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Speaker 1: Welcome to Ja Dot Dem, a production of I Heart Radio.

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Speaker 1: What's Up? What's Up? What's Up? This is Jill Scott.

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Speaker 1: This this j dot L Home Girls, La Sinclair and

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Speaker 1: j Asa Asia Danzler. You are pulling together Jill and

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Speaker 1: Asa at the same time. But you've got mad names,

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Speaker 1: Asian your mad names. I know it's been it's but

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Speaker 1: I'm very busy, right so we're just trying to pull

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Speaker 1: it all in together. It's one of those days. I

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Speaker 1: promise you're like out, Yeah, I ain't that some ship

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Speaker 1: to have off day. It's one of those for me.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. It might it might be canceled everything,

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Speaker 1: nap day. M hmm, I'm coming up that. I think

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Speaker 1: it could be that day. Is that day? If you

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Speaker 1: decide it's that day. I have much to do on

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Speaker 1: this day, uh says to you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to add stuff and be gus. I'm

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Speaker 1: all that. If you want to water, do that, go ahead,

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Speaker 1: delicious and nutritious. You know you gotta be careful because

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Speaker 1: folks will be like, oh, she's an alcoholic. No, you

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Speaker 1: do know how to write a song about that cocktail though,

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Speaker 1: I'll tell you that I wrote a song about a

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Speaker 1: contain Oh to get let me talking about Crown Royal. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's not a cocktail. That's not a cocktail. Spirit, it's

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Speaker 1: it's it's a spirit, okay, right, Uh, this is a

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Speaker 1: particular way to enjoy a spirit on ice. Understanding is

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Speaker 1: a mixed curve, a mixture of things, correct, correct, with

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Speaker 1: a little juice, little soda, little that's so that right, bright,

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Speaker 1: multiple things. See, I thought I was being deep. I

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Speaker 1: had never actually had crow. I'm gonna fight you today today, knuckle.

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Speaker 1: Actually before I was talking about putting the gentleman on

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Speaker 1: ice like Mary Jane like this, this is like a metaphor. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about the beverage at all.

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Speaker 1: But you know, shout out the Crown Royal for sitting

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Speaker 1: me on tour one time. I appreciate that. Yeah. But

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Speaker 1: you got a lot of I got in one. I got.

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Speaker 1: I got kind of stuff in the purpose waute hold

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Speaker 1: of circle back insect gone, yeah, you go a little

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Speaker 1: con that's a black ship right there. I got one

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Speaker 1: with the Bobby pears an insect. Yes man, yeah right

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Speaker 1: right right, So today I got one. I hid my

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Speaker 1: feminine products and do you that would be kind of cool,

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Speaker 1: though you couldn't use that back for that not for nothing.

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Speaker 1: Travel it's a hack. That's a travel hack. It's a

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Speaker 1: travel hack. Or jewelry, not that I have a plethora

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Speaker 1: of Crown Royal bags. By the way, this episode today,

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Speaker 1: we're gonna be talking about mistresses. Yeah, we got I mean,

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Speaker 1: do you never have to admit much on this thing here,

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Speaker 1: but if you want to, I like to speak from experience.

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Speaker 1: So I have been the woman and I have been

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Speaker 1: the mistress. I've been both of these things and uh yeah,

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Speaker 1: not proud of the mistress portion of the show and

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Speaker 1: not happy about being the woman either that gets cheated on,

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Speaker 1: you know, neither did me let me ask the question

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Speaker 1: was the person did you? Did you have it back

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Speaker 1: to back? Because you know, like the whole thing where

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Speaker 1: people say is if you get with somebody and through

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Speaker 1: that portal, they're gonna turn around and do the same

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Speaker 1: thing to you. That's always the you know, the talk.

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Speaker 1: I personally have seen it work after a person was

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Speaker 1: with their mistress and they married to him a long

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Speaker 1: long time. Yeah, I've seen that too. But I've also

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Speaker 1: seen that when the uh when the guy leaves his

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Speaker 1: wife that he ends up cheating on the mistress too.

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Speaker 1: But you know, it's just a goddamn cheater. He's just

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Speaker 1: a cheater. It's just the way that it is, because

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Speaker 1: after a while, a mistress isn't a mistress. You keep

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Speaker 1: him for too long and she just becomes your woman

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Speaker 1: and then yeah, it's not the same. Let's see. That's

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Speaker 1: the thing. I thought that a mistress is a long

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Speaker 1: term mate that you have whilst married, And I thought

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Speaker 1: an affair is just okay, you had a little situation,

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Speaker 1: has some sex, and boom, you did wrong. It's over,

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Speaker 1: so it's no difference. No, I looked that up. I

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Speaker 1: looked the mistress part up and she's right. It says

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Speaker 1: that a woman having a well a person having an

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Speaker 1: extra mental sexual relationship, especially with a married person. So

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Speaker 1: maybe I think a mistress is more officient when it's

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Speaker 1: someone that is married. An affair can be on a relationship, yeah,

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Speaker 1: married or not. Okay, okay, that makes sense that right. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: So why we only have a title for women who

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Speaker 1: have relationships with married people? What's the male mistress? What's

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Speaker 1: the male mistress? Somebody knock on the door, somebody just

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Speaker 1: read the uh that ain't got no name. What is

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Speaker 1: a male cheater called? Uh a Mr jiggerlow? Now jigger

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Speaker 1: ain't money, They get paid, you know what I mean. See,

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Speaker 1: that's Asian. You just did. She just opened the door

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Speaker 1: because we're good. We're good to vilify women in a situation,

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Speaker 1: not saying that some people. There are some people who

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Speaker 1: don't care. And I know that there are some people

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Speaker 1: who prefer married men. But of the group, I venture

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Speaker 1: to say that's a small number. That's just me. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know I didn't go into my mistresshood willingly. You

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Speaker 1: got lied to right here. I don't say I've got

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Speaker 1: lied too. I'm just gonna say I went in there unwillingly.

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Speaker 1: You know, things transpired, the relationship change course, and I

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Speaker 1: didn't really wanted to change course, but the physicality of

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Speaker 1: it wanted it to change course. Even know, man, I

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Speaker 1: would fight that joint every time, like okay, right me.

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Speaker 1: First of all, that's that, that's that's not unwillingly. You

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Speaker 1: still decide that that you decided you was gonna do

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Speaker 1: it just because you felt bad about the ship. Let

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Speaker 1: me just say this, the excuses are no a void.

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Speaker 1: I don't have no excuse. I mean, that's why I

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Speaker 1: knew I was alone for a long time after, Nor

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Speaker 1: do I. I don't have any excuses. I the reality

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Speaker 1: is I was very, very lonely, and I was looking

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Speaker 1: for something and I found I found what I was

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Speaker 1: looking for. And that, to my to my to my shame,

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Speaker 1: to my shame, I'm not proud of that in any way,

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Speaker 1: shape or form. Luckily, though, um, I woke up one

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Speaker 1: morning and realized exactly what it was that I was doing.

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Speaker 1: I was all in these people's business, all in their

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Speaker 1: lives and shouldn't have been, and I did the best

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Speaker 1: I could to maneuver him back in the direction of

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Speaker 1: the woman that actually loves his ass all who who

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Speaker 1: was the who? You? Was in a business? Who offered

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Speaker 1: the business? See, that's the thing, and what was the

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Speaker 1: business that was told? Because what I have heard and

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Speaker 1: what I have witnessed is that mugs, mugs are able

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Speaker 1: to concoct the narrative you feel me, narrative in which

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Speaker 1: they're able to manipulate the loneliness of one woman and

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Speaker 1: the perceived shortcomings of another woman. So they get in

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Speaker 1: there and they say, listen, I ain't getting no sex

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Speaker 1: at home they do. She don't cook, she don't clean,

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Speaker 1: she don't even like me, she talk to what you

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Speaker 1: think it is a So what happens is that's lonely

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Speaker 1: and upset. It's like, all right, boom, I'm all those things,

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Speaker 1: and I feel bad for this man, good man Savannah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I wasn't that. I wasn't that naive. But I hear,

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Speaker 1: yeah it isn't. I mean, I'm just saying at the

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Speaker 1: core of it, and you still a conscients that he's

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Speaker 1: just cheating with you. Yeah, I mean, I'm not trying

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Speaker 1: to paint it as this massive naive situation. We're all

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Speaker 1: grown up here. You make choices. But I still think

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Speaker 1: there's a lot of manipulation there, particularly from the men involved.

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Speaker 1: When it is when that is the case, that um

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Speaker 1: that they draw up this story and the story fits

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Speaker 1: the narrative. Yes, I just don't think that there's any

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Speaker 1: excuses for it. I think that even the quote unquote

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Speaker 1: best of women, if I may, you know, can get

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Speaker 1: to a point where they're so uh lonely that they're

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Speaker 1: willing to accept a piece of a man instead of

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Speaker 1: having a whole one and willing to accept yo man,

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Speaker 1: you know, and that's a that's a big problem because

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Speaker 1: you cannot win. This is what I learned. You cannot

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Speaker 1: win by causing someone else harm. It just does not work.

