Speaker 1: I want to talk about being transparent and honest when
Speaker 1: you're in relationship. The reason I say that is everybody
Speaker 1: comes into a relationship with a different background. It could
Speaker 1: be financial, it could be cultural, it could be geographical,
Speaker 1: it could be nature versus nurture, a million different things.
Speaker 1: It could be a relationship before, an abusive relationship before,
Speaker 1: or really positive relationship before. But people come into a
Speaker 1: situation and everybody has their own inner monologue and dialogue
Speaker 1: about what they think something should be based on what's
Speaker 1: in their own head. And I've said this to people.
Speaker 1: Also providing context for people that you relate to, even
Speaker 1: at work, you know, you know, romantic relationships, friendships, business relationships.
Speaker 1: I mean, you're not going to start getting into that
Speaker 1: you were abused as a child in a business relationship
Speaker 1: per se. But giving context is important. And I said
Speaker 1: this sentence to someone. I said to someone, they're raised
Speaker 1: like a breeder dog with safety security, knowing where the
Speaker 1: meals were going to come from and knowing that they
Speaker 1: weren't going to be abused and they were going to
Speaker 1: be protected. And that I come from a perspective of
Speaker 1: being a rescue dog, a dog that has been in
Speaker 1: many different homes and had many different experiences and comes
Speaker 1: in a little cagey doesn't trust that much. Could act
Speaker 1: in a different type of way than somebody else who
Speaker 1: is a breeder dog, because by definition you've had How
Speaker 1: could two people with vastly different experiences react in the
Speaker 1: same way to something. So if you let people know
Speaker 1: where you are, then they'll understand why you act in
Speaker 1: a certain way. And yes, that could apply to business.
Speaker 1: It could be in business that you're explaining to someone
Speaker 1: that you are a very direct person, that you don't
Speaker 1: respond well to beating around the bush or a lot
Speaker 1: of small talk or corporate jargon like that's a way
Speaker 1: of saying something where then in the future they're going
Speaker 1: to know how you might operate or why you might
Speaker 1: act cold or weird or distant or dismissive or something
Speaker 1: like that. And certainly in a relationship, it could be
Speaker 1: like I have the tendency to run, so if you
Speaker 1: run too, this will never happen. And I've been in
Speaker 1: relationships with people who get insecure when I run, and
Speaker 1: then they want to run, and then it's done because
Speaker 1: somebody needs to be the rock, and somebody is going
Speaker 1: to be. You know, if you have two breeder dogs,
Speaker 1: then great. If you have two rescue dogs, that can
Speaker 1: be challenging too. That can be like two different insecurities
Speaker 1: and cagueness and radic or unpredictable or just not traditional.
Speaker 1: I don't like to say irrational but not normally expected behavior,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, like things that would seem unexpected.
Speaker 1: So I think it's good to know where people come
Speaker 1: from so you know how to deal with them in
Speaker 1: all situations in life. There's one thing I wanted to
Speaker 1: say about dating. I was on the I was with
Speaker 1: Alex Cooper in the Unwell Tour on stage, and I
Speaker 1: was giving dating advice, and the one thing I forgot
Speaker 1: to mention that I thought was so important in dating
Speaker 1: advice is this, you could really like someone like to
Speaker 1: the point where it gives you the chills. You can't
Speaker 1: even believe how much you like them. You're so into them,
Speaker 1: it's uncomfortable, like you're in Just like in business, you
Speaker 1: could be so into a business deal you could make.
Speaker 1: You're gonna make millions of dollars. It's gonna be the
Speaker 1: best business deal you're ever in. Right, But if you're
Speaker 1: not getting what you want and need, and it's going
Speaker 1: to like affect you and affect your life. And you're
Speaker 1: settling for less than what you deserve. You're kind of
Speaker 1: cheating yourself. You're selling yourself short. Something is wrong. Your
Speaker 1: gut is telling you something's wrong. You don't like the
Speaker 1: way it makes you feel. You have to be willing
Speaker 1: to walk. You have to be willing to walk, but
Speaker 1: not in a bluff. This used to happen with housewives
Speaker 1: all the time. I watch people say they were gonna walk,
Speaker 1: and then Bravo realized that they weren't really gonna walk,
Speaker 1: and then they called their bluff, and then the person
Speaker 1: has no leverage the next time around.
Speaker 2: I've seen this.
Speaker 1: I can name five housewives who've gotten paid so much
Speaker 1: less than they would have and ten times less than
Speaker 1: I got paid because they didn't know what they were doing.
