Speaker 1: This is How Men Think with brooks Like and Gavin
Speaker 1: de Graf and I heard radio podcast. Welcome to another
Speaker 1: episode of How Men Think. My name is brooks Like,
Speaker 1: and I will give co host honors. Amy didn't say
Speaker 1: I could do this, but I can do whatever I
Speaker 1: want on this show. I'm giving co host honors to
Speaker 1: Dmitri and Rick today. What's up to meet you? How
Speaker 1: you doing? Does that mean more money or any money
Speaker 1: or comes with the co host titles? So far, I've
Speaker 1: received no money, so you should have gotten a check
Speaker 1: for two Wow. That's yeah, I found that my coach.
Speaker 1: Did you not get that yet? Dryer Catcher? But I
Speaker 1: we don't have Gavin today, so gave Buddy. I miss you.
Speaker 1: He's usually my co host pilot. Ryan's not here today.
Speaker 1: He's co hosted one. So now I want to bestow
Speaker 1: this honor on you, gentlemen, to be gracious co host
Speaker 1: for the first time, and we were very honored. Thanks,
Speaker 1: thank you. Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have come in
Speaker 1: prepared with like a badge when you could pin on
Speaker 1: you guys like last manager. So it feels a little
Speaker 1: thrown together, but that's okay. It's perfect day for them
Speaker 1: to co host because of the topic, they're somewhat of experts.
Speaker 1: Oh they're Amy, Well said, so the topic of today's podcast.
Speaker 1: We teased it last week. The topic of today's podcast
Speaker 1: is sex. We are going to dive into all things sex.
Speaker 1: We've got so many questions, comments, thoughts, stories from the
Speaker 1: listeners about sex and we're going to dive into all
Speaker 1: of it. And Amy, I guess, looks at you. You
Speaker 1: didn't say I was anything of an ex Apparently we're
Speaker 1: sex experts. I mean sex. I don't know how congratulation laid.
Speaker 1: But Jesus Christ, I mean, I want to talk about diet.
Speaker 1: I've gotten a compliment here and there over the years,
Speaker 1: but I don't know that makes me an expert. But sure,
Speaker 1: you're a humble guy, Dmitri. You are. You are a
Speaker 1: humble guy. Amy's like just chomping at the bit to
Speaker 1: get into this one. I just don't want my parents listening.
Speaker 1: It would just feel weird because I will reveal things
Speaker 1: that are inappropriate. Okay, Amy's an open book. We always
Speaker 1: appreciate that. Okay, So the very first topic, the first thing,
Speaker 1: and by the way, this is a we're gonna have
Speaker 1: some fun today. But this is also a very serious conversation.
Speaker 1: This is um. This is a part of life, a
Speaker 1: part of relationships, a part of individuality, all of this,
Speaker 1: and this is a part it really excuse me, a
Speaker 1: truthfully a part of happiness. And so it's somewhat been
Speaker 1: a taboo or hush hush topic and that's the point
Speaker 1: of this shows we want to dive into um areas
Speaker 1: that maybe people are scared of going or opening up
Speaker 1: about our being vulnerable. So we are going to go
Speaker 1: at this in a playful and fun way, but also
Speaker 1: in a very thoughtful and hopefully serving way to the
Speaker 1: community where you guys can draw some value from this um.
Speaker 1: We have three males and one female. We also have
Speaker 1: producer Tor and producer Danielle in studio, so we can
Speaker 1: maybe have them way in as well, so we can
Speaker 1: have some plarity between men and women and the conversation
Speaker 1: and the age we need Tori's younger opinion. And then
Speaker 1: we do have a couple of experts, real experts. Was
Speaker 1: coming at something. It's sort of like the last minute
Speaker 1: co hosting just were we were as sexperts for like
Speaker 1: two minutes, which sounds about right. That's two minutes more Okay,
Speaker 1: let's go. Let's go right into it. Okay. Uh. The
Speaker 1: topic that we received the most from our listeners, The
Speaker 1: thing that you guys want to hear the most about
Speaker 1: or have the most issue with in your relationships is
Speaker 1: initiating sex. So the very first thing we want to talk.
Speaker 1: We have some bullet points that you guys have sent in. Um,
Speaker 1: A very common issue is one partner wants sex more
Speaker 1: than the other. So one partner has a greater sign
Speaker 1: that in your marriages, all three of you, Yeah, I'd
Speaker 1: say so. Um. And in fact, let me make a
Speaker 1: blake in statement here. A lot of this will be
Speaker 1: about my marriage, but some of this will also be
Speaker 1: from other relationships I've had. So I don't want anybody
Speaker 1: listening to think, oh, this is obviously his wife. So
Speaker 1: but yeah, I think I think more. I always assumed
Speaker 1: it was more time than not a lot of time.
Speaker 1: The guy wants it more. Disagree? Really, yeah, I know
Speaker 1: that from our listeners, and for myself, women, I think
Speaker 1: the issue is somebody always wants it more. I think
Speaker 1: the biggest fallback is that nobody that you don't communicate
Speaker 1: it to each other. And so I have a feeling
Speaker 1: in my relationship that I want to have sex more,
Speaker 1: but it could be totally the opposite, but we're just
Speaker 1: not communicating about it. That's a great point. I mean probably,
Speaker 1: especially if if I'm saying I think it's guys and
Speaker 1: Amy saying it's probably, then maybe it's just high noon
Speaker 1: and no one's talking. It's just the other day. I
Speaker 1: was playing the holdout game and it just lasting a
Speaker 1: lot of time, and finally I got a text and
Speaker 1: it was like sex tonight, question Mark, question Mark, question
Speaker 1: Mark with the praying hands, and I was like, hell, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: just it's just a mind game. Okay, let's unpack this.
Speaker 1: Years and you're playing mind games for sex. Is that
Speaker 1: because you want her to initiate it? Yes, because it
Speaker 1: makes you feel desired to interesting. Okay. So that's one
Speaker 1: of the mine that leads into one of our next
Speaker 1: things that that's very common, Um people feel when they initiate.
Speaker 1: This is a response from the listeners when they initiate
Speaker 1: and get turned down, Um, they feel sad and and
Speaker 1: so that actually scares them about initiating sex. I'll say
Speaker 1: this personally from guys, but from my point of view,
Speaker 1: it's not that I get scared but it is an
Speaker 1: awkward feeling, like remember when you were younger and maybe
Speaker 1: your credit wasn't that good, you didn't have any money
Speaker 1: and you had a credit card and you go to
Speaker 1: pay for things and you're like, oh god, this could
Speaker 1: be the client and you get awkward, like almost flop
Speaker 1: sweat and you're like, oh my god, how's this gonna go?
Speaker 1: And it gets accepted, you're like, oh thank god. And
Speaker 1: if it gets the cline, you're like, everyone's now, everyone knows.
Speaker 1: Now everyone knows I don't have three bucks and tell him.
Speaker 1: You're like, I'm gonna get room service now. But exactly so,
Speaker 1: it is. It is. I think it does suck to
Speaker 1: be turned down, so for what the reason could be legitimate,
Speaker 1: but to be turned down is a blow to your
Speaker 1: ego and be like, so here's here's a the other
Speaker 1: side to that isn't really a blow to the ego,
Speaker 1: because there has to have been times when your wife
Speaker 1: is in the mood and you're like, I'm just like exhausted,
Speaker 1: like I just can't right now. I just all I
Speaker 1: want to do is go to sleep. You guys have
Speaker 1: four kids, Like, would you not look at both sides
Speaker 1: of the coin. Like I do that. When I think
Speaker 1: of like my wife, I think of like, yeah, sometimes
Speaker 1: there's times where she's just had a super stressful day,
Speaker 1: and there's times where I've had a day or I'm
Speaker 1: super exhausted or something. I'm just all I really want
Speaker 1: to do is go to sleep. That doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: you don't love the person. No, No, it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you don't love him. When I say a blow
Speaker 1: to the ego, it's like, no, you you you may
Speaker 1: want something and when you don't get it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: if you feel like you're a you're in this person
Speaker 1: doesn't like you, but it's like you kind of wanted something.
Speaker 1: You want that person and wanted to YEA. So if
Speaker 1: you're in the mood and the other person is like not,
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, well it's not. It's not like all
Speaker 1: of a sudden your self esteem is shot. But it sucks. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I see, like I it's happened to me obviously, But
Speaker 1: I see how you can take it like the person
Speaker 1: is not attracted to you. That it could be interpreted
Speaker 1: if it's someone I'm in a relationship with. Ever, I
Speaker 1: don't know that I ever. Ever, No, I've never turned
Speaker 1: it down, you know. I mean, I think it's more like,
Speaker 1: hold all an of you have never turned it down
Speaker 1: last night. I've never That's what I'm saying, Producer Danielle.
Speaker 1: So I agree with not that I can remember, because
Speaker 1: it's it's like maybe it wasn't like my my best performance,
Speaker 1: but I was never like you know what, not tonight.
Speaker 1: And I'm just I also think you can mess around.
Speaker 1: I'm not saying like the full thing, but I've never
Speaker 1: turned it down, like at least sort of fooling around
Speaker 1: ever if I'm in a relationship with the person. Okay,
Speaker 1: I kind of agree with producer Danielle. Here, do you
Speaker 1: want to chime in on this? This is Danielle. Maybe
Speaker 1: let's hold off on that. You guys are liar apart
Speaker 1: and just say your opinion. Well, I just there's so
Speaker 1: many days when you're when you come home and you're
Speaker 1: just tired and all you want to do is just
Speaker 1: go to sleep. And that's happened to me before, where
Speaker 1: my husband's like, you know, trying to have sex, and
Speaker 1: I'm like I can't right now. I the only thing
Speaker 1: on my brain is going to sleep. Let's do this tomorrow,
Speaker 1: you know. But that's from a moment like I've been
Speaker 1: turned down for that same reason, But I don't know
Speaker 1: that I've ever I've never had like my wife or
Speaker 1: a girlfriend when I was in a relationship be like
Speaker 1: I want to have sex to me, but not tonight.
