1 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:09,560 Speaker 1: Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good Morning, 2 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's 3 00:00:17,239 --> 00:00:23,640 Speaker 1: tip is to loop for understanding. This technique for challenging 4 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:29,080 Speaker 1: conversations can help keep things from boiling over and helps 5 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:35,080 Speaker 1: make sure that everyone feels heard. Today's tip, like another 6 00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:39,640 Speaker 1: one this week, comes from Charles Dohig's new book, Super Communicators. 7 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:45,280 Speaker 1: In this book, Dohig shares strategies for having better conversations 8 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:52,400 Speaker 1: so you can connect with people more effectively. Sometimes conversations 9 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:58,240 Speaker 1: are easy, and sometimes they are not. Dohig shares some 10 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:03,080 Speaker 1: stories of experiments that have brought together people with wildly 11 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:07,119 Speaker 1: different views on hot button topics and have taught them 12 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:12,720 Speaker 1: constructive conversational strategies. One that all of us can try 13 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:17,840 Speaker 1: in our own lives is to loop for understanding. Here's 14 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: how this works. You can ask the speaker questions and 15 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:29,679 Speaker 1: then reflect back what you heard and confirm that you understand. So, 16 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: for instance, if your spouse is upset because he or 17 00:01:32,840 --> 00:01:35,480 Speaker 1: she feels like they are always doing the bedtime routine 18 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:39,520 Speaker 1: with your kids, your response should not be what do 19 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:43,039 Speaker 1: you mean I did it tuesday? You never give me 20 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 1: credit for anything as you can imagine, this is not 21 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:51,440 Speaker 1: going to make the situation any better. Indeed, the two 22 00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,960 Speaker 1: of you might start fighting and maybe even wake the 23 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: kids up so you both have to do bedtime duty again. 24 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,720 Speaker 1: Looping for understanding would mean that, after you've asked your 25 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: spouse some questions about how he or she is feeling 26 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:08,079 Speaker 1: and about these frustrations, you would say something like, you're 27 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:11,799 Speaker 1: feeling overwhelmed because you're tired after work and you want 28 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,320 Speaker 1: to relax, but the kids often fight bedtime. Did I 29 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:19,519 Speaker 1: get that right? You reflect back what the person says, 30 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,280 Speaker 1: and then add that little check did I get that right? 31 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,800 Speaker 1: Unless you have completely flubbed your reading of what the 32 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:33,000 Speaker 1: person just said, Asking did I get that right? Encourages 33 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 1: the person to say yes, which means that here she 34 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:41,520 Speaker 1: is acknowledging that they feel heard. Now, you've never said 35 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,360 Speaker 1: that you agree with the person, or even that you 36 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 1: think that the complaint is valid. You are simply acknowledging 37 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,440 Speaker 1: that the person feels that way and that you understand 38 00:02:52,919 --> 00:02:56,400 Speaker 1: what the person is feeling. If for some reason you 39 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: haven't quite understood what the person is saying, asking did 40 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 1: I get that right? Allows them to elaborate and share 41 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:11,160 Speaker 1: more until you are clear on what's going on. People 42 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:15,480 Speaker 1: who study conversations have found that this looping for understanding 43 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:21,280 Speaker 1: technique can keep things from boiling over. Now, it obviously 44 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:25,000 Speaker 1: doesn't solve the problem, but it puts people in a 45 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: place where a solution might be possible. Whereas if you 46 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: are screaming that doing the bedtime routine one time over 47 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,280 Speaker 1: the past two weeks doesn't make anyone the spouse of 48 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:40,600 Speaker 1: the year, well, that is not going to lead to 49 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:44,520 Speaker 1: much of anything good. So the next time you wind 50 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:48,800 Speaker 1: up in a hot conversation, just try it, reflect back 51 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,160 Speaker 1: what the other person said in your own words and 52 00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:55,000 Speaker 1: ask if you got it right. If you did, great, 53 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 1: If you didn't, they will let you know, and then 54 00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: you can ask a few more questions and summarize again 55 00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:05,440 Speaker 1: until you do get it right. With any luck, the 56 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,880 Speaker 1: person will then do the same for you and you 57 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:13,760 Speaker 1: can share how you are feeling. Oftentimes, people want to 58 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:18,440 Speaker 1: be heard just as much as they want solutions, and 59 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:24,240 Speaker 1: looping for understanding can make that happen. In the meantime, 60 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:30,080 Speaker 1: this is Laura, Thanks for listening, and here's to making 61 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:40,640 Speaker 1: the most of our times. Thanks for listening to Before breakfast, 62 00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,920 Speaker 1: If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach 63 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:54,680 Speaker 1: me at Laura at Laura vandercam dot com. Before Breakfast 64 00:04:54,720 --> 00:04:58,960 Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, 65 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:02,919 Speaker 1: please visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever 66 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,360 Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.