouse to my wife and also be a great dad
Speaker 1: to my kids, and a lot of times be like dang,
Speaker 1: I can't do all of it.
Speaker 4: One has to suffer. No, you can curate the life
Speaker 4: you want.
Speaker 1: This idea that even even with her saying I knew
Speaker 1: I couldn't be a chef in the kitchen and be
Speaker 1: the mom I wanted to be, Why couldn't you? Like?
Speaker 1: What really is telling us that we can't? That's all
Speaker 1: social conditioning us saying to ourselves we can't.
Speaker 4: Every day.
Speaker 1: If you sell yourself I can't, I can't, I can't,
Speaker 1: You're gonna start.
Speaker 4: Believing that you can't. Confucius said it. Those who say
Speaker 4: they can and those who say they can't are both
Speaker 4: usually right.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: So if you tell yourself every day, that becomes an
Speaker 1: atomic habit. I can't be in a kitchen and do this.
Speaker 1: I can't be in the kitchen and do that. You
Speaker 1: believe it, then that becomes your reality. I say, do
Speaker 1: the opposite, Tell him I can do this.
Speaker 4: You can do this. We can do it together, and
Speaker 4: work every day relentlessly until you can.
Speaker 1: Kadeen and I, when I retired from the NFL and
Speaker 1: she started working at MAC, were relentless about being able
Speaker 1: to work from home. Yes, so that we can be parents,
Speaker 1: but also love on each other and make the type
Speaker 1: of money that we can live freely in the world.
Speaker 2: Autonomy over time.
Speaker 1: Thank you, babe. Autonomy over time. So what we did
Speaker 1: was we created a life that works for both of us. Now,
Speaker 1: certain parts of that life required certain sacrifices.
Speaker 2: Say the sacrifice is nice that you can't skip that step.
Speaker 4: You can't.
Speaker 1: The start was me sacrificing my body and my time
Speaker 1: to play football. I made a large amount of money
Speaker 1: in a short time so that I could stay at
Speaker 1: home while Kadeen started to build her business. Once I retired,
Speaker 1: Kadean started to work in Matt Cosmetics. She had to
Speaker 1: devote eighteen months of her life to being an employee
Speaker 1: and working in retail, and that was a sacrifice she
Speaker 1: made for eighteen months. I at the time was a
Speaker 1: stay at home dad who took multiple jobs throughout the
Speaker 1: day in order to help supplement whatever bills needed to
Speaker 1: be paid. After eighteen months, Kadeen was able to chill
Speaker 1: because now I had a full time job and I
Speaker 1: was a SAG member so we had insurance.
Speaker 4: So now it was my turn to work full time
Speaker 4: job doing Cadeen was stay.
Speaker 1: At home, and we balanced that back and forth until
Speaker 1: we reached where we are now.
Speaker 4: But that was a twelve year process. Yeah, with eight
Speaker 4: years of planning before that in college.
Speaker 2: Uh huh.
Speaker 1: So the fact of the matter is is the life
Speaker 1: that you want to create, you can create. But expecting
Speaker 1: it to happen in two months or two years, it's wild.
Speaker 1: It's crazy. Give yourself a ten year plan. Say I
Speaker 1: want to be here in fifteen years, say in twenty
Speaker 1: years out, this is where I want to be, and
Speaker 1: work every day relentlessly to get there.
Speaker 4: That's it.
Speaker 2: You can't cheat the process.
Speaker 3: You can't and even devour with the unyielding work ethic
Speaker 3: and everything that I've said you had when it comes
Speaker 3: to the acting industry, even yeah, he's just like man
Speaker 3: there's some things that I just feel like I should
Speaker 3: be doing now that I'm not doing. I'm like, babe,
Speaker 3: because it's not in your control, I said, because it's
Speaker 3: also not a part of the process.
Speaker 4: Yep.
Speaker 3: No one just like wakes up the next day after
Speaker 3: doing a couple of show and they just are going
Speaker 3: to be the Denzel Washington's of the world.
