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Speaker 1: Okay, good morning, Hello, welcome to today's podcast. You guys, Hi, Hi,

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Speaker 1: welcome to today's episode. We're counselors, couples counseling, but we're

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Speaker 1: the couple. Yeah, that's what people are needing to do.

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Speaker 1: Two for one deal with us, right, so you got

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Speaker 1: the yeah, two birds with one stone. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: but anyway, you're notice thinking is how many advice series

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Speaker 1: or shows or content? How much advice content there has been?

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Speaker 1: Do you have? Did you just throw up in your

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Speaker 1: mouth a little bit? Oh my god, I think I

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Speaker 1: choked on my protein bar. Sweetheart, you have to use

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Speaker 1: liquids to get that down. Hold on, let me take

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Speaker 1: a sip of water. Do you have a favorite advice

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Speaker 1: show that you have watched? I was thinking about this recualy.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, now, we're just one of many that

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Speaker 1: have come therapy on Showtime is Good. They put out

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Speaker 1: a COVID episode. Yeah. I like that show. So they

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Speaker 1: follows real couples going to therapy with this one therapist

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Speaker 1: and then she consults with her superior who's ever in

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Speaker 1: charge of her caseload show. She like kind of talks

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Speaker 1: to her cases with her counsel. So it's kind of

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Speaker 1: there's dynamism in it. Also, it's dynamic because there's so

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Speaker 1: many different people, like you end up liking certain couples

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Speaker 1: and disliking other ones, or disliking certain partners, like this

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Speaker 1: one's a fucking asshole, Like she starts ship all the time.

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Speaker 1: You know, you know what I used to love? I

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Speaker 1: don't know. Do you remember this? Do you remember sex

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Speaker 1: with Sue? Where couples are you know, a person would

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Speaker 1: call in from a relationship with very specific like sex

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Speaker 1: questions or yeah it was not doctor Sue, doctor Sue.

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Speaker 1: I just remember being called sex with Sue And that

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Speaker 1: was the first like advice driven content I'd ever seen.

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Speaker 1: And I will never forget the very first call I heard.

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Speaker 1: A woman called in because her husband wanted her to

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Speaker 1: poke his dick with needles. That that like turned him on.

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Speaker 1: And I was probably thirteen, and I can remember waiting

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Speaker 1: for one to go to bed so I could watch

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Speaker 1: Sex with Sue and finding it so fascinating, like the

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Speaker 1: dynamics of sex in a relationship because you think of

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Speaker 1: it being one way and you're like, oh, no, people

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Speaker 1: have really fucked up relationships and where ship. I've heard, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you hear weird stories to about certain people and what

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Speaker 1: kind of sexual acts they're into, and you're like, what,

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Speaker 1: I'm not into any funny stuff story. Yeah, the Richard

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Speaker 1: Geary what that he shoved a gerbil up his us? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's like there's a name for it. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what it is. I don't know if there's a name

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Speaker 1: for sticking a jerbil up your ass? I think, so, Nick,

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Speaker 1: do you know what I'm talking about? Our our producer

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Speaker 1: and our producer in the booth? I know the story

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Speaker 1: I'm not Can you look up what that's called? Funneling?

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Speaker 1: Sounds like an overstatement or an understates someone anyone. I

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Speaker 1: would just like to know, because I'm there's a term

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Speaker 1: for everything. I would also like to know the term

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Speaker 1: for someone who looks cute from the side, but it's

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Speaker 1: not cute face on. Well, there's also there should be

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Speaker 1: a phrase for people who look worse when they smile.

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Speaker 1: Have you ever seen one of those people when they

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Speaker 1: smile You're like, oh, oh, stop that. How terrible is that?

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Speaker 1: Because everyone I thought looked better when that great teeth,

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Speaker 1: it changes the structure. Doesn't matter what kind of teeth

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Speaker 1: you have, Well, it does sometimes, but I mean it

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Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Like Tammy. Remember my dog, she had sucked

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Speaker 1: up teeth so when she smiled it was actually really

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Speaker 1: she looked like she was from London. I loved Tammy.

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Speaker 1: I just I wish that we could get some dogs

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Speaker 1: in the house that act like dogs so hard on you.

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Speaker 1: It's so hard on everyone. Actually, none of my friends

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Speaker 1: like my dogs, and they you know, I've always had

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Speaker 1: dogs that are only my dogs. But even these dogs

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Speaker 1: aren't my dogs, they're my bell. They don't so I

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Speaker 1: think that we just need to let a bell take

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Speaker 1: them over. I would like to get I can't rescue

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Speaker 1: golden Retriever a dog that wants to be pet and

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Speaker 1: wants to go on a walk, Like I would love

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Speaker 1: to be able to take your dog after work for

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Speaker 1: a hike. I don't want one of my own. Your

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Speaker 1: network Jake, he had a dog named Tucker who was

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Speaker 1: very vocal, which I didn't like, but was the sweetest

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Speaker 1: fucking dog. Yeah, well, we had to remove his vocal

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Speaker 1: cords for good reason. We didn't do that. I thought

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Speaker 1: I dreamt about doing that. Didn't we have to do

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Speaker 1: something like that with Chunk where we did not remove

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Speaker 1: his vocal cords. But we did something with his oho.

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Speaker 1: We penned his larynx because he was dry heaving, poor Shunk,

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Speaker 1: trying to get more air. Oh yeah, he couldn't get

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Speaker 1: enough breath, so they had to pin his larynx and

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Speaker 1: then they couldn't he couldn't bark after. That was a

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Speaker 1: nice little byproduct. But this is advice that I had

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Speaker 1: given you because when people have I won't put this

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Speaker 1: on you because I think it's a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: When people have a certain amount of money, they want

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Speaker 1: to do whatever they can for their pets. But it

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Speaker 1: can actually have an adverse reaction because then we're doing

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Speaker 1: too much. And so I said, hey, we need to

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Speaker 1: cut it down with what we're trying to do for Chunk.

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Speaker 1: Let's just let him live his life. And he died

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Speaker 1: like a week later, poor buddy. Luckily he wouldn't have

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Speaker 1: suffered for very long. But the thought of my dog,

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Speaker 1: I'm just such a bad parent is what it comes

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Speaker 1: down to. You love your pets, though, and that's really

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Speaker 1: all we can ask of anyone. I just wish I

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Speaker 1: could care for them, Brandon, I wish I could care

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Speaker 1: for them. Loving them is one thing, but not having

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Speaker 1: the ability to do anything that they need is another.

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Speaker 1: You know, I love them, but I can't. I don't

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Speaker 1: care for them. Well, you were away for four months

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Speaker 1: with them. We have a different timeline of how long

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Speaker 1: you were gone, but you were gone for a while

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Speaker 1: with the dogs, and you did take care of them. Well,

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Speaker 1: I had a dog walker that would come at for

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Speaker 1: and I had to do the bare minimum. Yeah I did.

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Speaker 1: I did take care of them. But you know I

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Speaker 1: don't play with them. I don't play play fetch with them.

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Speaker 1: Those dogs don't play. They don't fetch, you know, Bert,

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Speaker 1: You throw it in one direction and Bert walks in

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Speaker 1: the other direction. I mean, they want nothing to do

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Speaker 1: with playing fetch or any sort of games or any

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Speaker 1: sort of camaraderie. But I do my favorite thing and

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Speaker 1: Chunk wouldn't do this. Bert will lie in my lap

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Speaker 1: like a shape shilter, Like I could pick him up

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Speaker 1: off the ground. He's like fifty pounds. I pick him

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Speaker 1: up and I can wrap him in whatever contortion I want,

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Speaker 1: and he will lie on top of me like that

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Speaker 1: until he comes to. And so that I love because

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Speaker 1: Chunk would never have let me like I could put

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Speaker 1: his head under my body over it, and Bert will

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Speaker 1: just let it happen like a contortionist, you know. He

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Speaker 1: just lets me do whatever I want to him. And

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Speaker 1: I love to findle that dog. I love meat on dogs.

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Speaker 1: I love when their meat is covered with fur. And

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Speaker 1: there's all these different pockets. Especially when we cut their

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Speaker 1: hair short with Burton Bernees, you could see different areas

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Speaker 1: of meat that I hadn't seen before, Like under their arms.

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Speaker 1: He has a little flap there that I'd like to

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Speaker 1: rub when I'm going to sleep. It's like self soothing

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Speaker 1: for me and for him probably. We have a new

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Speaker 1: dog groomer as well. I mean this is now becoming

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Speaker 1: a dog episode, but we have a new dog groomer.

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Speaker 1: And this groom or has shaped them in a way

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Speaker 1: that I didn't know as possible, made you know what

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Speaker 1: it did, and made me forget about every groomer I've

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Speaker 1: ever had before this. They look like little puffs. He

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Speaker 1: turned them into Teddy. They look like stuft animals. It's

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Speaker 1: like what I would my dream haircut for both of them.

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Speaker 1: And it's happening right now. Actually there. We just left

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Speaker 1: the house and they're at the house. They're getting groomed.

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Speaker 1: So the services on site. What a day? What a day?

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Speaker 1: What are we focusing on today's sweetheart? Well, I feel

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Speaker 1: like there's some good submission to say. These are submissions

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Speaker 1: that everyone has to deal with. People needing advice on

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Speaker 1: knowing when to leave a friendship or a relationship or

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Speaker 1: a job. Just there's this certain pocket of time that

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Speaker 1: you kind of start to reflect on if you're still

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Speaker 1: in the right position, and so we all go through it. Sweetheart,

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Speaker 1: is that Yeah, you've had this with jobs before, you've

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Speaker 1: had it with relationships. My problem is that I have

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Speaker 1: no impulse control, so like, when I think about quitting,

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Speaker 1: I've already quit, like and I'm the exact opposite. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you probably overdigest at all. Right, there's nothing that gives me.

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Speaker 1: I don't quit anything because I want to find a

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Speaker 1: way to make it work and for better or for worse.

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Speaker 1: It's one of those characteristics that I catch myself in

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Speaker 1: where I'm like, I know I shouldn't be doing this anymore,

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Speaker 1: but I don't want to give in to leaving. I

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Speaker 1: just think people leave things so easily, not like friendships.

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Speaker 1: So you know, we've kind of talked about this. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's like an underline under my name is a friendship ender.

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Speaker 1: I'm a friendship ender. I've ended friendship. Okay, well I've

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Speaker 1: had friendships ended. It works both ways. It's not just

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Speaker 1: that I m them. People will end them with me

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Speaker 1: because you know of something I say or do or whatever,

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Speaker 1: and I end them a lot. So and I also

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Speaker 1: have weirdly very little sentimentality towards people who are no

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Speaker 1: longer in my life. You have zero. That is that

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Speaker 1: I don't know. This is also something that we joke

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Speaker 1: about because I'm so sentimental and not in like a

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Speaker 1: memento type way, but you're not sentimental at all with

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Speaker 1: people or things. Like we sold my house. I came

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Speaker 1: home from Whistler and into a new house where in

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Speaker 1: a rental, and I haven't missed my house one single day.

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Speaker 1: I thought about it and I thought, do you missed

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Speaker 1: that street? And I said, nope, I'm so glad to

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Speaker 1: be done with it. So in a sense it is

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Speaker 1: caused for concern that I have no sentimentality because it

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Speaker 1: feels like I have that gene is missing. But in

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Speaker 1: a sense, I'm always open for a new newness. Like

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Speaker 1: when you were God, I asked if you missed someone,

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Speaker 1: and you go no, and I'm like, but you love

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Speaker 1: this person so much and like you guys have such

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Speaker 1: a good time together. She goes, I know, I just

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Speaker 1: don't think about it. I'm like, what there? I would

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Speaker 1: like we need to someone to assess that aspect of you.

