1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:03,520 Speaker 1: This podcast has mature content and language that may not 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:10,240 Speaker 1: be appropriate for all audiences. Listener discretion is advised. Episode two, 3 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:18,480 Speaker 1: do you see Me? What are life's most celebratory moments? 4 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:24,079 Speaker 1: Maybe things like graduations or new jobs. They're a little 5 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:28,240 Speaker 1: different for me. I know that the things I celebrate 6 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:31,920 Speaker 1: really do make me happy, but I wonder if they'd 7 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,479 Speaker 1: mean the same thing if they happen to other people. 8 00:00:36,040 --> 00:00:38,840 Speaker 1: I wonder if there's another life where I could ask 9 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:44,000 Speaker 1: for more, for more to celebrate, or just for more. 10 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: The words that Jason told me after we broke up, 11 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,000 Speaker 1: you're just a fat training We're just echoing in my 12 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,960 Speaker 1: head for weeks. Who's never going to find anyone to 13 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:02,120 Speaker 1: love her? Love her? I felt so low. Yeah, I 14 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:06,680 Speaker 1: was grieving a relationship that it was a big part 15 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: of my life. It was my first relationship as a woman, 16 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:15,319 Speaker 1: and I felt I didn't want him back. That was clear. 17 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,840 Speaker 1: I didn't want to be in the relationship with Jason, 18 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: but I felt lonely, and so what happened next felt 19 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: like something major to celebrate. What was it? I'm Emmy 20 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:46,759 Speaker 1: and this is Crumbs my love story. It's a show 21 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,920 Speaker 1: about the things we settle for and the bits of 22 00:01:49,920 --> 00:02:04,880 Speaker 1: ourselves that make us who we are. Emmy mm hmm 23 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:13,480 Speaker 1: fun carrying Latina seeks a healthy relationship with a nice guy. 24 00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 1: It had only been a few weeks since I broke 25 00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: up with Jason, But even though I was carrying this hurt, 26 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:30,520 Speaker 1: I was also carrying something that was new to me, 27 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 1: even though I didn't realize I was doing it. I 28 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:37,799 Speaker 1: was carrying the confidence that I didn't have at the 29 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 1: beginning of my transition. Actually, I feel like I need 30 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: to tell you about this because it was a major 31 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:53,800 Speaker 1: milestone in my life. At the time, I was working 32 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,640 Speaker 1: for a T and T major phone company. I was 33 00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:00,799 Speaker 1: a customer service representative for the Hispanic Center and I 34 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:06,239 Speaker 1: sat talked in tiped all day taking incoming calls. All 35 00:03:06,280 --> 00:03:09,399 Speaker 1: of the calls were in Spanish. It was people who 36 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:14,519 Speaker 1: would have come from all over Hispanic countries, people from Mexico, 37 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 1: people from on Buddha's, from from Cuba, everywhere. So people 38 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 1: had questions about their phone bill. I wanted to establish 39 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,160 Speaker 1: news service or wanted to forward their service to a 40 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:31,400 Speaker 1: different location. I'm the person you would get and I 41 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 1: would say, why is my bill so high? Can you 42 00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:46,520 Speaker 1: explain the tax? And search arts. So I actually worked 43 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:49,360 Speaker 1: for the phone company for nine years. That was my 44 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 1: first job that I had right after high school. This 45 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 1: company saw me at my worst, right when I was drinking, 46 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:02,320 Speaker 1: when I was using drugs. After I got sober, I 47 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,320 Speaker 1: started went to school, taking one class here, three units here, 48 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: six units there, night classes, weekend classes, and then I 49 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:16,360 Speaker 1: started my transition. So I went through my entire transition 50 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,760 Speaker 1: working at A T and T. We had a huge building, 51 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:25,040 Speaker 1: probably about over two people in our department. Working in 52 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: the Hispanic market. There's this machismo, there's this stigma, there's 53 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 1: this homophobia, transphobia, and it was very scary. I started 54 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,080 Speaker 1: by talking to a few of my friends and then 55 00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 1: I slowly gradually started wearing women's jeans and then wearing 56 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,200 Speaker 1: booties with the with a little bit of a heel. 57 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 1: And then I started wearing eyeliner and my hair was 58 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:57,080 Speaker 1: started growing. And then I talked to HR and I said, Hey, 59 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,320 Speaker 1: I'm going through this transition. Here's my legal name change. 