1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: Some men are less attracted to successful women because they've 2 00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,480 Speaker 1: been told that they need to be more successful. So 3 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:11,319 Speaker 1: as soon as they meet someone who shows qualities that 4 00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:17,439 Speaker 1: they don't have, motivation, discipline, drive, enthusiasm, they get worried, 5 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,119 Speaker 1: they get concerned. It's a reminder of their own inadequacy. 6 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,479 Speaker 1: It's an insecurity and let's recognize that there are some 7 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 1: men are less attracted to successful, driven women and they're 8 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:32,480 Speaker 1: not the right person for you. The number one health 9 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:41,280 Speaker 1: and wellness podcast set Jay SETI. Hey, everyone, welcome back 10 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:44,559 Speaker 1: to On Purpose. It's your host, Jay Shetty, and I 11 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,480 Speaker 1: am so grateful to be here with you right now. 12 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:51,239 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for tuning in. And today's question 13 00:00:51,479 --> 00:00:55,400 Speaker 1: that we're reflecting on and asking is are men less 14 00:00:55,520 --> 00:01:01,640 Speaker 1: attracted to successful women? If your ambitionous and driven and dating, 15 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: this episode is for you. If you have a friend 16 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,200 Speaker 1: who's single right now who's been thinking about this question, 17 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:10,680 Speaker 1: this episode is for you. And if you're someone who's 18 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:14,600 Speaker 1: maybe been in a relationship, maybe you're even divorced, this 19 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,200 Speaker 1: episode could be for you. I think so many people 20 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,280 Speaker 1: are thinking about this topic right now, not enough people 21 00:01:21,360 --> 00:01:25,120 Speaker 1: are speaking about it outwardly, and it's uncomfortable to actually 22 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,520 Speaker 1: dive into it. Like, even when I was thinking about 23 00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:31,560 Speaker 1: making this the episode, I was somewhat scared about it 24 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,720 Speaker 1: because I didn't want it to be misconstrued or misunderstood. 25 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,959 Speaker 1: And so I want you to stay with me because 26 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: I'm definitely going to be explaining why I thought it 27 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:45,480 Speaker 1: was important to ask this question. And the biggest reason 28 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: why I think it's important to ask this question is 29 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: this is how some of the women in my life 30 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,560 Speaker 1: have been feeling. These are friends of mine who are 31 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: dating right now, are single right now, are looking for 32 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 1: love right now, They're looking for a meaningful connection, and 33 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: this kind of sation keeps coming up. Now, I'm guessing 34 00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:05,960 Speaker 1: you might have had this conversation with your friend, maybe 35 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,520 Speaker 1: you've thought about it, maybe you've even quizzed some of 36 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,760 Speaker 1: your male friends in your life about it. And the 37 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: reason why I chose it for this week's topic is 38 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,280 Speaker 1: I was talking to he a friend this week and 39 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,919 Speaker 1: she was saying she spoke to a couple of guys 40 00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:23,000 Speaker 1: in the last month, and she's young, she's ambitious, she's driven, 41 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,239 Speaker 1: she's very kind, very thoughtful, and so it got me thinking. 42 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:30,639 Speaker 1: She said she met a guy her age who after 43 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:34,360 Speaker 1: going on a few dates, he was vulnerable enough to 44 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:39,080 Speaker 1: say to her that he was intimidated by her drive 45 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:42,520 Speaker 1: and would rather be with someone a little more chill. 46 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,440 Speaker 1: He actually said that he felt threatened that he didn't 47 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:50,440 Speaker 1: have that drive and may never have it, even though 48 00:02:50,840 --> 00:02:55,320 Speaker 1: she never expected it from him and never asked for it. Now, 49 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:57,800 Speaker 1: first of all, kudos to that man who was able 50 00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,239 Speaker 1: to be that vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage 51 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,760 Speaker 1: to be that vulnerable, to put yourself out there in 52 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,160 Speaker 1: that way to admit that, and so I want to 53 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,640 Speaker 1: show respect for that, first of all. And the second 54 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,480 Speaker 1: thing I want to say is, maybe a lot of 55 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:15,160 Speaker 1: you have heard something like this for a while. Maybe 56 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,080 Speaker 1: you've had men say it to you, maybe you've found 57 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:19,640 Speaker 1: out through a friend of a friend afterwards, maybe it's 58 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,960 Speaker 1: a thought that crossed your mind. Now, that was one 59 00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:25,800 Speaker 1: guy that she spoke to. She then said that she 60 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,639 Speaker 1: was at a dinner a couple of nights ago and 61 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:34,760 Speaker 1: she overheard a conversation someone was having with a successful founder. 