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Speaker 1: Maybe we'll have Dan call in one day. We can

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Speaker 1: have him talk about it, Dan, who of course is

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Speaker 1: my therapist. I don't know what it is. I don't know,

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Speaker 1: but if you, if you have similar I'm sure there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of other people that have the same thing,

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Speaker 1: because it can't just be unique to me. So it's

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Speaker 1: got to be a chip for a gene. I have

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Speaker 1: a sneaking suspicion. Then then all these submissions are going

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Speaker 1: to be answered very quickly because it's going to be

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Speaker 1: a leave just go ahead, Yeah, because all about I

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Speaker 1: like taking a big leap of faith, and I like

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Speaker 1: new adventures when everything's on the horizon, when anything's possible,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes when you're stuck in something nothing's possible. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: well this is our opinions are probably going to differ

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Speaker 1: on these times. So the first submission comes from Farah

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Speaker 1: out of Lebanon. She's in her forties. She works in

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Speaker 1: the fashion industry. She writes, Dear Chelsea, Hi Chelsea. The

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Speaker 1: advice I'd like to get is how do you move

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Speaker 1: past friendships that have done your wrong, friendships coming to

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Speaker 1: an end, and unsupportive friends during difficult times? How do

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Speaker 1: you separate the heads from the heart after turn plus?

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Speaker 1: Here's a friendship again, something we all go through and

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Speaker 1: this is this is your area. Okay? Well, ten plus

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Speaker 1: years of friendships means that you have been given all

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Speaker 1: of the proof that you need that that person isn't

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Speaker 1: a good friend to you. Right, ten years is long

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Speaker 1: enough to make an assessment. So there you go. You

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Speaker 1: have all of this room right, and you have all

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Speaker 1: of these experiences with that person. It's like what burn

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Speaker 1: A Brown says about the marble jar? Do you do

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Speaker 1: you know what she's said? Like if you you know,

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Speaker 1: a friendship or any relationship is like a jar of marbles,

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Speaker 1: and every act of kindness, every act of reliability, every

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Speaker 1: act of compassion puts another marble in the marble jar.

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Speaker 1: So if that person once screws up, it doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: because there's so many marbles in the marble jar. But

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Speaker 1: if they consistently screw up and they're taking marbles out

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Speaker 1: at a rapid pace, then there maybe never was a

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Speaker 1: marble jar to begin with. And if something doesn't make

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Speaker 1: you feel good over a period of time, then that's

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Speaker 1: all the information you needed. And talking to your friend

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Speaker 1: at this point, I would say after ten years is

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Speaker 1: probably futile. Well, there are so there are multiple layers this,

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Speaker 1: so let's start with the first one. How do you

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Speaker 1: move past friendships that have done you wrong? I think

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Speaker 1: it would be based on the consistency of those wrong doings,

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Speaker 1: like you know, the the scale, because people make minor

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Speaker 1: mistakes all the time, and you can't just get rid.

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Speaker 1: This goes for you can't get rid of friendships over annoyances,

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Speaker 1: like you have conversations about what needs to change in

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Speaker 1: that relationship or that dynamic, and then if both people

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Speaker 1: accept those conditions, you can move forward. You've had to

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Speaker 1: have a conversation with one of your friends recently actually

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Speaker 1: about that which one? Which one are you talking about?

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Speaker 1: Without saying who it is? Where they're forgotten about you

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Speaker 1: to be more excited about things, And you're like, but

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Speaker 1: that's not how I I suggest it. Yeah, somebody said

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Speaker 1: yeah for added context, So you know, Chelsea had been

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Speaker 1: very politically active um prior to the election, and because

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Speaker 1: we did not have the resolve of the election and

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Speaker 1: we didn't have the Senate seat, there was not a

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Speaker 1: yes like we did that. Like I didn't feel celebratory.

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Speaker 1: I felt and they want and yeah, and my friend

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Speaker 1: really wanted to celebrate and was kind of annoyed that

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to celebrate at least that's how I

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Speaker 1: was perceiving it. And I was like, I'm not there yet.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to celebrate with you, you know, like

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Speaker 1: I don't want to celebrate with anybody because we have

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Speaker 1: to wait to see what happens with Georgia and then

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Speaker 1: we can celebrate. So yes, I explained myself and she

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Speaker 1: understood me totally. And she and I have an open

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Speaker 1: communication though, so we can always talk about things like

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Speaker 1: that because she and I have we are so different.

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Speaker 1: You know, she's a planner. I'm not a planner. She

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Speaker 1: likes to make plans. I don't like to make plans.

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Speaker 1: But she is also and I've said this before, she

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Speaker 1: is the best friend you have, the best friend, the

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Speaker 1: best friend I've ever had in my life. Would do

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Speaker 1: anything for you, would do any and she's just one

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Speaker 1: of these people. She would do anything for anyone within

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Speaker 1: her power. And when that was going on, you had

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Speaker 1: called you like, this is what's going on? Like what

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Speaker 1: do you think? And I basically like, this is one

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Speaker 1: of those moments where you need to appreciate what she's

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Speaker 1: bringing and that she wants you to be excited, that

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Speaker 1: she wants you to feel that and it's the exact

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Speaker 1: opposite of how you feel. But we love that about her.

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Speaker 1: Oh and I also really hurt her feelings because I

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Speaker 1: said something like hollow enthusiasm and she was really offended

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Speaker 1: by that. She's like, how can you say that hollow enthusiasm?

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Speaker 1: Not it's not hollow. This is so exciting that Biden won.

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Speaker 1: And so that was not correct of me because I

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Speaker 1: was characterizing what she was saying in a way that

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Speaker 1: was unfair, so that I had to apologize for. So

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Speaker 1: this happens in friendships. So to your point, Fairer from

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Speaker 1: Lebanon is that you're going to really need to take

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Speaker 1: this case by case with your friends, as we all do.

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Speaker 1: Unsupportive friends. There's really for me that is kind of

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Speaker 1: the worst type of friend, someone who can't enjoy your

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Speaker 1: successes with you or or be there when you call

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Speaker 1: upon them. Yeah, now that's no, that's no good for you.

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Speaker 1: That's no good for you. And one thing to remember

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Speaker 1: is when you're making decisions like this, when you get

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Speaker 1: like we talked about this all the time, when you

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Speaker 1: get rid of had weight in your life, so to speak,

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Speaker 1: that's not the right term for this, but if you

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Speaker 1: get rid of that in your life, you are opening

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Speaker 1: up yourself to more positive vibrations. Like you are saying

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Speaker 1: no to this, this is no longer acceptable to you,

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Speaker 1: and you want to standard level of friendship that is

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Speaker 1: going to operate at this level from now on, and

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Speaker 1: then that's what comes to you. I think that's important

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Speaker 1: to remember that you're not saying goodbye necessarily to a person.

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Speaker 1: You're saying goodbye to a version of you that is

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Speaker 1: no longer acceptable. Also right, because you want to be supported,

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Speaker 1: You want to be loved, and you want to be supported,

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Speaker 1: and you want your friends to have compassion uh for

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Speaker 1: you and what you're going through and that space when

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Speaker 1: when you do that, it opens up opportunities for different people,

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Speaker 1: different personalities, different perspectives to come in. And so we

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Speaker 1: talked about this with Chelsea's friends because I'm so particular

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Speaker 1: about who I hang out at her friends because some

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Speaker 1: of them fucking suck or you know, they did for

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Speaker 1: a while, and she did what I called thinning the hurt.

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Speaker 1: And now her group of friends she has, like I

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Speaker 1: don't know, ten really great girl friends that are incredible

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Speaker 1: that like, they're all very supportive of each other. They

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Speaker 1: all like want to be there for one another in

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Speaker 1: a very authentic way, and they have a good time together.

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Speaker 1: There's no expectation like you can cancel, you can. They're

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Speaker 1: always thinking about who's going to add something to the dynamic,

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Speaker 1: not like you know, they want to bring a live

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Speaker 1: wire and occasionally to spice things up. But those interactions

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Speaker 1: are never exhausting exactly, yeah, and they never make you

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Speaker 1: feel less than you want to. When you hang out

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Speaker 1: with your friends, you want to feel great about that,

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Speaker 1: otherwise why would they be your friends. You want to

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Speaker 1: leave there feeling confident, fun, secure, and supported. And so

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Speaker 1: you have to only have people in your life that

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Speaker 1: really represent that unless you know somebody in your life

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Speaker 1: that you're talking about is going through a really difficult time.

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Speaker 1: I mean, ten years sounds like a long time to

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Speaker 1: be going through a difficult time, but it's not impossible.

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Speaker 1: And also putting a little distance between you and that

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Speaker 1: friend ing that time, you can still be supportive from

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Speaker 1: a distance if you need to be with that relationship. So,

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Speaker 1: because it sounds like you talking about multiple people in

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Speaker 1: her life or one person, well, she says friendships. And

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Speaker 1: the last part of this, which I think you know

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Speaker 1: is impossible to some degree, is how do you separate

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Speaker 1: your head from your heart? I don't think you really can,

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Speaker 1: but you can accept the current state of things. Like,

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Speaker 1: once you have a level of acceptance of where you're at,

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Speaker 1: it makes things easier to process. So don't try and

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Speaker 1: like not feel one of those things. It's okay to

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Speaker 1: not want the friendship and simultaneously miss it. Yes, there

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Speaker 1: you go, right now, let's go out on that. Please.

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Speaker 1: Problem solved. Okay, we're gonna take a break, and then

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Speaker 1: we're gonna be right back. In my sexy voice, her

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00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,600
Speaker 1: next emission comes. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going

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Speaker 1: right from one to the other, but I just really

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Speaker 1: like to get into them. Our next Yeah, our next

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Speaker 1: mission comes from Nova Scotia, Halifax, Nova Scotia. Ryan. He's

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Speaker 1: twenty nine. He writes, Dear Brandon, Chelsea, I dated this thing,

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Speaker 1: says Dear Chelsea and Brandon. I mean, it's funny how

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Speaker 1: you switch that around, you know what. I feel so

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Speaker 1: literally when I read these because I'm reading them through

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Speaker 1: the mic and it's italic size, so I'm constant only

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Speaker 1: missing letters or words. So I'm gonna have to figure

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Speaker 1: something out. But Dear Brandon and Chelsea, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: he did again. Dear Chelsea and Brandon. I dated this

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Speaker 1: guy a few years ago and it was amazing for

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Speaker 1: a year, and then we both got a little too

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Speaker 1: busy with life and it hit a standstill. Six years later,

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Speaker 1: we're best friends and see each other all the time,

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Speaker 1: but now we're in a gray area. He wants to

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Speaker 1: start dating someone new, and I'm a little heartbroken. How

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Speaker 1: do we keep our friendship intact and still move on

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Speaker 1: with other relationships when our feelings are involved? Well, this

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Speaker 1: is a good question. Ryan, Hi, Ryan, Hi, guys, what

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Speaker 1: are you doing? Hi? So wait, what's the situation here?

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Speaker 1: It seems like a friendship materialized, right, So that's the problem.

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Speaker 1: So it was great a while ago, and then we

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Speaker 1: were both too busy and it kind of put a

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Speaker 1: stand cill, and we just said Okay, let's let's call

378
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,960
Speaker 1: this what it is. But nothing really changed, and now

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Speaker 1: six years later, we're best friends. But now he wants

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Speaker 1: to start dating somebody new. But are you having sex? No?

