Speaker 1: I won't let my body out be outwait everything that
Speaker 1: I'm made done, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 2: I'm learning love who I.
Speaker 1: Am, agam strong. I feel free, I know every part
Speaker 1: of me. It's beautiful and that will always out way
Speaker 1: if you feel it. But you are fell some love
Speaker 1: to the mood?
Speaker 2: Why get there?
Speaker 1: Take you one day and did you and die out way?
Speaker 2: Happy Saturday, out weigh. We are back.
Speaker 3: I'm back with the beautiful Suzanne. We are here for
Speaker 3: our Unfiltered Confidence series where we are navigating self discovery
Speaker 3: within recovery, and this recovery journey it is not always
Speaker 3: roses and butterflies, but it's also not just about food
Speaker 3: in your body, and so hopefully this series is illuminating
Speaker 3: you to all of the little intricacies and all of
Speaker 3: the little nooks and crannies that are challenges might be
Speaker 3: kind of sneaking up on us if we're not aware
Speaker 3: of it, to give you that insight.
Speaker 2: But then also it is all interrelated to.
Speaker 3: Showing you how things that might seemingly have nothing to
Speaker 3: do with food in your body absolutely are all interrelated.
Speaker 3: So we want to cover all of that in between.
Speaker 3: If you miss the last couple of episodes, go back
Speaker 3: and check those out. First, we talked about navigating life
Speaker 3: beyond the checklist. Keyword, beyond the checklist. I know a
Speaker 3: lot of us get caught up in the day to
Speaker 3: day and the doing. Then last week we talked about
Speaker 3: this concept of owning your worth even when there are
Speaker 3: haters or doubters or people are outright going against the
Speaker 3: version of you that you know you want to be,
Speaker 3: and how to step up into your own self endorsement
Speaker 3: in the face of that. And today we're talking about
Speaker 3: self compassion, beyond the reflection, and this beyond the reflection
Speaker 3: thing I mentioned in the first episode. You know, for me,
Speaker 3: I was so obsessed with my appearance and my weight
Speaker 3: that anything beyond that was kind of out of reach
Speaker 3: for me. And I think that's one of the reasons
Speaker 3: I'm so ex to bring this series to you, is
Speaker 3: because to show you that there's life beyond all of that.
Speaker 3: And if that's where you are, there is no shame,
Speaker 3: there is no judgment, nothing but love. That's what we're
Speaker 3: here to help spark some inspiration for you, to show
Speaker 3: you that there's life on the other side of this.
Speaker 3: But I want to turn it over to you, Suzanne,
Speaker 3: and really talking about this idea of self forgiveness and compassion.
Speaker 2: It's almost like a skill set that we have to learn.
Speaker 3: It's like, if you don't know how to ride a bike,
Speaker 3: you've got to learn how to ride a bike. If
Speaker 3: you don't know how to speak Spanish, you have to
Speaker 3: learn how to speak Spanish. And self forgiveness and self
Speaker 3: compassion is oftentimes the opposite of what we've been speaking.
Speaker 3: If you've gotten fluent like I did in self rejection
Speaker 3: or shame or self condemnation or comparisonitis and all those things.
Speaker 3: But then there's also the side of it of like, wait,
Speaker 3: independent of my reflection in the mirror.
Speaker 2: So that's a loaded topic. I'm just gonna spin it
Speaker 2: around and throw it back at you.
Speaker 3: So would you mind just kind of opening up the
Speaker 3: conversation and share what was your experience learning this language
Speaker 3: of self compassion and self forgiveness after what thirty forty
Speaker 3: years of the opposite shares a little bit about where
Speaker 3: you came from and then how you learned that skill
Speaker 3: for yourself.
