WEBVTT - Are Men Less Attracted to Successful Women?

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<v Speaker 1>Some men are less attracted to successful women because they've

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<v Speaker 1>been told that they need to be more successful. So

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<v Speaker 1>as soon as they meet someone who shows qualities that

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<v Speaker 1>they don't have, motivation, discipline, drive, enthusiasm, they get worried,

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<v Speaker 1>they get concerned. It's a reminder of their own inadequacy.

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<v Speaker 1>It's an insecurity and let's recognize that there are some

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<v Speaker 1>men are less attracted to successful, driven women and they're

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<v Speaker 1>not the right person for you. The number one health

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<v Speaker 1>and wellness podcast set Jay SETI. Hey, everyone, welcome back

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<v Speaker 1>to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty, and I

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<v Speaker 1>am so grateful to be here with you right now.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for tuning in. And today's question

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<v Speaker 1>that we're reflecting on and asking is are men less

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<v Speaker 1>attracted to successful women? If your ambitionous and driven and dating,

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<v Speaker 1>this episode is for you. If you have a friend

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<v Speaker 1>who's single right now who's been thinking about this question,

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<v Speaker 1>this episode is for you. And if you're someone who's

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<v Speaker 1>maybe been in a relationship, maybe you're even divorced, this

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<v Speaker 1>episode could be for you. I think so many people

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<v Speaker 1>are thinking about this topic right now, not enough people

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<v Speaker 1>are speaking about it outwardly, and it's uncomfortable to actually

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<v Speaker 1>dive into it. Like, even when I was thinking about

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<v Speaker 1>making this the episode, I was somewhat scared about it

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<v Speaker 1>because I didn't want it to be misconstrued or misunderstood.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I want you to stay with me because

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<v Speaker 1>I'm definitely going to be explaining why I thought it

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<v Speaker 1>was important to ask this question. And the biggest reason

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<v Speaker 1>why I think it's important to ask this question is

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<v Speaker 1>this is how some of the women in my life

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<v Speaker 1>have been feeling. These are friends of mine who are

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<v Speaker 1>dating right now, are single right now, are looking for

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<v Speaker 1>love right now, They're looking for a meaningful connection, and

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<v Speaker 1>this kind of sation keeps coming up. Now, I'm guessing

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<v Speaker 1>you might have had this conversation with your friend, maybe

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<v Speaker 1>you've thought about it, maybe you've even quizzed some of

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<v Speaker 1>your male friends in your life about it. And the

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<v Speaker 1>reason why I chose it for this week's topic is

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<v Speaker 1>I was talking to he a friend this week and

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<v Speaker 1>she was saying she spoke to a couple of guys

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<v Speaker 1>in the last month, and she's young, she's ambitious, she's driven,

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<v Speaker 1>she's very kind, very thoughtful, and so it got me thinking.

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<v Speaker 1>She said she met a guy her age who after

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<v Speaker 1>going on a few dates, he was vulnerable enough to

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<v Speaker 1>say to her that he was intimidated by her drive

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<v Speaker 1>and would rather be with someone a little more chill.

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<v Speaker 1>He actually said that he felt threatened that he didn't

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<v Speaker 1>have that drive and may never have it, even though

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<v Speaker 1>she never expected it from him and never asked for it. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>first of all, kudos to that man who was able

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<v Speaker 1>to be that vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage

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<v Speaker 1>to be that vulnerable, to put yourself out there in

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<v Speaker 1>that way to admit that, and so I want to

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<v Speaker 1>show respect for that, first of all. And the second

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<v Speaker 1>thing I want to say is, maybe a lot of

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<v Speaker 1>you have heard something like this for a while. Maybe

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<v Speaker 1>you've had men say it to you, maybe you've found

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<v Speaker 1>out through a friend of a friend afterwards, maybe it's

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<v Speaker 1>a thought that crossed your mind. Now, that was one

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<v Speaker 1>guy that she spoke to. She then said that she

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<v Speaker 1>was at a dinner a couple of nights ago and

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<v Speaker 1>she overheard a conversation someone was having with a successful founder.

