Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk, and today's topic is
Speaker 1: stop ripping yourself apart. Oh god, we all do this right.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the biggest bully can be ourselves because we just
Speaker 1: rip ourselves apart for the littlest things or things that
Speaker 1: we perceive are really big deals, but in the end,
Speaker 1: they're not. They're not. And here's what got me thinking
Speaker 1: about this topic. So I just covered the red carpet
Speaker 1: premiere for the Odyssey and I got to interview the
Speaker 1: entire cast, Matt Damon, Tom Hollins and Deya and Hathaway,
Speaker 1: you know, et cetera. It was a really fun night.
Speaker 1: But I did something in an interview that I caught
Speaker 1: myself starting to rip myself apart four and that that
Speaker 1: was I interviewed Anne Hathaway, and the show Extra that
Speaker 1: I do some work on as well, wanted me to
Speaker 1: ask her, you know, who are you wearing? What are
Speaker 1: you wearing? Which, by the way, is a side note,
Speaker 1: is not my favorite question because I feel like we
Speaker 1: have such little time with these artists, Like I don't
Speaker 1: really want to sit there hearing about a designer. I
Speaker 1: want to talk about the movie and the project. But
Speaker 1: that's something in the business, they quite often want us
Speaker 1: to do, so I had to do it. But anyway,
Speaker 1: I asked her, you know, tell me about the look.
Speaker 1: Who are you wearing? And she goes, okay, I'll give
Speaker 1: you a hint. Devil wears So obviously I know her
Speaker 1: movies are The Devil Wears Prada, right, But my mind
Speaker 1: went to this place of Okay, in the movie, what
Speaker 1: scene was she wearing a designer? And a designer was
Speaker 1: a big focus of the scene and it was a
Speaker 1: pivotal moment. So I start going back through the movie
Speaker 1: in my mind thinking about when was a designer mentioned?
Speaker 1: And she leans in with the big smile. She goes
Speaker 1: Devilwares and I'm like, ah, what scene is it? Like, God,
Speaker 1: I don't know, and then she goes double Wares. I'm
Speaker 1: like at Prada, Like Prada can't be that simple, And
Speaker 1: it was Prada. She was wearing Prada. And I sat
Speaker 1: there feeling like the biggest idiot for like twenty seconds thinking, Oh,
Speaker 1: my god, does she think I don't know her movies?
Speaker 1: Does she think I'm a complete dumbass? Is she offended?
Speaker 1: But she was. It's so cute and gracious and just
Speaker 1: you know, grabbed me and was like and I said,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm such a stupid dummy, and she's like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do you dirty like that. And
Speaker 1: then we just continue the interview because we had no
Speaker 1: time and I had to keep going. So I made
Speaker 1: a joke like, oh my god, you've been looking gorgeous.
Speaker 1: Do you ever wear sweatpants? She made a cute joke about,
Speaker 1: you know, wearing maternity clothes. It was fine, and she
Speaker 1: was fine, but in that moment after I left, I
Speaker 1: started thinking like, oh my god, how stupid am I? Like,
Speaker 1: how did I not get that? How did I not
Speaker 1: get what? Anne Hathaway was literally handing me in the
Speaker 1: palm of my hands, like she must think I'm a
Speaker 1: moron or was I offensive? And I kind of started
Speaker 1: doing the spiral. Luckily, once I talked to my team
Speaker 1: and I saw the clip and ended up being this
Speaker 1: really kind of cute and enduring and real moment. I mean,
Speaker 1: it was a real moment and it made the show
Speaker 1: and it was in the piece and all of that,
Speaker 1: but I started kind of beating myself up for it.
Speaker 1: You know. It's also this idea like, oh god, I
Speaker 1: wasn't perfect in that moment, because perfection's another thing that
Speaker 1: we rip ourselves apart for. But that's what they ae
Speaker 1: me start thinking about this topic. It's like, Okay, why
Speaker 1: did my mind start going to that negative place when
Speaker 1: really it ended up being a fun and light and
Speaker 1: interesting moment Because so much of what we see on
Speaker 1: these carpets and in these press stores is the same
Speaker 1: old stuff over and over again. So I should have
Speaker 1: focus on the positive of it all, that it was
Speaker 1: just like a fun, cute, innocent moment instead of beating
Speaker 1: myself up. We all do this, right, whether it's about
Speaker 1: our career, whether it's about our weights, whether it's about
Speaker 1: an interaction we've had with someone, we rip ourselves apart.
Speaker 1: We criticize our decisions or our mistakes. We ruminate, and
Speaker 1: WePlay conversations in our head. We obsess over mistakes like
Speaker 1: I started doing and then I caught myself. You know,
Speaker 1: we can convince ourselves that one little bump in the
Speaker 1: road somehow defines who we are. And this is what's
Speaker 1: absolutely wild about all of this. Most of us would
Speaker 1: never speak to another person the way we speak to ourselves,
Speaker 1: or the way we beat ourselves up or rip into ourselves.
Speaker 1: We just wouldn't do it. We absolutely wouldn't do it.