Speaker 4: Yeah, this topic is so important to me because I
Speaker 4: think it's maybe one of the biggest changes and shifts
Speaker 4: that I've had in my life in the last five
Speaker 4: years was learning how to forgive myself, learning how to
Speaker 4: offer myself the grace and compassion that I provide to others,
Speaker 4: that I am worthy of having that same compassion, and
Speaker 4: understanding when I'm not perfect, I'm never going to be perfect,
Speaker 4: and giving up that idea of perfection. And I also
Speaker 4: had this idea of perfection interwoven with safety and security,
Speaker 4: that if everything is perfect, if I perform perfectly, if
Speaker 4: I am behaving perfectly, everything will remain safe and secure
Speaker 4: in my world, which is completely an illusion and it
Speaker 4: is not sustainable. And being able to get give up
Speaker 4: those two intertwined ideas has probably made the biggest impact
Speaker 4: in my life. Using the tools that I developed when
Speaker 4: I was seventeen years old and then never learned new
Speaker 4: ways to soothe myself when I was upset or when
Speaker 4: I was scared, or when something big happened. There were
Speaker 4: traumatic events that led me to thinking that I had
Speaker 4: to control everything and the reality is my actions, And
Speaker 4: you know, striving for perfectionism was not controlling anything. It
Speaker 4: was simply just you know, creating a spiral of shame
Speaker 4: and doubt and self hatred that I didn't want to
Speaker 4: live with anymore. And that's actually where I was when
Speaker 4: we started working together, was how do I stop the
Speaker 4: voice in my head that is judging herself in everything?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 4: Did I do enough on my to do list? Did
Speaker 4: I eat the right things? Did I buy the right
Speaker 4: gift for somebody? Did I make enough money? Did I
Speaker 4: save enough money? All of the ways that I was
Speaker 4: judging myself? And I'm glad to say that I'm so
Speaker 4: much kinder to myself now than I was then, and
Speaker 4: everything is still safe and secure, as safe and secure
Speaker 4: as life can be.
Speaker 3: Yeah, oh so powerful, because what I just heard you
Speaker 3: say is that the safety and security under the guise
Speaker 3: of perfectionism was an illusion. And first and foremost just
Speaker 3: having that realization of like, wait a minute, this idea.
Speaker 3: First of all, Like my favorite way that I heard
Speaker 3: perfectionism described is we think of perfectionism as the highest standard,
Speaker 3: the thing that we want to attain, right, But I
Speaker 3: got invited into this question of like what if perfectionism
Speaker 3: was actually the lowest standard, what if it was not
Speaker 3: something that you wanted to look for, strive for, hope for.
Speaker 3: And that gave me a lot of freedom, because again,
Speaker 3: you said it best when you said, it's this kind
Speaker 3: of you know, this illusion of safety and security, but
Speaker 3: it's not really safe and secure. And once you step
Speaker 3: outside of that and create a new reality, which is
Speaker 3: exactly what you did, that's when you were able to
Speaker 3: find that the safety and security came with you when
Speaker 3: you created safety and security, and the illusion of perfectionism
Speaker 3: was just keeping you stuck in that. And self forgiveness
Speaker 3: and compassion one of the things that kind of happened
Speaker 3: behind the scenes, and it happens for all my clients.
Speaker 2: But I just want to brag on you for a moment.
Speaker 2: Is you made that decision.
Speaker 3: You drew that line in the sand where you're like, listen,
Speaker 3: I'm not judging myself for the fact that I learned
Speaker 3: these coping mechanisms at seventeen, and that I've been being
Speaker 3: you know, my inner critic, my any inner judger, judging
Speaker 3: mcjudgerson for however many years. I'm not going to sit
Speaker 3: here and shame myself for becoming who I've become. But
Speaker 3: I'm drawing a line in the sand, and I'm no
Speaker 3: longer going to allow this to rule my life. I'm
Speaker 3: no longer allowing myself to be this me lacking compassion,
Speaker 3: you know, perfectionist itself. And I'm ready to learn this
Speaker 3: language of self forgiveness and compassion and really step into that.
