1 00:00:01,880 --> 00:00:06,520 Speaker 1: Wine Down with Jane Kramer and I Heart Radio podcast. Okay, 2 00:00:06,519 --> 00:00:11,720 Speaker 1: well I'm back in Nashville, UM, and I have to 3 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:14,240 Speaker 1: be honest with y'all. I feel like I'm having a 4 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:20,200 Speaker 1: little mini breakdown. UM. I think it's interesting to go 5 00:00:20,640 --> 00:00:24,040 Speaker 1: from Well, first of all, i've been for the last month. 6 00:00:24,079 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 1: I've been in Connecticut filming and it was such an 7 00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: amazing experience. UM. It's a Christmas movie. I can't say 8 00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,280 Speaker 1: the title yet, but it's coming out UH later this 9 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:39,960 Speaker 1: year in December for UM one of the Lifetime movies. UM. 10 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: And it was such a fun experience, and I think 11 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:49,840 Speaker 1: coming back from that world has been a harder transition 12 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,080 Speaker 1: than I thought it was going to be. Like I 13 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:55,520 Speaker 1: knew amazing. Hillary just popped down, So this is awesome. UM. 14 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:59,200 Speaker 1: I texted my UH producer and was like, I need 15 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: a therapist and I need a stat like stat So 16 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 1: thank you Hillary for for for coming on and joining. 17 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 1: I was just kind of saying like, obviously I talked 18 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,120 Speaker 1: to you when I was in Connecticut, and I knew 19 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 1: like it was gonna be weird kind of coming home, 20 00:01:15,319 --> 00:01:17,559 Speaker 1: but it today it just hit me like a ton 21 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,959 Speaker 1: of bricks and was like and I don't know if 22 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,039 Speaker 1: it was because I was in a world where it 23 00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:28,080 Speaker 1: was just this bubble of like positive energy and um, 24 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:30,840 Speaker 1: you know, positive people around me, and I was working 25 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:34,640 Speaker 1: and I didn't. I wasn't in that reality. Even when 26 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:41,480 Speaker 1: you know, um, the divorce was finalized, I still had 27 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 1: to I I cried about it, but then I had 28 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:45,759 Speaker 1: to go, Okay, I have to walk into work now. 29 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,600 Speaker 1: So now I have to button up really fast and 30 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 1: go to work and then coming home and obviously I'm 31 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,680 Speaker 1: so happy to be back with the kids. But it's 32 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,360 Speaker 1: just like, oh crap, like this is my reality, not 33 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,360 Speaker 1: the reality of like being in this amazing movie with 34 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: really positive energy. So how do I walk through that? 35 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:06,800 Speaker 1: Because I feel like I'm like, I mean, I just 36 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: had a total cry fast about thirty minutes ago. Just 37 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,680 Speaker 1: like it's just it's weird. I don't I don't even 38 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:15,160 Speaker 1: know how to like put it. Does it even make 39 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,639 Speaker 1: sense what I'm saying? Yeah, I mean to me, you're 40 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:23,200 Speaker 1: talking about this like very painful but very authentic kind 41 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:27,040 Speaker 1: of coexistence of these two truths I mean, which is 42 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:32,040 Speaker 1: that you're in the middle of this terrible deep grief 43 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:36,360 Speaker 1: and mourning, which is going to keep evolving, and evolution 44 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 1: doesn't just mean it gets better and more positive and easier. 45 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:43,400 Speaker 1: It also means that you have dark knights of the 46 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 1: soul where it feels unbearable, and there's certain moments or 47 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: seasons or events or circumstances that will kind of bring 48 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:54,280 Speaker 1: that to bear. And I just want to offer that, like, 49 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,920 Speaker 1: even though obviously the movie set can't be your literal 50 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: reality and it has some you know, low the aspects 51 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:03,640 Speaker 1: to it that aren't like, um, you know, scalable on 52 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:06,360 Speaker 1: a day to day basis, both are true. You know 53 00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:11,519 Speaker 1: that you have this lovely, amazing professional life and these wonderful, 54 00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:15,920 Speaker 1: supportive group of friends, um that lift you up, and 55 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:20,480 Speaker 1: in their presence you fly, you know, and you you 56 00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,760 Speaker 1: get a glimpse of yourself like sort of in this 57 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,640 Speaker 1: other new way. And that's as true as the grief 58 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:29,760 Speaker 1: that you experienced when you came home, I'm sure and 59 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,400 Speaker 1: felt the emptiness of the house in a profound way 60 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 1: and the change in your lifestyle in a really deep way. 61 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 1: And and so I don't know if if we're in 62 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: a position where we can just make the grief get better, 63 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 1: but at least to widen the perspective around that just 64 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:49,720 Speaker 1: like both are true deep grief, deep grief and like 65 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:55,600 Speaker 1: deep precious growth. You know that just both are true. Yeah, 66 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: and I love that and I hear that, and I 67 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:03,960 Speaker 1: also we're fat being said, how do I like, I'm like, 68 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:11,800 Speaker 1: will I get to a place where this doesn't affect 69 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,640 Speaker 1: me as much? Because it's like I would love to 70 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,799 Speaker 1: get out of the space. I was reading some comments 71 00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: and people were like, I'm so sick of hearing about 72 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, I'm sick of feeling it, you know, 73 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,120 Speaker 1: like uh so, And that's where you know, I got 74 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:28,320 Speaker 1: upset earlier today because I'm just like I don't even 75 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:32,920 Speaker 1: know what to talk about anymore, because I'm like, I 76 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,680 Speaker 1: obviously want to be authentic and I want to be 77 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:36,560 Speaker 1: open and I want to share, but I can only 78 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 1: share certain things because I don't want my kids to 79 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: read certain things. I don't want the press to pick 80 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:44,240 Speaker 1: up you know, how I really feel about my ex 81 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:46,520 Speaker 1: or like, you know, it's like there's so many things 82 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:50,600 Speaker 1: that I don't you know, I'm trying to keep everything kosher, 83 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,240 Speaker 1: but I'm inside I'm like battling all these things that 84 00:04:53,279 --> 00:04:56,040 Speaker 1: have been really hard to battle that it feels like 85 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,560 Speaker 1: I think it's tough because I have have been so 86 00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 1: open and honest about everything, and even when my ex 87 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,000 Speaker 1: and I were talking about infidelity, I didn't feel alone. 