WEBVTT - EP. 54 "What About Your Friends" with Danielle Bayard Jackson 0:00:00.600 --> 0:00:05.800 Talk Talk. We're just two unapologetically black women with an 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:12.200 opinion to talk about. What's up? Y'all. Welcome to a 0:00:12.200 --> 0:00:18.360 new episode that we talk back. It's your girl a J. Hey, hey, 0:00:18.440 --> 0:00:20.880 y'all listen till man. I love y'all. I missed y'all. Man, 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:25.040 I'm glad y'all came back to see us. What's up? Dang, 0:00:26.000 --> 0:00:30.000 not a damn thing? How was nothing? Nothing? Every week? Listen. 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:32.120 What I'm gonna start doing is when I'm gonna start doing. 0:00:32.240 --> 0:00:34.879 I'm gonna start off with my fucking weekend. Like you 0:00:34.880 --> 0:00:36.599 don't even have to ask me when I really got 0:00:36.600 --> 0:00:41.000 some ship going. I'm like, girl, I need to start 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:43.239 making up some ship. I'm gonna end you with your 0:00:43.240 --> 0:00:46.000 week what you did and tell me you gotta Hi 0:00:46.440 --> 0:00:49.320 speed Chase with the Polish. So I'm gonna start doing that. 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:56.160 I'm gonna started doing I would started fabricating my weekends, y'all. 0:00:56.680 --> 0:00:59.560 It's gonna be yeah, you already doing that, but that's 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:03.280 what I make it interested. How was your weekend? Friend, 0:01:05.240 --> 0:01:07.880 I had a good weekend. One of my homeboys he 0:01:07.959 --> 0:01:10.360 has like, of course, ide tickets to the game, and 0:01:10.360 --> 0:01:12.600 he was like, hey, I'm not going. You want the tickets. 0:01:12.880 --> 0:01:14.920 So I took my bestie and we went to the game, 0:01:14.959 --> 0:01:16.800 and I was like, had my feet on the hardwood. 0:01:18.680 --> 0:01:20.600 But guess what the scary part was? All right, So 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:22.240 first of all, I got a real drunk at the game. 0:01:22.280 --> 0:01:23.920 I had such a good time. It's a good time 0:01:24.680 --> 0:01:27.360 and Hornets is kicking ass. We won, so it was cool. 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:31.440 But somebody sent me a d M from a fake 0:01:31.560 --> 0:01:34.880 page with a video of me at the game. That 0:01:34.920 --> 0:01:36.720 should kind of scared me. I don't like that ship 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:39.480 you posted in your close friends, and it looked like 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:43.319 the person was leveled, so they had to been directly 0:01:43.360 --> 0:01:45.680 across from you on the other side of the fucking court. 0:01:46.920 --> 0:01:53.000 That's weird. Yeah, we already know it's a guy. I 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:56.920 bet you well if he had seas like mine sight, 0:01:57.000 --> 0:02:04.880 So right, so you can take me to the next game. Great, 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:07.400 But that's all I did, is we can. It was 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:10.040 snowy and Charlotte and then I flew to Atlanta. I'm 0:02:10.040 --> 0:02:12.519 in Atlanta right now, so I'm recording from the a 0:02:14.040 --> 0:02:16.919 I had. I came down to take a um A 0:02:16.960 --> 0:02:19.799 class so I can work on movie sets because I'm 0:02:19.800 --> 0:02:21.519 trying to get my You know, I'm trying to find 0:02:21.560 --> 0:02:24.799 my lane on the set. Whatever you gotta do. I'm 0:02:24.840 --> 0:02:27.799 trying to be an actress. You know that you gotta do, y'all. Yeah. 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:31.720 So one of my best friends has a salon to 0:02:31.919 --> 0:02:35.760 set course that she's been doing for these plutician holes, 0:02:35.960 --> 0:02:38.600 and Tammy attended her class this weekend. I like, on 0:02:38.720 --> 0:02:42.720 my friends could be it was so good, y'all gotta 0:02:42.760 --> 0:02:45.080 take her class. Uh you know, I'll tell y'all when 0:02:45.120 --> 0:02:48.040 another one is gonna happen. So y'all can't take the 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:51.040 class because yeah, it was really good. It was fun. 0:02:51.080 --> 0:02:53.480 I learned a lot, and I'm gonna be on set 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:56.840 a lot of should be happening in Charlotte, Like a 0:02:56.840 --> 0:02:59.440 lot of movies and stuff they'd be doing in Charlotte, 0:02:59.440 --> 0:03:03.639 filming in in Atlanta right down the street, can pull 0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:06.840 up Charleston even have a lot of films. Flights flight 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:10.400 thirty four minutes. Talk to be having the play films though, girl, 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:16.959 that bullshit. Yeah maybe having the slaves. Don't be talking 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:29.120 about my people like that, not like that. I just joke, yo. 