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Speaker 1: Hey, it's Jay Schetty, host of On Purpose. On the

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Speaker 1: newest episode of my podcast, we have an extremely special

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Speaker 1: interview with Matthew McConaughey. Matthew opens up in a way

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Speaker 1: you've never heard before. We talk about identity, purpose, failure, risk, relationships,

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Speaker 1: and the parts of his journey he's never shared. If

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Speaker 1: you've ever felt stuck, lost, or in transition, this episode

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Speaker 1: is for you. You won't want to miss this one.

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Speaker 1: Listen to On Purpose with Jayshetty on the iHeartRadio app,

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Speaker 1: Amazon Music, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

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Speaker 2: People pleasing is actually manipulation. You're manipulating people so they

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Speaker 2: like you. I'm not some pushover. I actually want people

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Speaker 2: to like me, so I am willing to manipulate them

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Speaker 2: by staying silent or doing things I don't want to do,

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Speaker 2: or not expressing my boundaries because I, at all costs

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Speaker 2: just want people to like me.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited to be here tonight at the Wang

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Speaker 1: Theater and bossed with one of my dearest, dearest friends, truly,

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Speaker 1: and I want to dive straight in, Mel because You've

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Speaker 1: got so much insight, so much wisdom on this that

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Speaker 1: I've been fortunate enough to benefit from in our friendship.

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Speaker 1: But I want to start by asking you what do

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Speaker 1: you think people are most worried about when it comes

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Speaker 1: to what others think about them?

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Speaker 2: Well, I brought notes because I know Jay asked very

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Speaker 2: tough questions. I think that the thing that we're most

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Speaker 2: worried about is just that people aren't going to like you,

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Speaker 2: that they're going to misunderstand you. That's the thing that

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Speaker 2: we're the most worried about. Because if you didn't care

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Speaker 2: whether or not people liked you, if you didn't care

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Speaker 2: about whether or not people misunderstood you or your intentions,

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Speaker 2: you would just go about your life however the heck

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Speaker 2: you wanted to right and so truly, if you stop

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Speaker 2: and think, like, think about one person in your life,

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Speaker 2: who who that's the person whose opinion you worry about

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Speaker 2: the most. Imagine if you could go about your life

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Speaker 2: and not care if they like you or not, not

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Speaker 2: care if they don't understand you or not. And sometimes

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Speaker 2: people be like, well it's my boss, Okay, there's a

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Speaker 2: lot of bosses out there. If the one that you're

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Speaker 2: working for doesn't like you, there's nothing you can do

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Speaker 2: about it. But you can always leave the job, and

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Speaker 2: so I think that is what's at the heart of it,

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Speaker 2: that we are so desperate to be liked and understood

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Speaker 2: and loved by others that we live in fear that

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Speaker 2: it's not going to happen, and in doing so, we

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Speaker 2: basically live a life where we don't really like ourselves.

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Speaker 1: So well said, So well said, I mean, I think

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Speaker 1: what you're getting at there is so powerful because it's

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Speaker 1: almost like we don't even know what with Kate Belove,

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Speaker 1: what we're worthy of, what we're able to do, because

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Speaker 1: we've constantly lived with that inner critic inside of us.

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Speaker 1: There's the outer critic and the inner critic. Tell me

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Speaker 1: about how we can learn to quiet that inner critic,

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Speaker 1: because sometimes it is your boss, sometimes it is your partner,

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Speaker 1: sometimes it is your mom, But there's that inner critic

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Speaker 1: inside of you that's stifling you even more.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I got to ask you a question first, Should

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Speaker 2: I look at you or everybody out here? Like I

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Speaker 2: don't know where to look because normally when Jay and

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Speaker 2: I are talking and recording a podcast, we don't see

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Speaker 2: you guys. So it's so cool to have you here, like,

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Speaker 2: for real, thank you for showing up.

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Speaker 1: And I think we can. We can look at them.

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Speaker 1: I want to be with all of them, get.

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Speaker 2: Great, because I feel a little distracted, like I'm ignoring

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Speaker 2: you while I'm trying to look at Jay and I

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Speaker 2: want you to like me for god sense, even though

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk about how we have to stop

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Speaker 2: worrying about that. Okay. So the question is about self criticism.

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Speaker 2: So there's a lot to unpack here, okay. And the

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Speaker 2: first thing to understand is that there are two facts

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Speaker 2: that truly amp up self criticism. This is not for me.

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Speaker 2: This is from some of the same experts that you

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Speaker 2: have brought on too on purpose. The more stressed out

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Speaker 2: that you are, the more the self criticism dials up.

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Speaker 2: There's some relationship between you being in kind of fight

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Speaker 2: or flight and your inability to be kinder and more

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Speaker 2: present and compassionate with yourself. So that's number one. If

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Speaker 2: you're experiencing an uptick right now because you feel stressed

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Speaker 2: and overwhelmed, that's to be expected. Second thing, and this

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Speaker 2: is going to blow your frickin mind. Okay, self criticism.

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Speaker 2: This is crazy.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 2: I'm going to try to unpack this because I literally

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Speaker 2: just talk to a psychiatrist today. At Harvard Medical School,

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Speaker 2: who does all this research on body image, and everybody

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Speaker 2: is critical of themselves self. Criticism has really gone through

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Speaker 2: the roof because check this out. We were never supposed

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Speaker 2: to see ourselves. No no, no, no no really really like

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Speaker 2: hang with me for I'm out of here. Yeah, like

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Speaker 2: let's show let's go back one or two human beings.

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Speaker 2: Mirrors back then had all that acid stuff on it,

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Speaker 2: so you couldn't even see yourself. There were no glass buildings,

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Speaker 2: so you didn't see your reflection. If you saw yourself,

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Speaker 2: it was like in the Charles River and it was

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Speaker 2: like kind of moving. And so we're not neurologically, physiologically,

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Speaker 2: emotionally designed to actually see ourselves. And we are designed

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Speaker 2: jay to connect with other people. And so if you're

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Speaker 2: looking at other people, you in a nano second, your

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Speaker 2: brain immediately goes into this like judge mode because you're judging, Okay,

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Speaker 2: is this a person whose energy I vibe with and

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Speaker 2: I kind of want to connect with this person? Or

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Speaker 2: is this a person whose energys off so I kind

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Speaker 2: of want to move away from It happens like that

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Speaker 2: part of your wiring because you're wired to connect with

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Speaker 2: other people, you're not wired to be watching what you're doing.

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Speaker 2: And so what's happened because of zoom, because of FaceTime,

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Speaker 2: because of selfies, because of all the videos that we

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Speaker 2: take of ourselves, we are seeing ourselves at rates that

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Speaker 2: our brains can't compute. And so that same mechanism where

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Speaker 2: your brain looks at other people and sizes people up,

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Speaker 2: is this a person I want to connect with? Is

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Speaker 2: this not you're doing to yourself? And then you add

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Speaker 2: on top of it, Jay, the fact that you're also

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Speaker 2: in unprecedented levels. You guys, we have access to what

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Speaker 2: everybody else is doing, which is just more input. And

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Speaker 2: so what does this create? This creates a scenario for

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Speaker 2: all of us where we are all self critical and

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Speaker 2: we live in a moment of time where you have

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Speaker 2: the real you, like the person you are right now,

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Speaker 2: the person you are, I don't know what size or raises,

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Speaker 2: how tall, how short, whether or not you have an

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Speaker 2: acme breakout, whether your hair is phrase, you are who

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Speaker 2: you are. But then we all have this idealized self

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Speaker 2: that we think we should be and because we're so

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Speaker 2: used to kind of looking at ourselves and assessing ourselves,

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Speaker 2: and our brain's not wired to really be even thinking

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Speaker 2: about how you look or thinking about what you're doing

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Speaker 2: in comparison to other people. You've turned that against yourself,

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Speaker 2: like it's just so sad because we live like you know,

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Speaker 2: and there's this kind of real thin line that you

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Speaker 2: and I can unpack between improving your life and squeezing

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Speaker 2: as much as you can out of this life that

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Speaker 2: you have, really truly allowing yourself to be happier, allowing

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Speaker 2: yourself to have more fun, and relentlessly doing it because

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Speaker 2: you think there's something wrong with you. Do you see

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Speaker 2: the difference? And so when it comes to self criticism,

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Speaker 2: everybody and this is something that we all deal with.

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Speaker 2: It's really important. There's actually four steps that she goes

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Speaker 2: by doctor Ash. Doctor Ash says, there's four steps. Number one,

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Speaker 2: you got to recognize that the self criticism is a

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Speaker 2: function of culture. We live in a world where you

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Speaker 2: see yourself all the time, which makes you more critical

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Speaker 2: of self than generations before us period. So it's not

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Speaker 2: your fault. You're not broken. I actually think you are perfectly,

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Speaker 2: imperfectly beautiful. I do. And even though there are things

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Speaker 2: about yourself that you would like to improve or change,

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Speaker 2: we're going to talk about how to do that while

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Speaker 2: you're actually still kind and accepting of yourself. That's the

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Speaker 2: thing to do here. And so number one, you're not

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Speaker 2: the problem. The culture's the problem. And another fun fact,

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Speaker 2: you know, if you have a smartphone, it is defaulted

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Speaker 2: to show you a mirror image. You want to know why,

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Speaker 2: because your brain can't actually process what you look like

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Speaker 2: to another human being. Kid you not if you go

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Speaker 2: into your phone and change the setting on your smartphone

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Speaker 2: to have the camera actually reflect the way that people

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Speaker 2: see you versus what you see back in a mirror,

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Speaker 2: your brain will be like, what is that?

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Speaker 1: What is that?

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Speaker 2: I'm not used to seeing that, I'm used to seeing

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Speaker 2: this reflected image. And so number one, you're not the problem.

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Speaker 2: You are perfectly, imperfectly beautiful as you are. Period number two,

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Speaker 2: in order to move your life forward in self criticism,

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Speaker 2: you actually have to look backwards. This is super important, everybody,

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Speaker 2: because you were not born hating yourself. You were not

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Speaker 2: born thinking you're ugly or stupid or dumb or any

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Speaker 2: of that stuff. And I know that you've had doctor

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Speaker 2: Paul Conti from Stanford on. I know that you've had

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Speaker 2: a lot of the amazing experts that talk about how

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Speaker 2: somebody else taught you to hate on yourself, that's what happened.

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Speaker 2: And the experts basically say that it typically happens between

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Speaker 2: the ages of twelve and eighteen, because once you hit twelve,

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Speaker 2: your parents are basically freaks and you don't want anything

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Speaker 2: to do with them. And the social priority in terms

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Speaker 2: of development is I got a bond with my friends,

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Speaker 2: So now it becomes a real priority to actually be

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Speaker 2: connected to people your age. Here's the problem. This comes

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Speaker 2: from doctor Judith Joseph Columbia University. She her research shows

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Speaker 2: that if you're kind of in that age rage and

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Speaker 2: a kid's like, you're fat, you're ugly, what's over that acne?

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Speaker 2: You know, you're a little short, or you walk into

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Speaker 2: a school or the only person with brown skin and

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Speaker 2: you're among a sea of other white kids and people

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Speaker 2: are picking on you, or you just don't feel like

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Speaker 2: you belong. That sort of experience to your brain feels

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Speaker 2: like physical pain. Yes, and so you were not born

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Speaker 2: beating yourself up. Somebody taught you to, and that's an

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Speaker 2: important thing to understand. And if you every one of

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Speaker 2: you can probably kind of close your eyes and think

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Speaker 2: back to when did I think I was ugly? When

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Speaker 2: did I start telling myself I wasn't smart enough? When

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Speaker 2: did I think my height was a problem or my

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Speaker 2: complexion or the freckles or the you know meat wings

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Speaker 2: that I call them, you know, my my things that

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Speaker 2: no matter how many king what are these tricep things

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Speaker 2: I do? It does it's not working. I don't care

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Speaker 2: how much creatine crap I eat and the supplements I'm

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Speaker 2: popping not working.

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Speaker 4: Day.

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Speaker 2: You got to go backward before you can go forward,

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Speaker 2: because it's important for you to truly get You're not

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Speaker 2: born doing this. You were taught to. And here's the

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Speaker 2: good news. If somebody taught you to beat yourself up,

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Speaker 2: you can unlearn it. You can unlearn it, right, you can.

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Speaker 2: So then the third thing, and you guys are not

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Speaker 2: gonna like this either because it sounds cheeseball right. A

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Speaker 2: lot of the great advice out there is like, oh God,

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Speaker 2: eye roll, seriously, do you have to meditate again? Sorry? Jay?

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Speaker 2: This comes from doctor Ash, she's been in the Harvard

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Speaker 2: Medical School system for twenty years. In a clinical practice,

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Speaker 2: you have to come up with a what's called meaningful mantra.

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Speaker 2: It's just something that you can say to yourself that's kind.