Speaker 3: And that's the first step that has to take place,
Speaker 3: in my opinion, is making the decision. So learning how
Speaker 3: is step two right? The first and foremost becomes making
Speaker 3: that decision. So I remember when we were on the
Speaker 3: phone and you made that decision to transform your life.
Speaker 3: But you know from your perspective, what was it like
Speaker 3: to decide like, No, I'm I mean again, I'm not
Speaker 3: aiming for perfectionism when it comes to self compassion, because
Speaker 3: that's its own little double edged sword. But I'm no
Speaker 3: longer willing to walk around kind of unconsciously sleepwalking treating
Speaker 3: myself this way.
Speaker 2: What was that like for you?
Speaker 4: I think it was bringing to life things that I
Speaker 4: had said to myself, but it had never like really
Speaker 4: put thought behind, like I'm worthy, I'm good enough, I
Speaker 4: you know, I do X y Z. How I was
Speaker 4: judging myself was really internalized, and those that knew me
Speaker 4: well were actually quite surprised to hear how harshly I
Speaker 4: was speaking to myself about myself I know that I
Speaker 4: am naturally, you know, a cheerful, optimistic, joyful person. And
Speaker 4: to know that my inner conversation was not cheerful and
Speaker 4: joyful and loving and kind was a big thing for
Speaker 4: me to admit. It took a lot of vulnerability to
Speaker 4: say that out loud to somebody else and to allow
Speaker 4: them to see a glimpse of what that inner conversation
Speaker 4: was looking like, and that change was empowering. And it's
Speaker 4: not perfect, you know. There are still days that I'll
Speaker 4: catch myself saying, oh, why did you do that? But
Speaker 4: I don't ruminate on things the way I had, you know,
Speaker 4: stressing about every detail or why didn't I say X
Speaker 4: y Z in this kind conversation. I'm giving myself a
Speaker 4: past to be human, to say humans are never supposed
Speaker 4: to be perfect. We are going to make mistakes. Can
Speaker 4: I strive to be great? Can I strive to be excellent? Absolutely?
Speaker 4: But what excellent? In? What excellent? In being myself? I
Speaker 4: want to be excellent in how I treat myself. I
Speaker 4: want to be excellent in the kindness that I show
Speaker 4: to others. That doesn't mean I'm going to do it
Speaker 4: right every single time, But can I practice being that
Speaker 4: best self and forgive myself for the times when I
Speaker 4: make mistakes along the way.
Speaker 3: For you, what was it like to Because we're talking
Speaker 3: about self compassion beyond the reflection, and I know for
Speaker 3: you you had a beautiful interaction and conversation with your
Speaker 3: body over the years too, because I think some people
Speaker 3: think like, oh, I'll be compassionate with myself when I
Speaker 3: get to my ideal weight or when I look a
Speaker 3: certain way. But it's like, no, stop and become her
Speaker 3: now while you work on the rest or you know,
Speaker 3: get healthier or whatever your goals are. Can you talk
Speaker 3: to us a little bit about your experience with self
Speaker 3: compassion that had nothing to do or that was independent
Speaker 3: of your reflection in the mirror. Can you talk to
Speaker 3: us a little bit about your experience with self compassion
Speaker 3: that had nothing to do or that was independent of
Speaker 3: your reflection in the mirror.
Speaker 4: I vividly remember the day that I looked in the
Speaker 4: mirror and I didn't say anything unkind to myself, and
Speaker 4: I like, I wasn't talking myself out of saying anything unkind.
Speaker 4: That I looked in the mirror and I said, you
Speaker 4: look lovable. It was such a profound moment for me,
Speaker 4: like it's making me smile thinking about it. I remember
Speaker 4: like it brought tears to my eyes because it was
Speaker 4: such a shift for me in self acceptance and in
Speaker 4: forgiveness who I am. It wasn't like, oh, you know,
Speaker 4: this doesn't fit, or that I was not critiquing myself.
Speaker 4: I was firmly accepting myself. And that was like such
Speaker 4: a beautiful guiding moment for me in giving myself compassion
Speaker 4: and forgiveness and also permission to love and to be loved.
Speaker 4: And that was, you know, such a huge part of
Speaker 4: this journey was allowing myself to say, you don't have
Speaker 4: to be perfect to love yourself, you don't have to
Speaker 4: do every single thing right to forgive yourself. Being able
Speaker 4: to offer the same forgiveness to me that I was
Speaker 4: offering to others shifted how I was living my life.
Speaker 4: I'm still striving to do things well. That's part of
Speaker 4: how I'm wired and who I am and how I
Speaker 4: live my life. To let go of the reins and
Speaker 4: know that I can be excellent without controlling every single thing,
Speaker 4: and I feel better being able to lean into the
Speaker 4: things I know I'm really good at doing and shine
Speaker 4: there allow my light to shine. That piece of self.
Speaker 4: Forgiveness allowed me to be more fully who I am
Speaker 4: and to bring my gifts forward and have confidence in
Speaker 4: that knowing that I'm not supposed to do everything perfectly.
Speaker 4: There's not a single person on earth who does, and
Speaker 4: that I you know, when I mess up, I can
Speaker 4: soothe myself in ways that are also loving and kind.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 4: I learned the value of a nice, warm shower or
Speaker 4: a hug, like how healing a hug is and how
Speaker 4: good it feels to connect with somebody who also enjoys
Speaker 4: the beauty of nature. I found that walking and talking
Speaker 4: is one of the things that I love and that
Speaker 4: soothes me. The sound of the ocean or hearing music
Speaker 4: or letting myself just sing. Those are the ways that
Speaker 4: I freed myself. And none of those are done perfectly.
Speaker 4: There's no way to do them perfectly. And that gave
Speaker 4: me permission to say, Okay, I can live life in
Speaker 4: a really wonderful, beautiful way that has nothing to do
Speaker 4: with perfection.
Speaker 2: Oh so beautifully said.
Speaker 3: And it's so interesting because everything that you just said,
Speaker 3: and there was a series of different transformations that occurred
Speaker 3: within what you just shared.
Speaker 2: It really all started with.
Speaker 3: A decision, you know, and sometimes that decision looks like, Hey,
Speaker 3: I don't even know what it looks like to do
Speaker 3: this and to step into this, but I am committed.
Speaker 3: And sometimes it means saying like, hey, I'm scared and
Speaker 3: I'm you know, nervous about leaving my past behind and
Speaker 3: stepping into something new, but drawing that line in this.
Speaker 3: And you know, one of the things that I love
Speaker 3: about your journey to is it's witnessing you, like you said,
Speaker 3: step into knowing who you are, but then being unapologetic
Speaker 3: about letting others see you in that as well. And
Speaker 3: it's so interesting because when you shared that experience of
Speaker 3: you looking in the mirror, I mean, for anybody listening
Speaker 3: to this, I want you to just think, when was
Speaker 3: the last time you looked in the mirror and you
Speaker 3: didn't Your first thought wasn't anything about a physical attribute
Speaker 3: about yourself, right, It wasn't about how air quotes fat
Speaker 3: or skinny you think you look, or how air quotes
Speaker 3: ugly or pretty you think you look, or whatever it is.
Speaker 3: Maybe you're saying all the great things, but there's still
Speaker 3: these physical things. That moment was so profound for you
Speaker 3: because it's the first time, probably ever that you looked
Speaker 3: in the mirror and what reflected back to you had
Speaker 3: nothing to do with what you look like.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 3: I jokingly say, like, what if our what we look
Speaker 3: like was the least interesting thing about us or the
Speaker 3: most boring thing about us? And I say it jokingly,
Speaker 3: but I'm also being dead serious, right, And the fact
Speaker 3: that you had that soul moment and in the mirror,
Speaker 3: it's just such a metaphor to the internal journey that
Speaker 3: you went through, and nobody can take that from you,
Speaker 3: and you had it fired and wired in your nervous
Speaker 3: system from then on, and then you got to just
Speaker 3: keep building and building and building and showing up as
Speaker 3: that version of you unapologetically, which actually is a great
Speaker 3: segue into what we're going to be talking about next week. So,
Speaker 3: first of all, thank you so much for just sharing
Speaker 3: that vulnerable piece of you and letting us see an
Speaker 3: inside peek into your journey.
