Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Yew.
Speaker 2: Let's talk about the major news in the presidential race.
Speaker 2: Ever since Kamala Harris became the de facto nominee, there
Speaker 2: have been two questions on everyone's mind. One why does
Speaker 2: the sun go up and down if the earth is
Speaker 2: spinning left to right?
Speaker 1: And two?
Speaker 2: Who is going to be Kamala's running mate? Everyone had
Speaker 2: their own suggestions. Pick someone from a swing stage, pick
Speaker 2: a good communicator. One guy was like, pick someone with
Speaker 2: a sick corvette. It's over, Joe, let it go. But
Speaker 2: most importantly, everyone agreed that it had to be a
Speaker 2: white man. Well, today we found out if Kamala listened.
Speaker 2: We begin this hour with the breaking news from the
Speaker 2: presidential campaign trail where Vice President Harris has chosen Minnesota
Speaker 2: Governor Tim Walls to be her running mate.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, hang on, hang on, it's a white man. It's
Speaker 1: a white man. Yeah, you know, I should have known.
Speaker 1: I have a cousin who's white. So this is big news.
Speaker 2: Kamala Harris has selected Minnesota Governor Tim Walls as a
Speaker 2: running mate, and the reactions are pouring in.
Speaker 3: I think Tim Wolves could be an excellent governing partner.
Speaker 3: D Kamala Harris and a real asset here.
Speaker 4: He does come across as someone who is really relatable,
Speaker 4: somebody that people just enjoy spending time with.
Speaker 5: A Trump campaign fundraising text message that went out to
Speaker 5: supporters goes quote Tim Walls will unleash hell on Earth.
Speaker 2: Okay, book mostly positive, one on leash hell on Earth,
Speaker 2: but mostly positive.
Speaker 1: Obviously there's some disagreement here, So let's.
Speaker 2: Find out about this Tim Walls, which, by the way,
Speaker 2: it's not Waltz, it's Walls w Alz. You see, he's
Speaker 2: suffering from low Trump.
Speaker 1: You can have that one if you want. Now.
Speaker 2: Obviously I already know all about Tim Walls, as I
Speaker 2: have a well of knowledge about every governor in America,
Speaker 2: even the ones from the boring states. But since you
Speaker 2: guys have probably never heard of this guy before, I
Speaker 2: googled him in a panic on your behalf this morning,
Speaker 2: and what I found out is that Tim Walls has
Speaker 2: got a lot done as governor. He legalized marijuana, passed family.
Speaker 2: Yeah it's a weed crowd. Yeah, he passed family and sickly.
Speaker 2: He codified abortion rights, and he provided and he provided
Speaker 2: free meals.
Speaker 1: For all school kids, which.
Speaker 2: Which makes him ironic VP pic. Democrats said, man, you've
Speaker 2: done so much as governor. We'd like to promote you
Speaker 2: to a position where you'll do absolutely nothing. But if
Speaker 2: you ask me, his appeal to this ticket isn't that's
Speaker 2: just the record as governor. It says overall vibe, you know,
Speaker 2: and that vibe it's Midwestern Dad has.
Speaker 6: F Hey, everybody tim here eleven days till the election.
Speaker 6: But it's my pro tip of the day out on
Speaker 6: the road. I got to show you this. This right
Speaker 6: here is the headlight harness on a twenty fourteen Ford
Speaker 6: edge Ford.
Speaker 1: This is unacceptable.
Speaker 6: It burned out hot on the connector. So for seven
Speaker 6: ninety nine at NAPA Auto Partoo in the city.
Speaker 1: You can replace this.
Speaker 6: Just clip off the back, use some shrink wrap connectors
Speaker 6: on their tape it back together and put it back in.
Speaker 6: It's about a five minute fix and you're back on
Speaker 6: the road, safe and sound.
Speaker 1: Well.
