WEBVTT - Tommy Talk: STOP RIPPING YOURSELF APART

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today's topic is

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<v Speaker 1>stop ripping yourself apart. Oh god, we all do this right.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes the biggest bully can be ourselves because we just

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<v Speaker 1>rip ourselves apart for the littlest things or things that

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<v Speaker 1>we perceive are really big deals, but in the end,

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<v Speaker 1>they're not. They're not. And here's what got me thinking

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<v Speaker 1>about this topic. So I just covered the red carpet

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<v Speaker 1>premiere for the Odyssey and I got to interview the

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<v Speaker 1>entire cast, Matt Damon, Tom Hollins and Deya and Hathaway,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, et cetera. It was a really fun night.

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<v Speaker 1>But I did something in an interview that I caught

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<v Speaker 1>myself starting to rip myself apart four and that that

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<v Speaker 1>was I interviewed Anne Hathaway, and the show Extra that

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<v Speaker 1>I do some work on as well, wanted me to

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<v Speaker 1>ask her, you know, who are you wearing? What are

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<v Speaker 1>you wearing? Which, by the way, is a side note,

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<v Speaker 1>is not my favorite question because I feel like we

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<v Speaker 1>have such little time with these artists, Like I don't

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<v Speaker 1>really want to sit there hearing about a designer. I

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<v Speaker 1>want to talk about the movie and the project. But

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<v Speaker 1>that's something in the business, they quite often want us

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<v Speaker 1>to do, so I had to do it. But anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>I asked her, you know, tell me about the look.

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<v Speaker 1>Who are you wearing? And she goes, okay, I'll give

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<v Speaker 1>you a hint. Devil wears So obviously I know her

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<v Speaker 1>movies are The Devil Wears Prada, right, But my mind

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<v Speaker 1>went to this place of Okay, in the movie, what

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<v Speaker 1>scene was she wearing a designer? And a designer was

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<v Speaker 1>a big focus of the scene and it was a

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<v Speaker 1>pivotal moment. So I start going back through the movie

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<v Speaker 1>in my mind thinking about when was a designer mentioned?

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<v Speaker 1>And she leans in with the big smile. She goes

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<v Speaker 1>Devilwares and I'm like, ah, what scene is it? Like, God,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, and then she goes double Wares. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>like at Prada, Like Prada can't be that simple, And

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<v Speaker 1>it was Prada. She was wearing Prada. And I sat

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<v Speaker 1>there feeling like the biggest idiot for like twenty seconds thinking, Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>my god, does she think I don't know her movies?

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<v Speaker 1>Does she think I'm a complete dumbass? Is she offended?

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<v Speaker 1>But she was. It's so cute and gracious and just

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<v Speaker 1>you know, grabbed me and was like and I said,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god, I'm such a stupid dummy, and she's like, no,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to do you dirty like that. And

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<v Speaker 1>then we just continue the interview because we had no

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<v Speaker 1>time and I had to keep going. So I made

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<v Speaker 1>a joke like, oh my god, you've been looking gorgeous.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you ever wear sweatpants? She made a cute joke about,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, wearing maternity clothes. It was fine, and she

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<v Speaker 1>was fine, but in that moment after I left, I

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<v Speaker 1>started thinking like, oh my god, how stupid am I? Like,

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<v Speaker 1>how did I not get that? How did I not

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<v Speaker 1>get what? Anne Hathaway was literally handing me in the

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<v Speaker 1>palm of my hands, like she must think I'm a

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<v Speaker 1>moron or was I offensive? And I kind of started

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<v Speaker 1>doing the spiral. Luckily, once I talked to my team

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<v Speaker 1>and I saw the clip and ended up being this

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<v Speaker 1>really kind of cute and enduring and real moment. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>it was a real moment and it made the show

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<v Speaker 1>and it was in the piece and all of that,

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<v Speaker 1>but I started kind of beating myself up for it.

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<v Speaker 1>You know. It's also this idea like, oh god, I

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<v Speaker 1>wasn't perfect in that moment, because perfection's another thing that

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<v Speaker 1>we rip ourselves apart for. But that's what they ae

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<v Speaker 1>me start thinking about this topic. It's like, Okay, why

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<v Speaker 1>did my mind start going to that negative place when

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<v Speaker 1>really it ended up being a fun and light and

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<v Speaker 1>interesting moment Because so much of what we see on

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<v Speaker 1>these carpets and in these press stores is the same

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<v Speaker 1>old stuff over and over again. So I should have

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<v Speaker 1>focus on the positive of it all, that it was

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<v Speaker 1>just like a fun, cute, innocent moment instead of beating

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<v Speaker 1>myself up. We all do this, right, whether it's about

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<v Speaker 1>our career, whether it's about our weights, whether it's about

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<v Speaker 1>an interaction we've had with someone, we rip ourselves apart.