Speaker 1: So here's kind of the ways that we can rip
Speaker 1: ourselves apart because we need to catch this so that
Speaker 1: we're kinder to ourselves. Because we only got one us,
Speaker 1: we don't need to be that person. So I think
Speaker 1: that over time, a lot of us have normalized self criticism.
Speaker 1: Somewhere along the way, I don't know, we start believing
Speaker 1: that being hard on ourselves can be the same thing
Speaker 1: as being motivating. But I would disagree. I think there's
Speaker 1: a really huge difference between having accountability and owning what
Speaker 1: you're doing or what mistakes you're making or decisions you're making,
Speaker 1: versus that self destruction negative self talk, right, like, one
Speaker 1: helps you grow, having accountability helps you grow. The other
Speaker 1: keeps it kind of stuck because you can't grow or
Speaker 1: improve or change or better yourself if you're constantly pounding
Speaker 1: yourself over the head because that's not motivating. That just
Speaker 1: makes me feel stuck in this place. So I'm not
Speaker 1: good enough for I'm never gonna amount to what I
Speaker 1: think I can be. You have to be you have
Speaker 1: to be positive in your your criticism. If that makes sense, right,
Speaker 1: You have to spot what's wrong, or spot what you
Speaker 1: didn't like, or spot what you want to change and
Speaker 1: then grow from it. But this self criticism doesn't allow
Speaker 1: you to do that. It really doesn't allow you to
Speaker 1: do that. After that carpet, I could have gone home
Speaker 1: and been like, I suck, I'm leaving the business. My
Speaker 1: next interview is going to be a disaster. But it's
Speaker 1: like no, no, no, no like it. It's okay. It's
Speaker 1: okay to have a human moment. And I think we
Speaker 1: need to be able to not always normalize the self
Speaker 1: criticism and push past that and be like no, no,
Speaker 1: I'm not listening to that voice. Damn that voice. Uh huh,
Speaker 1: that's not happening. I also think that we beat ourselves
Speaker 1: up and we rip ourselves apart because we hyper fixate
Speaker 1: on the one thing we did wrong, that one thing right.
Speaker 1: We can do so much right, Like the night of
Speaker 1: that carpet, I have the most incredible interviews with the
Speaker 1: entire cast, the entire higher cast. I had viral moments
Speaker 1: come out of those interviews. Yet my mind still thinks
Speaker 1: back to that one moment, and it's funny. It's on.
Speaker 1: If you go to the extra Instagram page. It's on there,
Speaker 1: and I shared all the clips that they were posting,
Speaker 1: but I didn't share that one. And I still haven't
Speaker 1: shared that one. And maybe this conversation will inspire me
Speaker 1: to because as much as I know it was a
Speaker 1: fun moment, a little piece of me is like, if
Speaker 1: I share that, are people gonna think I'm an idiot?
Speaker 1: Which is funny, which is really interesting. So I still
Speaker 1: have work to do right And clearly I've hyper fixated
Speaker 1: on that one thing that I quote unquote did wrong,
Speaker 1: even though I've healthily moved past it in many ways.
Speaker 1: But it's human, It's very very human. I think we
Speaker 1: often think, did I do the right thing? Did I not?
Speaker 1: Did I end up writing something that I thought I
Speaker 1: shouldn't have to somebody, to a boss, to a coworker,
Speaker 1: to a friend, did I not? Like there's just always
Speaker 1: hyper fixation in our lives, And the truth is that
Speaker 1: we've survived things that we've thought we wouldn't survive over time, right,
Speaker 1: we've figured things out before, we've succeeded, We've I don't know,
Speaker 1: we've helped people, We've made people laugh, We've been loved,
Speaker 1: we have loved. Like all of that is positive in
Speaker 1: our lives that we do. Yet the one mistake we
Speaker 1: make or the one quote unquote bad thing gets more
Speaker 1: of our mind and more of our energy than a
Speaker 1: thousand victories. That's just how the human brain works. That's
Speaker 1: just how it works. So what I would argue is
Speaker 1: that when we do make these mistakes, or when we
Speaker 1: do things that don't make us feel great, we have
Speaker 1: two options. We can spend a month beating ourselves up,
Speaker 1: or we can spend a couple minutes learning from it
Speaker 1: and growing from it and evolving from it. One of
Speaker 1: those moves your life forward. The other does not. That's
Speaker 1: what I mentioned about being stuck earlier. We need to
Speaker 1: move forward in our lives. So we have to make
Speaker 1: the conscious effort that if we are fixating on something
Speaker 1: we did wrong, learn from it, grow from it, and
Speaker 1: move on from it. Move on from it, don't spend
Speaker 1: three weeks hyperfixating on it. That takes away the one
Speaker 1: life you have to live, and we need to live.
