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Speaker 1: Talk Talk. We're just two unapologetically black women with an

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Speaker 1: opinion to talk about. What's up? Y'all. Welcome to a

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Speaker 1: new episode that we talk back. It's your girl a J. Hey, hey,

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Speaker 1: y'all listen till man. I love y'all. I missed y'all. Man,

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Speaker 1: I'm glad y'all came back to see us. What's up? Dang,

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Speaker 1: not a damn thing? How was nothing? Nothing? Every week? Listen.

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Speaker 1: What I'm gonna start doing is when I'm gonna start doing.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna start off with my fucking weekend. Like you

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Speaker 1: don't even have to ask me when I really got

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Speaker 1: some ship going. I'm like, girl, I need to start

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Speaker 1: making up some ship. I'm gonna end you with your

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Speaker 1: week what you did and tell me you gotta Hi

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Speaker 1: speed Chase with the Polish. So I'm gonna start doing that.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna started doing I would started fabricating my weekends, y'all.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna be yeah, you already doing that, but that's

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Speaker 1: what I make it interested. How was your weekend? Friend,

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Speaker 1: I had a good weekend. One of my homeboys he

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Speaker 1: has like, of course, ide tickets to the game, and

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Speaker 1: he was like, hey, I'm not going. You want the tickets.

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Speaker 1: So I took my bestie and we went to the game,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, had my feet on the hardwood.

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Speaker 1: But guess what the scary part was? All right, So

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Speaker 1: first of all, I got a real drunk at the game.

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Speaker 1: I had such a good time. It's a good time

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Speaker 1: and Hornets is kicking ass. We won, so it was cool.

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Speaker 1: But somebody sent me a d M from a fake

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Speaker 1: page with a video of me at the game. That

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Speaker 1: should kind of scared me. I don't like that ship

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Speaker 1: you posted in your close friends, and it looked like

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Speaker 1: the person was leveled, so they had to been directly

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Speaker 1: across from you on the other side of the fucking court.

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Speaker 1: That's weird. Yeah, we already know it's a guy. I

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Speaker 1: bet you well if he had seas like mine sight,

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Speaker 1: So right, so you can take me to the next game. Great,

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Speaker 1: But that's all I did, is we can. It was

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Speaker 1: snowy and Charlotte and then I flew to Atlanta. I'm

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Speaker 1: in Atlanta right now, so I'm recording from the a

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Speaker 1: I had. I came down to take a um A

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Speaker 1: class so I can work on movie sets because I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to get my You know, I'm trying to find

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Speaker 1: my lane on the set. Whatever you gotta do. I'm

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Speaker 1: trying to be an actress. You know that you gotta do, y'all. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So one of my best friends has a salon to

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Speaker 1: set course that she's been doing for these plutician holes,

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Speaker 1: and Tammy attended her class this weekend. I like, on

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Speaker 1: my friends could be it was so good, y'all gotta

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Speaker 1: take her class. Uh you know, I'll tell y'all when

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Speaker 1: another one is gonna happen. So y'all can't take the

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Speaker 1: class because yeah, it was really good. It was fun.

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Speaker 1: I learned a lot, and I'm gonna be on set

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Speaker 1: a lot of should be happening in Charlotte, Like a

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Speaker 1: lot of movies and stuff they'd be doing in Charlotte,

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Speaker 1: filming in in Atlanta right down the street, can pull

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Speaker 1: up Charleston even have a lot of films. Flights flight

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Speaker 1: thirty four minutes. Talk to be having the play films though, girl,

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Speaker 1: that bullshit. Yeah maybe having the slaves. Don't be talking

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Speaker 1: about my people like that, not like that. I just joke, yo.

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Speaker 1: Speaking of friendships, Yeah, we got a friendship coach coming

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Speaker 1: on the show today. But before we get into that.

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Speaker 1: Let's talk about something stupid ass and then that ship.

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Speaker 1: Oh man, So I saw a video this weekend and

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Speaker 1: they say it's a little baby sucking the big old

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Speaker 1: boy her booty. Her booty looked funny though on it

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Speaker 1: it was a square on the side like it was

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Speaker 1: round square pets. But now I see why. I little

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Speaker 1: Jadeny try to work with her mother like a family job.

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Speaker 1: I see why. Yeah, they need to call him baby baby.

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Speaker 1: That thing was nice. I sent that picture that I

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Speaker 1: mean when I tell you, I sent that video to

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Speaker 1: every woman I know and my damn cell phone. It

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Speaker 1: came in, Oh you sent me there, and I sent

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Speaker 1: it back. A year later, it came in on our

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Speaker 1: group chat. I was like, who is that? And then

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Speaker 1: I had to listen. Now somebody said little baby. But

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Speaker 1: I didn't read the text initially, I just watched the video.

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Speaker 1: But I heard his voice. That was definitely little baby.

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Speaker 1: M hmm, that's my baby. I know that's the baby thing.

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Speaker 1: That nah, that's the baby. Look now I need to

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Speaker 1: see his dick. He was real. No, you know who did?

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Speaker 1: I need to see NBA? Young boy? That's who is he?

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Speaker 1: A t right? Yes? I think or something like that

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Speaker 1: at this point, because I'm seeing where a little blue

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Speaker 1: got his name tattoo in her mouth. It's a ken

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Speaker 1: trail in her mouth. Then the other one got his

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Speaker 1: name tattooed on her, and one ain't got her arm.

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Speaker 1: Don't even work no more behind that nigga, Like, I

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Speaker 1: want to see his dick get better. Being all these kids,

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Speaker 1: all these kids this nigga has, like I don't know

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Speaker 1: how many kids, six seven, eight kids. Here's a lot

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Speaker 1: of boys too. I just feel like all these little

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Speaker 1: girls need to make sure they had these kids in

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Speaker 1: therapy as early as possible because that dude is not well.

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Speaker 1: Y'all around here just accepting that DNA. Wait, wait, y'all,

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Speaker 1: mom at that would be a nigga in Charleston where

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Speaker 1: you know Grandma be like, don't you you better not

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Speaker 1: get pregnant by him? His people crazy l mm hmmm, right,

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Speaker 1: don't what do NBA stand for? I don't know something,

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Speaker 1: get oship. I'm sure nut busting man because he'd be

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Speaker 1: making all the kids yeah yeah, oh no no. Also, um,

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Speaker 1: Regina King, that was sad her son, he passed away.

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Speaker 1: I love her and I wish I could hug her,

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Speaker 1: right now like that's so sad he committed suicide. Suicide

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Speaker 1: is just isn't it so much pandemic that they didn't

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Speaker 1: talk about the real epidemic. It's a lot of people

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Speaker 1: who have committed suicide since um the pandemic started. The

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Speaker 1: pandemics started between pandemic, but suicide and uh fitting All

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Speaker 1: because I saw reports that fitting All is killing more

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Speaker 1: young people than anything else in the world right now.

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Speaker 1: These young people are just dying at because you know why,

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Speaker 1: they're getting fitting All off the damn dark web, probably

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Speaker 1: coming from China, some ship, probably attentional. We're killing motherfucker's

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Speaker 1: over here, Like y'all better be careful. I just don't.

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Speaker 1: I just don't get it. And it's it's like we

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Speaker 1: are not living as long as we think we are,

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Speaker 1: Like you know, the older people on my dad's side

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Speaker 1: of the family, Like it's more older people than young

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Speaker 1: at this point. Like people just keep dying, bitch. I'mna

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Speaker 1: keep going to jem make sure my heart is healthy

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Speaker 1: and ship like that. I got to lose a pound,

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Speaker 1: but I know my ship good. That's one thing you

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Speaker 1: always go Shrooms is like a hard drug. It's just

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Speaker 1: not it is man that ship could open up your

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Speaker 1: third eye and then never close it, and then you'd

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Speaker 1: be out here. You be out here the Angelo, The

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Speaker 1: Angelo do shrooms, you look like now, he'd probably be

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Speaker 1: doing what's that should call? Um? You know they go

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Speaker 1: out in the desert and do it? What's it called?

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Speaker 1: It's not shrows, beccause we're out in the woods one

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Speaker 1: with the earth doing. Did you see boosting this weekend?

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Speaker 1: He was sucking the road up right, He was literally

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Speaker 1: fucking the road, go kill everybody in the car, stupid

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Speaker 1: and stick and humping driving. He might have been He

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Speaker 1: might have been on Molly, because that's molly all day long.

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Speaker 1: The fuck Boosty is fun, man Boosty remind me. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do any like we I'm just gonna

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Speaker 1: stick to the look in the weed, like Drake. Even

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Speaker 1: alcohols don't make me feel good, you know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: Like I only can drink Don Julio, and really that's it,

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Speaker 1: and i'd like um. Another thing that doesn't make me

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Speaker 1: feel bad is do say but everything else my body

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Speaker 1: doesn't process the same anymore. Yeah, yeah, the next day

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Speaker 1: is no matter. How I could have like to two cups,

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Speaker 1: like to drinks and I'm feeling bad the next day,

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Speaker 1: So I don't like that. What about wine and champagne?

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Speaker 1: You can drink wine make me feel like I want

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Speaker 1: to slip my wrist. It's like too much of a

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Speaker 1: downer for me, like I like. It alters my personality,

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Speaker 1: and my personality is outgoing, like I'm up crump like

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Speaker 1: I don't want to feel like I'm gonna be quiet.

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Speaker 1: That's why I only smoke weed when I'm about to

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Speaker 1: have sex, because I want to get this dick and

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Speaker 1: go to sleep. I cannot be smoking weed like out

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Speaker 1: in the world. I'd be no good to anybody. No,

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Speaker 1: I can't. You want to add a little coke with

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Speaker 1: spreaking little I don't want to do that no more,

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Speaker 1: just sing I said. I used to want to do that,

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Speaker 1: just to see what it felt like one time. Alright,

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Speaker 1: y'all judge me. If y'all want so, your mama's did

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Speaker 1: it their whole life. Shut up the smoke crack. Yeah, listen,

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Speaker 1: it's got a commercial, and let's talk about my friendship.

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Speaker 1: Out of here. We'll be back, y'all. All right, y'all,

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Speaker 1: So look, today's guest is a mom, a wife, and

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Speaker 1: amongst other things, she's a professional bestie. Y'all, we have

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Speaker 1: Danielle Bayer Jackson. Um. She's an friendship expert. She also

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Speaker 1: is the author of New York Times bestseller Fighting Fall Friendships.

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Speaker 1: And we want to talk about that big as book

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Speaker 1: deal you got too, girl. Yeah it has. It hasn't

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Speaker 1: come out yet, and it's not so it's not yet

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Speaker 1: a New York Terms bestseller. But I mean so, I'm

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Speaker 1: glad that you just said that. Yes, I claim it,

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Speaker 1: I claim it. Yes it is it already is girl? Listen, listen.

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Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to have you on here today because

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Speaker 1: I just be losing these bitches listen right, I'm I

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Speaker 1: don't know, is it me? Do I not know how

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Speaker 1: to be a good friend? Or are these I'm picking

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Speaker 1: bad bitches to be my friend? You know, I don't know. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: this bitch right here fall out at least twice. It's

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Speaker 1: different though, Like we're gonna have issues since we got

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Speaker 1: a friendship and business together, so it's gonna be different.

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Speaker 1: But you gotta be able to communicate, right yeah. So, um,

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Speaker 1: y'all listen. Danielle is committed to helping women make and

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Speaker 1: keep friends. Um. So she's a professional, uh certified woman's coach, right,

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Speaker 1: friendship coach? That's right. Yeah, people always give me side eye,

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Speaker 1: like is that a thing? It's totally a thing. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it needs to be a thing, because you know what,

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Speaker 1: I feel like women like I would let them nigga

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Speaker 1: hurt my feelings a hundred times and take them back.

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Speaker 1: But a bitch hurt my feelings and I'd be like, bitch,

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Speaker 1: you dead to me forever. You're not the only one

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Speaker 1: that's a common one, right, is that we'll give you know,

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Speaker 1: our our boyfriend's husband so many chances, but then when

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Speaker 1: it comes to a friend, like, oh no, she crossed

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Speaker 1: my boundaries. Once you're done. I think we have our

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Speaker 1: friends on a different you know, we we have we

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Speaker 1: hold them in higher regard than we hold men. Right,

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Speaker 1: So it's like friends aren't supposed to suck up. That's

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Speaker 1: how we feel about our home girls, right, but guys

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Speaker 1: like we expect them to keep messing up. When your

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Speaker 1: friend does, it is like what the fuck? But that's

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Speaker 1: so fake because we're all just human, right, you know,

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Speaker 1: nobody's gonna be perfect. That's so true. I wish we

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Speaker 1: brought more of that perspective when it happens, because when

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Speaker 1: it happens, we're so deeply offended. I wonder if the

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Speaker 1: reason for that, you know, discrepancy between how we are

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Speaker 1: with men and then how we are with you know,

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Speaker 1: our female friends, is because a lot of the conversation

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Speaker 1: leading up to those relationships. So even when you are

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Speaker 1: reading a book or listening to a podcast about relationships,

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Speaker 1: we're talking about forgiveness and communication and how to work

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Speaker 1: through you know, what you think is a betrayal. So

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Speaker 1: it's almost understood that he's going to mess up and

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Speaker 1: we're gonna have to talk about it, Like I I

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Speaker 1: anticipate that. But the language around friendship is so you know,

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Speaker 1: even from when we're young, it's best friends forever and

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Speaker 1: you just get me and friendship should be easy. So

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Speaker 1: that's a lot of the conversation. So once we do

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Speaker 1: hit some kind of conflict, we are not ready to

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Speaker 1: have a conflict with our friend, and we see it

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Speaker 1: as evidence of, oh, we shouldn't be friends, because if

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Speaker 1: we were friends, we wouldn't even be having a difficult

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Speaker 1: time right now. And so a lot of it is

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Speaker 1: the is the language about those relationships before we even

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Speaker 1: get into them. Yeah, and you're you're right. That's because

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Speaker 1: it's further from the truth. I know, Like with me,

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Speaker 1: all right, So I can be blunt, and sometimes my

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Speaker 1: tone can be uh misunderstood, misunderstood, off bit off putting, girl,

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Speaker 1: fuck you, And I feel like I lose friendships because

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Speaker 1: I'll be honest and maybe my honesty comes off. As

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Speaker 1: you already know, black women got a problem with accountability,

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Speaker 1: So let's go ahead and put that out there. Anyway.

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Speaker 1: So sometimes when we get called out, we just don't

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Speaker 1: like it, you know what I'm saying. We just don't

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Speaker 1: like it, and it's hard for us to uh say

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Speaker 1: you're right. And so all right, I'm gonna give an example.

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Speaker 1: I just one of my friends that I've been like

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Speaker 1: really close with for a while. I said, um, I

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Speaker 1: feel like you've in uh sometime, he asked friend lately

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Speaker 1: and she just did not take that well. And she

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Speaker 1: was like, well, I'll just keep my distance. And that's

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Speaker 1: not what I wanted. I wanted her to be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna do better at being at present for him,

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Speaker 1: but instead she offered more distance and that made me

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Speaker 1: more mad. So I was on something well, bitch, fuck

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Speaker 1: you then, like and so it just went completely left

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Speaker 1: instead of the direction I was trying to go with it.

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Speaker 1: That so that's so interesting because the goal of conflict

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Speaker 1: should be reconciliation. Like I'm bringing this up because i

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Speaker 1: want harmony with you, because I'm trying to figure this out.