Speaker 2: Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, that is the most dad video
Speaker 2: I've ever seen in my life. That is a man
Speaker 2: who watches Band of Brothers while standing up with his
Speaker 2: arms crossed. If this dude becomes vice president, they're going
Speaker 2: to find him out on the white house lawn.
Speaker 1: Changing the oil on a editor drawn. Don't call it pentagon.
Speaker 1: They'll charge you an arm and a leg. All it
Speaker 1: needs is a counter sung head Bull'll come here. I'll
Speaker 1: show you come here.
Speaker 2: Now here's another classic Midwestern dad thing. He's got a
Speaker 2: gen Z daughter and he doesn't quite understand it.
Speaker 6: Every year we as a family do something old and
Speaker 6: something new, but then we're gonna go get some.
Speaker 1: Food corn dogs, I'm vegetarian turkey.
Speaker 7: Then he's trying so hard. He's trying so hard.
Speaker 2: You don't eat meat, well, fishes and meat, and turkey's
Speaker 2: kind of like fit.
Speaker 1: Let's get a cheeseburger.
Speaker 2: And will It makes it hard, makes it harder for
Speaker 2: the alt right to call you a soy boy when
Speaker 2: you're like.
Speaker 1: Bison is a vegetable.
Speaker 2: And Tim Walls is not just a Midwestern dad now.
Speaker 2: He's been a Midwestern dad his whole life. He's serving
Speaker 2: the National Guard. He has his own award winning Tater
Speaker 2: Tots hot Day. How much more midwestern can he get?
Speaker 8: In nineteen ninety four, he married fellow school teacher Gwyn Walls.
Speaker 8: They moved to Mankato in the mid nineties, where he
Speaker 8: began teaching and coaching football at Mankato West High School.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, he was a small town high school
Speaker 2: football coach.
Speaker 1: And he's been married for thirty years.
Speaker 2: And he's eating a bucket of cookies. Leave at the
Speaker 2: Minnesota to measure cookies by the bucket.
Speaker 1: This guy is almost too Midwestern. Even his bad stuff
Speaker 1: is still Midwestern.
Speaker 9: In nineteen ninety five, Tim Walls was arrested in Nebraska
Speaker 9: for driving under the influence. He was driving ninety six
Speaker 9: miles an hour in a fifty five mile per hour zone.
Speaker 2: Well yeah, I mean, of course he was driving that fast.
Speaker 2: He had to get home before he heard anybody driving drunk.
Speaker 1: I should know.
Speaker 2: So yes, Tim Walls has a duy arrest, but just one.
Speaker 2: So no wonder voters elected him governor. He's the most
Speaker 2: responsible driver in the whole Midwest. For more on the
Speaker 2: selection of Tim Malls, we go live to the announcement
Speaker 2: rally with our very own Josh Johnson.
Speaker 8: Josh, Josh, what's the word on this kick?
Speaker 3: People are liking this decision, Bible because Tim Walls bounces
Speaker 3: the ticket.
Speaker 8: Kamala Harris is a woman.
Speaker 1: He's a man.
Speaker 8: She's from California. He's from the Midwest. She is young
Speaker 8: and he is old.
Speaker 2: No, actually, Josh, they're the same age.
Speaker 1: No, No, they're not. Yeah, they're the same age. Yeah
Speaker 1: they are.
Speaker 8: There's no way that's true.
Speaker 3: You're telling me Kamala Harris is the same age as Batman.
Speaker 3: Looks like the skipper from Gilligan's Island.
Speaker 1: Look, I know, but they're born six months apart.
Speaker 3: I think you a damn liar, But whatever, because the
Speaker 3: most important dynamic here is that she is black and
Speaker 3: he is the right type of white guy.
Speaker 1: Right type of white guy? What do you mean there's
Speaker 1: just white guys.
Speaker 8: You can't see it because you're in it.
Speaker 3: But there's many, many types of white guys.
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there because
Speaker 2: I find that offensive.