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<v Speaker 1>He was single and looking, and when asked what he wanted,

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<v Speaker 1>he said he wanted an ambitious homemaker. And she found

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<v Speaker 1>both of these interactions in close proximity to be a

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<v Speaker 1>bit deflating. So the young man that she was dating

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<v Speaker 1>was around the same age as her. He was saying

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<v Speaker 1>that she was too intimidating because of her drive. And

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<v Speaker 1>then she was overhearing this other conversation where this very

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<v Speaker 1>successful man was saying he wanted someone who was going

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<v Speaker 1>to be a homemaker and didn't have their own drive,

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<v Speaker 1>And so it left her with the question are men

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<v Speaker 1>less attracted to successful or maybe even just driven women

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<v Speaker 1>who want to create something? Now, I want to point

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<v Speaker 1>out that when we're looking at this, this for me

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<v Speaker 1>isn't about hating on men or hating on women or

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<v Speaker 1>trying to make either one look bad. I think this

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<v Speaker 1>conversation is about learning to understand why we are where

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<v Speaker 1>we are in what circumstances this is true or false,

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<v Speaker 1>real or not, and what do we do about it? Right?

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<v Speaker 1>I think a lot of conversations focus on like, oh, well,

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<v Speaker 1>all men are bad, and you know, women don't do

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<v Speaker 1>this and men do, and it's like, I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>to do that. What I want to do is have

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<v Speaker 1>a really healthy, thoughtful, intelligent conversation around what's going on here.

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<v Speaker 1>So the first thing we have to understand is that

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<v Speaker 1>some some men are less attracted to successful women and

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<v Speaker 1>they're not your man. And the reason why this is

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<v Speaker 1>a really important thing to talk about is that there

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<v Speaker 1>may be some men whose ego is affected by a

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<v Speaker 1>more driven successful women. Now let's talk about why that

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<v Speaker 1>is the case. I'm not saying it's a good thing,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm not saying it's right, but why is that

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<v Speaker 1>the case. The case is because traditionally men have had

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<v Speaker 1>to play that protective, supporting role. They've been the one

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<v Speaker 1>who's had to go out and put food on the table.

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<v Speaker 1>They've been the primary breadwinner of the family. So a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of men are carrying around a pressure, an expectation

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<v Speaker 1>of them that society is placed on them, and then

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<v Speaker 1>they're projecting it into this relationship. So it's not necessarily

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<v Speaker 1>projected personally onto you. It's projected because that's how society

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<v Speaker 1>has convinced us that we need to be. And so

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<v Speaker 1>some men are less attracted to successful women because they've

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<v Speaker 1>been told that they need to be more successful. So

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<v Speaker 1>as soon as they meet someone who shows qualities that

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<v Speaker 1>they don't have, motivation, discipline, drive, enthusiasm, they get worried,

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<v Speaker 1>they get concerned, it's a reminder of their own inadequacy.

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<v Speaker 1>It's an insecurity and if a man goes as far

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<v Speaker 1>as admitting that to you, it's definitely not something to

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<v Speaker 1>demean or put down, and it's not something you have

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<v Speaker 1>to date either. I'm not saying, you know, you should

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<v Speaker 1>feel sorry for that person and date. Then. What I'm

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<v Speaker 1>saying is, let's look at why we're here, how we

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<v Speaker 1>got there, and let's recognize that there are some men

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<v Speaker 1>are less attracted to successful, driven women and they're not

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<v Speaker 1>the right person for you. Now, it's important to note

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<v Speaker 1>that the mindset men are less attracted to successful driven

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<v Speaker 1>women is actually an unhealthy mindset. When we repeat idea

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<v Speaker 1>like that, we're repeating a negative, unhelpful thought which leads

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<v Speaker 1>to our unhealthy mindset, which makes us feel that there

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<v Speaker 1>is no man for me that exists unless I diminish

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<v Speaker 1>my drive, unless I become less successful. And I would

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<v Speaker 1>honestly say that when I look around my friends who

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<v Speaker 1>are in happy relationships today, they all want it to

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<v Speaker 1>be with smart, thoughtful women. And I think there is

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<v Speaker 1>a difference between someone who's smart and smart and driven.