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:35.400 Speaking of friendships, Yeah, we got a friendship coach coming 0:03:35.440 --> 0:03:39.520 on the show today. But before we get into that. 0:03:39.640 --> 0:03:42.000 Let's talk about something stupid ass and then that ship. 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:47.800 Oh man, So I saw a video this weekend and 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:51.520 they say it's a little baby sucking the big old 0:03:51.520 --> 0:03:54.880 boy her booty. Her booty looked funny though on it 0:03:54.880 --> 0:03:56.840 it was a square on the side like it was 0:03:56.960 --> 0:04:05.960 round square pets. But now I see why. I little 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:09.320 Jadeny try to work with her mother like a family job. 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:12.680 I see why. Yeah, they need to call him baby baby. 0:04:15.800 --> 0:04:19.800 That thing was nice. I sent that picture that I 0:04:19.839 --> 0:04:21.640 mean when I tell you, I sent that video to 0:04:21.960 --> 0:04:24.720 every woman I know and my damn cell phone. It 0:04:24.920 --> 0:04:27.719 came in, Oh you sent me there, and I sent 0:04:27.760 --> 0:04:31.160 it back. A year later, it came in on our 0:04:31.200 --> 0:04:33.400 group chat. I was like, who is that? And then 0:04:33.400 --> 0:04:36.560 I had to listen. Now somebody said little baby. But 0:04:36.600 --> 0:04:39.799 I didn't read the text initially, I just watched the video. 0:04:40.400 --> 0:04:43.480 But I heard his voice. That was definitely little baby. 0:04:44.240 --> 0:04:51.480 M hmm, that's my baby. I know that's the baby thing. 0:04:51.520 --> 0:04:54.720 That nah, that's the baby. Look now I need to 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:59.360 see his dick. He was real. No, you know who did? 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:02.760 I need to see NBA? Young boy? That's who is he? 0:05:02.880 --> 0:05:08.320 A t right? Yes? I think or something like that 0:05:08.360 --> 0:05:12.360 at this point, because I'm seeing where a little blue 0:05:13.040 --> 0:05:16.800 got his name tattoo in her mouth. It's a ken 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:19.200 trail in her mouth. Then the other one got his 0:05:19.279 --> 0:05:21.560 name tattooed on her, and one ain't got her arm. 0:05:21.600 --> 0:05:23.880 Don't even work no more behind that nigga, Like, I 0:05:24.000 --> 0:05:26.600 want to see his dick get better. Being all these kids, 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:29.400 all these kids this nigga has, like I don't know 0:05:29.440 --> 0:05:32.280 how many kids, six seven, eight kids. Here's a lot 0:05:32.279 --> 0:05:35.840 of boys too. I just feel like all these little 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:37.640 girls need to make sure they had these kids in 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.479 therapy as early as possible because that dude is not well. 0:05:40.600 --> 0:05:44.080 Y'all around here just accepting that DNA. Wait, wait, y'all, 0:05:44.160 --> 0:05:48.159 mom at that would be a nigga in Charleston where 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:50.600 you know Grandma be like, don't you you better not 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:56.920 get pregnant by him? His people crazy l mm hmmm, right, 0:05:57.240 --> 0:05:59.520 don't what do NBA stand for? I don't know something, 0:05:59.520 --> 0:06:03.520 get oship. I'm sure nut busting man because he'd be 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:19.239 making all the kids yeah yeah, oh no no. Also, um, 0:06:19.440 --> 0:06:24.719 Regina King, that was sad her son, he passed away. 0:06:25.360 --> 0:06:27.440 I love her and I wish I could hug her, 0:06:27.520 --> 0:06:31.320 right now like that's so sad he committed suicide. Suicide 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:35.200 is just isn't it so much pandemic that they didn't 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:37.160 talk about the real epidemic. It's a lot of people 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:41.560 who have committed suicide since um the pandemic started. The 0:06:41.640 --> 0:06:47.920 pandemics started between pandemic, but suicide and uh fitting All 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:50.280 because I saw reports that fitting All is killing more 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:52.400 young people than anything else in the world right now. 