Speaker 2: You know, here's a process.
Speaker 3: You know. One thing that we stray away from adulthood
Speaker 3: that worked as children and that we crave as children,
Speaker 3: that if we implement as adults and continue to have,
Speaker 3: we can probably be more successful with habits is structure. Yeah,
Speaker 3: structure and discipline. You always say children work better when
Speaker 3: they have structure and discipline. Structure and discipline, they have
Speaker 3: a schedule, they and usually want to be betern eighteen.
Speaker 3: You go to college and then you just have some freedom.
Speaker 3: You just kind of just because the structure for for
Speaker 3: you or no one's there to implement it. Just go
Speaker 3: back to the days of structure, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3: I agree, implement them on your own. So good luck
Speaker 3: to you and your husband. Keep fighting the good fights.
Speaker 3: Love that for y'all.
Speaker 4: Number two, Hey, y'all, My name is Alexis. I love y'all.
Speaker 1: Let me start with that we love you too. I
Speaker 1: had a couple questions for you guys for Jacks. How
Speaker 1: do you guys teach him about his money? And do
Speaker 1: you guys implement certain things for him as far as
Speaker 1: for how he spends his money? I asked because he
Speaker 1: is the oldest, so I assume you guys can explain
Speaker 1: and teach him a little more at the age in Cairo,
Speaker 1: Kazen Koda fourteen and eleven year old. So I'm curious
Speaker 1: to know some things you all think can be useful
Speaker 1: when helping and show them about spending money and be
Speaker 1: financially independent responsible.
Speaker 4: This is easy.
Speaker 1: This is something that we've done. I think we started
Speaker 1: two years ago when we first moved here. Jackson was ten.
Speaker 1: I got him a bank account, got him a bank account,
Speaker 1: and I told him that he is no longer going
Speaker 1: to just ask me and Kadeem for money. I told him, Jackson,
Speaker 1: you can get whatever you want in life as long
Speaker 1: as you can afford it, because that's how life works.
Speaker 1: But you have to earn income, right, So how we
Speaker 1: decided how he was going to earn income was by
Speaker 1: doing things that will earn him income as an adult. So,
Speaker 1: for example, I don't believe in paying for chores. Okay,
Speaker 1: you make up your bed, You're not gonna get paid.
Speaker 4: For that as an adult.
Speaker 1: You clean your room, you clean up the kitchen, you're
Speaker 1: not gonna get paid for that as an adult. Those
Speaker 1: are things that you have to learn how to do
Speaker 1: to be a fully functioning adult. But you go to
Speaker 1: basketball practice, you go to coding class, you take a
Speaker 1: chess class, you have tutoring with Roger. These are things
Speaker 1: that can help you to be a more productive human
Speaker 1: in society. So the more things you do to be
Speaker 1: more productive, I'll pay you for. The more successful you
Speaker 1: get you become at these things, I'll pay you more money.
Speaker 1: So the way Kadeen, I mean, the way Jackson and
Speaker 1: I started was he gets one hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 4: One hundred dollars a month.
Speaker 1: It INDs in allowance because he does basketball, coding, football,
Speaker 1: Roger and I think at the time it was debate.
Speaker 1: So what I told him is he gets twenty dollars
Speaker 1: per activity. Right, he has incentives if he does well
Speaker 1: at those activities. For example, he wins a debate competition,
Speaker 1: wins a football game, has over one hundred yards, does
Speaker 1: well in math because he's practicing with Roger, I will
Speaker 1: up his money from Okay, rather than getting twenty dollars
Speaker 1: a month for this, now you get forty dollars a
Speaker 1: month because you're being successful.
Speaker 2: Bonus. And I taking five dollars from him every time
Speaker 2: he leaves his shoes in the mudroom.