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Speaker 1: Life does not work that um. You know, whatever whatever

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Speaker 1: the war mongers might think and the white supremacists or

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Speaker 1: hateful people may think, you do not win by doing

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Speaker 1: other people harm. It just doesn't work. Period. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: like I said, excuses, but to a room. At the

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Speaker 1: same time, I got in the middle of some things

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Speaker 1: and just should not have been there, and I had

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Speaker 1: to pay for it. And I hope that that payment

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Speaker 1: is is done in completely. Now. It was many years ago.

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Speaker 1: They are together and happily married. They called me occasionally

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Speaker 1: to see how I'm doing. I said, they didn't to

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Speaker 1: see how I'm doing, and we should chat for a minute.

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Speaker 1: And I oddly enough, you know, I asked questions like

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Speaker 1: y'all still kissing in the mouth? First of all, God

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Speaker 1: bless us, I would not. That's what I said. That's

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Speaker 1: what I said. What yeah, nigger we call it? Who? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: They though, I think they do. I think they feel

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Speaker 1: that way, and they are. She is an exceptional woman.

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Speaker 1: I think she's an exceptional I said, Look here, there

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Speaker 1: is no way in the world I'm ever going to

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Speaker 1: be home at six o'clock with dinner on the table.

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Speaker 1: I'm never going to be her ever. So I know

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Speaker 1: that that's what you're used to. I know that I'm

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Speaker 1: you know, fanciful right now and exciting to you right now.

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Speaker 1: We don't have bills to pay together, we don't have

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Speaker 1: children and raised together. We don't have a car, we

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Speaker 1: don't have a business. We have nothing together but these times,

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Speaker 1: and it's not healthy. And um, I don't like living lies,

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Speaker 1: and I can't imagine that you would either, So you

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Speaker 1: know this has to stop. And it did, and it did,

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Speaker 1: and luckily, like I said, they were able to hold

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Speaker 1: their marriage together and enjoy each other. And I call

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Speaker 1: them on their anniversary. Jesus, listen, Jill, stop calling them

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Speaker 1: on the anniver Don't call them on that. Don't call them,

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Speaker 1: don't when you think you want because for real, real, Jill,

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Speaker 1: do you think that if you was not and not

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Speaker 1: even you for my famous sense, but a combination of

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Speaker 1: that and who you are and con seems to me

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Speaker 1: in a way, do you think that because the random check,

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Speaker 1: do you think she had this experience? I doubt it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I doubt it. But I've had so many experiences that

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Speaker 1: other people would not have, and and that's just my

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Speaker 1: whole life, so so so many experiences that I just

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Speaker 1: think I'm a unicorn, like in a lot of ways,

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Speaker 1: you know, um, but like they don't invite you into

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Speaker 1: the three song. No, those uh, those invitations are not accepted.

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Speaker 1: They never did, they never did, you know. But I'm

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Speaker 1: happy to know that there Asia is flipped out. Look

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Speaker 1: at her. She don't know. Oh no, I'm not flipped

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Speaker 1: I'm listening. I'm not flipped out. I feel that a

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Speaker 1: woman should make whatever choices she wants. I'm saying that

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Speaker 1: right over here at a twenty that I would not

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Speaker 1: do that. However, I felt like, hey, you know, you

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Speaker 1: got whatever floats your boat. I do will. I will

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Speaker 1: say this though, and I actually don't mean this specifically

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Speaker 1: about what Jill said, but I just hear this a

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Speaker 1: lot that when women take men back from these situations.

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Speaker 1: It's like there's this this thing that I see people do,

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Speaker 1: particularly men, though, where they say, oh, she's such a

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Speaker 1: great woman or she's such an awesome woman. And I

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Speaker 1: sometimes I think some women get caught up in that

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Speaker 1: ship where they think that they're that as a woman,

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Speaker 1: that being a good woman means being able to you know, ums,

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Speaker 1: get five, we have well to survive all of this

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Speaker 1: pain and that men men hand out these crowns. Oh

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Speaker 1: my wife is amazing. Whoa because you tried to kill

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Speaker 1: her with your infidelity and your dishonesty. Now she's a

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Speaker 1: good woman. And I think what that does is it

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Speaker 1: sets up a situation for a lot of other women

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Speaker 1: to where they'd be thinking, oh, in order to be

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Speaker 1: a good woman, I gotta yeah the funk that. And

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Speaker 1: it's the thing and and and that's one thing I

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Speaker 1: really will give to millennials and really to jim z eers.

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Speaker 1: They ain't messing with struggle love. They need struggle love

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Speaker 1: to us. They like, y'all got that. That's gonna be

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Speaker 1: interesting with the whole concept of that. Some believe that,

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Speaker 1: you know, some people just inherently can't be monogamous, monogamous.

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Speaker 1: I can't even look, I can't even say the word

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Speaker 1: that means monogamous, monogamous. They can't just leave me. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that just don't feel Is that right, Jill? Is that

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Speaker 1: it's so crazy? Is that because what, well, what y'all

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Speaker 1: feel about the poly it's called polyamorous. I just found

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Speaker 1: out my cousin is in a polyamorous relationship because we

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Speaker 1: and it tripped me out because I was like, you're broke.

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Speaker 1: I don't understand. He's a he's the man, and it's

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Speaker 1: two women to why women, you're kind? I never understood

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Speaker 1: why a woman can't have two men. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: understand it because men can't know. I'm telling you, I've

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Speaker 1: just met an article about a woman like that. Who

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Speaker 1: is she? I love her? She has her own Instagram page. Listen, ship,

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Speaker 1: let me find it, y'all pause, Hold on, I go

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Speaker 1: right ahead. I love that. I think if you are,

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Speaker 1: if you're capable, then I don't understand why you can't.

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Speaker 1: I just don't get that. No, I'm not. I guess

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Speaker 1: I'm not a post I did and I did watch

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Speaker 1: Big Love and enjoy it. But that's the thing. It's like,

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Speaker 1: if if all things are fair and equal, it's just

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Speaker 1: that's hard. That's a hard goal. It would be fair

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Speaker 1: and equal. With fair and equal, I don't know if

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Speaker 1: you have imbalance. It all depends on what the other

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Speaker 1: person requires. Maybe your other meet only needs to see

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Speaker 1: you because they're s sufficient and busy. So the name

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Speaker 1: of her page is Progressive Progressive Underscore Love Underscore Academy,

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Speaker 1: and she is married to two men. She also has

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Speaker 1: a boyfriend. She has two children, one from each of

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Speaker 1: her husband's and they are both older, like as in

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Speaker 1: college students. I'm sorry, progressive what was the other part?

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Speaker 1: Progressive Underscore Loved Score Academy. Continue, I'm sorry. I think

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Speaker 1: she's a hero. This is interesting because and I think

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Speaker 1: her boyfriend counts as a male mistress, so we need

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Speaker 1: to ask her what is he called? I feel like cheery.

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Speaker 1: I think that that's so fair if you're a woman

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Speaker 1: that could could uh love and care for uh two men.

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Speaker 1: I just I think it's fair your I've just lit up, y'all.

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Speaker 1: They did. It seems like such this odd thing. But

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Speaker 1: powerful women may want more than one mate. Powerful men

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Speaker 1: do they want? She teaches this stuff. We have to

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Speaker 1: talk to her, y'all. She's like, she's like, i'd see

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Speaker 1: her comment in somebody. These are skills and tools we

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Speaker 1: train at the p l A Academy. Are you there yet? What? Oh?

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Speaker 1: I'm so following her. I just I'm curious and interested,

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Speaker 1: not that I wanted because I don't I prefer to

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Speaker 1: have one man that I literally have only the patience

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Speaker 1: for a single feel me. Yeah, yeah, that's just the

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Speaker 1: way that I have made Yes. But but but, like

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Speaker 1: I said, the polyamorous community seems to also have ditched

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Speaker 1: a lot of the gender norms. So when you go

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Speaker 1: into that community, yeah, like whereas you when in like

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Speaker 1: polygamy or traditional polygamy, which isn't necessarily cheating or mistressing,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's like it's very paternal, it's very many

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Speaker 1: only kind of club dad. But in the polyamorous community,

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Speaker 1: it seems as though that they kind of ditch a

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Speaker 1: lot of those gender norms and a lot of those

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Speaker 1: kind of systems. But you know, like I said, we

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Speaker 1: do know it exists. That's the thing with each other?

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Speaker 1: Do they do the males um? Is? Its a love fest? Girl?