Speaker 4: Oh thank you for taking me back there. It made
Speaker 4: me smile to remember that moment and to be filled
Speaker 4: with that same sense of self acceptance and to be
Speaker 4: able to reflect back and see that, yes, I was
Speaker 4: scared when I drew that line in the sand. But
Speaker 4: I was living in a place that was rooted in fear,
Speaker 4: and my perfectionism was rooted in fear, and to be
Speaker 4: able to live in a place of gratitude instead has
Speaker 4: been so much more fulfilling and has made a world
Speaker 4: of difference in my life.
Speaker 2: Absolutely.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's kind of like the devil that you know
Speaker 3: versus the devil that you don't. It's like, you know,
Speaker 3: I know when I invite women into the next level
Speaker 3: of freedom or the possibility of freedom, it's like, wait
Speaker 3: a minute, Leanne, you're telling me to stop doing the
Speaker 3: one thing or stop trying to control the one thing.
Speaker 3: I've been trying to control my entire life, when ironically,
Speaker 3: if we look back at it, it's like the more
Speaker 3: we try to control it, the more out of control
Speaker 3: we feel. Right, And obviously I'm talking about controlling food,
Speaker 3: controlling our body, thinking it'll control us. But it's like
Speaker 3: it's again, it's the devil that you know versus the
Speaker 3: devil that you don't know. What's scarier is staying stuck
Speaker 3: living inside the prison that you're in without a key
Speaker 3: is so much scarier than the not knowing, right, And
Speaker 3: so I think that's the dance. It's a delicate dance.
Speaker 3: It's like do I want you do I not fear security, fear, belief, fear, freedom,
Speaker 3: all the things, And it's that our brain just you know,
Speaker 3: trying to do what it does, which is keep us safe,
Speaker 3: even when safe is so unsafe. Right, So, such a
Speaker 3: great conversation.
Speaker 2: We could go on and on about this. I love
Speaker 2: I love.
Speaker 3: These conversations because again, it's so much deeper than the
Speaker 3: reflection in the mirror.
Speaker 2: It's so there's so much more outside the bounds of
Speaker 2: just the food and.
Speaker 3: Body recovery conversation, which is such an important conversation, but
Speaker 3: it can also be so much more three dimensional than that. Right.
Speaker 3: So that being said, we are going to be back
Speaker 3: next week and we're going to bring back We touched
Speaker 3: on it a couple weeks ago when Susanne mentioned a
Speaker 3: journaling exercise. But we're going to actually take you through
Speaker 3: what that looks like in this concept from vision to
Speaker 3: reality through grateful anticipation.
Speaker 2: Grateful anticipation.
Speaker 3: We're going to tell you exactly what that is and
Speaker 3: how to do it and how that showed up in
Speaker 3: Suzanne's life. She's a first hand encounter of the power
Speaker 3: of literally teaching your brain a new thought process and
Speaker 3: a new program. So thank you so much for being
Speaker 3: here to join us again. And yeah, ladies, if you
Speaker 3: want to learn more about the nitty gritty details of
Speaker 3: how to rewire your brain for freedom, head on over
Speaker 3: to stresslesseding dot com. You can check out my entire
Speaker 3: masterclass where I've laid out those five steps step by step,
Speaker 3: bit by bit for you. So you can also find
Speaker 3: me over at Leanne Ellington on Instagram. Well, we are
Speaker 3: signing off for now, see you next Saturday.
Speaker 2: Talk to you then bye.