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Speaker 1: That's the objective of me bringing it up. But so much,

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Speaker 1: you know, so many times we do take offense and

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Speaker 1: we're like a lot of us are not comfortable, like

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Speaker 1: you said, with being called out, and so when we

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Speaker 1: are called out, even if ironically it's coming from a

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Speaker 1: friend we love, we're so uncomfortable that to keep our distance,

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Speaker 1: we're like, Okay, well I don't want to experience that again.

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Speaker 1: Or or I guess she doesn't care about me the

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Speaker 1: way I thought, or I guess she's coming at me.

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Speaker 1: So I'm gonna either or emotionally withdraw, or I'm going

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Speaker 1: to be passive aggressive because I'm not comfortable with being

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Speaker 1: called out. And so I think what could help that

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Speaker 1: is as much as possible on the front end, if

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Speaker 1: I am bringing up something she did that I think

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Speaker 1: was kind of crazy, is to articulate that the goal

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Speaker 1: of me bringing it up is because I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: understand and so that could have been changed. I mean,

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Speaker 1: like one small little change you could have made, and

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Speaker 1: you could have made this, you know, make this your own.

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Speaker 1: It could have been something to the effect of, like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: so help me understand what's going on, because I don't

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Speaker 1: hear from me as much as I used to. I'm

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Speaker 1: communicating to you that I'm trying to understand you. The

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Speaker 1: point of me bringing this up because I don't get it.

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Speaker 1: I'm not bringing it up because I'm coming at you,

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Speaker 1: and so, you know, Unfortunately, I wish you would have said, like,

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Speaker 1: oh wait, why do you think I'm being sometimeing? Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's my bad, which does require a level of humility, right,

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Speaker 1: But she probably also was unsure about your objective and

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Speaker 1: bringing it up, which was I don't want you to

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Speaker 1: be sometime anymore. I want you to correct it. I

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Speaker 1: don't want you to leave, you know. And so there's

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Speaker 1: a bunch of stuff that that happens there when we

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Speaker 1: get called out how we perceive it and uh, and yeah,

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Speaker 1: it cost us a lot of friendships. Sure, Oh god,

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Speaker 1: it's exhausting learning how to tell the people. We gotta

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Speaker 1: be a therapist, like I don't. I went and notice

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Speaker 1: say though, say it in that way for someone to understand,

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Speaker 1: but we understand. You have to communicate with people in

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Speaker 1: a way that they receive it. It's hard to hell, right, yeah,

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Speaker 1: especially for me because I just think, uh, in the

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Speaker 1: environment that I grew up in, everybody's like really blunt

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Speaker 1: and real forward, and nobody takes offense to like that directness,

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Speaker 1: you know, like it's just how we I grew up

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Speaker 1: being talked to and speaking to others. It's just very direct.

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Speaker 1: This is what it is. And I'm not gonna cry.

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Speaker 1: We're not gonna cry about it. We're just gonna argue

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Speaker 1: about it, perhaps talk about it, and then fix it.

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Speaker 1: That was just the dynamic that I grew up in.

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Speaker 1: So now when I get in my adult relationships and

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Speaker 1: I approached it that way, I lose these bitches is

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Speaker 1: falling left and right soon as I say something about

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Speaker 1: how let me ask you this. The friend you gave

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Speaker 1: the example of wasout a newer friend or some of

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Speaker 1: you've been friends with for a while, oh probably about

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Speaker 1: three years, Okay, so newer. It's not a lifetime friendship,

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Speaker 1: but we got close fast, you know. So when I

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Speaker 1: tell her, like you've been absent. That's what basically I

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Speaker 1: was like, you've been absent, and it was during the

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Speaker 1: time where I needed her friendship in that time, and

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Speaker 1: I was trying to express that, but instead I was

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Speaker 1: met with like, girl, fuck you even more. That's how

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Speaker 1: I felt like. Her response was, yeah, No. The reason

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Speaker 1: I asked about okay, was it new or do you

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Speaker 1: guys have a lot of history together is because a

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Speaker 1: lot of times, when we've been friends with somebody for

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Speaker 1: a while, they've seen enough of our character to be

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Speaker 1: able to absorb how we deliver things. Now. That doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean we can take advantage and talk to them any

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Speaker 1: kind of way. But if I do say something like

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Speaker 1: you know, where have you been? I haven't heard from

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Speaker 1: you in like a year or whatever, they know that

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Speaker 1: I'm not trying them or coming at them because they

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Speaker 1: can measure that. They can weigh that against all they

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Speaker 1: know of me. Sometimes for newer friends, they don't have

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Speaker 1: that context. So if I say something a certain way

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Speaker 1: and they don't like it or whatever, they were trying

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Speaker 1: to fill in the gap because they're like, they don't

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Speaker 1: have enough context. They don't know me like that yet,

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Speaker 1: so they don't realize that, yeah, I may have said

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Speaker 1: it kind of harsh, but it's really because the way

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Speaker 1: I am, that's how I'm trying to tell you that

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Speaker 1: I missed you, like I wish I could have saw

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Speaker 1: you more over the past year. And that's my way

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Speaker 1: of communicating it. And so a lot of times too,

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Speaker 1: when we bring up conflict for the very first time,

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Speaker 1: and you know, that's tricky, like if you're if you're

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Speaker 1: cool with a girl, it's easy. You feel like, man,

337
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Speaker 1: we are so in sync, and the first time she

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Speaker 1: does something that rubs you the wrong way, sometimes you're like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: how do I bring this up here? Because we've never

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Speaker 1: done this before. It's always fun with us. How do

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Speaker 1: I suddenly tell her that wasn't cool? Because I don't

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Speaker 1: know her style yet. I don't know if she's gonna

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Speaker 1: be sensitive. I don't know if she's going to throw

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Speaker 1: this back at me, And so it's always it feels

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Speaker 1: like a risk the first time you bring it up

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Speaker 1: with a new friend, something that's not exactly so pleasant,

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Speaker 1: and some for a lot of us, have to make

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Speaker 1: her break moment. You know, see, I I never even

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Speaker 1: consider that, Like I don't even consider like, how do

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Speaker 1: I approach this and maybe that's something I should do

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Speaker 1: more of, Like I just approach it the way I

352
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Speaker 1: know how, which is very directed for it, like you

353
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,080
Speaker 1: don't ever have to worry about how I'm feeling or

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Speaker 1: what you see. That's the thing. Also now that depends

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Speaker 1: on how you're communicating with them, like the technology. If

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Speaker 1: you're just talking to them verbally, they can understand your

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00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,600
Speaker 1: demeanor how you feel when you're set talking, but via text,

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Speaker 1: you leave it up to your reata to determine how

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Speaker 1: you feel your demeanor behind the text message. So I

360
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:25,399
Speaker 1: recently had a thing. This is one of my best friends,

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Speaker 1: like her birthdays like two days before mine, and we've

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Speaker 1: been friends. I want friends over problems, maybe like fifteen

363
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Speaker 1: years maybe and we I haven't spoken her in two weeks,

364
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Speaker 1: and bitch, if you're listening, I feel some type of ways.

365
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Speaker 1: But whatever. And my last message to her was, Hey,

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Speaker 1: when you get a moment, i'd like to um go

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Speaker 1: over this text thread. You know. She didn't even respond

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Speaker 1: to that, and I still haven't spoken to her because

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Speaker 1: I felt attacked via text and I I like to

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Speaker 1: make sure I'm not tripping, like I'll call it hamm

371
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Speaker 1: me all the time, like let me tell you what happened.

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Speaker 1: Am I tripping before I dressed the situation with somebody else? Right?

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Speaker 1: I wanna get with somebody else that knows me, knows

374
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Speaker 1: my character to make sure I'm not the one that's tripping.

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Speaker 1: We do it, we both do it. But yeah, I

376
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Speaker 1: haven't talked to that. I haven't spoken to that bitch,

377
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Speaker 1: and I feel some type of way about it. And

378
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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm always the one to reach out

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Speaker 1: to my friends because I value my friendship. So whatever

380
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:22,160
Speaker 1: spat we got going on, like, I want to make

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Speaker 1: sure we talked about it. We don't even have to

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00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,360
Speaker 1: say who's right or wrong. It's just like change behavior

383
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Speaker 1: on both ends. You know what I'm saying. So why

384
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Speaker 1: haven't you reached out again? Why should I? If she

385
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,800
Speaker 1: ignored my last text message? And the last time, maybe

386
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,360
Speaker 1: ten years ago, we had an issue, I reached out

387
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,920
Speaker 1: and I wasn't at fault. We confirmed I wasn't at fault.

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Speaker 1: She just was feeling some type of way. Why do

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00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,320
Speaker 1: I have to always be the friend to value the

390
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:51,520
Speaker 1: friendship more than the other person to make sure we're good.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like doing that this time. And I'm older,

392
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Speaker 1: like I'm not. I don't. I don't smash women, so

393
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Speaker 1: I don't really care how women feel anymore, like I'm

394
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:06,760
Speaker 1: not women have That's what we talk about. Yes, I

395
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,760
Speaker 1: know what we're talking about. And women be having Some

396
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,000
Speaker 1: women have like really nasty attitudes, and men will deal

397
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Speaker 1: with that. Men will deal with our attitude because they

398
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,199
Speaker 1: want sex from us. I don't want sex from you,

399
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:20,280
Speaker 1: so I'm not dealing with your attitude. Okay, I have

400
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,879
Speaker 1: never heard that before. That's very that is very interesting.

401
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Speaker 1: But you know what I But you're saying a lot

402
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Speaker 1: of things that I that I here pretty often. The

403
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,960
Speaker 1: first thing, a couple of things. One is what you're

404
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,320
Speaker 1: experiencing is something called digital body language. So of course,

405
00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,080
Speaker 1: if we see somebody in person, just like you said,

406
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 1: then if there are arms are crossed, or they roll

407
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,479
Speaker 1: their eyes when we're talking to them, that's body language

408
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:42,119
Speaker 1: and we can tell like, Okay, she's upset, she's irritated.

409
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,760
Speaker 1: But now, so much of our lives, our friendships, relationships

410
00:21:45,760 --> 00:21:48,879
Speaker 1: are online or they're on text or email, and so

411
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,200
Speaker 1: what we don't realize is that is body language too.

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Speaker 1: So if somebody doesn't text you for a week, you're

413
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Speaker 1: gonna wonder, Okay, so much time has passed, you're telling

414
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 1: me something here, or if somebody goes from texting you

415
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 1: to emailing you, you're like, oh, shoot, she must be

416
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:04,199
Speaker 1: serious because she said to me an email. All that

417
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,880
Speaker 1: stuff is body language, if she uses emojis or not,

418
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,280
Speaker 1: that's body language, digital body language, And so it's leaving

419
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:11,800
Speaker 1: you in a place like you're doing right now, where

420
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,960
Speaker 1: you're trying to make meaning of all these things because

421
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,560
Speaker 1: she's not being clear and it's happening via text, and

422
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,440
Speaker 1: so you don't know what's going on. So that's one

423
00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:20,320
Speaker 1: thing that hurts a lot of friendships, is our digital

424
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,760
Speaker 1: body language is communicating something that maybe we intentionally weren't doing.

425
00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:26,800
Speaker 1: The second thing I think it's interesting is how you said, oh, well,

426
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:28,880
Speaker 1: you know, if she's you know, gonna wait so long

427
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,280
Speaker 1: or not get back to me or whatever. Sometimes we

428
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:34,080
Speaker 1: assign meaning to what people do because we don't they

429
00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 1: don't give us any answers, so we've got to fill

430
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,719
Speaker 1: in the gap. And yeah, and so the fact that

431
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,440
Speaker 1: she hasn't responded in a week or whatever it is,

432
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,520
Speaker 1: you know, is leaving you to fill in the gaps,

433
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,879
Speaker 1: and so you can't help. But to assign meaning to it.

434
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:49,880
Speaker 1: Now you've assigned negative meaning to it, as if she's

435
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,119
Speaker 1: avoiding you. But I mean, all you have to do

436
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:55,040
Speaker 1: is assume because she's not communicating, and so you know,

437
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,080
Speaker 1: you're saying, well, why should I have to reach out again?

438
00:22:58,280 --> 00:22:59,880
Speaker 1: Is true, And a lot of people feel like, Okay,

439
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,880
Speaker 1: I tried. I'm not gonna, you know, kiss your butt

440
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,440
Speaker 1: now like I tried one time. What do you want

441
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,520
Speaker 1: me to deal? But it's hard because a lot of

442
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:10,200
Speaker 1: reasons women get upset is I'm doing more than her,

443
00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:13,000
Speaker 1: I feel more invested. Why should I have to initiate

444
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,640
Speaker 1: all the time? And it's true, So you know, unfortunately,

445
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 1: I wish your friend, you know, would get back to

446
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:19,199
Speaker 1: you or at least communicate what's going on, But we

447
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:21,880
Speaker 1: do have to make room for now. It is possible

448
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,840
Speaker 1: it could be a myriad of a bunch of other things.

449
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,600
Speaker 1: Hopefully there's nothing else going on in her life. Hopefully

450
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,720
Speaker 1: it's not a phone issue. Hopefully it's none of those things.

451
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,400
Speaker 1: Because in the meantime, it sounds like how you're kind

452
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:34,679
Speaker 1: of growing in your frustration with her, um, but we

453
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,680
Speaker 1: don't know what's going on on the other side, right

454
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,480
Speaker 1: that's why I said, you can reach out one more time.

455
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,080
Speaker 1: Whatever we voted. We voted and we said reach out.

456
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:49,919
Speaker 1: We could be like, but, bit, what the fuck you

457
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,600
Speaker 1: ain't see my last day? That's how I would come

458
00:23:55,880 --> 00:24:00,000
Speaker 1: and see. That might be read in a nasty tone,

459
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,200
Speaker 1: you know, by the receiver, But I don't mean it.

460
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:07,400
Speaker 1: It's like, girl, where you at? Like, what's right? That's

461
00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 1: how I mean it. I'm not interested. No, it's it's

462
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:15,200
Speaker 1: only years. I've done it before, and this is somebody

463
00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:18,320
Speaker 1: I speak to every other day, if not every day.

464
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,080
Speaker 1: So if we went two weeks now without speaking the

465
00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:25,080
Speaker 1: stuff you were sending me via text, it's how you feel.

466
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,320
Speaker 1: So why would I want to clarify anything if you

467
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,840
Speaker 1: don't want to, Because that's the last message I said.

468
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:32,320
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, when you get a moment, can we

469
00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 1: discuss this text? Read please? No response to that that's

470
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,439
Speaker 1: not enough? Yeah? Good, good for you, because you do

471
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 1: want to see that this person wants to reconcile and

472
00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,080
Speaker 1: work it out as much as you do. So as

473
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,200
Speaker 1: soon as you start feeling like, oh I care more

474
00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:47,959
Speaker 1: than you do, I can see how it will leave

475
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:53,119
Speaker 1: you right where you are. Ye. So yeah, all right,

476
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:57,000
Speaker 1: here's another thing. I Um, so I'm in my thirties

477
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:00,879
Speaker 1: and most of my friends now actually in my like

478
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:09,040
Speaker 1: immediate you know, community are married, have kids, are in relationships,

479
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,800
Speaker 1: and I'm single and the only thing I have to

480
00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:13,480
Speaker 1: take care of is me and a plant, and the

481
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:19,639
Speaker 1: plant is dying. So I need for new friends, like

482
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 1: I need new friends that I can do stuff with

483
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:28,960
Speaker 1: that aren't so occupied with children and husbands. And but

484
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,919
Speaker 1: it's hard making friends as an adult woman. How do

485
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 1: you go about that? Do you have any advice on

486
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:39,680
Speaker 1: that ideal? This is actually my favorite topic. It's funny because, um,

487
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,600
Speaker 1: I get a lot of questions about friendships, so many

488
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,080
Speaker 1: different things. But if I had to rank like the

489
00:25:43,119 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 1: top three questions, this percent would be number one is

490
00:25:46,320 --> 00:25:48,720
Speaker 1: how do I make friends? Now, typically that question comes

491
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,080
Speaker 1: with some kind of qualifiers, so women will say, you know,

492
00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,159
Speaker 1: how do I make friends in a new city, how

493
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:54,760
Speaker 1: do I make friends as a military wife? How do

494
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,800
Speaker 1: I make friends as an introvert? And so it always

495
00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:59,240
Speaker 1: comes with something like for my situation, how do I

496
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:01,159
Speaker 1: do this? But I hope that that shows us that

497
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,199
Speaker 1: will always be making friends. It's not weird to be

498
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:06,080
Speaker 1: in your thirties and be like, how do I do this?