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:55.360 These young people are just dying at because you know why, 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:58.400 they're getting fitting All off the damn dark web, probably 0:06:58.440 --> 0:07:01.640 coming from China, some ship, probably attentional. We're killing motherfucker's 0:07:01.640 --> 0:07:04.679 over here, Like y'all better be careful. I just don't. 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.040 I just don't get it. And it's it's like we 0:07:07.120 --> 0:07:10.520 are not living as long as we think we are, 0:07:10.640 --> 0:07:13.360 Like you know, the older people on my dad's side 0:07:13.400 --> 0:07:15.800 of the family, Like it's more older people than young 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:19.040 at this point. Like people just keep dying, bitch. I'mna 0:07:19.080 --> 0:07:21.000 keep going to jem make sure my heart is healthy 0:07:21.040 --> 0:07:22.920 and ship like that. I got to lose a pound, 0:07:22.960 --> 0:07:27.080 but I know my ship good. That's one thing you 0:07:27.160 --> 0:07:29.880 always go Shrooms is like a hard drug. It's just 0:07:29.920 --> 0:07:33.640 not it is man that ship could open up your 0:07:33.640 --> 0:07:35.920 third eye and then never close it, and then you'd 0:07:35.920 --> 0:07:39.600 be out here. You be out here the Angelo, The 0:07:39.720 --> 0:07:44.040 Angelo do shrooms, you look like now, he'd probably be 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:47.560 doing what's that should call? Um? You know they go 0:07:47.560 --> 0:07:50.800 out in the desert and do it? What's it called? 0:07:52.720 --> 0:07:55.840 It's not shrows, beccause we're out in the woods one 0:07:55.960 --> 0:07:58.640 with the earth doing. Did you see boosting this weekend? 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:04.480 He was sucking the road up right, He was literally 0:08:04.560 --> 0:08:07.320 fucking the road, go kill everybody in the car, stupid 0:08:07.360 --> 0:08:11.360 and stick and humping driving. He might have been He 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:15.560 might have been on Molly, because that's molly all day long. 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:22.920 The fuck Boosty is fun, man Boosty remind me. Yeah, 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:25.160 I'm not gonna do any like we I'm just gonna 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:29.400 stick to the look in the weed, like Drake. Even 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:31.920 alcohols don't make me feel good, you know what I'm saying, 0:08:31.920 --> 0:08:36.520 Like I only can drink Don Julio, and really that's it, 0:08:37.559 --> 0:08:41.040 and i'd like um. Another thing that doesn't make me 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:44.240 feel bad is do say but everything else my body 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:50.120 doesn't process the same anymore. Yeah, yeah, the next day 0:08:50.120 --> 0:08:52.520 is no matter. How I could have like to two cups, 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:55.320 like to drinks and I'm feeling bad the next day, 0:08:55.360 --> 0:08:58.440 So I don't like that. What about wine and champagne? 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:00.199 You can drink wine make me feel like I want 0:09:00.200 --> 0:09:02.079 to slip my wrist. It's like too much of a 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:05.679 downer for me, like I like. It alters my personality, 0:09:05.679 --> 0:09:09.040 and my personality is outgoing, like I'm up crump like 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:11.600 I don't want to feel like I'm gonna be quiet. 