62 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: He was single and looking, and when asked what he wanted, 63 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:45,320 Speaker 1: he said he wanted an ambitious homemaker. And she found 64 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:48,560 Speaker 1: both of these interactions in close proximity to be a 65 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 1: bit deflating. So the young man that she was dating 66 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,960 Speaker 1: was around the same age as her. He was saying 67 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: that she was too intimidating because of her drive. And 68 00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,280 Speaker 1: then she was overhearing this other conversation where this very 69 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:03,880 Speaker 1: successful man was saying he wanted someone who was going 70 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,880 Speaker 1: to be a homemaker and didn't have their own drive, 71 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,760 Speaker 1: And so it left her with the question are men 72 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: less attracted to successful or maybe even just driven women 73 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,359 Speaker 1: who want to create something? Now, I want to point 74 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:23,000 Speaker 1: out that when we're looking at this, this for me 75 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 1: isn't about hating on men or hating on women or 76 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,760 Speaker 1: trying to make either one look bad. I think this 77 00:04:29,839 --> 00:04:33,680 Speaker 1: conversation is about learning to understand why we are where 78 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 1: we are in what circumstances this is true or false, 79 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,960 Speaker 1: real or not, and what do we do about it? Right? 80 00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,120 Speaker 1: I think a lot of conversations focus on like, oh, well, 81 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,120 Speaker 1: all men are bad, and you know, women don't do 82 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,720 Speaker 1: this and men do, and it's like, I don't want 83 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,159 Speaker 1: to do that. What I want to do is have 84 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:54,920 Speaker 1: a really healthy, thoughtful, intelligent conversation around what's going on here. 85 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,920 Speaker 1: So the first thing we have to understand is that 86 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:04,120 Speaker 1: some some men are less attracted to successful women and 87 00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 1: they're not your man. And the reason why this is 88 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,880 Speaker 1: a really important thing to talk about is that there 89 00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,800 Speaker 1: may be some men whose ego is affected by a 90 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:17,039 Speaker 1: more driven successful women. Now let's talk about why that 91 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,040 Speaker 1: is the case. I'm not saying it's a good thing, 92 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:20,800 Speaker 1: and I'm not saying it's right, but why is that 93 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 1: the case. The case is because traditionally men have had 94 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:31,200 Speaker 1: to play that protective, supporting role. They've been the one 95 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,560 Speaker 1: who's had to go out and put food on the table. 96 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:39,560 Speaker 1: They've been the primary breadwinner of the family. So a 97 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:45,040 Speaker 1: lot of men are carrying around a pressure, an expectation 98 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,640 Speaker 1: of them that society is placed on them, and then 99 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:53,000 Speaker 1: they're projecting it into this relationship. So it's not necessarily 100 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:57,640 Speaker 1: projected personally onto you. It's projected because that's how society 101 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:01,960 Speaker 1: has convinced us that we need to be. And so 102 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:06,440 Speaker 1: some men are less attracted to successful women because they've 103 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,680 Speaker 1: been told that they need to be more successful. So 104 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,520 Speaker 1: as soon as they meet someone who shows qualities that 105 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:19,640 Speaker 1: they don't have, motivation, discipline, drive, enthusiasm, they get worried, 106 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,920 Speaker 1: they get concerned, it's a reminder of their own inadequacy. 107 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 1: It's an insecurity and if a man goes as far 108 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,800 Speaker 1: as admitting that to you, it's definitely not something to 109 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: demean or put down, and it's not something you have 110 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,479 Speaker 1: to date either. I'm not saying, you know, you should 111 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,360 Speaker 1: feel sorry for that person and date. Then. What I'm 112 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,839 Speaker 1: saying is, let's look at why we're here, how we 113 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:42,719 Speaker 1: got there, and let's recognize that there are some men 114 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,839 Speaker 1: are less attracted to successful, driven women and they're not 115 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: the right person for