Speaker 1: Personally with.
Speaker 2: Felsman. Happy Monday, everybody, It's a big fun episode. This week.
Speaker 2: I have on expert Lindsay Tran, who is known as
Speaker 2: the Real Love Alchemist on social media. She helps people
Speaker 2: go from bad relationships to real love with some subconscious work.
Speaker 2: Then I'm bringing on my friend Kate, who we have
Speaker 2: a little difference in age and life experiences. Of course,
Speaker 2: she will share her experiences in breaking off to engagements
Speaker 2: and her desire to have a kid of her own.
Speaker 2: But the pressure of the biological clock is of course looming,
Speaker 2: So here we go. Friends. Lindsay Tran is with us today.
Speaker 2: She's a certified energy healer and coach, also known as
Speaker 2: the Real Love Alchemist on social media. Lindsay, how are
Speaker 2: you doing.
Speaker 3: I'm really good, super excited to be here. Thank you
Speaker 3: for having me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course I would love to know where the
Speaker 2: Real Love Alchemist's name came from, because the only other
Speaker 2: other time I think I've heard that word us is
Speaker 2: in a Taylor Swift song.
Speaker 3: Yeah. Well, actually I didn't get it from Taylor Swift,
Speaker 3: but I so. I'm an energy healer and my clients
Speaker 3: used to say to me, wow, like this stuff. It
Speaker 3: just feels like magic. I was like, oh, I should
Speaker 3: do something with that, and so yeah, I came up
Speaker 3: with the Real Love Alchemist because I'm just I'm helping
Speaker 3: my clients find real love, healthy love, and they like
Speaker 3: to call it that too, So I said, all right,
Speaker 3: let me let me make this work with putting those
Speaker 3: two things together. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, well I love the name. I think it's awesome.
Speaker 2: And that's obviously why you're here to talk about real love.
Speaker 2: And I want to kind of kick this off by
Speaker 2: talking about dating today, because dating today is a very
Speaker 2: interesting culture and I want to get into it. So
Speaker 2: trying to find dating with commitment, how does one ensure
Speaker 2: they are dating to do that or being that.
Speaker 3: Oh that's such a good question, and yeah, I mean
Speaker 3: dating today it's tough. I would say a lot changed
Speaker 3: over the last couple of years, especially since the pandemic.
Speaker 3: Like when I started doing this work, it was around
Speaker 3: twenty twenty, it was before that stuff went down, So
Speaker 3: I have seen a lot changed since then. But there
Speaker 3: are just some basic things that you can do, no
Speaker 3: matter no matter what's going on in the world to
Speaker 3: find commitment. And I think the most important thing is
Speaker 3: to just know what you want, and if you really
Speaker 3: want commitment, then you don't have to settle for people
Speaker 3: who aren't looking for that, because sometimes we say to
Speaker 3: ourselves like, yeah, you know, it'd be nice to have
Speaker 3: a committed relationship, but we don't lead with that, and
Speaker 3: we get ourselves involved in situationships and just things that
Speaker 3: aren't going anywhere. So I would say the first thing
Speaker 3: is just no knowing what you want and then owning it,
Speaker 3: claiming it and say yes, I want a committed relationship,
Speaker 3: and then when you go out there, you talk about it.
Speaker 3: So it doesn't mean like as soon as you meet someone,
Speaker 3: you're like, all right, what are you looking for? But
Speaker 3: as you start to get to know them, you do
Speaker 3: put it out there. And you can even start by
Speaker 3: just asking the other person that you're dating, like, hey,
Speaker 3: what are you looking for out of this? And they
Speaker 3: can share what they're looking for, and then you share too,
Speaker 3: and you say, yeah, you know, I'm looking for something serious,
Speaker 3: something committed. And here's the hardest part. If there's a mismatch,
Speaker 3: even if you really like them, even if they're checking
Speaker 3: all of your boxes, you've got to walk away, which
Speaker 3: is so much easier said than done. But that's one
Speaker 3: of the biggest things to do as far as if
Speaker 3: you're looking for commitment.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, I have found in my dating
Speaker 2: I call them adventures now because at this point that's
Speaker 2: kind of what they are. But I have found that.
Speaker 2: I think everybody would love to have it connection and
Speaker 2: everybody is hoping to find someone. But I think there's
Speaker 2: a difference in wanting a connection and being ready for it.
Speaker 2: How can you like help people determine this. Person may
Speaker 2: say they want this, but I don't think that's actually
Speaker 2: what's happening here.
Speaker 3: Oh I love that, because that was gonna be the
Speaker 3: next thing that I would say. Yeah. So because somebody
Speaker 3: can say yes, I want a relationship, some people will
Speaker 3: be very upfront with you and they will say yeah, no,
Speaker 3: like I'm not looking for something serious. I just want
Speaker 3: to have something fun. Or they could even say I'm
Speaker 3: open to something serious. I would say, no, they're not
Speaker 3: looking for something serious if they're saying that. But if
Speaker 3: they're saying they're looking for something serious, then the next
Speaker 3: step is you've got to keep your eyes open and
Speaker 3: make sure that their actions are matching that. So what
Speaker 3: does that look like? So, I mean emotional availability is
Speaker 3: something that we talk about a lot, but really that
Speaker 3: means like, are they showing up like a person who
Speaker 3: would want a serious relationship would show up. So if
Speaker 3: they're saying I want something serious, but then they don't
Speaker 3: talk to you very much, like they don't ask you well,
Speaker 3: they don't set dates, or maybe you only hear from
Speaker 3: them like once a week or maybe even once every
Speaker 3: couple weeks, and I would say, no, that person probably
Speaker 3: is not actually ready for a serious relationship. So really
Speaker 3: it's like watching behavior and making sure their actions match
Speaker 3: their words. And also emotional availability. That's a huge thing,
Speaker 3: like can they show up in a way where they
Speaker 3: are present to you, They're not still hung up on
Speaker 3: their ex, They've worked through a lot of the major
Speaker 3: things in their life where they can actually show up
Speaker 3: as a person who's ready for something serious.
Speaker 2: It's funny you mentioned emotional availability because that was my
Speaker 2: next thing to get into because I've had my fair share. Listen,
Speaker 2: I am someone who is stable, consistent, I'm healthy, I
Speaker 2: know what I'm looking for, But somehow I keep running
Speaker 2: into people who really really think they're emotionally ready, and
Speaker 2: then they meet me and they're like, never mind, im
Speaker 2: not I am not ready for what you're bringing to
Speaker 2: the table. And that's fine, at least I'm learning that
Speaker 2: early on. But how do we know if somebody genuinely
Speaker 2: is emotionally available? Are there signs that you can pick
Speaker 2: up on in the beginning, maybe without even asking them,
Speaker 2: because as we have learned, words don't always match actions.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, no, and there totally are. And like here's
Speaker 3: here's kind of like my key for this, Like, if
Speaker 3: you're asking this question yourself, like, am am I emotionally available? Well,
Speaker 3: I would say, take a look back at your recent
Speaker 3: relationship history, and if all of your partners were emotionally unavailable,
Speaker 3: then that probably means that there's some degree of unavailability
Speaker 3: that you've got going on, which, like I hate to
Speaker 3: say that, and I say that as someone who was
Speaker 3: there too, like, yeah, I was emotionally unavailable in the past,
Speaker 3: and it can sometimes be hard to see, but it's
Speaker 3: also super powerful because if we're in this place where
Speaker 3: we're like I don't understand why I keep attracting these
Speaker 3: emotionally unavailable partners, then we can't shift it. But if
Speaker 3: we can own that, Okay, yes I probably have some
Speaker 3: of that going on. If that's my only experience with dating,
Speaker 3: but yeah, emotional unavailability. It's so there's so many things
Speaker 3: that make up our ability to be available. But it
Speaker 3: really does start with being able to understand first what
Speaker 3: we're actually feeling. So some of us that's very easy
Speaker 3: to do, and for some of us that's actually quite hard.
Speaker 3: Like sometimes I think we're wired more emotionally. I know,
Speaker 3: like I've been on both sides of this. I have
Speaker 3: struggled in the past with really being able to figure
Speaker 3: out what the heck am I feeling in this moment,
Speaker 3: And then I've gotten really good at it, and now
Speaker 3: I can tell you in one second, like here's what
Speaker 3: I think. But you know, it does sometimes take some
Speaker 3: practice and maybe even some therapy and doing some personal
Speaker 3: work energy healing to just clear some of the stuff
Speaker 3: that's going on so that you know what you're feeling
Speaker 3: in every any given moment. So I would say it
Speaker 3: starts with that. It starts with being able to know
Speaker 3: what you're feeling, and then being able to express it
Speaker 3: when need be, and expressing it in a healthy way,
Speaker 3: not shouting, not yelling at people, not blaming, not criticizing,
Speaker 3: but saying like, hey, I'm feeling kind of anxious right now,
Speaker 3: like can we talk about this? So that's a big
Speaker 3: part of it. And then also being comfortable with having
Speaker 3: emotional conversations. So, like to answer your question about early dating,
Speaker 3: like if you're getting hints that when you start to
Speaker 3: bring up something that's maybe like a little bit more serious.
Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be like super intense, but if
Speaker 3: you're bringing up stuff it's maybe a little bit more heavy,
Speaker 3: we could say, and they are shutting that down, they
Speaker 3: are like trying to talk about anything but that I
Speaker 3: would say that might be a sign that this person
Speaker 3: is not super ready for the availability that you're looking for.
Speaker 3: And also the ability to set boundaries is huge too.
Speaker 3: So like so the other degree, if you're with somebody
Speaker 3: and they're just like cool with every single thing that
Speaker 3: you do and they never bring up their preferences, they
Speaker 3: never bring up when something might be bothering them, they
Speaker 3: might not be emotionally available either. There's a lot that
Speaker 3: goes into it. I mean we could talk like hours.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, And again this is baseline because and there's
Speaker 2: a few different directions here. I want to go and
Speaker 2: I'm gonnat remind me. I would like to talk about
Speaker 2: how to tell a healthy partner from an unhealthy one.
Speaker 2: That is something I want to address totally. But you
Speaker 2: reminded me of something. And it's funny because I am now.
Speaker 2: I have had unhealthy relationships. I've had healthier ones as
Speaker 2: I've gotten older and I've learned a lot about things.