499
00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:08,199
Speaker 1: Because you know, a lot of us believe the lie that, oh,

500
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,000
Speaker 1: I should have made all my friends in high school,

501
00:26:10,119 --> 00:26:13,160
Speaker 1: or I'm behind, or I should have this figured out.

502
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 1: You will always be having to make new friends. If

503
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:17,840
Speaker 1: you date somebody new and now you're trying to get

504
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 1: in with his friends and figure out their girlfriends, you're

505
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,280
Speaker 1: always having to flex the muscles. So it's normal for

506
00:26:23,359 --> 00:26:25,320
Speaker 1: us to have to figure it out because we're gonna

507
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,159
Speaker 1: have to do it multiple times. When it comes to

508
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,080
Speaker 1: making friends as an adult and during a pandemic, it

509
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 1: does get a little tricky. Um, but it's totally possible.

510
00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:37,840
Speaker 1: I hate to sound like a life coach, but some

511
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:39,800
Speaker 1: of it does start with our mindset. I do have

512
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:42,000
Speaker 1: women who believe they don't have enough time for it,

513
00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,280
Speaker 1: or they believe that, um, it's too late for them

514
00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:47,639
Speaker 1: because of their age or whatever life season. And the

515
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 1: problem is, if in the back of your mind you

516
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,720
Speaker 1: secretly believe that you're not going to make new friend

517
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,320
Speaker 1: for whatever reason, it is going to impact the way

518
00:26:55,359 --> 00:26:57,600
Speaker 1: you engage with people when you get an opportunity because

519
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,520
Speaker 1: you don't believe it's even going to turn into something

520
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 1: you believe year behind. So the first thing is to

521
00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:04,479
Speaker 1: actually believe the fact that you can make friends at

522
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,119
Speaker 1: any time for any reason. You don't have to have

523
00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:10,800
Speaker 1: a certain swag or a certain age or whatever. You

524
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,800
Speaker 1: can make friends any time. So a couple of different

525
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,000
Speaker 1: things you can do to like start making friends like today.

526
00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 1: The first thing I say is is to start with

527
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,159
Speaker 1: who you know. And a lot of us will say, oh,

528
00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:22,840
Speaker 1: I need to make new friends, and we're saying that

529
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,200
Speaker 1: to me, and I need to meet new people. Those

530
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: are two different things. Because for a lot of us,

531
00:27:27,520 --> 00:27:29,640
Speaker 1: we have a lot of women in our circle currently

532
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,320
Speaker 1: who we have written off for whatever reason. She's too young,

533
00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:35,240
Speaker 1: she's too loud, she's too you know, I'm an entrepreneur,

534
00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:37,680
Speaker 1: she works nine five. We have all these reasons. We've

535
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,800
Speaker 1: dismissed women you already know who have potential. I can't

536
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 1: drink as much as this is one friend. I wanted

537
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 1: to be her friend, but I can't keep to work.

538
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,240
Speaker 1: I could drink with you, and she's thinking, and maybe

539
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,080
Speaker 1: she's thinking like and she's too much of a lightweight.

540
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 1: This is not gonna work, you know. So m yeah,

541
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:55,960
Speaker 1: So a lot of us, we have a lot of

542
00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,320
Speaker 1: women in our network already mutual friends who we see

543
00:27:58,320 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 1: at parties all the time. We see the same girl,

544
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:01,399
Speaker 1: you know, And so the first thing I like to

545
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:04,119
Speaker 1: suggest is always start with who you already have. And

546
00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:05,320
Speaker 1: I know we want to know, like how do I

547
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,840
Speaker 1: meet new people? But who are the women who you

548
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:09,959
Speaker 1: thought to yourself like, man, she seems really cool or

549
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,119
Speaker 1: she's really funny. Who are those women who are already

550
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 1: in your circle? Why have you not yet initiated friendship

551
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,520
Speaker 1: with them? What are the excuses you've made for why, oh,

552
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:19,800
Speaker 1: well she is more my other friend's friend, or well

553
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,640
Speaker 1: she I don't know. We don't really talk like that.

554
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,440
Speaker 1: Could you try, you know, sending a d M about

555
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:27,560
Speaker 1: the latest post that she wrote instead of giving another

556
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:30,159
Speaker 1: general comment. And there's like two d other comments, so

557
00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:32,199
Speaker 1: your stays in stand out. Can you slide in her

558
00:28:32,240 --> 00:28:34,000
Speaker 1: damns and be like, oh my god, your last message

559
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:36,879
Speaker 1: like so resonated with me and then ask a question.

560
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: But it puts me more top of mind, and I

561
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,560
Speaker 1: don't get kind of blended in with the other people

562
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,320
Speaker 1: who commented. It's a little bit different. Um, could you

563
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,480
Speaker 1: do something where a lot of us who work from

564
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,880
Speaker 1: home and we're in meetings all day long. You know,

565
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,240
Speaker 1: research tells us that most people meet their friends at

566
00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:55,960
Speaker 1: work because you tend to make friends with people who

567
00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,760
Speaker 1: you are exposed to the most. So that's why people

568
00:28:58,760 --> 00:29:01,600
Speaker 1: tend to make friends with their abers and with their coworkers,

569
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 1: because you're spending forty hours a week there. Um, it

570
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,600
Speaker 1: tells us that you are twice as likely to make

571
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,479
Speaker 1: friends with somebody who's physically in close proximity to you

572
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:12,360
Speaker 1: just because they're there. So that's the case. How do

573
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 1: I make that work to my advantage? So I know,

574
00:29:14,600 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 1: sometimes at work we're like, I'm not trying to be

575
00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 1: friends with anybody at work, and there's definitely a way

576
00:29:18,600 --> 00:29:20,600
Speaker 1: to go about it. But if you're in meetings all day,

577
00:29:20,760 --> 00:29:22,880
Speaker 1: why not at the next meeting that you have be

578
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 1: especially attentive to anybody who shares a good idea, they

579
00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:28,960
Speaker 1: say something funny, they ask a good question, and then

580
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: send them an email after and be like, oh man, um,

581
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 1: thank you for asking that question during the meeting today

582
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:35,080
Speaker 1: because I was thinking it but I didn't want to

583
00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,080
Speaker 1: say it. So, you know, perhaps to you for asking it,

584
00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,920
Speaker 1: that's it. But all I'm doing is showing her like

585
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:43,200
Speaker 1: I'm interested and Normally we reserve that for guys, like, oh,

586
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:45,360
Speaker 1: let me reach out to him and show him I'm interested.

587
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:48,560
Speaker 1: But how does another woman know that you're you're interested

588
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:51,400
Speaker 1: in maybe befriending her being kind of cool unless we

589
00:29:51,480 --> 00:29:53,720
Speaker 1: make it known. But we're still concerned about looking like

590
00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:57,520
Speaker 1: a lamb, looking desperate, looking like because that's what my

591
00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:02,960
Speaker 1: best friends thought, like, let you tell your friend story.

592
00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 1: Fig girl in high school. All right, this is before

593
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:09,320
Speaker 1: we had all right, I'm about to give back till

594
00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 1: before you lean. We couldn't have phones. We couldn't have

595
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:16,600
Speaker 1: phones in high school. Yes, before I was in UM.

596
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,080
Speaker 1: I wrote her. She was new and I wrote her

597
00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:22,360
Speaker 1: a letter and I passed it up to her and

598
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 1: I was like, Oh, what's your name, what school you

599
00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: came from? Blah blah blah, And she was like, who

600
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 1: is the not k She was looking around the room,

601
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:30,440
Speaker 1: like who the fox sent me a note? And then

602
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 1: she was like, it's a bitch that sent me this.

603
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:35,240
Speaker 1: And she thought I was the lesbian. She thought I

604
00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:36,600
Speaker 1: was hitting on her, but I was just trying to

605
00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 1: make friends with her. And we've been the best friends

606
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 1: ever since twelfth grade. So right that it does work,

607
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:46,440
Speaker 1: and you know, what that's so okay, that's so interesting

608
00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:49,520
Speaker 1: because I mean, I know we used the word romance

609
00:30:49,640 --> 00:30:53,200
Speaker 1: for you know, romantic relationships, but we don't romance our

610
00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: friends enough. And I mean that by like pursuing our friends,

611
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,280
Speaker 1: like letting you know, like sending you a card, sending

612
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:00,719
Speaker 1: you something in cash. I'll be like, get a coffee

613
00:31:00,760 --> 00:31:04,280
Speaker 1: before your job interview today, like romancing our friends pursuing her,

614
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,440
Speaker 1: And it sounds weird, but if it happened to you,

615
00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:08,640
Speaker 1: you'd be like, wow, that's amazing. A friend like says

616
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:10,600
Speaker 1: I was thinking about you or I'm sending you something

617
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 1: you feel really good, But we're so used to doing

618
00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: that with you know, the men in our lives, and

619
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:17,520
Speaker 1: so it is weird or how she responded like, oh

620
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 1: what are you trying to do? We are on high

621
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 1: alert because we're like, well, this is weird, but it's

622
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,040
Speaker 1: not weird. You know, it shouldn't be weird. Um, And

623
00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:27,640
Speaker 1: so you know, I know, I say, research says a lot,

624
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: but it's because I'm a nerd, and so tells us that, Um,

625
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: we tend to like people who like us, and so literally,

626
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,160
Speaker 1: so we think we're so complicated and we have all

627
00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 1: these layers. We like people who like us, So think

628
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:41,720
Speaker 1: about it. If you hang out, like with a group

629
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 1: of women, like let's say we all hang out tonight

630
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:46,480
Speaker 1: and tomorrow I text you, I'm like, oh my gosh, um,

631
00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 1: Tiffany said you are so funny. She cannot stop talking

632
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:51,640
Speaker 1: about how funny you are. You suddenly really like Tiffany

633
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:54,360
Speaker 1: because she thinks you're great, and so we like people

634
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 1: who like us. And so if that's the case, again,

635
00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:58,920
Speaker 1: I always say, how can we make the research work

636
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 1: for us? If that's the hat than to make friends.

637
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 1: I need to be more verbal when I find a

638
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 1: girl I like and saying so, now that doesn't mean nerdy.

639
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,080
Speaker 1: You need to in a corny way be like I

640
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:10,160
Speaker 1: like you. But how do I say to her like, man,

641
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,480
Speaker 1: it's so nice to finally meet another woman who likes

642
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: x y Z the same way I do. I'm kind

643
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 1: of signaling to her like I think you're cool because

644
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: she kind of will think that too, And I just

645
00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:23,600
Speaker 1: made it okay to talk about it. So could I say, so, Tiffany,

646
00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:29,600
Speaker 1: you trying to give me? Please? Okay? What just joking?

647
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:36,240
Speaker 1: I just I'm joking for second right now. I'm sorry. However,

648
00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,080
Speaker 1: you want to interpret that research however you want to interpret.

649
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 1: I'm just joking. So Daniel has a friendship coaching right

650
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: on your Your website is better Female Friends dot Com.

651
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:50,240
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure to say that is not in her

652
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 1: damn coaching package. Tell us about the coking the coaching

653
00:32:55,360 --> 00:32:58,320
Speaker 1: you do. You got of hair it anyway, but you're

654
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 1: you're really good. Go ahead, No, I appreciate you. It's

655
00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:04,240
Speaker 1: it's funny because, um if when I first started, I'll

656
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:06,040
Speaker 1: admit I was a little embarrassed to tell people because

657
00:33:06,040 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 1: I was actually a high school English teacher for six years,

658
00:33:08,880 --> 00:33:11,400
Speaker 1: and you know, and I was working with juniors and seniors.

659
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,760
Speaker 1: So between classes, you know, they're talking about their drama

660
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:15,160
Speaker 1: or after school they'd come to me and be like,

661
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,040
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, you know, and so I was like, oh, man,

662
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:19,680
Speaker 1: you know, I'm coaching them through it. At the time,

663
00:33:19,720 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: I didn't realize that's what I was doing. And so

664
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,120
Speaker 1: then when I left that and I got into you know,

665
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 1: marketing and public relations, then I thought, I'm leaving that

666
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,880
Speaker 1: drama behind because those routine girls. Now I'm working with

667
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,880
Speaker 1: adult women, I probably won't see that drama anymore. And

668
00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,360
Speaker 1: then I realized, oh, okay, you know, we have our

669
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:37,960
Speaker 1: issues too, And it showed me that in every stage

670
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:40,920
Speaker 1: of womanhood, we're trying to figure out our relationship with

671
00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,200
Speaker 1: other women, and every stage it doesn't matter how old

672
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 1: you are. And so that's when I was like, man,

673
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,640
Speaker 1: I wonder if like coaching is a thing. And so

674
00:33:47,680 --> 00:33:50,200
Speaker 1: I went on Amazon and I looked up friendship books

675
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:52,720
Speaker 1: at the time, and I was just curious, and everything

676
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 1: that came up in the search results was for children,

677
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:56,720
Speaker 1: and I thought, Oh, that's what we think of friendship,

678
00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,520
Speaker 1: that kids need help, But if you're grown, you shouldn't

679
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: need help. And so I would argue, why is it

680
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:04,200
Speaker 1: that if we need help with our business, we'll get

681
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:06,440
Speaker 1: a business coach, and people like, wow, that's so great.

682
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:08,839
Speaker 1: If you are having issues in your relationship, will be like, oh,

683
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:10,719
Speaker 1: I need to go to counseling, you know, with my man.

684
00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:13,359
Speaker 1: Oh that's that's so awesome. Good for you guys. But

685
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 1: if I'm having issues with women constantly, then it's weird

686
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 1: to go and get help. And so research here it is.

687
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:24,560
Speaker 1: Research tells us that the single greatest factor that determines

688
00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:28,280
Speaker 1: your life satisfaction is not your income or your marital status.

689
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:31,200
Speaker 1: It's the quality of your relationships. If that's the case,

690
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:35,160
Speaker 1: then why are we not making it normal to say, hey,

691
00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,479
Speaker 1: I keep having issues with friends. I'm having an issue

692
00:34:37,480 --> 00:34:39,680
Speaker 1: with a current friend. Help me out here. Why is

693
00:34:39,719 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 1: that not normal? If research is telling us that's the

694
00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:44,480
Speaker 1: most important thing that's going to make you feel satisfied

695
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:47,480
Speaker 1: with your life is your relationships. And so that's why

696
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,520
Speaker 1: I kind of got into it as a coach. You know,

697
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,680
Speaker 1: all work with women who have every need from trying

698
00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,600
Speaker 1: to make friends in a new city. Um, they're going

699
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,799
Speaker 1: through a friendship breakup, and they can't figure out why

700
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 1: they're not over it yet it's been three years, um

701
00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:03,239
Speaker 1: or there. They want to have a hard conversation with

702
00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,000
Speaker 1: a friend, but they don't really know how to bring

703
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:06,719
Speaker 1: it up, or when they bring it up, they're too

704
00:35:06,719 --> 00:35:08,200
Speaker 1: harsh and they're like, Okay, I don't want to push

705
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:09,879
Speaker 1: her away. I don't want to come at her too hard.

