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Speaker 1: Chip, Hello, Are you as excited for this conversation as me?

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Speaker 2: I am.

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Speaker 3: I'm also nervous because I feel like I'm going to

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Speaker 3: find out some really bad habits of.

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Speaker 1: My Like how you're even worse than you thought at boundaries.

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Speaker 2: But that's where you grow, right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean we think you and I talk about

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Speaker 1: this a lot. One of the main things we love

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Speaker 1: about having this podcast is that we get to actually

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Speaker 1: come on and talk to people who really admire, like

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Speaker 1: experts in different fields. And also it's like the greatest

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Speaker 1: teacher of all time because we're getting basically free therapy. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So today we are so excited because we have the

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Speaker 1: Boundary Boss Terry Cole here. She is a psychotherapist and

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Speaker 1: author of Boundary Boss, The Essential Guide to Talk, True,

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Speaker 1: Be Seen, and Finally Live Free.

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Speaker 4: Hi Terry, Well, hello people, how are y'all?

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Speaker 1: We are sold to you here? Chip and I equally

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Speaker 1: talk about this, but we're both just have really been

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Speaker 1: on a journey, I would say, the past couple years

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Speaker 1: to really learn about how to take care of ourselves

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Speaker 1: and how to navigate life with boundaries. So let's just

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Speaker 1: dive in and I don't know, let's just talk about boundaries.

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Speaker 1: I want to know, how did you actually become the

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Speaker 1: boundary boss.

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Speaker 4: Well, I started out as the boundary disaster exactly. So

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Speaker 4: I mean, you know they say that you teach what

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Speaker 4: you most need to learn. Yeah, I think that that.

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Speaker 4: In my case, for sure that was true, although I

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Speaker 4: didn't know in my twenties, you know, when I was

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Speaker 4: in therapy and trying to figure out, like, why was

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Speaker 4: I bitter in this relationship and feeling taken advantage of

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Speaker 4: by this person and pissed off about this thing, I

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Speaker 4: had no idea that the pain in my relationships a

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Speaker 4: lot of it was related to me having disordered boundaries.

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Speaker 4: I didn't know that no one had taught me, no

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Speaker 4: one had talked about it. So in changing my relationship

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Speaker 4: to my own boundaries, internal boundaries, and then bringing that

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Speaker 4: out into my relationships, my life, my career, my romantic relationships,

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Speaker 4: it obviously changed my life. And I couldn't believe that

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Speaker 4: nobody teaches us this like incredibly important skill. And so

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Speaker 4: at the time when all this was happening, I was

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Speaker 4: a talent agent. I was negotiating contracts or supermodels and celebrities.

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Speaker 4: That's what I did before I became a psychotherapist, which

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Speaker 4: obviously is you know, entertainment is not exactly a hotbed

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Speaker 4: of really good boundaries.

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Speaker 1: Now it's just awful.

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Speaker 4: I mean, just especially as an agent because I was young,

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Speaker 4: our clients are young, You're socializing your ass off with people.

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Speaker 4: You really it was very difficult, and that really shone

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Speaker 4: a light on how not good I was with establishing

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Speaker 4: and asserting and communicating boundaries. So when I started really

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Speaker 4: getting it, and I realized at the end of my

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Speaker 4: career and entertainment that I just literally didn't care about

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Speaker 4: the Panteene deal or the movie contract. All I cared

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Speaker 4: about was getting my clients into eating disorder clinics and

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Speaker 4: drug treatment help and therapy. And I was like, all right,

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Speaker 4: clearly you're in. You need to get out of here

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Speaker 4: before you start really sucking, and just you need to

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Speaker 4: do what you want to do, which was a hard

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Speaker 4: transition to make because I was really I was incredibly ambitious.

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Speaker 4: I was only in my early thirties and I was

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Speaker 4: running an agency like I was sort of according to

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Speaker 4: my father, I was at the top of my career.

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Speaker 4: He was like, wait, wait, what are you doing. It

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Speaker 4: was one hundred percent like, but why I'm just curious.

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Speaker 4: You want to make no money, you want to get

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Speaker 4: in debt to NYU to one hundred grand, which I did.

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Speaker 4: But I was like, dude, I'm grown up, Like I

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Speaker 4: love you and all, but I don't need your money

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Speaker 4: or your approval, so hopefully you'll support me, and that

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Speaker 4: would be great.

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Speaker 2: I was going to say, I want to have a

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Speaker 2: boundary here.

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Speaker 4: There you go, Okay, yeah, I mean how many years

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Speaker 4: if there be in the people right right? That wouldn't

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Speaker 4: have happened. If I was twenty two, right, I would

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Speaker 4: have been like, oh, maybe I shouldn't right, Maybe you're right,

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Speaker 4: maybe I should stay being a talent agent even though

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Speaker 4: I didn't want to. But what I saw when I

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Speaker 4: opened my own practice, and you know, X number of

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Speaker 4: years in and I was always taking copious notes of

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Speaker 4: like what are the similar pain points that people walk

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Speaker 4: in with, Like what is it that is killing the

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Speaker 4: joy in people's lives? What is exacerbating their pain or

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Speaker 4: creating pain? And no matter what they're presenting, problem was,

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Speaker 4: I could just follow the dots backwards to the fact

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Speaker 4: that it was all related to them having no clue

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Speaker 4: as to how to communicate or establish healthy boundaries and

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Speaker 4: how that eventually made them miserable the same way that

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Speaker 4: I was saying that when I got into therapy, and

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Speaker 4: when I was in you know, years into therapy, I

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Speaker 4: would be like, this person is taking advantage of me,

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Speaker 4: this person is entitled, this person has all this expect

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Speaker 4: to how dare they have these expectations? And of course

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Speaker 4: my therapist was like, how about just say no, I

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Speaker 4: have an idea, Like we could spend all of our

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Speaker 4: time judging how what an idiot Betty is, or we

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Speaker 4: can simply say, oh, hey, that doesn't work for me,

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Speaker 4: but if you move next Saturday, maybe I can help

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Speaker 4: you for two hours, as opposed to being like, I

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Speaker 4: can't believe she'd ask me, because it's very unempowering to

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Speaker 4: not know what your preferences, limits, and deal breakers are,

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Speaker 4: which is what I consider your boundaries. Right, so let's

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Speaker 4: let's go there. I don't know did I answer your question,

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Speaker 4: even though that was like.

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Speaker 1: And now I'm fascinated with this. So you said preferences,

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Speaker 1: Tell me again, preferences.

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Speaker 4: Preferences, limits, desires and dead breakers.

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Speaker 1: And deal and what are those like? If you had

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Speaker 1: to label those four things?

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Speaker 4: Those are well that these are your boundaries basically, that is,

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Speaker 4: and the reason why I give you this spam is

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Speaker 4: that not all boundary requests or desires have the same weight.

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Speaker 4: You can have a preference like, hey, I don't really

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Speaker 4: feel like eating Italian tonight. Yeah, I really would like

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Speaker 4: to have sushi. That's a preference, right, That's not going

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Speaker 4: to end your marriage probably, And if your person was like,

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Speaker 4: I really can't, let's meet in the middle, let's have burgers,

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Speaker 4: you'd be like, okay, Like that's not the end of

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Speaker 4: the world. But your preferences matter, though, And I think

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Speaker 4: a lot of us who want to be like you

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Speaker 4: know me, I'm easy, breezy, no fuss, no musk. Whatever

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Speaker 4: you guys want to do is good. Like, we get

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Speaker 4: habituated into these behaviors that are self abandoning in a

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Speaker 4: way that we're unaware of because we don't want any conflict, right,

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Speaker 4: we just don't even want to deal with asserting ourselves.

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Speaker 4: But I'm going to get to the fallout from not

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Speaker 4: asserting ourselves, all right, So let's finish the categories of boundaries.

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Speaker 4: So you have your preferences, your limits, right, like your

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Speaker 4: friends like can you come help me move? All day?

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Speaker 4: On Saturday from six I am to midnight. No I cannot.

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Speaker 4: So a limit would say I have three hours I

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Speaker 4: can help you from twelve to three. I hope that's helped. Okay, right,

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Speaker 4: that's a limit. Desires are like sort of bigger things

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Speaker 4: in your life, like where you want to live and

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Speaker 4: what matters to you. And again, yes, exactly childre are

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Speaker 4: not children, but they're still important because again, as you're

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Speaker 4: going to see as we go through this process, your limits,

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Speaker 4: your preferences, your desires, and your deal breakers they're not

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Speaker 4: just your boundaries, they're also the qualities in you that

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Speaker 4: make you uniquely you, so they're really important. And deal breakers.