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Speaker 2: And this is where I'm gonna go to my notes,

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Speaker 2: because we have some I've got some notes here. So

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Speaker 2: doctor Ethan Cross from University of Michigan his recommendation, and

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Speaker 2: he's an expert on negative self talking criticism is talk

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Speaker 2: to yourself like a friend, meaning use your name, use

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Speaker 2: your name. And it sounds kind of weird, but if

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Speaker 2: I am kind of feeling negative about something, instead of going, well,

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Speaker 2: you know, I always screw things up, you say mel,

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Speaker 2: you don't always screw things up. And when you say

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Speaker 2: your name, it sort of snaps you out of that

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Speaker 2: loop of criticizing yourself. Huge second thing that you can

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Speaker 2: do doctor Jim Dodie. He's a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon

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Speaker 2: from Stanford who studies manifesting. And if you really want

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Speaker 2: to start to practice a new way of talking to yourself,

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Speaker 2: because again you can program your mind to think different

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Speaker 2: things than what these idiots from your past taught you

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Speaker 2: to say to yourself. And so number one, you want

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Speaker 2: to write down what you want to say, and it

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Speaker 2: could just be something as like I'm doing the best

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Speaker 2: I can. I deserve encouragement I'm gonna do my best

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Speaker 2: to be kinder to myself. You can just write down

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Speaker 2: something like that, then you read it, then you say

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Speaker 2: it out loud, and then you close your eyes, and

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Speaker 2: it's important to be calm in order for the coding

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Speaker 2: to take hold. According to doctor Dotie, you just visualize

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Speaker 2: yourself literally acting like that, and these are ways that

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Speaker 2: you can once you recognize you're not the problem. The

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Speaker 2: culture is. Second piece is you didn't you weren't born

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Speaker 2: doing this. Somebody taught you, so we're gonna unlearn it.

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Speaker 2: Third is I'm actually gonna take time because it matters

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Speaker 2: how I talk to myself. Like if I followed you

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Speaker 2: around when I was in a really bad mood like

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Speaker 2: I do with Chris. I don't know if Roddy does

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Speaker 2: this with you, but I'm like follow him around like

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Speaker 2: a shadow. Why is this happening? Why's that happening? You

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Speaker 2: know you really screwed that up. I don't do that anymore.

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Speaker 2: I used to do that. Proud to say that, But

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Speaker 2: if you followed yourself around, I'm not good enough. Things

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Speaker 2: never work out for me. It's never going to happen.

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Speaker 2: I'm so stupid, Like, no, wonder you don't feel great,

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Speaker 2: no wonder, you're not motivated. So you got to actually

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Speaker 2: train yourself to say different things you have to And

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Speaker 2: because you've been doing this for decades, do not expect

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Speaker 2: it to take one week. Don't be like, Okay, I

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Speaker 2: said that thing that Melon Jay said, it's not working. Okay,

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Speaker 2: like you got to give it time. And the final thing,

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Speaker 2: and this is the piece of advice everybody hates from

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Speaker 2: doctor Ash, which is you have to stop waiting to

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Speaker 2: live your life if you are self critical. Seriously, this

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Speaker 2: is so important. Think about this. If you're the kind

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Speaker 2: of person that's like, Okay, I'm going to lose some

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Speaker 2: weight before I go to a gym, I'm going to

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Speaker 2: clear up my acne before I go on a date.

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Speaker 2: Let me just put on a pound of makeup and

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Speaker 2: a seventy three step morning like facial routine before I'll

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Speaker 2: be in the photo. All of the things you're waiting

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Speaker 2: to do, whether it's go to the beach, or it's

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Speaker 2: put yourself out there or speak up more at work,

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Speaker 2: or it's being in the front of the photo instead

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Speaker 2: of the back of the photo. All of those things

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Speaker 2: you're waiting to do until you either look a certain way,

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Speaker 2: or have achieved a certain thing, or you've made a

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Speaker 2: certain amount of money, all of those things that you're

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Speaker 2: waiting on. The days that you wait, you are saying

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Speaker 2: to yourself, I am not good enough for my own

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Speaker 2: standards to live the life that I deserve. Just stop

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Speaker 2: and really think about that. Like, Jay's not stopping you

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Speaker 2: from doing it, I'm not stopping Nobody in this room

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Speaker 2: is stopping you from doing anything. You are holding yourself

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Speaker 2: back from truly enjoying all that your life has to

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Speaker 2: offer you now because you believe, at some future date

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Speaker 2: there's an idealized version of you that will be ready

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Speaker 2: or more deserving of the things that are available to you. Now,

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Speaker 2: stop it. Stop it. You prove it's true, but you

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Speaker 2: prove the self criticism wrong when you're like, all right,

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Speaker 2: I got weight to lose. That's the point of the gym.

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Speaker 2: So I'm going to go in and I'm going to

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Speaker 2: do it now because I deserve to take care of

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Speaker 2: myself regardless of how I may be feeling about where

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Speaker 2: I'm at in my life. That's how you do it.

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Speaker 2: I know it's a long winded answer.

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Speaker 1: I'm sorry, guy's not playing around. That was as Wow,

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Speaker 1: we've already had a master class from your mouth. Let's

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Speaker 1: uh okay, we're gone. See, guys, there's so much to

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Speaker 1: unpacking what you said, and I want to start with

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Speaker 1: the first point you made, because what was really interesting

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Speaker 1: is during my three years in the monastery, I actually

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Speaker 1: experienced what it felt like to not see my reflection

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Speaker 1: unless I was on the streets and out of the monastery,

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Speaker 1: because in the monastery there are no mirrors.

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Speaker 2: Well, they don't want you to see what your head

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Speaker 2: looks like.

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Speaker 3: They don't want you to.

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Speaker 1: See what you look like with a shaved Their trust me.

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Speaker 1: It's not pretty, but it's true, like you don't see

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Speaker 1: your reflection because that's scene as a way of becoming

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Speaker 1: self obsessed through the teachings of humility and detachment. And

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Speaker 1: I realized what that felt like that when I left

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Speaker 1: three years later, I hadn't thought about my physical self.

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Speaker 1: And here's something really interesting about having done that for

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Speaker 1: that long. You actually start to realize how much more

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Speaker 1: there is to you than just your physical self. You

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Speaker 1: actually get to explore your mental and emotional capacity and

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Speaker 1: ability and potential because you're not bound by just thinking

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Speaker 1: this is all I am.

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Speaker 2: Dude, can we just stop and cover on that for

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Speaker 2: a minute, like for real? We are so obsessed with

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Speaker 2: the physical that I don't even know that I've considered that.

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Speaker 2: Probably ninety nine percent of my experience of life for

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Speaker 2: probably the first fifty five years of my life was

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Speaker 2: all the physical. What do you look like? What do

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Speaker 2: you feel like like? What do I got out there?

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Speaker 2: What can people measure? What are the things that are

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Speaker 2: around me? What's the outfit, what's the makeup, what's the hairstyle,

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Speaker 2: what's all that stuff? And there's a whole actual life

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Speaker 2: that is inside of you that is waiting to open up,

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Speaker 2: and we've all been so distracted by the crap on

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Speaker 2: the outside that we've forgotten what it feels like and

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Speaker 2: what's possible when you truly tap into the thing that's

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Speaker 2: deeper than the skin and the hair and the face

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Speaker 2: and everything that you're complaining about.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, there's an inner universe that we haven't begun to explore.

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Speaker 3: And that's why I love what you shared.

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Speaker 1: It resonates so strongly with me because, as Mel was saying,

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Speaker 1: we've all been on that zoom screen and we're not

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Speaker 1: even looking at the other right, You're just staring in

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Speaker 1: the bottom corner, and everyone's staring in their bottom corner,

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Speaker 1: and so no one's looking at the slide deck that

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Speaker 1: everyone's pretending to talk about, and all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: we've we're distracted again from that very physical sense. And

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Speaker 1: one thing you were saying that really resonated with me

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Speaker 1: that I think a lot of us do this because

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Speaker 1: we get lost in this feeling of trying to shape

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Speaker 1: shift and trying to mold and then people please. So

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Speaker 1: when we get lost in that loop, we're now trying

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Speaker 1: to manipulate and maneuver ourselves. We're trying to self correct

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Speaker 1: and self fix and self critique in order to be

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Speaker 1: a somewhat not even good enough for ourselves, hoping that

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Speaker 1: someone else is gonna say we're good enough. What does

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Speaker 1: someone do in the audience right now, who knows that

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Speaker 1: they're just constantly trying to people please, They're constantly trying

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Speaker 1: to self correct, self critique to be good for someone else.

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Speaker 1: What's a barrier or a habit or a boundary that

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Speaker 1: they should start with in order to break this cycle?

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Speaker 3: To interrupt this patent?

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Speaker 2: Okay, so there's two things I want to say about this.

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Speaker 2: We got a bunch of are the people pleasers in here?

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Speaker 2: Nobody wants to raise her hand like not me, okay great, but.

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Speaker 1: They're trying to please you, so they going right raise

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Speaker 1: their hands.

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Speaker 2: Damn it. This changed my life because I used to

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Speaker 2: wear the people pleasing badge like an honor. Well, I'm

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Speaker 2: a people pleaser. I'll lay down in front of a

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Speaker 2: truck to help somebody. The first thing I want you

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Speaker 2: to do is I want you to understand that people

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Speaker 2: pleasing is actually manipulation.

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Speaker 3: Whoa you?

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Speaker 2: Right? People pleaser sounds like, oh I'm weak. I's off

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Speaker 2: like I'm a people pleaser. No, you're you're a manipulator.

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Speaker 2: Let me, let me and I own this. This is

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Speaker 2: going to snap you out of this because we kind

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Speaker 2: of soften into the label and then we pretend we're weak. No,

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Speaker 2: you're manipulating people so they like you. This is a strategy.

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Speaker 2: Thank you, Thank you for receiving that. But doesn't it

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Speaker 2: feel like a little screwed up and empowering when you're like,

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Speaker 2: oh wait a minute, I'm not some pushover. I actually

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Speaker 2: want people to like me, so I am willing to

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Speaker 2: manipulate them by staying silent or doing things I don't

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Speaker 2: want to do or not expressing my boundaries because I,

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Speaker 2: at all costs just want people to like me. There

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Speaker 2: is nothing soft and weak about that at all. And

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Speaker 2: when you look at it that way and you see

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Speaker 2: it for what it is, it is a strategy to

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Speaker 2: manipulate other people into liking you. That's what it is.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 2: And for me that kind of wake up call because

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00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:51,760
Speaker 2: that word people please are it kind of feels like

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Speaker 2: trying to like hug an octopus, you know, like you

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Speaker 2: can't quite get your arms around it. It's very loose.

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Speaker 2: But when I was like, whoa, wait, a minut in it,

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Speaker 2: I learn this as a behavior to achieve something. There's

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Speaker 2: nothing weak about that at all. So that's number one.

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Speaker 2: I invite you to just play around with that because

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Speaker 2: you can then go oh there I go again. I'm

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Speaker 2: doing that thing where I'm not telling the truth, or

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Speaker 2: I'm saying yes when I meant no, or I'm like

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Speaker 2: just not bringing this up because I'd rather they like

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Speaker 2: me and I want to manipulate the situation. That's the

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Speaker 2: kind of person that I am. And so that's number one.

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Speaker 2: Number two is it creeps up on you. So it's

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00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,680
Speaker 2: so sneaky because it works like if you're a big

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Speaker 2: you know, if you're a person that just wants everybody

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Speaker 2: to like you, you're a big yes person, and then

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Speaker 2: of course you're angry at everybody for you saying yes, right,

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Speaker 2: you know, you'll take care of everybody else, and then

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Speaker 2: bitch about the fact that you have no time for yourself.

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Speaker 2: You know, like it's like and so, but here's the thing.

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Speaker 2: You don't see it yet, and so there is. There's

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Speaker 2: this incredible person that came on. I want to get

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Speaker 2: her name right. It was doctor doctor Laction. She's an

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Speaker 2: expert on boundaries, and she said the darnedest thing. She said,

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Speaker 2: here's how you can start to get a hold of this,

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Speaker 2: because you don't realize how sneaky it is. You have

417
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:22,080
Speaker 2: to create a pause, like think about creating a little

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Speaker 2: bit of a space between you and the world. And

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Speaker 2: I'm going to give you an example. Let's say you're

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Speaker 2: a teacher, or you're a nurse, or you have a

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Speaker 2: job where you're like, go go, go, go, go, go go,

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Speaker 2: and it's one of those jobs where you almost never

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Speaker 2: even have time to go to the bathroom. You literally

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00:23:40,760 --> 00:23:44,000
Speaker 2: do not eat lunch when you're hungry, You couldn't possibly

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00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:45,919
Speaker 2: take a quick break because then you're going to get

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Speaker 2: in trouble. Everybody needs you. This is another thing with

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Speaker 2: people pleasing. It's how you feel important because if you're needed,

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Speaker 2: then it gives you a sense of purpose. We're on

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Speaker 2: the on Purpose podcast, and so one of the things

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Speaker 2: that she said, which is kind of sneaky, is the

431
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:04,520
Speaker 2: best way to start to separate yourself from the strategy

432
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:09,640
Speaker 2: Jay is to pay attention to what your body needs.