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<v Speaker 1>There is a difference. And I would say that a

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<v Speaker 1>lot of my friends enjoy being with driven, ambitious women,

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<v Speaker 1>and they're also driven ambitious men. What I want to

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<v Speaker 1>encourage you to do here is that mindset of maybe

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<v Speaker 1>this guy doesn't exist, Maybe I need to slow down,

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe I need to, you know, become different, maybe I

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<v Speaker 1>need to change. I don't think that's the case. And

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<v Speaker 1>there was a great article by Jenna Birch in Psychology Today,

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<v Speaker 1>and she talked about a study where after looking in

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<v Speaker 1>to the mating preferences of more than five thousand men

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<v Speaker 1>and women in a survey, an anthropologist named Helen Fisher

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<v Speaker 1>wrote that she saw something called the Clooney effect in America. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>this article was in twenty eighteen, and the research found that,

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<v Speaker 1>according to Fisher's numbers, men desire smart, strong, successful women,

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<v Speaker 1>and eighty seven percent of men said that they were

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<v Speaker 1>data women who was more intellectual than they were, who

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<v Speaker 1>is better educated, and who made considerably more money than

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<v Speaker 1>they did, while eighty six percent said they were in

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<v Speaker 1>search of a woman who is confident and self assured.

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<v Speaker 1>So it's just really important to point that out that

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes I think we developed these narratives based on our

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<v Speaker 1>few data points, and we all have confirmation bias where

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<v Speaker 1>we also have another friend who went through the same thing,

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<v Speaker 1>and now all of us are saying the same thing,

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<v Speaker 1>and guess what, it makes us reduce our poor even more.

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<v Speaker 1>We now go out look looking for who's going to

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<v Speaker 1>confirm that belief, right, That's what happens. We kind of

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<v Speaker 1>look to who confirms our belief. Let me give you

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<v Speaker 1>a really simple example about this. If you're thinking of

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<v Speaker 1>getting a specific car that you really like, you're now

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<v Speaker 1>looking for other people to confirm that belief and say,

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<v Speaker 1>oh my god, I really like that car too. So

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<v Speaker 1>we're constantly looking for people to confirm our beliefs. And

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<v Speaker 1>so we may surround ourselves with a group of people

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<v Speaker 1>who all say men are just not attracted to successful,

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<v Speaker 1>ambitious women, and we keep reaffirming that belief when the

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<v Speaker 1>study shows the opposite. And it's interesting. It's called the

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<v Speaker 1>Clooney effect, of course, because George Clooney with a male

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<v Speaker 1>who's extremely talented, smart, ambitious, thoughtful, And it's just an

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<v Speaker 1>interesting thing that we often see these rumors or doubts

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<v Speaker 1>we have spread faster than some of the statistics that

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<v Speaker 1>come out for it. Now, it is important to note

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<v Speaker 1>because I thought it would be interesting to look at

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<v Speaker 1>the facts of what's happening as well. And when I

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<v Speaker 1>was looking it up, it said that back in nineteen seventy,

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<v Speaker 1>only eleven percent of Americans twenty five or older had

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<v Speaker 1>bachelor's degrees. That number has gone up every decade to

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<v Speaker 1>roughly thirty eight percent in twenty twenty one, according to

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<v Speaker 1>the data from the Census Bureau's current Population Survey, and

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<v Speaker 1>the jump since twenty ten has been especially sharp. This

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<v Speaker 1>research said, and one of the big drivers has been

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<v Speaker 1>that more women are completing their four year degrees, and

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<v Speaker 1>in the last decade, women surpassed men in college completion.