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Speaker 1: I have really don't know what happens over here. She

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Speaker 1: probably to tell us, she wanna tell us. Yeah, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to reach out. Okay, I got one. So

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Speaker 1: what happens when the wife gives permission to the mistress?

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Speaker 1: You are welcome to take him, enjoy him, have him whatever,

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Speaker 1: you listen, whatever flows your boat. I'm trying to tell

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Speaker 1: y'all about eight. All I can really speak on is

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Speaker 1: what happens at this address, and at this particular address.

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Speaker 1: I'm saying, if you're getting the dick, you also have

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Speaker 1: to get the rest of it. You don't get to

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Speaker 1: just get the fun. So unless you're trying to share all,

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Speaker 1: so damn you open to a polyamorous Now see now

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Speaker 1: I'm not okay, I'm closed. I'm closed for business bus closed.

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Speaker 1: Then you hear me. We don't have no hours of

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Speaker 1: for that. What I'm saying is that there's no way

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Speaker 1: I would give permission for it. Like listen, listen, child,

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Speaker 1: you're gonna have to baby say some of these kids

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Speaker 1: or something like I can't just be over there enjoying life.

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Speaker 1: This is something you might have. A friend who her

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Speaker 1: her husband was messing with a woman, a mistress for

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Speaker 1: quite some time and decided that he wanted to end

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Speaker 1: the marriage and move on with the mistress. And what

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Speaker 1: she did was she dropped the children off and said,

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Speaker 1: you want him, you want this life, You're welcome to

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Speaker 1: have it. I will see them in the summer. It's

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Speaker 1: two of you. You, the two of you are capable

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Speaker 1: of raising children. I am a single woman, now and

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Speaker 1: I have to do an entire life. So I'll see

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Speaker 1: them in the summer. We'll playing amazing summers while I

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Speaker 1: stack up my money and get my whole self together.

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Speaker 1: For she is my hero. She is he's a hero.

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Speaker 1: I have a question for y'all. So you're the wife,

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Speaker 1: do you do the confrontation thing? I always wondered about that.

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Speaker 1: Are you a confrontation person who you're feeling like, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna go talk to this chick. You're gonna talk like

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Speaker 1: on some barber styles when you've been on the flip side?

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Speaker 1: Do you do you tell homeboy that, Okay, you did

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Speaker 1: what you did, Go clean your mass, come back when

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Speaker 1: it's done. Do I know R? Do you know? Do

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Speaker 1: she know? I exist? Factors? You know it's factors. It's like,

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Speaker 1: do I know her? You find her, and this is

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00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:10,560
Speaker 1: a big thing. You find text messages or emails and

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00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,359
Speaker 1: you're able to do a little bit of light detective

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Speaker 1: work and you find her. You know where she lives,

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Speaker 1: you know where she worked. He don't even know that.

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Speaker 1: You know, you got all that's all him and feel

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Speaker 1: like it's like now I have to prove to say

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Speaker 1: something to him. Unless she is like a girlfriend of mine,

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Speaker 1: and then we got a problem, then we got a problem,

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Speaker 1: then we have a problem. I feel like I want

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Speaker 1: to talk to her, like I want to. I feel

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00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,960
Speaker 1: like I want to know what this nigga been saying

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Speaker 1: about me, you feel it. I feel like we gotta

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00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:49,960
Speaker 1: talk because even if she's not an ally, I just

337
00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:54,119
Speaker 1: feel like that's only because she don't know the truth.

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00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,680
Speaker 1: Like I'm like, I need to. I need to sift

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00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,520
Speaker 1: through this thing and find out what's popping us that.

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00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,040
Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to determine the amount of

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00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 1: forgiveness I'm going to, Uh, I'm gonna put out. I

342
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,000
Speaker 1: need to do a quick audit because I need to

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Speaker 1: find out did he did he give you a story?

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00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:16,080
Speaker 1: You know? Is it a lie? Like what's going on here?

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00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:19,360
Speaker 1: How did this happen? So I just need to kind

346
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:21,600
Speaker 1: of hear that. Not saying that I I trust her,

347
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 1: but I feel like I trust the person on the

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00:25:24,160 --> 00:25:26,200
Speaker 1: other side a little bit more than I do the husband.

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00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:31,280
Speaker 1: I just do that, especially now I feel like I

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Speaker 1: do because I'm just like, m that's a whole you

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00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,880
Speaker 1: know what Asian? Your answer that was such a whole,

352
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,440
Speaker 1: Like I'm a whole wife, I've been married for a while,

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00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,520
Speaker 1: and you have really thought about that in that way

354
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,280
Speaker 1: like that's ill, it's very mature. But yeah, well I

355
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:46,040
Speaker 1: don't know. I mean, I would say I don't know

356
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:48,440
Speaker 1: if I like super thought about it. Because here's the thing.

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Speaker 1: I don't really care about what my husband does when

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Speaker 1: he's out of my eyesight. What I care about, honestly,

359
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 1: at the end of the day is how I feel.

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00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:05,480
Speaker 1: If I feel secure. Um, I feel secure. When I

361
00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,480
Speaker 1: don't feel secure, I gotta get to the bottom of

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00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:11,720
Speaker 1: why that. That's my issue there. It's like, I don't

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Speaker 1: I don't want a person I gotta chase after I

364
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,879
Speaker 1: don't want a person I got to look through that phone.

365
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:18,479
Speaker 1: If I have to look through your phone, there's an

366
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,879
Speaker 1: issue there. Really to address that, the fact that I

367
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:26,200
Speaker 1: even feel like I gotta look, that's the problem for me. Yeah,

368
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 1: I ain't never been that girl. What girl? The girl?

369
00:26:30,920 --> 00:26:37,560
Speaker 1: I haven't m hmm, Have I ever been that girl? No? Um,

370
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:43,119
Speaker 1: every relationship that I've been in, I've had always had

371
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Speaker 1: the code to the phone if I wanted it. But

372
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 1: did you look, like periodically would you just look just

373
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Speaker 1: to you know? No, I used the phone? You know,

374
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:55,600
Speaker 1: but I didn't look through anything. I'm not looking. I

375
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:59,280
Speaker 1: think that everything in the dark comes to like anyway. Well,

376
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,680
Speaker 1: if you don't me asking how did you find out

377
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,160
Speaker 1: about the affair when you were the person on the side,

378
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:06,960
Speaker 1: if you feel like talking about it, I'm just if

379
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 1: it wasn't finding it in the phone. Oh, I knew,

380
00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:29,879
Speaker 1: I knew, I was aware. I got the sad story.

381
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 1: You know, I was already half crazy, lonely by, you know,

382
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 1: with myself, and then uh, you know, his story was

383
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,080
Speaker 1: that he was lonely and you know there was no communication,

384
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:44,200
Speaker 1: and you know, blah blah blah blah blah. What what

385
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 1: married men say? That is the That is the truth

386
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 1: that right there, that is what married men say. They're

387
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,480
Speaker 1: going to say that. They're gonna say they're lonely. They're

388
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: gonna say she doesn't talk. They're gonna say they don't

389
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,920
Speaker 1: have sex. They're gonna say these things. So be mindful

390
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:05,680
Speaker 1: if you don't want you feeling to her, you know,

391
00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,399
Speaker 1: be mindful because that's the line. Those are the lines.

392
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:13,720
Speaker 1: You don't understand me. She didn't support me. But then

393
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,040
Speaker 1: you know, I hate to do this. But then there's

394
00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:20,920
Speaker 1: that eight little thing you know, I know, I know,

395
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,720
Speaker 1: but it's it's it's valid. Oh yeah, I've been using

396
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,479
Speaker 1: it ever since. Yeah, that's the best thing that ever

397
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:31,879
Speaker 1: came out of wanted to move. Yes, yes, it's it's valid.

398
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:34,639
Speaker 1: You know, you might be getting in what you need

399
00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: at home and missing twenty and that twenty show. It

400
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 1: look good until that's all you're getting, until that's it.

401
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,280
Speaker 1: She can't make a sandwich, she don't. You know, there's

402
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:49,240
Speaker 1: no no deep, deeper conversation than what's on uh, you

403
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,000
Speaker 1: know whatever blog or whatever that is, you know, and

404
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 1: then you're just stuck with this beautiful fool and now

405
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 1: what now what for you? You know, that's that's a

406
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,320
Speaker 1: heavy line to carry, that's a that's a road of toe.