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<v Speaker 1>We criticize our decisions or our mistakes. We ruminate, and

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<v Speaker 1>WePlay conversations in our head. We obsess over mistakes like

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<v Speaker 1>I started doing and then I caught myself. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>we can convince ourselves that one little bump in the

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<v Speaker 1>road somehow defines who we are. And this is what's

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<v Speaker 1>absolutely wild about all of this. Most of us would

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<v Speaker 1>never speak to another person the way we speak to ourselves,

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<v Speaker 1>or the way we beat ourselves up or rip into ourselves.

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<v Speaker 1>We just wouldn't do it. We absolutely wouldn't do it.

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<v Speaker 1>So here's kind of the ways that we can rip

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<v Speaker 1>ourselves apart because we need to catch this so that

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<v Speaker 1>we're kinder to ourselves. Because we only got one us,

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<v Speaker 1>we don't need to be that person. So I think

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<v Speaker 1>that over time, a lot of us have normalized self criticism.

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<v Speaker 1>Somewhere along the way, I don't know, we start believing

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<v Speaker 1>that being hard on ourselves can be the same thing

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<v Speaker 1>as being motivating. But I would disagree. I think there's

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<v Speaker 1>a really huge difference between having accountability and owning what

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<v Speaker 1>you're doing or what mistakes you're making or decisions you're making,

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<v Speaker 1>versus that self destruction negative self talk, right, like, one

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<v Speaker 1>helps you grow, having accountability helps you grow. The other

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<v Speaker 1>keeps it kind of stuck because you can't grow or

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<v Speaker 1>improve or change or better yourself if you're constantly pounding

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<v Speaker 1>yourself over the head because that's not motivating. That just

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<v Speaker 1>makes me feel stuck in this place. So I'm not

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<v Speaker 1>good enough for I'm never gonna amount to what I

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<v Speaker 1>think I can be. You have to be you have

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<v Speaker 1>to be positive in your your criticism. If that makes sense, right,

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<v Speaker 1>You have to spot what's wrong, or spot what you

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<v Speaker 1>didn't like, or spot what you want to change and

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<v Speaker 1>then grow from it. But this self criticism doesn't allow

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<v Speaker 1>you to do that. It really doesn't allow you to

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<v Speaker 1>do that. After that carpet, I could have gone home

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<v Speaker 1>and been like, I suck, I'm leaving the business. My

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<v Speaker 1>next interview is going to be a disaster. But it's

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<v Speaker 1>like no, no, no, no like it. It's okay. It's

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<v Speaker 1>okay to have a human moment. And I think we

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<v Speaker 1>need to be able to not always normalize the self

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<v Speaker 1>criticism and push past that and be like no, no,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not listening to that voice. Damn that voice. Uh huh,

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<v Speaker 1>that's not happening. I also think that we beat ourselves

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<v Speaker 1>up and we rip ourselves apart because we hyper fixate

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<v Speaker 1>on the one thing we did wrong, that one thing right.

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<v Speaker 1>We can do so much right, Like the night of

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<v Speaker 1>that carpet, I have the most incredible interviews with the

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<v Speaker 1>entire cast, the entire higher cast. I had viral moments

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<v Speaker 1>come out of those interviews. Yet my mind still thinks

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<v Speaker 1>back to that one moment, and it's funny. It's on.

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<v Speaker 1>If you go to the extra Instagram page. It's on there,

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<v Speaker 1>and I shared all the clips that they were posting,

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<v Speaker 1>but I didn't share that one. And I still haven't

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<v Speaker 1>shared that one. And maybe this conversation will inspire me

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<v Speaker 1>to because as much as I know it was a

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<v Speaker 1>fun moment, a little piece of me is like, if

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<v Speaker 1>I share that, are people gonna think I'm an idiot?

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<v Speaker 1>Which is funny, which is really interesting. So I still

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<v Speaker 1>have work to do right And clearly I've hyper fixated

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<v Speaker 1>on that one thing that I quote unquote did wrong,

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<v Speaker 1>even though I've healthily moved past it in many ways.

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<v Speaker 1>But it's human, It's very very human. I think we

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<v Speaker 1>often think, did I do the right thing? Did I not?