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<v Speaker 1>So when you look at it from a college perspective,

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<v Speaker 1>and I appreciate that college isn't the only way to

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<v Speaker 1>show ambition or success. There are plenty of people who

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<v Speaker 1>are not going to college and doing exceptionally well, but

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<v Speaker 1>to use it as a marker, we're seeing that women

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<v Speaker 1>are completing degrees more than men. In twenty twenty one,

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<v Speaker 1>the Census found that the number of women with degrees

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<v Speaker 1>was about three points higher than the figure for men,

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<v Speaker 1>is thirty nine point one percent for women compared to

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<v Speaker 1>thirty six point six percent for men, and The reason

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<v Speaker 1>why that's so incredible is that back in nineteen seventy,

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<v Speaker 1>about eight percent of twenty five plus women had bachelor's degrees,

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<v Speaker 1>and that was six points below where American men were

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<v Speaker 1>at the time. So the insane rise of women being

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<v Speaker 1>educated and completing their degrees has had a huge impact

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<v Speaker 1>very recently, and it's something that I think a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of men are having to mentally catch up with. I

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<v Speaker 1>think that's the point, right, It's like there's been consensus

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<v Speaker 1>in society around roles. There's been a thought process around roles,

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<v Speaker 1>and all of those are being questioned rightly, so, all

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<v Speaker 1>of those are being looked at and reevaluated rightly. So,

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<v Speaker 1>but what's happening is that it's taking a while for

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<v Speaker 1>people to catch up with that, for people to understand that.

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<v Speaker 1>To give you an example as to how far behind

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<v Speaker 1>we are compared to where the age education is. In

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<v Speaker 1>twenty twenty two, female founded companies received two percent of

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<v Speaker 1>all venture capital investment. Let me just say that again.

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<v Speaker 1>In twenty twenty two, female founded companies received only two

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<v Speaker 1>percent of all venture capital VC investment. Female founded femtech

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<v Speaker 1>companies received twenty eight percent of venture capital funding compared

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<v Speaker 1>with thirty eight percent for male founded femtech companies. So

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<v Speaker 1>the reason I'm talking about this is for us to

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<v Speaker 1>realize how society is shifted maybe a narrative, maybe in

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<v Speaker 1>us asking the right questions, maybe in us having the

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<v Speaker 1>right thoughts, but it hasn't yet shifted mentally, emotionally, and

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<v Speaker 1>it hasn't yet shifted financially. And so when you look

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<v Speaker 1>at that, we have to realize that when you're out

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<v Speaker 1>there dating and you're finding some confirmation of the belief

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<v Speaker 1>that men are less attracted to successful women, you may

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<v Speaker 1>find it because there's all of these reasons as to

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<v Speaker 1>why it's been set up that way. One thing that

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<v Speaker 1>I think is really really important to note. I think

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<v Speaker 1>it's really important to be with someone who has the

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<v Speaker 1>right balance between you. Don't want someone who's threatened by you.

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<v Speaker 1>That doesn't lead to a healthy relationship. Maybe you saw

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<v Speaker 1>the movie fair Play last year on Netflix. If you haven't,

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<v Speaker 1>I recommend watching It showed what happens in a relationship

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<v Speaker 1>with confused roles and competition and insecurity and where that leads.

0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:36.920
<v Speaker 1>And I mean it shows a very dark version of

0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:38.960
<v Speaker 1>where that can lead to. But often those are the

0:13:39.000 --> 0:13:42.800
<v Speaker 1>emotions that people are feeling inside. But at the same time,

0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:45.080
<v Speaker 1>you don't want someone who just wants to bask in

0:13:45.120 --> 0:13:48.760
<v Speaker 1>your glory. Right, It's a really interesting balance that you're

0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:51.360
<v Speaker 1>looking for. You don't want someone who's like basking in

0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:54.959
<v Speaker 1>your glory and just you know, a groupie, And at

0:13:54.960 --> 0:13:57.600
<v Speaker 1>the same time, you don't want someone who's threatened by

0:13:57.640 --> 0:13:59.920
<v Speaker 1>it either. I think what we're all looking for is

0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:02.640
<v Speaker 1>someone who allows us to be our best self, who

0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:07.160
<v Speaker 1>appreciates us, who acknowledges it. But what that requires is

0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:12.280
<v Speaker 1>both people to have an understanding of what they're both pursuing.