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Speaker 4: Last one is deal breakers, which this is just that

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Speaker 4: is non negotiable, not negotiable either way. Right, Like, if

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Speaker 4: you're someone who's getting in a relationship with someone and

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Speaker 4: you must have children, that's no negotiable. Do me a favorite.

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Speaker 4: Don't date people who are like I'm on the fence,

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Speaker 4: forget it. That's a problem. Date people who you know

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Speaker 4: want kids. But a lot of times we'll be like, oh,

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Speaker 4: they're so nice, I'm gonna wait and see they're going

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Speaker 4: to change their mind. Maybe not. So we have to

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Speaker 4: be committed to our deal breakers, or for me dating

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Speaker 4: someone in recovery because I'm in recovery was I didn't

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Speaker 4: want that. That would have been a deal breaker. Just

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Speaker 4: one addict, one recovering addict in my relationships is enough.

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Speaker 4: Even though my friends would be like, you're single and

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Speaker 4: you're so picky, you don't want to date anyone in

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Speaker 4: recovery work? Are you judging people in recovery? I'm like no, no.

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Speaker 2: I'm meant you're like no, but you are.

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Speaker 4: Exactly like And also, my deal breakers are my business.

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Speaker 4: It's mind right. I don't need to convince anyone of anything, right,

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Speaker 4: and neither do you. Yeah, you know, neither do you.

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Speaker 4: So anyway, according to Terry Cole, those are your boundaries.

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Speaker 1: I love that because, well, the first when we were

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Speaker 1: talking about preferences, you mentioned the words self abandoning, and

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Speaker 1: I think that that is such a big word when

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Speaker 1: it comes to boundary because what you said, even with

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Speaker 1: preferences is like the Italian restaurant, for example, I actually

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Speaker 1: can do that. I'll be like, oh, I'll find something

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Speaker 1: on every menu. But before long in a relationship, if

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Speaker 1: you do that over and over and over again, you

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Speaker 1: don't even exist like you're what you like, what who

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Speaker 1: you are just becomes like melded into who the other

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Speaker 1: person is and before you know it. And I'm saying

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Speaker 1: this because I've done it a million times, you're living

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Speaker 1: in their life and your life is like no longer

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Speaker 1: even there to be found, so you're just completely lost

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Speaker 1: because you're.

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Speaker 2: You're there, you become a people pleaser.

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Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, and you're already yeah, you already are a

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Speaker 4: people pleaser if you're doing that right, right, I think.

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Speaker 3: It's probably important to say too, like it is fine

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Speaker 3: sometimes to be like, you know what, like tonight, I

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Speaker 3: really don't have an opinion, like whatever you want, Like

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Speaker 3: that's fine to do occasionally, but I think when you

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Speaker 3: but it's also important to remember that when you are

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Speaker 3: craving something, it's okay.

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Speaker 2: To be like, you know what, I'm really I.

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Speaker 3: Would love sushi tonight, And you have to find the

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Speaker 3: happy medium there. You don't want to be the person

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Speaker 3: who's like always putting your foot down to and saying

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Speaker 3: like no, no.

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Speaker 2: I don't want that. I don't want that because you

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Speaker 2: have to be open to other people's boundaries too and preferences.

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Speaker 4: Right if you so someone like I care I have

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Speaker 4: a hankering for a chicken pop pie, I care about it.

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Speaker 4: I may not want to eat that, but again, I'll

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Speaker 4: find something on that menu because he wants to. And

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Speaker 4: I may not like chicken pop pie, but I really

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Speaker 4: like him.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I love that. That Actually, why did that make

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Speaker 1: me smell something? That's like, I think that's the best

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Speaker 1: mentality in a relationship though. It's like you care about him,

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Speaker 1: and so that's what compromise or showing up in the

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Speaker 1: relationship looks like. But there's a difference between that and

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Speaker 1: doing it all the time to where like if he's

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Speaker 1: meeting you there, like, if he's doing that for you too,

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Speaker 1: that's great. But like I've found myself in a lot

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Speaker 1: of situations where I do that and I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I care about this person, but then I don't even realize,

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Speaker 1: like it's not being matched, you know, So it becomes

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Speaker 1: that one sided dynamic, and so these four things are

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Speaker 1: really just kind of thrown out the window because I'm

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Speaker 1: just showing up to the place that I'm not being

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Speaker 1: met there, if that makes sense, right.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, And you're also not you're not inviting anyone to

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Speaker 4: meet you there. You're literally closing the door on getting

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Speaker 4: your needs.

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Speaker 3: Men.

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Speaker 4: You You you're the one just slamming the door and

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Speaker 4: being like, cool, what you want? Cool, what you want?

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Speaker 4: Right now? I'm the cool girl is the beginning of

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Speaker 4: a relationship. But I'm racy. Everything is fine until it's not,

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Speaker 4: because that is a slow boat to bitter land, which

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Speaker 4: is like the only stop on that boat. Right there's

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Speaker 4: nowhere else to go because none of us can be

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Speaker 4: invisible for a long period of time and not become resentful.

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Speaker 4: The way to think about your personal boundaries is your

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Speaker 4: own personal rules of engagement, and it's how we let

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Speaker 4: other people know what's okay with us and what's not

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Speaker 4: okay with us. And there's a way to do it.

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Speaker 4: And it's always possible to be kind. Yeah, like Bob

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Speaker 4: from accounting and he is a total jerk, Then you

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Speaker 4: don't need to be kind, right, you could be you

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Speaker 4: could have a little more heat to the Yeah, exactly Byob.

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Speaker 4: But I think that the myths that are around having

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Speaker 4: healthy boundaries, it's like you are saying no all the time.

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Speaker 4: Kind of what you said Chip, like the person who's

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Speaker 4: like M constantly, I'm going to assert what I want

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Speaker 4: all the time. I'm punching people in the face. Verbally,

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Speaker 4: I'm blocking people out. I'm rejecting people. That's not true

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Speaker 4: at all, doesn't have to be. And if someone is

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Speaker 4: doing that, they're not a boundary boss. They're a boundary bully,

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Speaker 4: which is not the same.

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Speaker 3: I want to give an example, like, so I have

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Speaker 3: a recent recently started dating this guy and he loves

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Speaker 3: Mexican food. And last night we had dinner and like

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Speaker 3: we now eat Mexican food a lot because he likes

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Speaker 3: I actually love Mexican goood too. I wasn't really in

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Speaker 3: the mood for it last night, but he will like

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Speaker 3: had a hankering for it, and so I said sure.

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Speaker 3: You know, I just wanted to spend time with him.

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Speaker 2: But in hindsight, I look back and I tried.

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Speaker 3: Because I wasn't really in the mood for Mexican food,

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Speaker 3: I didn't want what I normally order, so I got

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Speaker 3: adventurous with the menu last night, and I tried things

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Speaker 3: that I'd never had, and when I left, I was

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Speaker 3: really happy that I'd had Mexican food. So, you know,

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Speaker 3: I do think sometimes like I didn't feel like I was,

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Speaker 3: you know, uh, relinquishing any boundaries. I just literally didn't

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Speaker 3: have much of an opinion last night except for I

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Speaker 3: wanted him to have what he wanted. So I do

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Speaker 3: think there are those moments in our lives that we

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Speaker 3: can look at, like, if we don't have a hard

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Speaker 3: line reason to say no, then it's okay to like

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Speaker 3: sort of lean into what you're not sure of, because

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Speaker 3: you might learn something about.

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Speaker 4: Yourself without a doubt. But you know, chip what you

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Speaker 4: see more often than not is people, especially people pleasers

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Speaker 4: with the disease to please, who are a conflict avoidant,

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Speaker 4: who fear rejection, that they're not worried about that part

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Speaker 4: of it because they're always doing that. They're always thinking

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Speaker 4: of the other person, always self abandoning in service in

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Speaker 4: their mind, in service of being loving, in service of

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Speaker 4: the relationship, and service of being kind, and so the

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Speaker 4: mutuality that you're talking about. So the guy you're dating

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Speaker 4: last night had a hankering, You're like, I kind of don't,

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Speaker 4: but I could kind of find it's not a big deal.

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Speaker 4: I don't feel put upon by this. And again, those

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Speaker 4: are conscious choices that you make, and your point was

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Speaker 4: well taken that you have like a culinary adventure because

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Speaker 4: you didn't feel like what you normally ate and it

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Speaker 4: ended up kind of being interesting to you, And there's

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Speaker 4: no problem with that. It's making choices that are mindful

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Speaker 4: and not compulsive, not driven by fear, not unconscious, which

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Speaker 4: is what so much of the time they are a Actually,

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Speaker 4: when you're a people pleaser, right right, You're you're literally

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Speaker 4: your default position is is cool.