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Speaker 1: I mean I can catch a chick forever. So I

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Speaker 1: mean that would be the easy part if there was

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Speaker 1: sex involved. But it's the friendship that the hard part,

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00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,880
Speaker 1: because now all the stuff that we do together he's

385
00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:05,240
Speaker 1: an announcer doing with something else, which makes sense, but

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00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:08,399
Speaker 1: that's the part that sucks. So you guys dated y

387
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:13,159
Speaker 1: segued into a friendship. Yes, Now you've been friends for

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Speaker 1: six years and in that time he's not dated anyone else. No,

389
00:18:17,480 --> 00:18:19,679
Speaker 1: neither neither of us have. Was that in like a

390
00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:22,840
Speaker 1: tacit understanding between the two of you. I think it

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00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,480
Speaker 1: was more of like an unspoken like thing that neither

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Speaker 1: one of us were seeing anybody else, because we would

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Speaker 1: have brought it up. And now it's kind of come

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Speaker 1: to the forefront where he's like, I want to start

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00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,440
Speaker 1: seeing this other person. But for six years, you guys

396
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:37,760
Speaker 1: weren't fooling around and you weren't seeing other people. No, Well,

397
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,240
Speaker 1: but what is that? That's a friendship with no benefits,

398
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Speaker 1: with no benefits right, feeling like it's it was. It's

399
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:48,800
Speaker 1: a weird situation because we gone along so well, we

400
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,680
Speaker 1: spent so much time together and the only thing that

401
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,399
Speaker 1: we weren't doing was fooling around. Well, to me, sounds

402
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:56,919
Speaker 1: like it's time for you. First of all, you have

403
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,719
Speaker 1: to be supportive of your friend trying to find you

404
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,040
Speaker 1: have to do so that's one. And if you need

405
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:05,960
Speaker 1: time to adjust to that, then that's your personal you know,

406
00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,960
Speaker 1: choice to take some space and say, okay, let me

407
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,440
Speaker 1: I want to be supportive of you. I just want

408
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Speaker 1: to get it in my head. And there is it

409
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 1: a specific person he wants to date or is it

410
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Speaker 1: just kind of oh I see yeah, and do you

411
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Speaker 1: know the person? Uh? No, okay, okay, Well yeah, you've

412
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:25,480
Speaker 1: had it kind of un characteristically unhealthy attachment to each

413
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:31,040
Speaker 1: other for six years based on false information, right, because

414
00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:32,760
Speaker 1: you don't know if he was hooking up. He doesn't

415
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:34,320
Speaker 1: know if you were hooking up, did you? Did you

416
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Speaker 1: guys ever discuss that? No? No, And it's not like

417
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 1: I said, it's not the hooking up. But it's not

418
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Speaker 1: that part. It's the friendship that is going to change

419
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Speaker 1: because the stuff that you know, we used to do together,

420
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Speaker 1: like hanging out and going to the the beach and all

421
00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,520
Speaker 1: that kind of stuff he's now gonna want to do

422
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Speaker 1: with his significant other, which makes sense. That's what you

423
00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:52,360
Speaker 1: want to do with someone you're dating. It's that part

424
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:54,800
Speaker 1: that I think that sucks. But you still do that

425
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:56,600
Speaker 1: stuff with your friends and you bring your friend in

426
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,920
Speaker 1: like when you're dating someone. Part of that excitement is

427
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:01,560
Speaker 1: to be able to have them meet your friends and

428
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,280
Speaker 1: do things with your friends. And now you have this

429
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,639
Speaker 1: like other person to add to the mix. So have

430
00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,119
Speaker 1: you guys talked to Do you have other mutual friends?

431
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,560
Speaker 1: Is it just you too all the time? No, we

432
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,399
Speaker 1: have other mutual friends that the two of us spend

433
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,200
Speaker 1: time a lot of time together. Were you under the

434
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,359
Speaker 1: impression that you were in a relationship with your friend

435
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,359
Speaker 1: for the past six years? Did you believe that? No? No,

436
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:25,000
Speaker 1: I mean I did kind of always think that, you know,

437
00:20:25,080 --> 00:20:28,000
Speaker 1: maybe after a while, like maybe we'll you know, rekindle

438
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:29,840
Speaker 1: things or things to come up. But okay, I just

439
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,320
Speaker 1: never did, which is fine, right. I think you're putting

440
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,360
Speaker 1: a lot of pressure on his new relationship when there

441
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:37,199
Speaker 1: isn't really any proof yet of what's what that's going

442
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,840
Speaker 1: to look like right, like you're worried and you're projecting

443
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,000
Speaker 1: all of your worries onto his new relationship. That doesn't

444
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:45,639
Speaker 1: mean he's not going to spend time with you anymore.

445
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,159
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that he's not going to want to

446
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,600
Speaker 1: incorporate you into his life with the guy that he's dating,

447
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,280
Speaker 1: or that he's not gonna want to spend time with you. Yeah,

448
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,680
Speaker 1: he's not just gonna dump you for the boyfriend. You're

449
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,200
Speaker 1: just assuming that's what's going to happen. Have you talked

450
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,119
Speaker 1: to him about any of this? Have you vocal id

451
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:02,400
Speaker 1: the other one that you thought that maybe something would

452
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:04,399
Speaker 1: happen down the road. Have you talked to him about

453
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:07,280
Speaker 1: your perspective on the situation and your fears of what

454
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,919
Speaker 1: is impending if he does start dating someone. It's I mean,

455
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,600
Speaker 1: it's kind of already started. I mean we haven't, like

456
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,040
Speaker 1: we don't text every day anymore, which like things are

457
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:19,040
Speaker 1: starting to change. I just don't want to ruin the

458
00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,600
Speaker 1: friendship that we had. The only way you're going to

459
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,560
Speaker 1: ruin the friendship that you had is by holding on

460
00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,040
Speaker 1: tightly to him. That is the only way you have

461
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,520
Speaker 1: to let people go. You have to let people do

462
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:31,399
Speaker 1: and explore and do their thing and let what's that

463
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,320
Speaker 1: stupid saying they say, if you love someone, let it go.

464
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,240
Speaker 1: If they come back, it's yours. So that's how you

465
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,919
Speaker 1: know that's Christina Aguilera. Oh well that wasn't what I

466
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:43,280
Speaker 1: was thinking of. But same, same idea, same idea. If

467
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,600
Speaker 1: it never comes back, it was never yours to begin with.

468
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:48,520
Speaker 1: But yeah, you have to practice letting go because you

469
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:50,960
Speaker 1: can't hold onto that. Your friendship is only going to

470
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:53,280
Speaker 1: stay intact if you let people do what they're gonna do,

471
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,879
Speaker 1: you know, and if your feelings get hurt, show him

472
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,080
Speaker 1: a little grace because he clearly cares what you think.

473
00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:02,560
Speaker 1: If he's asking you about dating someone right, he was

474
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 1: getting your input. Did that happen? No, you just could

475
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,520
Speaker 1: have brought it up one day like, oh I'm gonna

476
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 1: start seeing this person. Uh. So he knows that you

477
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:14,560
Speaker 1: kind of have your feelings about it, So I think, yeah,

478
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:16,639
Speaker 1: so yeah, you have to do whatever you need to

479
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,960
Speaker 1: do to take your space to get past that, and

480
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:21,000
Speaker 1: it might take you longer than you think, but I

481
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,560
Speaker 1: think a good practice of exercises to really just be

482
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,879
Speaker 1: supportive of your friend and of his new relationship and

483
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:29,320
Speaker 1: just try and be that kind of person for him,

484
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,000
Speaker 1: because really, at the core of all of this is

485
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,800
Speaker 1: a friendship, right, and you want that to stay intact

486
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,520
Speaker 1: more than the sexual relationship. Just because he's dating this

487
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,800
Speaker 1: guy doesn't mean you won't end up together in six

488
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,840
Speaker 1: more years. But that's not what you should hang your

489
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,159
Speaker 1: hat on. The idea of you guys maybe being together

490
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,520
Speaker 1: at some point. You should just treat it as an

491
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,600
Speaker 1: adult would treat the situation theoretically, which is, you want

492
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,760
Speaker 1: to be supportive. You want to help him feel supported

493
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:55,560
Speaker 1: by you. You don't want him to tiptoe around you,

494
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:57,399
Speaker 1: because then you won't be in his life if he

495
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 1: has to be scared when he's around you or not

496
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,280
Speaker 1: hurt your feelings with the new guy. But you have

497
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:03,080
Speaker 1: to take the time that you need to feel okay

498
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,120
Speaker 1: with that relationship. Also because you don't want to sacrifice

499
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:09,560
Speaker 1: your own self worth or dignity or whatever you're wrestling

500
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,400
Speaker 1: with or crush at the expense of his happiness. That's

501
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,159
Speaker 1: not your responsibility either. Your your responsibilities making yourself be

502
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,560
Speaker 1: able to deal with this right in a normal, healthy way.

503
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,640
Speaker 1: Also embrace this forced change. This is giving you more

504
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,199
Speaker 1: time to explore other things for yourself. So although it

505
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,600
Speaker 1: seems like, oh, the possibilities of what could have been,

506
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:33,600
Speaker 1: that's not the possibility of what is actually happening right now.

507
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,240
Speaker 1: So take this time. You should go date. It's been

508
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:40,560
Speaker 1: six years, Go catch that dick, Go do it right.

509
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,440
Speaker 1: What are you waiting for the world is awaiting. What

510
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,640
Speaker 1: people do is they cling to these relationships, these friendships,

511
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,159
Speaker 1: these dynamics where there is like some sexual tension, but

512
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,639
Speaker 1: it's a friendship. Open yourself up to other possibilities, and

513
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,840
Speaker 1: you were going to realize, like what you thought was

514
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 1: there or what you wanted to happen was just a circumstance,

515
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,199
Speaker 1: was just because that's what you had been investing your

516
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 1: energy into. Invest that energy into something else, and you

517
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:08,400
Speaker 1: will immediately realize like, oh, that was not as dramatic

518
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 1: as intense as I thought that it was. It's just

519
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:13,119
Speaker 1: because that's what's in front of you right now. And

520
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,239
Speaker 1: here's a good saying from Eckartole or somebody. Whatever you

521
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,919
Speaker 1: resist persists, So you have to accept change. If you

522
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,240
Speaker 1: resist change, it gets worse and worse and worse and worse.

523
00:24:23,640 --> 00:24:25,679
Speaker 1: So you have to move to a place of acceptance.

524
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,520
Speaker 1: And figure out how you're going to get there. But

525
00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 1: I think that's great advice, is going out and catching

526
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 1: a bunch of dicks. Why not because safely? Well safely,

527
00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 1: because you're you're making him the focal point of your attention,

528
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:38,840
Speaker 1: and you're the focal point of your attention. You're giving

529
00:24:38,920 --> 00:24:41,119
Speaker 1: him too much power over your life when you're in

530
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,639
Speaker 1: charge of your life. So go make things happen for

531
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,480
Speaker 1: you in your personal life so that he's no longer

532
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: your focus point. Right, that's great advice, guys. All right, Ryan,

533
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 1: it was great to talk to you. I love you, guys,

534
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 1: talk to you later. By You don't change your life

535
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:59,240
Speaker 1: for man ever, and you don't let someone else control

536
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,199
Speaker 1: your emotions. This is I'm really big on this with

537
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,400
Speaker 1: other people. Are like, well this person is doing this

538
00:25:03,480 --> 00:25:05,440
Speaker 1: and causing me to feel this way. No, no, no,

539
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:09,160
Speaker 1: you're allowing yourself to feel that way. You are only

540
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 1: in control of how you respond in those situations. Yeah,

541
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 1: and thinking about you know, I had an experience. Are

542
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,840
Speaker 1: you fingering yourself? No, sweetheart, I'm just trying to butt

543
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,800
Speaker 1: in the bottom part of my dress because it came

544
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,919
Speaker 1: up open, and then I have my boobs and we

545
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,879
Speaker 1: should start doing this naked. We kind of get obsessive

546
00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:29,040
Speaker 1: about things, right, everyone does, where you kind of obsess

547
00:25:29,119 --> 00:25:32,600
Speaker 1: over a person or the way you want a situation

548
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 1: to play out. And when you realize, like you're not

549
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,880
Speaker 1: in control of other people's behavior, there's nothing you can

550
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 1: do about other people's behavior, So like you could hope

551
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:45,040
Speaker 1: and dream all you want. Like I've definitely broken up

552
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,840
Speaker 1: with boyfriends in the hopes that we would get back

553
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,720
Speaker 1: together one day. I know that game. But that's a

554
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,800
Speaker 1: good like a coping mechanism for a fresh breakup, like

555
00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:55,680
Speaker 1: to be like, Okay, it's okay, you know, maybe if

556
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 1: all works out, you know, in a couple of years,

557
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,160
Speaker 1: we'll get back together. It's it's just kind of bull

558
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,080
Speaker 1: ship that you feed yourself in order to get through it.