88 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,560 Speaker 1: But now I feel probably the most alone I've ever 89 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,840 Speaker 1: felt because I'm actually not being able to authentically share 90 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 1: everything that's like on my heart. And I think that's 91 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,080 Speaker 1: like it's been the hardest thing because it's like it's 92 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: like two different um spaces where I'm like, I want 93 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,799 Speaker 1: to be so authentic, but then like I can only 94 00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,839 Speaker 1: be so authentic without hurting people or having that energy 95 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,840 Speaker 1: out there or causing more chaos with my ax or 96 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,920 Speaker 1: you know. So it's like I don't know like who 97 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,720 Speaker 1: to be or how to be, or what to say 98 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,919 Speaker 1: or like. And it's such a weird reality when the 99 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:41,320 Speaker 1: last five years of my life I've been so open 100 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:45,480 Speaker 1: and so honest in those trials and things that most 101 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: people would never talk about. So now I'm supposed to 102 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 1: like not say anything, and and I don't know like 103 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: how to like walk that path. Help me well that 104 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,400 Speaker 1: pain and grief that comes from what you're having to 105 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:04,160 Speaker 1: embody in this sort of let me let me stay back. 106 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:07,080 Speaker 1: I think every marriage that ends in a divorce has 107 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,760 Speaker 1: what I like to call like an after marriage and 108 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,599 Speaker 1: after marriage, right, which is the new season of what 109 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:16,479 Speaker 1: your relationship is and what all the feelings are around 110 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:21,839 Speaker 1: this new quote relationship that has its own season, and 111 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 1: in my experience as a clinician, that season last for 112 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: a year or two, depending on the circumstances, depending on 113 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,720 Speaker 1: if kids are involved, and so to kind of start 114 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: where you started. The idea that you would be in 115 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,400 Speaker 1: a different place than you are now that is being 116 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: proffered by I don't know, fans or people who follow you, etcetera, 117 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,520 Speaker 1: is not the norm. I would not only would I 118 00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,240 Speaker 1: not expect to see it. If I did see it, 119 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:51,159 Speaker 1: I would be concerned that there was suppression of the grief, 120 00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 1: that there was suppression of the trauma. There's an entirely 121 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,200 Speaker 1: new relationship you have to build with your after marriage 122 00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:02,880 Speaker 1: that is just to its infancy stages. And I know 123 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,920 Speaker 1: that's not like amazing, great news, but I think it's 124 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,479 Speaker 1: just a truth and the answer to the question will 125 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:10,520 Speaker 1: you feel better? Will you not always feel like this? Absolutely? 126 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: Of course and no no doubt, like that's an unequivocal yes. 127 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,880 Speaker 1: From my standpoint and my experience, it's just not not now. 128 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: This is pretty brand new, even though I know it 129 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,000 Speaker 1: feels like you've been doing a bunch of heavy lifting 130 00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,440 Speaker 1: for a lot of days now. In kind of terms 131 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:30,200 Speaker 1: of marriage with children that's ended, and um, your public 132 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:33,800 Speaker 1: profile and all the hurt that we see and don't see. 133 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,400 Speaker 1: It's it's pretty early on. And I think in terms 134 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 1: of the actual question like how do I manage that? 135 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,760 Speaker 1: How do I manage that? There's I'm sure in evolving 136 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:46,120 Speaker 1: acceptance of the truth and what you're dealing with, Like 137 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:50,080 Speaker 1: you're having to embody this pretty heroic role right where 138 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 1: you're holding the line, you're holding that boundary I suppose 139 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,960 Speaker 1: on behalf of your kids for the most part, right, 140 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: And I guess that that is in these like dark 141 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: at moments, I think the thing that you have to 142 00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 1: most lean into is like this boundary is for them 143 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,240 Speaker 1: and them only. That's it, and um, that's it and 144 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,760 Speaker 1: that's everything right and and that's like I always call it, 145 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,800 Speaker 1: like heroes work. You know, this is heroes work. That 146 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,200 Speaker 1: that is the motivation, that is the inspiration, And it 147 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,720 Speaker 1: couldn't be harder because of course, in a lot of 148 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: ways it would be better if you could just feel 149 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,120 Speaker 1: more integrated. You know that you weren't having to separate 150 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:27,640 Speaker 1: out your feelings in different contexts of your life, and 151 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:29,679 Speaker 1: and so I think that's part of why you're suffering 152 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 1: so much. It's really really difficult, and having to accept 153 00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,000 Speaker 1: at least that current truth is really really hard. You 154 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,640 Speaker 1: feel a bit split and right and not totally authentic 155 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: and not totally supported and seen in all the ways 156 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,240 Speaker 1: that you deserve to be supported and seeing. Because of 157 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,680 Speaker 1: all this, Yeah, like I would love to be able 158 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:50,120 Speaker 1: to express and share certain things just like I did 159 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: with the past stuff, so that way I don't feels 160 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: alone in certain situations. But yeah, I mean, I I 161 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,880 Speaker 1: think I'm just I don't know who Like I guess 162 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 1: I had this, UM. I called a friend, yeah, about 163 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,920 Speaker 1: thirty minutes ago and was just like started crying. I 164 00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: was like, I don't even know, like who I am? 165 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 1: Like who am I? Like? What's my story? Like? What 166 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: am I? Like? You know what? Why do I? Like? 167 00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 1: I just I just feel lost. And I think it 168 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,079 Speaker 1: is because I had shared so much previously that now 169 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,240 Speaker 1: I just and yes, I've shared, but like there's still 170 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:26,719 Speaker 1: so many things that like I've would love to um, 171 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: you know, Um, let out, and I guess it's and 172 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,160 Speaker 1: I've just never done it like privately, like you know, 173 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: I've always just been sharing, like sharing, and like, okay, 174 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,080 Speaker 1: this is like what I'm going through. But now that, yeah, 175 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,920 Speaker 1: I have you know, kids to protect. And then also, 176 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:50,960 Speaker 1: I mean I think it's I think there's something too 177 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,200 Speaker 1: to be said where I just don't want any more 178 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,080 Speaker 1: conflict with my ax. So I'm like, well, if I 179 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: shut up, then you know he won't be mad at me, 180 00:09:58,240 --> 00:09:59,920 Speaker 1: even though he has no reason to be mad at me, 181 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,160 Speaker 1: right you know. So I mean, sure, I've of course 182 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,480 Speaker 1: played my parts in the marriage, like I've said before, 183 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 1: but with the ending of it, it's like and he 184 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,160 Speaker 1: even knows, like he even said, he's like, you could 185 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,640 Speaker 1: run me over with the bus if you wanted to, um, 186 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:19,360 Speaker 1: but I don't. I don't want I just like I 187 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: don't want that that anymore. But I also want to 188 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: share my experiences and and share all that. But then 189 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:29,240 Speaker 1: it's like, but I don't want the flak from from that, 190 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:32,120 Speaker 1: and I want that to go away. But then I'm like, okay, then, 191 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,800 Speaker 1: and then what am I sharing? Like? Who am I? Like? 192 00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:38,840 Speaker 1: Is it just I don't know, it's just confusing. I 193 00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,000 Speaker 1: get that there's a there's an identity loss here, right, 194 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,680 Speaker 1: I mean both kind of personally and publicly. I really 195 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,760 Speaker 1: I'm really taking that in and that that is I'm 196 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,280 Speaker 1: sure totally disorienting, which prompted that call like, well, who 197 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 1: am I if I'm not this? And he boxed in 198 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 1: and not kind of free and spontaneous like and theoretically 199 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,840 Speaker 1: you hope to in the aftermath of of this kind 200 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 1: of shift, you know that you start to feel like 201 00:11:06,679 --> 00:11:10,439 Speaker 1: more rather than like expansive rather than narrow, right, And 202 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: I guess you're feeling