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Speaker 2: Right, And I suffer from that, like I suffer from rejection.

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Speaker 2: I want to keep people happy.

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Speaker 3: I'm non confrontational, and I mean this, this relationship is

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Speaker 3: new to me, so I am trying. I'm making and

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Speaker 3: we can get into this in a minute too, Like

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Speaker 3: my word of the year's purpose, which I'm wearing this today,

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Speaker 3: my Justin Bieber purpose sweatshirt that I ordered form eBay,

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Speaker 3: but I am I want to be very purposeful in it.

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Speaker 3: So I am like, I'm trying to not be a

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Speaker 3: people pleaser whilst also still leaning in and like wanting

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Speaker 3: to get to know him and know what his desires

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Speaker 3: and his preferences and all of those things are too,

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Speaker 3: because I think that's important, especially in a romantic relationship.

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Speaker 3: You know, obviously there are boundaries that exist in the

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Speaker 3: workspace and in family relationships and those sorts of things.

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Speaker 3: But I think in the beginning, particularly for me, of

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Speaker 3: this romantic relationship, like I'm learning my boundaries.

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Speaker 2: Within that sphere. Yes, as it pertains to this one

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Speaker 2: particular relationship.

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Speaker 4: Yes, But I have a question for you. So you

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Speaker 4: want to get to know your person, you're interested in them,

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Speaker 4: I want them to get to know you, right, So

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Speaker 4: where is this space? Because here's what ends up happening

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Speaker 4: a lot of times when we are as you described,

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Speaker 4: and I was exactly the same, So I totally get it.

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Speaker 4: Conflict avoidant and just want it to be smooth, and

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Speaker 4: want to be accepted and want to be loved. Of course,

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Speaker 4: this is literally what we all want. So really it's like,

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Speaker 4: how much of the time do you become sort of

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Speaker 4: an expert listener an expert interviewer? Like I can't tell

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Speaker 4: you how many conversations I hid behind, like never revealing

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Speaker 4: anything about myself because I was so good at getting

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Speaker 4: other people to talk about themselves. Oh, tell me more

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Speaker 4: about that, and what about this? And then what happened?

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Speaker 4: And partly because I didn't want to be vulnerable unconsciously

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Speaker 4: this was a conscious but partly because I wanted to

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Speaker 4: have control. Yeah, of the conversation and I wanted it

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Speaker 4: to go smoothly, and I was worried about a pregnant

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Speaker 4: pause And does that make sense?

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Speaker 1: Really, it's like your own way of trying to get

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Speaker 1: safety in a situation.

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Speaker 4: And all boundary issues, right, things are boundary issues.

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Speaker 1: I was looking earlier. I was telling you I was

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Speaker 1: stalking your instagram, which also has a really great instagram.

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Speaker 1: If you guys struggle with boundaries, I highly suggested I'll

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Speaker 1: put it in the description of this podcast that under

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Speaker 1: your bio you say helping women liberate themselves with boundaries

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Speaker 1: to break the cycle of overfunctioning. And I was like,

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Speaker 1: WHOA shots fired, Terry, Like, I feel like you to

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Speaker 1: follow me, but I wanted to know because that is me,

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Speaker 1: like the overfunctioning until I literally like my life is

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Speaker 1: falling apart because I'm overfunctioning in a relationship to try

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Speaker 1: to maintain things because I think it's going to make

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Speaker 1: it work or whatever. But do women struggle with that

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Speaker 1: more than men? I was wondering why you specifically address

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Speaker 1: women in your bio.

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Speaker 4: I mean, I'm more of an expert. I would say

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Speaker 4: women in kay, right, that that's more of my audience

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Speaker 4: for us than straight men. You're like, well, hello, and

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Speaker 4: I do think you know. Part of my actually the

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Speaker 4: next book that I'm writing right now is about high

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Speaker 4: functioning codependency. Yeah, which is basically what you what resonated

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Speaker 4: with you, that whole high functioning piece. And the reason

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Speaker 4: because the foundation of high functioning codependency or any codependency

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Speaker 4: is disordered boundaries. Right, And when you think about it,

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Speaker 4: even though most people don't think about it this way,

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Speaker 4: at its real base, codependency is an overt or a

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Speaker 4: covert bid to control the outcomes of others. Right. It

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Speaker 4: means you are overly invested in the feeling states, the situations,

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Speaker 4: the circumstances, the jobs, the relationships, the decisions of the

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Speaker 4: people in your life to the detriment of your own

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Speaker 4: internal peace and maybe your psychological well being, maybe financial wellbeing,

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Speaker 4: spiritual wellbeing for all of the things.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: So when I started my practice, I was attracting a

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Speaker 4: lot of women who are like me, which are highly capable,

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Speaker 4: very high functioning. And so when I would say, oh, hey,

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Speaker 4: what I'm seeing this is a codependent dynamic, they would

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Speaker 4: be like, yeah, no, you're wrong, lady, You misunderstand what's happening.

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Speaker 4: You don't know what your job is it because they

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Speaker 4: think of codependent. They're like, no, I'm independent. Look at

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Speaker 4: all the stuff I'm doing, because that's what I first thought.

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Speaker 4: I'm in recovery for coindependency. So this is been a

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Speaker 4: journey for me as well. But is that what they

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Speaker 4: were thinking?

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Speaker 3: Like?

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Speaker 4: Well, they were like, I'm not dependent on squad exactly.

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Speaker 4: I am the one that everyone comes to. I'm making

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Speaker 4: all the dough, I'm supporting.

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Speaker 1: All the problems.

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Speaker 4: I'm fixing all the problems. I'm the rock in my family.

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Speaker 4: How can you insult me by telling me I'm codependent?

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Speaker 4: So after years of this same response, I needed a

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Speaker 4: way to get in to my people because they were suffering. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: you're not going to stop suffering until we can identify

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Speaker 4: what it actually is and then change the behavior. And

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Speaker 4: so I coined a new phrase because there are differences

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Speaker 4: between regular old melody baby codependent no more got to

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Speaker 4: be involved with an addict enabling codebeddancy and the high

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Speaker 4: functioning codependency. So as soon as I came up with

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Speaker 4: this name, then my clients were like, oh it definitely.

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Speaker 4: Everyone then was leaning in and being like, oh, my God,

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Speaker 4: that is me and holy crap, I'm exhausted.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so interesting because I love that you're talking

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Speaker 1: about that because I find and like even when I say, oh,

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Speaker 1: I'm in recovery for codependency, people like what you're not.

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Speaker 1: Because I like am a high functioning human in the

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Speaker 1: areas of my life until it falls apart. But that's

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Speaker 1: been the thing is like, you know, I can do

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Speaker 1: a lot of things, and I can do a lot

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Speaker 1: of jobs and like show up and so it doesn't

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Speaker 1: look like like I'm not sitting around just like waiting

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Speaker 1: for a man to fix my life. You know. If anything,

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Speaker 1: it's the opposite in most cases. But that's where people

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Speaker 1: get codependency wrong. And so it's really interesting to hear

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Speaker 1: because I think a lot of times we think like

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Speaker 1: we're doing something kind for someone else, and it's really

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Speaker 1: like the people pleasing and the overfunctioning and all this stuff,

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Speaker 1: it's really for us. And that's like, it's a big

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Speaker 1: thing that I've had to really accept, is like that's

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Speaker 1: not the kind generous thing to do for them right now,

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Speaker 1: actually saying no or holding a boundary or not doing

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Speaker 1: it for them and like allowing them a space to

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Speaker 1: do it for themselves is the kindest thing we can

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Speaker 1: do for other people.

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Speaker 4: Agreed, But think about it this way. When people come

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Speaker 4: to us and they've had a problem and we're just

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Speaker 4: auto fixing our asses off, we just cannot wait to

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Speaker 4: get in and be like, I've got a book recommendation,

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Speaker 4: I'm gonna hook you up with my friend who's a doctor.

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Speaker 4: I've got I'm on Google right now answers for you.

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Speaker 1: It's yes, I did a podcast about this, and.

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Speaker 4: Here's who you should follow. It's going to be great.