you. Now, it's important to note 116 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:55,800 Speaker 1: that the mindset men are less attracted to successful driven 117 00:06:55,839 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 1: women is actually an unhealthy mindset. When we repeat idea 118 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 1: like that, we're repeating a negative, unhelpful thought which leads 119 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:10,640 Speaker 1: to our unhealthy mindset, which makes us feel that there 120 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: is no man for me that exists unless I diminish 121 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:19,160 Speaker 1: my drive, unless I become less successful. And I would 122 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,200 Speaker 1: honestly say that when I look around my friends who 123 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: are in happy relationships today, they all want it to 124 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: be with smart, thoughtful women. And I think there is 125 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 1: a difference between someone who's smart and smart and driven. 126 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 1: There is a difference. And I would say that a 127 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 1: lot of my friends enjoy being with driven, ambitious women, 128 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: and they're also driven ambitious men. What I want to 129 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,240 Speaker 1: encourage you to do here is that mindset of maybe 130 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: this guy doesn't exist, Maybe I need to slow down, 131 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: Maybe I need to, you know, become different, maybe I 132 00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:52,600 Speaker 1: need to change. I don't think that's the case. And 133 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: there was a great article by Jenna Birch in Psychology Today, 134 00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:00,040 Speaker 1: and she talked about a study where after looking in 135 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,160 Speaker 1: to the mating preferences of more than five thousand men 136 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:08,400 Speaker 1: and women in a survey, an anthropologist named Helen Fisher 137 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:13,560 Speaker 1: wrote that she saw something called the Clooney effect in America. Now, 138 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,760 Speaker 1: this article was in twenty eighteen, and the research found that, 139 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: according to Fisher's numbers, men desire smart, strong, successful women, 140 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: and eighty seven percent of men said that they were 141 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,200 Speaker 1: data women who was more intellectual than they were, who 142 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:33,120 Speaker 1: is better educated, and who made considerably more money than 143 00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:36,520 Speaker 1: they did, while eighty six percent said they were in 144 00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,600 Speaker 1: search of a woman who is confident and self assured. 145 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,080 Speaker 1: So it's just really important to point that out that 146 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 1: sometimes I think we developed these narratives based on our 147 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 1: few data points, and we all have confirmation bias where 148 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,280 Speaker 1: we also have another friend who went through the same thing, 149 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:54,520 Speaker 1: and now all of us are saying the same thing, 150 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,559 Speaker 1: and guess what, it makes us reduce our poor even more. 151 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,640 Speaker 1: We now go out look looking for who's going to 152 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:05,240 Speaker 1: confirm that belief, right, That's what happens. We kind of 153 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,719 Speaker 1: look to who confirms our belief. Let me give you 154 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: a really simple example about this. If you're thinking of 155 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:15,000 Speaker 1: getting a specific car that you really like, you're now 156 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,439 Speaker 1: looking for other people to confirm that belief and say, 157 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,760 Speaker 1: oh my god, I really like that car too. So 158 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,600 Speaker 1: we're constantly looking for people to confirm our beliefs. And 159 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,560 Speaker 1: so we may surround ourselves with a group of people 160 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: who all say men are just not attracted to successful, 161 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:31,640 Speaker 1: ambitious women, and we keep reaffirming that belief when the 162 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:34,360 Speaker 1: study shows the opposite. And it's interesting. It's called the 163 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: Clooney effect, of course, because George Clooney with a male 164 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:43,680 Speaker 1: who's extremely talented, smart, ambitious, thoughtful, And it's just an 165 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,080 Speaker 1: interesting thing that we often see these rumors or doubts 166 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:50,480 Speaker 1: we have spread faster than some of the statistics that 167 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,920 Speaker 1: come out for it. Now, it is important to note 168 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,320 Speaker 1: because I thought it would be interesting to look at 169 00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,680 Speaker 1: the facts of what's happening as well. And when I 170 00:09:59,679 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 1: was looking it up, it said that back in nineteen seventy, 171 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,839 Speaker 1: only eleven percent of Americans twenty five or older had 172 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:10,439 Speaker 1: bachelor's degrees. That number has gone up every decade to 173 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:14,480 Speaker 1: roughly thirty eight percent in twenty twenty one, according to 174 00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:19,319 Speaker 1: the data from the Census Bureau's current Population Survey, and 175 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 1: the jump since twenty ten has been especially sharp. This 176 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:25,800 Speaker 1: research said, and one of the big drivers has been 177 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:30,000 Speaker 1: that more women are completing their four year degrees, and 178 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:34,319 Speaker 1: in the last decade, women surpassed men in college completion. 