Speaker 1: There's a confidence to that, and it's scary. That's scary
Speaker 1: to be able to say to someone, I'm into you,
Speaker 1: but I'm willing to walk because I won't settle for
Speaker 1: less than what I deserve. And that's business, that's friendships,
Speaker 1: that's all of it, and that is very strong. I've
Speaker 1: done that in friendships too. I've had someone treat me
Speaker 1: in a way that is not appropriate. And I have
Speaker 1: walked and they have come back around and they have
Speaker 1: never made that mistake again. But it's it's scary because
Speaker 1: sometimes you really know you'll really miss that relationship, you
Speaker 1: missed that friendship, you miss that that guy, that girl,
Speaker 1: and you gotta be able to do it. And there's
Speaker 1: something in a relationship to landing vulnerability, confidently being needy
Speaker 1: in a way that is confident, like for me at
Speaker 1: me and saying I need a little love, I need a.
Speaker 2: Little praise right now. I'm a little needy.
Speaker 1: That's way more confident than actually being needy and drippy
Speaker 1: and desperate and thirsty, like the way you frame things,
Speaker 1: you know, the way like saying what you need is confident.
Speaker 1: Begging for scraps and being desperate and waiting around and
Speaker 1: then not getting it and accepting that you didn't get
Speaker 1: it and asking for it again, that's needy. There's a
Speaker 1: very big difference between being like, this is what I need,
Speaker 1: this is what I require, this is what I want,
Speaker 1: and like I said, call the bluff. You gotta be
Speaker 1: willing to walk. Also being able to articulate to someone
Speaker 1: the difference between your wants and your needs, your deal breakers,
Speaker 1: and what you really would like, because if you're in
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, most people will want to give each
Speaker 1: other what they need and want, and you can't pick
Speaker 1: every single thing. Everything can't be a need. Some things
Speaker 1: are a want and you might not get at all.
Speaker 1: But as one of the dating coaches on here said,
Speaker 1: I really really really validate what he said when he
Speaker 1: said a relationship should not be work, and we got
Speaker 1: to it should be effort. And I was talking to
Speaker 1: someone about this today. It should be intention, but it
Speaker 1: should be desire. You want to work on it, you
Speaker 1: want to get better, but it's not work. And many
Speaker 1: of us have had the same experience where we think
Speaker 1: we're the problem. Somebody's good on paper, somebody seems like
Speaker 1: they're it. Someone you know you're supposed to be feeling
Speaker 1: some way. Why are you being critical of the other person.
Speaker 1: Why don't you want to share with the other person?
Speaker 1: Why are you leaving them out of things? Why do
Speaker 1: you want to do things without them? Why do you
Speaker 1: not feel great when you're around them? Why are you
Speaker 1: kind of excited when they leave? Why are you not
Speaker 1: that excited when you see them? Then you start saying,
Speaker 1: but they're so good, they're so generous, They're this, They're
Speaker 1: what I'm supposed to be wanting. Then you go inside.
Speaker 1: Then you start beating yourself up. Then you start saying
Speaker 1: it must be me. I must be flawed in some way,
Speaker 1: I can't be happy, I can't allow myself to love.
Speaker 1: Then it's another dialogue. If there is a person that
Speaker 1: fits you properly, these things will not exist. You will
Speaker 1: have to have intention, you will have to make an effort,
Speaker 1: but they will not be the feeling of dread and
Speaker 1: negotiating with yourself and torturing yourself and torment yourself and
Speaker 1: tearing yourself apart because you're staying out of fear. Now
Speaker 1: compound that you have kids, you're afraid because of financial reasons,
Speaker 1: or because you've already gotten married, because what's your family
Speaker 1: going to think. I mean, these things are super important
Speaker 1: and also why relationships should not be jumped into. But
Speaker 1: we beat the shit out of ourselves unnecessarily. If you
Speaker 1: eat something and it doesn't agree with you, you just
Speaker 1: you listen to that. You don't start talking about why
Speaker 1: the thing is supposed to Oh, it's supposed to be
Speaker 1: good for me. It's coconut it's got good oil. If
Speaker 1: you don't like it or it doesn't make you feel good,
Speaker 1: you don't eat it. You don't care what the fuck anyone.
Speaker 2: Says about it. How good for you it's supposed to be.
Speaker 2: You're not eating it. You rejected it, your body rejected.