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Speaker 4: But what we're doing, and this was so humbling for

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Speaker 4: me to really get, is that we're centering ourselves in

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Speaker 4: the middle of the person's problem. Now, your problem is

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Speaker 4: just about me as the solution. I've got it. You're

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Speaker 4: good because I'm uncomfortable with you being in pain, so

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Speaker 4: I need I'm compulsively trying to fix my own discomfort

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Speaker 4: with your pain right so there, it is so distressing

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Speaker 4: to me that you're in pain that I'm I can't

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Speaker 4: even stop myself right until you're in recovery. It's like

431
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,639
Speaker 4: I couldn't even stop myself from making suggestions, from lending money,

432
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:09,960
Speaker 4: from doing all the crap but when my therapist was like,

433
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:12,320
Speaker 4: I had a situation with one of my sisters who

434
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:16,879
Speaker 4: was in a terrible abusive situation. Literally no exaggeration, no

435
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,760
Speaker 4: filter needed, living in the woods in a house that

436
00:23:19,840 --> 00:23:22,720
Speaker 4: had no running water or electricity, with a guy who

437
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:26,080
Speaker 4: was doing crack and being physically abusive. That's that's the

438
00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 4: actual situation. Yeah, so this is very bad and very

439
00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:33,119
Speaker 4: bad when your coat abandon because I couldn't. I was

440
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 4: obsessed with like saving her from herself, from her choices

441
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,960
Speaker 4: from him. I mean, all the revenge fantasies, all the

442
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,159
Speaker 4: money that I threw at it. And I remember calling

443
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,479
Speaker 4: my talking to my therapist and I was crying and

444
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 4: being like I just can't take it. She tells me

445
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,639
Speaker 4: how terrible he is to her and how abusive he

446
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,159
Speaker 4: is and he's hitting her, and you know what am

447
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:55,159
Speaker 4: I going to do? And she was like, terror, what

448
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 4: are you going to do? I was like yeah, yeah,

449
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,880
Speaker 4: Like what am I going to do? She's like yeah, okay.

450
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:05,800
Speaker 4: So then she explained, She's like, listen, do you know

451
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,120
Speaker 4: what's going on here? And I was like, uh no,

452
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,680
Speaker 4: but clearly not by what you're saying. So how about

453
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,639
Speaker 4: just fill me in and she said, you've worked for

454
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,359
Speaker 4: twenty years to create a lot of internal peace, and

455
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:20,680
Speaker 4: you have a pretty harmonious life. Your sister's dumpster fire

456
00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,879
Speaker 4: of a life is really messing with your peace, and

457
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:29,000
Speaker 4: you want it to stop, right, You want it to stop,

458
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 4: so you want to fix that so you can go

459
00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:38,360
Speaker 4: back to your like unicorns and butterflies. That's a good point.

460
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,040
Speaker 1: It's so true, and like are oftentimes too, Like if

461
00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:45,920
Speaker 1: someone's going through something, you know, like they're not themselves

462
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,480
Speaker 1: and so you're like, I just need you to get

463
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:49,520
Speaker 1: back to normal so that we can go like have

464
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:52,480
Speaker 1: fun again and live our lives and that kind of

465
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:53,400
Speaker 1: thing too.

466
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,480
Speaker 4: Yep. But what I learned though, and the end of

467
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 4: the end is I was like, I didn't know I

468
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,480
Speaker 4: had a choice. So this is another thing with high

469
00:25:01,520 --> 00:25:05,520
Speaker 4: functioning codependency or any codependency. I literally did not know

470
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,919
Speaker 4: that I was allowed to not throw myself under that

471
00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,359
Speaker 4: bus on a daily basis. I didn't know. So I

472
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 4: said to my therapist, so what do you mean. She's like, Tara,

473
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,720
Speaker 4: you need boundaries and you need to communicate them with

474
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,159
Speaker 4: your sister and tell her it's too painful for you

475
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:21,720
Speaker 4: to talk to her all the time while she's in

476
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:25,159
Speaker 4: this situation. And then I said, but I want to

477
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 4: help her if she wants to get out, like I

478
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 4: still want to be her person. She's like them, say

479
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:32,120
Speaker 4: that call my sister told her. Within nine months, I'd

480
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,800
Speaker 4: say maybe. We talked twice, and at the end of

481
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 4: nine months, she was like, HI, if your offer still stands,

482
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,159
Speaker 4: I want to get the buck out of here. And

483
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 4: I was like, I'm getting in my car right now,

484
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,959
Speaker 4: went and picked her up. My husband and I had

485
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,639
Speaker 4: this little lake house. We let her live there for

486
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,000
Speaker 4: two years, like winter rised it for her. Just she

487
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,639
Speaker 4: went back to school, she got sober. But here's the

488
00:25:50,720 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 4: most important part of this story is that it wasn't

489
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:59,520
Speaker 4: because I was the hero in her story. It was

490
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:04,119
Speaker 4: because she was the hero in her story. So the

491
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,680
Speaker 4: changes that she made stuck because they weren't about her

492
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,840
Speaker 4: pleasing me. It was about her reaching that bottom that

493
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:13,800
Speaker 4: you have to reach to decide you're going to change

494
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:17,359
Speaker 4: your life and then appropriately asking for the help that

495
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:21,040
Speaker 4: I said would be there. So that was a win win,

496
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,840
Speaker 4: even though those nine months were long and that was

497
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,920
Speaker 4: hard to do. But that is exactly what you were

498
00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,840
Speaker 4: saying before about you know, Kelly, you were saying before

499
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 4: about like the loving thing to do, Yeah, is not

500
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,400
Speaker 4: making her situation about me.

501
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,320
Speaker 1: Right, because I mean when we're talking more about I

502
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,399
Speaker 1: guess addiction specific situations. But I think people can apply

503
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,480
Speaker 1: this to any sort of toxic dynamic in your you know,

504
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,040
Speaker 1: people in your life. If you're observing that it feels

505
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:52,600
Speaker 1: cruel to be like I can't pull you out of

506
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:54,679
Speaker 1: this and fix this for you, like you have to

507
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,919
Speaker 1: do that for yourself or to me, it does like

508
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,680
Speaker 1: I'm like, I love this person, why wouldn't I help them?

509
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,119
Speaker 1: But you made such a good point of like it

510
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: doesn't stick unless they are the ones to do it

511
00:27:06,119 --> 00:27:08,560
Speaker 1: for themselves. And that's what I think a lot of

512
00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,520
Speaker 1: people in recovery learn along the way, is like, especially

513
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,840
Speaker 1: if people are deciding to get sober, like I can't

514
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: make anybody get sober. It's not going to stop. It's

515
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 1: not going to like fix it for them.

516
00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:23,280
Speaker 4: But also robbing them of their sovereignty. And I think

517
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:27,160
Speaker 4: that that's something that's really important. Why shouldn't I help them?

518
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:28,879
Speaker 4: What makes you think you know what they should do?

519
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 1: Right? Like I'm not God, Well, that's.

520
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,679
Speaker 4: My therapist said into my face. She was like, what

521
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 4: makes you think you know what lessons your sister needs

522
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,760
Speaker 4: to learn? In this Les's exactly right? And I was like,

523
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 4: what do you mean? I don't think she needs to

524
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:42,240
Speaker 4: live in a house without running water? And she's like, hey,

525
00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 4: well you don't, are you? God is? Do you know

526
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:49,160
Speaker 4: how she's going to learn? You don't. And so it's

527
00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:54,480
Speaker 4: so presumptuous to think like I know what you should do.

528
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 4: I don't know what you should do, but I love

529
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,159
Speaker 4: you and I'm here and I'll listen and I'll do

530
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:04,960
Speaker 4: whatever I can do. But it's it's like that shifted

531
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:08,399
Speaker 4: it as well, because I felt the same way about like,

532
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:13,360
Speaker 4: she's my sister. How can I not Yeah? My therapist

533
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 4: was like, but you can't eat this. What you have

534
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,560
Speaker 4: in your mind that you think you're doing is an

535
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 4: illusion of controllatary. It's not real. You don't have control.

536
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:27,200
Speaker 4: Your sister's gonna change when and if she reaches a

537
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 4: point of pain, tipping point, or she's willing the pain

538
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,879
Speaker 4: of leaving. Right, the pain of staying is overpowering the

539
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 4: pain of leaving.