Speaker 3: And that makes sense because you are the type of
Speaker 3: white guy who's easily offended. All right, But there's lots
Speaker 3: of other types.
Speaker 8: You got hipsters, jocks, nerds, those.
Speaker 3: Guys that always scream, what's God, no one knows where
Speaker 3: they're going.
Speaker 2: I see some of those types are gonna like Wallts,
Speaker 2: but some are gonna like jd Vance exactly.
Speaker 8: Walls appeals to the older.
Speaker 3: White guy who always tells the same joke to the
Speaker 3: server at Denny's, the one where he points to his
Speaker 3: empty plate and says, I guess I hated it.
Speaker 2: That's a great joke because he clearly loved it.
Speaker 1: Meanwhile.
Speaker 3: Jd Vance appeals to the older white guys who say
Speaker 3: things like I'm not racist, but and then say the
Speaker 3: most racist shit you've ever heard. Tim Walls appeals to
Speaker 3: white guys who hang an American flag.
Speaker 8: Jd Vance appeals to white guys who hang a bunch
Speaker 8: of American flags.
Speaker 1: I mean.
Speaker 3: Tim Walls appeals to white guys who call PBS to
Speaker 3: make a donation. Jd Vance appeals to white guys who
Speaker 3: call Fox News to say their gold coins haven't arrived
Speaker 3: in the mail.
Speaker 2: You know, I was too close to the situation that
Speaker 2: I missed the nuance. There's different white just like there's
Speaker 2: different black guys.
Speaker 1: Like you know, there's a kind of a black guy.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna stop you right there, Michael, You right, okay,
Speaker 3: But as your friend, you're correct, But for your career sake,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna ask you not to start naming the different
Speaker 3: type of black guys right now.
Speaker 2: Well, look, and I'll be the type of white guy
Speaker 2: who listens to the black guy, Josh Johnson.
Speaker 1: Everybody.
Speaker 2: Donald Trump hasn't been having the best time lately. He's
Speaker 2: losing ground in the polls, his opponents are dominating the
Speaker 2: news cycle, and someone just showed him what JD.
Speaker 1: Vance looks like without the beard.
Speaker 2: So it wasn't surprising that when Trump held a news
Speaker 2: conference earlier today, he had the frustrated energy of a
Speaker 2: coach after losing four games in a row.
Speaker 1: Oh, give me a break. He's so mad. He's so mad.
Speaker 2: That's what I sound like when I check out of
Speaker 2: a hotel and I find out there was.
Speaker 1: A pool feed. It's like, give me a break. I
Speaker 1: didn't even know there was a pool.
Speaker 2: All right, Matt, Look, just tell us how big your
Speaker 2: crowds are, and try not to be weird about.
Speaker 10: I've spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody's spoken to crowds
Speaker 10: bigger than me either.
Speaker 1: You look at Martin Luther King.
Speaker 2: Well, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
Speaker 2: whoa No no, no, no, no, no, no hold on, all right,
Speaker 2: let's be careful comparing yourself to Martin Luther King.
Speaker 1: Here.
Speaker 2: I know you were both investigated by the FBI. But
Speaker 2: that's about it. Do not try to say that you
Speaker 2: were more popular.
Speaker 10: When he did his speech, his great speech, And you
Speaker 10: look at ours, same real estate, same everything. You look
Speaker 10: at it, and you look at the picture of his crowd,
Speaker 10: my prewer, we actually had more people.
Speaker 1: Just to summ up.
Speaker 2: Trump was asked about Kamala's crowd size, and his answer
Speaker 2: ended up being I'm better than MLK. Probably not the
Speaker 2: best answer, but it could have been worse. Trump could
Speaker 2: have been like and out of nowhere. MLK decided he
Speaker 2: was black. When did that happen? Let's move on to
Speaker 2: someone who doesn't have to worry about crowd size ever again.
Speaker 2: The current president, Joseph rode hard and put away wet Biden.