407
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:08,840
Speaker 1: You don't want that they Yeah, but I still I

408
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,280
Speaker 1: still circle back to the fact that if you build

409
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:14,200
Speaker 1: a thing on a lie and there you have it,

410
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,840
Speaker 1: you know, it doesn't have anything to stand or so really,

411
00:29:17,880 --> 00:29:19,800
Speaker 1: I'm not even sure if it's the shortcoming of the

412
00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: person you chose more than it's just the fact that, well,

413
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:30,040
Speaker 1: it's built on b s. A lot of times I

414
00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:34,720
Speaker 1: noticed that we uh women, I guess I would assume

415
00:29:34,760 --> 00:29:40,480
Speaker 1: this men too. You ignore the signs. If he started

416
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: off cheating, or when you were his girlfriend and he

417
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:48,160
Speaker 1: was cheating, what makes you think that this person isn't

418
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:52,320
Speaker 1: accustomed to these kinds of tactics. That is not that

419
00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:54,640
Speaker 1: it's somehow all of a sudden, you got married and

420
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 1: it's beneath him. That's that's the same homie, and he's

421
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 1: gonna do the same kind a dirt that he was

422
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,360
Speaker 1: doing when you guys were dating. Because I always wonder

423
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: how many times do you forgive? Like recently, I won't

424
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 1: say who it is, but a person who um is

425
00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 1: in the religious community got caught out there for a

426
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:18,320
Speaker 1: third time cheating on his wife. After he went on

427
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,720
Speaker 1: a whole full campaign about how his wife was amazing

428
00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:27,320
Speaker 1: and about how she was so mature and still he

429
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: had to grow into being with her and all this stuff.

430
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: He wasn't mature enough to handle her, bought her a

431
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 1: whole bunch of expensive gifts, and then turned right back

432
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,520
Speaker 1: around and boop, scoop the boom once again, here we are.

433
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:47,160
Speaker 1: Why can't you be better at it? Don't get caught? Huh.

434
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:49,880
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell y'all something interesting. There was a thread

435
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:54,000
Speaker 1: on Twitter where a girl said a men only give

436
00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:59,440
Speaker 1: me advice on relationships. This thread was very telling young

437
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:02,040
Speaker 1: men older men. One of the one things that I

438
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:05,720
Speaker 1: did see was no second chances. We know exactly what

439
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:09,840
Speaker 1: we're doing and we're aware of the consequences. Mm hmmm,

440
00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:17,880
Speaker 1: mm hmmm. Wow, I thought that was fascinated. I wonder

441
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:20,440
Speaker 1: if it was if it's if it's vice versa. I

442
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:22,560
Speaker 1: guess did they feel that about their mates as well? Like,

443
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 1: because you know, not for nothing, we can't make it

444
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 1: so that men are the only ones that cheat. So

445
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:30,400
Speaker 1: I'm like, so, did she gets no chances? Either's no toleance,

446
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:35,680
Speaker 1: zero tolerance rule. Maybe who knows. I guess I'm just

447
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 1: saying that at the end of the day. Now, for me,

448
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 1: I just want to be honest. Honesty and communication, those

449
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,480
Speaker 1: are my things. So I want to know what's happening

450
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:53,760
Speaker 1: with my relationship. So there's a part of me, out

451
00:31:53,800 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 1: of curiosity and and growth that I want to know

452
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,480
Speaker 1: how we got here. Which leads me to a question

453
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 1: for the both of y'all, what is worse a physical

454
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:14,960
Speaker 1: cheated relationship or a non physical cheating relationship? What's worse? Yeah, Like,

455
00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 1: you find out basically, you find out he has been

456
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: with someone, he's he's been spending time with someone. It

457
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 1: hasn't been physical, but they've been spending all a lot

458
00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:26,200
Speaker 1: of time together that's beyond friendship. Or you find out

459
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 1: that it's just a physical stick thing that he's just me.

460
00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:33,360
Speaker 1: You know, I don't know what's worse. I don't know

461
00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:40,040
Speaker 1: what's worse either way. Either way, it hurts almost leading

462
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 1: to them to spending the time part because that's that's

463
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:48,720
Speaker 1: deep to me, and it's precious. It's really precious. We

464
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:50,920
Speaker 1: don't look at sex the same way, but we could.

465
00:32:51,600 --> 00:32:55,200
Speaker 1: You know that that that we've joined together and you

466
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:58,160
Speaker 1: know you're not supposed to be, you know, sticking me,

467
00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:02,080
Speaker 1: digging nobody else, like that's against the rules. Then we

468
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,360
Speaker 1: talk about that. Yeah, but the agent said we shouldn't

469
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:33,680
Speaker 1: think our things. But so precious remember that. First of all,

470
00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 1: I personally feel that. I mean, I don't think that

471
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 1: certain things is tied to the worth of an individual

472
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 1: anyway whatever anyway, So it's it's equal to y'all. I

473
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 1: just I was just curious because I was like that time,

474
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 1: I feel like it's it's all pain for I feel

475
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 1: I agree with you, it's it's all painful, you know

476
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:53,960
Speaker 1: what I'm saying either way, because sex is a connection

477
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:58,479
Speaker 1: and love making is a connection. And I would assume

478
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,600
Speaker 1: if you marry somebody that you're marrying then because the

479
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:04,480
Speaker 1: sex is more than physical, that the sex is tied

480
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:08,080
Speaker 1: into the emotional and tied into the connection that you

481
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:12,200
Speaker 1: all have. So, you know, it's a hard question for

482
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:14,359
Speaker 1: us three because from what I know of us three,

483
00:34:14,600 --> 00:34:19,120
Speaker 1: we're all three of very sexual people. So I don't know.

484
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:20,719
Speaker 1: I feel like if the question was supposed to a

485
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:24,200
Speaker 1: person who maybe wasn't it, it would be a little different,

486
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,640
Speaker 1: Like if you ain't giving it to your husband and

487
00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:33,680
Speaker 1: he go get it somewhere else versus spending time. Yeah, well,

488
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 1: I guess that's all into what you're able to give.

489
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,080
Speaker 1: Because let me just say this, a woman can be

490
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:42,319
Speaker 1: quote unquote less sexual for a lot of reasons. Could

491
00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:47,400
Speaker 1: be medical, reasons, could be emotional or trauma related when

492
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:51,720
Speaker 1: we talked about that in another podcast. And so again,

493
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,840
Speaker 1: if he goes and get to someplace else, the pain

494
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,360
Speaker 1: from not being able to give that type of connection

495
00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,840
Speaker 1: would be a lot more intense than him talking on

496
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 1: the phone with somebody because you ain't got no time

497
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:08,200
Speaker 1: because you're nursing, or you're doing fifty million other different

498
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:11,480
Speaker 1: dayn things. So I don't know. It all depends on

499
00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:31,560
Speaker 1: the relationship. Deep in Butoana when I lived there, say

500
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:42,920
Speaker 1: they used to have these um billboards up and the

501
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:46,800
Speaker 1: billboards would say don't live in the little house. Something

502
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,080
Speaker 1: like that was paraphrasing me. We just like, don't live

503
00:35:49,120 --> 00:35:51,600
Speaker 1: in the little house. And I, you know, to see

504
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,319
Speaker 1: it on time, I said, well what does that mean? Um,

505
00:35:55,320 --> 00:36:00,200
Speaker 1: when you're married in Butoyana, Um, if you're been in

506
00:36:00,239 --> 00:36:04,080
Speaker 1: the little house, your mistress, the wife lives in the

507
00:36:04,160 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: big house. If you're found out to be having an affair, um,

508
00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 1: people will not do business with you because if your

509
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:18,200
Speaker 1: wife can trust you, how can anyone else. You lose

510
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: the rights to your children because you're not trustworthy to

511
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:29,840
Speaker 1: raise children. And I thought that that was, you know,

512
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:35,360
Speaker 1: pretty free and awesome. One one bad night, just I

513
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:39,880
Speaker 1: thought it was that there was a societal standard that

514
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,200
Speaker 1: wasn't you know something that you talk about in a

515
00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:47,400
Speaker 1: closed room. This is it's a billboard, you know, this

516
00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:49,760
Speaker 1: is not what you live in a little house. Don't

517
00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:52,280
Speaker 1: live in a little house. Don't live in a little house.

518
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:56,239
Speaker 1: I wonder how many little houses there? And I don't

519
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,279
Speaker 1: know if there are many. Um, I haven't been there

520
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: in a in a out eleven twelve years. But that's

521
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:05,399
Speaker 1: what it was when I was there, and I thought,

522
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:10,800
Speaker 1: that's pretty incredible that that there's a societal standard women

523
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,040
Speaker 1: hold on. But who lives in the little house? The man,

524
00:37:13,600 --> 00:37:19,320
Speaker 1: the mistress? This is what don't settle in my spirit?

525
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 1: What doesn't settle in my spirit? Got to live in

526
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,239
Speaker 1: the little house, like put his ass in the little house?

527
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:33,800
Speaker 1: What I think it goes both ways. I think that

528
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:38,200
Speaker 1: if you're a wife, it's probably worse if your wife

529
00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:40,839
Speaker 1: and you found out, if the community finds out you're

530
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:42,719
Speaker 1: having an affair, it's worse for you. It's always worse

531
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 1: with the women. Yeah. I met a friend in Butuana

532
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 1: and we were super cool, just a really nice guy.