Speaker 1: So just like you get rewarded, there are also consequences
Speaker 1: for not doing things. So what's happened is he learned
Speaker 1: the value of money because now he doesn't ask me
Speaker 1: for anything. We just get packages to the house. That's
Speaker 1: say Jackson Ellis and I'm just like, yo, well how'd
Speaker 1: you buy this? And he's like, I saved my money.
Speaker 3: And it's so sweet. He gets stuff for his brothers. Yes,
Speaker 3: it's the sweetest thing. He got Cairo paraclets.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 3: They put a little posted on it before he went
Speaker 3: to bed and he was just like to Cairo from
Speaker 3: Bro And it's just super cute. And anytime they leave
Speaker 3: each other little love notes, I keep them in having
Speaker 3: memory boxes for all of them, so I've just been
Speaker 3: putting little stuff in there so they can look back
Speaker 3: on it when they're older.
Speaker 1: But it's ultimately just giving them the leeway and the
Speaker 1: financial responsibility can waiver depending on how much money you make.
Speaker 1: But for me, it was just a way for him
Speaker 1: to start to understand how money works, the value of it,
Speaker 1: how you earn it, how you can lose it, how
Speaker 1: it should be spent. And he also has a saving component.
Speaker 1: So what he doesn't realize is in is we have
Speaker 1: the Chase. I think it's the Chase First app or
Speaker 1: the it's like a student, I'm gonna tell you right
Speaker 1: now exactly what it is. I'm pulling up on my
Speaker 1: phone so that, yeah, I can tell you exactly what
Speaker 1: it is. But ultimately, in this this app, it's the
Speaker 1: first first Banking, Chase First Banking. But in the Chase
Speaker 1: First Banking, he also has an Auto saved components, right,
Speaker 1: And in the Auto Saved components, a certain amount of
Speaker 1: money he makes every month goes to his auto save.
Speaker 1: So what I tell him is we have to do
Speaker 1: that as adults, because I have to make sure that
Speaker 1: we take care of our wealth management. If something happens
Speaker 1: to Dad or Mom, I have to make sure you
Speaker 1: guys are okay. So even though I may make one
Speaker 1: hundred dollars a month. I don't put one hundred dollars
Speaker 1: a month in my checking account. I put fifty dollars
Speaker 1: into my savings automatically, and the other fifty goes into
Speaker 1: my account to decide what I'm going to do. So
Speaker 1: Jackson's like, oh, so in this chase, first app he
Speaker 1: sees his available balance, but then he also sees how
Speaker 1: much money he has, and he's like, then there's a difference.
Speaker 4: I said, have you checked your savings department? And he's
Speaker 4: just like, oh, I see.
Speaker 1: So it's pretty much teaching him these things from young,
Speaker 1: creating the habits to go to his account every day,
Speaker 1: see if there's any fraud on your account, see if
Speaker 1: you don't recognize any charges, and it's become a habit
Speaker 1: for him. Everyday morning he wakes up, checks his account,
Speaker 1: and if the first comes and he doesn't get his
Speaker 1: pay from Dad, I'll get a text. He be like, yo, Dad,
Speaker 1: you didn't pay me today. So it's teaching him and
Speaker 1: reminding him that money does matter. Living in a capitalist society,
Speaker 1: you know, so you can't just ignore it and say
Speaker 1: things like money won't bring you happiness, No it won't,
Speaker 1: but money will make you live.
Speaker 4: It'll give you a type of lifestyle.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he's also a bargain shopper. Shout out to mom
Speaker 3: for making sure that he's out there looking for sales,
Speaker 3: looking for deals. I've seen him be on the phone,
Speaker 3: were like this that. Yeah, gain't that there, or oh
Speaker 3: I could try to science. See they have it cheaper. So,
Speaker 3: you know, just little things, little things that you teach
Speaker 3: him from now so they understand the value of money, because.
Speaker 2: It sure as hell don't grow own trees. No, it
Speaker 2: does not show is hell don't grow on trees.
Speaker 3: All right, y'all, If you want to be featured as
Speaker 3: a listener letter, email us at deadass Advice at gmail
Speaker 3: dot com.