60 00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: I had to get a new badge for my picture, 61 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:06,880 Speaker 1: and that was you know, I was so excited about 62 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,000 Speaker 1: that because they were going to take my picture with 63 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,599 Speaker 1: me presenting as a woman, and my name was going 64 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:19,400 Speaker 1: to be different on the badge, I changed. All of 65 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:23,359 Speaker 1: my systems were changed to my new name. We have 66 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,919 Speaker 1: a prerecorded greeting, so I had to make sure that 67 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:35,159 Speaker 1: I had to record my greeting all over again numbers 68 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 1: instead of like what it was before. And I remember 69 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:46,040 Speaker 1: thinking my voice, are they going to call me less? 70 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:52,120 Speaker 1: Are they gonna call me? And so I remember freaking 71 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,839 Speaker 1: out about that and being so paranoid and self conscious 72 00:05:54,839 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 1: about it. I started practicing like what my voice was 73 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:04,599 Speaker 1: gonna sound like? Am I gonna sound more high pitched? 74 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,039 Speaker 1: Am I going to put more quiet? Am I going 75 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: to be louder? In the end, I was very surprised 76 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 1: at the women who would call or the men who 77 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:26,680 Speaker 1: call it big. The recording just worked. I think it's 78 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:29,640 Speaker 1: huge milestone when people start identifying you as what you 79 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:34,360 Speaker 1: really are. Women or men were speaking to me as Senorita. 80 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 1: It just made me happier in my workplace. I was 81 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,680 Speaker 1: in the awkward phase where you know, I had just 82 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:48,040 Speaker 1: started hormones. My skin was different, the shape of my 83 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 1: body was different. This was before I even got electrolysis 84 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:56,400 Speaker 1: to have my facial hair removed, and so yes, I 85 00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:59,320 Speaker 1: was shaving on a daily basis. But it wasn't the 86 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:03,560 Speaker 1: same as having smooth skin as I have now, So 87 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: it was an advantage to only speak to these people 88 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:11,960 Speaker 1: through the phone, were sustaining them in person. So this 89 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,840 Speaker 1: thing that I celebrated, this huge milestone, was people calling 90 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:20,920 Speaker 1: me senor It was like acknowledging my existence. It was 91 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:25,000 Speaker 1: validation and I needed it from them. From these strangers, 92 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,000 Speaker 1: they have no idea, They probably didn't give a ship, 93 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 1: but it's what I wanted for so long. When I 94 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 1: started hormones, my body lit up like a Christmas tree. 95 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: I started getting a curveer waste. My fat was distributing 96 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 1: two different areas of my body, and it just made 97 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:57,480 Speaker 1: my skin softer, a lot softer. I felt more comfortable 98 00:07:57,480 --> 00:08:00,760 Speaker 1: in my own skin. And the feeling I got when 99 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 1: people call me Senorita on the phone, it started happening 100 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,080 Speaker 1: when I would meet people in person. It's called passing. 101 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,000 Speaker 1: At the time, it felt like the only way to 102 00:08:12,040 --> 00:08:15,880 Speaker 1: be trans was to pass as a siss woman, and 103 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 1: so when I did, it felt really good. But now 104 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:27,239 Speaker 1: it's different. There's a whole spectrum and it's individual to everyone. 105 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,120 Speaker 1: Some people might not want to pass, and that's totally fine. 106 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 1: But if you want to get on hormones or get 107 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:40,480 Speaker 1: electrolysis or see an enarchronologist, it's not always easy for everyone. 108 00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,200 Speaker 1: So I felt really lucky that I could do those things. 109 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 1: Not everybody wants to pass, but I really did. It's 110 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,640 Speaker 1: a little weird for me to look back and see 111 00:08:52,679 --> 00:09:00,400 Speaker 1: how important that was to me, but it was m HM. 112 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: And so if it was that important for me to 113 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:11,200 Speaker 1: get validation from strangers, you can imagine how much it 114 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:15,199 Speaker 1: meant to me when someone flirted with me a few 115 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,520 Speaker 1: years after my transition, after I broke up with Jason. 