533
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:53,160
Speaker 1: And he said, I can't you know, I can't be

534
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:55,520
Speaker 1: a friend. I said, what do you mean? You can't

535
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,480
Speaker 1: be with a friend, Like we're chilling, laughing, busting it up.

536
00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:02,680
Speaker 1: He's like no, because people they think that we're, you know,

537
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 1: having a relationship. And I was like, but we're not,

538
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 1: Like we're never alone alone, Like we're always in public

539
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,280
Speaker 1: somewhere he's like, yes, that I could lose my children.

540
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:21,759
Speaker 1: So and I was like, fair enough, good luck existance,

541
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:28,800
Speaker 1: and you know we should we should complete goodness because

542
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:35,759
Speaker 1: I was like, wow, there are ramifications. I mean, a

543
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,120
Speaker 1: part of me feels like yes, but then a part

544
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:43,839
Speaker 1: of me feels like, hmmm, I don't know. We're all

545
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:49,480
Speaker 1: human beings. We're not above making mistakes and betraying another

546
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:56,320
Speaker 1: person's trust for multiple reasons that are not about our character.

547
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 1: And so brings me back to the beginning of our

548
00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:05,080
Speaker 1: our conversation where it's just like m the willingness to

549
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:08,359
Speaker 1: do a thing comes from a place. Maybe the thing

550
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:12,000
Speaker 1: isn't great, maybe the choice isn't a good one, but

551
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:14,120
Speaker 1: the reason you make it is coming from a place

552
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:17,360
Speaker 1: that should be addressed. We have to stop not addressing that.

553
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,759
Speaker 1: Even in the men who are willing to lie, lie

554
00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:23,560
Speaker 1: and manipulate for it, something in them is going It's

555
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:26,640
Speaker 1: something going on in them, or even women who do

556
00:39:26,760 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 1: the same, because we're not even talking about relationships same

557
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:34,200
Speaker 1: gender relationships where women and men are cheat on each

558
00:39:34,239 --> 00:39:36,960
Speaker 1: other also, so it's not just there's something in the

559
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:40,840
Speaker 1: person who is um in a relationship or married that

560
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,359
Speaker 1: decides to go out of it, that that part should

561
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 1: be addressed because I don't really talking to me because

562
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 1: I'm cheated and well, and he says, so it's so

563
00:39:50,200 --> 00:39:51,880
Speaker 1: hard to say because I thought for a while that

564
00:39:51,920 --> 00:39:57,920
Speaker 1: I might that might be a thing for me. Yeah. Right.

565
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:12,440
Speaker 1: So it's it's like we put band aids on things

566
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:16,839
Speaker 1: just get through. So sometimes sex is the band aid

567
00:40:17,320 --> 00:40:21,640
Speaker 1: because instead of me facing myself and being okay with

568
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:26,239
Speaker 1: being alone, I just I went the worst route I

569
00:40:26,400 --> 00:40:30,200
Speaker 1: think I could, and I feel no kind of pride

570
00:40:30,239 --> 00:40:33,160
Speaker 1: about it. That is one of the things that that

571
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:38,600
Speaker 1: trips me out the most. As me um. So often

572
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,319
Speaker 1: i'll do something or I'll say something, They're like, oh

573
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:44,799
Speaker 1: my god, you're so sweet, You're so you know, give

574
00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:50,880
Speaker 1: me a lot of praise and love for being um me.

575
00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:54,279
Speaker 1: And I try to remember and I try to make

576
00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 1: sure that other people remember. I'm just a person. I

577
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:03,960
Speaker 1: get ship bucked up, I make mistakes, I do the

578
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:08,239
Speaker 1: wrong thing. But at this age, um, in this place

579
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 1: that I am in my life, I don't want to

580
00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:13,279
Speaker 1: do the wrong things, and I don't have to do

581
00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:17,040
Speaker 1: the wrong things. I recognize now that if if I'm

582
00:41:17,040 --> 00:41:19,160
Speaker 1: about to head down a direction that's not going to

583
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:23,879
Speaker 1: bring me pride about myself. Then I really really need

584
00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:27,040
Speaker 1: to address what's what the wound is, what's going on.

585
00:41:27,400 --> 00:41:29,880
Speaker 1: Maybe I need a weekend somewhere. Maybe I need to

586
00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:31,719
Speaker 1: sit under a tree. Maybe I need to hug one.

587
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 1: Maybe I need to call my mom. Maybe I need

588
00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 1: to pry real good. Maybe I need to work out.

589
00:41:36,200 --> 00:41:38,960
Speaker 1: Maybe I need to, you know, go on a vacation.

590
00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 1: Maybe I need to take a drive. Maybe you know,

591
00:41:41,719 --> 00:41:44,319
Speaker 1: I need to be quiet. Maybe I need to pray.

592
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:52,720
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Like just the expectations of people.

593
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 1: It's not fair, it's not healthy, less than fair, it's

594
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:05,320
Speaker 1: it's not healthy. People make mistakes, bad choices, and hopefully

595
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:09,879
Speaker 1: they learned from them. Um, I always feel like God

596
00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:14,279
Speaker 1: does not play with me. Ever I do something left,

597
00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:19,920
Speaker 1: I do something left old, it doesn't even take time,

598
00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:24,800
Speaker 1: like the next day five minutes later. Like that's what

599
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,440
Speaker 1: you get. That's why you tripped, That's why you know

600
00:42:27,600 --> 00:42:30,080
Speaker 1: what I mean? Like not to say that stuff doesn't

601
00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:33,000
Speaker 1: happen in life, but God does not play with me.

602
00:42:33,440 --> 00:42:36,680
Speaker 1: And I'm grateful for that. You know why I say

603
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,640
Speaker 1: that too, that you I feel like God don't play

604
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:42,759
Speaker 1: with nobody. But what's special about you is that you're

605
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:46,839
Speaker 1: receptive to the communication about it. That part is hard.

606
00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:50,040
Speaker 1: Some people don't want to pay attention to it. I think,

607
00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: what was it my angels said about the pebble and

608
00:42:52,239 --> 00:42:55,800
Speaker 1: the brick? She did she say it? Whereas like people

609
00:42:55,960 --> 00:43:00,239
Speaker 1: get the pebbles, they be ignoring the pebbles, and then

610
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:03,560
Speaker 1: that brick come pay them, and like, oh man, what happened.

611
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 1: I didn't know I was tripping, blah blah. But what

612
00:43:06,840 --> 00:43:08,279
Speaker 1: you're saying, or at least what I got from what

613
00:43:08,360 --> 00:43:10,840
Speaker 1: you're saying, is that you've learned to pay attention to

614
00:43:10,920 --> 00:43:14,880
Speaker 1: the pebbles, and the pebbles allow you to shift your

615
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,880
Speaker 1: energies when you feel like, oh, I'm not in alignment

616
00:43:17,920 --> 00:43:19,960
Speaker 1: with where I want to be right now. This is

617
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 1: not indicative of the person that I want to be

618
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: or the woman that I want to be in this moment.

619
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,280
Speaker 1: And that could be anything, that could be about any anything,

620
00:43:27,320 --> 00:43:29,040
Speaker 1: And I feel like we all really struggle with that

621
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:32,640
Speaker 1: because I've always prayed, that's been my prayer for many years,

622
00:43:32,719 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 1: is to be the pebble person, to always be able

623
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:39,719
Speaker 1: to be receptive to communications. But um, I wanted to

624
00:43:39,719 --> 00:43:47,800
Speaker 1: read something to y'all. Okay, I follow a blogger and

625
00:43:48,239 --> 00:43:50,400
Speaker 1: he's an actor. His name is Devout, and him and

626
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,680
Speaker 1: his wife. I think there's any other like fourteen years

627
00:43:52,760 --> 00:43:55,399
Speaker 1: or something like that, anywhere from twelve to fourteen. I'm

628
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,239
Speaker 1: not a hundred percent shore, but they have a very

629
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:02,960
Speaker 1: very popular um where series. Okay, so he writes. The

630
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,840
Speaker 1: most commonly asked question by men aspiring to be in

631
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:09,719
Speaker 1: a healthy monogamous relationship is how do you keep the

632
00:44:09,760 --> 00:44:14,200
Speaker 1: flame burning hers and yours. Women often believe that men

633
00:44:14,239 --> 00:44:17,759
Speaker 1: are only concerned about losing interest in one woman, but

634
00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,920
Speaker 1: the truth is men are even more concerned about that

635
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:25,320
Speaker 1: woman losing interest in them. Insecurity is like a fire

636
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:29,000
Speaker 1: extinguisher to a flame. Women can sense it and will

637
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:32,440
Speaker 1: start to become unattracted. I know this because I've been

638
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,920
Speaker 1: there before in my relationship. Then immediately my ego needed