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<v Speaker 1>Did I end up writing something that I thought I

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<v Speaker 1>shouldn't have to somebody, to a boss, to a coworker,

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<v Speaker 1>to a friend, did I not? Like there's just always

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<v Speaker 1>hyper fixation in our lives, And the truth is that

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<v Speaker 1>we've survived things that we've thought we wouldn't survive over time, right,

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<v Speaker 1>we've figured things out before, we've succeeded, We've I don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>we've helped people, We've made people laugh, We've been loved,

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<v Speaker 1>we have loved. Like all of that is positive in

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<v Speaker 1>our lives that we do. Yet the one mistake we

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<v Speaker 1>make or the one quote unquote bad thing gets more

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<v Speaker 1>of our mind and more of our energy than a

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<v Speaker 1>thousand victories. That's just how the human brain works. That's

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<v Speaker 1>just how it works. So what I would argue is

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<v Speaker 1>that when we do make these mistakes, or when we

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<v Speaker 1>do things that don't make us feel great, we have

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<v Speaker 1>two options. We can spend a month beating ourselves up,

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<v Speaker 1>or we can spend a couple minutes learning from it

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<v Speaker 1>and growing from it and evolving from it. One of

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<v Speaker 1>those moves your life forward. The other does not. That's

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<v Speaker 1>what I mentioned about being stuck earlier. We need to

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<v Speaker 1>move forward in our lives. So we have to make

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<v Speaker 1>the conscious effort that if we are fixating on something

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<v Speaker 1>we did wrong, learn from it, grow from it, and

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<v Speaker 1>move on from it. Move on from it, don't spend

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<v Speaker 1>three weeks hyperfixating on it. That takes away the one

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<v Speaker 1>life you have to live, and we need to live.

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<v Speaker 1>This life is for the living, right, So I guess

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<v Speaker 1>another thing is sometimes the biggest bully is ourselves. I

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<v Speaker 1>said that earlier. I truly stand by it. Everyone talks

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<v Speaker 1>about how mean other people are, but we can be

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<v Speaker 1>so vicious to ourselves. We really, really really can. I

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<v Speaker 1>imagine if somebody followed you around all day long saying

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<v Speaker 1>the things you sometimes tell yourself, right, like, imagine that,

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<v Speaker 1>Just imagine that. But yet when the voices come from us,

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<v Speaker 1>we believe it. We think it's true for a minute, right,

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<v Speaker 1>because if someone else says it to us, we don't

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<v Speaker 1>necessarily buy it or believe it or like they're an asshole,

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<v Speaker 1>they're bitter or whatever. But when we say it, we

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<v Speaker 1>believe it and we think it's true, not because it

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<v Speaker 1>is true, but because it's familiar. It's you know, us

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<v Speaker 1>saying it to ourselves. But familiar doesn't mean it's true.

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<v Speaker 1>It doesn't mean it's fact. Okay, it doesn't mean it's fact.

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<v Speaker 1>So that voice saying to you, whatever awful thing it's saying,

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<v Speaker 1>just catch it and remember that it doesn't mean it's

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<v Speaker 1>factual or truthful because it's coming from your voice. Because

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<v Speaker 1>we see things differently too, and we can embellish or

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<v Speaker 1>make things worse in our minds than they actually are.

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<v Speaker 1>So don't let that inner bully come for you. Don't.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think the last thing I want to say

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<v Speaker 1>is we don't need to have it all figured out

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<v Speaker 1>all the time. There's so much pressure. And I'm going

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<v Speaker 1>to do another time we talk about the timelines of life,

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<v Speaker 1>because I'm very passionate about this, But we don't need

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<v Speaker 1>to always feel like that it's it's the timeline needs

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<v Speaker 1>to be locked in and secured. We don't have to

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<v Speaker 1>always know everything. Social media has definitely made us think

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<v Speaker 1>that everybody has to have everything figured out because it's

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<v Speaker 1>a highlight reel right. People show their perfect relationships and

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<v Speaker 1>careers and bodies and confidence and yes, okay, great, like

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<v Speaker 1>we love to celebrate happiness, but remember, social media isn't real.