179 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,720 Speaker 1: So when you look at it from a college perspective, 180 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,839 Speaker 1: and I appreciate that college isn't the only way to 181 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:42,959 Speaker 1: show ambition or success. There are plenty of people who 182 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,760 Speaker 1: are not going to college and doing exceptionally well, but 183 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,240 Speaker 1: to use it as a marker, we're seeing that women 184 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,240 Speaker 1: are completing degrees more than men. In twenty twenty one, 185 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,840 Speaker 1: the Census found that the number of women with degrees 186 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,440 Speaker 1: was about three points higher than the figure for men, 187 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,000 Speaker 1: is thirty nine point one percent for women compared to 188 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: thirty six point six percent for men, and The reason 189 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,480 Speaker 1: why that's so incredible is that back in nineteen seventy, 190 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 1: about eight percent of twenty five plus women had bachelor's degrees, 191 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,840 Speaker 1: and that was six points below where American men were 192 00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 1: at the time. So the insane rise of women being 193 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:28,959 Speaker 1: educated and completing their degrees has had a huge impact 194 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: very recently, and it's something that I think a lot 195 00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,920 Speaker 1: of men are having to mentally catch up with. I 196 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:40,160 Speaker 1: think that's the point, right, It's like there's been consensus 197 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 1: in society around roles. There's been a thought process around roles, 198 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: and all of those are being questioned rightly, so, all 199 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,840 Speaker 1: of those are being looked at and reevaluated rightly. So, 200 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: but what's happening is that it's taking a while for 201 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,079 Speaker 1: people to catch up with that, for people to understand that. 202 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 1: To give you an example as to how far behind 203 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,320 Speaker 1: we are compared to where the age education is. In 204 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:07,040 Speaker 1: twenty twenty two, female founded companies received two percent of 205 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 1: all venture capital investment. Let me just say that again. 206 00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:14,240 Speaker 1: In twenty twenty two, female founded companies received only two 207 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:20,439 Speaker 1: percent of all venture capital VC investment. Female founded femtech 208 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:25,320 Speaker 1: companies received twenty eight percent of venture capital funding compared 209 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:29,560 Speaker 1: with thirty eight percent for male founded femtech companies. So 210 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,840 Speaker 1: the reason I'm talking about this is for us to 211 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 1: realize how society is shifted maybe a narrative, maybe in 212 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,640 Speaker 1: us asking the right questions, maybe in us having the 213 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 1: right thoughts, but it hasn't yet shifted mentally, emotionally, and 214 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,240 Speaker 1: it hasn't yet shifted financially. And so when you look 215 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 1: at that, we have to realize that when you're out 216 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:55,440 Speaker 1: there dating and you're finding some confirmation of the belief 217 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,679 Speaker 1: that men are less attracted to successful women, you may 218 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 1: find it because there's all of these reasons as to 219 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,680 Speaker 1: why it's been set up that way. One thing that 220 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:09,760 Speaker 1: I think is really really important to note. I think 221 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 1: it's really important to be with someone who has the 222 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:18,720 Speaker 1: right balance between you. Don't want someone who's threatened by you. 223 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,360 Speaker 1: That doesn't lead to a healthy relationship. Maybe you saw 224 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:25,000 Speaker 1: the movie fair Play last year on Netflix. If you haven't, 225 00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:28,800 Speaker 1: I recommend watching It showed what happens in a relationship 226 00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:33,960 Speaker 1: with confused roles and competition and insecurity and where that leads. 