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Speaker 1: This episode contains sensitive topics. Listening discretion is a vice. Hey,

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Speaker 1: professional homegirls, it's shagirl ebine here, and I hope all's cute.

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Speaker 1: Now we are back with a phg rewind episode, and

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Speaker 1: this time we're revisiting one of my favorite conversations from

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Speaker 1: season one. Now, in this episode, my guest opens up

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Speaker 1: about her journey with mental health, including surviving two suicide attempts. Now,

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Speaker 1: it made this episode so special to me. It wasn't

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Speaker 1: just her transparency and just being vulnerable, but it was

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Speaker 1: also just how educational and necessary this conversation was it

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Speaker 1: still is to this day.

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Speaker 2: And y'all.

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Speaker 1: I also thought it was kind of funny because, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, as we on this break and we're gearing

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Speaker 1: up for season three, I'm always like listening to old

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Speaker 1: conversations to like, you know, just to see what I

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Speaker 1: could have done better I'm selling myself or things of

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Speaker 1: that nature. And when I was listening to this conversation

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Speaker 1: and she was saying how like she was homicidal, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, girl, like what does that mean? So

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Speaker 1: she was like, what you mean? What that mean? Like

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Speaker 1: exactly what it said? And I wanted to be like, well, bait,

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Speaker 1: should you catch your body or something like what's the tea?

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Speaker 1: So I was just like, yeah, this is a good conversation,

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Speaker 1: especially since we are in the month of Mental health Awareness.

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Speaker 1: I really do hope that you all, if you were

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Speaker 1: someone you love has ever struggled with mental health and

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Speaker 1: you struggling with it to this day, I hope this

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Speaker 1: episode reminds you that healing is possible, okay, and that

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Speaker 1: you are not alone. And like the great Jerry Springer

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Speaker 1: once said, please take care of yourself and take care

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Speaker 1: of each other. So get ready, because I survived suicide twice.

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Speaker 1: Starts now listen, y'all. My guess she's a superhero, she said,

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Speaker 1: her staving the world one person at a time. So

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Speaker 1: I'm super excited to have you on the shelve. So

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us. Of course, So

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Speaker 1: I imagine that sharing your personal story can be difficult.

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Speaker 1: How challenging has it been for you to open up

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Speaker 1: about your experiences and share them with others?

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Speaker 2: To be very truthful it honestly, okay, I'm happy that

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Speaker 2: you asked this question. This is an initial question. I

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Speaker 2: had an experience yesterday where I was preparing for a

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Speaker 2: speech and doing a lot of practicing and writing and

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Speaker 2: timing all those things that go into it. And I

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Speaker 2: got emotional. And that's the first time that that's happened

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Speaker 2: in an extremely long time. Wow. And it was really

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Speaker 2: more so because I was thinking about all those individuals

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Speaker 2: that are currently in the position that I was in, say,

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Speaker 2: eight to nine years ago. So the story isn't difficult

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Speaker 2: to tell now. I had to get to a space

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Speaker 2: in my healing journey where it was comfortable and I

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Speaker 2: was okay with being this transparent. But the times that

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Speaker 2: it gets emotional isn't necessarily for myself, but just kind

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Speaker 2: of empathizing with individuals that are going through those challenges

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Speaker 2: at that time.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that has to be like difficult and really hard.

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Speaker 1: I can only imagine just hearing somebody else story and

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Speaker 1: I just be like, damn, Like I just wish I

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Speaker 1: could just take it all away from you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure.

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Speaker 1: What do you believe are some of the factors that

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Speaker 1: contribute to higher rates of suicide within our community?

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Speaker 2: Oh? Man, what doesn't right?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, when I was thinking about this question, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I feel like just being black in America is like

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Speaker 1: you break us, right.

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Speaker 2: It's definitely a lot. I mean, the first being environmental honestly,

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Speaker 2: so the areas that and I don't want to say

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Speaker 2: this is if our entire community lives in this manner,

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Speaker 2: but being realistic, is that financial hardship, not growing up

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Speaker 2: in full family homes, just a lot of different things violence,

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Speaker 2: you know, I mean there's a lot of different things

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Speaker 2: that are going on that affect us. And then seeing

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Speaker 2: violence on TV against our community, on social media, on

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Speaker 2: social media against our community every day is very much,

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Speaker 2: so impactful. But bigger than that lack of resources, lack

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Speaker 2: of education and lack of understanding and research for our

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Speaker 2: actual community and how ye lack of support, but how

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Speaker 2: those outside forces are affecting those numbers. So there's a

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Speaker 2: lack of research is why we can't even answer this question.

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Speaker 2: We know, but people aren't able to help us because

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Speaker 2: they're not necessarily putting us in those numbers of what

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Speaker 2: is making us more vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good point. When I was doing research

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Speaker 1: on this, somebody said that lack of representation within this

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Speaker 1: and I was like, Yo, that's so serious because in

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Speaker 1: our community is so like taboo.

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Speaker 2: Yes, very much.

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Speaker 1: Why do you think some people believe that? Asking someone

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Speaker 1: about their suicidal thoughts or intention could actually lead to

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Speaker 1: them considering or attempting suicide, rather than providing the opportunity

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Speaker 1: for support and intervention.

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Speaker 2: I think it's based on fear on the other person's side,

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Speaker 2: so not knowing how to react if that person were

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Speaker 2: to say yes. So going back to stigma again, it's

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Speaker 2: just like if we don't have understanding of how to

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Speaker 2: support somebody, if that answer order come back, it's easier

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Speaker 2: for us to say, you know what, I'm not going

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Speaker 2: to ask it at all. Right, So it's very easy

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Speaker 2: to simply not ask it again, and then to take

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Speaker 2: on the idea, and that to take on the false

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Speaker 2: idea that you're actually implanting that idea into somebody's head

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Speaker 2: or putting that thought into somebody's head when it's the

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Speaker 2: exact opposite. Just like you said, what.

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Speaker 1: Would you say are some common misconceptions about this?

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Speaker 2: Oh? Man? That it's selfish? I would say that's the

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Speaker 2: biggest one. Another misconception is that it is is only

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Speaker 2: young people do it, yeah, and only others do it,

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Speaker 2: that black people don't. Right, There are a lot, but

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Speaker 2: I would definitely say the biggest one I hear is

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Speaker 2: it's selfish, and I did it other science.

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Speaker 1: How do you feel about that when people say that

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Speaker 1: it's selfish? Because I had a conversation with another guest

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Speaker 1: and her father committed suicide, and then she gave a

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Speaker 1: two part question on how she felt about it before

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Speaker 1: and now being able to you know, since she experienced

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Speaker 1: it afterwards. So how do you feel about it when

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Speaker 1: people say it's a selfish decision?

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Speaker 2: I can understand it. And I know a lot of

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Speaker 2: people talk out of grief and out of pain, and

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Speaker 2: everybody experiences things differently. And that's honestly not even just

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Speaker 2: with suicide. Anytime that we lose something, lose somebody, it's

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Speaker 2: always a space of Okay, well that was selfish in

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Speaker 2: a way of how just happened. They took this from me,

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Speaker 2: something was taken for me, right, So I don't take

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Speaker 2: offense to what It's just an opportunity to educate and

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Speaker 2: to have that conversation and to move past it. So

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Speaker 2: I don't necessarily like get angry about it. It's just like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: well that's perfectly fine that she feel that way, but

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Speaker 2: let's talk about it. How can we help shape and

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Speaker 2: change the narrative?

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Speaker 1: I feel like you a real patient person.

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Speaker 2: I am.