639
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:38,920
Speaker 1: to be fed to suppress my insecurity, and the quickest

640
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:40,840
Speaker 1: way to do that was by seeking the attention of

641
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:45,040
Speaker 1: other women. The cycle began because Kay became insecure and

642
00:44:45,160 --> 00:44:47,800
Speaker 1: we wanted to be together. But no flame can survive

643
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:51,160
Speaker 1: a trapped environment. I first had to check myself and

644
00:44:51,239 --> 00:44:53,920
Speaker 1: realize that my insecurities were coming from my past, not

645
00:44:54,120 --> 00:44:57,799
Speaker 1: my present. The way I felt about myself had very

646
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 1: little to do with Kay, who is his wife. But

647
00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:04,200
Speaker 1: there I was projecting my flaws onto her and stifling

648
00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:06,680
Speaker 1: the very spark that attracted her to me and me

649
00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:10,759
Speaker 1: to her self sabotage. Then I found myself asking her

650
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,719
Speaker 1: to be the solution to a problem I caused and

651
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:18,160
Speaker 1: yet and had yet to deal with internally. I'm gonna

652
00:45:18,160 --> 00:45:21,560
Speaker 1: say it one more time. Then I found myself asking

653
00:45:21,719 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 1: her to be the solution to a problem I caused

654
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:30,000
Speaker 1: and had yet to deal with internally. That was a

655
00:45:30,120 --> 00:45:33,759
Speaker 1: no win situation for either of us. This is the end.

656
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:36,279
Speaker 1: The truth is there is nothing a man can do

657
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 1: to fan the flames of a woman's sexual desires. If

658
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,960
Speaker 1: he is not confident and she does not ignite the

659
00:45:42,000 --> 00:45:45,600
Speaker 1: spark within herself, she will never be able to be

660
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:47,719
Speaker 1: what he wants her to be in the bedroom, and

661
00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:50,920
Speaker 1: she feels imprisoned instead of empowered. So if you want

662
00:45:50,920 --> 00:45:54,080
Speaker 1: to keep shit hot, make sure you are making love

663
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:57,320
Speaker 1: to her mind constantly and she feels free in your presence,

664
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:00,480
Speaker 1: because there is nothing more erotic than in a powered

665
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,600
Speaker 1: woman that trust she can share her sexual fantasies with

666
00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:12,600
Speaker 1: you dead ass whoa yeah, yeah, keep it clapping, shoot

667
00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:20,360
Speaker 1: a clap. Wow, that's good. That was super powerful. That's funny.

668
00:46:20,360 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 1: I just I sat there and I was like, Damn,

669
00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:25,919
Speaker 1: that's what they're doing. That's what a you're doing. That's

670
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 1: what they're doing working on his own self. Hey man,

671
00:46:32,320 --> 00:46:38,200
Speaker 1: that's power. That's what are you doing? Wow mm hmm.

672
00:46:54,160 --> 00:46:56,640
Speaker 1: I love when we have these conversations and I feel

673
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,040
Speaker 1: like somebody just like pulled off the first leg of

674
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:03,000
Speaker 1: my skin and I just feel a brand new air.

675
00:47:04,160 --> 00:47:07,799
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that. This is what it's

676
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 1: all about, sparking conversation, sparking conversation, and wherever you may be,

677
00:47:15,320 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 1: have been this conversation with people that uh that are

678
00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:23,400
Speaker 1: open minded, people that are not afraid to uh disagree.

679
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,680
Speaker 1: It's okay if you disagree, it's all right. It's not

680
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,160
Speaker 1: the end of the world with people figuring stuff out

681
00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:36,800
Speaker 1: as we go. Amen. I tell you this, I will

682
00:47:37,200 --> 00:47:43,640
Speaker 1: never be a mistress again. I don't care. I don't

683
00:47:43,680 --> 00:47:47,360
Speaker 1: care if I had to wrap myself up in a cocoon.

684
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:49,120
Speaker 1: I don't care if I had to come to your

685
00:47:49,239 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 1: house like yeah that, I'm like, I keep up in

686
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:54,600
Speaker 1: the house on away from it. Now. I'm joking, but

687
00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 1: you're right, just doesn't bless your life, and we don't

688
00:47:58,560 --> 00:47:59,799
Speaker 1: have I don't have the time for the calm rae

689
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:05,600
Speaker 1: any more. I put my time in that is real. Nope,

690
00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:13,400
Speaker 1: I definitely made a point to apologize, and luckily, I

691
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:16,040
Speaker 1: guess you know, I guess luckily you know the apology

692
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:20,680
Speaker 1: was received. I won't even say accepted, I'll just say received.

693
00:48:21,719 --> 00:48:23,879
Speaker 1: You know, I really do like to live my life

694
00:48:23,920 --> 00:48:26,719
Speaker 1: above board. I do. That is a blessing and I'm

695
00:48:26,760 --> 00:48:29,960
Speaker 1: gonna live via you through that solution, because that's that's

696
00:48:30,040 --> 00:48:33,360
Speaker 1: not my ending. But I'm just that's beautiful. They are

697
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:36,359
Speaker 1: together though, and happy, and more babies have been made,

698
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 1: so that's a good thing girl. And hopefully whatever, he

699
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:45,840
Speaker 1: won't come back and do something similar. Oh listen, you

700
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:47,960
Speaker 1: ain't got your job aide to keep other women out

701
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:49,960
Speaker 1: of the little house. You just stay out. My job

702
00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:56,840
Speaker 1: isn't just a kid to keep saying every time he

703
00:48:56,960 --> 00:49:04,160
Speaker 1: comes as no, no, already the little house was there?

704
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:13,040
Speaker 1: A little house because you don't want Carmer to kick

705
00:49:13,120 --> 00:49:16,279
Speaker 1: your ass? Will because you don't want to come out

706
00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:22,400
Speaker 1: I kick your ass expiration, ladies and fellows, no expiration.

707
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:29,160
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. It's it's interesting. Anytime I do something good,

708
00:49:29,239 --> 00:49:33,759
Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh, I hope that's a fixed. We

709
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:37,520
Speaker 1: don't know. Let's see. You have to listen. I'm about

710
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:41,160
Speaker 1: to go grandma on you right quick, come stop. You

711
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:44,120
Speaker 1: have said, you did what you did, You said what

712
00:49:44,239 --> 00:49:46,480
Speaker 1: you said, you did the things you needed to do,

713
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:49,960
Speaker 1: and you have to leave that. Don't worry about that

714
00:49:50,080 --> 00:49:53,000
Speaker 1: no more. I'm not beating myself, believe me. I'm just

715
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:57,040
Speaker 1: talking about my my spiritual bank. I feel you my

716
00:49:57,239 --> 00:50:00,879
Speaker 1: spiritual bank. Yeah. Let me tell you something now, Oh

717
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:05,640
Speaker 1: I am I only do things that make me feel good.

718
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:11,800
Speaker 1: Is that fair? Yes? As as a human, as a

719
00:50:11,920 --> 00:50:15,000
Speaker 1: as a woman, as a as a mother, I really

720
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:18,880
Speaker 1: only do things that make me feel good. When I

721
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,359
Speaker 1: make the dinner, it makes me feel good that I'm

722
00:50:21,400 --> 00:50:23,520
Speaker 1: going to feed my family and that they're going to

723
00:50:23,600 --> 00:50:28,799
Speaker 1: eat well. When I um sing the songs, it makes

724
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 1: me feel good that the audience is enjoying themselves and

725
00:50:32,200 --> 00:50:35,200
Speaker 1: having moments and clapping their hands and dancing and making

726
00:50:35,280 --> 00:50:38,759
Speaker 1: out and having shared and tears. That makes me feel good.

727
00:50:39,680 --> 00:50:41,719
Speaker 1: If I if I give money to a homeless man.

728
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:44,319
Speaker 1: It makes me feel good the number one I had

729
00:50:44,360 --> 00:50:46,920
Speaker 1: it to give and second that I gave it, and

730
00:50:47,080 --> 00:50:49,320
Speaker 1: I you know, I don't know what he's gonna do

731
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:51,640
Speaker 1: with it. But that thing, that thing I like that

732
00:50:52,520 --> 00:50:57,359
Speaker 1: I like living in this way. I'm trying to tell

733
00:50:57,440 --> 00:50:59,080
Speaker 1: you for all of us, I'm just saying that. But

734
00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:02,040
Speaker 1: you're but you have a she that is a such

735
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:04,400
Speaker 1: a goal, you know what I mean, like to be

736
00:51:04,480 --> 00:51:08,799
Speaker 1: able to say that, like just take a moment like yeah.

737
00:51:08,960 --> 00:51:12,680
Speaker 1: But it's a choice like any other choice. It is hard.

738
00:51:12,760 --> 00:51:15,280
Speaker 1: Part is the heart. The hard part is making the choice,

739
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:19,040
Speaker 1: you know, to only do things that make you feel good.