0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:14.320
<v Speaker 1>In my book Eight Rules of Love, I have a

0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:16.800
<v Speaker 1>dedicated chapter to this, and if you haven't read the book,

0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.720
<v Speaker 1>you can grab a copy on Amazon or wherever you

0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.560
<v Speaker 1>get books. I have a whole chapter dedicated to how

0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:24.560
<v Speaker 1>to find your purpose and how to help your partner

0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:28.040
<v Speaker 1>find their purpose at the same time. And one of

0:14:28.120 --> 0:14:32.040
<v Speaker 1>the hardest parts about this is that when you start

0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:36.680
<v Speaker 1>pursuing something and if it's not working, and your partner's

0:14:36.720 --> 0:14:40.600
<v Speaker 1>pursuing their thing and it's working, the natural feelings we

0:14:40.720 --> 0:14:45.320
<v Speaker 1>have even towards someone we love is jealousy, envy, competition.

0:14:45.840 --> 0:14:47.760
<v Speaker 1>Now you may say you don't have it, and that's beautiful,

0:14:47.760 --> 0:14:50.280
<v Speaker 1>that's amazing if you don't have it. But I promise

0:14:50.320 --> 0:14:53.400
<v Speaker 1>you a lot of people do. They feel insecure, they

0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:57.800
<v Speaker 1>feel unsettled, and it comes all from us feeling like

0:14:57.880 --> 0:15:00.200
<v Speaker 1>we want to do something great with our life, but

0:15:00.240 --> 0:15:02.080
<v Speaker 1>maybe we don't have the tools, maybe we don't have

0:15:02.120 --> 0:15:06.560
<v Speaker 1>the motivation. And often what's really uncomfortable in that moment

0:15:07.360 --> 0:15:12.480
<v Speaker 1>is your partner's dissatisfaction with you. Your partner is saying

0:15:12.520 --> 0:15:15.600
<v Speaker 1>to you like, oh my god, why aren't you doing

0:15:15.640 --> 0:15:17.680
<v Speaker 1>it yet? Look what I did. Oh my gosh, you

0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:19.600
<v Speaker 1>need to get up off your backside. I achieved more

0:15:19.600 --> 0:15:22.160
<v Speaker 1>in a month than you have in your year. When

0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:25.160
<v Speaker 1>your partner looks down on you, we've got to make

0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:29.680
<v Speaker 1>sure that whatever gender we are, it's not really about

0:15:30.120 --> 0:15:32.040
<v Speaker 1>what role we play. It's about how we make the

0:15:32.080 --> 0:15:34.960
<v Speaker 1>other person feel. So we have to ask the question,

0:15:35.160 --> 0:15:39.320
<v Speaker 1>are we making the other person feel more insecure? Not

0:15:39.440 --> 0:15:42.640
<v Speaker 1>by our greatness, but by how we make them feel

0:15:42.680 --> 0:15:46.000
<v Speaker 1>about our greatness. You can be great, and you can

0:15:46.040 --> 0:15:49.160
<v Speaker 1>be brilliant, and you can either choose to inspire people

0:15:49.200 --> 0:15:52.240
<v Speaker 1>with that or you can choose to discourage people with that.

0:15:52.680 --> 0:15:55.760
<v Speaker 1>And if you have expectations, and you're telling people that

0:15:55.800 --> 0:15:57.920
<v Speaker 1>you're not happy with where they are or how much

0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:59.760
<v Speaker 1>they've achieved. And I had a friend admit this to

0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:02.320
<v Speaker 1>me a few months back, where she said she was

0:16:02.360 --> 0:16:05.640
<v Speaker 1>with a guy and she constantly reminded him how far

0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:08.520
<v Speaker 1>behind you was to her. That, of course, is not

0:16:08.560 --> 0:16:11.360
<v Speaker 1>an encouraging place to start from. And at the same time,

0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:13.960
<v Speaker 1>you can't be someone's parent, coaching them along the way,

0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:17.480
<v Speaker 1>cheerleading them the whole way. It's a really interesting balance.