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:14.600 That's why I only smoke weed when I'm about to 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:16.440 have sex, because I want to get this dick and 0:09:16.440 --> 0:09:21.640 go to sleep. I cannot be smoking weed like out 0:09:21.640 --> 0:09:24.200 in the world. I'd be no good to anybody. No, 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:28.520 I can't. You want to add a little coke with 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:31.040 spreaking little I don't want to do that no more, 0:09:31.960 --> 0:09:34.320 just sing I said. I used to want to do that, 0:09:34.400 --> 0:09:36.720 just to see what it felt like one time. Alright, 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:39.760 y'all judge me. If y'all want so, your mama's did 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:47.640 it their whole life. Shut up the smoke crack. Yeah, listen, 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:51.679 it's got a commercial, and let's talk about my friendship. 0:09:52.240 --> 0:09:59.640 Out of here. We'll be back, y'all. All right, y'all, 0:09:59.679 --> 0:10:03.760 So look, today's guest is a mom, a wife, and 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:09.040 amongst other things, she's a professional bestie. Y'all, we have 0:10:09.160 --> 0:10:13.600 Danielle Bayer Jackson. Um. She's an friendship expert. She also 0:10:14.120 --> 0:10:18.480 is the author of New York Times bestseller Fighting Fall Friendships. 0:10:18.520 --> 0:10:20.200 And we want to talk about that big as book 0:10:20.200 --> 0:10:24.520 deal you got too, girl. Yeah it has. It hasn't 0:10:24.559 --> 0:10:26.839 come out yet, and it's not so it's not yet 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:31.120 a New York Terms bestseller. But I mean so, I'm 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.040 glad that you just said that. Yes, I claim it, 0:10:33.080 --> 0:10:38.000 I claim it. Yes it is it already is girl? Listen, listen. 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:40.200 I'm so grateful to have you on here today because 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:43.000 I just be losing these bitches listen right, I'm I 0:10:43.040 --> 0:10:45.360 don't know, is it me? Do I not know how 0:10:45.360 --> 0:10:47.720 to be a good friend? Or are these I'm picking 0:10:47.800 --> 0:10:51.720 bad bitches to be my friend? You know, I don't know. Yeah, 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:53.920 this bitch right here fall out at least twice. It's 0:10:54.000 --> 0:10:56.400 different though, Like we're gonna have issues since we got 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.160 a friendship and business together, so it's gonna be different. 0:10:59.760 --> 0:11:03.679 But you gotta be able to communicate, right yeah. So, um, 0:11:04.120 --> 0:11:07.160 y'all listen. Danielle is committed to helping women make and 0:11:07.320 --> 0:11:13.520 keep friends. Um. So she's a professional, uh certified woman's coach, right, 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:17.439 friendship coach? That's right. Yeah, people always give me side eye, 0:11:17.520 --> 0:11:21.400 like is that a thing? It's totally a thing. Yeah, 0:11:21.440 --> 0:11:23.160 it needs to be a thing, because you know what, 0:11:23.280 --> 0:11:25.959 I feel like women like I would let them nigga 0:11:26.000 --> 0:11:28.840 hurt my feelings a hundred times and take them back. 0:11:28.960 --> 0:11:31.160 But a bitch hurt my feelings and I'd be like, bitch, 0:11:31.360 --> 0:11:35.480 you dead to me forever. You're not the only one 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:37.880 that's a common one, right, is that we'll give you know, 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.640 our our boyfriend's husband so many chances, but then when 0:11:40.640 --> 0:11:42.280 it comes to a friend, like, oh no, she crossed 0:11:42.280 --> 0:11:45.800 my boundaries. Once you're done. I think we have our 0:11:45.840 --> 0:11:48.360 friends on a different you know, we we have we 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:50.600 hold them in higher regard than we hold men. Right, 0:11:50.800 --> 0:11:53.240 So it's like friends aren't supposed to suck up. That's 0:11:53.280 --> 0:11:56.199 how we feel about our home girls, right, but guys 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:58.679 like we expect them to keep messing up. When your 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:02.959 friend does, it is like what the fuck? But that's 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.600 so fake because we're all just human, right, you know, 0:12:07.280 --> 0:12:10.360 nobody's gonna be perfect. That's so true. I wish we 0:12:10.480 --> 0:12:12.800 brought more of that perspective when it happens, because when 