559
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,040
Speaker 1: I think, do you have any of your excess that now,

560
00:26:05,119 --> 00:26:08,080
Speaker 1: since so much time is laps, that you could possibly

561
00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:09,840
Speaker 1: see yourself like, oh, it would be nice like try

562
00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,280
Speaker 1: and date them again or like see where that goes. No, no,

563
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,560
Speaker 1: I don't want to date any of them again. But yeah,

564
00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 1: but I think they're all an option to date again

565
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,040
Speaker 1: because they all come out of the woodwork. You know.

566
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:22,840
Speaker 1: That's so true. About X is like, especially for women.

567
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,160
Speaker 1: I don't know how it is in the gay world,

568
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,959
Speaker 1: but they always come back an opportune time. Well that's

569
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,520
Speaker 1: because you're not supposed to be with them, so by

570
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,359
Speaker 1: the time they come back, you don't care. So when

571
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,879
Speaker 1: you're you know, you're wishing for revenge or whatever immature feeling,

572
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:37,600
Speaker 1: you're like, I can't wait till he sees me with

573
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 1: another guy. By the time he does, you don't give

574
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,680
Speaker 1: a sh it anymore. No, they've aged and you dodged

575
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:46,840
Speaker 1: that bullet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I dodged a lot of bullets.

576
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,960
Speaker 1: We should call it the Cuomo bullet. Cuomo bullet. I'm

577
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,199
Speaker 1: so glad you dodged that one. I would like to

578
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,920
Speaker 1: see ricochet back into your life. Ricochet is a good

579
00:26:55,920 --> 00:27:00,199
Speaker 1: word for that, Andrews. And again, we're just we've been

580
00:27:00,359 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: riot along Andrea or Andrea just to go with Andrea.

581
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:05,760
Speaker 1: You know I get this funked up is because your

582
00:27:05,760 --> 00:27:08,960
Speaker 1: Spanish teacher's name is Andrea. Listen, I can't even speak

583
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,280
Speaker 1: anymore on this podcast, so I can't even correct your

584
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,840
Speaker 1: grammar because mine is so out of whack. Well, we

585
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,800
Speaker 1: have Andrea from the UK. She's twenty two. She's a student.

586
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:19,199
Speaker 1: Oh she just popped up on screen, hind. I'm going

587
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,879
Speaker 1: to read your submission, so you write and dear Chelsea.

588
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:24,520
Speaker 1: I'm twenty two years old and from Ecuador studying in

589
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,400
Speaker 1: England and my boyfriend is from Columbia studying in Germany,

590
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,919
Speaker 1: so covering a lot of territory here. We've been together

591
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,560
Speaker 1: for three years and everything has been fine up until recently.

592
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,679
Speaker 1: I've been wondering if I should be single and just

593
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,399
Speaker 1: enjoy being by myself, exploring opportunities and living life without

594
00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: relationship responsibilities. I'm gonna say yes, should I be taking

595
00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:44,840
Speaker 1: advantage of my twenties without a partner. There are no

596
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,400
Speaker 1: plans of us living together after graduating. I've never met

597
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,399
Speaker 1: their family and he has never met mine. It just

598
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: feels like maybe there's no actual future with him. But

599
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:54,960
Speaker 1: I don't know if I'm overthinking it. Should we just

600
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:58,879
Speaker 1: keep going? Um? First of all, don't pre ejaculate, Okay,

601
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,879
Speaker 1: don't give advice how way through a letter. We have

602
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:02,600
Speaker 1: to get through the whole letter brand and we agreed

603
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 1: on that it could have taken a turn. Okay, Hi, Andrea,

604
00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:10,120
Speaker 1: is it Andrea or Andrea? And Andrea? Well, because she's Yeah,

605
00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:13,000
Speaker 1: because she's a South American. So yeah, it sounds like

606
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,840
Speaker 1: you're ready to give this guy the boot. Yeah, I

607
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 1: I I think so too. Do you feel badly about

608
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 1: it or for some reason? I mean, of course, but

609
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:24,639
Speaker 1: for him, not for me so much. Yeah. Right, it

610
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 1: feels like if you're not growing together and you don't

611
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:29,560
Speaker 1: feel like you are, and it only takes one person

612
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:32,199
Speaker 1: to not be growing together, then it's time for you

613
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:35,000
Speaker 1: to open up your life to more possibilities, right and

614
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:38,560
Speaker 1: explore what's Yeah, so you it sounds like you've already

615
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 1: made your decision and that you just need a stamp

616
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: of approval. So you just have to figure out how

617
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:46,200
Speaker 1: you're going to tell him, right, Yes, okay, I mean

618
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,960
Speaker 1: lucky for you, he's in another country, so there's there's

619
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,400
Speaker 1: no pressure of it being in person or what sort

620
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,720
Speaker 1: of response you're going to have to deal with with

621
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,720
Speaker 1: him being there. But I do think that this is

622
00:28:57,760 --> 00:28:59,760
Speaker 1: something as soon as you make your choice, you're not

623
00:28:59,800 --> 00:29:02,960
Speaker 1: doing him any services by keeping it going. So now

624
00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,040
Speaker 1: that you know, very very confidently, like I want to

625
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,160
Speaker 1: be by myself. I want to embrace my a loneness,

626
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,760
Speaker 1: which is a beautiful feeling, right, you should feel so

627
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,480
Speaker 1: like bold and that it's freedom. It's like, oh my god,

628
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:19,400
Speaker 1: the whole world is a possibility. Yeah, it does feel

629
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,760
Speaker 1: that way. Does feel. I'm excited for you. This is

630
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 1: going to be a fun adventure for you. Yeah. And

631
00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:26,760
Speaker 1: it's so empowering to make a decision like this to

632
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: know that it's time to excise someone. Well, in the

633
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:31,520
Speaker 1: excise sounds a little bit harsh, but to get somebody

634
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,120
Speaker 1: out of your life, and you know it's out of

635
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 1: fairness to him. And I think you have an opportunity

636
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,959
Speaker 1: here to really handle yourself with grace and dignity, you know,

637
00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 1: and make yourself proud of yourself. So when you look

638
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:44,880
Speaker 1: back at this ten years later, you're like, I handled

639
00:29:44,920 --> 00:29:47,840
Speaker 1: that exactly the right way. You know, I didn't take

640
00:29:47,880 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 1: advantage of him, I didn't string him along, and be

641
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 1: respectful and honest and have integrity in the way that

642
00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 1: you say goodbye to him, and then you're setting yourself

643
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,680
Speaker 1: up for even more success in the future. Yeah. I

644
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,560
Speaker 1: actually agree. You just need to do it soon. That's

645
00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 1: that's the only thing. That's the only advice that I have. Yeah,

646
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 1: I think soon, it's better than later. I think to

647
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:12,080
Speaker 1: bring him along for longer, it's not fair to him.

648
00:30:12,120 --> 00:30:14,480
Speaker 1: I think you just have to tell him I'm ready

649
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 1: to be single, because there's nothing to debate about that

650
00:30:18,920 --> 00:30:21,160
Speaker 1: statement if you think about it. But if you just

651
00:30:21,280 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 1: keep your first opening statement very simple so that there's

652
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:27,520
Speaker 1: no need for clarification about what you're asking for, which

653
00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:29,920
Speaker 1: is basically to break up. You're not asking, but you're

654
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:32,960
Speaker 1: basically telling him you're breaking up. And yeah, make it

655
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,960
Speaker 1: short and sweet and succinct, and then let him talk.

656
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: And I think that if this were me going through

657
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:42,360
Speaker 1: this breakup, I would say that you gave enough reasoning

658
00:30:42,480 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 1: behind it without having to explain yourself. Don't over explain yourself.

659
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,200
Speaker 1: You should you shouldn't have to do that. You vocalize like,

660
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 1: I'm just ready to be alone, like I've been thinking

661
00:30:50,680 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 1: about myself and prioritizing myself, and that's all you need

662
00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:55,800
Speaker 1: to say. And yeah, he may have a rebuttal or

663
00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: he may have a question, and you can't let his

664
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:02,040
Speaker 1: response influence you because you've made that decision. And again,

665
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 1: if in three weeks you're starting to rethink that, that's

666
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 1: also okay. But you just need to say in firm

667
00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:11,280
Speaker 1: and your choice to be alone yeah, I'm kind of

668
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:14,719
Speaker 1: afraid of his reaction. That's mostly it. Well, are you

669
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:18,960
Speaker 1: afraid because you're afraid that he will be mean in

670
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:23,280
Speaker 1: his response, that he'll be overly emotional? I think it's

671
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 1: more the emotional board. I don't know if I can

672
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 1: handle like me being sad about it too, because I

673
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 1: am sad, but also dealing with how to comfort him

674
00:31:34,400 --> 00:31:37,480
Speaker 1: when I'm ready to also move on. Yes, but that's

675
00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,920
Speaker 1: part of being in a relationship and part of breaking up,

676
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. You can't be like a

677
00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:43,760
Speaker 1: cold hearted bitch and be like, Okay, sorry you're feeling bad,

678
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 1: but good luck with everything I'm going to date. You

679
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: do have a certain responsibility to somebody that you've been

680
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,840
Speaker 1: with for three years. I would argue, Yeah, it's not fun,

681
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:52,760
Speaker 1: but this is what you have to go through in life.

682
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 1: You know. That's called adult ing for a reason, Like

683
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:58,280
Speaker 1: we all have to kind of sometimes have really difficult conversations.

684
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,160
Speaker 1: No one wants to break up with anyone, but I

685
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: think that you can present it that way as well,

686
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,280
Speaker 1: that now you guys need time to process this separately,

687
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:09,520
Speaker 1: but you're still there and that you know you'd like

688
00:32:09,560 --> 00:32:12,160
Speaker 1: to continue a friendship and that communication is not cut off.

689
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,840
Speaker 1: But it's important that, like over a certain amount of

690
00:32:14,880 --> 00:32:18,600
Speaker 1: time that you reflect on this alone, that you're processing

691
00:32:18,600 --> 00:32:23,960
Speaker 1: this alone. That's good, write that down. And how long

692
00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 1: it's healthy for after a breakup to not talk after

693
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:29,760
Speaker 1: talking almost every day, Well, I think that's really going

694
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,080
Speaker 1: to depend on your dynamic. Sadly, I don't know that

695
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:34,360
Speaker 1: we're gonna be able to give you a specific date

696
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 1: or time. You have to be compassionate that he's going

697
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,240
Speaker 1: to be going through a difficult time, but I'm sure

698
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:39,480
Speaker 1: he's going to come to the point where he's not

699
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,040
Speaker 1: gonna want to talk to you either for a period

700
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,720
Speaker 1: of time. But also I would like to say that

701
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,320
Speaker 1: you're not responsible for his emotions. When you break up

702
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,160
Speaker 1: with someone, it's like they want to take the last

703
00:32:47,200 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: bit that they can from you, and so you need

704
00:32:49,400 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: to be supportive of him in the break of Like,

705
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:54,360
Speaker 1: we're both going to be going through some emotions with

706
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:56,680
Speaker 1: this again, we need to process them separately. But you

707
00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:58,720
Speaker 1: can send a text like, Hey, just checking in. I'm

708
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:00,600
Speaker 1: not looking for a full conversation and just wanted to

709
00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:02,000
Speaker 1: let you know I was thinking about you. I hope

710
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:04,240
Speaker 1: you're doing well, Like those little things mean a lot.