706
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:15,200
Speaker 1: Some of us name yeah, and so I can really

707
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:18,239
Speaker 1: help with whatever your friendship issue is. But a lot

708
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:20,160
Speaker 1: of women feel like, who am I supposed to talk

709
00:35:20,200 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 1: to about this? Because if you talk to your man,

710
00:35:22,160 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 1: sometimes he'll say something like, well, then just don't talk

711
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 1: to her anymore, and you're like, okay, well it's more competent.

712
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:31,680
Speaker 1: You don't like her for anyway. Yeah, guys, guys be

713
00:35:31,719 --> 00:35:36,880
Speaker 1: like yeah, and they do, but they do, they do exactly,

714
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:39,160
Speaker 1: but we get that stereotyped, so they don't get it.

715
00:35:39,239 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 1: Your parents feel like they're a little too far removed

716
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:43,040
Speaker 1: from it. And sometimes you feel like if you talk

717
00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:45,640
Speaker 1: to other friends about it, like you know, am I gossiping?

718
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:47,040
Speaker 1: Or is this going to get back to her? So

719
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 1: it's like you don't sometimes feel safe to talk to

720
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:53,520
Speaker 1: somebody about your friendship UM. And so it's it's interesting

721
00:35:53,560 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 1: because a lot of women will bring to me things

722
00:35:55,080 --> 00:35:57,400
Speaker 1: that are very private and feel like they don't have

723
00:35:57,440 --> 00:35:59,440
Speaker 1: anybody else to talk to you. And the last thing

724
00:35:59,480 --> 00:36:01,359
Speaker 1: I'll say is, you know a lot of people think

725
00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:03,399
Speaker 1: if a girl's going to a friendship coach, she must

726
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:06,120
Speaker 1: be like socially awkward and she doesn't know how to

727
00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:09,200
Speaker 1: talk to people. But what's crazy to me is most

728
00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:11,600
Speaker 1: of the women I work with are um at the

729
00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,759
Speaker 1: top of their careers. They're funny, they're the coolest girl

730
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 1: at the party, and they're coming to a friendship coach

731
00:36:17,239 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 1: because maybe they have a lot of friends, but they

732
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,839
Speaker 1: don't feel connected to anybody, or they you know, make

733
00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:24,640
Speaker 1: friends really easily, but they're in a new city and

734
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,480
Speaker 1: they want to do things differently this time. So a

735
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:28,600
Speaker 1: lot of times, the woman I'm working with is charismatic

736
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:32,480
Speaker 1: and smart and cool, but she's very intentional about wanting

737
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,960
Speaker 1: better friendships. Do you find it easier to make friends

738
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: with black women or white women or others for me personally?

739
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:44,799
Speaker 1: Or women are personally personally? Um? And wait, wait in

740
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,279
Speaker 1: general too. I want to hear what other people say,

741
00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 1: because I have a theory about why it's how hard

742
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:55,040
Speaker 1: sometimes for black women specifically to make friends. Yeah, okay,

743
00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:57,839
Speaker 1: I'm anxious to hear that. Yes, you know, I will

744
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:01,000
Speaker 1: say I. Um, A lot of people in like the

745
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:04,839
Speaker 1: friendship experts psychology space are white women. And so when

746
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:06,600
Speaker 1: I do have a lot of clients who come to me,

747
00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:08,440
Speaker 1: they're women of color, and they'll say, like, it's just

748
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:10,279
Speaker 1: nice to talk to somebody who gets it, because I

749
00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 1: need to talk to you about my white friend who

750
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:13,560
Speaker 1: tried me and I don't think I can be friends

751
00:37:13,560 --> 00:37:15,880
Speaker 1: with her anymore. Or when everything was happening with George

752
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: Floyd and people were sharing their opinions. They were like,

753
00:37:18,200 --> 00:37:20,319
Speaker 1: I can't do this anymore, Like I don't have time

754
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:22,879
Speaker 1: anymore for white people. I have to explain stuff too,

755
00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,080
Speaker 1: or she was my girl, but then she says something crazy,

756
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:26,759
Speaker 1: I can't look at her the same. And so even

757
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,440
Speaker 1: trying to figure out into racial friendships is something it's like,

758
00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:32,200
Speaker 1: how do you talk to a white professional about something

759
00:37:32,239 --> 00:37:36,360
Speaker 1: like that? UM? For me personally, you know my experiences.

760
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,200
Speaker 1: I was raised in a predominantly white, you know, suburb.

761
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:41,319
Speaker 1: Then when I went to college, I started to see

762
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: some things and my eyes were open and and learn

763
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:46,480
Speaker 1: more about myself and you're learning things about microaggressions. And

764
00:37:46,520 --> 00:37:49,200
Speaker 1: I had even more black friends and I couldn't see

765
00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:52,360
Speaker 1: my white friends the same once I got more black friends,

766
00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:55,160
Speaker 1: and so woke. Yeah, I know, I was trying to

767
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,240
Speaker 1: avoid that word because that word is everywhere, but pretty

768
00:37:57,320 --> 00:38:00,120
Speaker 1: much when my eyes are open, okay. And so it's

769
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 1: interesting because at the end of the day, you should

770
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,000
Speaker 1: be able to bring all of yourself to your friendship

771
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,920
Speaker 1: racist side. I should be able to bring all myself

772
00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: and I found too often and I have you know,

773
00:38:08,120 --> 00:38:10,160
Speaker 1: some white friends, but we had to put a lot

774
00:38:10,239 --> 00:38:12,920
Speaker 1: of work into it to be friends because I'm bringing

775
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 1: my whole self and being a black woman's a part

776
00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:17,160
Speaker 1: of my whole self. So I'm not gonna not have

777
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,160
Speaker 1: conversations because it makes you uncomfortable. Um, for a lot

778
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:22,880
Speaker 1: of black women were already on all day. I'm not

779
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,840
Speaker 1: gonna be on with you. I'm not gonna explain little things.

780
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: I don't have the patience to to explain why you

781
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 1: can't say that thing. There's no patience. And our friendships

782
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:33,440
Speaker 1: should feel like home. So if when I come to

783
00:38:33,480 --> 00:38:34,960
Speaker 1: you and I'm trying to relax and you're supposed to

784
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,920
Speaker 1: be a refuge and I have to be on or

785
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:40,759
Speaker 1: explain things to you culturally, it feels exhausting. And so

786
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:44,400
Speaker 1: do I have white friends, yes, Um, but you know

787
00:38:44,400 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 1: a lot of I think black women gravitate to a

788
00:38:46,239 --> 00:38:48,440
Speaker 1: black women because we automatically know that there's going to

789
00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,000
Speaker 1: be some kind of shared experience. And it's nice to

790
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:52,760
Speaker 1: just be able to look across the room at somebody

791
00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:54,359
Speaker 1: and not have to say anything and be like did

792
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:57,640
Speaker 1: you and they're like okay, and you didn't even exchange words,

793
00:38:57,680 --> 00:39:01,320
Speaker 1: and it's just like a whole other coal. So you know, Okay,

794
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:09,000
Speaker 1: hold that thought one second. Let's pay some bills. So

795
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,759
Speaker 1: what But what's your thought on on making friends and

796
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:14,439
Speaker 1: and black women and all that. What are your thoughts?

797
00:39:14,480 --> 00:39:16,319
Speaker 1: So I know you have one. I was raised by

798
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:18,319
Speaker 1: a single black well I would say my mom was.

799
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:23,280
Speaker 1: She wasn't a single parent, well a parent that's single

800
00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 1: basically not necessarily a single parent because my dad was around.

801
00:39:27,239 --> 00:39:35,680
Speaker 1: But I feel like, um, black women particularly um always

802
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,080
Speaker 1: feel like they have to warn their daughters about other

803
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,279
Speaker 1: black women. You know what I'm saying, Like, do you

804
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,319
Speaker 1: kind of feel like you can't even trust This is

805
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,239
Speaker 1: my experience. I don't know about y'all. You feel like

806
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 1: you can't even trust other black women until this day,

807
00:39:47,920 --> 00:39:50,319
Speaker 1: my mama she likes to say how she doesn't have

808
00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:52,919
Speaker 1: any friends, and it's it's I don't even trust women

809
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 1: who don't have friends or have a track record of

810
00:39:55,760 --> 00:39:59,440
Speaker 1: having successful friendships with other Black women are with women period?

811
00:39:59,719 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 1: Like feel like there's a problem with you, right why

812
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:07,040
Speaker 1: you don't ever have friends or haven't had any friends.

813
00:40:07,760 --> 00:40:11,279
Speaker 1: So that's that's my theory. Nelcie and I come from

814
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:14,640
Speaker 1: the household when my grandmother didn't trust nobody black, white,

815
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:18,439
Speaker 1: Mexican Asian. She always had a theory for every race

816
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,960
Speaker 1: on why you should not trust me, Like, yeah, she's

817
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:25,040
Speaker 1: gonna tell your business. It was equal opportunity. They're gonna

818
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:27,080
Speaker 1: tell your business. Don't tell them everything. They're gonna tell

819
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 1: your business. They're gonna try to get your man. It's

820
00:40:28,960 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 1: just all these negative things surrounding friendships. Um, and I

821
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,360
Speaker 1: love women like so she probably has had some traumatic

822
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:42,040
Speaker 1: experiences herself with friendships and that's why she views it. Yeah,

823
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:44,759
Speaker 1: that's this is so interesting. About a week ago, I

824
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:46,560
Speaker 1: saw this TikTok that went viral. I think it has

825
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 1: almost ai milion views, and it's a girl saying, um

826
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:54,480
Speaker 1: that she's realizing that if a girl can't be a

827
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:56,359
Speaker 1: good friend to her, it's because she had a bad mom.

828
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:58,160
Speaker 1: And I just thought, oh, this is interesting and has

829
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:01,880
Speaker 1: thousands of comments, and so, you know, I want to

830
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:03,719
Speaker 1: speak to that soon on my own podcasts and things

831
00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:05,719
Speaker 1: like that. But I was thinking, Oh, the ways that

832
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:10,320
Speaker 1: our mother's shape our approach and attitude to friendship today.

833
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,440
Speaker 1: It's things they say, it's things they do, it's did

834
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 1: they have friends? If not, then I didn't have a

835
00:41:15,800 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: healthy model of what having a girlfriend supposed to even

836
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:20,239
Speaker 1: look like because my mom didn't have people over to

837
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,680
Speaker 1: the house. So there's all these things that affect our approach.

838
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:24,920
Speaker 1: Now I'm not a psychologist, so I'm gonna stay in

839
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 1: my lane. I do think it's interesting that you know

840
00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:29,239
Speaker 1: her her issues were with black women. To me, that

841
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,120
Speaker 1: just shows me that her experiences were with black women.

842
00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:34,120
Speaker 1: So if I had three black women I called friends

843
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:35,719
Speaker 1: and they all betrayed me, and then I'm going to

844
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:39,480
Speaker 1: pull away some generalization about black women can't be trusted,

845
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:41,160
Speaker 1: so I could see how it put you on high

846
00:41:41,160 --> 00:41:43,359
Speaker 1: alert and your friendships of wait a second, my mom

847
00:41:43,400 --> 00:41:45,440
Speaker 1: told me this would happen. So there's a phrase for

848
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: in psychology, but I don't know if it's but it's

849
00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:51,080
Speaker 1: a subscribed But it's almost like if I think that

850
00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:53,040
Speaker 1: this thing is going to happen, then I suddenly see

851
00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:55,240
Speaker 1: it everywhere, and then I'm like, see, I knew it,

852
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:57,480
Speaker 1: But like, well, yeah, because you were anticipating that a

853
00:41:57,480 --> 00:41:59,200
Speaker 1: black woman is going to screw you over, you know

854
00:41:59,239 --> 00:42:01,919
Speaker 1: that you don't realize that a white women can screw

855
00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:04,160
Speaker 1: you over. And it almost almost I'm gonna draw a

856
00:42:04,160 --> 00:42:06,759
Speaker 1: connection here is like these black uh, these black men

857
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:09,080
Speaker 1: you hear talking about, why prefer a white woman because

858
00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:11,839
Speaker 1: blah blah blah, And we're like, what and she doesn't

859
00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:14,799
Speaker 1: have an attitude because you think an attitude is exclusive

860
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:17,439
Speaker 1: to a black woman. It's kind of the same thing.

861
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 1: So if we're like, well, these kind of women have

862
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 1: these issues, that's not exclusive to her. That's just people,

863
00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:25,880
Speaker 1: you know, or women who are like I can't do

864
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:29,040
Speaker 1: female friends because they they'll talk about you. Yeah, that's

865
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:31,879
Speaker 1: not exclusive to women. A male friend will talk about

866
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:33,719
Speaker 1: you when you walk away too, you know. And so

867
00:42:33,840 --> 00:42:35,800
Speaker 1: we have to kind of figure out, Wait a second,

868
00:42:35,800 --> 00:42:38,920
Speaker 1: what complexes or stereotypes do I have that are actually

869
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: getting in the way of me having the kind of

870
00:42:40,680 --> 00:42:44,239
Speaker 1: friendships that I want. M Yeah, I mean it's still

871
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:46,120
Speaker 1: to to this day she does, like if I want

872
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,759
Speaker 1: to talk to her about something that transpired between me

873
00:42:48,760 --> 00:42:51,120
Speaker 1: and a friend, she'll be like, well, I told you,

874
00:42:51,120 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 1: And I don't subscribe to that because I really cherished

875
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:57,000
Speaker 1: my friendships, you know what I'm saying, even when my

876
00:42:57,000 --> 00:42:58,960
Speaker 1: homegirl like I might hit her ass up next month,

877
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:03,080
Speaker 1: but I don't know, right, But I still I still wouldn't.

878
00:43:03,120 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 1: I don't easily discard people, and I don't think of

879
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,040
Speaker 1: myself as someone that you can just easily discard either,

880
00:43:08,640 --> 00:43:11,000
Speaker 1: you know. So I don't. I don't subscribe it. I

881
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:14,440
Speaker 1: think it's very healthy for women to have friends, and

882
00:43:14,440 --> 00:43:16,680
Speaker 1: I feel like I make friends pretty easy. I steal

883
00:43:16,760 --> 00:43:19,799
Speaker 1: friends too, Like I'm friends with people who the two

884
00:43:19,840 --> 00:43:22,319
Speaker 1: people aren't friends anymore, but I'm still friends with both

885
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 1: of them, you know what I'm saying. So, even moving

886
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:27,200
Speaker 1: to new cities, I've always been I mean, women in

887
00:43:27,239 --> 00:43:30,120
Speaker 1: the club and not picking them up. Just I've met

888
00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:31,880
Speaker 1: Like when I moved to St. Louis, I met one

889
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:38,440
Speaker 1: of my friends, I met the notes, I met my

890
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:41,320
Speaker 1: first friend in the club, and then I met her friends.