narrowed right now, which is a 203 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:16,880 Speaker 1: very difficult, painful place to be. I would I would 204 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:21,520 Speaker 1: offer that I imagine this will be evolving, meaning that 205 00:11:21,559 --> 00:11:24,160 Speaker 1: there might be another time in space where your story 206 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:28,439 Speaker 1: is able to be delivered in a way that isn't 207 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:33,640 Speaker 1: so current and isn't so conflictual and um, where your 208 00:11:33,679 --> 00:11:37,439 Speaker 1: kids are a bit older and can hold all the sides. Um, 209 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,800 Speaker 1: so this might not be like the ending to the story, 210 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 1: you know, and um. The word that keeps coming to 211 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,320 Speaker 1: mind is you're talking about it is grace, you know, 212 00:11:48,679 --> 00:11:51,080 Speaker 1: grace and being able to ground yourself in the grace 213 00:11:51,320 --> 00:12:03,280 Speaker 1: of what you're doing. You know, what I'd love to 214 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,920 Speaker 1: talk about is gaslighting because I feel like the term 215 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:12,640 Speaker 1: is is used a lot, and I've h I didn't 216 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:14,679 Speaker 1: honestly know what it was. So can you just kind 217 00:12:14,679 --> 00:12:17,040 Speaker 1: of give a broad spectrum of what gas lighting is 218 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,760 Speaker 1: and and um in all of its traits and where 219 00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:24,000 Speaker 1: it comes from. Yeah. So the idea of gaslighting, which 220 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 1: is actually a super old concept, is the idea of 221 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:32,520 Speaker 1: sort of using kind of emotional manipulation to make the 222 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,559 Speaker 1: receiver of that energy or that dynamic kind of question 223 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:44,680 Speaker 1: their own reality or emotional experience. And yeah, I feel 224 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:48,960 Speaker 1: like in those types of relationships to the person that's 225 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:53,480 Speaker 1: gaslighting doesn't know, doesn't won't like say that they're gaslighting, like, 226 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:55,560 Speaker 1: they'll continue to still make you feel crazy. And I 227 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:59,360 Speaker 1: think that's like the part where I've I've been stuck 228 00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:02,520 Speaker 1: for you in my past relationships. Yeah, that's the key 229 00:13:02,559 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: element of gas lighting. That that that's that that's the 230 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:07,760 Speaker 1: core of it. The pain of it is that the 231 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:12,120 Speaker 1: person doing the gas lighting is committed to denying that 232 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:16,520 Speaker 1: the dynamic is occurring. And that is because there's sort 233 00:13:16,559 --> 00:13:21,319 Speaker 1: of a protection of their own wound, their own vulnerability, 234 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,400 Speaker 1: their own responsibility, their own accountability. So it's sort of 235 00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: like a almost like a like there's a frenetic energy 236 00:13:29,679 --> 00:13:33,840 Speaker 1: around denying your reality in the service of protecting their's, 237 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,760 Speaker 1: which is, I did nothing wrong, I have nothing to 238 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,360 Speaker 1: be accountable for, I have nothing to look at, I 239 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,080 Speaker 1: have nothing to deal with. I'm not responsible here. So 240 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: when you know that that person is doing it, how 241 00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:50,440 Speaker 1: can you not let that gaslighting person affect you? Because 242 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,560 Speaker 1: I think that's where I struggle with have had struggled 243 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,160 Speaker 1: with the most in the past, is like they make 244 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:02,800 Speaker 1: you question your craziness so good that you're like, maybe 245 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,120 Speaker 1: I am crazy, but then really comes to find out 246 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,959 Speaker 1: that you're not, and it's you know, here's the proof 247 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,800 Speaker 1: of A through Z. But even when you're out of 248 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:16,040 Speaker 1: that situation, how do you not let that still creep in? Two? 249 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:22,640 Speaker 1: Not um letting them affect you in that way? Yeah, 250 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: well you kind of started where I was going to start, 251 00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:31,920 Speaker 1: which is that how one doesn't let intense pathological gaslighting 252 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:36,800 Speaker 1: impact them is uh is sort of an unanswerable question, 253 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:38,720 Speaker 1: meaning the only way to not have an impact you 254 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:42,920 Speaker 1: is to leave. If it's toxic and pathological, right, there's 255 00:14:43,560 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: no matter how psychologically savvy and sturdy, you are one 256 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:51,400 Speaker 1: cannot be um not impacted by having that kind of 257 00:14:51,440 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: toxicity sort of put upon them. So my general advice 258 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,920 Speaker 1: is if you find yourself in that kind of situation, 259 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,840 Speaker 1: to find support help in exiting the situation. But where 260 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:07,360 Speaker 1: you're talking about is the aftermath, because there's collateral damage 261 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:12,720 Speaker 1: that happens. Right you start questioning yourself and feeling um 262 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: a sense of disorientation that what your experience tells you 263 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:19,400 Speaker 1: might not be correct, and can feel a lack of 264 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,880 Speaker 1: groundedness and connectedness. So I think it's it's it's critical 265 00:15:24,160 --> 00:15:28,160 Speaker 1: to regard that as as a trauma of sorts, and 266 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: to do some trauma work to deal with the grief, 267 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: to deal with the depression, to deal with the anxiety 268 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 1: in a very slow and deliberate way, and ideally in 269 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: a professional setting. And then as you start to re 270 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:45,240 Speaker 1: emerge in kind of the aftermath of that trauma, to 271 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:49,360 Speaker 1: be surrounding yourself with people who are available for a 272 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:56,360 Speaker 1: sort of vulnerable, supportive, messy discussions and reflections. So I 273 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,880 Speaker 1: think it's about the inside work and then about what 274 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 1: your life looks like and feels like as you kind 275 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:04,760 Speaker 1: of re emerge from that trauma. Yeah, for sure. I 276 00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:06,840 Speaker 1: was going to say too that I think when you 277 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 1: find yourself going down that path, you know to be 278 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: very deliberate about that moment of sort of questioning yourself 279 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: or doubting yourself, to really be like very deliberate about 280 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 1: how you talk to yourself in that moment to kind 281 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 1: of have enough mindfulness that you step outside yourself. It 282 00:16:20,560 --> 00:16:24,880 Speaker 1: might sound um um overly simplified, but even picturing like 283 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,960 Speaker 1: a red stop sign stop, you know that you're literally 284 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,240 Speaker 1: interrupting the dynamic, the like neural pathway that goes from like, 285 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:33,960 Speaker 1: oh this happened to like I'm wrong, I'm bad, because 286 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,800 Speaker 1: that's what we do. We developed like an automatic, uh 287 00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:39,800 Speaker 1: sort of a path to like something bad happens, and 288 00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 1: you're all the way to like I'm bad, I'm wrong, 289 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,040 Speaker 1: I'm not valuable, and being able to interrupt that and 290 00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 1: stop it and talk yourself through it, like wait a minute, 291 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 1: what's happening here? What is my intuition telling me, what 292 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 1: part of that feels right? What part of that is 293 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: resonating with me? And to be able to kind of 294 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:58,560 Speaker 1: reparent yourself back to trusting your own voice and to 295 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,560 Speaker 1: kind of tolerate moments. Maybe you don't get it right, 296 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,800 Speaker 1: maybe do get it right. Sometimes that's what um um. 297 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:06,640 Speaker 1: Relying on our own intuition looks like. Right, we never 298 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 1: get right all the time. But being able to build 299 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,720 Speaker 1: like a new relationship with ourselves around listening to ourselves, 300 00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:15,960 Speaker 1: because