540
00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: I have a question, because you know, we talked a

541
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 1: lot about this ship the last couple of months. My

542
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,360
Speaker 1: I'm sorry the last couple of weeks that was the

543
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:48,040
Speaker 1: wrong word. My word for this year in general is

544
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,960
Speaker 1: dare and ship's his purpose, and so we've really applied

545
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 1: all of our topics this month to that. And it

546
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 1: was funny because like when I was talking to your

547
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:58,360
Speaker 1: rap about doing a podcast, I was like, actually, this

548
00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:02,760
Speaker 1: is the perfect time is to me, boundaries are literally

549
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,560
Speaker 1: the most daring thing that I'm doing in my life

550
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: right now. And some people might be like, what, that's ridiculous,

551
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,640
Speaker 1: but when you know my journey of that, Like I

552
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:15,640
Speaker 1: remember when I first started recovery, I set a boundary

553
00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:20,000
Speaker 1: and I sobbed for hours after setting it, like it

554
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,360
Speaker 1: was the and it was so simple, like I can't

555
00:29:22,360 --> 00:29:24,600
Speaker 1: go to lunch with you, and the person was like okay,

556
00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:27,040
Speaker 1: and I was like, you know it was. It broke me.

557
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 1: And then there's the other side of it that I

558
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:32,960
Speaker 1: do where I'll wait, i'll wait, i'll wait, I'll stuff

559
00:29:32,960 --> 00:29:35,320
Speaker 1: all stuff, all stuff, and then I explode. It's like

560
00:29:35,360 --> 00:29:37,040
Speaker 1: the only way I can set of boundaries if I'm

561
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:40,280
Speaker 1: so angry that I can't function. So can you talk

562
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,840
Speaker 1: a little bit to people who might be listening that

563
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:45,960
Speaker 1: are like me, or they resonate with that where it's

564
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 1: just like the simplest things even can seem so overwhelming

565
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 1: and so like setting a boundary can be daring. Why

566
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:56,320
Speaker 1: is that? Like, why are they so hard?

567
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:01,840
Speaker 4: Because we're afraid it's the little well, it's the kid.

568
00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:05,080
Speaker 4: All of us have children within, right, and trust me,

569
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 4: before I became a psychotherapist, I was like what, No, Yeah,

570
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,240
Speaker 4: like I had no I had no love for the

571
00:30:11,320 --> 00:30:14,440
Speaker 4: child within John Bradshaw' stuff until I became a therapist.

572
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:18,479
Speaker 4: And then I was like, oh my god, this is

573
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:22,600
Speaker 4: so important. This is so true that all of us

574
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,239
Speaker 4: have the little kid us where we know we've had

575
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 4: different experiences at different phases of development that make us

576
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 4: vulnerable to different disordered types of relationships in adulthood or

577
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:38,240
Speaker 4: relationships to substances or whatever it is. So it's so

578
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:42,160
Speaker 4: hard because it's the six year old you who can't

579
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,120
Speaker 4: just like hitch it out of there to go like

580
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,480
Speaker 4: rent an airbnb, right, Like we're kids are the most

581
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:51,960
Speaker 4: you know, the ultimate captive audience where whatever was going

582
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 4: on in the family of origin, we figured out how

583
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,400
Speaker 4: to survive that. The good, the bad, the dis ordered,

584
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,400
Speaker 4: the dysfunctional, the painful, the abuse of the addicted. And

585
00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 4: so when you're having that experience, that crying experience, that

586
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,960
Speaker 4: isn't the adult to you. That's the little kid you

587
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:17,400
Speaker 4: who could never do it in childhood and has waited.

588
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:20,040
Speaker 4: Not just you waiting four months to do it with

589
00:31:20,080 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 4: this person, it's you waiting forty years to do it

590
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:26,000
Speaker 4: or thirty years to do it in your life. And

591
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,280
Speaker 4: so the way that I teach it in Boundary Boss,

592
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 4: the book itself, is there's a way to create proactive

593
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:37,200
Speaker 4: boundary plans, but you do a whole internal deep dive

594
00:31:38,040 --> 00:31:42,760
Speaker 4: before that. So identifying anybody listening who's like, I don't

595
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:46,200
Speaker 4: even know where to start, but help. It seems so overwhelming,

596
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 4: Which is what everyone says when we talk about boundaries

597
00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:52,040
Speaker 4: is I will invite you to do something that's super

598
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 4: quick to do. Do a resentment inventory, because that's going

599
00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 4: to tell you a boundary or where you haven't been

600
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 4: asserting a boundary, or where you've asserted a boundary and

601
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 4: the person is violating the boundary. Right, a need is

602
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:11,680
Speaker 4: going unmet. If we are feeling resentful in relationships, some

603
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,480
Speaker 4: need of ours is going unmet.

604
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:17,520
Speaker 1: So if you do that statement, y'all think about that though.

605
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:21,560
Speaker 1: If you're mad, like if you're feeling resentful, it's because

606
00:32:21,560 --> 00:32:23,360
Speaker 1: a need is not getting met. I think a lot

607
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:25,160
Speaker 1: of times we want to make it about the other person.

608
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:29,719
Speaker 1: You said this at the beginning, it's about us, and

609
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: it's about our need not being met. Sorry to cut

610
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:33,240
Speaker 1: you off, I just correct touch a good point.

611
00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,000
Speaker 4: No, no, no, I think that it's really important, and I

612
00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 4: agree with you co I don't think that people look

613
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,640
Speaker 4: at it from that way. It's almost like we look

614
00:32:42,680 --> 00:32:45,280
Speaker 4: at relationships in this very two dimensional way. It's like

615
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,720
Speaker 4: you're wrong and I'm right. You stepped out on me,

616
00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:50,720
Speaker 4: so now you're the bad one, and now you could

617
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:52,880
Speaker 4: make it up to me. But like in this two

618
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:57,920
Speaker 4: dimensional way, but there is always a parallel process going

619
00:32:57,960 --> 00:33:02,640
Speaker 4: on underneath whatever is happening on the surface. So if

620
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:05,960
Speaker 4: you find yourself in a repeated situation where you're like, wow,

621
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:09,720
Speaker 4: I'm in another relationship with an unavailable person. How the

622
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 4: hell did I get here? Again? There is something that

623
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,600
Speaker 4: you are repeating, right, Because there's this great Christine Obah

624
00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:20,960
Speaker 4: has this great quote. We repeat what we do, not repair,

625
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 4: and that is a fact, especially when it comes to relationships.

626
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 4: So any repeated thing in your life where you're like,

627
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,640
Speaker 4: how am I have no money again? How am I

628
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 4: say I'm gonna work out and didn't do it again?

629
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:36,840
Speaker 4: Or I'm going to stop drinking during the week and

630
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:38,840
Speaker 4: I keep drinking during the week, like how am I

631
00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 4: here again? I'm going to give you, guys, three questions

632
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:47,120
Speaker 4: that you can ask yourself to get clarity on what

633
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:52,240
Speaker 4: is actually happening. Because as human beings, we can only

634
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:59,040
Speaker 4: talk things out or act things out. So if you

635
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:01,880
Speaker 4: have this repeated situation that you're like, why am I

636
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 4: here again, you're acting something out that if we can

637
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:10,120
Speaker 4: identify the original injury, you then have the option to

638
00:34:10,400 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 4: talk it out, to journal it out, to write it out,

639
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:14,160
Speaker 4: to talk to your friend, to get into therapy. Like

640
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,000
Speaker 4: there's all kinds of things, but this stuff is in

641
00:34:17,080 --> 00:34:21,080
Speaker 4: your unconscious mind. This is like in the basement of

642
00:34:21,120 --> 00:34:24,000
Speaker 4: your mind. So the questions are this, if you find

643
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 4: yourself in a relationship, let's say, with an unavailable person again,

644
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,680
Speaker 4: you say, who does this person remind me of? Okay,

645
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,799
Speaker 4: where have I felt like this before? And how or

646
00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:37,719
Speaker 4: why is the behavioral dynamic the way I'm interacting with them,

647
00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:40,920
Speaker 4: the way they're interacting with me. How is that familiar?

648
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:43,560
Speaker 4: Because you may have witnessed it, it doesn't mean you

649
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:47,200
Speaker 4: had to have experienced it yourself. Maybe you saw that

650
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 4: dynamic with the adults that raised you. You know what

651
00:34:51,239 --> 00:34:55,799
Speaker 4: I mean, we could still be playing out those things.

652
00:34:55,960 --> 00:34:59,799
Speaker 1: I'm processing because yeah, go ahead, tip well, I.

653
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,320
Speaker 3: Mean, and I I don't know if this is a

654
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,960
Speaker 3: huge gearshift, just say so we can get to it.

655
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:09,400
Speaker 3: But like I'm thinking, when I'm listening, I'm hearing a

656
00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:12,319
Speaker 3: lot about myself, but I'm also thinking about the work

657
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,719
Speaker 3: that I do. And I work in music management, so

658
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:19,400
Speaker 3: we basically there's a lot of serving other people. You know.

659
00:35:19,840 --> 00:35:21,920
Speaker 1: What's what she was saying at the beginning.

