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Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of I Heart Radio.

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Speaker 1: Good Morning, This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.

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Speaker 1: Today's tip is to recognize that friendship isn't efficient, and

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Speaker 1: that's okay. People are a good use of time even

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Speaker 1: if the pace is a bit ponderous and not everything

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Speaker 1: works out. Today's tip comes from Shasta Nelson's book Frontimacy,

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Speaker 1: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Listeners

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Speaker 1: who also tune into the Best of Both Worlds podcast,

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Speaker 1: which I co host with Sarah hart Unger, may remember

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Speaker 1: Shasta as a guest on our show last fall. Shasta's

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Speaker 1: work responds to the desire that many people have to

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Speaker 1: form more meaningful friendships, which is not as easy as

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Speaker 1: one might hope. Lots of people lam how hard it

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Speaker 1: is to make friends as an adult. When you're in school,

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Speaker 1: you spend your days with people about the same age

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Speaker 1: as you and whose daily lives are fairly similar. You

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Speaker 1: are surrounded by potential friends. Once you're out of school,

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Speaker 1: you may spend more of your day working independently, and

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Speaker 1: you have fewer interactions than you did when you were

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Speaker 1: in classes of twenty five or thirty people plus some

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Speaker 1: of the people you do interact with may have lives

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Speaker 1: or interests that are far different from yours. Or maybe

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Speaker 1: your home with little kids most of the day and

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Speaker 1: you don't see other adults much at all. All this

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Speaker 1: adds up to a lot of adults feeling the need

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Speaker 1: for more friends. We spend time trying to find our

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Speaker 1: next best friend. We may meet people we like right away,

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Speaker 1: but a friendship doesn't unfold, or we may meet people

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Speaker 1: who are nice enough, but they don't immediately seem like

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Speaker 1: best friend material. Of course, because we often see ourselves

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Speaker 1: as busy, we want to find the right friends and

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Speaker 1: build friendships efficiently. If we only get a few hours

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Speaker 1: a week for friendships, then of course we want all

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Speaker 1: our social time to be deeply meaningful and to be

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Speaker 1: with people we feel really connected to quality time right

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Speaker 1: if we can't have quantity time. Indeed, we may feel

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Speaker 1: like time is wasted if the conversation isn't especially profound,

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Speaker 1: or if a social interaction doesn't seem like it's going

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Speaker 1: to result in having a new best friend. But as

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Speaker 1: Shasta reminds us, friendship isn't efficient. When time feels like

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Speaker 1: a scarce resource. We come to believe, as Shasta puts it,

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Speaker 1: that we need to value efficiency above all else. But

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Speaker 1: that's a mistake because friendships develop over the course of

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Speaker 1: time together. As Shasta explains, friendship is not how much

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Speaker 1: we think we like the people we've met. Friendship is

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Speaker 1: how much of a pattern two people have in practicing

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Speaker 1: the positive behaviors of friendship. She points out that this

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Speaker 1: consistent time to gather is what made friendships easier to

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Speaker 1: form in school and even in adulthood. If we want

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Speaker 1: to build friendships, we have to keep showing up. It's

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Speaker 1: not so much that we need to find potential best friends,

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Speaker 1: but that we need to form real friendships. In other words,

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Speaker 1: it takes work. Shasta writes. The danger in believing the

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Speaker 1: myth that we can simply find our friends is that

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Speaker 1: it focuses our attention on the discovery process are you

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Speaker 1: destined to be my friend? Instead of on the development process.

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Speaker 1: But it is in the development where the real friendship happens.

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Speaker 1: So what next for starters, Shasta advises, we adopt the

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Speaker 1: belief that no connection is a waste of time. Positive

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Speaker 1: interactions with other people can boost our moods, even if

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Speaker 1: lifelong friendship doesn't ensue. She also encourages us to stop

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Speaker 1: trying to find the perfect friend and pay more attention

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Speaker 1: to simply being present with the friendly people who are

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Speaker 1: all around us, instead of being guided by what she

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Speaker 1: calls a friendship agenda. She suggests, let's be open to

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Speaker 1: whom we're meeting and be intentional about spending time with them,

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Speaker 1: and then watch where it leads. So today, be open

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Speaker 1: to real connection with everyone you encounter, and this week

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Speaker 1: be sure to spend some time, whether in person or

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Speaker 1: on the phone, with people whose company you enjoy. Who

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Speaker 1: knows where it will lead. As you've heard me say before,

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Speaker 1: people are a good use of time, So whatever the

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Speaker 1: outcome of these interactions, it'll be time well spent. In

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Speaker 1: the meantime, this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's

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Speaker 1: to making the most of our time. Hey, everybody, I'd

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Speaker 1: love to hear from you. You can send me your tips,

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Speaker 1: your questions, or anything else. Just connect with me on Twitter, Facebook,

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Speaker 1: and Instagram at Before Breakfast Pod that's B the number four,

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Speaker 1: then Breakfast p o D. You can also shoot me

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Speaker 1: an email at Before Breakfast Podcast at i heeart media

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Speaker 1: dot com. That Before Breakfast is spelled out with all

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Speaker 1: the letters. Thanks so much, I look forward to staying

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Speaker 1: in touch. Before Breakfast is a production of I heart Radio.

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Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

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