711
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 1: But again you're setting like a very specific precedent like

712
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:10,320
Speaker 1: I'm not here to talk. I just wanted you to know, like,

713
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: no need to respond to And as a friend, I'm asking,

714
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 1: as a friend, somebody who cares about you as a friend,

715
00:33:16,440 --> 00:33:19,040
Speaker 1: how you're doing checking in you know, that might be

716
00:33:19,040 --> 00:33:21,200
Speaker 1: a little bit less harsh than saying I'm not looking

717
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: for a full conversation. Well and say, hey, I'm checking

718
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: in on you as your friend. You know I care

719
00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:28,000
Speaker 1: about you, and I you know I still love you

720
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: or whatever you think, feel comfortable telling him. But yes,

721
00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:33,840
Speaker 1: so you can be compassionate to a degree. I said earlier,

722
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:36,440
Speaker 1: nobody wants to break up with anybody. Nobody wants to

723
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,800
Speaker 1: have the conversation breaking up with anybody, Like, nobody looks

724
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,440
Speaker 1: forward to that. So and if you do, then you're fucked.

725
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 1: Like if that's what that if that's what brings you

726
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:48,520
Speaker 1: joy in life, then there's a real issue totally. Yeah, No,

727
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,640
Speaker 1: it's true, nobody looks forward to that conversation now, but

728
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 1: you're gonna feel really good about yourself after you have

729
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,440
Speaker 1: the conversation. Maybe not in that moment, not maybe in

730
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: that conversation but in the weeks that follow that, you're

731
00:34:00,600 --> 00:34:03,520
Speaker 1: going to start to feel your power and you know

732
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:06,120
Speaker 1: you're doing the right thing. Your decisions already been made.

733
00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,480
Speaker 1: We're reinforcing your decision and it's going to be good.

734
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 1: The future is bright for you and for your future.

735
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:15,960
Speaker 1: Ex boyfriend. Yes, thank you so much. Let us know

736
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:20,920
Speaker 1: how it goes. I will thank you. Okak bye bye bye.

737
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,520
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of who your last break up was. Well,

738
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:27,759
Speaker 1: you had to break up with somebody Aspen. Remember that

739
00:34:27,800 --> 00:34:30,479
Speaker 1: guy that I went to Aspen with And I thought

740
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:32,239
Speaker 1: I was so excited. I thought I was listening to

741
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 1: Actually I've had to do that for oh really BAMF

742
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:40,880
Speaker 1: And it's always a ski trip. Sweetheart knows immediately on

743
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:42,879
Speaker 1: the ski trip if it's not going to end well,

744
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,960
Speaker 1: and then she has. And Aspen I met up with

745
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:47,440
Speaker 1: an Asppen. I had met him in New York a

746
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:49,360
Speaker 1: couple of times, and then we went to ask together.

747
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:52,120
Speaker 1: I just after one night and I was like, I

748
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,520
Speaker 1: cannot share a hotel room with this man for three days,

749
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 1: Like there's just no fucking way I can do that.

750
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,520
Speaker 1: I've never I haven't done that in years. And you

751
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,480
Speaker 1: were so excited, and I was so excited. I was like,

752
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,040
Speaker 1: this is what I why I still have an immature brain,

753
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,280
Speaker 1: because I believe that every time when I get excited

754
00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:09,239
Speaker 1: about a guy, that it will be like this guy

755
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:11,319
Speaker 1: is different, I'm gonna like him, like, I'm gonna stick

756
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:14,320
Speaker 1: with it. And then, of course, within I slept with

757
00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,239
Speaker 1: him one night, he slept in my hotel room, and

758
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,799
Speaker 1: I was like, you've got to get him out of

759
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,719
Speaker 1: my room. I don't know what you're gonna do. The

760
00:35:19,760 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: way you were acting leading up to this was like

761
00:35:21,719 --> 00:35:23,200
Speaker 1: when you're in high school and your parents are going

762
00:35:23,239 --> 00:35:25,279
Speaker 1: out town for three days, like over the weekend, and

763
00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:27,960
Speaker 1: you can finally have your boyfriend and girlfriend sleepover. That's

764
00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:29,200
Speaker 1: how you were just like, oh my god, I'm gonna

765
00:35:29,200 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 1: have three days and then my girlfriends because this is why,

766
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,360
Speaker 1: because A, yeah, my girlfriends were coming. So that was

767
00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:35,880
Speaker 1: like even better because really, all I want to do

768
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:38,480
Speaker 1: is be with my girlfriends. But you know again, why

769
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 1: you can become a lesbian. Yeah, but I had already

770
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 1: had sex with him in New York, so I knew

771
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 1: he was a viable candidate. Because my fear is always

772
00:35:45,560 --> 00:35:47,560
Speaker 1: like there's gonna be some weird sex thing that I

773
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:49,640
Speaker 1: don't like, or I'm not gonna you know, we're not

774
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:51,759
Speaker 1: gonna have chemistry in that way. So once I had

775
00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:54,760
Speaker 1: a successful sex with him, I thought for sure Aspen

776
00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:58,280
Speaker 1: was a no brainer. But I did not like having

777
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: a man in my bedroom. I don't like the sense

778
00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:06,080
Speaker 1: s e C E N T s that comes from

779
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:08,839
Speaker 1: men in the morning, not specific to him, specific to men.

780
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:12,640
Speaker 1: I don't like any funky smells. I want just I

781
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 1: want to smell me and Bert. So that was a

782
00:36:16,160 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: mistake on my part. I put the cart before the

783
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:21,359
Speaker 1: horse a little bit again. So yeah, instead of saying, oh, hey,

784
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:23,360
Speaker 1: maybe we were only supposed to spend one night in

785
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:25,839
Speaker 1: the hotel room because he was meeting up with his friends. Yes,

786
00:36:25,880 --> 00:36:27,919
Speaker 1: but you, if I remember correctly, you went in early

787
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 1: because it was only supposed to be one night. And

788
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,280
Speaker 1: then you're like, no, I want to go in dextra

789
00:36:31,440 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 1: day before. Yeah, yeah, that was a mistake. And then

790
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:38,440
Speaker 1: and then the BAMF guy, Well that guy was a

791
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,960
Speaker 1: real I had to tell him that all of his

792
00:36:40,960 --> 00:36:42,680
Speaker 1: stuff had gone down to the front desk and he

793
00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:44,799
Speaker 1: could pick up all of his belongings there. He he

794
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:46,520
Speaker 1: had just texted me do. The funniest thing about this

795
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:50,120
Speaker 1: was I was in Spain working and I was getting

796
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:52,759
Speaker 1: the house ready and he had just sent me this

797
00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,359
Speaker 1: a really nice text message about like, hey, I see

798
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:58,279
Speaker 1: all you do for her. I'm really excited to see

799
00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:00,919
Speaker 1: where the relationship goes with her, and you know, thanks

800
00:37:00,960 --> 00:37:04,720
Speaker 1: for everything. Yes, yes he did. He must have been high.

801
00:37:04,960 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 1: I'm sure sure it was, but it was nice. I'm like, oh,

802
00:37:07,239 --> 00:37:09,000
Speaker 1: this must be going well. And you had seen him

803
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 1: multiple times and the next thing I know, you're texting me, Hey,

804
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:13,840
Speaker 1: I need you to do something. I need you to

805
00:37:13,880 --> 00:37:15,319
Speaker 1: break up with this guy for me. I can't do it,

806
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,600
Speaker 1: like I don't want to see him again. Just tell

807
00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,200
Speaker 1: him all of his stuff downstairs. So I have to

808
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 1: reply to his text message speaking so like, you know,

809
00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:28,200
Speaker 1: nicely about you, And then I'm like, hey, uh, just

810
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,120
Speaker 1: gotta let you know everything. I don't have contexts, but

811
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,239
Speaker 1: I guess your stuff is at the front desk, and

812
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:34,719
Speaker 1: so should I go up? And I go I don't

813
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:36,880
Speaker 1: think so, no, no, no, I think you should just

814
00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:40,719
Speaker 1: get it, and he was Yeah, that was justified on

815
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:44,200
Speaker 1: my behalf because he had some serious mental issues and

816
00:37:44,239 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 1: I have some serious mental issues. So it sounds like

817
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 1: we were We all have mental issues, as we're seeing

818
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:52,480
Speaker 1: in these submissions and as we've talked about with ourselves.

819
00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 1: The next one comes from Jen Jen Lopez. Jennifer, is

820
00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:00,399
Speaker 1: it Jennifer? Oh? This must be about Ben probably is

821
00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,800
Speaker 1: If this is all these are all your dreams coming true? Oh? No,

822
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,840
Speaker 1: you don't like them together? Right? No? I love them together? Okay? Yeah? Yeah?

823
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:09,400
Speaker 1: And can I just say something about a Rod please?

824
00:38:09,680 --> 00:38:11,920
Speaker 1: Can we cancel him? I mean, he is such a

825
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:16,640
Speaker 1: fucking asshole. I mean everybody he's dated he has cheated on,

826
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:20,400
Speaker 1: and he's notorious for it. And he's not fucking cute.

827
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 1: He's not sexy or cute at all at all. And

828
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,560
Speaker 1: and he's tortures women. You know, why is he out there?

829
00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 1: He doesn't play baseball anymore. What's his value? Hillo? Hi, Jen? Hi?

830
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:37,480
Speaker 1: Who are you? We haven't read your submission yet, but

831
00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:39,719
Speaker 1: since you're here, why don't you just give us give

832
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:44,000
Speaker 1: us the update live in action? Yeah? Absolutely so, I

833
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:48,560
Speaker 1: guess right now, I'm dealing with this entire situation where

834
00:38:48,600 --> 00:38:50,920
Speaker 1: I was laid off from my job last year due

835
00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,080
Speaker 1: to COVID. Sorry about that. Started helping out in the

836
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:56,759
Speaker 1: family business which my parents have owned a restaurant for

837
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,080
Speaker 1: fifteen years and it's been operated by my mom and

838
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:04,080
Speaker 1: my dad. I started helping out, I became involved. Now

839
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,960
Speaker 1: I'm in a place where I'm no longer happy being there.

840
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,759
Speaker 1: I'm having to deal with their constant arguments and I'm

841
00:39:10,800 --> 00:39:12,920
Speaker 1: just not happy, and it's staying in told of my

842
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 1: mental health and pretty much I'm just not happy there.

843
00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:19,080
Speaker 1: So now I'm just debating on whether I'm making the

844
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:23,840
Speaker 1: right decision to leave the family business, knowing that leaving

845
00:39:23,880 --> 00:39:26,960
Speaker 1: them means that, you know, they won't have that extra

846
00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:30,680
Speaker 1: help that they need. And I'm kind of debating, like

847
00:39:30,760 --> 00:39:32,960
Speaker 1: on what I should do. Should I leave or should

848
00:39:33,000 --> 00:39:35,960
Speaker 1: I stay? And you know where, I'm not happy, and

849
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:39,640
Speaker 1: I'm most of all them pretty much jeopardized and my happiness. Yeah,

850
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:41,800
Speaker 1: it sounds like it. It sounds like you are jeopardizing

851
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:44,279
Speaker 1: your happiness. First of all, can they find someone to

852
00:39:44,320 --> 00:39:48,439
Speaker 1: replace you? They can, But I think right now they're

853
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:52,799
Speaker 1: just become so used to me being there where I've

854
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:56,040
Speaker 1: gone to job interviews and I've applied to great jobs

855
00:39:56,080 --> 00:39:58,640
Speaker 1: and I've got offerings. But as I'm getting ready for

856
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:01,160
Speaker 1: all of these exciting things in the back of my head,

857
00:40:01,239 --> 00:40:03,439
Speaker 1: I'm I'm worried that they're not going to be able

858
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,160
Speaker 1: to do things, and I'm going to receive a phone

859
00:40:06,200 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 1: call that, hey, this is not working. Can you come

860
00:40:08,600 --> 00:40:10,160
Speaker 1: fix that? Can you do this? Can you do that?