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Speaker 1: I can say a lot like for somebody to piss

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Speaker 1: you off, they gotta be od and on you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, like you probably be like, no, this is how

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Speaker 1: it's happen. It does not happen like this.

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Speaker 2: Like there is another side, So you know, it does

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Speaker 2: take a lot for that to come out. It's funny.

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Speaker 2: I was in therapy years ago when I first started

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Speaker 2: in my early twenties, and I used to have a

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Speaker 2: lot of anger issues and challenges. And I was telling

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Speaker 2: my therapist like a dream I had about fighting somebody, you.

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Speaker 1: Probably sucked them up in a dream I did.

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Speaker 2: And she was like, I didn't know that this was

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Speaker 2: something that we needed to work on. She's like, you

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Speaker 2: just I never got that for me. I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I can get there. Oh it's a lot better, but

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Speaker 2: that is definitely a side.

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Speaker 1: Let me find that you got them hand chew. So

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Speaker 1: what were your initial thoughts when news of the pandemic

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Speaker 1: first emerged and it became clear that the outbreak had

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Speaker 1: the potential to become a global health crisis.

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Speaker 2: I think that my initial reaction one was how scary

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Speaker 2: it was going to be for just the world, our

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Speaker 2: community and what was ahead, which was essentially having to

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Speaker 2: take a step back and look at ourselves. I recognized

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Speaker 2: the I'm not going to say danger, but the challenge

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Speaker 2: of sitting with ourselves in silence, which is really essentially

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Speaker 2: what everybody was forced to do. So everybody was forced

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Speaker 2: on this sealing journey instead of you know, filling ourselves.

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Speaker 2: It's only so much netl you can watch. It's only

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Speaker 2: so much Hulu that you can watch until you get

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Speaker 2: exactly until you're just like, I'm stuck with myself and

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Speaker 2: all these things start to surface. So I was nervous

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Speaker 2: about that. But on a personal note, in my initial

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Speaker 2: healing journey that started a while back, that was tough

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Speaker 2: for me being with Page and it was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I have to face all of these things. So it

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Speaker 2: was just it was I found it to be interesting,

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Speaker 2: and I was scared. I was sad, and then just

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Speaker 2: the uncertainty of it all was definitely anxiety provoking, so

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Speaker 2: a range of emotions, but nothing about it was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: this is exciting, Like right, yeah, that's.

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Speaker 1: My next question. How did the pandemic affect your mental health?

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Speaker 2: It was quite the opposite for me, Like I like

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Speaker 2: being to myself, but it forced me to develop skills

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Speaker 2: that I did not have prior to and I'm seeking

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Speaker 2: Like in my career, I loved doing speaking engagements, I

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Speaker 2: loved doing workshops that I enjoy being in person, so

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Speaker 2: being forced to do it on zoom was totally different.

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Speaker 2: So I had to step up my personality via camera

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, I'm camera shy. So that was really

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Speaker 2: really hard career wise. But as far as like mentally,

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Speaker 2: I had already been in therapy, I had already built

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Speaker 2: out a pretty strong support system, so it just strengthened.

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Speaker 2: If anything else, it was like, Okay, I know how

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Speaker 2: to handle isolation, I know how to reach out for

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Speaker 2: resources and things like that. So I'm not going to

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Speaker 2: say it didn't impact me, but it wasn't detrimental whatsoever.

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Speaker 1: When did you become aware of the increases in suicide

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Speaker 1: race during the pandemic and what were your thoughts on it.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I think that it just I'm gonna say

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Speaker 2: it just happened, But the need for crisis intervention increase,

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Speaker 2: the need for workshops increase, so just the need for

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Speaker 2: mental health services increase, So that was probably my initial instinct.

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Speaker 2: But again recognizing what was ahead was definitely like a

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Speaker 2: red flag like, hey, something's about to kind of surface,

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Speaker 2: for sure, because I.

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Speaker 1: Definitely feel like the race went up even more during

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Speaker 1: the pandemic.

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I don't know the exact number, but yeah.

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Speaker 1: And do you think that mental health and suicide race

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Speaker 1: were discussed enough in the media during a pandemic.

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Speaker 2: I'm not really a TV girl, so to prop will say, yeah,

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Speaker 2: I don't. I don't know. I think it was a

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Speaker 2: I'll talk like as far as youth, I think it

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Speaker 2: brought about a conversation of what's better for our kids

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Speaker 2: to stay home or to go back to school, Like

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Speaker 2: what's going to be better for them emotionally, socially and

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Speaker 2: things like that. So I people believed that a lot

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Speaker 2: of conversations were brought to light that I appreciated, such

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Speaker 2: as sending kids home without knowing what their home life

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Speaker 2: was like and putting them back in situations where school

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Speaker 2: essentially was their safe have event. So, as far as

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Speaker 2: my understanding of it, it was a little bit different

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Speaker 2: because I worked in the school system. So again, when

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Speaker 2: you ask that original question of what were my initial

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Speaker 2: thoughts and the pandemic first happened, it definitely went out

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Speaker 2: to like my babies, like the kids that I was

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Speaker 2: working with.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I definitely feel like I mean, everyone was affected

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Speaker 1: by the pandemic, but I feel like the kids were

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Speaker 1: affected the most.

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Speaker 2: Hm for sure. For sure, Yeah, I absolutely agree mm hm.

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Speaker 1: And do you think that the long term effects of

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Speaker 1: the pandemic might still be affecting everyone's mental health? And

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Speaker 1: if so, what can we do about it?

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Speaker 2: I definitely going to be a long term effect. I

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Speaker 2: think that us being isolated and being forced to be

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Speaker 2: with ourselves was necessary because it kind of brought mental

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Speaker 2: health to the frontline. It was a buzzing topic and

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Speaker 2: it was a buzzing conversation. But once it hit I

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Speaker 2: think everybody finally recognized, Hey, we all have mental health.

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Speaker 2: There's a difference between mental health and mental illness, and

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Speaker 2: I think that's an important thing to talk about and

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Speaker 2: to bring about. So yeah, what was your second part

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Speaker 2: for the question.

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Speaker 1: So what do you think we can do about it?

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Speaker 2: I think we can essentially practice being proactive with our

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Speaker 2: mental health, so implementing different coping skills such as meditation, journaling,

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Speaker 2: those basic things that we can apply in our everyday lifestyle.

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Speaker 2: Learning those breathing exercises, being proactive with our mental health,

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Speaker 2: which is my hole motto, is essentially preparing for what

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Speaker 2: could come and having those skills if they do get worse.

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Speaker 2: So I think everybody flocking to therapy, everybody flocking to resources,

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Speaker 2: was very powerful because now we're equipping ourselves for what

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Speaker 2: could be long term. So I'm I'm a realist, So

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Speaker 2: I'm not going to be like, oh, it was such

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Speaker 2: a great thing, but I do believe that there were

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Speaker 2: a lot of positives that came out of it. It became

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Speaker 2: very action oriented instead of just the conversation.

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Speaker 1: Now, were you familiar with the concept of suicide before

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Speaker 1: your first attempt? And then so, how did you know

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Speaker 1: about it?

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Speaker 2: I was not. I had no idea. I had no

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Speaker 2: idea about suicide. I had no idea about anxiety, depression,

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Speaker 2: suicidal ideations. I had no I was twelve, rightie. And

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Speaker 2: so it was a time in our community. Gosh, I

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Speaker 2: was what two thousand and two, Oh wow, yeah, two

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Speaker 2: thousand and two.

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Speaker 1: Damn, that was twenty years ago, right, yes, wow?