gas lighting takes us outside of ourselves, we have 301 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,080 Speaker 1: to go back in. It's that's like it's just so 302 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:23,040 Speaker 1: hard to do though, I mean because it's like, you know, 303 00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:24,639 Speaker 1: even when people like, oh, you're strong, I'm like, no, 304 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,360 Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm weak and I'm miss and then it's 305 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,560 Speaker 1: like the negative voices that we feed into ourselves. And 306 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,960 Speaker 1: then even like you know, the other night, when I 307 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: had just gotten home from Connecticut and I was home alone, 308 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,280 Speaker 1: I was like, oh I miss you know, I miss 309 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,359 Speaker 1: my my family. And then I'm like, okay, what do 310 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,879 Speaker 1: I What do I miss? Am I missing? Am I 311 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,919 Speaker 1: actually missing Mike? Or am I missing? And it's like 312 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:45,399 Speaker 1: that when you start to really break it down and 313 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,879 Speaker 1: you're like okay, and then you can get back into, 314 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,359 Speaker 1: you know, um, a healthier mind frame around it. But 315 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,359 Speaker 1: it is very hard when you start telling yourself certain 316 00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:59,360 Speaker 1: things that when you really separate it out and you're 317 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,399 Speaker 1: in your right and it's like, okay, no, this is 318 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:02,919 Speaker 1: what I miss. I just missed that, you know, I 319 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,080 Speaker 1: hate that this happened. Then I miss my kids upstairs. 320 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:06,960 Speaker 1: But like, if I was to do this again, I 321 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,720 Speaker 1: wouldn't go through it again, you know, I wouldn't. And 322 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,639 Speaker 1: it's good to sit that down. But in those moments, 323 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:14,399 Speaker 1: it's very hard because am like I miss him, and 324 00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:16,639 Speaker 1: I'm like, wait a minute, let's take it. Take a beat. 325 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,639 Speaker 1: What do you miss And then you're like, okay, yeah, 326 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:23,439 Speaker 1: it couldn't be harder, and you won't do it every time, right, 327 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 1: Sometimes our emotions just take over and they get the 328 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,159 Speaker 1: best of us. You're right, it's emotional heavy lifting in 329 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:31,119 Speaker 1: the middle of brief It couldn't be harder. So it's 330 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:32,720 Speaker 1: good that you're saying that out loud, both to like 331 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:35,639 Speaker 1: validate it for yourself for your listeners that like that 332 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,800 Speaker 1: is the most difficult thing to do, is like to 333 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:41,119 Speaker 1: stand up against those voices. But I had a thought 334 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,640 Speaker 1: that you know, when you have those moments where you're 335 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:46,440 Speaker 1: thinking people say to you you're so strong, and your 336 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,800 Speaker 1: head you're thinking like, I'm that's not true, I'm weak. 337 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,600 Speaker 1: You know all that and that sort of conflict about 338 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,840 Speaker 1: how people see you, how you really feel inside. I 339 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 1: think it's so important. I was talking at the beginning 340 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:57,640 Speaker 1: about like feelings coexisting and how important is to lean 341 00:18:57,680 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: into that truth if you can feel like strong and 342 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:01,840 Speaker 1: weak at the same time, like both can be so true. 343 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:05,560 Speaker 1: And to be careful not to exile those parts of you. 344 00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 1: They're like super useful that are have a lot of 345 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,919 Speaker 1: important information to tell us. Like the part of you 346 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,600 Speaker 1: that's quote weak, which I'm putting in quotes, is really 347 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: important to heap close to us, not to exile it 348 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 1: and kind of call it bad and try to make 349 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 1: it not a part of us, but to bring it close. 350 00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,040 Speaker 1: Like what are you trying to tell me? Like kind 351 00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:24,680 Speaker 1: of what you just we're talking about? What's the weak 352 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,680 Speaker 1: quote week voice trying to tell me? Oh, I'm sad 353 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,200 Speaker 1: I'm missing this part of this dream, this narrative I 354 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: had about what my life is supposed to be is 355 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,160 Speaker 1: is different now has fallen apart, and how that makes 356 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,160 Speaker 1: me feel so like not so quickly exiling those sort 357 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,639 Speaker 1: of quote bad parts of yourself. They're good, They're like 358 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,520 Speaker 1: super important for us to get closer to, not get 359 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,959 Speaker 1: far away. So maybe that helps in this like darker 360 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,120 Speaker 1: part of where you are right now, to like invite 361 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 1: those pieces in so you can learn more from them 362 00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: rather than feel like, oh, they're so bad, I just 363 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: want them to go away. Yeah. No, I love that. 364 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,040 Speaker 1: I do appreciate that a lot. And thanks for happening on. 365 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:01,480 Speaker 1: I know you. I know you have a very busy day, 366 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,439 Speaker 1: so I appreciate the time that you do give us 367 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,560 Speaker 1: here at one down. We we appreciate you very much. 368 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 1: So good to see you YouTube Maney. I'll talk to 369 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:15,200 Speaker 1: you soon on my next breakdown. UM. You know what's 370 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,840 Speaker 1: interesting about that is I actually have, UM, I've got this. 371 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,560 Speaker 1: I've got so many notes on my phone. One of 372 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,359 Speaker 1: the things that I said, you know, I I write, 373 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: UM instead of saying negative things to my ex. I've 374 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:32,000 Speaker 1: got a I literally a full notepad of just everything 375 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:35,440 Speaker 1: I want to say when I'm having a bad day. UM, 376 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,959 Speaker 1: and I just I Sometimes we will even put an 377 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,560 Speaker 1: email form but I click, you know delete. Just getting 378 00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:44,359 Speaker 1: it out sometimes very helpful because there's a lot of 379 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 1: emotions that come with um, you know, being in this 380 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:51,439 Speaker 1: this season. UM. And then yeah, when I do miss 381 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,960 Speaker 1: you know, because there's times when of course I miss 382 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 1: my ex and to be able to sit down and go, okay, 383 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: yes there was good moments here, but I go back here, 384 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,480 Speaker 1: here's what I don't miss, and then it's like, okay, yeah, 385 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,239 Speaker 1: I don't. I don't want to go back to that, 386 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: Like this is this is a healthier, but it's still 387 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,879 Speaker 1: it's still hard. And so if you're struggling with that, 388 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 1: like it's it's okay to still have those feelings. I 389 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 1: do too, It's normal, I think. But UM, but with 390 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:21,000 Speaker 1: the negative things I have realized, you know, just write 391 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,200 Speaker 1: them down because they feel really good to get out. 392 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,400 Speaker 1: Just don't send them because it's not going to get 393 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,679 Speaker 1: you anywhere. UM. Let's take a break and then I'm 394 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,240 Speaker 1: going to go through a few of the things that 395 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,280 Speaker 1: you guys wanted me to talk about, UM from my 396 00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:45,399 Speaker 1: instagram the other day. So we were talking about different 397 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:49,359 Speaker 1: kind of co hosts to have on the show, UM 398 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,280 Speaker 1: and different guests that we can have on and Uh, 399 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,280 Speaker 1: one of the topics that you brought up, which I 400 00:21:54,320 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 1: think is really interesting, is about UM, good guys, my 401 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:05,919 Speaker 1: favorite topic, your favorite topic, but do they really finish last? 402 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:10,520 Speaker 1: You know? UM? And I thought that was a interesting 403 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,640 Speaker 1: um topic that we can talk about. But also if 404 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,639 Speaker 1: you guys want, if you have any guest co host 405 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,320 Speaker 1: ideas or other topics that you want us to talk about. 