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<v Speaker 1>It's one one, one, one fraction of an entire life,

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<v Speaker 1>if an entire life. I've struggled over the last year

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<v Speaker 1>with loss and grief, and I've opened up a little

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<v Speaker 1>bit about it on social but I don't really post

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<v Speaker 1>about it. I talk about it here. This feels like

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<v Speaker 1>a safe place. But I don't really post on social

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm having a shit day and I open my

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<v Speaker 1>camera and show me crying. I don't, and some people

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<v Speaker 1>do that. Some I would argue it's a little performative,

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<v Speaker 1>but you know, it's it's weird it feels awkward, it

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<v Speaker 1>feel unnatural. So you have to remember that social media

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<v Speaker 1>is not real and we don't need to have it

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<v Speaker 1>figured out. All the time. We compare ourselves to behind

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<v Speaker 1>the scenes moments of someone's highlight reel. It's not the

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<v Speaker 1>whole real it's not the whole picture. So I've been

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<v Speaker 1>in a spiral of comparing myself to people on social

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<v Speaker 1>before I've openly talked about that. In fact, I started

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<v Speaker 1>doing that again, like a couple weeks ago. There was

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<v Speaker 1>someone I started comparing myself to it. I'm like, why

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<v Speaker 1>am I doing this? I'm forty Have I not learned

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<v Speaker 1>anything over the course of my life? And I quickly

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<v Speaker 1>like realized I was doing that and addressed it and stopped.

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<v Speaker 1>But it was I was doing it so much so

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<v Speaker 1>that IM mute to this person on social media, not

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<v Speaker 1>because they were doing anything wrong, because I was letting

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<v Speaker 1>it affect me in a negative way. And then once

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<v Speaker 1>I got through the why am I doing this? Like

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<v Speaker 1>this is crazy, I went back and umute to them

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<v Speaker 1>because I realized, Okay, I'm not that person anymore. We

0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:12.440
<v Speaker 1>all have moments like that. We all have moments like that.

0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:16.559
<v Speaker 1>So all of this to say is be gentil er

0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:19.679
<v Speaker 1>with yourself, be kinder with yourself. Know that you are

0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:23.200
<v Speaker 1>the only voice in your head, so make it a

0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:26.880
<v Speaker 1>good one, right, And we have one life to live.

0:11:26.920 --> 0:11:29.840
<v Speaker 1>I am so passionate about this. It's something that's coming

0:11:29.920 --> 0:11:31.480
<v Speaker 1>up more and more for me. That's why every day

0:11:31.480 --> 0:11:33.600
<v Speaker 1>I say, I'm so thankful to be here, because we

0:11:33.640 --> 0:11:35.240
<v Speaker 1>have one life to live, and we are lucky to

0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:37.520
<v Speaker 1>be here. And every day is a gift. Every single

0:11:37.600 --> 0:11:40.400
<v Speaker 1>day is a gift. So don't go through the one

0:11:40.480 --> 0:11:44.600
<v Speaker 1>life you have being so unkind to yourself. Because you

0:11:44.600 --> 0:11:46.679
<v Speaker 1>were with this person, You were with you longer than

0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:48.640
<v Speaker 1>anyone in your life, longer than you've ever been with

0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:51.240
<v Speaker 1>anyone in your life. So you want that relationship to

0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:54.640
<v Speaker 1>be solid and strong. And if that version of you,

0:11:54.760 --> 0:11:57.120
<v Speaker 1>that voice in your head, if that side of you

0:11:57.200 --> 0:11:59.760
<v Speaker 1>starts making you feel like you're not worthy or worth it,

0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:02.480
<v Speaker 1>you fight back and you catch them and you say,

0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:05.160
<v Speaker 1>hell no, hell no, We're gonna work through this together.

0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.360
<v Speaker 1>We're gonna work through this together. Like I said, one

0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:10.720
<v Speaker 1>life to live, Let's make it the best. Let's be

0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:14.120
<v Speaker 1>good to ourselves. Because baby, I promise you're doing all right.

0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:16.640
<v Speaker 1>You're doing all right, and I want you to keep

0:12:16.679 --> 0:12:22.719
<v Speaker 1>believing that I've never said this before. Is hosted by

0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:27.480
<v Speaker 1>Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew

0:12:27.520 --> 0:12:31.360
<v Speaker 1>Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by

0:12:31.440 --> 0:12:35.080
<v Speaker 1>Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of

0:12:35.120 --> 0:12:39.120
<v Speaker 1>the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. For more,

0:12:39.400 --> 0:12:42.360
<v Speaker 1>rate review and subscribe to our show and if you

0:12:42.480 --> 0:12:45.960
<v Speaker 1>liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm

0:12:46.040 --> 0:12:46.880
<v Speaker 1>Tommy de Dario