861
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:12,719
Speaker 1: So that's my biggest word. So I don't know what

862
00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:14,799
Speaker 1: I should do. Well, it sounds like you need some

863
00:40:14,840 --> 00:40:16,839
Speaker 1: serious boundaries and you need to get away from your

864
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,800
Speaker 1: family dynamic because the way to keep a family intact

865
00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:23,040
Speaker 1: is to not jeopardize the dynamic, right, And by working

866
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:27,040
Speaker 1: with them together, you're becoming interdependent and then so you're

867
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:30,359
Speaker 1: affecting the dynamic and adlatarious way, right. You only want

868
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 1: to enhance that dynamics. So by leaving and not working

869
00:40:33,040 --> 00:40:35,520
Speaker 1: with your parents, you will enhance your dynamic with them.

870
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:37,360
Speaker 1: It may not feel that way right away, and you

871
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:40,000
Speaker 1: probably will get a bunch of those calls saying this

872
00:40:40,040 --> 00:40:42,560
Speaker 1: person isn't working, but there will be somebody who does

873
00:40:42,600 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 1: work for them that will take over the responsibilities that

874
00:40:45,680 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 1: you're feeling burdened with. Because right now, what I see

875
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:53,719
Speaker 1: on your face is you feel burdened, yes, And I

876
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:55,920
Speaker 1: you know, I'm thinking, I'm like, am I going to

877
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,239
Speaker 1: be a bad daughter. I know I shouldn't have to

878
00:40:58,239 --> 00:41:01,160
Speaker 1: worry about what other people think about look at your daughter.

879
00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: She's leaving you and leaving you behind, and I know

880
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:06,680
Speaker 1: I shouldn't worry about that, but I'm still part of

881
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:09,600
Speaker 1: me still cares. You know. I don't want them to

882
00:41:09,719 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 1: think or anybody to think that I just gave up

883
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: on them. No, and I don't think that they will.

884
00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:17,080
Speaker 1: If you put this in the right way, you can

885
00:41:17,120 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 1: explain to them that your relationship with them is so

886
00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 1: important to you that it's important for you to move

887
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:25,600
Speaker 1: on work wise in order to salvage that relationship. You

888
00:41:25,640 --> 00:41:28,160
Speaker 1: don't want to harm your relationship with your parents, and

889
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:30,560
Speaker 1: you feel like working for them is, you know, muddying

890
00:41:30,640 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 1: the lines. There's really nice ways to put that. And

891
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:37,000
Speaker 1: nobody thinks you don't care about your parents. You're not

892
00:41:37,080 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 1: responsible for your parents business, Like that's just not the

893
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:43,439
Speaker 1: way it is. And you've put in your time right,

894
00:41:43,560 --> 00:41:45,680
Speaker 1: you've helped them. So this is kind of like if

895
00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 1: you look at it, like this was always a bridge

896
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:50,080
Speaker 1: for me. This was always just kind of during COVID,

897
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 1: during the pandemic, like we have to all get on

898
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:56,360
Speaker 1: with our lives and if we want our relationship to thrive.

899
00:41:56,800 --> 00:42:00,600
Speaker 1: It's not going to be working together, right, just making

900
00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:03,680
Speaker 1: sure I'm making the right decision to go back to

901
00:42:03,800 --> 00:42:08,799
Speaker 1: my normal life. At the same time, I'm just not happy. Yeah,

902
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,640
Speaker 1: well that's more important. That's your number one issue is

903
00:42:11,640 --> 00:42:14,440
Speaker 1: your happiness, right. You have to make yourself happy. And

904
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:16,319
Speaker 1: the way that to be a great daughter is also

905
00:42:16,400 --> 00:42:18,520
Speaker 1: to have your own life. You know, have a job

906
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:20,799
Speaker 1: where you're meeting new people, you're meeting new friends, you're

907
00:42:20,840 --> 00:42:24,319
Speaker 1: hanging out in different environment, You're stimulated, you're learning something new,

908
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:27,799
Speaker 1: and acclimating to a new surrounding of people is going

909
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:29,800
Speaker 1: to be helpful in your relationship with your parents, and

910
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:32,040
Speaker 1: you're gonna have more to come together on if you

911
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:34,160
Speaker 1: don't work together. Also, which is a good point to

912
00:42:34,239 --> 00:42:36,359
Speaker 1: possibly bring up to them. What are your parents like?

913
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:40,560
Speaker 1: Are they going to receive this news? Well? Are they so? Really? Funny?

914
00:42:40,600 --> 00:42:45,040
Speaker 1: Quick story in early two thousand's, my dad actually worked

915
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:48,080
Speaker 1: with you in chaia Venice, and I have a lot

916
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:51,680
Speaker 1: of old polaroid photos of you and my dad when

917
00:42:51,719 --> 00:42:54,680
Speaker 1: they used to bar tend together in chaia Venice. Who

918
00:42:54,760 --> 00:42:57,399
Speaker 1: is your dad? His name was head out of though

919
00:42:57,480 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: he used to call him tattoo. So, oh my god,

920
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 1: Tattoo was your father? Yes, so well, um, my dad

921
00:43:05,120 --> 00:43:07,839
Speaker 1: would always tell me these stories about how you were.

922
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:09,680
Speaker 1: One day you would remind him that you were going

923
00:43:09,760 --> 00:43:11,360
Speaker 1: to be famous. You're gonna be famous, and you were

924
00:43:11,360 --> 00:43:12,840
Speaker 1: going to get out of Chaia and you were going

925
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:16,000
Speaker 1: to be famous. And so my dad has kept this

926
00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,440
Speaker 1: entire just box of photos. So that's my dad. And

927
00:43:19,640 --> 00:43:23,520
Speaker 1: he's a very personal person. And he started his own

928
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:26,120
Speaker 1: business with my mom. What kind of business is it.

929
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,840
Speaker 1: It's a restaurant. So they were definitely impacted with COVID

930
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:34,040
Speaker 1: and we almost last my dad last year due to COVID,

931
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,200
Speaker 1: which put me in the position that I had to

932
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:39,040
Speaker 1: take on the family business. So that itself was already

933
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:42,360
Speaker 1: a lot for me. So but my mom is really understanding,

934
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 1: it is very supportive, but I still feel that guilt

935
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:47,799
Speaker 1: of leaving the family. Yeah, well that's your stuff that

936
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:49,919
Speaker 1: you're going to have to figure out. You're gonna feel

937
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:52,680
Speaker 1: better about that once you're in a new environment and

938
00:43:52,719 --> 00:43:55,360
Speaker 1: if you come First of all, Tattoo was sucking awesome.

939
00:43:55,400 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 1: Your dad was so much fun. We used to have

940
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,879
Speaker 1: so much fun working together because he and I had

941
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:03,399
Speaker 1: such a great little chemistry. He was a bus boy

942
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,160
Speaker 1: at Shy of Ennis and I was like a cocktail

943
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:07,520
Speaker 1: waitress or. We were always at the bar, so that's

944
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:09,200
Speaker 1: probably why it seemed like we were. One of us

945
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:11,319
Speaker 1: was bar attending, but we would drink all the time

946
00:44:11,360 --> 00:44:14,200
Speaker 1: while we were working. And I remember running into him

947
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:17,000
Speaker 1: years later, and he just had the best energy, you know,

948
00:44:17,120 --> 00:44:18,880
Speaker 1: your dad has just like I can see you in

949
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,719
Speaker 1: him because he had He's just funny and like, you know,

950
00:44:21,760 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 1: a practical joker, you know, would come in and like

951
00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:26,040
Speaker 1: put a piece of food in between my bill fold,

952
00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:28,520
Speaker 1: Like I would love to eat these little goat cheese

953
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:30,680
Speaker 1: things that the chefs would make, but you couldn't really

954
00:44:30,760 --> 00:44:32,400
Speaker 1: order them as a server. You would have to just

955
00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:34,879
Speaker 1: kind of steal him if somebody didn't eat them, these

956
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:37,040
Speaker 1: little fried goat cheese. And he would always put a

957
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:39,399
Speaker 1: little fried goat cheese in my bill fold, and he'd

958
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,120
Speaker 1: be like, there's a present for you in your bill

959
00:44:41,760 --> 00:44:44,600
Speaker 1: So make sure you tell him that, please. I'm gonna

960
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,759
Speaker 1: tell him tell him to call me. I still have

961
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:49,600
Speaker 1: the same cell phone number, by the way, he has

962
00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:53,480
Speaker 1: the number, but he does. He has these amazing stories

963
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:56,040
Speaker 1: about you. Okay, well, what's the restaurant called, so we

964
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: can swing by and bring it some business. Uh, It's

965
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 1: called Lolo's All in the city of Inglewood, where located

966
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:05,280
Speaker 1: less than a mile away from the new Sofi Stadium.

967
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:08,320
Speaker 1: You've been there for fifteen years and he is there

968
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:10,920
Speaker 1: every day. Okay, nnan, we'll go there one day after

969
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,480
Speaker 1: our podcast recording. I want to give her my advice

970
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:17,399
Speaker 1: as an assistant and how you should handle this from

971
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:21,520
Speaker 1: a business perspective. Okay, so do your family obviously, like

972
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:24,759
Speaker 1: the intermixing business and personal is always going to be complicated,

973
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:26,919
Speaker 1: but I think that there's something you can do to

974
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:29,040
Speaker 1: get yourself out of that position. But set your parents up.

975
00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:32,240
Speaker 1: And what I would do and what her previous assistant

976
00:45:32,239 --> 00:45:35,520
Speaker 1: did for me, is when that time has come, you

977
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,279
Speaker 1: know it, you're gonna have to pull the trigger. So

978
00:45:37,360 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: you need to find two replacements. You need to find

979
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:43,879
Speaker 1: two people who could seamlessly take over what you've been doing.

980
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:46,719
Speaker 1: It's good to have two options. Then your parents feel

981
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,080
Speaker 1: like they're involved in the decision making process. But this

982
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:51,360
Speaker 1: also safeguards you because then if they choose someone and

983
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,920
Speaker 1: they suck, you can remind them that you chose that person.

984
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:57,759
Speaker 1: I just present to do the two options. So in

985
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: doing that, you're showing them like, hey, I want to

986
00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:01,640
Speaker 1: set you guys up, but I also have to get

987
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:03,280
Speaker 1: out of here. Like here or two people I really

988
00:46:03,280 --> 00:46:06,040
Speaker 1: believe are going to be able to enhance, like do

989
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:07,960
Speaker 1: more than what I've been able to do, because they

990
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:11,200
Speaker 1: have more bandwidth to invest in this, like in the business.

991
00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:14,600
Speaker 1: In this role, you have to remove the personal aspect

992
00:46:14,680 --> 00:46:16,680
Speaker 1: for yourself and imagine this is a job that you

993
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:19,640
Speaker 1: have to leave, but you want your family, you want

994
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:22,440
Speaker 1: this business to succeed. So before you have that like

995
00:46:22,520 --> 00:46:24,640
Speaker 1: finishing conversation with them, you should already have these two

996
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:26,360
Speaker 1: people in your back pocket, like I've already done this.