660
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:24,319
Speaker 2: I'm a professional codependent, you know.

661
00:35:24,560 --> 00:35:30,160
Speaker 3: And yes, so you know it's obviously it's like you know,

662
00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:32,640
Speaker 3: and I do. I love what I do, so I

663
00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:35,560
Speaker 3: don't mean for that to sound negative. But I'm also, like,

664
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 3: you know, mindful of how much I work, and especially

665
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,560
Speaker 3: in going into this new relationship.

666
00:35:41,800 --> 00:35:43,759
Speaker 2: I'm in an album really cycled. I'm like, hey, I

667
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,359
Speaker 2: just need you to know the next four weeks are

668
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:46,239
Speaker 2: going to be insane for me.

669
00:35:46,360 --> 00:35:49,120
Speaker 3: And it's but I want to like be purposeful and

670
00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:52,600
Speaker 3: make as much time for him as possible. And I

671
00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 3: don't even know what that's going to look like yet,

672
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:59,080
Speaker 3: you know. So I'm just wondering, like the difference between

673
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:03,400
Speaker 3: like when it's romance and professional, Like, how much harder

674
00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 3: should we expect boundaries to be? Because when it affects

675
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:08,760
Speaker 3: your livelihood and you being able to pay your mortgage

676
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:11,799
Speaker 3: and put fuit on your table, I would imagine that

677
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 3: as a different level of stress than like having to

678
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:17,520
Speaker 3: find another significant other, especially if it's your you know,

679
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,160
Speaker 3: your serial data or whatever it is. And you know,

680
00:36:21,640 --> 00:36:24,319
Speaker 3: obviously if you're in a committed marriage or something, it's

681
00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:25,760
Speaker 3: a different level of stress.

682
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,200
Speaker 2: But yeah, I'm just curious.

683
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:31,840
Speaker 4: Well, here's the thing about being a professional codependent, Yes, agreed.

684
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:34,160
Speaker 4: People in the service industry, who do I see in

685
00:36:34,200 --> 00:36:37,880
Speaker 4: my in my practice so much, you know, trauma nurses

686
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:43,719
Speaker 4: like people who life is service, that's what it is,

687
00:36:44,200 --> 00:36:50,359
Speaker 4: and that mindset is melding into their personal life. So

688
00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:54,200
Speaker 4: the first thing is mindfulness. And you can also be

689
00:36:55,600 --> 00:37:00,600
Speaker 4: in a you can be in a service industry and

690
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:06,319
Speaker 4: have boundaries, right, you can actually be healthy because what

691
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:08,319
Speaker 4: I find in working with I mean a lot of

692
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 4: the people I've worked with super high profile people. Is

693
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 4: that especially in my private practice now right where it's

694
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:22,560
Speaker 4: like they respect me being honest and not being like

695
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,759
Speaker 4: everyone else. It's like the Elvis syndrome. This is what

696
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:26,880
Speaker 4: they you know, when I would always be counseling like

697
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 4: high profile people about you have to watch out for

698
00:37:29,080 --> 00:37:32,080
Speaker 4: the Elvis syndrome, which is that if you surround yourself

699
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,280
Speaker 4: with all of these bottom suckers who are there for money,

700
00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:38,720
Speaker 4: who don't give a crap about you, nobody is telling

701
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:41,560
Speaker 4: you the truth about what you're doing, how you're acting,

702
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,319
Speaker 4: how you're impacting others. Nobody but I will, and maybe

703
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:48,840
Speaker 4: you'll fire me, and that's okay. But I'm telling you

704
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:51,319
Speaker 4: right now now, I'm not saying with doing what you're doing,

705
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,960
Speaker 4: you're gonna like be you know, serving someone that information.

706
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:59,320
Speaker 4: But I also think it's okay to not take someone's

707
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 4: phone call it too in the morning, or to not

708
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 4: be available twenty four to seven, because the unrealistic lives,

709
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 4: the how demanding people who have this crazy power in

710
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,879
Speaker 4: our society and working with and I've worked with all

711
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:18,160
Speaker 4: different kinds from pop stars to professional athletes where it's

712
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 4: like not real life, right, right, not real life, and

713
00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:26,520
Speaker 4: everyone is like, you're so amazing and I don't want

714
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:29,400
Speaker 4: you know, it's all about you being happy person, and

715
00:38:29,480 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 4: I'm like, why to stop it?

716
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:32,200
Speaker 2: Right?

717
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:34,840
Speaker 4: First of all, happiness is not a destination. This is

718
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:38,279
Speaker 4: just moments of happiness. That's kind even normal to think that.

719
00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:42,160
Speaker 4: And wait a minute, this is called just because in

720
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 4: your life everything is instant gratification. That's not life, and

721
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,719
Speaker 4: that's that's not a life that I want to be

722
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 4: involved with. So I think that one thing is to

723
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 4: look at how your behavior in your work. Are there

724
00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,200
Speaker 4: places where you can sort of tighten up your preferences,

725
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 4: your limits, and your boundaries. That makes sense, right, We're

726
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,879
Speaker 4: not talking about extremes, right when you're not telling off

727
00:39:06,960 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 4: like the lead singer of whatever. Right, it's not that.

728
00:39:10,200 --> 00:39:14,359
Speaker 4: It's about how are you taking care of yourself while

729
00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:20,879
Speaker 4: you're expending so much bandwidth towards the service of others? Right,

730
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 4: so upping the self care? And then there has to

731
00:39:24,680 --> 00:39:30,840
Speaker 4: be a delineation between work and boyfriend land, work and home,

732
00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 4: work and real life where in your own mind, I

733
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:37,000
Speaker 4: always have my clients go through some kind of a

734
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:42,360
Speaker 4: ritual where you're like energetically leaving the day, change change

735
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,359
Speaker 4: to a different hoodie right when you get tonight time

736
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,880
Speaker 4: is now we're going to have a different Hurney for

737
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:52,560
Speaker 4: we're going around to Mexico or or just a different

738
00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:56,960
Speaker 4: justin Bieber, so that energetically we're sort of moving into

739
00:39:57,040 --> 00:40:01,399
Speaker 4: the next place. And really, again going back to what

740
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:09,600
Speaker 4: you were saying, you can check your urgency around things,

741
00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:13,239
Speaker 4: you can check your resentment because if we're feeling really

742
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:17,560
Speaker 4: urgent around doing something for someone or like someone has

743
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:21,520
Speaker 4: a problem and the urgency suddenly their problem has lit

744
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 4: a fire in my chest where it now is literally

745
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:28,759
Speaker 4: my problem. Now I'm not talking about work there, I'm

746
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:32,520
Speaker 4: talking about home because sometimes your client's problem is your

747
00:40:32,560 --> 00:40:34,640
Speaker 4: problem if it's your job to fix it. Right. So

748
00:40:35,239 --> 00:40:40,080
Speaker 4: again we need discernment in the workspace around boundaries, but

749
00:40:40,239 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 4: in home life and romantic life it's the mindfulness piece,

750
00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:47,719
Speaker 4: which is why I'm a meditation teacher and i have

751
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:50,279
Speaker 4: meditation CDs and I'm on insight timer with a million

752
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:56,560
Speaker 4: meditations because it's such an important part of people being

753
00:40:56,600 --> 00:41:02,800
Speaker 4: healthy is having some internal stillness and silence which gives

754
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:08,319
Speaker 4: you about two seconds more reaction time. Right, So you're

755
00:41:08,360 --> 00:41:11,920
Speaker 4: not on autopilot because it's so easy to just as

756
00:41:12,000 --> 00:41:14,359
Speaker 4: my teacher David g would say, wake up, burn through

757
00:41:14,400 --> 00:41:15,959
Speaker 4: the day, drop and do it all over again.

758
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:20,560
Speaker 1: You know, I think that's so good too. I love

759
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:23,480
Speaker 1: all of that because also taking the time to pause

760
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 1: or meditate or any of that stuff. It goes back

761
00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,400
Speaker 1: to what we were talking about with self abandoning, Like

762
00:41:27,719 --> 00:41:31,400
Speaker 1: when you're sitting with yourself in those moments, you're actually

763
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,480
Speaker 1: able to say, like, what is going on for me?

764
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,800
Speaker 1: And like when I can identify it within myself, whether

765
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 1: it's work where I'm struggling because Chip and I both

766
00:41:40,640 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 1: work in the same industry, or relationships. I mean, they're

767
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 1: all the same to me. I struggle in all of it.