Speaker 1: Your husband turned you down. You're a liar. I know
Speaker 1: did it. I just literally got contradicted it and I
Speaker 1: so you you could say that you've turned it down.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think if I've ever turned it down.
Speaker 1: I think I can't clearly say for sure that I have,
Speaker 1: But I can't clearly say that I haven't. I bet
Speaker 1: I would bet that I probably have in my life,
Speaker 1: in my relationship with my wife, have turned down um
Speaker 1: sex at some point. And like, I think you guys
Speaker 1: are all. I honestly think you guys are all lying
Speaker 1: to you guys. Perhaps we're misremembering, but I really don't remember.
Speaker 1: In fact is you're saying, you're calling us a liar,
Speaker 1: but you can't remember when you did it. You're saying,
Speaker 1: probably I must have. Yeah. I think I think, going
Speaker 1: back to the relationship side of it is there may
Speaker 1: be subtle things that she's promoting to promote sex that's
Speaker 1: not like you're in the bed at the same time
Speaker 1: and you're reaching over and you're grabbing each other. It's
Speaker 1: could have been throughout the day or when you got
Speaker 1: home from work it's like, hey, how's it going, and
Speaker 1: you know that I'm not even picking up on that. Yeah,
Speaker 1: where I'm like, hey, let's get physical or whatever. Then
Speaker 1: and then she's like, oh, I'm so tired tonight. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm you know, blah blah blah. But like that's a
Speaker 1: good point. So maybe there's maybe there's subtle inquiries into
Speaker 1: it that that we didn't pick up on and then
Speaker 1: and then she stopped. But I've never flat out known
Speaker 1: it was. It could happen, and Okay, so here's a
Speaker 1: here's a question for you guys. So for people out
Speaker 1: there that are struggling with that are listening to this,
Speaker 1: that are struggling with initiating sex, what's something that they
Speaker 1: can do to get over the fear of rejection if
Speaker 1: they partner possibly says no, they're not in the mood.
Speaker 1: What can we do to help our listeners initiate more
Speaker 1: romance and sex in their relationship. I think it goes
Speaker 1: to what Rick said, is that you've got to be
Speaker 1: a little more open about it. I mean, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: play the mind games or the hold out game there
Speaker 1: because but I think you have to be a little
Speaker 1: more open about it because sometimes you don't realize that
Speaker 1: that's what the person is putting out there. Um. And
Speaker 1: then I think what we said before, just because you
Speaker 1: get rejected does not mean that person doesn't love you,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean they're not attracted to you. You should just
Speaker 1: be Do you think that if there's sort of rejection
Speaker 1: going on, Maybe not one time, but often there's something
Speaker 1: wrong in the relationship so after sorry, no, yeah, like
Speaker 1: often yes, like if you're talking like very commonplace. Yes,
Speaker 1: I believe so. I believe that there's an energetic thing
Speaker 1: that's off there. I don't think that it's that they're
Speaker 1: not compatible. I don't think that it's that they're not
Speaker 1: attracted to each other. I just think that there's an
Speaker 1: energetic um misalignment at that moment that needs a rewiring
Speaker 1: or recalibration to now be drawn to each other again
Speaker 1: versus almost repulsed. Yes, that actually is In the books,
Speaker 1: I read that there can be such a turn off
Speaker 1: for some reason that it's repulsive. And I don't mean
Speaker 1: that like, the person is the idea of the set,
Speaker 1: and that's why I think it's an energetic thing. When
Speaker 1: we moved out here after college, my buddies and I
Speaker 1: my buddy was in a relationship um with this girl
Speaker 1: and after a while they've been dating for years, and
Speaker 1: after a while he was just like, oh, she's just
Speaker 1: not interested in sex anymore. And my other buddy now
Speaker 1: we're like, I think she's probably just not interesting sex
Speaker 1: with you anymore, because I mean we were in our
Speaker 1: twenties and when and for him to be like, she
Speaker 1: just doesn't want to do it there, to me, there
Speaker 1: was some there was some disconnect there, because there's no
Speaker 1: way this girl in or twenties just hanging it up
Speaker 1: for sex. So clearly there was a problem with the
Speaker 1: relationship and was there. So I have a friend who
Speaker 1: I will not name, has sex with her husband every day. Now.
Speaker 1: I don't know if full on or just like mouth
Speaker 1: stuff quote unquote. Here she said her thought on it too,
Speaker 1: is like for some reason, she's not totally in the mood.
Speaker 1: She literally said to me, it takes ten minutes. So
Speaker 1: there are times when she does it simply because he
Speaker 1: wants it, and she loves him. Oh not from Danielle. Oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure. I totally agree with that. There's sometimes where
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not in the mood, but I'm going
Speaker 1: to do it, and then say with him vice versa.
Speaker 1: He's like, let's do it, you know, and not Sometimes
Speaker 1: I don't come home and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: I can't wait to have sex, you know. But if
Speaker 1: he's in the mood, I'm like, all right, I'll give
Speaker 1: in and chime in on that. So I'll say on
Speaker 1: that issue, I think that if your partners not into it,
Speaker 1: I think you go over and above and beyond to
Speaker 1: get them into it. Oh that's a good point, Like that,
Speaker 1: says I was gonna ask Llo, But like, like, when
Speaker 1: you're kind of just doing it even though you're not
Speaker 1: in the mood at the end of it, do you
Speaker 1: did you enjoy it? For sure? Yeah? For sure. Then
Speaker 1: I'm like cake, you know, but you know, getting across
Speaker 1: back to Brooks's point of like, hey, when you're getting
Speaker 1: turned down, then maybe go over and above. Yeah, let
Speaker 1: me see what I can do to let me see
Speaker 1: what I can do to engage you in this and
Speaker 1: and get you excited and turned on and but then
Speaker 1: run around the house naked. So it's super interesting. I'm
Speaker 1: just gonna give two facts. I read a bunch of
Speaker 1: books to prepare for this episode. Massage is the number
Speaker 1: one thing to get people into it and number two
Speaker 1: the thing that people want the most, mouth stuff. What's
Speaker 1: mouth stuff? You don't know? Can he borrow that book?
Speaker 1: A mouth stuff? Mouth stuff is being e J B
Speaker 1: J four J or I just want on mouth on
Speaker 1: the lady. Got it. He's just trying to get you. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's putting you right in a trap here. Ay um,
Speaker 1: so okay, what are those two things again? A Massawsage
Speaker 1: is the number one form of four play that is
Speaker 1: effective and people desire. So let's let's unpack that for
Speaker 1: a second, because that's like a a sensual touch. So
Speaker 1: that's that's actually like an energetic almost connection, like hey,
Speaker 1: let me not just grab parts of you and take
Speaker 1: control like I don't maybe I don't want that. Correct
Speaker 1: The book said, really linger and take a lot of
Speaker 1: time before you touch those parts. Yeah. So, and this
Speaker 1: is not just for a female. This is for a
Speaker 1: male to like if a man is not in the mood,
Speaker 1: um like rubbing your your hands on his back or
Speaker 1: just like light touching on his skin is a very
Speaker 1: sensual thing and it's one of the erotic blueprints right
Speaker 1: from Jaya that we did um essential this episode with
Speaker 1: thirty five year old men and they want to give
Speaker 1: the massage. They also enjoy that as for play, not
Speaker 1: just receiving the massage but giving it. Yeah, that's that's
Speaker 1: one of my favorite things, actually giving a massage. I
Speaker 1: find it. A massage to me is probably too relaxing,
Speaker 1: Like I would rather give it than get it because
Speaker 1: I feel like I would probably get really rested. Getting
Speaker 1: a massage probably does off a sleep. I love giving it.
Speaker 1: I think. Yeah, for me, it's like an aphrodisia. It's
Speaker 1: I'm super I get super turned on giving a massage.
Speaker 1: Can I Okay, so this is getting super turned on
Speaker 1: talking about giving us. Have any of you and please
Speaker 1: try to admit it. Ever had the massage? Wink wink
Speaker 1: where they had in a parlor? You mean a full
Speaker 1: body massage? Yeah, in in a parlor like a paid
Speaker 1: for one. Yes, No, I don't think it's a real thing.
Speaker 1: There's no doubt it's a real thing. No, I have not.
Speaker 1: Robert Kraft, Right, Robert Kraft I know this is commonplace
Speaker 1: and people do not consider it cheating. Yeah, I have friends,
Speaker 1: several friends, and I do travel around the world for
Speaker 1: work in business, and I do have friends that have
Speaker 1: gone to those places, and they have told me stories
Speaker 1: about it, and it's basically it's part of the culture,
Speaker 1: you know. It's it's something that men, particular in those
Speaker 1: particularly countries, do, and it's a it's a it's like
Speaker 1: a relaxation. It's like a woman going to a spa. Right.
Speaker 1: So they've told me that you go in there and
Speaker 1: you get a full body massage, and then afterwards there's
Speaker 1: a separate other room full body, full body, every single
Speaker 1: part of your body. And afterwards you basically go into
Speaker 1: like a whole another room that's like a man cave
Speaker 1: sort of, and it's fifty lazy boy chairs and everyone's
Speaker 1: sitting there. There's TVs everywhere, like whether it's sports or
Speaker 1: news or whatever, and you lay down and you can
Speaker 1: take a nap. I sound like I actually know, like
Speaker 1: I sound like I'm talking like I've been to one.
Speaker 1: And they come by and they, you know, he told me,
Speaker 1: they give you like warm towels and you lay down
Speaker 1: and they come by and give you foot massages and
Speaker 1: then if you want to coke or a beer or
Speaker 1: a cigarette or food or fruit. It's just like so
Speaker 1: it's very similar to Women's Day at the spot. There's
Speaker 1: just a tiny bit more cleaning of the pipe. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's a full body massage. Man. To me, that's totally
Speaker 1: fine to me. That's that's cheating to me. Interesting, that's
Speaker 1: how I just I would never have my boyfriend did that.