0:16:17.800 --> 0:16:20.600
<v Speaker 1>But I will say this, often the way we support

0:16:20.600 --> 0:16:23.400
<v Speaker 1>our partner is different. You may support your partner in

0:16:23.440 --> 0:16:27.160
<v Speaker 1>their career, they may support you mentally and emotionally. We

0:16:27.200 --> 0:16:29.480
<v Speaker 1>may not support the person we love in the same

0:16:29.600 --> 0:16:34.280
<v Speaker 1>area they support us, and that's okay, That's totally fine.

0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:37.120
<v Speaker 1>For example, like Raddy came up to me when she

0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:39.240
<v Speaker 1>was asking me questions about her book, and as I'd

0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:41.680
<v Speaker 1>launched two books before she launched her first one, I

0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:44.840
<v Speaker 1>had a lot to share. So in that area, Raddi's

0:16:44.880 --> 0:16:47.960
<v Speaker 1>not helping me with my book. When it comes to

0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:51.400
<v Speaker 1>setting the right tones, setting the right mood in the home,

0:16:51.520 --> 0:16:53.960
<v Speaker 1>setting the right energy, I let Radi lead on that.

0:16:54.680 --> 0:16:58.280
<v Speaker 1>So we have to understand that leadership comes in many

0:16:58.360 --> 0:17:04.160
<v Speaker 1>different forms. Partner may lead financially, but you may lead emotionally.

0:17:04.680 --> 0:17:07.760
<v Speaker 1>Your partner may lead physically are you taking care of

0:17:07.800 --> 0:17:09.800
<v Speaker 1>the physical things in the home, But you may lead

0:17:09.880 --> 0:17:12.840
<v Speaker 1>mentally are you making decisions? So I think it's really

0:17:12.880 --> 0:17:16.160
<v Speaker 1>important to realize what leadership is and what you're looking for.

0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:18.080
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes people say to me, I want to be with

0:17:18.080 --> 0:17:21.200
<v Speaker 1>someone really ambitious and they are ambitious too, And I say, okay,

0:17:21.280 --> 0:17:23.480
<v Speaker 1>well do you know what that looks like, because that

0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:26.119
<v Speaker 1>isn't the person who's sitting front row at your event

0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:28.880
<v Speaker 1>hearing you on. If you want to be with someone ambitious,

0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:30.520
<v Speaker 1>chances are they going to be on the road too.

0:17:31.160 --> 0:17:33.639
<v Speaker 1>If you want to be with someone who's killing it

0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:35.399
<v Speaker 1>their career, chances are there's going to be a lot

0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:37.000
<v Speaker 1>of late nights. They're not always going to have loads

0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:39.440
<v Speaker 1>of time for you. And neither of those is better

0:17:39.560 --> 0:17:41.439
<v Speaker 1>or worse. But it's about being honest with what you

0:17:41.520 --> 0:17:44.720
<v Speaker 1>want and what that means you attract. I think that

0:17:45.040 --> 0:17:48.879
<v Speaker 1>it takes time for people to find their stability, and

0:17:49.720 --> 0:17:52.360
<v Speaker 1>when you're making someone feel insecure, no matter how much

0:17:52.359 --> 0:17:55.160
<v Speaker 1>you try lift them up, if they are not doing

0:17:55.160 --> 0:17:57.920
<v Speaker 1>the work to lift themselves up. There's only so much

0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:00.000
<v Speaker 1>you can do, and so as much as we can

0:18:00.080 --> 0:18:03.720
<v Speaker 1>play that role, we can't take the responsibility to be

0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:08.639
<v Speaker 1>the person that lifts someone up. We can be a supporter,

0:18:09.200 --> 0:18:11.879
<v Speaker 1>we can be a cheerleader, we can't do the work

0:18:11.920 --> 0:18:15.480
<v Speaker 1>for them, and I think sometimes some of us feel

0:18:15.520 --> 0:18:18.120
<v Speaker 1>that if we do the work for them, they'll suddenly

0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:21.879
<v Speaker 1>get it. But the truth is we can't, and so

