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Speaker 1: Family Secrets as a production of I Heart Radio Baby,

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Speaker 1: It's Whole Baby, and the dog is just I pointed

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Speaker 1: out to him where I spent many many in afternoon

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Speaker 1: sitting out on that slab. Was at the concrete slab

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Speaker 1: with a cover over it and talking to the girls

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Speaker 1: listening to this transistor radios. Um what teenagers did back then,

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Speaker 1: talking about boys, talking about what seventeen year old girls

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Speaker 1: talk about seventeen magazine at the beach, almost Amazon to Papa's.

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Speaker 1: The only odd thing was all these teenagers were in

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Speaker 1: various stages of pregnancy, but we were chest girls. That's

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Speaker 1: Laura Angle recalling her time at a home for unweed mothers. Today.

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Speaker 1: Laura is a sixty eight year old mother and grandmother

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Speaker 1: who lives a full and contented life in San Diego.

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Speaker 1: She grew up in Boloxi, Mississippi, and describes herself as

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Speaker 1: an average child and teenager, a teenager who had a secret.

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Speaker 1: I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets, the secrets

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Speaker 1: that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others,

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Speaker 1: and the secrets we keep from ourselves. I had a

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Speaker 1: family that was a very close, nice family. You know,

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Speaker 1: we were to church, and we did all the things

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Speaker 1: that normal families do. I was the only daughter. I

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Speaker 1: was the oldest, had three younger brothers. My mother had

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Speaker 1: a lot of issues. She was actually a secret in

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Speaker 1: her family. My mother was what I think. I'm another doctor,

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Speaker 1: but I think she was bipolar. I just knew instinctively

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Speaker 1: that just don't talk about mamma's moods and the weeks

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Speaker 1: that she would lay in bed crying. And I loved

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Speaker 1: my mother, but I don't think we were close at all.

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Speaker 1: I always don't like I wasn't enough with my mother

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Speaker 1: and actually became like the in between between my mother

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Speaker 1: and my grandmother, who lived next to our my father's mother.

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Speaker 1: When Laura was fifteen, she felt for a guy who

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Speaker 1: wasn't exactly the boy next door. He wasn't from Biloxi.

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Speaker 1: He had long hair, which was fairly new in the

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Speaker 1: mid nineteen sixties, and he didn't have a Southern accent.

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Speaker 1: He just said a different than a guy. He played

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Speaker 1: a guitar, and he and I became boyfriend and girlfriend

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Speaker 1: and a very young age. I guess it was like fifteen.

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Speaker 1: So by the time I was the summer that I

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Speaker 1: was turning seventeen. He and I broke up because he

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Speaker 1: was going on to college, he said, but he ended

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Speaker 1: up joining the army pretty soon after that attack. I

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Speaker 1: can imagine what a must have been like during that long,

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Speaker 1: hot Mississippi summer ticking by, especially for a girl who

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Speaker 1: had just turned seventeen. A girl was a troubled mother,

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Speaker 1: a girl who had a certain longing to get out,

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Speaker 1: though she might not even have known what that would mean.

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Speaker 1: Though Laura and her boyfriend had broken up, he kept

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Speaker 1: coming by the house. Laura was under a spell cast

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Speaker 1: by her own longing made manifest by the long haired

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Speaker 1: guitar playing guy from out of town. But that spell

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Speaker 1: was broken by the slow, very slow, dawning realization that

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Speaker 1: Laura was pregnant. Actually, my memory of that is that

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Speaker 1: I was in denial. I couldn't believe it I could

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Speaker 1: be pregnant. It's just devastating because I didn't know which

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Speaker 1: way to turn. There was nothing much worse in that

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Speaker 1: period of time, and to get pregnant, um, except if

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Speaker 1: a boyfriend didn't want marre you, and that was like

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Speaker 1: the ultimate. It was ascle back then. It's important to

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Speaker 1: understand that there was no such thing as sex education,

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Speaker 1: which my teenaged son has informed me is now called

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Speaker 1: human development. In the mid nineteen sixties and Biloxi, Mississippi,

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Speaker 1: it was called family hygiene. Let's take a second to

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Speaker 1: think about that term family hygiene. It's like a big

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Speaker 1: antiseptic wipe erasing the messy truth of teenage bodies and desires. Now,

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Speaker 1: consider that oral contraceptives a k a. The pill were

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Speaker 1: approved by the FDA in nineteen sixty, but it took

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Speaker 1: US a Preme Court case in nineteen sixty five to

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Speaker 1: give married couples the right to use it. For the unmarried,

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Speaker 1: the pill was like a myth whispered among girls, and

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Speaker 1: mostly you didn't whisper about such things because that would

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Speaker 1: mean you were a bad girl. Secret until my mother

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Speaker 1: cornered me when I was like three and apple once pregnant.

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Speaker 1: Aaron demanded, now if I was pregnant, and I said,

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure. I don't think so, because I'm not sick.

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Speaker 1: And aren't you supposed to be sick when you're pregnant.

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Speaker 1: Aren't you supposed to throw up when you're pregnant? And

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Speaker 1: that's why if I was my mother um permitted doctor,

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Speaker 1: sure enough, I was pregnant. She was horrified, went to

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Speaker 1: bed for a couple of days. I wouldn't even speak

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Speaker 1: to me. My father wouldn't speak to me. I thought

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Speaker 1: it was a very quiet man, that I was his

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Speaker 1: only daughter, and he and I just adore each other.

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Speaker 1: It was the apple of his eye, and all of

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Speaker 1: a sudden he turned away from me. Would speak to me.

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Speaker 1: In the meantime, he called my old boyfriend's parents, and

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Speaker 1: no doubt that he had just gone into boot camp

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Speaker 1: and he wasn't Fort Benning for that. And my father

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Speaker 1: took me in the car and my moother interrove straight there,

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Speaker 1: four hundred miles and I thought that he could have

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Speaker 1: us married there, because if I did get married, that

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Speaker 1: was like getting on with everyone's problems. Dr bid. They

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Speaker 1: think I was pregnant and not, you know, married. I

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Speaker 1: thought we would go to a church there and and

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Speaker 1: get married, or we'd go to justice in the peace.

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Speaker 1: And I had this fantasy that it was all going

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Speaker 1: to work out. Let's just back up for a second.

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Speaker 1: I just want a little bit more. Those four miles

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Speaker 1: back and forth between Biloxi and Fort Benning. What was

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Speaker 1: the atmosphere like in the car between you and your parents.

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Speaker 1: It's interesting to bring that up. That was torture. Neither

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Speaker 1: one of my parents said hardly anything, even to each other.

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Speaker 1: My mother sat in the front seat trying my father

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Speaker 1: just to a long. I don't even remember him turning

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Speaker 1: back and looking at me or saying anything. I'm sure

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Speaker 1: we stopped to go to the the bathroom. Um. It was

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Speaker 1: horribly I have to tell you, though. I do remember

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Speaker 1: in the backseat thinking it would all work out that

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Speaker 1: once my boyfriend saw me, and I honestly thought my

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Speaker 1: father would just go take him, pick him up at

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Speaker 1: the dace, that everyone would say. Sure. In the trunk

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Speaker 1: of that silent car speeding through those four miles between

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Speaker 1: Biloxi and Fort Benning was a white dress and white shoes.

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Speaker 1: Laura thought she'd be married in the way. I remember.

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Speaker 1: It was kind of an Empire style dress, and my

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Speaker 1: grandma was a seamstress, so I ought to beautiful close

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Speaker 1: for me. And I don't even know where that dress

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Speaker 1: came from, but it was nothing. It was not new.

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Speaker 1: It was a dress in my closet, and I remember

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Speaker 1: it was clean colored, and I remember taking white cut

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Speaker 1: like pumps because weren't heels, but they were pomps, you know,

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Speaker 1: And I just remember packing my battle bag. When we

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Speaker 1: got to the hotel room, I took a bath. I

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Speaker 1: remember being in the back and thinking this is all

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Speaker 1: been working out. I remember getting dressed and my mother

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Speaker 1: stayed in the room with me, but she and I

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Speaker 1: didn't we didn't speak that much. But big surprise, things

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Speaker 1: didn't work out that way. Her dad returned to the

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Speaker 1: hotel without the boyfriend in tow. The boyfriend's parents had

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Speaker 1: told him he didn't have to marry Laura. His drill

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Speaker 1: sergeant told him he didn't have to marry Laura, And

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Speaker 1: so Laura's father, still not speaking to her, said only

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Speaker 1: one thing as they packed up and headed back to Biloxi.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't deserve you, he said, a small high beam

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Speaker 1: of love, cutting for just a moment through all that

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Speaker 1: family shame. But not too long after that a plan

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Speaker 1: was hatched. My father and my grandmother talked to the

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Speaker 1: minister and he told them about the home over there

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Speaker 1: as a maternity home for I'm wed mother's and it

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Speaker 1: had been in New Orleans since like the late eighteen

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Speaker 1: and it was run by the church. And they assured

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Speaker 1: me that I would be taken care of and my

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Speaker 1: mother said to me. She took me aside and said,

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Speaker 1: if you go over there and have the baby, what

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Speaker 1: we'll do is we will have you have the baby

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Speaker 1: over there, and when you come back, I'm going to

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Speaker 1: say the baby is mine, and you can pretend like

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Speaker 1: you're the baby's sister. And I'm in love with it,

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Speaker 1: because I thought, even though I still couldn't even comprehend

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Speaker 1: a baby, I still thought, you know, at least this way,

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Speaker 1: I have my baby. And so I've been along with it,

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Speaker 1: and I said, okay. So as a seventeen year old,

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Speaker 1: I thought, well, this is going to solve the problem.

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Speaker 1: I'll go there, all the out of sight, nobody in

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Speaker 1: my hometown will see me walking around pregnant. Um, I'll

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Speaker 1: have the baby and then we'll come up. That's father

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Speaker 1: and mother both droves me over to New Ones in March,

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Speaker 1: and Um, I remembered it, thinking they're both going to

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Speaker 1: go in with me. Of course, I was scared to death.

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Speaker 1: I'd never lived anywhere at a home. Imagine being a

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Speaker 1: seventeen year old girl who has never lived anywhere other

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Speaker 1: than your own home with your parents and brothers, and

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Speaker 1: pulling up to a nondescript red brick building in a

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Speaker 1: big city full of strangers. Imagine stepping out of that

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Speaker 1: car knowing that for five months you will live apart

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Speaker 1: from everyone you know and love. Will you prepare for

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Speaker 1: one of the biggest moments of your life childbirth. Laura's mother,

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Speaker 1: who just can't handle it, stays in the car as

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Speaker 1: her father takes her inside. My father had to do it.

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Speaker 1: And it was while we were in there that the

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Speaker 1: lady was admitting me when she said it was a

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Speaker 1: wonderful thing, but I was doing giving up my child

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Speaker 1: to be loved by a family that could not have children.

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Speaker 1: I stopped her and I said, there's a mistake. And

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Speaker 1: I was not the kind of teenager that would do that,

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Speaker 1: you know, I didn't make ways with adults. I was

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Speaker 1: very respectful of adults, of course, And I said, you know,

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Speaker 1: there's a mistake. I'm not leading the baby here. I'm no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to keep it. My mom is going to

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Speaker 1: raise it. And she looked at my father and he

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Speaker 1: looked at her, and that's when everything changed. She left

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Speaker 1: the room, and my memory is and it's so traumatic

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Speaker 1: at that point that my memory is like um savvy

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Speaker 1: and it's little bits and pieces. For so many years,

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Speaker 1: I wouldn't even allow myself to go there. He's talking

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Speaker 1: to me, and he's telling me, you don't want your

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Speaker 1: mama to raise this baby. And I think he was

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Speaker 1: trying to protect not just me, the the baby. I

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Speaker 1: think he had just made up his mind that that

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Speaker 1: was not gonna work. And he's the one that told

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Speaker 1: me this is what he wanted. And I remember I

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Speaker 1: was so glad that he was finally talking to me

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Speaker 1: and giving me advice. I think I would have done

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Speaker 1: anything to him, because it killed me what he's stopped

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Speaker 1: talking to me, and I wanted to make him happy.

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Speaker 1: And I remember thinking at the same time, I said okay.

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Speaker 1: I remember thinking I said his fantasy that somehow everything

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Speaker 1: would work out, he would change his mind and that

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Speaker 1: I would keep the baby. But I told him. The

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Speaker 1: Home for Unwed Mothers asked the girls to change their

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Speaker 1: names while they were there. This stripping away of their

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Speaker 1: very identities was meant to preserve their anonymity from each other,

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Speaker 1: from any possibility that their secret might someday be revealed.

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Speaker 1: Laura was told, you will forget this. Ever happened, it

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Speaker 1: became like a Mantra repeated to her over and over again.

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Speaker 1: Within the walls of that red brick building, you will

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Speaker 1: forget this ever happened. On one side of the building

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Speaker 1: was where the girls lived, the dormitories upstairs, and we

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Speaker 1: had a kitchen, an area for um, you know, reading,

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Speaker 1: and there was a TV room and that type of thing.

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Speaker 1: And it was a chapel, because that was very important.

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Speaker 1: So Laura and the other girls would listen to their

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Speaker 1: transistor radios, call each other by their fake names, and

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Speaker 1: flipped through the pages of seventeen magazine, while on the

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Speaker 1: other side of the wall from where they slept each night,

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Speaker 1: there was a clinic where they would eventually give birth,

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Speaker 1: and a nursery where babies were kept until they were adopted.

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Speaker 1: In the meantime, the girls were given jobs. Laura's was

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Speaker 1: to tend to the children in that nursery. Their belief

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Speaker 1: was that the girls would be preoccupied working, which is

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Speaker 1: true we were, and it would give us a sense

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Speaker 1: of responsibility to have a job to go to every day,

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Speaker 1: and it also helped the home to run smoother, of course,

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Speaker 1: And from what I remember, we were all very eager

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Speaker 1: to do our jobs. I remember doing my job was

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Speaker 1: important to me, and I wanted to do a good job.

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Speaker 1: I had never been around new form babies and I

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Speaker 1: little brothers, but I'd never taken care of newborn babies.

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Speaker 1: It was life changing for me because the nurse, the age,

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Speaker 1: the nurses, aids, and the nurses that worked in there

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Speaker 1: were black. My hometown, I've never had a friend of

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Speaker 1: any color except light. Biloxi, Mississippi, in nineteen sixty seven

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Speaker 1: was a tourist town of beaches, nightclubs, and casinos. All

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Speaker 1: those places were still de facto off limits to African Americans.

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Speaker 1: It took federal intervention in night after years of protests

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Speaker 1: to open the beaches of Biloxi to non whites. It

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Speaker 1: taught me so much. It taught me about me two

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Speaker 1: so non judgment. It's such a wonderful person, and it

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00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:48,160
Speaker 1: opened my eyes to the real world. And and I

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00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:52,680
Speaker 1: think that changed me tremendously in that time. After five

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Speaker 1: months in the Home for unweed Mothers slash Nursery, Laura

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00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,760
Speaker 1: goes into labor and her labor becomes quickly distressed. Instead

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Speaker 1: of giving birth at the home as expected, she's taken

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Speaker 1: to a nearby hospital. My memory is named they're scared

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Speaker 1: to death in labor on a grey in the hallway,

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Speaker 1: which seems like for a long time. I have no

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00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:19,440
Speaker 1: idea how long it really was. And then I was

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Speaker 1: spent in the labor room. The next thing I knew

249
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Speaker 1: was my mother came walking in the room. She looked

250
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Speaker 1: like she was fun to die when she walked in.

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Speaker 1: She was just petrified, and I remember crying. I would

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Speaker 1: just you know, in pain. And I don't know if

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Speaker 1: they'd given me anything. I don't think they had, and

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Speaker 1: I was scared. And she stayed for a very short time,

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Speaker 1: and she told me just to calm down and I

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00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:52,000
Speaker 1: would get through this. And then she left, and I

257
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,560
Speaker 1: think she might have been asked to me, but she

258
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:56,040
Speaker 1: did leave. And the next thing I know is they

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00:16:56,040 --> 00:17:00,600
Speaker 1: gave me a shot, and my memories con I'm pretty

260
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,080
Speaker 1: sure what they gave me was tilight. The tilight shot.

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Speaker 1: That is a lot back then where you have no

262
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:11,840
Speaker 1: memory of anything that's happening after the fact, And my

263
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:16,800
Speaker 1: first memory is so distinct. My first memory is waking

264
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Speaker 1: up in a ward with six or eight other women,

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00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:28,080
Speaker 1: and it's morning, the sun's coming in the window, and

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00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,399
Speaker 1: they've said my dady and I have no memory that

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Speaker 1: my baby. I don't know if it's a boy. I

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00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,760
Speaker 1: don't know if it's a girl, and do nothing. They

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00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,399
Speaker 1: do know that all the women in this room, and

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Speaker 1: we're all facing each other. It's like they had our beds,

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Speaker 1: like in a circle, is the only way I can

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Speaker 1: describe it. And they're all talking about their babies and

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Speaker 1: their husbands and their other children. And I'm eavesdropping, but

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Speaker 1: I'm very sigh and I'm scared to death and petrislight

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Speaker 1: is that day are going to know that I'm an

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Speaker 1: unwit mother. That is my biggest fear. This she name

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Speaker 1: of being an unwit mother. So I don't talk to anybody.

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Speaker 1: The nurses command and I asked the nurse about my baby.

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Speaker 1: If she said over, I'll be bringing him into you

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Speaker 1: when I bring the others. And that's my first inclination

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Speaker 1: that my first knew I had the baby and it's

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Speaker 1: a boy. And I'm thrilled because I'm thinking I'm going

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Speaker 1: to see my baby and hold it, and at the

284
00:18:36,359 --> 00:18:39,199
Speaker 1: same terman petrifide because I don't want them to know

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00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:44,760
Speaker 1: that I'm one of those women and unwit mother and

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00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:48,240
Speaker 1: that that memory is very strong. But I remember when

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00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:55,280
Speaker 1: they're broughting in. It was just it was beautiful and

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00:18:56,240 --> 00:19:02,120
Speaker 1: it was so painful because I knew that this baby,

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Speaker 1: it's not going to be my baby, and he was.

290
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:08,239
Speaker 1: He was part of me for the minute I helped came,

291
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:12,000
Speaker 1: he was part of me. And that's that's when it

292
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:16,280
Speaker 1: all began as far as my when I really realized

293
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,320
Speaker 1: the impact of what this is just going to do.

294
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Speaker 1: How much time did you spend with him before you

295
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,000
Speaker 1: didn't see him again? Actually, I held him and I

296
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,359
Speaker 1: said to get a little bottle to give him, and

297
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,720
Speaker 1: I knew what to right foot to do because I

298
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:37,520
Speaker 1: had been working in a nursery and I said him

299
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,959
Speaker 1: and I held him and I unwrapped him, and the

300
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:45,119
Speaker 1: whole time trying to be strong because I don't want

301
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,200
Speaker 1: anyone to know what I'm really thinking. And the nursing

302
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:51,520
Speaker 1: man it took him from me, and it just told

303
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:54,480
Speaker 1: me not to make a scene because I didn't want

304
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,320
Speaker 1: or taken from me. She took him from me. And

305
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,800
Speaker 1: my next memories and I don't even when I got there.

306
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:05,639
Speaker 1: My next memory is going back to the home and

307
00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,040
Speaker 1: I was put into a clinics right because when she

308
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,240
Speaker 1: had your baby didn't you known gold the theater girls?

309
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:14,400
Speaker 1: And you know kind of like your getting ready to

310
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:19,400
Speaker 1: be it, you know, sit out of there. During her

311
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,960
Speaker 1: time caring for infants in the nursery, Laura had instinctively

312
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:27,600
Speaker 1: learned a great deal about attachment. She's a naturally empathic,

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00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:31,840
Speaker 1: compassionate person, and even as a petrified seventeen year old,

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00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,720
Speaker 1: she's thought of those babies, not just her son, to

315
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Speaker 1: whom she gave the crib name of Jamie, but all

316
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,880
Speaker 1: of the babies. How long would it take for them

317
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,880
Speaker 1: to be adopted, how would they be held and cared for?

318
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Speaker 1: How would they attach without a mother to attach to?

319
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,000
Speaker 1: How would the time in the nursery, in the Home

320
00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:55,040
Speaker 1: for the unwed mothers impact them. She longed to spend

321
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:59,800
Speaker 1: as much time with Jamie as she could, because it's

322
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 1: so obvious to me. As they got older, their faces

323
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:07,399
Speaker 1: was right up. I can see their faces now. They

324
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:11,760
Speaker 1: were a few that were very important to me, and

325
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,600
Speaker 1: they've they've stayed with me all these years. They are

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00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,800
Speaker 1: little staces. You can see your eyes and see there's

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00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,960
Speaker 1: the lives light up. When you bent over to pick

328
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:25,040
Speaker 1: them up out of their crew. Um, it was something

329
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:27,960
Speaker 1: inside me up I think I've always been maternal. Being

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00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 1: a mother has been the most important thing in my life,

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00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:36,520
Speaker 1: and my children have meant more to me than I

332
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:38,919
Speaker 1: always say. They are my arms and life. They are

333
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,480
Speaker 1: part of me. I have all sons. They are me

334
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:47,800
Speaker 1: and I am there. I knew that even then. The

335
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,760
Speaker 1: first time I held Day, they knew that he he

336
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:56,200
Speaker 1: was me be hungus him. I actually got to hold

337
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,399
Speaker 1: my son again because the nurse who I had become

338
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:02,159
Speaker 1: so close to day afternoon, she was alone in the

339
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,640
Speaker 1: nurse week. She let me hope my son was three

340
00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:10,640
Speaker 1: weeks old. So Dad is one of the most was

341
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,399
Speaker 1: one of the most beautiful, beautiful memories I had the

342
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,000
Speaker 1: fact that I got to hold my shirt again. And

343
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:19,920
Speaker 1: he was adopted at five weeks, so two weeks later

344
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:23,760
Speaker 1: he was gone from the home. You were repeatedly told

345
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:28,880
Speaker 1: by everyone, you will forget this ever happened. Was there

346
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: ever a moment where you forgot that this ever happened?

347
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:37,160
Speaker 1: I never forgot for a minute. I thought of him

348
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,760
Speaker 1: every day from that day forward, and I don't think

349
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,159
Speaker 1: a day went by that he didn't flicker through my

350
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,760
Speaker 1: bind or something. I'd look at one of my other sons.

351
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:52,160
Speaker 1: You know, and I'd always wonder where is he? How

352
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:56,879
Speaker 1: is he? When I sent spif home? He was a

353
00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:02,679
Speaker 1: miss I was Besides, I was furious. I felt like

354
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:07,320
Speaker 1: I had been betrayed. I felt like, okay, I'm they

355
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:10,879
Speaker 1: think I'm so bad, I'll be bad. I remember drinking

356
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:14,280
Speaker 1: alcohol in my bedroom. A girlfriend brought it to me.

357
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,600
Speaker 1: I mean, I was not the person would be in

358
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 1: my bed room drinking, you know, podcast And I started

359
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:25,600
Speaker 1: smoking cigarettes and I had started smoking at the home,

360
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:30,160
Speaker 1: and I thought, Okay, they say I'm dead, I'll be bad.

361
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,919
Speaker 1: But at the same time, I think that was just,

362
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,760
Speaker 1: you know, my rebellion. What had happened to me. We're

363
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:47,200
Speaker 1: going to pause for a moment. Six months after she's

364
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,320
Speaker 1: back home, Laura's brother convinces her to go to a party,

365
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:52,760
Speaker 1: and it's there she meets a guy in the Air

366
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:56,960
Speaker 1: Force who's from California. In short order, she marries him

367
00:23:57,119 --> 00:24:00,439
Speaker 1: and moves to California, away from the place it holds

368
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:04,880
Speaker 1: so many painful memories and secrets. Except we all know

369
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:07,760
Speaker 1: what happens when we run away from secrets. We take

370
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:13,200
Speaker 1: them with us wherever we go. Do you think, I mean,

371
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,040
Speaker 1: it's impossible really to answer this question, But do you

372
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:20,600
Speaker 1: think that had this not been your experience, had you

373
00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:24,399
Speaker 1: not had a child that you were forced to give

374
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,359
Speaker 1: up for adoption, and yet everything else remained the same,

375
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:30,480
Speaker 1: and you still were at that party that evening that

376
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,440
Speaker 1: your brother talked to you into going and you met

377
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:36,920
Speaker 1: this man, do you think that you would have married him? Yeah?

378
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,960
Speaker 1: I think I would have been in a totally different

379
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 1: space in my life. I know that having my son

380
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:46,960
Speaker 1: is having to give him a for adoption, changed my

381
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,679
Speaker 1: whole direction of my life. I would probably have stayed

382
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:55,600
Speaker 1: in Mississippi. Um, maybe not, but I would have gone

383
00:24:55,600 --> 00:25:00,280
Speaker 1: on to college. I would have had a totally different life. Ever,

384
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:05,119
Speaker 1: in my wildest dreams, would I have gotten married. That's

385
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,520
Speaker 1: quickly to somebody. I was able to admit to myself

386
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:14,960
Speaker 1: as I got older and raiser, that I used him.

387
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:20,240
Speaker 1: I I can't say that I'm this perfect angel. I

388
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:26,240
Speaker 1: used him to leave a bad situation. My parents would

389
00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,800
Speaker 1: not even talk to me about that it happened. My grandmother,

390
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:33,080
Speaker 1: who I adored and who loved me more than anything,

391
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:36,439
Speaker 1: would not talk to me about what happened. I was

392
00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:40,080
Speaker 1: mourning that home time for a baby. That it was

393
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: as if he had died, but you can't talk about it.

394
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,159
Speaker 1: It's a secret. Nobody is supposed to know that you

395
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,240
Speaker 1: did this, and God forbid as they do, what they're

396
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:50,720
Speaker 1: going to think of you? And what are they going

397
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 1: to think of the family. Laura and her husband have

398
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:58,440
Speaker 1: three boys together, but the marriage isn't a particularly happy one.

399
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:03,119
Speaker 1: After about a decade together, they split up. When we

400
00:26:03,119 --> 00:26:06,159
Speaker 1: were finally divorced. I had met my second husband on

401
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,400
Speaker 1: a soccer field where oldest boys were playing against each other,

402
00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:13,400
Speaker 1: and they were just very good friends who became very

403
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:18,200
Speaker 1: very close friends, and it just evolved into love, and

404
00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:21,440
Speaker 1: three years later I married him. We've been married thirty

405
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:29,120
Speaker 1: eight years. Now. Did you tell your first husband about Jamie? Yes?

406
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:33,879
Speaker 1: I told him before we got married because I felt

407
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 1: like he needed to know. I felt like he needed

408
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,280
Speaker 1: to know what I really who I really was, because

409
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:43,919
Speaker 1: in my mind I was damaged and I couldn't not

410
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:48,680
Speaker 1: tell him. I told him, and he um, he said

411
00:26:48,720 --> 00:26:52,639
Speaker 1: to me. We sat. He was shocked, and then he

412
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 1: said to me, don't Azra ever say anything about that again.

413
00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:03,000
Speaker 1: I don't ever anything to my parents about that. Promise

414
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 1: me you won't. And he said, and another thing, or

415
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 1: you gonna love me as much as you love this Jamie.

416
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,960
Speaker 1: And I said, court because I was trying in this

417
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:16,639
Speaker 1: spar and I said, of course, and and if we

418
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 1: have children. I loved him as much. But that was

419
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 1: his you know, his period on it. Years and years later,

420
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,479
Speaker 1: before my husband who got married to now and I

421
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:31,240
Speaker 1: got married, I told him, Remember, we had gone out

422
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 1: and we were sitting in a booth in a restaurant,

423
00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:35,120
Speaker 1: and I said, there's something I need to tell you

424
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:39,440
Speaker 1: that I've done, and I hope we won't think less

425
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 1: of me, And of course he was, how could I

426
00:27:43,520 --> 00:27:46,440
Speaker 1: think less of you? He's known me four years A

427
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:50,560
Speaker 1: couple of years now, hut. And we said I I

428
00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:53,600
Speaker 1: gave a baby for adoption, and he was like what,

429
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: And after I told him the story, put his arms

430
00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:01,120
Speaker 1: around me and he said, I'm so sorry you had

431
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,720
Speaker 1: to go through that, and do you want me to

432
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:08,840
Speaker 1: help you find him? Right then there I got wow,

433
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:16,440
Speaker 1: it's almost like a marriage test. Laura and her second husband, Jean,

434
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,600
Speaker 1: who have now been married for thirty eight years, raised

435
00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 1: their gang of five kids together in San Diego. Then,

436
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,680
Speaker 1: with their kids grown, Laura begins to focus on genealogy.

437
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:32,560
Speaker 1: I wanted to buy a family history for my children,

438
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,959
Speaker 1: and I was having so much fun doing this genealogy.

439
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: It's probably about ten years and I knew that DNA

440
00:28:39,360 --> 00:28:44,200
Speaker 1: was kids were available. During the thirty years in Jane

441
00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:47,880
Speaker 1: and I had been married. We very seldom talked about

442
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,160
Speaker 1: Jamie either because I would change the subject and we

443
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,880
Speaker 1: would try to bring it up. And I couldn't even

444
00:28:53,920 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 1: spun to terms with the fact that I might never

445
00:28:56,040 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 1: see my son again. And I mean to was the

446
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,040
Speaker 1: one who said to me, honey, let's do this be

447
00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,840
Speaker 1: an a kid thing, And I said, you, it might

448
00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:08,480
Speaker 1: be fun. But part of me knew that if my

449
00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:15,040
Speaker 1: son did this, we'd get connected. All her life, Laura

450
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,720
Speaker 1: had dreamt of a time she might meet her first son.

451
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:23,280
Speaker 1: At times she imagined letters, other times a blond man

452
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:25,880
Speaker 1: in a red car pulling up to her house and

453
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:30,640
Speaker 1: embracing her. Why was the man blonde? Why was the car? Read?

454
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 1: She didn't know. Our fantasies don't have to make sense.

455
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:44,880
Speaker 1: That night was October nine, I don't remember forever, and

456
00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:48,959
Speaker 1: we not to walk our dogs in my cell phone kings,

457
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:52,680
Speaker 1: I looked down and said answers Tom, and I thought,

458
00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, another you know, cousin from you know,

459
00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: fourteen hundreds or whatever, you know, And I was just

460
00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:01,200
Speaker 1: kind of guy, I'm not even gonna look at that.

461
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:02,840
Speaker 1: I want to go. I wanted to go to bed read.

462
00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:04,440
Speaker 1: I was reading a really good book and I just

463
00:30:04,480 --> 00:30:07,240
Speaker 1: wanted to go and read until I fell asleep. But

464
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,640
Speaker 1: something inside of me said, just look at it. So

465
00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,960
Speaker 1: I opened it up on my phone and there it

466
00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:20,880
Speaker 1: said parent child Match, and there was an email and

467
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:25,360
Speaker 1: within my private email, and it said I just received

468
00:30:25,400 --> 00:30:29,560
Speaker 1: my DNA profile and ancestry dot Com says we are

469
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:33,520
Speaker 1: a parent child match. I was adopted and I'm looking

470
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: for more information. Well I heard this saying they fell

471
00:30:40,720 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: to their knees. I know what that means. Now. My

472
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: knees buckled. I had the most gigantic physical reaction to

473
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 1: that email that they think I've ever had when reading something.

474
00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 1: My body started trembling. I couldn't talk. I was like

475
00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:11,000
Speaker 1: I could not speak. I was like petrified. I was petrified.

476
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,719
Speaker 1: I was terrilyzed. I just ran through my house. My

477
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,200
Speaker 1: husband thought the dogs. I was so stricken when I

478
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 1: ran in the house, and so he went on out

479
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 1: to get the dogs and get the whole time you think,

480
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 1: what is it? What is it? And I couldn't talk.

481
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:30,040
Speaker 1: I ran to my office, my home office, looked at

482
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:34,360
Speaker 1: the computer lockd inting a Tissot dot com. We read

483
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:38,680
Speaker 1: that over and over and my thought was it sounds

484
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:41,440
Speaker 1: so business like. It was just very direct, you know.

485
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:45,440
Speaker 1: And at the same time, the other side of me

486
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:50,760
Speaker 1: was just I just knew, I knew, and I do

487
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,560
Speaker 1: want to scare him. I was so emotional. I didn't

488
00:31:53,560 --> 00:31:56,760
Speaker 1: stop crying. My husband started crying when he came in

489
00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 1: the room, and he said to I think that's really him?

490
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:02,000
Speaker 1: And I said, from us, could it be? And he's crying,

491
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:05,560
Speaker 1: I'm crying, And I decided that what I'm going to

492
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:11,440
Speaker 1: do is right a very calm email back, and so

493
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:15,719
Speaker 1: he said, can you please tell me where you were

494
00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:22,120
Speaker 1: born and when? And maybe you know I can give

495
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:30,200
Speaker 1: you some information? Well right away? He right away, he

496
00:32:30,320 --> 00:32:34,320
Speaker 1: writes to me and says, I can't be talking to

497
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 1: my eighth N seven the Orleans, Sluisiana, and that I

498
00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:50,320
Speaker 1: knew it it was him. And here's what I wrote back,

499
00:32:50,400 --> 00:32:53,400
Speaker 1: Dahn and here's exact email. Do you go with it?

500
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:57,560
Speaker 1: Says I'm overcome, Please bear with me. I knew it

501
00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,880
Speaker 1: in the heart when I read your first message, I

502
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:05,320
Speaker 1: am your birth mother. Please let's connect. My email is

503
00:33:05,360 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 1: and I get my email and I said, do you

504
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,560
Speaker 1: want my phone number or me to call you. I

505
00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: never thought this day with Tom, that I always prayed

506
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,880
Speaker 1: you okay, and that you had a good life, and

507
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,800
Speaker 1: that some day, this day with Tom, and repeating myself,

508
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:23,480
Speaker 1: I am so grateful your birthday is sketched in my heart.

509
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: And then this man who had told me you know

510
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:34,160
Speaker 1: that he was so keeping it together, says I'm also

511
00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:38,000
Speaker 1: over time. I do have a wonderful life. After getting

512
00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:41,080
Speaker 1: the results last night, my wife and I found you

513
00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 1: on Facebook. You that's already have a wonderful life as well.

514
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,240
Speaker 1: I lived in Baton Rouge. I'm happily married. You have

515
00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:52,040
Speaker 1: three healthy and happy children. I grew up in Alexandria.

516
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:58,040
Speaker 1: I'm rambling. I didn't expect it, okay, I didn't expect

517
00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:02,000
Speaker 1: to be this emotional. I would like to connect, and

518
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:08,200
Speaker 1: that's when the emails take off, and it would America.

519
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 1: It was wonderful. Well, I'm crying too. You can't see

520
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 1: that because we're not in the same room. And I

521
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,840
Speaker 1: know you're a mother and I get your books, and

522
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:27,080
Speaker 1: I know any anybody who's ever ever had a child,

523
00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:30,960
Speaker 1: even if they knew they couldn't keep them, and even

524
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,960
Speaker 1: if they chose not to keep them themselves, it's just

525
00:34:35,160 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 1: such a it's such a tie there. It's like you

526
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:44,080
Speaker 1: can't ever your heart will never forget that person, that child, never.

527
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:48,120
Speaker 1: And here he was, in a flesh and blood riting

528
00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:51,560
Speaker 1: to me, and he had found me. And it weren't

529
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,919
Speaker 1: driving up to my parents house in a red car.

530
00:34:55,440 --> 00:35:00,360
Speaker 1: It was through the Internet and its DNA, which seven

531
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 1: none of us would have ever dreamed could even be possible.

532
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:10,719
Speaker 1: It was raculous, and I'm not kidding. I cried for

533
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:14,680
Speaker 1: and they were happy here, of course, for a good

534
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,640
Speaker 1: solid three months. I mean I couldn't. I couldn't get

535
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:22,759
Speaker 1: through a day without just breaking down. All those years

536
00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:30,360
Speaker 1: holding in that secret just started unraveling. It was insane

537
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:35,359
Speaker 1: and it was dutiful. We're going to take a quick break.

538
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:44,680
Speaker 1: We'll be back in a moment. Jamie, whose name given

539
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:48,000
Speaker 1: to him by his adoptive parents is Ray, and Laura

540
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,839
Speaker 1: make a plan to speak by phone that evening, after

541
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: he's put his children to bed. At seven on the dot,

542
00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:58,160
Speaker 1: he calls Laura. He says, I don't know why or how,

543
00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:02,320
Speaker 1: but I know his voice, and his voice is different

544
00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,400
Speaker 1: than my other son's. My other son John had a

545
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 1: paper voice. Of course, he has a southern accent to

546
00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: my other son. S don't this voice. I knew it.

547
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 1: I wouldn't know it anywhere. It resonated with me like

548
00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 1: I can't even explain. And he he laughed and said,

549
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:25,920
Speaker 1: you're just saying that because I'm saying Dtor were laughing,

550
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:30,720
Speaker 1: We're laughing. We were crying in eight after four hours.

551
00:36:33,360 --> 00:36:38,160
Speaker 1: It was great speaking of Laura's other sons. A kind

552
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:41,160
Speaker 1: of amazing thing had happened, which is that, in a

553
00:36:41,239 --> 00:36:44,040
Speaker 1: couple of years leading up to Jamie finding Laura online,

554
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:47,720
Speaker 1: Laura had begun to loosen her hold on her secrets.

555
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:50,839
Speaker 1: She revealed the truth about having given up a child

556
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 1: for adoption one day while she and Jean were meeting

557
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 1: with their attorney to discuss their wills. Shortly thereafter, she

558
00:36:58,120 --> 00:37:00,359
Speaker 1: told two out of three of her sons, the ones

559
00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:03,560
Speaker 1: who lived nearby. She didn't want to risk the chance

560
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 1: that one day they might find out after she was gone.

561
00:37:07,719 --> 00:37:09,520
Speaker 1: She also blurted out the story to one of her

562
00:37:09,520 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 1: best friends as they were taking a long walk in

563
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:15,040
Speaker 1: San Diego. It reminds me of a favorite quote from

564
00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:18,719
Speaker 1: the Scottish explorer W. H. Murray. When you are committed,

565
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:23,840
Speaker 1: the universe moves too. Now. She tells all three sons

566
00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:27,360
Speaker 1: about Jamie that they're in touch. Each of them has

567
00:37:27,400 --> 00:37:31,959
Speaker 1: a slightly different reaction, though ultimately all are supportive. Laura

568
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:34,680
Speaker 1: begins to tell her inner circle of friends, and with

569
00:37:34,840 --> 00:37:38,879
Speaker 1: each telling there's a burst of energy and joy, a celebration,

570
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:43,600
Speaker 1: a liberation and unburdening of a secret shame carried for

571
00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:48,680
Speaker 1: a lifetime. And once she shares her secret, the floodgates

572
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:54,279
Speaker 1: of memories start opening up. I started in the middle

573
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:57,920
Speaker 1: of the night, but remember the names of the girls,

574
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:05,040
Speaker 1: were sitting outside with my book or my magazine. I

575
00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:08,359
Speaker 1: would remember sitting in the guy we're eating with them,

576
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:12,680
Speaker 1: and all the you know things we did. We were

577
00:38:12,719 --> 00:38:16,719
Speaker 1: allowed to walk around the neighborhood, they were allowed to

578
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:19,200
Speaker 1: My parents came over a few times and took me

579
00:38:20,280 --> 00:38:25,400
Speaker 1: for the afternoon, and things like that began to just

580
00:38:25,760 --> 00:38:28,839
Speaker 1: like flood my memory. I could see him. I would

581
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:32,360
Speaker 1: always imagine him the way I would see him in

582
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 1: my memory. But I would think about him. It was

583
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:38,360
Speaker 1: always a baby, of course, and all of a sudden

584
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:42,080
Speaker 1: I could remember holding him. I could remember the weight

585
00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 1: of his body, um, this little body in my arms.

586
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:49,799
Speaker 1: And that's something. I felt so happy when I tell

587
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:55,000
Speaker 1: this story, because I want people to know that it's okay.

588
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,440
Speaker 1: It's okay that we remember these things. It's anything, it's

589
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,000
Speaker 1: it's the best thing in the room for us to

590
00:39:01,080 --> 00:39:04,040
Speaker 1: be able to talk about it, because then it actually

591
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:09,359
Speaker 1: makes us understand ourselves. And and I found a forgiveness

592
00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 1: for that girl that I didn't even realize I was

593
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:16,840
Speaker 1: holding this all against her. And it's like all of

594
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:21,000
Speaker 1: a sudden, I understood myself by finding him, for him

595
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:25,880
Speaker 1: finding me, I hustled down myself. And then Jamie tells

596
00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 1: Laura that he wants to meet her. That will come

597
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:31,680
Speaker 1: the next day, fly from New Orleans to San Diego.

598
00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:38,040
Speaker 1: I wasn't nervous wreck because when I said when I'm coming,

599
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 1: he said tomorrow. I am a fellow here. I was

600
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,760
Speaker 1: at ance for the girlfriend one of my deart's friends,

601
00:39:42,840 --> 00:39:45,640
Speaker 1: telling her she's crying. I'm telling her the story, and

602
00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:47,920
Speaker 1: he texts me. I jumped up from the launch and

603
00:39:48,040 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 1: I go, you know what I have to get to

604
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 1: the home. I drun by Trader Joe's. I have to

605
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,839
Speaker 1: get stuff hooked cooked. Um, I gotta clean the house.

606
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:56,800
Speaker 1: I mean, there's got here over the but you know,

607
00:39:56,880 --> 00:39:59,160
Speaker 1: I'm just and she's like, calmed down, He's not coming

608
00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:01,000
Speaker 1: till tomorrow, and I said, no, no, we have to leave.

609
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:04,040
Speaker 1: I text my husband he's with fishing buddies, and I'm like,

610
00:40:04,440 --> 00:40:07,760
Speaker 1: he's coming tomorrow. And he said, oh my god, okay,

611
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:10,000
Speaker 1: I'm leaving right now. I don't know what we thought

612
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 1: we're gonna do. But I rushed home. You know, just

613
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:15,759
Speaker 1: make sure everything's say before him in the guest room

614
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:19,800
Speaker 1: and I give a sign saying alcophone way waited. I

615
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:24,320
Speaker 1: don't think anything. So ever, then that expruciating and it

616
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:29,520
Speaker 1: was really long driveway. I hear this supercar coming up

617
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:32,359
Speaker 1: the driveway. I'm trying to be at calm, like I'm

618
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:35,000
Speaker 1: gonna be like hi. So when he walks in the

619
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:40,799
Speaker 1: depart I run out the door and run towards him,

620
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:45,799
Speaker 1: and he of course stopped in his tracks and puts

621
00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:50,239
Speaker 1: his arms around me. And it was beautiful. It was

622
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: like hugging any of my signs. The way he stopped

623
00:40:56,120 --> 00:41:01,719
Speaker 1: the way he just did which me, and there was

624
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:05,400
Speaker 1: no shyness. It was like we had known each other forever.

625
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: It was like any of my son's coming home, and

626
00:41:09,600 --> 00:41:13,200
Speaker 1: it was wonderful. We came in the house, we were

627
00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:16,440
Speaker 1: like glue to each other, jeans crying, kind of crying.

628
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 1: We sat and we talked, and we've never left each

629
00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:24,520
Speaker 1: other's side. I never cooked anything in the way that

630
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:33,000
Speaker 1: two days he was here. Six months before the evening

631
00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:35,879
Speaker 1: when her email pinned and she looked down to see

632
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:39,880
Speaker 1: the words a parent child match. Laura had written a

633
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: letter to her seventeen year old self, that lost, shamed, shunned,

634
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:49,120
Speaker 1: pregnant girl who wasn't even supposed to reveal her own name.

635
00:41:50,640 --> 00:41:53,280
Speaker 1: The letter was meant to be a reckoning with the past,

636
00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:56,080
Speaker 1: but it has since taken on a life of its own,

637
00:41:56,680 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 1: becoming a talisman, a wish and agreement between Laura and

638
00:42:01,239 --> 00:42:04,480
Speaker 1: the universe that somehow exists in the past, present, and

639
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:09,000
Speaker 1: future all at once. This letter is both an ending

640
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:16,400
Speaker 1: to Laura's story and the beginning. April twenty there, Zaura,

641
00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:19,640
Speaker 1: I know that you're facing one of the worst chapters

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00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:21,920
Speaker 1: in your life, and I have come back to you

643
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,879
Speaker 1: from the future to let You know, my dear girl,

644
00:42:25,280 --> 00:42:29,160
Speaker 1: that this two shill paths you are a survivor. Hold

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00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,960
Speaker 1: your head. I you have nothing to be ashamed. That

646
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:35,439
Speaker 1: you are a dutiful spirit and give to human being.

647
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,080
Speaker 1: It's so much to give. I know that your dreams

648
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: are still possible and that your life ahead will be

649
00:42:42,080 --> 00:42:46,520
Speaker 1: fulfilling beyond your wildest dreams. Although today you think you

650
00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:49,839
Speaker 1: are unworthy, Soon you will move away. You will move

651
00:42:49,880 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 1: across the country and reinvent yourself. You will become the

652
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:58,120
Speaker 1: mother's three more amazing son and too marvelous extra children

653
00:42:58,560 --> 00:43:01,040
Speaker 1: through an incredible marriage to the love of your life,

654
00:43:01,680 --> 00:43:06,000
Speaker 1: your knight and shine the armor, your soul mate. Eventually

655
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:10,680
Speaker 1: will become from the eatistics of our grandchildren. There will

656
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:13,360
Speaker 1: be the backbone that a good mother and a grandmother

657
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:17,520
Speaker 1: is for her family. Some of the lovely surprises will

658
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:20,319
Speaker 1: come your way, and it's time softens like you are

659
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:23,640
Speaker 1: going through right now. You will one day forgive and

660
00:43:23,800 --> 00:43:27,360
Speaker 1: love your parents again. You will come to terms the

661
00:43:27,400 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 1: way this loss of your son happened. You will understand

662
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:36,000
Speaker 1: the grief and loss that they too endured. Yes, you

663
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:39,000
Speaker 1: will always born your secret son. Not a day will

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00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:41,839
Speaker 1: pass that you do not. But one day you will

665
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:44,640
Speaker 1: be able to talk about him and write his and

666
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,520
Speaker 1: your story, and then you will say that yes, you

667
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:52,440
Speaker 1: are still loved and most importantly, you will learn to

668
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:58,239
Speaker 1: love yourself again. You deserve this. I adore you, your

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00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:13,200
Speaker 1: older self, Laura bar I'd like to thank my guest

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00:44:13,320 --> 00:44:16,600
Speaker 1: Laura Angle for sharing her story with us today. You

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00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:19,760
Speaker 1: can find out more about Laura at Laura l Angle

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00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:23,640
Speaker 1: dot com. Family Secrets is an I Heeart media production.

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00:44:24,040 --> 00:44:27,680
Speaker 1: Dylan Fagin is the supervising producer, Andrew Howard and Tristan

674
00:44:27,719 --> 00:44:30,759
Speaker 1: McNeil are the audio engineers, and Julie Douglas is the

675
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:35,160
Speaker 1: executive producer. Also a special thanks to producer Derek Clements

676
00:44:35,239 --> 00:44:38,160
Speaker 1: on this episode. If you have a family secret you'd

677
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,120
Speaker 1: like to share, you can get in touch with us

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00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:44,200
Speaker 1: at listener mail at Family Secrets podcast dot com, and

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00:44:44,320 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 1: you can also find us on Instagram at Danny Ryder

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00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:51,399
Speaker 1: and Facebook at Family Secrets Pod and Twitter at fam

681
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:55,560
Speaker 1: Secrets Pod. That's fam Secrets Pod. For more about my

682
00:44:55,640 --> 00:45:01,320
Speaker 1: book Inheritance, visit Danny Shapiro dot com. Boy you gonna

683
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:09,600
Speaker 1: bed my baby? Whisper A little wrap on me, my

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00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:10,440
Speaker 1: baby