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Speaker 2: So yeah, and that was at a time where we

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Speaker 2: didn't talk about mental health at all. We didn't talk

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Speaker 2: about health until not too long ago, recently, right, recently.

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Speaker 2: So without having that conversation, without having those resources, you

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Speaker 2: don't really have the language. And that's what's really important.

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Speaker 1: We're in the same age group. So just when I

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Speaker 1: was growing up, like nobody talked about it, and now

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Speaker 1: you can't. You can't stop hearing it, like it's everywhere,

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Speaker 1: which is a great thing because it gives people a

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Speaker 1: space to be able to express how they feel. But

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Speaker 1: I'm just like, wow, like we just started doing this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, but you know, I think it's interesting that you

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Speaker 2: said that because a lot of peopeople are like well,

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Speaker 2: and the numbers are rising, but a lot of it

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Speaker 2: has to do with proper reporting. So if somebody passes

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Speaker 2: by suicide, and again, like going back to language, that's

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Speaker 2: another thing that we like to say, is passed by suicide,

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Speaker 2: die by suicide. It just because when we say commit,

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Speaker 2: it often brings the idea of a negative connotation, Right,

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Speaker 2: So when you hear somebody say commit a crime, or

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Speaker 2: commit murder or do this this or that, it brings

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Speaker 2: again this negative idea of somebody that was simply just

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Speaker 2: in pain. Yeah. So that's something that I learned just

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Speaker 2: a few years ago, and it's consistently changing, but currently

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Speaker 2: that's the language that we use when talking about suicide.

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Speaker 2: But when it comes to proper reporting, a lot of

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Speaker 2: things go into that. If somebody passes by suicide, that

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Speaker 2: brings up challenges with life insurance, right, it brings up

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Speaker 2: challenges with with stigma because do life is shure. I

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Speaker 2: don't want to say yeah or nay. I don't want

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Speaker 2: to be incorrect and provide false information. I just know

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Speaker 2: that it's probably not the easiest thing to get situated. Right. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: I don't want to provide wrong information on that, so

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Speaker 2: I'll just throw that out there. But it does bring

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Speaker 2: up a lot of challenges following. And then a lot

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Speaker 2: of families don't want to say, like, hey, my family

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Speaker 2: member passed by suicide, so they don't report it as such,

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Speaker 2: So it could be reported as an overdo So can

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Speaker 2: we reported as so many other things instead of actually

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Speaker 2: what it is? So I think that we're having this

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Speaker 2: conversation now. Yeah, we're having the conversation now to where

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Speaker 2: people are comfortable enough to say, no, this is what happened,

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Speaker 2: this is our situation, and so forth. So reporting has

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Speaker 2: a lot to do with it.

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Speaker 1: What was your upbringing like, it was great.

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Speaker 2: Both of my parents are.

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Speaker 1: I know your mom was a doctor.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, my mom's an attorney. My dad was an entrepreneur.

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Speaker 1: She was a doctor.

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Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, she's an attorney. And it was

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Speaker 2: it was beautiful, went to you a great school, had

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Speaker 2: a great upbringing. But I started having sexual abuse when

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Speaker 2: I was twelve, I believe until I was eighteen. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 2: So you know, there are a lot of things that

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Speaker 2: go beyond what something looks like. I did an interview

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Speaker 2: a while ago, and the introduction of me was interesting.

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Speaker 2: She's like, yeah, she was the first one I knew

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Speaker 2: that drove a bins and she had all this, this

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Speaker 2: and that, and I had to take a step back

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Speaker 2: and I'm like, hey, like, one, I don't like to

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Speaker 2: be introduced as such, and two, there isn't a face

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Speaker 2: to mental illness. There isn't a face to suicide. There

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Speaker 2: isn't a face to mental health challenges whatsoever. So I

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Speaker 2: think I got looked over a lot because of what

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Speaker 2: I had or what my upbringing was like. And then

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Speaker 2: I also felt validated in my feelings because I did

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Speaker 2: have such an awesome upbringing. So outside of that particular trauma.

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Speaker 2: I was just a child that was struggling emotionally all

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Speaker 2: the way around.

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Speaker 1: And nobody knew what was going on with you.

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Speaker 2: No, no, you know, we know how to hide stuff, right.

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Speaker 1: You know What's so funny when I was doing research

335
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Speaker 1: right on your particular story, and I was like, damn,

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Speaker 1: Like she comes from a good family, like you have

337
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Speaker 1: a really good upbringing. So I was one of those

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Speaker 1: people that was like, I wonder what made her like

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Speaker 1: have that first attempt, And I was like, it had

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Speaker 1: to be something. And it never dawned on me that

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Speaker 1: it was sexual abuse, because I'm like, what else could

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Speaker 1: it be?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's actually a piece of my story that has

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Speaker 2: always been a missing link because I wasn't in the

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Speaker 2: space and you asked me the question earlier, is it

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Speaker 2: hard to tell my story? I'm now just in the

347
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Speaker 2: space of that piece of my story being okay to

348
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Speaker 2: tell because it's mine to tell. And when it comes

349
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Speaker 2: to that topic, it gets so icky, and it gets

350
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Speaker 2: so just nasty. People are nasty, The price is nasty.

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Speaker 2: You still have family members, like it's just not just

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Speaker 2: one individual that's involved. So now I'm in a current

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Speaker 2: space of healing. I'm in a good place of plugging

354
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Speaker 2: that in. But it wasn't until I did an interview

355
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Speaker 2: with people digital, maybe like a year or so ago,

356
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Speaker 2: and they kept harping on it and pushing it and pushing. Okay,

357
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Speaker 2: what made you have your first attempt?

358
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Speaker 1: And I'm like, because that was my next question, what

359
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,760
Speaker 1: lay up to your first attempt?

360
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Speaker 2: Yeah?

361
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Speaker 1: Because I couldn't figure it out.

362
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I was like, I don't want to talk about like,

363
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Speaker 2: and I didn't recognize that it was such a missing

364
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Speaker 2: link because I gotten so used to giving this speech

365
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,000
Speaker 2: and this story of what I felt safe doing, and

366
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Speaker 2: I stand by that, like, I'm happy I didn't share

367
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Speaker 2: at that point in time in my life, which is

368
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Speaker 2: very important. Was Yeah, So understanding what you're comfort with

369
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,040
Speaker 2: and what you're able to actually talk about if you

370
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:05,560
Speaker 2: are in a place of advocacy, it's key because you

371
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Speaker 2: can't help anybody if you're still hurting.

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Speaker 1: Wow, you got my brain like going now because now

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Speaker 1: it makes sense because one of the things I read

374
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Speaker 1: in that article was how you always felt a sense

375
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Speaker 1: of sadness. But I can see why.

376
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Speaker 2: Yeah, for the sure, and.

377
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Speaker 1: From twelve to eighteen that's a long time.

378
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Speaker 2: Yeah.

379
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Speaker 1: Wow, So I mean when you're ready to tell. Do

380
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Speaker 1: your family know who did it?

381
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:39,800
Speaker 2: Or yes, yes, they're aware.

382
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Speaker 1: And I'm assuming as someone in the family.

383
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Speaker 2: Yeah it was a family member, it was a cousin.

384
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Speaker 1: Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

385
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:52,440
Speaker 2: Oh what'sn't okay? But I'm still in a healing space

386
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:56,160
Speaker 2: when it comes to that, Like I'm not totally like, yeah,

387
00:21:56,280 --> 00:22:01,280
Speaker 2: let's go into detail, right, Yeah, but it is a

388
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:10,160
Speaker 2: topic that I am moving and like just moving through. Yeah, navigating,

389
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:12,960
Speaker 2: perfect word, Yeah, still navigating. Right.