740
00:51:19,400 --> 00:51:26,279
Speaker 1: Right now, what now? What happens if the mistress her

741
00:51:26,520 --> 00:51:29,879
Speaker 1: being with other people's husbands, if that makes her feel good?

742
00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:36,799
Speaker 1: Now what now? She got to get her aspe? Now,

743
00:51:38,000 --> 00:51:43,360
Speaker 1: get her now, she's got to get her aspeat. All

744
00:51:43,640 --> 00:51:53,399
Speaker 1: the day long, it's gonna happen. It's gonna happen, whether

745
00:51:53,520 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 1: it's by the by the wife's hands, by life's hands,

746
00:51:58,160 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 1: like it's gonna happen. I really believe that you cannot

747
00:52:02,400 --> 00:52:08,399
Speaker 1: when by doing harm, you can't. You might do something

748
00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:12,160
Speaker 1: gangster and get millions and millions of dollars for it.

749
00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:15,160
Speaker 1: You're not gonna keep it. Something's gonna happen. You're not

750
00:52:15,239 --> 00:52:19,879
Speaker 1: gonna You're not gonna be healthy. You need of loneliness.

751
00:52:20,280 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 1: It usually needs to a life of loneliness. Yeah, I

752
00:52:24,280 --> 00:52:26,840
Speaker 1: mean yeah, because again you're not addressing the thing that

753
00:52:27,040 --> 00:52:30,560
Speaker 1: makes you do that. So yeah, doing crack feel good too?

754
00:52:31,040 --> 00:52:34,480
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. So here, you're not right.

755
00:52:34,680 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 1: I never had no crack to speak of, but I'm

756
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:40,120
Speaker 1: just saying what I'd hear in the streets is crack

757
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:43,880
Speaker 1: is lovely when you're using it. But the point is that,

758
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:46,560
Speaker 1: I mean, just because it feels good to you doesn't

759
00:52:46,560 --> 00:52:48,480
Speaker 1: mean it's good for you. And you have to really

760
00:52:48,520 --> 00:52:51,680
Speaker 1: do the soul search and to decide why that feels

761
00:52:51,719 --> 00:52:53,839
Speaker 1: good to you and what is it that you're really

762
00:52:53,880 --> 00:52:56,399
Speaker 1: trying to get there, Because it's like, are you trying

763
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:59,360
Speaker 1: to get something that you don't have to commit to? Like,

764
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:01,640
Speaker 1: what are the reasons why this feels good to you?

765
00:53:01,760 --> 00:53:04,560
Speaker 1: I'm interested in that, you know, I joked out about

766
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,600
Speaker 1: getting her as speak, but mostly I'm just like, well,

767
00:53:06,640 --> 00:53:08,160
Speaker 1: why does that feel good? And why is that the

768
00:53:08,239 --> 00:53:10,440
Speaker 1: only way that you feel you can get that? I

769
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:13,560
Speaker 1: would like somebody to ring the bell because that there

770
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 1: you go again, the nick ning ninging. Ye, fair enough.

771
00:53:19,840 --> 00:53:25,520
Speaker 1: I love everybody knows. I love the women folk. I

772
00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 1: love the black women folk here. So my tendency is

773
00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:35,880
Speaker 1: to air on the side of forgiveness and that vibe

774
00:53:36,200 --> 00:53:37,960
Speaker 1: because I just want to know what's going on with us.

775
00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:39,920
Speaker 1: We don't really get an opportunity to talk about what's

776
00:53:39,960 --> 00:53:43,600
Speaker 1: going on with us, and we get extra vilified for

777
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:48,480
Speaker 1: every reaction that we have. So I just rather know, Okay.

778
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:52,040
Speaker 1: So we know that there is uh quote unquote shortage

779
00:53:52,640 --> 00:54:00,279
Speaker 1: of black men. It is, yes, that's rights. Uh yes,

780
00:54:00,400 --> 00:54:04,080
Speaker 1: and it's been depending on where I apologize, I apologize.

781
00:54:04,520 --> 00:54:08,719
Speaker 1: And there is a difference between males and men. Oh

782
00:54:08,880 --> 00:54:12,839
Speaker 1: now you really? Now you where's the where's the bell? At?

783
00:54:13,480 --> 00:54:17,160
Speaker 1: Ni nick name? Go back to Chris rock joke is

784
00:54:17,160 --> 00:54:22,840
Speaker 1: all I'm saying. There is a difference, and that okay.

785
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:28,240
Speaker 1: So currently the man that I am enjoying wholeheartedly opens

786
00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:34,600
Speaker 1: doors and pays for dinner and dances with me and

787
00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:41,279
Speaker 1: listens and shares and works forward. But which is very

788
00:54:41,360 --> 00:54:45,560
Speaker 1: attractive to me. Now, what does that works forward? Works forward?

789
00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:49,239
Speaker 1: Not just working to be working, but working to move

790
00:54:49,480 --> 00:54:53,719
Speaker 1: forward in a constant state of forward. I love it.

791
00:54:53,920 --> 00:54:59,560
Speaker 1: I'm strategicy. Yes, yes, I like that. I like that.

792
00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:03,480
Speaker 1: There's not a lot of them. He doesn't deal in lies,

793
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:07,520
Speaker 1: doesn't like it. His parents have been married fifty two

794
00:55:07,640 --> 00:55:12,760
Speaker 1: fifty three years. I'm off they still hug and kissing

795
00:55:12,800 --> 00:55:27,000
Speaker 1: the mouth. So he's seen it. He knows what it

796
00:55:27,080 --> 00:55:29,360
Speaker 1: looks like, he knows what it feels like. I don't.

797
00:55:30,719 --> 00:55:34,200
Speaker 1: I've only had moments of it with my grandparents. I

798
00:55:34,280 --> 00:55:37,840
Speaker 1: had moments with it with my uncle and aunt before

799
00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:42,920
Speaker 1: he passed away, But overall, I never had a I

800
00:55:43,000 --> 00:55:44,879
Speaker 1: won't say never. I didn't get a chance to spend

801
00:55:44,960 --> 00:55:47,960
Speaker 1: a lot of time with it, uh to see what

802
00:55:48,120 --> 00:55:50,920
Speaker 1: makes it work, to see what makes the engine go,

803
00:55:52,040 --> 00:55:56,239
Speaker 1: and being able to speak to his parents on a

804
00:55:56,360 --> 00:56:01,080
Speaker 1: regular basis, and a man that is poor, how to

805
00:56:01,239 --> 00:56:05,759
Speaker 1: say that he's never had an affair, that he's completely

806
00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:10,080
Speaker 1: dedicated and absolutely loves his wife. And she sits in it.

807
00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:13,800
Speaker 1: Did that thing right there? She's sitting it so good,

808
00:56:14,440 --> 00:56:17,680
Speaker 1: she just relaxed in it. And how he goes out

809
00:56:17,760 --> 00:56:20,200
Speaker 1: of his way to make sure that she's happy, and

810
00:56:20,280 --> 00:56:23,560
Speaker 1: how many times during a conversation he says that that

811
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:28,759
Speaker 1: is the most important thing in his world. Like, then

812
00:56:28,840 --> 00:56:33,960
Speaker 1: where are they? You know what I mean? Like our

813
00:56:34,160 --> 00:56:37,480
Speaker 1: men don't get an or our women, we don't really

814
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:43,239
Speaker 1: get an opportunity to see what a beautiful union looks like.

815
00:56:44,560 --> 00:56:46,840
Speaker 1: So we get in a way of things and we

816
00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:51,320
Speaker 1: cause damage because we don't know any better, or we

817
00:56:51,520 --> 00:56:54,040
Speaker 1: know better, No, I don't know. No, we use examples

818
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:57,399
Speaker 1: we see on TV. We're doing the thing where we're

819
00:56:57,440 --> 00:57:00,640
Speaker 1: putting band aids over the wounds instead dealing of what

820
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:05,000
Speaker 1: is really really really going on. Yeah, I think some

821
00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:08,520
Speaker 1: and I love that that is your perspective, because that's

822
00:57:08,520 --> 00:57:11,520
Speaker 1: such a great opportunity for you to kind of sit

823
00:57:11,640 --> 00:57:13,920
Speaker 1: at the feet of people who you think and who

824
00:57:14,040 --> 00:57:16,920
Speaker 1: who have made an impression on you with their relationship,

825
00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:18,520
Speaker 1: because a lot of times people don't get to do that.

826
00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:21,200
Speaker 1: You're right, we all don't get that opportunity, to say,

827
00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:24,080
Speaker 1: the feet of people who may be able to shed

828
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:28,000
Speaker 1: some light on this, you know, mystery of you know,

829
00:57:28,240 --> 00:57:32,200
Speaker 1: long term relationships, and it's it's it's rough, you know,

830
00:57:32,280 --> 00:57:35,439
Speaker 1: when you're basically trying to find your way in the dark.