Speaker 1: I don't care what I do, not it might make
Speaker 1: him last longer. Yeah, that doesn't bother me. To me,
Speaker 1: that seems just like if I cared that he doesn't
Speaker 1: do it. No, because I don't want strangers touching me.
Speaker 1: I only want that's the only reason you wouldn't do it.
Speaker 1: Or would you not do it because you would feel
Speaker 1: like you are being unfaithful a stranger giving you a
Speaker 1: full body massage. An I don't get massages. I don't
Speaker 1: like him. I don't like strangers touching. We're talking to
Speaker 1: our listeners. They'd have to decide for themselves. For me,
Speaker 1: I wouldn't do it because I don't like a massage.
Speaker 1: Or I'm only into someone touching me that I'm attracted to.
Speaker 1: So it's my I'm in a relationship with so I'm
Speaker 1: I actually side with Brooks on this one. But I
Speaker 1: have a friend and he when he first got together
Speaker 1: with his now wife, they were, you know, they were
Speaker 1: we were out talking and she's and he's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: she doesn't like to give what do you want to say?
Speaker 1: Mouth stuff? And so she's He's like, she doesn't care
Speaker 1: if I get it somewhere else. She doesn't want to
Speaker 1: have sex somewhere, but she doesn't care if I get
Speaker 1: that somewhere else. And she was there and she said, yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't want to do it, but I don't want
Speaker 1: to deprive it. So I draw the line on mouth stuff.
Speaker 1: I don't want my boyfriend going to a spot in
Speaker 1: another country and getting mouth stuff. But a massage and
Speaker 1: hand totally fine. I seems the same to me as
Speaker 1: if he's doing it himself watching some dirty movie on TV.
Speaker 1: That's bother me either. Okay. I would love to hear
Speaker 1: what our listeners think about this, So please send us
Speaker 1: an email men at iHeart radio dot com, because I'm
Speaker 1: we should do is Maybe we should go on a
Speaker 1: trip and just try it. I know Gavin's probably gonna
Speaker 1: be Brooks. Maybe this is the episode Brooks isn't part of.
Speaker 1: While they're at it, can they also let us know
Speaker 1: if they think porn is cheating because I don't, but
Speaker 1: some people do. And after in a minute, let's talk
Speaker 1: about that too, watching it or making it? Watching it?
Speaker 1: Back from break, this is how men think. My name
Speaker 1: is Brooks like and this is the sex episode. We're
Speaker 1: diving into all the fun stuff and we want to
Speaker 1: piggyback that the porn part here. We just had a
Speaker 1: little interesting conversation over this break and we're getting into
Speaker 1: the porn question for you guys. Dmitri, I'm looking at you, Rick,
Speaker 1: I'm looking at you. Is why watching porn cheating in
Speaker 1: your definition? No? No, okay, elaborate a little more. I mean,
Speaker 1: you're you're watching something. What's what's the difference of watching Okay,
Speaker 1: fifty Shades of Gray had was a very graphic movie, right,
Speaker 1: what's the difference between just watching something? If you're not
Speaker 1: involved in something and you're watching it. I mean, what
Speaker 1: if you're watching it and then taking pleasure on yourself
Speaker 1: with yourself? I don't I don't see why that would
Speaker 1: be cheating. Now I don't either, I think cheating you
Speaker 1: need to sort of const we're talking about porn, but
Speaker 1: like cheating is more of a physical one on one.
Speaker 1: If you're actually touching somebody, kissing somebody having that, that's
Speaker 1: that on the side of your partner, right or your
Speaker 1: wife or or whatever. Whereas I don't feel like porn.
Speaker 1: You're watching something. And to Dmitri's point, you know there's
Speaker 1: soft porn, there's fifty shades of gray. There's things that
Speaker 1: actually stimulate somebody. And I think if you're going to
Speaker 1: do something by yourself, then that's okay as long as
Speaker 1: you're watching it. You're not having a physical interaction with something.
Speaker 1: If you're going to a live show, yeah, then maybe
Speaker 1: you're getting a little closer to that. But if you're
Speaker 1: watching it, like I don't show so I want to
Speaker 1: get to that third row, what was it like when
Speaker 1: you did you sit down on the seat just be like,
Speaker 1: I'm so gross white. So here's a question though, to
Speaker 1: play Devil's advocate to that is that some people would
Speaker 1: look at that like it's it's almost like intellectual cheating
Speaker 1: that you are desiring somebody else, that that that that
Speaker 1: it doesn't need to be a physical act for it
Speaker 1: to be cheat. You got sorry ahead. I just know
Speaker 1: that my guy watches porn but is thinking about me.
Speaker 1: Are you sure he's thinking about you? I don't think
Speaker 1: he might not be, so okay, So what if you
Speaker 1: found out he wasn't he was watching porn thinking about
Speaker 1: that woman. We don't care. But listen, everybody has imaginations, right,
Speaker 1: You can find other things sexy or attractive. Just because
Speaker 1: you settled down with in person, does that mean does
Speaker 1: not mean that your tunnel vision from there. So for
Speaker 1: someone to watch something and think, like I know couples
Speaker 1: that there are people out there, the couples that watch
Speaker 1: porn to get aroused together, Yeah, we talked about that.
Speaker 1: I might be open to that. It's it's the basis
Speaker 1: of your relationships. I think we should well and I
Speaker 1: think I think we would be naive to think that
Speaker 1: we are only attracted to that partner. Meaning there's everybody
Speaker 1: wants a different thing, Like I like trucks, I like ferraris,
Speaker 1: I like sports, you know whatever. You know. So it's like, yes,
Speaker 1: I love my wife, I love having sex with her.
Speaker 1: You know that whole thing is together. But I think
Speaker 1: it's also like you're thinking, like, oh, I'm also that's
Speaker 1: attractive to you know, and every and as long as
Speaker 1: you're not doing it in the way we're we're talking
Speaker 1: about being physical with another person and you're you're watching
Speaker 1: porn or that's okay, you're still going to go back
Speaker 1: and be with that person. You're I can I can
Speaker 1: see you right now, and I can tell you. My
Speaker 1: wife doesn't want to. You know, I'm not the only
Speaker 1: person in her eye and to some extent, right you know,
Speaker 1: I mean like they're probably walking on she's like, oh,
Speaker 1: that guy's hot, Like how many chicks think Brad Pitt's
Speaker 1: cut millions? My wife has a picture of Brooks on
Speaker 1: the desk. We know, we discussed the most searched, So
Speaker 1: we did some research and porn hub has the most
Speaker 1: searched porn by men and women. Did we reveal those yet?
Speaker 1: Would you like me to reveal them to you and
Speaker 1: then you can discuss it. So the most yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: right here, I got it right here, So the most common. So,
Speaker 1: by the way, this is this is just like finding
Speaker 1: out what there are different boundaries in different relationships. So
Speaker 1: this was just opening a discussion for that. So do
Speaker 1: that in your own relationship. If you're listening to this,
Speaker 1: but the most common porn searches by men. This might
Speaker 1: started started you guys, milf porn. Milf porn is the
Speaker 1: number one sir by men. And I did some research
Speaker 1: on number two because I it threw me number two
Speaker 1: step mom. So I asked, what in the world does
Speaker 1: that mean? And what I found out is it means
Speaker 1: So let's say there's like, uh in the in the movie,
Speaker 1: there's a thirty year old dude, right, and the dad
Speaker 1: is like sixty, and the step mom's the hot thirty
Speaker 1: five year old gal, and so the gist of the
Speaker 1: storyline is like the step mom's like, oh, you're so
Speaker 1: much bigger than your dad and like stuff like that.
Speaker 1: And I was like, oh, now I get it. Here's
Speaker 1: the thing I will say. I'm and I know you'll left.
Speaker 1: I'm not a I'm not a personal I'm not a
Speaker 1: porn guy. I prefer movies like whatever, but I'm not
Speaker 1: a porn But I don't get what that means. You
Speaker 1: prefer a movie top gun No, Well, I love top
Speaker 1: but no, I mean, I'm not a vacation I don't
Speaker 1: watch porn. But I'm saying I find movies with like seeing,
Speaker 1: like romantic scenes and stuff that goes in that better.
Speaker 1: I'm not a porn guy because it's to me, it's laughable,
Speaker 1: it's so cheesy. I have seen it, but I don't
Speaker 1: search it out. But what I will say about that
Speaker 1: is that the one in two searches, I get it
Speaker 1: because when guys are younger, that's that's the fantasy guys
Speaker 1: when they were like teenagers and coming into the whole
Speaker 1: sexual time. You don't think of like your peers that way.
Speaker 1: It's the whole. I mean, think of American Pie Stiffler's mom,
Speaker 1: Mrs Robinson's such a cultural something like that. So that
Speaker 1: doesn't surprise me that those are the top. Then I
Speaker 1: did a lot of research. Brooks reveal what women search,
Speaker 1: and then I read multiple articles as to why, and
Speaker 1: I can explain to you guys. Okay, so the most
Speaker 1: common thing for women is they prefer girl on girl porn.
Speaker 1: For many reasons that women prefer girl on girls, for
Speaker 1: many straight women preferred. My thought, my my initial thought
Speaker 1: is that women are always I think they're all is
Speaker 1: more connected to other women than men. Don't have the
Speaker 1: connection that women do with women. And I think my
Speaker 1: guests would be that the guys in these movies are
Speaker 1: pretty nasty, so they like to see the woman getting pleasured,
Speaker 1: but not by someone that they think is nasty. So
Speaker 1: you're closer on that, which there probably is some element
Speaker 1: of that. What it's said in the articles I read
Speaker 1: is that women on women porn is much more sensual, slower,
Speaker 1: erotic as opposed to porn that men watch is very
Speaker 1: can I just say the gross words thrusting and penetration
Speaker 1: and like like that, and women find that jarring and unappealing,
Speaker 1: whereas the other type is much more like massaging, slow,
Speaker 1: um and erotic. Yeah. Yeah, it goes back to the
Speaker 1: energetic or the sexual blueprints, the erotic blueprints. Energetic sensual
Speaker 1: versus like sexual is what you think the men's porn
Speaker 1: is like, let's let's let we're know that we're having sex.