390
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Speaker 1: So how did you know to take a lot of

391
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:18,399
Speaker 1: pills doing your first attempt? If you did, if you

392
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,480
Speaker 1: wasn't familiar with suicide.

393
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Speaker 2: You know, honestly, I can't even tell you that that's

394
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 2: such a great question. Never even been asked that before.

395
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Speaker 2: And it was such a dark time and such a

396
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,440
Speaker 2: blocked out time for me that that was just instinct.

397
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:39,600
Speaker 2: So maybe, yeah, it was instinct for me. I was

398
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:42,080
Speaker 2: in the I mean, I was in the bathroom and

399
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,560
Speaker 2: I just saw medication. I decided to take it. So

400
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 2: I don't know if that's such a good question. I

401
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 2: never even thought about why or how I need to

402
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,399
Speaker 2: do so interesting.

403
00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:54,160
Speaker 1: When I tell you I was researching you because.

404
00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,040
Speaker 2: I'm like, you better than people.

405
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Speaker 1: Okay, oh come on now, don't play with the fressonal homegirl.

406
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,640
Speaker 2: We're gonna get to that. I love it. I love it, but.

407
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Speaker 1: I'm just thinking of a twelve year old psyche, like

408
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,800
Speaker 1: you never knew anything about it. You're twelve years old,

409
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,800
Speaker 1: So it's like, what made you do that? Because I

410
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:13,600
Speaker 1: interview another guest and she was saying how what made

411
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Speaker 1: her decide to do try to do suicide was she

412
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,520
Speaker 1: saw it on cartoon and I was like what, I'm like,

413
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Speaker 1: I wonder how you found out.

414
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:26,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know again, I didn't necessarily have the language

415
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 2: to say, hey, this is what's happening. I do for

416
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,239
Speaker 2: a fact that I didn't want to live anymore. And

417
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,639
Speaker 2: that's something you don't have to research. That's something you

418
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:37,879
Speaker 2: don't have to look up. I just knew that I

419
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,120
Speaker 2: wanted it to stop. So as a child, the only

420
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,439
Speaker 2: connection I can make is that you take one peel

421
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 2: and makes your head stop, if you take multiple and

422
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,640
Speaker 2: make everything stop. So that's the only type of connection

423
00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,560
Speaker 2: that I can make. But as far as like getting

424
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Speaker 2: on Google and doing all of that, I don't.

425
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,479
Speaker 1: Know, right, But we didn't have Google back then, did we?

426
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Speaker 2: I don't know, girl a long time. I know there's

427
00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:05,480
Speaker 2: this post that's like, you don't believe me or my

428
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 2: kids or whoever doesn't believe me when I say I'm

429
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,320
Speaker 2: older than Google, because Google really isn't that old. And

430
00:24:12,359 --> 00:24:13,840
Speaker 2: I'm right.

431
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:18,159
Speaker 1: I think I think YouTube is like what fifteen?

432
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:22,640
Speaker 2: If that? Though? It's so wild, I know.

433
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:26,199
Speaker 1: So when you woke up the next day, how did

434
00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,399
Speaker 1: you feel sad?

435
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:33,440
Speaker 2: Yeah? I felt very sad, and I felt this burden

436
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 2: of I now have this bigger secret than what I

437
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:45,159
Speaker 2: had before, which is I have depression and again not

438
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:48,200
Speaker 2: knowing the language at the time, I'm using it properly now.

439
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 2: So I called it like a secret. So now that

440
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:58,600
Speaker 2: I not only have the secret of not wanting to

441
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 2: be happier, not feeling happy and having these feelings of anxiety,

442
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,560
Speaker 2: but I also tried to take my own life. These

443
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,639
Speaker 2: are all secrets that I was a twelve year old

444
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:11,679
Speaker 2: girl having. So it was more so of sadness that

445
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 2: it didn't work and that it was a space of burden. Yeah,

446
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:21,960
Speaker 2: I felt very burdened.

447
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,200
Speaker 1: Were you angry?

448
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, very much.

449
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:31,320
Speaker 1: So What are some signs of symptoms that should that

450
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 1: parents or caregivers or educators should be aware of that

451
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:39,480
Speaker 1: may indicate a childice experience suicidal thoughts or behaviors.

452
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would say isolation would be number one. So

453
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,120
Speaker 2: you know, it's completely fine wanting to have the time.

454
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,040
Speaker 2: I think we all need you time. I was just

455
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:54,520
Speaker 2: selling my doctor the other day, actually Monday, I had

456
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:59,680
Speaker 2: an appointment. Oh, today's Wednesday, So Tuesday, yesterday, I had today,

457
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,640
Speaker 2: feel like Thursday, right Friday. It feels like someday. That's

458
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:08,920
Speaker 2: not today, all right. But yeah, So she was just asking, essentially,

459
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,000
Speaker 2: like how I was feeling. I was like, I'm not isolating,

460
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,639
Speaker 2: but I'm chilling, like i want to be by myself

461
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,800
Speaker 2: a little bit because I'm working so much. She's like,

462
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:18,320
Speaker 2: that's fair. So I would definitely point out isolation. I

463
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 2: isolated a lot at that time in my life. Lack

464
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:28,400
Speaker 2: of sleep or sleeping too much, anything that's disturbing, an appetite,

465
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:35,000
Speaker 2: so lack of appetite, anxious feelings, crying spells. A lot

466
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,960
Speaker 2: of things that we write off is in oh, they're

467
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,400
Speaker 2: just being a presen or they're just being a teenager.

468
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,960
Speaker 2: Definitely deserved to be looked into a little bit more

469
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:47,160
Speaker 2: and it's really just by asking those questions like, hey,

470
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,080
Speaker 2: what was good in your day? What was bad in

471
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:53,119
Speaker 2: your day? Right? Not just asking how was your day,

472
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:56,200
Speaker 2: because a kid and even adults will say I'm fine

473
00:26:56,359 --> 00:26:59,119
Speaker 2: or today was fine. Yes, somebody how they're doing, like

474
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 2: I'm good instead of saying, honey, how are you feeling?

475
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 2: That's actually forcing them to identify something that's going on

476
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,840
Speaker 2: on the inside, which is really important. So isolation, lack

477
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 2: of sleep, change and appetite, change in mood, crying spouse.

478
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 2: I would point those out.

479
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,159
Speaker 1: Now, ten years later, you made a second attempt at

480
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,399
Speaker 1: the age of twenty two. Can you share some of

481
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,240
Speaker 1: those events of factors that led up to this time.

482
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 1: One thing I will say, when you were talking about

483
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:29,760
Speaker 1: college and not having no money and being stressed out,

484
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:34,400
Speaker 1: I was like, man, I definitely feel home that because

485
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,560
Speaker 1: I had a great time in college, but it was hard,

486
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:38,200
Speaker 1: especially when you didn't have no money.

487
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:42,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, college was not I didn't enjoy school even as

488
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,880
Speaker 2: a kid. Really no, I didn't. I mean, and when

489
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 2: I got to college, it wasn't the school part I enjoyed.

490
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:51,560
Speaker 2: I loved to party, and you know that was like

491
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:55,199
Speaker 2: a piece of college. And once I got serious about

492
00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:59,280
Speaker 2: my academics and I got stable. Then it changed for me.

493
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:06,920
Speaker 2: But to answer your question, I was extremely sleep deprived.