0:18:22.760 --> 0:18:25.720
<v Speaker 1>we need to empower them. But we need to empower

0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.440
<v Speaker 1>ourselves as well, and that can be the hardest part

0:18:28.480 --> 0:18:30.600
<v Speaker 1>about all of this. One of the things I want

0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:34.520
<v Speaker 1>to say is that I found another interesting study, and

0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:37.520
<v Speaker 1>it said that in this study of one hundred and

0:18:37.520 --> 0:18:43.000
<v Speaker 1>five men, the researchers gave two scenarios. The first scenario,

0:18:43.119 --> 0:18:47.760
<v Speaker 1>they told men that a woman close by who they

0:18:47.800 --> 0:18:53.359
<v Speaker 1>never saw either outperformed or underperformed them on an intelligence test,

0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:57.120
<v Speaker 1>and the men said that they would like the person

0:18:57.280 --> 0:19:00.960
<v Speaker 1>who outperformed them on the test. In the second round,

0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:04.760
<v Speaker 1>men were told that they were about to meet a

0:19:04.800 --> 0:19:08.520
<v Speaker 1>woman who did better than them on the test, and

0:19:08.600 --> 0:19:12.119
<v Speaker 1>at that time men choose not to meet that woman.

0:19:12.600 --> 0:19:14.960
<v Speaker 1>So it's really interesting. Men said they were attracted to

0:19:15.000 --> 0:19:17.439
<v Speaker 1>a smarter woman. But then when they were told that

0:19:17.480 --> 0:19:20.160
<v Speaker 1>they were about to meet them, that was a much

0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:23.640
<v Speaker 1>more challenging scenario. That was a much more challenging thing

0:19:23.680 --> 0:19:26.399
<v Speaker 1>for them. And so if you're with someone, or if

0:19:26.400 --> 0:19:28.600
<v Speaker 1>you're dating someone and you see them and you like

0:19:28.680 --> 0:19:31.240
<v Speaker 1>them and they're not as ambitious and driven as you,

0:19:31.840 --> 0:19:34.199
<v Speaker 1>it's up for you to decide how important that is

0:19:34.280 --> 0:19:37.040
<v Speaker 1>for you. But the qualities that this person has and

0:19:37.040 --> 0:19:40.520
<v Speaker 1>what they bring to a relationship. Remember, career ambition isn't

0:19:40.760 --> 0:19:43.280
<v Speaker 1>all anyone brings to a relationship, male or female, whoever

0:19:43.320 --> 0:19:45.480
<v Speaker 1>they may be. There's so much more we bring to

0:19:45.520 --> 0:19:50.600
<v Speaker 1>a relationship, and career ambition doesn't define whether you have

0:19:50.760 --> 0:19:55.160
<v Speaker 1>a successful relationship or not, or an unsuccessful one. Right,

0:19:55.400 --> 0:20:01.640
<v Speaker 1>It's almost disconnected from the actual success part. I think

0:20:01.680 --> 0:20:03.720
<v Speaker 1>what I look for when I encourage people to look

0:20:03.720 --> 0:20:06.040
<v Speaker 1>for is what do you think is going to make

0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:09.680
<v Speaker 1>someone a successful partner? What do you think is going

0:20:09.760 --> 0:20:14.320
<v Speaker 1>to make people a healthy partner? If you focus on that,

0:20:14.720 --> 0:20:18.560
<v Speaker 1>chances are the rest will figure itself out. One of

0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:20.879
<v Speaker 1>the things that comes to mind is I'm talking about

0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:24.119
<v Speaker 1>this with all of you. You're trying to find someone

0:20:24.119 --> 0:20:25.720
<v Speaker 1>who's going to be a partner. And what a partner

0:20:25.760 --> 0:20:27.600
<v Speaker 1>means is you support them on some things, they support

0:20:27.640 --> 0:20:29.560
<v Speaker 1>you on others. What you don't want to be as

0:20:29.560 --> 0:20:31.119
<v Speaker 1>a parent, and what you don't want to be as

0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:33.080
<v Speaker 1>a child. You don't want to be the child of

0:20:33.119 --> 0:20:35.439
<v Speaker 1>the relationship where you're expecting someone else to parent you

0:20:35.480 --> 0:20:37.800
<v Speaker 1>and build you up all the time. And you don't

0:20:37.800 --> 0:20:39.560
<v Speaker 1>want to be the parent in a relationship where the

0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:42.800
<v Speaker 1>other person's a child. But a partnership means we're willing

0:20:42.880 --> 0:20:44.840
<v Speaker 1>to help each other, We're willing to support each other.