116 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: That happened when I least expected it. I was at 117 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:29,280 Speaker 1: a recovery conference running the registration table. I was in 118 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: this big, crowded hotel lobby, sitting on a plastic chair, 119 00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:38,480 Speaker 1: sucking around on my phone. I see this guy walk 120 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:44,000 Speaker 1: by and he was about my high, squinty eyes, very 121 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,440 Speaker 1: good looking. He had a goatee going on wife beater 122 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,440 Speaker 1: basketball shorts, and he turned around, he looked at me, 123 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,080 Speaker 1: and he just gave me that look like he was 124 00:09:54,160 --> 00:10:00,160 Speaker 1: checking me out. A few minutes later, he can buy 125 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,319 Speaker 1: the registration test, and he asked, is this where you register? 126 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,760 Speaker 1: You know there was a big sign with big letters 127 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,680 Speaker 1: that said registration, so that was a reach. He told 128 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,400 Speaker 1: me his name was Ryan, and then he asked me 129 00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,720 Speaker 1: a bunch of stuff about the conference. He asked, like, 130 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,719 Speaker 1: what time is the main meeting? Where can you get 131 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,960 Speaker 1: food here? Where is this panel being held? He clearly 132 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,080 Speaker 1: just wanted to talk to me because all that information 133 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: was in the pamphlet had just handed to him, and 134 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,880 Speaker 1: I was kind of flattered by that. I could feel 135 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,839 Speaker 1: that he was attracted to me. I was attracted to him, 136 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,880 Speaker 1: so I felt this spark between us. And when he 137 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:42,680 Speaker 1: turned around, I noticed he had Hickey's on his neck, 138 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: and I'm like, what the fuck. I wasn't particularly drawn 139 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,560 Speaker 1: to the higgies. It was kind of a turn off, 140 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:57,520 Speaker 1: like this guy is just a fun boy. Later on 141 00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: that afternoon, he came up to me. He just started 142 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,080 Speaker 1: small conversations, small talk, asking me where I was from, 143 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:06,280 Speaker 1: and how long I've been sober, and how long I'd 144 00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:09,200 Speaker 1: be on this planning committee. So I talked to him. 145 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:10,679 Speaker 1: I told him that I was in school, that I 146 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:13,840 Speaker 1: would come down on weekends and be active in my 147 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:21,719 Speaker 1: recovery down here, and he seemed very interested. I was 148 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 1: intrigued by his charm, his good looks, and the fact 149 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 1: that he was giving me attention at a point where 150 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,680 Speaker 1: I was in a dark place emotionally from you know, 151 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:38,679 Speaker 1: recovering from this relationship with Jason, have this void inside 152 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 1: right that just feeds off of attention validation. A lot 153 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:56,839 Speaker 1: of our aids consisted going to meetings together and going 154 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:59,400 Speaker 1: to have coffee, going to a taco shop, and just 155 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:03,360 Speaker 1: sharing some food. He was different in the way that 156 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:07,960 Speaker 1: he was very thoughtful with little things. So every time 157 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,800 Speaker 1: you'd see him, he would have picked a fresh flower 158 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: for me and put it behind my ear, little things 159 00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:21,360 Speaker 1: like that. It was affectionate. It was something that I 160 00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:24,920 Speaker 1: wasn't used to. He called me a lot, he texted 161 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: me a lot, he sent me a lot of pictures. 162 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:33,920 Speaker 1: So he was always thinking of me, and I always 163 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: wanted to be around me. Ryan was very quiet as 164 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,920 Speaker 1: a person, and sometimes we just sit there and to 165 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,400 Speaker 1: him that meant everything, Like he just wanted to sit 166 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 1: and have a conversation with me. I wanted to do 167 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,160 Speaker 1: other things. A road trip or just going out to 168 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,920 Speaker 1: the movie seemed like a big deal. But if he 169 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,520 Speaker 1: was so happy just be next me, well that was 170 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,959 Speaker 1: nice too, write. I mean, he wasn't exactly what I 171 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: had been dreaming of in a partner. I wanted somebody 172 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,360 