406 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 1: What's the email again? Because I never remember wind down 407 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 1: I Heart radio dot com wind down at heart radio 408 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:32,639 Speaker 1: dot com. But we started. We talked about nice nice guys. 409 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,520 Speaker 1: Because have you watched this show f Boy Island on 410 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,640 Speaker 1: HBO Max? I have not watched anything, like I haven't 411 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,840 Speaker 1: watched sex life. I'm like, I'm so far behind, so 412 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 1: I need to like start. First of all, sex life 413 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,119 Speaker 1: is amazing. Sex life is literally amazing, not just because 414 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:54,600 Speaker 1: of the like sex is it like Britain? Yeah, it's 415 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,840 Speaker 1: it's pretty, it's pretty aggressively softcore, like it's not further 416 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,679 Speaker 1: than that. But that wasn't what I loved. What I 417 00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:06,000 Speaker 1: loved about it was like the topics that it made 418 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,639 Speaker 1: me think about, is there someone for everyone? Is the 419 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 1: good guy? The one that you actually want? And it 420 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:18,560 Speaker 1: really goes into that, just like f Boy Island. Yeah, 421 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,720 Speaker 1: that would be interesting. Yeah, do you think you would 422 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:27,800 Speaker 1: like a good guy? Like an all around good guy? 423 00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:29,920 Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's like what we all want 424 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:34,560 Speaker 1: and deserve. You know, and I think that's Um. I mean, 425 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:39,040 Speaker 1: I definitely think that that's what we deserve. I I 426 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:43,760 Speaker 1: have had not I've had a very bad picker. Um. 427 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: And do you think you're more attracted? Like could you 428 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,800 Speaker 1: be attracted to the good guy or do you lose 429 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:55,679 Speaker 1: attraction quickly? Okay? So I mean, how do I like? 430 00:23:55,840 --> 00:24:02,679 Speaker 1: I think it's one of those things where you or I. 431 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 1: I have had good guys in my past that I 432 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:10,400 Speaker 1: could easily walk all over and that's not good because 433 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 1: they got hurt in the end. I hurt them. I 434 00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:15,720 Speaker 1: didn't feel good about myself. But I can't have the 435 00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,600 Speaker 1: guys that are just like, yes, whatever you want. Janna. 436 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,199 Speaker 1: Like that to me is like I need some like 437 00:24:21,280 --> 00:24:23,439 Speaker 1: push and pull. I need the good guy, but that 438 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,120 Speaker 1: also has a backbone, and that's what I'm looking for. 439 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,440 Speaker 1: I think we have to teach ourselves. And I'm not 440 00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,600 Speaker 1: an expert, but you sort of have to teach yourself 441 00:24:33,119 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 1: to like the good guy because for whatever reason, you're chemistry, 442 00:24:38,440 --> 00:24:43,560 Speaker 1: your makeup is attracted to to not that the good 443 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:47,600 Speaker 1: guy might seem boring to you. Yeah, no for sure. 444 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,080 Speaker 1: And it's like the fights, might you know. I'm I'm 445 00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: used to explosive and finding the awful things. But I 446 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,720 Speaker 1: don't want that anymore. But at the same time, like 447 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,919 Speaker 1: that's been the drama in my life for the past 448 00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,680 Speaker 1: you know, ten plus a year. So it's like, I 449 00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:07,840 Speaker 1: would love to just be comfortable with someone that respects me. 450 00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:11,120 Speaker 1: And you know, and I have talked about this, because 451 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:15,920 Speaker 1: there is a chemical release that happens really when you fight, 452 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,520 Speaker 1: because you and I've talked about it, but sometimes you 453 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,040 Speaker 1: almost want to go back to the bad guy just 454 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,800 Speaker 1: to make yourself feel better for a minute, which does work, 455 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:30,720 Speaker 1: but it only works for a minute. It doesn't feel 456 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 1: good in the end. I would rather And that's like 457 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,240 Speaker 1: sometimes when I look at my mom and her relationship, 458 00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:40,840 Speaker 1: it's like, he's such a good guy, and yeah, he 459 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:42,679 Speaker 1: probably like drives her crazy, but at the end of 460 00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,800 Speaker 1: the day, she's just like, you know, he's just such 461 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 1: a good guy, and I'm like, I just I'm like 462 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:48,760 Speaker 1: I want that. I want just a good guy and 463 00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:52,880 Speaker 1: like where the fights can be over, you know, um 464 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,399 Speaker 1: being a little passive in text versus oh you cheated 465 00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,119 Speaker 1: on me, or like but how long how old was 466 00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:06,520 Speaker 1: your mom when she started that relationship? Yeah, I mean 467 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: five years ago. She was divorced for fifteen plus years. 468 00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,800 Speaker 1: I think, and this is just the journey for you 469 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:18,280 Speaker 1: as you're getting older. I think you are going to 470 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:24,040 Speaker 1: enjoy that good guy more. I definitely, I mean, like, 471 00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:28,159 Speaker 1: I definitely hear you on that. Um, I mean obviously 472 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,680 Speaker 1: I know some good guys right now. I mean, you know, yeah, 473 00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:35,040 Speaker 1: I mean, look, tell me a little bit about that. 474 00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:38,440 Speaker 1: What Okay, so pretend we don't know who you're talking about, 475 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,680 Speaker 1: but you're talking about a good guy. He's a good guy. Yeah, 476 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,359 Speaker 1: you're working hard to have a great friendship with with 477 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 1: the potential of more. What makes you nervous because he's 478 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 1: a good guy, Like, what is your what goes on 479 00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:56,640 Speaker 1: in your head or body that freaks you out? I 480 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,800 Speaker 1: think for me, it's like outside noise number one too, 481 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:06,000 Speaker 1: my kids, and just like not not being ready and 482 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,679 Speaker 1: then and then because I'm not here here honestly it's me. 483 00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:12,360 Speaker 1: I'm I'm because I'm not ready to accept the good 484 00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:14,480 Speaker 1: guy yet. I don't think I deserve it. And that's 485 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,400 Speaker 1: where my issue is. And that's where I'm like, if 486 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:20,280 Speaker 1: I were to date this person right now, I would 487 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:24,280 Speaker 1: probably end up sabotaging it and ruining it. And and 488 00:27:24,359 --> 00:27:28,200 Speaker 1: not being and and ruining something that I could see 489 00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:34,080 Speaker 1: be a potential forever relationship. Um And I'm like, I 490 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:36,119 Speaker 1: have to get to a place where I actually feel 491 00:27:36,119 --> 00:27:39,120 Speaker 1: like I deserve the good guy because I'm so used 492 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,400 Speaker 1: to hearing the last seven years negative things thrown at 493 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,479 Speaker 1: me about who I am and what I am and 494 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,720 Speaker 1: how I It's like, we're so now I'm like, okay, 495 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,159 Speaker 1: that's so, that's who I am. So I'm trying to 496 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:54,159 Speaker 1: break that narrative so that way I can be open 497 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:59,320 Speaker 1: to that good guy. It's just, you know, I mean, 498 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:02,919 Speaker 1: I was abused when I was nineteen, you know, so 499 00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,359 Speaker 1: it's like, okay, no, I'm I'm I'm meant to be 500 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,560 Speaker 1: grabbed and I'm meant to be hit. And it's like 501 00:28:07,800 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 1: now I know, now, I know like that I don't 502 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,480 Speaker 1: deserve that anymore. And I would never allow a guy 503 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:19,400 Speaker 1: to hurt me. Having said that, I've had twenty plus 504 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:23,720 Speaker 1: years of trauma of abusive relationships that I'm like, I still, somehow, 505 00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:27,199 Speaker 1: in small part of me, still thinks inside of me 506 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: that maybe I do deserve that. And that's the part 507 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,479 Speaker 1: that I have to break or I will. And I 508 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,560 Speaker 1: even hate to say that because like, nobody deserves that, 509 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,960 Speaker 1: and I know that it's so normal because we get 510 00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 1: so used to what we know. I want to go backwards. 