0:20:45.880 --> 0:20:49.000
<v Speaker 1>And I think it's important early on to figure out

0:20:49.040 --> 0:20:54.240
<v Speaker 1>whether the threatening and the intimidation is something. If you

0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:58.280
<v Speaker 1>keep feeling that, you also have to ask yourself, am

0:20:58.320 --> 0:21:01.560
<v Speaker 1>I attracting the right man? I working towards the right person?

0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:04.119
<v Speaker 1>Beyond beyond whether it's a male or a female as well.

0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:06.800
<v Speaker 1>I want to end on this last point, and it's this,

0:21:07.640 --> 0:21:11.879
<v Speaker 1>we should respect our partner's ambitions, they should respect ours,

0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:14.639
<v Speaker 1>and we should be excited to watch each other grow.

0:21:15.240 --> 0:21:17.840
<v Speaker 1>This requires such a high level of maturity because when

0:21:17.880 --> 0:21:20.520
<v Speaker 1>you actually say I want to watch you grow, that

0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:23.440
<v Speaker 1>means you're okay with however they grow. And most often

0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:25.360
<v Speaker 1>we want people to grow the way we want them

0:21:25.400 --> 0:21:30.640
<v Speaker 1>to grow. And so a successful relationship requires a flexibility

0:21:30.960 --> 0:21:35.439
<v Speaker 1>and adaptability and openness to who that person wants to become.

0:21:35.880 --> 0:21:39.560
<v Speaker 1>And that's very unsettling for most people. For most people,

0:21:39.600 --> 0:21:43.239
<v Speaker 1>we want certainty, we want clarity, we want ease, we

0:21:43.280 --> 0:21:47.800
<v Speaker 1>want comfort, and a real, healthy, long term relationship evolves

0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:51.040
<v Speaker 1>far more than that, and so I think it's important

0:21:51.080 --> 0:21:54.320
<v Speaker 1>to remember that, first of all, don't make career ambition

0:21:54.440 --> 0:21:57.080
<v Speaker 1>the only thing you look for in a relationship. Don't

0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:00.879
<v Speaker 1>make it your sole identity either. Look for traits that

0:22:00.960 --> 0:22:05.320
<v Speaker 1>make people a healthy partner, and ultimately recognize that growing together,

0:22:05.800 --> 0:22:08.040
<v Speaker 1>being tolerant of each other in some areas, as long

0:22:08.080 --> 0:22:11.439
<v Speaker 1>as it's not hurting you, is part of any healthy

0:22:11.520 --> 0:22:15.199
<v Speaker 1>relationship and building something special together. Thanks so much for

0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:18.440
<v Speaker 1>listening to this episode. I hope it helped you rethink

0:22:18.480 --> 0:22:21.399
<v Speaker 1>this idea, and I hope that it helps you have

0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:25.320
<v Speaker 1>healthier conversations with the people you know and love. Remember this,

0:22:25.600 --> 0:22:28.399
<v Speaker 1>I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.

0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:31.720
<v Speaker 1>If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with

0:22:31.960 --> 0:22:36.119
<v Speaker 1>Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to

0:22:36.200 --> 0:22:39.840
<v Speaker 1>heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

0:22:40.200 --> 0:22:42.760
<v Speaker 1>Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a

0:22:43.040 --> 0:22:45.320
<v Speaker 1>tree doesn't grow, Oh, it's hard and thick, does it.

0:22:45.320 --> 0:22:47.680
<v Speaker 1>It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.