494
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,400
Speaker 2: I was experiencing a lot of symptoms of bipolar disorder,

495
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:14,240
Speaker 2: which I didn't know at the time, but without sleep,

496
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 2: with heavy drinking, heavy smoking, just a lot going on,

497
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,720
Speaker 2: a lot of Yeah, I was twenty four to seven.

498
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 2: It wasn't even about you probably wouldn't even know I

499
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 2: was under the Inflo's high maybe, but everything else was

500
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 2: trybably like oh, she's just chilling, And it was really

501
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 2: just me attempting to maintain some form of stability, some

502
00:28:36,119 --> 00:28:38,840
Speaker 2: type of like hoping I don't have a mood thing

503
00:28:38,920 --> 00:28:42,400
Speaker 2: within the next thirty minutes type thing, and I just

504
00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 2: got I was just exhausted, like I really was. I

505
00:28:46,200 --> 00:28:49,360
Speaker 2: was just exhausted. So I was probably on like two

506
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:53,840
Speaker 2: to three days of not sleeping, and I just remember

507
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:57,800
Speaker 2: being at school and again choosing the rout of medication,

508
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,520
Speaker 2: and I was like, I just I can't, I can't

509
00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 2: do this. I can't do this. And then I had

510
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 2: been I had been living with suicide ideation since I

511
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:13,280
Speaker 2: was a kid, so it wasn't just something that popped

512
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,800
Speaker 2: back up. I had been not wanting to live for

513
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,040
Speaker 2: a very long time. But I was hospitalized and so forth.

514
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:20,240
Speaker 2: But I'm sure we'll get there.

515
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 1: Yeah. Wait, so that any of your friends noticed it,

516
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:27,520
Speaker 1: anything that was going on to in college.

517
00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:31,200
Speaker 2: Or I talked to a girlfriend of mine from high

518
00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:36,760
Speaker 2: school and I was just sharing with her that I

519
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:40,800
Speaker 2: needed help. And I didn't necessarily know what it would

520
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:44,840
Speaker 2: look like, but I think that individuals around me recognized

521
00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:50,280
Speaker 2: that one. I weighed maybe like one hundred and ten pounds,

522
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:54,280
Speaker 2: possibly like heaviest, so I was very tiny. I was

523
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 2: very irritable. I just was not in a good headspace,

524
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 2: and my anger it was just like through the roof.

525
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:05,440
Speaker 2: So it wasn't like, oh, she's in a badmit at

526
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,000
Speaker 2: this moment in time. It was really more so like, nah,

527
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 2: she's like in a rage almost, and she's not sleeping,

528
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,280
Speaker 2: she's heavily under the influence. And so she actually found

529
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,880
Speaker 2: a place for me to go to, I guess and

530
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 2: patients stay or something like that. I didn't go, but

531
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:27,640
Speaker 2: that was the conversation I recall, but many things, I honestly,

532
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:31,800
Speaker 2: my memory is very vague, right, Yeah, a lot of

533
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 2: it is still quite foggy, Like I can pull bits

534
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,080
Speaker 2: and pieces. The more I do therapy and the more

535
00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 2: I talk about it, the more vivid things become. But

536
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 2: some things are just missing in action.

537
00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:46,120
Speaker 1: We're not underssentable because sometimes our brain blocks out trauma

538
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:47,640
Speaker 1: to protect us.

539
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:50,360
Speaker 2: So exactly exactly.

540
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,120
Speaker 1: So when you woke up in the hospital, did you

541
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:53,560
Speaker 1: knew where you was at?

542
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 2: Like?

543
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: Did you know what happened?

544
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:59,120
Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I was taken to the hospital, and

545
00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 2: I definitely it was not under a happy space, to

546
00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,520
Speaker 2: say the very least, because I was not just suicidal.

547
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:11,120
Speaker 2: I was homicidal as well. And a lot of people

548
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:13,520
Speaker 2: don't know that about my story. So you get a little.

549
00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:14,720
Speaker 1: Gemer, now give us the tea.

550
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 2: Now, come on, now, I was homicidal as well, and

551
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:28,680
Speaker 2: homicidal is what it says, which is homicide killing. I

552
00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:33,160
Speaker 2: was just very aggressive, and yeah, I don't really know

553
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,960
Speaker 2: what else to have You tried to hurt somebody before? No,

554
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,320
Speaker 2: absolutely not. I mean I didn't act on it, but

555
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:42,800
Speaker 2: those were when you have ideation, it's just simply what

556
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:45,440
Speaker 2: it is. It's an idea. So no, I didn't talk anybody.

557
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:50,960
Speaker 2: That wasn't the case. But that's definitely marked in my chart.

558
00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:56,440
Speaker 1: The way you're laughing right now, Yeah, somebody would have

559
00:31:56,440 --> 00:32:02,840
Speaker 1: tried you. So when your family found out about the

560
00:32:02,880 --> 00:32:05,520
Speaker 1: attempts and your mental health challenges, where were their reaction?

561
00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:13,920
Speaker 2: It was very I think they were scared more than anything.

562
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:18,880
Speaker 2: I think they were just fearful of not knowing what

563
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 2: to do and not necessarily having the resources to help me.

564
00:32:25,640 --> 00:32:28,440
Speaker 2: So it was a family effort. I was hospitalized at

565
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 2: a public hospital at first, and then I was transferred

566
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:34,840
Speaker 2: to a private hospital. But even just getting into a

567
00:32:34,840 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 2: private hospital took about two to three days. And private

568
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:45,080
Speaker 2: hospitals are very expensive. If you don't have insurance, it's

569
00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:49,800
Speaker 2: almost impossible. But even with insurance, it is just not.

570
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:51,280
Speaker 1: A lot of money takes.

571
00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:55,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, and then public hospitals almost feel like prison. And

572
00:32:55,280 --> 00:32:57,520
Speaker 2: I've been to jail, so it does feel like, no,

573
00:32:57,680 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 2: we gotta come on.

574
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,840
Speaker 1: Now, what you go to jail for?

575
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:25,240
Speaker 2: What you go to jail for, duy, Not for my thoughts,

576
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,120
Speaker 2: not for my ideations, but for my.

577
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:30,800
Speaker 1: D u I nine don't play with my so y'all,

578
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,160
Speaker 1: I know who I'm gonna call if I need some help,

579
00:33:36,960 --> 00:33:38,800
Speaker 1: because I'm like, what how you just gonna slide that

580
00:33:38,880 --> 00:33:40,120
Speaker 1: in there? You having to jail?

581
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:44,600
Speaker 2: Well, I thought she knew no, But.

582
00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 1: When I tell you, when I was researching you, I'm like,

583
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 1: where are the missing pieces?

584
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,520
Speaker 2: Like it was given?

585
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:58,320
Speaker 1: Like it was given very like what's the word like surface?

586
00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:02,320
Speaker 1: Like I feel like, obviously the main goal is to

587
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 1: educate people and to help those who are really in need.

588
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 1: But when you know, like, I love to get to

589
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:10,600
Speaker 1: know people. So I'm trying to read more about you,

590
00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:13,280
Speaker 1: and I'm like, come on, now, something to adding up here.

591
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:14,600
Speaker 1: But I was like, I'm gonna get to the bottom

592
00:34:14,680 --> 00:34:14,920
Speaker 1: of it.

593
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:21,320
Speaker 2: So I was twenty five, but we'll follow the timeline

594
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:23,200
Speaker 2: and then you can thire it back in when you want.

595
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:26,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait, is there a history of

596
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:28,000
Speaker 1: mental health issues within your family?