Speaker 2: He just gave his first interviews since he dropped out
Speaker 2: of the race, and after a few weeks of resting
Speaker 2: being out of the spotlight.
Speaker 1: I bet he's energized in mistake free.
Speaker 11: Are you confident that there will be a peaceful transfer
Speaker 11: of power in January twenty twenty five if Trump wins.
Speaker 8: No, I'm not comforting Law.
Speaker 1: I mean, if Trump loses, I'm not comforting Law nailed it.
Speaker 2: Look look that was a huge, huge mix up, but
Speaker 2: everyone relaxed. Okay, Remember he's not the candidate anymore. He's
Speaker 2: just the president, so who cares. Two months ago, watching
Speaker 2: a video like this would have given me to start
Speaker 2: freebasing perk asset. But now that he's not the nominee,
Speaker 2: I can just freebase percaset for fun.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna I don't do it to a fun,
Speaker 1: I do it because I'm addicted.
Speaker 2: Let's move on, because if you're sick of the presidential
Speaker 2: race and you wish that you could spend the rest
Speaker 2: of it as far away as possible, then you're going
Speaker 2: to envy these next two people.
Speaker 9: Some big news from NASA. Those two astronauts who launched
Speaker 9: on a Boeing Starliner spaceship for a ten day mission
Speaker 9: back in June, Well there's word now they may not
Speaker 9: be coming home until next February.
Speaker 8: February twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2: February twenty twenty five, they're going to miss the insurrection.
Speaker 2: They were supposed to be gone for a week, and
Speaker 2: now it's going to be eight months. And this is
Speaker 2: not just an eight month trip, this is an eight
Speaker 2: month work trip.
Speaker 1: Take a good look around at your coworkers, and.
Speaker 2: Imagine spending eight months with them makes you want to
Speaker 2: kill yourself live on air, doesn't it. And by the way,
Speaker 2: they're not going to be back in eight months either. Okay,
Speaker 2: things always end up taking longer than they say. There's
Speaker 2: a formula I use when someone else tells me how
Speaker 2: long it's going to take to fix something. What I
Speaker 2: do is I take that amount of time and I
Speaker 2: add forever to it.
Speaker 1: Okay, tell me fake all our space shit.
Speaker 2: Anyways, you know, why is this the problem? Just open
Speaker 2: the door of the sound stage in Burbank and let
Speaker 2: these people go home.
Speaker 1: But apparently it's more complicated than that.
Speaker 11: Nasha and Boeing engineers remain divided over whether it's shape
Speaker 11: to bring Wilmore and Williams back on Starliner. Their concerned
Speaker 11: Helium leagues and Anchiem Thruster problems could pose serious risks.
Speaker 11: Boeing believes Starliner would bring the astronauts home safely.
Speaker 3: I'm very confident we have a good vehicle to bring the.
Speaker 5: Crew back with.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Well, if you know, Boeing says, it's if I think
Speaker 2: we can just trust them on this one, right, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I mean there are days without an incident sign.
Speaker 1: There's almost up to double digits. They got that? What's that?
Speaker 2: I'm being told that the Days without Incident signed fell
Speaker 2: and killed someone. Oh why are we even still going
Speaker 2: to space?
Speaker 1: There's no gravity up there? We can't breathe. I think
Speaker 1: it's sending us a message.
Speaker 2: We already have a planet Earth right here, and it's
Speaker 2: going to be here for at least another twenty years
Speaker 2: fifteen if.
Speaker 1: You use a plastic straw for for whatever reason, we're
Speaker 1: up there.
Speaker 2: And so to those poor astronauts who are stuck up
Speaker 2: in space, I personally I give them permission to.
Speaker 1: Have an affair.
Speaker 2: You know, zero gravity baby, it's the perfect excuse. Who
Speaker 2: hasn't gotten stuck in space and floated inside a coworker.