0:12:12.800 --> 0:12:15.400 it happens, we're so deeply offended. I wonder if the 0:12:15.480 --> 0:12:18.520 reason for that, you know, discrepancy between how we are 0:12:18.559 --> 0:12:19.960 with men and then how we are with you know, 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:22.359 our female friends, is because a lot of the conversation 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:25.040 leading up to those relationships. So even when you are 0:12:25.040 --> 0:12:27.400 reading a book or listening to a podcast about relationships, 0:12:27.440 --> 0:12:30.720 we're talking about forgiveness and communication and how to work 0:12:30.760 --> 0:12:33.360 through you know, what you think is a betrayal. So 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:35.600 it's almost understood that he's going to mess up and 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:37.120 we're gonna have to talk about it, Like I I 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:40.360 anticipate that. But the language around friendship is so you know, 0:12:40.400 --> 0:12:43.320 even from when we're young, it's best friends forever and 0:12:43.400 --> 0:12:45.880 you just get me and friendship should be easy. So 0:12:45.920 --> 0:12:47.840 that's a lot of the conversation. So once we do 0:12:48.000 --> 0:12:50.960 hit some kind of conflict, we are not ready to 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:52.960 have a conflict with our friend, and we see it 0:12:53.000 --> 0:12:55.840 as evidence of, oh, we shouldn't be friends, because if 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.240 we were friends, we wouldn't even be having a difficult 0:12:58.240 --> 0:12:59.840 time right now. And so a lot of it is 0:12:59.880 --> 0:13:02.960 the is the language about those relationships before we even 0:13:02.960 --> 0:13:06.840 get into them. Yeah, and you're you're right. That's because 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:08.880 it's further from the truth. I know, Like with me, 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:12.280 all right, So I can be blunt, and sometimes my 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:24.520 tone can be uh misunderstood, misunderstood, off bit off putting, girl, 0:13:24.559 --> 0:13:29.760 fuck you, And I feel like I lose friendships because 0:13:30.720 --> 0:13:34.920 I'll be honest and maybe my honesty comes off. As 0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:39.040 you already know, black women got a problem with accountability, 0:13:39.080 --> 0:13:40.800 So let's go ahead and put that out there. Anyway. 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:43.000 So sometimes when we get called out, we just don't 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:45.160 like it, you know what I'm saying. We just don't 0:13:45.200 --> 0:13:48.120 like it, and it's hard for us to uh say 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:52.080 you're right. And so all right, I'm gonna give an example. 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:54.320 I just one of my friends that I've been like 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:59.440 really close with for a while. I said, um, I 0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:02.440 feel like you've in uh sometime, he asked friend lately 0:14:03.240 --> 0:14:05.680 and she just did not take that well. And she 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:08.520 was like, well, I'll just keep my distance. And that's 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:10.679 not what I wanted. I wanted her to be like, hey, 0:14:10.760 --> 0:14:12.959 I'm gonna do better at being at present for him, 0:14:13.360 --> 0:14:17.040 but instead she offered more distance and that made me 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:19.200 more mad. So I was on something well, bitch, fuck 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:23.280 you then, like and so it just went completely left 0:14:23.520 --> 0:14:26.480 instead of the direction I was trying to go with it. 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:31.040 That so that's so interesting because the goal of conflict 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:33.880 should be reconciliation. Like I'm bringing this up because i 0:14:33.920 --> 0:14:36.680 want harmony with you, because I'm trying to figure this out. 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:39.200 That's the objective of me bringing it up. But so much, 0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:41.520 you know, so many times we do take offense and 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:44.040 we're like a lot of us are not comfortable, like 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:46.080 you said, with being called out, and so when we 0:14:46.120 --> 0:14:48.880 are called out, even if ironically it's coming from a 0:14:48.920 --> 0:14:52.320 friend we love, we're so uncomfortable that to keep our distance, 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:54.880 we're like, Okay, well I don't want to experience that again. 0:14:55.080 --> 0:14:57.480 Or or I guess she doesn't care about me the 0:14:57.480 --> 0:14:59.160 way I thought, or I guess she's coming at me. 0:14:59.200 --> 0:15:01.760 So I'm gonna either or emotionally withdraw, or I'm going 0:15:01.800 --> 0:15:04.680 to be passive aggressive because I'm not comfortable with being 0:15:04.680 --> 0:15:06.480 called out. And so I think what could help that 0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:08.440 is as much as possible on the front end, if 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:10.400 I am bringing up something she did that I think 0:15:10.480 --> 0:15:13.640 was kind of crazy, is to articulate that the goal 0:15:13.680 --> 0:15:15.320 of me bringing it up is because I'm trying to 0:15:15.400 --> 0:15:18.080 understand and so that could have been changed. I mean, 0:15:18.080 --> 0:15:20.080 like one small little change you could have made, and 0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:21.760 you could have made this, you know, make this your own. 0:15:22.040 --> 0:15:23.880 It could have been something to the effect of, like, Okay, 0:15:23.880 --> 0:15:25.520 so help me understand what's going on, because I don't 0:15:25.560 --> 0:15:27.040 hear from me as much as I used to. I'm 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:30.000 communicating to you that I'm trying to understand you. The 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:31.880 point of me bringing this up because I don't get it. 0:15:32.040 --> 0:15:34.000 I'm not bringing it up because I'm coming at you, 0:15:34.400 --> 0:15:36.960 and so, you know, Unfortunately, I wish you would have said, like, 0:15:37.000 --> 0:15:39.040 oh wait, why do you think I'm being sometimeing? Okay, 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:42.320 that's my bad, which does require a level of humility, right, 0:15:42.360 --> 0:15:45.040 But she probably also was unsure about your objective and 0:15:45.080 --> 0:15:47.440 bringing it up, which was I don't want you to 0:15:47.440 --> 0:15:49.320 be sometime anymore. I want you to correct it. I 0:15:49.320 --> 0:15:51.240 don't want you to leave, you know. And so there's 0:15:51.280 --> 0:15:52.840 a bunch of stuff that that happens there when we 0:15:52.840 --> 0:15:56.320 get called out how we perceive it and uh, and yeah, 0:15:56.320 --> 0:15:58.560 it cost us a lot of friendships. Sure, Oh god, 0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:01.840 it's exhausting learning how to tell the people. We gotta 0:16:01.880 --> 0:16:04.120 be a therapist, like I don't. I went and notice 0:16:04.120 --> 0:16:07.400 say though, say it in that way for someone to understand, 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:09.600 but we understand. You have to communicate with people in 0:16:09.640 --> 0:16:16.480 a way that they receive it. It's hard to hell, right, yeah, 0:16:16.720 --> 0:16:19.720 especially for me because I just think, uh, in the 0:16:19.840 --> 0:16:22.760 environment that I grew up in, everybody's like really blunt 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:27.960 and real forward, and nobody takes offense to like that directness, 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:30.360 you know, like it's just how we I grew up 0:16:30.800 --> 0:16:34.400 being talked to and speaking to others. It's just very direct. 0:16:34.800 --> 0:16:36.920 This is what it is. And I'm not gonna cry. 0:16:37.000 --> 0:16:39.600 We're not gonna cry about it. We're just gonna argue 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:42.320 about it, perhaps talk about it, and then fix it. 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:44.600 That was just the dynamic that I grew up in. 0:16:45.000 --> 0:16:47.560 So now when I get in my adult relationships and 0:16:47.640 --> 0:16:51.840 I approached it that way, I lose these bitches is 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:54.040 falling left and right soon as I say something about 0:16:54.080 --> 0:16:56.320 how let me ask you this. The friend you gave 0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:58.200 the example of wasout a newer friend or some of 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:01.440 you've been friends with for a while, oh probably about 0:17:01.520 --> 0:17:05.440 three years, Okay, so newer. It's not a lifetime friendship, 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:09.199 but we got close fast, you know. So when I 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:12.159 tell her, like you've been absent. That's what basically I 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:14.600 was like, you've been absent, and it was during the 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:18.480 time where I needed her friendship in that time, and 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:21.119 I was trying to express that, but instead I was 0:17:21.200 --> 0:17:24.040 met with like, girl, fuck you even more. That's how 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:26.800 I felt like. Her response was, yeah, No. The reason 0:17:26.840 --> 0:17:28.320 I asked about okay, was it new or do you 0:17:28.359 --> 0:17:30.359 guys have a lot of history together is because a 0:17:30.359 --> 0:17:32.040 lot of times, when we've been friends with somebody for 0:17:32.080 --> 0:17:35.040 a while, they've seen enough of our character to be 0:17:35.080 --> 0:17:37.600 able to absorb how we deliver things. Now. That doesn't 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:39.080 mean we can take advantage and talk to them any 0:17:39.119 --> 0:17:41.280 kind of way. But if I do say something like 0:17:41.640 --> 0:17:43.400 you know, where have you been? I haven't heard from 0:17:43.400 --> 0:17:45.879 you in like a year or whatever, they know that 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:48.000 I'm not trying them or coming at them because they 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:50.639 can measure that. They can weigh that against all they 0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:52.560 know of me. Sometimes for newer friends, they don't have 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:55.040 that context. So if I say something a certain way 0:17:55.080 --> 0:17:58.120 and they don't like it or whatever, they were trying 0:17:58.160 --> 0:17:59.640 to fill in the gap because they're like, they don't 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:01.640 have enough context. They don't know me like that yet, 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:03.440 so they don't realize that, yeah, I may have said 0:18:03.440 --> 0:18:06.080 it kind of harsh, but it's really because the way 0:18:06.119 --> 0:18:08.240 I am, that's how I'm trying to tell you that 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:10.480 I missed you, like I wish I could have saw 0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:12.040 you more over the past year. And that's my way 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:14.360 of communicating it. And so a lot of times too, 0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:16.400 when we bring up conflict for the very first time, 0:18:16.640 --> 0:18:18.400 and you know, that's tricky, like if you're if you're 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:20.320 cool with a girl, it's easy. You feel like, man, 0:18:20.400 --> 0:18:22.520 we are so in sync, and the first time she 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:25.240 does something that rubs you the wrong way, sometimes you're like, Okay, 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:27.360 how do I bring this up here? Because we've never 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:29.679 done this before. It's always fun with us. How do 0:18:29.760 --> 0:18:32.440 I suddenly tell her that wasn't cool? Because I don't 0:18:32.480 --> 0:18:34.400 know her style yet. I don't know if she's gonna 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:36.400 be sensitive. I don't know if she's going to throw 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:38.919 this back at me, And so it's always it feels 0:18:38.920 --> 0:18:40.439 like a risk the first time you bring it up 0:18:40.480 --> 0:18:43.720 with a new friend, something that's not exactly so pleasant, 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:45.479 and some for a lot of us, have to make 0:18:45.520 --> 0:18:49.720 her break moment. You know, see, I I never even 0:18:49.760 --> 0:18:52.479 consider that, Like I don't even consider like, how do 0:18:52.560 --> 0:18:55.000 I approach this and maybe that's something I should do 0:18:55.080 --> 0:18:57.720 more of, Like I just approach it the way I 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:00.639 know how, which is very directed for it, like you 0:19:00.680 --> 0:19:03.080 don't ever have to worry about how I'm feeling or 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:06.959 what you see. That's the thing. Also now that depends 0:19:06.960 --> 0:19:09.520 on how you're communicating with them, like the technology. If 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:12.520 you're just talking to them verbally, they can understand your 0:19:12.560 --> 0:19:15.600 demeanor how you feel when you're set talking, but via text, 0:19:15.640 --> 0:19:18.600 you leave it up to your reata to determine how 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:22.040 you feel your demeanor behind the text message. So I 0:19:22.160 --> 0:19:25.399 recently had a thing. This is one of my best friends, 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:28.040 like her birthdays like two days before mine, and we've 0:19:28.080 --> 0:19:31.320 been friends. I want friends over problems, maybe like fifteen 0:19:31.359 --> 0:19:35.480 years maybe and we I haven't spoken her in two weeks, 0:19:35.640 --> 0:19:37.960 and bitch, if you're listening, I feel some type of ways. 0:19:38.240 --> 0:19:42.119 But whatever. And my last message to her was, Hey, 0:19:42.280 --> 0:19:45.880 when you get a moment, i'd like to um go 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:49.320 over this text thread. You know. She didn't even respond 0:19:49.359 --> 0:19:51.480 to that, and I still haven't spoken to her because 0:19:51.480 --> 0:19:54.720 I felt attacked via text and I I like to 0:19:54.720 --> 0:19:56.400 make sure I'm not tripping, like I'll call it hamm 0:19:56.400 --> 0:19:58.240 me all the time, like let me tell you what happened. 0:19:58.240 --> 0:20:02.400 Am I tripping before I dressed the situation with somebody else? Right? 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:04.920 I wanna get with somebody else that knows me, knows 0:20:04.960 --> 0:20:06.960 my character to make sure I'm not the one that's tripping. 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:10.280 We do it, we both do it. But yeah, I 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:12.360 haven't talked to that. I haven't spoken to that bitch, 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:14.439 and I feel some type of way about it. And 0:20:14.480 --> 0:20:16.360 I feel like I'm always the one to reach out 0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:19.040 to my friends because I value my friendship. So whatever 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:22.160 spat we got going on, like, I want to make 0:20:22.160 --> 0:20:26.159 sure we talked about it. We don't even have to 0:20:26.160 --> 0:20:28.360 say who's right or wrong. It's just like change behavior 0:20:28.359 --> 0:20:31.080 on both ends. You know what I'm saying. So why 0:20:31.119 --> 0:20:33.520 haven't you reached out again? Why should I? If she 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:37.800 ignored my last text message? And the last time, maybe 0:20:37.840 --> 0:20:40.360 ten years ago, we had an issue, I reached out 0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:43.920 and I wasn't at fault. We confirmed I wasn't at fault. 0:20:44.200 --> 0:20:45.879 She just was feeling some type of way. Why do 0:20:45.960 --> 0:20:48.320 I have to always be the friend to value the 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:51.520 friendship more than the other person to make sure we're good. 0:20:51.880 --> 0:20:54.480 I don't feel like doing that this time. And I'm older, 0:20:54.520 --> 0:20:56.720 like I'm not. I don't. I don't smash women, so 0:20:56.760 --> 0:21:02.600 I don't really care how women feel anymore, like I'm 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:06.760 not women have That's what we talk about. Yes, I 0:21:06.800 --> 0:21:08.760 know what we're talking about. And women be having Some 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:12.000 women have like really nasty attitudes, and men will deal 0:21:12.080 --> 0:21:14.159 with that. Men will deal with our attitude because they 0:21:14.160 --> 0:21:16.199 want sex from us. I don't want sex from you, 0:21:16.240 --> 0:21:20.280 so I'm not dealing with your attitude. Okay, I have 0:21:20.400 --> 0:21:23.879 never heard that before. That's very that is very interesting. 0:21:23.920 --> 0:21:25.680