597
00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 2: Yes, I think that's anybody. A lot of it's gone

598
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:38,080
Speaker 2: on else and then my family has had a lot

599
00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:42,800
Speaker 2: of addiction as well, so yeah, but I mean that's

600
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 2: nothing but a mental health challenge as well, right, So

601
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 2: a lot of it was there. I actually found out

602
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:57,319
Speaker 2: a cousin of mine had bipular disorder prior to me

603
00:34:57,440 --> 00:35:00,160
Speaker 2: finding out. I found out a year before I did that.

604
00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:01,080
Speaker 2: I knew I had it.

605
00:35:01,560 --> 00:35:03,319
Speaker 1: But when she said it, I'm like, that sound like me.

606
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:08,959
Speaker 2: And I was diagnosed literally like a year later.

607
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,560
Speaker 1: And how did you feel when you finally got the

608
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:14,680
Speaker 1: news because you always felt like something was different.

609
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:18,919
Speaker 2: Hey, this makes sense, Like, I appreciate it. I see

610
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,480
Speaker 2: why I'm in debt. I see why my spence it's

611
00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:26,360
Speaker 2: been outrageous. I see why all these things were happening

612
00:35:26,400 --> 00:35:29,040
Speaker 2: to me and happening around me. And I was doing

613
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,000
Speaker 2: to myself just not taking care of myself or valuing

614
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:36,280
Speaker 2: my life. It's all made sense. So I was relieved.

615
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:39,239
Speaker 2: I'm gonna say I was excited, but I had diagnosed

616
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 2: myself anyway, Like on and don't do this, whoever's listening,

617
00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:46,600
Speaker 2: don't get on the internet and take those quizzes. But

618
00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 2: when I was diagnosed, I was like, I knew it.

619
00:35:49,040 --> 00:35:51,280
Speaker 2: I found out two weeks ago. I was on Google

620
00:35:51,320 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 2: and this told me this is what I had. But

621
00:35:55,320 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 2: I did get an official diagnosis when I was hospitalized.

622
00:35:59,360 --> 00:36:02,360
Speaker 1: Do you think family should have conversations with their children

623
00:36:02,560 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 1: or just within the family, talking about mental health issues,

624
00:36:05,239 --> 00:36:06,600
Speaker 1: because I feel like a lot of things that we

625
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:09,200
Speaker 1: experienced could have been avoided if you would have told

626
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:10,960
Speaker 1: me what Tom it was a long time ago.

627
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:15,360
Speaker 2: I mean, I think it'd be beneficial. But I also

628
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:20,120
Speaker 2: think that we have to take the step of mental

629
00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:23,319
Speaker 2: health the same way we do physical health and not

630
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 2: just included as mental health means mental illness, because that's

631
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,920
Speaker 2: not the truth. So if you were to have conversations

632
00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,840
Speaker 2: and being proactive about our mental health, I guess not

633
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,560
Speaker 2: even I guess, I believe I would have been able

634
00:36:35,719 --> 00:36:38,719
Speaker 2: to manage anxiety better. I would have been able to

635
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,320
Speaker 2: identify those feelings of depression. I would have been able

636
00:36:41,400 --> 00:36:46,680
Speaker 2: to again not just manage, but live with and maneuver

637
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 2: and to navigate, like we said earlier, those different feelings.

638
00:36:50,960 --> 00:36:55,000
Speaker 2: So I think just having that conversation of mental health

639
00:36:55,560 --> 00:36:58,759
Speaker 2: like brain health the same ways like eat your veggies, right,

640
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,319
Speaker 2: thank you. But if I were to have him, like

641
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:04,120
Speaker 2: I have a niece and I have nephew's and I'm like, hey,

642
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 2: like take a breath, let's do a breathing exercise, let's

643
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,919
Speaker 2: go in today, like let's identify something. So having those

644
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:17,000
Speaker 2: conversations are extremely important. But as far as disclosing different

645
00:37:17,120 --> 00:37:22,920
Speaker 2: mental illness within the family, you know, I if I

646
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:26,360
Speaker 2: were to and I'm not, I don't want to have kids,

647
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 2: and that's definitely something we can also talk about I

648
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:31,720
Speaker 2: could talk to you for days.

649
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's given, Bessie.

650
00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 2: I worked to I would definitely disclose my diagnosis and

651
00:37:41,440 --> 00:37:45,319
Speaker 2: definitely disclose that our family has had challenges. I feel

652
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:47,480
Speaker 2: like we talk more so about addiction and black families

653
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:51,880
Speaker 2: than we do mental illness, Like you know, your uncle whatever, whatever, whatever,

654
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:55,200
Speaker 2: And it's like, oh, okay, like he was lit last

655
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:58,359
Speaker 2: time I saw, and that makes sense now. But yeah,

656
00:37:58,400 --> 00:38:00,600
Speaker 2: outside of that, I think it's just a conversation we

657
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:02,560
Speaker 2: need to have and we need to learn the skills

658
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 2: behind it. Outside of the conversation.

659
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:07,040
Speaker 1: As well, Why you don't want to have kids. I'm

660
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:10,400
Speaker 1: just curious because I have an idea, but why you

661
00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:11,240
Speaker 1: don't want to have kids?

662
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:20,719
Speaker 2: One, I don't want to pass along my diagnosis. Somebody say, well,

663
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:22,640
Speaker 2: it seems like it'd be easier if they did have it,

664
00:38:22,719 --> 00:38:24,920
Speaker 2: because they'd have you to lean on, And I'm like, Okay,

665
00:38:24,920 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 2: first of all, that's not really how it works. Give

666
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:33,359
Speaker 2: one of the best support systems. But I don't think

667
00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:39,960
Speaker 2: I would be able to deal with I don't want

668
00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,440
Speaker 2: to call it guilt, but I don't. I'm unsure the

669
00:38:42,520 --> 00:38:47,319
Speaker 2: feelings come up if I came across my child having

670
00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 2: the same diagnosis as myself because it is genetic. That's

671
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 2: a major reason. A second major reason is that I've

672
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:58,319
Speaker 2: been on medication for so long. I don't know how

673
00:38:58,360 --> 00:39:00,960
Speaker 2: it would interact, and I don't want to have a

674
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:04,840
Speaker 2: child that would have an interaction or reaction to the

675
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:09,560
Speaker 2: medication that I've been on because we don't. I mean,

676
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,480
Speaker 2: I'm pro medication for myself, that's the decision for each individual,

677
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:17,760
Speaker 2: but I'm also aware that it has long lasting effects

678
00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:20,000
Speaker 2: and I don't know what could happen if I were

679
00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:22,400
Speaker 2: to get pregnant and if I were to bark the child.

680
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,400
Speaker 2: I don't want them to come out and have physical

681
00:39:25,600 --> 00:39:30,640
Speaker 2: or mental, you know, challenges because of my condition, and

682
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:34,840
Speaker 2: then I can't. I'm choosing not to come off of

683
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:39,000
Speaker 2: medication because that's just a high risk for me. So

684
00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:43,200
Speaker 2: being pregnant, going through all of those hormones and having

685
00:39:43,239 --> 00:39:49,560
Speaker 2: those different situations, I definitely don't. Uh, it's not something

686
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:51,440
Speaker 2: that I want to put myself over risk. So it's

687
00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 2: really to maintain health. Yeah, it's for my own personal health.