Speaker 1: It. Doesn't mean you're psychologically unfit. Doesn't mean you can't
Speaker 1: I something's wrong with you. It means it's not right
Speaker 1: for you. So we have to get more clear with
Speaker 1: that stuff, because I feel like we torture ourselves and
Speaker 1: spend so much unnecessary time doing that. In addition to
Speaker 1: the wants and needs. It's like related, but it's like
Speaker 1: what's your thing? What's your thing? The dating coach said.
Speaker 1: Men want to be acknowledged. I think it was admired
Speaker 1: and appreciated. Women want to feel safe, heard and understood.
Speaker 1: For me, it's safe. I've heard men say to me loved,
Speaker 1: you know, loved. So whatever it is, you listen to
Speaker 1: the other person and you make sure that you give
Speaker 1: that to them because some people could say it in
Speaker 1: that one moment, but not in the day to day,
Speaker 1: and not everyone needs to express themselves verbally. Do you
Speaker 1: ever notice there's some people that express themselves nonverbally. It's
Speaker 1: their actions, it's the way they do it, it's the
Speaker 1: way they make you feel.
Speaker 2: They don't.
Speaker 1: Everyone doesn't need to be emoting at all times, and
Speaker 1: sometimes because of our previous experiences, we actually can't trust ourselves.
Speaker 1: We do have good gut instincts, but sometimes we go
Speaker 1: back for the thing that's not good for us, and
Speaker 1: we have to break the chain ourselves in relationships, but
Speaker 1: not the pendulum, not where you're just going to the
Speaker 1: opposite of what you did before, which could be boring
Speaker 1: or dangerous for you, but basically realizing if I walk
Speaker 1: into a casino, I might not be able to be trusted.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna gamble. If I go into a bakery, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna want all the sugar. I'm not good in that environment.
Speaker 1: Knowing you know, if I see a hot guy that
Speaker 1: looks like a bad boy, that's what I'm going for.
Speaker 1: Or I tend to go with somebod who's gonna treat
Speaker 1: me like shit but is great in bed or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. We have to acknowledge who we are and
Speaker 1: what our behaviors are and why why we attract that
Speaker 1: and become your best self before you get ready to
Speaker 1: be dating. That's the hardest part. People want to jump in.
Speaker 1: They want to they want to fix it with the
Speaker 1: band aid. You want to feel better, you want to
Speaker 1: go on a date. You want to meet somebody, You
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship. You want somebody for
Speaker 1: the holidays, you want somebody for New Year's Eve. You
Speaker 1: want to feel part of something. You don't want to
Speaker 1: feel alone. You don't want to go to the wedding alone.
Speaker 1: You don't want to be the loser. Then you jump
Speaker 1: in something that's wrong for you, and you're wasting time
Speaker 1: not finding the right person, and you have never done
Speaker 1: the work. So even if you found the right p person,
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be ready because you're still a train wreck
Speaker 1: because you were so afraid. You never did the work,
Speaker 1: and you when you start a relationship, that bar better
Speaker 1: be really high.
Speaker 2: It will only go down no matter what.
Speaker 1: You have a new car, it will not smell like
Speaker 1: a new car in six months, maybe a faint. So
Speaker 1: you better raise that bar high in the beginning. Don't
Speaker 1: start settling from the jump now. Listen, there is a
Speaker 1: time in the beginning you meet someone, it's not going
Speaker 1: to be off to the racist perfection you've got to
Speaker 1: sniff each other out. You've got to get each other's patterns, wants, needs, likes, loves, sex,
Speaker 1: Communicate about sex not in the bedroom, outside of the bedroom.
Speaker 1: What does someone like? What does someone not like? What
Speaker 1: about you know, personal styles? What about cadence? What about
Speaker 1: how much? What about how intense? What about how it
Speaker 1: makes you feel? What about your past sexual experiences? What
Speaker 1: about your trust issues as it pertains to sex. I mean,
Speaker 1: sex is a massive topic, but overall, you set the
Speaker 1: bar high and you train the dog in the beginning,
Speaker 1: and I don't mean the man as a dog or
Speaker 1: the woman's a dog. People need to be trained in
Speaker 1: the beginning. This is where the wee wee pat is.
Speaker 1: This is where it is, so we don't have any confusion.
Speaker 2: Later. We may all have some accidents along the way.
Speaker 2: That's normal.
Speaker 1: But we're not going to start this thing by dumbing
Speaker 1: it down, because then it'll be in a shambles and
Speaker 1: all the cracks become craters. So beware of the cracks,
Speaker 1: beware of the pink flags. Critical periods to look out for.
Speaker 1: I believe our six weeks, what are we doing? Do
Speaker 1: we actually like each other? Is there a connection are
Speaker 1: we continuing on to the next gauntlet, which is three months?