433
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 2: Do you need to go to the bathroom, Do you

434
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,159
Speaker 2: need to eat something right now? Do you need to

435
00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:19,320
Speaker 2: step away from your computer and just take a ten

436
00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 2: minute walk outside, And notice how often when you're thirsty,

437
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,919
Speaker 2: or you got to go to the bathroom, or you know,

438
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:28,919
Speaker 2: you're sitting in class and you're like, I'm kind of hungry,

439
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,199
Speaker 2: but I don't want to make a sound, you know,

440
00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:32,560
Speaker 2: and pull this thing out of my bed, or I

441
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,000
Speaker 2: don't want to get up in the middle of this

442
00:24:34,119 --> 00:24:37,439
Speaker 2: meeting and excuse myself because I want people to like

443
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:43,520
Speaker 2: me and respect me. Start to notice where you have

444
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,840
Speaker 2: no actual separation from the world around you and your

445
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,760
Speaker 2: need to just push yourself through it and be liked

446
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,080
Speaker 2: by everybody and not make any waves and not do

447
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,879
Speaker 2: this and make sure that nothing that is your need

448
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:02,640
Speaker 2: creates somebody having an opinion about you. And so eat

449
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 2: when you're hungry at work, take a break and go

450
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,879
Speaker 2: the bathroom when you realize you need to, instead of

451
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,200
Speaker 2: holding it because you don't want to leave the meeting

452
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:15,000
Speaker 2: or you don't want to get out of class. If

453
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 2: you are burnt out and overwhelmed, go up to your

454
00:25:19,359 --> 00:25:22,359
Speaker 2: manager and say I need a ten minute break. And

455
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,960
Speaker 2: what you're going to notice is how often you're unwilling

456
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 2: to take care of your own basic needs because you're

457
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:33,159
Speaker 2: worried about what people are going to think if you do.

458
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,879
Speaker 2: And so that is a way to just start to

459
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,959
Speaker 2: separate yourself. Because when you're a manipulator like that, like

460
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,240
Speaker 2: I used to be, it is so in your DNA,

461
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,240
Speaker 2: you know. So you'll order a cup of coffee and

462
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:48,639
Speaker 2: they'll get it wrong and be like, oh no, no, you

463
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,840
Speaker 2: don't need to fix it. I'd ordered the Chibe, but

464
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,400
Speaker 2: I'll take the expresso triple shot thing, No problem, no problem,

465
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,480
Speaker 2: I got it. I'm easy, okay. And then you walk

466
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,359
Speaker 2: out and you're like, damn it. They always get it

467
00:25:59,400 --> 00:25:59,919
Speaker 2: wrong in there.

468
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,480
Speaker 3: Do you know why I love that?

469
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:06,600
Speaker 1: I absolutely love that now because it's so interesting how

470
00:26:07,880 --> 00:26:12,240
Speaker 1: our bodies always know what they need, right. You don't

471
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:16,120
Speaker 1: have to think about becoming hungry. Your body just tells you.

472
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,040
Speaker 1: You don't have to think about being thirsty. Your body

473
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:21,439
Speaker 1: tells you you don't need to think about sleep. Your

474
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 1: body tells you when it's tired. And it's so interesting

475
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 1: why we struggle today. I'm realizing this literally by talking

476
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:31,679
Speaker 1: to you right now. We struggle with sleep today, we

477
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,600
Speaker 1: struggle with eating today. We struggle with all of these

478
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:37,920
Speaker 1: things today because of what you just said, because we've

479
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:40,479
Speaker 1: ignored the body, yes, and we're trying to figure it

480
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,280
Speaker 1: all out in our mind when the body's been telling

481
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,600
Speaker 1: us and guiding us all along. So this lack of

482
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 1: alignment that we have between the mind and the body,

483
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: but the body saying do this, do this, do this,

484
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:51,440
Speaker 1: and the mind.

485
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:52,240
Speaker 3: Saying I can't. I can't.

486
00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,760
Speaker 1: I can't because so and so will say that, so

487
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,879
Speaker 1: and so will think that that lack of alignment is

488
00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,719
Speaker 1: what makes it so hard to go to sleep when

489
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:00,080
Speaker 1: you want.

490
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,200
Speaker 2: To correct like how many of us stay awake and

491
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 2: we're like, okay, I'll watch and have their episode with

492
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:04,960
Speaker 2: you when you don't want to.

493
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 1: Oh, in my case, Robie falls asleep just when we

494
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,480
Speaker 1: figured out what we were.

495
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:12,960
Speaker 3: Going to watch.

496
00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,080
Speaker 1: Yes, and now I'm sitting there going on, I have

497
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:16,480
Speaker 1: to wait for you to watch this time.

498
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,720
Speaker 2: No you don't, No, you don't.

499
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 1: I end up doing like and so.

500
00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:22,480
Speaker 2: But this is really important because it sounds like a

501
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,000
Speaker 2: dumb suggestion, but it makes a lot of sense because

502
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 2: how on earth are you going to be able to

503
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,880
Speaker 2: start putting yourself first and drawing bigger boundaries. No, I'm

504
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:36,159
Speaker 2: not coming home from the holidays. No I am not

505
00:27:36,359 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 2: going to take that weekend shift, even though you need

506
00:27:39,119 --> 00:27:42,639
Speaker 2: help at work, I have plans. If you can't start

507
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:46,719
Speaker 2: to pay attention to the basic needs because you, you know,

508
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,760
Speaker 2: want to please your partner and make sure they're not

509
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 2: upset with you in the morning, so you're gonna sit

510
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,680
Speaker 2: up late even though you don't want to, then you're

511
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,840
Speaker 2: never going to be able to draw bigger boundaries when

512
00:27:57,840 --> 00:28:00,639
Speaker 2: it feels like the stakes are even higher. And so

513
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,280
Speaker 2: what I love about this pause is it's a way

514
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:07,600
Speaker 2: to start to interrupt your own behavior so you can

515
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:12,159
Speaker 2: notice how insidious it is, like how it's everywhere that

516
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,400
Speaker 2: you literally will trip over yourself and stomp on your

517
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,320
Speaker 2: own head as long as people aren't mad at you,

518
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,400
Speaker 2: or they're not disappointed, or you're not going to get

519
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,560
Speaker 2: in trouble, or they're still going to like you, and

520
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,880
Speaker 2: then it's just exhausting. And so I loved that advice.

521
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's hard to do. We all want to feel better,

522
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,760
Speaker 1: to have more energy and more focus throughout the day.

523
00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: That's why I co founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenet drink

524
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:48,480
Speaker 1: made with powerful ingredients like ashwagandha and Lion's maine. It's

525
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,640
Speaker 1: designed to boost your mood, support your focus, and give

526
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:56,160
Speaker 1: you natural energy, all without the crash. A new classic reimagined.

527
00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:00,239
Speaker 1: We're so excited to officially launch a new lemonade iced

528
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: tea flavor. When we created Juny, my goal was simple.

529
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:05,960
Speaker 1: I wanted to make drinks that help you feel balanced

530
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:09,960
Speaker 1: and energized without compromise. Our upgraded take on the classic

531
00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:14,640
Speaker 1: Arnold Palmer is crisp, refreshing and crafted with adaptagens to

532
00:29:14,680 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 1: support energy, focus and mood, all with zero sugar. Be

533
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:22,120
Speaker 1: among the first to try it. Available exclusively at drinkjuni

534
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,120
Speaker 1: dot com, where you can use the code on Purpose

535
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:29,560
Speaker 1: twenty for twenty percent off your first order. Cheers to

536
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 1: your daily mood boost. As I'm listening to you, I'm

537
00:29:40,720 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: just thinking about this. I'm thinking, if I'm even lucky

538
00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 1: enough to make someone not mad at me, even if

539
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:51,400
Speaker 1: I'm lucky enough to pull that off, I'm probably going

540
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:54,120
Speaker 1: to go to bed mad at myself. And even if

541
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:58,080
Speaker 1: I'm lucky enough to convince someone to like me, I'm

542
00:29:58,080 --> 00:30:00,000
Speaker 1: probably going to go to bed disliking myself.

543
00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 2: Hm hmm.

544
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:02,960
Speaker 1: And if someone convinced me to say yes when I

545
00:30:02,960 --> 00:30:05,440
Speaker 1: wanted to say no, I'm going to go to bed

546
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:08,560
Speaker 1: feeling like I betrayed myself. And so it's a really

547
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:11,120
Speaker 1: fascinating feeling that we have where like we're trying to

548
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:14,760
Speaker 1: win in the outside world, being okay to lose in

549
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 1: the inside world, and that inside world is what we

550
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,640
Speaker 1: live in all day. That's what we're actually seeing through,

551
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 1: living through, breathing through. It's the lens that everything happens through.

552
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:29,520
Speaker 1: I'm like, when I look at your journey, mal and

553
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,840
Speaker 1: I love the year you're having. I love I just

554
00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:34,480
Speaker 1: want to give mel her flowers because she's just phenomenal,

555
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,960
Speaker 1: Like she has worked like I've known Mal. I think

556
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,440
Speaker 1: me and Mel have known each other now for like

557
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:44,960
Speaker 1: i'd say, like seven years, maybe even a bit longer. Yes,

558
00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 1: And Mel works so hard. She has been crushing for

559
00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 1: so many years. She has put in work and time

560
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: and energy and effort out for years. And I'm saying

561
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:01,320
Speaker 1: that as a friend, as an admired, as a colleague,

562
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 1: I have seen this human only want to help people

563
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:08,360
Speaker 1: for years and years and years and help millions of people.

564
00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,360
Speaker 1: And when I look at the transformations you've had from

565
00:31:11,400 --> 00:31:14,560
Speaker 1: being a lawyer to being a talk show host, to

566
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:19,640
Speaker 1: becoming one of the biggest public speakers in the country

567
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:22,720
Speaker 1: and the world, to go on to write multiple best

568
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,960
Speaker 1: selling books, to go on to have the number one

569
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 1: podcast in the world, to go on to just conquer

570
00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:30,560
Speaker 1: all of these different fields, what.

571
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:34,080
Speaker 2: Are you talking about? I am as surprised as you are.

572
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 3: I'm not surprised.

573
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: What I'm saying is what I love about you is that,

574
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 1: whether there has been external validation or not in different levels,

575
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:50,800
Speaker 1: in all of these years, you have kept going, You've

576
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 1: kept pivoting, and you've kept giving. And that to me

577
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:56,600
Speaker 1: is the sign that you're fueled by something deeper.

578
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:57,320
Speaker 3: And I know that.

579
00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:00,880
Speaker 1: And the question I have for you is you've pivoted

580
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:04,240
Speaker 1: so many times in your career, and I'm assuming that

581
00:32:04,280 --> 00:32:06,160
Speaker 1: there are people out there in this audience today who

582
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:09,080
Speaker 1: are like jam in this pivot right now, like I'm

583
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:11,560
Speaker 1: trying to build my side hustle. I want to quit

584
00:32:11,640 --> 00:32:14,080
Speaker 1: my job. I want to build this passion. I really

585
00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:16,560
Speaker 1: want to continue my job, but I want to start writing.

586
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 1: I want to blog. I want to launch a podcast.

587
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,840
Speaker 1: Right there's people have so many visions and dreams. How

588
00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 1: did you get the courage to let go and move

589
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:31,880
Speaker 1: on multiple times when it's so hard to let go

590
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:36,080
Speaker 1: of something that feels certain, stable and safe. How did

591
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:40,480
Speaker 1: you choose uncertainty and unsafety when we all crave safety.

592
00:32:40,720 --> 00:32:43,719
Speaker 2: I think courage is the wrong word. I would use

593
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:44,680
Speaker 2: the word desperation.

594
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 3: Haha.

595
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,000
Speaker 2: No, I mean it. I mean it, you guys, Like,

596
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:52,600
Speaker 2: I don't know what it is about my personality, but

597
00:32:53,280 --> 00:33:00,320
Speaker 2: I have like negative energy that propols me forward. I'm

598
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 2: being that serious, you guys, because courage sounds like this

599
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,040
Speaker 2: big thing, and I know there's no courage without fear.

600
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,520
Speaker 2: But the truth is, I hated my life when I

601
00:33:08,560 --> 00:33:10,920
Speaker 2: was a lawyer. I mean I would literally take the

602
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:14,800
Speaker 2: freaking commuter rail in it felt like a death sentence.

603
00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 2: And then you march from South Station up to High

604
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,560
Speaker 2: Street and then you get in the elevator and I

605
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,120
Speaker 2: would contemplate, why is there no floor thirteen?

606
00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:23,440
Speaker 1: Oh?

607
00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:25,960
Speaker 2: I know, because it's an unlucky building, And then I

608
00:33:25,960 --> 00:33:29,160
Speaker 2: would get in there and I would literally do the

609
00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:34,760
Speaker 2: bare minimum jay because I hated my life. And at

610
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,680
Speaker 2: some point you will get to a point where you go,

611
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 2: my life doesn't work for me, like it might have

612
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:49,880
Speaker 2: worked last year, but it's not working now. And you

613
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:53,400
Speaker 2: will tolerate that, and you'll tolerate it for years. Some

614
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:56,760
Speaker 2: of you will tolerate it for decades. And there's a

615
00:33:56,800 --> 00:34:03,840
Speaker 2: certain amount of negative energy wired in me in order

616
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:08,720
Speaker 2: to organize enough of what they call the intrinsic drive

617
00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:13,200
Speaker 2: to get over your own excuses and fears and bs

618
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:17,200
Speaker 2: and actually do the thing. And so to me, like

619
00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,759
Speaker 2: every pivot you guys, was either because like I had

620
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:21,920
Speaker 2: to put gas in the tank and food on the table.

621
00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 2: I got fired from three different jobs. I mean, it

622
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,920
Speaker 2: sounds fancy to say I was a talk show host,

623
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 2: but the show sucked, they got canceled, and I don't care.

624
00:34:32,800 --> 00:34:34,879
Speaker 2: I don't have a problem saying it. I tried it.