768
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:48,440
Speaker 1: I realized I didn't realize it, but it just it's

769
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:50,399
Speaker 1: all crossover. If you don't do boundaries, you just don't

770
00:41:50,440 --> 00:41:52,359
Speaker 1: do them in any of your life. But so when

771
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:54,600
Speaker 1: I sit with myself, I can say, like why am

772
00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:57,520
Speaker 1: I resentful? Or why am I bitching about that person today?

773
00:41:57,880 --> 00:41:59,560
Speaker 1: And most of the time it's like you said, I

774
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,560
Speaker 1: just need to set a boundary, and I can come

775
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,040
Speaker 1: to a kind calm way to do that. You know,

776
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:06,920
Speaker 1: if I sit with myself for a second. Yeah, do

777
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:09,120
Speaker 1: you have tips? I know we were running out of time,

778
00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,399
Speaker 1: but do you have tips? And I'm sure the book

779
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:15,759
Speaker 1: addresses this, but of how to clearly communicate because to me,

780
00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:19,560
Speaker 1: like boundaries are getting easier and instead of being in

781
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:22,120
Speaker 1: the child place where I want to cry and I'm like, oh,

782
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:23,719
Speaker 1: I don't know, just don't do that. It makes me bad.

783
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:28,240
Speaker 1: You know, I'm able to clearly communicate what I need

784
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:30,960
Speaker 1: or what need I need am doing without even being

785
00:42:31,040 --> 00:42:34,360
Speaker 1: like aggressive with the other person about what it's not

786
00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 1: about what they're doing. It's like this is me and

787
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:39,600
Speaker 1: this is a statement or I'm probably not saying that right,

788
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:42,160
Speaker 1: But do you have tips for us to learn about

789
00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:45,960
Speaker 1: boundaries of like clearly communicating in an easy manner?

790
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:49,480
Speaker 4: Of course I do. Yeah, And I mean there's a

791
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:53,080
Speaker 4: whole chapter, okay in Boundary Boss, which people can get

792
00:42:53,080 --> 00:42:56,879
Speaker 4: at boundarybossbook dot com. Okay, and there's a whole bunch

793
00:42:56,880 --> 00:43:00,760
Speaker 4: of bonuses there too, But I create a whole chapter.

794
00:43:00,800 --> 00:43:03,279
Speaker 4: But I'll let let's talk about some easy frames and

795
00:43:03,320 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 4: some some sentence starters that people can take away from

796
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:11,120
Speaker 4: this podcast, where the first thing is knowing what the

797
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:14,400
Speaker 4: problem is and not doing what you said, not waiting

798
00:43:14,719 --> 00:43:18,400
Speaker 4: until you're a volcano the second you start feeling that

799
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:21,680
Speaker 4: bug in your chest or your throat or wherever you

800
00:43:21,719 --> 00:43:23,800
Speaker 4: get it. Because we all are bod the wisdom of

801
00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 4: our bodies is profound. Trust me, somebody says something, you

802
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,719
Speaker 4: don't say anything at the moment, your body registered that

803
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:34,080
Speaker 4: shit immediately, and if you think about it later, you're like, oh,

804
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:38,200
Speaker 4: when did I start getting in a bad mood? It was, Yes,

805
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:41,120
Speaker 4: it's when Betty interrupted me during the team meeting and

806
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:44,400
Speaker 4: stole my thunder right or whatever the thing is. We

807
00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:49,799
Speaker 4: identify what it is, and the sooner, like as soon

808
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:53,360
Speaker 4: as a boundary violation or you don't like something, I

809
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:57,160
Speaker 4: don't mean again, it has to be every minutia right,

810
00:43:57,640 --> 00:44:01,280
Speaker 4: But the sooner we can establish boundaries right early, and often,

811
00:44:02,080 --> 00:44:05,719
Speaker 4: I like to say, especially in relationships, because we're establishing

812
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:08,560
Speaker 4: how it's going to be. Yeah, So if you're if

813
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:12,080
Speaker 4: you're dating someone and they go, hey, i'll call you Friday,

814
00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 4: maybe we'll go out on Friday night. Don't hear from

815
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,440
Speaker 4: them Friday. Then Monday they call their like how's the weekend?

816
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:19,080
Speaker 4: Or they text you. Of course they wouldn't even call.

817
00:44:19,120 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 4: What am I saying, what is it? Nineteen eighty? So

818
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:26,359
Speaker 4: they text you and they're like, how is your weekend? Right?

819
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:31,520
Speaker 4: You can either collude with their bullshit reality because they

820
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:32,759
Speaker 4: didn't do what they said they were going to do,

821
00:44:32,800 --> 00:44:34,759
Speaker 4: which is call you on Friday and tell them how

822
00:44:34,760 --> 00:44:37,080
Speaker 4: your weekend was, or you can say, oh, when I

823
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:39,520
Speaker 4: didn't hear from you on Friday, I just figured you flaked.

824
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 4: I had a great weekend. How about you? Like, you

825
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:45,960
Speaker 4: say something and we don't need to be all agro

826
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:48,840
Speaker 4: about it, but you say something, and then if it

827
00:44:48,880 --> 00:44:52,920
Speaker 4: happens again, you're like, dude, here's the thing. I'm busy. Like,

828
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:54,319
Speaker 4: you don't need to tell me you're gonna call me

829
00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:56,320
Speaker 4: on Friday, but if you do say it, I expect

830
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:59,160
Speaker 4: you to keep your word. Now, yeah, you wouldn't say

831
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,239
Speaker 4: it with the annoyance I just said it with. So

832
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:03,440
Speaker 4: let's talk about how how would we say it?

833
00:45:03,880 --> 00:45:07,440
Speaker 1: I'm like, you think that was annoying, Terry not be mad.

834
00:45:10,680 --> 00:45:13,000
Speaker 4: So a really easy frame is I'd like to make

835
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:17,319
Speaker 4: a simple request. Okay, So that's that's the beginning, right,

836
00:45:17,360 --> 00:45:22,200
Speaker 4: and this is used in Marshall's work Easy Breezy. I'd

837
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:23,799
Speaker 4: like to make a simple request that if you're going

838
00:45:23,840 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 4: to be more than ten minutes, let you text me,

839
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 4: so I would have walked instead of taking an uber.

840
00:45:29,280 --> 00:45:30,560
Speaker 4: If I know you were going to be late, just

841
00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:34,719
Speaker 4: limit it. We're letting the person know. We don't have

842
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 4: to sit at the dinner all pissy, being withdrawn and anger,

843
00:45:38,239 --> 00:45:40,920
Speaker 4: giving one word answers to show them how mad we

844
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:44,000
Speaker 4: are without saying how mad we are. Because life is short,

845
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:46,880
Speaker 4: people like you don't need to spend any minutes of

846
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:49,560
Speaker 4: your life doing that, but we do. You know what

847
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:53,480
Speaker 4: I mean, So say it, you feel the annoyance, say it.

848
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 4: We're giving them an opportunity to do it. Hopefully the

849
00:45:56,480 --> 00:45:58,439
Speaker 4: next time they're going to be late, they're like, hey,

850
00:45:58,600 --> 00:46:00,160
Speaker 4: if you want to walk, walk, I'm not gonna be

851
00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:03,120
Speaker 4: there at six fifteen. Great, thank you. And how seen

852
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:08,399
Speaker 4: you feel, and how considered and loved you feel when

853
00:46:08,400 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 4: someone takes into consideration what you've asked them to do,

854
00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:14,600
Speaker 4: it's amazing. So by doing it, you're giving people the

855
00:46:14,600 --> 00:46:19,520
Speaker 4: opportunity to step up for you. And by holding resentment

856
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:23,040
Speaker 4: and just filing it in that resentment file cabinet, you're

857
00:46:23,080 --> 00:46:27,239
Speaker 4: not letting them right. We're not giving them an opportunity.

858
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:29,400
Speaker 4: I'd say for a lot of people, though, with the

859
00:46:29,600 --> 00:46:31,799
Speaker 4: kind of disordered boundaries that you're talking about, cal and

860
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:34,799
Speaker 4: really trip you too, is we want to stop the

861
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:40,360
Speaker 4: auto Yes, that's probably one of the most powerful ways

862
00:46:40,360 --> 00:46:44,880
Speaker 4: that we can put the brakes on our disordered boundary

863
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:51,360
Speaker 4: tendency or habituated patterns. So for seven days, no nothing,

864
00:46:51,400 --> 00:46:56,439
Speaker 4: There'll be no thing that you say an immediate yes too, right.

865
00:46:56,480 --> 00:46:58,239
Speaker 4: I mean unless it's like your boyfriend's like, do you

866
00:46:58,239 --> 00:46:59,000
Speaker 4: want to go out for dinner?