891
00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:43,440
Speaker 1: You know. So now I'm so friends with her and

892
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:46,640
Speaker 1: I'm so friends with the other one, and they aren't

893
00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:50,879
Speaker 1: friends anymore. So it's just I don't know, see, all right,

894
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:55,799
Speaker 1: I feel like I have a ton of acquaintances. All right,

895
00:43:55,920 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 1: I have a ton of acquaintances, Like a million of acquaintances,

896
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:02,240
Speaker 1: is right. But I'm like, I got so many green

897
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:07,040
Speaker 1: bubbles on my instant story, right, all these green bubbles,

898
00:44:07,080 --> 00:44:10,680
Speaker 1: but a lot of these women, like I don't see

899
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:16,360
Speaker 1: them as my friend, you know, I see them as acquaintance. Yeah,

900
00:44:16,520 --> 00:44:20,280
Speaker 1: we're cool. But I can't call you and share my truth.

901
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:24,520
Speaker 1: I can't. We can go party, we can go drink,

902
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:28,879
Speaker 1: we can share memes and ship like that. But let's

903
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:31,120
Speaker 1: talk about I'm gonna challenge you for a second though.

904
00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:34,880
Speaker 1: But but what do you think that's about? Why do

905
00:44:34,920 --> 00:44:40,840
Speaker 1: you why do you think they aren't more meaningful? I

906
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:44,879
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know, like I don't feel like

907
00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 1: um like, even with them, I don't feel like when

908
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:54,440
Speaker 1: they're doing things that are more intimate, I'm included, you know. Interesting. Okay,

909
00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:59,040
Speaker 1: so there's this um This concept is called like affrontimacy,

910
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:01,200
Speaker 1: a triangle and an other friendship expert, her name is

911
00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:03,520
Speaker 1: Shasta Nelson. She made this up. I'm wanting to picture

912
00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:06,120
Speaker 1: like a triangle, right, and her idea is that if

913
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:09,280
Speaker 1: you want a deep friendship, it has to have three things,

914
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:10,960
Speaker 1: and so she has each of the things written on

915
00:45:11,040 --> 00:45:12,960
Speaker 1: each side of the triangle. At the bottom of the

916
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:16,520
Speaker 1: triangle is positivity. So she argues that if every time

917
00:45:16,560 --> 00:45:19,160
Speaker 1: we get together it's something negative, then we're probably not

918
00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,200
Speaker 1: going to be close because all we do is complain,

919
00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:24,640
Speaker 1: vent whatever every time we're together. Now, obviously, do we

920
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:27,000
Speaker 1: do that sometimes in friendships, yes, But if out of

921
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:30,719
Speaker 1: our last ten interactions, nine of them were just talking

922
00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:33,360
Speaker 1: about just the horrible things, then we're not going to

923
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:35,839
Speaker 1: be close because all we do is just have negative interactions.

924
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,680
Speaker 1: So the first thing you need for for closeness is positivity.

925
00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:42,760
Speaker 1: The second thing is consistency. So I know it's popular

926
00:45:42,840 --> 00:45:44,440
Speaker 1: right now to say, like, oh, I don't have to

927
00:45:44,480 --> 00:45:46,400
Speaker 1: talk to my best friend for like ten years and

928
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,440
Speaker 1: we just pick up where we left off. Okay, I'm

929
00:45:48,440 --> 00:45:50,600
Speaker 1: sure for some people that's the thing, but if anything,

930
00:45:50,640 --> 00:45:52,759
Speaker 1: you had to kind of earn that to get there,

931
00:45:52,840 --> 00:45:55,360
Speaker 1: you know. But like, I know, there's this new popular

932
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,880
Speaker 1: thing about low maintenance friends. I see that a lot, like, oh,

933
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,439
Speaker 1: I'm a low maintenance friend, and I get at that,

934
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:02,840
Speaker 1: But I don't know if I support that, because I

935
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 1: feel like it's you being afraid to ask for what

936
00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:06,680
Speaker 1: you want. I don't know if anybody is comfortable with

937
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:08,799
Speaker 1: I only talk to you sometimes, and I never know

938
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,200
Speaker 1: when I'm gonna talk to you, and and so you

939
00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:15,080
Speaker 1: have to have consistency, meaning I regularly see you or

940
00:46:15,160 --> 00:46:19,319
Speaker 1: talk to you regularly. Somehow I cannot possibly be close

941
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:21,800
Speaker 1: to you if I'm talking to you once every three months,

942
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 1: trying to get to know you. It just doesn't work

943
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 1: like that. And then the third thing that you need

944
00:46:25,640 --> 00:46:29,520
Speaker 1: to have deep connections is vulnerability. And I know a

945
00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:31,560
Speaker 1: lot of us when we hear that word, we picture

946
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:33,960
Speaker 1: you know, you're crying your eyes out, or you're sharing

947
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,839
Speaker 1: some secret that happened to you when you were eight.

948
00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:38,480
Speaker 1: And that's like on the far end of vulnerability, like

949
00:46:38,480 --> 00:46:42,719
Speaker 1: a level ten. But vulnerability just means I can put

950
00:46:42,719 --> 00:46:45,759
Speaker 1: myself in a position where this person will possibly reject me,

951
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 1: which feels scary, and for those of us who want control,

952
00:46:48,520 --> 00:46:50,960
Speaker 1: we don't want to do that. But that's literally what

953
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 1: is required to feel close is I've been vulnerable with

954
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:55,560
Speaker 1: you a couple of times, and vice versa. And so

955
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 1: vulnerability can be as simple as let's say I find

956
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 1: a new friend group and they go to brunt every

957
00:47:00,280 --> 00:47:02,480
Speaker 1: weekend and they say, all right, Danielle, it's your turn

958
00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,480
Speaker 1: to pick where we go to brunch next weekend. And

959
00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 1: I might find myself thinking like, oh my god, I

960
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:07,960
Speaker 1: don't want to pick like a lame spot. I don't

961
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:09,960
Speaker 1: want to pick a spot that they think is stupid.

962
00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:13,240
Speaker 1: That is vulnerability because there's a chance that they're gonna

963
00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 1: reject my idea or think it was stupid, and so

964
00:47:16,680 --> 00:47:18,839
Speaker 1: that is vulnerability too. It's just like a level two

965
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,719
Speaker 1: it's not a level ten vulnerability where I'm self disclosing

966
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:24,520
Speaker 1: really personal things. But that is vulnerability too. So the

967
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 1: reason I asked why you feel like you may not

968
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,759
Speaker 1: be having as much depth as you want. We have

969
00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:31,040
Speaker 1: to pinpoint which of those things is missing. Would you

970
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:33,799
Speaker 1: say that any of your interactions it lacks positivity. Would

971
00:47:33,800 --> 00:47:35,799
Speaker 1: you say that you meet with the acquaintances in your

972
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:39,400
Speaker 1: life very irregularly, so y'all can't find a rhythm to

973
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:41,480
Speaker 1: get closed. Or would it be because you guys do

974
00:47:41,560 --> 00:47:44,880
Speaker 1: surface level things and so it never gets deep and

975
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:47,280
Speaker 1: it's like the cycle. One of those things or maybe

976
00:47:47,280 --> 00:47:50,239
Speaker 1: more of those things is missing. So what is it?

977
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:53,680
Speaker 1: What is So it's always positive energy over here? Right?

978
00:47:53,719 --> 00:47:56,360
Speaker 1: So I'm always a good time, right, but I probably

979
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:59,080
Speaker 1: don't show up a lot, right, So I do get

980
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:02,200
Speaker 1: invited ship, and I just stay in the house a lot, right,

981
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:06,160
Speaker 1: So I don't show up a lot, And then when

982
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:10,279
Speaker 1: I do show up, it's just we're talking about TikTok's

983
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:13,919
Speaker 1: and Instagram ship, and uh, this is very surface level ship.

984
00:48:13,960 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 1: It's never I mean I pick a restaurant, I don't

985
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:18,360
Speaker 1: give a funk. If you don't like it, then you

986
00:48:18,400 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 1: don't eat, like they don't. I don't feel like, you know,

987
00:48:25,719 --> 00:48:30,000
Speaker 1: that's vulnerable for me. But um yeah, maybe I don't

988
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:33,920
Speaker 1: allowed to be more than surface a lot of times

989
00:48:34,200 --> 00:48:35,640
Speaker 1: because a lot of us will say like, I can't

990
00:48:35,640 --> 00:48:37,480
Speaker 1: be close to them, and it's like, but do you

991
00:48:37,520 --> 00:48:41,719
Speaker 1: feel comfortable trying? Have you tested their capacity to accept

992
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 1: your vulnerability? And so it's almost like what came first,

993
00:48:44,200 --> 00:48:45,920
Speaker 1: the chicken or the egg kind of thing, because a

994
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:48,440
Speaker 1: lot of us are waiting for them to demonstrate emotional

995
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:51,520
Speaker 1: safety that I'd be safe here. But then we have

996
00:48:51,600 --> 00:48:53,600
Speaker 1: to give him a chance to show it. So I

997
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:56,719
Speaker 1: have to give you something to see if you are,

998
00:48:57,320 --> 00:49:00,840
Speaker 1: you know, open minded and things like that for me

999
00:49:00,920 --> 00:49:02,799
Speaker 1: to see like, okay, we can do that here. So

1000
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:04,480
Speaker 1: we have to test it though, So how I mean,

1001
00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 1: how do you are you open to that? See, that's

1002
00:49:07,640 --> 00:49:10,000
Speaker 1: another thing. I don't know if I'm even because sometimes

1003
00:49:10,080 --> 00:49:11,839
Speaker 1: I'd be like these bitches is cool, But I don't

1004
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:13,839
Speaker 1: even know if I fought with y'all like that, So

1005
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:16,799
Speaker 1: you know I'll be that I'll be more reserved like

1006
00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:19,400
Speaker 1: and then I'll be saying stuff like they're much younger

1007
00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:21,480
Speaker 1: than me. I don't know if we have a lot

1008
00:49:21,480 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 1: in common in that way, But aren't you looking for

1009
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:27,759
Speaker 1: men who don't have kids or husband and all that stuff? Yeah,

1010
00:49:27,800 --> 00:49:30,360
Speaker 1: so they always much younger than me, you know, so

1011
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:35,520
Speaker 1: I feel like I might be more mature girl childish?

1012
00:49:35,680 --> 00:49:38,000
Speaker 1: Hell what you talk about? Yeah, but I mean just

1013
00:49:38,040 --> 00:49:41,960
Speaker 1: like you're right, You're right, I am a childish just fu,

1014
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:45,920
Speaker 1: but you are not. I mean, the situation you're describing

1015
00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 1: is actually super common. About being women in their thirties

1016
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:51,480
Speaker 1: not married with kids is actually super common right now.

1017
00:49:51,719 --> 00:49:53,959
Speaker 1: You know, research is showing that more women are living

1018
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:56,840
Speaker 1: alone than ever before. So because we have the means

1019
00:49:56,880 --> 00:49:58,640
Speaker 1: to do it, we don't depend on a guy to

1020
00:49:58,840 --> 00:50:01,400
Speaker 1: house us. Until of us are living alone. A lot

1021
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:03,719
Speaker 1: of women are putting kids off until later, like they're

1022
00:50:03,760 --> 00:50:06,640
Speaker 1: choosing to not have kids yet they're putting off marriage.

1023
00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:08,920
Speaker 1: And so there's actually more and more women in the

1024
00:50:08,960 --> 00:50:11,239
Speaker 1: pool that you're describing. So I know that it is

1025
00:50:11,239 --> 00:50:13,040
Speaker 1: more common to find a woman in her thirties and

1026
00:50:13,080 --> 00:50:15,000
Speaker 1: she's married with kids, but there are a lot more

1027
00:50:15,080 --> 00:50:16,800
Speaker 1: women than they're used to be who are in the

1028
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:19,000
Speaker 1: thirties and do not have kids and are not married.

1029
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:21,840
Speaker 1: So they're out there. They're out there. Oh yeah, congratulations

1030
00:50:21,840 --> 00:50:25,040
Speaker 1: on a new baby. Oh thank you. Yes, I don't.

1031
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:28,359
Speaker 1: I don't know how people have more than one kid.

1032
00:50:28,440 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 1: It is crazy over here. Even before I got on

1033
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:32,319
Speaker 1: this call, I looked at my husband. I was like,

1034
00:50:32,480 --> 00:50:35,839
Speaker 1: keep that baby quiet. I'm on an interview. So it's

1035
00:50:35,920 --> 00:50:39,040
Speaker 1: it's crazy over here, but but it's a blessing. Yes,

1036
00:50:40,239 --> 00:50:43,279
Speaker 1: how did your baby? My son is three and then

1037
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:49,400
Speaker 1: my daughter is five weeks. Oh wow, you just fresh?

1038
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:57,919
Speaker 1: Yeah pretty much. Yeah, yeah, I can walk now. So yeah,

1039
00:50:57,920 --> 00:51:01,640
Speaker 1: it's it's it's it's going good. God, bless your girl.

1040
00:51:03,320 --> 00:51:07,200
Speaker 1: I'm dead by getting another dog. That's what I think.

1041
00:51:07,200 --> 00:51:09,320
Speaker 1: I'm about to get another dog, and I'm gonna have

1042
00:51:09,360 --> 00:51:11,279
Speaker 1: to throw that plan out and get another plant. The

1043
00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:14,200
Speaker 1: plant is I don't know what I did wrong. I

1044
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:20,239
Speaker 1: was wading it else, I'm talking to it like I

1045
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:27,200
Speaker 1: don't know. I feed it like you probably. It said

1046
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:30,680
Speaker 1: give it three cubes of ice once a week. That's

1047
00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:34,680
Speaker 1: what I did. And now the motherfucker's just looking real saying, hell,

1048
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:36,560
Speaker 1: what kind of planet is that that takes ice? It

1049
00:51:36,640 --> 00:51:38,440
Speaker 1: was a money tree, I got it out of hopefully

1050
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:44,160
Speaker 1: you're doing it wrong ship. That's why money tree. Yeah, man,

1051
00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:48,799
Speaker 1: see that get you say, two women listening, if you

1052
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:50,640
Speaker 1: have plant tips, you need to slide in my d

1053
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:52,879
Speaker 1: M and help me out because I'm struggling. And then

1054
00:51:52,880 --> 00:51:55,080
Speaker 1: they're like, oh my god, I have tips and then

1055
00:51:55,120 --> 00:51:58,239
Speaker 1: you kind of filter through there, you know. Yeah, if

1056
00:51:58,320 --> 00:52:04,319
Speaker 1: y'all tell me a plant that I can't kill, what's

1057
00:52:04,360 --> 00:52:09,919
Speaker 1: the plans of and low maintenance plants? Yes, I don't

1058
00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:12,000
Speaker 1: need low maintenance friends because I feel like I'm more

1059
00:52:12,160 --> 00:52:16,480
Speaker 1: of a medium maintenance friends. I wouldn't say hi, but

1060
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:20,680
Speaker 1: you know the post that I hate those posts that say, uh,

1061
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:24,400
Speaker 1: nobody checked on me? Y'all are aware those what that's

1062
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:27,520
Speaker 1: probably what people mean by having low maintenance friends? Like,

1063
00:52:28,120 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 1: at what point do you not think that everybody, including

1064
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: you and your friends are just going through ship? Right,

1065
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:35,359
Speaker 1: so somebody doesn't hit you up? Like did you hit

1066
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:37,840
Speaker 1: them up to see? I would be mad about that

1067
00:52:37,880 --> 00:52:41,040
Speaker 1: because I feel like I'm supportive, Like, once I value

1068
00:52:41,400 --> 00:52:44,480
Speaker 1: your friendship, I'm going to be supportive, I'm gonna hit

1069
00:52:44,520 --> 00:52:47,600
Speaker 1: you up. I'm going to like, are you good? If

