WEBVTT - Friendship isn’t efficient — and that’s OK

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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<v Speaker 1>Today's tip is to recognize that friendship isn't efficient, and

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<v Speaker 1>that's okay. People are a good use of time even

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<v Speaker 1>if the pace is a bit ponderous and not everything

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<v Speaker 1>works out. Today's tip comes from Shasta Nelson's book Frontimacy,

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<v Speaker 1>How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Listeners

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<v Speaker 1>who also tune into the Best of Both Worlds podcast,

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<v Speaker 1>which I co host with Sarah hart Unger, may remember

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<v Speaker 1>Shasta as a guest on our show last fall. Shasta's

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<v Speaker 1>work responds to the desire that many people have to

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<v Speaker 1>form more meaningful friendships, which is not as easy as

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<v Speaker 1>one might hope. Lots of people lam how hard it

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<v Speaker 1>is to make friends as an adult. When you're in school,

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<v Speaker 1>you spend your days with people about the same age

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<v Speaker 1>as you and whose daily lives are fairly similar. You

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<v Speaker 1>are surrounded by potential friends. Once you're out of school,

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<v Speaker 1>you may spend more of your day working independently, and

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<v Speaker 1>you have fewer interactions than you did when you were

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<v Speaker 1>in classes of twenty five or thirty people plus some

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<v Speaker 1>of the people you do interact with may have lives

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<v Speaker 1>or interests that are far different from yours. Or maybe

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<v Speaker 1>your home with little kids most of the day and

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<v Speaker 1>you don't see other adults much at all. All this

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<v Speaker 1>adds up to a lot of adults feeling the need

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<v Speaker 1>for more friends. We spend time trying to find our

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<v Speaker 1>next best friend. We may meet people we like right away,

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<v Speaker 1>but a friendship doesn't unfold, or we may meet people

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<v Speaker 1>who are nice enough, but they don't immediately seem like

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<v Speaker 1>best friend material. Of course, because we often see ourselves

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<v Speaker 1>as busy, we want to find the right friends and

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<v Speaker 1>build friendships efficiently. If we only get a few hours

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<v Speaker 1>a week for friendships, then of course we want all

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<v Speaker 1>our social time to be deeply meaningful and to be

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<v Speaker 1>with people we feel really connected to quality time right

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<v Speaker 1>if we can't have quantity time. Indeed, we may feel

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<v Speaker 1>like time is wasted if the conversation isn't especially profound,

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<v Speaker 1>or if a social interaction doesn't seem like it's going

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<v Speaker 1>to result in having a new best friend. But as

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<v Speaker 1>Shasta reminds us, friendship isn't efficient. When time feels like

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<v Speaker 1>a scarce resource. We come to believe, as Shasta puts it,

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<v Speaker 1>that we need to value efficiency above all else. But

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<v Speaker 1>that's a mistake because friendships develop over the course of

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<v Speaker 1>time together. As Shasta explains, friendship is not how much

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<v Speaker 1>we think we like the people we've met. Friendship is

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<v Speaker 1>how much of a pattern two people have in practicing

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<v Speaker 1>the positive behaviors of friendship. She points out that this

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<v Speaker 1>consistent time to gather is what made friendships easier to

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<v Speaker 1>form in school and even in adulthood. If we want

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<v Speaker 1>to build friendships, we have to keep showing up. It's

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<v Speaker 1>not so much that we need to find potential best friends,

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<v Speaker 1>but that we need to form real friendships. In other words,

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<v Speaker 1>it takes work. Shasta writes. The danger in believing the

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<v Speaker 1>myth that we can simply find our friends is that

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<v Speaker 1>it focuses our attention on the discovery process are you

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<v Speaker 1>destined to be my friend? Instead of on the development process.

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<v Speaker 1>But it is in the development where the real friendship happens.

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<v Speaker 1>So what next for starters, Shasta advises, we adopt the

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<v Speaker 1>belief that no connection is a waste of time. Positive

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<v Speaker 1>interactions with other people can boost our moods, even if

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<v Speaker 1>lifelong friendship doesn't ensue. She also encourages us to stop

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<v Speaker 1>trying to find the perfect friend and pay more attention

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<v Speaker 1>to simply being present with the friendly people who are

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<v Speaker 1>all around us, instead of being guided by what she

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<v Speaker 1>calls a friendship agenda. She suggests, let's be open to

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<v Speaker 1>whom we're meeting and be intentional about spending time with them,

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<v Speaker 1>and then watch where it leads. So today, be open

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<v Speaker 1>to real connection with everyone you encounter, and this week

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<v Speaker 1>be sure to spend some time, whether in person or

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<v Speaker 1>on the phone, with people whose company you enjoy. Who

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<v Speaker 1>knows where it will lead. As you've heard me say before,

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<v Speaker 1>people are a good use of time, So whatever the

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<v Speaker 1>outcome of these interactions, it'll be time well spent. In

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<v Speaker 1>the meantime, this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's

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<v Speaker 1>to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody, I'd

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<v Speaker 1>love to hear from you. You can send me your tips,

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<v Speaker 1>your questions, or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook,

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<v Speaker 1>and Instagram at Before Breakfast Pod that's B the number four,

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<v Speaker 1>then Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot me

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<v Speaker 1>an email at Before Breakfast Podcast at i heeart media

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<v Speaker 1>dot com. That Before Breakfast is spelled out with all

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<v Speaker 1>the letters. Thanks so much, I look forward to staying

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<v Speaker 1>in touch. Before Breakfast is a production of I heart Radio.

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<v Speaker 1>heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

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