511 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,560 Speaker 1: When you said outside voices, we explain what that means. 512 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:49,200 Speaker 1: What is outside voices? It's like media, it's people. It's like, oh, 513 00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:51,920 Speaker 1: you can't move on too fast. You can like Amanda Clutes, Okay. 514 00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,120 Speaker 1: I actually was talking to my friend Caitlin Crosby about 515 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 1: this because she's friends with her, and I go, you 516 00:28:56,240 --> 00:28:59,080 Speaker 1: know what, tell her, I love her and I appreciate 517 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,920 Speaker 1: her just sharing her story and her authenticity because obviously 518 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:07,280 Speaker 1: her husband died from covid um last year and she 519 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:10,040 Speaker 1: had mentioned that she's I don't know if she's dating 520 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,360 Speaker 1: or she says she's open to dating, and people were like, 521 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:14,800 Speaker 1: how could you date? Like when your husband just died 522 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,640 Speaker 1: a year ago? It's like, why can't you just let 523 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,120 Speaker 1: people grieve how they want to grieve, date when they 524 00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:24,360 Speaker 1: want to date and be happy. And that's like, but 525 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:27,200 Speaker 1: for me, because I have I don't know what it 526 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,080 Speaker 1: is about me. I don't know if it's because I'm 527 00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 1: a people pleaser, if it's because I I'm just so 528 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 1: worried what people think or they make assumptions because of 529 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,880 Speaker 1: my past, because I always feel like I'm like climbing 530 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:41,000 Speaker 1: up a ladder trying to be like, but I was 531 00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:43,520 Speaker 1: nineteen but he tried to kill me. But I we 532 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: were only married for a week, but he cheated on me. 533 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,800 Speaker 1: It's like, but I'm like always trying to like astric 534 00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,760 Speaker 1: my past that I'm like, Okay, people will just see 535 00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,280 Speaker 1: this and then go, oh, well, of course she's moving 536 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,479 Speaker 1: on fast with Graham or whoever, because you know, she's 537 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,120 Speaker 1: you know, blah blah blah. And I'm like, why should 538 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 1: I can care? What? Well, thank you? Why can't I 539 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,880 Speaker 1: just be happy? Why can't Amanda be happy? But you know, like, 540 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 1: come on, yeah, it's hard not to you should read this. 541 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:11,360 Speaker 1: So there's this comedian Patton Oswald and he had let's 542 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:13,920 Speaker 1: get him on the show. Yeah no, wait till you 543 00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:17,000 Speaker 1: hear is so amazing. So he had this beautiful marriage 544 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:22,840 Speaker 1: and wonderful family, and his wife tragically died like it 545 00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: was out of nowhere. And soon thereafter he married Meredith Salinger, 546 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 1: who's this actress like from the kind of nineties ish 547 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:35,840 Speaker 1: eighties nineties, and the same thing happened to them, where 548 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:39,520 Speaker 1: the whether it's the press or the noise or Instagram 549 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,920 Speaker 1: followers had a lot of judgment, and I remember someone 550 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:48,560 Speaker 1: else wrote this beautiful Facebook post explaining why you really 551 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:53,360 Speaker 1: need to let people do things when they feel they 552 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,680 Speaker 1: need to do them. And I'll find it for you 553 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:59,520 Speaker 1: because it summed it up so amazingly. And now he 554 00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:04,040 Speaker 1: God has this amazing marriage with married to Salinger, whether 555 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:08,200 Speaker 1: or not somebody else thought it was too soon. Drowning 556 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,640 Speaker 1: out the noise is so hard, Like are you able 557 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:16,040 Speaker 1: to be better about it at all? Now? You know? 558 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:19,200 Speaker 1: What is like the worst of it is I still 559 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:22,800 Speaker 1: think that I still think that I care what my 560 00:31:22,840 --> 00:31:25,040 Speaker 1: ex thinks about me, where I'm like why I don't 561 00:31:25,040 --> 00:31:27,080 Speaker 1: want him to think that I'm like, you know, because 562 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:30,959 Speaker 1: because of past conversations like oh yeah, you're just you know, 563 00:31:31,080 --> 00:31:34,080 Speaker 1: doing what you do, and I'm like, no, that's not 564 00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:35,920 Speaker 1: who I am. Like it's like where I still feel 565 00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,320 Speaker 1: like I have to like prove that like I'm worthy 566 00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,640 Speaker 1: and that I'm lovable and that I'm enough and like 567 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:43,960 Speaker 1: that I'm you know, that I'm not repeating patterns or so. 568 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,360 Speaker 1: I think it's just I want to get to a 569 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 1: place where I don't care what anyone thinks, my ex 570 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:53,120 Speaker 1: the people, the and I'm getting there. But it's just 571 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:56,920 Speaker 1: a hard um. You know, have you ever studied the 572 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: Hoffsman method? No, but I'm here for whatever. Okay, so 573 00:32:03,320 --> 00:32:05,120 Speaker 1: we should get all of our Hudson on you know, 574 00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:07,920 Speaker 1: Kate Hudson's brother, because he has a lot of people, 575 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,240 Speaker 1: don't I think it's sort of like maybe like a 576 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:11,760 Speaker 1: I don't want to speak out of school where you 577 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:15,000 Speaker 1: it's very anonymous, but he I don't feel bad saying 578 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:19,280 Speaker 1: it because he's publicly talked about it. But I think 579 00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:21,440 Speaker 1: you have to go away for a week though, no 580 00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:24,880 Speaker 1: cell phone? Yeah Hoffman, Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, I 581 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:28,560 Speaker 1: I know exactly. Um, yes, I know exactly what that. 582 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,080 Speaker 1: I've looked into it. I want to do it, yes, 583 00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:33,080 Speaker 1: all of that. Yeah, you just need to find a week. 584 00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,000 Speaker 1: But it's hard, Like do you think you could give 585 00:32:35,080 --> 00:32:39,480 Speaker 1: up your cell phone? No cell phone, no books, no TV, 586 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: no anything for a week and you kind of immerse 587 00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:46,640 Speaker 1: yourself in this method? So I did. For there's a 588 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:48,760 Speaker 1: place called on Site. It's very similar and that's where 589 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:55,400 Speaker 1: I've kind of, um, I have not followed through completely 590 00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:57,400 Speaker 1: with the Hoffman like for the week process, of it 591 00:32:57,440 --> 00:32:59,280 Speaker 1: because I'm like, well, I feel like I did that 592 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:00,880 Speaker 1: at on site, which is the same thing I gave 593 00:33:00,920 --> 00:33:03,360 Speaker 1: my cell phone, Like I did all of that. So yeah, no, 594 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,240 Speaker 1: I definitely could, and honestly, it would be really nice 595 00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:10,560 Speaker 1: to not have my phone on me. From what I 596 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:14,600 