1070
00:52:47,640 --> 00:52:49,680
Speaker 1: I know you're going through something. I'm going to offer

1071
00:52:49,880 --> 00:52:52,400
Speaker 1: whatever way I can help, but then I need that

1072
00:52:52,440 --> 00:52:57,080
Speaker 1: in return sometimes, like I need to know that you know,

1073
00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:59,200
Speaker 1: when I'm going through it, I hear from you too,

1074
00:52:59,440 --> 00:53:01,640
Speaker 1: you know, and I think something because even in the

1075
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:03,400
Speaker 1: midst of you going through some ship, I might be

1076
00:53:03,440 --> 00:53:05,640
Speaker 1: going through some ship, but I'm still here for you,

1077
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:07,399
Speaker 1: you know, I guess. So that's one of my New

1078
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:10,120
Speaker 1: Year's was I hate saying New Year's resolutions. So that's

1079
00:53:10,120 --> 00:53:11,799
Speaker 1: one of the things I want to work on, is

1080
00:53:12,360 --> 00:53:16,600
Speaker 1: affirming people one thing, because people always affirm semi affirmations

1081
00:53:16,600 --> 00:53:18,120
Speaker 1: and stuff like I don't always do it because I'm

1082
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:21,040
Speaker 1: not that thoughtful, you know. I want to be more thoughtful,

1083
00:53:21,080 --> 00:53:25,000
Speaker 1: like damn me, it's thoughtful like and stuff. I love

1084
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:27,600
Speaker 1: her like she going and those states, and I just

1085
00:53:27,760 --> 00:53:32,600
Speaker 1: don't not because I don't value our friendship. Art that

1086
00:53:32,640 --> 00:53:35,239
Speaker 1: I don't value her. I just I don't know in

1087
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:42,279
Speaker 1: my selfish m possibly I just don't be thinking about this,

1088
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:46,120
Speaker 1: just like I'm sorry, but but you are so are

1089
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:50,160
Speaker 1: very selfless too. So I've seen you do like some

1090
00:53:50,719 --> 00:53:53,799
Speaker 1: hugely selfless ship like ship. I would never do like

1091
00:53:53,880 --> 00:53:56,279
Speaker 1: this woman took a homeless lady into her house and

1092
00:53:56,360 --> 00:53:58,480
Speaker 1: let her live there a year, a whole woman. She

1093
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:02,160
Speaker 1: never don't know that ain't her cousin Auntie. This is

1094
00:54:02,200 --> 00:54:06,200
Speaker 1: a complete stranger that she would see leaving the gym,

1095
00:54:06,239 --> 00:54:08,200
Speaker 1: and she started talking to this woman and then took

1096
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:11,280
Speaker 1: her in her house and let her live there. Renfrey

1097
00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:15,239
Speaker 1: for an entire gonna I'm gonna show up for big things,

1098
00:54:15,360 --> 00:54:17,120
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, like little things, because I

1099
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:19,319
Speaker 1: don't fret about little things. So if my friend never

1100
00:54:19,360 --> 00:54:21,480
Speaker 1: buys me anything, I'm not gonna but I'm gonna show

1101
00:54:21,560 --> 00:54:23,439
Speaker 1: up when you have something. I'm gonna be the last

1102
00:54:23,440 --> 00:54:26,040
Speaker 1: person to leave and help you clean up. Like that's

1103
00:54:26,080 --> 00:54:30,759
Speaker 1: that's how I uh, friendship. That's so, that's so good

1104
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:33,240
Speaker 1: because everybody's heard of like the whole love language concept

1105
00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:35,200
Speaker 1: and like give love, how you receive love and all that,

1106
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:37,360
Speaker 1: but this is so good. So even hearing y'allse differences

1107
00:54:37,440 --> 00:54:39,400
Speaker 1: right now, like, oh, I'm the type you know a

1108
00:54:39,440 --> 00:54:41,440
Speaker 1: lot of little thoughtful things. I want to send them

1109
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:42,719
Speaker 1: your way and for you to say, like, yeah, I

1110
00:54:42,760 --> 00:54:44,440
Speaker 1: don't really operate like that, but I show up when

1111
00:54:44,440 --> 00:54:46,520
Speaker 1: it counts in a really big way. We all do.

1112
00:54:46,640 --> 00:54:48,960
Speaker 1: Friendship differently. And I think the biggest thing is I

1113
00:54:49,000 --> 00:54:50,799
Speaker 1: have a lot of women who, you know, when they're

1114
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:53,160
Speaker 1: talking about why they're unsatisfied with the friend, it's like, Oh,

1115
00:54:53,160 --> 00:54:54,920
Speaker 1: she didn't show up for me. She doesn't show up

1116
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:56,839
Speaker 1: for me. And the first question I always ask is

1117
00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,120
Speaker 1: what is showing up for you look like? And forcing

1118
00:54:59,160 --> 00:55:01,360
Speaker 1: you to define it? And then I asked, does she

1119
00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:04,879
Speaker 1: know that because we're penalizing each other for not showing up,

1120
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:07,879
Speaker 1: but she has no idea that that's what you need, Like, Oh,

1121
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 1: I didn't know that you like me to send you

1122
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:11,480
Speaker 1: lots of little thoughtful things. I thought it mattered that

1123
00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:13,720
Speaker 1: I stayed to help you clean up after the party,

1124
00:55:13,920 --> 00:55:15,839
Speaker 1: you know, And so I didn't know that you know

1125
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:18,440
Speaker 1: that that's meaningful to you, and so that if you

1126
00:55:18,560 --> 00:55:21,480
Speaker 1: don't get it, you're making assessments about our friendship. I

1127
00:55:21,480 --> 00:55:23,799
Speaker 1: didn't know that that's even what you need. Um. And

1128
00:55:23,880 --> 00:55:25,879
Speaker 1: so this is a perfect example of how we all

1129
00:55:25,920 --> 00:55:28,319
Speaker 1: do friendship differently. But I think the most important next

1130
00:55:28,360 --> 00:55:31,000
Speaker 1: step is what are you doing with that information? A

1131
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,600
Speaker 1: lot of us were like, no, that's just what I need.

1132
00:55:32,640 --> 00:55:34,359
Speaker 1: I need friends who can do it this way. How

1133
00:55:34,400 --> 00:55:37,160
Speaker 1: important is it to you? To receive it that way,

1134
00:55:37,320 --> 00:55:39,319
Speaker 1: and if it is, did you tell her that? But

1135
00:55:39,360 --> 00:55:41,759
Speaker 1: we can't keep penalizing each other for things that they

1136
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:43,920
Speaker 1: don't have access to that information. So I didn't even

1137
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,520
Speaker 1: know you're upset about it. I didn't know you need that.

1138
00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:49,560
Speaker 1: You never told me, you know. And so basically the

1139
00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:51,960
Speaker 1: same way we treat men in relationships, we kind of

1140
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,880
Speaker 1: do it to our friends. So you expect him to

1141
00:55:53,960 --> 00:55:55,880
Speaker 1: read your mind the same way men do. They expect

1142
00:55:55,880 --> 00:55:58,160
Speaker 1: that's read of minds too. But if you don't tell

1143
00:55:58,200 --> 00:56:00,800
Speaker 1: a person like this is how I want to be treated,

1144
00:56:02,080 --> 00:56:05,279
Speaker 1: they don't know, or we're scared that it makes us

1145
00:56:05,320 --> 00:56:09,560
Speaker 1: look like demanding or biteating or a need, so we

1146
00:56:09,640 --> 00:56:12,439
Speaker 1: don't say it. But again it goes back to this

1147
00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:17,000
Speaker 1: secret belief that friendship should be easy. Um, there's a

1148
00:56:17,080 --> 00:56:19,759
Speaker 1: research study that it asked a bunch of women, do

1149
00:56:19,800 --> 00:56:22,880
Speaker 1: you believe that making friends and friendship should be easy?

1150
00:56:23,120 --> 00:56:25,160
Speaker 1: Or do you believe that it should require work? And

1151
00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:28,440
Speaker 1: they followed those women for five years, and the women

1152
00:56:28,480 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 1: who said I believe that friendship should be easy, we're

1153
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:34,839
Speaker 1: reporting greater feelings of loneliness than the women who said, well,

1154
00:56:34,840 --> 00:56:36,919
Speaker 1: I anticipate friendship will kind of be a lot of work.

1155
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,880
Speaker 1: And so it's our expectations. If you're going around cutting

1156
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:42,560
Speaker 1: people off because you know, she did that, she did that,

1157
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:44,880
Speaker 1: or I shouldn't have to have a whole conversation she

1158
00:56:44,880 --> 00:56:47,560
Speaker 1: should know. I shouldn't have to all that. You're gonna

1159
00:56:47,560 --> 00:56:50,920
Speaker 1: find yourself starting from scratch over and over with new people.

1160
00:56:51,400 --> 00:56:53,480
Speaker 1: You know, I kind of stay away from women who

1161
00:56:53,560 --> 00:56:55,960
Speaker 1: always have like so my friends that I have lost

1162
00:56:56,200 --> 00:57:00,200
Speaker 1: are people who tend to always have different friends, Like

1163
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:03,360
Speaker 1: I have lifelong friends and relationships like people. When I

1164
00:57:03,400 --> 00:57:07,000
Speaker 1: meet somebody, I'm usually their friends forever, right, But the

1165
00:57:07,040 --> 00:57:09,880
Speaker 1: friends that I have lost are people who you always

1166
00:57:09,880 --> 00:57:12,160
Speaker 1: see them with different groups of people, like they just

1167
00:57:12,280 --> 00:57:16,080
Speaker 1: always have a new bestie. I'm not that way, you

1168
00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:19,960
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. That's what I was trying to Yes,

1169
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:22,800
Speaker 1: and they don't like girl, you just add water and

1170
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:24,720
Speaker 1: made an instant friend. Get out of here that it's

1171
00:57:24,720 --> 00:57:27,160
Speaker 1: not your friend, Like I'm your friend. That is not

1172
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:30,320
Speaker 1: your friends. That's gonna say, who is? Who's somebody friends?

1173
00:57:30,880 --> 00:57:33,040
Speaker 1: You don't get to tell somebody who they freend night.

1174
00:57:33,280 --> 00:57:35,640
Speaker 1: That's your friend because we befriend right now now, she's

1175
00:57:35,640 --> 00:57:37,479
Speaker 1: your friend this week. She ain't gonna be your friend

1176
00:57:37,480 --> 00:57:40,880
Speaker 1: next week. And you can't tell her your baby daddy business,

1177
00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:43,920
Speaker 1: like that's not your friend, get out of here. But

1178
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,439
Speaker 1: that's how you been. You start friendships like you gotta

1179
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:50,040
Speaker 1: it's gotta start somewhere, right. But if they always meet

1180
00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:53,800
Speaker 1: that just dad water friends is good, I'm stealing that. Yeah,

1181
00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:56,040
Speaker 1: it's hard because well, that's kind of the tricky thing

1182
00:57:56,080 --> 00:57:58,320
Speaker 1: about friendship is we're all defining it differently, right, Like

1183
00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:00,760
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, yeah, that's my friend, but some people

1184
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:03,160
Speaker 1: don't use that word loosely and they're just like, yeah,

1185
00:58:03,240 --> 00:58:05,560
Speaker 1: I know, or we're cool. Other people are like, oh

1186
00:58:05,640 --> 00:58:07,480
Speaker 1: yeah that's my friend. That's my friend and they met

1187
00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:10,160
Speaker 1: a week ago, and so we I mean, there's no rules.

1188
00:58:10,200 --> 00:58:12,680
Speaker 1: We're all out here using the same language, but we

1189
00:58:12,720 --> 00:58:15,080
Speaker 1: have different ideas of what we're talking about. And so

1190
00:58:15,240 --> 00:58:17,000
Speaker 1: you know, I'm the type that you know, I do

1191
00:58:17,280 --> 00:58:19,440
Speaker 1: kind of try to be mindful of how I use it.

1192
00:58:19,520 --> 00:58:20,960
Speaker 1: Or I'll say like, oh, yeah, yeah we're cool or

1193
00:58:21,000 --> 00:58:23,360
Speaker 1: yeah I know she is, but I don't bring myself

1194
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:27,480
Speaker 1: to say like, yeah, we're friends, because that means something different. Um,

1195
00:58:27,560 --> 00:58:30,080
Speaker 1: And so yeah, it's interesting that Some women are just like, oh,

1196
00:58:30,120 --> 00:58:32,720
Speaker 1: if I really like her and and we like hanging out,

1197
00:58:32,880 --> 00:58:35,840
Speaker 1: that's my friend. Others are like, no, I require a

1198
00:58:35,880 --> 00:58:38,320
Speaker 1: little bit more, um, and so I can see how

1199
00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:39,880
Speaker 1: you see that. And then a lot of women we

1200
00:58:39,880 --> 00:58:42,200
Speaker 1: need to be careful of what we call fast friendships,

1201
00:58:42,400 --> 00:58:45,160
Speaker 1: where you just are so caught up in chemistry. They're like, Okay,

1202
00:58:45,160 --> 00:58:47,120
Speaker 1: now you're my friend, and if you want to use

1203
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:49,920
Speaker 1: that language for her, that's fine. Um. But we have

1204
00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:52,240
Speaker 1: to be cautious of when we get really really close,

1205
00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:55,080
Speaker 1: really really fast, because it's just like with the romantic

1206
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:58,800
Speaker 1: relationship over And that's why I say acquaintance. She's an

1207
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:00,600
Speaker 1: acquaintance of mine. That's what I say. I don't call

1208
00:59:00,680 --> 00:59:02,760
Speaker 1: nobody like it take a lot for me to be like, oh, yeah,

1209
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:05,200
Speaker 1: that's my friend fish. I don't know you like that.

1210
00:59:08,680 --> 00:59:11,920
Speaker 1: But what I so, I I do hair and I

1211
00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:15,280
Speaker 1: treat all my clients like friends and family, right, I

1212
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:17,240
Speaker 1: treat them really, I treat them like that. I want

1213
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:19,560
Speaker 1: I try to build that report because when you sit

1214
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:22,160
Speaker 1: in a chair, you share things like I don't know

1215
00:59:22,160 --> 00:59:25,880
Speaker 1: if it's something about the energy transfer, but women opened

1216
00:59:25,920 --> 00:59:28,120
Speaker 1: up to me in a way that they wouldn't at

1217
00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:30,240
Speaker 1: a bank, right if they were coming to get their

1218
00:59:30,240 --> 00:59:31,880
Speaker 1: money from the bank. They're not telling the bank telling

1219
00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:34,520
Speaker 1: all that ship, right. So I treat them like friends

1220
00:59:34,560 --> 00:59:38,680
Speaker 1: and family, and some of them do become friends and family, right.

1221
00:59:39,200 --> 00:59:42,040
Speaker 1: But then sometimes I feel like they try to take

1222
00:59:42,080 --> 00:59:47,120
Speaker 1: advantage of that treatment and they want special treatment, like

1223
00:59:47,280 --> 00:59:48,960
Speaker 1: they think they can show up an hour late to

1224
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:52,920
Speaker 1: the appointment, or I'm supposed to work after I'm off

1225
00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:57,840
Speaker 1: because they track slipped out and they need me to stay,

1226
00:59:58,000 --> 01:00:01,320
Speaker 1: you know, like, and I end up falling out. Once

1227
01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:04,600
Speaker 1: I said a boundary. Once I said a boundary with

1228
01:00:04,720 --> 01:00:07,880
Speaker 1: a bit is fuck you, And then I'd be like

1229
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:10,000
Speaker 1: really mad, like I'll fight you when I see you,

1230
01:00:10,040 --> 01:00:12,920
Speaker 1: just because of how good I treated you. I've always

1231
01:00:12,920 --> 01:00:14,919
Speaker 1: treated you so good. And the one time I said

1232
01:00:14,920 --> 01:00:19,400
Speaker 1: a boundary and say no now as fuck me. So

1233
01:00:19,480 --> 01:00:21,080
Speaker 1: I have a lot I have that going on. I

1234
01:00:21,080 --> 01:00:26,080
Speaker 1: don't know how to have healthy boundaries within that. They

1235
01:00:26,120 --> 01:00:28,000
Speaker 1: don't know how to have hell sounds like they don't.