Speaker 1: That's the only thing that means. That's the word that
Speaker 1: comes to my mind. The tone that you did. I
Speaker 1: was thinking bingo, like b I N G, and I
Speaker 1: was like, I don't be a how about this. I'll
Speaker 1: go ahead real quick on the on the women on women.
Speaker 1: I feel like maybe the woman who's watching that is
Speaker 1: perhaps thinking about their husband or their partner, whereas a
Speaker 1: male might be watching porn and the b A n
Speaker 1: G O UM is trying to I think you're right,
Speaker 1: is thinking about the bang bang bang. I think you're right, right,
Speaker 1: and I think you nailed it. So here's okay. Another
Speaker 1: porn question. Um. Does pornography in culture today give a
Speaker 1: false sense of what sex really is? Yes, I I
Speaker 1: think it's I think it depends on who you're talking about.
Speaker 1: I think if younger people are watching and stuff, I
Speaker 1: think it's I think it's pretty bad and I think
Speaker 1: it can be pretty detrimental if young boys are watching
Speaker 1: and thinking, oh, this is what it should be, this
Speaker 1: is how women should behave And I think it's terrible.
Speaker 1: If I'm a massive problem because it's so accessible for
Speaker 1: young teens and college students that they have an absolute
Speaker 1: crazy idea of what like relationships, intimacy is. No, you're
Speaker 1: completely right, it's it's not. I think that type of
Speaker 1: sex has been going on for centuries. I think it's
Speaker 1: the accessibility that people can get to see that type
Speaker 1: of sex being played out on a screen. More or less.
Speaker 1: Little kids or you know, younger adults getting into that,
Speaker 1: and I think that warps their brain warps. It's it's
Speaker 1: a complete false sense of how life is. So do
Speaker 1: you think that that can actually ruin a relationship or
Speaker 1: lead to two improper relation ships? Thousand percent? Yeah. I
Speaker 1: mean if you're new into the game, um, and don't
Speaker 1: have as much experience, and you're not you weren't maybe
Speaker 1: brought up well about education on how sex is, and
Speaker 1: you are watching that and then you're with a woman
Speaker 1: and you're all of a sudden like getting into a
Speaker 1: situation that is like the porns being seen or shown
Speaker 1: now and yeah, I mean, and that's when she's definitely
Speaker 1: gonna say no or at least to another whole another
Speaker 1: thing called young girls. Young women are doing things they
Speaker 1: don't want to do because they've seen it and their
Speaker 1: boyfriend has seen it on the internet and think like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're supposed to do that, when it's not anything anyone does.
Speaker 1: So I have something further to that that's I don't
Speaker 1: think i've shared with you guys. Um. So I've been
Speaker 1: looking into the like studying some sexuality that Jayat teaches
Speaker 1: and reading more up on that, And there was something
Speaker 1: that she mentioned that was really powerful and st up
Speaker 1: with me. When as a kid, if your parents ever said, Okay,
Speaker 1: go hug your grandma. Go go go kiss your your grandma,
Speaker 1: or go touch your go hug your grandpa. It's telling
Speaker 1: that kid that they need to go give physical contact
Speaker 1: where maybe they're not comfortable doing. It's always like, oh yeah,
Speaker 1: you're go give your uncle the hugg It's that type
Speaker 1: of stuff. We always I always tell the kids you
Speaker 1: don't have to do anything. You don't have to hug somebody.
Speaker 1: If someone says, you know, give me a hug, whatever,
Speaker 1: it's never something that they have to do. I agree
Speaker 1: with that. And so then that could be laced into
Speaker 1: somebody when they get older and start entering a physical relationship.
Speaker 1: At the same time, how do you let kids know
Speaker 1: that affection is okay, what do you want? If you
Speaker 1: want to, you can go hug your ground. Just change
Speaker 1: the language versus like here Amy, you need to go
Speaker 1: like think you that you're five years old and your
Speaker 1: grandpa smells weird, or you're like, oh, I have to
Speaker 1: go do this, and I have to go do this,
Speaker 1: and then my uncle and then you know, like you think,
Speaker 1: so you change the languag just slightly, just so. And
Speaker 1: it comes down to especially if they bring a gift
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, give him a hug, give me a kiss.
Speaker 1: They gave you a gift. No, it's say thank you,
Speaker 1: give him a high five, say thank you. But it's not.
Speaker 1: You're never forced them to be like you have to
Speaker 1: hug them because they gave you something. To kiss them,
Speaker 1: they gave you something exactly. Yeah, yeah, you let you
Speaker 1: let them make the decision if they're comfortable with physical
Speaker 1: contact or not. And then I think that is laced
Speaker 1: into the fabric and DNA of that individual as they
Speaker 1: get older and into situations that are like sexual situations.
Speaker 1: But that that's what she had mentioned. I'm really and
Speaker 1: it's changed the way, like I hope to parent one day.
Speaker 1: You guys are both dads, but like I'll never reading that.
Speaker 1: I'll never be like, Okay, go hug this person, go
Speaker 1: hug that. Who am I to control their body? And
Speaker 1: what they're right into talking about talking to your kids
Speaker 1: about sex. Okay, let's get into that. We gotta take
Speaker 1: quick break. Let's get into kids talking to your kids
Speaker 1: about sex. Rick's looking at me like I got three
Speaker 1: heads here. We gotta go. Okay, we'll be right back. Okay,
Speaker 1: kids in sex. This is this I want to defer
Speaker 1: to you guys. I I am really curious how you
Speaker 1: guys handle talking to your kids about sex. Um, I know, Rick,
Speaker 1: your kids are a little bit older, right, yes, so
Speaker 1: are they entering? And can you give me the age
Speaker 1: of your kids? And eleven? Thirteen eleven? And to meet you?
Speaker 1: What's your oldest So you're you're not there yet, but
Speaker 1: I mean you're thinking. They did have a situation. Not Thanksgiving,
Speaker 1: we were watching a movie and, um, you know my
Speaker 1: nieces and nephews with their stuff. We're watching Jumanji and
Speaker 1: at one point there was a an erection joke. You know,
Speaker 1: it's very subtle and you know, and they laugh because
Speaker 1: they're older. And my one kid turning to me and goes,
Speaker 1: what's that joke mean? And I was like, how did
Speaker 1: you handle it? I was kind of like, it's just
Speaker 1: there's it's a there's a joke about um, when someone's
Speaker 1: attracted to somebody and how it feels to them. So
Speaker 1: it happen to be the character. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you saw jaman is the character where the girl is
Speaker 1: in a boy's body. So she didn't realize what that
Speaker 1: was like it first, So I said, so it's about
Speaker 1: how a guy feels when he when he finds someone attractive.
Speaker 1: And I kind of looked it at that and I'm actually, yeah,
Speaker 1: that was pretty good. Yeah, totally. I have my experiences.
Speaker 1: You know, it's I'm in a it can be a
Speaker 1: little challenging. I mean, I don't have all the answers
Speaker 1: to be honest Brooks, you know, and I think there's
Speaker 1: been situations where they come up and, um, you know,
Speaker 1: like my son, for example, the other day, we were
Speaker 1: getting ice cream after a basketball game and you know,
Speaker 1: just kind of hanging out. It was evening, We're waiting
Speaker 1: for an uber to go home, and he's like, how
Speaker 1: many times have you had sex with mom? Your your
Speaker 1: son just said that out of the and he's like, um,
Speaker 1: I'm like, well, what flavor did you get? You know,
Speaker 1: did you tell Hi about the hold out game? You know?
Speaker 1: Then he asked, you know, I was like a follow
Speaker 1: up question like did you only have sex when you
Speaker 1: had you know, my sister? And I like twice, yeah,
Speaker 1: So did you answer the first one or did he
Speaker 1: go right to you kind of immediately win in the
Speaker 1: second one? And then and then it was like do
Speaker 1: you And so I'm still kind of trying to figure
Speaker 1: out how to answer this right. I mean, it's it's
Speaker 1: like you're kind of put on the spot and there
Speaker 1: you're trying to figure out also kind of the read
Speaker 1: and where he's going with it, and you know, and
Speaker 1: he's laughing and it's kind of funny and ball and
Speaker 1: then it's afterwards. The third follow up question was basically
Speaker 1: like have you had sex with mom since we were born?
Speaker 1: And so a lot of it was like, yes, definitely,
Speaker 1: you know, you know, and then it's like giggling and
Speaker 1: giggling and giggling, and it was what was he doing
Speaker 1: while you were giggling? He was eating his ice cream?
Speaker 1: But I don't know what my point is to be
Speaker 1: honest with your books, but my but part of it
Speaker 1: is they're reaching out to me us at that point
Speaker 1: in time, you know, like Dmitri's example, and a lot
Speaker 1: of times it's it's just allowing that you don't have
Speaker 1: to always come back with an answer or a solution
Speaker 1: or the right you know result. It's it's more of
Speaker 1: like the having that open dialogue, that conversation. You don't
Speaker 1: have to have all the answers and you don't have
Speaker 1: to do it the best way but don't shut that down.
Speaker 1: Don't shut that communication down because then they're gonna start
Speaker 1: asking other people. So this was very fascinating. At jingle
Speaker 1: ball the other night, we spoke to a fourteen year
Speaker 1: old and talk. I asked for this show. I said,
Speaker 1: what are you learning in school? And she said, Rick
Speaker 1: was there? Oh, we learned the fourteen points to putting
Speaker 1: on a condom. And she went through all fourteen points
Speaker 1: with me, which I do have in some notes, and
Speaker 1: there were oh no, I think it was eleven points.
Speaker 1: There were eleven points. Actually, it's very interesting. If you
Speaker 1: guys keep talking, I'll pull it up. Daniel. I was
Speaker 1: never taught to sound school. I learned about condoms in
Speaker 1: school in seventh grade. But it's kind of like four.