Speaker 2: Keep them rolling in.
Speaker 3: I know it's the end of the year, baby, but listen,
Speaker 3: a new year's approaching. We're gonna have new episode that
Speaker 3: we're filming soon. Yes, so we want to hear from y'all.
Speaker 3: Be sure to write in to We're babe.
Speaker 4: D E A D A S S A D V
Speaker 4: I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 3: All right, moment of truth time today, we're talking. Don't
Speaker 3: arrive before you get there. Nobody be too previous. Yeah,
Speaker 3: feel the work, honoring the process of growth. You said
Speaker 3: you had your moment moment out, Okay, go for it.
Speaker 1: And it kind of you kind of stumbled into it
Speaker 1: when you ask me that last question. But remember this
Speaker 1: right what is always nearby.
Speaker 4: But never arrives tomorrow tomorrow.
Speaker 1: If you treat your success like that, you will always
Speaker 1: be prepared and you will never arrive before you get there.
Speaker 2: You'll always be doing the work, always doing.
Speaker 1: Just always be in love with the process so that
Speaker 1: when you get the opportunity, you don't choke it away.
Speaker 4: Seriously, That's that's really what my message is. It's the
Speaker 4: end of the year.
Speaker 1: I want people to go into twenty twenty four or saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, I have three hundred and sixty five
Speaker 1: days next year.
Speaker 4: They get one percent better every day, and I'm not
Speaker 4: going to squander it. Not.
Speaker 3: I love that I actually have an actionable moment of truth.
Speaker 3: I want to implore everyone because I'm probably gonna do
Speaker 3: the same thing too. Think of a habit that you
Speaker 3: can start, something that you can do every day. It
Speaker 3: can be health related, it can be you know, come
Speaker 3: in fitness routine. It could be something towards a business idea,
Speaker 3: towards your career, towards your investment and education. Just think
Speaker 3: of something that you can do that you can dedicate.
Speaker 3: Was it eighteen minutes a day to twenty minutes? Round
Speaker 3: it to twenty twenty minutes a day. Get on the
Speaker 3: treadmill and walk for twenty minutes a day. Go outside
Speaker 3: and walk for twenty minutes a day. Read for twenty
Speaker 3: minutes a day. What is it that you're going to
Speaker 3: do at the top of the year. And it's not
Speaker 3: a resolution per se, but just something that you can
Speaker 3: do that you think will help you create and habit
Speaker 3: to get better at something. Think about what that is.
Speaker 3: If you post it on Instagram, tag me Kadine this
Speaker 3: is my habit, let me know what it is. I'm
Speaker 3: gonna think on it, I'm a marinate on it, and
Speaker 3: I'm probably gonna like put out maybe a question or
Speaker 3: something a question box on Instagram to see what everyone's
Speaker 3: doing as a habit.
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you why. I'd be laughing because
Speaker 1: this is the second time. The first time you said
Speaker 1: about making it bad. This is how much in sync
Speaker 1: we are, right, you also said create a daily habit
Speaker 1: twenty minutes.
Speaker 4: Look at how look at the rate for my goal
Speaker 4: every day.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, yep, twenty minutes to listen to something enlightening.
Speaker 1: Twenty minutes every single day. This was something I said
Speaker 1: I was going to start, and I've been focusing on it.
Speaker 3: It's crazy because you were listening to yours this morning
Speaker 3: and I was like, what the hell is he listening to?
Speaker 3: I was I was half asleep, And I mean, I
Speaker 3: appreciate that too, because I'm soaking things into and not
Speaker 3: even realizing it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my That was my habit that I said
Speaker 1: I was going to start. Yeah, towards the end of
Speaker 1: the year, and I've been on it and it's actually
Speaker 1: been helping me a lot.
Speaker 4: I wake up.