Speaker 1: understand is, they don't necessarily deal with like your marriage 597 00:33:14,640 --> 00:33:20,120 Speaker 1: breaking up. They go back further to figure out why 598 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:24,160 Speaker 1: you became attracted to people that maybe don't treat you. 599 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:26,000 Speaker 1: We'll feel like, I feel like I already know that 600 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,840 Speaker 1: because that's you know, my childhood traumas and the wounds 601 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:33,280 Speaker 1: and like the now it's just breaking the pattern, you know. Yeah, 602 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:36,000 Speaker 1: but I think, okay, clocks chicken, time to do it. 603 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 1: But I already have my babies, So like that's where 604 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:41,800 Speaker 1: I'm like, like, but but now it's time to do 605 00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:47,560 Speaker 1: you like, time to not repeat these patterns that you've 606 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,280 Speaker 1: been doing, because what you have to do is be 607 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:56,920 Speaker 1: attracted to the good guy. Uh do you? Like? Okay, 608 00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:58,520 Speaker 1: so with the good guy? And I don't want to 609 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:02,400 Speaker 1: get into it, but we will. Do you are you 610 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,640 Speaker 1: sexually attracted to the good guy or does that get 611 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:08,960 Speaker 1: messed up by that push pull thing that you've had 612 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:15,200 Speaker 1: in the past. I definitely think that if you have 613 00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,600 Speaker 1: chemistry doesn't matter whether it's the good or the bad, 614 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,600 Speaker 1: because I will say I've had I've I've felt the 615 00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:26,759 Speaker 1: sexiest and like have had you know, like I just 616 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,080 Speaker 1: I since like I feel super sexy now. So like, 617 00:34:30,680 --> 00:34:32,839 Speaker 1: I don't think that plays a role in like the 618 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,680 Speaker 1: good guy aspect of it, because here's the thing. But 619 00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:39,399 Speaker 1: if it's not like the same kind of chemistry, then 620 00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,560 Speaker 1: that would be really hard. But I don't think that. 621 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,879 Speaker 1: I don't think it really matters on so we can 622 00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:48,440 Speaker 1: check attraction isn't the problem. Okay, what about this, like 623 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,880 Speaker 1: when the good guy texts you, do you get a flutter? 624 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:58,759 Speaker 1: Or what happened? I think where people I think in 625 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:01,360 Speaker 1: the beginning, there's always that, right, like when you start 626 00:35:01,440 --> 00:35:04,799 Speaker 1: something and you get on a nap or you meet 627 00:35:04,840 --> 00:35:07,040 Speaker 1: someone new, you're like, Okay, you get that flutter, you 628 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:12,000 Speaker 1: get that instant like adrenaline endorphin hit like it's it's 629 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:16,120 Speaker 1: a great feeling, and then it's just like any other thing, 630 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:19,560 Speaker 1: that starts to fade. So you have to be like, Okay, 631 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:24,040 Speaker 1: that's that's where it's like when that fades, do you 632 00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,960 Speaker 1: still want to be with this person and still talk 633 00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,200 Speaker 1: to them and still text with them and stuff. Yeah, 634 00:35:29,239 --> 00:35:31,319 Speaker 1: I think you get attracted. Okay, tell me if I'm 635 00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:33,560 Speaker 1: way off the mark with this. I think you get 636 00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:38,879 Speaker 1: attracted to the Oh it's going wrong, Let me do this, 637 00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,280 Speaker 1: Let me do this to get it back good again. 638 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:45,000 Speaker 1: Let it And then that becomes kind of the challenge 639 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:48,000 Speaker 1: to you. And then it's like, then the relationships better 640 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:49,520 Speaker 1: and it's cruising for a minute, and then it hits 641 00:35:49,520 --> 00:35:51,319 Speaker 1: a speed bump and you're like, Okay, let me work 642 00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:54,000 Speaker 1: to get this back again. And it's just that up 643 00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:56,919 Speaker 1: down that you get so addicted to. Yeah, and that's 644 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,879 Speaker 1: what I don't want anymore, Just like I just wanted 645 00:36:00,000 --> 00:36:05,239 Speaker 1: to like be chill and like not the up and 646 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:07,840 Speaker 1: down because I can't. I can't emotionally handle that anymore. 647 00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:10,799 Speaker 1: Like that's just something that I don't want anymore. Like 648 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,040 Speaker 1: there's and obviously I have things that I have to 649 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:15,719 Speaker 1: work on for the next relationship, but I just want 650 00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:19,120 Speaker 1: to just not have that. And I I can only 651 00:36:19,239 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 1: ask for the good because the good guys have a 652 00:36:21,800 --> 00:36:24,080 Speaker 1: chance with you, right Wow? Does the good guy have 653 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:29,400 Speaker 1: a chance with you right now in this moment? No? 654 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:33,880 Speaker 1: Because I need like I need time to like accept 655 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:36,759 Speaker 1: the goodness? Is that just b s Jannah? What if 656 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,120 Speaker 1: you just say I want the good guy and I'm 657 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:44,560 Speaker 1: gonna do this when I when I feel like I 658 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:47,480 Speaker 1: deserve that, I will. I just am not there yet. 659 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 1: I know, but I'm not there yet. I need more therapy. 660 00:36:51,200 --> 00:36:53,040 Speaker 1: I don't. But what if maybe you don't. What if 661 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:55,719 Speaker 1: you say I'm gonna try this with the good guy. 662 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:59,640 Speaker 1: What if you just I don't know, forced yourself you're strong, 663 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,800 Speaker 1: and then in six months see how it is. Yeah, 664 00:37:02,840 --> 00:37:05,120 Speaker 1: maybe I don't know. I just I think it's different 665 00:37:05,160 --> 00:37:09,080 Speaker 1: because like kids, and honestly, like I don't want I 666 00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:11,680 Speaker 1: don't want to fail. I just I feel like a 667 00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:14,920 Speaker 1: relationship failure. So I just I'm like, I just it's 668 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:19,239 Speaker 1: easier just to just to heal. And then I don't think. 669 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,879 Speaker 1: So you have you're very like a serial monogamous. You've 670 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: had these long, what I consider successful relationships. They just 671 00:37:28,200 --> 00:37:34,279 Speaker 1: weren't perfect. Well, nothing's perfect, but those they were just destructive. 672 00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:39,480 Speaker 1: So there will be with a good guy or not 673 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,880 Speaker 1: a good guy. There will never be a perfect relationship. 674 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,560 Speaker 1: It just don't be aking bomb going off every two minutes. Okay, like, 675 00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:52,920 Speaker 1: that's that's the difference. You can't do worse. Yeah, I'm like, 676 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,680 Speaker 1: don't hit me, don't cheat on me, and please don't 677 00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:00,640 Speaker 1: say mean words to me. Like the bar is very low. 678 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:03,680 Speaker 1: People like and that's very sad. You just had a 679 00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:05,719 Speaker 1: good time. Now, Okay, I have another question, because I 680 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,760 Speaker 1: get this. Do you think you could date data around? 681 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,239 Speaker 1: I'm not a dator, I'm not like I just I 682 00:38:11,239 --> 00:38:13,839 Speaker 1: don't do well at that. I'm like, like, I don't 683 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:15,520 Speaker 1: know how to date. I don't like games, like I 684 00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,640 Speaker 1: don't like to Texas, but like, I just don't like it. 685 00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:20,600 Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, it's not my thing. Seems kind of 686 00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:23,280 Speaker 1: bananas to me. But like, is that what you're supposed 687 00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:27,200 Speaker 1: to try? Are you supposed to try that dating multiple people? 