227 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 1: And I mean it shows a very dark version of 228 00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,960 Speaker 1: where that can lead to. But often those are the 229 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:42,800 Speaker 1: emotions that people are feeling inside. But at the same time, 230 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,080 Speaker 1: you don't want someone who just wants to bask in 231 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,760 Speaker 1: your glory. Right, It's a really interesting balance that you're 232 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:51,360 Speaker 1: looking for. You don't want someone who's like basking in 233 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,959 Speaker 1: your glory and just you know, a groupie, And at 234 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,600 Speaker 1: the same time, you don't want someone who's threatened by 235 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 1: it either. I think what we're all looking for is 236 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: someone who allows us to be our best self, who 237 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:07,160 Speaker 1: appreciates us, who acknowledges it. But what that requires is 238 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: both people to have an understanding of what they're both pursuing. 239 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,320 Speaker 1: In my book Eight Rules of Love, I have a 240 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,800 Speaker 1: dedicated chapter to this, and if you haven't read the book, 241 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,720 Speaker 1: you can grab a copy on Amazon or wherever you 242 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,560 Speaker 1: get books. I have a whole chapter dedicated to how 243 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,560 Speaker 1: to find your purpose and how to help your partner 244 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 1: find their purpose at the same time. And one of 245 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 1: the hardest parts about this is that when you start 246 00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:36,680 Speaker 1: pursuing something and if it's not working, and your partner's 247 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: pursuing their thing and it's working, the natural feelings we 248 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:45,320 Speaker 1: have even towards someone we love is jealousy, envy, competition. 249 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:47,760 Speaker 1: Now you may say you don't have it, and that's beautiful, 250 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,280 Speaker 1: that's amazing if you don't have it. But I promise 251 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:53,400 Speaker 1: you a lot of people do. They feel insecure, they 252 00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:57,800 Speaker 1: feel unsettled, and it comes all from us feeling like 253 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 1: we want to do something great with our life, but 254 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 1: maybe we don't have the tools, maybe we don't have 255 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:06,560 Speaker 1: the motivation. And often what's really uncomfortable in that moment 256 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:12,480 Speaker 1: is your partner's dissatisfaction with you. Your partner is saying 257 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,600 Speaker 1: to you like, oh my god, why aren't you doing 258 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: it yet? Look what I did. Oh my gosh, you 259 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:19,600 Speaker 1: need to get up off your backside. I achieved more 260 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 1: in a month than you have in your year. When 261 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: your partner looks down on you, we've got to make 262 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,680 Speaker 1: sure that whatever gender we are, it's not really about 263 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,040 Speaker 1: what role we play. It's about how we make the 264 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,960 Speaker 1: other person feel. So we have to ask the question, 265 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:39,320 Speaker 1: are we making the other person feel more insecure? Not 266 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: by our greatness, but by how we make them feel 267 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:46,000 Speaker 1: about our greatness. You can be great, and you can 268 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 1: be brilliant, and you can either choose to inspire people 269 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,240 Speaker 1: with that or you can choose to discourage people with that. 270 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: And if you have expectations, and you're telling people that 271 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 1: you're not happy with where they are or how much 272 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,760 Speaker 1: they've achieved. And I had a friend admit this to 273 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 1: me a few months back, where she said she was 274 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 1: with a guy and she constantly reminded him how far 275 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,520 Speaker 1: behind you was to her. That, of course, is not 276 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:11,360 Speaker 1: an encouraging place to start from. And at the same time, 277 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: you can't be someone's parent, coaching them along the way, 278 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: cheerleading them the whole way. It's a really interesting balance. 