Speaker 1: The first thing I do and I wake up check
Speaker 1: my counts. Right before it used to be workout. Now
Speaker 1: it's check my accounts. I meditate, and I put on
Speaker 1: my twenty minutes and listen to something that I feel
Speaker 1: is going to carry me throughout the day, something positive,
Speaker 1: something that's self helped, something that's to enlighten me. And
Speaker 1: then after I get done with that, I go work
Speaker 1: out and that's.
Speaker 2: Become my Yeah, I noticed that in the mornings.
Speaker 4: But check this out.
Speaker 1: Look at how your body changed from last November to
Speaker 1: now everybody is like, at one point there was like
Speaker 1: could he even get a BBL?
Speaker 4: They could even do this?
Speaker 2: And I'm just like, if I did, I would have
Speaker 2: got I would have got my hips fixed to y'u.
Speaker 4: There's nothing wrong with your hips, bro.
Speaker 2: If I go, you gotta hit.
Speaker 1: So you you a Jamaican evincension woman, like a woman
Speaker 1: like that's you build like a try to start you streamline.
Speaker 4: You got a big bubble and you can run fast.
Speaker 4: That's that's what you are.
Speaker 2: That is true. But I know you're right. Consistency.
Speaker 1: It's been consistency every day twenty thirty minutes. And now everybody, Wow, Wow,
Speaker 1: what happened? This was a year in the making for
Speaker 1: you to get to this point. It wasn't something you
Speaker 1: did in sixty days, that is true. So it was
Speaker 1: a year in the making. And imagine how much better
Speaker 1: you can be next year. Oh my gosh, if you
Speaker 1: continue the same thing for another year, like come on.
Speaker 3: Nothing beats to the results, y'all once you finally put
Speaker 3: the action into place. All right, y'all, be sure to
Speaker 3: follow us on Patreon. We have all the things going
Speaker 3: on still going into this new year too. You're going
Speaker 3: to find so much more from us. Our live show
Speaker 3: is coming up. I am so excited about it. I
Speaker 3: think it's amazing having it towards the top of the year,
Speaker 3: in that first quarter, because it really just gets like
Speaker 3: the energy going, it's the excitement of the new year
Speaker 3: is different.
Speaker 2: It's just different.
Speaker 4: It's a different show.
Speaker 1: The team Trouble Josh Matt we sat down, we put
Speaker 1: together something completely different. So if you've been to a show,
Speaker 1: you're going to come to this show and be like,
Speaker 1: that wasn't what I expected it to be. It was
Speaker 1: completely different. But we've been inspired all year.
Speaker 2: Talking about growth mindset.
Speaker 4: Right about growth mindset. We went to watch be on tour.
Speaker 4: We watch five times.
Speaker 1: We saw Ll on tour, we saw Drake on tour,
Speaker 1: and we've we've just been trying to consume as much
Speaker 1: content to see how we can make our show better.
Speaker 1: And we guarantee y'all when y'all come to this show,
Speaker 1: you're gonna be like, I've never seen a live podcast
Speaker 1: like that.
Speaker 2: Get Yo tickets now for Love Against the World.
Speaker 6: Yeah, you still have a little bit of time because
Speaker 6: at this point, I don't know how many seeds a left,
Speaker 6: so don't wait because we always get the Oh my god,
Speaker 6: I love get my.
Speaker 2: Tickets, so oh no, I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4: We tell you, We told you now.
Speaker 2: Find us on Patreon.
Speaker 3: Also, we're gonna have exclusive dead Ass podcast video content
Speaker 3: as well as family content. Found us on social media
Speaker 3: dead Ass the podcast page on Instagram, and you can
Speaker 3: find me at Kadena I am.
Speaker 4: And I Am Devout.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe. And last, but most importantly not least,
Speaker 1: get your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach
Speaker 1: to Getting Everything you want out of your relationship, available
Speaker 1: now where books are sold and also in the audio version.
Speaker 2: Yeah, dead Ass y'all.
Speaker 4: Hey, Happy holidays, We love y'alldays. Dead Ass.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 1: is produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never
Speaker 1: miss a Thing