Speaker 1: I mean that sounds like a lot. Is it like
Speaker 1: throw out? Throwout the Rappers? So it's not left on
Speaker 1: the floor? Is that alright? So I took notes while
Speaker 1: she was saying it. It's eleven steps and this is
Speaker 1: what the teacher taught them in school. Number one, check
Speaker 1: the expiration date, to pinch the package to make sure
Speaker 1: there's air. Number Three, softly take it out, not with
Speaker 1: your teeth or scissors. Once you take it out, pinch
Speaker 1: the tip. We're talking about the condom just so, Yeah,
Speaker 1: you slowly put it on and roll it down all
Speaker 1: the way. Next, have your fun. Next, eject the penis.
Speaker 1: Then carefully hold the condom so it doesn't come off.
Speaker 1: And she said, the teacher said, because that would be
Speaker 1: very disappointing, meaning like you did all this work and
Speaker 1: then you failed. Next, separate your bodies, carefully, tie the
Speaker 1: condom in a knot throw it away, do not flush it.
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know about this super detailed.
Speaker 1: That was in school. So I've never in my life
Speaker 1: and even in school, had any sex training or anything
Speaker 1: to even do in that ballpark. I never had any
Speaker 1: discussions about it. My parents never talked to me about it,
Speaker 1: like and that's why at thirty six now I'm really
Speaker 1: starting to dive into like sexuality and even discovering like
Speaker 1: I do. I was never taught how to put a condom,
Speaker 1: so I found that to be shocking. The one thing
Speaker 1: that I do know they teach, and I'd love for
Speaker 1: people to reach out to us what they think about
Speaker 1: this consent. So they are now teaching in major ways
Speaker 1: consent is sexy. Not only do you have to consent,
Speaker 1: they said. The girl told me, you have to enthusiastically consent,
Speaker 1: so both parties should shout out I want this, this
Speaker 1: is what I want. Enthusiastic yes, so that every party
Speaker 1: agrees to it. I think you shout that out afterwards,
Speaker 1: don't you? During? But I don't. I am loving this
Speaker 1: when I think about this, just the fact that this
Speaker 1: is in school. When I think about this, I think
Speaker 1: about college, and I think about how amazing this is
Speaker 1: that there's some sort of education and training for kids
Speaker 1: right is they're entering this stage of life where they're
Speaker 1: starting to explore sex, that they have some sort of framework,
Speaker 1: idea or guidance, entering into a very vulnerable and and
Speaker 1: can be life changing stage of life before they get
Speaker 1: to college, where now you're just turned loose. You don't
Speaker 1: have parents around you, You're surrounded by influences of friends,
Speaker 1: which can be good or bad or even worse. You're
Speaker 1: in environments where you may be added in substance like
Speaker 1: alcohol or something else. And then you hear all the
Speaker 1: time about these stories about campuses and what happens all
Speaker 1: the time. I think it's I think it's it shows
Speaker 1: that the evolution of of us beings, like of how
Speaker 1: we are and the education of that and how just
Speaker 1: like you're saying, when you're like that, you brush your
Speaker 1: kid up to go and give your uncle a hug.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like you have to say it the
Speaker 1: right way. And that goes on to like educating them
Speaker 1: into another level. Whereas I think if the kids have
Speaker 1: this type of education at that age, I think it's excellent.
Speaker 1: I mean, is the eleventh step process does. It seemed
Speaker 1: a little overbearing totally, but I think it's excellent. It
Speaker 1: seemed a little overbearing in seven So in seventh grade
Speaker 1: we were told about condoms, and I remember Mr Ed,
Speaker 1: the health teacher, was like he talked about he had
Speaker 1: a little speech thing, so he was like, if you're
Speaker 1: gonna be with somebody sexually, you need to have and
Speaker 1: he had a little speech thing, so he said condom.
Speaker 1: But the way he said it sounded like condo. So
Speaker 1: for like a week I thought you had to like
Speaker 1: buy a condo before you had sex with people. I
Speaker 1: was like, it seems really expensive. But I wasn't thinking
Speaker 1: about sex and seventh grade anyway, But so they touched
Speaker 1: on it back when we were young, when when Rick
Speaker 1: and I were young, which was a long time ago.
Speaker 1: But I think that's that list that sounds a little extensive.
Speaker 1: But I'm not going to complain about too much information.
Speaker 1: I don't want the kids doing it wrong and putting
Speaker 1: their health or having pregnancy risks. It. Really wants to
Speaker 1: make sure they're doing it right. I don't never complain
Speaker 1: about over educating. Yeah, that's that's what my next point is.
Speaker 1: I would rather even for me, but if I had
Speaker 1: a kid, have them have more information so that and like,
Speaker 1: I doubt that both partners are going to say I
Speaker 1: want this and any other one I know, but they're
Speaker 1: educating them to consent. Really that so they can figure
Speaker 1: out how they wish to consent. But they've over educated
Speaker 1: and then I think, I think it's like that, listen,
Speaker 1: shoot for this, shoot for yes, but we we are
Speaker 1: yelling yes, just so you know in your mind you've
Speaker 1: got to hear some version of that. I agree complete.
Speaker 1: Dr Coles is going to be here in a second
Speaker 1: and she can explain this to us. But I think
Speaker 1: it's no means no, and saying nothing means no. Like
Speaker 1: the only thing that means yes is you have to
Speaker 1: actually say yes, put your I think the other thing
Speaker 1: if they get if they get it half or they
Speaker 1: get the most important steps in those those eleven yes,
Speaker 1: that's fine. It's like coaching, Like you're telling your kids
Speaker 1: or your your teammate to go do five different things
Speaker 1: if they get three of those, right, cool, we're in business. Yeah.
Speaker 1: And you know, and by the way, I'm saying this
Speaker 1: as a forty six year old guy, I'm saying it
Speaker 1: sounds a bit much. But you know what, when you're
Speaker 1: a kid and you don't know any of this, you
Speaker 1: have no experience, and you're probably a little afraid to
Speaker 1: ask questions. So I kind of take that back. It's
Speaker 1: telling me the eleven steps to putting on the condom.
Speaker 1: I said. They don't exactly encourage you in school not
Speaker 1: to do it. It seems like they want you to
Speaker 1: be safe. I don't think they're doing either. But I said,
Speaker 1: I don't want you having sex till you're like twenty fourteen.
Speaker 1: Seemed yeah, I don't. But I think people have learned
Speaker 1: that you can't just teach abstinence and expect kids to
Speaker 1: go but because it doesn't happen, so you have to
Speaker 1: educate them for if they are going to go ahead
Speaker 1: and do it. Then I think they have to do
Speaker 1: it the right way and be safe. I had a
Speaker 1: friend of a friend of a friend's son tell me that, Um,
Speaker 1: they were eating dinner one night and basically everyone was
Speaker 1: at the table and it was like two of his
Speaker 1: buddies and the dad or something like that, and they
Speaker 1: were talking about um, like sports and practice schedules and
Speaker 1: what nights they had it and what that they what
Speaker 1: nights they did not. And this guy was like, on
Speaker 1: Friday nights. And I don't think anything he had to
Speaker 1: do with a Friday night, but he didn't have practice
Speaker 1: on a Friday night. And at the that moment, he
Speaker 1: was at the table and started like thrusting his hips
Speaker 1: with the kid. The kid and was saying, I'm getting
Speaker 1: some pub how old thirteen and a half. But to
Speaker 1: your point, you're showing, you're showing off to your friends,
Speaker 1: You're showing, you know and totally inappropriate. But that's going
Speaker 1: through these kids much about having being fourteen, about learning
Speaker 1: how to put on a condom. They need to know
Speaker 1: that now. And what did the dad say when the
Speaker 1: kid did that? Like that is inappropriate? I mean, come on,
Speaker 1: it's like you're at a restaurant or regardless. It's it's
Speaker 1: back to the porn thing, regardless off you're in a
Speaker 1: restaurant or not. That's not the way you should be.
Speaker 1: A kid should be looking at what he's going to
Speaker 1: have with a girl. I would not want to have teenagers.
Speaker 1: By the way, can we just real quick. I love
Speaker 1: the the image of a fourteen year old saying this
Speaker 1: is the steps of putting on a condom, and Amy
Speaker 1: going hold on, let me write this stuf. I actually
Speaker 1: asked her if she could come today, which she might
Speaker 1: she might later. Okay, back from break is Brooks again,
Speaker 1: and this is the sex episode. We've covered many topics now,
Speaker 1: but now those have just been our opinions. Now we
Speaker 1: have an actual expert in studio with us. I want
Speaker 1: to welcome to the show her first podcast appearance. Dr
Speaker 1: Viviana Coles. You welcome to the show, and kudos to you.
Speaker 1: Flew all the way from Houston to right. Of course,
Speaker 1: this is super special. I've never done anything like it,
Speaker 1: and you'll have some thing really cool going on, and
Speaker 1: I wanted to be a part of it. So the
Speaker 1: whole conversation has been about sex today and I want
Speaker 1: to give our listeners. A little background of you. So
Speaker 1: you're a doctor of Marriage and Family therapy, certified sex therapist,
Speaker 1: and an expert on Married at First Sight on Lifetime.
Speaker 1: So you TV but never been on podcasts. Right. So
Speaker 1: when I'm when I'm not in l A doing things
Speaker 1: like this, Um, I have a private practice as a
Speaker 1: license marriage and family therapist, and so every day, all day,
Speaker 1: I'm working with couples and individuals who are experiencing emotional
Speaker 1: and physical intimacy issues. So this is like what I
Speaker 1: do since two thousand three, Like, this is what I
Speaker 1: do every day. I love it. Well, you have come
Speaker 1: to the right spot. Yeah, I don't mean because must
Speaker 1: because we're talking about it. So you are the president,
Speaker 1: president and lead psychotherapist at Houston Relationship Therapy. You're also
Speaker 1: the president lead instructor at Texas Sex Therapy Institute, a
Speaker 1: sex therapy certification program for mental health professionals. You hold
Speaker 1: a bachelor's degree in psychology and master's a doctoral degree
Speaker 1: in marriage and family therapy. Be Um, I could go
Speaker 1: on and on. This resident act is just an embarrassing
Speaker 1: that we've been talking about everything and we have none
Speaker 1: of that. Yes, I have my grade twelve public education. Well,
Speaker 1: you have every own experiences and of course, like most
Speaker 1: of the time, I'm talking about things from a professional standpoint,
Speaker 1: I learned so much from the work that I do
Speaker 1: with my clients. I've also been married for over twelve
Speaker 1: and a half years. We have two kids, they're eight
Speaker 1: and eleven. So even that kind of creates experience that
Speaker 1: we can share with others. Beautiful. So one, I just
Speaker 1: want to say, I appreciate you coming and our listeners
Speaker 1: are definitely going to appreciate what you have to say.
Speaker 1: So the next topic that we want to get into
Speaker 1: and we'd love to get your insight on, is stagnant
Speaker 1: sex slash keeping things spicy. Yes, So it's been a
Speaker 1: massive topic of discussion amongst our community. We've got many
Speaker 1: emails and people have reached that out to us about it. Um.
Speaker 1: One of the biggest things that we've received from from
Speaker 1: the women in our community is they say, is it
Speaker 1: bad that I don't crave sex with my husband? Well,
Speaker 1: it depends ends are they craving it with someone else? Wow?
Speaker 1: Great question, I would let's say no, let's just go
Speaker 1: off the no they don't. Yeah, let's let's say so,
Speaker 1: I don't want to speak exactly for them, but based
Speaker 1: off the information that I have right now, let's say
Speaker 1: they do not crave it with somebody, but they're not
Speaker 1: craving it with their husband. So craving sex for women
Speaker 1: is not the same animal as how men crave sex.
Speaker 1: It's not necessarily some sort of disorder, but it does
Speaker 1: mean that there's low sexual desire happening in general. Most
Speaker 1: women aren't saying, Wow, you know, I haven't slept with
Speaker 1: my husband in a month, but I have masturbated thirty times,
Speaker 1: Like that's not happening. Overall, women tend to prioritize sex
Speaker 1: and sexuality less than men do. And so if we're
Speaker 1: talking about it in terms of I don't crave sex
Speaker 1: with my husband, it's not that they don't love them.
Speaker 1: It's not that they don't care about them, and it's
Speaker 1: not even that they're oblivious to it. They just don't
Speaker 1: prioritize sexuality in general. And that is something that plagues
Speaker 1: most women, especially women who are running households, who have kids,
Speaker 1: and they have to have everything checked off their list
Speaker 1: before they even begin to think about the bedroom. Is
Speaker 1: that bad? Should they make it higher up on the
Speaker 1: list if they want to stay married in a satisfying
Speaker 1: relationship with a husband. Yes, absolutely, so how would they
Speaker 1: go about doing that? So the number one thing that
Speaker 1: I asked my women to do is to begin thinking
Speaker 1: about sexuality more often. I know it sounds super silly,
Speaker 1: but women don't think about it. I don't think it
Speaker 1: sounds silly at all. We just don't tend to think
Speaker 1: about sex nearly as often or as in depth as
Speaker 1: men do. And you know, I'm looking at all of
Speaker 1: you guys, and I don't know if this is the
Speaker 1: case for you, But most of the time men will
Speaker 1: entertain sexual thoughts. They won't just shoot them aside. She's
Speaker 1: the best side, she's inside. I mean, sometimes they'll think
Speaker 1: about their grandma or baseball just to get it out.
Speaker 1: But but for the most time, for the most they're
Speaker 1: they're really just so we're clear, that's a separate topic.
Speaker 1: It's not sex with the grandma. So you want to
Speaker 1: get the thoughts out of your head. You have strategies
Speaker 1: to do that because maybe it's inappropriate, or maybe you
Speaker 1: don't want to have like an interaction or something randomly.
Speaker 1: But women will do that all the time, and they
Speaker 1: have to have like gates up that they then have
Speaker 1: to open in order to let those thoughts in, and
Speaker 1: all of that tends to just not happen on a
Speaker 1: regular basis. So what I asked them to do is
Speaker 1: start to fantasize, start to allow those thoughts to happen.
Speaker 1: If they're wanting to initiate sex on a Friday, they
Speaker 1: need to be thinking about it starting Monday, which sounds
Speaker 1: like a lot of work. It does. And there's a
Speaker 1: lot of physical stuff that happens to you know, most
Speaker 1: of us want to be very clean. We want to
Speaker 1: feel shaved, we want to have that tan, we want
Speaker 1: to make sure our you know, our mouths are clean.
Speaker 1: Men don't tend to care about that as much. I
Speaker 1: mean they appreciate a good smell than Rick. Yeah, he's
Speaker 1: very into smells. And but man, because of els testosterone
Speaker 1: levels that are so high in the morning, you would
Speaker 1: forego brushing teeth if you really had to, if that's
Speaker 1: what it meant to get sex to happen. So with women, no,
Speaker 1: like most women will say I need to get out
Speaker 1: of bed, I need to maybe even take a shower,
Speaker 1: like they don't feel comfortable. Um, it's actually I feel
Speaker 1: like that, Like I love that, and I don't think
Speaker 1: it's just a general or a gender thing like I
Speaker 1: feel like that. Um. I love that you've mentioned the
Speaker 1: word sexuality a couple of times versus just sex, and
Speaker 1: we've been talking about it on this episode. Is that
Speaker 1: in my life right now, I'm sort of on a
Speaker 1: journey to study sex, what my sexuality is, and the
Speaker 1: sexuality of my wife, not just the act of sex.
Speaker 1: And before, like a month ago, I looked at sex
Speaker 1: is just like a thing you just have sex, versus like,
Speaker 1: sexuality is who I am as a as a sexual being.
Speaker 1: Creation is the is the birth of all life, like
Speaker 1: sexual energy is the birth of all life. And it's
Speaker 1: something that typically a lot of us don't consider the
Speaker 1: fact that sexuality happens outside of these sexual acts. How
Speaker 1: you feel about someone, whether or not you're picking a
Speaker 1: fight that day, whether or not you're eating spaghetti for lunch,
Speaker 1: and you know you're going to have you know, acid
Speaker 1: reflex that night, Like all those choices are part of
Speaker 1: sexuality and are a part of being open and receptive
Speaker 1: to sexual experiences. Because everybody's talking about spontaneous sex like
Speaker 1: it is amazing, nobody has time for that, it does
Speaker 1: matter how the weather is, how the stock market's going.
Speaker 1: I mean, all of that matter. How do you feel
Speaker 1: about couples that schedule sex. I am a huge fan
Speaker 1: of scheduling sex. I love it. I think everyone should
Speaker 1: do it because if that's the only way it's going
Speaker 1: to happen, it's worth it that nobody says, gosh, I
Speaker 1: wish we hadn't scheduled that after the fact. It's it's
Speaker 1: funny what you said. Yeah, it's funny what you said
Speaker 1: about spontaneous sex, because I have we have some friends
Speaker 1: and there are a couple and they they've mentioned that
Speaker 1: sometimes they'll go to restaurants like outdoor cafe and stuff,
Speaker 1: and they'll duck into the bathroom and do it. And
Speaker 1: I'm like and they're like, oh yeah, it's it was great,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, God, like a public restaurant, I'd be
Speaker 1: thinking about tetnas shot like, there's no way, I don't know.
Speaker 1: What about the car? Then? The car in my books
Speaker 1: I was reading it encourages you like to try it
Speaker 1: out of the normal location to spice it up. So
Speaker 1: what about the car? So I get to spice it up? Thing?
Speaker 1: But but this what I'm saying is sometimes especially we
Speaker 1: were talking earlier about porn or movies and stuff. These
Speaker 1: things seem so glamorous, but sometimes spontaneous sex maybe isn't,
Speaker 1: like I mean, people that have done it in an
Speaker 1: airplane bathroom. To me, that's just I don't even want
Speaker 1: to go. I just think that sometimes people think, oh,
Speaker 1: if you know these exotic locations, it doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be exotic. It can just the kitchen. It can be
Speaker 1: the kitchen, it doesn't have to be something that is
Speaker 1: I'm just not a huge fan of people having sex
Speaker 1: under the possibility of getting arrested, Like that's kind of
Speaker 1: not fun, you know, So I'm not going to encourage that.
Speaker 1: But if you have, you know, a backyard patio and
Speaker 1: it's fens store, if you want to go into your
Speaker 1: own restroom, like, all of that I think changes things up.
Speaker 1: And the truth is, if you're gonna be in a
Speaker 1: long term, committed marriage and you want healthy sexuality, you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to get kind of creative with it. And
Speaker 1: that could mean before you go into the holiday party,
Speaker 1: you make out in the car. You're not necessarily whipping
Speaker 1: anything out a super hot like a dirty text, even
Speaker 1: when you're in the same party like the text, even
Speaker 1: if you're ten feet away from like, here's my boobs.
Speaker 1: You know that's my specialty. But I also think spontaneity
Speaker 1: doesn't have to just be local asia. It could be timing,
Speaker 1: it could be there's many other different things that can
Speaker 1: be spontaneous than just a location. Well, and for all
Speaker 1: of us, I think, whoever has ever made out with
Speaker 1: someone prior to engaging in sexual intercourse with that person,
Speaker 1: you know how hot that is? Like making out before
Speaker 1: you cross the line to sexual intercourse is so exciting
Speaker 1: for so long, but nobody does it anymore. And then
Speaker 1: I ask women totally, they're not into it's a teenager.
Speaker 1: They're skipping all the steps. It's we were talking about
Speaker 1: teaching your kids about sex, and for some reason, I
Speaker 1: find teens or even college kids are going from make
Speaker 1: out to sex. It's like what happened to all the
Speaker 1: like laying down, kissing, touching privates Like I like some money,
Speaker 1: and I'm probably not gonna have sex with him for
Speaker 1: months because I want to drag it out, like I'll
Speaker 1: do all kinds of weird stuff, but not that. Well,
Speaker 1: just the tip to you guys, just the tip, a tip,
Speaker 1: not just that there are so many pens in this room.
Speaker 1: I'm like, my head is spinning. But this is the thing,
Speaker 1: just a tip for you guys, the makeout session. You
Speaker 1: have to do it and with no option to do
Speaker 1: anything further. If you initiate a makeout session and you
Speaker 1: tell your wife, hey, we're not doing anything else because
Speaker 1: I have to be out of it here, or I
Speaker 1: have to be in the office, or I have a meeting,
Speaker 1: or I have or whatever, and you mean it. That
Speaker 1: will get you so far. She will make out with
Speaker 1: you forever if that's the case. But it's it's when
Speaker 1: she thinks, and this is unfortunately what happens to a
Speaker 1: lot of couples. It's when she thinks that even just
Speaker 1: a nice little three second kiss is always going to
Speaker 1: turn into the pressure of having intercourse that she's like, okay,
Speaker 1: well then I can't even do that, and he's only
Speaker 1: kissing me because he wants to have right, how about
Speaker 1: this for you were talking about the party and stuff
Speaker 1: like this. This happened to a friend of mine. He
Speaker 1: was at a holiday party one time and he was
Speaker 1: there with his um, his girlfriend, and she went to
Speaker 1: the restroom, I guess came out and she goes, can
Speaker 1: you hold this for me? And she just slipped something
Speaker 1: in his pocket and it was her panties. Oh, and
Speaker 1: so that was her message, like it's going to happen later.
Speaker 1: It was kind of like, I guess it was before
Speaker 1: before they married. These a couple. There were a couple.
Speaker 1: They were, they were a couple, but it was before
Speaker 1: I guess it was before the text. So it was
Speaker 1: kind of the way of saying, hey, we're both here.
Speaker 1: I'm sending you a little message that this is a
Speaker 1: I really like that because as a guy, I'm thinking
Speaker 1: I want that now, and I'm in a room full
Speaker 1: of crowded people, and I need to figure out a
Speaker 1: way to try and make that happen. Remember that scene
Speaker 1: in fifty Shades. There's sort of an erotic scene in
Speaker 1: fifty Shades of Gray where, if I'm remembering it right,
Speaker 1: he makes her like take her underwear off and handed
Speaker 1: to him under the dinner table or something that's right
Speaker 1: and the room and if you want to take it
Speaker 1: to the next level, you put them on. He went
Speaker 1: back and then stuffed his boxer shorts in her purse.
Speaker 1: It's not not what he was supposed to do. I
Speaker 1: wouldn't want to put him in my pocket because I
Speaker 1: feel like my keys were dirty up the underwear you like?
Speaker 1: I understand what he's saying. Wait, what do you all like?
Speaker 1: Did you have a backup pair? What do you wear?
Speaker 1: I'd love for everyone in the room to chime in
Speaker 1: on this, including producer Tory and producer Danielle. What do
Speaker 1: you think of sexting, sexting and FaceTime sex? Okay, so
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say I think that sexting has to be something.
Speaker 1: You can't send pictures these days. You cannot send pictures
Speaker 1: no face unless unless you don't mind someone else seeing it,
Speaker 1: and unless you don't mind a hundred people seeing it
Speaker 1: and no facily your parents seeing it. Then you can't
Speaker 1: ideal now something you can do it in a tasteful way.
Speaker 1: You can do it in a hey, this is a
Speaker 1: little glimpse. But if you're just going to put it
Speaker 1: all out there, as if you're like getting a plastic
Speaker 1: surgery console, it's it's probably not a good idea. So
Speaker 1: it's probably say that because of safety with it, not
Speaker 1: that it's not a good idea for like your relationship
Speaker 1: or arouse. What is also be subtle about it, which
Speaker 1: actually goes back to Dmitri stories that causes more arousal.
Speaker 1: Put it there were it in there, like throw it
Speaker 1: out there a little bit. But what if it's somebody
Speaker 1: you're already sleeping with. Well, I'm not saying this is
Speaker 1: in the beginnings three second kiss. Yeah, it's it's the
Speaker 1: subtlety is for a man's brain, subtlety. It's it's kind
Speaker 1: of this idea of, oh, let me let my imagination
Speaker 1: take it further versus putting it all out there. You know,
Speaker 1: there's a that's why for some minute it's really gross
Speaker 1: to see full nude strippers versus someone who's maybe got
Speaker 1: some lingerie on or something. There's I'm actually that's what
Speaker 1: I said before I said I don't like porn. I
Speaker 1: like movies with like, you know, scenes that kind of
Speaker 1: lead up to that, because it's the same reason. I
Speaker 1: think it's there's something to the imagination rather than just
Speaker 1: seeing it. Yeah, there's something psychologics. What do we all
Speaker 1: think about sexting? Like no photos, I'm saying, but like
Speaker 1: dirty texting like your boyfriends on a trip and you're like, absolutely,
Speaker 1: I think it's super hot. I think that if it
Speaker 1: now the other thing is it can't just be something
Speaker 1: that you're like, you initiate it and then they don't
Speaker 1: respond and you're like, I'll never do it again. Like
Speaker 1: there has to be a kind of a a safe
Speaker 1: place or also knowing maybe they're at work and they
Speaker 1: can't respond. But a lot of things, this is this
Speaker 1: is another thing women do. This is we've got some issues. Right.
Speaker 1: I love another thing that women do. We will take
Speaker 1: every little tidbit and then extrapolate it to forever. Oh
Speaker 1: he told me he didn't like that, so I never
Speaker 1: did it with anyone ever again. And men do the
Speaker 1: same thing. Oh, well, she told me she didn't like that,
Speaker 1: so I never brought up, you know, doing anything ever again.
Speaker 1: There is we're so sensitive when it comes to that.
Speaker 1: We're supposed to listen to each other's needs, were supposed
Speaker 1: to communicate openly, but we think. I literally have had
Speaker 1: people say, oh, my partner told me he didn't like
Speaker 1: four play before, so twenty years later, we never do
Speaker 1: before play and I've been longing for it my whole life.
Speaker 1: This happens. We were so sensitive to sexual stuff that
Speaker 1: we just want to do whatever, And and sometimes people
Speaker 1: say something in the moment, and it's not like, oh
Speaker 1: I don't like four play or whatever. But it doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that that's like a staple, like don't ever do
Speaker 1: four play? It just means right now, So how do
Speaker 1: we break it down? So I'll be willing to give
Speaker 1: an example. So I like someone like a little he's
Speaker 1: totally listening a lotta and see us to bed like
Speaker 1: nine or ten. But I don't go to bed till
Speaker 1: one or two, so he a lot. He'll say, okay,
Speaker 1: send me a picture as i'm you know, after I'm asleep,
Speaker 1: so when I wake up in the morning, it's there.
Speaker 1: So it's like a little game, which I'm totally I'm
Speaker 1: totally good with it. One time he didn't text back.
Speaker 1: I cried and then I actually said to him, don't
Speaker 1: do that. Like so we communicated about it. So is
Speaker 1: that kind of the way to go? Of course, you
Speaker 1: should always communicate what it is that you're thinking. But
Speaker 1: at the same time, if I went down the rabbit hole,
Speaker 1: wasn't a bad picture? Does he hate it? Oh my god,
Speaker 1: he doesn't like me. This is terrible, Oh god, which
Speaker 1: is not at all what he was thinking. By the way,
Speaker 1: there's maybe he liked it so much that he ran
Speaker 1: into the shower or maybe show less, and then he'll
Speaker 1: come back and be like, hey, how about show me
Speaker 1: a little bit more? You are a picky you are
Speaker 1: He's he's the Simon Cowell of sex. I think he's
Speaker 1: more tap tapped into the sensual part of that is.
Speaker 1: So I will say that about we've done love languages
Speaker 1: and his erotic blueprint, and he's super sensual. Remember ms
Speaker 1: Jaya said, Oh, Rick, I like how sentual you are?
Speaker 1: He like smells and I don't remember that. Of course
Speaker 1: I do. Sensuality is something that we don't tap into
Speaker 1: as much as we should, especially people who want to
Speaker 1: be in long term relations and chips. We have to
Speaker 1: use every tool that we have, or else things get
Speaker 1: stagnant and stale, and people either divorce or they betray
Speaker 1: each other. And I think there's a big misconception that
Speaker 1: men aren't sensual. I think there's a huge misconception that
Speaker 1: men do not have or possess sensual energy. And for sure,
Speaker 1: I think you're I think you're right, and like, think
Speaker 1: of it, you think of a guy, even the porn
Speaker 1: conversation we had, or do you think of like guys
Speaker 1: just watch sexual porn like there needs to be in
Speaker 1: a course, go at it right now. Not every man
Speaker 1: or woman thinks of sex that way. I know that
Speaker 1: I'm actually a very sensual person. The lighting uh scent
Speaker 1: music order on Rick and Brooks is I don't know
Speaker 1: how to say systems rives because they it feels like
Speaker 1: they have to put in a little extra work because
Speaker 1: their husbands are so sensual. It's not as easy as
Speaker 1: it is for me to just be like, here's my
Speaker 1: boobs and he's in. But it's not. But it's not
Speaker 1: all the time. It's it's Rick possessors and I possess
Speaker 1: sensual energy. But it doesn't mean that that's the only
Speaker 1: way that. It doesn't mean that this is the only
Speaker 1: way we'll get to having sex. It's just that. And
Speaker 1: I believe Dmitri does too. I believe that you do, Aimy,
Speaker 1: even though you say you're more quote unquote sexual, like
Speaker 1: let's just get to it right now. I'm not like that.
Speaker 1: But I will say, here's my boobs, like I love
Speaker 1: I love the voices you do it. Here's my boobs.
