Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.
Speaker 1: Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Speaker 1: Today's tip is to recognize that friendship isn't efficient, and
Speaker 1: that's okay. People are a good use of time even
Speaker 1: if the pace is a bit ponderous and not everything
Speaker 1: works out. Today's tip comes from Shasta Nelson's book Frontimacy,
Speaker 1: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Listeners
Speaker 1: who also tune into the Best of Both Worlds podcast,
Speaker 1: which I co host with Sarah hart Unger, may remember
Speaker 1: Shasta as a guest on our show last fall. Shasta's
Speaker 1: work responds to the desire that many people have to
Speaker 1: form more meaningful friendships, which is not as easy as
Speaker 1: one might hope. Lots of people lam how hard it
Speaker 1: is to make friends as an adult. When you're in school,
Speaker 1: you spend your days with people about the same age
Speaker 1: as you and whose daily lives are fairly similar. You
Speaker 1: are surrounded by potential friends. Once you're out of school,
Speaker 1: you may spend more of your day working independently, and
Speaker 1: you have fewer interactions than you did when you were
Speaker 1: in classes of twenty five or thirty people plus some
Speaker 1: of the people you do interact with may have lives
Speaker 1: or interests that are far different from yours. Or maybe
Speaker 1: your home with little kids most of the day and
Speaker 1: you don't see other adults much at all. All this
Speaker 1: adds up to a lot of adults feeling the need
Speaker 1: for more friends. We spend time trying to find our
Speaker 1: next best friend. We may meet people we like right away,
Speaker 1: but a friendship doesn't unfold, or we may meet people
Speaker 1: who are nice enough, but they don't immediately seem like
Speaker 1: best friend material. Of course, because we often see ourselves
Speaker 1: as busy, we want to find the right friends and
Speaker 1: build friendships efficiently. If we only get a few hours
Speaker 1: a week for friendships, then of course we want all
Speaker 1: our social time to be deeply meaningful and to be
Speaker 1: with people we feel really connected to quality time right
Speaker 1: if we can't have quantity time. Indeed, we may feel
Speaker 1: like time is wasted if the conversation isn't especially profound,
Speaker 1: or if a social interaction doesn't seem like it's going
Speaker 1: to result in having a new best friend. But as
Speaker 1: Shasta reminds us, friendship isn't efficient. When time feels like
Speaker 1: a scarce resource. We come to believe, as Shasta puts it,
Speaker 1: that we need to value efficiency above all else. But
Speaker 1: that's a mistake because friendships develop over the course of
Speaker 1: time together. As Shasta explains, friendship is not how much
Speaker 1: we think we like the people we've met. Friendship is
Speaker 1: how much of a pattern two people have in practicing
Speaker 1: the positive behaviors of friendship. She points out that this
Speaker 1: consistent time to gather is what made friendships easier to
Speaker 1: form in school and even in adulthood. If we want
Speaker 1: to build friendships, we have to keep showing up. It's
Speaker 1: not so much that we need to find potential best friends,
Speaker 1: but that we need to form real friendships. In other words,
Speaker 1: it takes work. Shasta writes. The danger in believing the
Speaker 1: myth that we can simply find our friends is that
Speaker 1: it focuses our attention on the discovery process are you
Speaker 1: destined to be my friend? Instead of on the development process.
Speaker 1: But it is in the development where the real friendship happens.
Speaker 1: So what next for starters, Shasta advises, we adopt the
Speaker 1: belief that no connection is a waste of time. Positive
Speaker 1: interactions with other people can boost our moods, even if
Speaker 1: lifelong friendship doesn't ensue. She also encourages us to stop
Speaker 1: trying to find the perfect friend and pay more attention
Speaker 1: to simply being present with the friendly people who are
Speaker 1: all around us, instead of being guided by what she
Speaker 1: calls a friendship agenda. She suggests, let's be open to
Speaker 1: whom we're meeting and be intentional about spending time with them,
Speaker 1: and then watch where it leads. So today, be open
Speaker 1: to real connection with everyone you encounter, and this week
Speaker 1: be sure to spend some time, whether in person or
Speaker 1: on the phone, with people whose company you enjoy. Who
Speaker 1: knows where it will lead. As you've heard me say before,
Speaker 1: people are a good use of time, So whatever the
Speaker 1: outcome of these interactions, it'll be time well spent. In
Speaker 1: the meantime, this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's
Speaker 1: to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody, I'd
Speaker 1: love to hear from you. You can send me your tips,
Speaker 1: your questions, or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook,
Speaker 1: and Instagram at Before Breakfast Pod that's B the number four,
Speaker 1: then Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot me
Speaker 1: an email at Before Breakfast Podcast at i heeart media
Speaker 1: dot com. That Before Breakfast is spelled out with all
Speaker 1: the letters. Thanks so much, I look forward to staying
Speaker 1: in touch. Before Breakfast is a production of I heart Radio.
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i
Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows. I do talk