Speaker 2: But even in dating, as you're in these very early
Speaker 2: early stages of you know, date one to date seven,
Speaker 2: let's give that the date range, when you're learning all
Speaker 2: about a person, I just in the last few months
Speaker 2: have dated the guy who would drop everything and do
Speaker 2: everything for me, and I was like, Okay, I need
Speaker 2: you to have some different boundaries because this is too much.
Speaker 2: And I've dated the guy who loved to show he
Speaker 2: was like really wanted it, and then pulled back, Oh
Speaker 2: I really want to. Oh I'm gonna pull back again,
Speaker 2: and even to the point of saying why can't why
Speaker 2: can't we just have fun? And I was like, whoa,
Speaker 2: let me pump the brakes here, because this is not
Speaker 2: what you said when we first started talking to each other.
Speaker 2: So I have seen the spectrum of people, and this
Speaker 2: gets me to the point of knowing an unhealthy situation.
Speaker 2: So once you have been in an unhealthy situation is
Speaker 2: sometimes hard to recognize healthy. So can you kind of
Speaker 2: paint a picture of a healthy partner maybe beyond those
Speaker 2: first kind of steps of dating as you really start
Speaker 2: to progress someone, because I think we're learning and we're
Speaker 2: all growing, but it's sometimes hard to identify a healthy
Speaker 2: love and a healthy partner.
Speaker 3: And this is my journey too. Yeah, like I became
Speaker 3: the real of alchemists because I had bad relationships and
Speaker 3: I was like, I got to I got to figure
Speaker 3: this out, Like I don't want this to keep happening.
Speaker 3: And you know, so you have.
Speaker 2: Because you did just get married, so very exciting like that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, hopefully I hope that I figured it out. Yeah, No,
Speaker 3: I'm very happy now. It's it's like a completely different
Speaker 3: relationship from the ones I've had in the past. But no,
Speaker 3: you're right, it can be so hard to figure out
Speaker 3: what actually healthy love is when you've never had it,
Speaker 3: when you haven't had that experience of it. And that
Speaker 3: was a big struggle for me too, and that's why
Speaker 3: I like, I dove in and I figured it out.
Speaker 3: But I feel like I'm still in that process. And
Speaker 3: I would say, you know, speaking of emotional availability is
Speaker 3: something that I thought to share that sometimes doesn't come
Speaker 3: up in like if you just google like how to
Speaker 3: tell if you're emotionally available. But something that I've realized
Speaker 3: on my own journey is that when we're going from
Speaker 3: bad relationships to a more healthier relationship, sometimes we can
Speaker 3: swing to the opposite extreme and we find faults in
Speaker 3: every single person and we're trying to find this like
Speaker 3: perfect healed person and the reality is that that doesn't exist,
Speaker 3: Like we're not going to find that. We can find
Speaker 3: somebody who's relatively healthy, but everyone's going to have something
Speaker 3: going on. So I think the degree to which you
Speaker 3: can be a little bit forgiving of certain things, and
Speaker 3: I'll tell you when that when that's good to do,
Speaker 3: actually speaks to how emotionally available you are. Because people
Speaker 3: who are emotionally available and who have had good, healthy
Speaker 3: relationships their whole life, they know that someone's not going
Speaker 3: to be perfect, they know that there's going to be challenges,
Speaker 3: they know that there's going to be things to work on,
Speaker 3: so they give you a little grace they can work
Speaker 3: with you. And I think sometimes that can be the
Speaker 3: hardest thing when we're going from unhealthy relationships, because we
Speaker 3: don't want to have that happen again. And so we've
Speaker 3: got like egalized out right.
Speaker 2: For anything, the pendulum is totally on the other side
Speaker 2: and it's not coming back for.
Speaker 3: A while completely, and like give yourself some grace if
Speaker 3: you're there too, Like that is part of the process.
Speaker 3: But I would say part of the process is coming
Speaker 3: back into balance eventually and realize saying that, Yeah, like
Speaker 3: somebody doesn't have to be perfect. But one of the
Speaker 3: things that I think does consider does make you a
Speaker 3: healthy partner is if you are open to personal growth.
Speaker 3: So if you're open to healing, this is what I
Speaker 3: was looking for. I knew. I knew at some point
Speaker 3: I was like, I'm not I'm not gonna find this
Speaker 3: perfect person. Like I've got my stuff, so I can't.
Speaker 3: I can't expect somebody else to have this blank slate
Speaker 3: and have nothing going on. So I was just looking
Speaker 3: for does this person have some self awareness, Like can
Speaker 3: they own the stuff that they've got going on? Can
Speaker 3: they take feedback from me when I say like, hey,
Speaker 3: this thing freaked me out or like this thing hurt me,
Speaker 3: can they hear me? And can they then work to
Speaker 3: accommodate me within reason? Like, I'm assuming that I'm being
Speaker 3: reasonable here in my request. So honestly, I think that's
Speaker 3: some of the most important things to look for, the
Speaker 3: potential that a person has to actually grow and change
Speaker 3: with you in a relationship. So that was, honestly, that
Speaker 3: was my number one thing that I was like that,
Speaker 3: I've got it, Like my partner. My partner is a therapist,
Speaker 3: so he's like, yeah, he gets it. And somebody who's
Speaker 3: also willing to apologize, because again, we're going to mess up.
Speaker 3: We are not perfect people here. We're going to say
Speaker 3: things that we don't mean. We're going to hurt our
Speaker 3: partner even if we're not meaning to. And so somebody
Speaker 3: that can own that and say, yeah, like I apologize,
Speaker 3: I'm going to try to do better next time. And
Speaker 3: someone who you really just feel safe with, will you
Speaker 3: feel like your nervous system can just kind of go ah,
Speaker 3: like maybe it doesn't they don't have the the super
Speaker 3: exciting fireworks that maybe past relationships had they were more unhealthy.
Speaker 3: Of course, attraction is important, you have to be attracted,
Speaker 3: but someone who you feel like you can exhale with,
Speaker 3: who it just feels like this person is home to you,
Speaker 3: and I say that with like a little astro. It's
Speaker 3: like not home in the sense of like if you
Speaker 3: had an unhealthy upbringing where it feels like, oh this
Speaker 3: is super familiar, but no, where you feel like you
Speaker 3: have this the sense of a team with this person,
Speaker 3: like they're showing up for you, they're emotionally available, they're consistent,
Speaker 3: and they want to be with you. So that's just
Speaker 3: like a little bit of what you can look for
Speaker 3: as far as transitioning into a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you mentioned consistent there, and I this is
Speaker 2: my phrase, consistency is sexy. That is like my go
Speaker 2: to phrase.
Speaker 3: I love it. I love it because you never.
Speaker 2: Until I got probably late twenties and now to where
Speaker 2: I'm at my life, I never realized how important consistency
Speaker 2: was for me. I like, I think, especially having unhealthy
Speaker 2: or toxic relationships or however they look, you feel that chaos,
Speaker 2: and that chaos drives you to the opposite of what
Speaker 2: you're saying of like calmness, No, chaos don't bring me anything.
Speaker 2: But that middle ground is consistency, Like who you are
Speaker 2: is consistent. And I have often said that's my number
Speaker 2: one thing I'm looking for. The communication is so important,
Speaker 2: And of course there's I have a laundry list of
Speaker 2: things I'm looking for, but the first thing I'm paying
Speaker 2: attention is how you're interacting with the world and how
Speaker 2: consistent you're being within those regions of different things. Would
Speaker 2: you agree that that's like a really important factor as well.
Speaker 3: Oh, one hundred percent. Yeah, And I would say that
Speaker 3: like that kind of goes with integrity too, Like I
Speaker 3: had that eye on my list as well, like somebody
Speaker 3: who could be consistent and who had integrity, which kind
Speaker 3: of speaks to like, yes, they would do what they
Speaker 3: said they would do. It feels like this person is
Speaker 3: not hiding things from me, they're just being real with me.
Speaker 3: And yes, they are consistent. They show up, they're not
Speaker 3: running away when the conversations get tough or when there's
Speaker 3: a conflict. So yeah, completely, I would recommend looking for
Speaker 3: that too.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, okay, good listen.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I like the confirmation that we're headed in the right direction.
Speaker 2: So I also want to talk to I think there's
Speaker 2: also we're mentioning some toxic and not as calm relationship,
Speaker 2: and you mention that firework feeling and often that people
Speaker 2: refer to as butterflies and I saw when you're posts
Speaker 2: on social media talking about this, and I thought it
Speaker 2: was so interesting because I've experienced many different kinds of
Speaker 2: butterflies in my dating, good, bad, everywhere in between. What
Speaker 2: your thoughts on this, like, what are butterflies and what's
Speaker 2: the situation with them? Should we be avoiding them, happy
Speaker 2: that they're around? What's going on? Oh?
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah? Butterflies? Man, they could be super confusing because,
Speaker 3: like you said, you can feel all kinds of different
Speaker 3: sensations down there and they can mean a lot of
Speaker 3: different things. So you know, my stance on it is
Speaker 3: that I would not go by butterflies to tell you anything,
Speaker 3: because typically their thought of is just like sensations in
Speaker 3: the stomach, and you can have those kinds of sensations
Speaker 3: when you're excited, when you're turned on well, but also
Speaker 3: when you're feeling unsafe, when you're feeling anxious. So like,
Speaker 3: if that's that's the deal with butterflies, then I I
Speaker 3: just tell my clients like, don't don't go by them,
Speaker 3: Like it's nice to notice when they're there, and you
Speaker 3: can you can say, oh, I feel butterflies. Maybe I
Speaker 3: want to investigate that a little bit more like what
Speaker 3: is that actually telling me what am I feeling here?
Speaker 3: Sometimes they can even be present when we feel love,
Speaker 3: So it's it's super confusing. And I just say, like,
Speaker 3: throw the butterfly thing away, like it really is not
Speaker 3: a reliable indicator for whether someone's right for you or
Speaker 3: wrong for you, because it could be present in so
Speaker 3: many different situations. Such a good question, thank you.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, but and it's so hard, right because I
Speaker 2: have grown up on Disney movies and I've been taught
Speaker 2: that butterflies are what you're looking for, like you should
Speaker 2: be swept off your feet. Heck, even Princess Diaries taught
Speaker 2: me that I should be foot popping when I'm kissing
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. Like, there's so many levels
Speaker 2: of this, So I love that you said it has
Speaker 2: multiple levels and maybe just like use it as your
Speaker 2: body's reacting to something and nothing more than that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Like don't if you're asking for just
Speaker 3: straight up advice, don't go by butterflies. Yeah, like can
Speaker 3: mean so many different things.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Oh that's good. Okay, but I'm glad we made
Speaker 2: sure to squash that little bug, if you will. I
Speaker 2: also want to talk about I think there's this kind
Speaker 2: of this perception around people who jump from relationship to relationship,
Speaker 2: good and bad. Right, There's some people who are like, oh,
Speaker 2: good for them. There's other people like, holy crap, what
Speaker 2: are they doing? What is this situation with people who
Speaker 2: jump to relationship to relationship that you've seen? Is this
Speaker 2: more normal or is it something that we shouldn't be doing?