625
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:39,040
Speaker 2: I won because I tried, And at some point you're

626
00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 2: going to understand something. You're either going to spend your

627
00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 2: life watching other people do the things you want to do,

628
00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:51,040
Speaker 2: and then you're going to end up on your deathbed

629
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:59,480
Speaker 2: and go, wow, I really blew it. I didn't push

630
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:04,480
Speaker 2: myself through all of those fears and those excuses when

631
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,960
Speaker 2: I could have. I really regret how I spent the

632
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:11,280
Speaker 2: time that I had. So you're either going to spend

633
00:35:11,320 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 2: your life watching other people do the things that you

634
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:15,959
Speaker 2: want to do and then spend a lot of time

635
00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:18,560
Speaker 2: making up excuses, well they're this or they're that, and

636
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:21,200
Speaker 2: it may be true. There are people in this world

637
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,840
Speaker 2: that have unfair advantages. There are people that are starting

638
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:25,560
Speaker 2: at a different starting line than you are. There are

639
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,560
Speaker 2: people that are handed a lot of money, there are

640
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:31,320
Speaker 2: people that aren't. But you got to at some point

641
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,239
Speaker 2: wake up and realize you got what you got. That's

642
00:35:34,280 --> 00:35:38,160
Speaker 2: what you got. You got the cards that have been

643
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 2: dealt to you are the ones that you have to play,

644
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:43,239
Speaker 2: and so you can waste your life and your time

645
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:45,680
Speaker 2: bitching about where you're at and being jealous of your friends,

646
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:49,600
Speaker 2: which I did for decades, or you will get to

647
00:35:49,640 --> 00:35:53,200
Speaker 2: a point where you are so sick of yourself and

648
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:56,320
Speaker 2: you're sick of being miserable that you actually do something

649
00:35:56,640 --> 00:36:00,799
Speaker 2: because the cost of staying where you are is so

650
00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:05,600
Speaker 2: much more painful than moving toward the thing you've been avoiding.

651
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:09,560
Speaker 2: And so for me, whether the organizing principle Jay, was

652
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:13,560
Speaker 2: I got bills to pay or recognizing nobody is coming

653
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:15,560
Speaker 2: to fix this and I can either blame this all

654
00:36:15,560 --> 00:36:18,120
Speaker 2: on my husband or wish you know he was in finance.

655
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:20,359
Speaker 2: I have this funny story where you know, I see

656
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:22,640
Speaker 2: a friend's kitchen, right, Yeah, I don't know. Have you

657
00:36:22,680 --> 00:36:23,960
Speaker 2: guys ever had that experience in life?

658
00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:24,239
Speaker 1: Jay?

659
00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:25,359
Speaker 2: I don't know if you have, But have you ever

660
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 2: head that experience where people in your life that you're

661
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 2: doing life with all of a sudden it's like they

662
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:36,399
Speaker 2: move to the next town or a nicer building, and

663
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:41,600
Speaker 2: you're like, how did they have this much money? And

664
00:36:41,640 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 2: then you go to their house, right, and they open

665
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:49,520
Speaker 2: up the door and you're happy for your friend like

666
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,200
Speaker 2: you are. They've worked hard, they deserve this, and they

667
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 2: give you the glass of wine or the you know,

668
00:36:54,160 --> 00:37:00,640
Speaker 2: juny and you have that expression, and you're like and

669
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:05,279
Speaker 2: you're trying really nice and have for that, and you're

670
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 2: like gripping the can so much it's gonna start to spill.

671
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 2: And as they give you the tour, Jay, it's like

672
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:19,480
Speaker 2: one restoration hardware display after the other. And then they

673
00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:23,640
Speaker 2: show you the kitchen and you're like, she's got white cabinets.

674
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:28,439
Speaker 2: That's my and dress more the white, that's what to take.

675
00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 2: And then if you're an immature, negative, people pleasing manipulator

676
00:37:35,239 --> 00:37:39,000
Speaker 2: like I am Jay, and you have no idea how

677
00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:43,400
Speaker 2: to process your emotions like a mature adult, the second

678
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:47,040
Speaker 2: you get in the car, you turn to your spouse

679
00:37:47,239 --> 00:37:49,719
Speaker 2: like I did, and you're like, why couldn't you be

680
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:54,040
Speaker 2: in finance? Why do you care of people?

681
00:37:58,840 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 1: You know?

682
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,920
Speaker 2: And poor chrisp or Chris literally is like a turtle

683
00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 2: in the car. He's like, I don't know why I'm

684
00:38:05,239 --> 00:38:10,520
Speaker 2: not in finandia it would have made life easier. And

685
00:38:10,600 --> 00:38:13,239
Speaker 2: so you know, for years I would see what other

686
00:38:13,239 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 2: people had and I would be jealous. And the cool

687
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,160
Speaker 2: thing about jealousy, like, let's just talk about the cool

688
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 2: thing about jealousy. You can't be jealous of something you

689
00:38:20,719 --> 00:38:26,920
Speaker 2: don't want. Just think about that. You can't be jealous

690
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:27,759
Speaker 2: of something you.

691
00:38:27,719 --> 00:38:30,080
Speaker 1: Don't want be jealous about it.

692
00:38:30,280 --> 00:38:32,840
Speaker 2: I'm not jealous of anybody that lives in the fanciest

693
00:38:32,840 --> 00:38:36,239
Speaker 2: penthouse in Dubai. I don't want to live there. No

694
00:38:36,280 --> 00:38:39,200
Speaker 2: offense to Dubai. It's fantastic, that's wonderful for you. That

695
00:38:39,239 --> 00:38:42,680
Speaker 2: does not make me jealous. White kitchen cabinets with the

696
00:38:42,719 --> 00:38:46,480
Speaker 2: marble counters. That's what I got. But so there's something

697
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:51,439
Speaker 2: in that, like the pull of it. And what I'm

698
00:38:51,520 --> 00:38:57,280
Speaker 2: going to tell you is jealousy is you blocking what's

699
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:01,800
Speaker 2: meant for you with your insecurity. Jealousy comes up because

700
00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:05,400
Speaker 2: it's a messenger and it's trying to get your attention.

701
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 2: While you've been sitting there wasting hours and hours and

702
00:39:08,120 --> 00:39:11,040
Speaker 2: hours on Pinterest and blaming everything on your parents and

703
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:14,400
Speaker 2: the person you're dating or married to, you could have

704
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:18,760
Speaker 2: gotten to work and just figured out how to create

705
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,960
Speaker 2: what you wanted. Like I spent years thinking that my

706
00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:26,440
Speaker 2: happiness and our finances was Chris's responsibility. Wow, Like, if

707
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:29,560
Speaker 2: there's things if I want in my life, I'm capable

708
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 2: of paying for them. I'm capable of like getting clear

709
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,439
Speaker 2: about what I want and then just go to chat

710
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,480
Speaker 2: GTP and be like, this is what I'd like. I

711
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:40,880
Speaker 2: got a year, what do I do every day for

712
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:43,360
Speaker 2: thirty minutes? And honest to God, chat gtp's going to

713
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,839
Speaker 2: spit out a plan for you, and then you're gonna

714
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:47,520
Speaker 2: be like line like this, it's not gonna work for me.

715
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:48,719
Speaker 2: That would work for Jay, but it's not going to

716
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,040
Speaker 2: work for me, and then you're not going to do it.

717
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:53,480
Speaker 2: And so I just got to the point at so

718
00:39:53,640 --> 00:39:55,279
Speaker 2: many times, like I got some like why did I

719
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:57,400
Speaker 2: start a podcast because I was jealous of one of

720
00:39:57,400 --> 00:40:00,920
Speaker 2: my close friends, Jay Shetty. I swear to God, I

721
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:05,200
Speaker 2: literally be like that, Oh it's a god ham or

722
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:08,680
Speaker 2: him meditation shit, Like what like he's he started it

723
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:13,040
Speaker 2: before I could. Damn Jay, Damn damn Oh Jam so

724
00:40:13,120 --> 00:40:17,680
Speaker 2: happy for you with the podcast. And then you got

725
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:20,680
Speaker 2: to say, well, what's underneath the jealousy. There's something that

726
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:25,600
Speaker 2: my friend is doing and he's leading the way. And

727
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,000
Speaker 2: if I can get my negative ass out of the way,

728
00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 2: I can actually see that there's something that he's doing

729
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:37,719
Speaker 2: that's inspiring me. He's not taking anything from me, he's

730
00:40:37,760 --> 00:40:44,520
Speaker 2: giving something to me. Everybody, yes, everybody in your life

731
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:49,040
Speaker 2: that you are jealous of is giving you something. You know,

732
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,920
Speaker 2: I think about life Jay, as we're all on this

733
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:58,000
Speaker 2: giant walk together. That's what we're doing. And there are

734
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:01,280
Speaker 2: going to be times in your life where you're ahead

735
00:41:01,960 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 2: of other people because your example can help other people.

736
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,600
Speaker 2: Our friend ed Molette says that you're best equipped to

737
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:13,279
Speaker 2: help the person you used to be. If you've ever

738
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 2: had a kid that you know has had learning disabilities

739
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:18,319
Speaker 2: and you've had to go through the IEP process, you

740
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:22,120
Speaker 2: are on a walk with the entire world, and that

741
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:26,000
Speaker 2: experience equips you to help somebody who has not gone

742
00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:28,480
Speaker 2: through that. And then there are going to be times

743
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:33,239
Speaker 2: where you're behind and everybody in this room could teach

744
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:37,760
Speaker 2: you something if you're willing to go through your life

745
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 2: with open arms and an open mind and even see

746
00:41:40,719 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 2: the things that you're jealous of. And like, why am

747
00:41:44,040 --> 00:41:45,759
Speaker 2: I on tour? Because he went on one? Like I'm

748
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 2: just such a copycat, it's unbelievable. Like, Damn, I'm jealous

749
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,720
Speaker 2: Jay's going on tour. Okay, that's a sign there's something

750
00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,600
Speaker 2: that he's doing. Oh, I know what it is. He's

751
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,120
Speaker 2: actually with the people that listen to the podcast. I

752
00:41:56,239 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 2: want that because I miss you, guys, like I like

753
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,319
Speaker 2: I'm alone Garage and Vermont for crying out loud like

754
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,840
Speaker 2: I need people.

755
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 3: Oh well, I mean.

756
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,680
Speaker 2: I need I need another drink? Can I have yours?

757
00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:13,480
Speaker 2: Of course, since I spilled myne you didn't, I would

758
00:42:13,520 --> 00:42:13,960
Speaker 2: have thrown it.

759
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:16,040
Speaker 1: I'm not sure you spilled it as much as you

760
00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:22,680
Speaker 1: destroyed it. But but uh, the person you're jealous of

761
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:27,760
Speaker 1: is not taking anything from you, but is giving something

762
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:30,919
Speaker 1: to you. I want everyone to write that down. Mel

763
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:35,000
Speaker 1: just said that. Write it down. That is the single

764
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:38,440
Speaker 1: best advice I've ever heard in my entire life on

765
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: overcoming jealousy and envy. Really, that is not because because

766
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:44,920
Speaker 1: you constantly think someone's taking up your space, taking up

767
00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:48,920
Speaker 1: your opportunities, taking up every single access point, taking up

768
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:51,560
Speaker 1: the network. You think that, and because you think that,

769
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:54,320
Speaker 1: you think there's no space left for you. It's so

770
00:42:54,440 --> 00:42:56,799
Speaker 1: you think there's only a finite number of seats, and

771
00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:59,120
Speaker 1: so if someone else taking all those seats, then there's

772
00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:02,800
Speaker 1: no seat for me. That is the single best advice.

773
00:43:02,880 --> 00:43:06,560
Speaker 1: For give them a round applause as insane. Single best advice.

774
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:10,520
Speaker 2: Well, I'm gonna say, Jay, is if you could text

775
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,239
Speaker 2: that to me because being menopausal, I will forget that.

776
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:15,359
Speaker 2: The second thing to you, and.

777
00:43:15,280 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 1: Everyone else will tag us. Everyone else will tag us

778
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:20,759
Speaker 1: and put it out melt. Because you've been on the

779
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,520
Speaker 1: podcast I think two or three times. This might be

780
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:25,480
Speaker 1: the third or fourth. We're not going to do the

781
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,600
Speaker 1: final five with you. Before we take some questions. I

782
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:29,880
Speaker 1: want to do a new game that we invented for

783
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:31,920
Speaker 1: the stage, and you get to be involved as well.

784
00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:36,359
Speaker 1: It's called it's called Vibe Check. And there are these

785
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:38,320
Speaker 1: two paddles I'm gonna give you. One says it's a

786
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:41,040
Speaker 1: vibe and the other one says not a vibe. I'm

787
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:42,960
Speaker 1: gonna ask you, guys what you think first. The melth

788
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:44,759
Speaker 1: is gonna tell us the truth. So I want to

789
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 1: hear you do your best rendition. You can do better

790
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 1: than that. Brilliant. I love it. I'm going to hand

791
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:55,080
Speaker 1: these to mouth.

792
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,000
Speaker 2: Okay, I want to make sure I understand this because

793
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:57,799
Speaker 2: I want you to like me.

794
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:01,319
Speaker 1: I'm gonna read I'm going to know it's like not

795
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:03,360
Speaker 1: in yeah, and this means it's in correct.

796
00:44:03,360 --> 00:44:05,120
Speaker 2: I red green, Okay, I get it.

797
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:08,040
Speaker 1: Now, I'm going dotand the one I'm going to read

798
00:44:08,040 --> 00:44:10,440
Speaker 1: you different scenarios, and we're going to get the audience's

799
00:44:10,480 --> 00:44:13,080
Speaker 1: reactions first. Then we're going to get Mel's reaction, then

800
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 1: her explanation of her reactions. Great, all right, So the

801
00:44:16,360 --> 00:44:19,520
Speaker 1: first one, your friend really wants to go to an

802
00:44:19,520 --> 00:44:23,160
Speaker 1: event where they won't know anyone, but you've had a

803
00:44:23,239 --> 00:44:26,640
Speaker 1: really stressful week at work and are drained, So you

804
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:29,719
Speaker 1: say no. Is it a vibe or is it not

805
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:32,040
Speaker 1: a vibe? Say it's a vibe. If it's a vibe,

806
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:38,640
Speaker 1: for those who it's not a vibe, all right, there's

807
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:41,640
Speaker 1: a lot of over to Mel, I'll really again, your

808
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:43,719
Speaker 1: friend really wants you to go to an event where

809
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:46,480
Speaker 1: they won't know anyone, but you had a really stressful

810
00:44:46,480 --> 00:44:49,040
Speaker 1: week at work and are drained, so you say no.

811
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:51,480
Speaker 2: Well, if they want to go to an event where

812
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:54,440
Speaker 2: they don't know anybody, then I better not show up.

813
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:56,880
Speaker 2: Otherwise they know somebody.

814
00:44:58,040 --> 00:45:03,680
Speaker 1: HA good answer, Mel, I like that. That's awesome, all right.

815
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,400
Speaker 1: This time Will asks you to make noise. You decline

816
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,480
Speaker 1: a project at work because you don't feel confident you

817
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:13,520
Speaker 1: can handle it, even though it could have been a

818
00:45:13,560 --> 00:45:16,640
Speaker 1: big career move. Is it a vibe? Make some noise.

819
00:45:18,920 --> 00:45:21,800
Speaker 1: It's not a vibe. It's not a vibe.

820
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:25,480
Speaker 2: Yes, no, yeah, definitely not a vibe. We got successful

821
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:28,919
Speaker 2: people in the audience tonight. You know, you say yes

822
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:32,320
Speaker 2: to that kind of thing you do, you do, Oh.

823
00:45:32,239 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 1: This one's going to be interesting. You're dating someone who

824
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:39,600
Speaker 1: treats you well but doesn't challenge you emotionally or intellectually.

825
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:44,719
Speaker 1: You stay in the relationship because they really take care

826
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:47,240
Speaker 1: of you. Is it a vibe?

827
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:50,240
Speaker 3: It's not a vibe?

828
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:59,480
Speaker 1: No, oh, all right, explain mel you're saying it is.

829
00:45:59,520 --> 00:46:00,239
Speaker 3: They said it's not.

830
00:46:00,680 --> 00:46:03,280
Speaker 2: Well, you know, I think it depends on what you value.

831
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:07,920
Speaker 2: Like literally, you can have a therapist that challenges you emotionally.

832
00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:11,720
Speaker 2: I actually, you know, I say, I've said to my

833
00:46:11,719 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 2: my our kids that you know, I think about the

834
00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:18,600
Speaker 2: person that you're going to create a life with as

835
00:46:18,640 --> 00:46:24,440
Speaker 2: your home base. And so for me, peace is what

836
00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:26,680
Speaker 2: I prioritize. So if you have somebody that takes care

837
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 2: of you, but they're not like challenging you emotionally, I

838
00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:32,839
Speaker 2: don't think the person that you're with has to be

839
00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:37,279
Speaker 2: one hundred percent of everything. And you know, like if

840
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:40,920
Speaker 2: you are, that's different than saying you're you're with somebody

841
00:46:41,000 --> 00:46:45,359
Speaker 2: who just is like the Walking Dead. But what I

842
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:48,440
Speaker 2: heard in that question is a like this thing that

843
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:52,240
Speaker 2: happens in relationships where you constantly think is there's somebody

844
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:56,400
Speaker 2: better out there and you're searching for this sort of

845
00:46:56,520 --> 00:46:59,680
Speaker 2: Frankenstein version of a human being where you take a

846
00:46:59,719 --> 00:47:01,520
Speaker 2: little bit of this and a little bit of that

847
00:47:01,640 --> 00:47:04,880
Speaker 2: and a little bit of this, and you forget that

848
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:08,880
Speaker 2: if you got eighty percent of the things that actually matter,

849
00:47:09,560 --> 00:47:12,359
Speaker 2: you're with somebody who's loyal, who's kind to you, who

850
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:16,600
Speaker 2: cares about you, who is interested in learning. But you know,

851
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:22,399
Speaker 2: anybody can develop skills and becoming more self aware that's

852
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:26,880
Speaker 2: a skill. Becoming more like emotionally aware, that's a skill.

853
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:29,200
Speaker 2: And so I think, you know, one of the big things,

854
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,520
Speaker 2: especially as a mom, that I keep saying to my

855
00:47:31,640 --> 00:47:35,480
Speaker 2: kids is we get so obsessed about the shiny stuff

856
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:37,640
Speaker 2: on the outside, like we've been talking about, that we

857
00:47:38,239 --> 00:47:42,640
Speaker 2: actually don't give enough value to the things that matter

858
00:47:42,800 --> 00:47:45,680
Speaker 2: over the long haul. Yes, because you know, having been

859
00:47:45,719 --> 00:47:48,760
Speaker 2: with Chris for thirty years, I've hated the man at times,

860
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:52,439
Speaker 2: like I literally, And it's about whether or not you're

861
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:55,239
Speaker 2: with somebody that when you come home you're going to

862
00:47:55,239 --> 00:47:58,440
Speaker 2: exhale that when you're going through a hard time, you

863
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:00,799
Speaker 2: know that they're going to be there for you and

864
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 2: that you're going to be there for them. That this

865
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:05,160
Speaker 2: is a person that may not have it all, because

866
00:48:05,200 --> 00:48:07,160
Speaker 2: none of us do, but it's a person that's willing

867
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:10,360
Speaker 2: to grow with you and to try, and so to me,

868
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:12,719
Speaker 2: I think that that's what I heard in that.

869
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:16,879
Speaker 1: I love it. Great answer, great answer. All right, last one.

870
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:21,919
Speaker 1: You guys having fun also, all right, last one, last

871
00:48:21,920 --> 00:48:25,040
Speaker 1: one before we take some questions. Okay, you have a

872
00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:28,640
Speaker 1: close friend who always dates people who are bad for them.

873
00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:30,839
Speaker 3: It can relate, right, all right.

874
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:35,240
Speaker 1: You've said things in the past and they haven't listened.

875
00:48:36,200 --> 00:48:39,960
Speaker 1: You see them making a major mistake again, but you

876
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:45,280
Speaker 1: decide not to say anything this time. Is it a vibe.

877
00:48:47,520 --> 00:48:50,960
Speaker 1: It's a vibe, they're saying, it's a vibe to not

878
00:48:51,000 --> 00:48:53,320
Speaker 1: say anything this time. Already again, you have a close

879
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:55,759
Speaker 1: friend who always dates people are bad for them. You've

880
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,520
Speaker 1: said things in the past and they haven't listened. You

881
00:48:58,560 --> 00:49:01,840
Speaker 1: see them making a major misstake again, but you decide

882
00:49:01,960 --> 00:49:10,160
Speaker 1: not to say anything this time. Oh, disagreement again.

883
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:12,320
Speaker 2: Well, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, because

884
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 2: let them doesn't mean them like everybody loves that. But

885
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:25,520
Speaker 2: there's the let me part, And the reason why they

886
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 2: didn't listen is because you criticize them and you were

887
00:49:29,280 --> 00:49:34,200
Speaker 2: judgmental and you thought you knew better, and so you,

888
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:37,080
Speaker 2: just like I have done in my life, made this

889
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:40,640
Speaker 2: mistake by thinking I know better, I actually pushed somebody

890
00:49:40,640 --> 00:49:43,920
Speaker 2: away from me and right into the arms of that person.

891
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:46,840
Speaker 2: And so I wouldn't say what I had said in

892
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:49,880
Speaker 2: the past, but I might say you don't seem like yourself.

893
00:49:51,680 --> 00:49:54,480
Speaker 2: I might say, have you thought about whether or not

894
00:49:54,520 --> 00:49:57,239
Speaker 2: you're happy, because I want you to be happy, and

895
00:49:57,280 --> 00:49:59,759
Speaker 2: if you're happy in this, I actually want you to

896
00:50:00,239 --> 00:50:03,879
Speaker 2: this person around. And what's going to happen is by

897
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:07,480
Speaker 2: doing that, not judging, you're now stirring up tension. They're

898
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:10,560
Speaker 2: not an idiot. People know when they're with somebody who

899
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:14,200
Speaker 2: treats them like crap. But when we judge and we

900
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:17,400
Speaker 2: think we know better now, we are piling on judgment,

901
00:50:17,400 --> 00:50:20,840
Speaker 2: which makes them feel more trapped and ashamed because they know.

902
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:26,000
Speaker 2: And so you taking an approach that is more of

903
00:50:26,040 --> 00:50:28,200
Speaker 2: the let me side of this, that's like, let me

904
00:50:28,280 --> 00:50:30,319
Speaker 2: be more compassionate, let me just say I want you

905
00:50:30,360 --> 00:50:32,160
Speaker 2: to be happy, and you don't seem happy, and just

906
00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:35,800
Speaker 2: I'm here, and if us all going out to dinner

907
00:50:35,840 --> 00:50:39,440
Speaker 2: together is gonna like bring you closer. I would love

908
00:50:39,480 --> 00:50:40,960
Speaker 2: to go out to dinner with you in this person,

909
00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:45,200
Speaker 2: and then they're gonna have to sit with that. But

910
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:48,600
Speaker 2: that's how you keep somebody closer, and you make it

911
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:51,920
Speaker 2: safe for them to come to you when things get

912
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:53,880
Speaker 2: hard and when they're going to leave, because you know,

913
00:50:54,040 --> 00:50:56,359
Speaker 2: also if this is somebody that has been doing this

914
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,200
Speaker 2: over and over, it's a pattern and this is something

915
00:50:59,239 --> 00:51:02,360
Speaker 2: that they're going to keep heating, and it's going to

916
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:04,920
Speaker 2: take time for them to see that they're worthy. And

917
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:07,399
Speaker 2: so the worst thing you could do is push them

918
00:51:07,440 --> 00:51:09,960
Speaker 2: toward the other person by being judgmental. You want to

919
00:51:10,320 --> 00:51:13,120
Speaker 2: keep them very close, particularly if you're worried about them.

920
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:19,640
Speaker 1: Beautiful Mel, Mel, I love, I love the disagreement in

921
00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:22,239
Speaker 1: the room, but coming to a nice wholesome agreement. We

922
00:51:22,280 --> 00:51:24,920
Speaker 1: wanted to make this night special. The fact that you've

923
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 1: come out for a live taping of the recording. I

924
00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:29,400
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure that we get you involved. And

925
00:51:29,440 --> 00:51:32,520
Speaker 1: so now Mels kindly agreed to Mel, and I would

926
00:51:32,560 --> 00:51:36,000
Speaker 1: love to take your questions. I'm going to have Taylor

927
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:38,520
Speaker 1: from my team coming around. She has a microphone. If

928
00:51:38,560 --> 00:51:41,399
Speaker 1: you have a real, genuine, burning question that you'd wanted

929
00:51:41,440 --> 00:51:43,799
Speaker 1: to ask Mel, something, your opportunity.

930
00:51:43,960 --> 00:51:45,280
Speaker 2: It's going to make j blush.

931
00:51:45,520 --> 00:51:49,000
Speaker 1: Raise your raise your hand, and Taylor will come and

932
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:49,480
Speaker 1: find you.

933
00:51:50,520 --> 00:51:51,160
Speaker 3: This is Taylor.

934
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:53,320
Speaker 1: Everyone makes some noise for Taylor and the brown Blazer.

935
00:51:56,719 --> 00:51:58,640
Speaker 1: Be nice to her, otherwise she won't pick you.

936
00:52:03,400 --> 00:52:05,440
Speaker 2: Hi, everybody, You guys are so good looking.

937
00:52:06,600 --> 00:52:09,960
Speaker 1: Please stand up when you ask your question?

938
00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:11,879
Speaker 3: What's your tell us? Your name? Hey man? How's it going?

939
00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:14,160
Speaker 1: Fantastic ladies and gentlemen.

940
00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:16,919
Speaker 5: I'm such an honor, such an honor to be here

941
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 5: with this Melanjay, Oh my god. Danny Wadwani born and

942
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,880
Speaker 5: raised in Ghana, West Africa, Indian by.

943
00:52:26,760 --> 00:52:35,240
Speaker 6: Origin, being in Boston for twenty years now amazing. Here's

944
00:52:35,280 --> 00:52:41,799
Speaker 6: my question for you, in all that you've shared, in

945
00:52:41,960 --> 00:52:51,479
Speaker 6: all that you've become, when you are envisioning the better Mel,

946
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:57,359
Speaker 6: the male you've envisioned, or the highest truest version of Mel,

947
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:05,000
Speaker 6: where do you go to to tap into that source

948
00:53:05,080 --> 00:53:12,680
Speaker 6: of power, courage and reinforcement to push that male forward

949
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:15,120
Speaker 6: or to capture where that male is trying to go

950
00:53:15,239 --> 00:53:17,360
Speaker 6: because we all have moments where we want.

951
00:53:17,160 --> 00:53:18,440
Speaker 3: To be somewhere.

952
00:53:20,080 --> 00:53:22,840
Speaker 5: Or we think we can get there, but we're doubting,

953
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:29,440
Speaker 5: and so much is going on around us where we

954
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:31,240
Speaker 5: we cannot silence the noise.

955
00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:33,120
Speaker 3: There must be.

956
00:53:33,120 --> 00:53:36,839
Speaker 1: A source of power or a source of.

957
00:53:39,640 --> 00:53:41,640
Speaker 3: People, or a source of.

958
00:53:41,680 --> 00:53:44,239
Speaker 5: Something that people like you and J tap into it

959
00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:48,080
Speaker 5: to say, I can absolutely effin do this. I'm going

960
00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:49,640
Speaker 5: to go from on pourpers to.

961
00:53:50,400 --> 00:53:51,880
Speaker 3: Ju to everyone.

962
00:53:53,880 --> 00:53:59,200
Speaker 1: Thank you great. First question, you want me to take

963
00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:00,320
Speaker 1: a verse to me?

964
00:54:00,600 --> 00:54:03,239
Speaker 2: He said, okay, oh that's right. Well I was going

965
00:54:03,280 --> 00:54:05,799
Speaker 2: to see how you were going to ask whatever you want,

966
00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:09,080
Speaker 2: So I guess I want to I want to approach

967
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:15,839
Speaker 2: this two ways, because what you're actually talking about is

968
00:54:16,480 --> 00:54:24,359
Speaker 2: cultivating a sense of faith in your ability to make

969
00:54:24,400 --> 00:54:28,759
Speaker 2: things turn out without knowing whether or not they do.

970
00:54:30,480 --> 00:54:33,920
Speaker 2: And so there is this thing that I say to

971
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:39,320
Speaker 2: myself when it feels like things are not happening fast enough,

972
00:54:39,480 --> 00:54:41,839
Speaker 2: or oh there's another job I just got fired from,

973
00:54:42,000 --> 00:54:44,960
Speaker 2: or oh there's another bill, like all those moments of

974
00:54:45,000 --> 00:54:47,680
Speaker 2: my life where you know, it's funny, you can define

975
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:50,680
Speaker 2: what you want, but oftentimes you get it, but it's

976
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:55,120
Speaker 2: not how you thought you would, And so I cultivated

977
00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:57,640
Speaker 2: this kind of saying for myself where I would literally

978
00:54:57,680 --> 00:55:00,719
Speaker 2: say to myself, I refuse to believe that this is

979
00:55:00,760 --> 00:55:01,279
Speaker 2: how it ends.

980
00:55:02,680 --> 00:55:03,680
Speaker 1: I love that that.

981
00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:08,680
Speaker 2: I believe that this moment, no matter how sucky it is,

982
00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:12,400
Speaker 2: is preparing me for something in the future that I

983
00:55:12,600 --> 00:55:16,760
Speaker 2: do not know is going to happen. And the reason

984
00:55:16,760 --> 00:55:19,759
Speaker 2: why I know that this works is because each and

985
00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:23,400
Speaker 2: every one of you. You can sit in this moment

986
00:55:23,520 --> 00:55:27,279
Speaker 2: with Jay and Me and everybody here right now, and

987
00:55:27,719 --> 00:55:31,600
Speaker 2: if you look back on your life, you can see

988
00:55:31,640 --> 00:55:35,000
Speaker 2: how everything that happened, good or bad. I'm not saying

989
00:55:35,040 --> 00:55:37,680
Speaker 2: you deserve any of the bad things, but you can

990
00:55:37,719 --> 00:55:43,160
Speaker 2: see how everything that happened led you here right now,

991
00:55:44,120 --> 00:55:47,120
Speaker 2: that every day, every experience right is just a brick

992
00:55:47,239 --> 00:55:50,840
Speaker 2: in the path of life. And if that is true,

993
00:55:50,920 --> 00:55:55,920
Speaker 2: which it is, then it is also true that where

994
00:55:55,960 --> 00:55:58,279
Speaker 2: you are in this moment is also a brick on

995
00:55:58,360 --> 00:56:03,319
Speaker 2: that same path, and it is leading you somewhere. And

996
00:56:03,480 --> 00:56:06,600
Speaker 2: I choose to believe that that somewhere that it's leading

997
00:56:06,920 --> 00:56:10,719
Speaker 2: is way bigger and more amazing and cooler than you

998
00:56:10,760 --> 00:56:17,160
Speaker 2: could possibly imagine. Now. It may be seventeen years before

999
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:22,279
Speaker 2: you look back on this moment and say, that's why

1000
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:24,399
Speaker 2: that happened, Because you know, when I invented the five

1001
00:56:24,520 --> 00:56:26,640
Speaker 2: second role, counting five four three two one to get

1002
00:56:26,680 --> 00:56:28,960
Speaker 2: out of bed when we were eight hundred thousand dollars

1003
00:56:28,960 --> 00:56:32,279
Speaker 2: in debt, it was nineteen miles from here. February two

1004
00:56:32,360 --> 00:56:35,680
Speaker 2: thousand and eight, Tuesday morning. One decision changed my life.

1005
00:56:36,360 --> 00:56:39,360
Speaker 2: I had no idea in that moment that that little

1006
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:42,400
Speaker 2: countdown thing would be the brick that would lead me

1007
00:56:42,480 --> 00:56:45,799
Speaker 2: all the way here. I'll share another story. I for

1008
00:56:45,960 --> 00:56:49,440
Speaker 2: years would watch people that wrote books and had podcasts

1009
00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,759
Speaker 2: and all this stuff be asked to be interviewed by

1010
00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:54,560
Speaker 2: Oprah Winfrey, and I would always sit there going, why

1011
00:56:54,600 --> 00:56:57,000
Speaker 2: am I not getting asked? And then I would say

1012
00:56:57,000 --> 00:57:00,600
Speaker 2: to myself, one of these days, it's going to happen

1013
00:57:00,680 --> 00:57:03,720
Speaker 2: one of these that you have. If it hasn't happened yet,

1014
00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:09,200
Speaker 2: here's another one, it's because it's not meant to happen now.

1015
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,760
Speaker 2: And so when Jay acknowledged me for all the crazy

1016
00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:18,760
Speaker 2: stuff that's been going on this year, it occurred to me, Oh,

1017
00:57:19,440 --> 00:57:23,120
Speaker 2: that's why it didn't happen then, because I was being

1018
00:57:23,200 --> 00:57:27,200
Speaker 2: held for a different moment you are being held for

1019
00:57:27,320 --> 00:57:32,080
Speaker 2: a different moment and cultivating that faith in yourself that

1020
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:34,960
Speaker 2: you have the capacity to keep going, that there are

1021
00:57:35,040 --> 00:57:37,800
Speaker 2: lessons that you still need, that there is some bigger

1022
00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:40,720
Speaker 2: possibility in the future that is waiting for you, which

1023
00:57:40,760 --> 00:57:44,440
Speaker 2: is why it's not happening now. And there's that famous

1024
00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:46,000
Speaker 2: I think. I don't know if it was jay Z

1025
00:57:46,120 --> 00:57:50,120
Speaker 2: that set up, but literally the genius thing that both

1026
00:57:50,240 --> 00:57:52,840
Speaker 2: Jay and I have done is we just don't quit.

1027
00:57:54,160 --> 00:57:59,280
Speaker 2: We don't quit it. And I do think you have

1028
00:57:59,400 --> 00:58:05,960
Speaker 2: to outlast yourself because you're the one who's gonna quit.

1029
00:58:07,120 --> 00:58:10,680
Speaker 2: You're not against Jay or me, it's you against you.

1030
00:58:11,520 --> 00:58:14,040
Speaker 2: And so when I think of the I can't remember

1031
00:58:14,040 --> 00:58:16,560
Speaker 2: the word that you use to describe like the version

1032
00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:19,959
Speaker 2: of me, the version of me that I think about

1033
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:22,280
Speaker 2: as somebody who reminds herself all the time, no matter

1034
00:58:22,280 --> 00:58:24,680
Speaker 2: what's going on. Now, I choose to believe this is

1035
00:58:24,720 --> 00:58:27,280
Speaker 2: in service of something that I can't even imagine that's

1036
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:31,240
Speaker 2: going to happen, and I trust that at some point

1037
00:58:31,280 --> 00:58:34,080
Speaker 2: I'll know. And my job now is not to doubt,

1038
00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:37,240
Speaker 2: it is to just keep going.

1039
00:58:48,440 --> 00:58:50,760
Speaker 1: We all want to feel better, to have more energy

1040
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:53,720
Speaker 1: and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co

1041
00:58:53,800 --> 00:58:58,440
Speaker 1: founded Juni, a sparkling adaptagenate drink made with powerful ingredients

1042
00:58:58,600 --> 00:59:03,040
Speaker 1: like ushwagandha and it's designed to boost your mood, support

1043
00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,960
Speaker 1: your focus, and give you natural energy, all without the crash.

1044
00:59:07,160 --> 00:59:10,480
Speaker 1: Get your daily mood boost with Juni at Whole Foods

1045
00:59:10,520 --> 00:59:14,000
Speaker 1: Market or head to Drinkjuni dot com to find a

1046
00:59:14,080 --> 00:59:25,760
Speaker 1: store near you. I remember one of my monk teachers

1047
00:59:25,840 --> 00:59:30,200
Speaker 1: used to say to me, if there's something you desire

1048
00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:34,360
Speaker 1: and it hasn't manifested yet, because of three things. One

1049
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:38,840
Speaker 1: is the universe and God saying not right now. The

1050
00:59:38,920 --> 00:59:44,520
Speaker 1: second is not like this, and the third is I've

1051
00:59:44,520 --> 00:59:46,040
Speaker 1: got something better planned.

1052
00:59:46,920 --> 00:59:47,720
Speaker 2: Well like that one.

1053
00:59:47,800 --> 00:59:52,120
Speaker 1: And I have seen that in my own life, and

1054
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:53,200
Speaker 1: I think that's what Mel saying.

1055
00:59:53,200 --> 00:59:54,640
Speaker 3: And that's why it made me think.

1056
00:59:54,480 --> 00:59:59,640
Speaker 1: That I always used to believe that my imagination was

1057
00:59:59,720 --> 01:00:03,520
Speaker 1: big and beautiful, only to realize that the universe, in

1058
01:00:03,560 --> 01:00:09,280
Speaker 1: God's imagination was far, far greater than anything I could

1059
01:00:09,320 --> 01:00:14,880
Speaker 1: imagine for myself. And it's that trust, in that moment

1060
01:00:15,000 --> 01:00:17,960
Speaker 1: when you think your imagination is better than God's in

1061
01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:21,640
Speaker 1: the universes, it's in that moment when you're not getting it.

1062
01:00:22,280 --> 01:00:25,560
Speaker 1: That you have to live what Mel's saying in that

1063
01:00:25,760 --> 01:00:28,000
Speaker 1: I refuse to believe it ends like this. I love

1064
01:00:28,120 --> 01:00:31,600
Speaker 1: that statement and another one that I love for myself

1065
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:33,320
Speaker 1: that I've always said, and it comes back to the

1066
01:00:33,360 --> 01:00:35,360
Speaker 1: same advice that Mel was giving earlier. We all need

1067
01:00:35,440 --> 01:00:39,000
Speaker 1: montras to keep us going. Mine has always been this

1068
01:00:39,160 --> 01:00:42,800
Speaker 1: only makes the story better. Every time I get rejected,

1069
01:00:42,880 --> 01:00:46,000
Speaker 1: I've just collected something that makes the story better when

1070
01:00:46,000 --> 01:00:47,840
Speaker 1: I get to tell it, and when I tell my

1071
01:00:47,920 --> 01:00:51,200
Speaker 1: story in five, ten, fifteen years time, this moment just

1072
01:00:51,240 --> 01:00:54,440
Speaker 1: made that story better because everyone I respect and everyone

1073
01:00:54,480 --> 01:00:57,480
Speaker 1: I look up to has had that same story. If

1074
01:00:57,480 --> 01:01:00,680
Speaker 1: you're failing, you're having the same story is the person

1075
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:03,880
Speaker 1: who's successful. If you're losing, you having the same story

1076
01:01:03,880 --> 01:01:07,080
Speaker 1: as the person who's winning. Now, if you're losing right now,

1077
01:01:07,120 --> 01:01:08,919
Speaker 1: you're having the same story as the person who wins

1078
01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:09,560
Speaker 1: in ten years.

1079
01:01:09,680 --> 01:01:10,760
Speaker 3: That's what they did too.

1080
01:01:11,520 --> 01:01:13,919
Speaker 1: They didn't win their first championship, they didn't win their

1081
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:16,680
Speaker 1: first league. It didn't work that way, and so this

1082
01:01:16,760 --> 01:01:19,480
Speaker 1: only makes the story better. But this only makes the

1083
01:01:19,520 --> 01:01:20,080
Speaker 1: story better.

1084
01:01:20,320 --> 01:01:24,240
Speaker 3: So so good, and that helps Taylor. Where are you? Taylor?