Speaker 1: This life is for the living, right, So I guess
Speaker 1: another thing is sometimes the biggest bully is ourselves. I
Speaker 1: said that earlier. I truly stand by it. Everyone talks
Speaker 1: about how mean other people are, but we can be
Speaker 1: so vicious to ourselves. We really, really really can. I
Speaker 1: imagine if somebody followed you around all day long saying
Speaker 1: the things you sometimes tell yourself, right, like, imagine that,
Speaker 1: Just imagine that. But yet when the voices come from us,
Speaker 1: we believe it. We think it's true for a minute, right,
Speaker 1: because if someone else says it to us, we don't
Speaker 1: necessarily buy it or believe it or like they're an asshole,
Speaker 1: they're bitter or whatever. But when we say it, we
Speaker 1: believe it and we think it's true, not because it
Speaker 1: is true, but because it's familiar. It's you know, us
Speaker 1: saying it to ourselves. But familiar doesn't mean it's true.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean it's fact. Okay, it doesn't mean it's fact.
Speaker 1: So that voice saying to you, whatever awful thing it's saying,
Speaker 1: just catch it and remember that it doesn't mean it's
Speaker 1: factual or truthful because it's coming from your voice. Because
Speaker 1: we see things differently too, and we can embellish or
Speaker 1: make things worse in our minds than they actually are.
Speaker 1: So don't let that inner bully come for you. Don't.
Speaker 1: And I think the last thing I want to say
Speaker 1: is we don't need to have it all figured out
Speaker 1: all the time. There's so much pressure. And I'm going
Speaker 1: to do another time we talk about the timelines of life,
Speaker 1: because I'm very passionate about this, But we don't need
Speaker 1: to always feel like that it's it's the timeline needs
Speaker 1: to be locked in and secured. We don't have to
Speaker 1: always know everything. Social media has definitely made us think
Speaker 1: that everybody has to have everything figured out because it's
Speaker 1: a highlight reel right. People show their perfect relationships and
Speaker 1: careers and bodies and confidence and yes, okay, great, like
Speaker 1: we love to celebrate happiness, but remember, social media isn't real.
Speaker 1: It's one one, one, one fraction of an entire life,
Speaker 1: if an entire life. I've struggled over the last year
Speaker 1: with loss and grief, and I've opened up a little
Speaker 1: bit about it on social but I don't really post
Speaker 1: about it. I talk about it here. This feels like
Speaker 1: a safe place. But I don't really post on social
Speaker 1: like I'm having a shit day and I open my
Speaker 1: camera and show me crying. I don't, and some people
Speaker 1: do that. Some I would argue it's a little performative,
Speaker 1: but you know, it's it's weird it feels awkward, it
Speaker 1: feel unnatural. So you have to remember that social media
Speaker 1: is not real and we don't need to have it
Speaker 1: figured out. All the time. We compare ourselves to behind
Speaker 1: the scenes moments of someone's highlight reel. It's not the
Speaker 1: whole real it's not the whole picture. So I've been
Speaker 1: in a spiral of comparing myself to people on social
Speaker 1: before I've openly talked about that. In fact, I started
Speaker 1: doing that again, like a couple weeks ago. There was
Speaker 1: someone I started comparing myself to it. I'm like, why
Speaker 1: am I doing this? I'm forty Have I not learned
Speaker 1: anything over the course of my life? And I quickly
Speaker 1: like realized I was doing that and addressed it and stopped.
Speaker 1: But it was I was doing it so much so
Speaker 1: that IM mute to this person on social media, not
Speaker 1: because they were doing anything wrong, because I was letting
Speaker 1: it affect me in a negative way. And then once
Speaker 1: I got through the why am I doing this? Like
Speaker 1: this is crazy, I went back and umute to them
Speaker 1: because I realized, Okay, I'm not that person anymore. We
Speaker 1: all have moments like that. We all have moments like that.
Speaker 1: So all of this to say is be gentil er
Speaker 1: with yourself, be kinder with yourself. Know that you are
Speaker 1: the only voice in your head, so make it a
Speaker 1: good one, right, And we have one life to live.
Speaker 1: I am so passionate about this. It's something that's coming
Speaker 1: up more and more for me. That's why every day
Speaker 1: I say, I'm so thankful to be here, because we
Speaker 1: have one life to live, and we are lucky to
Speaker 1: be here. And every day is a gift. Every single
Speaker 1: day is a gift. So don't go through the one
Speaker 1: life you have being so unkind to yourself. Because you
Speaker 1: were with this person, You were with you longer than
Speaker 1: anyone in your life, longer than you've ever been with
Speaker 1: anyone in your life. So you want that relationship to
Speaker 1: be solid and strong. And if that version of you,
Speaker 1: that voice in your head, if that side of you
Speaker 1: starts making you feel like you're not worthy or worth it,
Speaker 1: you fight back and you catch them and you say,
Speaker 1: hell no, hell no, We're gonna work through this together.
Speaker 1: We're gonna work through this together. Like I said, one
Speaker 1: life to live, Let's make it the best. Let's be
Speaker 1: good to ourselves. Because baby, I promise you're doing all right.
Speaker 1: You're doing all right, and I want you to keep
Speaker 1: believing that I've never said this before. Is hosted by
Speaker 1: Me Tommy Dedario. This podcast is executive produced by Andrew
Speaker 1: Piglisi at iHeartRadio and by Me Tommy, with editing by
Speaker 1: Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before is part of
Speaker 1: the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. For more,
Speaker 1: rate review and subscribe to our show and if you
Speaker 1: liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, I'm
Speaker 1: Tommy de Dario