997
00:46:26,719 --> 00:46:29,080
Speaker 1: They're ready to meet you. We can interview them together

998
00:46:29,320 --> 00:46:32,160
Speaker 1: so you feel comfortable, and then it feels like more

999
00:46:32,200 --> 00:46:37,560
Speaker 1: of an inclusion, more of a hands on transference of power. Right,

1000
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:40,279
Speaker 1: I mean hopefully that's the plan, and I definitely will

1001
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:42,840
Speaker 1: take that advice. Yeah, I think you're struggling with the

1002
00:46:42,880 --> 00:46:46,000
Speaker 1: guilt component. You feel burdened, and then that's normal. I

1003
00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:48,880
Speaker 1: mean your love, your parents. Of course, you know you

1004
00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:50,839
Speaker 1: you feel a little bit guilty, but like just because

1005
00:46:50,880 --> 00:46:52,839
Speaker 1: you feel guilty about something doesn't mean it doesn't have

1006
00:46:52,880 --> 00:46:57,280
Speaker 1: to happen, obviously, and the guilt is okay to feel,

1007
00:46:57,680 --> 00:46:59,439
Speaker 1: but you have to do something about it. So that's

1008
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:02,040
Speaker 1: why setting them up by bringing other people in that

1009
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:04,719
Speaker 1: Once you know that, hey, I've done what I can

1010
00:47:04,760 --> 00:47:07,160
Speaker 1: do to support you guys in this and to help

1011
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:11,640
Speaker 1: alleviate the pressure of me leaving. If it still doesn't

1012
00:47:11,680 --> 00:47:13,680
Speaker 1: work out, you can no longer feel guilty because you've

1013
00:47:13,719 --> 00:47:16,400
Speaker 1: done what you can for them. But you still have

1014
00:47:16,440 --> 00:47:17,960
Speaker 1: to live your life and you have to operate in

1015
00:47:17,960 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 1: a way that you are going to be happy, and

1016
00:47:19,719 --> 00:47:22,239
Speaker 1: really that's all they want. So there may be a temporary,

1017
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:26,080
Speaker 1: you know, the battle of power or wills in that situation,

1018
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 1: but inevitably they want you to be happy. I think

1019
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:32,399
Speaker 1: so too. It's just a matter of me getting over

1020
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:34,719
Speaker 1: the guilt and you know, making sure that I am

1021
00:47:34,800 --> 00:47:37,200
Speaker 1: making the right decision, because at the end of the day,

1022
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:39,640
Speaker 1: I don't want to feel like I'm the bad daughter,

1023
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:41,719
Speaker 1: because I don't think i am, and I'm very proud

1024
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:44,400
Speaker 1: of what I've done. But I don't know what you

1025
00:47:44,480 --> 00:47:46,680
Speaker 1: probably your parents probably don't feel any of the things

1026
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:49,799
Speaker 1: that you think that they feel. Anyway, you know they're

1027
00:47:49,840 --> 00:47:52,080
Speaker 1: not going to guilt you, and they actually want you

1028
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:55,600
Speaker 1: to leave. They're just like, can your dad tattoo? Because

1029
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:58,319
Speaker 1: he would always go to plane the plane like from

1030
00:47:58,360 --> 00:48:03,600
Speaker 1: Fantasy Island. He's short and he's got this compact body

1031
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:05,680
Speaker 1: and he oh my god, he would do it all

1032
00:48:05,680 --> 00:48:07,759
Speaker 1: the time for me. Any time I was having a

1033
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:11,320
Speaker 1: bad shift, he got the plane to plane. I loved

1034
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,719
Speaker 1: his body. Yeah, anyway, it's a small world. We're going

1035
00:48:14,760 --> 00:48:16,400
Speaker 1: to swing by there for lunch one day, so let

1036
00:48:16,480 --> 00:48:20,240
Speaker 1: him know we're on our way. Yes, he is very excited,

1037
00:48:20,400 --> 00:48:22,400
Speaker 1: is he? There are certain days so we know she

1038
00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:27,400
Speaker 1: said every day? Every day? Every day okay, but definitely

1039
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 1: Saturday in a Sunday okay, oh great, we can go

1040
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:33,399
Speaker 1: and then we can go rollerblade. Perfect. Perfect. I'd love

1041
00:48:33,400 --> 00:48:36,160
Speaker 1: to blade too. Is it in an alsa gundo? Now

1042
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:39,719
Speaker 1: where did you say? Yeah? We can rollerblade to the

1043
00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:43,560
Speaker 1: forum and then back perfect? Irving opened it up? All right,

1044
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:47,759
Speaker 1: thank you so much? Okay, Yeah, so nice to meet you, Jen,

1045
00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:51,200
Speaker 1: Bye bye. God. Those were the days when I used

1046
00:48:51,200 --> 00:48:53,680
Speaker 1: to get fired from working in restaurants. I love hearing

1047
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:55,759
Speaker 1: about all the places that you worked. We I love

1048
00:48:55,840 --> 00:48:57,520
Speaker 1: running into all the bus boys that I worked with,

1049
00:48:57,520 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 1: because they that's who I hung out with. Like we

1050
00:48:59,640 --> 00:49:02,200
Speaker 1: had the most fun because everybody else was always so

1051
00:49:02,239 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 1: stuck up, you know, Like I'd go in the back

1052
00:49:04,080 --> 00:49:07,000
Speaker 1: and we'd smoke weed together and we'd have fun, and

1053
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:10,320
Speaker 1: you know, so many good memories from working at Roasty

1054
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:13,520
Speaker 1: and Chaia Venice Chaia I was. I was actually fired

1055
00:49:13,560 --> 00:49:15,920
Speaker 1: from every restaurant that I've ever worked at, but Chaia.

1056
00:49:16,000 --> 00:49:18,319
Speaker 1: When I got fired from that restaurant, I became one

1057
00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:20,880
Speaker 1: of the best customers. We should do We should start

1058
00:49:20,920 --> 00:49:23,680
Speaker 1: a Chelsea Handler bus tour where you just take people

1059
00:49:23,719 --> 00:49:24,839
Speaker 1: like you do with me when I'm in the car

1060
00:49:24,880 --> 00:49:27,399
Speaker 1: and you point out places like, oh, I fun this guy, like,

1061
00:49:27,480 --> 00:49:30,120
Speaker 1: oh this is the apartment where this or that happened.

1062
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:33,399
Speaker 1: I used to an apartment that I had. You think,

1063
00:49:33,440 --> 00:49:35,399
Speaker 1: remember you brought up this house that I had seen

1064
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:37,759
Speaker 1: that we were like that I didn't remember I had seen,

1065
00:49:37,840 --> 00:49:40,000
Speaker 1: and then tried to make an offer on it. Well.

1066
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:44,600
Speaker 1: I once went to a guy's house after Halloween. We

1067
00:49:44,600 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 1: were walking up. We all went to a party, me

1068
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:48,120
Speaker 1: and my friends. I was in my twenties living in

1069
00:49:48,160 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 1: Santa Monica. Dress dressing up. Yeah, that's a great question.

1070
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 1: Oh yes, I did. Was one time I was dressed

1071
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:54,640
Speaker 1: like an Eminem. I think I wrote about this in

1072
00:49:54,640 --> 00:49:56,840
Speaker 1: one of my books. And I walked into this apartment

1073
00:49:56,880 --> 00:49:59,040
Speaker 1: and as I was walking in, I was like, this

1074
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:01,920
Speaker 1: looks so from earlier. But every apartment in Santa Monica

1075
00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:04,279
Speaker 1: kind of like is like that Three's Company vine, you know,

1076
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:06,840
Speaker 1: it's all the same. So I was like, this looks familiar.

1077
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:09,560
Speaker 1: And then the guy went and brought like a hashish

1078
00:50:09,640 --> 00:50:13,000
Speaker 1: pipe out and a Hashish bar, and I went, I've

1079
00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:15,080
Speaker 1: been here before. And I looked at him, I go

1080
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:18,000
Speaker 1: I and he's like, oh yeah. And I had slept

1081
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:20,160
Speaker 1: with the guy whose house we were at and was

1082
00:50:20,239 --> 00:50:22,160
Speaker 1: in the same apartment while he was hooking up with

1083
00:50:22,160 --> 00:50:25,279
Speaker 1: one of my friends. And I was like, this is

1084
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:29,160
Speaker 1: a all time low. And I was wearing an eminem costume.

1085
00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:31,640
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's the high point of it. Well

1086
00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:33,200
Speaker 1: that's when I left and I had to walk through

1087
00:50:33,200 --> 00:50:35,920
Speaker 1: the Walk of Shame basically without having sex in an

1088
00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:41,320
Speaker 1: Eminem costume down Montana Avenue, and that maybe this Halloween,

1089
00:50:41,840 --> 00:50:44,439
Speaker 1: maybe we can make it into a movie. Sweetheart, I'd

1090
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:48,000
Speaker 1: love to. Okay, we're going to take a break right now.

1091
00:50:48,280 --> 00:50:51,960
Speaker 1: Don't worry, We'll be right back. I know you like

1092
00:50:52,040 --> 00:50:53,960
Speaker 1: the quick one off, so I thought I could get

1093
00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:56,320
Speaker 1: your opinion on this one. We had right in that

1094
00:50:56,440 --> 00:51:00,600
Speaker 1: said should I leave my husband because I'm gay? Well,

1095
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:04,880
Speaker 1: sounds like it sounds like that's that's the time to go.

1096
00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:09,120
Speaker 1: Towns like it's time to pivot? Is that? Is that it?

1097
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:11,480
Speaker 1: That's it? Do we have a letter? What we do?

1098
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:15,000
Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, So the writer says, Dear Chelsea,

1099
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,160
Speaker 1: I'm thirty two years old. I've been with my husband

1100
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:19,680
Speaker 1: for twelve years and married ten. We have two sweet

1101
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:22,440
Speaker 1: boys together, who are nine and four. Looking back, I

1102
00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:24,479
Speaker 1: remember in preschool I had a crush on a girl.

1103
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:26,640
Speaker 1: I experimented with girls when I was drunk or at

1104
00:51:26,680 --> 00:51:29,400
Speaker 1: parties and enjoyed it, but was so conditioned that it

1105
00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:32,400
Speaker 1: was wrong. I kind of avoided it. Also, before I

1106
00:51:32,440 --> 00:51:34,240
Speaker 1: met my husband, I hooked up with a married couple

1107
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:37,400
Speaker 1: for about six months. After two years together, I realized

1108
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:41,520
Speaker 1: after two years together, I realized how much happier I

1109
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:43,960
Speaker 1: was when he wasn't around, and planned on breaking up

1110
00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:46,680
Speaker 1: with him when I got back from vacation. Well, when

1111
00:51:46,680 --> 00:51:48,640
Speaker 1: I got back, I missed my period and found out

1112
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:50,880
Speaker 1: I was pregnant. So what do you do in the South.

1113
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:53,200
Speaker 1: You get married. He is a great husband and father.

1114
00:51:53,320 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 1: He provides for us, clean's house, cares for and loves

1115
00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:58,759
Speaker 1: our boys so much. I'm just not in love with

1116
00:51:58,840 --> 00:52:01,560
Speaker 1: him or attracted him anymore, or it would break his

1117
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:03,640
Speaker 1: heart and my boys if I left him. But it

1118
00:52:03,640 --> 00:52:06,360
Speaker 1: can't be my authentic self with him. What is the

1119
00:52:06,480 --> 00:52:10,120
Speaker 1: right thing to do and how should I do it? Oh,

1120
00:52:10,200 --> 00:52:15,160
Speaker 1: that's just so hard. Of course you have to leave him.

1121
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:17,359
Speaker 1: You're not attracted to him, you're not in love with him.

1122
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:21,240
Speaker 1: You're not doing your children any favors. Every every person

1123
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 1: I know who stayed together for the sake of their

1124
00:52:24,320 --> 00:52:28,840
Speaker 1: children regrets it everyone because you're not doing your children

1125
00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 1: any favored. For them to see their parents in an

1126
00:52:31,080 --> 00:52:34,759
Speaker 1: unhealthy relationship, that's what's being modeled. It doesn't matter if

1127
00:52:34,760 --> 00:52:36,799
Speaker 1: you guys think you're putting on a good show. Kids know,

1128
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:39,160
Speaker 1: and they have a sixth sense of this, and so

1129
00:52:39,200 --> 00:52:41,680
Speaker 1: they know when they're being lied to, and they know

1130
00:52:41,719 --> 00:52:44,360
Speaker 1: when you're not happy and you're and you're faking something

1131
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:47,160
Speaker 1: that's just your energy, and that's not something that you

1132
00:52:47,200 --> 00:52:50,640
Speaker 1: can pretend isn't happening. You not being attracted to their

1133
00:52:50,640 --> 00:52:52,720
Speaker 1: father is something that they will be able to feel

1134
00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:55,319
Speaker 1: you're not being in love with them, same thing. So

1135
00:52:55,440 --> 00:52:59,239
Speaker 1: I think it's really important a mostly for yourself to

1136
00:52:59,280 --> 00:53:02,560
Speaker 1: be honest, live an honest life, and for your children.