Speaker 1: who had a vision for themselves, who were going somewhere, 173 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 1: who had plans ambition, and he didn't have that. And 174 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 1: I thought, well, maybe I can be a positive influence 175 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:26,280 Speaker 1: in his life, right, maybe I can see him in 176 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:33,520 Speaker 1: the right direction. Ryan had never been with a trans 177 00:13:33,559 --> 00:13:39,439 Speaker 1: woman before. I was his first, and he didn't seem 178 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:42,839 Speaker 1: to care. He didn't carry any sort of prejudice or 179 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,920 Speaker 1: insecurity about it. He was open to it, and he 180 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: was very proud to have me by his side and 181 00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:54,840 Speaker 1: call me his girlfriend. It felt very good because I 182 00:13:54,920 --> 00:14:00,360 Speaker 1: had a few trans friends who weren't getting that. I 183 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: think in a way, it had a lot to do 184 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:11,880 Speaker 1: with me quote unquote passing as female. Right. Ryan really 185 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,560 Speaker 1: wanted to be my boyfriend. He wanted to be my 186 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 1: life partner. He said, hey, you know, maybe when you graduated, 187 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:24,000 Speaker 1: we can get married to hear. That was just incredible. 188 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,880 Speaker 1: It was really flattering. This week guy wants to marry me, 189 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: And of course I said, yes, how many guys do 190 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: you find that want to marry a trans woman? And 191 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,480 Speaker 1: it's like I saw this perfect ending of my love 192 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:42,960 Speaker 1: story that ended in marriage. But I basically said yes 193 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 1: to a guy that I've only been dating for a 194 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:50,360 Speaker 1: few months. In reality, I wasn't voicing when I really 195 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:55,880 Speaker 1: wanted in a relationship. Here's Ryan giving me all this attention, 196 00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:01,360 Speaker 1: showering me with loads of affection, I p d A 197 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,520 Speaker 1: and cutting fresh flowers for me and calling me all 198 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:10,320 Speaker 1: the time, wanting to be involved in my life. But 199 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: then I started feeling smothered. I have a memory of 200 00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 1: being a little kid, eight years old. So I'm at 201 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: my grandparents house, my dad's parents, which is where I 202 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:41,400 Speaker 1: had been living because my other grandmother was in prison. 203 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:46,440 Speaker 1: They were the only ones providing civility in my life. 204 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,920 Speaker 1: They had a four bedroom house. There was food on 205 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,200 Speaker 1: the table. I had my own bedroom. You know, there 206 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:58,920 Speaker 1: were things about it that weren't ideal, things that weren't 207 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,760 Speaker 1: great for me. I'll get to those later, But overall, 208 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:06,760 Speaker 1: we had a good home. The TV was on loud, 209 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,080 Speaker 1: people were coming in and out. They were happy people. 210 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: There was music playing always. We had to go home. 211 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,880 Speaker 1: They even enrolled me to school right across the street. 212 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 1: M every Christmas Eve, and we had this tradition on 213 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,160 Speaker 1: my dad's side of the family. We'd go to the 214 00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 1: Juana to my great grandparents house, where all of my 215 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:43,240 Speaker 1: grandmother's brothers and sisters came to spend Christmas Eve with 216 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 1: their families. Huge family. Christmas Eve was always so much 217 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: fun because we got to dress up across the border, 218 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:57,640 Speaker 1: walk into this house where everyone's happy. You walk in 219 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:02,720 Speaker 1: and you can smell at the mals cooking. Oh. All 220 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:07,040 Speaker 1: the kids would be outside playing with fireworks, lighting fireworks. 221 00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,880 Speaker 1: One of my cousins had an organ and would gather 222 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:19,600 Speaker 1: around and sing along while she played. Right before midnight, 223 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:24,920 Speaker 1: we'd gather around then activity set and they'd passed Baby 224 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 1: Jesus so that everybody can hold them and kiss them. 225 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:29,440 Speaker 1: And at midnight we put them on the nativity set 226 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,080 Speaker 1: and then we'd be able to open up one present 227 00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:45,240 Speaker 1: from Santa Claus. I loved those days. That year, when 228 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,080 Speaker 1: I was eight years old, the day before Christmas Eve, 229 