Speaker 2: How do we know we're healing? Like this kind of
Speaker 2: baseline of just jumping from a relationship to relationship.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I like to talk about that because I was
Speaker 3: that person in my past, Like I pretty much jumped
Speaker 3: from a ten year marriage into another relationship, and yeah,
Speaker 3: it really was just a matter of a couple of months,
Speaker 3: So I could totally relate to being in that place.
Speaker 3: And you know, I would say if I put myself
Speaker 3: in my head at that time, there were a number
Speaker 3: of different reasons why I was doing that, and a
Speaker 3: lot of them are unconscious. That's why I'm a big
Speaker 3: on subconscious work. But some of the reasons were I
Speaker 3: didn't want to be alone because I had been in
Speaker 3: this relationship for so long and the thought of starting
Speaker 3: over again completely and being single for a while just
Speaker 3: completely filled me with dread. I just felt like, oh,
Speaker 3: it's so daunting, I don't want to do it now.
Speaker 3: This was not completely conscious, but that was going on
Speaker 3: in the back of my mind. And the other reason
Speaker 3: was I had told myself which was not actually true,
Speaker 3: but I had told myself that I had done a
Speaker 3: lot of the grieving while in the relationship because it
Speaker 3: was a long time coming. Like I didn't just pop
Speaker 3: out of there. I had done a lot of work
Speaker 3: to get to that point, and I thought I was
Speaker 3: over it at that point, which was not completely not true,
Speaker 3: but that's what I was thinking at the time. And
Speaker 3: also I was trying to avoid the deep pain, the
Speaker 3: deep grieving that I really actually needed to do before
Speaker 3: getting into a relationship. So I thought, well, I'll just
Speaker 3: pop in here and like I'll just feel better and
Speaker 3: that'll be it. I'll just be good. So I think
Speaker 3: a lot of those reasons are why people jump from
Speaker 3: relationship to relationship. Now I can't speak for everyone here,
Speaker 3: but that's usually what I see, like some variation of
Speaker 3: those or even all of them going on at once.
Speaker 3: And I would say, like, no judgment, if you want
Speaker 3: to do that, cool, but I would say if you're
Speaker 3: if you're looking to break the cycle of these painful relationships,
Speaker 3: you probably do want to pause because it's very different
Speaker 3: actually being single after a relationship and taking that time
Speaker 3: to figure out who am I now, how did I
Speaker 3: get to this point and what do I actually want
Speaker 3: moving forward? Because I from my experience, you can't get
Speaker 3: that kind of perspective while you're in the relationship with somebody,
Speaker 3: Even if you think you've done all the processing, like
Speaker 3: you've done all the work, it's different when you're single.
Speaker 3: It's different when you're out of that relationship. So I mean,
Speaker 3: unfortunately I do see it a lot. But again, if
Speaker 3: you're trying to break the cycle of painful relationships, I
Speaker 3: would not recommend relationship hopping.
Speaker 2: And do you feel like as long as you've really
Speaker 2: gone through that grieving process, there's not really this timeline
Speaker 2: for that, because I also know that people have kind
Speaker 2: of different experiences with how quickly they bounce back, some longer,
Speaker 2: some shorter. So do you feel like as long as
Speaker 2: you've in that single time frame, like while you've truly
Speaker 2: been alone, like grieved that relationship, that can kind of
Speaker 2: timeline look different.
Speaker 3: Well, yeah, yeah, it can could be completely different. Now
Speaker 3: if you've done a lot of that grieving while in
Speaker 3: the previous relationship, then yeah, maybe it wouldn't take that
Speaker 3: long for you, but for some people it can take
Speaker 3: quite a long time. And that's okay. There's no judgment
Speaker 3: on this. There's no like you have to be done
Speaker 3: by this amount of time. No, you take as much
Speaker 3: time as you need. And I would also say, while
Speaker 3: you're taking that time, it's super important to make sure
Speaker 3: that you're doing like a almost like an autopsy on
Speaker 3: your past relationship and just really understanding what went wrong,
Speaker 3: which you want to be different, and what you want
Speaker 3: moving forward, because it's pretty easy if you're trying to
Speaker 3: jump quickly into the next relationship to go, well, I
Speaker 3: know what I don't want, But then you might just
Speaker 3: pop back into the same thing if you don't realize
Speaker 3: what you're actually looking for. That's different. So yeah, there's
Speaker 3: no timeline on this, not at all.
Speaker 2: No, that's super important. And you did also mention in
Speaker 2: talking about the subconscious work that you do. I would
Speaker 2: love to hear some more about this. Is there particular
Speaker 2: subconscious work. So take me as your example, throw me
Speaker 2: to the fire, because that's what I'm here for. I
Speaker 2: feel like a really healthy person. I've done a lot
Speaker 2: of work, I continue to grow. That's always going to
Speaker 2: be something that's part of my life, and I'm available
Speaker 2: and I'm consistent. I feel like I am the example
Speaker 2: of someone who I feel like I'm ready when that
Speaker 2: time comes. But is there something I can still be doing?
Speaker 2: Because I'm a big believer in that you're always evolving,
Speaker 2: So is there something I can be doing? Or even
Speaker 2: somebody who's on the polar opposite spectrum of me becau's
Speaker 2: not at already or wants to be ready? What subconscious
Speaker 2: work do we need to be doing to find our
Speaker 2: kind of perfect relationship perfect in star quotes, because nothing
Speaker 2: is perfect. You know what I mean?
Speaker 3: I do know what you mean. Yes, yes, And I
Speaker 3: love talking about this. So yeah, Like in your case,
Speaker 3: I would say you might be good. But if you
Speaker 3: start to notice that you're talking to someone and you're
Speaker 3: getting a little triggered, and maybe some thoughts are running
Speaker 3: through your head like oh am I good enough? Or
Speaker 3: maybe I'm feeling some shame about this, or I'm feeling
Speaker 3: like some anxiety around this situation, that might be your
Speaker 3: clue that there's something deeper going on, and you can
Speaker 3: do some subconscious work. And also, like if you're just
Speaker 3: feeling any kind of suffering, if you are walking around
Speaker 3: feeling not enough in some way, or like even very
Speaker 3: pessimistic about dating. If you feel like, oh, there's just
Speaker 3: no good men out there or I'm never going to
Speaker 3: find somebody, then that's a pretty big clue. But there's
Speaker 3: something subconscious going on. So as far as the kind
Speaker 3: of work you can do, I mean, anything that addresses
Speaker 3: the subconscious is helpful. My favorite way is energy healing.
Speaker 3: That's what I do. But it's really just a matter
Speaker 3: of getting in there and moving through what's being held
Speaker 3: in your system. So that could be emotions from the past,
Speaker 3: there could even be negative beliefs that are being held
Speaker 3: in there. And doing whatever modality that you feel drawn
Speaker 3: to to clear the energies, clear the emotions, process them.
Speaker 3: It's another way of saying that and rewire some of
Speaker 3: those negative beliefs that might be in there. It's a
Speaker 3: game changer when it comes to relationships.
Speaker 2: Can you break down the energy healing part from me?
Speaker 2: Because I have worked with somebody here locally who she
Speaker 2: doesn't go by that. She's also a massage therapist, but
Speaker 2: she has energy healing techniques and they've benefited me greatly.
Speaker 2: And I told people about it and everybody thought I
Speaker 2: was absolutely wild, and I was like, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: you got to wait until your body feels this. It's
Speaker 2: so crazy. So can you break down kind of what
Speaker 2: that looks like for you, the energy healing side of things.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, yeah, And everybody does it a little bit differently.
Speaker 3: But how I do it is I'm using intuition and
Speaker 3: then also muscle testing to get information from your subconscious.
Speaker 3: So let's say you're coming to me and you're saying, hey, Lindsay,
Speaker 3: I'm doing pretty well, but I'm noticing that I'm getting
Speaker 3: a little bit triggered lately and I'm starting to feel
Speaker 3: like I'm not good enough in certain ways. So what
Speaker 3: I would do is I would just tune in again
Speaker 3: through intuition to your subconscious and ask you're subconscious very directly,
Speaker 3: what's going on here? What do we need to clear
Speaker 3: for you? And so sometimes there's like what I call
Speaker 3: trapped emotion, suppressed emotional energies, and sometimes there's negative beliefs.
Speaker 3: Sometimes there's a whole bunch of other stuff that comes up.
Speaker 3: But really what I do is I clear it through intention,
Speaker 3: So that means I put my hand on my heart
Speaker 3: and I hold the intention for that energy to be released.
Speaker 3: And the crazy thing is that's what releases it. It
Speaker 3: blows my mind every time. But intention is so powerful.
Speaker 3: So whether you're like sitting next to me in this
Speaker 3: room here or you're across the world, I can still
Speaker 3: connect to your energy and do work on that level.
Speaker 3: It's it's pretty incredible.
Speaker 2: Yeah wow, Okay, so this is so similar to what
Speaker 2: I did. I love what you do and I think
Speaker 2: the work is really important, even for all the people
Speaker 2: who are like I don't believe it, Just give it
Speaker 2: a try. You never know. Like everything I say, one
Speaker 2: thing I strongly believe is we're always evolving in one
Speaker 2: is that you never know something works until you try
Speaker 2: it for yourself. So that's the only way you can tell.
Speaker 2: And it's so funny you say this because one of
Speaker 2: the things she did this whole kind of process on
Speaker 2: me as well, but similar in that she also is like,
Speaker 2: you have some strings here that are tied to certain
Speaker 2: people and things, and I'm just gonna we're gonna clear
Speaker 2: it all out. It's like kind of like cobwebs, Like
Speaker 2: girlfriend they're just all gonna be gone. And I'm like, okay,
Speaker 2: clear it just, you know what, give me a base
Speaker 2: starting point of something new. And it did feel like
Speaker 2: this just strained sensation, and I wish I could explain
Speaker 2: it so much better, but I just felt like there
Speaker 2: was just a weight lifted in a way where there
Speaker 2: just wasn't this connection anymore that I was waiting or
Speaker 2: hoping or praying for, however you want to go about it.
Speaker 2: And I say all this to say so ironically like
Speaker 2: I have an animal. I've pets. I have a dog
Speaker 2: and a cat, but my dog and I are seriously
Speaker 2: bonded and I do so much for her, more than
Speaker 2: I probably do for myself. And what's so crazy is
Speaker 2: I've never considered this for myself. But when I was
Speaker 2: training my dog to become a therapy animal, one of
Speaker 2: the things the trainers, like dog trainers, told me was
Speaker 2: if you are having a bad day and you hold
Speaker 2: that leash, your dog will have a bad day. And
Speaker 2: they're like, it's all about the energy transference from you
Speaker 2: through that lead to your dog. And until the energy
Speaker 2: massage happened, and that piece of information that happened four
Speaker 2: or five years apart, right, all came together and I
Speaker 2: was just sitting there on my couch like what has
Speaker 2: happened to me? I didn't know any of this existed
Speaker 2: in what's going on, So all of that and all
Speaker 2: those stories to say, like, cannot believe more in what
Speaker 2: you're doing. And also just for someone who is like
Speaker 2: a little I guess unsure that it would help or
Speaker 2: do something like this does help. This benefits people so widely.
Speaker 3: Oh, I'm so glad you shared that. Thank you, because yeah,
Speaker 3: you're a testament to it. And I, like, I was
Speaker 3: a super skeptical person before entering this world, so like
Speaker 3: I get it. It really is kind of out there,
Speaker 3: but it is the kind of thing where you just
Speaker 3: have to try it and see for yourself. And like,
Speaker 3: I'll be real, it's not for everyone. Not every modality
Speaker 3: is not for everyone, but for a lot of people,
Speaker 3: including myself, it's been life changing. And yeah, we can
Speaker 3: actually do work on animals too. That's the crazy part
Speaker 3: in all this that yeah they can hold stuff too,
Speaker 3: and they're very much affected by our energy. So I
Speaker 3: love that trainers are telling me that it's so true.
Speaker 2: It is well, And like I said, it was like
Speaker 2: all the pieces started to just kind of collide together,
Speaker 2: and I'm like, Okay, of course I did this for
Speaker 2: her five years ago, but I never once seemed to
Speaker 2: think that this could be the same with me and
Speaker 2: other people existing in my world or objects or whatever
Speaker 2: it may be. And it was just that kind of
Speaker 2: light bulb finally went off, like it was there and
Speaker 2: it needed to be like turned on in a way.
Speaker 2: So I just I think it's really awesome. And I'm
Speaker 2: probably sure that you do have a lot of people
Speaker 2: that can be set skeptical. So I want to be
Speaker 2: someone that tells you I love the work you're doing,
Speaker 2: and I think it's important. I do want to also.
Speaker 2: And this is totally different, different sub level here, but
Speaker 2: we were talking about relationships and something I would love
Speaker 2: to ask because this is a hot topic on social
Speaker 2: media and I have my own personal opinion about it,
Speaker 2: but is it ever okay to go back to an
Speaker 2: X or somebody you once dated?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I know, hot topic, So yeah, somebody once stated for
Speaker 2: a little bit a full blown X that you were
Speaker 2: in a relationship, any of the spectrum speaking generally here,
Speaker 2: is it ever okay?
Speaker 3: Yeah? Great question, and I would say yes, in some
Speaker 3: cases it is. I mean, I'm never going to tell
Speaker 3: you like black and whites except for saying that like,
Speaker 3: but no, I think there are some situations. For sure,
Speaker 3: you can go back to an ex, but I would
Speaker 3: say some specific qualifications have to be met, so I
Speaker 3: would not go back to an ex if nothing has changed,
Speaker 3: Like there's a reason why that relationship didn't work out,
Speaker 3: So you would have to make sure that you were
Speaker 3: a different person, they were a different person. You guys
Speaker 3: have talked about what happened, what went wrong, what you're
Speaker 3: now doing differently in order to make that relationship work.
Speaker 3: And I've seen this. I've seen this with a client sometimes,
Speaker 3: you know, we work on relationships. People do get back
Speaker 3: together and they're happy and it works. So sometimes it
Speaker 3: doesn't though, And it really it all comes down to
Speaker 3: have both of you done the work from that previous
Speaker 3: relationship and are you now different people where it can
Speaker 3: work out. So yeah, it's a controversial topic, but no,
Speaker 3: I have seen it work out, so I can say, yes,
Speaker 3: there are situations where it can, but things have to
Speaker 3: be different because it's not the same relationship as it
Speaker 3: was before. If it is probably not going to work out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that is my very controversial opinion on it.
Speaker 2: If it it, I think it's different when you just
Speaker 2: maybe dated a little bit, there was a few dates
Speaker 2: and the timing didn't work out, you know, whatever it
Speaker 2: may be, and you're just not grown enough to do
Speaker 2: what you needed to do for that relationship. But when
Speaker 2: I see specifically x'es, I'm like they I firmly stand
Speaker 2: by that they are an ex for a reason. Mostly
Speaker 2: most of the time. Unfortunately, there's a reason why that happened.
Speaker 2: So I do have that controversial opinion, But I love
Speaker 2: what you said, which is, you know, if you are
Speaker 2: gonna do this and you're gonna wait in those waters,
Speaker 2: make sure things have changed for both of you.
Speaker 3: That person has tried to go back into the ex
Speaker 3: and like, what am I doing if like I'm banging
Speaker 3: my head against the wall, it's just the same thing.
Speaker 3: But yes, I do, like I said, I've seen it
Speaker 3: where people have really committed to doing the work and
Speaker 3: they are different and they show up different and then
Speaker 3: you have a different relationship and it can work out.
Speaker 3: But I completely agree with you, like, there's a lot
Speaker 3: of reasons why ex'es are exes, and often people don't
Speaker 3: change and that's okay, but that just means there's something
Speaker 3: different for us out there.
Speaker 2: M hmm. Well, please end us with a piece of
Speaker 2: advice because I do I've also had those experiences and
Speaker 2: I can I can proudly say that now because I
Speaker 2: have done that, I have gone back what I should have.
Speaker 2: So you know, you live and you learn. But I
Speaker 2: do want you to give us a little piece of
Speaker 2: hope to end this on, because I, as much as
Speaker 2: I wish to be a skeptic and pessimistic, despite everything
Speaker 2: I have been through, I still firmly believe in love
Speaker 2: and I think it's a beautiful thing that all of
Speaker 2: us do deeply want, no matter how hard it is
Speaker 2: to find and accomplish. So please give us a little
Speaker 2: bit of hope if you will, like a hopeful piece
Speaker 2: of advice.
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, I'd be happy too. And I will preface
Speaker 3: this by saying, like I have been a person who
Speaker 3: has completely lost hope in in finding healthy love. And
Speaker 3: what I would say to my past self and I'll
Speaker 3: say to anyone else out there, is if you believe
Speaker 3: it's possible, even like the slightest, tiniest like what do
Speaker 3: they say, like a mustard seed of faith. If you
Speaker 3: have a little bit of faith that love is possible
Speaker 3: for you, then it can happen. And so I would say,
Speaker 3: do whatever work you can do to get to the
Speaker 3: place where you have that little bit of faith, because
Speaker 3: that will lead you to the love that you're looking for.
Speaker 3: It is absolutely possible for you. I've seen it in
Speaker 3: all ages, all circumstances. If you do believe it's possible,
Speaker 3: then it can happen for you. And yeah, it's happened
Speaker 3: for me too, and it's happened for a lot of
Speaker 3: people I've worked with. So, yeah, there is so much
Speaker 3: love out there. We just have to open up to it.
Speaker 3: I can leave you with that too. A lot of
Speaker 3: times we have so many blocks to it that we
Speaker 3: actually can't see it. But if we can do the
Speaker 3: work to open up to it, yeah it's there, and
Speaker 3: it might not look like what you thought it would
Speaker 3: look like, but it's one hundred percent there for you.
Speaker 2: Oh I love that. Well, lindsay, thank you so much.
Speaker 2: You are the alchemists, the real love alchemist. I hope
Speaker 2: people have learned some things and taken some things from this,
Speaker 2: but thank you for joining me.
Speaker 3: Oh it's my pleasure. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2: Friends. I am joined by another one of my friends.
Speaker 2: Welcome Kate to the podcast. Hello, how does it feel
Speaker 2: to be in here?
Speaker 1: It's exciting. I'm really excited.
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you said that. Everybody comes in here
Speaker 2: and they're like, I'm a little nervous. I'm like, why
Speaker 2: we're literally friends.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not going to be anything we haven't talked
Speaker 1: about before, so I know.
Speaker 2: I I text you, I was like, can we have
Speaker 2: that like same conversation that we basically had at a bar,
Speaker 2: but on the podcast. Sure, So that's what we're doing.
Speaker 1: Yes.
Speaker 2: I brought you on here because you can give some
Speaker 2: more insights. So we are different in age. I'm thirty one.
Speaker 1: I'm about to be thirty nine.
Speaker 2: Yes, so we have like some you have more life
Speaker 2: experience than I do in some situations.
Speaker 1: Yet a little bit.
Speaker 2: And you've been previously engaged.
Speaker 1: Twice, yes, twice.
Speaker 2: So you've had just a lot of experiences in the
Speaker 2: realm of relationships dating someone now just so many things.
Speaker 2: So I wanted to bring you on to provide even
Speaker 2: further insight as someone who's a little bit older and
Speaker 2: who's been going through so much of the same things.
Speaker 2: As me, just on a different scale. So give us
Speaker 2: a little like dating history backdrop.
Speaker 1: Uh So, like you had said, I've been engaged twice.
Speaker 1: So the whole reason I live in the South now
Speaker 1: is because of a boy. I was dating a guy.
Speaker 1: We were in San Diego. He was getting out of
Speaker 1: the Marine Corps. He's from Alabama, and he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: let's go. Just graduated university, and I thought, why not?
Speaker 1: This is a life experience, and uh so I moved
Speaker 1: to Alabama. And ironically, the day he proposed, I had
Speaker 1: called my girlfriend that morning and I was like, I
Speaker 1: think I'm gonna break up with him, Like I'm miserable,
Speaker 1: I hate this relationship. I'm ready to move on. And
Speaker 1: she was like no, no, no, no, like it's fine, everything's fine.
Speaker 1: And yeah. Then he proposed that night, and it was horrible.
Speaker 1: He grabbed the wrong hand. I didn't even say yes.
Speaker 1: I think I might have said no, but there was
Speaker 1: like so much commotion that like nobody knew what was happening.
Speaker 1: Uh So, Yeah, So we were engaged for a little while,
Speaker 1: didn't work out. Then I ended up meeting another guy.
Speaker 1: We broke up, obviously, met another guy. Moved from Mobile
Speaker 1: to Tuscaloosa with this guy, and we dated for like
Speaker 1: seven or eight years before we finally got engaged. That
Speaker 1: engagement was also I actually said yes that time, let's prefacize.
Speaker 1: I said, yes that time engaged, Yes, yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: but it kind of went downhill, like there were just
Speaker 1: issues within our relationship that he couldn't get over, I
Speaker 1: couldn't get over. We did couple's therapy, we did all
Speaker 1: this stuff, and we couldn't make it work. So I
Speaker 1: actually got a phone call from somebody here in Nashville
Speaker 1: and they were like, Hey, could you interview somebody for
Speaker 1: us for this job? And I was like sure, or
Speaker 1: you could just give it to me, I'll do it,
Speaker 1: and they were like really, and I said yes, and
Speaker 1: I moved to Nashville. So the first time I moved
Speaker 1: to a city was not for a boy. Was very
Speaker 1: your own career, yes, and then uh, yeah that it
Speaker 1: was just dating during COVID and like dating in a
Speaker 1: new city where I didn't know anybody. And it's been, uh,
Speaker 1: it's been a journey.
Speaker 2: It's been a very large journey, which is what we've
Speaker 2: talked about a whole lot, just some of the similar experiences.
Speaker 2: I want to go to these engagements a little bit
Speaker 2: because you have such like who you are is so joyful,
Speaker 2: but still like you're still optimistic, but there's also pain
Speaker 2: and there's also hard emotions that have come with all
Speaker 2: of that. So you're not you're not void of any
Speaker 2: of that, but you've for someone who has gone through
Speaker 2: two broken off engagements, like you're still optimistic and you're
Speaker 2: still hopeful. Yeah, so when you broke off those engagements,
Speaker 2: like what was that like for you?
Speaker 1: Were you just.
Speaker 2: Like like kind of walk me through your feelings and
Speaker 2: your experiences that you were having, and they're probably different
Speaker 2: for each one, so walk me through each one.
Speaker 1: The first one was just like literally I was sitting
Speaker 1: I think I was in a Walmart parking lot and
Speaker 1: it was raining outside, and I was on the phone
Speaker 1: with my mom crying and she's like, are these happy tears?
Speaker 1: And I'm like, no, these are not happy tears, Like
Speaker 1: I don't want to marry this guy. I don't like
Speaker 1: him anymore. All we do is fight, like I'm miserable,
Speaker 1: and she's like, then don't marry him, Like what is
Speaker 1: the point. So it was just this sense of relief
Speaker 1: almost like I was I because like I said I
Speaker 1: was going to break up with him that morning, and
Speaker 1: then we got engaged that evening. So it was this
Speaker 1: sense of relief because I felt trapped when he proposed.
Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, I'm trapped.
Speaker 2: Now. Did you also feel like he was just on
Speaker 2: a completely different page, Like how did he think?
Speaker 1: He told my dad? Because both guys actually asked my
Speaker 1: dad called and asked my dad like, Hey, I want
Speaker 1: to marry Kate, like is it okay? Do I have
Speaker 1: your blessing? And my Dad's response to both of them
Speaker 1: is basically, you can ask her, but if she says no,
Speaker 1: I can't help you. Like she's gonna say what she
Speaker 1: wants to say. She's gonna do what she wants to do.
Speaker 1: Nobody can tell her otherwise, so you can ask. I
Speaker 1: don't care. But he had The first guy had told
Speaker 1: my Dad I feel like this is just the next thing.
Speaker 1: This is just what you do. And when I found
Speaker 1: that out later, like that really solidified for me that like, Okay,
Speaker 1: you made the right choice, because I don't want to
Speaker 1: marry somebody that's like, oh, that's just what you do.
Speaker 2: Like this is the next phase because it has to
Speaker 2: be yeah versus like, I really want to do this.
Speaker 1: I'm in love with your daughter exactly exactly, So I was.
Speaker 1: I was very relieved after that one. The second one
Speaker 1: was a lot harder to get over because we were
Speaker 1: together for so long and we had you know, we
Speaker 1: had a home together, we were making all these plans together.
Speaker 1: We had like a wall in our living room that
Speaker 1: literally said like our last name or what are my
Speaker 1: last name would have been? And it was pictures of
Speaker 1: us and our families and this It was like a
Speaker 1: big family tree thing. And so that one was a
Speaker 1: little bit harder. There was a lot of sadness, and
Speaker 1: part of it goes back to and you can relate,
Speaker 1: like when you're in high school, you're like, oh my god.
Speaker 1: By the time I'm twenty five, I'm gonna be married
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna have two kids. And I'm sitting there
Speaker 1: in my early thirties and I'm like, oh god, another
Speaker 1: one is failing. What am I doing wrong? What did
Speaker 1: I do wrong?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: And it kind of got to a place where I thought,
Speaker 1: am I the problem is? It? Is it me?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: Am I not lovable? You know? What is it here?
Speaker 1: And it took a long time for me to realize that,
Speaker 1: like when they say, you know, one door closes and
Speaker 1: another one opens. It was one of those like that
Speaker 1: was not meant for me. I would be so miserable
Speaker 1: right now. I would probably be divorced by now. Like
Speaker 1: everything that was kind of promised to me by this
Speaker 1: person was being broken even before we like got to
Speaker 1: certain stages. So it was like it was the first
Speaker 1: was looking out for you.
Speaker 2: It just was hard to feel and hard to experience,
Speaker 2: especially when it was the second time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because it's hard, you know. And then at the
Speaker 1: same time, like everybody goes through breakups, but like I
Speaker 1: don't know a lot of other people that have gone
Speaker 1: through two failed engagements one maybe, but two, Like who
Speaker 1: do you talk to? Like how do you relate that
Speaker 1: to somebody? How are they going to understand that? So
Speaker 1: it was it was interesting, very sad, lots of tears,
Speaker 1: and I thought I was over it. I thought like
Speaker 1: after I moved away to a completely new city, I
Speaker 1: thought everything was great. And then that's when I called
Speaker 1: you a couple weeks back and I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: we got go, we gotta go have a drink. Things
Speaker 1: are happening because my ex ended up coming to Nashville
Speaker 1: getting drunk and texting me like I come here all
Speaker 1: the time and think of you, and I'm like, what
Speaker 1: the hell You're.
Speaker 2: Like, don't put me back on this freaking roll acape,
Speaker 2: please please don't.
Speaker 1: And they're just it flooded all these emotions back that,
Speaker 1: like what if you just would have stayed, What if
Speaker 1: you just would have stayed, What if you just would
Speaker 1: have tried, You'd be married by now, you'd probably have
Speaker 1: a kid by now, you'd have all these things in
Speaker 1: your life that you don't have now. And now you're
Speaker 1: one step closer to forty and you don't have any
Speaker 1: of those things. And it really just like I mean,
Speaker 1: you saw me, like it broke me because I was
Speaker 1: like what am I doing? And it was hard. It
Speaker 1: was hard, but I think going through that made me
Speaker 1: realize like, Okay, there's so many other things that I
Speaker 1: was meant to do, Like there's still time for me
Speaker 1: to get married. Okay, Like I get married at forty
Speaker 1: so wet. People are having babies at forty five, so wet.
Speaker 1: So it's it's hard to get out of that mindset
Speaker 1: of like, well, by this time, I want to do this,
Speaker 1: but I'm starting to realize that I don't have to
Speaker 1: have a timeline necessarily. I want to get married. I
Speaker 1: don't need to put a timeline on it. Maybe I
Speaker 1: get married when I'm seventy. Who knows, Like I want
Speaker 1: to do it, I don't have to do it tomorrow.
Speaker 2: Do you feel like and there's just so many different,
Speaker 2: like you know, directions I want to go with this,
Speaker 2: but particularly right now, do you feel like though having
Speaker 2: broken off both of those engagements, do you feel like
Speaker 2: it at least helped you? See, I want to get married,
Speaker 2: but I don't want to be in the wrong marriage.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, I want to get married, but I don't
Speaker 1: want it to be to the wrong person. Because with
Speaker 1: the with the second engagement, I actually had already gotten
Speaker 1: my dress, and that dress was not cheap, so we
Speaker 1: had spent I think it was close to almost six
Speaker 1: grand on this wedding dress. And you want to talk
Speaker 1: about a sign from above. It came in, it didn't fit,
Speaker 1: it was cut incorrectly. I couldn't like zip it up.
Speaker 1: There was parts of the lace on the bottom of
Speaker 1: it that were missing, just straight up missing, and it
Speaker 1: was just it was horrific. So I had to fly
Speaker 1: my mom from San Diego to Tuscaloosa. Then we had
Speaker 1: a drive from Tuscaloosa to it Lasta to go to
Speaker 1: the dress shop, and the bridal people were like, we'll
Speaker 1: just refund you if you want, and I was so
Speaker 1: I was devastated, but we had already started having these
Speaker 1: problems that I was like, all right, it signed from above.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm gonna get six grand back now. Thank you
Speaker 1: so much.
Speaker 2: So didn't get it refunded.
Speaker 1: I got it refunded. I got you know, I didn't
Speaker 1: have to look at that dress anymore. Although I was
Speaker 1: scrolling through photos on my phone the other day and
Speaker 1: I was like, ooh, God, delete those. But yeah, So
Speaker 1: it was like, like you said, it was a sign
Speaker 1: from the universe. Everything was telling me like, hey, don't
Speaker 1: do this, like something else is going to come for you.
Speaker 1: Don't do this.
Speaker 2: But are you do you allow yourself like especially in
Speaker 2: those moments like when you did call me and you
Speaker 2: and he had kind of reached back out and was
Speaker 2: kind of inserting him back into your life, did you
Speaker 2: remind yourself of that? Like was that helpful for you
Speaker 2: to be like? No, there there was this reason, like
Speaker 2: I don't want a bad marriage, like yes, I like,
Speaker 2: there's something that you feel in your heart you so
Speaker 2: desperately want. You desperately want to be married.
Speaker 1: Just like me.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you desperately hope to have a kid of your
Speaker 2: own like also same, but there's also this like boundary
Speaker 2: now that you won't cross to get it. Like before,
Speaker 2: I felt, especially in my early twenties, like so desperate
Speaker 2: to have it, you know what I mean, Like I
Speaker 2: would do anything. I'd put up with anything. There wasn't
Speaker 2: a try a way, I wouldn't try something just in
Speaker 2: the hopes.
Speaker 1: That it would work out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But then once I had enough bad experiences, it
Speaker 2: was like, Okay, I'm not that desperate like I want it, Yeah,
Speaker 2: but the desperation of wanting that is gone. Did you
Speaker 2: feel like that happened for you?
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's that you feel like you can change
Speaker 1: them kind of thing. You're like, I'm stick around because
Speaker 1: I can change them. That as I've gotten older, has
Speaker 1: gotten shorter, I'm like, I'm really learning like quickly into
Speaker 1: things that hey, if you're not doing this, okay the
Speaker 1: same for me, you know, and putting you know, a
Speaker 1: limit on it, like hey, like with my not my
Speaker 1: last fiance, but the last guy was dating. We had
Speaker 1: dated for a couple of years, and before we broke up,
Speaker 1: about three months before, I had said, hey, I am
Speaker 1: unhappy we you know, we don't go out and do anything.
Speaker 1: We barely spend any time together. We live together, and
Speaker 1: we barely spend time together. So like, this has to
Speaker 1: change or we're going to be done. And he did
Speaker 1: not take me seriously. And about three months later, because
Speaker 1: I said, I'm giving you until the end of the year,
Speaker 1: three months later we broke up and I was like,
Speaker 1: I told you I was unhappy. I told you this
Speaker 1: was going to happen if we didn't change. We didn't change,
Speaker 1: and we're done because I just you can't. As you
Speaker 1: get older, you realize you don't have the time, you know,
Speaker 1: like aside from like your biological clock, all these other
Speaker 1: things like I just mentally don't have the time, like
Speaker 1: fining energy, yeah, stuff like that, And I don't want
Speaker 1: to put the energy I do have into those people,
Speaker 1: Like I'd rather put that energy into something that I
Speaker 1: want to do, something that's fun, something that makes me
Speaker 1: feel good.
Speaker 2: And I do want to also have you talk about
Speaker 2: because you talked about how like there wasn't a lot
Speaker 2: of people for you to talk to about hopefully like
Speaker 2: these two broken off engagements. And that's another reason why
Speaker 2: I wanted to have you one, because hopefully one for you,
Speaker 2: there are other people out there that maybe can relate
Speaker 2: to you, and those conversations can start to happen for people,
Speaker 2: because it's the whole purpose of this right is to
Speaker 2: feel less alone in what you're going through.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's a really weird. There are clubs, like
Speaker 1: I will call them clubs that you're a member of
Speaker 1: and you feel like you're the only member of that
Speaker 1: club until you say it out loud and people start going,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I'm in that club. So like I'm
Speaker 1: a lot more comfortable with it now, so like and
Speaker 1: I'll just forget, like it's not an normal thing. So sometimes,
Speaker 1: like when I'm in a group of people and we're
Speaker 1: talking and it's people that don't really know me, I'm like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: and that failed engagement, well two of them and they're
Speaker 1: like wait what, And they'll be like, wait, I had
Speaker 1: a failed engagement. And so I think if you can
Speaker 1: talk about it, you'll find that there's more people that
Speaker 1: have done the same thing. They've gone through the same thing,
Speaker 1: but everybody looks at it like, oh, you failed at
Speaker 1: getting married, so like something's wrong with you. No, nothing's
Speaker 1: wrong with me, nothing's wrong. Like everything's okay. We're just
Speaker 1: gonna talk about it some more and figured.
Speaker 2: Out how the wrong people to have in your circle too, right,
Speaker 2: that's how part learned. Yeah, okay, you're not meant to
Speaker 2: be a part of my life. Yeah, if you feel
Speaker 2: that way, because I never once, any time you have
Speaker 2: ever talked to me about any of that, been like, oh,
Speaker 2: well you know this is her fault.
Speaker 1: Yeah she has issues.
Speaker 2: Every time I was like okay, well there was a reason. Yeah,
Speaker 2: you know, and like I felt very strongly about that,
Speaker 2: like there's something better out there for you, and that's
Speaker 2: how it should be. So if anybody does out there
Speaker 2: also have something in their circle, was like making them
Speaker 2: feel the shame of that, Yeah, please like leave whatever
Speaker 2: that is or don't talk to them about it if
Speaker 2: it's blood related and you don't have a choice and
Speaker 2: they're part of your family. But I you know, that's
Speaker 2: one thing I also hope too, is people just stop
Speaker 2: feeling shame for having life experiences.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like there's nothing, there's nothing wrong with it, like
Speaker 1: I I would rather have that experience than not. And
Speaker 1: I actually was talking to somebody that I'm now dating,
Speaker 1: and when we first started dating, we were talking and
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, yeah, well, just like to put
Speaker 1: it all out there, like I've had to failed engagements
Speaker 1: and they were like, well, that's all right, I'm divorced.
Speaker 1: I have a failed marriage. He's like, at least you
Speaker 1: didn't get to where I got, like, and we were
Speaker 1: making a joke about it, but it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: that's just an experience, Like that's something that has shaped
Speaker 1: me to be who I am. It's maybe made me
Speaker 1: a little softer places where I wouldn't have been soft before.
Speaker 1: And it allows me to see people in a light
Speaker 1: that maybe I didn't see him before because we're all
Speaker 1: going through stuff. We're all dealing with something, so we
Speaker 1: have to have that little bit of grace with everybody
Speaker 1: as we're dealing through throughout the day.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, it's it's become a thing, especially
Speaker 2: in just the dating culture of talking about dating, where
Speaker 2: everybody's like, well, once you hit thirty, if you're single,
Speaker 2: like I want nothing to do with that. There's a
Speaker 2: reason you are, and it goes both ways. Girls say
Speaker 2: about women, or girls say about men and men say
Speaker 2: about women. It goes both ways. And I've just never
Speaker 2: been a huge cheerleader of that because I don't think
Speaker 2: because your age has anything to do with what you
Speaker 2: bring to the table, like just because you're at a
Speaker 2: certain point. And I think things are so much different now,
Speaker 2: Like when our parents were growing up, it was so
Speaker 2: popular to get married right away. Yeah, you were heck
Speaker 2: barely out of your teens and you were married. My
Speaker 2: mom was married at twenty one. Yeah, and you had
Speaker 2: all these experiences like that so young. And now it's
Speaker 2: so much more popular to wait. And I'm so so
Speaker 2: glad that we're in that era because genuinely, I was
Speaker 2: talking to somebody about this the other day where it
Speaker 2: was like, I love you know, I just got back
Speaker 2: from an amazing Europe trip where I had the time
Speaker 2: of my life and I was so free and I
Speaker 2: met so many boys and I had fun experiences. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And had I been married at this point in my life,
Speaker 2: I would never have those stories. I would never have
Speaker 2: those experiences to remember. I would have taken that trip
Speaker 2: with a partner and it would be vastly different. Amazing
Speaker 2: and a different experience. But I'm so thankful, Like I'm
Speaker 2: the person who is literally living up every version of
Speaker 2: the single thing. So when I do get married, it's
Speaker 2: not me talking to the single people being like, hey,
Speaker 2: I wish I was single again, please live it up
Speaker 2: for me. I'd be like, no, no, no, I did all that.
Speaker 2: I'm good. Like I lived my days.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I did my experiences. I've done I've done my
Speaker 1: time as a single part. Yeah, it's it's fun to
Speaker 1: do those things. I know that I had. Also, I
Speaker 1: saw on your page like during the holidays talking about
Speaker 1: like it's Christmas and you want to be coupled up.
Speaker 1: This was my first Christmas alone in like ten years.
Speaker 2: How did that feel for you?
Speaker 1: It I was. I was actually fine with it up
Speaker 1: until I was talking to my best friend and I
Speaker 1: was like, I was like, yeah, no, I'm gonna wake
Speaker 1: up alone on Christmas and like I said it like
Speaker 1: that because it's just what it is. And she started crying.
Speaker 2: No, you aren't even the one cry I wasn't even
Speaker 2: the one crying. I'm like, why are you crying?
Speaker 1: And she's like, you're gonna be alone on Christmas? And
Speaker 1: I'm like Okay, Well, now I'm crying because I'm gonna
Speaker 1: be alone on Christmas. And I was like, why am
Speaker 1: I crying? I'm gonna get up. I'm gonna make a
Speaker 1: cup of coffee. I'm gonna sit in front of my
Speaker 1: pretty Christmas tree with my dogs. I'm gonna make myself
Speaker 1: whatever breakfast I want to eat, like I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: a great day, you know, like I don't have to
Speaker 1: wait for somebody else to get up so we can
Speaker 1: open presents and what do you want to eat? What
Speaker 1: do you want to want? Like, no, I got to
Speaker 1: do whatever I wanted to do. So leading up to it,
Speaker 1: I would say about two or three days before, I
Speaker 1: started to get a little sad because I was just like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: like no one opened presents with or whatever. But my
Speaker 1: best friend and I had gotten each other presence, so
Speaker 1: we facetimed each other. On Christmas morning, we open presents
Speaker 1: with each other and like chatted and it was it
Speaker 1: was great.
Speaker 2: See, And I think it's all about a perspective shift
Speaker 2: right where there's moments in it and it's always that same,
Speaker 2: like the two things can be true thing where like
Speaker 2: it's gonna be true that I'm gonna be sad, yeah,
Speaker 2: and it's gonna be true that I would like to
Speaker 2: share this with somebody. It's also true that I just
Speaker 2: had like the best time ever, and you just had
Speaker 2: a Christmas that you're gonna remember that you got yourself
Speaker 2: through without all of anybody else, And those things and
Speaker 2: those experiences can never be replaced. Nobody can ever take
Speaker 2: those away from us. Whereas like you have other experiences,
Speaker 2: and if you had shared it with your ex boyfriend
Speaker 2: again another Christmas with him, it would have been then
Speaker 2: again tainted, instead of you having this new experience. Even
Speaker 2: though it was hard, even though it looked differently than
Speaker 2: what you want it to look like, it was still
Speaker 2: this like very empowering at the same time moment. And
Speaker 2: I think it's really cool that we're getting to experience
Speaker 2: that because I just that that did not used to
Speaker 2: be a thing. Yeah, you know, it's very uncommon, and
Speaker 2: that's why you have so much of the older generations
Speaker 2: are like when are you getting married? When are you
Speaker 2: having kids? Because that's what people did to them, Whereas
Speaker 2: now we're like, no, no, no, okay, I've learned a
Speaker 2: lot of things and I'm good. I'm gonna wait for
Speaker 2: the right situation. If it never comes, then I'm gonna
Speaker 2: be okay. But it's just a lot of learning, it's
Speaker 2: a lot of mixed emotions constant.
Speaker 1: The mixed emotions part is what gets me. And actually,
Speaker 1: this is one of my favorite things that I've kind
Speaker 1: of learned along the way, and I learned it from
Speaker 1: my dad when I was going through the first breakup.
Speaker 1: I ended up. We got engaged, and then we broke up,
Speaker 1: and I moved from Alabama back to California, and then
Speaker 1: we eventually we ended up reconciling, and then we broke
Speaker 1: up for good. But when I was driving back from
Speaker 1: Alabama to San Diego, my dad had flown out to
Speaker 1: drive with me. We were driving back and we were
Speaker 1: in New Mexico. We had stopped for the night, and
Speaker 1: we were in the hotel room and I just out
Speaker 1: of nowhere, started like hysterically crying, and he's like, what's wrong,
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I failed, Like I failed? How did
Speaker 1: I get here? I failed? And he was like, look,
Speaker 1: you can be sad about it. You can be upset
Speaker 1: about it, he said, cry about it. But tomorrow morning,
Speaker 1: when we get up and we start driving back to
Speaker 1: San Diego. There's no more crying for tomorrow at least,
Speaker 1: Like you can cry and you can be sad, but
Speaker 1: it can't ruin your entire day. You can't let it
Speaker 1: take over everything. And I think that that's important because
Speaker 1: a lot of people try to, you know, hide or
Speaker 1: mask these feelings that they have because they're ashamed or whatever.
Speaker 1: But it's okay to feel that way. So like at
Speaker 1: Christmas time when I got sat I cried a little
Speaker 1: bit about it, you know, and then I was like, well,
Speaker 1: it's not going to ruin my entire day, Like I'm
Speaker 1: still going to have a good Christmas, Like I'm still
Speaker 1: going to do the things I want to do, you know.
Speaker 1: So I think that that's an important reminder, and I
Speaker 1: love that my dad was the person that pointed that out,
Speaker 1: Like you can cry about it, you can have a
Speaker 1: bad day about it, but it does not get to
Speaker 1: ruin your entire day. It does not get to take
Speaker 1: up your entire day because you got other's stuff you
Speaker 1: gotta do.
Speaker 2: So yeah, it reminds me also of this saying I
Speaker 2: love I love your dad, and I also just love
Speaker 2: that he was like, yes, cry, but also like let's
Speaker 2: move on it was it was both. He was trying
Speaker 2: to have you have both. Yeah, And it reminds me
Speaker 2: of this, and I always try and do it, and
Speaker 2: I do it often, like in my daily life, especially
Speaker 2: when I have just frustrations or things are happening and
Speaker 2: it's like this.
Speaker 1: And I'm totally going to butcher it.
Speaker 2: But it's if if you if it's not going to
Speaker 2: matter in five days, don't spend more than five minutes
Speaker 2: thinking about it. If it's not gonna matter in five months,
Speaker 2: don't spend more than five days thinking about it. Like
Speaker 2: it's just it's this five like quantity, and it's like
Speaker 2: every time I think about that, nothing, nothing is ever
Speaker 2: going to matter in five months, unless it's like something
Speaker 2: incredibly traumatic, like most of the time what I'm crying about, Yeah,
Speaker 2: it don't matter, yeah five days, let alone five months. Yeah,
Speaker 2: especially like this stupid boy who you know, takes me
Speaker 2: off somewhere along the line. So I also try and
Speaker 2: operate that. I think it's a similar theory to that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's okay to let it bother you, it's okay
Speaker 1: to get emotional about it, but yeah, it doesn't get
Speaker 1: to take up the entire space and it doesn't get
Speaker 1: to ruin what you're going to do down the road.
Speaker 2: You also are a great person to talk about our
Speaker 2: biological clock, which is so lovely as women that we
Speaker 2: get to have that. Yes, I love this, but this
Speaker 2: is one of your hardest parts of this whole journey.
Speaker 2: I feel like for you because something that you really want,
Speaker 2: probably more than anything else, is to have a kid
Speaker 2: of your own. That's something that you really want.
Speaker 1: I do. I do really want a kid, and I
Speaker 1: know that, like, as you get older, it gets harder.
Speaker 1: I know with some of the women in my family
Speaker 1: who have had babies at forty, you know, thirty eight,
Speaker 1: thirty nine, that it is very difficult. I also have
Speaker 1: some things that will make it more difficult for me
Speaker 1: to get pregnant naturally, Like my uterus tilts backwards, so
Speaker 1: it's gonna have a hard time doing that. I have
Speaker 1: a fibroid that's massive that kind of sits right on
Speaker 1: top of everything. So like there's all these things, and
Speaker 1: then it plays into like, Okay, am I getting older
Speaker 1: and not having a kid. Am I not meant to
Speaker 1: have kids? Am I?
Speaker 2: This? Like?
Speaker 1: And let me tell you, as you get older and
Speaker 1: you start dating older guys that either have kids or whatever.
Speaker 1: It's hard to find somebody that's like, oh, hey, yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to. I'm forty two and I want to
Speaker 1: I want another kid, you know, my current one's fourteen. Whatever.
Speaker 1: So it's a lot, and I keep having to remind
Speaker 1: myself that if it's meant for me, it's gonna happen. Like,
Speaker 1: do I want a kid, Yes, I would love to
Speaker 1: have my own kid. I'd love to have my own
Speaker 1: kid with a partner that I'm gonna stay with, though,
Speaker 1: because obviously there were opportunities for me to have a
Speaker 1: kid with somebody, but I wouldn't be with them, and
Speaker 1: my ideal would be to be with that person. But yeah,
Speaker 1: if it's meant for me, it's gonna happen.
Speaker 2: Do you feel like when we were talking at the
Speaker 2: bar that day, what I said helped you at all?
Speaker 2: Where I was like, if this is something that you
Speaker 2: feel so strongly about, like it's the Universe's way of
Speaker 2: saying like you already have it. A future version of
Speaker 2: you already has this because you feel it so deeply.
Speaker 2: It just may not look in the way that you
Speaker 2: plan for it to look. Did that help or was
Speaker 2: it that more like, Okay, I know that, but I'm
Speaker 2: just not sure.
Speaker 1: It did because you actually were the second person to
Speaker 1: tell me that. And you know, when you're going through it,
Speaker 1: like you don't really see it from a wider perspective.
Speaker 1: So it's like, Okay, maybe motherhood for me isn't going
Speaker 1: to look like I'm gonna get pregnant and carry the
Speaker 1: kid for nine months and then burthen them up. Maybe
Speaker 1: that's not what motherhood looks like for me, Like, maybe
Speaker 1: it looks like something else. Maybe I meet somebody that
Speaker 1: already has a kid, and that could kind of adopts
Speaker 1: into like I could be that you know, stepmom version.
Speaker 1: So it is helpful, but it's like, again, it goes
Speaker 1: back to that high school version. You know, when you're
Speaker 1: thinking you're in high school and you're like, oh, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I'm going to have my kid and it's going to
Speaker 1: be this way and this is how my life is
Speaker 1: supposed to be. That you get stuck in that and
Speaker 1: it's hard to get out of it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's hard to remind yourself that, like there's
Speaker 2: a there's a reason it all happened. And when you
Speaker 2: sit down and you reflect, you're like, oh, this is why,
Speaker 2: and this is why I am where I am And
Speaker 2: I didn't have kids with X, Y and Z because
Speaker 2: it wouldn't have looked as great as I I wanted
Speaker 2: it to look. Even though I would have had the
Speaker 2: kid that I wanted, it just wouldn't have been the
Speaker 2: situation you wanted. So it's easy in those situations to
Speaker 2: look back and see it. But that's a hard reminder
Speaker 2: because it's also this young version of you that still
Speaker 2: wants something to happen in the way that you dreamt
Speaker 2: it would happen.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard. And I've never been one of those
Speaker 1: girls that like wants that like fairy tale thing, but
Speaker 1: there are certain things that I'm just like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: wanted the you know, I wanted to be married and
Speaker 1: have a husband and have a kid and like have
Speaker 1: it just be like the three of us. And you know,
Speaker 1: I've always been very like set on, I just want
Speaker 1: one kid, and I want it to be the three
Speaker 1: of us, like running around on these little family adventures
Speaker 1: and this and this, and then to be at a
Speaker 1: place where it's not happened yet. I am not a
Speaker 1: patient person. That is not my strong suit, and so
Speaker 1: I've really like especially in just like these last six
Speaker 1: months have really had to learn that, like, girl, calm down,
Speaker 1: be patient because and I have been being so patient
Speaker 1: with just different things, and I know that people are
Speaker 1: probably gonna be like, Okay, whatever, the universe is hearing
Speaker 1: me being patient, and it's faan off. Like it's paying
Speaker 1: off for me in so many different ways that when
Speaker 1: I look back, if I was just the old me
Speaker 1: where maybe I just was like oh whatever, and like
Speaker 1: it wouldn't be paying off. Like I'm in such a
Speaker 1: great place now that I've learned to be patient and
Speaker 1: I've learned to just kind of all right, we're gonna
Speaker 1: go with this. Where's the universe taking me? What is
Speaker 1: it wanting me to have? Like it's it's a great
Speaker 1: time when you start to open up to that. It's
Speaker 1: also really difficult to find your way there. It is
Speaker 1: because just like you're saying, like, patience is really hard
Speaker 1: for you, I think patience is hard for anybody when
Speaker 1: they really want something because you want it, especially when
Speaker 1: you're seeing other people get it and have it in people.
Speaker 2: Your age or and where they're at. And then it
Speaker 2: starts to go back to the timelines and then all
Speaker 2: the things you're focusing on and you're like, okay, well,
Speaker 2: what's the different about what's the problem with me?
Speaker 1: But you have to not you have to think though
Speaker 1: all those people you're seeing that are getting what you want.
Speaker 1: I guarantee you it's not all sunshine rainbows, and we
Speaker 1: love to make it look we love to make it
Speaker 1: look like that, but I guarantee you that it's not.
Speaker 1: And so like it might look like that because yay
Speaker 1: social media, it's gonna look like, oh my god, look
Speaker 1: at this fancy ring, like eh, picture perfect. There's something
Speaker 1: happening behind the scenes that's probably not super great. And
Speaker 1: you could be in that situation, And do you want
Speaker 1: to be in that situation where you're like, outwardly to
Speaker 1: the world everything looks sunshine's and rainbows, but inside your
Speaker 1: lie like god, I hate it here because that was
Speaker 1: me twice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and to probably everybody else was like, oh, she's
Speaker 2: so happy she's engaged.
Speaker 1: And yeah, because there were a story thank you Facebook
Speaker 1: for reminding me of my engagement a couple of weeks back,
Speaker 1: because it happened in December, so of course it was
Speaker 1: like course, loop back at your memories. I'm like, I
Speaker 1: don't want to, but like, you know, I looked at
Speaker 1: them and I laughed because I was like, God, I
Speaker 1: was faking it so hard online that I was happy
Speaker 1: and this and that, and then I was going home
Speaker 1: to a house that was full of tension and turmoil
Speaker 1: and yelling and this, and it was just not a
Speaker 1: happy home. But everybody thought we were happy, because like
Speaker 1: when me and my second fiance broke up, it was
Speaker 1: a literal shock to his entire family. They were like,
Speaker 1: you guys were literally just at the house two weeks
Speaker 1: ago and everything was fine, like you were kissy, lovey
Speaker 1: dev I'm like, yeah, we put on a great show
Speaker 1: for everybody, but when.
Speaker 2: We're there, but closed doors is a different story.
Speaker 1: We're not even sleeping in the same bed at home.
Speaker 1: So yeah, it it's fun to romanticize it, but you
Speaker 1: have to remember, like, might not all be sunshiness and rainbows,
Speaker 1: So where you're ats not that bad.
Speaker 2: This is so true. It's a great reminder. I also
Speaker 2: wanted to ask you to did you ever look into
Speaker 2: because I know this is just a really big topic,
Speaker 2: especially going into my thirties, and it's become much more
Speaker 2: of a frequent talk, even at dinner with the girls,
Speaker 2: did you ever think about freezing your eggs? Were you
Speaker 2: ever like questioning that process becoming a single mom on
Speaker 2: your own?
Speaker 1: Was that ever conversation for you? If my mother had
Speaker 1: it her way, I would be a single mom right now.
Speaker 1: She she always likes to bring that up, and I'm
Speaker 1: not opposed to it. I don't know if I'm there yet,
Speaker 1: because again, for me, the hang up is like, in
Speaker 1: my picture perfect world, it's me, the guy and the kid,
Speaker 1: and the kid is a mix of the two of us.
Speaker 1: And so like I struggle with, you know, if I
Speaker 1: go and become a single mom and it's me and
Speaker 1: some guy over there, and then I meet my person,
Speaker 1: what happens? Because remember I only want one kid, so
Speaker 1: is my person going? Like so I struggle with that.
Speaker 1: I have thought about freezing my eggs and going in
Speaker 1: and looking at it. It's actually one of the things
Speaker 1: that I have put down as a goal for this
Speaker 1: year to do is to go and see what that
Speaker 1: looks like for me. I had talked about doing it
Speaker 1: last year, and I kept chickening out because it's another
Speaker 1: one of those harsh realities that, like, what happens if
Speaker 1: I go and they say, like yep, not for you,
Speaker 1: not in the cards. Like I didn't want to face
Speaker 1: that last year, and it's like, Okay, if I don't
Speaker 1: face it, though, I'm going to just continue on thinking
Speaker 1: everything's great and then be disappointed later. So why not
Speaker 1: figure it out now and then figure out where to
Speaker 1: go from there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a really hard decision to make too, because
Speaker 2: you're right, it is this internal conflict of like, yes,
Speaker 2: I want the answer, but do I want the answer? Yeah,
Speaker 2: because you are going to be faced with whatever reality
Speaker 2: comes with those results. But I do think there's power
Speaker 2: and knowledge. I think there's more power and knowledge than unknowing,
Speaker 2: and I think you can do more with that knowledge
Speaker 2: versus having nothing to go off of. But that being said,
Speaker 2: I do This is why it's such a hot topic
Speaker 2: at so many girl dinners is it's such an individual
Speaker 2: experience and everybody has a different idea of what that's
Speaker 2: going to look like. So I just wanted people to
Speaker 2: hear yours in case it can be related for them.
Speaker 2: I'm not there yet. I'm sure that could be a
Speaker 2: topic of conversation for me in a couple of years.
Speaker 2: And it's also a thing for me that I think
Speaker 2: I've kind of turned myself off of ever having kids
Speaker 2: because there is a very high likelihood that I have intometriosis.
Speaker 2: And I haven't even walked down that road because I
Speaker 2: haven't even had a partner to even start thinking in
Speaker 2: that direction. Because there isn't much different than you. I
Speaker 2: don't have such a strong desire that if I am
Speaker 2: by myself, I don't care to have them by myself,
Speaker 2: I'll just adopt like five thousand animals and also be
Speaker 2: might find that works for me. But like, I do
Speaker 2: want them if I am to find the right partner
Speaker 2: or the right situation. So, but there is a part
Speaker 2: of me for a long time where I've always been like,
Speaker 2: I don't think I want kids, And I think this
Speaker 2: is this like subconscious Morgan deep down being like, I
Speaker 2: don't know that I can have kids. So if I
Speaker 2: just start convincing myself I don't want them, then maybe
Speaker 2: it won't be so bad when I find out that news.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it it's scary. It's definitely a hard thing to tackle,
Speaker 1: and then convincing yourself that you don't want something is
Speaker 1: a lot easier than telling yourself you want it and
Speaker 1: then figuring out how to get it because Okay, how
Speaker 1: to get a candy bar is a lot easier than
Speaker 1: finger out how do I get a kid? Like especially
Speaker 1: because it's like, okay, kid by yourself, kid with somebody else,
Speaker 1: kid with it, you know. But yeah, I didn't know
Speaker 1: that actually Prounca Toapra froze her eggs. That's how her
Speaker 1: and her Jonas brother got their babies or baby. I
Speaker 1: think it's just one too, yeah, maybe two now I
Speaker 1: thought it was too. I don't know. I'm not up
Speaker 1: on the gossip, but yeah, I didn't realize that she
Speaker 1: did that at thirty. She did at thirty. She's in
Speaker 1: her mid to late thirties now, so she did that
Speaker 1: early on and didn't tell anybody. And I I've got
Speaker 1: a friend of mine that I went to high school
Speaker 1: with who's doing fertility right now, and she started an
Speaker 1: entire Instagram page that's just dedicated to her fertility journey,
Speaker 1: which is insane watching her go through this. So there's
Speaker 1: a lot on social media. So maybe you know you're
Speaker 1: like me where you're a little bit older than your
Speaker 1: friends and so what you're going through is not what
Speaker 1: they're going through. There are ways to find on social media.
Speaker 1: Those people going through what you're going through, so you
Speaker 1: don't feel so alone, so you have somebody to look
Speaker 1: at and talk to in this and that. But I
Speaker 1: think you know, if you go and freeze your eggs, right,
Speaker 1: what's it hurting If you decide you don't want kids anymore? Okay,
Speaker 1: you don't want kids, but if you decide that you
Speaker 1: do and you frozen when you were thirty, you might
Speaker 1: have a more successful chance at having that kid at forty.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So see, and this is why, like it's it's
Speaker 2: cool to talk to your friends because like, and I know,
Speaker 2: I just know guys don't have these conversations.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, they're not having these conversations where you're like,
Speaker 1: do you praise your eggs? What are you going to do?
Speaker 2: And they're like, uh, did you catch that team last night?
Speaker 3: Right?
Speaker 2: Did you see that football?
Speaker 1: Cat?
Speaker 2: Very drastically different conversations. But it is interesting that there
Speaker 2: it's just as you mature and you get older that
Speaker 2: these are now the topic of conversation. So thank you
Speaker 2: for sharing and like being vulnerable about all of it,
Speaker 2: not just the egg freezing in the conversation with that,
Speaker 2: but talking about the potential of having kids in the
Speaker 2: broken engagements and stuff, because those are hard conversations, but
Speaker 2: I thought they were really important. So I'm really glad
Speaker 2: you came on.
Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. It feels good to it feels
Speaker 1: good to talk about it. And like if anybody's listening
Speaker 1: and they've been through that, like you're not alone. It happens,
Speaker 1: and it's not you're you didn't do anything wrong, it's
Speaker 1: not your fault, and it just means that there is
Speaker 1: something better that's going to come along for you. Because
Speaker 1: I know there's something better coming along for me. I'm
Speaker 1: ready for it.
Speaker 2: There absolutely is. I know that there's a beautiful life,
Speaker 2: even more beautiful than the one that you dreamt up
Speaker 2: in high school, and it's waiting for you somewhere, and
Speaker 2: it's only a matter of time. I know that. I
Speaker 2: know that in my heart, gut, soul, whichever one you
Speaker 2: want to hear from, I.
Speaker 1: Know that perfect.
Speaker 2: Thanks again, Kate.
Speaker 1: Thanks.
Speaker 2: We went through a series of highs and lows in
Speaker 2: this episode, all in the space of relationships and finding
Speaker 2: that forever person. So whether you're single or with someone,
Speaker 2: I hope this episode found you in the space that
Speaker 2: you needed it. Thanks for being here and more to come.
Speaker 2: Next week. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and
Speaker 2: follow on Instagram at Take This Personally. Let me know
Speaker 2: if there's anyone you want me to bring on as
Speaker 2: a guest, whether it's an expert or a real person,
Speaker 2: just hit me up in the DMS.