688
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:02,200
Speaker 2: I feel like Selena Gomez. Actually I don't know anything

689
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:05,000
Speaker 2: about Selena. I'm not gonna lie, but she lives with

690
00:40:05,440 --> 00:40:08,239
Speaker 2: her quarter. I do know that, but I was so

691
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:13,520
Speaker 2: excited and so proud for her making the comment on

692
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:16,880
Speaker 2: I can't have kids because I can't come off of medication,

693
00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:19,600
Speaker 2: and a lot of people were offended by that, but

694
00:40:20,360 --> 00:40:22,480
Speaker 2: I stood with her. I'm like, girl, I feel the

695
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:26,200
Speaker 2: same way. But a lot of people like, well, I

696
00:40:26,239 --> 00:40:29,120
Speaker 2: don't you can you just choose not to And it's like, no, no,

697
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:33,240
Speaker 2: I actually I can't because I can't come off of medication.

698
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:36,360
Speaker 1: Like that's dangerous, Like that's not an option, right.

699
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:41,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly. So you know it's up for debate. But

700
00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:44,320
Speaker 2: as far as me and then I just I got

701
00:40:44,719 --> 00:40:48,520
Speaker 2: a niece and two beautiful nekis. I'm cool, Like I'm

702
00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:51,719
Speaker 2: good with being the auntie. Like I don't those three

703
00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:53,880
Speaker 2: main reasons, and I like it. I like chilling. I

704
00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,400
Speaker 2: don't really want to wake up.

705
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,000
Speaker 1: And care nothing nagging and crying and.

706
00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:01,880
Speaker 2: Another way, I have to manage myself.

707
00:41:03,440 --> 00:41:05,480
Speaker 1: So if you didn't, if you didn't list all of

708
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:07,680
Speaker 1: those factors, would a baby be an option?

709
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:15,719
Speaker 2: I used to want to be a mom mm hmm,

710
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:21,279
Speaker 2: and then it just switched to me. Yeah, it's just

711
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:25,640
Speaker 2: switched to me. So I don't think so I don't

712
00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:29,440
Speaker 2: know because this is my reality and I don't necessarily

713
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:32,600
Speaker 2: live outside of it, so I can't I can't honestly

714
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:36,680
Speaker 2: answer that I don't know if right. I don't know

715
00:41:36,719 --> 00:41:41,880
Speaker 2: what my like without my diagnosis. Therefore I don't know

716
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 2: what my enity right.

717
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:47,360
Speaker 1: Do you feel like more celebrities should come out and

718
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:49,880
Speaker 1: speak openly about their mental health.

719
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:55,399
Speaker 2: No. I believe that each person teaches own I don't

720
00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:58,719
Speaker 2: think that everybody has to have or anybody that's on

721
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,319
Speaker 2: a platform has to come out and say, well, me too.

722
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:05,000
Speaker 2: I have this diagnosis and I share it with the world,

723
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:08,560
Speaker 2: like absolutely not. It's a choice that I decided to do.

724
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:16,600
Speaker 2: It's definitely something that was a need for me. When

725
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,000
Speaker 2: I was hospitalized, I actually had a dream that I

726
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:22,000
Speaker 2: was standing on a stage with a like a bright

727
00:42:22,080 --> 00:42:24,160
Speaker 2: light in front of me, and I woke up. I

728
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:29,920
Speaker 2: was like, that's interesting, and then that was like my reality.

729
00:42:30,040 --> 00:42:31,640
Speaker 2: Like I was on a stage, I was speaking and

730
00:42:31,680 --> 00:42:35,440
Speaker 2: I was sharing my story. But going through my process

731
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:38,839
Speaker 2: and my journey to recovery, I definitely recognized I wasn't

732
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 2: doing it just for myself, right. God gave me a

733
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:46,400
Speaker 2: much higher purpose and all of it started to make sense.

734
00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:50,920
Speaker 2: So I definitely don't shame anybody for not talking about

735
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:54,600
Speaker 2: their mental health. I applauded do so in order to

736
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:57,959
Speaker 2: help other people, but it's not always meant to be,

737
00:42:58,320 --> 00:43:00,800
Speaker 2: you know, put in the spotlight. I definite we don't think.

738
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:04,239
Speaker 1: So right, And we spoke about medication. So what are

739
00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:07,160
Speaker 1: your thoughts about the stigma surrounding medication.

740
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 2: I think that it's rightful. I think people have a

741
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,280
Speaker 2: right to their own opinion. I've had my own personal

742
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:19,680
Speaker 2: journey with medication. I have been on, I've been off.

743
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 2: I've had great doctors, I've had terrible doctors. I've been

744
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:26,279
Speaker 2: heavily medicated. I've been on a perfect regiment, which is

745
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 2: what I'm on now. But it's a trial and error thing.

746
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:31,200
Speaker 2: And I understand when people are like, look, I don't

747
00:43:31,239 --> 00:43:33,680
Speaker 2: like the way it makes me feel. This isn't for me.

748
00:43:33,719 --> 00:43:37,080
Speaker 2: I want to try an alternate route. Totally personal choice.

749
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 2: But for me, I chose to continue the process to

750
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,840
Speaker 2: find a proper doctor and to not give up on

751
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,360
Speaker 2: just being told what to do. Like, I wanted to

752
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:50,239
Speaker 2: take control over my own life and over my own

753
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:55,600
Speaker 2: healing space, and Medisica definitely helps me. Yeah, it helps

754
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:56,239
Speaker 2: me a lot.

755
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, because I feel like some people would just believe

756
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:01,120
Speaker 1: anything not anything is wrong with that, because we should

757
00:44:01,160 --> 00:44:03,040
Speaker 1: have some type of trust when it comes to professionals.

758
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,279
Speaker 1: Who are, you know, doctors or therapist, where the case

759
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:06,839
Speaker 1: may be. But I think that's great that you were

760
00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:10,040
Speaker 1: very proactive in being more involved in your life.

761
00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:14,480
Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely, you have to. And I think it gave

762
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,879
Speaker 2: me the skills to advocate for myself, just not within

763
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:19,960
Speaker 2: a doctor's office, but outside in the world, in my

764
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:23,920
Speaker 2: career space and my relationships and my friendships, learning how

765
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:25,719
Speaker 2: to be a start of learning how to stand up

766
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:28,080
Speaker 2: for yourself and saying, hey, this works, this doesn't work,

767
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:30,160
Speaker 2: and you're going to listen to me. Right. So it

768
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 2: was a life lesson more than anything.

769
00:44:32,400 --> 00:44:35,839
Speaker 1: Right. And are you ever concerned about the possibility of

770
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,480
Speaker 1: experiencing another attempt?

771
00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:44,319
Speaker 2: I don't really think about it, you know. I don't. Yeah,

772
00:44:44,360 --> 00:44:47,520
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna say I don't. I don't necessarily live

773
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,400
Speaker 2: my life in worry. Like I have days where I'm

774
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:52,359
Speaker 2: anxious and things like that, but I don't wake up

775
00:44:52,400 --> 00:44:53,960
Speaker 2: and I'm like, oh no, I think I'm going to

776
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:57,279
Speaker 2: have an attempt today. Again, it goes back to me

777
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,719
Speaker 2: being proactive with my mental health and keeping that self

778
00:44:59,760 --> 00:45:01,319
Speaker 2: away awareness to where it's to be.

779
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:02,760
Speaker 1: Can you look heavy?

780
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:06,040
Speaker 2: Oh well, thank you, yes.

781
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,359
Speaker 1: The skin and skinning honey, the teeth is nice and

782
00:45:08,400 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 1: white like, come on, man.

783
00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:11,880
Speaker 2: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

784
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:14,880
Speaker 1: So what is some advice you would give to someone

785
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:18,880
Speaker 1: who was currently experiencing similar feelings or contemplating suicide?