Speaker 1: I'm not sending them. I've only sent them to five
Speaker 1: people ever. Can tell I'm alarmed. I'm like, please, don't
Speaker 1: have the world. You don't want them to the worst
Speaker 1: part is she has her name tattoo renternate them, so
Speaker 1: even no face, you know who it is. There's no face.
Speaker 1: And I've only sent them to five people. I'm forty five.
Speaker 1: That's not very many. I'm very careful with it and
Speaker 1: I'm not on the cloud. I do think you should
Speaker 1: add an audiophile that just says here's my boobs. Okay, Um,
Speaker 1: I have a question for you, Dr Viviana, Um, how
Speaker 1: do you use this is from our listeners? How do
Speaker 1: you say, because you just touched on a prior how
Speaker 1: do you say you're not getting what you need without
Speaker 1: hurting the man's pride and manhood. So you can't talk
Speaker 1: about things in terms of what you don't want, talk
Speaker 1: about things in terms of what you do want. Nobody
Speaker 1: wants to hear complaints, but they will absolutely want to
Speaker 1: hear additions. They want to hear enhancements, improvements. So depending
Speaker 1: on what it is, let's say it's a woman wants
Speaker 1: more massages just in general, like for her, that is amazing.
Speaker 1: She's not gonna say and you let me know if
Speaker 1: this is what it's like you never massage me so
Speaker 1: and those husband always massage. I mean, like, how do
Speaker 1: you expect me to get in the mood you don't
Speaker 1: you don't do that. That is not going to work.
Speaker 1: I'm actually turned off right now. Something more along the
Speaker 1: lines of, you know, it would be really hot if
Speaker 1: the next time you see me on the couch you
Speaker 1: bring me a glass of wine and you offer to
Speaker 1: rug my feet. That would be really great. And it's
Speaker 1: all about tone, and it's all about the connection with
Speaker 1: the eyes as you're saying it, and suggestions offer something
Speaker 1: out of what they want or what you want, and
Speaker 1: actually specific, like I like that when my wife tells
Speaker 1: me something specific that she likes, and then I love
Speaker 1: how you said it in an affirm in an affirming
Speaker 1: way versus in a complaining way. Do you find more
Speaker 1: confident the man, the more easily they accept sort of direction,
Speaker 1: Like a man who's super confident and you're like, hey,
Speaker 1: touch me there, they are super down, but an insecure
Speaker 1: guy gets more weirded out by it. Okay, So insecure
Speaker 1: versus secure or confident, Because if there's a confident of
Speaker 1: sexually confident man and you give him any direction, it's
Speaker 1: possible that he's going to say, you know what about
Speaker 1: because I know I tend to be with people who
Speaker 1: are pretty secure and they're super fine with anything instruction.
Speaker 1: I think you can't go wrong if you do it
Speaker 1: in an affirming, nice direct way, tactful, honest, kind and generous.
Speaker 1: You can possibly go wrong if you come at it
Speaker 1: from like a god. I just wish you would do this.
Speaker 1: I would never. I would never. Yeah, I wish you
Speaker 1: would do this. And the other one that you said
Speaker 1: before was um, so and So's husband always massig like
Speaker 1: that's that's yeah, that's what this person that asks And sorry, Brooks,
Speaker 1: you can jump in here. I don't enjoy oral sex,
Speaker 1: but I know he does. How can we compromise? I
Speaker 1: hate that word. First off, I hate the word compromise.
Speaker 1: Tell us more compromise. I had a friend tell me
Speaker 1: this like this is like two weeks ago, and I
Speaker 1: was like, that is so compromisest resentment. So compromises fifty
Speaker 1: fifty resentment. I don't. I would want them to have
Speaker 1: an understanding of Okay, I don't enjoy oral sex, but
Speaker 1: he does. So how can how can he communicate in
Speaker 1: a way to her that it means so much to
Speaker 1: him and he enjoyed. Is it so much that she
Speaker 1: can find her own pleasure and her own sexuality in
Speaker 1: doing and participating in that act with him? I'm interestin
Speaker 1: knowing how are y'all interpreting this question? Because are y'all
Speaker 1: thinking that she doesn't want to do oral on him
Speaker 1: or that she doesn't want him to do oral? I
Speaker 1: was interpreting it her doing oral on him. I could
Speaker 1: be complete. I would interpret it that way to one
Speaker 1: because I would you assume that she would like that
Speaker 1: more and too, he's probably and there are guys that
Speaker 1: really like that, but he's probably not going to do
Speaker 1: it if she's not enjoying it. So I took it
Speaker 1: as her performing on him. As someone in private practice,
Speaker 1: I can tell you it's usually the opposite. Can you
Speaker 1: spell that out for me? I'm like confused. So most
Speaker 1: women will say that they don't want oral sex performed
Speaker 1: on that's so weird. They say that way more often
Speaker 1: than they don't want to perform oral sex. Is that
Speaker 1: because of their own insecurities? Or is it because the
Speaker 1: guy is just bad at it? Um Usually that it
Speaker 1: doesn't even get to that point. Worried about about that
Speaker 1: all they heard about how they taste, how they feel,
Speaker 1: how they smell, how they look. Especially with so much pornography,
Speaker 1: everyone has like a template of what, you know, the
Speaker 1: vola was supposed to look like so, and women are
Speaker 1: competing with that now. UM, So that's what I would
Speaker 1: if we're going to talk about it in terms of
Speaker 1: her not wanting to perform on him, I would say
Speaker 1: what is it about it? Because, and I promise I
Speaker 1: won't get too graphic. But what most women will say
Speaker 1: very consciously and directly that they don't want is that
Speaker 1: they want to avoid any sort of ejaculation in their mouths,
Speaker 1: but that they don't mind anything else about it. They
Speaker 1: actually really don't mind, but that they're concerned that if
Speaker 1: it's not from A to Z, that their partner won't
Speaker 1: want them to do it, and that's often not the case.
Speaker 1: This is a huge deal, And the next time you
Speaker 1: speak to someone who happens to say this, just say
Speaker 1: what is it specifically that you don't like? It's usually
Speaker 1: one or two things. One is that the other one
Speaker 1: is I don't like that, Um, I feel like like
Speaker 1: he feels like I owe it to him, or they
Speaker 1: feel inferior by being put in that position like it's
Speaker 1: too vulnerable, and that's a relational issue. And about oral sex,
Speaker 1: one of the things that men said was they don't
Speaker 1: want the woman because it's such a one way thing.
Speaker 1: They don't want the woman to feel obligated or like
Speaker 1: she's only serving him. And my response to that was,
Speaker 1: we want to do that, and not only that, we
Speaker 1: want you to want us to do it. So this
Speaker 1: is this is just further into all of the erotic blueprints. Seriously,
Speaker 1: this is everything that I'm reading that Jaya has put
Speaker 1: out there, watching that she's put out there, is all
Speaker 1: of this stuff. And that's why it doesn't need to
Speaker 1: be a compromise the rest of their life. If these
Speaker 1: two are married, she doesn't need to do something that
Speaker 1: she doesn't enjoy the rest of her life. How crappy
Speaker 1: of a life is that. Instead, as you said, Dr Bribana,
Speaker 1: is find a way. Let's talk about what you don't
Speaker 1: enjoy specifically in it, and then let's find a way
Speaker 1: what you what do you enjoy in it? Or what
Speaker 1: can I do to help you enjoy it? Like anything
Speaker 1: like that, so that actually, this is something that's part
Speaker 1: of our lives because you know what, if we want
Speaker 1: to be together, I want to be happy too. I
Speaker 1: need to get sexually what I want for us to
Speaker 1: be happy, for me to be happy, so that I
Speaker 1: can be happy with you and I want the same
Speaker 1: for you. So it's reciprocated. And typically there is a
Speaker 1: way to make any of these activities work for two people.
Speaker 1: There's there's so many different ways to do this. You
Speaker 1: can't just cut it all out, which is what happens.
Speaker 1: They'll just cut it all up. We don't do that.
Speaker 1: And in my office, I'm like, Okay, well we're going
Speaker 1: to figure out a way where you feel really good
Speaker 1: about the decision to not do it, or you feel
Speaker 1: really great about the decision to try something different. Right,
Speaker 1: it's not a menu that says no substitutions. It's like
Speaker 1: you can get what you want, you can just tweak.
Speaker 1: And also it comes back to what we always talk
Speaker 1: about communication. You have to really be willing to talk
Speaker 1: about it, right, And if you don't know what you're
Speaker 1: talking about, sometimes you just don't have that experience. You've
Speaker 1: only heard things, you've only seen things. Um, then you
Speaker 1: can get help. So there's a big one that I'll
Speaker 1: bring up. I'm just going to bring it up because
Speaker 1: this is what we're doing. A lot of couples do
Speaker 1: have a discussion and a difference of opinion on how
Speaker 1: do I say this? Just say tell me a a
Speaker 1: A word a word instead of mouth stuff the other
Speaker 1: end canal minus the c hold on a second, who
Speaker 1: has a pen anal sex? Yes, it seems like guys
Speaker 1: sometimes want that and the woman is like, no, how
Speaker 1: do you compromise on that? So again it's a why,
Speaker 1: what are the concerns? What are the fears? What is
Speaker 1: it that it means? What have you heard with anal sex?
Speaker 1: A lot of what helps couples to decide again one
Speaker 1: way or the other is educate Shan. There is there's
Speaker 1: so many good educational videos um that will help you
Speaker 1: to understand all the processes that it takes in order
Speaker 1: to make that happen in a comfortable and pleasurable way.
Speaker 1: You can do it and it won't feel good, or
Speaker 1: you can go through processes to help your body make
Speaker 1: it something more pleasurable. Not everybody is willing to do that,
Speaker 1: but most people don't even know what it takes to
Speaker 1: make that happen. Yeah, they just shut it down and
Speaker 1: said I you are amazing. There's so much more we'd
Speaker 1: love to talk with you about. Dr Viviano. I would
Speaker 1: love to have you join us again next week. Thank
Speaker 1: you for taking