1085
01:01:24,720 --> 01:01:29,360
Speaker 1: Taylor's over there. Who you're handing the mic to Hello,

1086
01:01:29,480 --> 01:01:30,080
Speaker 1: what's your name?

1087
01:01:30,160 --> 01:01:31,880
Speaker 4: Hello, My name is Tara from Boston.

1088
01:01:32,040 --> 01:01:34,040
Speaker 3: Tara's nice to me. Thanks for being here.

1089
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:34,880
Speaker 2: Thank you so much.

1090
01:01:34,920 --> 01:01:36,919
Speaker 4: You have been part of my life for many years.

1091
01:01:36,920 --> 01:01:40,520
Speaker 2: You have no idea, so thank you. I have a question.

1092
01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:41,400
Speaker 3: It's for both of you.

1093
01:01:43,280 --> 01:01:45,120
Speaker 2: How can you lacko of guilt.

1094
01:01:44,960 --> 01:01:48,000
Speaker 4: Or compassion from those who have caused you the most pain?

1095
01:01:48,400 --> 01:01:51,440
Speaker 4: Feeling bad or like wanting to help the people that

1096
01:01:51,480 --> 01:01:54,840
Speaker 4: have hurt you. I'm going to be very honest because

1097
01:01:54,840 --> 01:01:56,800
Speaker 4: that's just who I am. I think a lot of

1098
01:01:56,840 --> 01:02:03,040
Speaker 4: my you know, my family unfortunately has hurt me in ways.

1099
01:02:03,200 --> 01:02:06,080
Speaker 4: So I'm just trying to find as I get older,

1100
01:02:06,480 --> 01:02:08,120
Speaker 4: you know, how do I let go of that guilt?

1101
01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:09,960
Speaker 4: I want to give them compassion.

1102
01:02:10,040 --> 01:02:13,560
Speaker 2: But then I'm like, oh, well, I think you have

1103
01:02:13,600 --> 01:02:16,360
Speaker 2: to ask yourself, how is the way that you're doing

1104
01:02:16,400 --> 01:02:20,600
Speaker 2: it now helping you? Is it working?

1105
01:02:24,080 --> 01:02:26,520
Speaker 4: I have I don't know, I don't I don't really know.

1106
01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:32,920
Speaker 2: This is the only thing that has helped me. And

1107
01:02:33,160 --> 01:02:36,720
Speaker 2: I relate to the question, and I don't know anything

1108
01:02:36,760 --> 01:02:40,800
Speaker 2: about your background, so I don't want to presume like anything,

1109
01:02:41,520 --> 01:02:46,160
Speaker 2: but you are not responsible for what was done to you.

1110
01:02:47,200 --> 01:02:54,560
Speaker 2: But you are responsible for what you do next, and

1111
01:02:55,560 --> 01:03:03,760
Speaker 2: I choose to believe that beings basically families. Well, first

1112
01:03:03,760 --> 01:03:05,240
Speaker 2: of all, you know, families teach you how to love

1113
01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:09,880
Speaker 2: people you hate. That's why they have families. Second, you know,

1114
01:03:09,920 --> 01:03:12,280
Speaker 2: we've had expert after expert, but chan I come on

1115
01:03:12,600 --> 01:03:17,040
Speaker 2: and ironically we've dropped an episode today about emotionally immature parents.

1116
01:03:18,440 --> 01:03:20,439
Speaker 2: People can only give you what they have to give.

1117
01:03:21,360 --> 01:03:24,440
Speaker 2: This does not excuse abuse. This does not mean that

1118
01:03:24,480 --> 01:03:28,600
Speaker 2: you didn't deserve to have family or past experiences where

1119
01:03:28,600 --> 01:03:31,040
Speaker 2: you felt seen and taken care of and love for

1120
01:03:31,080 --> 01:03:35,120
Speaker 2: who you are and support it. But for me really

1121
01:03:35,160 --> 01:03:38,360
Speaker 2: being able to separate myself from the hurt that was

1122
01:03:38,440 --> 01:03:42,960
Speaker 2: caused and look through it with steely cold eyes and

1123
01:03:43,080 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 2: basically go, you know, if it wasn't given to your parents,

1124
01:03:47,640 --> 01:03:52,400
Speaker 2: they can't give it to you. And I have chosen

1125
01:03:52,480 --> 01:03:56,600
Speaker 2: to stop punishing people who did the best that they

1126
01:03:56,680 --> 01:04:00,520
Speaker 2: could with the situation they were in, the trauma that

1127
01:04:00,600 --> 01:04:04,880
Speaker 2: they had their own life experiences, because I don't like

1128
01:04:05,000 --> 01:04:09,680
Speaker 2: carrying around that judgment and hate. I don't like constantly

1129
01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:13,320
Speaker 2: living in the past. It is so much easier and

1130
01:04:13,600 --> 01:04:18,240
Speaker 2: freeing to basically look through the eyes of compassion and

1131
01:04:18,280 --> 01:04:23,520
Speaker 2: say I deserved more, and I see fully you were

1132
01:04:23,640 --> 01:04:29,480
Speaker 2: not equipped to give me what I deserve. And as

1133
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:35,000
Speaker 2: long as I hold judgment over what happened, I am

1134
01:04:35,160 --> 01:04:39,280
Speaker 2: still in the past. I am still suffering. You know,

1135
01:04:39,320 --> 01:04:41,680
Speaker 2: there was this analogy. I think it's TD Jakes and

1136
01:04:41,760 --> 01:04:46,320
Speaker 2: Oprah Winfrey, and I believe the context is that he

1137
01:04:46,520 --> 01:04:50,640
Speaker 2: was counseling her about her relationship with her mother, and

1138
01:04:50,680 --> 01:04:54,120
Speaker 2: he basically said, in life, there are people who have

1139
01:04:54,200 --> 01:04:57,960
Speaker 2: a quarter cup capacity. That's what they got. They got

1140
01:04:57,960 --> 01:05:01,280
Speaker 2: a quarter cup of love and a ten and patience

1141
01:05:01,280 --> 01:05:04,040
Speaker 2: to give. And then there are those of us, probably

1142
01:05:04,080 --> 01:05:07,400
Speaker 2: most of us in the room, that have a gallon need.

1143
01:05:08,480 --> 01:05:10,800
Speaker 2: If somebody only has a quarter cup to give you

1144
01:05:10,840 --> 01:05:13,640
Speaker 2: and they have poured all of that into a person

1145
01:05:13,680 --> 01:05:18,360
Speaker 2: who has a gallon need, we will not feel satiated,

1146
01:05:18,400 --> 01:05:23,480
Speaker 2: seen or taken care of. Ever, there's this massive mismatch,

1147
01:05:24,640 --> 01:05:28,000
Speaker 2: and no amount of judgment, no amount of anything, is

1148
01:05:28,040 --> 01:05:30,680
Speaker 2: going to change the fact that they are who they are.

1149
01:05:31,360 --> 01:05:34,040
Speaker 2: This is what happened. But you get to choose what

1150
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:38,600
Speaker 2: happens next. And for me, learning to say this person

1151
01:05:38,720 --> 01:05:43,120
Speaker 2: is who they are, let them be who they are Now,

1152
01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:45,280
Speaker 2: I get to choose how much time do I put

1153
01:05:45,320 --> 01:05:48,240
Speaker 2: into this, how much energy do I want to look

1154
01:05:48,920 --> 01:05:52,320
Speaker 2: and see and understand what they went through so that

1155
01:05:52,360 --> 01:05:55,280
Speaker 2: I feel more compassion. And it's not as personal as

1156
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:59,520
Speaker 2: it feels. It's a tricky thing to do, and it's

1157
01:05:59,560 --> 01:06:02,080
Speaker 2: a lifelong process because they're going to continue to trigger

1158
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:04,880
Speaker 2: the hell out of you because they are who they are.

1159
01:06:05,360 --> 01:06:09,080
Speaker 2: But you get to choose how much time and energy

1160
01:06:09,120 --> 01:06:11,800
Speaker 2: you put into it. You get to choose what kind

1161
01:06:11,840 --> 01:06:15,400
Speaker 2: of relationship you want to create or not with the

1162
01:06:15,440 --> 01:06:17,920
Speaker 2: people that hurt you in the past, and that's where

1163
01:06:17,960 --> 01:06:18,640
Speaker 2: your power is.

1164
01:06:26,640 --> 01:06:30,640
Speaker 1: Tarah, I'll just say I love everything else said, and

1165
01:06:31,240 --> 01:06:36,160
Speaker 1: the only thing I'll add is if you want to

1166
01:06:36,160 --> 01:06:40,640
Speaker 1: feel compassion for anyone that hurt you, it starts with

1167
01:06:41,360 --> 01:06:51,280
Speaker 1: first being compassionate to yourself and allowing yourself the opportunity

1168
01:06:51,280 --> 01:06:56,400
Speaker 1: to feel angry, to feel betrayed, to feel hurt. Then

1169
01:06:56,440 --> 01:07:01,000
Speaker 1: you'll rise to maybe wanting to feel distant, maybe not

1170
01:07:01,040 --> 01:07:04,120
Speaker 1: wanting to be involved, and then me and me, one

1171
01:07:04,200 --> 01:07:09,120
Speaker 1: day you'll desire to feel compassionate, truly in a deep way.

1172
01:07:10,000 --> 01:07:13,640
Speaker 1: Compassion's at the top of the ladder. It's not the

1173
01:07:13,680 --> 01:07:17,480
Speaker 1: first step. And when you want to feel it. On

1174
01:07:17,600 --> 01:07:21,959
Speaker 1: day one, it almost stops you from taking the first

1175
01:07:21,960 --> 01:07:24,200
Speaker 1: step on the ladder. So the first step on the

1176
01:07:24,280 --> 01:07:27,680
Speaker 1: ladder is anger, you're on the first step, and the

1177
01:07:27,720 --> 01:07:31,160
Speaker 1: fifth step is I don't want anything to do with them,

1178
01:07:31,400 --> 01:07:36,040
Speaker 1: and then the tenth step is I see why they

1179
01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:37,000
Speaker 1: treated me that way.

1180
01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:41,800
Speaker 2: I get it, and then you're free.

1181
01:07:41,880 --> 01:07:53,040
Speaker 3: Thanks, thank you? All right, Taylor? Are you picking next? Hey?

1182
01:07:53,080 --> 01:07:53,880
Speaker 3: Tell us your name.

1183
01:07:55,000 --> 01:07:55,160
Speaker 2: Hi.

1184
01:07:55,280 --> 01:07:58,600
Speaker 7: I'm Andrew Giankin Terry and I'm the co founder of

1185
01:07:58,600 --> 01:08:02,080
Speaker 7: the Whiny Guiny and I want to understand how you

1186
01:08:02,200 --> 01:08:07,000
Speaker 7: took hobbies and turn them into businesses to drive your

1187
01:08:07,080 --> 01:08:08,040
Speaker 7: message forward.

1188
01:08:09,120 --> 01:08:11,240
Speaker 3: It's a great question. Do you want to go first?

1189
01:08:11,240 --> 01:08:14,200
Speaker 2: Man? Sure, because I want to know all your secrets

1190
01:08:14,240 --> 01:08:16,519
Speaker 2: so I can copy.

1191
01:08:19,080 --> 01:08:22,720
Speaker 1: The reason why I loved that question is because, at

1192
01:08:22,800 --> 01:08:27,479
Speaker 1: least for me, I never believed this would ever be

1193
01:08:27,640 --> 01:08:31,479
Speaker 1: my livelihood when I left the monastery, and I knew

1194
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:34,479
Speaker 1: I just wanted to spread the wisdom i'd learned. I

1195
01:08:34,640 --> 01:08:39,000
Speaker 1: was happy and satisfied doing it on evenings and weekends.

1196
01:08:39,640 --> 01:08:43,240
Speaker 1: So I would put together events of five to ten people.

1197
01:08:43,280 --> 01:08:46,920
Speaker 1: If they'd show up in the heart of London and

1198
01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:49,800
Speaker 1: talk to five to ten people, I'll do it for free.

1199
01:08:49,840 --> 01:08:51,960
Speaker 1: There was no social media, there was no video, nothing

1200
01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:55,360
Speaker 1: was recorded, there was no content because I just got

1201
01:08:55,360 --> 01:08:58,680
Speaker 1: to do what I was passionate about. And when I

1202
01:08:58,720 --> 01:09:01,439
Speaker 1: started to do that with no pressure. By the way,

1203
01:09:02,080 --> 01:09:04,360
Speaker 1: when I did that, there was no pressure because I

1204
01:09:04,400 --> 01:09:06,679
Speaker 1: didn't need a thousand people in the audience. I didn't

1205
01:09:06,720 --> 01:09:10,919
Speaker 1: need a million views, I didn't need one hundred thousand followers.

1206
01:09:10,960 --> 01:09:15,400
Speaker 1: I could just be present. I then felt to myself, well,

1207
01:09:15,439 --> 01:09:17,320
Speaker 1: I want to share this with more people. Maybe I

1208
01:09:17,360 --> 01:09:22,000
Speaker 1: should put a video out. Maybe that will reach more people. Again,

1209
01:09:22,680 --> 01:09:24,479
Speaker 1: that was the last thing I wanted to do at

1210
01:09:24,479 --> 01:09:26,880
Speaker 1: the time, but I'll tell you a bit about my

1211
01:09:26,920 --> 01:09:30,760
Speaker 1: story in the second half. And so I put that out.