279 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,600 Speaker 1: But I will say this, often the way we support 280 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 1: our partner is different. You may support your partner in 281 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: their career, they may support you mentally and emotionally. We 282 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,480 Speaker 1: may not support the person we love in the same 283 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: area they support us, and that's okay, That's totally fine. 284 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,120 Speaker 1: For example, like Raddy came up to me when she 285 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,240 Speaker 1: was asking me questions about her book, and as I'd 286 00:16:39,280 --> 00:16:41,680 Speaker 1: launched two books before she launched her first one, I 287 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: had a lot to share. So in that area, Raddi's 288 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 1: not helping me with my book. When it comes to 289 00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,400 Speaker 1: setting the right tones, setting the right mood in the home, 290 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: setting the right energy, I let Radi lead on that. 291 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:58,280 Speaker 1: So we have to understand that leadership comes in many 292 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:04,160 Speaker 1: different forms. Partner may lead financially, but you may lead emotionally. 293 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,760 Speaker 1: Your partner may lead physically are you taking care of 294 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,800 Speaker 1: the physical things in the home, But you may lead 295 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,840 Speaker 1: mentally are you making decisions? So I think it's really 296 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,160 Speaker 1: important to realize what leadership is and what you're looking for. 297 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes people say to me, I want to be with 298 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:21,200 Speaker 1: someone really ambitious and they are ambitious too, And I say, okay, 299 00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,480 Speaker 1: well do you know what that looks like, because that 300 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,119 Speaker 1: isn't the person who's sitting front row at your event 301 00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:28,880 Speaker 1: hearing you on. If you want to be with someone ambitious, 302 00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,520 Speaker 1: chances are they going to be on the road too. 303 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,639 Speaker 1: If you want to be with someone who's killing it 304 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,399 Speaker 1: their career, chances are there's going to be a lot 305 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,000 Speaker 1: of late nights. They're not always going to have loads 306 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,440 Speaker 1: of time for you. And neither of those is better 307 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,439 Speaker 1: or worse. But it's about being honest with what you 308 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:44,720 Speaker 1: want and what that means you attract. I think that 309 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,879 Speaker 1: it takes time for people to find their stability, and 310 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,360 Speaker 1: when you're making someone feel insecure, no matter how much 311 00:17:52,359 --> 00:17:55,160 Speaker 1: you try lift them up, if they are not doing 312 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:57,920 Speaker 1: the work to lift themselves up. There's only so much 313 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,000 Speaker 1: you can do, and so as much as we can 314 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 1: play that role, we can't take the responsibility to be 315 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,639 Speaker 1: the person that lifts someone up. We can be a supporter, 316 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:11,879 Speaker 1: we can be a cheerleader, we can't do the work 317 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:15,480 Speaker 1: for them, and I think sometimes some of us feel 318 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,120 Speaker 1: that if we do the work for them, they'll suddenly 319 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,879 Speaker 1: get it. But the truth is we can't, and so 320 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,720 Speaker 1: we need to empower them. But we need to empower 321 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: ourselves as well, and that can be the hardest part 322 00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 1: about all of this. One of the things I want 323 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: to say is that I found another interesting study, and 324 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,520 Speaker 1: it said that in this study of one hundred and 325 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:43,000 Speaker 1: five men, the researchers gave two scenarios. The first scenario, 326 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: they told men that a woman close by who they 327 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:53,359 Speaker 1: never saw either outperformed or underperformed them on an intelligence test, 328 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,120 Speaker 1: and the men said that they would like the person 329 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:00,960 Speaker 1: who outperformed them on the test. In the second round, 330 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,760 Speaker 1: men were told that they were about to meet a 331 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 1: woman who did better than them on the test, and 332 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:12,119 Speaker 1: at that time men choose not to meet that woman. 333 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,960 Speaker 1: So it's really interesting. Men said they were attracted to 334 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,439 Speaker 1: a smarter woman. But then when they were told that 335 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:20,160 Speaker 1: they were about to meet them, that was a much 336 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:23,640 Speaker 1: more challenging scenario. That was a much more challenging thing 337 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,399 Speaker 1: for them. And so if you're with someone, or if 338 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: you're dating someone and you see them and you like 339 00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,240 Speaker 1: them and they're not as ambitious and driven as you, 340 00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:34,199 Speaker 1: it's up for you to decide how important that is 341 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,040 Speaker 1: for you. But the qualities that this person has and 342 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:40,520 Speaker 1: what they bring to a relationship. Remember, career ambition isn't 343 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 1: all anyone brings to a relationship, male