831
00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:38,240
Speaker 1: I remember a few weeks ago, and it's a little

832
00:57:38,240 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 1: bit difficult for me to read kind of noticing people

833
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:44,840
Speaker 1: say things. Sometimes it felt a little bit slide like, oh, well,

834
00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:46,640
Speaker 1: it don't matter if you've been married a long time,

835
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 1: you could be miserable, or people be miserable together a

836
00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:52,320
Speaker 1: long time. And even though I think that that does happen,

837
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:56,360
Speaker 1: sometimes I think that. And I don't think any relationship

838
00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:59,560
Speaker 1: should solely have its value and the amount of time

839
00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:04,240
Speaker 1: that's it shouldn't solely have its value there, but that

840
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: is an accomplishment to live fifty years of your life

841
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:14,240
Speaker 1: with another person. No one will be able to tell

842
00:58:14,360 --> 00:58:18,040
Speaker 1: you or understand the lessons that you have learned from

843
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:24,320
Speaker 1: that relationship. People need to continue to honor the value

844
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:27,120
Speaker 1: of that. You can't do a thing for fifty years

845
00:58:27,640 --> 00:58:30,960
Speaker 1: and not learn anything and not grow. You cannot do that,

846
00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:34,640
Speaker 1: you know, And I know that that some of our

847
00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:37,919
Speaker 1: grandparents kind of grew up in eras where we would

848
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:39,520
Speaker 1: go back and look at the real if we could

849
00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:41,480
Speaker 1: really be a fly on the wall. I know, at

850
00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:43,640
Speaker 1: least for myself, there will be things there that I

851
00:58:43,800 --> 00:58:47,360
Speaker 1: know are extremely problemly problematic for me. I'm like, well, no,

852
00:58:47,520 --> 00:58:49,800
Speaker 1: that I couldn't do that, or those are circumstances to

853
00:58:49,840 --> 00:58:52,440
Speaker 1: which I would not I would not tolerate that, you

854
00:58:52,520 --> 00:58:54,760
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, um, So, I do want to

855
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:57,040
Speaker 1: give a little credit to us and the generation is

856
00:58:57,080 --> 00:59:01,240
Speaker 1: coming after us as we begin to look at and

857
00:59:01,440 --> 00:59:05,919
Speaker 1: learn from and perfect how we will connect and relate

858
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:08,760
Speaker 1: to each other, particularly as black people and black people

859
00:59:08,840 --> 00:59:11,360
Speaker 1: coupled together, you know what I'm saying, and that we

860
00:59:11,440 --> 00:59:15,000
Speaker 1: start to sift through these skill sets and and do better.

861
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:18,600
Speaker 1: The young man who I read earlier, he um his

862
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:22,360
Speaker 1: hashtag is millennial marriage. So I think they're at least

863
00:59:22,400 --> 00:59:26,400
Speaker 1: ten years or more younger than us, and that is

864
00:59:26,640 --> 00:59:29,280
Speaker 1: inspirational to me. I know you brought up Kierre, who

865
00:59:29,360 --> 00:59:32,760
Speaker 1: is another brother that has a great dad blog. He's

866
00:59:32,800 --> 00:59:36,040
Speaker 1: in his I think late twenties, early thirties. So we're

867
00:59:36,080 --> 00:59:38,479
Speaker 1: starting to see even those folks that come in after

868
00:59:38,640 --> 00:59:43,360
Speaker 1: us really take note to these really important things around

869
00:59:43,560 --> 00:59:48,200
Speaker 1: relationships and the quality of relationships and do better well.

870
00:59:48,320 --> 01:00:00,480
Speaker 1: I I absolutely think that hanging around happy fulfilled uh elders,

871
01:00:01,720 --> 01:00:06,000
Speaker 1: it's a good choice. You never know when they're gonna

872
01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:08,640
Speaker 1: drop that thing on you, that one thing that like

873
01:00:08,760 --> 01:00:11,360
Speaker 1: you ladies seem to do that pulls the skin off

874
01:00:11,440 --> 01:00:18,720
Speaker 1: your face getting peeled like you never know when something

875
01:00:18,800 --> 01:00:22,040
Speaker 1: like that it's gonna occur. So definitely spend time with

876
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:25,400
Speaker 1: happy people. You gotta find something as soon as yes,

877
01:00:25,600 --> 01:00:28,640
Speaker 1: but yes, yes, because other than that, you're not really

878
01:00:28,680 --> 01:00:32,400
Speaker 1: gonna know what you're doing. And as a two time divorcee,

879
01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:35,200
Speaker 1: and I, like I said, I remember telling you this agent,

880
01:00:35,760 --> 01:00:39,640
Speaker 1: I really do not have a problem with leaving anyone.

881
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:45,560
Speaker 1: I don't Nope, you cannot hurt me. You cannot make

882
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:49,040
Speaker 1: a practice out of hurting me and think that I'll

883
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:52,439
Speaker 1: stay for that. I'm not that person and I don't

884
01:00:52,440 --> 01:00:55,480
Speaker 1: want to hurt anybody. So you know there that is.

885
01:00:56,120 --> 01:00:59,880
Speaker 1: I don't know if that I've learned. I have learned

886
01:01:00,400 --> 01:01:03,840
Speaker 1: my good friends. It's been a pleasure talking to all

887
01:01:03,920 --> 01:01:07,640
Speaker 1: of you, and uh hope we sparked some conversation. Piece

888
01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:15,439
Speaker 1: of love everybody, How do you eat an elephant? One

889
01:01:15,800 --> 01:01:24,160
Speaker 1: by it Tide? If you've been keeping up with the

890
01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:27,400
Speaker 1: podcast as you should be, you know that I'm Eve's

891
01:01:27,600 --> 01:01:29,960
Speaker 1: producer on the show, and I'm here to bring you

892
01:01:30,040 --> 01:01:33,560
Speaker 1: the resources for the episode. First up is the Progressive

893
01:01:33,680 --> 01:01:37,200
Speaker 1: Love Academy run by Kenya Kid Stevens and Carl Stevens.

894
01:01:37,640 --> 01:01:41,640
Speaker 1: The Progressive Love Academy offers classes and coaching to build

895
01:01:41,760 --> 01:01:44,800
Speaker 1: better relationships. You can find out more about them and

896
01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:49,040
Speaker 1: the academy at Progressive Love Academy dot com. The other

897
01:01:49,160 --> 01:01:52,480
Speaker 1: resource is also one aga mentioned in the episode. Devot

898
01:01:52,640 --> 01:01:56,280
Speaker 1: ellis at I Am Devot on Instagram Asia. Read his

899
01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:59,920
Speaker 1: post about keeping things interesting and healthy in a monogamous relationship.

900
01:02:00,520 --> 01:02:03,640
Speaker 1: He and his wife Codine, hosts the podcast dead Ass

901
01:02:04,040 --> 01:02:07,240
Speaker 1: and have a YouTube channel dedicated to documenting their marriage

902
01:02:07,280 --> 01:02:10,400
Speaker 1: and family life. As always, I'll drop links in the

903
01:02:10,480 --> 01:02:26,320
Speaker 1: episode description. Thank you for listening to Jill Scott present

904
01:02:26,760 --> 01:02:45,280
Speaker 1: Ja dot Il the podcast. This podcast is hosted by

905
01:02:45,360 --> 01:02:49,560
Speaker 1: Jill Scott, Laias St. Claire, and agent Graydon Danceler. It's

906
01:02:49,600 --> 01:02:53,320
Speaker 1: executive producers are Jill Scott, Sean g and Brian Calhoun.

907
01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:57,439
Speaker 1: It's produced by Laya St Clair and me Eve Jeff Cooke.

908
01:02:57,840 --> 01:03:00,600
Speaker 1: The editing and sound design for this episode we're done

909
01:03:00,760 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 1: by Taylor Chrome. You gotta get away from their microphone

910
01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:10,560
Speaker 1: says yeah, yeah, yeah you are, Yeah, you're you can

911
01:03:10,600 --> 01:03:13,840
Speaker 1: actually just kind of sit all the way back when

912
01:03:15,080 --> 01:03:17,400
Speaker 1: this ship and you just need to sit back, all right.

913
01:03:17,680 --> 01:03:22,840
Speaker 1: That's where I'm at See we ain't that different? See

914
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:26,920
Speaker 1: see how to table turn see how to turn that fast.

915
01:03:29,200 --> 01:03:32,600
Speaker 1: J dot Ill is a production of I heart Radio.

916
01:03:33,160 --> 01:03:36,400
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from I heart Radio, visit the i

917
01:03:36,640 --> 01:03:40,920
Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to

918
01:03:41,040 --> 01:03:42,120
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.