1212
01:09:30,920 --> 01:09:32,639
Speaker 1: And then what happened is I got to a point

1213
01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:35,360
Speaker 1: in my life where I had two hundred million views

1214
01:09:35,880 --> 01:09:38,920
Speaker 1: on my videos, but I was four months away from

1215
01:09:38,960 --> 01:09:43,599
Speaker 1: being broke, and I had this really interesting reflection. I thought,

1216
01:09:43,640 --> 01:09:46,160
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I'm trying to teach the world abundance

1217
01:09:47,840 --> 01:09:51,759
Speaker 1: and I'm trying to help the world live their purpose

1218
01:09:51,840 --> 01:09:55,920
Speaker 1: and their passion. But I don't know if I can

1219
01:09:55,960 --> 01:09:58,759
Speaker 1: even do this for longer than the next three months,

1220
01:09:58,800 --> 01:10:02,639
Speaker 1: because I can't even put food on the table through it.

1221
01:10:02,760 --> 01:10:07,639
Speaker 2: Cee J. It's not courage at all. Listen everybody, it's

1222
01:10:07,680 --> 01:10:08,560
Speaker 2: got a problem.

1223
01:10:08,760 --> 01:10:11,840
Speaker 1: It's got a problem to solve. And so I realized

1224
01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:14,880
Speaker 1: what I had to do first of all. But the

1225
01:10:14,920 --> 01:10:16,880
Speaker 1: reason is when you start with thinking you want to

1226
01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:19,320
Speaker 1: build a business, it's really hard because that's where you

1227
01:10:19,320 --> 01:10:20,960
Speaker 1: don't get to fail, you don't get to try, you

1228
01:10:21,000 --> 01:10:23,639
Speaker 1: don't get to choose, you don't get to play because

1229
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:26,960
Speaker 1: there's too much pressure. Then when the pressure pulls up

1230
01:10:27,000 --> 01:10:29,240
Speaker 1: and you think about it, you look at the first

1231
01:10:29,280 --> 01:10:33,120
Speaker 1: thing for me was how can I serve people best?

1232
01:10:33,560 --> 01:10:36,080
Speaker 1: And what are they truly looking for from me?

1233
01:10:37,040 --> 01:10:37,200
Speaker 3: Right?

1234
01:10:37,240 --> 01:10:39,559
Speaker 1: How do I serve people best? What's the impact that

1235
01:10:39,600 --> 01:10:41,760
Speaker 1: I can have that's the greatest, and what do they

1236
01:10:41,800 --> 01:10:45,479
Speaker 1: truly want from me? That's different? And that's how we

1237
01:10:45,520 --> 01:10:48,600
Speaker 1: started the Genius Community, which was my membership app that

1238
01:10:48,680 --> 01:10:52,240
Speaker 1: we launched seven years ago now, and it became the

1239
01:10:52,360 --> 01:10:55,000
Speaker 1: pillar because what people wanted they were watching these videos,

1240
01:10:55,040 --> 01:10:57,120
Speaker 1: but they were like, Jay, we want weekly access to you.

1241
01:10:57,720 --> 01:10:59,439
Speaker 1: We want to hear your ideas, we want to hear

1242
01:10:59,479 --> 01:11:01,799
Speaker 1: your insight, we want to almost feel like we're getting

1243
01:11:02,240 --> 01:11:04,960
Speaker 1: a workshop from you. Every single week, and so for

1244
01:11:05,040 --> 01:11:08,919
Speaker 1: seven years, every single week I gave a private workshop

1245
01:11:08,920 --> 01:11:11,439
Speaker 1: to a group of people who subscribed to Genius. That's

1246
01:11:11,479 --> 01:11:14,000
Speaker 1: how it started for me. And so what I'm saying

1247
01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:16,200
Speaker 1: to you is it starts as a passion, it starts

1248
01:11:16,200 --> 01:11:18,800
Speaker 1: as a hobby, and then you figure out what you

1249
01:11:18,840 --> 01:11:21,240
Speaker 1: can do for people that they truly want from you

1250
01:11:21,840 --> 01:11:24,720
Speaker 1: and that you can serve them differently with, and then

1251
01:11:24,760 --> 01:11:27,439
Speaker 1: you build around that. You don't just go I'm going

1252
01:11:27,479 --> 01:11:29,519
Speaker 1: to try and build this random thing and I think

1253
01:11:29,560 --> 01:11:31,960
Speaker 1: this is what people want and this because what ends

1254
01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:34,560
Speaker 1: up happening is you waste time, money and energy. You

1255
01:11:34,880 --> 01:11:36,920
Speaker 1: take a moment, take a beat to listen to the

1256
01:11:36,920 --> 01:11:40,719
Speaker 1: people you're serving and ask them, speak to them, connect

1257
01:11:40,720 --> 01:11:42,160
Speaker 1: with them. I always say to people, if you've got

1258
01:11:42,160 --> 01:11:45,360
Speaker 1: a hundred followers, they can share so much with you

1259
01:11:45,439 --> 01:11:47,719
Speaker 1: about why they love you and why they follow you.

1260
01:11:47,720 --> 01:11:49,719
Speaker 1: You don't need to wait, like Mel was saying earlier,

1261
01:11:49,800 --> 01:11:51,320
Speaker 1: you don't need to wait till you have a million

1262
01:11:51,320 --> 01:11:54,599
Speaker 1: followers to launch a business. You can have a hundred followers.

1263
01:11:54,640 --> 01:11:57,479
Speaker 1: That creates an amazing business for you because you deeply

1264
01:11:57,560 --> 01:12:00,000
Speaker 1: understand their need, You serve them, and you take care

1265
01:12:00,320 --> 01:12:02,400
Speaker 1: of them, and I think the people that get to

1266
01:12:02,400 --> 01:12:04,240
Speaker 1: take care of millions of people who started off as

1267
01:12:04,280 --> 01:12:07,320
Speaker 1: people who took care of five and that's where it

1268
01:12:07,360 --> 01:12:11,320
Speaker 1: all begins. And so take care of whoever's there, connecting

1269
01:12:11,320 --> 01:12:14,840
Speaker 1: and resonating right now and let it flow.

1270
01:12:15,600 --> 01:12:17,360
Speaker 2: I would add one other thing because it sounds like

1271
01:12:17,400 --> 01:12:19,479
Speaker 2: you kind of know what you want to do. So

1272
01:12:19,920 --> 01:12:22,840
Speaker 2: I think the mistake that everybody makes, especially in today's world,

1273
01:12:22,840 --> 01:12:24,719
Speaker 2: because we live in the most amazing time. You guys,

1274
01:12:25,160 --> 01:12:29,920
Speaker 2: you can legally stalk people. There is somebody doing this

1275
01:12:30,040 --> 01:12:35,200
Speaker 2: business somewhere and they have shared the formula. Spend a

1276
01:12:35,280 --> 01:12:38,040
Speaker 2: year being a student of it. You better believe. A

1277
01:12:38,120 --> 01:12:40,559
Speaker 2: year before I started this podcast, I was all up

1278
01:12:40,600 --> 01:12:43,880
Speaker 2: in Jay's Girl. I was watching everything this man was doing.

1279
01:12:43,920 --> 01:12:46,040
Speaker 2: That's why I'm like two episodes a week. Jay's doing

1280
01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:48,479
Speaker 2: two episodes a week. I'm doing like all the people

1281
01:12:48,520 --> 01:12:50,240
Speaker 2: that are at the top are doing a daily episode.

1282
01:12:50,240 --> 01:12:53,800
Speaker 2: They're doing two epos. The formula is there, and now

1283
01:12:53,840 --> 01:12:55,680
Speaker 2: there's going to be a problem. So give yourself a

1284
01:12:55,720 --> 01:12:57,800
Speaker 2: year to be a student of what you want to

1285
01:12:57,840 --> 01:13:01,240
Speaker 2: be a master of. Search for formulas. What are people

1286
01:13:01,280 --> 01:13:05,200
Speaker 2: doing that are succeeding Jay's wright listen to the people

1287
01:13:05,240 --> 01:13:07,880
Speaker 2: that are there and what's missing, and here's gonna be

1288
01:13:07,880 --> 01:13:09,599
Speaker 2: the problem. You're gonna literally be like, well, then I'm

1289
01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:13,800
Speaker 2: God being Jay. Then I'm doing it like them. Dude,

1290
01:13:13,840 --> 01:13:17,120
Speaker 2: You're gonna make it your own because you're your own person.

1291
01:13:18,000 --> 01:13:21,559
Speaker 2: But everybody in the history of time basically kind of

1292
01:13:21,600 --> 01:13:24,240
Speaker 2: does the same thing. There are no new ideas for

1293
01:13:24,320 --> 01:13:27,559
Speaker 2: crying out loud, and so you're literally gonna go but

1294
01:13:27,640 --> 01:13:29,120
Speaker 2: they're doing it this way, and I gotta make it

1295
01:13:29,120 --> 01:13:30,479
Speaker 2: my way, and it's got to be special, and it's

1296
01:13:30,479 --> 01:13:31,600
Speaker 2: got to have a logo, and it's got to do

1297
01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:34,320
Speaker 2: all this. And so then you're gonna avoid doing what

1298
01:13:34,360 --> 01:13:40,400
Speaker 2: are called the reps, the boring, tedious, annoying things that

1299
01:13:40,520 --> 01:13:43,320
Speaker 2: successful people do in the dark. It gets you no

1300
01:13:43,439 --> 01:13:46,639
Speaker 2: credit and no money, but that actually builds the business.

1301
01:13:47,120 --> 01:13:49,040
Speaker 2: And so if you want to turn a hobby into

1302
01:13:49,040 --> 01:13:52,920
Speaker 2: a business, be a student. First search for the formulas.

1303
01:13:53,560 --> 01:13:57,760
Speaker 2: Then take another year to actually show up every day

1304
01:13:57,880 --> 01:14:00,439
Speaker 2: and put your money where your mouth is and do

1305
01:14:00,560 --> 01:14:04,160
Speaker 2: it broke, and do it in the dark while nobody

1306
01:14:04,240 --> 01:14:07,400
Speaker 2: cares and is paying attention. And then pay attention to

1307
01:14:07,439 --> 01:14:10,479
Speaker 2: the ten people that have shown up because they're your people,

1308
01:14:11,120 --> 01:14:13,840
Speaker 2: and if you do that, within two years, you will

1309
01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:16,360
Speaker 2: be shocked at what you can create. Shocked.

1310
01:14:16,439 --> 01:14:17,080
Speaker 3: I love it.

1311
01:14:20,000 --> 01:14:22,840
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, everyone, I want you to know we

1312
01:14:22,960 --> 01:14:25,680
Speaker 1: have got a whole second half in store for you.

1313
01:14:25,760 --> 01:14:28,920
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be guiding used with some interactives, go to meditation,

1314
01:14:29,479 --> 01:14:31,719
Speaker 1: but Mel has to jump on a flight. She's gonna

1315
01:14:31,720 --> 01:14:32,439
Speaker 1: show in New York.

1316
01:14:32,760 --> 01:14:34,640
Speaker 3: So I want you to give it up for my friend.

1317
01:14:35,080 --> 01:14:39,560
Speaker 2: Now, Robs, get on your love you guys, love you

1318
01:14:39,640 --> 01:14:47,400
Speaker 2: who I'm knocking shit over? Jay? I love you, I

1319
01:14:45,720 --> 01:14:54,200
Speaker 2: love you, I love you, guys, Gostard, love it. Don't

1320
01:14:54,280 --> 01:14:57,479
Speaker 2: go anywhere. The best word's coming next with Jay.

1321
01:14:57,600 --> 01:14:58,800
Speaker 1: All Right, I love you best.

1322
01:14:58,920 --> 01:15:03,200
Speaker 2: Bye guys, love you a bye guys, Bye bye bye

1323
01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:05,400
Speaker 2: bye guys. I say you at my show.

1324
01:15:05,640 --> 01:15:09,120
Speaker 1: I see you, yes, Hi, have the best break. I'll

1325
01:15:09,120 --> 01:15:12,120
Speaker 1: see you in a few moments. Back here to meditate,

1326
01:15:12,160 --> 01:15:15,639
Speaker 1: to grow, to change, have a great moment. I'll see

1327
01:15:15,680 --> 01:15:17,960
Speaker 1: you in the second half. Take care everyone. Thank you

1328
01:15:18,080 --> 01:15:21,800
Speaker 1: so much for listening to this conversation. If you enjoyed it,

1329
01:15:21,880 --> 01:15:26,040
Speaker 1: you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort

1330
01:15:26,160 --> 01:15:29,320
Speaker 1: is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking

1331
01:15:29,680 --> 01:15:32,400
Speaker 1: your hidden potential. If you know you want to be

1332
01:15:32,560 --> 01:15:35,320
Speaker 1: more and achieve more this year, go check it out

1333
01:15:35,520 --> 01:15:36,040
Speaker 1: right now.

1334
01:15:36,240 --> 01:15:38,920
Speaker 5: You set a goal today, you achieve it in six months,

1335
01:15:39,320 --> 01:15:42,160
Speaker 5: and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.

1336
01:15:42,360 --> 01:15:43,920
Speaker 3: There's no sense of meaning and purpose.

1337
01:15:44,080 --> 01:15:45,800
Speaker 5: You sort of expected it, and you would have been

1338
01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,240
Speaker 5: disappointed if it didn't happen.