786
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:24,600
Speaker 2: First, I love to give a good resource. So they

787
00:45:24,719 --> 00:45:32,400
Speaker 2: recently just launched well it'll be a year come July. Yeah,

788
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 2: but there's so many resources out there. But if you

789
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:38,720
Speaker 2: are feeling suicidal in this moment, or you're having feelings

790
00:45:38,719 --> 00:45:42,360
Speaker 2: of suicide or an attempt or a plan, or somebody's

791
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:46,480
Speaker 2: in crisis, please down nine eight eight. That is just

792
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,040
Speaker 2: like nine one one, except it's for mental health and

793
00:45:49,080 --> 00:45:53,040
Speaker 2: it's for mental health crisis. So that's new right Yeah,

794
00:45:53,239 --> 00:46:00,319
Speaker 2: bran Neil love it, big fan. Yeah. It was a

795
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,640
Speaker 2: lot to get done. There were a lot of people

796
00:46:02,680 --> 00:46:04,920
Speaker 2: that were advocating for There are a lot of people

797
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:08,360
Speaker 2: that pushed it and it was able to get through.

798
00:46:08,520 --> 00:46:11,640
Speaker 2: I like it because it's very short. The original number

799
00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:14,920
Speaker 2: was like it was like a one eight hundred number.

800
00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:17,440
Speaker 2: That's a lot to dial, just a lot going on

801
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:21,520
Speaker 2: in the Nited State exactly. So it's just a lot.

802
00:46:21,560 --> 00:46:23,640
Speaker 2: It was a lot going on. But if you're not

803
00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 2: a phone person, that's cool too. If you don't want

804
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:28,279
Speaker 2: to talk on the phone, then I encourage you to

805
00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:31,440
Speaker 2: text seven four one seven for one, which is a

806
00:46:31,480 --> 00:46:36,640
Speaker 2: crisis text sign. And you actually don't have to be

807
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:41,920
Speaker 2: in crisis if there is. If you're just in a

808
00:46:41,960 --> 00:46:44,919
Speaker 2: place of needing to talk to somebody, they'll be able

809
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:48,920
Speaker 2: to give you that conversation. But follow that up, if

810
00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:52,520
Speaker 2: you are having those feelings of helplessness and those feelings

811
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,000
Speaker 2: of not wanting to be here, or you're just in

812
00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:58,399
Speaker 2: a really dark place, I really do encourage you want

813
00:46:58,480 --> 00:47:01,760
Speaker 2: to use your resources and those resources that I just listed,

814
00:47:02,400 --> 00:47:04,839
Speaker 2: But if you have at least one person that you

815
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:07,880
Speaker 2: are able to be vulnerable with, if you have at

816
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:10,880
Speaker 2: least one person that's in your support system that you

817
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:13,400
Speaker 2: can have a conversation with, I do encourage you to

818
00:47:13,480 --> 00:47:17,279
Speaker 2: do so. If you have a therapist, reach out to

819
00:47:17,320 --> 00:47:21,120
Speaker 2: your therapist if you need I'm full of resources. If

820
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 2: you need funding for therapy, I'll plug that in too.

821
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:27,640
Speaker 2: And then they're even sport groups. Yeah, I get funding

822
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:30,319
Speaker 2: for my therapy. It's called the Loveland Foundation. They do

823
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:32,440
Speaker 2: it for black women and girls. I heard of them

824
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:38,440
Speaker 2: that out to them, love them. Yes, twelve sessions. They

825
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:40,800
Speaker 2: give vouchers for up to one hundred and twenty dollars,

826
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:45,680
Speaker 2: which is amazing pretty therapycause it's expensive. Yeah, that's great.

827
00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:50,960
Speaker 2: It takes a big chunk out of that. So yeah,

828
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:54,200
Speaker 2: I would definitely encourage all of those different things.

829
00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:57,960
Speaker 1: And for people who suspect that someone they know may

830
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:02,240
Speaker 1: be experience in suicidal thoughts or behave but are unsure

831
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:04,760
Speaker 1: how to offer support. What is your advice on guidance

832
00:48:04,880 --> 00:48:07,000
Speaker 1: you would give to them?

833
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:14,359
Speaker 2: I would say, honestly, learn God, if you're gonna bely,

834
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:17,719
Speaker 2: how am I supposed to do that? Learning how to

835
00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:21,360
Speaker 2: ask that uncomfortable question. I used to work in suicide prevention,

836
00:48:22,120 --> 00:48:26,120
Speaker 2: and I wasn't always comfortable and being like, Hey, are

837
00:48:26,160 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 2: you suicidal or are you thinking of killing yourself? Like

838
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:32,439
Speaker 2: what's going on? How to take a softball approach, which was, hey,

839
00:48:32,520 --> 00:48:34,480
Speaker 2: are you feeling like you don't want to wake up anymore?

840
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:38,520
Speaker 2: Or even just simply acknowledging that you see something different

841
00:48:38,600 --> 00:48:41,200
Speaker 2: about that person, Hey, I recognize you're not selling as

842
00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 2: much as you used to do. What's going on? Are

843
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:46,279
Speaker 2: you talking about it? I recognize that you like to

844
00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:48,000
Speaker 2: work out three or four times a week. You haven't

845
00:48:48,040 --> 00:48:51,360
Speaker 2: worked out in a month. You're simply saying I'm seeing

846
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,839
Speaker 2: that something is different. I'm worried about you, and I care.

847
00:48:55,719 --> 00:48:58,160
Speaker 2: I think people want to be seen. We all want

848
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:03,600
Speaker 2: to be seen. And when somebody struggling mentally, they want

849
00:49:04,080 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 2: people to they want help like they essentially they may

850
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:10,080
Speaker 2: not know how to ask for it. So you don't

851
00:49:10,080 --> 00:49:13,359
Speaker 2: even have to ask that hardball question, but picking up

852
00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,600
Speaker 2: on hey, my friend seems a little off today, or

853
00:49:15,640 --> 00:49:18,840
Speaker 2: this person seems a little bit off. I wonder what's

854
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:21,879
Speaker 2: going on. So just asking like, hey, I recognize that

855
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:24,920
Speaker 2: you're not doing this, you seem a little irritable, whatever

856
00:49:24,960 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 2: the case, saying be whatever seems different, and simply just

857
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:33,480
Speaker 2: having a small conversation and offering those resources I just said.

858
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:36,120
Speaker 1: You know, I think this was an amazing conversation. I

859
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:39,200
Speaker 1: feel like every time I talk about this topic on

860
00:49:39,239 --> 00:49:43,040
Speaker 1: my show is a really good conversation. Like with the

861
00:49:43,239 --> 00:49:46,759
Speaker 1: girl who honored her father who committed suicide or who

862
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:50,480
Speaker 1: passed away from suicide, that was a beautiful conversation. I

863
00:49:50,480 --> 00:49:53,359
Speaker 1: think this was also an amazing conversation. So I want

864
00:49:53,360 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 1: to say thank you so much for being a guest

865
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:59,960
Speaker 1: on the show, for having me of course, of course,

866
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 1: and to the listeners. If you or someone you know

867
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Speaker 1: is struggling with suicidal thoughts or behaviors, there is help available.

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Speaker 1: Reach out to a trusted friend or a family member,

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Speaker 1: a mental health professional, or a crisis hotline. Because you

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Speaker 1: are not on loan. Thank you everyone, until next time later,

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Speaker 1: You're not gonna say bye, oh, thank you bye. The

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Speaker 1: Professional Homegirl podcast is a production of the Black Effect

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Speaker 1: podcast Network. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app,

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Speaker 1: app a podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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Speaker 1: Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show, and you

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Speaker 1: can connect with me on social media at the PHG

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Speaker 1: podcast