or female, whoever 344 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,480 Speaker 1: they may be. There's so much more we bring to 345 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:50,600 Speaker 1: a relationship, and career ambition doesn't define whether you have 346 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:55,160 Speaker 1: a successful relationship or not, or an unsuccessful one. Right, 347 00:19:55,400 --> 00:20:01,640 Speaker 1: It's almost disconnected from the actual success part. I think 348 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:03,720 Speaker 1: what I look for when I encourage people to look 349 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,040 Speaker 1: for is what do you think is going to make 350 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,680 Speaker 1: someone a successful partner? What do you think is going 351 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:14,320 Speaker 1: to make people a healthy partner? If you focus on that, 352 00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,560 Speaker 1: chances are the rest will figure itself out. One of 353 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,879 Speaker 1: the things that comes to mind is I'm talking about 354 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:24,119 Speaker 1: this with all of you. You're trying to find someone 355 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:25,720 Speaker 1: who's going to be a partner. And what a partner 356 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:27,600 Speaker 1: means is you support them on some things, they support 357 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,560 Speaker 1: you on others. What you don't want to be as 358 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,119 Speaker 1: a parent, and what you don't want to be as 359 00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 1: a child. You don't want to be the child of 360 00:20:33,119 --> 00:20:35,439 Speaker 1: the relationship where you're expecting someone else to parent you 361 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:37,800 Speaker 1: and build you up all the time. And you don't 362 00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:39,560 Speaker 1: want to be the parent in a relationship where the 363 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: other person's a child. But a partnership means we're willing 364 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 1: to help each other, We're willing to support each other. 365 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,000 Speaker 1: And I think it's important early on to figure out 366 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:54,240 Speaker 1: whether the threatening and the intimidation is something. If you 367 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:58,280 Speaker 1: keep feeling that, you also have to ask yourself, am 368 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,560 Speaker 1: I attracting the right man? I working towards the right person? 369 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,119 Speaker 1: Beyond beyond whether it's a male or a female as well. 370 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:06,800 Speaker 1: I want to end on this last point, and it's this, 371 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,879 Speaker 1: we should respect our partner's ambitions, they should respect ours, 372 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 1: and we should be excited to watch each other grow. 373 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,840 Speaker 1: This requires such a high level of maturity because when 374 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:20,520 Speaker 1: you actually say I want to watch you grow, that 375 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: means you're okay with however they grow. And most often 376 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:25,360 Speaker 1: we want people to grow the way we want them 377 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:30,640 Speaker 1: to grow. And so a successful relationship requires a flexibility 378 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:35,439 Speaker 1: and adaptability and openness to who that person wants to become. 379 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,560 Speaker 1: And that's very unsettling for most people. For most people, 380 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:43,239 Speaker 1: we want certainty, we want clarity, we want ease, we 381 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:47,800 Speaker 1: want comfort, and a real, healthy, long term relationship evolves 382 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 1: far more than that, and so I think it's important 383 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 1: to remember that, first of all, don't make career ambition 384 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,080 Speaker 1: the only thing you look for in a relationship. Don't 385 00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:00,879 Speaker 1: make it your sole identity either. Look for traits that 386 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:05,320 Speaker 1: make people a healthy partner, and ultimately recognize that growing together, 387 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: being tolerant of each other in some areas, as long 388 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,439 Speaker 1: as it's not hurting you, is part of any healthy 389 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,199 Speaker 1: relationship and building something special together. Thanks so much for 390 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,440 Speaker 1: listening to this episode. I hope it helped you rethink 391 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,399 Speaker 1: this idea, and I hope that it helps you have 392 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:25,320 Speaker 1: healthier conversations with the people you know and love. Remember this, 393 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,399 Speaker 1: I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. 394 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,720 Speaker 1: If you love this episode, you'll love my interview with 395 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 1: Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and how to 396 00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:39,840 Speaker 1: heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. 397 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,760 Speaker 1: Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a 398 00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 1: tree doesn't grow, Oh, it's hard and thick, does it. 399 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,680 Speaker 1: It goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.