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:51,199 Speaker 1: I was sitting at my grandparents house getting excited to 230 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:55,639 Speaker 1: go to the Kwana. I look out the window and 231 00:17:55,720 --> 00:18:00,240 Speaker 1: the strange car pulls up and out of the car, Yeah, 232 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:04,320 Speaker 1: comes my mom. I'm so surprised to see her because 233 00:18:04,359 --> 00:18:07,280 Speaker 1: I'm thinking she's supposed to be in jail, but here 234 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: she is. She had been arrested a few months earlier, 235 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: one of many arrests that I could remember. Knowing she 236 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,000 Speaker 1: was in jail was like knowing it was going to 237 00:18:19,119 --> 00:18:22,600 Speaker 1: reign for a very long time. It just seemed like 238 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:26,880 Speaker 1: a sad but normal part of life. So I got 239 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,639 Speaker 1: used to her being gone, but there she was right outside. 240 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,560 Speaker 1: So I ran up to her. She hugs me and 241 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,120 Speaker 1: I say, what are you doing here? And she said, well, 242 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:40,399 Speaker 1: I got out. I was supposed to go to a 243 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:47,040 Speaker 1: drug program, but we're gonna do something else. My mom 244 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 1: told me she was staying at a hotel. She tells 245 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:51,159 Speaker 1: me that she's gonna come pick me up in a 246 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:53,960 Speaker 1: couple of days. But I'm so happy to see her 247 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,480 Speaker 1: that I want to go with her. And I'm like, Mom, 248 00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:58,120 Speaker 1: can I go with you? She said, no, just stay 249 00:18:58,119 --> 00:19:00,879 Speaker 1: here with your grandparents, like Chris Smith passed by, and 250 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 1: then we'll leave. But because my mom was free and 251 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:07,159 Speaker 1: out of jail, I didn't want to go to the 252 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:11,520 Speaker 1: Corna that night. I wanted to go stay with my mom, 253 00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,240 Speaker 1: and she pushed back. She said, are you sure you 254 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,560 Speaker 1: want to come with me? I don't have presents. We 255 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,240 Speaker 1: are not going to have a nice dinner. We're just 256 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,040 Speaker 1: gonna be stuck in a hotel room. You're gonna be 257 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:24,879 Speaker 1: so bored. I didn't care. I wanted to go. I 258 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 1: just wanted to be with her more than anything. We 259 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,760 Speaker 1: made a quick stop at this little store. It was 260 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,679 Speaker 1: probably an any nine cent store, and she said, you 261 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:44,640 Speaker 1: can pick something, and I gravitated towards this little boombox. 262 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,720 Speaker 1: I figured we'd have music to play at night, so 263 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,800 Speaker 1: she bought me the spoonbox and off we go to 264 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:58,119 Speaker 1: the hotel. Soon as you opened the door to the 265 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:02,040 Speaker 1: hotel room, you can smell all the smoke of previous 266 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:06,679 Speaker 1: smokers who were staying there. The carpets old. It looks 267 00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:13,360 Speaker 1: nasty and stiff, cigarette burns on the carpet, old furniture. 268 00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: It feels like the seventies because everything's brown and orange. 269 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,760 Speaker 1: That's right next to the highway, so it's very loud. 270 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,880 Speaker 1: The walls are really thin. You can hear noises from 271 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:31,720 Speaker 1: people next door to you. The TVs old with an 272 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 1: antenna that barely works. You only get five channels. So 273 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,719 Speaker 1: I have this memory of that night. I'm sitting at 274 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,160 Speaker 1: the foot of the bed, my Mom's on the bed, 275 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,800 Speaker 1: laying down. I'm looking for something to watch on TV. 276 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:49,159 Speaker 1: I'm looking for a Christmas movie so that we can 277 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:53,200 Speaker 1: get into the Christmas spirit. I'm playing with the boom box, 278 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,200 Speaker 1: trying to find Christmas music so that we can see 279 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:59,760 Speaker 1: Christmas carols. And I remember thinking that my mom was 280 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:05,119 Speaker 1: a space out. So in the time since I've learned 281 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,680 Speaker 1: that she was also doing Heroin that night, she would 282 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,679 Speaker 1: go into the bathroom and get loaded shoot up and 283 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,880 Speaker 1: I'm outside just sitting on the bed trying to find 284 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:25,440 Speaker 1: something to watch on TV. Any moment that I had 285 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,959 Speaker 1: with my mom just really felt like a gift to me. 286 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,719 Speaker 1: And then I think about it, and even though I 287 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,399 Speaker 1: was spending time with my mom, I wasn't really getting 288 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:42,680 Speaker 1: any attention from her. She wasn't even playing with me. 289 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 1: She probably wasn't even talking to me. Most likely she 290 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:50,240 Speaker 1: was nodding off from being on Heroin. It's not that 291 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:52,120 Speaker 1: my mom didn't love me as a kid. She did. 292 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: She was just in her illness and her disease, and 293 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 1: I equated attention to love, and since I wasn't getting 294 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:08,080 Speaker 1: any attention, I didn't feel loved. And here's my theory. 