1137
00:53:02,560 --> 00:53:04,760
Speaker 1: But if you can't do it just because of yourself

1138
00:53:04,800 --> 00:53:07,880
Speaker 1: and that you deserve this kind of happiness and freedom

1139
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:11,960
Speaker 1: from the marriage that you're in right now, then do

1140
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,960
Speaker 1: it for your kids because they deserve to see their

1141
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:19,040
Speaker 1: mother living her like full life and that means being

1142
00:53:19,040 --> 00:53:21,520
Speaker 1: with a woman. So they're going to have to accept that,

1143
00:53:22,160 --> 00:53:24,200
Speaker 1: and it's a hard road, but like you only have

1144
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:26,759
Speaker 1: one way to go, there's no real other choice here.

1145
00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:29,800
Speaker 1: You want to live an honest, full life for everybody

1146
00:53:29,800 --> 00:53:32,640
Speaker 1: that you love, including your husband. It's not fair to

1147
00:53:32,760 --> 00:53:36,959
Speaker 1: him to be there with him and to continue what

1148
00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:40,440
Speaker 1: was a lie. And I think maybe the way to

1149
00:53:40,520 --> 00:53:43,320
Speaker 1: soften the blow by telling him is not to include

1150
00:53:43,320 --> 00:53:47,280
Speaker 1: the stuff of you got pregnant and you married him,

1151
00:53:47,320 --> 00:53:50,200
Speaker 1: you know, because of that, that's just that makes that's

1152
00:53:50,200 --> 00:53:53,440
Speaker 1: going to make him question everything. So when you think

1153
00:53:53,480 --> 00:53:56,959
Speaker 1: about how to tell people news that's going to hurt

1154
00:53:57,040 --> 00:54:00,600
Speaker 1: them or upset them, it's important to think about what

1155
00:54:00,640 --> 00:54:02,640
Speaker 1: you're going to say and how you're going to say it,

1156
00:54:02,680 --> 00:54:05,560
Speaker 1: and it's not necessary to say, oh, like I you know,

1157
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:07,680
Speaker 1: I wasn't ever in love with you. You know you were.

1158
00:54:07,880 --> 00:54:10,279
Speaker 1: You could say you were, and that you've always had

1159
00:54:10,280 --> 00:54:12,720
Speaker 1: these feelings towards women, but you thought if you got married,

1160
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:15,120
Speaker 1: you know, things would be different, and that you loved

1161
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:16,759
Speaker 1: him so much and he's such a great father and

1162
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:19,520
Speaker 1: such a great husband. But now you can't deny your

1163
00:54:19,520 --> 00:54:23,520
Speaker 1: feelings for women, and they're becoming more prominent. It's something

1164
00:54:23,560 --> 00:54:26,200
Speaker 1: that you can't get away from, and you gotta go

1165
00:54:26,360 --> 00:54:28,720
Speaker 1: for it. This is important for you, This is important

1166
00:54:28,760 --> 00:54:31,919
Speaker 1: for your family. Brandon, Well, it's been a while since

1167
00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:34,520
Speaker 1: I dated a woman, but I do. What was that? Like,

1168
00:54:34,560 --> 00:54:37,319
Speaker 1: who did you date? Oh? I dated girls growing up?

1169
00:54:37,560 --> 00:54:41,960
Speaker 1: I for me, it wasn't like the sexual aspect. It

1170
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:44,040
Speaker 1: was always emotional for me that I just did not

1171
00:54:44,200 --> 00:54:47,120
Speaker 1: have as deep of an emotional connection with women as

1172
00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:50,320
Speaker 1: I did with men. So I do to some degree

1173
00:54:50,400 --> 00:54:52,840
Speaker 1: saying you didn't have as deep of an emotional connection

1174
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:54,440
Speaker 1: with women as you did with men. Right, Like the

1175
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:57,200
Speaker 1: sex part was fine, Like that was not the issue.

1176
00:54:57,360 --> 00:55:02,520
Speaker 1: The issue was after that, there was little vested interest emotionally,

1177
00:55:02,600 --> 00:55:04,799
Speaker 1: so I do understand what she's going through, and I

1178
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:09,600
Speaker 1: feel for anyone who was conditioned and brought up in

1179
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:14,640
Speaker 1: a society where these feelings were repeatedly told to keep

1180
00:55:14,719 --> 00:55:18,840
Speaker 1: secret or to not give into. So now you know

1181
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:22,640
Speaker 1: she's she's living in a different time where sexual fluidity

1182
00:55:22,760 --> 00:55:26,839
Speaker 1: is a thing and being bisexual is more embraced. So

1183
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:29,880
Speaker 1: I hope that she finds what she's looking for, and

1184
00:55:29,920 --> 00:55:31,759
Speaker 1: I hope that she makes the right choice because, as

1185
00:55:31,840 --> 00:55:33,759
Speaker 1: you said, you know, you only have one life to live,

1186
00:55:33,880 --> 00:55:36,320
Speaker 1: and she's doing a disservice to herself and her husband

1187
00:55:36,360 --> 00:55:38,120
Speaker 1: by staying in the marriage, and I think that they

1188
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,000
Speaker 1: will both see a lot of growth when they come

1189
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:42,279
Speaker 1: out of it. And yeah, to everyone listening, this is

1190
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:46,200
Speaker 1: the only life we get, so make it count. Don't

1191
00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:51,160
Speaker 1: live it for someone else, Just don't. That was very

1192
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:54,359
Speaker 1: well said. Great. I don't want to say problem solved

1193
00:55:54,400 --> 00:55:56,759
Speaker 1: there because that sounds a little flippant, but hopefully the

1194
00:55:56,760 --> 00:55:58,759
Speaker 1: problem is going to get solved over the course of

1195
00:55:58,760 --> 00:56:01,600
Speaker 1: the next few months. Okay, well, I think there's been

1196
00:56:01,600 --> 00:56:05,080
Speaker 1: a breakup. There's been people leaving friendships, people leaving marriages.

1197
00:56:05,640 --> 00:56:08,400
Speaker 1: I really, really hope that this woman leaves her husband

1198
00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:11,960
Speaker 1: that is gay or bisexual, or however she classifies herself.

1199
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:14,800
Speaker 1: I really hope that she gets the courage. You already

1200
00:56:14,800 --> 00:56:17,360
Speaker 1: have the courage. Every single person who's listening has the

1201
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:20,600
Speaker 1: courage to do something difficult or to do, you know,

1202
00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:23,920
Speaker 1: something scary. Just try not to avoid the truth, because

1203
00:56:23,960 --> 00:56:26,920
Speaker 1: it's not going anywhere. I just want to say Oslama

1204
00:56:26,960 --> 00:56:29,600
Speaker 1: lacum and Shabbat shalom. Really, actually, Brandon, what would you

1205
00:56:29,640 --> 00:56:33,720
Speaker 1: like to add? I just think it's important to focus

1206
00:56:33,719 --> 00:56:36,520
Speaker 1: on what you're able to find from a loss in

1207
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:39,439
Speaker 1: these situations. Don't focus so much on what won't be there,

1208
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:43,319
Speaker 1: but think about what will come in its place. There's

1209
00:56:43,360 --> 00:56:46,960
Speaker 1: a lot of opportunity in making space for new friends,

1210
00:56:47,040 --> 00:56:50,719
Speaker 1: new relationships, new hobbies. So just try and think of

1211
00:56:50,719 --> 00:56:52,520
Speaker 1: it that way. Yeah, but I don't think she's looking

1212
00:56:52,600 --> 00:56:54,480
Speaker 1: at it like I mean, I think she knows what's

1213
00:56:54,480 --> 00:56:57,640
Speaker 1: going to come in its place, something great. People want

1214
00:56:57,920 --> 00:57:01,000
Speaker 1: their best friends. You know, the guy who obviously needed

1215
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:04,400
Speaker 1: to make room for other people or other things because

1216
00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:08,120
Speaker 1: he was still very focused on some of that he

1217
00:57:08,200 --> 00:57:11,040
Speaker 1: dated quite a while ago. I know it's really hard

1218
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:13,640
Speaker 1: when you're obsessed with somebody, or you can't shake somebody

1219
00:57:13,640 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 1: out of your system. It's really hard. And I know,

1220
00:57:17,000 --> 00:57:19,040
Speaker 1: like and when people say, oh, well, you know, this

1221
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,680
Speaker 1: too shall pass, I I want to take that saying

1222
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:24,560
Speaker 1: and shove it up somebody's asshole, because it's not helpful

1223
00:57:24,560 --> 00:57:26,280
Speaker 1: when you're going through something in the moment, because it

1224
00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:28,439
Speaker 1: doesn't feel like it's going to pass. It doesn't feel

1225
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:30,280
Speaker 1: like the pain is going to go. But a theme

1226
00:57:30,320 --> 00:57:33,040
Speaker 1: of this podcast has been to remind people that everything

1227
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:36,800
Speaker 1: is so temporary. Nothing stays for long, the highs, the lows,

1228
00:57:37,120 --> 00:57:39,760
Speaker 1: The good doesn't stay either for long, and the bad

1229
00:57:39,840 --> 00:57:42,880
Speaker 1: doesn't stay for long. So it's all ephemeral and it

1230
00:57:42,960 --> 00:57:45,280
Speaker 1: all moves. So that the one thing I always tell

1231
00:57:45,320 --> 00:57:47,520
Speaker 1: myself is like, even if it's bad, it's like, this

1232
00:57:47,600 --> 00:57:51,000
Speaker 1: is only temporary. And I remind myself of that. And

1233
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:54,360
Speaker 1: it's a good reminder because heartbreak only lasts for so long,

1234
00:57:54,680 --> 00:57:56,320
Speaker 1: and a lot of times it's not as bad as

1235
00:57:56,400 --> 00:57:58,720
Speaker 1: we perceive it to be. Right, And that's where we

1236
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:01,920
Speaker 1: come in to remind you of that making a jump

1237
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:05,000
Speaker 1: or making a change is really scary. But that's scary

1238
00:58:05,080 --> 00:58:07,760
Speaker 1: part as soon as you step into it. You've got

1239
00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:09,680
Speaker 1: an emotion. As soon as you take the first step,

1240
00:58:09,720 --> 00:58:13,360
Speaker 1: it's happening. It's happening. And then that doesn't last forever either.

1241
00:58:13,680 --> 00:58:16,760
Speaker 1: That's a transition. So the quicker you get into it,

1242
00:58:16,880 --> 00:58:19,920
Speaker 1: the quicker you get out of it. Amen to myself.

1243
00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:26,080
Speaker 1: Actually amen. If you want any assistance with your partner,

1244
00:58:26,440 --> 00:58:29,880
Speaker 1: your best friend, really anything, you can write into Dear

1245
00:58:29,960 --> 00:58:33,720
Speaker 1: Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea Project at

1246
00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:37,360
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. Also, I am on tour. My tickets

1247
00:58:37,360 --> 00:58:40,200
Speaker 1: are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows.

1248
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:42,920
Speaker 1: We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You

1249
00:58:42,960 --> 00:58:46,240
Speaker 1: can buy tickets a ticket Master for my shows. I'm

1250
00:58:46,280 --> 00:58:49,400
Speaker 1: at the Santa Barbara Bowl August one, so you can

1251
00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:51,960
Speaker 1: come see me there and tickets are available and I

1252
00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:55,440
Speaker 1: can't fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and horny, so make

1253
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:59,120
Speaker 1: sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nous

1254
00:58:59,720 --> 00:59:02,480
Speaker 1: and and keep them to yourself. Please h