688 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:30,479 Speaker 1: I mean that sounds miserable and one of the reasons 689 00:38:30,560 --> 00:38:33,480 Speaker 1: why I didn't want to get divorced. Yeah, I was like, 690 00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:36,840 Speaker 1: I don't want to date. It sounds awful. Would you 691 00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:40,080 Speaker 1: ever be the Bachelor? Would you ever be the Bachelorette? Oh? 692 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:43,360 Speaker 1: My okay, First of all, I'd be like the grandma 693 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:48,600 Speaker 1: of the bachelorettes, like so old thirty because thirty eight 694 00:38:48,640 --> 00:38:51,480 Speaker 1: in December, So I don't think they would ever ever, 695 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:55,360 Speaker 1: um pretend? Who cares? Would you do it? And do 696 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:58,919 Speaker 1: you think that you would thrive in that situation? Could 697 00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:03,839 Speaker 1: you pull that off? I could never be a bachelorette, like, 698 00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,160 Speaker 1: you know, I can never be like on the Bachelor, 699 00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:08,200 Speaker 1: like with a bunch of other girls, Like it would 700 00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:12,720 Speaker 1: just be too hard for me. Like, but I could actually, 701 00:39:12,719 --> 00:39:14,319 Speaker 1: I take that back. It'd be fun to like form 702 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:17,120 Speaker 1: relationships and not care about the guy. But no, I 703 00:39:17,120 --> 00:39:20,399 Speaker 1: would do the bachelorette. Yeah, I would do it. Yeah. 704 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:23,160 Speaker 1: I think that's sort of like conducive to you. Well, 705 00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:26,960 Speaker 1: that's okay. I have so many questions could you do apps? 706 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:30,560 Speaker 1: Like could you go on apps? Well? I said a 707 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,719 Speaker 1: few weeks ago that I've like, I've been on and 708 00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:36,279 Speaker 1: off of a dating app because I'm like this, I 709 00:39:36,320 --> 00:39:39,080 Speaker 1: hate that thing. And then because my friend Caitlin was like, 710 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:42,080 Speaker 1: you know, you're not getting any connections because you have 711 00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:44,200 Speaker 1: photo of your kids up and I'm like, well, there, 712 00:39:44,200 --> 00:39:46,080 Speaker 1: I'm a mom, Like I'm gonna put a picture of 713 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:48,840 Speaker 1: my kids like and so I just kind of go 714 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 1: I just I'm not like, what about just the old, 715 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:55,120 Speaker 1: good old set up? How do you feel about that? 716 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,160 Speaker 1: Like somebody just set you up, Like I could do 717 00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:00,879 Speaker 1: a set up for you, Like you don't even know 718 00:40:01,600 --> 00:40:04,560 Speaker 1: really lining up. I've got guys that are begging me, 719 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:11,360 Speaker 1: that is, but would you do it? I just I 720 00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:14,279 Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know, like who, well, I mean 721 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:15,919 Speaker 1: now I need to really put my mind to it. 722 00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:18,640 Speaker 1: She's like, no, one, no, no, no, I do have 723 00:40:18,719 --> 00:40:22,680 Speaker 1: a few, and it's like I think I can't. Set 724 00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:27,520 Speaker 1: ups are tricky, but I think they could work for 725 00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:30,360 Speaker 1: you because you have to turn it over to somebody 726 00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:33,839 Speaker 1: else going this person knows, this guy is an all 727 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:38,839 Speaker 1: around good guy. That's okay. Well, let's just what's your 728 00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:41,719 Speaker 1: age range? And well, can they be out of Nashville. 729 00:40:41,880 --> 00:40:43,879 Speaker 1: Let's just do this, let's just play with it. Oh 730 00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:48,480 Speaker 1: my gosh, um no, I'm good. I'm just gonna focus 731 00:40:48,560 --> 00:40:52,280 Speaker 1: on me. No no, no, no, no no. What would 732 00:40:52,280 --> 00:40:55,799 Speaker 1: be the ultimate age range? And can they be in California? 733 00:40:56,120 --> 00:41:02,080 Speaker 1: They can be wherever they want? Um, thirties six too? 734 00:41:03,680 --> 00:41:15,560 Speaker 1: Can we lower it to like thirty two that I 735 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,840 Speaker 1: had that last time didn't work? Okay, but you know 736 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:20,239 Speaker 1: what's a positive And I have other friends in very 737 00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:24,080 Speaker 1: similar situations to you. You're laughing, and you're open to it. 738 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:27,080 Speaker 1: I think that that is a step in the right direction. 739 00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:30,879 Speaker 1: Like you might not be able to really feel better yet, 740 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,120 Speaker 1: but the light is sort of out there, like I 741 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:35,880 Speaker 1: won't even say it's quite at the end of the tunnel, 742 00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:39,320 Speaker 1: but it's like soon it will be. It's like you're 743 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:41,839 Speaker 1: you're I know you had Like I knew because when 744 00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:45,600 Speaker 1: we texted earlier today, I literally was like, I need 745 00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,960 Speaker 1: to be really steady for Janna right now because she's bummed. 746 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:53,279 Speaker 1: Like you, it's pretty easy for your friends to know, like, oh, yeah, 747 00:41:53,520 --> 00:41:57,480 Speaker 1: my I wear my emotions like, yeah, like my friend 748 00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,920 Speaker 1: because I'm like Janna having an s H I T 749 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:05,319 Speaker 1: T y day. We gotta have her back. And so 750 00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:07,560 Speaker 1: my thing is like you work through it, and I 751 00:42:07,600 --> 00:42:10,000 Speaker 1: know you're in pain, but you're also like laughing and 752 00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:14,359 Speaker 1: open to these things we're talking about it. Yeah. I mean, 753 00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:18,920 Speaker 1: before I would date anyone, though, I would, I would, 754 00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:21,960 Speaker 1: I would um, I would try out the good guy first. 755 00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:25,719 Speaker 1: I think you have to be good guys only, and 756 00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:27,759 Speaker 1: if they're a little bit boring, you need to give 757 00:42:27,800 --> 00:42:32,600 Speaker 1: them ten more tries. Well, Amy, how's that going for 758 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:35,920 Speaker 1: you in your relationship? That is that going good? For you, Janna, 759 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:42,960 Speaker 1: those who cannot do teach so like everything you experience, 760 00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:46,640 Speaker 1: I fully understand because it's hard to be for some reason. 761 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:50,880 Speaker 1: I use attraction to be attracted to the dull nice guy. 762 00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:53,120 Speaker 1: We're gonna get a lot of emails from the nice 763 00:42:53,200 --> 00:42:58,640 Speaker 1: guys going f you. But it's like, sometimes you girls 764 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:02,680 Speaker 1: are attracted to that bad boy. Yeah, I explain that 765 00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:06,120 Speaker 1: to me. Well, we'll have to get Dr Hillary back 766 00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:11,080 Speaker 1: on for that, but yeah, um, but we will do 767 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:13,279 Speaker 1: that some other time. Maybe we'll bring Graham on and 768 00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:15,440 Speaker 1: he can he can talk about the good guys and 769 00:43:15,520 --> 00:43:19,080 Speaker 1: when when uh, and you know, how they're doing out there. 770 00:43:19,719 --> 00:43:21,640 Speaker 1: We definitely should because I would love to hear his 771 00:43:21,800 --> 00:43:27,319 Speaker 1: perspective of dealing with women like you who are attracted 772 00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:31,160 Speaker 1: when he's like, I'm great, yeah, And I love his 773 00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:33,880 Speaker 1: confidence to like he's like, you know, I'm not gonna 774 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:36,960 Speaker 1: wait around, but I'm also, you know, gonna And he's 775 00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:39,879 Speaker 1: so handsome. Did you look at his Instagram last week? 776 00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:41,960 Speaker 1: Because he posted a picture like in the back of 777 00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:47,399 Speaker 1: a truck and I was like, dude, he's very handsome, right, 778 00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,680 Speaker 1: so why can't you just throw caution to the wind 779 00:43:49,680 --> 00:43:53,520 Speaker 1: and try it? Amy I have healing to do. Stop 780 00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:56,080 Speaker 1: trying to make the betch happen. It's not gonna happen. 781 00:43:56,960 --> 00:44:03,520 Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm interrupting your knee time. Jesus all right, dying, 782 00:44:04,000 --> 00:44:06,080 Speaker 1: We'll keep working through it. I love you so much. 783 00:44:06,120 --> 00:44:08,400 Speaker 1: Thanks for making me last. I went from following my 784 00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:11,279 Speaker 1: eyes out to laughing. So I appreciate y'all. I love you, 785 00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:14,160 Speaker 1: and I hope you see yourself the way everyone else 786 00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:16,960 Speaker 1: sees you, that you're just trying to figure this crap 787 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:19,759 Speaker 1: out exactly. And I'm and I'm sorry that, um, you 788 00:44:19,840 --> 00:44:22,600 Speaker 1: all just heard this UM one on one conversation with 789 00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:26,279 Speaker 1: me and Amy on my producer. But hopefully we all 790 00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:29,160 Speaker 1: know that we deserve the good guy and UM, but 791 00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:31,160 Speaker 1: you have to do your work. You're healing and you 792 00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:33,440 Speaker 1: need to know that you're enough. And just like me, 793 00:44:33,520 --> 00:44:37,880 Speaker 1: I tattooed it on so one day, you know, I 794 00:44:37,920 --> 00:44:40,759 Speaker 1: don't know. We'll figure it out. Stay tuned for next 795 00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:40,960 Speaker 1: week