295 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:12,040 Speaker 1: I think because I had very little attention as a child. 296 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:17,600 Speaker 1: I settled for these crumbs of attention from my mom 297 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,520 Speaker 1: or from anybody who would give them to me, even 298 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:51,120 Speaker 1: into my adult life, so I grew up. I'm dating Ryan. 299 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,239 Speaker 1: In the beginning of the relationship, all his calls and 300 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,000 Speaker 1: text that would come just made me feel so validated, 301 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,960 Speaker 1: so wanted right, like somebody actually wanted to spend time 302 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:06,320 Speaker 1: with me. Was that enough? Did it add up to 303 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:20,439 Speaker 1: us loving each other. I'm sitting in my car with 304 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,000 Speaker 1: him next to me, and he's making all these plans 305 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,000 Speaker 1: of how when I graduate college he wants to do 306 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:30,320 Speaker 1: this and that, and I'm thinking to myself, this fucking sucks. 307 00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:35,240 Speaker 1: So this guy wanted to marry me, and I felt 308 00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:38,920 Speaker 1: like I was supposed to celebrate that. I was supposed 309 00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: to say yes. I was used to celebrating things that 310 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:47,080 Speaker 1: I didn't want to have to celebrate. Jason had told 311 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:50,199 Speaker 1: me that I couldn't find love, and here I was. 312 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:54,800 Speaker 1: I found someone who did love me, but it wasn't 313 00:23:54,960 --> 00:24:00,960 Speaker 1: making me happy. I didn't want to celebrate this m 314 00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 1: and I was so torn. I was so worried I 315 00:24:03,720 --> 00:24:11,400 Speaker 1: wouldn't find us again. But I have to listen to myself, 316 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: not the fear, the love, about things that are actually 317 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:24,280 Speaker 1: important to me. I was stringing him along, pretending to 318 00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:30,840 Speaker 1: be totally fulfilled by our relationship, but I wasn't. Sitting 319 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,720 Speaker 1: in the car, I had a wave of guilt and 320 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:40,639 Speaker 1: a big wave of fear. I looked at him and 321 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:45,960 Speaker 1: I said, Ryan, we need a break. I need to 322 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 1: focus on school. I don't have it in me to 323 00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:57,800 Speaker 1: continue this relationship. And he just silently cried on the 324 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,680 Speaker 1: passenger seat of my car. Ok. But he took it. 325 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:07,520 Speaker 1: He didn't put up a fight, and that's how I 326 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:22,800 Speaker 1: ended it. I know why I'm addicted to attention, addicted 327 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,560 Speaker 1: to these little moments when someone texts me or flirts 328 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:30,080 Speaker 1: with me. It makes me feel important. And I was 329 00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,320 Speaker 1: terrified to lose that. But maybe it's worth the risk. 330 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 1: Can I have someone's attention in a real, deep connection. 331 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:45,920 Speaker 1: Can I have something worth celebrating? Maybe next time when 332 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:55,120 Speaker 1: I meet Adam Crumbs is the production of I Heart 333 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,600 Speaker 1: Radios Michael lu podcast Network in association with Trojan Horse. 334 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:05,200 Speaker 1: It's produced by Margaret Catcher and and edited by Jazzmind 335 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:09,600 Speaker 1: Rometto and Alex Gumeto. Original music by Daniel Peter Schmidt 336 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:16,200 Speaker 1: and engineering by Manuel Executive produced by Gisvances and Conno 337 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:19,920 Speaker 1: Burn for i Heeart, Alex Bumeto for Trojan Horse, Joshua 338 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:28,520 Speaker 1: Weinstein Jazzmind, Rometo Camilla and and me Emio LEA special 339 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:34,200 Speaker 1: thanks to Monissa Hendrix, fernand Estrada and Sara Mota. Listen 340 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:38,280 Speaker 1: to Crumbs on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, 341 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:40,200 Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts