WEBVTT - MEL ROBBINS: How to Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty (Follow THIS Simple Rule to Set Boundaries and Stop Putting Yourself Last!)

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<v Speaker 1>Hey, it's Jay Schetty, host of On Purpose. On the

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<v Speaker 1>newest episode of my podcast, we have an extremely special

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<v Speaker 1>interview with Matthew McConaughey. Matthew opens up in a way

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<v Speaker 1>you've never heard before. We talk about identity, purpose, failure, risk, relationships,

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<v Speaker 1>and the parts of his journey he's never shared. If

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<v Speaker 1>you've ever felt stuck, lost, or in transition, this episode

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<v Speaker 1>is for you. You won't want to miss this one.

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<v Speaker 1>Listen to On Purpose with Jayshetty on the iHeartRadio app,

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<v Speaker 1>Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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<v Speaker 2>People pleasing is actually manipulation. You're manipulating people so they

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<v Speaker 2>like you. I'm not some pushover. I actually want people

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<v Speaker 2>to like me, so I am willing to manipulate them

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<v Speaker 2>by staying silent or doing things I don't want to do,

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<v Speaker 2>or not expressing my boundaries because I, at all costs

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<v Speaker 2>just want people to like me.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm so excited to be here tonight at the Wang

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<v Speaker 1>Theater and bossed with one of my dearest, dearest friends, truly,

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<v Speaker 1>and I want to dive straight in, Mel because You've

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<v Speaker 1>got so much insight, so much wisdom on this that

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<v Speaker 1>I've been fortunate enough to benefit from in our friendship.

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<v Speaker 1>But I want to start by asking you what do

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<v Speaker 1>you think people are most worried about when it comes

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<v Speaker 1>to what others think about them?

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<v Speaker 2>Well, I brought notes because I know Jay asked very

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<v Speaker 2>tough questions. I think that the thing that we're most

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<v Speaker 2>worried about is just that people aren't going to like you,

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<v Speaker 2>that they're going to misunderstand you. That's the thing that

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<v Speaker 2>we're the most worried about. Because if you didn't care

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<v Speaker 2>whether or not people liked you, if you didn't care

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<v Speaker 2>about whether or not people misunderstood you or your intentions,

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<v Speaker 2>you would just go about your life however the heck

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<v Speaker 2>you wanted to right and so truly, if you stop

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<v Speaker 2>and think, like, think about one person in your life,

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<v Speaker 2>who who that's the person whose opinion you worry about

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<v Speaker 2>the most. Imagine if you could go about your life

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<v Speaker 2>and not care if they like you or not, not

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<v Speaker 2>care if they don't understand you or not. And sometimes

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<v Speaker 2>people be like, well it's my boss, Okay, there's a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of bosses out there. If the one that you're

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<v Speaker 2>working for doesn't like you, there's nothing you can do

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<v Speaker 2>about it. But you can always leave the job, and

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<v Speaker 2>so I think that is what's at the heart of it,

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<v Speaker 2>that we are so desperate to be liked and understood

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<v Speaker 2>and loved by others that we live in fear that

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<v Speaker 2>it's not going to happen, and in doing so, we

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<v Speaker 2>basically live a life where we don't really like ourselves.

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<v Speaker 1>So well said, So well said, I mean, I think

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<v Speaker 1>what you're getting at there is so powerful because it's

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<v Speaker 1>almost like we don't even know what with Kate Belove,

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<v Speaker 1>what we're worthy of, what we're able to do, because

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<v Speaker 1>we've constantly lived with that inner critic inside of us.

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<v Speaker 1>There's the outer critic and the inner critic. Tell me

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<v Speaker 1>about how we can learn to quiet that inner critic,

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<v Speaker 1>because sometimes it is your boss, sometimes it is your partner,

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes it is your mom, But there's that inner critic

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<v Speaker 1>inside of you that's stifling you even more.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, I got to ask you a question first, Should

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<v Speaker 2>I look at you or everybody out here? Like I

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<v Speaker 2>don't know where to look because normally when Jay and

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<v Speaker 2>I are talking and recording a podcast, we don't see

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<v Speaker 2>you guys. So it's so cool to have you here, like,

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<v Speaker 2>for real, thank you for showing up.

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<v Speaker 1>And I think we can. We can look at them.

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<v Speaker 1>I want to be with all of them, get.

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<v Speaker 2>Great, because I feel a little distracted, like I'm ignoring

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<v Speaker 2>you while I'm trying to look at Jay and I

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<v Speaker 2>want you to like me for god sense, even though

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<v Speaker 2>we're going to talk about how we have to stop

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<v Speaker 2>worrying about that. Okay. So the question is about self criticism.

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<v Speaker 2>So there's a lot to unpack here, okay. And the

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<v Speaker 2>first thing to understand is that there are two facts

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<v Speaker 2>that truly amp up self criticism. This is not for me.

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<v Speaker 2>This is from some of the same experts that you

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<v Speaker 2>have brought on too on purpose. The more stressed out

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<v Speaker 2>that you are, the more the self criticism dials up.

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<v Speaker 2>There's some relationship between you being in kind of fight

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<v Speaker 2>or flight and your inability to be kinder and more

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<v Speaker 2>present and compassionate with yourself. So that's number one. If

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<v Speaker 2>you're experiencing an uptick right now because you feel stressed

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<v Speaker 2>and overwhelmed, that's to be expected. Second thing, and this

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<v Speaker 2>is going to blow your frickin mind. Okay, self criticism.

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<v Speaker 2>This is crazy.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to try to unpack this because I literally

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<v Speaker 2>just talk to a psychiatrist today. At Harvard Medical School,

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<v Speaker 2>who does all this research on body image, and everybody

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<v Speaker 2>is critical of themselves self. Criticism has really gone through

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<v Speaker 2>the roof because check this out. We were never supposed

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<v Speaker 2>to see ourselves. No no, no, no no really really like

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<v Speaker 2>hang with me for I'm out of here. Yeah, like

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<v Speaker 2>let's show let's go back one or two human beings.

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<v Speaker 2>Mirrors back then had all that acid stuff on it,

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<v Speaker 2>so you couldn't even see yourself. There were no glass buildings,

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<v Speaker 2>so you didn't see your reflection. If you saw yourself,

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<v Speaker 2>it was like in the Charles River and it was

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<v Speaker 2>like kind of moving. And so we're not neurologically, physiologically,

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<v Speaker 2>emotionally designed to actually see ourselves. And we are designed

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<v Speaker 2>jay to connect with other people. And so if you're

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<v Speaker 2>looking at other people, you in a nano second, your

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<v Speaker 2>brain immediately goes into this like judge mode because you're judging, Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>is this a person whose energy I vibe with and

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<v Speaker 2>I kind of want to connect with this person? Or

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<v Speaker 2>is this a person whose energys off so I kind

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<v Speaker 2>of want to move away from It happens like that

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<v Speaker 2>part of your wiring because you're wired to connect with

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<v Speaker 2>other people, you're not wired to be watching what you're doing.

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<v Speaker 2>And so what's happened because of zoom, because of FaceTime,

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<v Speaker 2>because of selfies, because of all the videos that we

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<v Speaker 2>take of ourselves, we are seeing ourselves at rates that

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<v Speaker 2>our brains can't compute. And so that same mechanism where

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<v Speaker 2>your brain looks at other people and sizes people up,

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<v Speaker 2>is this a person I want to connect with? Is

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<v Speaker 2>this not you're doing to yourself? And then you add

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<v Speaker 2>on top of it, Jay, the fact that you're also

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<v Speaker 2>in unprecedented levels. You guys, we have access to what

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<v Speaker 2>everybody else is doing, which is just more input. And

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<v Speaker 2>so what does this create? This creates a scenario for

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<v Speaker 2>all of us where we are all self critical and

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<v Speaker 2>we live in a moment of time where you have

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<v Speaker 2>the real you, like the person you are right now,

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<v Speaker 2>the person you are, I don't know what size or raises,

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<v Speaker 2>how tall, how short, whether or not you have an

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<v Speaker 2>acme breakout, whether your hair is phrase, you are who

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<v Speaker 2>you are. But then we all have this idealized self

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<v Speaker 2>that we think we should be and because we're so

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<v Speaker 2>used to kind of looking at ourselves and assessing ourselves,

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<v Speaker 2>and our brain's not wired to really be even thinking

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<v Speaker 2>about how you look or thinking about what you're doing

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<v Speaker 2>in comparison to other people. You've turned that against yourself,

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<v Speaker 2>like it's just so sad because we live like you know,

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<v Speaker 2>and there's this kind of real thin line that you

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<v Speaker 2>and I can unpack between improving your life and squeezing

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<v Speaker 2>as much as you can out of this life that

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<v Speaker 2>you have, really truly allowing yourself to be happier, allowing

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<v Speaker 2>yourself to have more fun, and relentlessly doing it because

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<v Speaker 2>you think there's something wrong with you. Do you see

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<v Speaker 2>the difference? And so when it comes to self criticism,

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<v Speaker 2>everybody and this is something that we all deal with.

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<v Speaker 2>It's really important. There's actually four steps that she goes

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<v Speaker 2>by doctor Ash. Doctor Ash says, there's four steps. Number one,

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<v Speaker 2>you got to recognize that the self criticism is a

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<v Speaker 2>function of culture. We live in a world where you

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<v Speaker 2>see yourself all the time, which makes you more critical

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<v Speaker 2>of self than generations before us period. So it's not

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<v Speaker 2>your fault. You're not broken. I actually think you are perfectly,

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<v Speaker 2>imperfectly beautiful. I do. And even though there are things

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<v Speaker 2>about yourself that you would like to improve or change,

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<v Speaker 2>we're going to talk about how to do that while

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<v Speaker 2>you're actually still kind and accepting of yourself. That's the

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<v Speaker 2>thing to do here. And so number one, you're not

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<v Speaker 2>the problem. The culture's the problem. And another fun fact,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, if you have a smartphone, it is defaulted

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<v Speaker 2>to show you a mirror image. You want to know why,

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<v Speaker 2>because your brain can't actually process what you look like

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<v Speaker 2>to another human being. Kid you not if you go

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<v Speaker 2>into your phone and change the setting on your smartphone

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<v Speaker 2>to have the camera actually reflect the way that people

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<v Speaker 2>see you versus what you see back in a mirror,

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<v Speaker 2>your brain will be like, what is that?

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<v Speaker 1>What is that?

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not used to seeing that, I'm used to seeing

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<v Speaker 2>this reflected image. And so number one, you're not the problem.

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<v Speaker 2>You are perfectly, imperfectly beautiful as you are. Period number two,

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<v Speaker 2>in order to move your life forward in self criticism,

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<v Speaker 2>you actually have to look backwards. This is super important, everybody,

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<v Speaker 2>because you were not born hating yourself. You were not

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<v Speaker 2>born thinking you're ugly or stupid or dumb or any

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<v Speaker 2>of that stuff. And I know that you've had doctor

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<v Speaker 2>Paul Conti from Stanford on. I know that you've had

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<v Speaker 2>a lot of the amazing experts that talk about how

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<v Speaker 2>somebody else taught you to hate on yourself, that's what happened.

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<v Speaker 2>And the experts basically say that it typically happens between

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<v Speaker 2>the ages of twelve and eighteen, because once you hit twelve,

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<v Speaker 2>your parents are basically freaks and you don't want anything

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<v Speaker 2>to do with them. And the social priority in terms

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<v Speaker 2>of development is I got a bond with my friends,

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<v Speaker 2>So now it becomes a real priority to actually be

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<v Speaker 2>connected to people your age. Here's the problem. This comes

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<v Speaker 2>from doctor Judith Joseph Columbia University. She her research shows

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<v Speaker 2>that if you're kind of in that age rage and

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<v Speaker 2>a kid's like, you're fat, you're ugly, what's over that acne?

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<v Speaker 2>You know, you're a little short, or you walk into

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<v Speaker 2>a school or the only person with brown skin and

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<v Speaker 2>you're among a sea of other white kids and people

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<v Speaker 2>are picking on you, or you just don't feel like

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<v Speaker 2>you belong. That sort of experience to your brain feels

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<v Speaker 2>like physical pain. Yes, and so you were not born

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<v Speaker 2>beating yourself up. Somebody taught you to, and that's an

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<v Speaker 2>important thing to understand. And if you every one of

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<v Speaker 2>you can probably kind of close your eyes and think

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<v Speaker 2>back to when did I think I was ugly? When

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<v Speaker 2>did I start telling myself I wasn't smart enough? When

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<v Speaker 2>did I think my height was a problem or my

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<v Speaker 2>complexion or the freckles or the you know meat wings

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<v Speaker 2>that I call them, you know, my my things that

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<v Speaker 2>no matter how many king what are these tricep things

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<v Speaker 2>I do? It does it's not working. I don't care

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<v Speaker 2>how much creatine crap I eat and the supplements I'm

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<v Speaker 2>popping not working.

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<v Speaker 4>Day.

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<v Speaker 2>You got to go backward before you can go forward,

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<v Speaker 2>because it's important for you to truly get You're not

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<v Speaker 2>born doing this. You were taught to. And here's the

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<v Speaker 2>good news. If somebody taught you to beat yourself up,

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<v Speaker 2>you can unlearn it. You can unlearn it, right, you can.

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<v Speaker 2>So then the third thing, and you guys are not

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<v Speaker 2>gonna like this either because it sounds cheeseball right. A

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<v Speaker 2>lot of the great advice out there is like, oh God,

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<v Speaker 2>eye roll, seriously, do you have to meditate again? Sorry? Jay?

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<v Speaker 2>This comes from doctor Ash, she's been in the Harvard

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<v Speaker 2>Medical School system for twenty years. In a clinical practice,

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<v Speaker 2>you have to come up with a what's called meaningful mantra.

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<v Speaker 2>It's just something that you can say to yourself that's kind.

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<v Speaker 2>And this is where I'm gonna go to my notes,

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<v Speaker 2>because we have some I've got some notes here. So

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<v Speaker 2>doctor Ethan Cross from University of Michigan his recommendation, and

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<v Speaker 2>he's an expert on negative self talking criticism is talk

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<v Speaker 2>to yourself like a friend, meaning use your name, use

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<v Speaker 2>your name. And it sounds kind of weird, but if

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<v Speaker 2>I am kind of feeling negative about something, instead of going, well,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, I always screw things up, you say mel,

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<v Speaker 2>you don't always screw things up. And when you say

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<v Speaker 2>your name, it sort of snaps you out of that

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<v Speaker 2>loop of criticizing yourself. Huge second thing that you can

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<v Speaker 2>do doctor Jim Dodie. He's a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon

0:12:40.360 --> 0:12:45.160
<v Speaker 2>from Stanford who studies manifesting. And if you really want

0:12:45.200 --> 0:12:48.600
<v Speaker 2>to start to practice a new way of talking to yourself,

0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:53.400
<v Speaker 2>because again you can program your mind to think different

0:12:53.520 --> 0:12:56.480
<v Speaker 2>things than what these idiots from your past taught you

0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.559
<v Speaker 2>to say to yourself. And so number one, you want

0:12:59.559 --> 0:13:01.040
<v Speaker 2>to write down what you want to say, and it

0:13:01.040 --> 0:13:03.520
<v Speaker 2>could just be something as like I'm doing the best

0:13:03.520 --> 0:13:08.319
<v Speaker 2>I can. I deserve encouragement I'm gonna do my best

0:13:08.360 --> 0:13:10.000
<v Speaker 2>to be kinder to myself. You can just write down

0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:15.080
<v Speaker 2>something like that, then you read it, then you say

0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:18.040
<v Speaker 2>it out loud, and then you close your eyes, and

0:13:18.080 --> 0:13:21.080
<v Speaker 2>it's important to be calm in order for the coding

0:13:21.240 --> 0:13:25.839
<v Speaker 2>to take hold. According to doctor Dotie, you just visualize

0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:31.719
<v Speaker 2>yourself literally acting like that, and these are ways that

0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.319
<v Speaker 2>you can once you recognize you're not the problem. The

0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:38.960
<v Speaker 2>culture is. Second piece is you didn't you weren't born

0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:40.960
<v Speaker 2>doing this. Somebody taught you, so we're gonna unlearn it.

0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:44.600
<v Speaker 2>Third is I'm actually gonna take time because it matters

0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:47.040
<v Speaker 2>how I talk to myself. Like if I followed you

0:13:47.080 --> 0:13:49.240
<v Speaker 2>around when I was in a really bad mood like

0:13:49.280 --> 0:13:51.600
<v Speaker 2>I do with Chris. I don't know if Roddy does

0:13:51.640 --> 0:13:53.559
<v Speaker 2>this with you, but I'm like follow him around like

0:13:53.600 --> 0:13:55.880
<v Speaker 2>a shadow. Why is this happening? Why's that happening? You

0:13:55.920 --> 0:13:57.960
<v Speaker 2>know you really screwed that up. I don't do that anymore.

0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:01.200
<v Speaker 2>I used to do that. Proud to say that, But

0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:05.880
<v Speaker 2>if you followed yourself around, I'm not good enough. Things

0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:08.000
<v Speaker 2>never work out for me. It's never going to happen.

0:14:08.080 --> 0:14:12.600
<v Speaker 2>I'm so stupid, Like, no, wonder you don't feel great,

0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:15.800
<v Speaker 2>no wonder, you're not motivated. So you got to actually

0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:20.280
<v Speaker 2>train yourself to say different things you have to And

0:14:20.720 --> 0:14:22.960
<v Speaker 2>because you've been doing this for decades, do not expect

0:14:22.960 --> 0:14:25.360
<v Speaker 2>it to take one week. Don't be like, Okay, I

0:14:25.360 --> 0:14:29.440
<v Speaker 2>said that thing that Melon Jay said, it's not working. Okay,

0:14:29.960 --> 0:14:31.640
<v Speaker 2>like you got to give it time. And the final thing,

0:14:31.640 --> 0:14:33.720
<v Speaker 2>and this is the piece of advice everybody hates from

0:14:33.840 --> 0:14:36.480
<v Speaker 2>doctor Ash, which is you have to stop waiting to

0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:40.120
<v Speaker 2>live your life if you are self critical. Seriously, this

0:14:40.280 --> 0:14:43.520
<v Speaker 2>is so important. Think about this. If you're the kind

0:14:43.520 --> 0:14:45.680
<v Speaker 2>of person that's like, Okay, I'm going to lose some

0:14:45.720 --> 0:14:54.720
<v Speaker 2>weight before I go to a gym, I'm going to

0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:59.120
<v Speaker 2>clear up my acne before I go on a date.

0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:02.320
<v Speaker 2>Let me just put on a pound of makeup and

0:15:02.360 --> 0:15:07.040
<v Speaker 2>a seventy three step morning like facial routine before I'll

0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:10.520
<v Speaker 2>be in the photo. All of the things you're waiting

0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:13.280
<v Speaker 2>to do, whether it's go to the beach, or it's

0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:16.360
<v Speaker 2>put yourself out there or speak up more at work,

0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:20.360
<v Speaker 2>or it's being in the front of the photo instead

0:15:20.400 --> 0:15:23.960
<v Speaker 2>of the back of the photo. All of those things

0:15:24.000 --> 0:15:28.160
<v Speaker 2>you're waiting to do until you either look a certain way,

0:15:28.280 --> 0:15:30.560
<v Speaker 2>or have achieved a certain thing, or you've made a

0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:34.000
<v Speaker 2>certain amount of money, all of those things that you're

0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:38.200
<v Speaker 2>waiting on. The days that you wait, you are saying

0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:41.560
<v Speaker 2>to yourself, I am not good enough for my own

0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:45.320
<v Speaker 2>standards to live the life that I deserve. Just stop

0:15:45.360 --> 0:15:47.640
<v Speaker 2>and really think about that. Like, Jay's not stopping you

0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.440
<v Speaker 2>from doing it, I'm not stopping Nobody in this room

0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:54.320
<v Speaker 2>is stopping you from doing anything. You are holding yourself

0:15:54.400 --> 0:15:57.520
<v Speaker 2>back from truly enjoying all that your life has to

0:15:57.640 --> 0:16:02.120
<v Speaker 2>offer you now because you believe, at some future date

0:16:02.160 --> 0:16:05.600
<v Speaker 2>there's an idealized version of you that will be ready

0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:09.480
<v Speaker 2>or more deserving of the things that are available to you. Now,

0:16:10.480 --> 0:16:16.680
<v Speaker 2>stop it. Stop it. You prove it's true, but you

0:16:16.840 --> 0:16:20.240
<v Speaker 2>prove the self criticism wrong when you're like, all right,

0:16:20.280 --> 0:16:22.240
<v Speaker 2>I got weight to lose. That's the point of the gym.

0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.680
<v Speaker 2>So I'm going to go in and I'm going to

0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:28.640
<v Speaker 2>do it now because I deserve to take care of

0:16:28.680 --> 0:16:33.040
<v Speaker 2>myself regardless of how I may be feeling about where

0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:35.360
<v Speaker 2>I'm at in my life. That's how you do it.

0:16:35.400 --> 0:16:36.600
<v Speaker 2>I know it's a long winded answer.

0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:41.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry, guy's not playing around. That was as Wow,

0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:44.160
<v Speaker 1>we've already had a master class from your mouth. Let's

0:16:44.280 --> 0:16:48.400
<v Speaker 1>uh okay, we're gone. See, guys, there's so much to

0:16:48.440 --> 0:16:50.360
<v Speaker 1>unpacking what you said, and I want to start with

0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:53.920
<v Speaker 1>the first point you made, because what was really interesting

0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:56.960
<v Speaker 1>is during my three years in the monastery, I actually

0:16:56.960 --> 0:16:59.760
<v Speaker 1>experienced what it felt like to not see my reflection

0:17:00.400 --> 0:17:02.640
<v Speaker 1>unless I was on the streets and out of the monastery,

0:17:03.120 --> 0:17:05.480
<v Speaker 1>because in the monastery there are no mirrors.

0:17:05.840 --> 0:17:07.320
<v Speaker 2>Well, they don't want you to see what your head

0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:07.600
<v Speaker 2>looks like.

0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:08.240
<v Speaker 3>They don't want you to.

0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:09.960
<v Speaker 1>See what you look like with a shaved Their trust me.

0:17:10.000 --> 0:17:12.440
<v Speaker 1>It's not pretty, but it's true, like you don't see

0:17:12.480 --> 0:17:15.840
<v Speaker 1>your reflection because that's scene as a way of becoming

0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:20.760
<v Speaker 1>self obsessed through the teachings of humility and detachment. And

0:17:20.800 --> 0:17:23.960
<v Speaker 1>I realized what that felt like that when I left

0:17:24.040 --> 0:17:27.040
<v Speaker 1>three years later, I hadn't thought about my physical self.

0:17:27.080 --> 0:17:29.879
<v Speaker 1>And here's something really interesting about having done that for

0:17:29.920 --> 0:17:33.639
<v Speaker 1>that long. You actually start to realize how much more

0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:37.479
<v Speaker 1>there is to you than just your physical self. You

0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:42.600
<v Speaker 1>actually get to explore your mental and emotional capacity and

0:17:43.200 --> 0:17:47.359
<v Speaker 1>ability and potential because you're not bound by just thinking

0:17:47.400 --> 0:17:48.640
<v Speaker 1>this is all I am.

0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:51.080
<v Speaker 2>Dude, can we just stop and cover on that for

0:17:51.080 --> 0:17:55.840
<v Speaker 2>a minute, like for real? We are so obsessed with

0:17:55.880 --> 0:18:02.919
<v Speaker 2>the physical that I don't even know that I've considered that.

0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:07.840
<v Speaker 2>Probably ninety nine percent of my experience of life for

0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:11.560
<v Speaker 2>probably the first fifty five years of my life was

0:18:11.640 --> 0:18:14.520
<v Speaker 2>all the physical. What do you look like? What do

0:18:14.560 --> 0:18:16.320
<v Speaker 2>you feel like like? What do I got out there?

0:18:16.359 --> 0:18:18.199
<v Speaker 2>What can people measure? What are the things that are

0:18:18.200 --> 0:18:21.160
<v Speaker 2>around me? What's the outfit, what's the makeup, what's the hairstyle,

0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:26.719
<v Speaker 2>what's all that stuff? And there's a whole actual life

0:18:27.880 --> 0:18:32.800
<v Speaker 2>that is inside of you that is waiting to open up,

0:18:32.880 --> 0:18:36.800
<v Speaker 2>and we've all been so distracted by the crap on

0:18:36.840 --> 0:18:40.800
<v Speaker 2>the outside that we've forgotten what it feels like and

0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:44.000
<v Speaker 2>what's possible when you truly tap into the thing that's

0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:47.240
<v Speaker 2>deeper than the skin and the hair and the face

0:18:47.359 --> 0:18:49.000
<v Speaker 2>and everything that you're complaining about.

0:18:49.200 --> 0:18:53.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, there's an inner universe that we haven't begun to explore.

0:18:53.320 --> 0:18:54.560
<v Speaker 3>And that's why I love what you shared.

0:18:54.600 --> 0:18:57.320
<v Speaker 1>It resonates so strongly with me because, as Mel was saying,

0:18:57.320 --> 0:18:59.000
<v Speaker 1>we've all been on that zoom screen and we're not

0:18:59.119 --> 0:19:01.560
<v Speaker 1>even looking at the other right, You're just staring in

0:19:01.640 --> 0:19:05.199
<v Speaker 1>the bottom corner, and everyone's staring in their bottom corner,

0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:07.560
<v Speaker 1>and so no one's looking at the slide deck that

0:19:07.560 --> 0:19:10.639
<v Speaker 1>everyone's pretending to talk about, and all of a sudden,

0:19:10.640 --> 0:19:14.760
<v Speaker 1>we've we're distracted again from that very physical sense. And

0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:16.639
<v Speaker 1>one thing you were saying that really resonated with me

0:19:16.760 --> 0:19:19.680
<v Speaker 1>that I think a lot of us do this because

0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:23.960
<v Speaker 1>we get lost in this feeling of trying to shape

0:19:24.000 --> 0:19:27.800
<v Speaker 1>shift and trying to mold and then people please. So

0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:30.400
<v Speaker 1>when we get lost in that loop, we're now trying

0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:34.320
<v Speaker 1>to manipulate and maneuver ourselves. We're trying to self correct

0:19:34.800 --> 0:19:38.360
<v Speaker 1>and self fix and self critique in order to be

0:19:38.520 --> 0:19:42.600
<v Speaker 1>a somewhat not even good enough for ourselves, hoping that

0:19:42.640 --> 0:19:45.080
<v Speaker 1>someone else is gonna say we're good enough. What does

0:19:45.119 --> 0:19:47.000
<v Speaker 1>someone do in the audience right now, who knows that

0:19:47.040 --> 0:19:50.320
<v Speaker 1>they're just constantly trying to people please, They're constantly trying

0:19:50.359 --> 0:19:53.480
<v Speaker 1>to self correct, self critique to be good for someone else.

0:19:53.960 --> 0:19:56.600
<v Speaker 1>What's a barrier or a habit or a boundary that

0:19:56.640 --> 0:19:59.879
<v Speaker 1>they should start with in order to break this cycle?

0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:01.280
<v Speaker 3>To interrupt this patent?

0:20:01.440 --> 0:20:03.280
<v Speaker 2>Okay, so there's two things I want to say about this.

0:20:03.320 --> 0:20:05.320
<v Speaker 2>We got a bunch of are the people pleasers in here?

0:20:05.320 --> 0:20:08.199
<v Speaker 2>Nobody wants to raise her hand like not me, okay great, but.

0:20:08.240 --> 0:20:10.520
<v Speaker 1>They're trying to please you, so they going right raise

0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:10.920
<v Speaker 1>their hands.

0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:15.720
<v Speaker 2>Damn it. This changed my life because I used to

0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:17.840
<v Speaker 2>wear the people pleasing badge like an honor. Well, I'm

0:20:17.840 --> 0:20:20.480
<v Speaker 2>a people pleaser. I'll lay down in front of a

0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:23.879
<v Speaker 2>truck to help somebody. The first thing I want you

0:20:23.920 --> 0:20:28.320
<v Speaker 2>to do is I want you to understand that people

0:20:28.400 --> 0:20:32.600
<v Speaker 2>pleasing is actually manipulation.

0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:36.000
<v Speaker 3>Whoa you?

0:20:36.160 --> 0:20:39.480
<v Speaker 2>Right? People pleaser sounds like, oh I'm weak. I's off

0:20:39.600 --> 0:20:45.280
<v Speaker 2>like I'm a people pleaser. No, you're you're a manipulator.

0:20:46.680 --> 0:20:49.879
<v Speaker 2>Let me, let me and I own this. This is

0:20:49.920 --> 0:20:51.840
<v Speaker 2>going to snap you out of this because we kind

0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:55.560
<v Speaker 2>of soften into the label and then we pretend we're weak. No,

0:20:55.640 --> 0:21:00.119
<v Speaker 2>you're manipulating people so they like you. This is a strategy.

0:21:01.680 --> 0:21:06.239
<v Speaker 2>Thank you, Thank you for receiving that. But doesn't it

0:21:06.320 --> 0:21:09.840
<v Speaker 2>feel like a little screwed up and empowering when you're like,

0:21:09.920 --> 0:21:13.680
<v Speaker 2>oh wait a minute, I'm not some pushover. I actually

0:21:13.680 --> 0:21:15.959
<v Speaker 2>want people to like me, so I am willing to

0:21:16.119 --> 0:21:20.680
<v Speaker 2>manipulate them by staying silent or doing things I don't

0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:24.159
<v Speaker 2>want to do or not expressing my boundaries because I,

0:21:24.359 --> 0:21:28.160
<v Speaker 2>at all costs just want people to like me. There

0:21:28.240 --> 0:21:32.760
<v Speaker 2>is nothing soft and weak about that at all. And

0:21:32.800 --> 0:21:36.840
<v Speaker 2>when you look at it that way and you see

0:21:36.880 --> 0:21:39.720
<v Speaker 2>it for what it is, it is a strategy to

0:21:39.880 --> 0:21:44.520
<v Speaker 2>manipulate other people into liking you. That's what it is.

0:21:45.480 --> 0:21:45.760
<v Speaker 3>Wow.

0:21:46.520 --> 0:21:49.639
<v Speaker 2>And for me that kind of wake up call because

0:21:49.800 --> 0:21:51.760
<v Speaker 2>that word people please are it kind of feels like

0:21:51.840 --> 0:21:54.720
<v Speaker 2>trying to like hug an octopus, you know, like you

0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:57.720
<v Speaker 2>can't quite get your arms around it. It's very loose.

0:21:58.440 --> 0:22:00.320
<v Speaker 2>But when I was like, whoa, wait, a minut in it,

0:22:01.160 --> 0:22:05.359
<v Speaker 2>I learn this as a behavior to achieve something. There's

0:22:05.400 --> 0:22:09.400
<v Speaker 2>nothing weak about that at all. So that's number one.

0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:11.960
<v Speaker 2>I invite you to just play around with that because

0:22:12.000 --> 0:22:15.200
<v Speaker 2>you can then go oh there I go again. I'm

0:22:15.200 --> 0:22:18.159
<v Speaker 2>doing that thing where I'm not telling the truth, or

0:22:18.160 --> 0:22:20.639
<v Speaker 2>I'm saying yes when I meant no, or I'm like

0:22:20.880 --> 0:22:23.760
<v Speaker 2>just not bringing this up because I'd rather they like

0:22:23.920 --> 0:22:27.879
<v Speaker 2>me and I want to manipulate the situation. That's the

0:22:28.000 --> 0:22:31.040
<v Speaker 2>kind of person that I am. And so that's number one.

0:22:31.119 --> 0:22:38.080
<v Speaker 2>Number two is it creeps up on you. So it's

0:22:38.080 --> 0:22:41.680
<v Speaker 2>so sneaky because it works like if you're a big

0:22:41.920 --> 0:22:43.560
<v Speaker 2>you know, if you're a person that just wants everybody

0:22:43.560 --> 0:22:45.680
<v Speaker 2>to like you, you're a big yes person, and then

0:22:45.680 --> 0:22:49.240
<v Speaker 2>of course you're angry at everybody for you saying yes, right,

0:22:49.760 --> 0:22:51.879
<v Speaker 2>you know, you'll take care of everybody else, and then

0:22:51.960 --> 0:22:54.359
<v Speaker 2>bitch about the fact that you have no time for yourself.

0:22:54.480 --> 0:22:57.480
<v Speaker 2>You know, like it's like and so, but here's the thing.

0:22:57.600 --> 0:23:00.160
<v Speaker 2>You don't see it yet, and so there is. There's

0:23:00.160 --> 0:23:02.159
<v Speaker 2>this incredible person that came on. I want to get

0:23:02.160 --> 0:23:08.320
<v Speaker 2>her name right. It was doctor doctor Laction. She's an

0:23:08.400 --> 0:23:11.720
<v Speaker 2>expert on boundaries, and she said the darnedest thing. She said,

0:23:12.320 --> 0:23:14.240
<v Speaker 2>here's how you can start to get a hold of this,

0:23:14.240 --> 0:23:17.200
<v Speaker 2>because you don't realize how sneaky it is. You have

0:23:17.280 --> 0:23:22.080
<v Speaker 2>to create a pause, like think about creating a little

0:23:22.160 --> 0:23:25.840
<v Speaker 2>bit of a space between you and the world. And

0:23:25.840 --> 0:23:29.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to give you an example. Let's say you're

0:23:29.320 --> 0:23:31.720
<v Speaker 2>a teacher, or you're a nurse, or you have a

0:23:31.840 --> 0:23:34.159
<v Speaker 2>job where you're like, go go, go, go, go, go go,

0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:37.520
<v Speaker 2>and it's one of those jobs where you almost never

0:23:37.600 --> 0:23:40.440
<v Speaker 2>even have time to go to the bathroom. You literally

0:23:40.760 --> 0:23:44.000
<v Speaker 2>do not eat lunch when you're hungry, You couldn't possibly

0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:45.919
<v Speaker 2>take a quick break because then you're going to get

0:23:45.960 --> 0:23:48.679
<v Speaker 2>in trouble. Everybody needs you. This is another thing with

0:23:48.720 --> 0:23:51.480
<v Speaker 2>people pleasing. It's how you feel important because if you're needed,

0:23:51.520 --> 0:23:53.159
<v Speaker 2>then it gives you a sense of purpose. We're on

0:23:53.200 --> 0:23:57.280
<v Speaker 2>the on Purpose podcast, and so one of the things

0:23:57.480 --> 0:24:01.280
<v Speaker 2>that she said, which is kind of sneaky, is the

0:24:01.320 --> 0:24:04.520
<v Speaker 2>best way to start to separate yourself from the strategy

0:24:04.600 --> 0:24:09.640
<v Speaker 2>Jay is to pay attention to what your body needs.

0:24:09.960 --> 0:24:12.600
<v Speaker 2>Do you need to go to the bathroom, Do you

0:24:12.640 --> 0:24:15.159
<v Speaker 2>need to eat something right now? Do you need to

0:24:15.200 --> 0:24:19.320
<v Speaker 2>step away from your computer and just take a ten

0:24:19.359 --> 0:24:24.800
<v Speaker 2>minute walk outside, And notice how often when you're thirsty,

0:24:24.960 --> 0:24:26.919
<v Speaker 2>or you got to go to the bathroom, or you know,

0:24:26.960 --> 0:24:28.919
<v Speaker 2>you're sitting in class and you're like, I'm kind of hungry,

0:24:28.960 --> 0:24:31.199
<v Speaker 2>but I don't want to make a sound, you know,

0:24:31.240 --> 0:24:32.560
<v Speaker 2>and pull this thing out of my bed, or I

0:24:32.600 --> 0:24:34.000
<v Speaker 2>don't want to get up in the middle of this

0:24:34.119 --> 0:24:37.439
<v Speaker 2>meeting and excuse myself because I want people to like

0:24:37.520 --> 0:24:43.520
<v Speaker 2>me and respect me. Start to notice where you have

0:24:44.000 --> 0:24:47.840
<v Speaker 2>no actual separation from the world around you and your

0:24:47.880 --> 0:24:50.760
<v Speaker 2>need to just push yourself through it and be liked

0:24:50.760 --> 0:24:53.080
<v Speaker 2>by everybody and not make any waves and not do

0:24:53.200 --> 0:24:55.879
<v Speaker 2>this and make sure that nothing that is your need

0:24:57.680 --> 0:25:02.640
<v Speaker 2>creates somebody having an opinion about you. And so eat

0:25:02.960 --> 0:25:06.720
<v Speaker 2>when you're hungry at work, take a break and go

0:25:06.840 --> 0:25:09.879
<v Speaker 2>the bathroom when you realize you need to, instead of

0:25:10.000 --> 0:25:12.200
<v Speaker 2>holding it because you don't want to leave the meeting

0:25:12.320 --> 0:25:15.000
<v Speaker 2>or you don't want to get out of class. If

0:25:15.000 --> 0:25:19.320
<v Speaker 2>you are burnt out and overwhelmed, go up to your

0:25:19.359 --> 0:25:22.359
<v Speaker 2>manager and say I need a ten minute break. And

0:25:22.400 --> 0:25:25.960
<v Speaker 2>what you're going to notice is how often you're unwilling

0:25:26.680 --> 0:25:31.160
<v Speaker 2>to take care of your own basic needs because you're

0:25:31.200 --> 0:25:33.159
<v Speaker 2>worried about what people are going to think if you do.

0:25:34.040 --> 0:25:37.879
<v Speaker 2>And so that is a way to just start to

0:25:37.960 --> 0:25:41.959
<v Speaker 2>separate yourself. Because when you're a manipulator like that, like

0:25:42.040 --> 0:25:45.240
<v Speaker 2>I used to be, it is so in your DNA,

0:25:45.400 --> 0:25:47.240
<v Speaker 2>you know. So you'll order a cup of coffee and

0:25:47.280 --> 0:25:48.639
<v Speaker 2>they'll get it wrong and be like, oh no, no, you

0:25:48.680 --> 0:25:50.840
<v Speaker 2>don't need to fix it. I'd ordered the Chibe, but

0:25:50.880 --> 0:25:54.400
<v Speaker 2>I'll take the expresso triple shot thing, No problem, no problem,

0:25:54.480 --> 0:25:57.480
<v Speaker 2>I got it. I'm easy, okay. And then you walk

0:25:57.480 --> 0:25:59.359
<v Speaker 2>out and you're like, damn it. They always get it

0:25:59.400 --> 0:25:59.919
<v Speaker 2>wrong in there.

0:26:00.920 --> 0:26:02.480
<v Speaker 3>Do you know why I love that?

0:26:02.520 --> 0:26:06.600
<v Speaker 1>I absolutely love that now because it's so interesting how

0:26:07.880 --> 0:26:12.240
<v Speaker 1>our bodies always know what they need, right. You don't

0:26:12.280 --> 0:26:16.120
<v Speaker 1>have to think about becoming hungry. Your body just tells you.

0:26:16.520 --> 0:26:19.040
<v Speaker 1>You don't have to think about being thirsty. Your body

0:26:19.080 --> 0:26:21.439
<v Speaker 1>tells you you don't need to think about sleep. Your

0:26:21.440 --> 0:26:24.600
<v Speaker 1>body tells you when it's tired. And it's so interesting

0:26:24.720 --> 0:26:28.320
<v Speaker 1>why we struggle today. I'm realizing this literally by talking

0:26:28.359 --> 0:26:31.679
<v Speaker 1>to you right now. We struggle with sleep today, we

0:26:31.720 --> 0:26:34.600
<v Speaker 1>struggle with eating today. We struggle with all of these

0:26:34.600 --> 0:26:37.920
<v Speaker 1>things today because of what you just said, because we've

0:26:37.920 --> 0:26:40.479
<v Speaker 1>ignored the body, yes, and we're trying to figure it

0:26:40.520 --> 0:26:43.280
<v Speaker 1>all out in our mind when the body's been telling

0:26:43.320 --> 0:26:45.600
<v Speaker 1>us and guiding us all along. So this lack of

0:26:45.640 --> 0:26:48.600
<v Speaker 1>alignment that we have between the mind and the body,

0:26:48.800 --> 0:26:50.520
<v Speaker 1>but the body saying do this, do this, do this,

0:26:50.840 --> 0:26:51.440
<v Speaker 1>and the mind.

0:26:51.280 --> 0:26:52.240
<v Speaker 3>Saying I can't. I can't.

0:26:52.280 --> 0:26:54.760
<v Speaker 1>I can't because so and so will say that, so

0:26:54.800 --> 0:26:57.879
<v Speaker 1>and so will think that that lack of alignment is

0:26:57.920 --> 0:26:59.719
<v Speaker 1>what makes it so hard to go to sleep when

0:26:59.760 --> 0:27:00.080
<v Speaker 1>you want.

0:27:00.240 --> 0:27:02.200
<v Speaker 2>To correct like how many of us stay awake and

0:27:02.200 --> 0:27:03.800
<v Speaker 2>we're like, okay, I'll watch and have their episode with

0:27:03.840 --> 0:27:04.960
<v Speaker 2>you when you don't want to.

0:27:07.760 --> 0:27:11.480
<v Speaker 1>Oh, in my case, Robie falls asleep just when we

0:27:11.520 --> 0:27:12.480
<v Speaker 1>figured out what we were.

0:27:12.359 --> 0:27:12.960
<v Speaker 3>Going to watch.

0:27:13.160 --> 0:27:15.080
<v Speaker 1>Yes, and now I'm sitting there going on, I have

0:27:15.080 --> 0:27:16.480
<v Speaker 1>to wait for you to watch this time.

0:27:17.000 --> 0:27:18.720
<v Speaker 2>No you don't, No, you don't.

0:27:18.760 --> 0:27:19.840
<v Speaker 1>I end up doing like and so.

0:27:20.320 --> 0:27:22.480
<v Speaker 2>But this is really important because it sounds like a

0:27:22.560 --> 0:27:26.000
<v Speaker 2>dumb suggestion, but it makes a lot of sense because

0:27:26.040 --> 0:27:28.520
<v Speaker 2>how on earth are you going to be able to

0:27:28.560 --> 0:27:31.880
<v Speaker 2>start putting yourself first and drawing bigger boundaries. No, I'm

0:27:31.880 --> 0:27:36.159
<v Speaker 2>not coming home from the holidays. No I am not

0:27:36.359 --> 0:27:39.040
<v Speaker 2>going to take that weekend shift, even though you need

0:27:39.119 --> 0:27:42.639
<v Speaker 2>help at work, I have plans. If you can't start

0:27:42.680 --> 0:27:46.719
<v Speaker 2>to pay attention to the basic needs because you, you know,

0:27:48.000 --> 0:27:49.760
<v Speaker 2>want to please your partner and make sure they're not

0:27:49.800 --> 0:27:51.840
<v Speaker 2>upset with you in the morning, so you're gonna sit

0:27:51.920 --> 0:27:54.680
<v Speaker 2>up late even though you don't want to, then you're

0:27:54.800 --> 0:27:57.840
<v Speaker 2>never going to be able to draw bigger boundaries when

0:27:57.840 --> 0:28:00.639
<v Speaker 2>it feels like the stakes are even higher. And so

0:28:00.720 --> 0:28:03.280
<v Speaker 2>what I love about this pause is it's a way

0:28:03.320 --> 0:28:07.600
<v Speaker 2>to start to interrupt your own behavior so you can

0:28:07.760 --> 0:28:12.159
<v Speaker 2>notice how insidious it is, like how it's everywhere that

0:28:12.240 --> 0:28:15.400
<v Speaker 2>you literally will trip over yourself and stomp on your

0:28:15.400 --> 0:28:18.320
<v Speaker 2>own head as long as people aren't mad at you,

0:28:18.440 --> 0:28:20.400
<v Speaker 2>or they're not disappointed, or you're not going to get

0:28:20.400 --> 0:28:22.560
<v Speaker 2>in trouble, or they're still going to like you, and

0:28:22.600 --> 0:28:25.880
<v Speaker 2>then it's just exhausting. And so I loved that advice.

0:28:26.000 --> 0:28:37.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's hard to do. We all want to feel better,

0:28:37.200 --> 0:28:39.760
<v Speaker 1>to have more energy and more focus throughout the day.

0:28:40.240 --> 0:28:44.080
<v Speaker 1>That's why I co founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenet drink

0:28:44.320 --> 0:28:48.480
<v Speaker 1>made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and Lion's maine. It's

0:28:48.520 --> 0:28:51.640
<v Speaker 1>designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give

0:28:51.680 --> 0:28:56.160
<v Speaker 1>you natural energy, all without the crash. A new classic reimagined.

0:28:56.440 --> 0:29:00.239
<v Speaker 1>We're so excited to officially launch a new lemonade iced

0:29:00.320 --> 0:29:03.480
<v Speaker 1>tea flavor. When we created Juny, my goal was simple.

0:29:03.760 --> 0:29:05.960
<v Speaker 1>I wanted to make drinks that help you feel balanced

0:29:05.960 --> 0:29:09.960
<v Speaker 1>and energized without compromise. Our upgraded take on the classic

0:29:10.120 --> 0:29:14.640
<v Speaker 1>Arnold Palmer is crisp, refreshing and crafted with adaptagens to

0:29:14.680 --> 0:29:18.640
<v Speaker 1>support energy, focus and mood, all with zero sugar. Be

0:29:18.720 --> 0:29:22.120
<v Speaker 1>among the first to try it. Available exclusively at drinkjuni

0:29:22.200 --> 0:29:25.120
<v Speaker 1>dot com, where you can use the code on Purpose

0:29:25.160 --> 0:29:29.560
<v Speaker 1>twenty for twenty percent off your first order. Cheers to

0:29:29.600 --> 0:29:40.640
<v Speaker 1>your daily mood boost. As I'm listening to you, I'm

0:29:40.720 --> 0:29:45.080
<v Speaker 1>just thinking about this. I'm thinking, if I'm even lucky

0:29:45.200 --> 0:29:48.640
<v Speaker 1>enough to make someone not mad at me, even if

0:29:48.680 --> 0:29:51.400
<v Speaker 1>I'm lucky enough to pull that off, I'm probably going

0:29:51.480 --> 0:29:54.120
<v Speaker 1>to go to bed mad at myself. And even if

0:29:54.160 --> 0:29:58.080
<v Speaker 1>I'm lucky enough to convince someone to like me, I'm

0:29:58.080 --> 0:30:00.000
<v Speaker 1>probably going to go to bed disliking myself.

0:30:00.280 --> 0:30:00.640
<v Speaker 2>Hm hmm.

0:30:00.760 --> 0:30:02.960
<v Speaker 1>And if someone convinced me to say yes when I

0:30:02.960 --> 0:30:05.440
<v Speaker 1>wanted to say no, I'm going to go to bed

0:30:05.480 --> 0:30:08.560
<v Speaker 1>feeling like I betrayed myself. And so it's a really

0:30:08.600 --> 0:30:11.120
<v Speaker 1>fascinating feeling that we have where like we're trying to

0:30:11.160 --> 0:30:14.760
<v Speaker 1>win in the outside world, being okay to lose in

0:30:14.800 --> 0:30:19.120
<v Speaker 1>the inside world, and that inside world is what we

0:30:19.160 --> 0:30:22.640
<v Speaker 1>live in all day. That's what we're actually seeing through,

0:30:22.720 --> 0:30:26.480
<v Speaker 1>living through, breathing through. It's the lens that everything happens through.

0:30:26.480 --> 0:30:29.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, when I look at your journey, mal and

0:30:29.600 --> 0:30:31.840
<v Speaker 1>I love the year you're having. I love I just

0:30:31.920 --> 0:30:34.480
<v Speaker 1>want to give mel her flowers because she's just phenomenal,

0:30:34.560 --> 0:30:38.960
<v Speaker 1>Like she has worked like I've known Mal. I think

0:30:39.000 --> 0:30:40.440
<v Speaker 1>me and Mel have known each other now for like

0:30:41.280 --> 0:30:44.960
<v Speaker 1>i'd say, like seven years, maybe even a bit longer. Yes,

0:30:45.560 --> 0:30:50.640
<v Speaker 1>And Mel works so hard. She has been crushing for

0:30:50.840 --> 0:30:54.240
<v Speaker 1>so many years. She has put in work and time

0:30:54.400 --> 0:30:58.200
<v Speaker 1>and energy and effort out for years. And I'm saying

0:30:58.200 --> 0:31:01.320
<v Speaker 1>that as a friend, as an admired, as a colleague,

0:31:02.080 --> 0:31:05.640
<v Speaker 1>I have seen this human only want to help people

0:31:05.920 --> 0:31:08.360
<v Speaker 1>for years and years and years and help millions of people.

0:31:09.080 --> 0:31:11.360
<v Speaker 1>And when I look at the transformations you've had from

0:31:11.400 --> 0:31:14.560
<v Speaker 1>being a lawyer to being a talk show host, to

0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:19.640
<v Speaker 1>becoming one of the biggest public speakers in the country

0:31:19.920 --> 0:31:22.720
<v Speaker 1>and the world, to go on to write multiple best

0:31:22.760 --> 0:31:24.960
<v Speaker 1>selling books, to go on to have the number one

0:31:25.000 --> 0:31:28.560
<v Speaker 1>podcast in the world, to go on to just conquer

0:31:28.920 --> 0:31:30.560
<v Speaker 1>all of these different fields, what.

0:31:30.560 --> 0:31:34.080
<v Speaker 2>Are you talking about? I am as surprised as you are.

0:31:34.800 --> 0:31:35.800
<v Speaker 3>I'm not surprised.

0:31:36.280 --> 0:31:39.840
<v Speaker 1>What I'm saying is what I love about you is that,

0:31:40.440 --> 0:31:46.600
<v Speaker 1>whether there has been external validation or not in different levels,

0:31:46.880 --> 0:31:50.800
<v Speaker 1>in all of these years, you have kept going, You've

0:31:50.880 --> 0:31:54.360
<v Speaker 1>kept pivoting, and you've kept giving. And that to me

0:31:54.480 --> 0:31:56.600
<v Speaker 1>is the sign that you're fueled by something deeper.

0:31:56.600 --> 0:31:57.320
<v Speaker 3>And I know that.

0:31:57.920 --> 0:32:00.880
<v Speaker 1>And the question I have for you is you've pivoted

0:32:01.000 --> 0:32:04.240
<v Speaker 1>so many times in your career, and I'm assuming that

0:32:04.280 --> 0:32:06.160
<v Speaker 1>there are people out there in this audience today who

0:32:06.160 --> 0:32:09.080
<v Speaker 1>are like jam in this pivot right now, like I'm

0:32:09.240 --> 0:32:11.560
<v Speaker 1>trying to build my side hustle. I want to quit

0:32:11.640 --> 0:32:14.080
<v Speaker 1>my job. I want to build this passion. I really

0:32:14.120 --> 0:32:16.560
<v Speaker 1>want to continue my job, but I want to start writing.

0:32:16.920 --> 0:32:19.400
<v Speaker 1>I want to blog. I want to launch a podcast.

0:32:19.440 --> 0:32:22.840
<v Speaker 1>Right there's people have so many visions and dreams. How

0:32:22.880 --> 0:32:26.400
<v Speaker 1>did you get the courage to let go and move

0:32:26.440 --> 0:32:31.880
<v Speaker 1>on multiple times when it's so hard to let go

0:32:32.000 --> 0:32:36.080
<v Speaker 1>of something that feels certain, stable and safe. How did

0:32:36.120 --> 0:32:40.480
<v Speaker 1>you choose uncertainty and unsafety when we all crave safety.

0:32:40.720 --> 0:32:43.719
<v Speaker 2>I think courage is the wrong word. I would use

0:32:43.720 --> 0:32:44.680
<v Speaker 2>the word desperation.

0:32:45.120 --> 0:32:45.520
<v Speaker 3>Haha.

0:32:45.920 --> 0:32:48.000
<v Speaker 2>No, I mean it. I mean it, you guys, Like,

0:32:48.280 --> 0:32:52.600
<v Speaker 2>I don't know what it is about my personality, but

0:32:53.280 --> 0:33:00.320
<v Speaker 2>I have like negative energy that propols me forward. I'm

0:33:00.320 --> 0:33:02.760
<v Speaker 2>being that serious, you guys, because courage sounds like this

0:33:02.840 --> 0:33:05.040
<v Speaker 2>big thing, and I know there's no courage without fear.

0:33:05.520 --> 0:33:08.520
<v Speaker 2>But the truth is, I hated my life when I

0:33:08.560 --> 0:33:10.920
<v Speaker 2>was a lawyer. I mean I would literally take the

0:33:10.960 --> 0:33:14.800
<v Speaker 2>freaking commuter rail in it felt like a death sentence.

0:33:14.840 --> 0:33:17.880
<v Speaker 2>And then you march from South Station up to High

0:33:17.960 --> 0:33:20.560
<v Speaker 2>Street and then you get in the elevator and I

0:33:20.600 --> 0:33:23.120
<v Speaker 2>would contemplate, why is there no floor thirteen?

0:33:23.280 --> 0:33:23.440
<v Speaker 1>Oh?

0:33:23.480 --> 0:33:25.960
<v Speaker 2>I know, because it's an unlucky building, And then I

0:33:25.960 --> 0:33:29.160
<v Speaker 2>would get in there and I would literally do the

0:33:29.240 --> 0:33:34.760
<v Speaker 2>bare minimum jay because I hated my life. And at

0:33:34.800 --> 0:33:38.680
<v Speaker 2>some point you will get to a point where you go,

0:33:40.400 --> 0:33:44.400
<v Speaker 2>my life doesn't work for me, like it might have

0:33:44.480 --> 0:33:49.880
<v Speaker 2>worked last year, but it's not working now. And you

0:33:49.920 --> 0:33:53.400
<v Speaker 2>will tolerate that, and you'll tolerate it for years. Some

0:33:53.480 --> 0:33:56.760
<v Speaker 2>of you will tolerate it for decades. And there's a

0:33:56.800 --> 0:34:03.840
<v Speaker 2>certain amount of negative energy wired in me in order

0:34:03.880 --> 0:34:08.720
<v Speaker 2>to organize enough of what they call the intrinsic drive

0:34:09.280 --> 0:34:13.200
<v Speaker 2>to get over your own excuses and fears and bs

0:34:13.719 --> 0:34:17.200
<v Speaker 2>and actually do the thing. And so to me, like

0:34:17.360 --> 0:34:19.759
<v Speaker 2>every pivot you guys, was either because like I had

0:34:19.760 --> 0:34:21.920
<v Speaker 2>to put gas in the tank and food on the table.

0:34:23.040 --> 0:34:25.920
<v Speaker 2>I got fired from three different jobs. I mean, it

0:34:25.920 --> 0:34:27.920
<v Speaker 2>sounds fancy to say I was a talk show host,

0:34:27.920 --> 0:34:32.560
<v Speaker 2>but the show sucked, they got canceled, and I don't care.

0:34:32.800 --> 0:34:34.879
<v Speaker 2>I don't have a problem saying it. I tried it.

0:34:35.120 --> 0:34:39.040
<v Speaker 2>I won because I tried, And at some point you're

0:34:39.080 --> 0:34:42.920
<v Speaker 2>going to understand something. You're either going to spend your

0:34:42.960 --> 0:34:48.200
<v Speaker 2>life watching other people do the things you want to do,

0:34:49.280 --> 0:34:51.040
<v Speaker 2>and then you're going to end up on your deathbed

0:34:51.160 --> 0:34:59.480
<v Speaker 2>and go, wow, I really blew it. I didn't push

0:34:59.560 --> 0:35:04.480
<v Speaker 2>myself through all of those fears and those excuses when

0:35:04.520 --> 0:35:07.960
<v Speaker 2>I could have. I really regret how I spent the

0:35:08.000 --> 0:35:11.280
<v Speaker 2>time that I had. So you're either going to spend

0:35:11.320 --> 0:35:14.120
<v Speaker 2>your life watching other people do the things that you

0:35:14.160 --> 0:35:15.959
<v Speaker 2>want to do and then spend a lot of time

0:35:16.000 --> 0:35:18.560
<v Speaker 2>making up excuses, well they're this or they're that, and

0:35:19.080 --> 0:35:21.200
<v Speaker 2>it may be true. There are people in this world

0:35:21.280 --> 0:35:23.840
<v Speaker 2>that have unfair advantages. There are people that are starting

0:35:23.880 --> 0:35:25.560
<v Speaker 2>at a different starting line than you are. There are

0:35:25.600 --> 0:35:27.560
<v Speaker 2>people that are handed a lot of money, there are

0:35:27.600 --> 0:35:31.320
<v Speaker 2>people that aren't. But you got to at some point

0:35:31.400 --> 0:35:34.239
<v Speaker 2>wake up and realize you got what you got. That's

0:35:34.280 --> 0:35:38.160
<v Speaker 2>what you got. You got the cards that have been

0:35:38.200 --> 0:35:41.200
<v Speaker 2>dealt to you are the ones that you have to play,

0:35:41.239 --> 0:35:43.239
<v Speaker 2>and so you can waste your life and your time

0:35:43.280 --> 0:35:45.680
<v Speaker 2>bitching about where you're at and being jealous of your friends,

0:35:45.680 --> 0:35:49.600
<v Speaker 2>which I did for decades, or you will get to

0:35:49.640 --> 0:35:53.200
<v Speaker 2>a point where you are so sick of yourself and

0:35:53.239 --> 0:35:56.320
<v Speaker 2>you're sick of being miserable that you actually do something

0:35:56.640 --> 0:36:00.799
<v Speaker 2>because the cost of staying where you are is so

0:36:01.000 --> 0:36:05.600
<v Speaker 2>much more painful than moving toward the thing you've been avoiding.

0:36:06.520 --> 0:36:09.560
<v Speaker 2>And so for me, whether the organizing principle Jay, was

0:36:09.640 --> 0:36:13.560
<v Speaker 2>I got bills to pay or recognizing nobody is coming

0:36:13.680 --> 0:36:15.560
<v Speaker 2>to fix this and I can either blame this all

0:36:15.560 --> 0:36:18.120
<v Speaker 2>on my husband or wish you know he was in finance.

0:36:18.360 --> 0:36:20.359
<v Speaker 2>I have this funny story where you know, I see

0:36:20.360 --> 0:36:22.640
<v Speaker 2>a friend's kitchen, right, Yeah, I don't know. Have you

0:36:22.680 --> 0:36:23.960
<v Speaker 2>guys ever had that experience in life?

0:36:24.040 --> 0:36:24.239
<v Speaker 1>Jay?

0:36:24.239 --> 0:36:25.359
<v Speaker 2>I don't know if you have, But have you ever

0:36:25.360 --> 0:36:28.600
<v Speaker 2>head that experience where people in your life that you're

0:36:28.600 --> 0:36:32.080
<v Speaker 2>doing life with all of a sudden it's like they

0:36:32.120 --> 0:36:36.399
<v Speaker 2>move to the next town or a nicer building, and

0:36:36.440 --> 0:36:41.600
<v Speaker 2>you're like, how did they have this much money? And

0:36:41.640 --> 0:36:46.719
<v Speaker 2>then you go to their house, right, and they open

0:36:46.800 --> 0:36:49.520
<v Speaker 2>up the door and you're happy for your friend like

0:36:49.640 --> 0:36:52.200
<v Speaker 2>you are. They've worked hard, they deserve this, and they

0:36:52.239 --> 0:36:54.040
<v Speaker 2>give you the glass of wine or the you know,

0:36:54.160 --> 0:37:00.640
<v Speaker 2>juny and you have that expression, and you're like and

0:37:00.680 --> 0:37:05.279
<v Speaker 2>you're trying really nice and have for that, and you're

0:37:05.320 --> 0:37:11.920
<v Speaker 2>like gripping the can so much it's gonna start to spill.

0:37:11.960 --> 0:37:14.400
<v Speaker 2>And as they give you the tour, Jay, it's like

0:37:14.560 --> 0:37:19.480
<v Speaker 2>one restoration hardware display after the other. And then they

0:37:19.520 --> 0:37:23.640
<v Speaker 2>show you the kitchen and you're like, she's got white cabinets.

0:37:24.840 --> 0:37:28.439
<v Speaker 2>That's my and dress more the white, that's what to take.

0:37:29.120 --> 0:37:35.120
<v Speaker 2>And then if you're an immature, negative, people pleasing manipulator

0:37:35.239 --> 0:37:39.000
<v Speaker 2>like I am Jay, and you have no idea how

0:37:39.080 --> 0:37:43.400
<v Speaker 2>to process your emotions like a mature adult, the second

0:37:43.480 --> 0:37:47.040
<v Speaker 2>you get in the car, you turn to your spouse

0:37:47.239 --> 0:37:49.719
<v Speaker 2>like I did, and you're like, why couldn't you be

0:37:49.840 --> 0:37:54.040
<v Speaker 2>in finance? Why do you care of people?

0:37:58.840 --> 0:37:59.000
<v Speaker 1>You know?

0:37:59.080 --> 0:38:01.920
<v Speaker 2>And poor chrisp or Chris literally is like a turtle

0:38:02.040 --> 0:38:05.239
<v Speaker 2>in the car. He's like, I don't know why I'm

0:38:05.239 --> 0:38:10.520
<v Speaker 2>not in finandia it would have made life easier. And

0:38:10.600 --> 0:38:13.239
<v Speaker 2>so you know, for years I would see what other

0:38:13.239 --> 0:38:15.000
<v Speaker 2>people had and I would be jealous. And the cool

0:38:15.000 --> 0:38:17.160
<v Speaker 2>thing about jealousy, like, let's just talk about the cool

0:38:17.200 --> 0:38:20.680
<v Speaker 2>thing about jealousy. You can't be jealous of something you

0:38:20.719 --> 0:38:26.920
<v Speaker 2>don't want. Just think about that. You can't be jealous

0:38:27.080 --> 0:38:27.759
<v Speaker 2>of something you.

0:38:27.719 --> 0:38:30.080
<v Speaker 1>Don't want be jealous about it.

0:38:30.280 --> 0:38:32.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm not jealous of anybody that lives in the fanciest

0:38:32.840 --> 0:38:36.239
<v Speaker 2>penthouse in Dubai. I don't want to live there. No

0:38:36.280 --> 0:38:39.200
<v Speaker 2>offense to Dubai. It's fantastic, that's wonderful for you. That

0:38:39.239 --> 0:38:42.680
<v Speaker 2>does not make me jealous. White kitchen cabinets with the

0:38:42.719 --> 0:38:46.480
<v Speaker 2>marble counters. That's what I got. But so there's something

0:38:46.880 --> 0:38:51.439
<v Speaker 2>in that, like the pull of it. And what I'm

0:38:51.520 --> 0:38:57.280
<v Speaker 2>going to tell you is jealousy is you blocking what's

0:38:57.400 --> 0:39:01.800
<v Speaker 2>meant for you with your insecurity. Jealousy comes up because

0:39:01.840 --> 0:39:05.400
<v Speaker 2>it's a messenger and it's trying to get your attention.

0:39:05.520 --> 0:39:08.120
<v Speaker 2>While you've been sitting there wasting hours and hours and

0:39:08.120 --> 0:39:11.040
<v Speaker 2>hours on Pinterest and blaming everything on your parents and

0:39:11.080 --> 0:39:14.400
<v Speaker 2>the person you're dating or married to, you could have

0:39:14.440 --> 0:39:18.760
<v Speaker 2>gotten to work and just figured out how to create

0:39:18.840 --> 0:39:21.960
<v Speaker 2>what you wanted. Like I spent years thinking that my

0:39:22.360 --> 0:39:26.440
<v Speaker 2>happiness and our finances was Chris's responsibility. Wow, Like, if

0:39:26.440 --> 0:39:29.560
<v Speaker 2>there's things if I want in my life, I'm capable

0:39:29.560 --> 0:39:33.600
<v Speaker 2>of paying for them. I'm capable of like getting clear

0:39:33.640 --> 0:39:35.439
<v Speaker 2>about what I want and then just go to chat

0:39:35.480 --> 0:39:37.480
<v Speaker 2>GTP and be like, this is what I'd like. I

0:39:37.520 --> 0:39:40.880
<v Speaker 2>got a year, what do I do every day for

0:39:40.920 --> 0:39:43.360
<v Speaker 2>thirty minutes? And honest to God, chat gtp's going to

0:39:43.360 --> 0:39:45.839
<v Speaker 2>spit out a plan for you, and then you're gonna

0:39:45.840 --> 0:39:47.520
<v Speaker 2>be like line like this, it's not gonna work for me.

0:39:47.560 --> 0:39:48.719
<v Speaker 2>That would work for Jay, but it's not going to

0:39:48.800 --> 0:39:51.040
<v Speaker 2>work for me, and then you're not going to do it.

0:39:51.520 --> 0:39:53.480
<v Speaker 2>And so I just got to the point at so

0:39:53.640 --> 0:39:55.279
<v Speaker 2>many times, like I got some like why did I

0:39:55.320 --> 0:39:57.400
<v Speaker 2>start a podcast because I was jealous of one of

0:39:57.400 --> 0:40:00.920
<v Speaker 2>my close friends, Jay Shetty. I swear to God, I

0:40:01.000 --> 0:40:05.200
<v Speaker 2>literally be like that, Oh it's a god ham or

0:40:05.239 --> 0:40:08.680
<v Speaker 2>him meditation shit, Like what like he's he started it

0:40:08.719 --> 0:40:13.040
<v Speaker 2>before I could. Damn Jay, Damn damn Oh Jam so

0:40:13.120 --> 0:40:17.680
<v Speaker 2>happy for you with the podcast. And then you got

0:40:17.680 --> 0:40:20.680
<v Speaker 2>to say, well, what's underneath the jealousy. There's something that

0:40:20.760 --> 0:40:25.600
<v Speaker 2>my friend is doing and he's leading the way. And

0:40:25.640 --> 0:40:28.000
<v Speaker 2>if I can get my negative ass out of the way,

0:40:29.120 --> 0:40:33.080
<v Speaker 2>I can actually see that there's something that he's doing

0:40:33.120 --> 0:40:37.719
<v Speaker 2>that's inspiring me. He's not taking anything from me, he's

0:40:37.760 --> 0:40:44.520
<v Speaker 2>giving something to me. Everybody, yes, everybody in your life

0:40:44.560 --> 0:40:49.040
<v Speaker 2>that you are jealous of is giving you something. You know,

0:40:49.080 --> 0:40:51.920
<v Speaker 2>I think about life Jay, as we're all on this

0:40:52.000 --> 0:40:58.000
<v Speaker 2>giant walk together. That's what we're doing. And there are

0:40:58.000 --> 0:41:01.280
<v Speaker 2>going to be times in your life where you're ahead

0:41:01.960 --> 0:41:06.520
<v Speaker 2>of other people because your example can help other people.

0:41:07.280 --> 0:41:10.600
<v Speaker 2>Our friend ed Molette says that you're best equipped to

0:41:10.600 --> 0:41:13.279
<v Speaker 2>help the person you used to be. If you've ever

0:41:13.280 --> 0:41:15.680
<v Speaker 2>had a kid that you know has had learning disabilities

0:41:15.680 --> 0:41:18.319
<v Speaker 2>and you've had to go through the IEP process, you

0:41:18.360 --> 0:41:22.120
<v Speaker 2>are on a walk with the entire world, and that

0:41:22.280 --> 0:41:26.000
<v Speaker 2>experience equips you to help somebody who has not gone

0:41:26.040 --> 0:41:28.480
<v Speaker 2>through that. And then there are going to be times

0:41:28.520 --> 0:41:33.239
<v Speaker 2>where you're behind and everybody in this room could teach

0:41:33.280 --> 0:41:37.760
<v Speaker 2>you something if you're willing to go through your life

0:41:37.800 --> 0:41:40.640
<v Speaker 2>with open arms and an open mind and even see

0:41:40.719 --> 0:41:44.040
<v Speaker 2>the things that you're jealous of. And like, why am

0:41:44.040 --> 0:41:45.759
<v Speaker 2>I on tour? Because he went on one? Like I'm

0:41:45.840 --> 0:41:48.960
<v Speaker 2>just such a copycat, it's unbelievable. Like, Damn, I'm jealous

0:41:49.040 --> 0:41:51.720
<v Speaker 2>Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a sign there's something

0:41:51.760 --> 0:41:53.600
<v Speaker 2>that he's doing. Oh, I know what it is. He's

0:41:53.640 --> 0:41:56.120
<v Speaker 2>actually with the people that listen to the podcast. I

0:41:56.239 --> 0:41:59.360
<v Speaker 2>want that because I miss you, guys, like I like

0:41:59.360 --> 0:42:02.319
<v Speaker 2>I'm alone Garage and Vermont for crying out loud like

0:42:02.360 --> 0:42:04.840
<v Speaker 2>I need people.

0:42:05.320 --> 0:42:06.560
<v Speaker 3>Oh well, I mean.

0:42:07.440 --> 0:42:09.680
<v Speaker 2>I need I need another drink? Can I have yours?

0:42:09.920 --> 0:42:13.480
<v Speaker 2>Of course, since I spilled myne you didn't, I would

0:42:13.520 --> 0:42:13.960
<v Speaker 2>have thrown it.

0:42:14.200 --> 0:42:16.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure you spilled it as much as you

0:42:16.120 --> 0:42:22.680
<v Speaker 1>destroyed it. But but uh, the person you're jealous of

0:42:23.480 --> 0:42:27.760
<v Speaker 1>is not taking anything from you, but is giving something

0:42:27.840 --> 0:42:30.919
<v Speaker 1>to you. I want everyone to write that down. Mel

0:42:31.080 --> 0:42:35.000
<v Speaker 1>just said that. Write it down. That is the single

0:42:35.040 --> 0:42:38.440
<v Speaker 1>best advice I've ever heard in my entire life on

0:42:38.560 --> 0:42:41.960
<v Speaker 1>overcoming jealousy and envy. Really, that is not because because

0:42:41.960 --> 0:42:44.920
<v Speaker 1>you constantly think someone's taking up your space, taking up

0:42:44.960 --> 0:42:48.920
<v Speaker 1>your opportunities, taking up every single access point, taking up

0:42:48.960 --> 0:42:51.560
<v Speaker 1>the network. You think that, and because you think that,

0:42:51.640 --> 0:42:54.320
<v Speaker 1>you think there's no space left for you. It's so

0:42:54.440 --> 0:42:56.799
<v Speaker 1>you think there's only a finite number of seats, and

0:42:56.880 --> 0:42:59.120
<v Speaker 1>so if someone else taking all those seats, then there's

0:42:59.120 --> 0:43:02.800
<v Speaker 1>no seat for me. That is the single best advice.

0:43:02.880 --> 0:43:06.560
<v Speaker 1>For give them a round applause as insane. Single best advice.

0:43:06.600 --> 0:43:10.520
<v Speaker 2>Well, I'm gonna say, Jay, is if you could text

0:43:10.560 --> 0:43:13.239
<v Speaker 2>that to me because being menopausal, I will forget that.

0:43:13.360 --> 0:43:15.359
<v Speaker 2>The second thing to you, and.

0:43:15.280 --> 0:43:18.040
<v Speaker 1>Everyone else will tag us. Everyone else will tag us

0:43:18.040 --> 0:43:20.759
<v Speaker 1>and put it out melt. Because you've been on the

0:43:20.800 --> 0:43:23.520
<v Speaker 1>podcast I think two or three times. This might be

0:43:23.560 --> 0:43:25.480
<v Speaker 1>the third or fourth. We're not going to do the

0:43:25.520 --> 0:43:27.600
<v Speaker 1>final five with you. Before we take some questions. I

0:43:27.600 --> 0:43:29.880
<v Speaker 1>want to do a new game that we invented for

0:43:30.040 --> 0:43:31.920
<v Speaker 1>the stage, and you get to be involved as well.

0:43:32.360 --> 0:43:36.359
<v Speaker 1>It's called it's called Vibe Check. And there are these

0:43:36.360 --> 0:43:38.320
<v Speaker 1>two paddles I'm gonna give you. One says it's a

0:43:38.440 --> 0:43:41.040
<v Speaker 1>vibe and the other one says not a vibe. I'm

0:43:41.080 --> 0:43:42.960
<v Speaker 1>gonna ask you, guys what you think first. The melth

0:43:43.000 --> 0:43:44.759
<v Speaker 1>is gonna tell us the truth. So I want to

0:43:44.800 --> 0:43:48.960
<v Speaker 1>hear you do your best rendition. You can do better

0:43:49.000 --> 0:43:54.520
<v Speaker 1>than that. Brilliant. I love it. I'm going to hand

0:43:54.560 --> 0:43:55.080
<v Speaker 1>these to mouth.

0:43:55.080 --> 0:43:57.000
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I want to make sure I understand this because

0:43:57.000 --> 0:43:57.799
<v Speaker 2>I want you to like me.

0:43:58.719 --> 0:44:01.319
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna read I'm going to know it's like not

0:44:01.440 --> 0:44:03.360
<v Speaker 1>in yeah, and this means it's in correct.

0:44:03.360 --> 0:44:05.120
<v Speaker 2>I red green, Okay, I get it.

0:44:05.160 --> 0:44:08.040
<v Speaker 1>Now, I'm going dotand the one I'm going to read

0:44:08.040 --> 0:44:10.440
<v Speaker 1>you different scenarios, and we're going to get the audience's

0:44:10.480 --> 0:44:13.080
<v Speaker 1>reactions first. Then we're going to get Mel's reaction, then

0:44:13.120 --> 0:44:16.319
<v Speaker 1>her explanation of her reactions. Great, all right, So the

0:44:16.360 --> 0:44:19.520
<v Speaker 1>first one, your friend really wants to go to an

0:44:19.520 --> 0:44:23.160
<v Speaker 1>event where they won't know anyone, but you've had a

0:44:23.239 --> 0:44:26.640
<v Speaker 1>really stressful week at work and are drained, So you

0:44:26.800 --> 0:44:29.719
<v Speaker 1>say no. Is it a vibe or is it not

0:44:29.760 --> 0:44:32.040
<v Speaker 1>a vibe? Say it's a vibe. If it's a vibe,

0:44:34.440 --> 0:44:38.640
<v Speaker 1>for those who it's not a vibe, all right, there's

0:44:38.680 --> 0:44:41.640
<v Speaker 1>a lot of over to Mel, I'll really again, your

0:44:41.680 --> 0:44:43.719
<v Speaker 1>friend really wants you to go to an event where

0:44:43.719 --> 0:44:46.480
<v Speaker 1>they won't know anyone, but you had a really stressful

0:44:46.480 --> 0:44:49.040
<v Speaker 1>week at work and are drained, so you say no.

0:44:49.920 --> 0:44:51.480
<v Speaker 2>Well, if they want to go to an event where

0:44:51.480 --> 0:44:54.440
<v Speaker 2>they don't know anybody, then I better not show up.

0:44:55.400 --> 0:44:56.880
<v Speaker 2>Otherwise they know somebody.

0:44:58.040 --> 0:45:03.680
<v Speaker 1>HA good answer, Mel, I like that. That's awesome, all right.

0:45:04.760 --> 0:45:07.400
<v Speaker 1>This time Will asks you to make noise. You decline

0:45:07.400 --> 0:45:10.480
<v Speaker 1>a project at work because you don't feel confident you

0:45:10.520 --> 0:45:13.520
<v Speaker 1>can handle it, even though it could have been a

0:45:13.560 --> 0:45:16.640
<v Speaker 1>big career move. Is it a vibe? Make some noise.

0:45:18.920 --> 0:45:21.800
<v Speaker 1>It's not a vibe. It's not a vibe.

0:45:22.000 --> 0:45:25.480
<v Speaker 2>Yes, no, yeah, definitely not a vibe. We got successful

0:45:25.480 --> 0:45:28.919
<v Speaker 2>people in the audience tonight. You know, you say yes

0:45:29.000 --> 0:45:32.320
<v Speaker 2>to that kind of thing you do, you do, Oh.

0:45:32.239 --> 0:45:35.120
<v Speaker 1>This one's going to be interesting. You're dating someone who

0:45:35.160 --> 0:45:39.600
<v Speaker 1>treats you well but doesn't challenge you emotionally or intellectually.

0:45:41.239 --> 0:45:44.719
<v Speaker 1>You stay in the relationship because they really take care

0:45:44.800 --> 0:45:47.240
<v Speaker 1>of you. Is it a vibe?

0:45:49.400 --> 0:45:50.240
<v Speaker 3>It's not a vibe?

0:45:52.600 --> 0:45:59.480
<v Speaker 1>No, oh, all right, explain mel you're saying it is.

0:45:59.520 --> 0:46:00.239
<v Speaker 3>They said it's not.

0:46:00.680 --> 0:46:03.280
<v Speaker 2>Well, you know, I think it depends on what you value.

0:46:04.360 --> 0:46:07.920
<v Speaker 2>Like literally, you can have a therapist that challenges you emotionally.

0:46:09.160 --> 0:46:11.720
<v Speaker 2>I actually, you know, I say, I've said to my

0:46:11.719 --> 0:46:15.719
<v Speaker 2>my our kids that you know, I think about the

0:46:15.760 --> 0:46:18.600
<v Speaker 2>person that you're going to create a life with as

0:46:18.640 --> 0:46:24.440
<v Speaker 2>your home base. And so for me, peace is what

0:46:24.560 --> 0:46:26.680
<v Speaker 2>I prioritize. So if you have somebody that takes care

0:46:26.760 --> 0:46:30.719
<v Speaker 2>of you, but they're not like challenging you emotionally, I

0:46:30.719 --> 0:46:32.839
<v Speaker 2>don't think the person that you're with has to be

0:46:33.120 --> 0:46:37.279
<v Speaker 2>one hundred percent of everything. And you know, like if

0:46:37.320 --> 0:46:40.920
<v Speaker 2>you are, that's different than saying you're you're with somebody

0:46:41.000 --> 0:46:45.359
<v Speaker 2>who just is like the Walking Dead. But what I

0:46:45.400 --> 0:46:48.440
<v Speaker 2>heard in that question is a like this thing that

0:46:48.520 --> 0:46:52.240
<v Speaker 2>happens in relationships where you constantly think is there's somebody

0:46:52.280 --> 0:46:56.400
<v Speaker 2>better out there and you're searching for this sort of

0:46:56.520 --> 0:46:59.680
<v Speaker 2>Frankenstein version of a human being where you take a

0:46:59.719 --> 0:47:01.520
<v Speaker 2>little bit of this and a little bit of that

0:47:01.640 --> 0:47:04.880
<v Speaker 2>and a little bit of this, and you forget that

0:47:04.960 --> 0:47:08.880
<v Speaker 2>if you got eighty percent of the things that actually matter,

0:47:09.560 --> 0:47:12.359
<v Speaker 2>you're with somebody who's loyal, who's kind to you, who

0:47:12.400 --> 0:47:16.600
<v Speaker 2>cares about you, who is interested in learning. But you know,

0:47:17.160 --> 0:47:22.399
<v Speaker 2>anybody can develop skills and becoming more self aware that's

0:47:22.440 --> 0:47:26.880
<v Speaker 2>a skill. Becoming more like emotionally aware, that's a skill.

0:47:26.920 --> 0:47:29.200
<v Speaker 2>And so I think, you know, one of the big things,

0:47:29.320 --> 0:47:31.520
<v Speaker 2>especially as a mom, that I keep saying to my

0:47:31.640 --> 0:47:35.480
<v Speaker 2>kids is we get so obsessed about the shiny stuff

0:47:35.520 --> 0:47:37.640
<v Speaker 2>on the outside, like we've been talking about, that we

0:47:38.239 --> 0:47:42.640
<v Speaker 2>actually don't give enough value to the things that matter

0:47:42.800 --> 0:47:45.680
<v Speaker 2>over the long haul. Yes, because you know, having been

0:47:45.719 --> 0:47:48.760
<v Speaker 2>with Chris for thirty years, I've hated the man at times,

0:47:48.880 --> 0:47:52.439
<v Speaker 2>like I literally, And it's about whether or not you're

0:47:52.480 --> 0:47:55.239
<v Speaker 2>with somebody that when you come home you're going to

0:47:55.239 --> 0:47:58.440
<v Speaker 2>exhale that when you're going through a hard time, you

0:47:58.600 --> 0:48:00.799
<v Speaker 2>know that they're going to be there for you and

0:48:00.800 --> 0:48:02.640
<v Speaker 2>that you're going to be there for them. That this

0:48:02.760 --> 0:48:05.160
<v Speaker 2>is a person that may not have it all, because

0:48:05.200 --> 0:48:07.160
<v Speaker 2>none of us do, but it's a person that's willing

0:48:07.560 --> 0:48:10.360
<v Speaker 2>to grow with you and to try, and so to me,

0:48:10.760 --> 0:48:12.719
<v Speaker 2>I think that that's what I heard in that.

0:48:13.040 --> 0:48:16.879
<v Speaker 1>I love it. Great answer, great answer. All right, last one.

0:48:18.320 --> 0:48:21.919
<v Speaker 1>You guys having fun also, all right, last one, last

0:48:21.920 --> 0:48:25.040
<v Speaker 1>one before we take some questions. Okay, you have a

0:48:25.080 --> 0:48:28.640
<v Speaker 1>close friend who always dates people who are bad for them.

0:48:29.600 --> 0:48:30.839
<v Speaker 3>It can relate, right, all right.

0:48:31.840 --> 0:48:35.240
<v Speaker 1>You've said things in the past and they haven't listened.

0:48:36.200 --> 0:48:39.960
<v Speaker 1>You see them making a major mistake again, but you

0:48:40.120 --> 0:48:45.280
<v Speaker 1>decide not to say anything this time. Is it a vibe.

0:48:47.520 --> 0:48:50.960
<v Speaker 1>It's a vibe, they're saying, it's a vibe to not

0:48:51.000 --> 0:48:53.320
<v Speaker 1>say anything this time. Already again, you have a close

0:48:53.360 --> 0:48:55.759
<v Speaker 1>friend who always dates people are bad for them. You've

0:48:55.800 --> 0:48:58.520
<v Speaker 1>said things in the past and they haven't listened. You

0:48:58.560 --> 0:49:01.840
<v Speaker 1>see them making a major misstake again, but you decide

0:49:01.960 --> 0:49:10.160
<v Speaker 1>not to say anything this time. Oh, disagreement again.

0:49:10.320 --> 0:49:12.320
<v Speaker 2>Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because

0:49:12.400 --> 0:49:22.560
<v Speaker 2>let them doesn't mean them like everybody loves that. But

0:49:22.680 --> 0:49:25.520
<v Speaker 2>there's the let me part, And the reason why they

0:49:25.520 --> 0:49:29.200
<v Speaker 2>didn't listen is because you criticize them and you were

0:49:29.280 --> 0:49:34.200
<v Speaker 2>judgmental and you thought you knew better, and so you,

0:49:34.440 --> 0:49:37.080
<v Speaker 2>just like I have done in my life, made this

0:49:37.160 --> 0:49:40.640
<v Speaker 2>mistake by thinking I know better, I actually pushed somebody

0:49:40.640 --> 0:49:43.920
<v Speaker 2>away from me and right into the arms of that person.

0:49:44.680 --> 0:49:46.840
<v Speaker 2>And so I wouldn't say what I had said in

0:49:46.880 --> 0:49:49.880
<v Speaker 2>the past, but I might say you don't seem like yourself.

0:49:51.680 --> 0:49:54.480
<v Speaker 2>I might say, have you thought about whether or not

0:49:54.520 --> 0:49:57.239
<v Speaker 2>you're happy, because I want you to be happy, and

0:49:57.280 --> 0:49:59.759
<v Speaker 2>if you're happy in this, I actually want you to

0:50:00.239 --> 0:50:03.879
<v Speaker 2>this person around. And what's going to happen is by

0:50:03.960 --> 0:50:07.480
<v Speaker 2>doing that, not judging, you're now stirring up tension. They're

0:50:07.520 --> 0:50:10.560
<v Speaker 2>not an idiot. People know when they're with somebody who

0:50:10.640 --> 0:50:14.200
<v Speaker 2>treats them like crap. But when we judge and we

0:50:14.280 --> 0:50:17.400
<v Speaker 2>think we know better now, we are piling on judgment,

0:50:17.400 --> 0:50:20.840
<v Speaker 2>which makes them feel more trapped and ashamed because they know.

0:50:22.080 --> 0:50:26.000
<v Speaker 2>And so you taking an approach that is more of

0:50:26.040 --> 0:50:28.200
<v Speaker 2>the let me side of this, that's like, let me

0:50:28.280 --> 0:50:30.319
<v Speaker 2>be more compassionate, let me just say I want you

0:50:30.360 --> 0:50:32.160
<v Speaker 2>to be happy, and you don't seem happy, and just

0:50:32.360 --> 0:50:35.800
<v Speaker 2>I'm here, and if us all going out to dinner

0:50:35.840 --> 0:50:39.440
<v Speaker 2>together is gonna like bring you closer. I would love

0:50:39.480 --> 0:50:40.960
<v Speaker 2>to go out to dinner with you in this person,

0:50:41.920 --> 0:50:45.200
<v Speaker 2>and then they're gonna have to sit with that. But

0:50:45.400 --> 0:50:48.600
<v Speaker 2>that's how you keep somebody closer, and you make it

0:50:48.760 --> 0:50:51.920
<v Speaker 2>safe for them to come to you when things get

0:50:51.960 --> 0:50:53.880
<v Speaker 2>hard and when they're going to leave, because you know,

0:50:54.040 --> 0:50:56.359
<v Speaker 2>also if this is somebody that has been doing this

0:50:56.400 --> 0:50:59.200
<v Speaker 2>over and over, it's a pattern and this is something

0:50:59.239 --> 0:51:02.360
<v Speaker 2>that they're going to keep heating, and it's going to

0:51:02.400 --> 0:51:04.920
<v Speaker 2>take time for them to see that they're worthy. And

0:51:05.000 --> 0:51:07.399
<v Speaker 2>so the worst thing you could do is push them

0:51:07.440 --> 0:51:09.960
<v Speaker 2>toward the other person by being judgmental. You want to

0:51:10.320 --> 0:51:13.120
<v Speaker 2>keep them very close, particularly if you're worried about them.

0:51:14.000 --> 0:51:19.640
<v Speaker 1>Beautiful Mel, Mel, I love, I love the disagreement in

0:51:19.640 --> 0:51:22.239
<v Speaker 1>the room, but coming to a nice wholesome agreement. We

0:51:22.280 --> 0:51:24.920
<v Speaker 1>wanted to make this night special. The fact that you've

0:51:24.960 --> 0:51:27.360
<v Speaker 1>come out for a live taping of the recording. I

0:51:27.400 --> 0:51:29.400
<v Speaker 1>wanted to make sure that we get you involved. And

0:51:29.440 --> 0:51:32.520
<v Speaker 1>so now Mels kindly agreed to Mel, and I would

0:51:32.560 --> 0:51:36.000
<v Speaker 1>love to take your questions. I'm going to have Taylor

0:51:36.040 --> 0:51:38.520
<v Speaker 1>from my team coming around. She has a microphone. If

0:51:38.560 --> 0:51:41.399
<v Speaker 1>you have a real, genuine, burning question that you'd wanted

0:51:41.440 --> 0:51:43.799
<v Speaker 1>to ask Mel, something, your opportunity.

0:51:43.960 --> 0:51:45.280
<v Speaker 2>It's going to make j blush.

0:51:45.520 --> 0:51:49.000
<v Speaker 1>Raise your raise your hand, and Taylor will come and

0:51:49.040 --> 0:51:49.480
<v Speaker 1>find you.

0:51:50.520 --> 0:51:51.160
<v Speaker 3>This is Taylor.

0:51:51.200 --> 0:51:53.320
<v Speaker 1>Everyone makes some noise for Taylor and the brown Blazer.

0:51:56.719 --> 0:51:58.640
<v Speaker 1>Be nice to her, otherwise she won't pick you.

0:52:03.400 --> 0:52:05.440
<v Speaker 2>Hi, everybody, You guys are so good looking.

0:52:06.600 --> 0:52:09.960
<v Speaker 1>Please stand up when you ask your question?

0:52:10.080 --> 0:52:11.879
<v Speaker 3>What's your tell us? Your name? Hey man? How's it going?

0:52:12.320 --> 0:52:14.160
<v Speaker 1>Fantastic ladies and gentlemen.

0:52:14.160 --> 0:52:16.919
<v Speaker 5>I'm such an honor, such an honor to be here

0:52:16.920 --> 0:52:23.880
<v Speaker 5>with this Melanjay, Oh my god. Danny Wadwani born and

0:52:23.960 --> 0:52:26.880
<v Speaker 5>raised in Ghana, West Africa, Indian by.

0:52:26.760 --> 0:52:35.240
<v Speaker 6>Origin, being in Boston for twenty years now amazing. Here's

0:52:35.280 --> 0:52:41.799
<v Speaker 6>my question for you, in all that you've shared, in

0:52:41.960 --> 0:52:51.479
<v Speaker 6>all that you've become, when you are envisioning the better Mel,

0:52:52.760 --> 0:52:57.359
<v Speaker 6>the male you've envisioned, or the highest truest version of Mel,

0:52:59.160 --> 0:53:05.000
<v Speaker 6>where do you go to to tap into that source

0:53:05.080 --> 0:53:12.680
<v Speaker 6>of power, courage and reinforcement to push that male forward

0:53:12.880 --> 0:53:15.120
<v Speaker 6>or to capture where that male is trying to go

0:53:15.239 --> 0:53:17.360
<v Speaker 6>because we all have moments where we want.

0:53:17.160 --> 0:53:18.440
<v Speaker 3>To be somewhere.

0:53:20.080 --> 0:53:22.840
<v Speaker 5>Or we think we can get there, but we're doubting,

0:53:25.960 --> 0:53:29.440
<v Speaker 5>and so much is going on around us where we

0:53:29.440 --> 0:53:31.240
<v Speaker 5>we cannot silence the noise.

0:53:32.360 --> 0:53:33.120
<v Speaker 3>There must be.

0:53:33.120 --> 0:53:36.839
<v Speaker 1>A source of power or a source of.

0:53:39.640 --> 0:53:41.640
<v Speaker 3>People, or a source of.

0:53:41.680 --> 0:53:44.239
<v Speaker 5>Something that people like you and J tap into it

0:53:44.280 --> 0:53:48.080
<v Speaker 5>to say, I can absolutely effin do this. I'm going

0:53:48.160 --> 0:53:49.640
<v Speaker 5>to go from on pourpers to.

0:53:50.400 --> 0:53:51.880
<v Speaker 3>Ju to everyone.

0:53:53.880 --> 0:53:59.200
<v Speaker 1>Thank you great. First question, you want me to take

0:53:59.200 --> 0:54:00.320
<v Speaker 1>a verse to me?

0:54:00.600 --> 0:54:03.239
<v Speaker 2>He said, okay, oh that's right. Well I was going

0:54:03.280 --> 0:54:05.799
<v Speaker 2>to see how you were going to ask whatever you want,

0:54:06.000 --> 0:54:09.080
<v Speaker 2>So I guess I want to I want to approach

0:54:09.160 --> 0:54:15.839
<v Speaker 2>this two ways, because what you're actually talking about is

0:54:16.480 --> 0:54:24.359
<v Speaker 2>cultivating a sense of faith in your ability to make

0:54:24.400 --> 0:54:28.759
<v Speaker 2>things turn out without knowing whether or not they do.

0:54:30.480 --> 0:54:33.920
<v Speaker 2>And so there is this thing that I say to

0:54:34.000 --> 0:54:39.320
<v Speaker 2>myself when it feels like things are not happening fast enough,

0:54:39.480 --> 0:54:41.839
<v Speaker 2>or oh there's another job I just got fired from,

0:54:42.000 --> 0:54:44.960
<v Speaker 2>or oh there's another bill, like all those moments of

0:54:45.000 --> 0:54:47.680
<v Speaker 2>my life where you know, it's funny, you can define

0:54:47.680 --> 0:54:50.680
<v Speaker 2>what you want, but oftentimes you get it, but it's

0:54:50.719 --> 0:54:55.120
<v Speaker 2>not how you thought you would, And so I cultivated

0:54:55.120 --> 0:54:57.640
<v Speaker 2>this kind of saying for myself where I would literally

0:54:57.680 --> 0:55:00.719
<v Speaker 2>say to myself, I refuse to believe that this is

0:55:00.760 --> 0:55:01.279
<v Speaker 2>how it ends.

0:55:02.680 --> 0:55:03.680
<v Speaker 1>I love that that.

0:55:04.080 --> 0:55:08.680
<v Speaker 2>I believe that this moment, no matter how sucky it is,

0:55:08.680 --> 0:55:12.400
<v Speaker 2>is preparing me for something in the future that I

0:55:12.600 --> 0:55:16.760
<v Speaker 2>do not know is going to happen. And the reason

0:55:16.760 --> 0:55:19.759
<v Speaker 2>why I know that this works is because each and

0:55:19.800 --> 0:55:23.400
<v Speaker 2>every one of you. You can sit in this moment

0:55:23.520 --> 0:55:27.279
<v Speaker 2>with Jay and Me and everybody here right now, and

0:55:27.719 --> 0:55:31.600
<v Speaker 2>if you look back on your life, you can see

0:55:31.640 --> 0:55:35.000
<v Speaker 2>how everything that happened, good or bad. I'm not saying

0:55:35.040 --> 0:55:37.680
<v Speaker 2>you deserve any of the bad things, but you can

0:55:37.719 --> 0:55:43.160
<v Speaker 2>see how everything that happened led you here right now,

0:55:44.120 --> 0:55:47.120
<v Speaker 2>that every day, every experience right is just a brick

0:55:47.239 --> 0:55:50.840
<v Speaker 2>in the path of life. And if that is true,

0:55:50.920 --> 0:55:55.920
<v Speaker 2>which it is, then it is also true that where

0:55:55.960 --> 0:55:58.279
<v Speaker 2>you are in this moment is also a brick on

0:55:58.360 --> 0:56:03.319
<v Speaker 2>that same path, and it is leading you somewhere. And

0:56:03.480 --> 0:56:06.600
<v Speaker 2>I choose to believe that that somewhere that it's leading

0:56:06.920 --> 0:56:10.719
<v Speaker 2>is way bigger and more amazing and cooler than you

0:56:10.760 --> 0:56:17.160
<v Speaker 2>could possibly imagine. Now. It may be seventeen years before

0:56:17.400 --> 0:56:22.279
<v Speaker 2>you look back on this moment and say, that's why

0:56:22.320 --> 0:56:24.399
<v Speaker 2>that happened, Because you know, when I invented the five

0:56:24.520 --> 0:56:26.640
<v Speaker 2>second role, counting five four three two one to get

0:56:26.680 --> 0:56:28.960
<v Speaker 2>out of bed when we were eight hundred thousand dollars

0:56:28.960 --> 0:56:32.279
<v Speaker 2>in debt, it was nineteen miles from here. February two

0:56:32.360 --> 0:56:35.680
<v Speaker 2>thousand and eight, Tuesday morning. One decision changed my life.

0:56:36.360 --> 0:56:39.360
<v Speaker 2>I had no idea in that moment that that little

0:56:39.400 --> 0:56:42.400
<v Speaker 2>countdown thing would be the brick that would lead me

0:56:42.480 --> 0:56:45.799
<v Speaker 2>all the way here. I'll share another story. I for

0:56:45.960 --> 0:56:49.440
<v Speaker 2>years would watch people that wrote books and had podcasts

0:56:49.480 --> 0:56:51.759
<v Speaker 2>and all this stuff be asked to be interviewed by

0:56:51.840 --> 0:56:54.560
<v Speaker 2>Oprah Winfrey, and I would always sit there going, why

0:56:54.600 --> 0:56:57.000
<v Speaker 2>am I not getting asked? And then I would say

0:56:57.000 --> 0:57:00.600
<v Speaker 2>to myself, one of these days, it's going to happen

0:57:00.680 --> 0:57:03.720
<v Speaker 2>one of these that you have. If it hasn't happened yet,

0:57:03.760 --> 0:57:09.200
<v Speaker 2>here's another one, it's because it's not meant to happen now.

0:57:10.960 --> 0:57:13.760
<v Speaker 2>And so when Jay acknowledged me for all the crazy

0:57:13.840 --> 0:57:18.760
<v Speaker 2>stuff that's been going on this year, it occurred to me, Oh,

0:57:19.440 --> 0:57:23.120
<v Speaker 2>that's why it didn't happen then, because I was being

0:57:23.200 --> 0:57:27.200
<v Speaker 2>held for a different moment you are being held for

0:57:27.320 --> 0:57:32.080
<v Speaker 2>a different moment and cultivating that faith in yourself that

0:57:32.200 --> 0:57:34.960
<v Speaker 2>you have the capacity to keep going, that there are

0:57:35.040 --> 0:57:37.800
<v Speaker 2>lessons that you still need, that there is some bigger

0:57:37.840 --> 0:57:40.720
<v Speaker 2>possibility in the future that is waiting for you, which

0:57:40.760 --> 0:57:44.440
<v Speaker 2>is why it's not happening now. And there's that famous

0:57:44.480 --> 0:57:46.000
<v Speaker 2>I think. I don't know if it was jay Z

0:57:46.120 --> 0:57:50.120
<v Speaker 2>that set up, but literally the genius thing that both

0:57:50.240 --> 0:57:52.840
<v Speaker 2>Jay and I have done is we just don't quit.

0:57:54.160 --> 0:57:59.280
<v Speaker 2>We don't quit it. And I do think you have

0:57:59.400 --> 0:58:05.960
<v Speaker 2>to outlast yourself because you're the one who's gonna quit.

0:58:07.120 --> 0:58:10.680
<v Speaker 2>You're not against Jay or me, it's you against you.

0:58:11.520 --> 0:58:14.040
<v Speaker 2>And so when I think of the I can't remember

0:58:14.040 --> 0:58:16.560
<v Speaker 2>the word that you use to describe like the version

0:58:16.600 --> 0:58:19.959
<v Speaker 2>of me, the version of me that I think about

0:58:20.000 --> 0:58:22.280
<v Speaker 2>as somebody who reminds herself all the time, no matter

0:58:22.280 --> 0:58:24.680
<v Speaker 2>what's going on. Now, I choose to believe this is

0:58:24.720 --> 0:58:27.280
<v Speaker 2>in service of something that I can't even imagine that's

0:58:27.280 --> 0:58:31.240
<v Speaker 2>going to happen, and I trust that at some point

0:58:31.280 --> 0:58:34.080
<v Speaker 2>I'll know. And my job now is not to doubt,

0:58:34.720 --> 0:58:37.240
<v Speaker 2>it is to just keep going.

0:58:48.440 --> 0:58:50.760
<v Speaker 1>We all want to feel better, to have more energy

0:58:50.800 --> 0:58:53.720
<v Speaker 1>and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co

0:58:53.800 --> 0:58:58.440
<v Speaker 1>founded Juni, a sparkling adaptagenate drink made with powerful ingredients

0:58:58.600 --> 0:59:03.040
<v Speaker 1>like ushwagandha and it's designed to boost your mood, support

0:59:03.040 --> 0:59:06.960
<v Speaker 1>your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash.

0:59:07.160 --> 0:59:10.480
<v Speaker 1>Get your daily mood boost with Juni at Whole Foods

0:59:10.520 --> 0:59:14.000
<v Speaker 1>Market or head to Drinkjuni dot com to find a

0:59:14.080 --> 0:59:25.760
<v Speaker 1>store near you. I remember one of my monk teachers

0:59:25.840 --> 0:59:30.200
<v Speaker 1>used to say to me, if there's something you desire

0:59:30.200 --> 0:59:34.360
<v Speaker 1>and it hasn't manifested yet, because of three things. One

0:59:34.400 --> 0:59:38.840
<v Speaker 1>is the universe and God saying not right now. The

0:59:38.920 --> 0:59:44.520
<v Speaker 1>second is not like this, and the third is I've

0:59:44.520 --> 0:59:46.040
<v Speaker 1>got something better planned.

0:59:46.920 --> 0:59:47.720
<v Speaker 2>Well like that one.

0:59:47.800 --> 0:59:52.120
<v Speaker 1>And I have seen that in my own life, and

0:59:52.160 --> 0:59:53.200
<v Speaker 1>I think that's what Mel saying.

0:59:53.200 --> 0:59:54.640
<v Speaker 3>And that's why it made me think.

0:59:54.480 --> 0:59:59.640
<v Speaker 1>That I always used to believe that my imagination was

0:59:59.720 --> 1:00:03.520
<v Speaker 1>big and beautiful, only to realize that the universe, in

1:00:03.560 --> 1:00:09.280
<v Speaker 1>God's imagination was far, far greater than anything I could

1:00:09.320 --> 1:00:14.880
<v Speaker 1>imagine for myself. And it's that trust, in that moment

1:00:15.000 --> 1:00:17.960
<v Speaker 1>when you think your imagination is better than God's in

1:00:18.000 --> 1:00:21.640
<v Speaker 1>the universes, it's in that moment when you're not getting it.

1:00:22.280 --> 1:00:25.560
<v Speaker 1>That you have to live what Mel's saying in that

1:00:25.760 --> 1:00:28.000
<v Speaker 1>I refuse to believe it ends like this. I love

1:00:28.120 --> 1:00:31.600
<v Speaker 1>that statement and another one that I love for myself

1:00:31.600 --> 1:00:33.320
<v Speaker 1>that I've always said, and it comes back to the

1:00:33.360 --> 1:00:35.360
<v Speaker 1>same advice that Mel was giving earlier. We all need

1:00:35.440 --> 1:00:39.000
<v Speaker 1>montras to keep us going. Mine has always been this

1:00:39.160 --> 1:00:42.800
<v Speaker 1>only makes the story better. Every time I get rejected,

1:00:42.880 --> 1:00:46.000
<v Speaker 1>I've just collected something that makes the story better when

1:00:46.000 --> 1:00:47.840
<v Speaker 1>I get to tell it, and when I tell my

1:00:47.920 --> 1:00:51.200
<v Speaker 1>story in five, ten, fifteen years time, this moment just

1:00:51.240 --> 1:00:54.440
<v Speaker 1>made that story better because everyone I respect and everyone

1:00:54.480 --> 1:00:57.480
<v Speaker 1>I look up to has had that same story. If

1:00:57.480 --> 1:01:00.680
<v Speaker 1>you're failing, you're having the same story is the person

1:01:00.720 --> 1:01:03.880
<v Speaker 1>who's successful. If you're losing, you having the same story

1:01:03.880 --> 1:01:07.080
<v Speaker 1>as the person who's winning. Now, if you're losing right now,

1:01:07.120 --> 1:01:08.919
<v Speaker 1>you're having the same story as the person who wins

1:01:08.920 --> 1:01:09.560
<v Speaker 1>in ten years.

1:01:09.680 --> 1:01:10.760
<v Speaker 3>That's what they did too.

1:01:11.520 --> 1:01:13.919
<v Speaker 1>They didn't win their first championship, they didn't win their

1:01:13.920 --> 1:01:16.680
<v Speaker 1>first league. It didn't work that way, and so this

1:01:16.760 --> 1:01:19.480
<v Speaker 1>only makes the story better. But this only makes the

1:01:19.520 --> 1:01:20.080
<v Speaker 1>story better.

1:01:20.320 --> 1:01:24.240
<v Speaker 3>So so good, and that helps Taylor. Where are you? Taylor?

1:01:24.720 --> 1:01:29.360
<v Speaker 1>Taylor's over there. Who you're handing the mic to Hello,

1:01:29.480 --> 1:01:30.080
<v Speaker 1>what's your name?

1:01:30.160 --> 1:01:31.880
<v Speaker 4>Hello, My name is Tara from Boston.

1:01:32.040 --> 1:01:34.040
<v Speaker 3>Tara's nice to me. Thanks for being here.

1:01:34.160 --> 1:01:34.880
<v Speaker 2>Thank you so much.

1:01:34.920 --> 1:01:36.919
<v Speaker 4>You have been part of my life for many years.

1:01:36.920 --> 1:01:40.520
<v Speaker 2>You have no idea, so thank you. I have a question.

1:01:40.640 --> 1:01:41.400
<v Speaker 3>It's for both of you.

1:01:43.280 --> 1:01:45.120
<v Speaker 2>How can you lacko of guilt.

1:01:44.960 --> 1:01:48.000
<v Speaker 4>Or compassion from those who have caused you the most pain?

1:01:48.400 --> 1:01:51.440
<v Speaker 4>Feeling bad or like wanting to help the people that

1:01:51.480 --> 1:01:54.840
<v Speaker 4>have hurt you. I'm going to be very honest because

1:01:54.840 --> 1:01:56.800
<v Speaker 4>that's just who I am. I think a lot of

1:01:56.840 --> 1:02:03.040
<v Speaker 4>my you know, my family unfortunately has hurt me in ways.

1:02:03.200 --> 1:02:06.080
<v Speaker 4>So I'm just trying to find as I get older,

1:02:06.480 --> 1:02:08.120
<v Speaker 4>you know, how do I let go of that guilt?

1:02:08.720 --> 1:02:09.960
<v Speaker 4>I want to give them compassion.

1:02:10.040 --> 1:02:13.560
<v Speaker 2>But then I'm like, oh, well, I think you have

1:02:13.600 --> 1:02:16.360
<v Speaker 2>to ask yourself, how is the way that you're doing

1:02:16.400 --> 1:02:20.600
<v Speaker 2>it now helping you? Is it working?

1:02:24.080 --> 1:02:26.520
<v Speaker 4>I have I don't know, I don't I don't really know.

1:02:28.720 --> 1:02:32.920
<v Speaker 2>This is the only thing that has helped me. And

1:02:33.160 --> 1:02:36.720
<v Speaker 2>I relate to the question, and I don't know anything

1:02:36.760 --> 1:02:40.800
<v Speaker 2>about your background, so I don't want to presume like anything,

1:02:41.520 --> 1:02:46.160
<v Speaker 2>but you are not responsible for what was done to you.

1:02:47.200 --> 1:02:54.560
<v Speaker 2>But you are responsible for what you do next, and

1:02:55.560 --> 1:03:03.760
<v Speaker 2>I choose to believe that beings basically families. Well, first

1:03:03.760 --> 1:03:05.240
<v Speaker 2>of all, you know, families teach you how to love

1:03:05.280 --> 1:03:09.880
<v Speaker 2>people you hate. That's why they have families. Second, you know,

1:03:09.920 --> 1:03:12.280
<v Speaker 2>we've had expert after expert, but chan I come on

1:03:12.600 --> 1:03:17.040
<v Speaker 2>and ironically we've dropped an episode today about emotionally immature parents.

1:03:18.440 --> 1:03:20.439
<v Speaker 2>People can only give you what they have to give.

1:03:21.360 --> 1:03:24.440
<v Speaker 2>This does not excuse abuse. This does not mean that

1:03:24.480 --> 1:03:28.600
<v Speaker 2>you didn't deserve to have family or past experiences where

1:03:28.600 --> 1:03:31.040
<v Speaker 2>you felt seen and taken care of and love for

1:03:31.080 --> 1:03:35.120
<v Speaker 2>who you are and support it. But for me really

1:03:35.160 --> 1:03:38.360
<v Speaker 2>being able to separate myself from the hurt that was

1:03:38.440 --> 1:03:42.960
<v Speaker 2>caused and look through it with steely cold eyes and

1:03:43.080 --> 1:03:47.560
<v Speaker 2>basically go, you know, if it wasn't given to your parents,

1:03:47.640 --> 1:03:52.400
<v Speaker 2>they can't give it to you. And I have chosen

1:03:52.480 --> 1:03:56.600
<v Speaker 2>to stop punishing people who did the best that they

1:03:56.680 --> 1:04:00.520
<v Speaker 2>could with the situation they were in, the trauma that

1:04:00.600 --> 1:04:04.880
<v Speaker 2>they had their own life experiences, because I don't like

1:04:05.000 --> 1:04:09.680
<v Speaker 2>carrying around that judgment and hate. I don't like constantly

1:04:09.760 --> 1:04:13.320
<v Speaker 2>living in the past. It is so much easier and

1:04:13.600 --> 1:04:18.240
<v Speaker 2>freeing to basically look through the eyes of compassion and

1:04:18.280 --> 1:04:23.520
<v Speaker 2>say I deserved more, and I see fully you were

1:04:23.640 --> 1:04:29.480
<v Speaker 2>not equipped to give me what I deserve. And as

1:04:29.640 --> 1:04:35.000
<v Speaker 2>long as I hold judgment over what happened, I am

1:04:35.160 --> 1:04:39.280
<v Speaker 2>still in the past. I am still suffering. You know,

1:04:39.320 --> 1:04:41.680
<v Speaker 2>there was this analogy. I think it's TD Jakes and

1:04:41.760 --> 1:04:46.320
<v Speaker 2>Oprah Winfrey, and I believe the context is that he

1:04:46.520 --> 1:04:50.640
<v Speaker 2>was counseling her about her relationship with her mother, and

1:04:50.680 --> 1:04:54.120
<v Speaker 2>he basically said, in life, there are people who have

1:04:54.200 --> 1:04:57.960
<v Speaker 2>a quarter cup capacity. That's what they got. They got

1:04:57.960 --> 1:05:01.280
<v Speaker 2>a quarter cup of love and a ten and patience

1:05:01.280 --> 1:05:04.040
<v Speaker 2>to give. And then there are those of us, probably

1:05:04.080 --> 1:05:07.400
<v Speaker 2>most of us in the room, that have a gallon need.

1:05:08.480 --> 1:05:10.800
<v Speaker 2>If somebody only has a quarter cup to give you

1:05:10.840 --> 1:05:13.640
<v Speaker 2>and they have poured all of that into a person

1:05:13.680 --> 1:05:18.360
<v Speaker 2>who has a gallon need, we will not feel satiated,

1:05:18.400 --> 1:05:23.480
<v Speaker 2>seen or taken care of. Ever, there's this massive mismatch,

1:05:24.640 --> 1:05:28.000
<v Speaker 2>and no amount of judgment, no amount of anything, is

1:05:28.040 --> 1:05:30.680
<v Speaker 2>going to change the fact that they are who they are.

1:05:31.360 --> 1:05:34.040
<v Speaker 2>This is what happened. But you get to choose what

1:05:34.080 --> 1:05:38.600
<v Speaker 2>happens next. And for me, learning to say this person

1:05:38.720 --> 1:05:43.120
<v Speaker 2>is who they are, let them be who they are Now,

1:05:43.200 --> 1:05:45.280
<v Speaker 2>I get to choose how much time do I put

1:05:45.320 --> 1:05:48.240
<v Speaker 2>into this, how much energy do I want to look

1:05:48.920 --> 1:05:52.320
<v Speaker 2>and see and understand what they went through so that

1:05:52.360 --> 1:05:55.280
<v Speaker 2>I feel more compassion. And it's not as personal as

1:05:55.280 --> 1:05:59.520
<v Speaker 2>it feels. It's a tricky thing to do, and it's

1:05:59.560 --> 1:06:02.080
<v Speaker 2>a lifelong process because they're going to continue to trigger

1:06:02.160 --> 1:06:04.880
<v Speaker 2>the hell out of you because they are who they are.

1:06:05.360 --> 1:06:09.080
<v Speaker 2>But you get to choose how much time and energy

1:06:09.120 --> 1:06:11.800
<v Speaker 2>you put into it. You get to choose what kind

1:06:11.840 --> 1:06:15.400
<v Speaker 2>of relationship you want to create or not with the

1:06:15.440 --> 1:06:17.920
<v Speaker 2>people that hurt you in the past, and that's where

1:06:17.960 --> 1:06:18.640
<v Speaker 2>your power is.

1:06:26.640 --> 1:06:30.640
<v Speaker 1>Tarah, I'll just say I love everything else said, and

1:06:31.240 --> 1:06:36.160
<v Speaker 1>the only thing I'll add is if you want to

1:06:36.160 --> 1:06:40.640
<v Speaker 1>feel compassion for anyone that hurt you, it starts with

1:06:41.360 --> 1:06:51.280
<v Speaker 1>first being compassionate to yourself and allowing yourself the opportunity

1:06:51.280 --> 1:06:56.400
<v Speaker 1>to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. Then

1:06:56.440 --> 1:07:01.000
<v Speaker 1>you'll rise to maybe wanting to feel distant, maybe not

1:07:01.040 --> 1:07:04.120
<v Speaker 1>wanting to be involved, and then me and me, one

1:07:04.200 --> 1:07:09.120
<v Speaker 1>day you'll desire to feel compassionate, truly in a deep way.

1:07:10.000 --> 1:07:13.640
<v Speaker 1>Compassion's at the top of the ladder. It's not the

1:07:13.680 --> 1:07:17.480
<v Speaker 1>first step. And when you want to feel it. On

1:07:17.600 --> 1:07:21.959
<v Speaker 1>day one, it almost stops you from taking the first

1:07:21.960 --> 1:07:24.200
<v Speaker 1>step on the ladder. So the first step on the

1:07:24.280 --> 1:07:27.680
<v Speaker 1>ladder is anger, you're on the first step, and the

1:07:27.720 --> 1:07:31.160
<v Speaker 1>fifth step is I don't want anything to do with them,

1:07:31.400 --> 1:07:36.040
<v Speaker 1>and then the tenth step is I see why they

1:07:36.080 --> 1:07:37.000
<v Speaker 1>treated me that way.

1:07:37.640 --> 1:07:41.800
<v Speaker 2>I get it, and then you're free.

1:07:41.880 --> 1:07:53.040
<v Speaker 3>Thanks, thank you? All right, Taylor? Are you picking next? Hey?

1:07:53.080 --> 1:07:53.880
<v Speaker 3>Tell us your name.

1:07:55.000 --> 1:07:55.160
<v Speaker 2>Hi.

1:07:55.280 --> 1:07:58.600
<v Speaker 7>I'm Andrew Giankin Terry and I'm the co founder of

1:07:58.600 --> 1:08:02.080
<v Speaker 7>the Whiny Guiny and I want to understand how you

1:08:02.200 --> 1:08:07.000
<v Speaker 7>took hobbies and turn them into businesses to drive your

1:08:07.080 --> 1:08:08.040
<v Speaker 7>message forward.

1:08:09.120 --> 1:08:11.240
<v Speaker 3>It's a great question. Do you want to go first?

1:08:11.240 --> 1:08:14.200
<v Speaker 2>Man? Sure, because I want to know all your secrets

1:08:14.240 --> 1:08:16.519
<v Speaker 2>so I can copy.

1:08:19.080 --> 1:08:22.720
<v Speaker 1>The reason why I loved that question is because, at

1:08:22.800 --> 1:08:27.479
<v Speaker 1>least for me, I never believed this would ever be

1:08:27.640 --> 1:08:31.479
<v Speaker 1>my livelihood when I left the monastery, and I knew

1:08:31.520 --> 1:08:34.479
<v Speaker 1>I just wanted to spread the wisdom i'd learned. I

1:08:34.640 --> 1:08:39.000
<v Speaker 1>was happy and satisfied doing it on evenings and weekends.

1:08:39.640 --> 1:08:43.240
<v Speaker 1>So I would put together events of five to ten people.

1:08:43.280 --> 1:08:46.920
<v Speaker 1>If they'd show up in the heart of London and

1:08:47.000 --> 1:08:49.800
<v Speaker 1>talk to five to ten people, I'll do it for free.

1:08:49.840 --> 1:08:51.960
<v Speaker 1>There was no social media, there was no video, nothing

1:08:52.040 --> 1:08:55.360
<v Speaker 1>was recorded, there was no content because I just got

1:08:55.360 --> 1:08:58.680
<v Speaker 1>to do what I was passionate about. And when I

1:08:58.720 --> 1:09:01.439
<v Speaker 1>started to do that with no pressure. By the way,

1:09:02.080 --> 1:09:04.360
<v Speaker 1>when I did that, there was no pressure because I

1:09:04.400 --> 1:09:06.679
<v Speaker 1>didn't need a thousand people in the audience. I didn't

1:09:06.720 --> 1:09:10.919
<v Speaker 1>need a million views, I didn't need one hundred thousand followers.

1:09:10.960 --> 1:09:15.400
<v Speaker 1>I could just be present. I then felt to myself, well,

1:09:15.439 --> 1:09:17.320
<v Speaker 1>I want to share this with more people. Maybe I

1:09:17.360 --> 1:09:22.000
<v Speaker 1>should put a video out. Maybe that will reach more people. Again,

1:09:22.680 --> 1:09:24.479
<v Speaker 1>that was the last thing I wanted to do at

1:09:24.479 --> 1:09:26.880
<v Speaker 1>the time, but I'll tell you a bit about my

1:09:26.920 --> 1:09:30.760
<v Speaker 1>story in the second half. And so I put that out.

1:09:30.920 --> 1:09:32.639
<v Speaker 1>And then what happened is I got to a point

1:09:32.640 --> 1:09:35.360
<v Speaker 1>in my life where I had two hundred million views

1:09:35.880 --> 1:09:38.920
<v Speaker 1>on my videos, but I was four months away from

1:09:38.960 --> 1:09:43.599
<v Speaker 1>being broke, and I had this really interesting reflection. I thought,

1:09:43.640 --> 1:09:46.160
<v Speaker 1>wait a minute, I'm trying to teach the world abundance

1:09:47.840 --> 1:09:51.759
<v Speaker 1>and I'm trying to help the world live their purpose

1:09:51.840 --> 1:09:55.920
<v Speaker 1>and their passion. But I don't know if I can

1:09:55.960 --> 1:09:58.759
<v Speaker 1>even do this for longer than the next three months,

1:09:58.800 --> 1:10:02.639
<v Speaker 1>because I can't even put food on the table through it.

1:10:02.760 --> 1:10:07.639
<v Speaker 2>Cee J. It's not courage at all. Listen everybody, it's

1:10:07.680 --> 1:10:08.560
<v Speaker 2>got a problem.

1:10:08.760 --> 1:10:11.840
<v Speaker 1>It's got a problem to solve. And so I realized

1:10:11.960 --> 1:10:14.880
<v Speaker 1>what I had to do first of all. But the

1:10:14.920 --> 1:10:16.880
<v Speaker 1>reason is when you start with thinking you want to

1:10:16.880 --> 1:10:19.320
<v Speaker 1>build a business, it's really hard because that's where you

1:10:19.320 --> 1:10:20.960
<v Speaker 1>don't get to fail, you don't get to try, you

1:10:21.000 --> 1:10:23.639
<v Speaker 1>don't get to choose, you don't get to play because

1:10:24.080 --> 1:10:26.960
<v Speaker 1>there's too much pressure. Then when the pressure pulls up

1:10:27.000 --> 1:10:29.240
<v Speaker 1>and you think about it, you look at the first

1:10:29.280 --> 1:10:33.120
<v Speaker 1>thing for me was how can I serve people best?

1:10:33.560 --> 1:10:36.080
<v Speaker 1>And what are they truly looking for from me?

1:10:37.040 --> 1:10:37.200
<v Speaker 3>Right?

1:10:37.240 --> 1:10:39.559
<v Speaker 1>How do I serve people best? What's the impact that

1:10:39.600 --> 1:10:41.760
<v Speaker 1>I can have that's the greatest, and what do they

1:10:41.800 --> 1:10:45.479
<v Speaker 1>truly want from me? That's different? And that's how we

1:10:45.520 --> 1:10:48.600
<v Speaker 1>started the Genius Community, which was my membership app that

1:10:48.680 --> 1:10:52.240
<v Speaker 1>we launched seven years ago now, and it became the

1:10:52.360 --> 1:10:55.000
<v Speaker 1>pillar because what people wanted they were watching these videos,

1:10:55.040 --> 1:10:57.120
<v Speaker 1>but they were like, Jay, we want weekly access to you.

1:10:57.720 --> 1:10:59.439
<v Speaker 1>We want to hear your ideas, we want to hear

1:10:59.479 --> 1:11:01.799
<v Speaker 1>your insight, we want to almost feel like we're getting

1:11:02.240 --> 1:11:04.960
<v Speaker 1>a workshop from you. Every single week, and so for

1:11:05.040 --> 1:11:08.919
<v Speaker 1>seven years, every single week I gave a private workshop

1:11:08.920 --> 1:11:11.439
<v Speaker 1>to a group of people who subscribed to Genius. That's

1:11:11.479 --> 1:11:14.000
<v Speaker 1>how it started for me. And so what I'm saying

1:11:14.000 --> 1:11:16.200
<v Speaker 1>to you is it starts as a passion, it starts

1:11:16.200 --> 1:11:18.800
<v Speaker 1>as a hobby, and then you figure out what you

1:11:18.840 --> 1:11:21.240
<v Speaker 1>can do for people that they truly want from you

1:11:21.840 --> 1:11:24.720
<v Speaker 1>and that you can serve them differently with, and then

1:11:24.760 --> 1:11:27.439
<v Speaker 1>you build around that. You don't just go I'm going

1:11:27.479 --> 1:11:29.519
<v Speaker 1>to try and build this random thing and I think

1:11:29.560 --> 1:11:31.960
<v Speaker 1>this is what people want and this because what ends

1:11:32.000 --> 1:11:34.560
<v Speaker 1>up happening is you waste time, money and energy. You

1:11:34.880 --> 1:11:36.920
<v Speaker 1>take a moment, take a beat to listen to the

1:11:36.920 --> 1:11:40.719
<v Speaker 1>people you're serving and ask them, speak to them, connect

1:11:40.720 --> 1:11:42.160
<v Speaker 1>with them. I always say to people, if you've got

1:11:42.160 --> 1:11:45.360
<v Speaker 1>a hundred followers, they can share so much with you

1:11:45.439 --> 1:11:47.719
<v Speaker 1>about why they love you and why they follow you.

1:11:47.720 --> 1:11:49.719
<v Speaker 1>You don't need to wait, like Mel was saying earlier,

1:11:49.800 --> 1:11:51.320
<v Speaker 1>you don't need to wait till you have a million

1:11:51.320 --> 1:11:54.599
<v Speaker 1>followers to launch a business. You can have a hundred followers.

1:11:54.640 --> 1:11:57.479
<v Speaker 1>That creates an amazing business for you because you deeply

1:11:57.560 --> 1:12:00.000
<v Speaker 1>understand their need, You serve them, and you take care

1:12:00.320 --> 1:12:02.400
<v Speaker 1>of them, and I think the people that get to

1:12:02.400 --> 1:12:04.240
<v Speaker 1>take care of millions of people who started off as

1:12:04.280 --> 1:12:07.320
<v Speaker 1>people who took care of five and that's where it

1:12:07.360 --> 1:12:11.320
<v Speaker 1>all begins. And so take care of whoever's there, connecting

1:12:11.320 --> 1:12:14.840
<v Speaker 1>and resonating right now and let it flow.

1:12:15.600 --> 1:12:17.360
<v Speaker 2>I would add one other thing because it sounds like

1:12:17.400 --> 1:12:19.479
<v Speaker 2>you kind of know what you want to do. So

1:12:19.920 --> 1:12:22.840
<v Speaker 2>I think the mistake that everybody makes, especially in today's world,

1:12:22.840 --> 1:12:24.719
<v Speaker 2>because we live in the most amazing time. You guys,

1:12:25.160 --> 1:12:29.920
<v Speaker 2>you can legally stalk people. There is somebody doing this

1:12:30.040 --> 1:12:35.200
<v Speaker 2>business somewhere and they have shared the formula. Spend a

1:12:35.280 --> 1:12:38.040
<v Speaker 2>year being a student of it. You better believe. A

1:12:38.120 --> 1:12:40.559
<v Speaker 2>year before I started this podcast, I was all up

1:12:40.600 --> 1:12:43.880
<v Speaker 2>in Jay's Girl. I was watching everything this man was doing.

1:12:43.920 --> 1:12:46.040
<v Speaker 2>That's why I'm like two episodes a week. Jay's doing

1:12:46.040 --> 1:12:48.479
<v Speaker 2>two episodes a week. I'm doing like all the people

1:12:48.520 --> 1:12:50.240
<v Speaker 2>that are at the top are doing a daily episode.

1:12:50.240 --> 1:12:53.800
<v Speaker 2>They're doing two epos. The formula is there, and now

1:12:53.840 --> 1:12:55.680
<v Speaker 2>there's going to be a problem. So give yourself a

1:12:55.720 --> 1:12:57.800
<v Speaker 2>year to be a student of what you want to

1:12:57.840 --> 1:13:01.240
<v Speaker 2>be a master of. Search for formulas. What are people

1:13:01.280 --> 1:13:05.200
<v Speaker 2>doing that are succeeding Jay's wright listen to the people

1:13:05.240 --> 1:13:07.880
<v Speaker 2>that are there and what's missing, and here's gonna be

1:13:07.880 --> 1:13:09.599
<v Speaker 2>the problem. You're gonna literally be like, well, then I'm

1:13:09.600 --> 1:13:13.800
<v Speaker 2>God being Jay. Then I'm doing it like them. Dude,

1:13:13.840 --> 1:13:17.120
<v Speaker 2>You're gonna make it your own because you're your own person.

1:13:18.000 --> 1:13:21.559
<v Speaker 2>But everybody in the history of time basically kind of

1:13:21.600 --> 1:13:24.240
<v Speaker 2>does the same thing. There are no new ideas for

1:13:24.320 --> 1:13:27.559
<v Speaker 2>crying out loud, and so you're literally gonna go but

1:13:27.640 --> 1:13:29.120
<v Speaker 2>they're doing it this way, and I gotta make it

1:13:29.120 --> 1:13:30.479
<v Speaker 2>my way, and it's got to be special, and it's

1:13:30.479 --> 1:13:31.600
<v Speaker 2>got to have a logo, and it's got to do

1:13:31.640 --> 1:13:34.320
<v Speaker 2>all this. And so then you're gonna avoid doing what

1:13:34.360 --> 1:13:40.400
<v Speaker 2>are called the reps, the boring, tedious, annoying things that

1:13:40.520 --> 1:13:43.320
<v Speaker 2>successful people do in the dark. It gets you no

1:13:43.439 --> 1:13:46.639
<v Speaker 2>credit and no money, but that actually builds the business.

1:13:47.120 --> 1:13:49.040
<v Speaker 2>And so if you want to turn a hobby into

1:13:49.040 --> 1:13:52.920
<v Speaker 2>a business, be a student. First search for the formulas.

1:13:53.560 --> 1:13:57.760
<v Speaker 2>Then take another year to actually show up every day

1:13:57.880 --> 1:14:00.439
<v Speaker 2>and put your money where your mouth is and do

1:14:00.560 --> 1:14:04.160
<v Speaker 2>it broke, and do it in the dark while nobody

1:14:04.240 --> 1:14:07.400
<v Speaker 2>cares and is paying attention. And then pay attention to

1:14:07.439 --> 1:14:10.479
<v Speaker 2>the ten people that have shown up because they're your people,

1:14:11.120 --> 1:14:13.840
<v Speaker 2>and if you do that, within two years, you will

1:14:13.840 --> 1:14:16.360
<v Speaker 2>be shocked at what you can create. Shocked.

1:14:16.439 --> 1:14:17.080
<v Speaker 3>I love it.

1:14:20.000 --> 1:14:22.840
<v Speaker 1>Oh my gosh, everyone, I want you to know we

1:14:22.960 --> 1:14:25.680
<v Speaker 1>have got a whole second half in store for you.

1:14:25.760 --> 1:14:28.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna be guiding used with some interactives, go to meditation,

1:14:29.479 --> 1:14:31.719
<v Speaker 1>but Mel has to jump on a flight. She's gonna

1:14:31.720 --> 1:14:32.439
<v Speaker 1>show in New York.

1:14:32.760 --> 1:14:34.640
<v Speaker 3>So I want you to give it up for my friend.

1:14:35.080 --> 1:14:39.560
<v Speaker 2>Now, Robs, get on your love you guys, love you

1:14:39.640 --> 1:14:47.400
<v Speaker 2>who I'm knocking shit over? Jay? I love you, I

1:14:45.720 --> 1:14:54.200
<v Speaker 2>love you, I love you, guys, Gostard, love it. Don't

1:14:54.280 --> 1:14:57.479
<v Speaker 2>go anywhere. The best word's coming next with Jay.

1:14:57.600 --> 1:14:58.800
<v Speaker 1>All Right, I love you best.

1:14:58.920 --> 1:15:03.200
<v Speaker 2>Bye guys, love you a bye guys, Bye bye bye

1:15:03.040 --> 1:15:05.400
<v Speaker 2>bye guys. I say you at my show.

1:15:05.640 --> 1:15:09.120
<v Speaker 1>I see you, yes, Hi, have the best break. I'll

1:15:09.120 --> 1:15:12.120
<v Speaker 1>see you in a few moments. Back here to meditate,

1:15:12.160 --> 1:15:15.639
<v Speaker 1>to grow, to change, have a great moment. I'll see

1:15:15.680 --> 1:15:17.960
<v Speaker 1>you in the second half. Take care everyone. Thank you

1:15:18.080 --> 1:15:21.800
<v Speaker 1>so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it,

1:15:21.880 --> 1:15:26.040
<v Speaker 1>you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort

1:15:26.160 --> 1:15:29.320
<v Speaker 1>is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking

1:15:29.680 --> 1:15:32.400
<v Speaker 1>your hidden potential. If you know you want to be

1:15:32.560 --> 1:15:35.320
<v Speaker 1>more and achieve more this year, go check it out

1:15:35.520 --> 1:15:36.040
<v Speaker 1>right now.

1:15:36.240 --> 1:15:38.920
<v Speaker 5>You set a goal today, you achieve it in six months,

1:15:39.320 --> 1:15:42.160
<v Speaker 5>and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.

1:15:42.360 --> 1:15:43.920
<v Speaker 3>There's no sense of meaning and purpose.

1:15:44.080 --> 1:15:45.800
<v Speaker 5>You sort of expected it, and you would have been

1:15:45.800 --> 1:15:47.240
<v Speaker 5>disappointed if it didn't happen.