Speaker 1: It happens to the best tellers. And finally, let's move
Speaker 1: on to someone we wish would get stuck in space.
Speaker 1: Elon Musk.
Speaker 2: Ever since he took over x formerly known as Twitter,
Speaker 2: formally known as a good website, he's lost every advertiser
Speaker 2: except cheech and shop, which is what tends to happen
Speaker 2: when your entire website is just nazis pedaling cryptocurrency to
Speaker 2: pornbots so to get advertisers back.
Speaker 1: Musk could clean up Twitter, or he could do this.
Speaker 5: Elon Musk's social media platform X is suing a group
Speaker 5: of major advertisers over an alleged ad boycott. The suit
Speaker 5: claims the group organized to block billions of dollars of
Speaker 5: ad revenue over its concern about a change in brand
Speaker 5: safety standards since Musk acquired the platform back in twenty
Speaker 5: twenty two.
Speaker 11: The lawsuit comes despite Musk previously claiming that he didn't
Speaker 11: care if brands pulled their advertisements.
Speaker 3: There was all of the criticism, there was advertisers leaving.
Speaker 10: We talked to Bob Eyer, twist stop you hope don't advertise.
Speaker 1: You don't want them to advertise. No, go yourself, but
Speaker 1: go yourself? Is that clear? I hope it is? Wow,
Speaker 1: Wow interesting.
Speaker 2: I didn't think it was possible to look uncool while
Speaker 2: wearing a leather jacket and telling people to go themselves,
Speaker 2: but he pulled it off somehow. Now, the go gick
Speaker 2: yourself guy might not be the best person to convince
Speaker 2: you that this lawsuit isn't frivolous and desperate and pathetic.
Speaker 2: But luckily Elon Musk hired this lady, Linda Yacarino, and
Speaker 2: as the CEO of Twitter, it's her job to give
Speaker 2: his childish outbursts the veneer of grown up reasoning, and
Speaker 2: she explained this whole situation perfectly.
Speaker 12: Hey, everybody, I was shocked by the evidence uncovered by
Speaker 12: the House Judiciary Committee that a group of companies organized
Speaker 12: a systematic, illegal boycott against X. These organizations targeted our
Speaker 12: company and you, our users. That puts your Global town
Speaker 12: Square the one place that you can express yourself freely
Speaker 12: and openly at long term risk. No small group of
Speaker 12: people should be able to monopolize what gets monetized. Rest assured,
Speaker 12: X has never been more committed to innovating and expanding
Speaker 12: all of our global town square.
Speaker 2: Wow, that was a lot of unnecessary hand gestures. And
Speaker 2: can we cool it with the Global town Square thing?
Speaker 2: This isn't the only website for people to express their thoughts. Okay,
Speaker 2: you know, I'm on Instagram, I'm on Reddit, I've got
Speaker 2: an OnlyFans where I scoop oatmeal with my feet. I'm fine,
Speaker 2: and I don't do apple cinnamon, so stop asking. Okay,
Speaker 2: but actually, that wasn't the only video that Linda Yakarino
Speaker 2: made here at the Daily Show.
Speaker 1: We just got an advanced copy of her next one.
Speaker 4: I was shocked to learn that people think are lost
Speaker 4: suit against advertisers with stupid and a waste of time.
Speaker 4: In reality, we are defending ourselves. Without advertisers, we will die.
Speaker 4: People say that we are being big cry babies who
Speaker 4: don't understand basic capitalism, But we believe that we at
Speaker 4: X should be able to continue to platform sexual harassers
Speaker 4: and nat whoopsie diverse voices without suffering any consequences. There
Speaker 4: are not one, not two, but three important reasons for this. Currently,
Speaker 4: we are drowning in debt and lawsuits are the only
Speaker 4: way that we can make money. We are going to
Speaker 4: win this lawsuit. We need to win this lawsuit because
Speaker 4: no one else will hire me after this shit.
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