Speaker 1: Three months is are we in a relationship? Are we
Speaker 1: doing this at some point? Will I meet your family?
Speaker 1: Will you meet my friends? Will I meet your kids?
Speaker 1: Will we say I love you?
Speaker 2: Like?
Speaker 1: Three months is critical and then we're off to the races.
Speaker 1: Then you get to six months and a year and
Speaker 1: the rest is history. But three months, to me, would
Speaker 1: be the most critical part in any relationship. It's when
Speaker 1: you decide what the real intention is of the entire relationship.
Speaker 1: I stand by what the experts say about texting. Control yourself.
Speaker 1: I'm saying to myself as well. Do not communicate anything
Speaker 1: important via text. Now this means, you know, reprimanding someone,
Speaker 1: scolding someone, giving some notes, saying something you don't like,
Speaker 1: saying something you do like, saying how you really deeply
Speaker 1: feel about someone. Like real feelings should not be communicated
Speaker 1: by text. Now there's a gray area because it could
Speaker 1: be I miss you, that's a real feeling, but that's
Speaker 1: like a small statement or XO, or I can't wait
Speaker 1: to see you, or you make me feel great, or
Speaker 1: you're making me happy, or look at I mean, once
Speaker 1: in a while, there's an exception, but overall, you should
Speaker 1: not be getting into broad stroke topics, negotiating something, talking
Speaker 1: about how something makes you feel, how something didn't make
Speaker 1: you feel like, wish you didn't do that?
Speaker 2: Can you not do like?
Speaker 1: No arguing, No real meat should be happening on texting,
Speaker 1: And it's a discipline because you can't always get someone
Speaker 1: on the phone and people work, And I would say
Speaker 1: if you're in something, FaceTime is important too if you're
Speaker 1: not with the person, particularly if you're long distance, but
Speaker 1: if you're not gonna be with the person all the time,
Speaker 1: someone's facetiming tour from work. It is remarkable what it
Speaker 1: means to see someone's face compared to just being on
Speaker 1: the phone. Let's take this down. Seeing someone's face is
Speaker 1: a whole different ball game than being on the phone.
Speaker 1: But being on the phone is a whole different ball
Speaker 1: game than texting, which is pathetic and sad because being
Speaker 1: on the phone can be really disconnected, it really can.
Speaker 1: But texting, it's a fucking joke. Texting is like eating
Speaker 1: a bag of Cheetos and wanting it to feel like
Speaker 1: you had like brown rice, chicken, breast, and broccolini, Like
Speaker 1: it's garbage food. It's junk food. It's never gonna it's
Speaker 1: not gonna do it. It's just it's like a tool
Speaker 1: that we overuse. Texting technically should be like I'm in
Speaker 1: the corner booth and a red shirt. It shouldn't even
Speaker 1: be as much as we use it for. But we
Speaker 1: use it as a crutch, as a tool, and you know,
Speaker 1: it's a necessary evil. One of the tricky things in
Speaker 1: dating is talking about x's it really really is. We
Speaker 1: say we're never going to do it, we do it
Speaker 1: not because like, oh I miss Joe. It's a reference point.
Speaker 1: You want to compliment the person you're with me like
Speaker 1: I'm not used to this, you know, and sometimes it
Speaker 1: does feel good.
Speaker 2: I don't mind it.
Speaker 1: I don't mind it if someone says something about their
Speaker 1: ex as it pertains to us and why this is different.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's sometimes informative. If the blast person used
Speaker 1: to do something that really bothered you or made you
Speaker 1: feel unsafe, you might have to discuss it with the
Speaker 1: current person because that is institutional knowledge. Talking about how
Speaker 1: you still miss the person or how you broke up
Speaker 1: or when Joe and I used to go to do this.
Speaker 1: That is not a good idea. Joe bought me flowers
Speaker 1: and you don't. That is not a good idea. But
Speaker 1: I'm used to a different dynamic with Joe where I
Speaker 1: feel guilty about doing this. You know that might make
Speaker 1: someone feel good that you're validating. Oh what's going on?
Speaker 1: And again, as some of the matchmaker is only one
Speaker 1: of the dating coaches has expressed the male dating coach,
Speaker 1: the game moves fast when you're dating.
Speaker 2: We have all these plans.
Speaker 1: We plan a god laughs, You plan to have a
Speaker 1: get play a game, do this, do that.
Speaker 2: It all goes out the window. It does. You do
Speaker 2: the very best you can, but it all does go
Speaker 2: out the window.