867
00:46:59,160 --> 00:46:59,319
Speaker 2: Yes?

868
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:01,279
Speaker 4: Okay, so you don't have to get back to them

869
00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 4: on that. But for most of us, where someone's like, oh,

870
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:06,480
Speaker 4: can you help me with this project? Can you help

871
00:47:06,520 --> 00:47:09,600
Speaker 4: me move? Can I borrow your car or your whatever

872
00:47:09,760 --> 00:47:12,600
Speaker 4: it is? Do you want to come to my house

873
00:47:12,640 --> 00:47:16,400
Speaker 4: for dinner? Right? All of these things give yourself the

874
00:47:16,480 --> 00:47:22,200
Speaker 4: luxury of time. Nobody needs it's an immediate answer from you. Literally,

875
00:47:22,239 --> 00:47:26,320
Speaker 4: not one person needs it. And so you've trained people

876
00:47:27,760 --> 00:47:30,400
Speaker 4: for what they can expect from you, and now you're

877
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:33,080
Speaker 4: going to retrain them. So for seven days, you're not

878
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:35,600
Speaker 4: giving any immediate yesses to things. You're going to say.

879
00:47:36,560 --> 00:47:40,920
Speaker 4: That's correct. He's in the middle of an album release,

880
00:47:43,520 --> 00:47:44,920
Speaker 4: so what are we going to say? What are we

881
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:47,319
Speaker 4: going to say? Instead, we're going to buy time. We're

882
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:49,399
Speaker 4: going to say, oh, hey, you know what, I need

883
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:51,480
Speaker 4: to check my schedule. I need to check with my boyfriend,

884
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:54,920
Speaker 4: my girlfriend. I'll get back to you tomorrow, or I'll

885
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:57,719
Speaker 4: get back to you on Wednesday, or I've instituted a

886
00:47:57,760 --> 00:48:00,759
Speaker 4: twenty four hour decision making policy, so I'll let you

887
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:03,080
Speaker 4: know by the end of day tomorrow. Right, Like, for

888
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:07,359
Speaker 4: my own sanity, I need I'm not positive what I'm doing.

889
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:09,919
Speaker 4: How about just I need to and think about it.

890
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:12,799
Speaker 4: Are we allowed to just think about things because we're

891
00:48:12,840 --> 00:48:15,120
Speaker 4: not sure that we want to do whatever the thing is.

892
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:19,400
Speaker 1: No, I love giving the like time though what you

893
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:21,560
Speaker 1: just said of like twenty four hours or end of

894
00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:23,480
Speaker 1: day or even if it was an hour, let me

895
00:48:23,520 --> 00:48:25,960
Speaker 1: think on that. I'll be back in an hour because

896
00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:29,000
Speaker 1: then it, like to me, calms the nervous system of

897
00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:31,600
Speaker 1: the other person too. And so there's not like like

898
00:48:31,640 --> 00:48:33,360
Speaker 1: you're making a commitment to show up.

899
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:34,600
Speaker 4: It's such a code of pic.

900
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:36,680
Speaker 1: No, it's not my job. I know it's my job.

901
00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:40,840
Speaker 1: Oh my god, to stop doing so like it doesn't

902
00:48:40,880 --> 00:48:42,920
Speaker 1: do the thing where they're like h Like I know

903
00:48:42,960 --> 00:48:45,360
Speaker 1: we deal with that in work because it is everything

904
00:48:45,440 --> 00:48:48,799
Speaker 1: is so urgent. So when I give people a time frame,

905
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:50,320
Speaker 1: they're like, Okay, cool.

906
00:48:50,920 --> 00:48:53,480
Speaker 4: Yes and listen, Yes, but we can call.

907
00:48:53,719 --> 00:48:55,680
Speaker 2: You're doing that for yourself. Is what you need to

908
00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:56,160
Speaker 2: be thinking of.

909
00:48:56,440 --> 00:48:57,960
Speaker 1: That's all I need to think about, isn't it.

910
00:48:58,080 --> 00:49:02,799
Speaker 4: Yes, because it makes you less anxious. Yeah, to give

911
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:06,040
Speaker 4: a timeframe because you're feeling like they won't come back

912
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,680
Speaker 4: to you again about it, or they won't be annoyed

913
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:13,879
Speaker 4: about it. But again, be mindful. How you feel has

914
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,600
Speaker 4: to be the most important thing. And that doesn't mean

915
00:49:16,719 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 4: especially being in entertainment or music. I mean that requires

916
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:26,839
Speaker 4: so much diplomacy and so much strategy social strategy in

917
00:49:27,239 --> 00:49:30,400
Speaker 4: that world. Dude, it's like I'm a spy. Like I

918
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:33,080
Speaker 4: could literally be a spy, like so good at reading

919
00:49:33,120 --> 00:49:36,719
Speaker 4: people reading the room, reading a micro change in a

920
00:49:36,719 --> 00:49:39,240
Speaker 4: facial expression, and then suddenly I would be like changing

921
00:49:39,280 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 4: what I was saying so that their unhappiness would go

922
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:46,120
Speaker 4: to happiness. Right, So what I meant was like avoiding

923
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:50,359
Speaker 4: all of the rejection and the pushback, and yet at

924
00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:55,440
Speaker 4: the expense of what so part of it is you

925
00:49:55,600 --> 00:49:58,440
Speaker 4: have to have boundaries there. And another thing I think

926
00:49:58,440 --> 00:50:00,480
Speaker 4: you guys are going to realize is that you can

927
00:50:00,520 --> 00:50:03,240
Speaker 4: still do your jobs, you can still deliver, but people

928
00:50:03,280 --> 00:50:05,920
Speaker 4: will have so much more respect.

929
00:50:06,280 --> 00:50:07,560
Speaker 1: It's so true for you.

930
00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:10,719
Speaker 3: I read I read a quote last week from Warren

931
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:13,680
Speaker 3: Buffett that said, the difference between successful people and really

932
00:50:13,719 --> 00:50:17,840
Speaker 3: successful people is that really successful people say no most.

933
00:50:17,640 --> 00:50:18,160
Speaker 2: Of the time.

934
00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:19,480
Speaker 4: It's yes, so true.

935
00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:21,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's really stuck with me.

936
00:50:21,800 --> 00:50:24,000
Speaker 3: I'm not really good at remembering quotes, but I remember

937
00:50:24,040 --> 00:50:24,319
Speaker 3: that one.

938
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:26,680
Speaker 4: Oh me too, that's so deep.

939
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:32,120
Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, I need to read this book fully because

940
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:35,480
Speaker 1: this is like obviously I'm shown my colors a couple

941
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,680
Speaker 1: of times. The book is called Boundary Boss, The Essential

942
00:50:38,680 --> 00:50:42,760
Speaker 1: Guide to Talk, True, be Seen, and finally live free. Terry,

943
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:45,399
Speaker 1: Where else can people find you? Because I did mention

944
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:46,920
Speaker 1: your Instagram? Will you tell them your handle?

945
00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:50,439
Speaker 4: Sure? Just at Terry Cole, which is t Terry Cole

946
00:50:50,800 --> 00:50:52,759
Speaker 4: r R I co O l E. I also have

947
00:50:52,840 --> 00:50:56,279
Speaker 4: a gift for your audience, so they can they can

948
00:50:56,320 --> 00:51:00,680
Speaker 4: find it at Boundary Boss, dot me, forward slash velvet. Okay,

949
00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:04,960
Speaker 4: and it's about it's a video and it's a downloadable

950
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:07,280
Speaker 4: guide on boundaries and codependency.

951
00:51:07,719 --> 00:51:09,799
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, well it goes to watch now.

952
00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think you're gonna love it.

953
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:16,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's like, please do You're forgot? I love it.

954
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:19,399
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. This is so helpful, you guys.

955
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:22,359
Speaker 1: Go follow Terry on Instagram. Go check out the free gift.

956
00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:26,120
Speaker 1: Thank you for doing that. That's amazing. Sure, due Chip,

957
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:27,800
Speaker 1: do you have any signing off things? I feel like

958
00:51:27,840 --> 00:51:29,799
Speaker 1: you got a purpose here. I think she gave you

959
00:51:29,880 --> 00:51:30,880
Speaker 1: some yes.

960
00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:32,680
Speaker 2: No, I think there's a lot there for me.

961
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:33,800
Speaker 1: Yeah.

962
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:35,920
Speaker 4: Well, thank you guys so much for having me.

963
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:38,319
Speaker 1: Of course, thank you for being here, and thank you

964
00:51:38,320 --> 00:51:39,080
Speaker 1: guys for listening.