1236
01:00:28,000 --> 01:00:30,840
Speaker 1: It sounds like you have very reasonable boundaries, like you

1237
01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:32,480
Speaker 1: can't be asking me to stay after hours, like that's

1238
01:00:32,560 --> 01:00:35,560
Speaker 1: very reasonable. I'm wondering if one reason for that is

1239
01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:39,800
Speaker 1: if the relationships started with you being of service like

1240
01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:44,000
Speaker 1: doing their hair, then then it's kind of transactional. Now,

1241
01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:46,120
Speaker 1: of course, obviously that can turn into real friendships. But

1242
01:00:46,160 --> 01:00:48,680
Speaker 1: if the way that we started being friends or knowing

1243
01:00:48,720 --> 01:00:51,200
Speaker 1: each other is you're doing a service for me and

1244
01:00:51,240 --> 01:00:53,720
Speaker 1: then we become cool, then they might be kind of

1245
01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:57,680
Speaker 1: testing it because they it's not out of like genuine friendship.

1246
01:00:57,680 --> 01:01:00,320
Speaker 1: It's out of like, oh, I'm cool with you know

1247
01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:02,880
Speaker 1: my hair stylists, And so sometimes it's kind of tricky.

1248
01:01:02,920 --> 01:01:04,840
Speaker 1: That's why it's tricky making friends at work because at

1249
01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:06,520
Speaker 1: the heart of it, you have to wonder, what is

1250
01:01:06,560 --> 01:01:08,920
Speaker 1: this like a transactional thing, like we're using each other

1251
01:01:08,960 --> 01:01:11,960
Speaker 1: to climb the ladder, or are we like actual friends

1252
01:01:12,080 --> 01:01:15,240
Speaker 1: which requires me to honor your boundaries and we compromise

1253
01:01:15,280 --> 01:01:17,840
Speaker 1: for each other and it's totally different. But yeah, that's

1254
01:01:17,960 --> 01:01:20,240
Speaker 1: very telling. If you have women who are you know

1255
01:01:20,280 --> 01:01:22,040
Speaker 1: who they hear you say what you need or what

1256
01:01:22,080 --> 01:01:24,439
Speaker 1: you won't do and try to push anyway, I mean,

1257
01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:27,720
Speaker 1: that's just yeah. I have that. I have lost like

1258
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:30,919
Speaker 1: two people that I considered that I considered my real friend,

1259
01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:33,880
Speaker 1: not an acquaintance, like I consider my friend that like

1260
01:01:34,520 --> 01:01:36,000
Speaker 1: I don't want to be her friend or more because

1261
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:38,280
Speaker 1: she wouldn't do my hair if I thirty, Like, what

1262
01:01:38,400 --> 01:01:41,400
Speaker 1: the fuck? It was never my friend to begin with

1263
01:01:41,440 --> 01:01:44,360
Speaker 1: a bit snappy when I say, like I'm joking, I don't.

1264
01:01:45,320 --> 01:01:48,240
Speaker 1: I don't believe in violence, y'all, and you'd be the

1265
01:01:48,280 --> 01:01:51,360
Speaker 1: main one I'm saying that says, uh, we talk back.

1266
01:01:51,440 --> 01:01:54,280
Speaker 1: That's not condoned violence. I don't. I don't really mean that.

1267
01:01:54,400 --> 01:01:56,840
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm I'm growing up. I'm not gonna hit you, right,

1268
01:01:56,920 --> 01:01:59,320
Speaker 1: but my feelings be heard, so i'd be wanting to

1269
01:01:59,320 --> 01:02:01,320
Speaker 1: slap the ship I bitch. I ain't gonna lie, but

1270
01:02:02,000 --> 01:02:05,800
Speaker 1: just because my feelings hurt, that's just how it comes out. Yeah,

1271
01:02:05,840 --> 01:02:08,800
Speaker 1: that's disappointing because they obviously should be able to say like, oh,

1272
01:02:08,840 --> 01:02:10,920
Speaker 1: of course, I don't expect you to work longer than normal.

1273
01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:13,200
Speaker 1: I don't expect you know. So Yeah, that is people

1274
01:02:13,200 --> 01:02:15,200
Speaker 1: who I would wonder what the rest of their friendships

1275
01:02:15,200 --> 01:02:16,800
Speaker 1: look like. Let me say like that, if they don't

1276
01:02:16,800 --> 01:02:18,600
Speaker 1: see the problem with pushing you past what you said

1277
01:02:18,640 --> 01:02:20,280
Speaker 1: you don't want to deal, then it would just make

1278
01:02:20,320 --> 01:02:24,520
Speaker 1: me wonder if they just respect, like just in general, right,

1279
01:02:25,880 --> 01:02:29,080
Speaker 1: y'all also look, so this is another thing we can

1280
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:31,920
Speaker 1: add to our Knew Years resolutions. For two, we are

1281
01:02:32,040 --> 01:02:37,960
Speaker 1: making more meaningful friendships. I like, I want to be

1282
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:40,440
Speaker 1: surrounded by millionaires. That way I would never be broken in. Like,

1283
01:02:40,480 --> 01:02:45,280
Speaker 1: I know I can borrow money from my friends, they

1284
01:02:45,280 --> 01:02:49,400
Speaker 1: can borrow money from me. Like those are real life goals. Um,

1285
01:02:49,840 --> 01:02:52,080
Speaker 1: I don't care what how much money people got. I

1286
01:02:52,120 --> 01:02:56,880
Speaker 1: just want genuine people who I can love and they

1287
01:02:56,880 --> 01:02:59,560
Speaker 1: can love me back with my flaws because I come

1288
01:02:59,600 --> 01:03:03,840
Speaker 1: with flaws, right, and they don't discard of me because

1289
01:03:03,840 --> 01:03:06,280
Speaker 1: of them, you know, like they're willing to work through

1290
01:03:06,320 --> 01:03:09,439
Speaker 1: any difference with me. And likewise, you know, I don't

1291
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:12,440
Speaker 1: expect people to come perfect, and if they was perfect,

1292
01:03:12,480 --> 01:03:14,720
Speaker 1: they probably wouldn't want to be my imperfect friend, right,

1293
01:03:15,320 --> 01:03:18,800
Speaker 1: Like why my friends with this bitch it's not as

1294
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:21,560
Speaker 1: perfect as me. I love that you said that, because

1295
01:03:21,560 --> 01:03:23,080
Speaker 1: that's true, right is as I hear a lot of

1296
01:03:23,120 --> 01:03:25,320
Speaker 1: women like, oh, well she's to this or she did this,

1297
01:03:25,480 --> 01:03:30,600
Speaker 1: and they don't have much tolerance um for shortcomings of friends,

1298
01:03:30,600 --> 01:03:32,480
Speaker 1: Like we'll say it, but then when it happens, we're like, A,

1299
01:03:32,640 --> 01:03:34,880
Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm not feeling it or whatever. And

1300
01:03:34,920 --> 01:03:37,080
Speaker 1: I think we forget that well, a lot of the

1301
01:03:37,120 --> 01:03:40,520
Speaker 1: friends you currently have, they're making accommodations for you. And

1302
01:03:40,560 --> 01:03:42,720
Speaker 1: I mean, I think one reality we don't acknowledge is like,

1303
01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:45,400
Speaker 1: you know, that friend who irritates you or has that thing,

1304
01:03:45,680 --> 01:03:48,000
Speaker 1: she has that for you too, Like she loves you,

1305
01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:50,520
Speaker 1: but she thinks some of the things you do are

1306
01:03:50,520 --> 01:03:53,280
Speaker 1: really obnoxious too. And so if we're walking around kind

1307
01:03:53,280 --> 01:03:56,720
Speaker 1: of in the critics seat and we can pinpoint everybody

1308
01:03:56,720 --> 01:03:59,600
Speaker 1: else's shortcoming, I think a reality check is yeah, and

1309
01:03:59,600 --> 01:04:01,680
Speaker 1: the people in your life are doing that for you too.

1310
01:04:02,120 --> 01:04:04,080
Speaker 1: I think maybe that humbles us and makes us see

1311
01:04:04,120 --> 01:04:07,080
Speaker 1: the importance of, you know, not looking for the perfect

1312
01:04:07,200 --> 01:04:10,520
Speaker 1: friend who totally gets us and never disappoints us. That's

1313
01:04:10,560 --> 01:04:15,320
Speaker 1: just not realistic. Mm hmm. Yeah. I remember one year

1314
01:04:15,440 --> 01:04:18,160
Speaker 1: my best friend tore my house up. She like knocked

1315
01:04:18,200 --> 01:04:20,640
Speaker 1: it off the counter. She was so mad at me,

1316
01:04:20,680 --> 01:04:22,760
Speaker 1: But I was like, I was like picking, pick and

1317
01:04:22,800 --> 01:04:24,960
Speaker 1: pick and pick and picking. And I didn't realize I

1318
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:29,520
Speaker 1: was doing it because we were drunk. And I realized

1319
01:04:29,560 --> 01:04:31,479
Speaker 1: it when all my ship was broke on the floor.

1320
01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:34,560
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, I went too far, didn't I

1321
01:04:35,400 --> 01:04:37,600
Speaker 1: so what you call her bat at something because that

1322
01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:40,000
Speaker 1: that I'll funk your house up. You call me fat

1323
01:04:40,040 --> 01:04:42,960
Speaker 1: now I can knock her fast. She had some perfect

1324
01:04:43,000 --> 01:04:44,840
Speaker 1: figure that would be the only thing that makes that

1325
01:04:44,880 --> 01:04:47,080
Speaker 1: would make me mess somebody house up. That's the way

1326
01:04:47,080 --> 01:04:50,080
Speaker 1: I'm talking about me. I was just barking orders at everybody.

1327
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:52,840
Speaker 1: I think that's how I was. I was, you know,

1328
01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:56,200
Speaker 1: I got a very aggressive personality and instead of saying

1329
01:04:56,520 --> 01:05:00,320
Speaker 1: can you do this please, or just like we need

1330
01:05:00,320 --> 01:05:02,880
Speaker 1: to go and we do this, and yeah, I was

1331
01:05:02,920 --> 01:05:08,080
Speaker 1: just very being very tammy. And she had had enough

1332
01:05:08,160 --> 01:05:13,320
Speaker 1: that day and she showed me her forearm. She took

1333
01:05:13,360 --> 01:05:18,160
Speaker 1: her forearm and cleared my whole fucking island off. Are

1334
01:05:18,160 --> 01:05:21,840
Speaker 1: you still friends? Best friends? That's still my best friend

1335
01:05:21,840 --> 01:05:25,080
Speaker 1: in the world. Maybe abusing each other? No, No, that

1336
01:05:25,200 --> 01:05:27,680
Speaker 1: is the one time in our entire friendship, the one

1337
01:05:27,720 --> 01:05:29,320
Speaker 1: I wrote the note in the twelfth grade, we thought,

1338
01:05:29,360 --> 01:05:37,760
Speaker 1: I was yeah, yeah her so yeah, we ended up.

1339
01:05:37,880 --> 01:05:39,800
Speaker 1: She called me that same night. It didn't even go

1340
01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:42,760
Speaker 1: on that long, Like we didn't even fight that long,

1341
01:05:43,120 --> 01:05:45,600
Speaker 1: and you know, we made up and she's like, I'm

1342
01:05:45,880 --> 01:05:47,680
Speaker 1: she sent me a cash app because this wasn't that

1343
01:05:47,720 --> 01:05:50,960
Speaker 1: long ago. That's how you know cash She sent me

1344
01:05:51,000 --> 01:05:53,000
Speaker 1: a cash app for all the stuff that she broke,

1345
01:05:54,600 --> 01:05:58,600
Speaker 1: and I apologize for being tammy and we made up.

1346
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:03,160
Speaker 1: That's the Yeah, don't come nobody. I ain't saying it's

1347
01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:04,919
Speaker 1: just come in my house and break my ship. There,

1348
01:06:05,160 --> 01:06:09,720
Speaker 1: figure out to fight. Let's talk, because it won't go

1349
01:06:09,800 --> 01:06:12,600
Speaker 1: the same way for you that it went for her. Like,

1350
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:14,360
Speaker 1: you know, it's the last thing I want to talk about.

1351
01:06:14,480 --> 01:06:19,120
Speaker 1: I don't like friends that tell their significant others my business,

1352
01:06:20,800 --> 01:06:22,640
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, Like, that's a problem I

1353
01:06:22,680 --> 01:06:25,400
Speaker 1: feel like I have with some people because I've had

1354
01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:27,240
Speaker 1: a friend who I would be on the phone her

1355
01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:29,840
Speaker 1: and somehow you got me on speaker phones and now

1356
01:06:29,920 --> 01:06:32,240
Speaker 1: your man is chiming in on what the hell are

1357
01:06:32,240 --> 01:06:33,920
Speaker 1: we talking about? So how does he even know what

1358
01:06:33,960 --> 01:06:39,000
Speaker 1: we're talking about? Yeah, I just anticipate that. Why though,

1359
01:06:39,000 --> 01:06:40,720
Speaker 1: I guess you need to ask if you you need

1360
01:06:40,760 --> 01:06:43,080
Speaker 1: to ask a friend first, if you meet a woman's like, hey,

1361
01:06:43,120 --> 01:06:45,600
Speaker 1: are you a chatty patty? Like, do you feel like

1362
01:06:45,640 --> 01:06:47,880
Speaker 1: you have to tell your man everything? Because because I

1363
01:06:47,880 --> 01:06:50,960
Speaker 1: don't like that. Yeah, yeah, that's it almost feels like

1364
01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:53,160
Speaker 1: one of those girl code things. Like, we shouldn't have

1365
01:06:53,240 --> 01:06:55,400
Speaker 1: to say this, but it goes to how you you

1366
01:06:55,480 --> 01:06:57,720
Speaker 1: do have to say things because we're operating under two

1367
01:06:57,720 --> 01:07:00,320
Speaker 1: different realities of what's okay. For a lot of women,

1368
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:02,960
Speaker 1: they feel like when they tell you, oh, obviously I'm

1369
01:07:03,000 --> 01:07:05,040
Speaker 1: gonna tell anybody. A lot of them believe that the

1370
01:07:05,040 --> 01:07:08,800
Speaker 1: spouse doesn't count because they believe in their relationship. Of course,

1371
01:07:08,880 --> 01:07:11,320
Speaker 1: tell you, I'll say, don't repeat this. Yeah, yeah, I'll

1372
01:07:11,320 --> 01:07:13,720
Speaker 1: say that, and then she she will be like one

1373
01:07:13,760 --> 01:07:15,200
Speaker 1: of my friends. She will be like, girl, i ain

1374
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:17,400
Speaker 1: gonna tell nobody. But then now he's commenting in the

1375
01:07:17,400 --> 01:07:21,640
Speaker 1: middle of our conversation, what the hell. So maybe that's

1376
01:07:21,640 --> 01:07:23,600
Speaker 1: where we have to be like, don't tell anybody, and

1377
01:07:23,680 --> 01:07:26,200
Speaker 1: I'm talking even your man. Don't tell Travis either. You know,

1378
01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:29,000
Speaker 1: sometimes we have to say specifically, no way. At least

1379
01:07:29,040 --> 01:07:32,080
Speaker 1: later we can say I told you specifically, But now

1380
01:07:32,120 --> 01:07:33,640
Speaker 1: he won't let you come out to play because he's

1381
01:07:33,680 --> 01:07:35,200
Speaker 1: calling me a whole because you don't told him my

1382
01:07:35,280 --> 01:07:41,480
Speaker 1: dad business. And that's why you don't. That's why you don't. Yeh, Travis,

1383
01:07:41,480 --> 01:07:43,960
Speaker 1: No everything though, that's a lot of times, you know,

1384
01:07:44,080 --> 01:07:46,000
Speaker 1: just have to be prepared for Travis to know. That's

1385
01:07:46,000 --> 01:07:48,920
Speaker 1: how I feel like. If I don't, if it's something

1386
01:07:48,920 --> 01:07:50,760
Speaker 1: that I feel like, Travis don't need to know, I'm

1387
01:07:50,800 --> 01:07:53,720
Speaker 1: not gonna tell her either, right, That's how I just

1388
01:07:53,760 --> 01:07:56,280
Speaker 1: feel like I have to operate because Travis is gonna

1389
01:07:56,280 --> 01:07:59,200
Speaker 1: be like man, Timmy be on that they'd be laying

1390
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:05,120
Speaker 1: in a bit, Travis, No, all my business, your life

1391
01:08:05,160 --> 01:08:07,640
Speaker 1: like a TV show for them. But I've also been

1392
01:08:07,680 --> 01:08:10,080
Speaker 1: that friend, though I also have sad with my nigga

1393
01:08:10,440 --> 01:08:13,200
Speaker 1: and was like, let me tell you what Ashley just did.

1394
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:19,600
Speaker 1: It is crazy. I'm not gonna tell anything that's too incriminating. No,

1395
01:08:19,680 --> 01:08:23,400
Speaker 1: I won't tell anything that's like like wow, wow, but

1396
01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:26,600
Speaker 1: I have I can't even sit here in line and

1397
01:08:26,640 --> 01:08:29,040
Speaker 1: say I haven't done it. You know that I haven't

1398
01:08:29,040 --> 01:08:31,880
Speaker 1: shared with my man when I had a man, and

1399
01:08:31,920 --> 01:08:33,519
Speaker 1: I ain't got no man now, so you ain't got

1400
01:08:33,520 --> 01:08:40,240
Speaker 1: nothing to worry about. But I've done. This is really fun.

1401
01:08:40,720 --> 01:08:43,839
Speaker 1: I like women man, you know, in the friendship manner,

1402
01:08:44,360 --> 01:08:48,320
Speaker 1: and I like them in both friend is sometime more

1403
01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:51,400
Speaker 1: it's only drunk, though only drunk once we're sober the

1404
01:08:51,439 --> 01:08:52,920
Speaker 1: next day. I ain't even gonna try you like that,

1405
01:08:52,960 --> 01:08:57,800
Speaker 1: and don't try me either. Okay, yeah, you're gonna have

1406
01:08:57,800 --> 01:09:01,160
Speaker 1: to make that cure. You don't have to make that clear. Yeah,

1407
01:09:02,000 --> 01:09:05,840
Speaker 1: this is good. And you know what um when you

1408
01:09:05,840 --> 01:09:07,280
Speaker 1: know a lot of us are familiar with like the

1409
01:09:07,320 --> 01:09:09,640
Speaker 1: fight or flight concept, like when you get stress or

1410
01:09:09,640 --> 01:09:11,840
Speaker 1: you're gonna fight or flight. When they did that research

1411
01:09:11,840 --> 01:09:14,080
Speaker 1: study again, they did it with women, and they found

1412
01:09:14,080 --> 01:09:16,800
Speaker 1: that women have an extra set of responses that we

1413
01:09:16,800 --> 01:09:19,360
Speaker 1: do when we're stressed, and it's called tend or befriend.

1414
01:09:19,600 --> 01:09:22,280
Speaker 1: So when we get stressed sometimes we'll literally go to

1415
01:09:22,479 --> 01:09:26,160
Speaker 1: other women to talk in the stress. And the research

1416
01:09:26,200 --> 01:09:29,000
Speaker 1: study found that when women get together and their stressed

1417
01:09:29,240 --> 01:09:31,120
Speaker 1: and we talk and we mingle and we try to

1418
01:09:31,120 --> 01:09:35,800
Speaker 1: help each other through, it produces oxytocin, which literally decreases

1419
01:09:35,840 --> 01:09:39,200
Speaker 1: our stress. And so I mean there's biology to this,

1420
01:09:39,320 --> 01:09:41,240
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. So that's why when you

1421
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:43,280
Speaker 1: have a really good talk with your friend or something

1422
01:09:43,320 --> 01:09:44,920
Speaker 1: like this where we just chatted and you're like, man,

1423
01:09:44,960 --> 01:09:47,599
Speaker 1: I'm among other women that felt really good. There really

1424
01:09:47,680 --> 01:09:49,720
Speaker 1: is something to that. And so I always joke, you

1425
01:09:49,720 --> 01:09:51,200
Speaker 1: know when your man's like, oh, what are you gonna

1426
01:09:51,240 --> 01:09:52,840
Speaker 1: go and tell all your friends? It's like Yeah, that's

1427
01:09:52,840 --> 01:09:56,439
Speaker 1: exactly what I'm gonna do because it really works. Yea, yeah,

1428
01:09:56,439 --> 01:09:59,040
Speaker 1: a little listeners know where they can find you at

1429
01:09:59,080 --> 01:10:02,800
Speaker 1: all the details. Yeah, so, um I'm on Instagram of course,

1430
01:10:02,880 --> 01:10:06,519
Speaker 1: it's my full name um Or on Instagram at friend Forward,

1431
01:10:06,600 --> 01:10:09,479
Speaker 1: and I also have a weekly podcast also called friend Forward,

1432
01:10:09,760 --> 01:10:11,880
Speaker 1: and that's all we talk about. And then everything else

1433
01:10:11,960 --> 01:10:14,519
Speaker 1: is at Better Female Friendships dot Com and the whole

1434
01:10:14,520 --> 01:10:17,919
Speaker 1: thing is just dedicated to helping you create and maintain

1435
01:10:18,000 --> 01:10:22,679
Speaker 1: better friendships with other women. Totally platonic, damny, no nothing else.

1436
01:10:22,800 --> 01:10:31,320
Speaker 1: So okay, it's not a dating website. Y'all can't pick

1437
01:10:31,400 --> 01:10:39,000
Speaker 1: up no bitches at freend Sport, all right, No, No,

1438
01:10:39,080 --> 01:10:41,120
Speaker 1: we gotta do it. We gotta do a dumb bage story,

1439
01:10:41,880 --> 01:10:46,240
Speaker 1: dumb based stories, because we've all been a dumb bitch

1440
01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:51,240
Speaker 1: at least once or twice. I don't know if you

1441
01:10:51,760 --> 01:10:53,880
Speaker 1: listen to our show, but we have this segment call

1442
01:10:54,439 --> 01:10:56,439
Speaker 1: dumb bag Story. And it's not that you're a dumb

1443
01:10:56,439 --> 01:10:58,880
Speaker 1: bitch or anything. It's just you had a dumb bach moment. Right,

1444
01:10:59,240 --> 01:11:02,040
Speaker 1: So we've all this had a had a time where

1445
01:11:02,080 --> 01:11:05,519
Speaker 1: we got played by somebody, or we got cheated on

1446
01:11:06,040 --> 01:11:08,559
Speaker 1: or something like that. But you could do it like

1447
01:11:08,920 --> 01:11:10,920
Speaker 1: a friendship one you don't. It doesn't have to be

1448
01:11:10,960 --> 01:11:17,120
Speaker 1: with the man um um. You know. First, I'll say

1449
01:11:17,520 --> 01:11:20,200
Speaker 1: this is sometimes people ask me like why I'm I'm

1450
01:11:20,200 --> 01:11:22,160
Speaker 1: in the space and things like that, and I say,

1451
01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:24,320
Speaker 1: it's because I used to be a really bad friend.

1452
01:11:24,360 --> 01:11:26,160
Speaker 1: I think that's why I'm so good at operating now

1453
01:11:26,200 --> 01:11:30,080
Speaker 1: as a coach, because lived experience. So with that being said, um,

1454
01:11:30,240 --> 01:11:31,920
Speaker 1: because I'm not gonna say too much, you guys put

1455
01:11:31,920 --> 01:11:33,880
Speaker 1: it all out there, I'm not there, okay, but I

1456
01:11:33,920 --> 01:11:37,320
Speaker 1: will say that I've I've had a friendship before we're

1457
01:11:38,400 --> 01:11:41,840
Speaker 1: um where I you know, you know, sometimes you break

1458
01:11:41,880 --> 01:11:44,320
Speaker 1: girl code whatever that means, or you know, we we

1459
01:11:44,320 --> 01:11:46,680
Speaker 1: we have rules about don't date this guy or be

1460
01:11:46,760 --> 01:11:49,360
Speaker 1: with this guy if if he was that whole thing,

1461
01:11:49,800 --> 01:11:52,719
Speaker 1: and I definitely did not honor that, and I knew

1462
01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:54,920
Speaker 1: at the time that it probably would stir stuff up.

1463
01:11:54,960 --> 01:11:57,000
Speaker 1: And this was like years ago, but you know, you

1464
01:11:57,000 --> 01:11:59,760
Speaker 1: you start to justify in your head and I feel like, um,

1465
01:11:59,800 --> 01:12:01,280
Speaker 1: that was one of those things where you put a

1466
01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:04,200
Speaker 1: guy before your friend in the moment, and when things

1467
01:12:04,280 --> 01:12:07,320
Speaker 1: materialized and the consequences come out, you realize it was

1468
01:12:07,439 --> 01:12:09,959
Speaker 1: not even worth it, but you just were not thinking,

1469
01:12:10,479 --> 01:12:12,920
Speaker 1: you know, clearly or you know. And so I've had

1470
01:12:12,960 --> 01:12:14,960
Speaker 1: some you know, I've had that moment before and it

1471
01:12:15,320 --> 01:12:18,439
Speaker 1: kind of strained a friendship that I really, honestly wish

1472
01:12:18,479 --> 01:12:21,240
Speaker 1: I still had today. But this was years ago. That

1473
01:12:21,400 --> 01:12:24,040
Speaker 1: was you know, Danielle one point oh, I'm Danielle three

1474
01:12:24,080 --> 01:12:26,320
Speaker 1: point oh. You know, so I'd like to think I learned,

1475
01:12:26,360 --> 01:12:28,679
Speaker 1: but maybe that would be my moment is is putting

1476
01:12:28,720 --> 01:12:31,680
Speaker 1: guys over friends and then not being prepared for the

1477
01:12:31,720 --> 01:12:34,240
Speaker 1: consequence of losing the friend. And I can admit that

1478
01:12:34,240 --> 01:12:36,880
Speaker 1: that that was totally on me. That's a friendship that ended,

1479
01:12:36,880 --> 01:12:41,800
Speaker 1: and that was my fault. So one of your friends,

1480
01:12:43,600 --> 01:12:48,880
Speaker 1: that's what I heard. Wait, confused, that's what I heard,

1481
01:12:50,280 --> 01:12:52,640
Speaker 1: just putting guys before friends. I'll just say like that.

1482
01:12:52,960 --> 01:12:59,800
Speaker 1: I'll come on now, okay, So what I'm hearing is

1483
01:13:01,040 --> 01:13:06,880
Speaker 1: clutch my pearls. Let me clutch my pearl. Thank you

1484
01:13:06,960 --> 01:13:09,120
Speaker 1: so much for joining us. This was a lot of fun.

1485
01:13:09,160 --> 01:13:11,439
Speaker 1: I really enjoyed this episode, and I think I got

1486
01:13:11,479 --> 01:13:13,880
Speaker 1: some tools because all right, the friend that I was

1487
01:13:13,920 --> 01:13:16,360
Speaker 1: talking about where I said that I told her she

1488
01:13:16,439 --> 01:13:19,719
Speaker 1: was sometime me. I'm going to revisit that friend next

1489
01:13:19,760 --> 01:13:23,400
Speaker 1: week and trying to like men fences because I don't

1490
01:13:23,400 --> 01:13:25,160
Speaker 1: miss her. You know, look at that, I'm not trying

1491
01:13:25,160 --> 01:13:28,200
Speaker 1: to So thank you for that. And I'm gonna I'm

1492
01:13:28,200 --> 01:13:31,160
Speaker 1: not gonna be like, bitch, what's the problem. I'm gonna

1493
01:13:31,160 --> 01:13:34,160
Speaker 1: be like, I just want to start with letting you

1494
01:13:34,200 --> 01:13:37,240
Speaker 1: know that I value our friendship and I'm coming from

1495
01:13:37,240 --> 01:13:40,320
Speaker 1: a place of love when i have this conversation with you.

1496
01:13:40,720 --> 01:13:49,519
Speaker 1: Look at growth. That's good. That's good. Yeah, I know

1497
01:13:49,560 --> 01:13:51,799
Speaker 1: this is good. I appreciate you all having this conversation.

1498
01:13:51,920 --> 01:13:54,360
Speaker 1: I feel like we don't talk about this enough, and

1499
01:13:54,439 --> 01:13:57,959
Speaker 1: so I appreciate you being intentional about having this conversation.

1500
01:13:58,000 --> 01:14:00,519
Speaker 1: And I'm sure there are people listening when been listening

1501
01:14:00,520 --> 01:14:03,120
Speaker 1: who needed some of the things y'all shared honestly and

1502
01:14:03,160 --> 01:14:05,240
Speaker 1: openly about, and so I'm glad that more of us

1503
01:14:05,280 --> 01:14:09,040
Speaker 1: are starting to have this kind of dialogue. Yes, my

1504
01:14:09,160 --> 01:14:14,559
Speaker 1: quest is Daniel Jackson. Y'all listen. So if you guys

1505
01:14:14,640 --> 01:14:17,720
Speaker 1: enjoyed this episode, please tune in every Thursday on the

1506
01:14:17,800 --> 01:14:20,160
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio Apple wherever the fun you get your

1507
01:14:20,200 --> 01:14:25,320
Speaker 1: podcast that we laugh it's your girl. A J. Holiday

1508
01:14:25,360 --> 01:14:29,439
Speaker 1: to play on Instagram and it's official. Tam Bam y'all

1509
01:14:29,479 --> 01:14:31,800
Speaker 1: on Instagram, y'all follow me and listen. I love y'all

1510
01:14:31,840 --> 01:14:33,960
Speaker 1: and I'll be your friend. If y'all need some friends,

1511
01:14:34,240 --> 01:14:36,719
Speaker 1: hit us up, talk to us, send us some dumbing

1512
01:14:36,800 --> 01:14:40,120
Speaker 1: stories because we're always friendly when we respond to those.

1513
01:14:40,560 --> 01:14:44,120
Speaker 1: If you're white folks, we need some questions for asked

1514
01:14:44,160 --> 01:14:47,479
Speaker 1: a black friend where your black friend were already your

1515
01:14:47,479 --> 01:14:51,400
Speaker 1: fucking friends. So send us a message, send us a question.

1516
01:14:52,120 --> 01:14:54,760
Speaker 1: We love y'all. Y'all have a good one. Thanks,